“If I am holding a pistol, ready to fire, and a large adult male approaches me to take my pistol, my first option will not be ‘somehow kick his head, even though it’s more than four feet above me, landing the kick so hard that my hat flies off.’ TL;DR: I have a lot of facial hair and am prepared to shoot Mark Trail center mass.” –Ed Dravecky

“Doc Holliday? ‘List’ as an architectural term? Hoes? Billy is clearly a 70-year-old man trapped in a 7-year-old body, so if drawing atrocious puns can numb his anguish for just one Sunday, I say let him.” –Izzy

“Go ahead and mock FC’s terrible puns while you still can: Billy didn’t acquire a nuclear weapon to use as a lawn ornament.” –Nekrotzar

“That panel looks like the prelude to Heathcliff finally snapping and murdering the family. ‘Soon, cupcake. Soon it will be only us!'” –WCjobber

“The way that Ken is holding the slice of pizza in panel two suggests to me that he’s sliding it across his bearded face. Being a professional mugger interrupter, Ken knows that red smears around his mouth will strike fear into the hearts of New York City’s criminals. And and and, Mary really likes this pizza so it also ups the chances that she’ll rub her mouth near his mouth.” –Chareth Cutestory

“Having baited the fireplace with a cupcake and lit a fire, Heathcliff waits. Soon, it won’t matter who is or isn’t on the Naughty List.” –Robot Quasar

“Is there any way a New Yorker asks ‘how’s the pizza in X?’ that isn’t pompous and condescending? Is the next question going to be ‘How high is the architecturally necessary peak of the tallest building in Santa Royale?'” –Nekrotzar

“‘Food an’ drink’ seems about what you’d expect Loweezy to ask for (personally, I’d just be relieved it wasn’t ‘room an’ board’), but Elviney seems crestfallen, as though she expected the answer to be, ‘meaningful female companionship, an’ perhaps forbidden physical intimacy.'” –Doctor Handsome

“My going theory is that Santa is working up a Jughead-themed ventriloquist act and has had his elves build a tiny wooden vent figure called ‘Souphead’ to avoid copyright infringement lawsuits. (Jughaid v. Jughead is languishing in the courts after many decades of litigation.) You have to admit, this strip is written just like a ventriloquist act, with Santa dutifully feeding straight lines to a hideous little wise-cracking homunculus on his lap.” –Joe Blevins

“When I read this strip, I just assumed Santa had decided to start slinging insults at the kiddies. ‘Have you been a good boy all year, Souphead?’ ‘What would you like me to bring you, Numbnuts?’ ‘Hey, Snotbreath, did you see my reindeer parked outside?'” –Dr. Mabuse

Judge Parker: “I don’t know what to make of this strip. Half the time is seems to be nothing but rich people drinking wine and having differences of opinion over legal matters and literature, and then BAM! Suddenly we’re driving around in military-grade amour-plated cars. I had to look up what a 50 BMG was, and I’m dismayed to report that it’s a large cartridge for a heavy machine gun or a high-powered sniper rifle. Not that the Parkers have to know what that is, they just know that money means safety and security and they can leave the acronyms to the people throwing themselves in front of the machine-gun fire.” –pugfuggly

Luann: “I like to think the other girls talk to Luann only to confirm what college she’s going to, and then to make sure they don’t go to that college.” –S. Stout

“His newest elf will be named Jeffy, if by ‘Santa’ you mean the Malaysian textile manufacturer I’m selling you to.” –Voshkod

“Coming Soon: Jared and Cherry in Fifty Shades of Flannel.” –Little Blue Bicycle

“One has to admire the Family Circus’ home-made shrine to the Lidless Eye of Sauron, though he’s not really the sort of deity who is into answering prayer requests.” –dmsilev

“Whatever look Thel is going for with the white jacket, purple shirt, and large gold crucifix — doctor? Tony Manero? newly-religious Sonny Crockett? — it’s ruined by the mom jeans.” –Joe Blevins

“Today’s Slylock Fox missed out on a great opportunity to teach kids how to identify hot steaming bear crap.” –The Mangler

“Ken Kensington may have more gray in his hair (actually, 100%) and less song in his voice (actually, none at all) than he used to, but he’s still aged better than Shelly, who can no longer use a spoon.” –seismic-2

“My favorite bit of the Bertha Bear tableau is the television, spatula murder weapon still in its side, with the look of shock and surprise still hauntingly in its dead eyes. You want to look for a motive for the prison break, there’s your answer.” –Damian

“Yes, Dead-Marmot-On-Head guy looks depressed in the last panel, but what about that smirk in panel one? ‘I knew when I invested my life’s saving in this place twenty years ago, that eventually everyone in town must come crawling to me! This one has finally realized that comic books are as essential as electricity or running water! Maybe I’ll be able to unload that Casper and Wendy overstock finally. For sex! Maybe I’ll tell her to have sex with me if she wants the comic books on this list! It’s a seller’s market now. Bwa-ha-ha-ha!'” –Dr. Mabuse

“Wow, I’d let Doris pierce my skull with her nail gun any time, if you know what I mean. (What I mean is that I don’t understand the mechanics of sexual intercourse.)” –Chyron HR

“There’s something about black and white photos that fosters a certain mood. Not that I’m talking about the photo you’re looking at, of course, it’s clearly got shades of blue all over. I just thought I’d make conversation. There’s something about white hair that’s been dyed blonde in the very front that gives a man an air of youth, don’t you think? Again, just making conversation.” –BrutusJ

“Barney spends a whole week trying to locate Snuffy? HELL FUCK YEAH, IT WAS WORTH THE WAIT!!!!! BARNEY GOOGLE IN THIS BEEOTCH!!!!!!!!” –Stantheman

“In other news, never has the phrase ‘The Hots? Really?’ summed up the feelings of so many, so wonderfully succinctly.” –A New Day

“Mark Trail is going to be so disappointed when he catches up with Cherry. ‘You struck him in the face and he still has stubble?'” –Dragon of Life

“Heathcliff is my new favorite short-tempered space-age feline greaser.” –Robot Quasar

“We ran out of milk. That’s why I put NyQuil on your Fruity Pebbles, giving you bizarre hallucinations. Our cat is driving a cat car, you say? That’s wild. Let me put on some Steely Dan and get you some B12.” –Christopher

“I am disgusted that the ‘protagonists’ in Judge Parker once again learn that the true path to success is just to be an arrogant dick to everyone and all your dreams will come true. I am even more disgusted that the gonzo journalist himself Hunter S. Thompson has returned from beyond the grave to throw his support behind Judge Senior’s awful novel.” –Sloth

A3G: “Ah, another happy ending: Cole gets a new lease on life, Lu Ann starts a new relationship with him, Marty’s apparently getting asked out on a date by the best doctor in the state, and Tommie continues her Italian vacation uninterrupted. Margo remains at large and should be considered dangerous.” –pugfuggly

“As a Star Trek fan, you can imagine my horror when I saw that almost the entire cast of Gil Thorp is decked out in red shirts. Who will die in the first five panels to demonstrate this plot’s monster? Farewell, Wynn Wiley.” –Ed Dravecky

“Given that Robbie is pretty much the nicest guy in Peter’s world, I can only conclude that either a mild collision would cause Peter to burst into flames like a Ford Pinto, or Spidey-Sense is kind of racist. Both are believable.” –Doctor Handsome

“‘I will always be in your debt!’ Translation: Don’t expect any of that money back.” –White Rabbit

“In the third panel, note that Veronica and Archie are helpfully demonstrating the two extremes of Bipolar II disorder. Even their outfits (Screamin’ Strike Pink and Bowling Bummer Blue, respectively) convey episodes of hypomania and deep depression.” –Joe Blevins

Luann: “Protip: if you live in a world of paper-thin characterizations where most people are defined by one or two traits that are comically exaggerated to substitute for personality, you might want to avoid marrying someone whose single defining trait you find intensely irritating.” –Master Softheart

“Mary says she lived in New York ‘years ago’ and that it’s since lost its old-town charm, which confirms my suspicion that Mary is not ‘perpetually 60,’ but a member of the undead. The last time New York had real old-town charm was in the days of Peter Stuyvesant, of whom Mary has first hand knowledge. Ask her sometime about his ‘Dutch treat.'” –debussy fields

“‘Whoops, this syrup is slippery,’ cried the henchman, ‘and the jar fell right into this basket of deadly cobras!’ And so Old Man Dunlap passed the fresh batch of meth to his distributor right under Mark Trail’s nose.” –Ed Dravecky

“HEATHCLIFF IS ASCENDANT. HEATHCLIFF KNOWS ALL. SEES ALL. CONSUMES ALL. GRAVITY DOES NOT AFFECT HEATHCLIFF. TIME DOES NOT AFFECT HEATHCLIFF. YOU ARE ALREADY IN HIS MOUTH. YOUR FRIENDS ARE HIS TEETH. YOUR HOME IS HIS ESOPHAGUS. YOUR TOMB IS HIS STOMACH. YOU WILL BE BURIED.

it is too late” –bunivasal

“Spider-Man would like to lash back at the jeering children, mocking their own weaknesses and insecurities with a catchy taunt of his own, but he can’t think of anything that rhymes with ‘pencil-thin mustache.’ Or ‘hormonal imbalance.’ Or ‘Don Johnson’s jacket.'” –Shoe Substitutes

“I’m a little disappointed that the newly-liberated rabbit passed up this opportunity to hop on Pop.” –Doctor Handsome

“Say what you want about Leroy’s alcoholism, at least he keeps his bottles neatly organized, largest to smallest. That there is a sign he still takes some small pride in his chosen vocation.” –Robot Quasar

“Perhaps Hagar is going to be this generation’s Conan. First, Hagar the Horrible, which we’ve been enjoying (is that too strong a term?), then Hagar the Conquerer, in which he leads his men south into the civilized lands and plows a trail of fire and gold, and finally Hagar the Emperor, where he broods on this throne of skulls and ponders whether it was worth leaving the thatched hut on the icy shores for the warm pleasures of the South. It will end, tragic and bloody, with a nod to Shakespeare when Eddie, a minor Iago, kills Hagar and takes Helga as his own.” –Voshkod

“For such a great Broadway actor, Ken isn’t able to keep up his ‘Happy to Be With Mary Worth’ face for a couple minutes.” –Baka Gaijin

“Oh god, it’s a team-up with the golden age Crankshaft. I am just 100% not ready for Crisis on Funkyverse One.” –Dan