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Pardon My Planet, 5/22/24

As a hopeless Coke Zero addict, I of course respect any monument to those who fought and died in the name of delicious soda pop. But why is this monument out in the middle of the countryside, rather than gracing one of our great cities? At first, I was upset, but now I see that patriotic Americans are willing to hike great distances to see it in all its majesty, which makes it much more meaningful, I think.

Hi and Lois, 5/22/24

As no punchline His and Loises go, this one is pretty good! “It’s fun to rip” is a nice catchphrase for a baby — it is indeed fun to rip, for kids and adults alike. I also enjoy Chip telling his dad, who is almost certainly a Millennial, that he needs to “go digital” to keep up with the times.

Mary Worth, 5/22/24

Yeah, yeah, Wilbur is falling further and further into despair, but are you telling me that some plebeian Doordasher was allowed through Charterstone’s walled perimeter and is now wandering freely through the grounds and hallways without being accompanied by a resident at all times? Wilbur’s going to be hearing about this from Mary, just like he’s going to be hearing about the condo association bylaws’ surprisingly explicit rules about corpse disposal.

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Blondie, 5/21/24

The implication here is that Dagwood has been home for hours while letting his latest workplace blunder marinate in his mind, only having the nerve to bring it up at the last possible moment. “What now?” says Blondie, who probably assumed that she had finished up all her emotional labor duties for the evening.

Dustin, 5/21/24

You know my contempt for the writing and characters in Dustin is boundless, but generally speaking, I think the art is decent. Like, even seeing Dustin’s dad’s boss from behind, I think the final panel here nicely captures a facial expression that says “Wow, I forgot what an asshole this guy is, hopefully he gets this all out of his system before our clients show up.”

Mary Worth, 5/21/24

Oh no, we’ve reached the point in the Mary Worth Plot Cycle where it becomes clear that the outrageous and silly plot prediction I made a few days ago (“Ha ha, what if Wilbur eats that fish“) might come true in a much, much grimmer fashion (“Oh no, Wilbur put his dead fish next to the ‘Phish food’ and all his frozen dinners, what if, blinded by grief and alcohol, he eats that fish”). It’s a real burden being cursed with the gift of prophecy!

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 5/21/24

The implication here is that, despite the obviously impoverished circumstances of their household and community, young Jughaid and Tater have to yet experience a crisis in which scavenged local flora and fauna make their way into the Smif family skillet. We call that a Hootin’ Holler right of passage, kids, better get used to it!

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Mary Worth, 5/20/24

Yeah, sorry I didn’t talk about Wilbur making a beautiful flowered coffin for his dead fish Stellan Sunday, but I just sort of stared at it for a little bit and couldn’t process it properly, so I’m glad I have a chance to reassess today. Anyway, pretty fucked up, huh? Ha ha! My dad had a fish tank when I was a kid and over several years we got more and more fish and upgraded to bigger and bigger tanks. Obviously fish died over time but I don’t really remember us doing anything special for them; I assume we probably just flushed them or threw them out, and we had so many fish that even though you would get attached to individuals there were enough that losing one wasn’t a huge tragedy. Then one day we went to our usual fish store and there was a real crazy looking fish in there and we were like “What is this?” and the guy was like “Just got it in, honestly couldn’t tell you” and we bought it and over the next few weeks it ate all the other fish and then died. Not sure how my dad dealt with that, since the horror ended when I was at my mom’s, but I bet he didn’t give it a big funeral either, even though by that time it was definitely too big to flush. Anyway, tune in over the course of this week to see if I have any other vaguely topical anecdotes to help us all forget about the nightmare of what Wilbur is doing!

Curtis, 5/20/24

On Twitter, once, I saw a guy do an entirely earnest tweet thread about how Silicon Valley disrupted old-fashioned, conformist business uniforms like suits and ties for a more comfortable and unique aesthetic, illustrated by pictures of multiple fiftysomething dudes wearing identical chinos-and-fleece-vests. Anyway, I just want to note that the stuffy shirt and tie were a casual alternative to more formal codes of dress once, and in the Curtis-ruled future, a baseball hat tipped jauntily just so will be a requirement for entry into polite society, to be worn at all times.

Beetle Bailey, 5/20/24

Yeah, man, usually when someone gets arrested, they are in big trouble. That’s a good observation, Killer, thanks for keeping us informed.

Alice, 5/20/24

Alice, you were kidnapped by aliens last week! That seems like a pretty big deal or at least a conversation starter.

Tina’s Groove, 5/20/24

I’m a 49-year-old man and my entire life I’ve assumed that a “halfway house” is called that because it represents a way station halfway up the path between your troubled past and the better future that you’re working towards. Does it … does it not mean that. Is getting closer to one bad in this metaphor. Do you want to go all the way down to zero, so you have no house at all. I gotta go lie on the couch quietly for a while.