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Mary Worth, 6/8/12

I was about to make fun of the very concept of offering to find some random busybody to fill in for you on your job while you jet off to Italy for two months, but then I realized I’ve actually been on both ends of this scenario — I’ve covered for someone on vacation, and I’ve conned one of my friends into doing the same for me. But that was for weeks, not months, and the work involved was your typical mid-’00s freelance web dronery, not a crucial task like writing the “Ask Wendy” advice column for Santa Royale’s top newspaper. This seems like a much more shocking abdication of responsibility.

Anyway, Wilbur is so excited about the idea of Mary filling in for him as Ask Wendy that he’s forgetting the #1 rule of finding a temporary replacement for yourself, which is that you don’t want them to be so good that they become a permanent replacement. Mary is of course an advanced advice-giving practitioner, and while I don’t know exactly what Wilbur’s advising skills are like, I’ve seen how he lives his life, and I’m frankly pretty unimpressed.

Apartment 3-G, 6/8/12

“Something has changed. I feel different. Oh, hey, looks like I had my baby while I was asleep! Whaddyaknow, I was all freaked out that it was going to kill me and it turns out it didn’t even wake me up. If only Scott were here to see it. Oh, why did I push him away?! Oh, right, because of the whole thing where he was macking on some other chick. That’s actually a pretty good reason. Welp, guess I’ll go get breakfast. Do babies eat breakfast? Enh, I’ll figure that out later.”

Marmaduke, 6/8/12

OH NO MARMADUKE HAS LEARNED TO HARNESS THE MIGHTY POWER OF THE SUN

NONE OF US IS SAFE

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Judge Parker, 6/7/12

Man, even the hoariest of soaps still retain their ability to surprise once in a while! I mean, yes, we all could have predicted that Sam and Avery would be driving out to their impromptu rich guy fishing vacation in the most vulgar and stupid vehicle imaginable. But would anyone have guessed from the squicky interactions between Avery and Peaches that the nubile Gal Friday who’s forced to wear some kind of retro micro-mini-skirted form-fitting stewardess uniform is actually her boss’s daughter? Fun question for contemplation: would it actually be less gross if Avery weren’t Peaches actual father, with “Dad” just being some kind of icky lover’s nickname?

Archie, 6/7/12

I was going to mock the typical “Prices were lower in the past, due to the well-understood economic reality of inflation” oldsterism on display here, but then I decided that if Archie’s dad is so determinedly nostalgic that he insists on going grocery shopping in that hat, I guess I’ll let him have his fun.

Dennis the Menace, 6/7/12

Merging your ostensibly monotheistic theology with belief in various minor folk deities? Belief that Almighty God keeps track of the exchange of grubby human money like some kind of omnipotent accountant? Enh, menacing enough to pass, I guess.

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Hi and Lois, 6/6/12

There’s really something quite poignant about today’s Hi and Lois. I mean, don’t we all to various degrees believe that, if only we achieve a goal that’s within sight, everything in our lives will get better? If only I got that raise, I wouldn’t be in debt all the time (never mind that your spending tends to expand to match your salary). If only I would fall in love with someone, I wouldn’t be so unhappy (never mind that long-term relationships take work and aren’t just a “happily ever after” fairy-tale ending). If only I weren’t an infant, if only my neuromuscular systems were coordinated enough to allow walking, why, I would be like an all-powerful god! Nothing would be denied me! Never mind that once you know how to walk, you’re expected to walk, with your parents refusing to just carry you all over. Plus Australia is thousands of miles away and surrounded by water. Basically, walking’s for suckers, kid, enjoy infancy while it lasts.

Hagar the Horrible, 6/6/12

Here’s a fun fact: Despite the fact that the Huns ruled a huge empire that dominated central Europe for decades, the Hunnic language was never recorded; the illiterate Huns used Romans as secretaries, who corresponded with other states in Latin and Greek. All we have of Hunnic are personal names and three nouns — not enough to even firmly place what language family it belonged to, let alone translate complex concepts like “surrendering.” Another fun fact: the Huns themselves were a relatively elite group within a multi-ethnic state; in battle, the Huns would have ridden on horseback, as that was the skill that allowed them such military success, and any foot soldiers like the ones depicted here would probably have come from subject peoples, like the Goths or Slavs. Yet another fun fact: the Hunnic empire broke up hundreds and hundreds of years before the advent of the Viking age. Today’s Hagar the Horrible is less historically accurate than I would have liked, is what I’m getting at.

Beetle Bailey, 6/6/12

Apparently General Halftrack’s decades of senility and incompetence have just been a front, covering up his now successful plan to seize control of the U.S. in a bloody coup and rule as military dictator.