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Mary Worth, 9/30/19

Oh, good, now that Dawn’s romantic situation is more or less settled for the moment, we can move on and focus on Wilbur’s romantic situation, because, presumably, we’re all dead and in some very specifically tailored hell where we can’t stop reading about the sex lives of the various dopey members of the Weston clan. You’ll of course recall that Wilbur and the lovely, well-heeled but unlucky in love widow Estelle connected via dating app a few months ago. Naturally Wilbur reacted to this turn of good fortune by peacing out to Mozambique without figuring out the terms of their relationship. “It’s all good,” Wilbur thought as he got on that jet. “Obviously women can’t live without me, so creating this ambiguity will just send her into a Wilbur-love frenzy and she’ll be wrapped around my finger by the time I get back. Definitely my absence won’t lead to her getting involved with somebody else, sending me into an extremely hilarious emotional tailspin, which is exactly what happened in my last relationship.”

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 9/30/19

I have to admit to being utterly charmed by how gobsmacked Snuffy is by this development. “Checkers? Checkers that you can eat? And the eating creates a new incentive within the context of the game rules? This. Changes. Everything.”

Rex Morgan, M.D., 9/30/19

Oh, I’m sorry, do you think the plots in Rex Morgan, M.D., are “slow moving” and “dull”? Well, we’re going to physically immobilize our characters one by one, until you beg for the level of excitement we’ve been dishing out up to this point. You’ll beg, do you hear us?

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Family Circus, 9/22/19

I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I think the joke in today’s Family Circus is too subtle for me. Is it that they both look smug in the final panel because they each think they’ve pulled one over on the other — Ma Keane because she’s talked Jeffy down to a goldfish, Jeffy because the goldfish is what he wanted all along, but he “went big” with his requests so that she’d be more willing to get him a goldfish? I don’t think Jeffy’s actually smart enough to pull that off. I think Ma Keane is looking smug because she talked Jeffy down to getting a goldfish, and Jeffy looks smug because he realized he can eat the goldfish.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 9/22/19

Oh hey, in case you forgot, Buck, who’s having a new baby with Mindy, already has an old baby — what scientist call a “teen” — from his previous marriage (not to the lady who shot him in the head, the one before that). Anyway, here Buck is having a man-to-man talk with his teen son about how great it is that his teen son knows how to poop in a toilet. They seem like they have fun!

Shoe, 9/22/19

I really love how completely depressed this lady looks here, just utterly wrecked by how poorly the evening has gone up till this point. Clearly the date is unsalvageable, so why not open the dinner conversation with “Hey, you ever eat anything that just gave you the shits real bad?”

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Mary Worth, 9/13/19

So there hasn’t really been much by way of a “twist” in this Dawn Summer Romance plot, honestly, but maybe at least now we’re getting to what’s intended to be the point, which is that Dawn having her heart broken will hurt for only a little while, so maybe she should just be grateful that she didn’t suffer some kind of terrible injury that resulted in permanent facial scarring, you know what I mean? Dawn, you hearing this? This saintly young man is offering to help you! Pull yourself together, girl!!!!

Hagar the Horrible, 9/13/19

Ha ha, so, the running Hagar the Horrible bit about Lucky Eddie’s mermaid fetish has all been in good fun, but today’s strip is getting a little too close to “hey, let’s think in some biological detail about mermaids’ reproductive cycle and, by extension, their sex lives, and specifically the sex life shared by this mermaid and Lucky Eddie” and you know what? Nope. This is where I tap out.

Crock, 9/13/19

Hey, you guys know about … brands? Well get this, what if there were brands … but for weapons? [My aide whispers the entire history of the military-industrial complex into my ear] Wait, what

Rex Morgan, M.D., 9/13/19

“For that to happen, wouldn’t I have to have sex? Like, with Buck? No thanks.”