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Spider-Man, 6/30/13

Sadly, Crankshaft’s plane ride is now over, but, if today’s narration box is any indication, I think we’ve got a solid week or more of Peter Parker suffering various airplane-related indignities to look forward to! First up: airport security.

Family Circus, 6/30/13

Oh my goodness, that look on Ma Keane’s face is everything. “Is anyone looking? I could just … I could walk away, right now. Nobody would know. I’d be out of the county in an hour. Two states away by nightfall. I could eat this whole ice cream cone, take as long as I wanted. I could keep buying ice cream cones every time I got off the highway. They’d be mine. They’d all be mine.”

Panels from Rex Morgan, M.D., 6/30/13

“One minute she was standing before me, a living human being, and the next Sarah had turned her into a pile of unfeeling glop that she scooped up triumphantly in her little fists! It was the most terrifying thing I’d ever seen. Wait, can … can she hear us? Oh God don’t let her hear us“

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Mark Trail, 6/29/13

Once upon a time, my dad was driving through one of the more rural parts of Western New York when a deer jumped out in front of his jeep, and he ran into it and killed it; the sheriff came by and told him that because it was deer season, he was allowed to take home the carcass if he wanted to. He demurred on this, but it’s always made me wonder if you could just hunt deer by driving around near those deer crossing signs and then intentionally ramming them with your car. Anyway, Mark Trail has already made it clear that it considers “WHAM” a perfectly acceptable gunshot sound effect, but I’d still like to believe that what happened between panels one and two was Death by Truck.

Mary Worth, 6/29/13

Generally, one of the first things people say to me when they start reading my blog is “Wait, Mary Worth is still being published, how is that POSSIBLE, surely no newspaper is actually using part of its dwindling features budget to pay to syndicate it?” Well, here’s a little known fact: Mary Worth has for the last ten years or so been an “advertorial” product entirely funded by the Association of Condominium, Townhouse, and Homeowners Associations. Some days this is more obvious than others.

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Your comment of the week in a moment, but first — I must tell you (actually, I should have told you earlier) that I will be doing standup comedy in Baltimore, tonight! Gratuitous picture of me with a microphone:

I’ll be at the Yellow Sign theater (right across the street from the Charles in Station North), and am on a bill with a lot of other very funny local comics. Doors at 8, show at 8:30, tickets are $5, show should be done by 10, you should come if you’re in the area! Here are the details, and here is the Facebook event, if you like those. The venue is literally half a block from Penn Station, if you’re in the DC area but don’t feel like driving — but if you can’t be bothered, I’ll also be doing a show in Arlington on July 16. Details on that are also here, so mark your calendars today.

With that shameless self-promotion out of the way, here … is your comment of the week:

“People have said, ‘Sir!! That’s not the lavatory!!’ to Crankshaft so many times at this point that the words have lost all meaning.” –Doctor Handsome

And your runners up! Very funny!

“Look at the cracked plaster in Spidey’s hotel room. Business can’t be very good, possibly because guests keep toppling out of shin-high adult-male-sized open windows before paying their bills.” –Daniel

“I would think in a publisher’s trade journal they would be more interested in sales and marketing than whether the content is any good. Same as in a food industry journal they would tell you how revenue at Golden Corral is up 3% in Pluggerville since they started the Do You Know This Chicken? promotion.” –Mr. O’Malley

“I had really just assumed that Heathcliff had gathered up all the ham in the butcher shop and somehow shaped it into a weirdly-shaped hat with his cat paws. I mean, it’s not really a ‘joke’ so much as some very practical advice the butcher’s doling out here: ‘No seriously, all the ham is full of cat hair now. I don’t recommend it.'” –Revenge of Chesnut

“If only Peter knew someone whose job is to fight crime. Oh well, this brick isn’t gonna hit itself in the back of his head.” –Dan

“Why is it so hard for people to grasp: I read it because I hate it. It’s not like I don’t care about it or something. I’ve got Dilbert for that.” –Uncle Lumpy

“While Beth is worshipping at the shrine of the One and Holy Mary, the jerk-off gesture she’s doing speaks to a certain lack of sincerity.” –Artist formerly known as Ben

“Personally, I tend to think that knowing that the chickens they’ve killed and eaten are more ensouled than they are will amuse and empower the Hootin’ Holler folk more than anything else. ‘Ha!’ Weezy says. ‘I am the Fate who cuts short the thread of these chickens’ lives with my dull, dull blade!’ (Or that’s approximately what she’s thinking; what she actually says out loud is something like ‘Don’t that beat all.’)” –Lily Sincere

“SPAKE HIZZONER: HERSHEY’S A GONER” –Walker of Dog

“I want to pick up a copy of that Book Day to read more about what I hope is Poppin’ Fresh’s autobiography.” –sporknpork

“By cracky, it’s codgerin’ time!” –Dood

“This bad review could cost me upwards of $26 in royalties! Do you know how much that adds up to compounded annually over the life of an amortized investment? I do, because I’m rich!” –Esther Blodgett

“WUD should be WWUD, the acronym for What Would U Do? Apparently this guy’s answer is ‘instantly resort to extreme violence.'” –hogenmogen

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