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Your COTW shortly, but first, a note on the health of Judge Parker artist Eduardo Barreto: It appears that while he is very ill, things may be more hopeful than previously indicated, and the syndicate is not planning on replacing him any time soon, but will rather give him time to get better and see if he’s still up to it. So, we will have to endure some replacement artists, but hopefully he will be up and better before too long. Fingers crossed!

And now, your COMMENT OF THE WEEK!

“I love how Mrs. Drunky McDrunkerson is willing to give every relevant detail about Kurt, but NOT ONE DETAIL MORE! ‘I’m willing to (hic) answer 10 or 11 questions and fill in some background detail, but that’s IT! (hic)'” –Patrick

And the extremely funny runners up!

“I love how Jeffy is smugly shitting himself. ‘You think peanut butter is bad, bitch? We’re sharing a room tonight!'” –It’s time to pay the price

“Mark Tail, Panel 2: ‘Judge Parker does gratuitous ass shots all the time, so why can’t I?'” –One-eyed Wolfdog

“To be fair, Trixie is 55 years old now and has never been continent. It’d be pissing me off by that point as well.” –TruthOfAngels

“I really like Spiderman this week, learning about all the Marvel™ characters who live in New York. Mainly what I’m learning is that they’re all pricks.” –JD

“My brain pretty much freezes up at attempting to comprehend how unsophisticated someone would have to be to regard Mark Trail as a fancy city dweller.” –Violet

“Now you and your friend here can pack up and go back to your fancy city, what with all the ’lectricity and indoor plummin’ and laws against marryin’ your sisters.” –Perky Bird

“For today’s matinee, the part of Helen Clark will be played by David Bowie. The part of the whiskey will be played by Orange Tang.” –willethompson

“I think her first questions will be, ‘How come Drew cheated on me and will he ever come back?’ and ‘Do I look hot in purple?'” –Gabacho

“I think Wilbur needs to get a refund from Glamour Shots.” –Gump Worsley

“Meanwhile, in MT, why is Mark checking his watch? ‘Uh oh, it’s half past Wednesday. Time to wrap up this plot line with a few good hits and get back to ignoring my wife.'” –Nekrotzar

“The squirrels have learned of violence! We are doomed!” –The Eric

“On another note, the only interesting characters in this strip are alleged alcoholics. What happened to us? When did a glamorous and acceptable social tradition morph into a crippling social stigma?” –trey le parc

“Given that Helen Clark is now head of the United Nations Development Programme, this Mary Worth storyline could have global ramifications … which would be a nice change from storylines even the characters in the strip don’t appear to particularly care about.” –Meg

“Also, what’s up with the giant Q-Tips on Dawn’s table? I’m starting to wonder just how far she’ll go to get a sample of Kurt’s DNA.” –Phila

“I don’t know who you think you are, young lady, but unless you’re calling about providing me with more delicious transmission fluid, please leave me alone.” –Edgy DC

“Considering we see no web strand being released in panel 2 in conjunction with the ‘Thwip!’ effect, it can only be assumed that it’s the sound of Spider-Man’s sciatica acting up in typical form.” –tb4000

“Moy certainly has her cliched portrait-of-a-lifelong-drunk hiccups down, but I’m disappointed Giella hasn’t followed suit by giving this old crow a gin-blossomed nose, a few ethereal circles floating around her head, and a jauntily-cocked lampshade for a hat. Perhaps you can afford to retain visual dignity when you make your Bloody Marys with the actual blood of the working class.” –frippy

“Senior Plugger Dog Man got a crick in his neck by licking his own balls for four straight hours.” –Ned Ryerson

“The best part of the throwaway panels of Blondie: Dagwood staring blankly into space as he wonders what the hell he just bought. This changes the entire strip from ‘Herb’s hidden feelings’ to ‘Herb frantically tries to undo the florist’s brainwashing by smashing through Dagwood’s wall of cognitive dissonance.'” –Dragon of Life

“Is that a little shot glass built into the handset? You know, for added strength during difficult conversations.” –MattF

“Dawn has been yelled at so hard it’s literally given her a concussion! Next three strips: Dawn pukes on the couch and has an emotional crisis about cleaning it up.” –Trae Dorn

“My initial assumption was that she was dead, but then I remembered that I wasn’t reading Funky Winkerbean, but Crankshaft, where boundless cruelty comes from other people, rather than from the universe itself.” –Captain Thunder

Big thanks to everyone who put cash in my tip jar! And we must of course give thanks to our advertisers:

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As you may have heard, the mid-Atlantic region has been blanketed with snow, with yet more on the way! Fortunately, said snow hasn’t interfered with the flow of sweet electricity and/or Internet-borne witticisms into my snowbound home, allowing me to present you with the following COMMENT OF THE WEEK!

“Imagine the poor DEA agent who ends up at a plugger’s house: ‘Man, there’s enough animal tranquilizer here to take down a bear. Oh, he is? Never mind.'” –BigTed

And the runners up! Very funny!

“Thinking of all the raw, primal love he and Abby shared made Wilbur briefly forget how to use ‘civilized’ word structures, such as pronouns.” –Perky Bird

“Two panels and just 56 words in today’s Mary Worth and yet Wilbur’s last sentence is still missing a word. By contrast each of the 3 wispy hairs on his forehead are meticulously rendered in each panel. The priorities at Mary Worth Quality Control are a little hard to fathom.” –DaveyK

“That’s what broke us apart. Specifically, it severed my head from my body. If I don’t hold it fast like this, it will fall off and roll away.” –Nekrotzar

“Most disturbing strip of the year. You know Giella wanted to put in yellow pit stains but was stopped by the censor.” –mr 12 oz can

“I’m trying to increase Mary Worth awareness among college students. I promote her cause by advising everyone to make the most socially acceptable choices, regardless of what might be best for them! Next up: buying all of my friends ugly salmon-colored blazers.” –rachel

“What is the damn deal with all the close-ups lately? These characters are unappealing enough from a medium distance. The ideal would be somewhere between the Elrod ‘now entering state forest’ POV and an aerial map, but I’ll settle for anything over Wilbur Weston breathing on me.” –Chromium

“Substituting limp pieces of macaroni for bait worms is exactly the kind of thing that Mark Trail would consider as ‘something one does in an emergency.'” –teddytoad

“The blond fellow backing up Mark’s testimony? Color his hair black and, my God! It’s Adolph Hitler! If he’s got the final solution for cleaning our water, I think I’ll stick with my good ole fashioned dirty-but-fascist-free AMERICAN water, thank you very much.” –DownwithOPP

“Coach Kaz, representing the best of 1987’s hairstyles. He’s also probably wearing Zubaz.” –Howland Awl

“Oh man, Dawn’s angry face as she angrily arranges flowers (or not; they’re probably just in the background but I like imagining they’re part of the scene). And then the way she’s clutching her head/ear in the second panel. Does it hurt, Dawn? Do all those thoughts make your brain hurt?” –Carly

“Don’t be ridiculous, Marty. Gil is never indecisive. Indecision is for people who remotely give a rat’s ass about anything, ever.” –Violet

“Gil Thorp never feels like a narrative to me. More like doing shrooms and wandering through a high school with a strobe light.” –bunivasal

“Everyone needs to lay off poor Dawn today — her hearing aid’s acting up and her dentures and/or face won’t stay put. We’ve all been there.” –Walker of Dog

“Notice how the stakes keep getting lowered here. The wildly varying results of being seen include: (1) death, then (2) insanity, and finally (3) leaving a Canadian jazz club in a calm, orderly manner.” –Joe Blevins

“Wilbur Weston would never make ‘sweet love.’ Imagine an intoxicated walrus inching its way across the ice toward a bored, uninterested walrus in a hat. Imagine that walrus overtaking the second walrus and the sounds of flapping flesh and the general unpleasantness of the act. That would be Kathleen Turner and William Hurt compared to Wilbur Weston and Abby Evans.” –Dingo, the Essence of Purity and Virtue Incarnate™

“Looks like Dawn is pantomiming her scenes for the Charterstone production of Hamlet she’s appearing in. She has the lead, of course, hence the haircut.” –Hibbleton

In response to a suggestion that Dawn might be transforming herself into The Joker: “Of course, if you say to Mary Worth ‘Why so serious?’, be prepared to hear exactly why she’s so serious. In excruciating detail. With a quote from Thomas Merton.” –Artist formerly known as Ben

“Y’know, with just a little tweaking, this production of West Side Story could be made much less bizarre: North Side Story: An edgy new musical highlighting the tensions and tragedies between The Lutefisks, a gang of depressed Swedes, and The Smørrebrøds, a gang of ever-partying Danes, in a small farming community in Minnesota. The score, by Leonard Bjornson, includes such exciting numbers as ‘I Feel Bored’ (‘I feel bored/Oh so bored/I feel bored, suicidal, and depressed…’), ‘Dear Lay Minister Lofgren’ (&lsqup;Deep down inside me is Köttbullar’), and ‘Kølig’ (‘Get kølig, boy! / Got a Tuborg in your pocket’).” –odinthor

Big thanks to everyone who put cash in my tip jar! And we must of course give thanks to our advertisers:

• Advertise your t-shirts here: Find out more about the BlogAds t-shirt hive! Connect with young adults eager to sport your shirts! Reaching a tremendously expansive audience at a very low cost, the BlogAds T-Shirt Hive is comprised of a well-rounded set of over 30 social media elite blogs, who speak to a young hip male and female audience of clothing enthusiasts. These readers are seeking back to school threads, everyday wear and tear shirts, and any clothes that are stylish or humorous.

To find out more about advertising on this site, click here.

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People! Normally, I don’t bother you with metaposts mid-week, but I’ve received a bevy of Mark Trail related delights from readers over the past few weeks that I feel deserve their own showcase!

First up is a book discovered by faithful reader Charterstoned:

Note that it’s Mark Trail’s Fishing Tips Created By Ed Dodd, with the actual authorship left vague. Presumably this book was churned out by strip creator Dodd’s lowly assistant, while Dodd partied till all hours with Hollywood big shots.

This is clearly the high point of the whole book, in which an innocent young boy cringes in terror at the approach of a menacing weirdo in a hat. Don’t worry, kid; he just wants your gum … for now.

Also, you can tell the difference between the various almost-identical kinds of catfish you catch, assuming that counting the number of rays on on a dead, smelly fish’s fins is your idea of a good time.

Of course, it wouldn’t be Mark Trail without a freakishly oversized animal. Fishing dude who may or may not be Mark is so smug about his little pie-pan trick that he doesn’t even notice the giant carnivorous moth that’s about to latch onto his face.

Meanwhile, faithful reader Jasper Jinks sends a couple of scans from a 1956 Mark Trail comic book put out by the U.S. Public Health Service.

An “industrial problem” that’s “being licked all over America by plain citizens, working together at the local level for everyone’s benefit”? Translation: Mark Trail is a dirty communist. A dirty communist in terrifying jodhpurs.

The plot of this tract involves a rotten little kid who gets a little under the weather after swimming in a watering hole containing industrial run-off from some awesomely profitable factory. Here’s a scene of the crazed Marxist lynch mob Mark puts together to put a stop to progress. Note that Mark is clenching his fist in case political agitation fails and he needs to punch pollution out of the water:

Of course, seeing old Mark Trails like this makes one wonder how similar they are to the current version. Well, a lot more than you might think! Faithful reader These Strange Worlds has put together an exhaustive comparison showing how much of the current storyline is recycled from one that ran 30 years ago.

And, finally, fans of Mark Trail and making fun of Mark Trail should check out Mark Stale. “What’s wrong, Rusty? Why are you lying awake, whimpering like a baby?” (Thanks to faithful reader festoonic for the tip.)

Oh, also, if you are going to be in the mid-Atlantic region over the weekend of May 22, perhaps you will want to get in on a meetup faithful reader bourbon babe is planning? Certain bloggers who live in that neck of the woods will in all probability make an appearance! (HINT HINT)