Archive: Judge Parker

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Curtis, 7/10/18

Curtis and Barry discover Michelle’s camgirl site with Zoom stuck at 400%.

Between Friends, 7/10/18

Obsessive neurotic Susan has vague memories of her former life.

Funky Winkerbean, 7/10/18

NARRATOR VOICE: “Their book was never nominated.”

Also, dearie, it’s called a “spit take,” not a “nod take” — you sip the coffee first; you don’t stick your damn nose in it. Any self-respecting Eisner nominee would know this.

Judge Parker, 7/10/18

Abbey has willed a gallows into existence in Sam’s office. Tread lightly, Sam!

Mary Worth, 7/10/18

Tommy has discovered the one person in Santa Royale who’s more of an emotional wreck than he is. I hear wedding bells!

Sally Forth, 7/10/18

Girl fight Girl fight GIRL FIGHT!!!

OK, that’s the actual joke; I just couldn’t help myself.

— Uncle Lumpy

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Spider-Man, 7/9/18

How would rumors like that spread, anyway? “Listen, there may or may not be this one guy, dunno who, and he fights a hypothetical sect called The Hand! They’re famous for keeping their activities, identity, and their very existence completely secret: nobody’s ever heard of them, and everybody knows it! Maybe this guy fights them with his hand? No way to tell! Don’t hold me to any of this, OK? Pass it on!”

Mary Worth, 7/9/18

Hey, you two, I have nothing but respect for your respective sobrieties; Tommy, you have apparently turned your life around yet again, way to go. But before you go getting all boldface, accept that maybe not every waitress is on fire for details of your personal journeys? Think of “Just order your damn drink” as a thirteenth step or something.

Judge Parker, 7/9/18


No, Neddy, they didn’t — they asked where you were. Ronnie Huerta invented that whole drug thing after the fact. Are you on drugs or something?

Haha Sam is shopping online for a matching lamp. Maybe the strip is so deeply invested in desk lamps because the lawyers don’t have any actual work to put on their desks?

Crankshaft, 7/9/18

♫ Love is the drug got a hook in Ralph! ♬

The only real question is how soon this ends badly.

— Uncle Lumpy

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Curtis, 7/8/18

On hot summer days long, long ago, Grandma Lumpy would drop a carload of us kids off at a city pool pretty much like this one for an afternoon of swimming and horseplay. I don’t know if parents still do that; I hope so — I’m sure they could use a break from Kids Today, and kids can learn a lot from being lightly supervised among strangers.

What Curtis learns from these outings is:

  • Goodwill is wasted on Barry
  • Strangers are invariably hostile and often gigantic
  • He is being stalked by a shadowy mistress of disguise known only as “Edna”
  • That hat is not as well secured as everybody thought
  • Judge Parker, 7/8/18

    By the time you need Sam’s help, it’s waaay too late — unless you need help constructing an elaborate crazy person conspiracy board. Unfortunately, there’s not enough yarn in Cavelton to connect the dots strewn across this strip. But the broad outlines are clear.

    We have reached the final Carnage of the Clans, in which the Parker and Spencer dynasties — having defeated all lesser rivals — face off in battle. The Parkers, blackmailed into alliance with Norton and April, ally with CIA renegades to pick off Spencer fellow-travelers like Godiva, one by one. The Spencers consolidate their far-flung resources, and work with the legit CIA through local liaison Jim Yelich to frame and shame the Parker alliance. It ends in the smoking ruins of Spencer Farms as Abbey and Katherine — bloodied and screeching — claw one another for possession of some meaningless trinket.

    In his distant lair, Rocky bides his time.

    Slylock Fox (panel), 7/8/18

    No, the call is coming from inside the theater, during the movie! Kill him, Slylock — kill him dead!

    — Uncle Lumpy