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Mary Worth, 10/16/04

Tommy’s gonna be lucky to still be alive by the time campus security arrives on the scene. This angry mob is going to tear him to bits, or at least seriously rumple his Members Only jacket.

I’ve been wrong before, but our “stuff” fiend’s comeuppance looks to be the climax of this ludicrous storyline. As Tommy gets hauled off to the hoosgow, it’s worth recalling that, like the recent Mark Trail sequence, this Mary Worth plot began with romance but ended in violence. Not even the soap opera strips offer a respite from the turmoil that troubles us today.

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Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 10/15/04

Many times, I’m sure, you’ve read Barney Google and Snuffy Smith and said, “Jus’ whar in tarnation do these folks live, anyhow?” Well, today’s installment answers that question.

The various names of a long sandwich on Italian bread (sub, hero, grinder, hoagie, what have you) have long been the example used when discussing dialectical variations in American English, but I’d argue that the nationwide advent of Subway has killed off most of the variants. In my mind, the most prominent remaining geographical tip-off terms are those used for soft drinks: do you say “pop”, “soda”, or “coke”?

Now, I grew up in Buffalo, New York, which is pop country. I remember going to Los Angeles when I was a kid and asking for a pop at a restaurant, which utterly baffled our waiter. I went to college in soda-land, with a lot of kids from New York City, and had the pop beaten out of me by relentless verbal abuse, but I still get excited when I see it used in print. Even if, you know, it’s being used by toothless, semiliterate hillbillies.

Anyway, the first thing I did when I saw this comic was to go to the alarmingly well researched county-by-county map at popvssoda.com. As you can see, the only traditionally hillbilly-populated areas that fall into the pop zone lie in a relatively restricted corner at the north end of the Appalachians: West Virginia, western Virginia, eastern Kentucky, and western Pennsylvania (affectionately known by its inhabitants as “Pennsyltucky”). So there you have it, America: we’ve used linguistic science to narrow down the true location of Hootin’ Holler, which we can now thankfully avoid.

I like the fact that printed matter in Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, like the sign in the first panel, is written in the exact same wacky mangled spelling as the word balloons. I’d also like to note that just about every word balloon ends in two exclamation points. If anyone actually gets excited, look out!

Also, while we’re getting all linguistic, I’d like to revisit a comment I made in my last B.B. & S.S. entry, in which I remarked that Whar Th’ Boys Are would be a good beach movie for hillbillies or pirates. Upon further reflection, it seems clear to me that the pirate version would be Whar Th’ Boys Be.

In today’s alarming search engine query, we have a lonely Web-surfing pervert who likes mature, professional women, evidenced by his plugging “+’sally forth’ +nude” into AltaVista.

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Panels from Apartment 3-G and One Big Happy, 10/14/04

Today we come back to our intermittent feature in which I talk about the cartoonist’s craft as if I know a damn thing about it. Mainly, I like the lines radiating off of the willful, dark-haired females in these two panels. Normally lines like these in the comics represent motion (or, in extreme cases, odor), but if that were true here, then these ladies would be vibrating like tuning forks with anxiety and/or manic energy. Actually, more than anything else, these remind me of the energy lines that shoot off of comic book heroes when they’re about to make use of some sort of extraordinary power. I guess when Ruthie starts emitting these waves, she’s about to unleash some supernaturally adorable malapropism. Meanwhile, Gabriella’s Gabriella-sense is no doubt triggered when Margo is about to get herself into some sort of trouble. It therefore is almost certainly going off all the time, which may explain why she always looks kind of constipated.