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Mary Worth, 4/29/14

Good news! After being somehow hypnotized by Mary into trying to take Wilbur back, Iris is accompanying Wilbur back to Jerry’s Sandwich Shop, and she promises that the date will not end in shouting and recriminations, this time. By the way, the “crime” Wilbur refers to is not the awkward end to their last Jerry’s encounter; it’s the vicious man-on-sandwich violence he perpetrates there, lunch and dinner, every day of the week.

Heathcliff, 4/29/14

In 1993, the Butthole Surfers came played a concert in my hometown of Buffalo, and the Buffalo News (hilariously, to me) refused to print their name, referring to them only as the “B------- Surfers” throughout their review. I realize this makes me sound like an old person, but it is interesting to see the evolution of what’s considered “kid-friendly” by the print media industry. Anyway, I find this panel’s depiction of a group of children cheering as Heathcliff spray-paints “POOP” on a wall completely believable, as little kids think the word “poop” is endlessly hilarious and are also probably too young to be properly terrified by a literate cat who walks on its back legs and can operate a spray can.

Dennis the Menace, 4/29/14

“No matter what your thoughts on the matter, our marriage is inevitable!” “I’m not sexually attracted to you!” Brrr, Dennis the Menace has reached Lockhorns level of emotional menace.

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Blondie, 4/28/14

Haha yes but … that’s a lamp, right? With a little antenna on it? The joke is that she’s pretending it’s a “conversation piece” art object but she really just went and bought a lamp with maybe a radio alarm clock in it? That’s the joke? Because otherwise the Blondie artist was faced with the challenge of drawing something truly strange, an baffling object sure to inspire conversation among everyone who catches a glimpse of it, and ended up drawing a combination desk lamp/clock radio. And that would be sad.

Pluggers, 4/28/14

I was willing to tolerate Pluggers using a vaguely suggestive phrase as a caption for a cartoon depicting wholesome gardening activities. However, today’s panel, in which the sexual ecstasy young people enjoy on the dance floor is cruelly contrasted with their bodies’ inevitable decay into an aged state where even walking is an agony, goes too far for my taste.

Apartment 3-G, 4/28/14

At last! The Margo we know and love is back! The Margo we know and love is a violent sociopath willing to resort to kidnapping or worse to impose her vision of correctness on her social circle and even her closest friends. Hope you were aware of that when you decided to know and love her! You’re in it for the long haul now.

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Crock, 4/27/14

Normally, of course a “ladies always bitch and moan about guys leaving the toilet seat up, amiright fellas?” punchline is the worst kind of hackery, but I’ll say this: as a follow-up to a panel where a man dreamily imagines a future where hyperintelligent machines will tell us when and where we are permitted to void our bladder and bowels, it came as a blessed relief.

Heathcliff, 4/27/14

As a befits an untouchable god-king, Heathcliff swiftly and brutally punishes any thoughtcrime that takes place within his realm.