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The Phantom, 11/15/14

Oh my gosh, you guys, the Phantom! When we last saw our hero, he had been bitten by a snake while planting evidence on a guy; after pumping himself full of various antivenoms, he emerged from a painful ordeal physically healthy but with full-on amnesia (is this a thing? I don’t think this is a thing) and then wandered into the nearest Jungle Patrol camp. There my low opinions of this paramilitary organization were confirmed, because instead of trying to help him figure out his identity, the local commanders just put him in uniform and are having him do odd jobs around the compound.

But! Now this has set up the return of some beloved characters of yesteryear! You might recall that way back in 2008 a couple of Bangallan women, a lady cop and a waitress, decided to quit their boring day jobs and join the Jungle Patrol, despite its previously all-male makeup. (You can still buy the t-shirts based on their hilarious catchphrases!) They proved their worth by gunning some dude down in the dead of night, but retained their essential femininity in the sense that they had constant sexual fantasies about the Patrol’s “Unknown Commander” (who is, you guessed it, the Phantom himself). Later, the lady ex-cop half of this duo tried and failed to get a glimpse of this hunky he-hunk’s face while aiding and abetting some mild crimes against humanity.

Anyway! These two gals are still at it, if by “it” in you mean “serving in the Jungle Patrol” and “forming inappropriate sexual attractions to people that they don’t know are the Phantom!” Today they grace our amnesiac hero with a sexier new name, so they don’t feel like necrophiliacs when thinking hott thoughts about him.

Apartment 3-G, 11/15/14

Speaking of beloved characters of yesteryear, remember Sam, Margo’s wedding-planning assistant, who we last saw in 2007? I think he appeared in all of two strips, though that didn’t stop readers from rooting for them to get together (faithful reader Missy declared herself a “Sargo shipper”, a phrase that I have never forgotten). Anyway, looks like Sam’s going to emerge from whatever Bed-Stuy flophouse Margo banished him to seven years ago and save the day by planning her mother’s wedding for her. Will this finally be the act of heroism that wins her heart? Ha ha, of course not, you fools, Margo has no “heart” to “win.”

Funky Winkerbean, 11/15/14

This doesn’t involve any sort of flashback or anything, but it does nicely demonstrate that joy is so rare in the Funkyverse that people have no idea what it looks like when it’s happening. “Is he … is he having some kind of seizure?”

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And you can read ’em! Here’s #1:

“Momma doesn’t seem to mind fun-loving Francis bringing a gun into the house. Maybe that’s because it’s Thomas, the high-strung, responsible son, whom everyone expects to snap one day.” –BigTed

And here are the runners up!

“It’s so tempting to lean his head back, mouth open, and simply let the rain drown him. Anything — anything! — would be better than going home to the black abyss that is his marriage. But courage these days comes in the form of alcohol, which would involve him having to leave the tender embrace of the cold rain. The major, meanwhile, doesn’t know whether to pity the old man or himself because he looks at the general and sees his future. If he stands there much longer, he’s going to grab the fossil and shove his head in that puddle, if only to end the both their nightmares. Lighthearted fare for a Saturday.” –Diana Lynn Paladin on Facebook

“Yeah, I’m wearing this uniform to impersonate — I mean honor our nation’s veterans. Not to pick up gullible women and possibly wind up with a venereal disease like a soldier from the time period this uniform is from. Nothing odd about this whole situation at all.” –rbmalpha

“No, Heathcliff is NOT fucking Hello Kitty. He’s fucking a Hello Kitty plush doll! Which is way more disturbing.” –Missal

“‘Is it something very personal of which you’re ashamed?’ ‘Yeah, dressing up as General Black Jack Pershing two days before Veterans Day. Oh, and also, masturbating into your carton of Coffee Rich while I was in that uniform.'” –handsome Harry Backstayge, idol of a million other women

“Seeing Beetle Bailey’s big smug smile as Sarge mutters about his ‘sloppy service’ is the filthiest gay porn that’s ever been in comics.” –lorne

“This week’s guest artist in Mary Worth: M.C. Escher. Tune in tomorrow to see Wilbur eat a sandwich from both sides at the same time.” –Pozzo

“My nosal passages are all clogged up. It keeps the…oxyclean from getting to…my brain….muh…gggggg…zzzzzzzzzz” –pugfuggly

“Gotta love the hairy wrists on our chainsaw-wielding pal. As Sam proves in panel one, truly civilized men have perfectly smooth forearms, thank you very much.” –Joe Blevins

“Never mind the park job, I’m more freaked out by Mary’s bold-italic HELP EACH OTHER comment as she pantomimes cupping Sean’s balls.” –Voyage of the Oversnark

“The savage beating she gave him wasn’t enough to break Jeffy’s will, but the perfume torture would surely make him talk. They always talk.” –Bradley

“Haha, Mary’s driven Hanna once, and she’s already decided it’s time to marry her off. A new husband will drive Hanna, and Mary will have satisfied the two major goals of any meddle: a heteronormative marriage, and no changes to Mary’s lifestyle ever.” –Enlong

“Today’s Hi and Lois is a profound statement on American drinking culture and how it encourages college kids to pursue drinking as an end in itself with empty promises of happiness, instead of teaching children to pursue happiness first, find fulfillment in their friends and activities and how adding alcohol can be a simple optional addition to that healthier and ultimately more satisfying lifestyle. I think it’s — what’s that? They have a chronic alcoholic character named Thirsty that they bring out for ‘laughs’ and bad ‘isn’t the drunk funny’ jokes?” –Comrade Dread

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Hi and Lois, 11/14/14

This starts out looking like it’s going to be about a good kid resisting peer pressure, moves quickly through recognizing the false promises of advertising, then settles on some profoundly depressing existential ennui. “What’s the point of trying new things? Nothing ever really changes. We’ll just be sitting here on this couch, fundamentally, no matter what superficial things we try to add to our lives. Those fleeting, flickering images on the screen, the sense of excitement and novelty they convey — those aren’t real, or at least can’t ever be real for us. We’ll just be sitting here on this couch, forever.”

Momma, 11/14/14

It turns out that if you really want to keep Momma away from your door, you need to call in the most powerful practitioners of ancient magick that you can find.