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Hey guys! Just a reminder that my East Coast book tour is happening in less than a month! Oh boy oh boy. And now three of the four events have Facebook Event pages, where you can sign up and be constantly reminded that this extremely important get-together is looming, on social media!

• April 26, 7 pm, at Upshur Books in Washington, DC!
• April 28, 7 pm, at Atomic Books in Baltimore! I’m sharing this bill with Ariel S. Winter, who’ll be reading from his book Barren Cove. (I mistyped this as the 29th when I first put the post up but the 28th is the correct date.)
• May 5, 7 pm, at Talking Leaves Books in Buffalo!

And don’t forget, on May 2 I’ll be reading at the City Reliquary museum in Brooklyn, NY. Look for a Facebook event for that, coming soon!

If you haven’t bought my novel yet and are planning on attending one of these events, I would ask that you hold out and buy it there, because that helps out the bookstores who have been nice enough to host me. (If you haven’t bought my novel yet and won’t be able to make it to any of these events, well, you know what to do.)

OK, with that self-promotion out of the way, here’s your comment of the week!

“I’ll use my old-school reporting skills to track down the old movie actor! I’ll just take out my notebook and pen and start interviewing leads! Guess I’ll start with the pizza waitress. HEY LADY! HAVE YOU SEEN CLIFF ANGER?” –Ukulele Ike

And your very funny runners up!

“Hear that kids? If you’re feeling lonely, just go make more friends! And if you’re feeling hungry, get something to eat! And if you feel like you’re being patronized, well that’s probably because you’re a bad person.” –pugfuggly

“An elderly woman explains modern-day friendship to a 22 year old: perhaps the ultimate Worthsplaining moment.” –bourbonbabe, unbuckled

“Imagine if Tracy and his detective buddies took this as an opportunity to go home. ‘Yep, Specs and Spicy clearly didn’t live through an explosion like that. And even if they did, sounds like they’re DJ’s problem now. Who’s up for Cuban sandwiches before we blow this joint? Get it? Blow, as in an explosion? Haha, everyone in that building is dead.'” –Bryan J. Simmons, on Facebook

“I think Mr Chubb’s comical stagy bandages might be a result of him having escaped from a far more cartoony strip, as evidenced by the shape and size of his head. ‘When that monster RV sideswiped me, I thought for sure that all that would happen was my car would flatten, then spring back into shape with a popping sound!'” –Horace Broon

“I guess it’s SORT of reassuring these days to have a giant explosion at a crowded recreational site that ISN’T caused by terrorists. ‘Nope, there was no religio-politco reason this time for all you people to have your friends and family killed or horribly crippled; just a side effect of the usual greedheads-out-for-money trope. So sleep tight and be thankful, Cuba!'” –Shrug

“And then … I had this incredibly amazing thought … what if I started talking … with dramatic pauses everywhere … in order to drag out my speech … over several days … of … strips…” –Schroduck

“Ooooooh hiking! I thought you said Thai king club, where you get together once a week to pay tribute to his majesty Bhumibol Adulyadej! The new, bolder Dawn is a royalist, so la kxn, anti-monarchical PAD scum!” –Alex Blaze

“Who wants to ask me how long I’ve had my new watch? Nobody? No takers? Not even one? Is there even anyone else here? Hello? Where am I? What even is this place? Am I dead? Is this what Heaven is?” –Joe Blevins

“The eyes are close to X’s, which indicates the wrestlee is dead? Moose killed him & is toying with him like a cat with a dead mouse.” –Chip Gorman, on Twitter

“I’m Harlan Jones but you can just call me ART HISTORY because that’s what I wrote on the board instead of my name. I’m a sub so I don’t expect any of you to learn my name anyway. At my last job they called me DOESN’T KNOW SHIT ABOUT LATIN.” –Spunky The Wonder Squid

“I see Prof. Phipps as an Indiana Jones-type character, pursuing art history issues across the globe while his poor students suffer under a series of under-qualified substitutes. ‘It belongs in a museum!’ ‘Oh, I agree, Professor Phipps, which is why we’re taking it to the Hermitage.’ ‘Ah, very nice. You’ll hang it with the other 18th century masters, I assume?’ ‘Of course.’ ‘Ha! That’s clearly a 17th century master, Belloq!’ ‘Curses!'” –Voshkod

“The point where colon cancer is mentioned is where a sympathetic protagonist might stop smirking, but that’s not the Driver Way.” –Artist formerly known as Ben

“How did Sam get transported into a Dave Berg ‘Lighter Side of Torts and Personal Injuries’ feature?” –Dood

“So wait, is that larger dog the fire hydrant’s … pimp? Is that what’s going on here? Even for Marvin, this is a whole new level of depravity.” –Brad

“Hey, word to the wise, pal: you’re in prison for parole violation, i.e., you’ve been there before. Don’t try to fool us into thinking you weren’t struggling for a ‘witty’ rejoinder the first time you were locked up. ‘Here’s your squalid cell, you putrid piece of reptilian shit.’ ‘Does it … come with a shovel?'” –Irrischano

“Magnus is living every standup comedian’s worst nightmare. ‘Uh oh, nobody laughed! Better add my own laughter! Better tell another bad joke without pausing! Oh no, I’m bombing! Also, I’m in prison!'” –Steve S

“Internal Document, King Features Syndicate
Funkyverse Strategic Plan, 2016
MARCH: Repeatedly call attention to the fact that Funky Winkerbean takes place ten years in the future.
APRIL: Characters do not know what the internet is.
MAY-DECEMBER: Cancer.” –Dan

Thanks to everyone who put some scratch in my tip jar! And let’s give thanks to our advertisers:

• Bluebeards Original is proud to join The Comics Curmudgeon as an advertiser! Company owner Paul Kaniewski is a longtime follower of this site, to the point that it inspired him to created the famed Aldo Kelrast MySpace profile. Bluebeards has been making top-rated beard care products for ten years now, so any bearded folks or those that love them, please check out the site and try their stuff.
• Oh, yes, and my novel is something you should buy, in hardback, paperback, or ebook form! It’s called The Enthusiast, and it’s about trains, comics, stealth marketing, capitalism, and joy

If you’d like to buy advertising on the site, you can do so on a CPM basis through BuySellAds. To find out more, you can go to my BuySellAds page or just click here.

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Hello all! Just a brief note that if you will be in the Baltimore area in November you will have not one but two opportunities to see me do standup comedy! Here are the details (links to Facebook events, you should be able to see the info at least even if you are not a Facebook user):

• On Monday, November 4 (that’s this coming Monday!) I’ll be doing in a group show that’s part of the Charm City Fringe Fest. It’s a group of very funny Baltimore comedians organized and hosted by the great Stavros Halkias. The show is free, and is a great excuse to drink booze and eat the best pizza in Baltimore (no lie) on a Monday. Doors at 8:30, show starts around 9.
• On Saturday, November 16, I’ll be in a show organized by the great Michele Wojo at Sully’s Comedy Cellar in Parkville. There’ll be both improv and standup for your amusement! Tickets are $15 and you can reserve yours online. Show’s at 8:30. This is a clean show, so feel free to bring anyone who hates swear words. (The November 4 show will literally consist of nothing but jokes about genitalia.)

And now, your comment of the week!

“A year is about how long it will take for the Dawn-Wants-To-Express-Herself and Tommie-Tries-Not-To-Be-Boring twerking storylines to appear in Mary Worth and Apartment 3G — two years for Jack Elrod to figure out a wilderness/environmental angle on the subject — three years for the word ‘TWERK’ to inexplicably appear on someone’s t-shirt in a ’90s Archie. (Anyone who remembers the Frank McLaughlin era will recall that Gil Thorp was once nothing but twerking.)” –David Lynch’s Pompadour

And your runners up! Very funny!

“I’m sure Heathcliff used to make some kind of intuitive sense.” –C. Sandy Cyst

“My favorite aspect of this strip is the shrunken, boxy-looking extra who hobbles through the scene in the last panel in order to remind us what ‘regular people’ actually look like. ‘Don’t mind me, girlies. I’m just trying to get back to my table before my brisket gets cold. These cruises … so expensive, am I right? You go on with your little scene. Now where has Harold gone? Harold, that’s my husband, you see. He’s wandered off somewhere. HAROLD! Oh, I’m sorry, missy. I didn’t see you were on the phone there.'” –Joe Blevins

“Mark is awfully nonchalant about the fact that his little scam has misfired and resulted in the death of one of its targets. Especially since he still doesn’t know what nefarious secret they were trying to hide. Maybe Johnny and the Senator are lovers? Maybe they were working a long con, trying to actually save the wilderness by going undercover? Eh, he’s dead now, so I guess it doesn’t matter. Now how about some pancakes!? Speaking of pancakes, you should see how flat those corpses at the bottom of the mountain are!” –Calvin’s Cardboard Box

“Hmm, one student riddled with anxiety having a nervous breakdown, another student content to have bubble gum slopping up his face. I think its time we re-examined the No Child Left Behind Act and possibly amend it to the Okay, Lets Be Realistic Act.” –Chareth Cutestory

“To be fair, illiterate pluggers are unaware that this is not actually how you read books.” –Guillaume de Machaut

“Using the flower petals for scale, I’d guess that bee is about four inches long. Sting Jeffy, mutant Terror Bee! He’s right there!” –Duke of Earl Grey

“A sign that just says ‘Halloween’ and not ‘Happy Halloween’ is probably a big seller in the Funkyverse.” –nescio

“‘How does a father tell his daughter that the man she loves is no good?’ ‘Oh, Dad, all I have to do is look at your voting record … oh, did you mean Johnny?'” –Christopher

“This must be set before Martha Stewart got all crafty, or else once she got out of stir. Albert Brooks is really in for it this time.” –Little Blue Bicycle

“I do believe ‘Oh, Great!’ is the accepted universal response to hearing that Rex Morgan and his wife are coming to dinner.” –Digger

“No-one realizes that Apple Mary is still running the streets (how else does she afford Charterstone and all her victory tours?) Now, she’s known as ‘the Artful Codger.'” –Maltmasher

“The Adventures of Inkwell Trying To Figure Out If Toni’s Brother is Supposed To Be Unsympathetic Or Not continue! They’ve been dull.” –Inkwell

“Meanwhile, back in Riverdale, for the crime of proclaiming himself #1 and placing himself over our Dear Leader, Moose is led away by the secret police.” –Voshkod

Thanks to everyone who put some scratch in my tip jar! And as always, we must give thanks to our advertiser, who has sponsored the mobile version of the site this week:

• Help teens with depression: Think it’s right for teenagers to feel like the Lockhorns every day? This is a reality. Help end it by supporting A Bold Choice Theatre Company’s IndieGoGo fundraiser! Let’s get teenagers with depression the help they need!

To find out more about how you could be thanked in this spot, and more about sponsoring this site’s mobile version or RSS feed, click here.

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Archie, 7/31/13

One of my favorite Idle Comics-Reading Pastimes involves trying to figure out the original publication date of any given stretch of Archie newspaper comics reruns. The use of Beanie Babies as a cultural touchstone places this one pretty firmly in the mid 1990s. Along the way, the strip also reveals the shortcomings of the Archie Joke-Generating Laugh Unit 3000’s linear humor-logic. Presumably its legal module made sure that it used the generic “bean bags” instead of the registered trademark “Beanie Babies,” a formulation that I’m pretty sure no actual human ever uttered. This leads into a distasteful punchline about Jughead making sweet love to whatever soft, cushy surface is most capable of enabling his extreme laziness.

Hi and Lois, 7/31/13

The bedroom eyes Hi and Lois are making at each other here imply that this “dressing up” banter isn’t so much about “weren’t things better in the ’50s, when women’s autonomy was strictly limited” so much as it’s about “I’d sure find it sexually arousing if I came home to find you dressed sexily, for sex.” It’s a weird conversation to have right in front of the kids at the kitchen table, but it’s also weird to have the kitchen table three feet away from the front door of your house, so who am I to question how they do things in this family.

Herb and Jamaal, 7/31/13

Ha ha, but wouldn’t it be funny if the depictions of U.S. statesmen on our currency were sentient beings? “Oh, God, I’ve been smothered in there for an eternity! At last, I can breathe again! Wait … what … are you feeding me into some infernal machine? NO PLEASE I BEG OF YOU NOOMMMphhh”