The Comics Curmudgeon

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KILL JEFFY KILL

Family Circus, 5/9/07

You know, I’m a man of simple pleasures. I’m not a club-hopper or an aficionado of fast cars or speedboats. All I ask for in life is to be left alone with my hobbies — like, say, pretending that the Family Circus household is possessed by demons, and one of those evil spirits is starting to communicate with Dolly through her talking doll, and she’s forcing Jeffy to participate in its plans to massacre the whole town, and a terrified Jeffy runs to tell his mother while the soul-destroyed Dolly and her hellspawn plaything look on blankly, adding him to their slaughter list — and when you they essentially run this as the “joke” in the comic, well, it kills a little of the fun for me, to be honest.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 5/9/07

“Mrs. Avery, as Avery International’s professional sexy, subservient Asian stereotype, I’ll be easing your pain with a variety of unprintable techniques. If necessary, I will remove these chopsticks from my hair and let my long, luxurious jet-black hair cascade down my back in slow-motion. You’ll have to lead me to my seat, though, because my contract requires me to keep my eyes closed at all times — all the crackers on this board seem to think that’s what Asians look like.”

Has anyone Asian — or, hell, anyone at all — actually used chopsticks to keep their hair up, in a boardroom setting or elsewhere? Brynna Antenna doesn’t count.

Judge Parker, 5/9/07

Barney Google began to slowly and inexorably become Snuffy Smith the day that Barney went down for a vacation in the hill country. Similarly, comics historians will mark May 9, 2007, as the day that Judge Parker began its transformation into Mullet Love, the ongoing story of two star-crossed lovers with gorgeous Kentucky Waterfalls of hair — one bright yellow, one manic panic red — pouring down the backs of their heads. Together, they fight crime, avoid their spurned spouses, and travel the world, occasionally falling on each other in episodes of passionate lovemaking that cause their hockey hair to spin around their faces and tangle together.

Apartment 3-G, 5/9/07

“Yep, coffee’s not helping; time to switch to bourbon. And if that doesn’t work, it’s on to whippits.”

Archie, 5/9/07

I just want to say that I honestly think “Mustard” would be a really cute name for a dog. Also, someone is clearly thinking about boning someone else in that third panel.

Finally, I can’t even bring myself to contemplate the fresh Funky horror, but the Chron has the inside scoop on the roller-coaster of metastasis that we have in store for us. (Thanks to faithful reader Cobra for the tip.)

This entry was posted on Wednesday, May 9, 2007 at 11:23 am and is filed under Apartment 3-G, Archie, Family Circus, Judge Parker, Rex Morgan, M.D.. |

459 responses to “KILL JEFFY KILL”

Johan
May 9th, 2007 at 11:25 am [Reply]

So is the hot dog supposed to mount the mustard? Wait, which one is female? Mustard? So confused… damn you AJGU3000, you broke my brain!
gh
May 9th, 2007 at 11:28 am [Reply]

PeteMoss –

I release you from the curse!
SinBlossom
May 9th, 2007 at 11:33 am [Reply]

You would think Mustard would be the one with the sauce, wouldn’t you?

It remains to be seen whether Darren’s slutty lookalike girlfriend will convince him to seek his birth mother before or after she succumbs. Will we have a heartwarming reunion or heaping helpings of regret? Perhaps her son’s rage and loathing at having been given up for adoption will push Lisa over the brink into a spiral of morphine addiction that will keep her in a drug-addled haze until her death. This IS FW we’re talking about.
vkbceb
May 9th, 2007 at 11:33 am [Reply]

In Mary Worth, Vera is suddenly sporting a black star tattoo between her eyes! No wonder she’s mad at her brother- he probably drew it on with magic marker while she was asleep.
Bud
May 9th, 2007 at 11:33 am [Reply]

Its not mullet-love until someone bangs out “Cherry Pie” on their boombox.
Jan-Karl
May 9th, 2007 at 11:35 am [Reply]

The Google ads are acting pretty weird today. I opened up the site and I got this ad:

Are you a sexual pervert?
Do you live in shame and turmoil? No peace, only guilt. There is hope.

Then I went to post this comment and now it says:

Christian comic!

What kind of crazy keywordiage does it take to get both these ads on one site? Maybe Google made the association after the Catholic molestation scandal!
jules
May 9th, 2007 at 11:35 am [Reply]

Mustard is a cute name for a dog! But I’m not even contemplating that bone. Also, didn’t Jughead recently announce a fervent wish to remain single? Hmm…

In local news, my newspaper – without warning, without consulting their readership, nuthin – replaced “Ziggy” with “Marmaduke” on Monday morning! I am remarkably sanguine about this. Sure, I don’t give a rat’s behind about either comic, but I also don’t like having my comix messed with. I’m amazed at how well I’ve taken this change. Marmaduke sure is a big dawg! Ha ha!
JonnyVanPelt
May 9th, 2007 at 11:35 am [Reply]

OKI MERLOT will be revealed to actually be a drag queen sometime soon — which, given the current pace of this storyline, I put at about Thanksgiving. I mean, her name is OKI MERLOT. Think about it.

Also, amazing how Alan can look 35 face-on but 55 simply by turning his head in profile.
dimestore lipstick
May 9th, 2007 at 11:35 am [Reply]

I didn’t get a chance to check the last thread–did we ever decide what was up with the woman in the Cheongsam in RMMD?

You know, the one with a Japanese first name and French last name, wearing a Chinese dress at an American board meeting after the disapearance of the Scots CEO?
Underclassed
May 9th, 2007 at 11:36 am [Reply]

I know a few girls, of both the Asian and Caucasian persuasion, who use chopsticks (usually jade ones) in their hair. It’s cute.
Busted Flush
May 9th, 2007 at 11:36 am [Reply]

Actually, my sister, a nurse, occasionally uses chopsticks to hold her hair up in a bun. I don’t imagine she reads this site, but I’ll refrain from editorial comment in any case. Meanwhile, I’m scratching my head over the Asian “Ms. Merlot”.
MT: Mark and Sam seem to be completely unconcerned that an airplane is about to land on them in panel 3. Fortunately, Sam is apparantly shouting to be heard over the noise of the engines!
Alan S.
May 9th, 2007 at 11:36 am [Reply]

You know, I don’t think Archie was ever the height of artistic achievement, but I swear it was ten times better drawn in my youth. That last panel is an absolute horror. They should hire a real talent, like maybe Bob Weber. Or a retarded bonobo.
Dan Coyle
May 9th, 2007 at 11:38 am [Reply]

FW: There are no words.

JP: You know, I can’t tell when one story begins in this strip and another ends. It’s just an endless parade of really nice Barreto drawings.
gh
May 9th, 2007 at 11:40 am [Reply]

So, the dog’s thinking: I’m going to be all over you like mustard on a hot dog?

[Program the AJGLU 3000 for all possible variations on this theme, including "Girl thinks," "Jughead thinks," "Bone thinks"]
Sleestak
May 9th, 2007 at 11:40 am [Reply]

Oh, man. Family Circle is re-enacting the Telly Savalas Twilight Zone episode that freaked me out for years.
Artist formerly known as Ben
May 9th, 2007 at 11:41 am [Reply]

I have known some women who keep their hair up with chopsticks. Mostly it’s an art student kinda thing, and the ones I’ve known have tended to be of Scotch-Irish descent. We could be charitable and say that Oki Vintage California Merlot got a makeover from the 20 year old daughter of another board member. Or not.
Tukla in Iowa
May 9th, 2007 at 11:41 am [Reply]

I predict that Oki Merlot is Hugh’s inside “man” based solely on the fact that she spoke first.
RCP
May 9th, 2007 at 11:41 am [Reply]

From the Chronicle Article:

In this story, Lisa will start chemo again, learn that her long-range prospects aren’t hopeful, stop chemo, deal with telling her daughter about her cancer situation, testify before Congress about the need for cancer research and cope with friends and family, according to press release from King Features Syndicate.

“There’s still humor,” Batiuk said. “It’s a different kind of humor and you’re working hard to create it, but it’s still there at times.

If by humor, you mean slight reprieves from soul-crushing despair and a slow death from cancer, then yes.
Abbey the Wonderdog
May 9th, 2007 at 11:41 am [Reply]

How long before before Oki starts whining about the proceedings?

BARK! BARK! BARK!
jvwalt
May 9th, 2007 at 11:42 am [Reply]

RMMD: I don’t know which name is funnier — Oki (“My friends call me Oki Doki”) or Merlot. How did our modern Dragon Lady get named after a popular variety of wine? I guess this is a feeble attempt to combine the mysterious sensuality of the Far East with the open sexuality of the French. Not workin’.

Today’s “Archie” stuns me. Aside from the disturbing sexual imagery (the airborne bone, and the idea of the boy’s hot dog slathered with the girl’s mustard), there’s the fact that this appears to be an event that hasn’t happened since sometime in the 1960s: a plot twist. A new character, and a love interest for Jughead after all these years! I think the AJGLU3000 has been reprogrammed by the same folks who just rebooted the Garfield joke-generating computer.

And now we can all ponder the concept of Jughead making out, or having sex. Eeeewwwww!
meep
May 9th, 2007 at 11:45 am [Reply]

I’ve used chopsticks in my hair at work (and I work in the actuarial dept., not any funky “creative” area). I’m not Asian, though.
jules
May 9th, 2007 at 11:45 am [Reply]

I bet “Oki Merlot” is an anagram. Like Kelrast. He sure looked familiar…

Never mind. Oki Merlot = Limo Toker? Kool Timer? Mitre Look? O Milt Rook? I need to work on this. Someone bring me some coffee.
jules
May 9th, 2007 at 11:47 am [Reply]

Oh, it wouldn’t me O Milt Rook – that has three o’s and no e. Where’s that coffee?!
jvwalt
May 9th, 2007 at 11:47 am [Reply]

Oddly enough, Oki Merlot is not the only current comics character with chopsticks in her hair. See “Gil Thorp,” and check out Brynna, the teen bitch in the winter/spring storyline.
fizzy logic
May 9th, 2007 at 11:47 am [Reply]

I have long, curly hair and I have used pretty, decorative chopsticks on occasion. Pencils work too, in a pinch.

However, I wouldn’t wear them with my cheongsam dress unless I was going to an Asian-themed party somewhere. Being (indeterminably) Asian herself, I suppose she is allowed.
T. Chicana
May 9th, 2007 at 11:49 am [Reply]

You know what cheered me up after the Funky Winkerbean-that-we-all-knew-was-coming? At my work, we have this weird enforced week of field-day type activities (office rodeo, chili cookoff, etc.) and they have a silent auction of blown-up comic strips….I placed a bid on the Mary Worth one! It’s one where she’s on Ella Byrd’s couch. So far, I’m the only bidder. No one here is hip enough to know that there’s something about Mary!
lost in erehwon
May 9th, 2007 at 11:49 am [Reply]

Apparently, the first step in the transformation of Judge Parker into Mullet Love is when it becomes Judge Marker (M for Mullet)?
Johnny
May 9th, 2007 at 11:50 am [Reply]

“Has anyone Asian â€” or, hell, anyone at all â€” actually used chopsticks to keep their hair up, in a boardroom setting or elsewhere?”

You’re wrong on this one, Josh. They’re not chopsticks; they’re kanzashi, and in fact they aren’t that uncommon, especially among Japanese (or, I assume, faux-Japanese like “Oki Merlot”). You’ll invariably see them at Japanese weddings or other ceremonies as part of kimono dress, but on recent trips to Japan, I’ve seen women wear them in business settings as well.
ElSanto
May 9th, 2007 at 11:54 am [Reply]

As a practicing Asian, Josh, I have to say that my girlfriend, my ex, and my cousin (all of Asian descent) have done the chopstick-in-the-hair thing. My sister probably would too, but she rocks the short-haired look.
Josh
May 9th, 2007 at 11:54 am [Reply]

#27 lost in erehwon — dagnabbit, I got mullets on the brain, I guess. I fixed.

Josh
Artist formerly known as Ben
May 9th, 2007 at 11:55 am [Reply]

#22-23.
The only other one I can come up with is “Like Motor.” Which strikes me as quite offensive for some reason.
Pammeey
May 9th, 2007 at 11:56 am [Reply]

At first glance I thought she was saying “Ok! Merlot.” I expected her to break out the bottle and glasses. The chopsticks in the hair don’t bother me but the thigh-high slit in her dress seems a little racy for the boardroom.
Paperback Rifler
May 9th, 2007 at 11:57 am [Reply]

There seems to have been a lot peculiarly demonic content in the so-called “kid-friendly” comics today. Not only is there the possessed doll that Josh talks about in today’s Family Circus (OF THE DAMNED!), but there are also the following entries:

Dennis the Menace: If the eyes are the window to the soul, then Dennis, it seems, has a soul that is almost as black as Tom Batiuk’s spiteful, misery-loving heart.

Marvin: Dwayne has abruptly sprouted a devilish goatee; I’m sure that before too long, he’ll be walking around on goat legs, demanding human sacrifices, and saying that Marvin’s mother sucks cocks in hell.

And the devil himself has a cameo in the first panel of today’s Gil ThÃ¶rp. Okay; I know that that’s supposed to be Marty Moon or whatever; but is it so wrong to want this strip to go off on a Damn Yankees sendup? It really wouldn’t make any less sense than whatever the heck’s been going on in the strip thus far.
nsr
May 9th, 2007 at 12:02 pm [Reply]

TDIET- if I ate two stacks of achin’ bacon an’ a hangtown fry at Barfo’s, I might need a spoonful of Yoyomicin.
Uncle Lumpy
May 9th, 2007 at 12:04 pm [Reply]

Official Minutes
Board of Directors
Avery International
May 9, 2007

1. Ms. Avery introduced to Board.
2. Ms. Avery’s statement: “I’m the majority shareholder – you all STFU!”
3. Move to adjourn.
4. Adjourned
Steve S
May 9th, 2007 at 12:05 pm [Reply]

“Jeffy, if the doll is telling you to urinate uncontrollably, you’re already in its power!”
T Campbell
May 9th, 2007 at 12:07 pm [Reply]

Re: Funky Winkerbean

HA HA HA HA HAHA! THE CHARTS GOT MIXED UP! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! DOCTORS DO THE DARNEDEST LIFE-DESTROYING THINGS! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! OH MY GOD, THE HILARITY NEVER STOPS! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I JUST LAUGHED MYSELF INTO THROAT CANCER! HA!
monkey.dave
May 9th, 2007 at 12:07 pm [Reply]

Apparently, Samuel Clemens and Mary Worth are on the board of directors in today’s Rex Morgan.
JRM
May 9th, 2007 at 12:07 pm [Reply]

Today’s Dennis the Menace disturbed me, and I thought for a second that it was because I’m not used to seeing cartoon characters with five fingers…and then I realized it was because I’m not used to seeing Dennis with actual hands, rather than the flippers they usually give him.
Gryph
May 9th, 2007 at 12:09 pm [Reply]

I love that although Lun Ann is dying, they show us Allan getting a leisurely cup of coffee. I could understand not showing her death throes if it was Tommie, but this is Lu Ann – people actually know who she is without a recap!

My theory is that Lu Ann is dying of suffocation brought on by some kind of a gas leak, the exposure to which has caused her brain to be deprived of oxygen and to hallucinate her ghost. Alternately, the reason Eric Mills has been absent in Margo’s life lately is because he is the ghost and has been haunting Lu Ann and spiking her water to keep her under his control in order to force her to crank more mediocre paintings out. He is no doubt planning to use them to double his fortune by selling them to motels and hotels around the world.

More motel art, Mule!
Steve T.
May 9th, 2007 at 12:10 pm [Reply]

“There’s still humor,” Batiuk said. “It’s a different kind of humor and you’re working hard to create it, but it’s still there at times.

Funky Winkerbean: Still funny at times! Sign me up for fun!
Anon
May 9th, 2007 at 12:10 pm [Reply]

I think the staff over at RMMD have been watching Stargate SG-1 too much. The board meeting looks and sounds too much like when all the system lords get together to pow wow.
PeteMoss
May 9th, 2007 at 12:12 pm [Reply]

With this new thread, I am at last released by the curse gh put on my moniker and that e is back in its place.

As for gh, may your full name, address and social security number be printed by the Chief Plugger in daily papers throughout the world! Bwahahahaha!
Chupper
May 9th, 2007 at 12:12 pm [Reply]

I’ve been working on the Oki Merlot anagram situation, and have a few possibilities:
ROMEO KILT: Lends credence to the drag queen theory
METRO KILO: She smuggles drugs from Asia.
MILKER TOO: June’s gonna show up with her milk jugs

I think we can all agree that the third option would be the best scenario.
Widdle Jeffy
May 9th, 2007 at 12:14 pm [Reply]

Tomorrow, Jeffy is going to go up to Thel and say “Daddy says I have to put my pee pee into his dolly or she will lose all her air.”
Wellsey
May 9th, 2007 at 12:15 pm [Reply]

Oki Merlot. (RMMD) Obviously she’s married to the long haired Frenchman in the background who was Heather’s husband’s business partner. Her maiden name was Oki Doki.

Vera (MW) Von obviously had no choice but to disown her after she joined KISS. So she has no reason to complain, she made her decision.

Mark Trail- Why do I have the sneaking suspicion Sam Hill’s solution was to kill everything to keep the birds away? I don’t think Mark’s going to be happy about this.
AAckTTpth
May 9th, 2007 at 12:17 pm [Reply]

Much more disturbing than Mustard on Hot Dog is the possibility of Jughead dating, especially after his declaration of singledom. Is the hat/crown/WTF finally doing it for him, and would we really want to see him date anyone who is attracted to that hat/crown/WTF. Thank [Margo] that Archie is not a story-line strip (too complicated for the AJGLU3000) and we will be spared the prospect of Jughead getting fon-kay.
Rebochan
May 9th, 2007 at 12:18 pm [Reply]

In Tom Batiuk’s defense, that’s a pretty sweet Batman poster he’s got.

Pitchforks away, men!
AAckTTpth
May 9th, 2007 at 12:18 pm [Reply]

Man, I need to refresh the comments before I post…
Shalen
May 9th, 2007 at 12:20 pm [Reply]

Before I got my hair buzzed short I used hair sticks a lot, too (or Bic pens, since most hair sticks were too thin for my hair). I’m extremely white, but they looked classier than rubber bands or barettes.

In other news, the Family Circus is suddenly far more frightening than ANY of the Omen movies…
BigTed
May 9th, 2007 at 12:22 pm [Reply]

I like the way the girl in the “Archie” comic has a “T” on her face to indicate that she’s wearing glasses, and big spots on her cheek to represent freckles. I assume those are supposed to show that, despite her hip booties and short-shorts, she’s just attractive enough to be willing to talk to Jughead, rather than being full-on Betty or Veronica hot.

Here’s my suggestion for tomorrow’s strip, in keeping with the “Archie” “sounds as if it should be a joke but isn’t” style:

Girl: I named my dog Mustard because she’s slow.
Jughead: What do you mean?
Girl: When I go running, she can’t ketchup.
Herro!
May 9th, 2007 at 12:25 pm [Reply]

I’ve used chopsticks to hold my hair up, but they were hair chopsticks, not eating chopsticks. Of course, I’ve also used pencils, I’ve tied it in a knot, and Monday I used a paper clip.
gh
May 9th, 2007 at 12:27 pm [Reply]

#43 PeteMoss

You’re a Plugger if you get outed by Pluggers.
Mibbitmaker
May 9th, 2007 at 12:30 pm [Reply]

Oki Merlot sounds like the name of one of Opus’s girlfriends in “Bloom County”.

At one point, Opus is so in love with her, he just desires to take a deep, loving look into his eyes and…….

Well, so much for that idea! “Damn Asian stereotype face!”, Opus grumbles.
Wellsey
May 9th, 2007 at 12:33 pm [Reply]

â€œThereâ€™s still humor,â€ Batiuk said. â€œItâ€™s a different kind of humor and youâ€™re working hard to create it, but itâ€™s still there at times.”

By saying that, he’s insinuating there was humor before. This is strictly untrue.
andreavis
May 9th, 2007 at 12:34 pm [Reply]

I’m no Asian (or occidentologist, for that matter) but I have occasionally rocked the chopstix-in-the-hair look. Usually it’s with decorative pointy sticks acquired at Claire’s Boutique, or pencils from my pencil cup, or in a pinch, knitting needles. I am a librarian, and required by law to keep my hair in a bun-able state at all times. Also, SHHHHHHH!
Perky Bird
May 9th, 2007 at 12:34 pm [Reply]

FW–So according to that article, Lisa is going to testify before Congress on the need for cancer research. Shouldn’t she instead testify about the horrible state of American health care, where doctors read the wrong scans and give you false hope, and then intimidate you so much you can’t complain and are forced to meekly accept their mix-up??
stinky pete
May 9th, 2007 at 12:36 pm [Reply]

If in Act I you have a pistol hanging on the wall, then it must fire in the last act – Anton Chekhov

If in the yesterthread you have a fine piece of snarkery posted to the blog, then it must be repeated at least 4 times in the current thread – George Bernard Shaw
Mibbitmaker
May 9th, 2007 at 12:37 pm [Reply]

#54: her eyes, dammit! That’s a whole other storyline!
PeteMoss
May 9th, 2007 at 12:38 pm [Reply]

A3G – Alan is actually speaking the word “sigh,” much like Vera did the other day in MW. What a loser. Even Charlie Brown had enough self-esteem to only put “sigh” in his thought balloons.
Rhekarid
May 9th, 2007 at 12:42 pm [Reply]

Supporting the demonic possession theory, I’ve never heard of a talking doll saying anything more sophisticated than “thinking too much gives you wrinkles,” and I’ve certainly never heard of a doll that tells you to do anything when you pull the string.
whoamItoday?
May 9th, 2007 at 12:42 pm [Reply]

another vote for hairsticks. My daughters have also used them, so that’s 2 more. We are so not Asian. But, a lot of their Asian friends do wear cheong ___, what do you call that dress again? and, as someone else said, art-school types of non-asians. The thing is designed for slim teenaged girls. Any curves throw the fit right off and the Asian girls really slammed the white girls with the wrong shape for attempting it. (it’s painful, but important to listen when driving car-pool. You have to hear a lot of bitchiness, but can pick up important details about your own kids when the crowd forgets for a moment whose mom is driving.)
kebhouse
May 9th, 2007 at 12:43 pm [Reply]

FW makes me want to take the chopsticks out of Oki Merlot’s her hair and gouge my eyes out. Can we PLEASE go back to the incest story line.
Dingo
May 9th, 2007 at 12:45 pm [Reply]

So, I’m leavin’ on a jet plane. Don’t know when I’ll be snarkin’ again. Oh, Josh, I’ll miss you so.

I see in today’s ‘mudgeon missive that Josh has also taken to calling Brynna by the name Brynna Antenna. I gave her that name back on March 21 in thread 997. Do you think I can mention this in the job interview? It would impress me but I don’t know about the staff at a college in Reno, Nevada. Should I make some guacamole?
Howard Erk
May 9th, 2007 at 12:45 pm [Reply]

Using chopsticks in your hair can get rid of nappy-headed problems.
PeteMoss
May 9th, 2007 at 12:46 pm [Reply]

“Mommy, I don’t have to listen to Dolly’s dolly. Teddy says Dolly is a lying harlot and I should cut out her tongue.”
Uncle Lumpy
May 9th, 2007 at 12:46 pm [Reply]

I can’t wait for Lisa Moore’s testimony before Congress: “I’m sick! Gimme, gimme, gimme!”
Dingo
May 9th, 2007 at 12:48 pm [Reply]

Oki Merlot. Oki Merlot. Someone is running from something. No one, short of a pornstar from Oklahoma or a former mole now in the witness protection program, would be named Oki Merlot. I can’t wait for them to introduce her fiancee, Cletus Chateaubriand.
gh
May 9th, 2007 at 12:49 pm [Reply]

#58 stinky pete

First, thanks for the Thorpe count yesterthread. I was sinking deeper and deeper into despair until I got to your comment. Second, I’m not sure exactly to what snarkery you are referring, but many a time and oft I’ve found one thread’s 1-100 count a virtual echo chamber of the previous one’s midnight to ?? gala. There’s naught for it but to pull down the brim on one’s hat and face into the gale.

And speaking of yesterthread, whoamItoday? needs a hug down near the bottom. Dammit! She’s far from home fending off the British single-handed!
fizzy logic
May 9th, 2007 at 12:49 pm [Reply]

#56 – andreavis – The deluxe version of the library action figure is now out. Just thought you might want to know. Still has the shushing action.
man behind the curtain
May 9th, 2007 at 12:51 pm [Reply]

To think that Avery International was able to gather its far-flung board of directors quicker than Heather could drive in from Rex’s house. Impressive.
Potato
May 9th, 2007 at 12:55 pm [Reply]

Wait a sec. There is and has been “humor” in Funky Winkerbean?! Next thing you’ll tell me is that Mary Worth is about an insightful woman who provides carefully thought out advice to persons whose lifes improve as a result.
dreadedcandiru2
May 9th, 2007 at 12:57 pm [Reply]

FW: I knew it. Darin’ll show up at her memorial service with the adoption records in his hands. The only question is if he’ll do anything with them.
Anonymous
May 9th, 2007 at 12:57 pm [Reply]

“Funky Winkerbean was born in 1972. Through the years, Batiuk has written about nonfunny subjects such as teen pregnancy (Lisa again), suicide, capital punishment, alcoholism, dating abuse and dyslexia.”

It’s true. Those are all very “nonfunny.” But let us not forget all the funny subjects like…er…um…pssh…[crickets chirping]
KC
May 9th, 2007 at 1:00 pm [Reply]

Here is a line about Funky Winkerbean from the chron: Through the years, Batiuk has written about nonfunny subjects such as teen pregnancy (Lisa again), suicide, capital punishment, alcoholism, dating abuse and dyslexia.
Which of these things doesn’t belong?
fizzy logic
May 9th, 2007 at 1:00 pm [Reply]

#62 & yesterthread – whoamItoday? – So very sorry to hear about your aunt. Cancer is horrible and not something to have shoved in our faces on a daily basis on the “funny” pages – I think Batuik is thinking he is un-demonizing it somehow. But really he is just reminding us of the horribleness of life. Every single day.
gkl
May 9th, 2007 at 1:02 pm [Reply]

A3G: I have to confess that I’m not a regular reader of the strip apart from when it comes up here, so I may be missing something. But when Joe’s talking about “that pretty little blonde,” he’s talking about himself, right?
Tukla in Iowa
May 9th, 2007 at 1:03 pm [Reply]

Humor in Funky Winkerbean? Now that’s funny!
David McGuire
May 9th, 2007 at 1:04 pm [Reply]

Jughead didn’t just RECENTLY announce he wishes to be single, he’s CONSTANTLY announced it for the past 50 years. Jughead’s entire personality is based on being asexual and eating hamburgers. Jughead having an interest in anything female is sick and wrong.

Clearly, that floating heat only goes one way and Nameless Girl is in for a world of disappointment and heartbreak.
MarrG
May 9th, 2007 at 1:04 pm [Reply]

That Houston Chronicle article is the first time I’ve ever heard of cancer being described as “a life-threatening adventure.” Puts a whole new light on the experience.
andreavis
May 9th, 2007 at 1:05 pm [Reply]

#70 fizzy logic– I own the regular librarian action figure– perhaps I’ll get the deluxe version and have a “Shush” Battle Royale at my desk. “SHHH!” “no, SHHHHHH! “
gh
May 9th, 2007 at 1:05 pm [Reply]

â€œThereâ€™s still humor,â€ Batiuk said. â€œItâ€™s a different kind of humor and youâ€™re working hard to create it, but itâ€™s still there at times.”

Obviously a typo. For “humor,” read “tumor.”

Bastard.
Lurker
May 9th, 2007 at 1:07 pm [Reply]

#73– presumably try to take a dna sample from the corpse.
Saxman
May 9th, 2007 at 1:09 pm [Reply]

Mark Trail

http://www.chron.com/apps/comics/showComick.mpl?date=20070509&name=Mark_Trail

I haven’t figured out Sam’s nefarious plot yet, but I can tell she is no naturalist! First, any bird that subsists on worms is most likely a tiny song bird that wouldn’t cause a Tripacer to choke after impact.

Second, no naturalist has used the term “swamp” since about 1980 (and I’m betting even back then, they wouldn’t say “swamp area.”) “Wetlands” is ever so much more PC.

I’m thinking she is going to fake her death, maybe in an ironic collision with a landing airplane. Careful readers will have noticed that she has been arranging an eyebolt attached to her bra. I’m thinking something involving pulleys and cables that pull her out of the way and substitute 85 pounds of hamburger meat.

At least investigators are nearby, at the aurport motel gathering klews.
takeme!
May 9th, 2007 at 1:09 pm [Reply]

We havenâ€™t gotten a June Morgan ta-ta shot since April 21 (some would say since April 18). Not that Iâ€™m keeping score or anything.
willethompson
May 9th, 2007 at 1:10 pm [Reply]

Oki Merlot, from her autobiography ‘Oki Merlot Uncorked…’

No one was hiring half French/half Japanese business majors the year I graduated from Harvard. Fortunately, my minor was in pole dancing. and I soon found work in a bar outside of Cambridge called “It’s All Crimson On The Inside…”

I worked the first night using my own name (Mariko Chardonney), but one of the other girls was using ‘Sauci Chardonnay’ and threatened to scoop my eyes out with a melon baller (her real name was Martha Kostyra and her schtick was to come out in a toque and an apron flicking a whisk). I tried ‘Buckaroo Bonzai’ the next night but got a C&D the next day Fedex from some Hollywood lawyer. So I just went with Oki Merlot – I saw it on a lunch menu and it seemed to work better than Jambon Crepe…

I remember it being a slow night. A bunch of lumpy psychology Ph.Ds were in Boston for a convention and were slumming along the Red Line. They were also totally Descartesian and wouldn’t touch anything. I was giving a lap dance to some drunken Limey and instead of a $20, he tried to slip several folded sheets of heavy paper into my G-string. And if you think a paper cut on your finger hurts like hell…

The paper turned out to be 20,000 class A shares of some startup called Avery International. The idiot had assigned them to Oki Merlot, so that became my nom de guerre in more ways that one…

Even though I owned only 3.4 % of Avery International, I owned a much larger share of Avery, Milton. “I married a NANNY,” he’d wail as he played with my chopsticks. He liked me for my education, but even more for my shoe collection. Then we’d play his little game, although it did creep me out when he’d dress as Queen Elizabeth and do that weird all-wrist wave…
The Spectacular Spider-Brick
May 9th, 2007 at 1:11 pm [Reply]

I demand an FW-TDIET mashup, “They’ll Metastasize Every Time”:

Panel 1: A wimpy, bespectacled teacher is chewed out by an exasperated father.
Caption: Dr. Flubbo expects perfection from his kid’s teacher, Mr. Kanser…
Dr. Flubbo: “Whaddya mean, you mixed up my kid’s test with someone else’s? ‘Honest mistake’ my keister! I’m gonna have you up before the School Board! Why, I’ll yadda, yadda… charges… blah, blah, etc.!!”

Panel 2: The father, now wearing a lab coat and a huge reflector on his forehead marking him as a doctor, is consulting in his office with a young woman with short, patchy hair.
Caption: But when it’s time to talk test results with the teach’s wife… Bro-THER, is the shoe on the other foot NOW! Oh-h-h-h-h, yea-a-a-ah!
Dr. Flubbo: “Heh… so sorry, Mrs. Kanser… it seems there was a mixup in the lab, and you’ve got six months to live! Hey, what’s done is done, right? Let’s let sleeping bygones lie…! What say?”
Label pointing to an obviously furious Mrs. Kanser: The Urge to “Excise” Him
Saxman
May 9th, 2007 at 1:11 pm [Reply]

FC

Today’s strip is even more chilling when you realize that the doll is one of those talking Ann Coulter action figures.
Anonymous
May 9th, 2007 at 1:11 pm [Reply]

Man, I never heard of a cartoonist who hated his charachters that much, except for lynn johnston….Who does only by virtue of the foobs sucking so much
Saxman
May 9th, 2007 at 1:15 pm [Reply]

A3G

Wouldn’t it be suspenseful, yet surprising if Alan and Gabriella both rush to save Lu Ann, meet at the door to her building, stare in each other’s eyes, fall instantly in love, and head for the nearest convenient hotel?

I’m just saying.

I’m still hoping the docent at the art gallery will save her.

At least *something* would happen.

Say, isn’t it just about time to switch back to Tommie’s boyfriends for a few weeks?
Archie Andrews
May 9th, 2007 at 1:17 pm [Reply]

The weird part is, Jughead is falling in love with Mustard.
Colinski
May 9th, 2007 at 1:17 pm [Reply]

#56:

“Occidentologist” would be taken to mean someone who studies the West, not the East. Dontcha hate when you use big words trying to sound smart and accidentally use a related, similar-sounding, but completely wrong word?
Draktyr
May 9th, 2007 at 1:18 pm [Reply]

RMMD – anyone else catch the pre-Giella Mary Worth lurking in the background of the boardroom, seemlingly ready to pounce in with a platitude at a moment’s notice.
Saxman
May 9th, 2007 at 1:21 pm [Reply]

Doonesbury

http://www.chron.com/apps/comics/showComic.mpl?date=2007/5/9&name=Doonesbury

I know we don’t talk about Doonesbury much here, but today’s strip is definitely a keeper.

Itâ€™s sobering to realize that no matter how sarcastic and snarky I get, I am still merely an amateur, and GT is a *professional*…
emby
May 9th, 2007 at 1:21 pm [Reply]

#40 Gryph- Eric is SO keeping Lu Ann drugged to spit out mediocre paintings, but he’s gonna take it one step further- those paintings will be worth a lot more when the artist suffers a tragic death…

I can’t think of any other rational explanation for her sudden trip to death’s door.
stinky pete
May 9th, 2007 at 1:21 pm [Reply]

At 1:55 PM ET, Avery (AVY) is up 1.26% in NYSE trading. Looks like the market is cautiously optimistic about the prospects of the Oki/Heather axis.

Since this story arc began, AVY has lost 5.5% even as the overall market is up over 6%. I guess Hugh Avery really was a key man for this firm.
Eleusis
May 9th, 2007 at 1:22 pm [Reply]

What the hell is our lovely pseudo-French Dragon Lady doing hanging around a boardroom in a cheongsam with a slit all the way up the thigh? That’s not appropriate business attire. It’s appropriate attire for… well, I can’t think of where, exactly, but I think it ends in ‘massage parlour’.
PeteMoss
May 9th, 2007 at 1:23 pm [Reply]

87. The Spectacular Spider-Brick

Bwahahahah..(cough, cough)…hahah…(wheeez)..ha!
Dennis Jimenez
May 9th, 2007 at 1:25 pm [Reply]

97 – i.e. – Happy ending.
Pelagius
May 9th, 2007 at 1:26 pm [Reply]

“Through the years, Batiuk has written about nonfunny subjects such as teen pregnancy (Lisa again), suicide, capital punishment, alcoholism, dating abuse and dyslexia.”

Sorry, but how exactly do you tell the ‘nonfunny’ Funky Winkerbean strips from the ‘funny’ ones?
PeteMoss
May 9th, 2007 at 1:26 pm [Reply]

Wasn’t there a female character in Archie comics that was in love with Jughead and would chase him around? Looked kinda like Mrs. Grundy’s daugher or something?
cheech wizard
May 9th, 2007 at 1:31 pm [Reply]

Archie – Begone, cheap hussy! Jughead’s true love is none other than Big Ethel! Though I guess it was pretty much a one-way street, since Jug never reciprocated her affections.

Besides, this strip would have been much funnier if the ALGU3000 had named her dog “mayonnaise.”
Francis
May 9th, 2007 at 1:31 pm [Reply]

Just when I thought everything disturbing about Archie had been fully catalogued, I notice that the characters’ feet are ABNORMALLY TINY. Seriously, when did Jughead take up foot-binding?
Phil
May 9th, 2007 at 1:32 pm [Reply]

The Holy Crest of the Family Jughead portrays:

1) Two dogs, representing Hot Dog and Mustard
2) A nerdy chick, representing Insatiable Lust
3) Jughead himself, Pretender to the throne of the Burger King
4) A floating bone (see #2)

and

5) The Sacred Heart of Jesus, just to hedge bets
Gabe
May 9th, 2007 at 1:32 pm [Reply]

My wife, who is asian, has been known to do the chopstick thing.

Next time I’ll get on her case for being a horrible stereotype.
Pedant Patrol
May 9th, 2007 at 1:33 pm [Reply]

#92 Colinski

I believe the “or” implies neither east nor west, so let’s assume it was intentional, shall we? And you’ve got a piece of spinach stuck between your teeth.
Gabe
May 9th, 2007 at 1:35 pm [Reply]

Pete: Big Ethel, yes.

Also, there was a live action TV movie where the Archie gang had a high school reunion, Jughead was a divorced single dad and Ethel filled out and became a model. I do believe it was implied that they hooked up.

Dammit, why do I remember such things?
fizzy logic
May 9th, 2007 at 1:40 pm [Reply]

#106 – Pedant Patrol – haha! Well played!
Phil
May 9th, 2007 at 1:41 pm [Reply]

Things I keep in my hair:

1) Salad Fork
2) Switchblade
3) Almanac
4) Lice
5) Lemuel Gulliver
6) Smokes
AppleGirl
May 9th, 2007 at 1:41 pm [Reply]

FW – Griffith Park is burning, and I’m feeling blue. Lisa’s cancer is the last thing I need to see on the comics page. Yes, I have friends who battled cancer. Some won, some lost. Yes, there were tragic mixups in the healthcare system. There was absolutely nothing funny there. My heart breaks. Don’t make me relive these ordeals. I’ve been following the relentless FW for a couple of months, but I no longer have the strength.

I think it’s great that Batuik is shooting for accolades from the cancer society. Heck, I hope he gets a nobel prize if that’s what he wants, but I can’t bear to look at FW in the comics pages anymore.
Trotzenbonnie
May 9th, 2007 at 1:42 pm [Reply]

#269 – AhClem (from the last thread)
Yes! Yes! Yes!
Thank you for noticing the reference to my new hero, Ignatius J Reilly. If only he were here today. I’m sure he would bring the right kind of insanity to post-Katrina N.O.
PeteMoss
May 9th, 2007 at 1:48 pm [Reply]

107#

OMG! Gabe’s right.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Archie:_To_Riverdale_and_Back_Again
Pedant Patrol
May 9th, 2007 at 1:49 pm [Reply]

#108 fizzy logic

It’s a job like any other, walking the beat. By the way, I just like saying fizzy logic.
AppleGirl
May 9th, 2007 at 1:50 pm [Reply]

110, 106, 92 – I think the comics are making us all a bit crabby today. Shall we instead discuss what we’re all wearing to the Shawna-Marie wedding? And what kinds of cars we’ll be arriving in? When IS that wedding, anyway?
PeteMoss
May 9th, 2007 at 1:55 pm [Reply]

114 AppleGirl

I’m wearing the same tux Jon was wearing this week in Garfield. Same color, too. It might not fit me as well as it does Jon.
Doola!
May 9th, 2007 at 1:57 pm [Reply]

So what happens when Jughead and his new dream-girl meet someone else with a dog named Relish?
jvwalt
May 9th, 2007 at 1:57 pm [Reply]

#100 Pelagius: “Sorry, but how exactly do you tell the â€˜nonfunnyâ€™ Funky Winkerbean strips from the â€˜funnyâ€™ ones?”

In the “nonfunny” ones, the characters have a look of vacant despair on their faces. In the “funny” ones, the vacant despair is leavened by the tiniest possible smile.

I believe that when FW began, it was a fairly typical teen strip — a poor man’s “Zits,” if you will. Then Batiuk started aging his characters and giving them real-world problems. Now, FW is sort of a poor man’s FBOFW. Now that’s a scary prospect to contemplate.
Portia
May 9th, 2007 at 1:58 pm [Reply]

Vera has the Mark of the Beast on her forehead. Oh wait, it’s a right-side up star.

So she’s just unexlainably creepy, I suppose. It’s not that much weirder than her unsettling ponytail, if you think about it. Vera is probably what Luann of A3G looks like to people outside the world of A3G.
fizzy logic
May 9th, 2007 at 2:00 pm [Reply]

#113 – Pedant Patrol – Bringing civility and humanity back to the internets is a job to be proud of. If I only knew who you were, I’d send you a cyber kiss on the cheek, or a silent hug.
Archie Andrews
May 9th, 2007 at 2:01 pm [Reply]

So what happens when Jughead and his new dream-girl meet someone else with a dog named Relish?

menage a dogs?
Pedant Patrol
May 9th, 2007 at 2:02 pm [Reply]

#114 AppleGirl

Speak for yourself. Oh. I guess you did. Heh-heh. Anyway, my transfer papers came in, so you can forward my mail to crabbyass.com. See you at the wedding (I’ll be the guy out front ticketing anyone parked in the red zone).
Hogen Mogen
May 9th, 2007 at 2:11 pm [Reply]

I heard Oki Merlot was dating Dell Reisling until he found out that she had an affair with Hewlett Bordeux.
Theominousoat
May 9th, 2007 at 2:14 pm [Reply]

I’m imagining someone typing “LOVE” into the Archie laugh-o-matic. As the wheels grind and churn, the cold, logical robotic mind attempted graps this mystery of love.

The result was a comic about naming dogs after food items. Well done laugh-o-matic, well done.
Anon
May 9th, 2007 at 2:15 pm [Reply]

I think that Oki Merlot might merit [a] look.
GotFuzzy
May 9th, 2007 at 2:16 pm [Reply]

As for the Shawna-Marie nuptials, I’ll be wearing a cheongsam and some Brynna-sticks, now that my hair is long enough. I’ll be driving a Scadutomobile, providing I can get it out of the 1940s. Has anyone checked her bridal registry? I’m thinking about getting her a sap bucket.

I forgot to mention yesterday that one of the clues in the Washington Post online crossword puzzle was “Roadside.” Four letters meant that the aswer could not be “Becky,” “Beckers,” “Rebeccah,” “gig” or “roundheel.” I filled in “slut” but it was really “curb.” *sigh*
Tukla in Iowa
May 9th, 2007 at 2:16 pm [Reply]

I’m beginning to think that isn’t so much a ponytail on Vera’s head as an actual vestigial tail. On her head.
PeteMoss
May 9th, 2007 at 2:18 pm [Reply]

122. HM

Aldo Chianti warned Del Reisling that Marie Pino Noir told him she saw Oki Merlot with Smoky Cabernet at the Barrel in Napa.
Pedant Patrol
May 9th, 2007 at 2:20 pm [Reply]

#119 fizzy logic

You are too kind, ma’am. I’m shipping out now, but I’ll keep your comment folded in my wallet to remind me of our brief encounter.
Rebecca
May 9th, 2007 at 2:21 pm [Reply]

Not chopsticks, you fool, hairsticks. They are useful hair implements, actually, easy to use and pretty. You don’t see them so much anymore, though, probably because you need hair of a certain length for them to work.
PeteMoss
May 9th, 2007 at 2:21 pm [Reply]

I’m looking forward to the eventual cheonogasm.
Mek
May 9th, 2007 at 2:22 pm [Reply]

Long time lurker, first time poster.

That said…

FW: I’m waiting for the day Batuik kills everyone in the strip. Why? Because it just seems like something he’d do just to spite the readers.
PeteMoss
May 9th, 2007 at 2:23 pm [Reply]

129 Rebecca

Will TSA let you board a plane with those things?
Harry Worth
May 9th, 2007 at 2:24 pm [Reply]

The only appropriate wedding gift from a curmudgeon is crystal doves from the dollar store.
Uncle Lumpy
May 9th, 2007 at 2:25 pm [Reply]

#86 wille -

Ouch!
PeteMoss
May 9th, 2007 at 2:32 pm [Reply]

131 Mek

Death would be much too merciful, affording release from Batiuk’s twisted world. No, he has many more plagues to impose upon his creations. Boils, flesh-eating disease, spiders living in their ears, CIA torture camps, reruns of Full House, meteorites, spontaneous human combustion (non-fatal), impotence, malaria, Gil Thorp-hair…The list could go on and on. No, no, there will be no simple exit for these tortured souls. Only an endless, painful existence, filled with knowing smirks.
DarkAudit
May 9th, 2007 at 2:32 pm [Reply]

13 & 131…

I had *three* words: Global Thermonuclear War, but as Mek pointed out, that’s playing right into his hands.

It’s time that someone told Mr. Batuik that his nice padded room at Shady Acres is ready.
Analyzer
May 9th, 2007 at 2:32 pm [Reply]

130+ comments and no Family Circus/”Talky Tina” jokes? I am ashamed of this board.
gh
May 9th, 2007 at 2:33 pm [Reply]

#129 Rebecca

They may be easy to use and pretty, but can you work them like a claw?
Benicillin
May 9th, 2007 at 2:35 pm [Reply]

Is the Spiderman daily so shitty that Mary Jane jumped ship for Judge Parker? Then again, Randy West is there too.

And must Harry Scarpelli and Craig Boldman really display their names so prominently on the Archie strip like it’s a masterpiece? Did it take both of them to devise the witty banter and the groundbreaking artwork? And will they have arguments over the next twenty years about who really was the genius behind the production ala Lennon & McCartney? Can they please both be buried in the same grave so they can have their names scrawled together on the same headstone? By tomorrow?
Applemask
May 9th, 2007 at 2:36 pm [Reply]

“Winkerbean Character Faces Battle With Breat Cancer”.

What, AGAIN? HOLY MOTHER OF JESUS WHY
PeteMoss
May 9th, 2007 at 2:36 pm [Reply]

137 Analyzer

Talking Tina was mentioned earlier in this thread and in yesterthread. Even Telly Savales got a mention.
MossMoses
May 9th, 2007 at 2:37 pm [Reply]

Since I lived in China for years, I feel compelled to say from personal experience that Chinese women there and in Hong Kong only break out the qipao dress for special occasions and it would not be appropriate attire for a board meeting, let alone the chopstick hairstyle. Perhaps Nolan should have consulted with Dr. Ling before creating and attiring Oki Merlot. I know she is supposed to be westernized but the way she is typecast they should call her Hop Sing or Wong Wei instead of Merlot.
Professor Fate
May 9th, 2007 at 2:40 pm [Reply]

FW: listen I’m as depressive and as passive as the next person in real life – however if someone’s orgaization was so bone headed to get my scan confused with someone else’s the last damn I would do would to trust them again with anything to do with my health. I mean this is a doctor this isn’t a parent. You wonder what else did they screw up yes? The next time they dealt with me they would be hearing from my lawyer.

And I though FBOFW was ham handed.
Calexio
May 9th, 2007 at 2:41 pm [Reply]

I am somewhat ashamed to say that I felt a moment of kinship with our youthful male protagonist in ‘Zits’ today. The inability of my own parents to work a DVD player is epic. They have actually phoned me twice while I was out at a restraunt to ask how to work it. Twice in the same evening.

That being said, jokes about ‘old folks’ and technology have not been funny in… well, forever.
Fence Post Frank
May 9th, 2007 at 2:47 pm [Reply]

RMMD is full of central casting stereotypes.
1) Asain queen
2) Little Old Lady Shareholder a.k.a. Mary Worth
3) Eccentric White Hair Science Guy
4) Brown Suit Banker Guy
5) Countless more
Camwyn
May 9th, 2007 at 2:47 pm [Reply]

Five dollars says that Darren finds his birth mother just in time to give her a VITAL LIFE SAVING BONE MARROW TRANSPLANT so that Batiuk can have his character courageously facing a regimen of immunosuppressant drugs and their side effects.
MonkeyHawk
May 9th, 2007 at 2:48 pm [Reply]

As I recall, FW did not evolve. After several years of teen angst (the Hall Monitor with a machine gun, the Battles of the Marching Bands with it always raining, band candy fundraising, and the Scapegoats always losing to Walnut Tech) it all-of-a-sudden shifted 20 years into the future/present.

I sort of recall Batiuk at the time admitting that he was no longer in touch with the teenage experience and was following his target demographic to more adult (in a nice way, I mean) story lines.

Once again Batiuk is about 20 years older than his characters.
Mountain Mama
May 9th, 2007 at 2:49 pm [Reply]

You know, my sense of humor is as wicked and twisted as the next guy’s, but domestic violence is never funny.

What?

Cancer?

Oh! Sorry! Oh, yeah, cancer’s a riot! Sickness from chemo and radiation treatments, huge hospital bills, uncertainty, surgeries….it’s a gold mine! Bring it on, Batiuk! Let the laughter begin!
Uncle Lumpy
May 9th, 2007 at 2:52 pm [Reply]

#143 Prof. F. -

Yeah, you can’t be such a damn doormat when your life is at stake. Here’s a doc who withholds information until she decides you’re ready for it, and whose staff mishandles your medical records.

I’d be out the door and interviewing other oncologists real fast.
Hobbes Fan
May 9th, 2007 at 2:52 pm [Reply]

TDIET

http://www.chron.com/apps/comics/showComick.mpl?date=20070509&name=TDIE

I am so having problems with this one. To the strip’s credit, the first panel is a slightly understandable annoyance despite the goofy names for what were probably serious life-threatening medical ailments. Sometimes a doctor can talk right over a patient’s head.

But what the hell is going on in the second half? First, what universe is this? What restaurant is set up to have well-dressed couples enjoy a fine-dining setting with an impeccably dressed besuited waiter tending to them on one side, and a greasy spoon diner on the other? Is this part of a new high-concept theme restaurant? Or is this some ill-conceived Americanized version of the traditional Japanese hibachi restaurants that prepare your food right in front of you?

And what decade is this now? What waiter still barks back slang versions of orders over his shoulder? What is he, Rizzo the Rat in “The Muppets Take Manhattan?” Besides, isn’t the slip he wrote on supposed to take care of conveying the order to the cook?

Finally, what exactly is the joke here? That employees in a business sometimes use shorthand to relay things back and forth to each other, yet these same people can’t understand extensive medical lingo? I don’t get it. How often does that supposed annoyance come up, and how can that possibly enrage someone enough to submit it for this cartoon?

“Sheesh, they called my Sausage McMuffin with Egg a ‘SME’…bet they wouldn’t even understand it if they were told they had cancer! O-h-h yeah!”
SecretMargo
May 9th, 2007 at 2:52 pm [Reply]

86 wille: I have nothing more to add. That is beautiful. (…Uncorked! HA!)
Modo
May 9th, 2007 at 2:57 pm [Reply]

Clearly Oki Merlot is the heir to the Okidata printer fortune, if there is one….
Hogen Mogen
May 9th, 2007 at 3:00 pm [Reply]

The AJLGU 3000 generated a story line. I was almost scared of machines taking over the Earth for a moment there, until I realized that hopeless-guy-meets-girl plot has already been used by a similar laugh-generating-unit, in Garfield. The GLGU 3000 hasn’t worked quite right ever since. So, I imagine that if the AJLGU 3000 moves with a Jughead romance arc, the intense heat caused by overloading the CPU will irreparably damage the system.

And, as long as I’m on the topic, why is Jon dressed up like a clown supposed to be freaking everyone out? He dressed like a clown on every date for as long as I remember. Back in ‘91, he went to a high school reunion dressed in his plaid suit with polka dot tie – only the tie was a necktie, no a bowtie. I guess that became part of the GLGU 1000’s program sometime around 10-15 years ago.
Analyzer
May 9th, 2007 at 3:01 pm [Reply]

141 Pete Moss

Ah, I see it now. I searched this page for “Tina” but neglected to look for more oblique references.

*sob* I take it all back! I love you guys!
SecretMargo
May 9th, 2007 at 3:01 pm [Reply]

152: I think you mean Okitada, although “Oki Data” was suggested earlier (last thread?) as a possible maiden name. In the face of willethompson’s exigesis (86), though, this theory was discarded, as there was clearly no time at which she was a maiden.
Lynngineering
May 9th, 2007 at 3:01 pm [Reply]

Josh – the comediene Margaret Cho in her return to stand-up after the troubles with her TV sitcom (All American Girl or some such title) discussed how the TV powers-that-be hired an “Asian consultant” for her, whose suggestions were exactly on the level of always eat with chopsticks no matter what, and afterwards “you can put them in your hair!”

Apt 3G: Yes, that’s really an authentic hat, if you are a 1950s soda jerk. Update your clip art.
Motorposus
May 9th, 2007 at 3:01 pm [Reply]

#68 – Dingo, correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t chateaubriand a cut of beef? Maybe you were thinking of Cletus Chateau neuf du Pape.
queek
May 9th, 2007 at 3:03 pm [Reply]

better an Oki Merlot than a cheap syrah. que?
Loopina
May 9th, 2007 at 3:04 pm [Reply]

When cartoon strips start out, they have normal names for their characters like Rex, June, Mary, LuAnn.

But as time goes on, and they are in the board room you come up with doozies like Loopina, or Scaduato, or Oki Merlot.
uncle balustrade
May 9th, 2007 at 3:08 pm [Reply]

FC: If you stare at the blank wall behind Jeffy and his Mom long enough, subliminal flashes of demonic faces (a la “The Exorcist”) begin to appear. Well, not really, but it’s fun to think about.
SecretMargo
May 9th, 2007 at 3:08 pm [Reply]

155: OOPS! You do mean Okidata, I take it all back. (Okitada is a Japanese last name, Okidata is an amalgam of Oki æ²– and the English word data, so it threw me).

I don’t take back the maiden thing, though. Ms. Merlot.
Hogen Mogen
May 9th, 2007 at 3:09 pm [Reply]

I don’t know what everyone else is talking about. Accidentally switched lab results! Ha ha ha! What a comedy of errors! Those crazy doctor people. You never know what they’ll do next! Woo-hoo! Some other person got Lisa’s test results – and they shit the purple cupcake!! Oh, Lisa’s gonna die, sure, but (hee-hee!) what a wild ride it will be!
cheech wizard
May 9th, 2007 at 3:13 pm [Reply]

In panel 3, why are Jughead and his new love interest proportioned like six–year-olds? What is this, One Big Happy Riverdale?

Besides, this is Jughead we’re talking about here. The only one who’s going to get his pinkie wet from this encounter is Hot Dog.
Motorposus
May 9th, 2007 at 3:13 pm [Reply]

The “humor” in Funky will come from a new character who until recently thought she had only months left to live. Turns out her scans were mixed up with someone else’s, and she’s actually as healthy as a horse. Relieved as hell and giggling uncontrollably, the new character can’t stop buying rounds of beer for everyone in Funkyville.
Wally LimpingBean
May 9th, 2007 at 3:16 pm [Reply]

#162 Hogen Mogen It is a riot.

Especially when they do a (DT)GT crossover and the phone princess will find out that the months spent in the hospital and all that painful and nauseating chemo were all for naught.

HAAAAA HAAAAA HAAAAAAAAAA!

Lisa and Les are supposed to be bright, didn’t they ever think of getting a second opinion [insert interobang here] They are the biggest [boxcars] in the comix world.
Hogen Mogen
May 9th, 2007 at 3:21 pm [Reply]

#55 – Wellsey says:
â€œThereâ€™s still humor,â€ Batiuk said. â€œItâ€™s a different kind of humor and youâ€™re working hard to create it, but itâ€™s still there at times.â€

Yeah, there’s humor. You just have to look hard for it. And don’t expect to laugh at it. And don’t think that it won’t be nearly enough to compensate for the misery created by negative plot developments. And don’t expect anything funny or comical. And by “humor”, Batiuk means “soul crushing depression”.

Next interview Batiuk will say “Did I say humor? I meant tumor!“
Wally LimpingBean
May 9th, 2007 at 3:26 pm [Reply]

Here is the story. The truth is out there. CNN
Paperback Rifler
May 9th, 2007 at 3:28 pm [Reply]

164. I can’t see that happening; after all, happiness is abhorrent to Batiuk — remember how happy Lisa was when she thought that her scans were cancer-free? She’s gonna pay for it now!

I think that the person whose completely cancer-free scans got mixed up with Lisa’s cancer-overflowing scans would probably give up all hope and hang herself; and as her lifeless, cancer-free body hangs heavily from her shower fixture, the phone in the next room is ringing as the doctor’s office is trying to call her to tell her that her scans didn’t show any cancer after all. And though she’s dead, she’ll probably manage a smirk.
Cafangdra
May 9th, 2007 at 3:28 pm [Reply]

I could be wrong but I swear that Chron article about Batiuk is a reprint from the first time Lisa’s cancer returned. I remember specific phrases from the first time I read it. I don’t think it’s a new article about this “oops, wrong scans lol cancer” storyline so much as it is the Chron being lazy.
Mr. Coffee Nerves
May 9th, 2007 at 3:29 pm [Reply]

Motorposus
The â€œhumorâ€ in Funky will come from a new character who until recently thought she had only months left to live. Turns out her scans were mixed up with someone elseâ€™s, and sheâ€™s actually as healthy as a horse. Relieved as hell and giggling uncontrollably, the new character canâ€™t stop buying rounds of beer for everyone in Funkyville.

Given Batiuk’s usual way of doing things, I can’t help but imagine that we WILL see this character given a “wacky mix-up” death sentence, but instead of showing her relief at being spared, we’ll be shown her before being told the truth about her prognosis doing one of the following:

Immolating herself
Setting killer bees free in a day care center
Punching a nun in the face
Tearfully screaming that she CAN believe it’s not butter
Dingo
May 9th, 2007 at 3:31 pm [Reply]

No, Motorposus, I was using Cletus Chateaubriand because a woman built like Oki Merlot would have a boyfriend who was a prime cut of beef â€” similar to Cedric the Butler but uncircumcised. Pick her up in his freshly-washed truck for their date and take her out near the old quarry where he’d tell her stories of his high school exploits with his buddies and admit that he always wanted a girlfriend but was shy. And then, they’ll make love as though love had never been made before and they were the inventors of the human key and lock combination and at the moment of climax she’ll scream out her grandmother’s name but he won’t know because he doesn’t understand Cantonese and he’ll make a sound like a crazed circus bear strapped to a chair and forced to watch ABC’s National Bingo Night and the birds will scatter, the palm trees sway, and the Republicans burrow into their nests.

I said what I meant.
AppleGirl
May 9th, 2007 at 3:33 pm [Reply]

Okay, I am in a much better mood now that I found the perfect dress to wear to the Shawna-Marie wedding!

http://i23.ebayimg.com/05/i/08/65/15/e0_1.JPG

I’m assuming that’s the FRONT of the dress, right? I just love the wrinkled acetate look, and I can also wear the dress again to the RenFest. I’ll be happily spending the rest of the day making magenta butt-bows to add to it.
gh
May 9th, 2007 at 3:33 pm [Reply]

#164 Motorposus

And driving home drunk she T-bones a van full of school children and they all go up in ball of flames. But get this — it’s not her car! It belongs to her sourpuss boss! And as the insurance agent explains to him that his policy has lapsed, he gives him a wry smirk and says, “At least you won’t have to ‘fire’ her!” BWAHAHAHA!!
Wellsey
May 9th, 2007 at 3:34 pm [Reply]

159 Loopina, But look what happens when they try to use simple names. You get Sam Hill in Mark Trail (or the other way around). There are no happy mediums. (Except for Dolly.)
Decidedly So
May 9th, 2007 at 3:35 pm [Reply]

TDIET – God, there’s nowhere in my neighborhood where I can get a really good Bathmat ‘n’ Shrinkers….
gh
May 9th, 2007 at 3:37 pm [Reply]

#171 Dingo

Don’t you have a plane to catch? And good luck in Reno!
Skullturf Q. Beavispants
May 9th, 2007 at 3:37 pm [Reply]

Today’s TDIET reminds me of a great Don Martin cartoon in Mad Magazine. As best as I can remember it, it went something like this. Anyone remember this one?

The setting: One of those old-timey greasy spoon restaurants where the staff talks in diner-speak.

First panel: A waitress gives an order to the cook: “Cold pig on a green sea! Dust the roof, and hold the pom-pom!”

Second panel: The cook quickly throws together a bunch of items, puts them on a plate, and hands it to the server, repeating the order, “Cold pig on a green sea! Dust the roof, and hold the pom-pom!”

Third panel: Another waitress gives an order to the cook. “American Charlie with red pants! Burn fifty, and no name tag!”

Fourth panel: The cook grabs a bunch of ingredients, combines them into something, and then gives the food to the server, repeating the order “American Charlie with red pants! Burn fifty, and no name-tag!”

Fifth panel: A guy wearing a hat who looks rushed and angry, and who must be one of the customers in the diner, shouts at the cook, “Where’s the men’s room, Mac? Gotta go, and no foolin’!”

Sixth panel: you guessed it, the cook throws together a bunch of ingredients to create a dish whose name he announces as: “Where’s the men’s room, Mac! Gotta go, and no foolin’!”
Cafangdra
May 9th, 2007 at 3:38 pm [Reply]

…although the CNN article in 167 appears to be new.

And I don’t know why but I feel like Batiuk is a big ol’ exploitative creep. He has a brush with cancer and survives so he has to torture one of his characters (to death, probably) with a totally different kind of cancer and this is important for some reason…? I don’t know. It makes me feel icky.
Uncle Lumpy
May 9th, 2007 at 3:41 pm [Reply]

#161 Secret Margo -

Yeah, that name threw me, too. Forget “Merlot”, which could be just a marital indiscretion – what kind of a Japanese first name is “Oki”?

Short-o “oki” (ãŠã) works as “offshore” (æ²–ã) – is that something like “roadside”? Could also be “embers” (ç‡ƒãˆå·®ã—). But where’s the diminutive “ko” (å) suffix? It’s pretty unusual for a Japanese woman’s name not to end in å. I could buy æ²–ãå in a stretch.

Long-o “ooki” (ãŠã…ãã„) opens up lots of alternatives, particularly “big” (å¤§ãã„). And “Big Red” works, both in FW and Steve Canyon. But you would still expect the å.

RMMD could have rejected “Koko” (Koko Merlot!) as having simian overtones, but “Yuko”, “Kiko”, and just about any (consonant)(vowel)-ko combination is right there for them.

Jeez.
Motorposus
May 9th, 2007 at 3:42 pm [Reply]

#171 – His friends call him Cletus Tenderloin.
Teem
May 9th, 2007 at 3:45 pm [Reply]

Nobody has asked this but why in the world would Rex and the bodacius June Morgan invest in some crappy third rate airline?
Don’t they have better things to do with their money?
Somebody should fire their investment counsellor–really. He probably was fantasizing about June’s ta-tas when he bought that stock.
LemonFace7
May 9th, 2007 at 3:46 pm [Reply]

Note how many times Samantha “Sam” Hill says the word “attract” in today’s strip. “The first thing we did was to learn why birds were ATTRACTED to this area” … “the expansion cracks in the runway were ATTRACTING birds” … “Some of the birds were ATTRACTED here by a nearby landfill.”

With that in mind, I think we all know what she means by the “swamp area” near the “runway.”
fizzy logic
May 9th, 2007 at 3:51 pm [Reply]

#129 – Rebecca – I’ve heard – and used – the terms chopsticks and hairsticks pretty interchangably when describing those darn sticks that are used in your hair. Probably not necessary to call anyone a fool regarding it, especially when it’s fairly clear what they mean. Good thing the Pedant Patrol just ended his shift!
fizzy logic
May 9th, 2007 at 3:52 pm [Reply]

We are all cranky today!
Chryss
May 9th, 2007 at 3:54 pm [Reply]

I’d like to point out that over on Television Without Pity, when Sandra Lee wears chopsticks in her hair, it’s immediately called out as “Hair Chopsticks of Cultural Insensitivity.”
Non-Shannon
May 9th, 2007 at 3:55 pm [Reply]

171 Dingo:

WOOOHOOO! Yeah!!! I look forward to your impromptu bouts of depraved storytelling. The combination of southern gothic masterpiece and smutty dimestore romance always keeps me lusting for more. I heart Dingo!
Galactic Emperor ChennuxÂ©â„¢Â®
May 9th, 2007 at 4:01 pm [Reply]

ATTENTION EARTHERS! CLUTCH YOUR CRINOLINES IN MISERY! CHENNUX SPEAKS!

CHENNUX IS AMUSED WITH THE WAY EARTHERS DO BUSINESS! CHENNUX’S MAGACANNONS ARE SERVICED UNDER CONTRACT WITH AVERY, SO CHENNUX HAS A VESTED INTEREST IN THIS BOARDROOM DRAMA!

SPEAKING OF VESTED INTERESTS, THE ONE CALLED OKI MERLOT MUST BE PACKING CONCEALED MAGMAPISTOLS IN HER CHESTIAL AREA! WHY NOT JUST SHOOT THE ONE CALLED HEATHER AND BE DONE WITH IT? HAHA!

THE ONE CALLED #172 APPLEGIRL! CHENNUX APPROVES OF YOUR WARDROBE. YES, THAT MUST BE THE FRONT! IT WILL SHOW YOUR (consults earther dictionary) “SWEATER PUPPIES” TO BEST ADVANTAGE! HAHA!
go
May 9th, 2007 at 4:02 pm [Reply]

DTM – From the acutely dilated appearance of his eyes in today’s strip, Dennis clearly has been experimenting with some sort of cannabinoid: “Have you ever looked at your fingers? I mean REALLY looked at your fingers?”
Reedzilla
May 9th, 2007 at 4:02 pm [Reply]

it would be great if someone revealed a cure for cancer, if for no other reason than to render the next several months of Funky completely irrelevant.
Galactic Emperor ChennuxÂ©â„¢Â®
May 9th, 2007 at 4:03 pm [Reply]

(is this thing still on? melkardammit!)

END TRANSMISSION!
Mountain Mama
May 9th, 2007 at 4:04 pm [Reply]

Good luck, Dingo!!! [Insert name of deity/good luck charm here] bless!!!!
TB Tabby
May 9th, 2007 at 4:08 pm [Reply]

And with today’s strip, FW has joined Mary Worth and FOOB on my list of comics I can no longer read, because they piss me off too much.
gh
May 9th, 2007 at 4:09 pm [Reply]

#184 fizzy logic

Now, now. But you’re right. I could use some Crank-B-Gone myself.
Victor Von
May 9th, 2007 at 4:21 pm [Reply]

An open letter to Tom Batiuk:

Transparent emotional manipulation is, in many ways, different from good writing.

Also, I’d respect Lisa more if she’d taken the doctor down with her.
Motorposus
May 9th, 2007 at 4:23 pm [Reply]

Have a safe trip Dingo, and knock their socks off!

P.S. I’m sorry I doubted your intent earlier. Shanks for setting me straight.
MonkeyHawk
May 9th, 2007 at 4:24 pm [Reply]

Off with the “More information on licorice…” t-shirt, Mitzi. Take a letter to (this) Galactic “Emperor” Chennux, and copy to the Curmudgeons.

Chenny!

Universal Overlord Floyd got your check for back taxes and thanks you for bowing to his all-powerful will and authority!

And a personal thanks for your kind invitation to accompany you to Shawna-Marie’s wedding. Mitzi and I will be flying up north, however, so the oportunity to travel in your rented Gremlin is a honor we’ll have to pass.

Good news that you got your magmacannons out of hock and there are no hard feelings. Looks like you might be able to pull yourself up by your sklitz-straps after all.

(Speaking of hard feelings, Mitzi, why don’t you just go ahead and slip off your Clam thong. You can send this later, hon. Oh, and that last paragraph shouldn’t be included in the letter to Chennux.)

Sincerely, etc., etc., oh, Oh my. Oh jeez, Mitz, I go crazy when you nibble my wings! Oh…. oh… yes! Yes!!!

.
Oâ€™Fogeyette
May 9th, 2007 at 4:24 pm [Reply]

I’m very late to the party today with my probably thread-ending commentary:

Yesterthread:

Dean Booth DTGT: Too funny!

Dub not Dubya–thanks for your good wishes two yesterthreads ago. Mr. O’F had cataract surgery, and it went extremely well. He is amazed at how well he can see now. I told the doctor it was good news and bad news–his eye is great, but he always thought I was 35, so we’re getting a divorce now. She thought it was funny, but he didn’t.

Re Funky: I certainly understand where all of you are coming from, and I can’t deny that the latest “twist” is manipulative and tasteless. Whoamitoday: I am so sorry about your aunt. And all the rest of you who have or have had cancer, I apologize for continuing to like the strip and care about the characters. Of course, my favorite novelists are Dostoevsky and Thomas Hardy.

Dingo: Have a great job interview! Knock ‘em dead! (Not literally, of course. Unless they reject you.)
Hogen Mogen
May 9th, 2007 at 4:28 pm [Reply]

A3G: Margo will marry Oki Merlot’s brother-in-law to become Margo Merlot. Hey, I’m just warming up. Tommie will save LuAnn, but only because she’s really bored and wants a place to die for herself. Apparently, Alan did come back for the coffee, since he clearly doesn’t want to discuss his former flame. Proffessor Snuffleuppagus will try to save LuAnn, but then gets horny and boffs Gina, rolls over, falls asleep. I guess the most obvious person to save LuAnn is Eric Mills, who not only put her up to her manic flower painting binge, but has a financial stake in making sure that the job is being done properly. So much love and caring in this strip – and ALL OF IT goes to waste as LuAnn slowly dies.
Dean Booth
May 9th, 2007 at 4:32 pm [Reply]

Jeffy Must Obey! (SFW).
gh
May 9th, 2007 at 4:33 pm [Reply]

#197 Oâ€™Fogeyette

We all did miss you and I was thinking about what, exactly, to put on the milk carton to help locate you. I thought you and the absent Poteet might have gotten stuck in a ditch [and there's flooding in Iowa, so I'm not exactly kidding].

Naturally, it’s time to sign off, so enjoy the second shift!
td
May 9th, 2007 at 4:35 pm [Reply]

More about Oki (but, alas, not Merlot).
True Fable
May 9th, 2007 at 4:38 pm [Reply]

FW I’m still pissed at Tom Batiuk, despite my rant in the previous thread. It’s a good healthy release to rant here, and in the case of the Foobs it’s about as much as I want to go. Lynn’s so out of touch with reality I laugh in disgust with most of her stupidity.

But Batiuk’s brown paste strikes a particularly painful chord in many of us. Sure, we can hoot and mock Mike Patterson’s purple prose but none of us are harmed by pretention.

I do not know nor do I care why he has chosen to make all his characters not just flawed but damaged by life. I do care, however, when Batiuk utilizes what I consider cheap shots with cancer in order to “heighten the drama” of his current storyline.

If Tom Batiuk wants to do a dramatic serial strip, then he can do it without the wry grins and the so-called punch lines in the last panel. Forget all the play on words and whimsical background crap, he can go ahead and let his characters wallow in whatever he wants. But he CANNOT CALL IT HUMOR.

Not that what he does right now is humorous.
[/rant]

Grumble, grumble. Should I take The Best Of Rabid FW Ranting and send it to his syndicate? I wonder how they would react?
Holly
May 9th, 2007 at 4:40 pm [Reply]

“They’ll Metastasize Every Time” — laughing so hard I’m crying. Beautiful.
willethompson
May 9th, 2007 at 4:42 pm [Reply]

#199 Dean Booth – Do you have a real job? By real, I mean drive to work, park the car, ride the elevator, stare at a computer monitor in a cubicle and eat lunch at your desk JOB? Beacuse if you do, where do you find the time to come up with all this larfriotous stuff you Photoshop?
Uncle Lumpy
May 9th, 2007 at 4:43 pm [Reply]

#198 Hogen Mogen

But Margo is only 20% Merlot! Looks like some blue-suited interchangeable gent was gettin’ some quality Gabriella time way back when!
Trilobite
May 9th, 2007 at 4:46 pm [Reply]

Well, it’s begun, so I suppose it can be revealed now: according to my sources in the publishing industry, Rex Morgan is about to have a major crossover event with Dick Tracy!

I’ll type in some of the press release here, but you’ll probably see it in your local newspaper by Friday.

“Fans of the long-running Rex Morgan, MD have been engrossed in a thrilling plotline involving the boardroom shenanigans at Avery International, a multinational corporation whose enigmatic director’s plane disappeared over the north Atlantic. Rex and his family have aligned with Heather Avery, wife and possible-widow of the missing director, to assist her to take control over the company in her husband’s absence.

“Her opponent in this bold takeover move is none other than her stepson, who Rex cleverly delays en route from the airport. But the young Avery has a secret confederate on the board who will attempt to stall the vote and foil Heather’s plans.

“Meanwhile, in the acclaimed crime comic Dick Tracy, the famous detective has recently wrapped up another classic case and is ready for a new challenge. Soon word will reach him of an international crime syndicate plotting to launder its money via the hostile takeover of an otherwise-reputable company — none other than Avery International!

“In the weeks to come, watch as a new face joins Dick Tracy’s Rogue’s Gallery: the sultry oriental oenophile Oki Merlot, a recent appointment to the board of Avery International and a master of seductive combat. Rex Morgan fans got their first taste of Merlot this week, as she delivers a deadly nerve-strike disguised as a friendly shoulder rub to poor unaware Heather.

“Will the square-jawed detective and the straight-laced doctor be able to stop the crooks in time? Will Heather’s dear husband ever be returned? These questions and more will all be answered in 2008!”
willethompson
May 9th, 2007 at 4:47 pm [Reply]

Two quick shout-outs:

Dingo! Remember, what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. Hopefully you, if the interview goes well and you are handsomely renumerated for your talents.

Poteeeeeeeeet! (yelled out in a Marlonbrandoesque Kowalski snarl) Where are you? You’re not flooded or tornadoed, are you?
Patrick Star
May 9th, 2007 at 4:49 pm [Reply]

Folks, I think we have been reading Jughead’s recent appearances all wrong!

First, Mustard’s owner is clearly a guy in drag, and not very concealing drag at that.

Second, the freckles are an obvious tip-off as to exactly what guy he is. It’s Archie!

Just think about it for a moment: The earlier strip in which Jughead declared his plan to remain single through graduation showed him looking on with unhappiness at Archie following along after Veronica. Of course Jughead was unhappy and committed to bachelorhood; his same-sex love interest loved another – and someone of the opposite sex at that! But now Archie is expressing his true nature to – or at least playing an incredibly cruel joke on – Jughead, and so Jughead feels free to declare his love! No more subjugating his sexuality by fostering a food obsession! Hurray!
Dean Booth
May 9th, 2007 at 4:53 pm [Reply]

#204 Thanks, wille. Sure nuff. I just got home from real work, and whipped that Dolly thing up in 15 mins or so.

Personal note: I was in a hurry, ’cause tonight my son’s string quartet is playing at a theatre downtown for a taping of a From the Top radio show. I have to get on some real clothes and rush downtown. His quartet played for the From the Top TV show in Carnegie Hall last winter. It will air in early June. Excuse my mentioning this, but my buttons are a-poppin’ (and I’m f-ing freaking out with stress!).
Ferd Berfel
May 9th, 2007 at 4:54 pm [Reply]

Thank you RMMD!

America’s comic pages have been lacking a patently offensive Asian female stereotype ever since Mike Nomad’s landlady got written out of the Buzz Sawyer strip.

I do hope Oki quickly introduces her ~~coolie~~ administrative assitant. He’s a short, bandy legged, bucktoothed, guy with coke bottle bottom glasses and a Moe Howard haircut. I think his name is One Hung Low, Sum Dum Fuk, Sim Sala Bim, or something like that.
MrG
May 9th, 2007 at 4:55 pm [Reply]

You’d think the AJGU3000 would at least come up the name “Bun” for the other dog. Or would that only be appropriate for the “Archie After Dark” series?
Dingo
May 9th, 2007 at 4:56 pm [Reply]

Thanks, Non-Shannon #186. You made me update the first page of my website.
Motorposus
May 9th, 2007 at 5:02 pm [Reply]

Best of luck to your son’s quartet! I listen to “From the Top” from time to time, so issue a reminder when their episode is about to air.
Dean Booth
May 9th, 2007 at 5:08 pm [Reply]

Thanks, Motorposus.

…I just noticed that I said “whipped” that Dolly pic up without even noticing my choice of words.
SecretMargo
May 9th, 2007 at 5:09 pm [Reply]

179: Uncle Lumpy: Yeah, the majority of Japanese girls’ names end in “ko / å”, but certainly not all of them; there are plenty of “ri” (Yuri, Mari, Kaori, etc.), “mi” (Masami, Hiromi, etc.), “ka” (Yuka, Haruka, etc.) and even “ki” (Tamaki, Maki, etc.) girls running around, among others. My name dictionary lists “Okiko å†²å” as a possible name, but not Oki alone. (Oki Alone: A breakthrough Adult Swim anime RMMD spinoff coming in June) (Coming in June: a breakthrough pornographic masterpiece inspired by RMMD …. I could just keep going, but it’s best I stop).

My hunch is that the Great Minds of RMMD took the first part of the primary Japanese location that comes to mind for people of a certain age (Okinawa) and did a little slice’n'dice and then set their pens to International PurÃ©e.

I personally prefer the drag queen/stripper name scenario. Also, that would explain the glittery classlessness of the Oki/Oaky joke. She was probably born in Northern Idaho and in a grand, drunken moment in a Coeur d’Alene Safeway wine aisle, misspelled and mismatched her way into a new life, a new mixed heritage, and a new cultural identity to capitalize on. Her eyes were swelled shut with allergies and regrets, and everyone just kept assuming things, and then after a while it just became easier to go with the flow, as they say. The Chopstick Chignon and Qingpao Qicanery are thus easily explicable as just so much overcompensating.
Mad Dog Rackham
May 9th, 2007 at 5:10 pm [Reply]

RMMD: Our favorite asian stereotype might be Korean instead of Japanese. I have a Korean aunt who’s name is Ok-hui, pronounced “Oak-hee”.

I an under the (perhaps mistaken) impression that -hui is a common diminutive similar to -ko in Japanese.

(No doubt the next comment will be from a Korean speaker who will tell me I’m horribly misinformed. Boxcar!)
Uncle Lumpy
May 9th, 2007 at 5:16 pm [Reply]

#215 Secret Margo -

Works for me. Let’s go with that. The wine aisle, I mean.
fishmorgjp
May 9th, 2007 at 5:16 pm [Reply]

FW: More cancer! And more leprosy! More AIDS! More arthritis! More limb-mangling accidents! More simulated military deaths on laptops! All with more sleepy-eyed smirks! Laugh, already!!
King Folderol
May 9th, 2007 at 5:26 pm [Reply]

FC – To be fair, the Keanes just got back from church, where Jeffy just learned that a burning bush told someone to kill a bunch of Egyptians and blame God.

RMMD – I only glanced at the comic…for a second, I thought that this was June in a funny costume, squinting for our amusement.

A3G – Well Luann’s not giving him any, so Alan might as well drink a bunch of coffee so he can masturbate all night long without falling asleep.
under_score
May 9th, 2007 at 5:27 pm [Reply]

Dean Booth @209: What Motorposus said @213. That is just very cool, good luck to them!

Dingo, good luck to you too!!
willethompson
May 9th, 2007 at 5:29 pm [Reply]

In the book “Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil.” there is an Afro/Am transvestite/preoperative transsexual called the Lady Chablis. In Greenville, SC, there is a wickedly funny dinner theatre group called CATS (Cafe And Then Some) that did a ripoff called “In the Garden of Mean and Hateful” with a character named Miss Merlot. You don’t suppose that Wilson/Nolan saw the same show I did and thought, “Y’know, we HAVE to work in a character with the last name of Merlot….”

Nah.
Harold
May 9th, 2007 at 5:43 pm [Reply]

The first thing I thought of when I saw today’s Family Circus was the “Quiero Mami” incident from around 1990 or so, when some Spanish sound devices were accidentally installed into talking dolls intended for English-speaking kids (or, more likely, the wrong dolls were packaged for the wrong market). Some people misheard the Spanish for “I love mommy” as “Kill our mommy”.

The first thing I thought of when I scrolled down to Judge Parker was, “What’s Dr. Benton Quest doing here?” OK, no beard, wrong color hair, and Johnny’s dad never looked like that much of a swinger, but still, first impressions…
PeteMoss
May 9th, 2007 at 5:47 pm [Reply]

I, for one, am glad Funky Winkerbean does not run in my local paper. My wife lost her mother only a few years ago to breast-cancer. She always reads the funnies but not on-line. I don’t believe she would appreciate Batiuk’s brand of humor. Thanks for your rants, True Fable. I believe you speak for many.
Harry Paratestes
May 9th, 2007 at 5:49 pm [Reply]

RMMD: I love it when dead physicists like Einstein (sans moustache) appear creepily in the background. It makes me feel like there is some subtle intellectual underpinning to the story, which of course is a bald-faced lie.
brucker
May 9th, 2007 at 5:50 pm [Reply]

I am a caucasian male and I will on occasion put my hair up with chopsticks, but only if nothing else more practical is available. Pony-tail holders break and get lost, but for some reason chopsticks seem to always be around.
MonkeyHawk
May 9th, 2007 at 5:50 pm [Reply]

So who do you think, among comic strip artists, might actualy be having a good time?

Face it. For most it’s a job. It’s work. You work because they pay you to do it. If it were fun, you’d pay them for the opportunity, like the admission at an amusement park.

I always got the feeling Bill Waterston was having fun drawing “Calvin and Hobbes,” and that he and Larson quit when it stopped being fun.

But every morning in the papers I’m faced with strips and panels that seem so uninspired, even resentful expressions of a nose-to-the-grindstone mentality. It’s not just a matter of phoning it in; I can easily imagine that the artists resent having to turn out six or seven more strips a week and only do it because they’d have to get a real job if they quit.

C(MD) is one of those trips. (DT)GT is another. GF isn’t; I think he still enjoys discovering the personalities and possibilities of Bucky and Satch. PBS gives me the feeling its still a labor of love. Even F-Minus or Bizarro or Non Sequitur, while not being consistently entertaining seem to have a sense of an artist/writer exploring the possiblities of character, plot, theme, and humor.

Beetle Bailey, not so much.

I suspect Lynn Johnston still thinks she’s brilliant. I presume DtM exists only for the Dairy Queen commercial sell-out so the suits can’t allow him to really become a menace. I doubt if whathizname at Garfield as even looked at a strip in decades; he’s left all the day-to-day stuff to his staff and spends his days endorsing checks from movies, stuffed animal franchises, and protection money he collects from the Heathclif artists (who’d have to get a real job if their copyright infringement ever came to trial).

Scaduto, most certainly, is a mercy syndication. As soon as he kicks off, no one will ever do it any time.

Trudeau has his ups and downs, but I still get the feeling he cares about his feature. Jackel Rod just doesn’t give a damn as long as he can file a submission every day and get to draw gigantic chipmonks.

Even though Peanuts petered out at the end, Charles Shulz still seemed to care; so much he didn’t want it to become a zombie strip.

I’ve made my observation. Any of you have strips that — even if they fail sometimes — reveal a certain passion for the comics form? I’ve got to update my chron.com page. No more DT. More Lio. Less Blondie. More….?
fizzy logic
May 9th, 2007 at 5:51 pm [Reply]

I’ll take a break from my general crankiness to point out that just about every male character in A3G looks exactly alike. Sandy hair, indistinguishable features, bland, bland, bland. “Alan – I’ll miss you most of all – if I could tell you apart from the lunch counter guy”.
Islamorada Girl
May 9th, 2007 at 5:52 pm [Reply]

172-AppleGirl, what a great dress! You’ll be the belle of Shawna-Marie’s wedding! That color looks good on absolutely no one, and you’ll need mall bangs and a really bad perm to really get that 80’s look happenin’. Poteet and I will stand next to you so people will go blind from the bling and the shiny, shiny polyester. Oh, we gonna have some fun now!
Vince M.
May 9th, 2007 at 5:52 pm [Reply]

206: This Dick Tracy/Rex Morgan mashup is curious news indeed – last time they were together was in a MAD magazine comic-strip musical sometime in the 1950s. Morgan the villain was making off with Tracy’s beau, an alarmingly adult Little Orphan Annie. Tracy was shooting at him, constantly missing, but Snuffy Smith saved the day, blowing a basketball-size hole thru the MD’s gut with his shootin’ iron.
I remember this piece as being beautifully rendered in shaded, ‘realistic’ detail by the great Wally Wood.
Uncle Lumpy
May 9th, 2007 at 5:58 pm [Reply]

#226 MonkeyHawk -

Scaduto, most certainly, is a mercy syndication.”

Harvard calls them “legacies.”
Harry Paratestes
May 9th, 2007 at 5:59 pm [Reply]

JP: I really want Cedric to get in touch with his inner psycho: whack Roger slowly, and compost the inedible parts.
SatanicMechanic
May 9th, 2007 at 6:01 pm [Reply]

Someone parody “Muscrat Love” with “Mullet Love”. Not having read Gil Thorpe (not even the ones Josh posts) and never having heard “Muscrat Love” I’m incpable. But it sound s right…
Buck Ripsnort
May 9th, 2007 at 6:02 pm [Reply]

It’s shocking how many of us remember Jughead’s many declarations of singleness and asexuality forever. So in today’s strip, why are we all assuming he’s romantically interested in the girl instead of the dog?
Besides, even I know that you put mustard on a hot dawg, not the other way around. Pup’s gonna get mounted hard– is that forshadowing for Jughead’s inevitable fate?
SatanicMechanic
May 9th, 2007 at 6:02 pm [Reply]

Hmmmm. “Incapable”, that is.
Harold
May 9th, 2007 at 6:08 pm [Reply]

Vince M., if my computer weren’t ready to crash at any moment (due to it being 81 degrees here) I would pull out my Totally MAD and grab the image. Rex’s line as he gets shot is priceless, but I won’t besmirch it by giving a half-remembered version.

“Oki Merlot”? What is she, a James Bond character?
SatanicMechanic
May 9th, 2007 at 6:10 pm [Reply]

#16 Artist

Yeah, this is totally late…

My cousin who is black wears her hair with chopsticks.
Harry Paratestes
May 9th, 2007 at 6:12 pm [Reply]

RMMD: All of you think that Ms. Merlot is using chopsticks in her hair because she’s asian, but she’s actually using a spork, because that’s western and therefore cool to her
.
Skullturf Q. Beavispants
May 9th, 2007 at 6:13 pm [Reply]

OMG! Surely one of you who has Totally MAD can find the Don Martin cartoon with the “American Charlie with Red Pants”! (that I mentioned in an earlier post.) Or would that be too difficult to do without knowing what issue it was in? That would be so so awesome!!
mdrew
May 9th, 2007 at 6:24 pm [Reply]

Did we get “TOOL IRK ME”, which I guess could support either
the drag queen theory, or lesbian separationism.
fizzy logic
May 9th, 2007 at 6:24 pm [Reply]

#226 – MonkeyHawk –

“Jackel Rod just doesnâ€™t give a damn as long as he can file a submission every day and get to draw gigantic chipmonks.”

Are those what are in Sam Hill’s shirt?
philip
May 9th, 2007 at 6:32 pm [Reply]

My wife is Japanese and though she is in possession of some very lovely hair accoutrements that have a stick-like quality, whenever she sees someone with actual chopsticks in their hair she wonders aloud, “Would I put a fork in my hair?!?” One of her Japanese friends used chopsticks in her hair and my wife yelled, “You’re not helping the stereotype!”

And what the fuck kind of name is Oki Merlot?
Oâ€™Fogeyette
May 9th, 2007 at 6:39 pm [Reply]

Just had to share a headline from today’s Arizona Daily Star: “Make Kids at Home in the Kitchen.” I think it is urging us to have carnal relations on the countertop….
Citric
May 9th, 2007 at 6:52 pm [Reply]

JP: Anyone else reminded of Revolver Ocelot in Metal Gear Solid? I think he wants to slide his long silver bullet into her well greased chamber.
Rozzen
May 9th, 2007 at 7:00 pm [Reply]

I’ve got a friend who started wearing chopsticks in her hair when we went to Japan. She used to use pencils but apparently the pencil choice had to be quite subtle (not to breakable and stuff) and she found the chopsticks to be very useful ! She even bought a pair just for that purpose.

However all the Japanese who noticed were surprised (“What’s that in your hair ??”), sometimes a bit grossed out (“Do you also use them for eating ?”) but ultimately impressed (“How convenient !”). So I don’t think Japanese use them like this. I can’t vouch for other chopstick-using countries though…
stinky pete
May 9th, 2007 at 7:01 pm [Reply]

242 O’F, just out of curiosity, could you share a few of the recipes from the article?
odinthor
May 9th, 2007 at 7:05 pm [Reply]

#242 — Like we need urging! Oh-h-h-h-h, yea-a-a-ah! Hmm. That sounded dirtier than I meant. Excellent!!!
PeteMoss
May 9th, 2007 at 7:05 pm [Reply]

242 & 245 O’F & SP

Possibly some recipes for cabrito tacos?
Prehumous
May 9th, 2007 at 7:08 pm [Reply]

Isn’t Merlot a kind of wine grape? And what the hell is up with that joke in today’s Family Circus? Is this a new series; Children Ask The Strangest but Easily-Answerable Questions?

Billy: Dolly said that bread always falls butter side down. Is that true?

Billy: Dad said that money grew directly from trees like leaves and were not made from paper that is harvested from trees. Is that true?

Billy: Dad said that you tricked him into marrying you. Is that true? Also, he threw a shoe at me. He was still wearing it.
Rozzen
May 9th, 2007 at 7:14 pm [Reply]

So (after having read a few of the other comments), this actually confirms (I thought it was obvious, honestly) that what the French-Japanese-Chinese woman is wearing are hair sticks, NOT chopsticks (hence the reaction to my friend, who wore actual eating chopsticks…)

She also bought a hair stick in the end though ^^
MonkeyHawk
May 9th, 2007 at 7:22 pm [Reply]

#240 — Fizzy:

Not sure about the gigantic chipmonks in Sam Hill’s blouse.

I think she’s built like a burlap bag full of bobcats.
Squid Countess
May 9th, 2007 at 7:23 pm [Reply]

If Batiuk’s prostate cancer was so life-changing for him, why is he using the Lisa character to express himself ? Why doesn’t he give Les prostate cancer? It could be a cautionary tale about how men under 50 still have to pay attention to symptoms. Then he could have Les and Lisa smirk and smirk about the possibility of Les being impotent vs dead. Come on, Tom! Look at yourself in the mirror! Remember: It’s a different kind of humor and you’re working hard to create it, but it’s still there at times. Unlike your semen, which is all gone. Man, that’s hilarious!

No offense meant to any CC’er who has had prostate cancer. I’m just expressing my raw hatred for Batiuk.
Gabe
May 9th, 2007 at 7:24 pm [Reply]

SecretMargo: My wife is a “ko” and most girls I met over there were too. A few Maki’s and Yuri’s, but a lot of damn ko’s.

My wife always gives me “the look” when in conversation its apparent I know waaaaaay more Japanese girl names than guys.

As for the girl in Archie, I totally missed it’s supposed to be a Jughead hookup. 1, she looks middle aged, 2, Jughead’s a confirmed bachelor (emphatically NOT GAY but apparently nonsexual).
Gg83
May 9th, 2007 at 7:24 pm [Reply]

FC–I’d heard of the Talky Tina Twilight Zone episode, but after all the discussion about it, I went and looked it up on Wikipedia. It sounded pretty much just as creepy as I thought it would be (talking dolls tend to creep me out; don’t even get me started on the sheer disturbingness of Teddy Ruxpin, and I only saw him in advertisements). But there was one incredible detail, of the sort that separates The Twilight Zone from the billions of TZ ripoffs: The talking doll Chatty Cathy was the inspiration for the episode, and they got the vocal actress for Chatty Cathy to do the voice of Talky Tina. Imagine if you had a Chatty Cathy doll, or someone in your family did, and you saw that episode. I don’t think I’d be able to sleep at night.

Garfield–PeteMoss’s comment about Jon’s tuxedo caused me to check out the strip. The tux is pretty standard Jon fare, but I found it interesting that Liz is rocking the Power Girl boob window (though with significantly smaller breasts).

#218, fishmorgjp–I think you mean “more cancer, mule!”

FW–Everything I would have wanted to say has already been said, so I’d just like to nominate Sjofn’s comment (144) from last thread for COTW.

BB–I am baffled and angered by today’s strip. Is Miss Buxley confused because she’s somehow completely unfamiliar with the title “Ms.”? That’s what the other woman seems to think, anyway, judging by her response. If she’s correct, does that mean that Miss Buxley is really stupid, or that she’s been asleep for the past forty or so years? And why does the other woman use the phrase “no man’s land” to describe the title? As far as I know, the phrase describes something that is unoccupied or under despute by two warring factions, and neither definition fits. It’s not unoccupied, since plenty of women use “Ms.” (I use it myself on the rare occasions that I use a title), and to the best of my knowledge, “Miss”es and “Mrs.”es aren’t fighting over “Ms.” The only reason I can see to use that phrase is to set up the stupid punchline. I’m okay with a woman feeling depressed that she doesn’t have a man (well, it makes me sad, but there are women who feel that way, so the depiction is realistic at least), but “Ms.” does not indicate that there’s no man in her life. In fact, Miss Buxley’s usual title indicates that more “Ms.” does! While neither excludes the possibility of her having a boyfriend, “Miss” means that she isn’t married, while “Ms.” means that she may or may not be.

(Confidential to Josh: I know I’m showing my true colors as an insane nitpicker, but I think you have an unnecessary “you” in the last sentence of the Family Circle paragraph. Or maybe an unneeded “they.”)

Whew! If any of you read all of this, I give you my hearty congratulations!
Rozzen
May 9th, 2007 at 7:27 pm [Reply]

Oki Merlot is actually the Vietnamese adopted daughter of a rich French couple who decided to give her a name that reflected her heritage. Without being sure about what exactly that heritage was. When she grew up the spent too much time in Paris’ Chinese quarter and dresses like this because she believes that’s what real Chinese do.

The day she actually goes to Asia she’ll be terribly traumatised.
Ukulele Ike
May 9th, 2007 at 7:29 pm [Reply]

RMMD: You guys are missing out on the obvious. We are now embarking on a grand comicstrip version of the board-game CLUE.

Look — Miss Okifenokee Swamp Merlot is our Miss Scarlet….the Einstein guy is Professor Plum…the dowdy broad in the long skirt is Mrs. White….the dowdy guy is Mr. Green…those people in the background are….Colonel Mustard, and…Mrs. Peacock and….uh, some servants….
willethompson
May 9th, 2007 at 7:32 pm [Reply]

#253 Gg83 – I feel…congratulated (fans self).
Herro!
May 9th, 2007 at 7:40 pm [Reply]

I’m telling you, Oki Merlot is Sophie Fatale! And maybe Hugh is really Bill…coming back from the grave to seek revenge on Heather, AKA Beatrix Kiddo, and get back her baby (the company). This storyline was ripped right from the minds of Quentin and Uma.
The Spectacular Spider-Brick
May 9th, 2007 at 8:04 pm [Reply]

Gabe @ 252:

My wife is a â€œkoâ€ and most girls I met over there were too. A few Makiâ€™s and Yuriâ€™s, but a lot of damn koâ€™s.

That’s because the syllable “-ko” literally means “child.” It’s a diminutive that can be used as a prefix or suffix. For example, while “inu” means dog, “koinu” means puppy. So adding -ko to a girl’s name makes it cuter. A girl is as likely to be named Yuki as Yukiko. Kind of like the difference between Ann and Annette, or Sue vs. Susie.

And I hope you didn’t really meet any Yuri. The word literally means “lily,” but it has a very non-floral connotation in slang. The equivalent would be an American girl named “Lezzie.”
Squid Countess
May 9th, 2007 at 8:15 pm [Reply]

#172 Apple Girl – I’ve decided on this dress for Shawna-Marie’s wedding, based solely on the insane envy it will inspire in all the Patterson women. Don’t ya’ think?
http://www.uglydress.com/yup.html
Trotzenbonnie
May 9th, 2007 at 8:16 pm [Reply]

#226 – MonkeyHawk
You don’t think Jack El Rod has fun? I swear he must have been laughing his ass off when he drew Rusty taking a picture of the recuperating Theodore. “HAHAHA! Look at me! I’m drawing beaver shots!” He must chuckle to himself when Mark says “Holy mackerel, Andy!” “HAHAHA! Al Sharpton’s gonna blow a gasket!” And I’m sure there were a few laughter-induced pee spots on the front of his trousers when he cracked up during the whole Diver Dan affair. “HAHAHA! Talking potatoes! Talking naughty bits! Gawd, I kill myself!”
Otherwise, he’s just an ass.
Harry Paratestes
May 9th, 2007 at 8:28 pm [Reply]

#259 Squid Countess
Are you sure that you’re not tempted by the glory of the ‘Pregnant Prom Dress’?
Bruce Lewis
May 9th, 2007 at 8:29 pm [Reply]

All right! More Batuik fun on the way! i can’t wait to read the next knee-slapping episode of Tumor Cancerbean!
wasoe
May 9th, 2007 at 8:34 pm [Reply]

What is this? Why has no one told me Hulk Hogan makes guest appearances in Judge Parker?
Artist formerly known as Ben
May 9th, 2007 at 8:44 pm [Reply]

#229, Vince M,
Yes, Wood was a very gifted artist. Troubled man though. I’m pretty sure he died by his own hand.
jouster
May 9th, 2007 at 8:44 pm [Reply]

Oki Merlot = “Me irk tool,” or, “More til OK”

Say no more.
SecretMargo
May 9th, 2007 at 8:45 pm [Reply]

258: Spider-Brick, Gabe, et al. : I did not mean to start this at all, since pendantic internet Japanophilia is one of the weirder and worst strains of internet culture, but I have to come out as an academic working in Japanese studies who has a bit of depth to work from, so bear with me (or, don’t, and skip downward):

I did not mean that “ko” girls are not the norm; they are, completely. All I meant was that there were plenty of girls with alternate endings to their names. I also figure that Oki is fairly implausible (for either sex), at least by itself, but a little research has led me to understand that it could be a shortened version of Okiko, an uncommon but not outlandish Japanese girls’ name.

However, “ko” is NOT an after-the-fact, dimunitive suffix. It is a common ending that is incorporated into feminine names like the “a” in Briana, etc., but it is not expendable if that’s your name; a shortened version is a shortened version, not stripping down to the “real” name. Ann, Angela, and Angelica are etymologically related, but not the same name; the relation is similar between Koyuki, Yuki, and Yukiko (which are all separate, valid names). Incidentally, the Korean “hee”/”hui” is similar (meaning “princess”). The only point to my pedantry here is that adding a “ko” makes no name particularly “cute;” indeed, I would venture to say that it makes it sound more old fashioned, as more younger parents are giving their babies names without the “ko,” and pop stars/TV stars frequently shed it too.

Also, there are girls named Yuri. It’s a fairly traditonal name, bringing with it the connotation that lilies symbolize eternity. Yes, there is a slang term “yuri” that refers to lesbian culture and specifically to girl/girl fanfic and manga (though it does not function as an epithet like “lezzie;” that would be “onabe”), but that is not the dominant meaning in the larger cultural field, so I’m sure there are still plenty of Yuris and Yurikos being dubbed even now. So it’s more like bieng named “Bud” and realizing that you share the name with a beer; or perhaps more like “Dick”?

Arrgh, again I apologize for suddenly teacher-ing out about this, but it is what I do when I’m not hanging around here. And I come here to escape all this! So: I will speak of this no more.

(All that said: Oki Merlot is the cheesiest, most deliciously awful incidental character name I have seen in a while. I just want to … savor it. Aaaah. I love love love it. Celebrate the insaity!)
Harold
May 9th, 2007 at 8:46 pm [Reply]

OK, after many crashes, reboots, and an extended cooling off period, here’s the Dick Tracy / Snuffy Smith / Rex Morgan mashup from MAD Magazine:
http://anothermonkey.blogspot.com/2007/05/snuffy-smith-vs-rex-morgan-md.html
“My abdominal cavity has been laterally incised, and all them funny little things in there ain’t workin no more!”

SQB, I’ll try to locate the Don Martin greasy spoon cartoon.
RoboMax: Posting unit #B6hh34.
May 9th, 2007 at 8:46 pm [Reply]

If today’s strip is any indication, the Archie LAUGHAMOTON 3000 has begun to discover erection humor. Up next: Farts!
SecretMargo
May 9th, 2007 at 8:46 pm [Reply]

Celebrate the insanity, that is. Drunk on merlot again … it’s never pretty.
Eric The Grate
May 9th, 2007 at 8:48 pm [Reply]

One can only hope that the disturbingly mishapen sun in today’s Archie is the first phase of what will become an enormous supernova of flaming death for Riverdale’s denizens. If it’s preceded by a “The Fountain”-esque epiphany sequence where Archie realizes how unfunny his comic is and serenely accepts the end of the strip, well, then that would just be a sweet bonus.
Gadge Cubic, Mole Preener
May 9th, 2007 at 8:57 pm [Reply]

Dingo, if you’re not already on the plane – good luck!
Tomcat
May 9th, 2007 at 8:59 pm [Reply]

Luann- It was inevitable the second Tiffany set her whore ass in Brad’s station; She has kissed Brad, and at the same time, Toni walks by, seeing them. Now a new Toni-Brad-Tiffany triangle is about to form. Though I grow weary of these monotonous love triangles, at least it’s a new one.

And at least it’s not the Brad-Toni-Dirk triangle, right?
mattt
May 9th, 2007 at 9:07 pm [Reply]

#75 – Don’t forget the murder of John Darling. And I can’t believe I may have actually remembered that character’s name. Did I?
Gabe
May 9th, 2007 at 9:11 pm [Reply]

I never doubted your name cred there SM, just commenting on my personal experience.

And yes, the over Japan worshipping aspects in several net cultures is sickening.
Gabe
May 9th, 2007 at 9:12 pm [Reply]

Brick: I did indeed know a Yuri.
Comixchick
May 9th, 2007 at 9:16 pm [Reply]

Am I the only one who thought “fresh Funky horror” sounded like an awesome new Van Peebles monster movie?

Just me, then?
Rusty
May 9th, 2007 at 9:26 pm [Reply]

It’s time for Batiuk to rename Funky Winkerbean: Life sucks and Then You Die. Young. Of Cancer. If Lisa is really an attorney she would be running to the best med mal lawyer in Ohio to sue the bejeezus out of the radiologist and oncologist. Precious treatment time may have been lost.

Meanwhile, Dr. Johny Fever has left WKRP in Cinncinnatti and arrived in Judge Parker’s Paris.
Red Greenback
May 9th, 2007 at 9:28 pm [Reply]

“My name is Merlot, Oki Merlot, but everyone calls me ‘mustard’ “
fizzy logic
May 9th, 2007 at 9:32 pm [Reply]

Let’s see here, some housekeeping:

Dingo, good luck on your interview in Reno!

Dean Booth – supercool news on your son’s string quartet – thanks for sharing that bit with us!

Poteet – check in when you get a moment, would you? Some of us are starting to worry.

Everyone else – you’re all very funny and I am no longer cranky. But you’ll all have to start again tomorrow.
Islamorada Girl
May 9th, 2007 at 9:35 pm [Reply]

Ooooh! Dirk-Tiffany! A match made in hell! Love it!
AhClem
May 9th, 2007 at 9:39 pm [Reply]

Oki Merlot is having an affair with another board member, Charles Fenoki. Once he dumps his wife, they can get married and she’ll be known as … oh, hell, finish it yourself.

Am I the only one who wonders how much Lynn Johnston paid Batuik to introduce the new cancer storyline? Look at how little abuse Lynn’s own train wreck of a strip has been receiving the last day or two.

OK, gotta run. Warren is here with his black helicopters.
Ferd Berfel
May 9th, 2007 at 9:46 pm [Reply]

#272/Tomcat – I’m tired of the interminable ‘love’ triangles in Luann too. These godawful, wannabe liaisons could be much worse however…

… they could be threesomes! Imagine Brad-Toni-Dirk with Brad as the ‘meat’ in the ’sandwich’.

Of course a threesome involving Luann would consist of Luann, Steely Dan, and Steely Dan II. I can’t think of a single character in the strip who would be desperate enough to knock boots with Luann.
mdrew
May 9th, 2007 at 10:00 pm [Reply]

…a full bodied, somewhat oaky Merlot, yet with good fruit and depth. It tastes of toasted oak, tobacco, cedar, plum, and cherry. 12% Cabernet Franc, 7% Syrah …
Johnny Q
May 9th, 2007 at 10:08 pm [Reply]

Didn’t I see Oki Merlot in STEVE CANYON?
Mibbitmaker
May 9th, 2007 at 10:09 pm [Reply]

Zippy the Pinhead, very soon: “Oki Merlot! Oki Merlot! Oki Merlot! Oki Merlot! Oki Merlot!…”

Japanese name discussion: I’ve know for a long time now that Yoko (as in Ono) means “Ocean Child”. More information can be found on “Julia” from the White Album. HA!
andreavis
May 9th, 2007 at 10:22 pm [Reply]

#92– Colinski– Ha, ha! Thanks for the correction. It sounds like a submission to TDIET– you ought to write it down and stick it in the mail to Scaduto. If you need any other suggestions where to stick it, I’d be happy to provide some.

Love & light,
Andi
xoxoxo
doug rogers
May 9th, 2007 at 10:22 pm [Reply]

#283 has got it. It’s a pun on Oaky Merlot, a description of the scent or flavour of a cheap and otherwise lousy wine grape barrelled, or otherwise artificially flavoured.

I was so puzzled as the R and the L are so difficult in oriental languages.

oki mello

Some comic strip write must think they are oh, so clever.
Poteet
May 9th, 2007 at 10:26 pm [Reply]

(Pant, pant) — catching up at last. Great mullet comment, Josh — it reminds me of the two-page photo spread of the best Iowa State Fair mullets that sometimes appears in a local paper. I would never claim that the Iowa State Fair has the best mullets in America, but we do have an interesting selection.

# 172 & # 228 — Islamorada Girl and AppleGirl, you are both right. That dress is glorious, and magenta butt-bows will gild the wrinkled lily. I am so looking forward to standing next to both of you at the happy event.

# 190 — Your Imperial Excellency, if you get a spare moment, I would greatly appreciate knowing whether “melkardammit” is a word reserved for Your Imperial Self, or whether mere earthlings might be permitted to use it occasionally, and if so, under what circumstances. Thank you.

# 200 — gh, I appreciate your kindly concern. The flooding in our area is over now, though the mosquitoes are just revving up. And it was nice of you to release the curse on PeteMoss.

# 207 — wille, that’s a Marlonbrandoesque first for me. Thanks! I was gone mostly because I had one of those obnoxious debilitating respiratory things, but am now recovering. If I could, I’d give it to Batiuk.

# 227 — BWAHAHA! (cough). Fizzy Logic, that’s a COTW contender.
andreavis
May 9th, 2007 at 10:31 pm [Reply]

Pedant patrol & fizzy logic, you guys are kewl. I’m glad I come to this site sometimes!
reader-who-posts
May 9th, 2007 at 10:31 pm [Reply]

RMMD: Personally I prefer my merlot to be a little less oaky.

MT: “After we figured out why the birds were coming here we put poison in the expansion cracks, landfill, and swamp. So, Mark, did you notice my enormous breasts?”

Pluggers: Did the man who submitted today’s “Pluggers are fat and can’t lose weight” entry ask to have his big fight wife drawn as a fat dog in a towel? If so that would make this the best pluggers ever.

FW: Cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer.
reader-who-posts
May 9th, 2007 at 10:33 pm [Reply]

uhh, big FAT wife, not big FIGHT wife. Damn.
andreavis
May 9th, 2007 at 10:44 pm [Reply]

Screw it– I wasn’t going to go to the ShawnaMarie wedding, but I found the perfect dress and DAMMIT, I need to feel like a princess just now. I’ll be so pretty… just get me a fifth of vodka and some combat boots, and I’ll be ready. Anyone got a spare tiara?
Statler & Waldorf
May 9th, 2007 at 10:47 pm [Reply]

FW is just horrible. True black humor is actually funny sometimes, but Batiuk’s brand of humor (and I use that term extremely lightly) only exists in his own mind. I have enough problems with panic and anxiety and don’t need the “funny” pages scaring the crap out of me. Batiuk obviously must be suffering with some sort of severe depression and feels the need to express it through his comics.

Next we’ll read that the woman who was given the wrongful diagnosis is indeed healthy, but then she walks out of Montoni’s and a piano falls on her head.
Aaron T.
May 9th, 2007 at 10:55 pm [Reply]

I’m hoping RMMD will continue with the parade of beverage-based stereotype board members. Next up: a man in with a kilt and bagpipes, who introduces himself as “Petey Scotch”.
Harold
May 9th, 2007 at 10:57 pm [Reply]

#177 & #238 Skullturf Q. Beavispants, your power of recall is terrifying. After many, many reboots and cool-downs, from MAD Magazine Issue 150, April 1972, I give you “One Busy Day in a Highway Restaurant”:
http://anothermonkey.blogspot.com/2007/05/three-things.html
And now, I have to shut this computer down before it bursts into flames.
Poteet
May 9th, 2007 at 10:59 pm [Reply]

# 292 — Andreavis, I’m sure one of us can come up with a spare tiara if it means seeing you at the wedding in that dreamy princess dress. And I’d be happy to supply vodka. I’m gonna be carrying a hip flask myself.

And I’ve finally picked out the gift I’m going to give the happy couple. I think the “Magically Ever After” Precious Moments will be perfect.

http://www.preciousmoments.com/content.cfm/search_results?psrch=disney&vall=1
Doug Puthoff
May 9th, 2007 at 10:59 pm [Reply]

5-10

FW: What’s the the difference between Funky Winkerbean and “The Passion of the Christ”? The latter had more blood, but it ended after about two hours. The sadism in Funky just keeps going and going…

And Lisa is beginning to look like Crankshaft.

Zits: Reminds me of a blonde joke I created years ago. How can you tell a blonde is working at a video store? There are “Be kind, rewind” stickers on the DVDs.

RMMD: Ms. Merlot looks like the Dragon Lady from “Terry and the Pirates.” More information about “Terry and the Pirates” can be found on the Internet.

SF: I wonder how long it will be before Ted puts the team on steroids. And more bad news: Brynna’s sister is on the team.
Trixie Belden
May 9th, 2007 at 11:03 pm [Reply]

RMMD – I hope at some point we’re going to get to meet Oki Merlot’s sister-in-law – Purtygud Zinfandel.
Skullturf Q. Beavispants
May 9th, 2007 at 11:13 pm [Reply]

#295 Harold — Cheers and thank you!
Uncle Lumpy
May 9th, 2007 at 11:34 pm [Reply]

FW’s Lisa twist has put me in conflict.

On the one hand, I admire a lot of what Batiuk does:

- FW is a well-crafted soaper, with a big cast of differentiated characters and multiple plotlines that move at a reasonable pace. The crossovers to Crankshaft and the late John Darling are deft, and even a little daring.
- the guy can both draw and write: the characters both look and sound like people, and that’s a rare gift. Thank you!
- Batiuk has a way with pert buttocks that expiates a lot of sins.
- he really seems to be a decent human being.

I don’t mind that the strip isn’t funny – there’s plenty of room for slice-o’-life, adventure and drama strips.

But on the distended, swollen, pre-cancerous other hand:

- cancer may be his issue, but it’s not everybody’s issue. Reading the strip is like chatting with a recent Christian convert or AA zealot: yes, I understand and respect your life-changing experience, but merciful heaven, can’t we just talk about baseball? You have to entertain us — it’s in your contract, dammit!
- he can’t have it both ways: when people are devastated, they don’t smirk. It’s a fine line, but he drew it and should walk it.
- I’m really dreading the “Lisa tells it to Congress” sequence. If Batiuk wants to elevate the level of public discourse on something, he should do it on his own time. This idea puts him on the express train to Patch Adams territory.
- the “we mixed up the records” twist is just cheap manipulation: I expect — and get — better from The King of Queens.

Ugh. What a dreary, unfunny, preachy post. I am become Funky Winkerbean.
dreadedcandiru2
May 9th, 2007 at 11:47 pm [Reply]

FBoFW: “Thank God for famly and friends”, she says. Friends, yes, her children, yes but JIM’s family? Except for April, NO WAY!! Remember, Liz told Paul that she ‘had to be there’ for Jim. He found out she wasn’t somehow and there’s Susan to pick up the pieces.
Crooked Soricidae
May 10th, 2007 at 12:01 am [Reply]

OKI MERLOT is just a tolerable whine, unlike the high pitched keening I always imagine Margo’s voice to sound like.
Poteet
May 10th, 2007 at 12:24 am [Reply]

MT — What a great solution to bird problems at airports — just drain the nearby swamps! Pay no attention to those pesky Army Corps of Engineers regulations or mitigation requirements or wetland restoration programs or the ecological services provided by “swamps” — just drain away with a whistle on your lips and a smile in your heart. And really large sweater puppies on your chest, of course.
dreadedcandiru2
May 10th, 2007 at 12:28 am [Reply]

Is Curtis’s dad a Foob, or what? His wife is telling him her whole family hates his chain-smoking, rap-hating guts and all HE hears is “blah blah blah Other boyfriends, Blah blah blah.” At least he’s not dying of lung cancer or I-hate-rap cancer. For that to happen, he’d have to be drawn by Tom Batiuk.
Sunny Mel Blatherscythe
May 10th, 2007 at 12:30 am [Reply]

Family Circle – Jeffy:”I stand up for you Jobu!! You No help me now..F#ck You Jobu I kill family for myself!!”

Judge Parker – Well it’s nice to see that former Green Bay Packer Don Majkowski http://images.nfl.com/photos/img8019290.jpg
has found a job. Even if it’s in a comic strip…In Judge Parker…in the minor role of Roger. Well ok his life has pretty much hit rock bottom.

Rex Morgan – Oki Merlot? Heh heh sure thing baby, and I’m Charlie…Charlie Corkscrew.

A3G – Alan old boy, I’m sure that once you find out that crazy bitch thinks she’s talking to ghosts you’ll get amnesia REAL FAST.

Archie – Yep, that unsettling mental picture of a Dog/Human/food orgy has just punched my one way ticket to therapy, or to the pornoshop, Or.. Which ever I one I stumble across first I guess.
The Spectacular Spider-Brick
May 10th, 2007 at 12:30 am [Reply]

At risk of ending the thread…

Thursday’s (DT)GT: “Jim Gross is throwing strikes — and Central is hitting them!” Well, they aren’t exactly STRIKES then, are they?!

And what happened to the “Radiology, please” subplot? And the fracturing of the girls’ team? Seriously, what the hell? Is there any semblance of an attempt at continuity in this strip at all?

It’s analogy time!

Gil Thorp : sports fans :: Funky Winkerbean : cancer patients
Poteet
May 10th, 2007 at 12:39 am [Reply]

DT — Dick Tracy, the Hunchback of Notre Queen.
Cerebus the Earth-pig
May 10th, 2007 at 12:39 am [Reply]

#177/238 Skullturf- Yeah, you nailed it. I’m impressed. I don’t know which issue, but I do remember that it was a back cover.

As for the ‘chopsticks’ in the hair, never did that, but I DO carry pens in my beard in a similar fashion, does that count?
Herro!
May 10th, 2007 at 12:41 am [Reply]

What’s sad is that every time someone says “Dragon Lady” I remember a photo shoot I did as, you guessed it, a Dragon Lady in one of those dresses (with dragons sewn into it no less) with, of course, hair sticks. In half the shoot I started fighting with a “Shao Lin Renegade,” and the shoot culminated with me yanking the sticks out of my hair, grinning like a madman (“Heeeere’s Johnny!” from The Shining), and attempting to stab her with them.

If the mental picture of that isn’t amusing enough, I am a tall-ish, slender (but with Patterson hips), peaches-and-cream white woman with long dirty blonde hair and bright blue eyes. I’m about as WASPy as they come, and trying to pull off a “Dragon Lady” thing was a joke. I’d post pictures but they turned out pretty bad. Oh, well.
Jessied
May 10th, 2007 at 12:42 am [Reply]

Actually, I’m sort of bothered by the fact that Jughead’s Mysterious Nerdy Girl looks far too much like, well, me.

Blonde, short hair? Glasses? Freckles? If you were going to draw me into Archie comics, that’s pretty much exactly what you’d come up with.

I’m all spooked, guys. Someone hold me.
Sunny Mel Blatherscythe
May 10th, 2007 at 12:46 am [Reply]

310. And have Jughead kick my ass after shop class? Not me sister.
Mibbitmaker
May 10th, 2007 at 12:59 am [Reply]

5-will-get-you-10:

Okay, all pseudo-cleverness aside…

5/10:

RMMD: Uh-oh, looks like proto-Mary Worth is the plant! And the man with the stereotypical soap-opera name, Wallace (Don’t call me “Basil”) Rathbone, is the next to offer condolences. Worse, Mr. Rathbone is really Leslie Neilsen with a feminine wig on for no desernable reason. And our maybe-widow is borrowing a trick from MT and her shoulder’s saying it’s been touched.

Freaky!
Jeff
May 10th, 2007 at 1:10 am [Reply]

#226 It seems Bob Weber Jr., of Slylock Fox enjoys his job. I consistantly see a nice level of detail and fun in that strip. Just got a peek at tomorrow’s strip. Pretty nice Six Differences drawing.
Mibbitmaker
May 10th, 2007 at 1:16 am [Reply]

5/10:

MT: Last panel: Gee, can she say “politicians” with enough spitting venom? “…. besides, those guys have moustaches. Moustaches!”

MW: Someone remind me how either V sibling could “deserve any of the family wealth”? He’s a jerk and she’s a spoiled whiner. It’s like a Donald Trump-Paris Hilton feud!

9CWL: Man, I couldn’t hate that guy more if he wrote a switching-the-cancer-results-by-accident story! Ewwwwww!
Mibbitmaker
May 10th, 2007 at 1:28 am [Reply]

More Thursday:

A3G: “Now what?”? That’s what we’ve been saying for over a month now, Gabriella.

FOOB: Gran’pa says, “B…. Bucket”. Omigod, he thinks he’s in “Gil Thorp”! That’s not a good sign.
Uncle Lumpy
May 10th, 2007 at 1:36 am [Reply]

Jim’s temporal region of Broca
Has not been the same since his stroke-a.
He shouts out “B. . .Bucket”
But readers say, “F#ck it” –
That’s where CLAMBAKE lives la vida loca!
AppleGirl
May 10th, 2007 at 1:41 am [Reply]

228 – Islamorada Girl and 288 – Poteet – YES! This Shawna Marie wedding is shaping up to be the most fun thing. The CC Girls in wrinkled acetate. And I can’t wait to see the CC Guys in their powder blue tuxes and economy cars. Of course, nothing will ever rival the summer of Aldo, but this may even be better than the time Josh left us his house over Thanksgiving weekend and we had that big MST3K party.

259 – Squid Countess – Oh, that dress looks very smart. The Patterson women will absolutely hate you. Should we add some magenta butt-bows to it? To enhance the hip-expanding effect of the pouffy hip flounces? And GLOVES! Opera-length gloves!

292 – Andreavis – What a stunning dress! Glad you decided to go to the wedding. Nothing like feeling pretty to snap a girl out of a Funky Cancerbean funk. How will we ever fit all these bows and ruffles and gorgeousness into Gremlins and Ford Escorts? And yes, of COURSE I have an extra tiara for you.

We should pool our cash to buy a nice wedding present for Shawna and Marie. What do they like? Are they registered anywhere? Chennux is already giving them potatoes, so that’s out. Maybe they’d like shoes? Since those poor girls in FOOBville don’t have shoes?
Jym
May 10th, 2007 at 1:51 am [Reply]

=v= Garfield: Never mind Jon’s shirt, Liz appears to be wearing Leela’s dress with the cyclops cleavage feature.
AppleGirl
May 10th, 2007 at 2:00 am [Reply]

309 – Herro! You can’t just leave us hanging like that. Post the pictures!
Trilobite
May 10th, 2007 at 2:10 am [Reply]

I bring grim portents of Thursday’s comics.

Mark Trail: They tried “shell crackers”? As in, they smashed the eggs of the birds nesting nearby? That’s the most evil thing I’ve ever seen in a Mark Trail story. For the sake of those poor baby birds, PUNCH HER! (And I see I totally called the “drain the swamp and move the landfill” plan. Thank god there were no silly regulations protecting those wetlands and the endangered species that made their home there. They probably filled in the swamp with the landfill, and then buried leaky barrels of benzene there to guarantee that the land would remain sterile for generations to come.)

Rex Morgan: Allow me to introduce Wallace Rathbone. He wears an electric blue suit with a magical black tie that indicates his mood: when it’s a bow tie, he’s relaxed and confident, and when it’s a standard necktie, he’s ready to strike! (Trust me, you don’t want to see him when it’s an ascot.) Also, he gets the “Martha Stewart” cut from his hairdresser, and considers it worth every penny. So basically, he’s a boring old coot, which is why Oki Merlot is sound asleep at the table even though she’s being bombarded by Frau Evilface’s stink-lines.
True Fable
May 10th, 2007 at 2:18 am [Reply]

The Line with apologies to Johnny Cash

I read the comics with a jar of shine
So I make sense of They’ll Do It Every Time
But when Tom Batiuk made his cancer shine
I found it painful to recall mine

mmmm…

I find it very very easy to give snark
on every Rex, Sam, Patterson and Mark
And usually I know it’s all a lark
Except Tom Batiuk’s humor is all dark

mmmmm….

I read the strips now with some good Jim Beam
So I can follow Cedric’s mystery scheme
But I won’t read that Funky Winkerbean
Because his comic makes me green

mmmm…..

Barreto draw Abbey Spencer oh so fine
For Neddy’s mo-de-ling we all can pine
But if it’s funny that health care’s in decline
I’d say that’s when Tom crossed the line

mmm…

For such a long time now Funky has sucked
that thin veneer of humor has been shucked
I even hear the Plugger hens have clucked
“Hey Tom Batiuk, why don’t you go get fucked.”
True Fable
May 10th, 2007 at 2:21 am [Reply]

#320 Trilobite: I am hoping the “shell crackers” are those firecracker-like shells that fit in shotguns to scare away birds.

That, or we’re about to get some really hideous new Pluggers cast members.
skulking on the outskirts
May 10th, 2007 at 3:05 am [Reply]

# 21, Meep-I just want to say I love your name. Meep. Meep. MeepMeepMeepMeepMeep/(smacks self on face) Umm, yeah, I’m okay now. I just….really like your name.
On Talky (Talking?) Tina-my little neice got a talking Stitch doll (Lilo & Stitch) and I swear before God that freaking thing was possessed. My sister and I would be sitting in the kitchen and chatting when suddenly we’d hear that damned thing start speaking in the next room, ALL BY IT’S GODDAMNED SELF. And don’t anybody tell me it was low batteries, because everytime it spoke up, it was clearly in response to something we’d said. My sister:”My f*cking ex this, my f*cking ex that” and Stitch in the next room would pipe up “Run over with truck!” or something along those lines. Stitch. Yeah.
Dingo, best of luck in..was it Reno? Well, wherever, hope you get the job.
All right, now that I’ve got the small stuff out of the way–BATIUK, WILL YOU KINDLY STFU!! You’ve beaten this cancer schtick so far into the ground, not even spelunkers can find the humor anymore. I’m with True Fable and others who have lost family and friends to cancer (my paternal grandparents, my mother) and IT’S JUST NOT GODDAMNED FUNNY ANYMORE. Actually, I don’t think it ever was, but I can take a serious story line in the comics from time to time. This has gone from ‘time to time’ to f*cking eternity. ENOUGH, already. Okay, /rant. Thank you, and you may now resume your regular snarking.
whoamItoday?
May 10th, 2007 at 3:15 am [Reply]

thanks for the kind words. about an hour after posting, I got a call saying she had died ‘this morning’ east coast time. I’ve had no further e-mails or calls from home and it’s a few hours yet before I can reasonably call the east coast.

Karen (today, I am myself)
Jym
May 10th, 2007 at 3:21 am [Reply]

=v= Far Side: I’ve got this year’s Far Side day-by-day calendar (back after several years’ absence). Today’s — well, at this point, yesterday’s — was the one with the caption “Trouble Brewing” and a dingo farm next to a baby nursery.

I guess we all know what Dingo’s interviewing for …
Mr. Oâ€™Malley
May 10th, 2007 at 3:27 am [Reply]

Re: things Oriental and RMMD names.

My wife wears hairsticks frequently. A while ago we went into a Chinese takeaway and she got into a big discussion with the counter lady about where to get the best deals on nice-looking hairsticks (Ebay, as I recall). And not once did they get mixed with the chopsticks we were getting with our meal.

Chinese people frequently choose a different first name when they come to the US. I presume it’s to avoid having their real name pronounced incorrectly by Americans. (I had the same problem myself.) A while ago I met a Chinese woman whose first name was “Blendy”. After some weeks of talking with her I realized that she had probably meant “Brandy”, but somewhere along the line things got mixed up. I didn’t say anything because it was probably a better choice, actually.
Mr. Oâ€™Malley
May 10th, 2007 at 3:33 am [Reply]

The SF Chronicle has a big article about Berkeley Breathed.

Contains death but no cancer.
Mr. Oâ€™Malley
May 10th, 2007 at 3:43 am [Reply]

(THTI)FOOB: Iris doesn’t look very happy when she thinks about “family”.

And who could blame her?

About the “gunnysacks” reference, we have my grandfather’s diary from WWI, and he seems to have spent quite a lot of time filling and transporting sandbags. I wouldn’t think there was quite as much call for it in WWII, though. Especially since he was an airplane mechanic? Was he toting gunnysacks full of replacement parts for Lancaster bombers?
whoamItoday?
May 10th, 2007 at 4:08 am [Reply]

I had a talking doll, named Baby Sleepyhead, or something like. And I recall the grown-ups being delighted when I pulled her string, they’d want me to pull the string over and over, sometimes they’d just say ‘and again’ and other times they’d fall all over themselves laughing. Years later, my mom reminded me that one of the things the doll said, in a whispery middle-of-the-night voice, was ‘I want to sleep in your bed”

My mother would not lie about this.
Red Greenback
May 10th, 2007 at 5:47 am [Reply]

I don’t trust Oki Merlot. I think she’s planning to steal the Avery International secret egg-salad recipe.
Justafoob
May 10th, 2007 at 6:17 am [Reply]

Why do people insist that Apewill is the only “good” Patterson?

The only good Patterson is a dead Patterson.
Wally Limping Bean
May 10th, 2007 at 6:20 am [Reply]

Guess what?

Everybody here is terminal.

Unless you are Christ, you are going to die.

I guess he did too.

So everyone is terminal.

You there with cancer, you just know what you might die from.

News flash, there might be a bus with your name on it today.

Rant over.

Carry on.
John C Fremont
May 10th, 2007 at 6:22 am [Reply]

My computer’s being stupid and I’m late for work, so very little time for reading – please forgive if I’m repeating someone else’s stuff… and since my knack for originality seems to be waning, my guess is that I am repeating somebody’s rant. Sorry, dude. Or ma’am, depending.

MT – Hurray! After yesterday’s silence, the ubiquiplane speaks! As does Mark’s tie. Or Adam’s apple.

MW – I had a Von rant prepared, but in the time it took to reboot my computer, well – I got nothin’. No, dammit – his name is Von. I went to school with a Vaughn, a properly spelled name. Von would work if his full name were Eric von Sheilds. Von? I just don’t buy it. Curses upon you, von Sheilds!

Phantom – While the guys are busy slapping the back of some slightly smaller old guy, The Ghost says, “I can see why 43 year old boys who brave – wait, can we start again? Line, please!”

RMMD – Hey, it’s Mrs. Wallace Rathbone!

JP – I knew it! I knew it!! In yesterday’s first panel, I thought Roger looked a little like Christopher Lee, but today proves it! When Christopher Lee says, “Mother’s not feeling well…” you just KNOW something evil is afoot. Damn, Chris, it’s good to see you! Sorry about the lack of screen time in that third Lord of the Rings movie – man, what were they thinking?!
Vince M.
May 10th, 2007 at 6:34 am [Reply]

There was a big to-do about a talking doll recall some years back – they thought it was malice at the factory, but it was more of an incoherent recording. The doll said “I love mommy!” but the poor, wobbly sound had people hearing “Kill mommy!”
Squid Countess
May 10th, 2007 at 6:52 am [Reply]

I had an answering machine that would turn on just to remind me of my empty life. I’d be sitting watching TV and the machine would suddenly taunt, “You have no messages.” It was mean.
benderfender
May 10th, 2007 at 7:03 am [Reply]

Seriously, I never knew that Archie was a homosexual comic strip. Oh wait, thats a girl with a dyke haircut. Maybe Jughead is bi-curious, just a little?
Call me Snake
May 10th, 2007 at 7:03 am [Reply]

#226, Monkeyhawk: I agree with your assessment. The sad thing about the uninspired strips as you call them, is that we’re stuck with them.

I wonder now that Brant Parker has died if Wizard of Id is going to continue life as a zombie strip. It looks like BC is going to hang on though I have not once read one reader comment anywhere that was for that idea.

I think Paul Gilligan of Pooch Cafe enjoys his work, as well as Corey Randolph of Barkeater Lake.
True Fable
May 10th, 2007 at 7:08 am [Reply]

…and then there was the celebrated Talking Elmo who cheerfully piped up, “Fuck you!” Now whether or not this is simply an urban myth or not, the mental image for me is priceless. Personally I cannot stand Elmo and I can just picture some kid smacking Talking Elmo across the chops and saying, “back at you, you squeaky little poo head.”
Call me Snake
May 10th, 2007 at 7:09 am [Reply]

#253:

Forget about the Power Girl Boob Circle, whats up with them lips? Geezuz. Who is she, Mick Jagger’s little sister?
calico
May 10th, 2007 at 7:33 am [Reply]

#333 – So, evil mullet-man Roger Cabot has gone to work already and poisoned his Mother’s tea. Or she’s just so grossed out by his greasy hair that she felt faint when she saw it.

Meanwhile, dans la cuisine chez Rachel, Cedric prepares a hearty meal of Kraft Dinner, St. Hubert-style roast chicken, Labatt’s Blue, and Poutine.
One more thing – at least thus far in JP they are dealing with Rachel’s cancer either as 1) a sidebar; 2) with dignity; 3) both.
Hogen Mogen
May 10th, 2007 at 7:43 am [Reply]

http://www.chron.com/apps/comics/buildcp.mpl?v=3.0&page=1&quality=high&cpp=8&c=112&c=71&c=20&c=116&c=118&c=144&c=123&c=130&c=140

Spiderman update: Dara Dorsett has managed a quick escape, despite wearing high heels, a dress and having her hands bound in front of her. Telly Savalas sees her escape and says “She’s escaping!” Uh, isn’t he the one who should be responsible here? But his boss lets him off the hook, explaining that he didn’t really care about keeping her around, despite saying just the opposite two strips ago. Spidey himself is down for the count after one punch. I sort of expect a little more from my superheroes, you know?

Meanwhile, Scotty Evil from Austin Powers walks in. “So, you gonna shoot him?”
“No. We don’t do that.” replies Kordok.
“What? He’s right there. Just shoot him!”
Kordok: “No. Telly, prepare the elaborate, time wasting trap.”
Scott Evil: “I’ve got a gun in my car. We can do it together. We’ll do some beers afterwards!”
Kordok: “Nah.”
Trotzenbonnie
May 10th, 2007 at 7:45 am [Reply]

TDIET – So that’s why Pluggers are so fat! None of them ever graduated from high school so they don’t have reunions to motivate them to lose weight.
Hogen Mogen
May 10th, 2007 at 7:50 am [Reply]

Mallard the Cranky Duck: Ok, you had a point yesterday with the whole greenwashing of corporate America. But today “recycled dolphins”? What?

Oh Mallard, why do I read you and inflict such damage on my brain cells every day? Why? Because it beats rampant heroin abuse, that’s why.

On second thought – I’ll start taking the drugs.
TurtleBoy
May 10th, 2007 at 7:56 am [Reply]

#320 Trilobite: on Mark Trail, WORD. My thought yesterday on the mention of “swamp” was “good god, even ‘homicidal rampaging elephants must die’ Jackelrod is going to be evil enough to suggest that a field biologist would just mosey on out and destroy some wetlands”…yet today we see that I was wrong.

Next week Mark gets called down to Florida to do a piece on how manatees are posing a hazard to jet-skiers, so they’ve drawn up a plan to slaughter ‘em all (the manatees, not the jet-skiers) and sell their organs on the Asian market.
Hogen Mogen
May 10th, 2007 at 7:59 am [Reply]

RMMD: Mary-Worth-lady is shocked that the meeting will soon come to order. What? Start the meeting? Wait! Is that what we’re doing here in a boardroom sitting at the table? I thought we were here for an intervention. Wallace Rathbone’s hair has got to be stopped! Oki Merlot, can you please stay awake for a minute?
gh
May 10th, 2007 at 8:03 am [Reply]

#324 Karen

Deepest regrets. Just glad we can be here for you.
Hogen Mogen
May 10th, 2007 at 8:04 am [Reply]

A3G: Dios mio! I thought Gabriella was of eastern European descent. Isn’t she supposed to be a gypsy? I surmise that she gained the address of Alan’s old studio via crystal ball with a wireless online connection.
Groddeck
May 10th, 2007 at 8:05 am [Reply]

330 – Red, great “What’s Up, Tiger Lily?” reference. Obscure, but very fitting.
Sunny Mel Blatherscythe
May 10th, 2007 at 8:14 am [Reply]

259. Love the dress, It’s so “Lennon Sisters”.
Perky Bird
May 10th, 2007 at 8:18 am [Reply]

5/10 Pluggers–
I don’t get this one. Is it saying that Pluggers keep the same suit for a really long time (without gaining too much weight to fit into it, even)? Or is it saying that Pluggers marry early and pop out babies early? I like that idea better.
gh
May 10th, 2007 at 8:20 am [Reply]

#321 True Fable –

Excellent! That one was just ripe for the picking, wasn’t it. You had me in stitches. No, wait. That’s from the biopsy! HA HA!
Red Greenback
May 10th, 2007 at 8:34 am [Reply]

Mudge-#???-(so many posts-so lazy)
Soooo, the Politically Correct term for the locale where most of the Beetle Bailey action takes place is Camp Wetlandsy?
Buck Ripsnort
May 10th, 2007 at 8:38 am [Reply]

MonkeyHawk, I don’t think the (DT)GT artist is “phoning it in”. I picture him smiling w/ every panel; I also picture him cackling, drooling and howling at the moon.
stinky pete
May 10th, 2007 at 8:43 am [Reply]

Wallace Rathbone =

WATCHABLE LOANER
WHAT? EN CABALLERO?
WHALEBOAT LANCER
BATHER ALLOWANCE
THANE A.B. CALLOWER
ABLE TO LEARN CHAW
migellito
May 10th, 2007 at 8:44 am [Reply]

sooo….. Grandpa Jim’s going to the bucket…

Is Lynn reading this? Is she in on the joke?
AirForbes
May 10th, 2007 at 8:50 am [Reply]

Well, Grandpa Jim always did fantasize about the girls when he out in the park and such. I don’t think that therapist realizes she just got propositioned.
SecretMargo
May 10th, 2007 at 8:58 am [Reply]

306: Spiderbrick: I’m glad somebody else said it; I was afraid I was missing some weird baseball lingo or something. Though to me it just adds one more layer of crazy onto an already kaleidoscopically psychotic and awkward strip. Do they make Gil Thorp book collections? I would think they’d cause epilepsy and be banned by now if they did.
Justafoob
May 10th, 2007 at 9:06 am [Reply]

I hope that Gwampa kicks the bucket soon.

The only old fart I want to see at The Bucket is Clambake!!!
Red Greenback
May 10th, 2007 at 9:06 am [Reply]

Dingo, I wish you the very, very best of luck on yer job interview! If you can impress the people in Reno half as much as you impress us Mudges, you’re in like Flynn, Buddy! And a very, very Happy Birthday too!

Red!
Archie Andrews
May 10th, 2007 at 9:08 am [Reply]

Upon further review, how come Hot Dog is the only one with a hard bone?

I would think that Jughead would be eternally erect, unless he is gay…..
Harold
May 10th, 2007 at 9:12 am [Reply]

Destroying the eggs of unwanted birds? That’s the most ridiculous…
http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=9923886
Scientists Prowl to Destroy Mute Swan Eggs

…oh. Never mind.

(To be fair, these are non-native invasive species that are displacing and destroying native species. As Bender said, “Nature is hilariously cruel.”)
SatanicMechanic
May 10th, 2007 at 9:14 am [Reply]

#321 True Fable

Oh, my god. GENIUS.
rich
May 10th, 2007 at 9:15 am [Reply]

MW: …and he forced her out in the rain! In the rain!!!

I get this sneaking suspicion that Mary won’t even ask Vera the obvious question, “What exactly did you do to piss him off so?”

Either way, expect to see her on the phone soon — “Got another job for you, Wilbur. Name’s Von Shields…Pacific Cliffs…Yeah, I need ya to do a little job on the brakes — just like that last one.”
Red Greenback
May 10th, 2007 at 9:25 am [Reply]

Alright, one last Oki observation and I’m done… I promise!
I think Oki is the mascot for Avery. Ya know, they have her at trade shows, shareholder meetings etc. Her stereotypical appearance carries a subliminal psychological power!

Because Avery makes “LABELS”…am I right?
Ziggy the Pinhead
May 10th, 2007 at 9:25 am [Reply]

When I saw yesterday’s Funky Winkerbean I thought that Lisa looked alot like Funky.

Yeah, it was a gag strip at one time; complete with talking rocks. Les used to carry a radar gun as a hall monitor.
gh
May 10th, 2007 at 9:30 am [Reply]

MT — Mark seems to be OK with filling in the swamp. I guess next time he has a little problem with beavers heâ€™ll remember what he learned and simply cut down all the trees in LoFo and pave over the streams. That should drive them off. Pesky beavers!
zuffix
May 10th, 2007 at 9:32 am [Reply]

Did anyone else see this coming? I guess I shouldn’t be surprised, but I am: Rose’s mother is Roseanne.
stinky pete
May 10th, 2007 at 9:34 am [Reply]

AVY is down 1% in early NYSE trading; the market appears nervous at the entrance of the mysterious Wallace Rathbone (if that is his real name), and the potential meddling of Mrs. Olson, the Folgers coffee lady.
Red Greenback
May 10th, 2007 at 9:34 am [Reply]

348-Georg- You caught that one! Congrats! I just was testing the water there, so late in the thread and whatnot.
Wally LimpingBean
May 10th, 2007 at 9:35 am [Reply]

With the screwup with Lisa’s cancer: I am hoping for more misery ala funkerbean:

Wally steps on a land mine and really dies this time.

Comic-book guy is busted on child porn charges.

Darrin finds his real birth parents and that he is going to die from cancer in two years.

Funky falls off the wagon and takes out a family of four in a drunk driving accident.

Les is despondent from all the events and hangs himself in the basement.

Mr. Dinkle loses the battle of the bands and gets fired.

Montoni’s is burned to the ground in race riots that sweep through Westview.

And on and on.

Batiuk wants to keep it real, so lets really go for it.

No more funny, we want realism and grit.

We want one armed girls turning tricks on the streets and the only John they can scare up is a octagenarian bus driver.

We want real life……
Ziggy the Pinhead
May 10th, 2007 at 9:39 am [Reply]

“Rose Is Rose” has so much saccharine that it causes cancer in lab rats.
Montag
May 10th, 2007 at 9:40 am [Reply]

5-10 A3G: Fourth panel: Walking away looking back at the studio door, Gabriella thinks, “Oh, who am I kidding, it’s just my imagination getting the better of me. I’ll just go get some coffee rather than bother Lu Ann.”
Red Greenback
May 10th, 2007 at 9:43 am [Reply]

stinky pete @ #348- I think Oki (sorry, last comment about Oki, I promise!)..is just the tonic to reverse Avery’s fortunes.

(see #364)
BunnÃ«
May 10th, 2007 at 9:47 am [Reply]

My first thought at seeing Oki Merlot was, is anyone actually named “Merlot”?

Yes, apparently there are 18 in the U.S. But 18 is a pretty low number; it’s statistically possible that they are all drag queens, too.
Uncle Lumpy
May 10th, 2007 at 9:47 am [Reply]

#365 Ziggy the P. -

Funky Winkerbean is still a gag strip, although in a different sense.
Groddeck
May 10th, 2007 at 9:53 am [Reply]

369-Red- And you caught my name reference! Are you me?

(Actual comics content) -FC – 5/10 – Dare we hope that, after the doll episode, the dismembered corpse of one of his siblings is in that frontpack?
Artist formerly known as Ben
May 10th, 2007 at 9:56 am [Reply]

5/10

FW: The “students hijack Les’s cellphone” bit has been squeezed down to one panel. I guess that’s a small mercy from the vengeful god Batiuk.

C-Shaft: Without the word balloons, it looks like Comic Book John is about to grab the old lady’s funbags. Which is a little funnier, if you ask me.

RMMD: “Hello, I’m Wallace Rathbone. Are you looking at my pageboy? Please don’t laugh! It was my wife’s idea.

SSmith: Snuffy levitates, which is a surprise. Uriah has slapped a “US Mail” patch on an old Confederate Army cap, which is not a surprise.

JP: Well if Captain Kangaroo smoked crack on a regular basis he’d look like this.

Luann: Brad must like the uniform very much, since he wears the crusty old thing at dinner.

Ziggy: Ziggy is hearing 19th century historical quotations from a vaginal symbol. I think everyone can relate to this.

Mark Trail: The airplane speaks, as you knew it would. It also must have made a very quiet landing, if Mark and What in the Sam Hill can still hear each other.

Shoe http://www.chron.com/apps/comics/showComic.mpl?date=2007/5/10&name=Shoe: Who knew date rape was such a giggle?

A3G: All hope seems to be lost as Gabriella misses New York City’s only taxicab.
Cranky
May 10th, 2007 at 9:57 am [Reply]

I love Scaduto’s art style to death- really I do. For example, why today do Rotunda and her hubby have a 48-year old wisecracking midget hanging around their kitchen?

Also, read Archie today and ask yourself, in the age of shrinking newspaper space, what better comic could be fit into the space wasted by that expanse of unadorned lockers?
NotMe
May 10th, 2007 at 9:58 am [Reply]

RMMD: Great. The meeting is just about to be called to order and Oki Merlot is already asleep. Someone needs to jab her with something….if only we had some chopsticks. Damn!
Red Greenback
May 10th, 2007 at 10:02 am [Reply]

Help, O’Fogeyette!
Please do yer “Twizzle Twazzle Tweezle Twome, time for this one to come home!” thang!!!
Thank you. Red “Tooter Turtle” Greenblatz
Abbey the Wonderdog
May 10th, 2007 at 10:03 am [Reply]

Oki is not asleep.

She is being inscrutable.

Don’t you know that orientals don’t ever open their eyes?

Did you sleep through the Viet Nam War?

What are you, President of the United States?

BARK! BARK! BARK!
calico
May 10th, 2007 at 10:05 am [Reply]

#347 – Next week or month or year, Gabriella gives mouth-to-mouth resuscitation to Luann, all day long.
Plinko Commie
May 10th, 2007 at 10:10 am [Reply]

I’m not reading >380 responses. I like you guys, but I have my limits.

Three (hopefully original) thoughts:

1. New theory on FW: the entire town is built on a buried Indian nuclear power plant.

2. Today’s strip’s third panel may be the most inappropriate response to bad news in comic strip history, if your mind is as diseased as mine. It is.

3. Gwampa Chinnuts’ first full sentence: There once was a man from Nantucket
cheech wizard
May 10th, 2007 at 10:13 am [Reply]

187 – SPEAKING OF VESTED INTERESTS, THE ONE CALLED OKI MERLOT MUST BE PACKING CONCEALED MAGMAPISTOLS IN HER CHESTIAL AREA! WHY NOT JUST SHOOT THE ONE CALLED HEATHER AND BE DONE WITH IT? HAHA!

Your monstrousness is ill-acquainted with earth customs. Proper form would be for Ms. Oki-doki to leap upon the boardroom table and whack off Heather’s head with her katana (in the same motion with which it is drawn) then hold it before the others and scream “IF ANY OF YOU MOTHERFUCKERS HAS ANY QUESTIONS, LET HIM SPEAK NOW!”

Even better than a katana would be a dotanuki – but that’s a different literary reference.
Red Greenback
May 10th, 2007 at 10:24 am [Reply]

376- Mr. Groddeck- I’m pretty much a plugger, but I took Mark Trail’s advice about licorice. And I stayed at a Holiday Inn Express!
Anyway, JP: That’s not really a true mullet dude’s sporting there, it’s more like a “combback”. A true mullet (Tennesee tophat, soccer rocker, sfillbey, ape drape,shlong,etc.) is more “business in the front, party in the rear”.
Johnni Blunders
May 10th, 2007 at 10:24 am [Reply]

FC- Talking Tina claims another soul. I’ll miss you Jeffy buhbye.

51, 104, 126 145,270,277,297,305, well to heck with it! All of you thank you for the laughs.
Skullturf Q. Beavispants
May 10th, 2007 at 10:27 am [Reply]

Re the last panel of today’s Herb & Jamaal: Actually, he does, usually after about 70 or 80 years.
queek
May 10th, 2007 at 10:31 am [Reply]

small “other strip” shout-out in Frazz today.

today’s Non Sequitur wouldn’t be nearly so amusing if it weren’t for last week’s 9CL.. Evil HR director, indeed!

PBS: its got crocs, therefore its good.
stinky pete
May 10th, 2007 at 10:32 am [Reply]

Some Biblical wisdom on the difficulty of coming up with the four-hundredth-ish post of the day:

What has been will be again, what has been done will be done again; there is nothing new under the sun. Is there anything of which one can say, “Look! This is something new”? It was here already, long ago; it was here before our time. There is no remembrance of men of old, and even those who are yet to come will not be remembered by those who follow. … I have seen all the things that are done under the sun; all of them are meaningless, a chasing after the wind.
Red Greenback
May 10th, 2007 at 10:38 am [Reply]

#386-Johnni Blunders-Dang! now I gotta go back and âœ“ all those posts?. I think I should get a rebate from the DMV for my L84WRK personalized plates on my IROC Z!
gh
May 10th, 2007 at 10:41 am [Reply]

FC — Why is he doing that? I mean it. Seriously. Has he walked around all day like that? Is he on his way out and feels compelled to live with his mistake in judgement? Has he also slipped it over his head and mused, â€œThis is why itâ€™s a backpack and not a hatâ€? Or crawled inside and thought, â€œThis is why itâ€™s a backpack and not a spacious three-bedroom apartmentâ€? What gives?
AAckTTpth
May 10th, 2007 at 10:43 am [Reply]

388

Frazz – haha (DT)GT – BURN!

PBS – I did a science project like that once. That’s why I’m not in science.
.Doc
May 10th, 2007 at 10:47 am [Reply]

#356 – If Grandpa was fantasizing about girls in the park, I doubt that his therapist was one of them. After all, her BWR is darn near 1:1! What old codger in his right mind would fantasize about that?
Red Greenback
May 10th, 2007 at 10:56 am [Reply]

Totie Fields vs. Rosie O’Donnell! Be there, Aloha.
Gabe
May 10th, 2007 at 11:00 am [Reply]

Cranky: That kid looks vaguely childish. There was this one little “girl” he drew that looked like a 50 year old male midget in drag.
fizzy logic
May 10th, 2007 at 11:02 am [Reply]

#324 – WhoamItoday? – Karen, please accept my belated condolences on the loss of your aunt.
Gabe
May 10th, 2007 at 11:04 am [Reply]

Here it is! The scariest child Al has ever drawn.
Howard Erk
May 10th, 2007 at 11:08 am [Reply]

tappity tappity tappity

just dancing around waiting for the next thread so these comments don’t get buried.

lord knows, everyone wants to read this crap
Paperback Rifler
May 10th, 2007 at 11:11 am [Reply]

391. re: Family Circus of the Damned — “Why is he doing that? I mean it. Seriously. Has he walked around all day like that?”

Maybe Billy is going through a phase where he’s learning about the world by changing the way he uses everyday objects and seeing what happens. Presumably, he’ll next move on to experimenting with clothing ( “This is why it’s underwear and not overwear!”), hygiene products ( “This is why it’s a feminine napkin and not a dinner napkin!”), and plumbing fixtures ( “This is why it’s a bidet and not a toilet!”)
Cranky
May 10th, 2007 at 11:18 am [Reply]

Gabe, he/she/it is terrifying, but I still think today’s drawing looks like Yogi Berra does today. 81-year-old Yogi Berra.

Yogi.
Today’s horrifying TDIET Child.
stinky pete
May 10th, 2007 at 11:23 am [Reply]

1069! It’s the “Three years After the Battle of Hastings” Post! It’s the “Death of Godfrey the Bearded” Post! ….Ahhhhh, I got nothin’. Josh? New thread?
gh
May 10th, 2007 at 11:27 am [Reply]

Okay, I’m going to the wedding.

http://www.brightcoloredtuxedos.com/orange-tuxedo-package.html

CHENNUX, you still got room in the Gremlin?

fizzy logic — the cops are out with their crank zone radar, so be careful!
Red Greenback
May 10th, 2007 at 11:28 am [Reply]

Howard-Channeling the Festrunk Bros: “Hold it! Let’s catch some rays!”
“Ah, that fox bar was really something tonight. It was no difficulty to see many swinging Americans enjoying each other a great deal.”
“And here is a thing I will tell you: that two swinging foxes have the hots-on for us, and are coming here tonight to let us hold on to their big American breasts!”
[ pours some drinks ] “Why not? There’s nothing preventing them. After all, there is no other pair of Czech brothers who cruise and swing so successfuly in tight slacks!”
Cliff: [ extends his hand for a slap back, but Georg is mesmorized staring at his own slapped hand ] Uh, hi Georg, hi Yortuk. Hey, man, I was invited to this really hot party tonight. Do you guys wanna go?
Yortuk Festrunk: “No way! That’s your funeral!” [ laughs ]
Don’t come crawling to us. Two hot fashion models from the fox bar will be here soon to give themselves to the Festrunk Brothers!
Cliff: [ perplexed ] You.. got two ladies coming here tonight? I don’t believe it.
Georg Festrunk: We cruised for them in our tight slacks which give us great bulges!
Cliff: Wait a minute.. if these chicks were so interested, why didn’t they just come back with you, man?
Yortuk Festrunk: Oh, we gave them the address to our bachelor pad. They had to go to the Statue of Liberty to pick up their birth control devices.
Cliff: Uh, what..? The Statue of Liberty..?

Georg Festrunk: They told us that in America, many American park rangers distribute birth control devices.

Yortuk Festrunk: Poor foxes. Every time they are having sex, they must go to the closest national monument.

Cliff: O-kay.. Yortuk, George.. sit down for a minute, I’ve got to talk to you. [ they all sit down on the couch ] Now, these chicks.. are not going to show up.

Yortuk Festrunk: Who told you that?!

Cliff: Man, you guys have been hosed, baby.

Georg Festrunk: [ excited ] Hosed?! Count me in! [ he and Yortuk laugh ]
Howard Erk
May 10th, 2007 at 11:28 am [Reply]

Josh is busy trying to figure out how to get his front-pack on his back.
Josh
May 10th, 2007 at 11:39 am [Reply]

People, it hasn’t even been 24 hours since the last post. Sheesh. Until the day when I make $100 a day from ads, you’re just going to have accept that I can’t update all the time….

Josh
Artist formerly known as Ben
May 10th, 2007 at 11:44 am [Reply]

Heart of the City: Let’s see, we have one half of a cellphone conversation, mother’s distraught expression, and the last panel is a jokeless cliffhanger. So the substitute writer is either Tom Batiuk or Lynn Johnston. If there’s a faint hope that Heart will make a full recovery, I guess it’s LJ.
SteveRoper
May 10th, 2007 at 11:44 am [Reply]

MW: Look at Vera’s expression (5/10) as she’s cast out of the family manse. I haven’t seen such a look of pitiable pathos since the beavers got separated in Mark Trail.
td
May 10th, 2007 at 11:47 am [Reply]

A3G 5/10: “Oh, mi dios”?!? Geez, lady, did you learn Spanish from Peggy Hill? I admit a fair amount of schooling in the language, and I live pretty close to the TexMex border so I’ve been exposed to a lot of native speakers, but I would have thought even a Canadian foob would know it’s “dios mios”.
Artist formerly known as Ben
May 10th, 2007 at 11:47 am [Reply]

#405,
Actually Josh, I like it better when updates are later in the day. It gives us more time to speculate which comics will be effed up enough to make the cut.
Pedant Patrol
May 10th, 2007 at 11:50 am [Reply]

Actually, Josh, as of your post it had been 24 hours and 14 minutes. I’ll let you off with a warning — this time.
Mad Dog Rackham
May 10th, 2007 at 11:50 am [Reply]

MW: #363 Rich says: I get this sneaking suspicion that Mary wonâ€™t even ask Vera the obvious question, â€œWhat exactly did you do to piss him off so?â€

And yet, if Vera was saying she’d been raped, you just know that Mary would ask “What did you to do to get him so excited, dear?”
Red Greenback
May 10th, 2007 at 11:53 am [Reply]

#405 – I know Josh, youâ€™re doing a great job! â€¦Cmon peeps..buy a taste (tip jar), and help the place!
Howard Erk
May 10th, 2007 at 12:01 pm [Reply]

So, this is a money making deal and not for the enlightenment of mankind.

**slowly shakes head**

** walking away now **

**SIGH**
Mibbitmaker
May 10th, 2007 at 12:02 pm [Reply]

#361: Destroying mute swan eggs? Somewhere, Mary Worth is very upset and saying, “Curses upon you, Ritzilla!”
Melkar
May 10th, 2007 at 12:06 pm [Reply]

Poteet, I told that fat ass Chex Mix last week to stop taking my name in vain!

*mumbles*…damn potato fetish too. He is such a dipshit.

You, on the other hand, may use my name anyway you wish. I like you.
stinky pete
May 10th, 2007 at 12:08 pm [Reply]

405 Josh, I still can’t quite believe that you actually read all these goofy comments, much less take any of them seriously. You should treat requests for a new thread much as O’Fogeyette treats requests that she start drinking more coffee – full of sound and fury & signifying nothing.
Mibbitmaker
May 10th, 2007 at 12:27 pm [Reply]

I have an idea. How about a quicky, low-effort Metapost when the comments get too overloaded. Only if a real post is still a ways away, though. Just a quick-witted, comics-related non sequitur (though not Non Sequitur, that’s Wiley’s) not depending on that-day’s strips. Only when possible, of course; nothing to take away from work or RL.

Just a thought…
Skullturf Q. Beavispants
May 10th, 2007 at 12:27 pm [Reply]

#401 Stinky Pete — it’s the “perfect 10 in a 69″ post. I mean, come on.
AppleGirl
May 10th, 2007 at 12:33 pm [Reply]

405 – Josh, we just can’t get enough of you! Don’t feel nagged upon. The recent wave of Cancerbean Crabbiness has us all looking forward to your fresh new post, is all.
man behind the curtain
May 10th, 2007 at 12:34 pm [Reply]

MW — Thrown out with only the clothes on her back. Which would explain the ever-present purple outfit.
gh
May 10th, 2007 at 12:37 pm [Reply]

#417 Mibbitmaker

Metapost

Fine, have at it.

us

Ha! Ha! He said “at”! I . . . got nothing. So. Anybody seen Clambake lately?
calico
May 10th, 2007 at 12:38 pm [Reply]

#412 – That’s What I Believe Happened!

God, I’ve been waiting to type that all week.
Josh, keep up the great work.
man behind the curtain
May 10th, 2007 at 12:40 pm [Reply]

RMMD — For a possible contact for Oki Merlot, here is a link to Avery international — China:

http://www.avery.com/international/china.html
AppleGirl
May 10th, 2007 at 12:43 pm [Reply]

whoamItoday? – I am sorry to hear of your sad news regarding your beloved auntie. It’s extra difficult when you live so far away in a strange new place. Hang in there, Karen.

Dingo – nam yo-ho renge kyo, nam yo-ho renge kyo, nam yo-ho renge kyo. Good karma to you in Reno. Go west, young man.

gh – Love your orange tux. Can’t wait to stand next to you at the wedding in my teal and magenta.
Chert the Chort
May 10th, 2007 at 12:45 pm [Reply]

Gad, I thought it said “My name is OK! Merlot, Mrs. Avery. Please accept our condolences,” as if a glass of wine would assuage her grief. And seriously, “My name OK! Me love you long time!” Sheesh. Glad I misread it. Not that it would have shocked me, really, in JP.
Poteet
May 10th, 2007 at 12:47 pm [Reply]

# 317 — AppleGirl, per the link in my # 296, I had decided on the “Magically Ever After” Precious Moments figurine as my wedding gift. But I could be persuaded to change my mind if a more wonderful idea came along. Alternatively, there are plenty of other Precious Moments figurines, so maybe we could start a P.M. collection for them.
gh
May 10th, 2007 at 12:48 pm [Reply]

Josh –

What amazes me is that you can come in 15 hours after we’ve flogged some of these strips within an inch of their lives and still make crisp, funny, nuanced and original comments on them. You da Pope!
Jim Thorp(e)
May 10th, 2007 at 12:48 pm [Reply]

The monkeys have taken Clambake away!!!

They may be planning to eat him!!!!

Oh, the humanity……
Howard Erk
May 10th, 2007 at 12:51 pm [Reply]

yeah, josh be da pope

he can set the top snark and send the comments on their merry way.

**hurl**
gh
May 10th, 2007 at 12:51 pm [Reply]

#424 AppleGirl

Orange next to teal and magenta. Iâ€™m game, but maybe we better check the local ordinances first. There may be a law against that.
stinky pete
May 10th, 2007 at 12:57 pm [Reply]

418 SQB, I guess if it’s 10 in ‘69, it could also refer to Duffy Dyer or Ellie Hendricks (1000 points for anyone who gets that one).
Poteet
May 10th, 2007 at 1:04 pm [Reply]

# 402 — YAY! gh, that tux was MADE for this wedding.
anonymous
May 10th, 2007 at 1:06 pm [Reply]

Oki Merlot? Half Japanese/half French? OK, I can see that, but what’s with the dress? That’s worn by VietNamese or Chinese or Singaporean women, isn’t it? And so why is she wearing it? (That’s like a half Japanese/half French MAN show up somewhere dressed in German lederhosen, don’t you think?)

And the chopsticks in the hair? If they’re real, actual chopsticks, I suppose it’s to enhance the exotic Chinese look, though why a Japanese woman is striving for a Chinese look is still unanswered. (Japanese people are very well dressed and wear the latest fashions.) Any accessory shop will sell ‘hair sticks’, which are similar to chopsticks, I have a pair of (fake) tortiseshell ones I just wore in my hair yesterday.
fizzy logic
May 10th, 2007 at 1:09 pm [Reply]

#292 – Andreavis – I love the dress! If by love, I really mean instead that am slightly scared of it and would hide from it much like my cat hides from the vacuum cleaner when it is brought out of the closet. I can’t wait to see all the beauties at the wedding. I haven’t yet received my invite in the mail, but I’m hoping that Shawna-Marie will take me up on my offer to check coats or serve coffee in the basement of the church. Just want to see everyone!

#335 – Squid Countess – You make me laugh! I also liked your HOLYSHITMONKEYS story the other day about your sleeping cat.
gh
May 10th, 2007 at 1:13 pm [Reply]

#432 Poteet

Indeed! I know I’ll need that stick to stave off the horde of admirers.

Oh, and #
fizzy logic
May 10th, 2007 at 1:15 pm [Reply]

Today I am wearing the hairsticks in honor of Oki Merlot. Here are some pros and cons:

Pros:
Very simple, just wind the hair up and stick the sticks in.
The sticks themselves are kind of cute and work with the outfit.
I’m feeling very inscrutable.

Cons:
My hair is really too long and too heavy – they’re giving me kind of a headache.
Not my best hairstyle.
They get caught on the car door frame in and out of the door.

So there you have it – back to the braid tomorrow then!
Poteet
May 10th, 2007 at 1:18 pm [Reply]

# 405 — Your Holiness, most of us are just grateful you provide this site, and we appreciate new posts whenever they come along.

# 415 — Melkar, I’m quite flattered, and appreciate knowing I can use your name. Does it have a meaning in English that I should know?

# 430 — gh, I’ve already expressed some fear that our spectacular wedding color combinations might cause our dimension of the universe to shimmer violently and then collapse. But for the fun we’ll have, I’m willing to chance it. Besides, if it did happen, we’d be taking Lizard and Angsthony and other Foobians with us, which would be some consolation.
gh
May 10th, 2007 at 1:22 pm [Reply]

#432 Poteet

Indeed! I know I’ll need that stick to stave off the horde of admirers. And [#437] to wedge into the space-time portal so we can all make it back safely.

Oh, and #284 [yesterthread] is why I always make sure, even a day later, to go back and check. Platter Rat! BWA!

Oops, new thread up!
Poteet
May 10th, 2007 at 1:23 pm [Reply]

# 434 — fizzy logic, to paraphrase the famous Sierra Madre movie — invites? We don’t NEED no steenkin’ invites!
Dick24
May 10th, 2007 at 1:41 pm [Reply]

#87- Greatest… post… well, maybe not ever, but… best one I’ve read today.
Skullturf Q. Beavispants
May 10th, 2007 at 1:55 pm [Reply]

#431 Stinky Pete — Because I have Google, I now know, despite being a Canadian born in 1974, that Duffy Dyer and Ellie Hendricks both played in the 1969 World Series, for the Mets and Orioles respectively. But I don’t get the #10 reference.
Dono
May 10th, 2007 at 3:36 pm [Reply]

Jessied, if you were out walking your dog named Mustard, I’d pretend to have a dog just so I could chat you up.
Red Greenback
May 10th, 2007 at 5:47 pm [Reply]

Jim Thorpe(e) -428-”Oh, the inanity!”

AppleGirl-My ribbed -knit dirndl is in a very becoming chartreuse and forest and mustard tartan plaid. and the old Escort is purring like that 9CL cat!

And Dingo is gonna rock in Reno!
Vince M.
May 10th, 2007 at 5:49 pm [Reply]

267: Yes! Thank you for that. I will have to get the MAD cd set – the digital image is so much sharper than those tiny pulp paperbacks.

402: Wow – so much for the adage ‘everyone looks good in a tux’.
Red Greenback
May 10th, 2007 at 5:58 pm [Reply]

#435-gh- Best make that a barky stick-5 or 6 whacks’ll open it up real good!
bunx
May 10th, 2007 at 6:11 pm [Reply]

No, Jeffy, you don’t have to listen to the doll, but don’t you want to?â€”Do it, Jeffy! Do the deed!
Xayide
May 10th, 2007 at 8:29 pm [Reply]

Barney Google began to slowly and inexorably become Snuffy Smith the day that Barney went down for a vacation in the hill country.
Is the namesake of the comic, Mr. Judge Parker himself, off in such a purgatory? From 1994 until, well, I started reading this blog I thought it was Sam Parker off with the mulleted red-head and their two mysterious wards.
Len
May 10th, 2007 at 9:13 pm [Reply]

#327 — Berkekey Breathed has a Granthony-style mustache! A porn-star soupstrainer! (He’s sorta cute, too.)

And where can I get an Opus doll like that?
CrabbyGenes
May 10th, 2007 at 10:50 pm [Reply]

To #28 Johnny: Thanks for the link to Wikipedia explaining kanzashi, and the difference between kanzashi and chopsticks.

I’m an American in my fifties, and have lived in Japan for 30 years. I don’t recall seeing anyone with actual chopsticks in their hair, though women in kimono formal dress do sometimes use kanzashi. This is not to say that chopsticks in the hair would never catch on here–I’ve seen some pretty incredible fashion trends among Japanese teenagers over the years. From my point of view though, using actual chopsticks in one’s hair is kind of weird. Sort of like the way Ariel in Disney’s THE LITTLE MERMAID persists in combing her hair with a fork. Americans, would you put spoons, forks, or knives in your hair-dos? No? Then why chopsticks??
CrabbyGenes
May 10th, 2007 at 11:39 pm [Reply]

Now I’m wondering if anyone else really reads down this far when the thread gets this long—especially if there is a new thread up. (All you people who believe in fairies, clap your hands!)
Josh
May 10th, 2007 at 11:41 pm [Reply]

#450 CrabbyGenes-

*clap clap clap*

Josh
Rozzen
May 10th, 2007 at 11:47 pm [Reply]

Because chopsticks can be bought really cheaply at any hyaku-en shop of course.
How expensive are kanzashi anyway ?
CrabbyGenes
May 11th, 2007 at 12:53 am [Reply]

#451, Josh. WOW!! The Pope himself! I am simply agog! (Thanks!)

and #452, Rozzen. Good point. And I have no idea how expensive kanzashi are, but this being Japan, and kanzashi being a traditional item, they probably cost quite a bit. By the way, do you live here too?

(For anyone else who has ventured this far down the thread, “hyaku-en” shops are 100-yen shops, the Japanese equivalent of U.S. dollar stores. This explanation has been brought to you by the foreign culture explanation compulsion of the Crabby Genes. And now, back to seeing if this incredibly long thread acquires any more comments…)
Evan Waters
May 11th, 2007 at 2:06 am [Reply]

Just breast cancer again?

They’re losing their edge, man.
Funky smellingbean
May 11th, 2007 at 1:13 pm [Reply]

#370:

Wally can’t get killed in Iraq, he needs to get horribly maimed. Lose more limbs than his wife, and be brain-damaged to boot.

And Les doesn’t hang himself, but comes to work and starts shooting everybody to spread the pain, and splatters the goth chick all over home room.

Actually I figure Lisa will make a death bed confession that she killed Darling ’cause he knocked her up and Darren will have been boinking his sister!
Ken Layne
May 11th, 2007 at 11:50 pm [Reply]

What’s Leonard Cohen doing in the first panel of that Apt. 3-G strip?

(And yes, when you walk your dog in the park the idea is to find another dog that your dog wants to hump, and then you and the owner of the other dog go in the bushes and have anal sex. This is how they rock it in Rock Creek Park, I’ve heard.)
Uncle Lumpy
May 13th, 2007 at 3:39 pm [Reply]

Test post – pay it no mind!
Shannon
May 23rd, 2007 at 2:29 pm [Reply]

I realize this is sort of besides the point, but I know tons of long haired women who use hair sticks (which, yes, are essentially chopsticks) to hold their hair up. Myself among them.
nemoErensenuT
February 9th, 2008 at 8:06 pm [Reply]

I’d prefer reading in my native language, because my knowledge of your languange is no so well. But it was interesting! Look for some my links:

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