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Mary Worth, 5/26/06

The problem with this strip — well, let’s not call it a “problem” so much as a “totally awesome thing” — is that it sort of ignores sequential art’s usual left-to-right chronology. Thus, to the casual eye this exchange reads like this:

Kelly: …I started to spend less time with my husband!

Mary: That’s the spirit, Kelly!

Also, to the casual eye it looks like Kelly is psyching herself up to punch Lou in the face in panel two. That, also, is the spirit, as far as I’m concerned.

Spider-Man, 5/26/06

How many geeks now desperately hope to recreate this little scene, and its real-superhero-on-fake-superhero sexual aftermath, back at the hotel at the next big comics convention? So many noble dreams, just waiting to be shattered.

Ziggy, 5/26/06

At last, somebody has the guts to speak the truth to power. I just hope that when Tom II enters his 76th day of solitary confinement somewhere in Guantanamo Bay, the knowledge that he spoke up when nobody else would consoles him.

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Spider-Man, 5/10/06

Folks, if you’re tired from “Spider-Man is lame” posts from me, you should write angry letters to Stan Lee and demand that Spider-Man STOP BEING SO GODDAMN LAME. For those of you keeping track at home, the last time Spidey actually tangled with anything remotely resembling a supervillain was nearly a year ago, when he fought the Rhino. Since then, he battled a greedy but entirely human doctor out to patent his blood, which included a distasteful a sequence in which he briefly assumed the identity of “Gown Man”; and spent all of 2006 so far attempting to recapture his spider-suit (the relative suit of a spider!) from a suicidal loser, in the process taking on the sneer-worthy “Justice Guy” persona.

On Sunday, the strip’s teaser promised that at long last we’d be seeing a new nemesis for Spidey: the Panthress! Who of course is actually just a role played by Mary Jane’s sexy older costar. Presumably Spider-Man will have to battle her in some yawn-inducing manner that doesn’t involve web-slinging, wall-crawling, or kicking ass in any way, shape, or form. In fact, he’ll probably find some laughable reason to infiltrate the set under a new identity: Production Assistant Lad!

Jumble, 5/10/06

So the Jumble has strippers in it now? Huh. This is either a sign of “We’re desperate for readers and this is how low we’ll stoop” or “Nobody reads this anymore so we’re just going to put in zoo porn and see what happens.”

The presence of the grinning sailors — in full uniform — is a nice touch. I think it’s charming that the Navy keeps the old school white-bell-bottoms-and-black-cravat-and-little-hat get-ups in active service. I used to live in the San Francisco area, and during Fleet Week the whole town would be crawling with those guys, and they looked like they had walked right out of a World War II movie. It was the gayest thing I’ve ever seen, and I lived in San Francisco for nearly six years.

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Spider-Man, 4/21/06

Peter Parker’s crack about “real news” sparked an epiphany in my fevered brain. You know what would be awesome? Since clearly crime-fighting has gone out the window in this strip, Spidey should use his wall-crawling powers to become the world’s greatest paparazzo. He could kiss the Daily Bugle goodbye and make the big bucks sending photos of Paris Hilton, Tara Reid, Lindsay Lohan, and other typical celebutants to Us and InStyle and the like. Maybe he would journey to Namibia to see Brad and Angelina’s new baby, or tussle with Tom Cruise and Mel Gibson. “This Parker always gets the best pictures!” his glamorous new non-Hitler-lookalike editors would say (“though they’re always at such odd angles,” they would add). Peter would be earning as much as his wife, and then we’d have a whole story arc about the morality of his new way of earning a living. “They chose a career in the public eye … they’re asking for it!” Peter would say. “But Peter … I’ve chosen that life too!” Mary Jane would retort. Eventually, he’d be assigned to take pictures of his own wife, and they he’d have some hard choices to make.

You know what wouldn’t be awesome? Eight more weeks of Peter sitting in front of the TV and bitching. But I suspect that’s what we’re gonna get.