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Dick Tracy, 8/23/17

Hey, uh, so remember the Nitrates, a brother-sister grifter team in Dick Tracy whose whole thing was that they mocked up fake version of lost classic film reels and sold them to unwary collectors, and this was an extremely lucrative scam niche, somehow? Pretty sure I only mentioned them once during their last plotline three years ago, to point out that the sister (named Silver, or possibly Sprocket) is also a hippie who goes barefoot all the time. Now they’ve got a new con going, pretending they have a long-rumored early recording of Abraham Lincoln’s voice.

Anyway, if you’re like me, you’ve had a hard time working up much enthusiasm for these characters, but you’ve also occasionally thought to yourself “am I gross or is there a vaguely incest-y vibe to these two?” And today’s strip lets us know that it’s not just you, or at least that the vibe you’ve been getting from them isn’t technically incest-y. It’s still not that exciting, though, and Dick’s distracted “They aren’t?” as he works through the paperwork on yet another police-involved shooting where he was the police who was involved is well justified. “Ugh, who cares about their relationship,” he’s thinking. “Do I get to police-involved shoot them or what?”

Mark Trail, 8/23/17

In case you were worried: yes, this Mark Trail plot is in fact going to climax as our heroes and villains shelter from tornados in the bear-infested tunnels under a Great Plains ghost town! That old bear is named Samson, and he’s ready for some tunnel-mauling.

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Hi and Lois, 8/22/17

A friend of mine, whose family I knew belonged to a posh country club, was once telling me about summer jobs he had as a kid, and I asked him if he’d ever worked at the club, like as a waiter or something. He looked at me very strangely and then explained that members or their family taking jobs at the club was simply not done. What I’m trying to say, Recurring Hi and Lois Garbagemen Characters Who Probably Have Names That I Don’t Remember, is that it doesn’t matter how you dress: you’ll never be their peers, and the fact that you’re acting as if you could be will only give rise to confusion and then contempt.

Funky Winkerbean, 8/22/17

You know, I make fun of the Funkyverse’s unrelenting grimness a lot, but given that human happiness in this strip mostly leaves me feeling vaguely nauseated, maybe I should count my blessings?

Blondie, 8/22/17

A cool thing about being a syndicated cartoonist: if you encounter an annoyance or indignity in your everyday life, no matter how small or petty, you can complain about it to millions of newspaper readers!

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Mary Worth, 8/21/17

Soooo, just to clarify: Dr. Ned’s sudden, intense interest in Dawn’s living situation, combined with that mid-date phone call he abruptly had to take earlier, means that, despite his earlier divorce talk, he is still 100% extremely married, right? This puts all of Jared’s passive-aggressive sheeshing in a different light, though if he’s really concerned about Dawn being taken advantage of, he should probably try just giving her the information she needs to make an informed decision about her romantic life, rather than loudly proclaiming his own sexual availability and then flailing about wildly.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 8/21/17

Ha ha, “we’ll be outnumbered” is a thing parents often say upon having a third kid, as a joke, but Rex’s face shows that he is deadly serious here. As well he should be! Sarah’s convenient bout of amnesia may have erased her intimate inside knowledge of how violent crime syndicates work, but she has shown herself a natural leader, effortlessly assembling teams of the downtrodden and acquiring powerful allies. Rex is right to be worried! If they presented Sarah with another foot soldier, he and June would be prisoners in their house’s basement within a week!

Gil Thorp, 8/21/17

OH WELL THE COLLEGE FRESHMAN WHO LED HIS TEAM TO A 3 AND 5 RECORD IN THE ACC LAST YEAR (OR MORE LIKELY WATCHED THEM BE MEDIOCRE FROM THE BENCH) HAS SPOKEN!!!! I GUESS JAQUAN IS AN NFL PLAYER NOW