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Archive: Lockhorns

175

Slenderwilbur will haunt your nightmares

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Mary Worth, 6/8/25

Many of our most beloved deranged Mary Worth storylines end abruptly, with antagonists just straight up driving off a cliff or whatever, but I’m sorry, there is a lot to take in just in this single strip. The bell by which the Westons were saved was rung by … Belle’s brother? Who has tracked her down somehow because he suspects she’s off her meds, probably because she failed to check in with him? And also (and sorry, but this is much more important), he’s literally just a taller version of Wilbur? Like she spotted Wilbur across a TGIFridays in Tampa and thought, “Oh my goodness, he looks just like my beloved brother … but more squooshed! I’m gonna FUCK HIS BRAINS OUT AND MURDER ANYONE OR ANYTHING WHO COMPETES WITH HIM FOR MY ATTENTION!” Because that’s wild, possibly the wildest proposition this strip has ever asked me to buy in the 20+ years I’ve been reading it. And it’s clearly not the first time something like this has happened! “I’m sorry about this, shorter me!” Avery says. “I hope I came in time … there are no visible corpses, so I’m assuming I did, but sincere apologies if not!”

Mother Goose and Grimm, 6/8/25

The joke here is whatever, but I want to point out that it’s weird that Grimm is in the corner there watching this breakup go down. It’s a long-established aspect of this strip that it alternates between jokes involving the well-established cast of characters and sub-Far Side one-off gags. Feels like some new executive in charge of the syndicate sent down a note like “In order to reinforce Mother Goose and Grimm’s brand identity and lay the groundwork for future merchandising initiatives, every strip needs to feature one of the two beloved title characters, who casual readers definitely know by name and can identify.”

Panel from The Lockhorns, 6/8/25

Funniest thing here is that this is, I assume, their own house. Not sure if Leroy is very drunk or very sleepy — or, more cruel and therefore more likely, if he’s doing a bit and Loretta refuses to even give him the satisfaction of acknowledging that he’s doing a bit.

125

Mostly kind Sunday

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Crock, 6/1/25

Imagine if you petitioned Almighty God for a full accounting of all the evil you’ve done in your life. This is information that He, being omniscient, has at His fingertips, and, moreover, because He is omnibenevolent, he reveals your sins to you as a spreadsheet, the most perfect and versatile data presentation and manipulation format ever created. I usually hate on Crock, but I gotta say, as a real Excel head, I’m a fan of this one.

Panel from The Lockhorns, 6/1/25

A very realistic touch here is that in this pose the lithe yoga girlies have their foot fully up on their thighs, demonstrating a level of flexibility that Leroy and Loretta have not yet achieved. It’s not realistic that Loretta appears to just be having a conversation with Leroy at full volume in the middle of a packed yoga class, but I find it very funny nonetheless.

Judge Parker, 6/1/25

Oh, are you tired of Judge Parker strips where the characters just hang out together and whine about their various problems? Well, what if there was a strip where they hung out together and whined about refusing to talk about their various problems, huh? Would it make it any better if pretty horses were involved?

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Bleak Sunday

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Shoe, 5/18/25

You know I’m a fan of the depressing Shoe strips where either the Perfesser or Skyler is sitting in the living room chair and the other one has to just stand there awkwardly in order to have a conversation because they don’t have a second living room chair and have no plans to get one. A nice touch about these strips is that often, as in today’s, the person sitting in the chair has to uncomfortably crane their neck around to talk, just to emphasize that the house layout is incredibly hostile to the very idea of the two people living there interacting with one another for more than the briefest stretches of time.

Dick Tracy, 5/18/25

“…111 South Michigan Avenue, Chicago, Illinois 60603! That’s the Art Institute of Chicago, which bought the painting from Grant Wood directly after it took a bronze medal in a competition there. It was lent to a couple European museums in the mid ’10s but it’s back now. Anyway, not sure why Dick Tracy needs to get this information over the phone from a real cagey guy who probably just murdered someone instead of looking it up online like a normal person, but I don’t tell him how to do his business.”

Panel from The Lockhorns, 5/18/25

This is about … Loretta dying, right? Like definitely Leroy is musing, right in the middle of their therapy session, about how great it would be for him personally if Loretta died?