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Sally Forth, 5/21/05

Poor, poor Ted. I have to admit that I’ve enjoyed watching his befuddlement this week as his romantic European getaway has been transformed into a hellish family trek through the abomination that is Euro Disney (“all the culture and fun of Disney World, but full of Dutch and German tourists!”) through a process that he cannot control and only dimly understands. Sally’s cutting, emasculating comment in panel three is just the coup de grâce as his hopes and dreams are gutted. Have fun, Ted!

Since we’re picking on Sally’s hubby, I offer him a bit of travelling advice: Ted, lose the polo shirt before you travel overseas. You might as well just have a sign that says “I am an American, please harass/spit on/pickpocket me.” Take a cue from your wife: her all-black ensemble will help her blend right in.

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Jumble, 5/20/05

How lame was today’s comics section? So lame that the first thing that caught my eye was in the first clue in the Jumble. I mean … there’s a cartoon in it, right? And it’s on the comics page, right? So it must be fair game for this blog. Anyway, I never do the Jumble, but it’s pretty obvious to me that the answer to the first clue is “kinky.” Kinky! Right there in the funny pages! My God, the children!

Anyway, in searching for an online graphic version of the Jumble that would save me from having to scan the thing, I discovered to my mingled wonder and horror that you can play a Macromedia Shockwave-version of the game online! No, really:

http://www.jumble.com/play.html

I swear, I don’t mean to sound like an ad for the damn thing — I certainly couldn’t be bothered to actually play, but I’m fascinated that this online version exists. Here is one of the most traditional, snooze-inducing, for-old-people-only comic features available, and it’s making use of cutting-edge (well, OK, 2003-era, but still) Internet technology to establish its Web presence. I mean, what’s next? Flash-based interactive Gil Thorp? Mary Worth virtual reality goggles? An upload jack that goes into the back of your skull and makes you believe that you are Hagar the Horrible? The mind boggles.

Also on the same pages: genuine, authorized Gil Thorp paraphernalia, including a “Property of Milford High Athletic Dept.” shirt. Just in case you were wondering what to get me for Christmas.

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Mary Worth, 5/19/05

Mark Trail, 5/19/05

It’s like they’re trying to taunt me. I mean, these two strips routinely move at the speed of a glacier; but somehow, in what seems like it should be a contradiction of all known laws of time and space, in the past few weeks or so they’ve become even slower. Seemingly every twist in this Mark Trail plot that might result in some drama gets nipped in the bud; meanwhile, Mary and Jeff are out at sea, cut off from all external stimuli, with the rest of the world fading out into the background: it’s like Waiting for Godot, except instead of the two of them engaging in absurdist philosophical banter, Mary is just reeling off platitude after platitude while Jeff looks like he’d rather be anywhere else, possible with a gun at his temple.

So, because the comics are being recalcitrant today, I offer a few funny sentences that I’ve thought up here and there and have been trying to figure out how to wedge into a blog post. I hope you enjoy them in this noncontextualized form.

• It’s not like it’s the most the subtle movie in the world, you know? I mean, I was only seven, but still, I was thinking, “Mom, the guy dressed in black leather and the mask that looks like a skull who keeps strangling people with his mind? Not a good guy.”
• It’s the sort of place that looks like it would sell CDs with names like This Is How We Do It, Volume 6: Best of Flemish 160 BPM DJs, 1997-1999.
• So we’ve seen Margo with her hair up, and with her hair down, but you notice we never see her putting it up? That’s because it would take about an hour, which would translate to about seven dozen strips, not counting hairpins.