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Momma, 1/11/13

Francis broke this copying machine with his ass, right? Like, he was making photocopies of his ass, and then he broke the copy machine, with his ass? Look, he’s even tenderly resting his hands on his ass-injury! This is how people break copy machines in jokes, and yet the neo-Victorians who run the comics pages refuse to let us laugh at the image of Francis panicking as his naked ass shatters the glass on the office copy machine.

Mary Worth, 1/11/13

And yet they print depraved sexual filth like this in the newspapers where the children can see! Won’t somebody think of the children, for once?

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Momma, 12/14/12

I was trying to figure out a “Francis is secretly blowing people for money down at the bus station” joke here, but then decided that wouldn’t be true to his character. Not because he’s unshakably heterosexual or anything, but because he’s notoriously lazy. Francis doesn’t do anything with the word the “job” in it, and fellatio takes a dedication to craft and an interest in other people that he’s simply never demonstrated.

Pluggers, 12/14/12

The first rule of senior plugger fight club is: you do not talk about senior plugger fight club, because the details are all hazy, because of the encroaching senility.

Judge Parker, 12/14/12

“When I married your father, and you were 12 and I was 15, I thought, ‘I can’t wait to see that young man walk down the aisle.’ That isn’t creepy at all!”

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Curtis and Momma, 11/26/12

Comics artists! It is true that you are old and cranky, and that everything about the young people who don’t subscribe to the paper is annoying. Nevertheless, it is perhaps advisable for you to do a cursory bit of investigation to determine exactly how newfangled the habits and turns of phrase and cultural production of today’s youth are before you lambaste them in the comics pages as irritating novelties. For instance: auto-tune made its musical debut with Cher’s single “Believe,” which hit the airwaves in 1998! This means that it’s a musical production technique that is literally older than Curtis is, and would probably be familiar to his father already. Also, the word “awesome” in its weakened, colloquial sense of “very good” is first recorded in 1961, and was in vogue from around 1980. So have you been complaining about this usage for 30 or maybe even 50 years? Perhaps now is the time to give up on this particular fight!

Zits, 11/26/12

No, your attacks on the young should be universal and timeless. For instance, did you know that teenagers are monstrous, unthinking appetites, whose compliments cannot be taken seriously because they will vibrate ceaselessly in joy at anyone or anything that can sate their endless need?