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Folks, we’re seeing a real epidemic here. Faithful readers have already brought to light the worst kind of joke recycling from The Family Circus and Blondie. Now we see that the boys at Walker-Browne Amalgamated Humor Industries LLC are getting in on the act, thanks to this damning evidence from faithful reader Tom. Compare the strip from last Sunday with an installment from 1987:

The sort of fascinating thing here is that, unlike the other two self-plagiarized strips, the new Beetle Bailey has been entirely redrawn; only the gag has been recycled. This is funny because the typical Beetle Bailey gag isn’t really that hard to come up with, if you follow me. The minor differences between the two strips are kind of interesting as well: apparently in prudish 1987 we weren’t allowed to actually specify what kind of calendars Killer collected, and while Reagan-era Rocky rocked out to music recorded on that time period’s favored format, the current incarnation is some kind audiophile retro-geek. You should also note that, against all odds, the set-up throwaway panels are even lamer in the 2009 strip, possibly because the artists are now uncomfortable portraying American soldiers as desperate beer-guzzling alcoholics. (Portraying them as semi-catatonics is apparently still OK.)

In other news, faithful reader yellojkt’s National Kinkiest Komic Karacter Kick-Off is wrapping up, with voting in the hottest mom, most desirable dominatrix, and best bear categories.

And now, the moment you’ve been waiting for … your COMMENT OF THE WEEK!

“My God, Tommie, if the cereal you buy is ‘Health Flakes,’ what type of vibrator do you own?” –Dingo

And the hilarious runners up!

“I admire how orderly and polite Tommie’s thoughts are in the morning. Under similar circumstances, my thoughts would’ve probably been: ‘Who the fuck…? Goddamn, can’t I even have my mug of milk in the morning?'” –Joe Blevins

“No, the woman your dad is seeing tonight, while I sit with you kids, is his girlfriend. I’m … Tommie.” –ohyes

“Oh, Peter Parker is happy. I thought that was a douchey look and statement of sarcasm. ‘Oh man, that’s great! I’ll have the smell of mothballs and Jean Nate perfume to look forward to.'” –scruffylove

“If poor old Aunt May is so frail that the lights unexpectedly being turned off can trigger a medical condition, then I’m sure that Peter’s horrible, horrible smile in the third panel will cause a stroke.” –Alan’s Addiction

“Oh, man! That’s great! It’s so great I’m going to ride my giant invisible pogo stick!” –Dannymo

“I am sincerely grateful for today’s Blondie. In this sadly diminished post-Scaduto world I had thought never again to see a squat, impossibly-legged man whose ensemble seems incomplete without an ‘I like Ike’ button characterizing something as ‘the bomb.’ I’m just going to go ahead and assume his name is Boffo Barfington.” –Violet

“I interpret Kenley’s ‘Oh’ as an abbreviated form of ‘Oh, sorry, I thought there might be something interesting about you.'” –He Brought Queenie Baby Jesus

“Also, what kind of doctor’s office sends that kind of news by text? ‘U may hv CNCR n yr nutz. PLz call ASAP. KTHXBAI.'” –Old School Allie Cat

“I think my favorite part of Funky Winkerbean today is the news announcer’s use of ‘plummet,’ a fantastic verb that would normally not find much use in the Funkyverse, as the characters and their hopes and dreams do no so much ‘plummet’ as ‘spiral slowly into a black pit of despair’ from which there is no escape. Oh, and also, cancer.” –Lorna

“The irony is that Crankshaft used to drive Funky’s bus when Funky was in high school. Now Funky is going to die before Crankshaft. That should bring a smirk to his face.” –Racing J

“‘Queenie,’ you and Ted CAN make it on your doctor’s salary. You may have to budget, though. No more volumizing shampoo — oops, you already have cut back in that department.” –blackgoat

“What sort of power does Adrian have over Ted that instead of inspiring confidence and diverting attention away from his real schemes, Ted confesses his problems and failures at her slightest raised eyebrow? ‘I have no money! I lost my job! I knowingly wrote a bad check for your dad! I’m marrying you for the money!’ Soon he’ll be curled up at Adrian’s feet, sobbing out things like, ‘I proposed because you remind me of my dog! I can’t spell! This mustache is pasted on!’ Adrian’s right: her dad won’t worry about the check. Dr. Jeff will be too horrified at seeing a younger version of his relationship with Mary Worth to think about anything else.” –Eldaglass

“Watching Funky Winkerbean descend into all-out open sadism is like the comedic equivalent of the relief that comes when you finally begin to vomit after spending ten minutes hovering nauseously over the toilet bowl.” –commodorejohn

“There’s been a lot of talk about Funky’s junk today, but we still haven’t addressed the elephant in the room. Does it or does it not smell like mozzarella?” –Artist formerly known as Ben

“Rusty doesn’t recognize money because one panel earlier it was a limp, green fish. Rusty also doesn’t recognize the cruel trick Mark is playing on him with those clothes choices.” –Dragon of Life

“The gift of a crepe maker says, ‘I’ll still be here for breakfast, but instead of staying in bed with me, I’ll expect you to get up at 5 a.m. and spend hours cooking me fancy French meals.’ It’s the kind of mixed message you’d expect from a woman wearing a bathrobe over a turtleneck.” –BigTed

“I’m pretty certain the phone company yanks out the old payphones and takes them away. Funky probably has some abandoned fetus in that box.” –Rusty

“A young child knows how to turn on the TV?! She’s a witch! A witch! BURN HER!” –Ista

“It’s time for Funky Winkerbean to reconsider that jaunty font in the title panel. That worked fine when it was a silly school comic, but it looks absurd in the present version, and doubly so when it has the wan balding pate of Miserable Q. Avatar floating right there beside it. Batiuk needs to look into some more modern shit like Times New Sarcoma or Dead Wife Sans.” –One-eyed Wolfdog

“She knows how to turn on the TV? She’s doing better than me, with the eighteen goddamn remotes.” –The Restless Mouse

“Current tweener storyline aside, does the artist of [Judge Parker] get paid by the cup size?” –thurston unger

“Mary’s head is just swimming with where to start meddling! ‘Who do I track down first?! This mysterious lover, or the health inspector to close this place down for using the bathroom as a salad prep station?!'” –Rachel211

“Mark Trail’s narration box must have been on a pee break or something. ‘What’d I miss? Oh, did panel 1 confuse you? Well, the man has the camera now, see? That’s about all I got, sorry.'” –JP (not Judge Parker)

“Many a young man is advised to ‘think about baseball’ so as avoid the embarrassment of premature ejaculation. However, Gil Thorp takes this to new heights, avoiding Coach Mrs. Coach Thorp’s obvious sexual come-on (‘we both have some gaps‘) by focusing on Matt Rogers’ lack of hitting prowess.” –DownwithOPP

“I just love that Slylock has a wardrobe labeled ‘disguises’. I also love that it contains 1) a bunny suit, 2) a lion suit, 3) a rat suit, and 4) a hat, a whip, and a pair of tall leather boots. Slylock is thus equipped to sneak into virtually any kind of S&M club in town, be it herbivore, carnivore, omnivore, gay omnivore, what have you.” –Li’l Bunnë FooFoo

“I love the first panel in today’s Mark Trail, and not only because it looks like the guy blackjacked Rusty with his own camera. I like its wordless violence, opening today’s strip with only an afterthought of an explanation in the third panel. It’s almost pop art. It should be pop art. How much do you think it would cost to blow this up and hang on a wall, so that I can go to sleep each night with the cheerful thought of Mark’s freaky-deaky kid getting robbed and punched out by a subhuman goon?” –teddytoad

Often imitated and never duplicated are those who put some cash in my tip jar! And our advertisers would never self-copy:

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New comics coming shortly, but first there’s a couple of things I meant to put in yesterday’s COTW post and forgot.

First, faithful reader yellojkt as ever is running some comics bracketology on his blog to go along with the NCAA basketball tournament. This year’s tourney is the National Kinkiest Komic Karacter Kick-Off, and you can vote! Voting is already open for Kinkiest Kouple, Hottest Soap Hunk, and Hottest Comics Barely Legal Babe, with more to come, including Best Bear and Most Dutiful Dominatrix. Vote early, vote often!

Also! I’ve been meaning to put this up for a bit … you might remember a few weeks ago when I compared Hi and Lois to Revolutionary Road. This elicited an email from faithful reader zooby, who found that dialogue from the latter worked quite well in the former. Check it out!

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Hello all! Your comments of the week coming shortly, but … hey, remember last summer when a reader pointed out that Blondie was just rerunning strips from the ’50s? Good times! Now evidence comes from faithful reader Shannon that the Family Circus apparently thinks the comics statute of limitations is even shorter!

When I saw piggish little Billy chastising Miss McElfresh for “shopping” when she was supposedly “sick,” I knew immediately that I’d seen that panel in one of the FC books I’d had when I was a kid. I wasn’t sure if I still had the book in question, but found it when I went rummaging through some old boxes. I scanned the panel in question (which is from ’70 or ’71) and am sending it along to you.

You’ll note that the panel has not been substantially redrawn, though there are some tweaks: the dialogue has been rearranged into the innovative new “partly in word balloons” system, the old chalkboard has been transformed into a modern dry-erase whiteboard, and of course the solid Miss Johnson has been replaced by some piece of ethnic trash. The strip’s obsession with the thought that our children are being taught by flighty whores who might enjoy personal adornment is still front and center, however.

Shannon was also kind enough to send me a scan of the cover of the collection from which the original panel derived:

“Today it might be better titled Hello, Child Protective Services?”, he says.

Also! I got the following intriguing email from faithful reader Dave, currently living in China!

I am an SAT tutor in Shanghai. Rent is a little expensive here so I kind of live way out in the middle of nowhere. However, there are a lot of little alleyway restaurants where you can get a good meal for under 2 bucks U.S. Last night, I was on my way to such a place when I discovered that Garfield had somehow found his way to my neighborhood, looking sassy as ever. As you can see, he is either coming on to me or he wants to eat me. I guess this is where he goes when he leaves Jon to stew in existential terror.

PS: This Garfield was not hocking any Davis goods or anything even remotely related to Garfield. He was really just chilling outside a cheap, back-alley Chinese food restaurant. I have no idea why he was there.

There is something unspeakably creepy about the way Garfield is looking at the camera here. Dave, for not screaming aloud and fleeing in terror into the night, you are to be commended.

And now, it’s time for … your comment of the week!

“TJ’s background is obvious. He was created in a lab using the combined DNA of Arsenio Hall, Liberace, and a Portuguese Water Dog.” –Charlene

And the runners up! Very funny!

“It is a sad, sad criminal conspiracy that can be derailed by a picture on Rusty’s Flickr page. Just turn yourselves in now, boys. There’s no hope.” –Artist formerly known as Ben

“I didn’t realize he had batted the alarm clock; I instead thought he projectile-shat onto the wall. Either way, his dexterity is amazing.” –Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol

“Hot Hot Hot. A threeway with Love Story Ryan O’Neal and What’s Up, Doc? Ryan O’Neal. Lucky lucky Tommie circa 1972.” –Cranky

“Curtis’s dad’s expression is not one of surprise or amusement. My guess, given the circumstances, is that Curtis’s incessant anti-smoking hounding has finally driven him to replace his instant coffee mix with pure Skoal.” –Dragon of Life

“Wow, you know what I just realized? A picture shows images of things. That could include our faces! And our faces are wanted! Um, is it legal to kill a kid with a camera? Oh, what do I care. I’m a wanted man! I can kill anybody!” –un malpaso

“Jack Elrod is atoning for the chauvinist sins of the last storyline by giving the ladies in the audience what they’ve been clamoring for: a prison-hardened reimagining of My Dinner With Andre. You’re welcome, ladies.” –Joe Blevins

“I am not a pork item in the stimulus package … unless you want me to be. Wink wink. Anyone? Anyone? No? I WILL DO ANYTHING FOR MONEY UP TO AND INCLUDING THAT WHICH IS EXPRESSLY FORBIDDEN BY SEVERAL DIFFERENT LAWS AND RELIGIOUS TEXTS.” –Nate

“Tommie makes her move! Of course, almost any price would be worth it to get rid of that horrible blue, um, sports coat thing from Gary, but I still admire Tommie for being willing to offer her body as a reward for his removing it.” –Master Softheart

“I refuse to believe TJ’s story until he mentions the years as an underage gigolo and the stroke that paralyzed his face. Preferably in the same anecdote.” –150

“I don’t care if TJ’s father was a con, or his mom died. My only question is that grin. I need an origin story on that grin. Did his mother die of Smiley Sardonic Rictusosis? Did his dad go to jail for stealing his son’s lips?” –Spk

“Mark and family are apparently considered the local technology superstars, the Lost Forest version of Steve Jobs if you will, based on the fact that they can be uniquely identified as ‘the folks with the camera.'” –DaveyK

“The Greaser and Workshirt plot could be the beginning of an absurdist parable where the infinitely distracted heroes never arrive at any destination: ‘Workshirt, when we were renting the car to go to Lost Forest, the Avis guy got a good look at us. Better head over there and kidnap him.’ ‘Greaser, that gas station we stopped in on the way to Lost Forest had a security camera; I’m gonna go ask them to sell me the footage.’ ‘Good thinking, Workshirt. Now let’s pull over and ask these innocent bystanders for directions … D’oh! The innocent bystanders made us!’ And so on, an endless Finnegan-Begin Again loop of covered tracks.” –Tim Cavanaugh

“Clint Brawny and Emily Armfull are scions of a paper-towel and baking-soda fortune, respectively. Blondie and Dagwood came up with a plan to seduce them on purpose, because, frankly, there’s nothing more important to either of the Bumsteads than a clean kitchen and an inviting refrigerator.” –BigTed

“Sam, fully aware that this can only end in her turning into another one of the strip’s buxom pinups, oversees the transition with a look of intensest ennui.” –Black Drazon

“I don’t know what this impostor strip is, but it’s not Judge Parker. I know that because there are no scantily clad women, nor men discussing inanely trivial details of their latest lucrative career ventures. We all know those are the only two themes allowed in the Judge Parker strip.” –Alan’s Addiction

“It is a little disconcerting for him to call her ‘Princess’ and her to call him ‘Sam’. Sorta like he’s saying, ‘Let me love you like a father!’ and her reply is ‘Can’t we just be friends?’ Which is odd, because Sam normally doesn’t give a shit about feelings or affection.” –Donald the Anarchist

“Oh sure, you think she’s cute now, when she’s fetching you beer and peanuts with her lowered eyes and her little apron on. But you won’t think so later, when you’re cowering in a hollow tree incubating one giant egg after another for a dozen weeks at a time.” –Joe Btfsplk

I give prodigious thanks to those who put some money in my tip jar — you know who you are! I’d also thank our advertisers … if there were any who bought BlogAds ads, and who thus get thanked every week! Sadly, there aren’t any this week — maybe next week I’ll be thanking you! To find out more about advertising on this site, click here.