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Mary Worth, 11/21/13

Mary Worth is being mugged in broad daylight in the middle of Central Park (THANKS A LOT DE BLASIO) and things probably aren’t going to end well … for the mugger. Mary starts off by shouting for help, to be polite, but by panel two her face suddenly bears a striking resemblance to movie tough guy Claude Akins, or perhaps to a majestic lowland gorilla; this transformation, combined with her outfit’s similarity to a karate gi, implies an imminent savage beatdown that our petty criminal won’t soon forget.

Momma, 11/21/13

If you ever need proof that Francis isn’t just a loathsome layabout, but a loathsome hipster layabout, look no further than his sports fandom. Following Ivy League football when you don’t actually attend an Ivy League school makes all those European soccer nerds who smugly tell you about how they illegally stream Bundesliga games online in the wee hours of the morning look like amateurs. And the Ivies are actually among the more normal pennants on display here! “Oh, your favorite team is Ohio State, huh?” he says. “Mine is NYU. They played their last collegiate football game in 1953. You’ve probably never heard of them.”

Family Circus, 11/21/13

This is also what Jeffy will someday tell the cops when they finally arrest him for that string of brutal stab-murders.

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Hagar the Horrible, 11/20/13

Isn’t this the way of the world? You try to rule your corner of 9th century Europe with grace and dignity, administer justice to the peasants, use the carefully stewarded wealth of your little dukedom or county to add a little splendor to your court — as much as anyone can expect in this fallen age — only to have a lifetime’s work destroyed in a day by vicious pagan raiders from the North. And then, to add insult to injury (and the injuries to your soldiers and servants, injuries dealt out by blood-soaked Norse swords, are quite literal), your son, your own flesh and blood, cares nothing for the meticulous day-to-day of rulership to which he’s the heir, but only dreams of adventure and travel and plunder and murder, and idolizes the unlettered savage who has burned everything you’ve ever loved.

Heathcliff, 11/20/13

Once upon a time Heathcliff had dreams, too, dreams of an empire of cake. We can only guess at what disappointments he’s suffered since, but we should perhaps be alarmed at the great lengths he’s going to this morning to announce his overwhelming ennui to the world.

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Archie, 11/19/13

I know this isn’t news to anyone who’s spent any time reading the adventures of the Riverdale gang, but Archie, the ostensible protagonist of the long-running Archie comics franchise, is kind of unbearable. Normally this is most obvious in the shabby way he treats the multiple young women who for reasons unknowable are in love with him, but his attitude towards his male pals is frankly not much better. Today’s strip is particularly poignant: Archie’s class-based anxieties are on full display as he attempts to worm his way into Veronica’s high society world, and he apparently thinks that loudly mocking his best friend’s poor-person habits is his key to gaining the one percent’s acceptance. Fortunately, Jughead once again proves that the most radical form of resistance to the economic elite is a complete lack of shame over the so-called “manners” they deem so important.

Wizard of Id, 11/19/13

I don’t know what’s more slapdash about this: that all three quotes are from J.R.R. Tolkien (who, for the record, is not the only author in history who has written about wizards), or that the strip freely admits to not bothering to figure out what the second quote even means.

Mark Trail and Mary Worth, 11/19/13

Meanwhile in Mark Trail and Mary Worth, true terror is in progress: old people are falling down! Say what you will about the soap opera strips, but they seem well aware of the main anxieties of their primary audience.