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Comics archive! Judge Parker

Obviously a man who goes by “king” couldn’t truly love our Republic

Judge Parker, 6/27/15

Yesterday, Neddy showed King Speedy incontrovertible proof that his asking price for cargo containers was too high: she found a website where she could buy them for cheaper, and waved her phone at him meaningfully. (Or maybe it was an app? “It’s like Grindr, but for shipping containers!” says the startup founder at the VC pitch meeting, right before $100 bills start raining down from the ceiling.) Anyhoo, King Speedy could’ve just said “Well, I guess you should buy your containers from that app, then,” but instead he’s made the extremely poor choice to keep dickering, with the upshot that he’s now being literally accused of hating the American worker because he refuses to sell shipping containers at a loss. Neddy loves the American worker, loves the American worker so much that she’s going to keep the American worker working well into the American worker’s dotage, taking advantage of the Social Security and Medicare programs so that she doesn’t have to provide benefits. You think you’re a patriot, Speed King? You’re an actual traitor who uses our flag for toilet paper compared to Neddy, whose elder-exploitation plans are making our Founding Fathers weep tears of joy in the American part of heaven.

Shoes, 6/27/15

birds don’t have teeth, y’all

they

don’t

have

TEETH

When your dumb nickname is right on the front of your golf cart, that’s how you know you’ve “made it”

Judge Parker, 6/25/15

Well, we all know what happens when a Spencer-Driver negotiates with a rotund man daubing his head with a cloth: the Spencer-Driver gets what they want for a ludicrously low price! Personally, I’m a little sad that anyone who goes by the name of “King Speedy” isn’t in the meth-dealing business. Honestly, I’m not 100% convinced he isn’t, which, assuming everyone is convinced everyone else is speaking in code, could result in some hilarious complications by the end of this transaction.

Apartment 3-G, 6/25/15

I know I haven’t really been keeping you up to date on this, but … Lu Ann has abruptly announced she’s quitting her job and moving away? I don’t know if this is just another A3G vague plot that will go nowhere or this strip starting to unravel itself, but it’s pretty weird that Lu Ann is now talking about selling “the apartment,” since she shares and co-owns the apartment with, like, two other people. Maybe she’ll just be selling her bedroom? I look forward to seeing realtors coming through and pointing out the lovely architectural features of the single room, and glossing over the two angry women standing there staring with crossed arms. This is Manhattan, so probably she’ll barely get a million dollars for it.

Dennis the Menace, 6/25/15

Not sure if Dennis is excited about learning decades’ worth of Wilson secrets or if he just likes the idea of a demon house that can speak via horrifying, unnatural wall-mouths, but either way it’s very unsettling, A+ menacing.

Young Henry always dreamed of being a Hank someday

Six Chix, 6/14/15

It seems that, while the tradition of paying children as they lose their baby teeth dates back to medieval times, the concept of an actual Tooth Fairy only dates to the early 20th century. I assumed based on this cartoon that the modern sanitized version had its origin in some terrifying German fairy tale involving a forest-sprite who came to the desperately poor at night and offered to give them food or sustenance if they agreed to let her wrench their teeth out of their jaw. Most versions of the Tooth Fairy legend (including the one in this very comic last month) have her as being very small, so presumably this is a normal human woman with a pair of fairy wings she bought at Party City and a sadistic hatred of the homeless.

Judge Parker, 6/14/15

Good new! Supercilious master of structural engineering Hank Tolling turns out to be a local boy! That means that, under the terms by which the Spencerberg region was enfeoffed to its ruling family, Neddy can kill or marry him at her whim, which will make it much easier for her to resolve their disputes.