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Beetle Bailey, 7/28/18

There are so many unsettling aspects about the Halftrack’s marital life, and I’d say that one of the absolute worst is Mrs. Halftrack’s weirdly sublimated horniness. Today’s installment makes it seem like she’s doing vaguely sexy mommy play and then takes a turn to the sexy doggy play and, you know what, normally I don’t endorse the General’s obvious and untreated alcoholism but I’m here to say now: I get it.

Spider-Man, 7/28/18

I don’t pretend to know how exactly the Newspaper Spider-Man Universe maps onto other Marvel continuities, but it’s true that there are tons of other superheroes out there — Iron Man! Wolverine! Black Widow! So, while Peter’s antagonists might eventually realize he’s no ordinary reporter, I’m not sure they’re going to associate “not getting stabbed” as a spider-specific power.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 7/28/18

It’s pretty funny that Rex assumes Jordan will be catering his own wedding, but, when you think about it, Jordan is Avery’s driver and manservant, and therefore is part of the underclass. He can’t hire anyone to cook for him! He’s a guy who people hire to cook! It just doesn’t make sense!

Funky Winkerbean, 7/28/18

Does … does Mason think they give out Emmys for trite wordplay, or

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Dennis the Menace, 7/25/18

Not menacing: Whispering some dumb pun to your wife so Dennis can’t hear

Menacing: “Get shot in the back of the head and then we’ll talk, kid”

Pluggers, 7/25/18

Pluggers remember the days when red-blooded American men worked good-paying tin-mining jobs, before the globalist cabal used their secret government influence to favor their own aluminum conglomerates!!!!! (NOTE: I have not even bothered to do the minimum Wikipedia research to determine if the U.S. even has tin mines, please do not bother telling me)

Rex Morgan, M.D., 7/25/18

“Whoa whoa whoah. A good new restaurant? I don’t think anyone said anything about it being good.”

May Worth, 7/25/18

“No problem! Groceries are my thing!” –A man currently holding a bag full of groceries with a huge, obvious hole in the bottom of it

Hi and Lois, 7/25/18

OH NO, TRIXIE FIGURED OUT WHERE MEAT COMES FROM

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Hey, everybody! I’m back from my voyages and ready to entertain you with my comics-mocking antics, once again! Let’s give a huge hand to Uncle Lumpy for his usual fill-in amazingness — Carl the Turtle is an instantly iconic character who I will treasure in my heart forever. And let’s also give a huge hand to the kind souls who contributed to the Summer 2018 fundraiser. I promise personal thank-yous this week, as well as solicitation of addresses for possible totebag-sending! You’re all the real heroes!

Meanwhile, let’s dive into the glory and pageantry of the comics page, with…

Funky Winkerbean, 7/12/18

…Funky Winkerbean heading out to Comic-Con! This is a groundbreaking adventure for our characters, who have never before attended this pinnacle of pop culture and comics fand– [aide whispers in ear] Oh, huh, just last year, you say? Well, confidential to the Funky Winkerbean creative team: you don’t have to set a storyline at Comic-Con every year to write the costs of passes and travel off on your taxes. It’s literally your industry’s main trade show! The word “comic” is right there in the name! Anywhere, here’s hoping that, having foregone a paid tour guide, Les takes a wrong turn in the exotic, dangerous city of “San Diego” and ends up murdered in one of its seedy back alleys, like in an Old Navy or something.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 7/12/18

Meanwhile, Uncle Lumpy rightfully refused to keep you updated on Rex Morgan, M.D., which over the course of my absence stayed relentlessly focused on its insanely dull “middle-aged dude and his old dad drive around the country in an RV” plot. The strip could’ve at least broken up the monotony by cutting away to one of its other thrilling and unresolved storylines, like [checks notes] ah. Hmm. Anyway, If you thought “middle-aged dude and his old dad drive around the country in an RV” was boring, wait till you get a load of “middle-aged dude and his old dad drive around the country in a midsized SUV.”

Mark Trail, 7/12/18

“She gets totally obsessive about artifacts — almost as if she’s a dedicated researcher well versed in the latest techniques in our field and doing her best to help everyone understand the material culture of ancient societies! Me, I’m just in it for a quick buck. I know some real rich creeps who’d pay good money for Vampire Mister Potato Head here, especially if I spin ’em some story about how the temple I found it in seemed cursed or whatever. These pith helmets don’t pay for themselves!”