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I don’t select the Comments of the Week (not worthy!), but good news: Josh assembled these gems before high-tailing it for parts unknown! Here is your weekly top comment!

“A lot of people may regard Hi and Lois as pretty conventional, but I for one have never seen a couple of non-junkies so consistently committed to ignoring their baby.” –Violet

And here are your runners up!

“Scott is killed by a heroin dealer, but is able to get a shot off before the sweet sweet Charterstone-free eternal sleep envelops him. The critically injured dealer is rushed to the hospital where Adrian is faced with the moral dilemma — do I let him die or do I accept his invitation for drinks and a movie?” –Uncle Ritzy-Fitz

“And yeah, and what’s-her-face is totally using this to try to get into Les’s pants. I would express disapproval, but actually getting into Les’s pants will be punishment enough.” –Cliff Arroyo

“That traditional Milford bonfire is of Gil’s house by everyone he’s screwed over. Marty DeJong was just a little early this year.” –Steve S

“And I think Archie should just go ahead and reboot as a funny animal strip if that’s what they want to draw. Go ahead, let them get married, say ‘OK, that’s it!’, and the next morning they’re all squirrels. I believe it’s what nature intends.” –One-eyed Wolfdog

“YO TOM BATUIK, I’M REALLY HAPPY FOR YOU, AND I’MMA LET YOU FINISH DEPRESSING THE MASSES ON A WEEKLY BASIS, BUT SPAMALOT IS ONE OF THE BEST MUSICALS OF ALL TIME. OF ALL TIME.” –Ace

“Ah, nothing like a good witch burning to kick off the football season.” –zerowolf

“Toni’s turnaround was clearly Day One of Brad’s schizoid break with reality. Hope the real Toni is still alive.” –Marion D

“MW: I love the ‘Cartel Update’ pamphlet. I prefer to think that the police merely intercepted the drug cartel’s weekly newsletter. ‘Not only have they changed warehouses, but it’s big Pauly’s birthday! Be sure to wish him a hearty congratulations as you arrest him.'” –Citric

“Ah, Brad, once again you stand in for all humanity. Who amongst us does not have erotic daydreams involving our best friend and our father?” –neographite

“On the plus side, though, it seems that Brad can’t even create non-Toni people who care about him. High-five, universe!” –cj

“Grandma Keane just wants to know where her goddam flying car is. She was promised one.” –yellojkt

“When Grandma says the future just isn’t what it used to be, she should know. After all, she’s a time traveller who came here from a wonderful future where we all live in enlightened peace and harmony. However, during her time travels, she accidentally killed a mosquito, and … well, that’s how we end up living in a post-apocalyptic hell with President Jeffy.” –Perky Bird

“It’s nice of Brad to envision a world where TJ has been cured of his chronic case of lockjaw.” –zamros

“Weren’t JAMARR, DEONTE, DIEHL and BAUZA the clues in today’s Jumble?” –Dancing Bear

Three cheers for everyone who put cash into my tip jar! And cheers also to my advertisers:

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— Uncle Lumpy

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Your comment of the week coming shortly! But first, a bit of news and a request for help! The much anticipated/dreaded redesign of this site is ALREADY UNDERWAY, off in some designer’s lab somewhere. I’ve taken your suggestions to heart — it will be kept simple, and there will be no threaded comments, in keeping with the pretty firm majority view. I’d also like to include some folks as beta testers, to look at a mock-up version of the site once we’re pretty far along in the process, and test things and make sure that they work as they’re supposed to. I am grateful for anyone who wants to help, and am particularly looking for people with older computers or nonstandard setups (dialup, small screens, etc.). This will not involve much work on your part — poking around the test site a bit, posting some test comments, providing some feedback; shouldn’t take more than half an hour or so. The design probably will be ready for testing in mid-to-late September. If you’re interested, please email me at bio@jfruh.com, and please let me know what operating system (e.g., Windows Vista, Windows XP, Mac OS X, Linux) and Web browser (e.g., Internet Explorer, Firefox) you use, and how fast your Internet connection is (e.g., dialup, DSL, cable). We only probably need maybe 20 people or so, so I’ll probably make a note here if I get overwhelmed with responses.

And now … your comment of the week!

“I hope those poachers don’t come after us. And speaking of danger, what happened to that alligator you just freed? Aaaugh, my bottom half!” –BigTed

And your runners-up! Also funny!

“What really creeps me out is that the only reason I can see for Marvin fantasizing about telling his mom not to wear a slutty dress was … that he was in time out for dressing in a slutty dress. And crapping on it, of course.” –rhymes with puck

“Maybe Jeffy aims to be Ziggy when he grows up.” –gnome de blog

“Is … is Jeffy eating his severed hand?” –AeroSquid

“The entire Keane family has been wedged into the scene, save Grandma and Kittycat the cat. Maybe I’ve missed something, and those two characters have died. Or maybe Jeff Keane assumes that in scenes of family tragedy, the cat and Grandma will be where they always are, asleep under the bed.” –Li’l Bunnë FooFoo

“In buying Adrian a ring, Scott has deferred his dream of owning a second suit — one that’s not Irish Setter colored — for a few years.” –Old School Allie Cat

“I’m really hope that the idiotic roller coaster that is Adrian’s love life will continue to come up every other story in Mary Worth. First there was Ted the grifter and unsubtle thought ballooner. Next comes the paternally approved Scott who will get himself in a boring legal mess when it’s discovered that in an attempt to keep up with his early promise to financially take care of Adrian, he stole a pathetically small diamond ring from evidence. Finally she will discover the perfect man from well bred stock who was right in front of her all along: her own brother. Together they will create children with a penchant for bad haircuts, checkerboard suit coats, and an overestimation of their charismatic skills. Sadly, the Corey family tradition of doctors who all work in the same hospital will end, as obviously such children will be an abomination and will have the mental capacity of a spoon.” –Hinako Sensei

“All kids *do* have a chance to enjoy the outdoors, Rusty, because unlike you, most of them have figured out how doorknobs work.” –Pozzo

“JEANS would seem to indicate a specialized boutique, no doubt selling denim abominations for $169 per pair and up. That may best a mall, depending on your standards. The only place at which Cathy and Irving ought to be shopping for apparel, however, is BODY BAGS.” –Fran Ledue Page

“I would like to know who this old dude in Phantom is, and how he escaped from the world of Conan the Barbarian. That’s the only other place in literature (in existence, really) where the concept of hooded, sleeveless robes makes sense.” –Alan’s Addiction

“Man, Morrissey’s really let himself go.” –UnknownEric

“This would either make an excellent three-panel in Blondie or six months’ worth of story in Apt. 3G.” –Dingo

“Even as our country struggles with the question of whether what was previously considered illegal search and seizure, warrantless wiretapping, and even internationally recognized forms of torture can ever be acceptable to defend the country against stateless terrorism, Judge Parker advocates that all of these powers be deployed to prevent celebrities — or wealthy and attractive people generally — from being inconvenienced.” –Master Softheart

“Our plugger friend should have waited to see whether the basic Electronics Store 2009 Catalog would meet his needs before ordering the deluxe, leather bound edition.” –Duke of Earl Grey

“‘When you feel ready, you can wear it! Meanwhile, I’ve fused our hands into a hideous multi-fingered knob!’ Tomorrow: Charley arrives on the scene. ‘I’ll give you a knob for adults! If you know what I mean!'” –Dragon of Life

“If this guy is so patient, why ask her to get married so quick? Was kissing her floating head on a park bench that great? I mean, the other guy got 50 thousand out of her for calling her Queenie — I guess you’re going for a 100 Gs and Dr. Jeff’s green going-out-to-dinner jacket.” –mr 12 oz can

“We seem to have interrupted Wolverine in the middle of his tai chi exercises.” –corinthian

“Oooooh! ‘Operation H-Town’! How exciting! But since this is Santa Royale, I’m sure the ‘H’ stands for ‘hors d’oeuvres’.” –mojo

“I’m surprised that a video of Marvin suffering and crying would only get 50000 hits. I would watch it that many times just by myself.” –Les of the Jungle Patrol

“Mark Trail sure is an expert on what is illegal. That’s just one of the benefits of being a proud graduate of the Commit Felony Assault School of Law.” –NoahSnark

“Dick Tracy: In the last month, a trapeze chick died and Dick talked about it. That’s it. This makes Rex Morgan look like Transformers II.” –MolyBendum

“Look, Sandman, if you’re going to lie around on the beach, secretly ogling the muscled thighs of passer-by, you’re going to have to deal with a little sand in the face. That’s how it works.” –edp

“Are we sure this isn’t Susan’s latest attempt to win Les’ affections? ‘Look, it’s all about death and cancer! You LOVE death and cancer!'” –Mela

I give prodigious thanks to those who put some money in my tip jar — you know who you are! I’d also thank our advertisers … if there were any who bought BlogAds ads, and who thus get thanked every week! Sadly, there aren’t any this week — maybe next week I’ll be thanking you! To find out more about advertising on this site, click here.

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Your comment of the week coming shortly, but first: enjoy this fine video, sent to me by faithful reader Mr.???. Stan Freberg urges you to read the Sunday comics … if you know what’s good for you. Featuring the Spectacular Spider-Ass!

And now, your comment of the week:

“If you need your wife’s permission to be a poacher, you probably aren’t cut out to be a poacher. Just sayin’.” –smacky

And your runners up! So funny!

Re: Marvin’s apparent lack of genitals: “Sadly, I suspect Marvin procreates by other means, probably by implanting his larvae in the brain or chest of some poor unsuspecting human.” –TheDiva

“I believe Adrian’s boyfriend has mistaken her for some kind of gigantic whiskey decanter and is trying to unscrew her head to get at the sweet, sweet liquor inside her neck.” –Joe Blevins

“Aristotle Papagoras/Sees the trees, but not the forest/ He’s just a drug-prescribin’ monkey/ For every eyebrow-batting junkie.” –Uncle Lumpy

“Who would have thought that the cop from the good family would prove to be a modern day Salome? Too bad we missed the Dance of the Seven Ugly Neckties.” –Nekrotzar

“In a further effort to reach out to its target audience, today’s Momma was specifically drawn to be enjoyed by people with cataracts.” –NoahSnark

“I think it’s funny that several people chose to assume the gender-neutral names were those of guys, even though there’s plausible deniability. Francis’s possible bisexuality doesn’t manage to make the strip funny or interesting, but it’s like we’re desperate to get it there somehow.” –junk science

“I don’t ever do the Jumble. I just go holler the four scrambled words out my front door and pretend I’m a trailer park Mom on Mars.” –Dancing Bear

“Look, if she’s staring at the wall while she’s talking to you, maybe you ought to think twice before prescribing narcotics.” –commodorejohn

“Fascinating. We all know it only takes your average man a few seconds to ‘turn’ his ‘microwave knob,’ while women usually require a bit more time. But this is the first information I’ve seen on the sexual proclivities of shapeless orange blob-things.” –ratnerstar

“The Professor recommends that Ms. Merrill double the dosage of her drugs, so that she will forget seeing his name and face on that ‘Wanted’ poster in Athens, where he is being sought for crimes against the electromagnetic spectrum by wearing that necktie with that jacket.” –seismic-2

“First compliment his physique, then get him drunk … is Brock reading directly from Handbook for the Desperately Closeted Teammate? ‘Duncan, I rented a dirty movie, wanna see? Oh my God, they the rental store must have totally mixed up the tapes! Hey, let me show you my new wrestling moves!'” –teddytoad

“Ooh! First sexting came to Milford, then stalkers and now it’s hipsters! I can’t wait to see see the poorly-drawn confusion on Gil’s face as he learns that Duncan doesn’t actually like Sonic Youth and is just wearing the t-shirt ironically, and also that Sonic Youth is some sort of rock and roll band.” –Rachel K

“Poor Dick Tracy; normally his cases are so easy to solve. Just find the person with some freakish genetic abnormality who has a name that describes that abnormality and make sure they die in some agonizing fashion. Now that he’s surrounded by freaks with corny pun names he might actually have to use real detective skills to crack that case. Well, at least after today we know someone will eventually be eaten by a tiger.” –Rob

“Whatever that shirt says under Duncan’s grotesquely oversized hand, there’s no way it’s ‘Sonic Youth.’ I’d say it’s ‘Comic Mouth,’ a condition that afflicts Duncan’s freakish friend.” –Steve S

“I don’t think ‘yeah I guess I pumped a little iron’ is so much carefully calibrated ambivalence, as it is a more sanitized, newspaper-friendly version of ‘uh … dude, is that a boner?’ Meanwhile, Brock/Robb’s attempt to cover (let’s go drink some heterosexual beer like heterosexuals) is as transparent and awkward as his naked ‘excitement’.” –edp

“You have to give the AJGLU credit when it’s due, and I really like how Reggie is such a complete douche that the fires of Hell are already beginning to consume him during his preamble, before he even gets to his douchey punchline.” –Edgy DC

“The longer I look at this Mary Worth strip the more insanely glorious it becomes! I just hope this time the Nazis manage to actually shoot some of those yodeling Von Trapp urchins.” –sugarpie

“Why is the police chief standing in front of FLOOR PLAN? When he says ‘infiltrated,’ how literal is he being? Are there heroin dealers in the ducts?” –OtherOpus

“The funny thing with Margo and Lu Ann’s exchange in the final panel is that usually it’s the other way around. ‘It gets easier, I promise’ is what Margo whispers to her lovers during their unspeakable sex acts.” –Mr.Death

“Is it correct police procedure for Detective Aryan Butterscotch to pull his weenus out in a restaurant for Adrian, claiming it will make things ‘one step better’? Or is he just reaching to ‘jiggle the handle’ so to speak?” –True Fable

“Just wait until Crankshaft finds out about Marvin’s bee-killing ways, given his known pro-bee sympathies. Maybe Batuik will put together a strip where Crankshaft invites Marvin and his family to an apiary conference to learn more about bees, and sadly they all die from Legionnaires’ disease. Except I won’t be sad at all! Hahahahaha!” –Brock Simpson

“I’m a bit surprised by Dr. Papagoras. Sex for drugs seems rather pedestrian. I figured his usual M.O. to be to get his patients hooked on his own special cocktail of lithium, diamorphine, and mescaline and then, using a combination of operant conditioning, hypnosis, and readings from Nietzsche, disable his ‘patients” moral center and impulse control, turning them into amoral, drug-fueled killing machines. Tommie and Lu Ann, of course, were early subjects of his, and he only succeeding in completely incapacitating their frontal lobes, but Margo — Margo is his masterpiece.” –Comrade Denny

“The key to Spider-Man is surely that the narration box doesn’t say how many seconds. It’s probably at least 3600. Enough time to ‘get her to safety,’ if you know what I mean, and I think you do. Oh wait. This is Peter Parker we’re talking about isn’t it? Make it 300 seconds. That’s probably enough time to get himself to safety anyway.” –fnord3125

I give prodigious thanks to those who put some money in my tip jar — you know who you are! I’d also thank our advertisers … if there were any who bought BlogAds ads, and who thus get thanked every week! Sadly, there aren’t any this week — maybe next week I’ll be thanking you! To find out more about advertising on this site, click here.