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Your COTW momentarily, but first, some items of note! Last week I noted that one might need to (horrors) leave the house and go to the local library to find old soap opera strips, but faithful reader AndyL has another suggestion: the omnipotent Google! Yes, our cybernetic overlord has scanned back images of newspapers, allowing you to see things like Judge Parker from 1963, Apartment 3-G from 1967 (did someone just get acid thrown in their face?), or Mary Worth in 1962. (You may have to scroll around a bit in order to get to those strips.)

Also, faithful reader fillmoreeast offers evidence (cribbed from here) that many of your favorite comics characters once hawked high fructose corn blobs, including (shudder) Marvin.

What A Guy is apparently a comic from Reiner and Hoest, the same people who brought you the Lockhorns. I have no idea what it was about, but I hope it was about some little kid who just always goes around kissing everyone’s ass, proclaiming “What a guy!” about anyone at the drop of hat. As an aded bonus, fillmoreeast points us to another Google-indexed historical moment, this one from 1988, in which a Lakeland Ledger reader from Tampa writes in to complain that her beloved “cute” What A Guy has been replaced by some newfangled thing called Calvin and Hobbes, which she calls “OK but very uninteresting.”

And on that note, here is your totally interesting comment of the week!

“Petey’s pretty flagrant with his web-slinging there, but good job to him for not blurting out, ‘IT WAS SPIDER-MAN AKA PETER PARKER.'” –He Brought Queenie Baby Jesus

And your runners up! Also funny!

“Mark Trail: “Ummm … people who punch out a Senator get arrested pretty damned instantly. You ‘expressed concern’ to the wildlife office? I can hear Leonard Nimoy in panel three saying ‘Most illogical.'” –ignatz

“It doesn’t seem to have occurred to Peter that none of these costumes comes with a mask. Which is why ‘Mary Jane Watson’s husband climbs a building in a wizard suit’ is bound to be number 1 on YouTube tomorrow.” –BigTed

“How is that broom hanging from the rack? Is the hook part of the prop? Now all Peter needs is a fake mustache and a spinning bow-tie, and he’s all set to unleash some vaudeville justice.” –bman

“I’m less concerned about Mark talking to Mr. Spock than I am that Boss Hogg is apparently a U.S. Senator now.” –BRWombat

“Is it possible that Batuik is going to impose his own version of Chekov’s Law of Economy in Narrative? ‘If you find a gun in the first panel, it must be completely forgotten by the third, to make way for more suffering and disease’?” –Calvin’s Cardboard Box

“I didn’t know that they sold Lockhorn dolls?! It even comes in a ‘What has two thumbs and hasn’t had sex in forty years?’ pose.” –LUJBEM FEJF

“Panel 1 from A3G is golden. Look at her face! Poor Tommie, moping through life in the shadow of one roommate and the all-encompassing eclipse of the other, has just had her last and final hope of at least a normal life — that age comes hand in hand with wisdom — crushed by the wisest and most honest person she knows. It’s powerful, tragic and, at the very centre of the issues at hand, takes place during someone else’s storyline. Now let’s watch as the story writes itself from here as Tommie’s crushing depression begins to suffocate her, but only in the throwaway Sunday panels most papers don’t even run.” –Black Drazon

“Also, just to make Gunther’s month complete, he let his subscription to Needy Loser magazine expire! Go figure!” –Marion Delgado

“It’s good to see Mark consulting the Romulans on political matters. They served him well in providing a wife.” –migellito

“I think if you were to tell Tommie that ‘life isn’t fair,’ she would be genuinely surprised to hear it. ‘Golly, I always thought it was! Hmmm. Now that you mention it, that makes a lot of sense. Explains a lot, really, like my string of failed relationships or the fact that I share an apartment with the modern-day Lucrezia Borgia.'” –Joe Blevins

“Dawn can’t wait to see the crushing disappointment on Wilbur’s face; it’s like Christmas, only with tears!” –True Fable

“Re: Wilbur (advice columnist) and Toots (slacker/drifter), methinks I detect the mayo-smeared fingerprints of the vast international Sandwich Lobby in the comics. Is nothing sacred? (Other than, perhaps, Baconnaise.)” –mvg

“If it’s 1960, why aren’t the ladies sipping sherry? It’s obviously after 9 a.m.” –shermy glamrocker

“A rare early Family Circus panel depicts the prequel to Whatever Happened to Baby Jane? with a hydrocephalic Dolly in the title role. Note the audience of matronly drag queens she has invited into the living room, to the horror of her mother.” –Doug Starr Twinkle

“Ok, if faced with the fill-in-the-blank ‘you’re a ___ couple if you can wear each other’s jeans,’ I’d have said gay. Why is Pluggers insulting my people like that? (Obviously I meant that as a gay, not as a monstrous suburban furry.)” –edp

“It’s heavy … but I like it. I could probably crush an esophagus pretty easily with this. Now cough up some real money, you hippie.” –Taquelli

“GT: GO Ñ!” –Red Greenback

“Toots’ plan to remain hidden will fail because 1) Sarah has no way to conceal the skateboard, 2) June will detect his life signs with her tricorder, and 3) Abby just took the only food he’s had in days. He’ll be found out by nightfall (aka ‘late May 2010’).” –Ed Dravecky

“Strangely enough, Peter Parker has hit upon the perfect costume for a Miami super-hero: ‘Raving at an all-night beach circuit party in an angel costume, mild-mannered Rafi Aguilar was transformed into the Amazing Guardian Angel when he took ecstasy laced with radioactive ketamine!!” –teddytoad

“I find it strange that Mr. Prisoner has a checkbook in prison, where the barter system is the accepted mode of paying debts. Sam should have held out for $100,000 worth of cigarettes and/or blowjobs.” –Rusty

“Be careful with your addictions, Wilbur. Sandwiches are comforting, but they’re a just a ‘gateway’ food. Soon, you’ll begin experimenting with wraps, then pita pockets and gyros. I only pray you’ll seek help before you find yourself drawn helplessly into the dark underworld of paninis.” –Perky Bird

Big thanks to everyone who put cash in my tip jar! And here is where we would give thanks to our advertisers, were there any to thank! To find out more about how you could be thanked in this spot — and how you could be the launch advertiser for our new RSS feed sponsorship — click here.

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Your COTW momentarily, but first, an absolutely delightful bit of Worthiana from faithful reader John Small Berries! He writes:

While cleaning out my office, I ran across the attached panel of Ian Cameron trying to relax at home. I’m not sure when it was originally published, but it’s at least several years old (my wife snagged a photocopy from the clipping on her mother’s refrigerator back in the first half of the last decade; no idea how long it had been hanging there). I thought you, and perhaps the rest of the Comics Curmudgeon readers, might be at least mildly amused by this bygone glimpse of life in Casa Chinbeard.

One of the interesting things about the soap opera strips is that there are literally thousands of them out there, but they’re almost entirely uncollected and thus inaccessible to any but the most patient soul willing to whirl through the microfilm at their local library. Who knows what awesome Aldo-level storylines delighted Mary Worth readers in the ’70s or ’80s, only to vanish in the mists of time? All we have is are brief, contextless glimpses like this. We can tell, for instance, that sometime in the 1990s or thereabouts Professor Cameron liked to “adjust” his “attitude” by sitting in front of the TV with a bowl of potato chips, a sizable amount of ranch dressing, and three tall glasses of scotch, and that in the middle of one such episode, he was interrupted by a rude buzzing, possibly a result of someone pressing a marital aid against his condo unit’s door. Beyond that, we know nothing.

Anyway, on to your COMMENT OF THE WEEK!

“Yeah, right now Wilbur, like a small child on Christmas morning, is infatuated with Kurt, but in about a week it’ll all be sandwich, sandwich, sandwich.” –Baka Gaijin

And your runners up! Very AMUSING.

“I was just down at the medical center, and I picked up this donated organ no-one wanted! Now let me pour out some clear serum for a refreshing drink!” –nomuse

“A trip through Devil’s Pass sounded interesting, so naturally it wasn’t. MT has a strange gift that seems to require a new word. I choose ‘borifying.'” –Poteet

“When he talks to his wife, Mark Trail has a vacant expression of joy that is the hallmark of a man whose marriage is built on a foundation of pharmaceuticals and denial.” –NoahSnark

“Thank goodness for Apartment 3-G, where Mr. Margo’s Dad remains under the adorable delusion that his daughter can love.” –Black Drazon

“They use to tell me I was so green … that my head looked like even more like an avocado.” –Red Greenback

“I love how that conversation ends. Cherry saying ‘I love you’ and that’s it. Mark had probably already hung up. Or better, he slammed the phone down as soon as he heard Cherry’s tongue curl.” –Roto13

“It does look like even the pigeons are just sort of ‘Yeah, whatever, buddy, just keep the birdseed coming.'” –Baron Bizarre

“‘Kurt agreed to the paternity test? Will he confess that he knew the results all along?’ I can just imagine how that conversation will go. Wilbur: ‘Well, it cost us $2,000, but now we know that I’m not your father.’ Kurt: ‘Yes. I knew all along. I’ve been intentionally manipulating you.’ Wilbur: ‘This won’t change our relationship at all.'” –AndyL

“Peter should just go to a costume store if he needs his silly pajamas to fight crime and rent one. Then he can spend three weeks’ worth of panels worrying about WHAT IF the clerk SUSPECTS that he might be THE REAL SPIDER-MAN and isn’t that a suspicious request for a CREDIT CARD that has his REAL-LIFE NAME AS PETER PARKER on it, that somebody might use to trace his SECRET IDENTITY? Meanwhile the actual clerk finds Peter to be a dull, slightly fidgety guy who’ll get the speediest possible service because he’s acting kind of creepy so let’s take his money and get him out of here.” –Chip Whittle

“How bad is Dawn’s tea? Apparently Mary has to use both hands just to force it down her own throat.” –Digger

“Good Lord. It’s like they wrote ‘3 P.M.: Frolic’ in their day planners.” –commodorejohn

“I’m a little insulted by the snarky ridicule directed towards Wilbur and Kurt, to be honest. Sounds like someone didn’t get enough con-artist/fake-father bonding time growing up” –Krazy Kat

“There is nothing more alluring to high school girls than helping the school janitor clean up the gym after a game. Maybe he will let you sniff the used towels.” –Rusty

“Dithers’ heel isn’t on Dagwood’s throat; it’s on his bowtie, the source of his power.” –Jonn

“Yes, Beetle, it is always a mistake to embark on a journey into the strange, crisp world of uniform cosplay.” –skullcrusherjones

“But check out that look on Mr. Kessler’s face; he’s staring directly at the comic strip audience with a knowing look in his eyes, as if to say ‘You and I, my friends, we know better, don’t we? We know that just last night I was entertaining a couple of nubile young coeds and then things got a little, shall we say, Freak-Ay! You can find more details at http://www.kinkymisterkessler.com. All major credit cards accepted.'” –Jeff Soesbe (yeff)

“Kurt’s gone! And he made his bed first! THE BASTARD!!!” –BowToTheBard

“Mr. Wilbur Weston really ought to be arrested for felonious lack of self-respect. Is there any doubt what caused young Mr. Evans to slink away in the middle of the night? One is not surprised that he would prefer the precarious life of a ne’er-do-well to having such a sad case as a role model. He certainly could see the impact on his putative half-sister. Miss Weston has no friends, no life, and apparently no ambition beyond being elected princess at the Santa Royale eggplant festival.” –Fashion Police

“It’s Kurt. He’s gone! But for some reason you’re still here, Dawn.” –Judas Peckerwood

“Ah … Major Kessler of the SS. The Mossad lost you in Argentina. Milford … in a clown suit … pure evil genius! Check and mate, sir!” –Sans Sense

“I get a strong impression that the MW artist really enjoyed drafting class and would be much happier if he were allowed to draw Wilbur, Dawn, and the rest of the crew as nice, pleasing, regular cuboids in a cabinet oblique projection. Cross-hatching could be employed as an indicator of strong emotion, when required. The white shorts today are a clear sign of a bitter, frustrated man lashing out the only way he knows how.” –One-eyed Wolfdog

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Your COTW momentarily, but first, some funny comics-related pictures from READERS LIKE YOU! The first set comes from faithful reader Karina, who attended a Mardi Gras party thrown by friends:

They have a themed costume party every year — and this year the theme was “The Funny Pages.” So what’s a red-blooded conservation-minded girl to do? Dress like Mark Trail, despite knowing full well that no one would ever know who she was dressed as. I even made a giant punching fist, crudely fashioned from cardboard and masking tape!

I’m sorry to report that I did NOT win the award for best costume — but as that went to the guy in the bloody shirt wielding a machete and dressed as “Not Me” from the Family Circus I am totally ok about it.

Next! You might remember the pics sent by faithful reader Kattack of her trip to Monterey’s Dennis the Menace Playground. Faithful reader Jordon was inspired by them to take his own four sons to this sacred spot where, in his words, they decided to “show Dennis what Menacing is all about!”

Those are some rambunctious boys you’ve got there, Jordon! Let’s hope Child Protective Services doesn’t read this blog.

And now: your comment of the week!

“I imagine that whenever Peter Parker forgets his camera, he’ll hold an invisible camera near his face and make a clicking motion with his finger before exclaiming, ‘Oh no! I forgot my camera at the hotel!'” –survivor

And the runners up! Very funny!

“This actually looks like the idealized plugger version of a ventriloquist act, featuring a dummy who does not backsass his elders and instead is curious to learn about How Things Used To Be.” –Joe Blevins

“What is Gunther even doing over there flailing near the dancers? He’s probably well aware that he can’t dance and likely never volunteered, and he doesn’t seem the sort to act like a jackass in front of everyone. Maybe he was violently pushed backwards and is now about to crash into the ensemble. However, this impossible trio of male ballet dancers are too method to let an incoming nerd break their poise.” –Taquelli

“I had a decent joke about Grossie’s bust all ready, but the more I typed, the more hateful and insulting it became. The funniest reaction you can have with Crock is, as usual, to just hate yourself for even laying eyes on it.” –turingcub

“I think Crankshaft’s main contribution to the garden club is his role in giving the ladies the incentive they need to do the hard work of tilling the soil, by fantasizing that they are digging his grave.” –seismic-2

“When you’re large you’re in charge! And when your testicles are visible, then you are also in charge!” –Lame Caulfield

“Dick Tracy, one month from now: ‘You were under a lot of stress at the concert. How about a nice relaxing day at the races?’ [Cut to villains implanting small thermonuclear device into what we infer is probably a horse]” –One-eyed Wolfdog

“Aww, Dolly said ‘anfem’ instead of ‘anthem!’ Isn’t that cute, and by cute I mean makes me want to punch a baby?” –Violet

“Before I read the caption, I thought the Keane Kids were watching The Lawrence Welk Show. Seriously. The black-and-white image, the rounded men in sweater vests with 50s haircuts, the musical notes rising up. Too bad the circle cuts off our view of the rabbit ears on top of the set. What sport could that trio have possibly competed in? Shuffleboard? Yodeling?” –Dondi’s Dad

“The only event the Keane kids are allowed to watch is the 25m sweatsuit run. Also it looks like Mom and Dad turned the hue on the television down so they don’t start asking questions about skin colours.” –It’s time to pay the price

“I would also like to note that Family Circus is flirting with Herb and Jamaal-style non-specificity. Granted, they really should take it the full way: ‘Oh, I like that song related to their political union. I hope they achieve high ranks in other competitions’. That way, this comic will stay fresh after the demise of both the Olympic games, sports in general, and the concept of the nation-state.” –Tiako

“The Keane Kids don’t really watch the Olympics, just VHS recordings of every American gold medal win since 1984. Dolly probably just doesn’t recognize her own anthem through the haze of decade-old magnetic tape.” –BananaSam

“Meanwhile, Kurt has fallen afoul of the Weston household’s obsessive penny-pinching. Write it down if you have to: Store-brand denture cream is a rip-off.” –Walker of Dog

“I’m not convinced that’s really Wilbur and a computer in the second panel. First of all, the ‘computer monitor’ is hovering about three feet above the desk, but more importantly, HE HAS NO LEGS! I’m guessing he put a half-complete Wilbur doll in front of a wall hanging, realizing his children are too dumb to notice, and sneaked off for a Craigslist ‘Casual Encounter.'” –Yanni

“Zip it, Dad!! Or button it! Or whatever it is you do to keep that toupee from falling off your head!” –Hibbleton

“The answer to the Jumble is obvious, as always: COCAINE.” –Poewar

“Toots, meanwhile, is modeling the latest from the Department of Homeland Security, fashions designed to reflect the latest terror threat level. As the situation becomes graver, more and more stripes become Alarmed Aqua.” –boojum

“I like how that raptor is hunching up as it casts a baleful eye towards the reader. ‘Oh god,’ it’s thinking, ‘the paparazzi.'” –Anonymous

“Hmmm…these rapids didn’t cure you. Maybe I should try to punching your heart again. After all, chest hair is just the heart’s beard.” –skullcrusherjones

Big thanks to everyone who put cash in my tip jar! And we must of course give thanks to our advertisers:

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