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Crankshaft, 6/4/17

Earlier this week we got treated to yet another hint that Crankshaft is trapped in temporal amber, always on the verge of death but never quite getting there. That’s really something for comics obsessives like me and the readers of this blog to contemplate, though. Today’s strip gets back to the simple, core message the Funkyverse has for casual readers turning to the funny pages for a wistful smile and a little escapism: all of us are going to die, and some of us sooner than others.

Panel from Slylock Fox, 6/4/17

Solution — Count Weirdly still has a pre-animalpocalypse mindset. He clings to the old ways, where there was a hierarchy of species, with his own, of course, on top. “Max?” he thinks, typing various combinations into the password field with no effect. “Is Max his pet?” Sly and Max smile at him with mingled pity and contempt. This is the new age. The standings of various species have been dramatically leveled, and Slylock chose that outdated password hint to remind him of the social order he now serves. His password is “NO GODS NO MASTERS”.

Panel from The Family Circus, 6/4/17

“There, I just summarized the whole long boring sermon for you! Now let’s go to the dog track. Don’t tell your parents.”

Mother Goose and Grimm, 6/4/17

Well, let’s just see what these adorable bunnies are up to in this whimsical comic strip and AAAUGH AAUGH AAAUGH THEY’VE AMPUTATED THEIR OWN LEGS IN ORDER TO IMPROVE THEIR FORTUNE AND NOW THEY’RE HAVING REGRETS ABOUT IT, WHAT HELL-NIGHTMARE IS THIS

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Spider-Man, 11/21/16

I am really enjoying JJJ’s world-weary expression in panel three here. It takes a lot of emotional energy pretending that it isn’t super obvious that Peter Parker and Spider-Man are the same person, you know? Like, Jonah may be a blowhard, but he’s not a moron. He just likes getting those Spider-Man pictures. The Spider-Man pictures sell papers, and he loves selling papers. The whole “SPIDER-MAN: THREAT OR MENACE?” pose was probably sincere, once, but now it’s a key part of his shtick, and he can’t give it up. It’s exhausting performing Comically Gruff Newsman all the time, guys. Exhausting. Just let him have a minute here.

Funky Winkerbean, 11/21/16

Hey guys, remember how our gang tracked down Starbuck Jones serial star Cliff Anger, and found out that, true to his name, he used to star in cliffhangers and also was angry all the time? Well, if you wanted some background on his perpetually steamed emotional state, good news: we’re about to get some fun anecdotes about how he’s super mad because his prison term derailed his movie career, or maybe about how he went to prison because of some act of violence driven by his uncontrollable temper. Either way, his new girlfriend seems drawn to his irrepressible bad boy nature.

Slylock Fox, 11/21/16

It’s really gotta disappoint Slylock to waste his time on human-on-human crime like this. This once-great species should be retraining and adapting to the new sentient beast-focused economy, not nonproductively stealing each other’s meager savings. Personally, I blame their culture: look at the media they consume, all full of violent power fantasies. Sad!

Marvin and Mother Goose and Grimm, 11/21/16

This Thanksgiving, let’s all give thanks for our wives. Wives, am I right? They’re, uh, bad? This seems … off message, but I guess it’s what we’re going with.

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Funky Winkerbean, 10/2/16

Funky Winkerbean has been mired in an extremely tiresome plot where Cindy is jealous because her hunky actor fiance Mason has to kiss a younger non-Cindy lady as part of his hunky acting career. I’m intrigued by today’s panel, though: since the young lady is question is playing the character Jupiter Moon, I suppose that means that in this comic book scenario, Cindy is “Queen Morphine?” Shoutout to Funky Winkerbean for besting Mary Worth and going right past mere opioids and straight into real opiates for its next depressing storyline, is what I’m saying.

Crock, 10/2/16

In the mid-20th century, there were two near coups against the French government that were launched by military leaders based in Algeria, so this strip isn’t that far from reality! I’m kind enjoying my new imagined alternate history in which Vermin P. Crock is installed by the forces armées françaises as the first president-for-life of the Sixth Republic.

Shoe and Mother Goose and Grimm, 10/2/16

The Perfesser is terrified that he’s going to be condemned to bird hell; meanwhile, Grimm has learned to his horror that in the afterlife dogs are not restored to their healthy form, and if they die rabid they writhe in awful, violent madness eternally. It’s a bad day in the comics for dead animals!