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Gil Thorp, 12/13/13

Ugh, guys, the football season Gil Thorp storyline ended up being so boring. Quick recap of how its various plot threads were “resolved”: it turned out that the big guy who never talks never talks because he was trapped in a car wreck with his dead parents for three days as a child, which is why he briefly freaked out when this happened; and Tip the gymnast/cheerleader, having been drafted onto the injury-decimated football team, scored the winning touchdown in the last game of the year by flipping over everyone’s head, gymnast-style. Milford didn’t even make the playdowns, obviously, but they did deny the conference championship to their hated rivals, so that’s worth something, right?

Anyway, basketball season doesn’t look like it’s going to be much better, given that Gil and Kaz are already handing out mental “good effort” awards to guys named things like “Don Stebbins.” I do appreciate Kaz’s attempt to liven things up a bit by dying his hair blue, to be more like the punk rockers he’s pretty sure the kids idolize.

Spider-Man, 12/13/13

Spider-sense: it may not protect you from debilitating blows from your adversaries to the back of your head, but if you’re interested in not lightly bumping into someone in the hallway at the office and getting hints about upcoming workplace personnel changes, it’s the superpower for you!

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Mark Trail, 12/12/13

So Jeff and Jared’s Sinister Artifact-Napping Plan is going something like this: they woke Mark up at gunpoint and Jeff took him off with the artifacts by canoe, with Jared left behind fake-tied-up claiming that Mark is the one doing the kidnapping! I have literally no idea why they think this will work out any better for them than just fleeing with the artifacts — wouldn’t the police have a bit more urgency in tracking down a kidnapping victim than they would in looking for some stolen property? — but I’m super glad things are playing out like this, because we finally get to see Cherry explode into the violent rage that we all knew was lurking just below her placid/heavily medicated surface.

Judge Parker, 12/12/13

Say, remember when Judge Parker Senior’s terrible airport-bookstore thriller got a bad review from a snooty academic, and he raged about it for days and days in a way that reaffirmed that he was thin-skinned and unpleasant, and then by crazy coincidence he and Katherine were seated with said snooty academic at dinner, and he lied about his name so he could glower at her in secret? Kind of the sort of behavior that might make you think, “This man is an awful person and not a strip protagonist that we want to see rewarded,” right? Well, screw you, loser. Judge Parker Senior has now revealed his identity to this lady and has publicly humiliated her and prompted her husband to do so as well! So all’s well that ends well, for assholes!

Heathcliff, 12/12/13

Soooo … is Heathcliff driving off to get more milk, or abandoning these non-milk-having chumps in a huff and finding a new family that knows the importance of keeping the refrigerator properly stocked? I’m guessing the latter, based on the don’t-give-a-damn vibe radiated by the cat and the car, which are both wearing sunglasses, in the middle of the night.

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Rex Morgan, M.D., 12/11/13

All the top etiquette experts agree: If you gave one of your dinner guests a handjob in high school, it’s best to bring it up as early in the evening as possible, to get any potential awkwardness out of the way.

Gasoline Alley, 12/11/13

Ha ha, look at Slim’s horrified thousand-mile stare! “I never thought any of the children would do … that … on my lap, and yet it keeps happening — again, and again and again…”

Marvin, 12/11/13

Marvin is just now realizing that he’s a literal demon from hell.

Mary Worth, 12/11/13

“I could take a black and white picture of all these black and white pictures! It’d be ‘self-referential’ or ‘metatextual’ or whatever bullshit the kids are saying these days.”

Momma, 12/11/13

I’m preeeeettty sure that Francis has knocked some girl up.

Heathcliff, 12/11/13

BUT HEATHCLIFF

BIRDS DON’T HAVE ANY MONEY

THE ONLY FLAW IN YOUR PERFECT PLAN