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B.C., 4/12/13

Poetry is in essence an auditory medium, meant to be heard, and if that means that sometimes you have to sacrifice ease of comprehension to euphony, so be it! In unrelated news, the poem that Wiley is writing in today’s B.C. is confusing and also sounds stupid when you read it aloud. Anyway, ladies, don’t look get all uppity and dress too sexy at the gym, or you’re a whore who’ll lose your boyfriend, I guess? You don’t want to lose your boyfriend! He sounds like a real prize, what with all his opinions about your sexy gymwear.

Shoe, 4/12/13

See, because “carbon footprint” is a thing, but what if it were … carbon buttprint, eh? Wouldn’t that be funnier? Because of butts? I actually am enjoying Shoe’s violent temper tantrum, so it pains me to point out that any joke about “carbon buttprints” that doesn’t involve farts is garbage.

Spider-Man, 4/12/13

Kingpin is a busy CEO who doesn’t have time to travel to every dark alley in the city to personally taunt every superhero dosed with his terrifying mind-control gas. That’s why he turned to Cisco’s range of innovative telepresence solutions! Cisco’s Autonomous Hovering TerrorScreen® will navigate city streets along with your henchmen, beaming video and audio over encrypted private networks to your office/lair. You’ll be able to issue commands to your new willing slave and then get back to managing the rest of your diverse enterprise — all without stepping outside. Cisco: Tomorrow Starts Here™!

Funky Winkerbean, 4/12/13

Ha ha, Les got a big check because his sad book about his dead wife is going to be turned into a movie on basic cable, and then he got a boner! This plot is already so much more traumatizing than I could have possibly imagined.

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Funky Winkerbean, 4/11/13

So Lisa’s Story has been picked up for direct-to-TV movie fame for big bucks, and I have to admit that I’m of two minds about this. On the one hand, I find the unrelenting grimness of the Funkyverse fairly awful, so I suppose I should be glad that some good has actually befallen the characters. On the other hand, Les is smug and intolerable and now I actively enjoy seeing him tortured. So I’m now rooting for this story to end in crushed dreams as Funky Winkerbean plots inevitably do. Sorry, Cayla, you seem nice but then again you married Les so you clearly have problems. I don’t care if the bad thing that happens is Les being forced to rewrite Lisa’s Story in a way that betrays the memory of his beloved dead wife, or if he gets swindled by his agent and loses all his money, or if he and his whole family are killed by a runaway police horse at the movie’s gala premiere; I just want suffering.

Herb and Jamaal, 4/11/13

All right, we know that Herb and his mother in law have a troubled relationship, but I’m very disturbed that she sits silently in the corner of his dentist’s office while he’s undergoing oral surgery, watching, remembering. “You don’t see me, Herb,” she thinks, “But I see you. I see you.”

Mark Trail, 4/11/13

Mark sure is looking awfully confident in panel three about his plan to get his outdoorsy, cabin-dwelling wife and Shelley Thompson, about whom he knows nothing except that she’s rich and doesn’t care for the outdoors, to make friends with each other! “I’ll bet Shelly has the same parts that Cherry has that are different from my parts! I’m sure they will have a lot to talk about!”

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Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 4/10/13

A new character came to Hootin’ Holler a while back; I can’t remember how long ago now — months? years? Most residents of the Holler are a mite suspicious of calendars anyhow, tied as they are to the Revenooers tax-collection cycle. But anyway, this kid! His name is Arlo! He’s Jughead’s … cousin, I think? And he’s a damn goody goody. Yesterday he was caught enjoying book-learnin’; today he’s teaching Jughead to enjoy the process of economically productive manual labor. And he wears a tie! Could he be a Revenooer himself? My prediction: either he’ll artfully convince Hootin’ Holler to once again become a productive economic unit, or he’ll be chased out of the community at the business end of a shotgun by the end of the month.

Mark Trail, 4/10/13

Oh boy oh boy Mark Trail! It turns out that Sexy Wes is in fact a major investor in Woods and Wildlife Magazine! And since WWM’s last big advertiser, the pro bass tournament circuit, has pulled out all its money now that Marks has exposed their corruption, that leaves our journalists no choice but to dance to their paymaster’s tune. Which I guess will involve Mark flying to Wes and Shelly’s fussily decorated mansion and personally explaining to her how awesome it is to appreciate the outdoors. (Watch the sparks fly when Mark finds out what sick sex thing “appreciate the outdoors” is code for.)

Rex Morgan, M.D., 4/10/13

Haha, so not only did Milton’s cardiologist not tell Milton he was inevitably going to die, he didn’t even bother doing any actual medical-style tests on the patient before filling his head with terror. Still, his negligence works out to Nurse Becka’s benefit. Just in time for the show, she seems to be thinking in panel three, the sexy naked silver-haired millionaire show.