Judge Parker, 5/2/15
Say what you will about Judge Parker, but it is not afraid to play the long game. Remember way back in May of 2013, when Sophie casually mentioned that wars interest her? Well, that interest is not just academic. Sophie understands that she’ll probably have to spend a few years on the battlefield to gain experience and cred, of course, but she no doubt rightfully assumes that her coldly calculating intellect will quickly catapult her up the ranks until she’s planning major campaigns from deep in her underground bunker, ordering cities to be wiped out with a mere gesture. Honey Ballenger will be sorry she
stole away prevented Sophie from stealing away Derek then, in that brief moment before the flash vaporizes her and everyone she’s ever known.
Sure, there are a lot of problems with America’s profit-focused health care system, but look on the bright side: maybe it will kill Momma!
This is just literally what oral tradition is
You haven’t put a plugger twist on it all
Come on now
Funky Winkerbean, 4/8/15
Good news, everyone! The comic strip that brought you “Nordic” and “solo car date” has another phrase that you can pretty much figure out from context but is 100% not something a native English speaker would say: “Lewis-and-Clarking.” Like, I guess this means he’s exploring her … with his eyes? For purposes of commerce, and to establish a claim of sovereignty at a later date? Eventually leading a treaty with Britain dividing land claims at the 49th parallel? OK, I think I’m losing the the thread here a bit.
Now, the lowbrow amongst you are probably giggling at the “organ” double entendre, imagining the gentleman is talking about his (and a friend’s?) penis. Really, I don’t know why you need to go into the gutter to enjoy this comic. It’s literally about a man so in love with a woman that he’s willing to bloodily sacrifice himself so that she could live! “Please,” he begs her, “dismember me! Pull whatever useful parts you need out of my still-steaming corpse and throw the rest in the trash! I want nothing more than for some part of me, no matter how small, to literally become part of you!”
Beetle Bailey, 4/8/15
Hey, have you ever wondered about the inner life of Beetle Bailey characters? Like, have you thought about whether they have sex dreams? WELL TOO BAD YOU KNOW NOW
Slylock Fox, 3/9/15
It’s clear that the sapient animals of Slylock Fox used the ruined detritus of our civilization as the building blocks for theirs — why else would that owl judge be wearing a black robe, or that bird juror a necktie? But clearly the cultural material they drew from had gaps. For instance, despite today’s near omnipresence of the Law and Order franchise, apparently not a single episode survived for the entertainment of the triumphant beasts, because otherwise they’d know that the law enforcement apparatus consists of two separate yet equally important groups: the police, who investigate crime; and the district attorneys, who prosecute the offenders. Instead, they have Slylock fulfilling both these roles, and additionally providing entertainment to courtrooms when cases are so open-and-shut as to be boring. Even Shady Shrew is enjoying the performance. “Heh heh, it’s the sun! They’re never going to guess it! Oh, soon I’ll be back in prison, where my freedom of action is restricted but life has an order and structure I’ve never been able to create for myself on the outside. I guess that’s probably why I stole that lady’s bike off her porch in broad daylight.” Anyway, once Slylock’s done here, he’ll head over to a lawsuit involving a doctor whose husband was killed and son terribly injured in a car crash.
Mark Trail, 3/9/15
Ooh, is this Mark Trail storyline going to be about the importance of a work ethic and self-reliance? “Our young beaver knows that support a family, he’ll need to industriously build a dam, using nothing but his teeth, paws, and gumption. Meanwhile, Littlefoot grows fat on the Trail family’s handouts and refuses to even do basic foraging for himself.”
Ha ha, it’s funny because Momma’s emotional world is so twisted that her idea of a happy home is one in which her children have gathered together so she can make them all feel bad about themselves! Also, hashtags are … a thing that exists, I guess?
Family Circus, 3/9/15
NO, LADY, DON’T LET HIM TAKE OFF THIS MITTENS AND TOUCH YOU WITH HIS GROSS CLAMMY GERMY SKIN, IT’S A TRAAAAAAP