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Archie
Archie, 2/2/10
There are a number of unsettling objects that have spilled out of Jughead’s locker. It’s probably actually not unsettling to see that Jughead owns at least one spare crown-hat; I had (I think with some justification, based on his character) assumed that Jughead only owned a single hat, which was by this point frayed and stained with years of hair-grease. Any points gained for this are instantly lost, however, by the sight of that sandwich, which despite its many layers is cohering together as a single, immutable unit as it tumbles across the rubble, possibly due to its condiments having long ago congealed into a binding more powerful than concrete. And, of course, the less said about the tiny scale model of Archie as a double amputee the better.
Crock, 2/2/10
Wow, if you had asked me who Crock’s chief gag artist saw as his avatar in the strip, the loathed and incompetent leader of the Lost Patrol would not have been anywhere on my list. But I can sort of see the connection.
Marmaduke, 2/2/10
Ha ha, some namby-pamby liberal judge thinks that Marmaduke can be restrained from his usual horrors by an electronic ankle bracelet! At best, the device will merely offer the authorities the means to create a real-time map of his swath of devastation.
Mary Worth, 2/2/10
Even Wilbur is getting bored by the tales of his romantic failures, and so he decides to liven things up with a hearty Black Power salute. Soon afterwards, someone comes by and gives him a soothing scalp massage, if what I’m seeing in panel two makes any sort of sense in the Euclidian space-time continuum that I’m accustomed to.
Phantom, 2/2/10
So, it appears that the Phantom is going to use his presumed widowhood to go around boffing all the ladies who ever had eyes for him. We begin with Captain Savarna, who made eyes at him during the Crocco Adventure (no, really) that happened last year, and is now wooing him with her butt-sculpting “uniform” pants and strokeable phallic torpedoes. Later, our hero will presumably finally make the Jungle Patrol gals’ dreams of seducing their Unknown Commander come true. We’ll eventually find out how well the “But honey, I assumed you were dead!” approach works as a justification for infidelity, especially when the unfaithful partner doesn’t bother to do much legwork to actually confirm his widowed status.
Momma, 2/2/10
Based on what I’ve learned from Apartment 3-G, I’m guessing Momma is showing up for her weekly sex-for-pills appointment. The pinched look on her face indicates that she’s past the point of even pretending to enjoy it.
Rex Morgan, M.D., 12/8/09
Uh-oh, it looks like the Morgan household has got a case of the squatters! And they’re slobs, too, and one of them is a busty blonde who looks capable of at least briefly experiencing joy — exactly the sort of person that June is most likely to skewer with one of her patented soul-freezing glares.
You know, sometimes when I return to my house, I have the strange, unbidden thought that perhaps I’ve passed into a parallel universe where I don’t exist, and someone else will be living there. I wonder if something like this has happened to the Morgans — if their cruise ship accidentally passed through the Bermuda Triangle or something, and now they’ve returned to a town exactly like the one they left, except nobody’s ever heard of them. This would guarantee hilariousness, as virtually everything this power couple does is based on an overwhelming sense of their own entitlement. The anger and befuddlement that will ensue when their increasingly plaintive cries of “But don’t you know who we are?” are met with honest “No”s will be delicious.
Archie, 12/8/09
A little knowledge can be a dangerous thing, especially for an emergent cybernetic consciousness. It’s been long established that the Archie Joke-Generating Laugh Unit 3000, the massive computer that creates the Archie newspaper comic, is connected to the Internet and aware of this blog; but now it appears to have decided that I am its primary audience, and is specifically filling its strip with things that unsettle and amuse me, including people gazing lovingly at their own image on computer monitors and creepy furries whose deranged eyes glow out from the otherwise inky black maw of their fursuits.
Still, the AJGLU 3000 deserves credit for adding some character development to this strip. In most iterations of the Archie mythos, Reggie exists solely as an arrogant, egotistical foil and occasional romantic rival to Archie. However, as depicted by the AJGLU 3000, when he’s behind his (Reggie-themed-photo festooned) editorial desk, he does seem determined to do a halfway credible job of running the school newspaper, an attitude worthy of praise. Of course, this being Reggie, he’s probably only doing it because he believes that a career in print journalism is his ticket to power and influence; this is misguided, but not as misguided as Archie’s apparent belief that a career in print journalism is his ticket to sex with cheerleaders.
Hi and Lois, 12/8/09
Ever since the real-estate market imploded, Lois has had little to do with her time other than hang out at the mall with her fellow realtors and talk about which mood-altering pills are the most fun and which crooked doctors will prescribe them.
Family Circus, 11/4/09
The presence of Dolly in the background takes this Family Circus panel beyond this feature’s usual run-of-the-mill “Jeffy is a moron” territory. When you consider Dolly’s well-known and well-earned contempt for her brother, it seems unlikely that she’d be helping him search for his shoes; thus, I must conclude that all shoes in the Keane Kompound have been confiscated, possibly as a result of the suspiciously absent Billy’s successful escape. Barfy’s sad facial expression indicates that he knows what the kids don’t: even if you get across the half-mile of burning sand, you’ll just end up at the electric fence.
Pluggers, 11/4/09
Pluggers are so hard up for cash that they can only afford “choklit”, which, being made mostly from petroleum byproducts, doesn’t have an expiration date.
Archie, 11/4/09
Mr. Weatherbee’s anger masks his shame at almost being caught surfing for Mr. Weatherbee porn while at work.
Mary Worth, 11/4/09
“That’s right, you don’t have any regrets about your love life, do you Jeff? Jeff? Put down that coffee mug and look at me when I talk to you!”
Apartment 3-G, 11/4/09
OH OH WAIT SHE NEVER HAD ONE OF THOSE
Your comments of the week momentarily, but first, some items! I wish to begin by pointing your attention to the New Yorker Cartoon Lounge’s take on the upcoming Archie nuptials. It made me laugh! Is this how William Shawn and Dorothy Parker would have wanted this beloved publication to enter the Internet age? Probably!
Next, I present the final rounds of what would Margo Do bracelet pics! First up is from faithful reader Alfred E. Newman. “I got my wife to photograph me during my daily Pledge of Allegiance to the Comics Curmudgeon!”
Next comes a pic from faithful reader the Ridger. “I’ve often thought that Margo’s favorite superhero would be Buttercup, the amazingly mean Powerpuff Girl. Also, that Buttercup might love Margo.”
Finally, faithful reader exspecialagentstarling offers this ominous photo. “Decisions decisions. What Would Margo Do?”
And now … your COMMENT OF THE WEEK!
“I wonder if it would be possible to reproduce the ‘This is MY crib!’ panel of Rex Morgan in the form of a welcome mat. I wonder about it a lot.” –peabody
And your runners up! Very funny!
“9CL: Edda’s friend understands that by asking for mime and making bland, encouraging comments, she can get Edda to shut up. She’s not even really looking. ‘Jeepers’ is what you throw into a conversation when you’re tying to pass the Turing Test as lazily as possible.” –Les of the Jungle Patrol
“In panel two, I am fairly sure that Lisa’s ghost is near a bush, watching to see if Les does, indeed, spread the jelly right to the edge.” –Comics Fan
“I can see why Cherry decided to stay home if Mark’s idea of an enjoyable vacation involves being beaten unconscious.” –Darkefang
“You see, Kayla, the one time Lisa didn’t spread the jelly all the way to the edge she ended up pregnant and then dead. How sad if that were to happen to you.” –Gary
“I think Tommie’s wistful sigh in panel three is indicative of the thought process, ‘I would give anything to upgrade my emotional status to lonely and unloved.’” –Violet
“Moments after the picture was taken, this plugger ate his own overalls.” –One-eyed Wolfdog
“Poor unemployed Bob relies on fish caught from a swamp to feed his family. Now Mark brings Rusty to the swamp to (1) catch the fish that Bob otherwise would eat, (2) derail Bob’s only opportunity to earn some money by joining the poachers, and (3) eliminate poaching, thereby allowing the population of alligators to explode and the population of fish to vanish. Thanks a heap, Mark! Now, why don’t you and Rusty come over to Bob’s cabin, eat a heaping meal to clean out his meager pantry, and then molest his daughter.” –seismic-2
“That’s weird. Pluggers generally has nothing to do with the species of its title characters, who usually seem to be fired theme-park workers who couldn’t get out of the costume.” –Artist formerly known as Ben
“Does it make me weird that I’m way more terrified of the thought of grody, gut-length old-man beards than some horrific goat-human-demon hybrid? I don’t think so. I think it only means I’m more aware of how microbial pandemics work than most people.” –Alan’s Addiction
“Pantsless Ziggy sitting on me? I’d start the suicide countdown lower than nine.” –Johnnycakes
“Billy isn’t wrong in his math. There can be only one driver’s license in the Keane family (no women need apply, naturally), and it’s that many days until the ritual death by stoning of Daddy Bil.” –Steve S
“Too bad I didn’t adopt Margo as a role model decades ago. I’d either be president of a television network or, perhaps, in jail.” –ladadog
“Dude, Tommy is blissed-the-fuck-out. Thankfully, I don’t remember the age when sitting in a literally steaming dump was so satisfying, but … he makes a compelling case.” –teddytoad
“Seeing as how the hospital parking lot is filled with nothing but hearses, I’d say Scott’s chances probably aren’t fantastic.” –it’s time to pay the price
“I comforted many violent crime victims’ families over the years! Now I’m on the other side! I’ll be the one committing the violent crime! These claw-like fingernails are the only lethal weapon I need!” –Nekrotzar
“Not content with pioneering the concept of a couch potato hero, this strip now shows us a couch potato villain. When they meet for their battle, what will they fight over? The remote?” –Larry Fine
“Look at how sinister Crock looks in the first panel. It’s like he’s tainted the food with some kind of incredibly painful stomach flu and is taunting his poor elderly mother over the phone about it. ‘How was the food on your senior cruise, MOM?? Enjoying the bloody diarrhea? Hahaha! That’s for birthing me in to this ill-begotten universe of scribbles, you dried up old bag!’” –zamros
“Oh, I pray that Scott’s going to be all right. If only it hadn’t taken three whole days to get through these doors, we might already know!” –Black Drazon
“Crock is perfect for people who love fort-based humor but can’t follow the convoluted plots of F-Troop and can’t grasp the character nuances of Walker, Texas Ranger.” –Ed Dravecky
“Bounced checks aside, it looks like Ted’s investment in mood-altering drugs was a good one.” –NoahSnark
“I take comfort in the fact that, no matter what the plot happens to be, the artists responsible for Mary Worth will take the time to lovingly render a drop ceiling in at least one panel.” –Patrick
“Ted’s habit? Three words: banned Thundercats erotica.” –commodorejohn
“MW: Now, I’m no doctor, but I always figured an arm sling was specifically to help keep the arm lightly in place while sitting or walking or being, you know, upright in some way. A sling does no good on a patient who is laying down. It’s true! Try it yourself! It offers no support; it will just hang limply if you are laying down, which is probably something Mary and Jeff are intimately familiar with OH GOD WHY DID I JUST GO THERE” –Sheila Sternwell
“I can’t wait til we get to Bobbie’s Big Reveal, when she yanks the blond wig off and it’s the bald guy who’s been scarin’ the oldsters in Rex. Or the bald guy from the Mary Worth shootout. What I’m saying is … the chick’s a dude, man, and I don’t think he’s got no hair.” –MolyBendum
“I love Doctor Whositz. Especially the episodes where he battles the Dalekmacallits.” –Ringo Beaumont III
“Silly Josh, Ted already owns the Star Wars holiday special. The money is going towards bribing Lucasfilm to allow the special’s characters to be released as action figures. Ted will never be happy without a plastic Bea Arthur singing bartender in his collection.” –McPerson
I give prodigious thanks to those who put some money in my tip jar — you know who you are! I’d also thank our advertisers … if there were any who bought BlogAds ads, and who thus get thanked every week! Sadly, there aren’t any this week — maybe next week I’ll be thanking you! To find out more about advertising on this site, click here.
Archie, 9/30/09
I’m all in favor of comically over-exaggerated gestures, and thus I approve of Reggie facepalming in reaction to Jughead’s cheerfully open Jason Blairing. Still, I’m a little concerned about the massive wind-up he took on it. Note the shockwaves radiating from the beleaguered egotist’s face; that’s going to bruise, I’m afraid.
Crock, 9/30/09
Since I’m always quick to mock the syndicate colorists for blatantly ignoring in-strip coloring cues, I feel obliged to give them kudos for their work here. Grossie is being praised for her “new dress,” despite the fact that, in black and white, she’d appear to be wearing the exact same niqab-esque thing she always wears. At least the colorists have ensured that today she appears to be wearing a sort of hideous lilac shade instead of her usual unflattering safety orange.
Family Circus, 9/30/09
Well, it appears that we are going to be subjected to Jeffy’s intermittent pantslessness and naked ass more or less indefinitely. If only the monsters responsible would just let us know what their demands are so that we could agree to them immediately, no matter how humiliating!
Luann, 9/30/09
You know, say what you will about the Brad-Toni storyline in Luann, but at least when I encounter it I know what to feel (revulsion). I admit to having no idea what to make of the Elwood thing, which is … storytelling, of a kind, I suppose? Is “bafflement” sort of like “involvement”? I’m not even firm on how old the supposed millionaire is supposed to be; as originally introduced, I think he was supposed to be in high school with the other characters, but now he’s … not? Anyway, I can see two reasons why Elwood would allow the sixteen-year-old object of his misguided affections keep the big honkin’ diamond he wooed her with: either he really is as rich as all that, or it’s a tiny camera with a wireless transmitter and his long-running plan is finally coming to fruition.
Marmaduke, 9/30/09
“In related news, our dog is a terrible four-tongued demon-thing!”
I’ve posted about this before, but I’ve been receiving a flurry of emails about it, so: Yes, there’s a Marmaduke movie in the works. Yes, Fergie and Jeremy Piven are in the cast. Yes, it will be rated NC-17, for the most horrifying violence ever depicted on screen.
Marvin, 9/30/09
I’m not sure I approve of S&M overtones in strips involving babies, but if in the end Marvin gets punished, I guess I can’t complain too much.
Spider-Man, 9/30/09
Dear Spider-Man-reading public eagerly awaiting another instance in which this strip’s hero, who is ostensibly endowed with “spider-sense” that “tingles” at the approach of danger, is nevertheless bashed in the back of the head by an entirely non-super-powered adversary, such as a bowler-cap-wearing manservant or a brick: today is your lucky day.
Hey, it’s the Comics Curmudgeon Fall Fundraiser — help keep this site strong and independent!
Click the banner above to contribute any amount — and receive your “What Would Margo Do?” bracelet with our thanks! Full details here.
9/23 Fundraiser update: Bracelets are now on the way for Day 2 contributions — FIRST CLASS, just like our generous readers! Thank you!
A plea: If you receive your bracelet today or tomorrow, would you please email a photo of it on your wrist to uncle.lumpy@comcast.net? If I get enough for a collage, I’ll post it Friday — as, I dunno, the “Wrists of Just Us” or something. Thanks!
Crock, 9/23/09
OK, I know this is two Crocks in a week and honestly I’m really sorry but Gaaah! this is the grimmest panel I’ve ever seen, and I read Cathy. The punchline here seems to be “Ha ha you are a slave”, or at best “Ha ha you are a slave so work harder.” It doesn’t look like the soldier is actually confused about his servitude, and if he is, it’s due no doubt to hallucinations from the sunstroke and heat exhaustion that will soon kill him.
Crock’s use of the doomed soldier’s name before his complete objectification and annihilation just twists the knife.
Archie, 9/23/09
I like Archie: it’s kinda sweet and old-timey. Plus, there’s visual madness in the reaction shots from the photograph and the giant Kool-Aid not-quite-emoticon on the CRT. The artists also deliver gratuitous Cammie cheesecake from time to time, and you can almost always tell they’re still trying. But not today, alas — c’mon, if the school paper were already in fact digital, then students couldn’t read it on their phones and you’d have a joke. As it is, you have, well, a perfectly sensible but unfunny editorial. And Doonesbury’s pretty much got that niche locked up.
Curtis, 9/23/09
Technically speaking, there is a joke in today’s Curtis (”bigger dummy than the dummy”), but let’s watch poor Curtis labor mightily to set it up. Start with panel 1’s Herb and Jamaally intro, already reeking of flop sweat. Then: can’t say “toilet” in a family strip? OK, “down the plumbing!” Need a reference to sexual indiscretion, but it has to be G-rated? OK, how about trying to pick up a mannequin. Obligatory tech reference? YouTube! (What, Twitter’s busy?) Finally, exhausted, Curtis wrestles this steaming gelatinous mass to the finish, and Barry delivers the featherweight punchline. Same time tomorrow, Sisyphus.
Gil Thorp, 9/23/09
OK, this is Duncan Daley, capable but non-flashy Milford tackle (and counterpoint to Jamarr Gaddis, fast but tiny self-promoting wide receiver used to decoy defenders from stolid running back Robb Larue). Formerly a party animal with ready access to his lookalike brother’s ID, Duncan has matured into a focused, R.C.-sipping young adult, no doubt because of what his brother said.
So you don’t have to, faithful reader — so you don’t have to!
Operation H-Town update: Mary Worth, 9/23/09
Well, Officer Colleague has certainly learned a valuable lesson today, hasn’t he? Kids, don’t go calling people “under arrest” until they can no longer shoot at you.
OK OK OK! Detective Scott Hewlett lives to live another day! Check out his prospects at the fabulous Scott’s Drug Bust Pool spreadsheet, created by faithful reader 8th Man Fan. Want a piece of the action? Use the awesome Scott’s Drug Bust Pool Form. Contribute your winnings to the Comics Curmudgeon Fall Fundraiser! And thank you, faithful reader 8th Man Fan!
Margo Moments — a Fall Fundraiser special, part 3
Apartment 3-G (panels) — 12/21/2006, 1/11, 2/27, 4/17, 4/19, 4/26, 7/2, 7/3, 8/3/2007
What would Margo do? The streets of New York are littered with the bones of those who thought they knew! Contribute to The Comics Curmudgeon today, and avoid their fate! When you do, we’ll rush your “What Would Margo Do?” bracelet to you, so you can project the power of Margo — from your wrist, to your hand, to their throats!
– Uncle Lumpy
