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GUYS! It’s the first Friday of the month and you know what that means: it means it’s time for The Internet Read Aloud, my monthly LA comedy show!

It’s always good and this month’s gonna be great! Here’s the Facebook event, for your calendar-marking pleasure!

And now … your comment of the week!

“Who, exactly, are we supposed to be rooting for in this strip? Ned, who is at worst, a philanderer, and best, someone with boundary issues? Jared, the sniveling, clumsy stalker? Dawn? Not with that haircut, honey. Maybe it’s the Narration Box. Is it the Narration Box?” –The Mighty Untrained FOOZLE

And your runners up! Also hilarious!

“This seems like an educational puzzle left over from when Spider-Man was on The Electric Company. ‘Okay, true believers, if an octopus has eight tentacles, how many would a dectopus have?’ ‘I don’t know, Morgan Freeman, how many?’ ‘None, because it doesn’t exist! Now, here’s Grover!’” –BigTed

“So. Even though Tyrannus was literally an ancient Roman emperor, he has never seen a gladiator contest or anything resembling one.” –A Concerned Reader

“I pity those readers who didn’t get to see the throwaway panels of this Curtis. They missed a beautiful sight: Curtis himself, isolated in some kind of lemon meringue purgatory, weeping and begging his mother for mercy that he will not get.” –Joe Blevins

“I don’t know if it’s Diane’s intention to raise a serial killer who garrotes people with a belt while wearing another belt with suspenders, but that’s the way she’s pushing things.” –Artist formerly known as Ben

“I like to imagine Lou in a back room of his greasy dive, swatting at stray cockroaches, a cigarette dangling from his lips, and one finger typing emails on his old food-stained IBM.” –Joe Momma

“It’s a world where clocks are set by the arrival of the train, where a guy named ‘Shady’ is paid in cash. Oh, the humanity!” –handsome Harry Backstayge, idol of a million other women

“Can you find five rail safety violations in this scene? Solution: 1) Station master is distracted during train movements 2) Train driver’s head extends beyond safe clearance zone of the locomotive 3) The station master is standing right on the platform edge 4) Being so close to horn while in operation risks hearing damage 5) An inaccurate clock is being used for dispatching, increasing collision risk. If you said ‘Max has been left unattended on a teetering pile of suitcases atop a trolley right on the platform edge,’ then you are incorrect, because no-one cares about Max’s safety.” –Schroduck

“I believe Shady Shrew’s contract was to ‘fix’ the clock, not to ‘set’ it, and he did just that, oiling the gears and replacing a few springs that were going bad and so forth. Setting the clock is the stationmaster’s job. Coming up tomorrow, ‘Slylock has just been served with a lawsuit for defamation, theft, and false imprisonment. How does he arrange for Max to take the fall?’” –Dmsilev

“I want to invest in Cosmo’s pocket-sized version of the HAL 9000. ‘I’m sorry, Dave, but this venture is too important to be financed through publicly traded securities.’” –Peanut Gallery

“Don’t parks usually have some kind of safety old tire rubber material under the equipment to minimize damage from falls? This looks more like an overgrown meadow that at one time held a park until the factory closed in ’83 and the whole town up and moved, leaving behind a ruin. PJ is about to be eaten (or raised) by coyotes.” –Drew Funk

“I for one wish PJ well in his new career as a Salt-N-Pepa backup dancer. Jeffy, of course, will need a shirt that says ‘It.’ Jeffy isn’t a dancer, these are two separate thoughts.” –Dan

“You know what else can cause damaging radiation? Improper use of the MRI machine. However, I applaud the doctor’s effort in coming up with a truly creative excuse.” –Here Come the Judge

“Of all the weird shit going on with Jared, I can’t get past wondering why he’s eating his microwave dinner with a shrimp fork.” –Tom the Sailor Man

“Hah! And that eBay seller said these 40 year old Star Wars Libbyland meals were no longer edible! Who’s laughing now, Wookielover69?” –Charles Nelson,Really!

“I really want to hear the story behind the decision to hire the duck man to advertise the french cafe. ‘Zut alors, Pierre! No-one ees buying our fine patés and softs cheeses!’ ‘You are right, Louis, perhaps we should try to attract zees Americans in a manner that appeals more to zem, like the moufler shop next door.’” –pugfuggly

“If it doesn’t count as a date night, then why is she gussied up for one? Hair all curled, trendily mismatched skirt and conspicuously chic yet wholly unflattering blouse, with a ‘cute’ purse if ‘cute’ were defined as ‘something a tween would dismiss as too saccharine’. The dude is in the standard bum uniform of unshaven, backwards baseball cap, t-shirt and sweat shorts. If there was another way to say ‘seventeen steps below casual’ without three day old underwear flapping in the breeze, he’d do it. Considering they’re going on a neighborhood watch, they’re the perfect mismatched-buddy-cop pairs in the making.” –Hogen the Mogen

“I haven’t been following Mark Trail, but it seems to have turned into a Western starring Lorenzo Lamas and Clark Gable, set in a claymation world where everyone’s been smacked in the face with a fencepost several times. A marked improvement.” –Applemask

“Kala has the most bored expression I’ve ever seen on the face of someone smacking a goblet of magical elixir out of her husband’s hand while threatening to divorce him over his murderous ways. You know they do this every week.” –matt w

Thanks to everyone who became a Comics Curmudgeon Supporter to get an banner-ad-free site, put some scratch in my tip jar, or backed me on Patreon! And as ever, we must give thanks to our advertisers:

• Two Party Opera: A daily comic that features the Presidents of the United States as they live on the stage of history with the day-to-day news of political mudslinging.
• Oh hey, and don’t forget, I wrote a book! You can get it in hardcover, paperback or ebook forms. It’s called The Enthusiast, and it’s about trains, comics, stealth marketing, capitalism, and joy.

If you would like to buy advertising on the Comics Curmudgeon, and get a text shoutout in these posts, get the details on my BuySellAds page.

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Guys! Next Friday is the first Friday of the month and that means there’s an Internet Read Aloud show in LA, hosted by me! Do not under any circumstances miss it!

And, while I have you here, I guess it can’t hurt to remind you, or maybe tell you for the very first time if you haven’t heard, that for only $3 a month you can become a Comics Curmudgeon supporter and get an ad-free version of this site, along with advanced comment-editing features! Also, if you use Patreon and have wondered if I’m someone to whom you can give money via Patreon, good news: I am, and there’s a tote bag in it for you if you pledge $2 a month or more! And, of course, you can always just toss some scratch in my Paypal tip jar, or even via Venmo @jfruhlinger!

And, also, if we follow Slylock-style ratiocination logic, if the first Friday of the month is in a week, that means today is also a Friday, and that means it’s time for your comment of the week!

“Sigh. Dawn won’t have time to catch up on what’s been going on in her life since they said goodnight late last night. She might have to wait til they have lunch together to tell him all about the drive home, the text from her dad, the laying out of her clothes for the morning, her breakfast, and the drive in. I love these stories where the predator becomes the prey.” –handsome Harry Backstayge, idol of a million other women

And your runners up are also hilarious!

“Really liking the throwaway panel in which Peter’s spidey-sense alerts him that his Aunt noticed him farting.” –pugfuggly

“This is the goddamned weirdest Old Milwaukee ad I have ever seen. Narrator: ‘Subterranea and Old Milwaukee both mean something great to these guys. Subterranea means a complex network of underground caves and tunnels, generous enough to house Lava Men, Gortokians, and Molans alike, far from the blinding sunlight of the surface world! It’s the perfect vantage point to watch your vanquished enemy die of fright on his own wedding day! And Old Milwaukee means a great beer with a clean, crisp, bold taste!’ Cut to Tyrranus, cracking open a cold one as he watches a giant tentacle attack Mole Man on the view screen: ‘It just doesn’t get any better than this!’ Fade out.” –Joe Blevins

“This strip is the antithesis of Moneyball — but relying on an impression gained during a brief training session with an athlete under perfect conditions to predict future performance is just the sort of thing that Gil does year-in and year-out. Let’s call it Milfordball.” –But What Do I Know?

“In today’s Mary Worth, we see the good Doctor set up a light show to convince Dawn she’s being abducted by aliens. This will help him explain away any memories she has of ‘being probed’ and her upcoming pregnancy. ‘Can’t be mine, Dawn, you were on a starship nine months ago, remember? Take good care of your star child, OK?’” –Voshkod

“June and Rex engage in passionate Monday-night handshaking. ‘Sleep well.’ ‘Sounds good. I’ll have my people call your people, and we’ll put this thing to bed.’” –Charterstoned

“I’ll be honest, if I was a cashier at a grocery store and notorious glutton Dagwood Bumstead came to my register with only one banana, I would be shocked too.” –Andrew

“Imagining how much these two couples secretly loathe each other and are seething with anger that they’ll be upstaging each others’ weddings, which they carefully hide with the skill of professional actors, actually makes this strip enjoyable.” –Spunky The Wonder Squid

“I’m sure that ‘evidence of bears‘ is just a polite way of saying ‘bear shit,’ but I prefer to think that he’s seen piles of pic-a-nic baskets.” –Pozzo

“It is well known that Mark Trail hates facial hair. Equally well known is the fact that shaving creatures named Samson drains them of their power. Foreshadowing, yo.” –Dmsilev

“Someone needs to tell the Dick Tracy team that there is more to inventing a punny name than just grabbing a random two-word phrase off Wikipedia’s ‘photography’ article.” –Schroduck

“Actually Dawn taped up ‘RING RING’ as a subtle hint that’s she’s open to an engagement. You can tell it’s Dawn’s because the letters are big and all caps, like she learned in first grade.” –Little Blue Bicycle

“Immediately start imagining a young Henry and Alice on their wedding night. The lights are low, the bedsheets turned down, two half-filled glasses of champagne are on the table. Alice sensuously hikes her wedding dress to slowly take down her stockings and garter, Henry removes his trousers, suggestively unclasping his own sock garters — Suddenly realize it’s August and analyst is on vacation. Call emergency hotline.” –Bobby Sneakers

“For the first panel I just assumed the hat guy was speaking in old-timey gangster lingo. But nope, he literally wants Johnny to let that pony of his head on home. I guess the world of Mark Trail is not yet ready for slang or metaphor.” –Dan

“I have to ask the boss about Mr. Smith’s lab results. We have a pool going on back in the files room, and the current odds are about 3-to-5 that Smith has got cirrhosis of the liver, and he has maybe a couple of years left to live. Most of the staff is betting that way, but I think they’re nuts. I say it’s clearly liver cancer, so he’s a goner in 6 months, and I wagered $50 on it! I can hardly wait for the boss to tell us about the lab results. I wonder who’s the lucky one in the pool? Not Mr. Smith, that’s for sure!” –seismic-2

And as ever, we must give thanks to our advertisers:

• Two Party Opera: A daily comic that features the Presidents of the United States as they live on the stage of history with the day-to-day news of political mudslinging.
• Oh hey, and don’t forget, I wrote a book! You can get it in hardcover, paperback or ebook forms. It’s called The Enthusiast, and it’s about trains, comics, stealth marketing, capitalism, and joy.

If you would like to buy advertising on the Comics Curmudgeon, and get a text shoutout in these posts, get the details on my BuySellAds page.

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Well heck, it’s Friday, so let’s have a comment of the week!

“This is a wonderful way to include the children in the strip. Keep them very small and blurry in the distance so we readers can occasionally be reminded that they exist without ever having to actually [shudder] look at them.” –Poteet

Let’s have some great runners up too!

“I Know What You Did To Last Summer” –Anne Elisabeth Dillon, on Facebook

“The good news is if they do accidentally wake her up they still have a fairly sizable window to get the troops to the surface before she tries to intervene. Just that headdress must take an hour to get on, at the inside.” –James Dowd, on Facebook

“In midair, Peter Parker’s body springs back to its natural shape, that of someone lying back on the bed and craning his head up to look at the TV.” –matt w

“Wish I could concentrate on the words in this strip but I keep going back to that toffee-colored steak in the first panel that seems pliable enough to be stabbed with a spatula. Is that like grade-D meat, or are they fixing Jaquan’s knee just by feeding him hunks of colagen…?” –pugfuggly

“Skateboarding is too dangerous! Not like pro football, where modern rules and advanced safety gear leave players in perfect physical and mental condition to enjoy their retirement and golden years after many productive seasons! [quietly accepts three briefcases of cash from Roger Goodell]” –Dragon of Life

“He thought it was one of those ‘craft’ lemonades, an imperial stout, aged in oak barrels.” –Hogen the Mogen

“…Because it’s great. I know you’re wondering, ‘why does Ed have a bottle of coyote urine?‘ and ‘why is he holding a trowel, what does that have to do with what he’s saying?’ but really, my bottle of coyote urine: top-shelf, if any of you want to come and see. Jeff, what are you doing drinking my glass of liquid diarrhea?” –Jack Loves Comics

“Sometimes I’ll head to a bar after work, my backpack with me, my laptop inside. With it there, even while I’m drinking and talking and trying to have a good time, my work is also with me, and since I need to keep tabs on my backpack while I’m out, I’m reminded of my work. I’d leave it in my car, but I take mass transit to and from work, and it’s better that I don’t drink and drive, anyway. So I know just how that headsman feels. Sort of. I mean, the reason I take my work laptop home is that sometimes I have to do work from home, which I don’t enjoy. Why does he need to take his axe home with him? Does he do work from home, too? If so, that guy really needs to talk to someone about maintaining work/life balance. Small wonder he looks so distraught.” –Larry McAwful

“Letters is so scarce, we hasta mostly use ’postrophes!” –Peanut Gallery

“‘Boy that was rough — not exactly as Mark and I planned it.‘ *gasp* James Allen has been reading my Mark Trail slashfic!” –Truckosaurus

“His left shirttail is propped open.” –nescio

“‘I’m sure Pete will find something interests him.‘ Pete: ‘Hey, is that a clipboard?’” –Pozzo

“You know, you might want to consider having Johnny buried with you, like a pharaoh’s servants or something. Just throwing that out there.” –Doctor Handsome

“General Halftrack passed the mandatory retirement age a decade ago but his subordinates haven’t found it necessary to tell him as long as he’s content to play golf instead of trying to start a war or something.” –Spunky The Wonder Squid

“Does anyone remember how long it’s been since this strip hanged one of its characters? Me neither, so carry on, I say!” –seismic-2

“I’m impressed the last panel is not the same one as the strip from a month ago which also has Halftrack and the Major out golfing, yet the General’s golfing outfit is almost identical. It’s that attention to detail that keeps this feature at the top of aaahahahaha I can’t finish that sentence ahahahaha” –Ekudamram

“The restaurant’s staff — knowing that one of the diners is a Weston — is busily preparing the mayonnaise cart.” –Dood

“…and as a doctor, I have to ask before it becomes a problem: you have other blouses to wear, don’t you? Wearing the same thing over and over is bad for your skin.” –Kevin On Earth

“Le Chien d’Amour sounds like it should be the name of some unspeakably filthy sex act. Knowing this strip, it’s probably a euphemism for petting a puppy until it falls asleep.” –Drewbear

“I’m impressed that Pam is considering the impact of her father’s shenanigans on a macroeconomic scale. My only thought was, ‘Aw, I bet the lawn is dying under that pile of zucchinis.’” –Joe Blevins

“‘I appreciated the meal; the nutrients will provide much sustenance.’ ‘I wish to continue our exchange while performing the customary post-meal exercise.’ Oh boy, Dawn and Ned sure are about to engage in romantic coitus, am I right, fellow humans?” –Dan

Thanks to everyone who became a Comics Curmudgeon Supporter to get an banner-ad-free site, put some scratch in my tip jar, or backed me on Patreon! And as ever, we must give thanks to our advertisers:

• Two Party Opera: A daily comic that features the Presidents of the United States as they live on the stage of history with the day-to-day news of political mudslinging.
• Oh hey, and don’t forget, I wrote a book! You can get it in hardcover, paperback or ebook forms. It’s called The Enthusiast, and it’s about trains, comics, stealth marketing, capitalism, and joy.

If you would like to buy advertising on the Comics Curmudgeon, and get a text shoutout in these posts, get the details on my BuySellAds page.