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Herb and Jamaal, 6/14/14

I’m honestly curious about what the backstory is on today’s Herb and Jamaal, in which Herb has charged into Rev. Croom’s office to angrily challenge his entire belief system. Is this happening after yet another Sunday service that Herb’s family dragged him to, and something in the sermon finally pushed him over the edge until he couldn’t stay quiet anymore? Or was he just sitting at work, stewing over Croom’s unshakeable faith in the unprovable, until eventually he just barged into the Reverend’s office hours (do clergy have office hours? seems like a thing they’d have) demanding that he make room in his mental universe for doubt? At any rate, the final panel proves that Herb is helpless before the power of wordplay.

Apartment 3-G, 6/14/14

Jack’s been going on forever about dealing with some ghosts, and I guess I always assumed he was being metaphorical, but now I’m not so sure? If he comes riding back with the ghost of his dead wife captured in some kind of Ghostbusters-style spectral containment unit, I’ll be willing to forgive a lot about this storyline.

Funky Winkerbean, 6/14/14

Oh, sorry, the God of the Funkyverse isn’t actually trying to stop Wally and Rachel’s wedding, just drive it into Montoni’s, where by immutable law all economic and social activity in Westview must take place. They don’t call Montoni’s “The Wedding Chapel of Love” for nothing! Actually, nobody calls it that, but Funky refuses to stop trying to make it a thing.

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Your comment of the week in a moment, but first … if you are a Baltimore-area person and you have no plans tonight, you do have plans tonight, and those plans are seeing me perform my beloved character Gary The Emotionally Fragile Substitute Yoga Instructor at Linda and Polly’s Everybody All The Time, a delightful variety show! 8 pm tonight at the Windup Space at 12 W North Avenue, in Baltimore’s Station North! Don’t miss it, it will probably be Gary’s final Baltimore appearance ever!

Ahem! And now, your comment of the week:

“I’m starting to think Momma is some weird post-modern deconstruction of a Henny Youngman joke. ‘Take my wife, please!’ he says, and then we cut to his wife’s lonely and emotionally stunted backstory. So I can’t believe I’m saying this, but ‘that seems a little highbrow, Mell Lazarus.'” –Dan

And your runners up! Very funny!

“The ultimate insult to your legacy is having your tombstone engraved with Comic Sans.” –johnny lt

“I like that Momma’s bedside photo of her late husband seems to be a cropped mugshot following an arrest at a black tie event.” –pugfuggly

“I’m going to ignore for a second the ongoing manifesto statement of Judge Parker of ‘Awful, rich, asshole gets whatever he wants handed to him on a silver platter because … money! or something’ because the title of The Emeritus’ turrible no good book is The Chambers Affair which sounds like a sub Nora Roberts romance destined to be filmed as a made for TV film for Lifetime or Hallmark network. I can just see the character of Judge Parker played by Dean Cain looking for love in and out of the courtroom. The co-star will be Tori Spelling, a fiery defense attorney who will be filing a motion for romance. ‘Objection, your Honor! I love you!'” –Sloth

“Judge Parker has learned the greatest lesson of 21st Century life: there’s never a ‘wrong’ or ‘grossly inappropriate’ time to cross-promote. I think if Flaco were to toss him into a ravine, his last words might well be, ‘Be sure to like The Chambers Affair on Faaaaaaacebooooooooook!!!!'” –Joe Blevins

“I am guessing that this is how this particular story arc ends and in general represents the future of the strip. Danger or crime threatens and Spider-Man arrives late after everything has been taken care of. Next! Kraven saves a toddler at the city zoo from a wild gorilla on the loose — meanwhile while Spiderman searches for his costume — the one he just had cleaned.” –Joe Momma

“Ever seen a red school bus, Edward? Neither have I, Edward, but my imagination is running wild. I think I’ll paint this school bus red, Edward. So red. So very, very red. Edward” –Roto13

“This is Charterstone, not some backwater condo complex! The swimming pool has always been filled with Holy Water. Why do you think Wilbur is never seen in the pool? Also, free flowing LSD in the Charterstone water supply would explain a lot.” –Mikey

“Pluggers are also on a first name basis with the guy who says ‘hey, either buy something or get the fuck out.'” –Digger

“I worked as a nature counselor at a summer camp. In real life, if Mary had sonorously proclaimed ‘Even plants have something to teach us!,’ she might have elicited the chant ‘B-O-R! I-N-G! That’s the way we spell bor-RING bor-RING! UH-UH! Bor-RING!'” –Poteet

“‘I just needed some clerical advice!’ Jerry sobbed as he clutched the dozenth foreclosure notice he’d had no choice but to sign that week. Was this right? Was this … Christian? Would God forgive him, for turning children and mothers out into the street? Why didn’t the reverend ever answer his phone, when Jerry was going to such lengths to identify himself as a person, as himself, rather than just a faceless and heartless financial conglomerate?” –Dragon of Life

Luann: “The students can queue up in any order they want. Since a Pitt H.S. education is completely worthless, graduation consists of ‘There’s a stack of diplomas. Just grab one from off the top and write your name in the top line. No, you won’t be graded on the spelling.'” –seismic-2

“I am not a bully! I’m an art critic!” –BigTed

“Rex Morgan MD makes the controversial case for social promotion — after thirty years in the same grade a kid will start acting out.” –matt w

Spider-Man: “With eight tentacles, just imagine what a useful, productive citizen Doc Ock could be! Why, he could simultaneously: (1) rescue a kitten from a tree; (2) rock a colicky baby to sleep; (3) open the door for a woman carrying shopping bags; (4) guide a blind man across a busy intersection; (5) retrieve a child’s ball from a storm drain; (6) stop a runaway horse pulling a carriage full of tourists; (7) help a businessman gather up papers that spilled from his briefcase; and (8) tenderly pleasure a lonely widow.” –Perky Bird

“When a plugger retires, his clothes are rejected by charitable organizations because pluggers have terrible sartorial taste. Also, urine stains.” –Nekrotzar

“I don’t know which deity sent that lightning bolt, but I refuse to worship such a lousy shot. Reload and try again, big boy.” –Droopy Says

“The Gazebo had grown tired after long years in this hellscape. It had seen so much; life, death, fleeting happiness and long, bitter misery. Weddings, funerals. The rollicking noise of band concerts and the quiet whimper of stealthy murder. It was time to put an end to it. One final wedding, one final, futile attempt to see some true happiness, but it felt nothing but rage. The Gazebo willed forth the lightning from the sky; galvanic currents stirred long-dead wood. The Gazebo ripped one support from the hard grasp of the dirt. Nails screeched, boards groaned in protest. Yes, it thought as the humans began to flee, run away, run away from me, from this town, from your sad little lives.” –Voshkod

“And with that one, lone golf ball, everything started to change. Who could have guessed that a lone action like hitting a caveman in the nuts would have such a profound effect on the here and now? Sir Rodney didn’t even notice at first, the grass wilting at his feet, the groundsman slowly winking out of existence. But then his house, half the kingdom, the Wiz, all vanished in a heartbeat, their advances to science and medicine gone forever. ‘Have this man arrested for performance enhancing drugs!’ a plague rat yelled at him from atop a pile of corpses. Rodney just sighed. 17 more holes to go.” –Tophat

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Pluggers, 6/13/14

Boy, pluggers sure are getting in touch with their own inevitable and rapidly approaching death, aren’t they? I certainly hope that the first draft of this panel featured our dog-man hero holding up the suit in question and giving it a good, long stare; maybe there was a thought balloon in which he visualized this last good suit on his embalmed corpse, while well-wishers stood around, not looking at him, telling each other in hushed tones that it was better this way, that he was done suffering and in a better place. This panel was of course sent back to Pluggers HQ by the syndicate with “WAY TOO GRIM DUDE” scrawled across it, but I like to imagine it’s still hanging up over the drafting board, as a reminder.

Funky Winkerbean, 6/13/14

Oh hey Wally and Rachel got married this week, everybody! As you can see, the God of the Funkyverse cannot allow any happy occasion to emerge unscathed, so their outdoor wedding has been disrupted by a sudden freak thunderstorm. They tried their best to finish the ceremony, but as panel two reveals, their friends and loved ones gave up on the event a while ago.

Beetle Bailey, 6/13/14

Beetle’s primary and defining characteristics are that he’s extremely lazy and does a half-assed job at everything, so I refuse to believe that whatever desultory, fumbling, fully-clothed sex act just happened in that parked jeep merited any kind of souvenir.

Edge City, 6/13/14

There are plenty of off-putting running gags in Edge City, but obsessive neurotic Abby Ardin’s occasional attempts to get her husband interested in BDSM are among the off-puttingest.

Wizard of Id, 6/13/14

At last, it’s the Wizard of Id–B.C. crossover strip you’ve been waiting for! It’s a golf joke about getting hit in the nuts.