Post Content

Your somewhat truncated comments of the week are coming up, but first! As I mentioned earlier, I have been nominated for Best Humor Blog at the 2008 Weblog awards! As I discovered when I rocketed to the top of the list in the hot blogger competition, these things are all about setting your minions free to stuff the ballots, and luckily for all of you itching to do so, the polls are now open! Go, vote early and often! (I’m not advocating fraud; you really are allowed to vote once every 24 hours for as long as the polls are open, which will be for another week.)

But this blog isn’t the only nominee near and dear to my hearts! You may also find it in you to cast votes for the following:

• Wonkette, for which (if you don’t know) I write a weekly column about political cartoons, has been nominated for Best Liberal Blog.
• Sally Forth writer/faithful reader Ces Marciuliano’s online comic offering, Medium Large, has been nominated for Best Comic Strip.
• Faithful reader Alex Blaze’s Bilerco Project has been nominated for LGBT blog.

At some point in the next 24 hours or so I will try to figure out how to put a graphic up top that will REMIND YOU TO VOTE FOR ME AND CES AND ALEX REPEATEDLY. And hey, if there are faithful readers out there who have also been nominated (fully possible, as there are like a gazillion categories), just let me know and I will shamelessly promote you.

On a less fun note: A couple of readers have written me with reports of odd redirects and pop-up windows when visiting this site. I am trying to figure out of these are isolated incidents or possibly indicative of more serious problems with my server. So please e-mail me or chime in the comments if you’ve run into similar problems. (UPDATE: I have now removed some recently added ads that may be the source of the problem. Please let me know if you continue to see these nefarious pop-ups.)

And now: your comment of the week!

“I really can’t think of a single plot I’ve read in Spider-Man that couldn’t have used a ‘special note to perplexed readers’. Personally I could have used notes like ‘that is a magic spider-sense resistant brick’, ‘that fat guy is tougher than he looks’, and especially ‘yes, Peter really is too stupid to remember he is walking around with full length underwear on during the summer.'” –rhymes with puck

And the runners up! Also hilarious!

“I believe Brooke has built himself the largest Suspension Bridge of Disbelief in the world, starting with a priggish teenage dancer who also just happens to be an accomplished pianist, who is paired with a geeky boy cellist who can manage to kiss his girlfriend despite the fact that neither of them have chins. After all that, showing a former parochial school couple capable of having hand-sex that inspires the world just sort of falls into place on the bridge.” –True Fable

“When I first saw the Gasoline Alley Christmas Greeting strip, I thought I should cut it out and attach it to a whiskey bottle. Then I realized I didn’t own any whiskey cheap enough. In the end, I found a used bottle that once contained generic diet cola, glued on the December 25 strip, and filled it with gasoline. If you drink enough of that, Gasoline Alley suddenly starts to make sense. That happens right before you go blind, which can also improve Gasoline Alley.” –Adjuster

“Meanwhile, in Mark Trail, our latest facial hair sporter comes across a dead animal, a development which despite being entirely expected in a swamp full of people who kill animals for fun, still seems to surprise him. Or maybe he’s just angry he wasn’t there for the good part.” –gogiggs

“So is the big Spider-Man change just that every day, there will be a text box explaining that there is a big change?” –Anne

“Spider-Man/ Spider-Man/ Shunted into the/ Past by Stan/ He was trapped/ Now he’s free!/ He loves Aunt/ May’s T.V./ Let’s watch/ Cable with Spider-Man!” –Angry Kem

“The next surprise in Spider-Man will come on Feb. 17, when analog television broadcasting is turned off. Spider-Man will spend the rest of the year trying to find out what happened — assuming of course, you consider sitting in front of the television, looking at static, and yelling at it a form of trying to find out what happened.” –Worthinator

“I think this marks a bold new direction for the strip. Ditch the costumed crime-fighting angle. That wasn’t working anyway. Now the strip will be about how Peter Parker dozes off every couple of weeks and awakes to find himself in a different historical era with different tentative plans for his midday meals.” –Joe Blevins

“I’m hoping that Sam is followed around by large, tangible sound effects for the rest of his miserable days. They can change according to his mood and the moods of those around him, which generally will mean the air being filled with repetitions of the words ‘DISAPPOINTED SIGH’, on most occasions.” –richbachelor

“I know this should really go without saying, but I hate Mary Worth. She’s so infuriated by the thought of a stranger being able to raise his own child without her input that it’s actually causing her neck pain. Next up for Mary: a Vicodin and Flexeril addiction and the inability to urinate that comes with it.” –bitter law student

“Even as a child, I thought the way Blondie and Dagwood’s chairs were arranged (so that she never has to see whatever disgusting, food-based perversions he finds on late-night cable) was unspeakably depressing. It’s like they used to have separate dens, until a ‘marriage counselor’ with ‘new ideas’ suggested that they spend more time together. This almost, sort-of, counts.” –Sarah

“I’d say Beetle Bailey is about to retcon himself back to college, but without a third panel explicitly saying so I can’t be certain.” –Comrade Denny

“Attracting Mark’s Attention In Ten Easy Steps. Chapter 1. Wrong: I hope he notices I’ve changed my hair. Right: I hope he notices I’ve groomed my pelt.” –One-eyed Wolfdog

I must give a hearty thank you to everyone who’s put cash in tip jar! And our advertisers know how a clean election is run:

• Hot blogger action: If you only buy one sexy calendar this year, make sure it’s this one, featuring your Comics Curmudgeon, Josh Fruhlinger! Plus Sally Forth scribe Ces Marciuliano, and other hot dudes. Also available: a calendar full of hot blogging ladies. Don’t miss out!

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Post Content

Folks, it’s time for me to make my annual late-December holiday three-cornered multi-city voyage of the damned to see various parents, step-parents, in-laws, friends, Romans, countrymen, etc. Since most of you will be similarly occupied this week, I give you the gift my absence, so my hilarious wit doesn’t constantly distract you from the good times you’re supposed to be having with your families. I’ll be back blogging sometime between Dec. 31 and Jan. 2, whenever I have recovered and the mood strikes.

If you must have comics fun between now and then, perhaps you should consider voting in the First Annual Worthy Awards? This momentous occasion, put on by faithful reader Wanders, is a must-read event for all Mary Worth fans/foes/frenemies.

And speaking of awards, keep an eye out for the winners of faithful reader True Fable’s Bee Grinding Awards coming (I assume) in a comment on this very post!

And now, I leave you with the final comment of the week of 2008:

“That’s a ‘nice smile’? Looks more like Dr. Kelly just passed gas and is waiting patiently for Tommie’s reaction.” –Smokehouse

And the runners up!

“I feel sorry for Mary Worth. She’s a pitiable creature doomed to roam the earth listening to the problems of vague, weak-willed blondes. Call her The Wandering Shrew.” –Joe Blevins

“Lynn, driven to despair by her own tale of woe, decides to attempt suicide. But what method, she wonders? Fling herself in front of the rink zamboni? But why bother when Mary Worth’s bony, unyielding shoulder is so close! ‘I’ll just fling myself on her and fracture my skull!’ she thinks. But after being spattered with brains and skull fragments many a time, Mary is wise to this ploy, and now wears shoulder pads.” –ouranosaurus

“Gah, yeah, how could that one SMOKIN’ HOT bug-eyed hydrocephalic baby with glasses be attracted to that other extremely similar-looking bug-eyed hydrocephalic baby with glasses? Marvin should be illegal.” –Canaduck

“In defense of Shoe’s having nothing to do with birds — or shoes — it is merely doing what countless comic strips do: comment on our modern world through the lens of an arbitrary, not intrinsically humorous gimmick-world. Thus, Crock and the Foreign Legion; B.C. with its Christian cavemen; Apartment 3-G and its male cloning program; Momma and its Freudian hellscape.” –teddytoad

“Also, there is no power on Earth that can stop me from interpreting ‘After Greg died, I was a robot’ literally.” –Violet

“[Mary Worth] tells Lynn she should get on with her life and skate perfectly … just like her evil dad! Only MW drew tears first … deep-buried, painful, angst-ridden tears … the elixir upon which she sups.” –Wug

“You know, I suddenly realized something very sad. I’m a faculty member at a university in New England. My girlfriend lives in New York and is a former dancer and choreographer. I have at least a few friends and colleagues in the world of classical music and musicology. If there theoretically exists an audience outside of the Juilliard student body for the pretentiousness and self-absorbed pettiness that define 9 Chickweed Lane, it would be me. With God as my witness, I don’t know whether to be more disturbed by the fact that I am being micro-targeted by Brooke McEldowney more precisely than by the marketing department at Whole Foods or by the fact that he has failed even in that pitiful and degrading ambition.” –Master Softheart

“The original draft of this comic would have simply gone as follows: [Panel 1] Bird Woman: ‘Ever since I did it, I feel so much younger!’ [Panel 2] MacNelly: ‘Yeah, that’s right! I just made you think about *bird sex*!’ That nonsensical punchline in which ‘doing it’ inexplicably means ‘destroying all evidence of my existence in a sort of symbolic suicide rather than accept my own mortality’ rather than the usual meaning was added by the editors.” –Warren

In response to the above: “I never once, in all the discussion over the last day about this Shoe comic, thought about ‘doing it’ in the sexual sense. The ennui and disgust emanating from Shoe effectively killed the thought completely.” –Niall

“Spider-Man was originally going to say ‘O RLY’, since that’s what all the kids are doing on the Internet these days, but he chickened out at the last minute and fell back on one of his standard villain retorts, resulting in the awkward double negative. Can’t blame him, though, considering the implausible dialogue he has to work with: ‘I’m recapping the plot to you now!’ ‘I’m emphasizing the actions that are occurring right in front of your eyes in response to your plot recap!’ ‘O — DON’T COUNT ON IT! … I … wait, what did you just say? Shit, can I get a do-over?’ [Jameson crashes into the wall]” –ChargeMan

“Big Time’s sidekick, Hathair McHenchman, has got to be the stupidest looking minion ever.” –Brick Bradford

On Summer’s Winterfest date: “Nah, she’ll go with Cory Winkerbean — he’ll show up underdressed, sullen, and probably drunk, then humiliate Summer in front of God and everybody. Les will start a fistfight with Funky over it, landing both of them in the hospital (busted nose; heart attack). Summer and Cory will meet in the hospital lobby after visiting hours and awkwardly make up, out, love, a child, a loveless marriage, and ruined lives for all.” –Uncle Lumpy

“I like how Big Time didn’t even have to take the gun out of its holster; it just sort of motion-lined out of that general area. Perhaps his TRUE super-power is teleportation and he’s just keeping it a secret because, you know, it’s Spider-Man and nothing cool can be known.” –Erik

“God help us all, but could that be Ziggy’s son? Guess all those years of walking around without pants finally paid off.” –Pozzo

“Fake Spidey decides to stop Big-Time from killing now? I guess even he knew that Big-Time’s clock-dropping escapade would fail. He’s sort of like a parent keeping an eye on his kid. ‘Sure, drop a clock around, have your fun, Bigel — HEY DO NOT SHOOT ANYONE. DO NOT. NO.'” –HastyPenguin

“I didn’t even get how Shoe’s line was supposed to be a pick-up line until you made me realize that it’s horror and madness. I, uh, I still don’t really get the joke, but now I’m vomiting blood.” –Malethoth K

“Boy, that Guido Tomas has a thick neck. You know what they say about guys with thick necks, dontcha? If so please tell me; I just find it kind of unsettling.” –Li’l Bunnë FooFoo

“I can relate to Marvin’s dog. Just like him, it also takes me longer when I think about Santa.” –Red Greenback

“I do appreciate that Santa is cringing in anticipation of the dog-sex joke to follow. I know the ‘he sees you when you’re sleeping’ has always been creepy, but it’s nice to know that Santa still has some standards.” –Lettuce

“Here’s a great way to elude your pursuers while you are running away from them in a half-dried up swamp with a gigantic Saint Bernard dog: quietly yell at the top of your lungs, ‘Hey Pop!’ That’ll throw them off your track every time.” –Little A. a Fan of One Big Happy

“Margo’s icy stare in the second throwaway panel looks like a challenge: ‘Throw this panel away, foolish newspaper editor, and feel the wrath of Margo!'” –Craig

“I’m amazed at Sunday’s Apartment 3-G. In the space of four panels, Tommie goes from coy to playful to flirtatious to Estelle Getty.” –Dingo

“For a guy who’s shaped a little too much like the Hunchback of Notre Dame, maybe Jamaal shouldn’t go around quoting Victor Hugo.” –BigTed

“Yes, I’m having some difficulty controlling THE VOLUME OF MY VOICE!!! It’s a side effect of the (still incomplete) unfreezing process.” –Vince M

“Oh my God! Herb’s going to make a coat out of Jamaal! Either that, or he’s trying to become the subject of an Oliver Sacks book, The Man Who Mistook His Life Partner for a Coat.” –Joe Blevins

“At long last, we have the answer to the question which has dogged generations of art scholars: What if Jack Elrod drew the Pietà?” –Mac

“Wow, it looks like Mark ran out of big bold font right in the middle of a sentence. Like the swamplands, big bold font must be conserved.” –Digger

Would baby Jesus and Judah Maccabee want you to put money in my tip jar? Probably not, but you should do it anyway! And our advertisers have the hearty endorsement of the giant Kwanzaa otter:

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Post Content

Hey there, it’s COTW time! But first, as ever, there are Items to share!

• Item the first: faithful reader commodorejohn has composed another comics-inspired instrumental piece! His ode to Apartment 3-G will haunt your dreams.
• Item the second: faithful reader wocket points me to a fabulous blog called Scott Meets The Family Circus, in which the titular Scott enters the twisted world of the Keanes and harasses them.

And now, without further ado, it’s this week’s top comment!

“I’m more than a little disturbed that Andy has been trained to lick objects on command. ‘Ok, fellow, see what you can do with this.'” –BB

And the many hilarious runners up!

“Margo actually knows more drug terminology, but she’s kept it to herself ever since the time she used the phrase ‘shooting up with marijuana’ and a nearby twelve-year-old laughed so hard he had an asthma attack and had to be rushed to the hospital.” –Paul1963

“The people on the boat are obnoxious and hateful; now they’re telling bad puns; I fear that Rex, June, and Sarah are trapped on a Foob cruise.” –ChristianPinko

“The dialogue in Mary Worth may sound stilted, as most of us no longer speak Meddle English.” –Beatrice

“Gee, I hope Mary doesn’t slip and break her hip on that puddle of her own anticipatory drool as she tries to get outside faster.” –Pinokeyo’s Wife

“Sue: Pop, have you seen Mark?
Pop: Yes, yes, I remember him. Good lookin’ fella. Very knowledgeable about waterfowl. Who is this?
Sue: It’s Sue.
Pop: Sue who?
Sue: The woman who’s draining your swamp.
Pop: What swamp? I haven’t seen a swamp around here in a long time.
Sue: That’s because I… never mind. Where’s Mark?
Pop: Oh yes, I went out looking for him yesterday. Then it was time for Judge Judy, and gee, I just plumb forgot to go back out.
Sue: So where is he?
Pop: Dunno. Prob’ly croc turds by now. Who did you say you were, young lady?” –Hogen Mogen

Re: Luann’s Brad fleeing to a monastery: “But what monastery would want him? He has the social skills of a dim twelve-year-old, and his practical skills are doing school programs with a miniature fire truck and buying melons while thinking about breasts. I bet most monasteries aren’t that desperate.” –Poteet

“Brad will spend the whole trip wandering around the beach in his jams and a white crew neck T-shirt carrying a pair of coconuts. Oh, and he’ll be wearing a wide-brimmed hat.” –Pastor Z

“I would really like to see a Mary Worth strip where Lynn’s father gets into a fight with another overbearing figure skater dad while Lynn pleads in the background, ‘Please, Father, take it out of doors!'” –sean b

“I’m guessing that Andy actually couldn’t care less about Mark, and is simply attracted to the lingering odor of decades-old shrimp. Mark’s lime, coconut, and Tabasco-scented cologne only makes the aroma that much more intriguing.” –BigTed

“Amateur fetish model Mark Trail is staring straight into the camera, breaking the fourth wall with a ‘Gee, big boy, I’m all tied up and helpless!’ come-hither look. Like his mentor, Bettie Page, Mark knows that jet-black bangs and feigned innocence are the most powerful aphrodisiacs of all.” –Jessie

“I have always assumed that Mark smells like what ever industrial grade hair product he happens to use. While we never see inside the Trails’ bathroom (thank the Gods for that small favor), we can’t know for certain just what product he uses, but given the texture, sheen, and immovability of Mark’s hair … my money is on Penzoil 30 weight.” –IronMouse

“Sure, Svanhildur is an interesting name, but not half as interesting as those gravity-defying pigtails. I’m not too familiar with Cleats; does the name refer to the way people have to cling to the Earth with their shoes because gravity pulls upward?” –Malta

“Congratulations, you found a Ziggy comic that made me laugh. This means the death penalty.” –Dur Tahar

“…so my father zambonied Greg to death and buried him in our yard.” –Whippersnapper

“I am guessing that Mark, stripped of all punching power, pretty much smells a lot like the puddle of urine he is sitting in.” –AMSTERDANG

“I certainly learned something about swans today: They may look like graceful things of beauty, elegant like objects of romanticized art — but they’re really dangerously angry monsters, deceptively willing to tear you apart for any or no reason. In other words: Swans are all just like Margo.” –Mibbitmaker

“I hope this Mark Trail storyline goes on a little longer. Soon the recaps will take so long that we’ll have a strip that’s nothing but a solid wall of narration boxes being spouted by a condor.” –Black Drazon

“Ziggy is name of Germanic origin meaning ‘victory’ and/or ‘protection.’ I can’t think of a more grossly misnamed character on the comics page. I mean, Margo means ‘pearl,’ which at least describes her pasty, vampiric complexion, and Peter Parker means ‘stone gamekeeper,’ an object as useless as our so-called hero. Revision: an object almost as useless as our so-called hero. A stone gamekeeper at least could be used to stop a bullet or hold open a door, tho’ I wouldn’t mind seeing Peter stop a bullet, after which he could reliably be used as a doorstop.” –Comrade Denny

“With all of those amazing abilities Andy possesses, you’d think he could mix a decent julep.” –Dingo

“‘Whoa, sarcasm!’ I realize that Margo will just likely lay larva in his chest cavity like she does so many other victims of hers, but for a brief instant I think we may have someone who can hold his own against her, at least for a panel or two.” –True Fable

“Lay off Mark’s grammar, everyone! ‘You’re doing good’ is perfectly grammatical; it’s simply that ‘good’ here is a noun rather than an adjective. He is not indicating that Andy is doing well at the task, but rather that untying Mark is an objectively good deed. I am sure it’s simply Mark’s way, just as when training animals, instead of ‘bad dog’, they get a stern ‘you’re doing evil.’ Moral shaming is pretty much Mark’s favorite tactic. Moral shaming with his fists.” –Aelfric

“So let me get this straight — in the world of Apartment 3G, everyone is presumed guilty until proven innocent, but Margo is still allowed to roam freely? How does that make any sense at all? And speaking of proof, I think the detective needs to prove that he’s not actually Eric Mills after a healthy application of Grecian Formula.” –Trilobite

“‘Beetle, is the jeep fixed yet?’ If by ‘fixed’ you mean ‘converted from a rugged military vehicle into a one-seater children’s toy’ … then yes.” –survivor

“Hasn’t Marvin learned to speak? I thought that was a thing. So he’s only thought-ballooning to be an ass. Which, I mean, mission accomplished, really.” –He Brought Queenie Baby Jesus

“The final panel of today’s Mark Trail would be much better with fewer educational text boxes and the addition of a thought balloon over the head of the chickadee on the right. ‘My,’ it thinks to itself, ‘I hadn’t realized until he hung upside down beside me, but Carl has a mighty fine-lookin’ anus!'” –Tom the Pirate

“Wow … look at Mary Worth, panel five. Someone broke the news to her that her crush died so immediately after she won the Junior Championship that she was still wearing her skating outfit and her medal. Who is this, her spiteful arch-nemesis, angry that she only came in runner-up? ‘Oh, hey Lynn, great job winning the competition! By the way, did you hear that the boy you’ve been in love with all year, the only friend you ever had, died? Yeah, I’m so sorry I had to be the one to break it to you. Oh, here are the reporters from the local paper! Have fun with those interviews!'” –Rita Lake and the Special Goddesses

“As for those smugglers, the only evidence we’ve seen is that they smuggle nature writers. Unless: he meant ‘snugglers,’ and all the speculation about swamp sexual hi-jinks came true!” –buckyswife

“The great thing about reading A3G day in and day out is that it grinds the scale of your expectations down to the point where the sudden appearance of a non-blue article of clothing delivers the relative comic-soap impact of a dozen real-life Tunguska events. Did you see that bright yellow shirt today? Holy shit, yeah! You know you did! WHOOO!” –One-eyed Wolfdog

Also worth reading is faithful reader Dingo’s take on the Night Before Christmas.

As the holidays really get going, we offer a hearty HO HO HO to those who put a little cash in my tip jar! And our advertisers understand the true spirit of the season:

• Have an Indie Holiday!: Skip the mall — shop indie this holiday! Shana Logic has the coolest handmade and independently designed gear on the web, hands down! Great gift ideas — for him, for her, or under $10! FREE SHIPPING on USA orders over $75 with code: comicholiday.
• High Times Pot Smoker’s Handbook: Don’t stress, dude. It’s just the holidays…
• The U.S. of Eh? How Canada secretly controls the United States and why that’s OK.
• Wham-O Super Book: It’s easy! It’s fun! It’s the Wham-O Super Book!
• Hot blogger action:If you only buy one sexy calendar this year, make sure it’s this one, featuring your Comics Curmudgeon, Josh Fruhlinger! Plus Sally Forth scribe Ces Marciuliano, and other hot dudes. Also available: a calendar full of hot blogging ladies. Don’t miss out!
• Josh teams up with MST3K alums! Enjoy MST3K-style ribbing of the weepiest Spider-Man ever — with Bill Corbett, Kevin Murphy, and your very own Comics Curmudgeon!

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