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Dr. Drew busts a move

Pluggers and Slylock Fox, 7/12/07

Pluggers are xenophobes. Hungry, hungry xenophobes.

I feel like there must be something of this dynamic going on in today’s Slylock Fox six differences, too. Why does Buzzy McFlatop harbor such simmering resentment towards the pizza delivery fellow? Presumably he rages inwardly because his children can’t get enough of that ethnic food imported to this great country by unwashed papist immigrants from the filthy Mediterranean countries. If only he could get decent, wholesome American fare delivered, like … um … venison? Turkey? I’m kind of at a loss.

Gil Thorp, 7/12/07

YEAH, BABY, I’M DIGGING MY GIL THORP SUMMER OF TOTAL INSANITY! Why won’t she give you a little kiss? Maybe it’s because she doesn’t feel like smooching the smooth, featureless skin on the front of your head, you no-faced freak. Fortunately, Walter Cronkite is here to come at you at a spatially baffling angle and smack you right in the spot where your mouth should be.

Blondie, 7/12/07

“Also, the front and the back are entirely different colors. Trust me, it’s all the rage this year. The Japanese have been wasting their time on lowering gas mileage, but Detroit’s been investing in the two-tone look.”

Mary Worth, 7/12/07

“Or, to put it another way, what can I do to you … with my penis? Wait, did I say that last part out loud?”

702 responses to “Dr. Drew busts a move”

  1. windie
    July 12th, 2007 at 1:05 am [Reply]

    uumm, he’s mad because pizza guy took a bite out of his pizza!

  2. Matt Ramone
    July 12th, 2007 at 1:07 am [Reply]

    Plus Mr. No Face is apparently going after what appears to be a well-aged Cougar. Maybe Walter is protecting his trophy wife of 20 years ago?

  3. Ramian
    July 12th, 2007 at 1:07 am [Reply]

    Yeah, it’s a bit odd he didn’t take a slice, but just pulled it up to his little mouth and took a chomp.

    He is clearly insane, which is why he is wearing a bowtie with short-sleeved orange shirt.

    And a vintage Soda-Jerk hat.

  4. stewart
    July 12th, 2007 at 1:07 am [Reply]

    Josh, there’s a slice missing out of the pizza!

  5. Wrandom
    July 12th, 2007 at 1:13 am [Reply]

    The pizza delivery dude was so hungry he not only ate a slice of pizza but also a shrub, his car door handle … and his pen! Wait, did I say that last part out loud?

  6. lughcifer
    July 12th, 2007 at 1:14 am [Reply]

    Oh, Dr. Cory! You wow me with your charm and wit! Oh no, wait…that’s not right. You wow me with your dazzling good looks. No, wait, that’s not applicable either. You wow me with your fashion sense. No, no…that’s not entirely accurate either. Well…er…you…er…you’re breathing, I guess…kinda. That’s a good start, I suppose.

  7. Uncle Lumpy
    July 12th, 2007 at 1:16 am [Reply]

    Someday, one of the six differences in Slylock Fox will be that there are only five differences. Are you prepared for such a day?

  8. Old Bean
    July 12th, 2007 at 1:18 am [Reply]

    I thought Mr Crewcut was angry because the delivery guy spat out his chewing tobacco on the pizza. C’mon, who here hasn’t had that problem with bowtie-wearing, sailor-hatted pizza-delivery guys?

  9. Old Bean
    July 12th, 2007 at 1:19 am [Reply]

    Also his kids are on crack. That makes you grumpy to begin with.

  10. NotThatGuy
    July 12th, 2007 at 1:23 am [Reply]

    It was a bite out of the pizza? Man, you ‘mudges have better eyes than I do. I thought it was a poop on the pizza, and I’d be mad too.

  11. Kashi
    July 12th, 2007 at 1:27 am [Reply]

    I was gonna be all “uh… he took a bite outta tha pizza” but I see it’s already been done.
    Now, in Gil thorp, does she(kelly or something?) have a gigantic bouquet of flowers around her neck or is that just me?

  12. benzo
    July 12th, 2007 at 1:29 am [Reply]

    There’s only one way I can make sense of today’s Gil Thorp:

    Bob seems to ask if Kelly is too stuck up to kiss him while it is clearly her fathers intervention that is preventing such activity. In fact, Bob’s exclamation isn’t directed at Kelly as that would be totally unwarranted. Rather it is directed at her father. You see, Bob is a very worldly fellow, and has become accustomed to the European trend of two men kissing each other on each cheek as a greeting. This is such a greatly adhered to tradition in Europe that it is even practiced when greeting a dude who is trying to score with your daughter.

  13. Robert Whitaker Sirignano
    July 12th, 2007 at 1:29 am [Reply]

    I thought Plugger enthic food was a hot dog.

    Gil Thorpe: how come they all have the stiffness of a department store dress dummy?

    I think your bandwidth has been comprimised. Many times I’ve loaded this site up and the computer/AOL just winks out.

  14. dbp
    July 12th, 2007 at 1:32 am [Reply]

    There’s an old Far Side that has two large polar bears hunched around an igloo, with one telling the other, “I love these things – crunchy outside and a chewy center.”

    This thought crossed my mind as I contemplated why this bear plugger is so excited about his “Eskimo Pie.”

  15. Trotzenbonnie
    July 12th, 2007 at 1:33 am [Reply]

    Gil Thorp – Oh. I thought it was Walter Cronkite who was too stuck up to give a guy a little kiss, hence the ‘il Duce’ to The Cheek. And I just love Kelly’s corsage – but then any man like Bob who can wear earrings so well would surely know how to pick out a pretty bunch of posies for his date.

  16. jerry
    July 12th, 2007 at 1:36 am [Reply]

    If only he’d say that last part about his penis aloud. Please. Oh, please. It would be an improvement to the strip that would be indescribable in its beauty, wouldn’t it?

  17. Trilobite
    July 12th, 2007 at 1:36 am [Reply]

    Hey, for once I’m not showing up early! Thursday’s comics are here!:

    Gil Thorp: Wait a second…isn’t that no-faced smoocher actually Gail Martin’s banjo player from yesterday’s strip? Perhaps he’s The Question…in which case, the lady in the booth must just be an innocent bystander, and our faceless masher is actually out to tickle the tonsils of Commissioner Gordon, who just doesn’t swing that way for any vigilante. (Yes, I know, Renee Montoya is The Question now, even though she was about a billion times cooler as a drunk ex-cop with a private investigator’s license. Get thee behind me, fellow comics nerds.)

    Seriously, though, perhaps this story is going to be about how Bob teaches the rude sons of bitches in Central City all about manners and decency. Kind of a “My Fair Lady” thing, only with a tranvestite Heat Miser in the Henry Higgins role and a whole city full of loudmouthed store mannequins as Eliza. And at the end, Bob will climb up on a table and make a speech, and everyone will applaud.

    Mark Trail: You can tell Sam’s desperate for some action by how quickly she responds to the commissioner’s seductive desk-leaning. Is this the first time that’s actually worked, or just the first time someone’s tried it on anyone other than the congenitally genital-free Mark Trail? Or are those two questions pretty much the same?

    Mary Worth: Put a black leather jacket on Drew and a poodle skirt on Vera, and you’ve got a production of “Grease” worthy of Santa Royale’s finest dinner theatre. Okay, I get that the color lackeys working in the Mary Worth sweatshop don’t know whether Drew’s hair is that orangey-brown or just black, but I thought Giella at least knew that Drew didn’t have a pompadour yesterday.

    (Days of unnecessary explanation in Dick Tracy: 2)

  18. Brown-eyed Girl
    July 12th, 2007 at 1:38 am [Reply]

    GT. Ok, mabye it’s just my poor eyesight and lousy computer monitor, but it looks like Kelly has pointed ears in panel two. Satan? Mr. Spock in drag? Dru from Pibgorn? Probably the latter, since an eyeless zombie having a lover’s spat with a faceless man seems like something we’d see in Pibgorn.

    Alternatively, the guy in the suit was photoshopped in to the last panel. I’d suspect Dean Booth, except he would have done a much better job.

  19. Ramian
    July 12th, 2007 at 1:44 am [Reply]

    It also appears that he just kinda tossed one on the ground, unless that is the lid to the one up top. Are there ANY places that do that though?

  20. Ramian
    July 12th, 2007 at 1:47 am [Reply]

    *addition to last one by me*

    Serves him right for paying in Monopoly money though.

    Not even the good stuff. He paid him in monopoly ones.

  21. Burning Prairie
    July 12th, 2007 at 1:51 am [Reply]

    This is what happens when you stay up too late. Curmudgeon fresh and hot just like at Krispy Kreme. And my mama said nothing good happened after midnight!

  22. Brown-eyed Girl
    July 12th, 2007 at 1:58 am [Reply]

    FBOFW. WTF?! I hope this is a random, space wasting pun. I do not want to see Elly tangle with rodents, unless they chew her face off.

    9CL. Speaking of which…Whenever McEldowney indluges himself by showing panel after panel of Edda kissing Amos, I like imagine that in the last panel she’ll open her huge jawless mouth and bite his head off. But that’s just me.

  23. Brown-eyed Girl
    July 12th, 2007 at 2:01 am [Reply]

    “indulges”, I mean to say.

  24. Will
    July 12th, 2007 at 2:08 am [Reply]

    I’m betraying some ignorance here, but what do Eskimo even eat (or rather, what did Eskimo eat before McDonalds moved into Northern Canada)? If Eskimo cuisine specifically is plugger ethnic food, why show an Eskimo pie and not something more authentic? If not–and I’m guessing not, although that bear looks ready to jam some salmon–why not show something that plays off an actual ethnicity whose food is widely served in restaurants (using, say, “French” fries, an “Italian” sub, a “Hamburg”er) and underscore the cultural illiteracy of those stupid xenophobic pluggers?

    As it is though, it makes me wonder about the Eskimo culinary tradition. Anybody know?

  25. The Avocado Avenger
    July 12th, 2007 at 2:10 am [Reply]

    Funky Winkerbean – From a distance, Lisa now looks like Crankshaft. That leaves, what, just two more signs of the apocalypse left?

    Gil Thorp – For some reason, I keep imagining that our “Tarzana Nights” smooth-faced friend here is saying “you’re too stuck up to kiss the little guy”, and that changes the meaning. For the better. I hope this kicks off a whole week of fun euphemisms.

    (This is where I deliberately fail to mention that the word “crankshaft” is a euphemism. Oh, wait, I did that wrong.)

    Slylock Fox – That doesn’t look like a missing slice as much as it looks like a little tiny black hole in the middle of the pizza.

  26. Echo
    July 12th, 2007 at 2:12 am [Reply]

    GT: Biggest corsage ever. That, or she’s simply an earth goddess and is blooming.

    MW: If a guy tried to pick me up with that line, I’d hang up on him. Seriously, I just imagined Jonny Depp saying it and thought “ew”. Of course, I, unlike Vera, am from the planet Earth, not the planet Charterstone.

    Curtis: If Michelle “literally breathed fire”, then she should have won. Cuz that’s awesome. Maybe she’s a shapeshifted dragon.

    FOOB: Does not anger me today. Because it’s only a bit dumber and more vile (dead squirrels) than the rest of the comics today, and not a hellish window into the gaping pit of the anti-feminist, anti-child, anti-humanity narcissism that is its creator’s soul.

  27. Echo
    July 12th, 2007 at 2:13 am [Reply]

    P.S. #24 Will — Eskimo culinary traditions = seal. Lots of seal.

  28. t.a.m.s.y.
    July 12th, 2007 at 2:17 am [Reply]

    There’s a piece of pizza missing? To me, it looks like an olive. Which only goes to reinforce the anti-Mediterranean thread of this strip. The Man is always trying to keep us Greeks down.

    There’s something disconcerting about Mary Worth having just jumped forward in time “several days.” Am I to understand it that these several days were so devoid of action that not even Karen Moy could be bothered to stretch them out into three-to-six months’ worth of strips? Is Mary fighting through some kind of heroin-addled paralysis? And if so, why weren’t we treated to her extensive nightmare sequences about Dr. Jeff and the whirlpool of IRS paperwork from which he must be forcibly rescued?

  29. Brown-eyed Girl
    July 12th, 2007 at 2:21 am [Reply]

    25. AA. A singularity that will pull the remainder of the pizza past the event horizon before his children can devour it. If that happens, they will devour him instead, the slavering zombies. No wonder he’s pissed.

    Actually, I can’t see a damn thing wrong the pizza (eyesight, monitor, who knows). I’m taking everybody’s word here.

  30. Other_Sally
    July 12th, 2007 at 2:27 am [Reply]

    Wow, that Dr. Cory is one smooth operator. If someone ever pulled a line that lame on me, my answer would be, “I suppose you could begin with yardwork, for starters.”

  31. Other_Sally
    July 12th, 2007 at 2:29 am [Reply]

    It would be pretty awesome if dimwit Vera took him at his word though, and the next strip had her asking him about this weird-shaped mole she had on her foot, and could he really schedule a biopsy free of charge, etc etc?

  32. Brown-eyed Girl
    July 12th, 2007 at 2:29 am [Reply]

    27. Did you say seals?

    And Lio has a zombie too!

  33. Skulking on the Outskirts
    July 12th, 2007 at 2:34 am [Reply]

    # 24, Will- It depends on what kind of “Eskimo” you mean. Up in Alaska, there’s Inuit, Aleut, Tlingit, and Athabascan, to name a few. Some were inland, some lived on the coast, and the Aleuts lived on the Aleutian islands (big surprise). I think those that lived waaaay up within the Arctic circle did eat a lot of seal, also whale, and I would assume fish, too. But I’m no geologist, nor anthropologist either. BTW, I hear they hate the term “Eskimo”.
    I’m just sayin’…..

  34. Skulking on the Outskirts
    July 12th, 2007 at 2:38 am [Reply]

    # 32, B.E.G.–OMG, has Lio turned his dad into a zombie?!

    The boy’s gone too far this time!

  35. Lydia
    July 12th, 2007 at 2:50 am [Reply]

    Gil Thorpe: The ruffian harassing the lady is clearly the ruffian in the crowd in yesterday’s strip. And the aforementioned lady is clearly Gail Martin herself. I guess her stunning rendition of “Tarzana Nights” just wasn’t enough for him.

  36. AppleGirl
    July 12th, 2007 at 3:14 am [Reply]

    MW – Well. That was awkward.

    11 – (DT)GT – Kashi, I stared at that flower necklace for a long time trying to figure out why someone would wear such a gigantic neck corsage to a “rock” concert. But then I realized her date is the guy wearing pearl earrings, so then it all made sense.

  37. t.a.m.s.y.
    July 12th, 2007 at 3:27 am [Reply]

    Hot off the presses, folks:

    Review from Zagat Milford 2007
    http://milford.zagat.com

    The Milford CAFE
    Milford, USA

    Hands down “the best fine dining in all of Milford,” this “brick” “gem” bewitches gourmands with an “extensive selection” of “artfully prepared” New American pancakes, bacon and milk. The “sturdy structure” features a “large glass window” displaying a “giant business card,” and “curtains on the outside of the building” for “no goddamn reason.” Some complain about the “rough neighborhood,” which is “overrun” with “violent tuxedoed geriatrics” — especially “late at night” “after concerts” when “most upscale restaurants would be closed, you would think,” but “whatever.” Equally “offputting” is the busboy who “repeatedly interrupts conversations” with claims he “played in the Negro Leagues,” even though he is “only 39″ and “not black.” But overall, locals cherish CAFE’s “quirky ambiance” and “laminated menus” and “functioning restrooms” and “cold milk” and “that it’s not the Bucket,” calling it the “perfect setting” to “celebrate not having cancer.” Young men who “spoil” “attractive” dates here are a “shoe-in” to be invited to “go to” “the Bucket” afterwards, even though they already “ate.”

  38. Sandiera
    July 12th, 2007 at 4:10 am [Reply]

    FOOB: Who wants to bet the price for the mothballs and paint is one renovated basement apartment?

  39. Ginger Yellow
    July 12th, 2007 at 5:12 am [Reply]

    GT: It took me a good five minutes to figure out what relation the third panel bore to the first two. I’m still trying to figure out how they’re supposed to have eaten dinner. There’s no table where they’re sitting.

  40. gleeb
    July 12th, 2007 at 5:22 am [Reply]

    Slylock Fox: ‘Tis the black spot! His former shipmates have finally caught up with this treacherous dog, and are ready to mete out pirate justice. That’d upset anyone.

  41. yusifu
    July 12th, 2007 at 5:36 am [Reply]

    GT: It’s a poignant summer coming out story… Faceless zombie was on a date with Walter, but just as he moved in for a kiss Walter began paying attention to the woman at the next table. When faceless zombie protests, Walter gives him a Nazi salute.

  42. Scud
    July 12th, 2007 at 5:42 am [Reply]

    Josh how can you even notice six differences if you can’t even notice the missing slice of pizza and the pizza guy chewing food?

  43. Harry Paratestes
    July 12th, 2007 at 5:55 am [Reply]

    (DT)GT: Only in Milford could Kelly wear a freakish corsage the size of her entire head, and yet still not stand out from the crowd of equally weird-looking freaks. And the old guy (Walter) is just happy caressing his boy-toy’s face, being unwilling to come out in front of his wife.

  44. ChristyNell
    July 12th, 2007 at 6:07 am [Reply]

    GT: Maybe the flowers are actually in a vase on the table?

  45. Harry Paratestes
    July 12th, 2007 at 6:13 am [Reply]

    No, that’s too mundane an explanation ;-)

  46. Ogg Ogglesby
    July 12th, 2007 at 6:17 am [Reply]

    The coloring gnomes added a seventh difference just to mess with our heads. The brake light.

  47. colorado
    July 12th, 2007 at 6:24 am [Reply]

    In GT, what is that around her neck in panel 2? Did she just sprout flowers outta there???

  48. Jamus The Bartender
    July 12th, 2007 at 6:33 am [Reply]

    FOOB: I think that last panel should read , “Three hundred dollars or I piss on your flowers, Mrs. Patterson.”

  49. Little A.
    July 12th, 2007 at 6:34 am [Reply]

    GT: That ain’t the banjo player from the concert. As I said yesterday somewhere, that guy was a delivery man from an Italian grocery store who was delivering a big batch of unboiled linguine and a large round hard cheese. The reason he wound up on the stage in the concert was, he was sleepwalking.

    Anyway, I have a theory (perhaps elucidated by others already) that reason the “people” in Gil Thorp always seem to be floating in a gravity-free atmosphere is, the strip takes place in the 11th dimension where the laws of physics as we understand them don’t apply. Nor the laws of common sense.

    Also the artist can’t draw feet.

  50. dreadedcandiru2
    July 12th, 2007 at 6:36 am [Reply]

    FOOB : After yesterday’s half-hearted, Mother-knows-best, non-apology, we get some actual humor as we find out that John bought a damn money pit, the idiot. (Aw, crap! April takes it up the ass again ’cause they gotta spend the ‘fix up the basement for her’ fund to fix all the stuff Stibbs ‘forgot’ to tell them about.)

    Curtis : Geez, if I had a girlfiend who could breathe fire, I wouldn’t be shivering in fear. Think of all the money you’d save not needing an oven or barbeque.

    Crankshaft : Today, we find out (or, at best, are reminded) Ed doesn’t have any more use for waitresses than Lynn Johnston does.

    DtM : Hmmmmmm. This is something I’d expect Biily from FC to say. Then again, he’s been working their side of the street for a while, so……

    FW : Glurge, rising, RISING!!

    SpiderMan : ‘Hi! I’m J. Jonah Jameson and I’d like to blow a million dollars by flushing out every fruitcake in the Lower 48 with access to a Spider Man costume.’

  51. Jamus The Bartender
    July 12th, 2007 at 6:36 am [Reply]

    24, 33. Also,they, have like , a dozen different words for snow, but no word for love.

  52. Pozzo
    July 12th, 2007 at 6:40 am [Reply]

    What would a plugger do for a Klondike bar? Bathe twice in one week?

  53. man behind the curtain
    July 12th, 2007 at 6:51 am [Reply]

    MW — The real question is how long is it going to take before they actually do it to each other? Maybe they have to sit down with Mary for the “talk” before they make any attempt at consummation. Of course, the tuna Dr. Drew wants isn’t Mary’s casserole.

  54. Plus a constant
    July 12th, 2007 at 6:59 am [Reply]

    Hey Drew Carey, maybe the pizza guy wouldn’t have dropped a deuce on your pizza if you hadn’t paid him with two blank pieces of paper.

  55. Squawk
    July 12th, 2007 at 7:08 am [Reply]

    Hey, Drew Carey makes a guest appearance in today’s Slylock Fox. Yeah, I think he’s mad because the delivery guy took a bite out of the pizza. Well, I’m convinced — I’m never ordering from Dominic’s again. From now on I’m gonna stick with Luigi’s or Mario’s or Vittorio’s.

  56. Winnie Winkle
    July 12th, 2007 at 7:10 am [Reply]

    I just woke up and when I read (DT)GT, I thought faceless dude was asking Walter Cronkite for a kiss. Now that would have been more interesting. I’m betting faceless dude is the drunk “ease up friend” guy. I’m hoping it is, so I can hear Kaz say those immortal words again.

  57. Motorposus
    July 12th, 2007 at 7:11 am [Reply]

    I love Vera’s computer. It’s a cross between a toaster oven and a machine that goes “bing!”

  58. scan
    July 12th, 2007 at 7:12 am [Reply]

    That’s Inuit Pie You Plugger racist!

  59. AhClem
    July 12th, 2007 at 7:17 am [Reply]

    Famous line from the Stanley Kubrick movie “2001: a FOOB Odyssey”:

    “My God, it’s full of squirrels!”

  60. Amy
    July 12th, 2007 at 7:22 am [Reply]

    MW: I do love how Drew Cory’s hair color changes to match his clothes…way cool.

  61. AhClem
    July 12th, 2007 at 7:31 am [Reply]

    MW – Probably the most amazing thing about today’s strip is the box in the upper left corner which reads “Several Days Later…” Considering the glacial pace at which things usually unfold in the MaryVerse, I can only guess that there must have been a fire at the syndicate office, and about six years’ worth of MW strips were destroyed.

  62. McManx
    July 12th, 2007 at 7:43 am [Reply]

    Blondie — besides the two-toned paint job, the “tow bar” is actually a trailer hitch. Freakin’ American made cars…

    GT – I just figured out that the Gil Thorp characters are not drawn, but fashioned out of old 1960s advertising clip art trimmed and repositioned in odd angles. It’s the only answer.

  63. kevin
    July 12th, 2007 at 7:45 am [Reply]

    Thanks, #35! I knew the diner trouble maker was the heckler, but I didn’t recoginze his intended victim as the singer. Looks like it’s going to come to fisitcuffs! Or fisting, if it was a gay porn movie, because that’s what they do to obnixious jerks in diners in gay porn movies – take em’ into the back alley and give them what for. Or so I’ve heard…No, I think I’ll stick with fisticuffs. That seems more likely.

  64. jakester
    July 12th, 2007 at 7:46 am [Reply]

    Slylock: I am really steamed myself. I thought this was my breakthrough day, the first time I ever correctly found all six of the differences in the pictures. The girl’s arm, the door handle, the tie, the bush, the pen, and … the tail lights! One of which is red, the other white! But no, I’m told, it is instead the god damn steam. I guess when the strips are primarily seen in black & white, any color differences are mere red herrings.

    Sigh.

  65. Tweeks_Coffee
    July 12th, 2007 at 7:55 am [Reply]

    Curtis: There we go, more of the ventriloquist guy. Though they still haven’t explained what he was doing in a karaoke contest.

    FC: That is the single biggest bugle I’ve ever seen. It really looks more like he’s playing a mini tuba.

    FOOB: So, will Elly accept this gigolo’s offer? I’m on the edge of my seat.

    FW: She didn’t say anything vaguely smirk-worthy, why the hell is Holly smirking like there’s no tomorrow?

    GA: Yeah, if those black kids aren’t playing basketball than they’re getting into trouble.

    GT: It took me a minute to realize that the faceless man there was asking the woman and not Mr. Cronkite for the kiss. I mean, he does seem to be looking straight at him. And by “looking”, I of course mean directing his completely featureless face in that direction.

    MT: That’s all the evidence you can come up with? This guy just convicted himself, couldn’t he have at least come up with some BS about how they need a larger airport?

  66. mere cog in the machine
    July 12th, 2007 at 7:58 am [Reply]

    GT: In yesterday’s strip, “Tarzana Nights!” guy appeared to be attempting to unscrew his own head. Frustrated at his lack of success, he apparently settled for obliterating his own face. Those Central City guys are out of control!

  67. mere cog in the machine
    July 12th, 2007 at 8:04 am [Reply]

    Oh and hey, wasn’t “Tarzana Nights” the B side of the Seekers “Georgie Girl”?

  68. lawoot
    July 12th, 2007 at 8:06 am [Reply]

    FOOB: I think that Lynn’s finally listening to her detractors – unfortunately, she’s misunderstanding – people think HER attic’s full of squrrels, not her character’s new house.

  69. Chris
    July 12th, 2007 at 8:07 am [Reply]

    Josh, we desperately need a Gail Martin/Tarzana Nights t-shirt.

    FOOB: Pest removal guy is also a male prostitute.

    MW: Dr. Cory has every STD known to man.

    JP: Another fat, blustery jackass for Sam to dispatch.

    Blondie: Yeah, that’s a great sales pitch–”buy from us and we’ll haul your car away, you dipshit.”

    RMMD: Damn, doesn’t look like there’s going to be a lez fest after all.

    GA: Slim eats Eskimo Pies when he wants something “different.”

    Luann: Did TJ actually say “edress”?

  70. andreavis
    July 12th, 2007 at 8:09 am [Reply]

    MW: looks like Dr. Drew is workin’ the Elvis in Jailhouse Rock look. Which is appropriate, since Vera has the emotional range of a wooden chair.

  71. TurtleBoy
    July 12th, 2007 at 8:12 am [Reply]

    Blondie: I guess that in a world where it’s still de rigeur to wear blue plaid sport coats and shirts featuring singular giant buttons placed at the midriff, driving a teal-and-sepia car isn’t that bad of an aesthetic nightmare.

    Foob: Elly is enraptured by the charms of this handyman. Tomorrow she’ll break free from his spell and blurt it out: “I see you have a pornstache. We have a young daughter who will soon be of marriageable age. Are you game?”

  72. ollievee
    July 12th, 2007 at 8:13 am [Reply]

    GT: And how did the flower/corsage/vase end up on a shelf in panel 3?

  73. TurtleBoy
    July 12th, 2007 at 8:16 am [Reply]

    MT: Commissioner John Q. McChauvinist reminds me of an MST3K line from the classic, Space Mutiny: “She’s got a degree from MIT, but she still has to serve drinks to men.”

    TDIET: At first glance I coulda sworn today’s antihero was named “Afro.” Imagine my chagrin at finding that no, Scaduto indeed had not yet integrated his strip.

  74. Gojira
    July 12th, 2007 at 8:17 am [Reply]

    Somehow, this NY Times feature article missed including the plight of spiky-haired white teen evacuees forced to “catch trout” with doctors in basements.

  75. 12xuser
    July 12th, 2007 at 8:23 am [Reply]

    MW – Several MORE Days Later:

    “No, Dr. Drew! The question is, what can I do for you?”

    “No, Vera! The question is, what can I do for you?”

    “No, Dr. Drew! The question is, what can I do for you?”

    “No, Vera! The question is, what can I do for you?”

    . . .

  76. Dennis Jimenez
    July 12th, 2007 at 8:25 am [Reply]

    MT – Perhaps you could see things more clearly, Sam, if I adjusted your headlights.

  77. Chat Noir
    July 12th, 2007 at 8:35 am [Reply]

    FOOB: Oh, please. Like those squirrels wouldn’t have rushed hell-bent out of that house the minute the Pattersaints set foot in it. Another implausible story arc from LJ.

  78. Buck Ripsnort
    July 12th, 2007 at 8:37 am [Reply]

    OK, in reverse order–
    MW– I keep hearing that “No, what can I do for YOU?” line in JoeyfromFriends’ voice.
    GT– So if Attempted Rapist is the Tarzana Nights fan, and the victim is the singer, who the hell is the Protective Old Fart? Her father? “Is this like a date, Daddy?”
    SFx– Drew Carey is pissed off because Pizza Boy just horked a big ol’ wad of tobacco in his anchovie-&-pepperoni. From the look of the kid’s cheek, he’ll do another in the driveway. This actually happened back in Oklahoma.
    And finally–
    Pluggers– No, pluggers’ ethnic food is Chi-Chi’s or Olive Garden, or one of those dumps where they pour enough liquor down your neck to disguise that the food might as well be McDonalds Pizzaburgers.

  79. Kate
    July 12th, 2007 at 8:37 am [Reply]

    GAAAH! MOTHBALLS DON’T REPEL SQUIRRELS! FOOB, YOU CAN’T EVEN GET RODENTS RIGHT! GAAAH!

    Also, I thought the Gil Thorp(e) geriatric was caressing Mister No-Face while pleading for a kiss. Something straight out of Red Dragon.

  80. Andrew
    July 12th, 2007 at 8:40 am [Reply]

    Don’t you mean RAISING gas mileage?

    Lowering gas mileage (mileage per unit of gas) would be a bad thing, wouldn’t it?

    ++Andrew

  81. Justafoob
    July 12th, 2007 at 8:41 am [Reply]

    “Here is my bill, Ms Patterson. But, Elly, if we go upstairs and shave the sheets, I just might forget about it.”

    After he drags her upstairs, and there is an attempted rape

    BANG!!!!!!

    The door flies open and GRANTHONY pulls off the attacker and gives him one of his famous Granthony Titty Twisters (patent pending).

    By saving yet another Patterson, Granthony is raised to Uber-Sainthood and the spawn he creates with Liz are the Golden Children that are spoken of in myth and legend and will lead the people of Canadia to become the true force for good in this world.

  82. Artist formerly known as Ben
    July 12th, 2007 at 8:42 am [Reply]

    SFx: I think the dynamic is much simpler. Buzzcut just found out that his kids don’t have the same blood type as him or his wife. And the same dude has been delivering pizza to his house for about eight years.

    GT: The only disappointment for me is that they already wrapped up the Gail Martin concert. We didn’t even see her performing “Bakersfield Afternoon.” Of course Ted Turner with the kung fu deathgrip is some consolation.

    Lockhorns: Sorry Leroy. Yesterday was incest joke day.

    Baldo: The guy with the Jedi beard is really looking for the argument clinic.

    JP: So something sinister is afoot, directed by Ed Asner in a hardhat. I’m still lost.

    Phantom: Oopsie!

    OBH: Actually got me nostalgic for the big metal slides we had when I was a youngun. The ones that got hotter than the inside of an oven whenever it was sunny.

    ‘Shaft: Is going to get a little something extra in his hashbrowns.

    S-M: So JJJ’s going to tie up the phonelines while some kid gets a mil for reporting his shop teacher as Spider-Man. More brilliance!

    Cathy: Gee, what could the bad choice have been?

  83. migellito
    July 12th, 2007 at 8:43 am [Reply]

    40, Gleeb… hahaha! The black spot! awesome, truly.

    Luann – Wow… could Toni and TJ really end up together? I think I actually care, as unlikely as that sounds. I think the best part is Brad’s continued inability to deal with life without getting pissed off. First he’s mad at TJ the whole time he’s doing him the favor of cooking an awesome dinner for him, now he’s raging off in front of the girl he wants to impress. What a moron.

  84. Darkefang
    July 12th, 2007 at 8:48 am [Reply]

    A3G: Look on the bright side Margo. Sure, you have a moron redneck sleeping on your couch, but with a little ingenuity and/or bullying, you can turn her into your own personal maid and cook.

    Curtis: Ok, I was wondering how a puppeteer played into this storyline, and now I’m baffled. The karaoke machine includes ventriloquism routines? Has the writer of this strip ever actually been to a karaoke bar, because ones I’ve been to generally just have a selection of 10-year-old pop and country songs to choose from.

    DT: C’mon lady, it isn’t that difficult to understand. We brought some local police officer to Washington for some inexplicable reason, defied the laws of physics by shrinking him down to the size of your grandfather, and then had him whack your kidnappers in the head with a stick.

    Foob: What are dead piles of rotting squirrels in the attic?

    The least nauseating image we’ve been treated to in For Better or For Worse in the last three months.

    GT: An elderly Reed Richards makes an appearance in today’s Gil Thorpe, defending his wife Sue from the lecherous advances of Victor “Tarzana Nights” Von Doom.

    H&L: I’m noticing a disturbing trend in Hi & Lois. Lois seems to be wearing quite a bit of college apparel around the house these days. It only makes sense that a few articles of clothing get left by the parade of college boys visiting the MILF Lois while Hi is out golfing.

    JP: Evil land developer alert!!

    My prediction: Ernst Blofeld wants to build his new secret secret base of operations for world domination under the vineyard.

    MW: Ugh, this guy is supposed to be a ladies’ man?

  85. Trilobite
    July 12th, 2007 at 8:49 am [Reply]

    Someone should point out to Drew and Vera that they actually can’t do anything, as doing things is simply not allowed in this comic strip. Making some phone calls and chatting with each other is pretty much as far as anyone can go here.

    Unless they’re prepared to get really, really drunk, in which case they could “accidentally” break some tchotchkes or maybe even drive off a cliff. It’s not much of an alternative, I’ll grant you, but it sure seems like more fun than what they’re doing now.

  86. Nate Bush, Pirate PHD
    July 12th, 2007 at 8:50 am [Reply]

    JOSH! STOP POSTING SO MARGO DAMN EARLY! (Margot is a sub for god, because she is my god).

    I get here and the comments wagon is allready half way across town to the new post. Now, please please please agree not to post before I am awake and at my job so I can slack off acordingly.

    Blondie: WTF, doesn’t Dag’swood know that an uneasy face is what sleezey used cars salesmen notice. Now there is no way he will let you leave without a two toned car.

  87. Edgy DC
    July 12th, 2007 at 8:52 am [Reply]

    In the middle of all this smoove makin’ time, shouldn’t the allegedly young Dr. Cory occasionally have to do some, you know, doctoring?

    The only doctoring I’ve seen him do is to his mack-daddy rap: “Let me give you my card. Oh, did I just drop my medical diploma. How silly of me.”

  88. Nate Bush, Pirate PHD
    July 12th, 2007 at 8:52 am [Reply]

    What’s harder, finding six differences, or not looking at the answers because it’s so boring.

    What’s harder, finding the g-spot of a woman, or finding a gay man in the southern states OTHER THAN ME?

  89. Nate Bush, Pirate PHD
    July 12th, 2007 at 9:02 am [Reply]

    MW: That is not a graph on Vera’s computer, it is instead to lumps under sheets. She just hooked up a web cam in Mary’s room to make some extra money.

  90. Trilobite
    July 12th, 2007 at 9:04 am [Reply]

    #87 Edgy DC — Between Jeff Cory, Drew Cory, and Rex Morgan, I’d say that the evidence clearly shows that doctors have a lot of free time. (And that at least two thirds of them aren’t interested in women, or sex, or sex with women.)

    Of course, with the cancer pandemic over in Funky Winkerbean, there might not be enough patients to go around in the other comic strips.

  91. Artist formerly known as Ben
    July 12th, 2007 at 9:04 am [Reply]

    #37 T.A.M.S.Y.,

    That was beautiful. I’m thinking of framing the review.

  92. CrabbyGenes
    July 12th, 2007 at 9:07 am [Reply]

    I just got back from the official Foobsite. Who are those people swimming? Are they supposed to be Elly, and John without his glasses?! Or other people? Or nameless people not from the strip?

    And apparently, a new book will be coming out soon called “Seniors’ Discount.”

    I’m almost glad I’m not going back to the U.S. this summer, because whenever I’ve gone back in the past, I’ve gone to a Borders, or a Barnes and Noble to buy Johnston’s latest books. As a former fan who has the entire collection, I am now torn as to whether I should continue to buy them or not. I’m kind of anal in that I like to have every item of every set of things I collect. But how can I justify buying the books containing the storylines and characters that I have recently come to hate?

    And the next time I go back (whenever that may be), if I DON’T buy the books, will my daughters ask me why I don’t? And will I have to confess that I now hate that comic? I really don’t want to ruin it for them.

    Wait a sec!—maybe I could justify buying them because all of the comics in them would now remind me of all the great snarking on this site!

    If only Johnston’s books came annotated with the best of the Curmudgeon quotes. Hmm….now there’s a project!

  93. Calico
    July 12th, 2007 at 9:08 am [Reply]

    #1 – SlyFox – yes, the dude scarfed a piece of Mr. 1950′s pizza. Yum-O!

    MW – Dr. Drew “Blue-Hair” Cory is on the prowl. Yuk-O!
    Whatever he drank at that pool shindig really altered his follicles.
    Wait ’til Vera sees his netherlands and recoils in horror at the odd color of his bush.

  94. Josh
    July 12th, 2007 at 9:09 am [Reply]

    #24 Will — On the note of the Inuit (what the Eskimo call themselves, and what most people call them these days) and their diet, it’s relevant that the term “Eskimo” is an exonym (that is, a name used by outsiders) used by their nearest Native American neighbors that means “eaters of raw meat.” The Inuit traditionally had one of the highest-protien diets in the world, there being effectively no nutritionally useful plant life at the latitudes they inhabited. Their diet was mostly fish and seal, plus whales if when they could get them.

    #33 Skulking — I believe that the Inuit and Aleuts together form group entirely distinct from the rest of the pre-1492 natives of the Americas; the latter (including the Tlingit and other pre-European inhabitants of Alaska) are descendents of a migration over the Bering Land Bridge several thousands of years ago, whereas the Inuit/Aleuts trickled over the Bering Straight much more recently (as late as the BC/AD divide).

    Why anyone who lived in an intensely cold climate would ever want to eat an ice cream sandwich is of course an open question.

    Josh

  95. Wellsey
    July 12th, 2007 at 9:09 am [Reply]

    The guy in the Milford Diner had a face when he asked the girl for a kiss. Walter Cronkite punched it off with his amazing wrap-around right from the left. You’d be caught unawares too.

  96. Hogen Mogen
    July 12th, 2007 at 9:12 am [Reply]

    Slylock: That one sort of baffled me, too. I came to the conclusion that the pizza guy took a bite of the pizza, without slicing it, replaced the pizza in the box, and covered his bite with a black poker chip, probably worth more in Las Vegas than the whole pizza. He had to have done this after conducting the transaction, since his mouth is full.
    “That’ll be $10.98, sir.”
    “Here ya go, son, and here’s a black checker for a tip.”
    “No thanks, I’ll just *chomp*!”
    That’s my take on it, anyway. To get the true story, go call Sly and Max when they’re not busy stalking Cassandra Cat.

  97. Nate Bush, Pirate PHD
    July 12th, 2007 at 9:15 am [Reply]

    Wow! I feel touched by a bangle, after josh has posted like, 3 minutes ago. Hahaha, it’s like the time I sat in the same seat that madonna’s ass had graced… Okay, so it’s not that good.

  98. Josh
    July 12th, 2007 at 9:16 am [Reply]

    Re: Inuit food: Oh, and also caribou. Real tasty stuff, caribou.

    Josh

  99. Erik
    July 12th, 2007 at 9:16 am [Reply]

    #24 Will… the “joke” is that pluggers are too low-class to even consider eating actual ethnic food, thus an ice cream snack with the word “Eskimo” in it is as close as they’ll ever get.

  100. Josh
    July 12th, 2007 at 9:18 am [Reply]

    Natebush, you are my favorite person ever. I love you.

  101. S and E
    July 12th, 2007 at 9:19 am [Reply]

    Foob: Wasn’t it considerate of the repairman to ensure that they had privacy before selling his body to Elly?

  102. Hogen Mogen
    July 12th, 2007 at 9:20 am [Reply]

    Prediction for RMMD: Hugh gets blown up when he tries to go for a drive.

  103. Klipper
    July 12th, 2007 at 9:21 am [Reply]

    Curtis seem a little unclear as to the meaning of “literally”. I’m literally going to have to find him and teach him a lesson. A vocabulary lesson.
    I must also seek the artist to tell him:

    “More puppet, mule!”

  104. Smitty Smedlap
    July 12th, 2007 at 9:22 am [Reply]

    Bad luck, Dr. Drew — Vera’s on a triple-low biorhythm today. Shoulda called on Monday.

  105. Josh
    July 12th, 2007 at 9:25 am [Reply]

    #99 NateBush — posting under my name … um, kind of weird, don’t you think?

    Josh

  106. Nate Bush, Pirate PHD
    July 12th, 2007 at 9:26 am [Reply]

    Is jamie sharp a plugger himself, or just judgemental?

  107. Nate Bush, Pirate PHD
    July 12th, 2007 at 9:27 am [Reply]

    Identity disorder, unhealthy obsession, lack of ability to occupy myself appropraitely, or my favourite;
    Just messin!

  108. Matthew
    July 12th, 2007 at 9:31 am [Reply]

    Okay, my first thought when I saw that Plugger was that he was a polar bear, and he was so excited because he thought the Eskimo Pie would contain Eskimo.

  109. gh
    July 12th, 2007 at 9:32 am [Reply]

    What’s left to snark if everyone in going to tomorrowthread on the yesterthread? And somehow I missed necrothread. What’s up with that? I still have 130 comments to read, but I’m jumping ahead because by coincidence I was scribbling out some potential additions to the lexicon last night, so I’ll offer them up. Some I have no definition for, but they may prove useful:

    threadbare: Snarker’s block (?) An unexplained absence by a regular (?)

    threading the needle: admonishing a troll (infrequent usage here)

    yesterthreat: a reference to someone cockpitted earlier (?)

    hanging by a thread: reference to those last two comments on the yesterthread posted 9 hours after the new thread is up

    cross-threaded: ??

    heightened thread alert: anytime we’re over 250 comments and The Divine O’F decides to post a comment

    Suggestions and emendations welcome. Now, if you’ll excuse me, back to the birthday post.

  110. skankmonkey
    July 12th, 2007 at 9:33 am [Reply]

    *ahem* MW prediction alert…

    Vera & Dr. Cory hook up, under the meddling watchful eye of our heroine Mary. Dawn, smitten with Dr. Cory herself, goes ape-shit, ’cause she so god-damn wise for her years, when she realizes that she is not the object of his affections. Thus begins Dawn’s two-week drinking binge, stretched out on the comics pages over three years, ending in a fiery, wait for it, car crash a la Aldo.

  111. Lynngineering
    July 12th, 2007 at 9:34 am [Reply]

    FBOFW: Queen Mother Elly and her brood can neither appease nor escape Michael’s coma fantasy. They’ve accepted to be banished to a one-bathroom shack. April’s begrudgingly retreated to it while she makes her escape plans. Whenever that family regains some sense of value, something happens — Michael drops a tree on the roof, etc… to keep things destabilized. His fantasy has no limits, and power corrupts. Now even Queen Elly has to look over her shoulder.

    April is the problem – she has possibilities to escape. Fellow “4evah” Eva is Michael’s informer. He has her innocently suggest to April that she’s safe here from just being the at-home babysitter for Michael’s spawn…in order to measure the reaction. Upon seeing April agree, a litany of childish pestilence appears embedded (a “war zone”, spoiled goods, rats, squirrels) in any further conversations and scenarios.

    Then today, most bizarre, a harsh signal is sent to the Queen Mother herself. From a total stranger. It’s an odd, ominous tone and more so, just an illogical response from this building contractor:

    “That’s the price you pay for privacy”….

    Huh? For PRIVACY?

    As April points out, this house is not a home…

    Of course, Michael, laying in his coma since months, is “squirrels in the attic”

    April, hormonally over the top, takes whatever chance she can to go “to the basement”

    this clear division will be revealing in the last phase of Michael’s coma fantasy.

  112. Dennis Jimenez
    July 12th, 2007 at 9:42 am [Reply]

    Any plugger knows what you call the ratio of an igloo’s diameter to its circumference – eskimo pi! OH YEAH!!

  113. teenchy
    July 12th, 2007 at 9:42 am [Reply]

    For everyone who retches when they thinks of Glen Campbell’s “Southern Nights,” it’s easier if you think of it as sung by its writer, Allen Toussaint.

    As for “Tarzana Nights,” I find myself putting it to the tune of “Savannah Nights,” a solo effort by the Doobie Brothers’ Tom Johnston (AFAIK no relation to Lynn).

  114. Allie Cat
    July 12th, 2007 at 9:48 am [Reply]

    Foob – I think we’ve all known for a long time that Elly’s “attic” was filled with a “squirrel’s nest”.

    By the way – I saw, for the first time this past weekend, an actual rat’s nest. Which was pretty cool, actually. Although, my parents used to call my room a rat’s nest when I was a kid, and now I have a better mental image.

  115. --MC
    July 12th, 2007 at 9:49 am [Reply]

    “Tarzana Nights” — the song that will be willed into being by the Curdmugeoners.
    For me, I think of that old Walter Egan hit from the 70s, “Hot Summer Nights”. I am old, though.

  116. Kip W
    July 12th, 2007 at 9:51 am [Reply]

    SF – Yeah, he took a bite, but it was his pizza! What do you mean, “It’s my pizza,” flathead? I don’t see your name on it.

    And there’s an eighth difference: the second panel is funny, because how’s he going to get out of there if he can’t open his car door? He’s so busted!

    FW – I’m not saying Lisa’s a glum, joy-killing bringdown, but next to her, “The Scream” looks like one of the “You Want It WHEN?” guys.

    S-M – Jolly Jonah’s got so many lines in his face these days… hey! That’s not JJ! It’s BIZARRO JJ! Me get it now!

    GT – Mr. Concert Loudmouth might be talking to the Walter Cronkite dude’s hand (which might have a Senor Weñces face on it). Alternatively, CL might just be continuing his concert gig of advising strangers on what they should be doing. “Dude! You should totally kiss the fillings out of that fox!”

    HtH – It’s a good thing they clearly wrote “SCOTCH” on one of the staves, because I was going to guess that Hagar brought home a keg of haggis. (Haggis the Horrible! It writes itself!)

    Metanote: Every comic strip sounds more relevant and adult-serious if you just replace some or all of the final speech balloon with the word “cancer.”

    Hagar: I’m back from my trip to Scotland, Helga!
    Helga: Good! What did you bring me?
    Hagar: Cancer.

    Waitress: Gentlemen… and I use the term loosely… what can I get for you?
    Crankshaft: Cancer.

    It’s so funky, it makes my bean wink with joy!

    #49 (a) – You do the artist of GT an injustice. He draws feet every day, but because the strip is offered in multiple formats, they are cut off in the editions we see. Apparently, the only paper that shows the uncut GT is a special daily tabloid for rich people that also shows Sunday strips one to a page, as God intended.

    #94 (Josh) – Ice cream tastes great in the winter. It doesn’t melt all over you, and the sugar makes your body warm itself up.

  117. The Clown Boxer
    July 12th, 2007 at 9:54 am [Reply]

    GT: That’s not Walter Cronkite, it’s the white man’s Clambake!

  118. Kip W
    July 12th, 2007 at 9:58 am [Reply]

    #96 (Nate) – According to H. Allen Smith, when he was working in Hollywood, he saw Gary Cooper leaving the Men’s room as he was entering. Inside, an office boy just finishing his business at a urinal looked up with a grin, and said, “Right on top of Gary Cooper’s!” Just 35 years too early to be one of David Letterman’s “Brush With Greatness!” segments.

    MF – Today in Mother F… I mean, Mallard Fillmore, I realized that you can always tell when someone is supposed to be a famous person, because their head will be as big as their body. You’ll have to read the text to figure out who the famous person is supposed to be, unless it’s Bill Clinton (who you just have to learn from looking at earlier Bill Clinton drawings).

  119. Joel
    July 12th, 2007 at 9:59 am [Reply]

    I would say that Gil Thorp’s artistry has reached a new low, but since Milford apparently resides in an M.C. Escher drawing, “low” might mean “sort of towards the bottom of the drawing which is actually both away from the reader at a 30 degree angle and up out toward second base.”

    I think you are wrong, though, that Mr. No-Face-Guy-I’ve-Never-Heard-Of (if indeed that is his real name) is getting bitch-slapped by Walter Kronkite. Clearly, this is a (seated!) Vincent Price — could anyone else return from the dead, amputate their own arm, extend it to 65% the length of whatever room they were inhabiting, and then reattach it to the torso below their own arm-pit?

  120. Deborah
    July 12th, 2007 at 10:01 am [Reply]

    Oh my God! In the privacy of his own home, Dr, Drew reveals his secret identity. With brown wig removed, he is revealed as a Romulan spy! Oh, sure, the cell phone covers the tell-tale pointy ear, but we know the truth! He’s here to cross-breed with Vera (who is actually Denise Crosby) and create a blonde Romulan villainess who will kick interstellar ass next season.

  121. gkl
    July 12th, 2007 at 10:03 am [Reply]

    MW: This is going to end badly. And by “badly,” I mean, “in a three-way.” Line up for your eye-gougers now, folks.

  122. Nate Bush, Pirate PHD
    July 12th, 2007 at 10:05 am [Reply]

    #114 – I imagine a song about a love affair between an ugly man exploring the forest and a wild woman who was raise by apes. Having no standards, this beauty, with her tight, in shape body and powerful libido is seduced by this akwards, pudgy man who sweats profusely while trying to act cool and sexy. It ends with the woman being resentful over the fact that she was close, but didn’t make it.

  123. Uncle Lumpy
    July 12th, 2007 at 10:06 am [Reply]

    #114 –MC –

    I think of that old Walter Egan hit from the 70s, “Hot Summer Nights”. I am old, though.

    I went to college with Walter Egan. Hah! Older!

  124. Bootsy
    July 12th, 2007 at 10:07 am [Reply]

    Hey, Phantom, that “messing with their heads” skill is not so easy to master, is it, O-Ghost -Who-Banters-Annoyingly?

    #37, T..A.M.S.Y., great review!

  125. Nate Bush, Pirate PHD
    July 12th, 2007 at 10:07 am [Reply]

    #122 – I remember when corsets first came in style! HA! Oldest!

  126. Original Lee
    July 12th, 2007 at 10:10 am [Reply]

    #98 Erik – I was just going to say that I thought Plugger ethnic food was a white hot with sauerkraut, but I think your explanation is more Pluggeresque.

  127. AhClem
    July 12th, 2007 at 10:11 am [Reply]

    FOOB – “Mrs. P, upon further examination, I’ve found that the source of the stench isn’t dead squirrels. It’s actually several boxes of Mike’s steaming heaps of turgid prose novels.”

    The Pluggers panel reminds me of an old “Far Side” cartoon, where a polar bear is pushing an ice cream truck labeled “Eskimo Thighs.”

    (I can’t believe I just used “Far Side” and “Pluggers” in the same sentence. Shoot me now.)

  128. Bootsy
    July 12th, 2007 at 10:12 am [Reply]

    #13, Robert (that’s a lotta name to type, dude. I’ll just call you Robert, mkay?) a plugger eating a hot dog is cannibalism.

  129. Hogen Mogen
    July 12th, 2007 at 10:13 am [Reply]

    # 109 – skankmonkey – I’m not sure where this story line is going. Sounds like you might be right. Vera is lukewarm at best to the Playboy Doc, and Dawn is practically burning a hole in her panties with anticipation. So obviously there would be no story if Corey the younger went for the more interested one. Dawn will have her young heart broken, she will ask for sympathy from her cross-dressing father, who will only blather platitudes. She goes to Mary, who will also offer banal cliches. She turns to her good friend “Johnnie”.

    I’m trying to comment on the Slylock, but for no apparent reason, the post never shows. Is there some reason why I can post on Rex, but not on Slylock? My scalp is apparently bleeding without cause, too, but I’ll handle that on my own. WordPress must hate the current Rex story line and wants people to mock about it, but wishes to protect the pizza delivery industry? Seriously, I’ve tried three times to get this thing up, and it’s not even that great -

    Pizza kid: That’ll be $10.98, sir.
    Grumpy man: Here ya go, and have this poker chip for a tip.
    Pizza kid: Uh, poker chip? *munch* You can keep your black poker chip, thanks.

    What really happened? We should get Sly and Max when they’re not out stalking Cassandra Cat. I’ll call Dr. Rex about my scalp thing.

  130. bats :[
    July 12th, 2007 at 10:13 am [Reply]

    33. “Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Athabascan” was my favorite book in the series…

  131. NotMe
    July 12th, 2007 at 10:15 am [Reply]

    DT: Hey, how did Joan Rivers end up in this strip?

    RMMD: June’s hair coloring seems to be dripping on to the back of her blouse. If only she had used Loreal – because she’s worth it.

    (DT)GT: Talk to the hand, pal, talk to the hand.

  132. Dr. Mad
    July 12th, 2007 at 10:15 am [Reply]

    #88 My daughter had her closest friends [two of whom were roommates] – 8 gay guys- as ‘bridesmaids’ in her TX wedding.Her husband-to-be and both Mom’s were totally cool with that. It not only lively-upped the post-nupt festivities it made her Southren Baptist cousins-in-law leave early. You are not alone. Re: Pluggers -Pluggers think ditch carp are intelligent, barrels of hair are a smart idea, and rats enjoy being in coffee cans. [Translation supplied upon request]. Re: GT -I’ve only seen this strip here but I love it! I believe it shows what would have happened if the proto-simians -i.e. lemurs, tarsiers, etc.- had evolved into being upright and vocal, but not less wierd and hyper. As physical evidence I’ll point to the guy walking by the catchily named ‘Pub’ a few strips ago. Although he’s at or over 6′ tall his inseam must be like 18-20″, he’s not doing the homeboy thing either because his shirt is tucked in [and he's not holding his crotch]. As to the social aspects today’s strip says it all. In homage to the creator of GT I want to send him all my Grandmom’s old costume jewelry so what’shisname can change earrings. Wouldn’t he look great in a pair of dangly, ‘dream-catcher’ earrings, with silver and turqouise feathers and beads hanging from them?

  133. Cobra
    July 12th, 2007 at 10:15 am [Reply]

    I think that’s Michael Douglas from “Falling Down” making an appearance in Slylock Fox.

  134. man behind the curtain
    July 12th, 2007 at 10:16 am [Reply]

    MW — From looking at Vera’s computer, obviously she’s tracking her stocks before making all of her moves in her new job as a day trader. Or from the way the graph had bottomed-out, it’s a graph showing reader-interest in this storyline.

  135. anne
    July 12th, 2007 at 10:17 am [Reply]

    apropos of nothing, has anyone seen today’s Tom The Dancing Bug? It isn’t making fun of any regular comics we like to snark about, but I think it’s unusually fantastic.

  136. Blake
    July 12th, 2007 at 10:17 am [Reply]

    FW: Batiuk must be one sick puppy in real life. Who would ever think of smirking after your friend says she’s choosing death. Is that funny? Is that amusing? So much so that you can’t suppress that trademark Funky Winkerbean smirk that appears at seemingly random, inappropriate, and unfunny times?

    The real puzzler is how Batiuk managed to restrain himself from making Holly say, “Cute.” Whenever he has nothing funny or interesting to say, he seems to like ending a strip with someone smirking or someone saying “cute”. What a hack.

    Oh, wait, now I see that he has also drawn Holly’s eyebrows slanting upwards. That fixes everything. Instead of sick and twisted, now Holly looks like she’s enjoying the irony of the clever wordplay that Lisa just doled out. Well played, Batiuk!

    On a side-note, in the second panel, did they get transported to a spotlit stage, or is Batiuk too lazy to draw backgrounds now? Maybe the background got cancer and died.

  137. Calico
    July 12th, 2007 at 10:18 am [Reply]

    #92 – I’m still waiting for “Brief Tragic Driveway”, myself.

    (DT)GT – Wasn’t there some dumb song in the seventies called something like “Oh what a night”?
    There was also a “song” called “The night Chicago Died” – I think. Awful sh*t.

  138. Islamorada Girl
    July 12th, 2007 at 10:18 am [Reply]

    MW: Obviously, Dr. Drew Cory, MD, has to put on his Elvis wig to call up women and make dates. Twenty years of intense therapy have done nothing about this fetish.

  139. Calico
    July 12th, 2007 at 10:31 am [Reply]

    #109 – Hahahaha! Great.
    And all because of our heroin with an E, Mary Worth.
    Wanna make a bet (in potatoes, of course) that the two young ladies have a sparring match a la Dallas?
    I hope they wind up in the pool, or Mary’s perfect roses, before Dawn’s binge.

  140. Tipsy
    July 12th, 2007 at 10:34 am [Reply]

    I miss Von and his scotch-soaked, incestuously sweaty charm. I predict this triangle will end up a square and Dawn will get pawned off on him. He’s the better catch, really. She’ll have to wear the wig and let him call her “Sis”, but she seems adaptable.

    She’s going to have to adapt, because if she goes in for any stalking, it’s the cliff for her.

  141. Dark Star
    July 12th, 2007 at 10:41 am [Reply]

    MW – I can’t wait until the eventual cat fight between Vera and “Ask Wendy’s” daughter. Who knows? Maybe Dr Drew will write a letter to “Wendy” about his love triangle? The real payoff would be a manage a trois in the Charterstone hot tub.

  142. Kate
    July 12th, 2007 at 10:42 am [Reply]

    #134, Blake: “Maybe the [Funky Winkerbean] background got cancer and died.” You are my sunshine.

  143. anne
    July 12th, 2007 at 10:46 am [Reply]

    37. t.a.m.s.y: So much of funny. FTW. Hearty congratulations. I chortled.

  144. Jim Thorp(e)
    July 12th, 2007 at 10:49 am [Reply]

    At # 116 The Clown Boxer said ” GT: That’s not Walter Cronkite, it’s the white man’s Clambake!”

    Sorry to break it to you, Clambake was white, he just liked going around in modified black face touting his Negro League heroics as a basis for his book he is writing “Clambaked Like Me”

  145. DaveyK
    July 12th, 2007 at 10:51 am [Reply]

    “Careful, you’ll spoil me by taking me to ‘Cafe.’ I hear it got 4 stars from Eponymous Eating Establishment Weekly.”

  146. The Divine O’F
    July 12th, 2007 at 10:52 am [Reply]

    Credit Where Credit is Due Yesterthread Edition

    Yesterthread everyone who commented on the future: those were all great. But they raise a question: is there any point in actually reading the comics anymore since for almost every single comic mentioned here we all know exactly what is likely to happen and how it will be presented?

    Yesterthread Dingo: 1) Tarzana Nights was excellent. 2) I think the electric stoves are an Arizona thing. You can’t find gas stoves in Tucson either. The weather you encountered is pretty much the worst that it gets, and you’ll find winters delightful if you get the job. I hope you get offers for both, so you can choose which you prefer.

    Yesterthread Carole King: I love her too. “Tapestry” is one of the finest albums ever made.

    Yesterthread Jamus: Thank you. Even a fake Chennux is better than no Chennux.

    Yesterthread Crabby Genes: I hope you and Secret Margo have a great time together and I look forward to seeing the photo. Please give him a big MmmmWAH! from me.

  147. Calico
    July 12th, 2007 at 10:52 am [Reply]

    FOOB – Now there’s room in the attic for Apwil the newly incarnated Spoiled Brat, should she choose to live in an old squirrel’s nest.
    The mothballs will help her new apt. keep that fresh, perky, kidney-destroying napthalene perfume.

    Let’s remember too that she’ll be riding horses this summer-hopefully one of them be Gewald.
    Don’t forget the riding crop when you come “home”, baby.

  148. mere cog in the machine
    July 12th, 2007 at 10:55 am [Reply]

    Please help settle a family dispute. I say Gail Martin made her first, groundbreaking appearence at the Monterey Pop Festival, delivering a heart-felt, acoustic performance of ‘Tarzana Nights’ right after Ravi Shankar’s sitar set. My wife claims it was two years later at Woodstock, where she was helicoptered in with Crosby, Stills, and Nash. Our son disagrees with both of us, and keeps trying to take away our nitrous oxide and codeine cough syrup. Who is right??

  149. Tweeks_Coffee
    July 12th, 2007 at 10:59 am [Reply]

    #116: i”GT: That’s not Walter Cronkite, it’s the white man’s Clambake!”

    Actually, I’m pretty sure Clambake was the white man’s Clambake.

  150. Erik
    July 12th, 2007 at 11:02 am [Reply]

    #95 – Gasp! A man capable of punching an entire face off?? Will Mark Trail finally meet his nemesis??

  151. Never teh Bride
    July 12th, 2007 at 11:06 am [Reply]

    There is a wad of dung…on that pizza. You’d be pissed, too.

  152. Sugar and Spike
    July 12th, 2007 at 11:07 am [Reply]

    glarhsks offnopple zaaggreks*

    * The Plugger is happy because his ice cream bar reminds him of his days at Parris Island, when Sarge used to sing out his favorite cadence during morning runs: “I don’t know but I’ve been told, Eskimo p***y is mighty cold…”

  153. Sugar and Spike
    July 12th, 2007 at 11:09 am [Reply]

    fwarshkap morpphsk ooomsf*

    *GT: That’s not Walter Cronkite, it’s Veronica Lodge’s dad, Mr. Lodge.

  154. Nate Bush, Pirate PHD
    July 12th, 2007 at 11:10 am [Reply]

    #146.

    After consulting my personal wikipedia (which only I can update after much thought and tapping into my psychotic powers), I have found out that actually, she made her groundbreaking apearance on the first version of star search, which took place on wall street in the 20s. She didn’t do woodstock untill after she was revived from cryogenic freezing. She first sang “Tarzana Nights” at the Monterey Pop Festival, but she was still frozen and doesn’t remember it. This opened alot of controversy.

  155. Sugar and Spike
    July 12th, 2007 at 11:11 am [Reply]

    mwomph daarrsk blaggzsp*

    *146: Gail Martin actually made her first appearance at Altamont, and was in fact the cause of the riot that led to the Hell’s Angels beating a guy to death.

  156. The Divine O’F
    July 12th, 2007 at 11:15 am [Reply]

    25 Avocado Avenger re FW: BWAHAHA! COTW nomination!

    108 gh: necrothread is re-posting something you posted on a thread that then died. I forget who coined it, but it’s quite useful. I LOVE all your “thread” definitions.

    146 and 153: Yes, Sugar and Spike is right. She was the cause of the Altamont riot.

    GREAT SPORTS NEWS: Taryne Mowatt, the superlative pitcher from the U of Arizona softball team who pitched all the World Series games and won has won the ESPY awards for both best female athlete of the year and best college female athlete of the year. I thank all of you who heeded my plea to stuff the ballot box for her.

    DTGT: I am among those who thought the two guys were the would-be kisser and kissee. Is this something we can vote on?

  157. Nate Bush, Pirate PHD
    July 12th, 2007 at 11:17 am [Reply]

    I feel all nostalgic for clambake…..

    Something about old men with ambiguous ethnicities and an extremem passion for being around young jocks gets me all warm inside. It’s like, we have something in common, minus the ambiguous part.

  158. Calico
    July 12th, 2007 at 11:19 am [Reply]

    #138 – I was hoping for a foursome too, but with Vera & Dawn together, and Von & Dr. Drew ensemble. They then move in together at the mansion, sort of like my envisioned “after-ending” of the French film “Gauzon Maudite.”

    If only A. Bechdel would do a mashup here…!

  159. Artist formerly known as Ben
    July 12th, 2007 at 11:26 am [Reply]

    HOTC: Sweet bathtub beauty! Man, Tatulli does MILFs in this strip as well as he does Monsters in Lio. I can say without irony that I am impressed!

  160. Tats
    July 12th, 2007 at 11:32 am [Reply]

    MW: Oo, Vera’s moved on up to office with her chair pressed directly against the window! She must have been mashing the keyboard with her palm pretty well to attain that status.

    FOOB: And then… squirrels? Seems like quite a weird storyline to toss at us in hopes of maybe forgetting how we hate this strip now. It didn’t work.

    FW: Just die.

    SM: Why do I get the feeling J. Jonah has tried this same plan multiple times throughout the last thirty years, each time with less success than the one before?

  161. Poteet
    July 12th, 2007 at 11:37 am [Reply]

    # 92 — Yes, Crabbygenes, I agree — what the (Margo) is going on at the Foobsite? And who are those people on the homepage? It’s bad enough that the Foobs frequently bash each other with pillows as bonding ritual and foreplay, but do they now have to involve innocent invertebrates? And if that is being done in the name of entertainment and affection, why does the male in the second panel wear an intensified version of the Muppet-Goosed-By-Satan look? What did the female do, put the crustacean up his backside?

  162. Paperback Rifler
    July 12th, 2007 at 11:38 am [Reply]

    Ooh, there’s still some snark left! Well, maybe. Just remember that low grade snark is still snark, after all.

    Archie: I think that the “scenery” that Dilton wants for his screen saver is pictures of Betty. The little perv! (Oh, and Dilton, if you’re reading this: If you do get those pix of Betty, could you please email copies of them to me? Thanks!)

    Crankshaft: Okay, so I think I finally understand Crankshaft. My hypothesis is that Crankshaft is the comic alter ego of Tom Batiuk himself; and we can see from today’s installment that it’s not just his major characters that he hates and abuses; rather he hates and abuses everybody indiscriminately. The evidence that I need to catapult my hypothesis to probably-true-theorydom would be if in tomorrow’s episode, Crankshaft tips the waitress with a generous wad of cancer.

    Spider-Man Panel 2: Worst. Doctor Evil impression. EVER. However, Jonah is still the most uncanny Hitler lookalike on the entire comics page.

    And finally, a song parody that absolutely nobody asked for. Surprisingly (well, to me, anyway), this would seem to be my first full parody of a Beatles song; so apologies to them and to everybody everywhere:

    Didn’t anybody check above the second story?
    No one saw the squirr’ls invade our space.
    With so many squirr’ls living there, it makes me sorry
    That we rushed in buying this new place.

    Ah, squirrel . . . Sssssssscrittt . . .
    Squirrel . . .

    When I mention the old house that we gave up to buy this,
    April turns to me and starts to vent.
    And I say I understand her thoughts, and then imply this:
    “You’ve no say; you were an accident.”

    Ah, squirrel . . . Sssssssscrittt . . .
    Squirrel . . .

    They’re the kind of squirr’ls who fill your attic up with nuts,
    Make you insane.
    When you look up there for space,
    You find that they have left no place
    For trains, trains, trains, trains . . .

    Squirrel . . . Sssssssscrittt . . .
    Squirrel . . .

    Weren’t we told when we had moved
    It was unnecessary,
    And our rationale just wasn’t sound?
    Now our house has gone to Mike, Deanna, Rob, and Merry;
    Still, we can keep April underground.

    Ah, squirrel . . . Sssssssscrittt . . .
    Squirrel . . .

  163. gh
    July 12th, 2007 at 11:42 am [Reply]

    #37 t.a.m.s.y. –

    Why do I read 200 comments a day? That’s why I read 200 comments a day.

    #92 CrabbyGenes –

    The obvious solution when you go back is to steal a copy. In fact, steal all the copies and drop all but one in the nearest dumpster.

    Dingo [and #144 O’F]: I don’t know about AZ, but when I lived in Colorado Springs there were no gas appliances allowed anywhere, not even water heaters. I was told on dubious authority that the electric industry had convinced the state legislature they were too dangerous.

    And#144 The Divine O’F –

    Point taken on the tomorrowthread snark. And does it ever change? I believe this all goes back to the ursnark of Hogen Mogen on Marmaduke. If certain strips are always and forever, we’re reduced to deciphering odd squiggles in the background. Tomorrow’s MW: I predict a vase of tulips on an end table. Tomorrow’s (DT)GT: A figure in the background will resemble either Frederick II, King of Prussia or Marilyn Manson. It will be difficult to tell. The figure will appear to be rolling a large cheese wheel up a flight of stairs.

  164. ElSanto
    July 12th, 2007 at 11:42 am [Reply]

    Most people think that “Candle in the Wind” tribute to Princess Diana was Elton John, but that’s just a popular urban legend. Look at the video footage again … that was Gail Martin all the way.

  165. Poteet
    July 12th, 2007 at 11:44 am [Reply]

    Foob — And though I claim no expertise, I thought the first professional choice, when an attic is inhabited by squirrels, bats, coons, etc., and the homeowner wants them out, is to find ways to exclude the animals from the attic, not toss in poison.

    Why yes indeedy, I just Googled and the first sentence I saw was “Exclusion of the squirrels is the best possible solution.” Maybe exclusion is a challenge sometimes, but I bet it works better than mothballs.

  166. dimestore lipstick
    July 12th, 2007 at 11:44 am [Reply]

    MW: looks like Dr. Drew is workin’ the Elvis in Jailhouse Rock look. Which is appropriate, since Vera has the emotional range of a wooden chair.

    That, ladies and gentlemen , is the comment that got me busted for reading CC at work. Thanks, andreavis.

  167. Big Stu
    July 12th, 2007 at 11:47 am [Reply]

    FOOB- Maybe the dead squirrel reference was a shut-out to Granthony for having shaved off his moutache (which looked suspiciously like a dead squirrel)

  168. The Divine O’F
    July 12th, 2007 at 11:48 am [Reply]

    gh 160: GREAT DTGT prediction! Bwas and has!

  169. queek
    July 12th, 2007 at 11:48 am [Reply]

    I should have said it about yesterday’s Phantom, but here it is anyway: “trigger discipline!”

    Pajama Diaries made me laugh. I was not expecting that punchline in this strip.

    Jump Start: a saturn!? Mr. Armstrong, I do not think that symbol means what you think it means.

    Maintaining was amusing, slightly.

  170. Paperback Rifler
    July 12th, 2007 at 11:57 am [Reply]

    Okay, so this isn’t a real post; I’m not sure where the post that I just posted went, I’m just trying this out before I try to post again. Therefore, I would like to present a little something that I like to call, “Dude, Where’s My Post?”

    Ahem:

    Dude, where’s my post?

    Thank you! Don’t forget to tip your waitress! Unless you’re Crankshaft, in which case you can just drop dead, you horrible old bastard!

    Oh, and by the way, belated congratulations on three years of superior snarking, Josh! I hope you took your blog someplace nice for your third anniversary.

  171. GotFuzzy
    July 12th, 2007 at 12:02 pm [Reply]

    Calico–Oh What a Night is the subtitle to December 1963 by Frankie Valli & The Four Seasons. Yes, a truly execrable song (in my head, Dan Aykroyd as Leonard Pinth-Garnell spoke those words).

    I can’t wait to see what heights of bizarreness this Gail Martin story ard will scale. It will be hard to beat the Ben Franklin golf scam of last year.

  172. GotFuzzy
    July 12th, 2007 at 12:02 pm [Reply]

    arc

    I promise to use Preview, no matter how slow it is.

  173. Joel
    July 12th, 2007 at 12:03 pm [Reply]

    Oh, Dominic, will you ever stop stealing Drew Carey’s pizza?

  174. The Divine O’F
    July 12th, 2007 at 12:04 pm [Reply]

    Three ill-tempered comics rants

    JP: What is it with the ginormous noses in this strip? Between Raju, the saintly Mexican maid, and now this hard-hatted, winery-stealing grumpy miscreant, we’ve lately had noses that make Mark Trail’s animals and airplanes resemble miniature dollhouse furnishings. This whole nose thing is beginning to seriously piss me off. Do you hear me, Wilson and Barreto? Cut it out!

    MT: And stop insulting my intelligence, Jack Elrod! This storyline is beyond moronic!

    RMMD: Wilson and Nolan–give me a break! Nobody gives a flying Margo about Hugh or his father, who after several weeks in the North Sea is now in any case either decomposed or a Miltonsicle.

  175. gh
    July 12th, 2007 at 12:06 pm [Reply]

    #154 The Divine O’F –

    I think what we’re doing here is cross-threading. So there’s another definition: “Man, are we cross-threaded today!” Thanks for the definition for necrothread (which I like better than “deadthread”). Thanks for the Bwas, BIG congrats on the sports triumph, and finally, add me to the list who assumed it was the two guys kissing in (DT)GT. The old guy is already puckering up, for Melkar’s sake!

  176. Josh
    July 12th, 2007 at 12:08 pm [Reply]

    Paperback/Hogen Mogen-

    Sorry ’bout that, you got caught up by the new spam filter, which is still sort of finding its way. Apparently it doesn’t inform you when you’ve been spam-caught, which is kind of annoying. On the bright side, it isn’t bringing my server to a screaming halt like the old one was, which is a plus.

    I rescued your comments. Note to everybody: in the future, if this happens again, please e-mail me rather than reposting your comment a gazillion times, which only makes things worse.

    Josh

  177. Perky Bird
    July 12th, 2007 at 12:09 pm [Reply]

    Come on, y’all! As much as I like to give Lynn Johnson a hard time about FOOB, I can’t help but point out that NOWHERE in today’s strip does it say the squirrels were actually killed. The Pornstar Repairman only noted that they found a bunch of squirrels, and that they put mothballs in the attic to keep the squirrels from coming back–as a deterrant, NOT poison. The squirrels could have easily been humanely trapped and relocated.
    Of course, Elly could have saved a bunch of money either way if she had simply asked her brother to climb into the attic and play his hoserphonium to scare the furry little tree rats away. But then she wouldn’t have been able to “shave the sheets” with Pornstar Repairman.

  178. King Folderol
    July 12th, 2007 at 12:13 pm [Reply]

    Blondie – It’s a different car. The illustrator skipped ahead to hours later, knowing that Dagwood is an indecisive fool and that we needn’t be watching him look at cars for eight hours straight.

  179. Paperback Rifler
    July 12th, 2007 at 12:17 pm [Reply]

    Thanks Josh! Sorry about the reposting; if you could delete it, that would be great!

    And Happy Anniversary again!

  180. NotThatGuy
    July 12th, 2007 at 12:19 pm [Reply]

    #64: or white herrings.

  181. gh
    July 12th, 2007 at 12:20 pm [Reply]

    #162 Paperback Rifler –

    Absolutely awesome parody. Tough tempo to match, but it plays beautifully.

    Per Josh’s #176: Curminions can find recent numbered posts 2 or 3 below the stated number. In case you’re cross-threaded or something.

  182. AhClem
    July 12th, 2007 at 12:20 pm [Reply]

    FOOB – Dead squirrels or no dead squirrels, didn’t they give any thought at all to at least peeking in the attic when they were deciding whether or not to buy this house? I hope they at least looked in the basement to see if the house had a furnace, or checked to bedroom windows to see if they contained panes of glass.

    #162/175 Paperback Rifler – You do the Beatles proud. Somewhere, John Lennon is sending you a string of ethereal ‘bwa’s and ‘ha’s, as he probably hates FOOB as much as the rest of us.

  183. All Margo-ed Up
    July 12th, 2007 at 12:21 pm [Reply]

    I prefix this by saying I am a grand hater of all things FOOB, and the evil Matriarch of that Sept… but I gotta agree with #178. Hell, last year we HAD squirrels in the attic, and we were told by the *ASPCA* to toss in the mothballs– as many as we could, and wait a day and THEN fix any opening we could find.

    The naptha in the mothballs is something the bug eyed little bastards cannot stand to smell, so they leave. Saved you from having to poison them and then stand the reek of them rotting as they always go to the one place you cannot reach to croak…

  184. NotThatGuy
    July 12th, 2007 at 12:25 pm [Reply]

    #79 Kate: yeah, they should have used squirrelballs instead of mothballs in the attic.

  185. The Divine O’F
    July 12th, 2007 at 12:27 pm [Reply]

    gh: I think I spend most of my time here cross-threaded, as I am always out of sync. That sounds more self-pitying than I mean it to.

    And re the mothballs: they would certainly drive ME out of the attic.

  186. Trilobite
    July 12th, 2007 at 12:29 pm [Reply]

    #144 The Divine O’F (and Dingo, too) — I’ve had a handful of apartments down here with gas stoves, and I’ve been in houses with them, too…all older buildings of one kind or another, which I’m sure is not all that coincidental.

    But as rare as gas appliances are in Tucson, they seem totally absent in Phoenix and its surrounding suburbs. If I had to guess, I’d say it was because they were worried that the city might burn down and have to be rebuilt every seven years. Or because they figure that a summer in Phoenix combined with all the concrete and blacktop around just makes the entire concept of open flame seem vaguely ridiculous, like putting an ice machine in Antarctica.

    (They probably do have gas appliances in Phoenix, but I’d bet that it’s mostly either in older buildings or in custom-built homes, and finding neighborhoods with gas lines might not be a trivial task.)

  187. TurtleBoy
    July 12th, 2007 at 12:30 pm [Reply]

    #158 (cog) and #154 (nate): I never followed Ms. Martin’s act until her dramatic Comeback Concert at The Sands on June 15th, 1981. The twinkling light in her platinum plaits! The rhinestone-bespeckled Elton John shades! What a voice! What a beauty! How could you not fall in love with her, then and there? How could you not swoon as the first chords of “Tarzana Nights” were struck?

    Excuse me…I…I have to be alone for a little while…

  188. Calico
    July 12th, 2007 at 12:41 pm [Reply]

    #174 – JP – it could be worse – they could all be sporting Henry Mitchell noses (which I guess father of the D-Man uses to spear fish on his days off).

    #178 – What, you mean the squirrels aren’t going to be part of “April’s surprise casserole” as a big thank you to her parents for making her even more miserable?

  189. Steve S
    July 12th, 2007 at 12:43 pm [Reply]

    I dunno if it’s because of the Eskimo-pie-based diet, but Pluggers sure do have the fattest, most vestigial fingers I’ve ever seen.

  190. andreavis
    July 12th, 2007 at 12:47 pm [Reply]

    #166–sorry dimestore–hope you weren’t drinking coffee too! I’ve lost more keyboards that way, reading this site in the mornings.

  191. mere cog in the machine
    July 12th, 2007 at 12:49 pm [Reply]

    188 Turtleboy: While I agree that her Comeback Concert was among her best efforts, I still feel that ‘An Evening With Gail Martin; Live from Carnegie Hall’, is her definitive disc. She was re-energized after coming out of rehab, the messy divorce with Michael Martin Murphy was behind her, and the work she had done made her look ten years younger. God bless you, Gail; may your song stylings live forever.

  192. Bootsy
    July 12th, 2007 at 12:51 pm [Reply]

    gh and the Divine O’F, how about embroidery thread? Those are the threads where we hang on while Josh is on vacation, and late night drunken snark turns into party planning, wedding crashing, tuna casserole swaps, bake sales etc.

  193. The Divine O’F
    July 12th, 2007 at 12:51 pm [Reply]

    Isn’t it about time for someone to design a Gail Martin, the Carole King of Rock & Roll, “Tarzana Nights” t-shirt?

  194. The Divine O’F
    July 12th, 2007 at 12:54 pm [Reply]

    191 Bootsy: Excellent!

    And metallic thread for musical digressions?
    Hanging by a thread for those times when you don’t know whether to post because you think a thread is about to end? (In my case, it almost always does.) (gh–I apologize if that was one of your originals. Now I can’t find the post.)

  195. mere cog in the machine
    July 12th, 2007 at 12:56 pm [Reply]

    Turtleboy: I should also add that the unfortunate trendy-at-the-time techno-pop version of ‘Tarzana Nights’ she performed that night at the Sands alienated a good portion of her otherwise fiercely loyal fanbase.

  196. Lynngineering
    July 12th, 2007 at 12:57 pm [Reply]

    #192 – The Divine O’F: “design a…Carole King of…t-shirt”
    In keeping with your earlier reference, shouldn’t it be done in the form of a Tapestry.

  197. Joe Blevins
    July 12th, 2007 at 1:05 pm [Reply]

    Is it a coincidence that today’s comics feature both Drew Carey *and* Drew Corey?

  198. The Divine O’F
    July 12th, 2007 at 1:11 pm [Reply]

    Lynngineering: Yes, a tapestry could be good. I will leave it up to the ultimate designer, however. Where is Wille when we need him?

  199. AhClem
    July 12th, 2007 at 1:13 pm [Reply]

    I’m sorry, but Gail Martin has been dead to me ever since she came out with the disco version of “Tarzana Nights” and sang it with Donna Summer and Michael Jackson on the Carol Burnett Show. I’ve never forgiven her for that.

  200. Calico
    July 12th, 2007 at 1:14 pm [Reply]

    I meant (I think) #177 in Re: to Perky’s comment.
    Sorry!

    (DT)GT – the summer episodes remind me a little of my pre-teens and early teen years, filled with parades, tennis, swimming pools, the beach, too much sugar/candy, real pinball machines (wired, not digital), bowling, mini-golf, music music music (Beach Boys, the Who- God, I am older) on my little plastic “hi-fi” system, comic books.

    However, in GT they are on acid, and I’m not.

  201. commodorejohn
    July 12th, 2007 at 1:17 pm [Reply]

    9CL – Okay, we know what the joke is supposed to be here, but I find it funnier that McEldowney suddenly had to come up with a justification for drawing six panels of Amos and Edda macking. He could pull off the much-reviled unicorn story (which I still like, BTW) with no explanation, but suddenly standard 9CL fare like this requires a reason?

    A3G – Margo is so awesome. Luann’s cousin shows up to help and she hopes it’s a nightmare.

    Archie – Oh, bug off, Archie. Some of us like our indoor lifestyles.

    Curtis – Either Curtis is under the common mistaken impression that “literally” means “figuratively” or Curtis just got ten times more awesome.

    DT – He’s at the CIA Hilton, Gretchen.

    FC – I don’t know what’s funnier here: the random insertion of a bugle into The Family Circus, or its size in relation to Billy.

    FOOB – It’s Fencepost Frank’s Canadian cousin, Exterminator Eddie! Hey, as if we needed another bright side, it means we don’t have to listen to more of the goddamn FOOB plot!

    GT – I can say nothing that Josh hasn’t already said, but this really is that awesome.

    JP – If this guy turns out to be an Alonzo Hawk-style megalomaniacal industrialist, I will be a happy man. Keenan Wynn, you were too good for this world.

    MT – Then he imprisons her and Mark Trail gets captured and says “DO YOU EXPECT ME TO TALK” and he says “NO MR TRAIL I EXPECT YOU TO DIE”

    MW – Vera Shields: Typist by Day, Seismologist by Night

    MC – is awesome.

    OBH – It’d be funnier if it wasn’t so depressingly true.

    SF – I like the concept. I’d buy it.

  202. stinky pete
    July 12th, 2007 at 1:19 pm [Reply]

    162 Paperback Rifler; an exquisite parody, missing only the background “dit-dit-dit”, or “tit-tit-tit” as you prefer. I suggest this as a repeated background vocal, though it would need to be speeded up slightly.

  203. gh
    July 12th, 2007 at 1:21 pm [Reply]

    It looks to be a long, hot summer in Milford. And we know what Buffalo Springfield had to say about long, hot summers. Anyway, For What It’s Worth:

    There’s something happening here
    What it is ain’t exactly clear
    There’s a man with a barky stick there
    Telling me to shave off my hair
    I think it’s Evil Spock! No, it’s Marty Moon
    Everybody here looks so roughhewn

    There’s piss-poor lines being drawn
    Nobody’s right, they’re alien spawn
    Young people don’t seem to mind
    Getting so much of Clambake from behind
    I think it’s Evil Spock! No, it’s Marty Moon
    Everybody here looks so roughhewn

    What a playdown for the girls
    As Coach K cheers on in his pearls
    Throwing strikes and watching one hole
    Sound advice supplied by a troll
    I think it’s Evil Spock! No, it’s Marty Moon
    Everybody here looks so roughhewn

    Paranormal strikes deep
    On planet Earth it will creep
    It starts at The Bucket one day
    You step out of line, the man force you to eat at Cafe
    It’s Evil Spock! No, Marty Moon
    Everybody here looks so roughhewn
    Spock! No, Marty Moon
    Everybody here looks so roughhewn
    Spock! No, Marty Moon
    Everybody here looks so roughhewn
    Spock! No, Marty Moon
    Everybody here looks so roughhewn

    [I didn’t change the first two lines, since they are the greatest summation of (DT)GT I’ve heard yet.]

  204. Brown-eyed Girl
    July 12th, 2007 at 1:24 pm [Reply]

    I used to like Gail Martin’s music, but I can never forgive her for breaking up the Beatles.

    NEW YORKER CAPTION CONTEST!

    I submitted two different captions to the same contest! It’s all about subverting the process, right? I owe my inspiration to the link someone (thank you, whoever you are) posted analyzing the winners. In sum, a winning entry should be:

    1. short
    2. stupid
    3. not funny

    Abiding by these simple rules, I came up with:
    “It’s a permanent wave” and “Gesundheit.”
    If either of these are chosen I will be, well, appalled.

  205. Red Greenback
    July 12th, 2007 at 1:29 pm [Reply]

    Paperback & gh: Youse guys are the rock and roll Carole Kings of song parodies!

  206. MossMoses
    July 12th, 2007 at 1:32 pm [Reply]

    What can (Doctor) Drew Cory do to Vera with his penis?

    1. Full Facial Bukkake
    2. Hershey Highway
    3. Oral sex, using ponytail as handle
    4. “Hands on” on the hand job training
    5. First date coitus
    6. Tell her his “Doogie Howser” pkg nickname

  207. gh
    July 12th, 2007 at 1:37 pm [Reply]

    #192 boosty –

    Yes! And someone around #450 will realize Josh isn’t coming back any time soon and shout “I call embroidery thread!” and we put on a stack of LPs and break into the liquor cabinet.

    #194 The Divine O’F –

    I did toss that one out (it’s at #109 now) but they were only suggestions. Both definitions seem to work. We could have a 1) and a 2) [polka, everyone!].

  208. Nate Bush, Pirate PHD
    July 12th, 2007 at 1:46 pm [Reply]

    #187 (Turtle) – The Sands was ruined at the end. By that point, her drug addiction was spiraling out of control, and the combination of painkillers and alcohol left her slurring the words to her last song “Destiny to remember”

    #191 (Cog) – Yes, Carnegie Hall was wonderful. I was at the recording, and her glow of energy, her shine and energy was clearly that which only a person who was recently relieved of their powerlessness over drugs and alcohol. Out of respect, no one bought the alcohol they were serving at the concert. It was quite amazing, her fan base supports her so much. While the first cords of “Tarzana Nights” was struck, I noticed a twenty-four hour chip shimmering off a bracelet of her wrist. She was quite proud.

    #199 (AhCl) – She protested that performance, but she had to do it. The record company threatened they’d replace her on her recording contracts and have someone else sing all the work she has written. She signed the deal while she was young and naive. She sang that version, and felt like shit. She used and drank so much over it.
    With the money she got from the sales of her “Live from Carnegie” cd, she bought back the rights to her own songs. If you notice, that is not on the box set “Long Musical Braid; a Collection”. That has practically all her songs (even ones she’s not fond of). She clearly doesn’t consider that hers.

  209. Nate Bush, Pirate PHD
    July 12th, 2007 at 1:48 pm [Reply]

    #195 (cog) – That technopop version came from when she experimented with E. Luckily, she didn’t enjoy E as much as pain killers. She is quite the Monroe type.

  210. etho
    July 12th, 2007 at 1:49 pm [Reply]

    That Slylock Fox totally has eight differences. The six it lists as well as the car’s tail light (read in one panel, yellow in the other) and the (inexplicably external) baseboard at the bottom of the wall on the right sde of the panel (green in one panel, white in the other.)

  211. Hogen Mogen
    July 12th, 2007 at 1:52 pm [Reply]

    The Divine O’F says:
    RMMD: Nobody gives a flying Margo about Hugh or his father, who after several weeks in the North Sea is now in any case either decomposed or a Miltonsicle.

    Actually, in Rex-time, Heather barged in on the Morgans with the news only one day ago. In fact, if I have my facts straight, this is a typical week in the Morgan household:

    Saturday – Golfing with Dr. Troy. They had a gay ol’ time.

    Sunday – Dr. Troy is really Long. I mean, his last name is really Long. Skanketta gets shot, Mr. Long escapes.

    Monday – Niki steals June’s purse, June goes to the DMV. Elvis swats Niki.

    Tuesday – Niki seeks medical attention from none other than June Morgan. May’s meth lab explodes. Niki “cleans June’s garage”. Elvis is caught by Abbey the Wonderdog.

    Wednesday – Heather is upset because her husband’s plane went down in the Atlantic. There is a board meeting and Heather the nanny is suddenly Heather the CEO/Chair of the Board.

    Thursday – All we have today so far is that June looks as sexy fresh out of bed, eating toast as she does on the way into bed the night before. Yee-ha. Oh, and someone put dynamite in the car.

    Wow, that’s not even a week for Rex and June, and it’s been over a year in the making for us.

  212. Nate Bush, Pirate PHD
    July 12th, 2007 at 1:53 pm [Reply]

    # 210 (etho) – Wow! The Slylock Fox six-diff-generator-3000 is on the fritz again. As for you, where do you get the time to find those things!

  213. Hogen Mogen
    July 12th, 2007 at 1:55 pm [Reply]

    Actually, I’m a little confused, because I think the events of Monday and Tuesday may have happened on the same day.

  214. Nate Bush, Pirate PHD
    July 12th, 2007 at 1:55 pm [Reply]

    #211 (Hogen) – That should be the way josh aproves things, on a flying-margo scale. “This post gets four and a half out of five flying margos”

  215. Trotzenbonnie
    July 12th, 2007 at 1:55 pm [Reply]

    #185 – Divine O’F
    Mothballs may drive you out of the attic but they won’t get Tom Cruise out of the closet.

    #70 – andreavis
    I usually don’t like to get all caught up in voting for COTW but that gem really shook me out of my complaceny. I keep going back to peek at it so I can laugh some more.

    #163 – gh
    ‘Rolling a large cheese wheel up a flight of stairs’…Thank you! Now I can finally get that tattoo.

  216. Nate Bush, Pirate PHD
    July 12th, 2007 at 1:57 pm [Reply]

    # 215 (Trot) – Please don’t even joke about that man being part of my community, it would cause great damage. I am a hopeless optimistic (cynicly) and I am convinced he is straight…. I am going to tell my self he is straight despite any evidence!

  217. Hogen Mogen
    July 12th, 2007 at 2:00 pm [Reply]

    Slylock: Why is Drew Carey so mad? He got a pizza and was able to pay for it with some white papers with “0″ printed on them. I pay with credit cards for pretty much everything, but I recall from my youth that money is green.

  218. Skullturf Q. Beavispants
    July 12th, 2007 at 2:02 pm [Reply]

    OK, it’s almost 3 pm, and most of my observations about today’s comics have already been made by others. (e.g. the guy in Slylock Fox looks like Drew Carey.) So obscurity is what I have to go for, and obscurity is what you’ll get.

    Today’s Fred Basset contains what could be construed as the second allusion to Buridan’s Ass we’ve seen on the comic pages in the past three weeks.

    Actually, Fred Basset has been particularly surreal and existentialist this week. Check out Tuesday’s and Monday’s.

  219. Nate Bush, Pirate PHD
    July 12th, 2007 at 2:03 pm [Reply]

    #217 (Hogen) – That is because it is night. At night, money turns white. Now, I realize back in your day, when the sun was down, the kids were asleep, so I will forgive your ignorance.

    Why do you think banks close so early, to prevent being handed white papers with 0s on them and no way to tell if they are really dollars or what.

  220. Hogen Mogen
    July 12th, 2007 at 2:10 pm [Reply]

    Catfight: In this corner, from the millionaire’s stomping ground, weighing in at 112 lbs, of sibling fury – - Vera “Curses upon you, Von!” Shields… And in this corner, from the Local University, weighing in at a finite number – - Dawn Westoooon!
    Vera: I’m up and coming at my company!
    Dawn: I’m wise beyond my years! Daddy says so!
    Vera: Take that, helmet hair! *smack!*
    Dawn: Take what?
    Vera: I just swatted you upside the head with a 2×4! Didn’t you feel it?
    Dawn: I’ve got helmet hair! Hello!
    Vera: CURSES UPON YOU, DAWN!

  221. Leonard Maltin Jr.
    July 12th, 2007 at 2:17 pm [Reply]

    I can’t help marveling that yesterday’s GT review included the line, “…I look forward to tomorrow’s weirdly proportioned and strangely angled fisticuffs.” And today, there they are. Or there they would be if Uncle Walter was making a fist.

    “And that’s the way it is.” WHACK!

  222. The Divine O’F
    July 12th, 2007 at 2:18 pm [Reply]

    203 gh: I bow and scrape. Excellent! (Except that damned song is going to be in my head for the rest of the day.)

    204 Brown-eyed Girl: I thought they were both funny. Is there something wrong with me?

    211 Hogen Mogen: BWAHAHAHA!…. er…. really?

    215 Trotz: Bwa and ha, even though it’s an old one, because it is so true.

    I have to go out in the world now for a few hours. It is my fervent hope that I will find a fresh, clean new thread (of mercerized cotton, perhaps) awaiting me on my return.

  223. Dennis Jimenez
    July 12th, 2007 at 2:19 pm [Reply]

    Didn’t Gail Martin choke to death on a ham sandwich? Maybe that was Little Lulu, or Cathy (I wish!).

  224. TurtleBoy
    July 12th, 2007 at 2:19 pm [Reply]

    Cog, Nate, et al: Okay, okay, I’ll admit that the technopop was a little over the top for the time. But it wasn’t her low. I mean, there was that pathetic attempt at relevance in 1986 when she cut the remix “Tarzana Boyz” with Kid ‘n’ Play. I remember seeing the video and thinking, “Gail, how could you do this to your fans?” That was right after her second (third?) stay at Betty Ford, and she swore she was clean, but damn, did she look strung out.

  225. Hubris
    July 12th, 2007 at 2:23 pm [Reply]

    I can’t shake the feeling that a future Pluggers will center on “Plugger hair relaxer,” featuring the back of an exceedlingly hirsute, anthropomorphic, and somehow obviously Caucasian animal juxtaposed with a shabby, vomit-stained La-Z-Boy.

  226. Skullturf Q. Beavispants
    July 12th, 2007 at 2:25 pm [Reply]

    By the way, I forgot to say earlier that sometimes when I get tired of Hungry Hungry Hippos, I like to play “Hungry Hungry Xenophobes.”

  227. Nate Bush, Pirate PHD
    July 12th, 2007 at 2:29 pm [Reply]

    #224 (turtle) – That was her third stay at Betty Ford, and I remember the publicity stunt she pulled while there (as if she needs publicity). She claimed a car pushed her into the median strip where she was found driving drunk. She claimed she just seemed drunk from the wreck, and the wreck was caused by Micheal Jackson’s cronies for disowning the disco version of Tarzana Nights. After her third stay, she claimed sobriety. She publicly stated she was under alot of stress and was “not all there, mentally” (as she said in a press interview six months after her discharge for the third time at Betty Ford) in reference to the incedent.
    The remix you mentioned was made shortly after her release, and many suspect she was still drinking and using the pills she coveted so much. I noticed a year and a half after she got out of the Ford Clinic, she picked up only a year chip, so i personally believe she was still drinking then.

  228. Johnny Q
    July 12th, 2007 at 2:31 pm [Reply]

    GIL THORP: I do believe that the mustached older man defending the girl’s honor is Modesty Blaise’s boss Sir Gerald Tarrant! (The two strips DO have something in common.)

  229. Nate Bush, Pirate PHD
    July 12th, 2007 at 2:32 pm [Reply]

    # 223 (Dennis) – No, she is still alive. She plays smaller venues now because she feels they are “more personal”. The tickets are expensive and sell really fast, but she always gives away enough for young adults and teenagers so they have something to do other than drink and drug.

  230. Trotzenbonnie
    July 12th, 2007 at 2:34 pm [Reply]

    #216 – Nate B., PPHD
    Don’t worry. He’s not gay.
    How do I know this?
    He isn’t my best friend and he hasn’t asked me to marry him.
    That’s how.

  231. gh
    July 12th, 2007 at 2:35 pm [Reply]

    #128 Skullturf Q. Beavispants –

    Thank you for the Fred Bassett shout-out. I really, inexplicably, and thoroughly enjoyed it today (as I do most days) but was too embarrassed to say so. Now I know why. Why I enjoyed it, that is. I already know why I’m embarrassed.

  232. Chris
    July 12th, 2007 at 2:36 pm [Reply]

    Re: Tarzana Nights:

    http://billcrider.blogspot.com/2005/11/one-ride-too-many-frank-bonham.html

    See second paragraph.

    Rapist is a Frank Bonham fan, I guess.

  233. Nate Bush, Pirate PHD
    July 12th, 2007 at 2:37 pm [Reply]

    #230 (Trot Zn. Bon. E) – Thanks for the assurance. I don’t support imersion therapy, but if Tom Cruise was gay, I’d have to support clock-work orange style untill he can’t even think about saying he is part of my community.

  234. reader-who-posts
    July 12th, 2007 at 2:39 pm [Reply]

    Curtis: How does a ventriloquist win a karaoke contest? Does the puppet sing In-a-godda-da-vida?

    Gasoline Alley: Yes, slim should be thankful that those kids aren’t getting into trouble. Everyone knows all that ‘those’ kids ever do is play basketball and join gangs!

    (note for the easily offended – that was sarcasm)

    FBOFW: Oh that guy is so going to steal Liz from Asshole. As soon as he shaves his moustache, that is.

    JP: I’m sure that the hardhat signifies that the ‘new investor’ is an evil developer that wants to turn the beautiful vinyard into a Bed, Bath, and Beyond. But since Sophie says that the vinyard won’t be successful long-term due to global warming, isn’t that the right thing to do? Yay, developers!

    Phantom: Who could imagine that taunting men with guns could lead to shooting? There’s no way the Ghost-who-walks could have ever anticipated that.

    MW: I’m just annoyed because a character in Mary Worth has a newer and better computer monitor than I do.

    Pluggers: Eskimo Pies aren’t the only type ethnic food pluggers like – what about french fries, english muffins, canadian bacon, hawaiian punch and scotch?

  235. Paperback Rifler
    July 12th, 2007 at 2:40 pm [Reply]

    203. Holy crap! That’s some good stuff, gh! The scary thing is, it’s actually a pretty realistic depiction of how completely disturbing and insane Gil Thorp is. Now, I’m not one hundred percent sure, but I suspect that an interview with the GT creative team would probably go a little something like this:

    Interviewer: So, how do you come up with your ideas for Gil Thorp?

    GT Creative Team Member: Well, it helps if you’re really, really drunk. And a few drops of acid don’t hurt anything, either.

    And with regard to Gail Martin, does anybody remember if her substance abuse problems happened before or after she alienated most of Middle America when she traveled to Vietnam at the height of the Vietnam War and felt up Ho Chi Minh at a photo op?

  236. Trotzenbonnie
    July 12th, 2007 at 2:40 pm [Reply]

    And I’m believing every one of your Gail Martin stories because I trust you guys and I know you would never ever lie to me – just like I believed my son when he told me his roommate at Cornell went nuts in the middle of the semester and they finally got him out of the dorm by rolling him down five flights of winding stairs in a wheelbarrow.

  237. AhClem
    July 12th, 2007 at 2:41 pm [Reply]

    #229 Nate -
    She is scheduled to play at the Minnesota State Fair in August. I believe she will be at the free “Leinie’s Lodge” stage at 10:00 AM on Thursday, following a Norwegian tuba quintet and just before the Alderschotte Family Band.

  238. reader-who-posts
    July 12th, 2007 at 2:41 pm [Reply]

    ummm, my grammar sucks…

    Pluggers: Eskimo Pies aren’t the only type OF ethnic food pluggers like – what about french fries, english muffins, canadian bacon, hawaiian punch and scotch?

  239. Nate Bush, Pirate PHD
    July 12th, 2007 at 2:45 pm [Reply]

    # 237 (AhCl) Which thursday? I have to clear up my schedule. Are you going to be there? If so, where are you staying, I hate having to drive home after a Gail concert, I’m always so tired from the excitement and energy her devoted fans give her.

  240. reader-who-posts
    July 12th, 2007 at 2:45 pm [Reply]

    Gail Martin also just played Live Earth, but no one knows it because no one watched Live Earth.

  241. michael farris
    July 12th, 2007 at 2:47 pm [Reply]

    “As it is though, it makes me wonder about the Eskimo culinary tradition. Anybody know?”

    From my ethnographic readings (a long time ago), Eskimos eat/ate meat and lots of it.

    Seal, whale, arctic birds and fish were the mainstays (supplemented by any other local animal that could be hunted) in a diet that had almost no vegetable material at all. The practice of eating the whole animal (organ meats!) helped with vitamins that might not be there if they restricted themselves to muscle meat.

    Lots of meat was eaten raw and when it wasn’t it was minimally cooked (I think boiled or smoked were traditional methods, the main western innovation was pan frying but that’s only in more settled populations). Again, seasonings were mostly unknown.

    Some meat was dried or buried to preserve it.

    One delicacy (esp for feasts) was to carefully gut a seal so that the skin could be used as a large bag which was then filled with a kind of small arctic bird add some seal fat or whale blubber and then bury the whole thing for a time (I think a month at least).
    When the time comes to dig up the skin it’s split open and people eat the fat-soaked birds whole (feathers and all).

  242. Dennis Jimenez
    July 12th, 2007 at 2:48 pm [Reply]

    236 – And that’s how he caught the crabs – end of story.

  243. Uncle Lumpy
    July 12th, 2007 at 2:49 pm [Reply]

    #237 AhChem –

    Did you say free Lienenkugel’s? I am so there, Gail Martin or not.

    Really, though, I haven’t forgiven her for all the hell she put David Birney through after his breakup with Meredith Baxter. I know she was wrestling with her own demons, but that business with the Moroccan was just cruel.

  244. michael farris
    July 12th, 2007 at 2:50 pm [Reply]

    203.

    I bow in the dust.

  245. Nate Bush, Pirate PHD
    July 12th, 2007 at 2:51 pm [Reply]

    #240 (AhCl) – Don’t insult my Gail Martin fandom! I organized a private jet for me and my nicotine addicted friend just so we could smoke on the way there, just to go see her. We dropped our cig butts in the toilet and flushed them, and laughed as they dropped to the ocean below. While we were there, we stayed up all night using all the plugs to play difference Gail Martin songs, and even when we went to sleep, left the lights on and the music going. While we were at the concert, I accidentily left my hummer running, and it was empty, so i had to get my friend to drive over in his hummer to drop off a thing of gas. We drove to the gas station, filled up, and just cruised untill near empty, while listening to Gail.
    I am so glad she supports the cause as much as I do! It makes me feel so proud when I plant my one tree on arbor day.

  246. Joel
    July 12th, 2007 at 2:53 pm [Reply]

    Yeah, I agree, the disco era was kind of a down-period for Gail Martin but a lot of bands didn’t do so well then. When I lost interest was when she tried to be a 80′s Glamrock hair band. I mean, its like, if you are going to try to have giant frizzy sprayed up hair while you wail on guitar, at least take it out of the braid first, you know? I know the braid’s like her signature thing, but since nobody knows who the fuck she is, I mean, what’s the big loss?

    I did get a kick out of seeing her cover Cherry Pie though.

  247. michael farris
    July 12th, 2007 at 2:54 pm [Reply]

    “I did get a kick out of seeing her cover Cherry Pie though.”

    Wasn’t that in her short-lived ‘womyn’s music’ phase?

  248. Nate Bush, Pirate PHD
    July 12th, 2007 at 2:54 pm [Reply]

    #243 (Lumpy) – That was just them eating off the fame that is Gail Martin. They exagerated to the point where it was almost all lies. Where do you get your information? Obviously not the Gail Martin Quartly Magazine (or GMQM for those who are familiar with it!)

    I am Gail’s unofficial biographer, and I know exactly what went on with the Moroccan.

  249. mere cog in the machine
    July 12th, 2007 at 2:58 pm [Reply]

    I have a vintage Gail Martin photo, taken at Studio 54 circa 1977, standing in a group with Halston, Andy Warhol, and Tom Sullivan. She is bloated and unhealthy looking, and if you look really close you can see the silver spoon at the end of the chain around her tube-like neck.

  250. Nate Bush, Pirate PHD
    July 12th, 2007 at 2:59 pm [Reply]

    246 (Joel) That braid was the biggest, more hairsprayed out braid ever. It’s in the Guinness Book of World Records. She was advised against singing Cherry Pie, because people were less tolerant then. Luckily, the press blamed it on shock value, so she wasn’t a victim of the hate.

    247 (Michael) – No, it wasn’t durning her Womyn Music phase, that had already passed, this was her wildly-sexual phase that madonna so ripped off. Notice how in the “Human Nature” music video, madonna has her hair in tiny braids. This was because she thought more braids would distract from the fact she was ripping off Gail. now, I am as much as a Madonna fan as the next queen, but only Gail’s Braid is truely the musical wonder.

  251. Nate Bush, Pirate PHD
    July 12th, 2007 at 3:01 pm [Reply]

    249 (Cog) – Sorry to be a bubble buster, but that was actually just me in my best Gail drag. Pretty good huh? I was still battling an eating disorder then.You should see me in my Gail drag now.

  252. Uncle Lumpy
    July 12th, 2007 at 3:02 pm [Reply]

    #248 Nate –

    Do you have copies of the pictures? You know the ones I mean. I know a gentleman who will pay premium if the goods are genuine and discretion is assured.

  253. reader-who-posts
    July 12th, 2007 at 3:03 pm [Reply]

    245 – I stand corrected. Did you remember to limit yourself to one square of toilet paper when you used the bathroom? That alone will reduce global warming by 0.00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000001 degree F!

  254. mere cog in the machine
    July 12th, 2007 at 3:04 pm [Reply]

    Nate: So much for me putting it on E-bay. Halston and Warhol are sooooo yesterday but people will pay big bucks for authentic Gail Martin memorabilia. I might as well just drop in the mail to you, if you don’t already have the original.

  255. Brown-eyed Girl
    July 12th, 2007 at 3:04 pm [Reply]

    222. Divine O’F. No, it’s me. I don’t “get” the New Yorker. I’m the AJGU 3000 of the caption contest — I can churn out the humor, but I don’t really understand it.

  256. Nate Bush, Pirate PHD
    July 12th, 2007 at 3:07 pm [Reply]

    #252 (Lumpy) I will absolutely not verify nor deny any of your statements regarding copies of “pictures” you imply I have involving David Birney, Meredith Baxter, or a Morraccan.

    (I learned that on VH1′s Charm School).

  257. wasoe
    July 12th, 2007 at 3:07 pm [Reply]

    I applaud MW for immediately skipping ahead several days, because if they hadn’t done that, we wouldn’t have seen this strip for another 20 years or so.

  258. reader-who-posts
    July 12th, 2007 at 3:10 pm [Reply]

    The less said about Gail’s “gangsta rap” phase in the early 90′s the better, especially her doomed affair with Flava Flav.

  259. gh
    July 12th, 2007 at 3:11 pm [Reply]

    9CL

    In all honesty, I find the saga of Josh’s server problems more thrilling than this strip.

  260. Nate Bush, Pirate PHD
    July 12th, 2007 at 3:11 pm [Reply]

    #253 (RWP) – I cheat and use two, but I am such a good martyr for the earth! I mean, two is not alot.

    #254 (cog) – I don’t keep pictures of Andy Warhol. He tried to get Gail to join the Velvet Underground, which was absolutely not her thing. Gail sang a song at a concert she called “Above and Proud”, which clearly took aim at Warhol and the VU.

    My the way lumpy, I do accept donations that could change my mind about certain pictures I may have regarding Gail.

  261. Christopher
    July 12th, 2007 at 3:14 pm [Reply]

    148. The Divine O’F said:

    “But they raise a question: is there any point in actually reading the comics anymore since for almost every single comic mentioned here we all know exactly what is likely to happen and how it will be presented?”

    Well, this is a good segue into why Gil Thorp is awesome.

    I mean, yesterday’s strip was about Kaz confronting a drunk at a concert. So, obviously, the next few days are going to show how that confrontation escalates, right?

    NOPE!

    No resolution to the scene at all, and in fact, the whole concert is over, and Kaz is taking his date somewhere to eat.

    Other strips would probably have spent the rest of the week at the concert, or even the rest of this week plus some or all of next week, but in Gil Thorp it’s only worth one day’s strip.

    Now, angry “give me a kiss” guy is almost certainly the same drunk from the concert, but I’m not certain yet that the ambiguous woman he’s talking to is Gail Martin.

    I’ll have to wait until tomorrow to find out, and I tell you, I’m on tenterhooks.

    Gil Thorp’s ludicrous plots start and stop so suddenly you just can’t predict what’s going to happen next.

    Seriously, how many of you realised that Clambake was going to be a fraud?

  262. Nate Bush, Pirate PHD
    July 12th, 2007 at 3:15 pm [Reply]

    #258 (RWP) I fully support and enjoy Gails rap. She honestly is a poet, and that mode of expression really brings out the honest and insightful and profound side of Gail. Especially in her track “Liquor”, how can you just not scream out the course “Down goes da liquor, gettin up wid da hos/ Down goes da liquor, off goes my clothes”

  263. Mibbitmaker
    July 12th, 2007 at 3:16 pm [Reply]

    CC MUSIC EXTRA

    NEWS ON THE GAIL MARTIN FRONT:
    ……….Gail Martin’s classic rock-like song “Tarzana Nights” will be the theme song for the like-titled sequel to that “Ricky Bobby” movie again starring Will Ferrell as the fictional racecar driver……….

    BEATLES QUESTION: Is the “braaa” on “Ob-la-di Ob-la-da” for the “tit-tit-tit-tit-tit-tit-tit-tit” in “Girl”?

  264. Uncle Lumpy
    July 12th, 2007 at 3:16 pm [Reply]

    #260 Nate –

    Expect to hear from me about this as soon as I’ve completed other delicate negotiations.

    #259 gh –

    So, do you have copies of the server logs? I need authenticated originals, and have a client willing to pay premium for discretion.

  265. AhClem
    July 12th, 2007 at 3:17 pm [Reply]

    #245 Nate – #240 was reader-who-posts, not me. Just wanted to clear that up. Even though I still feel she sold out with the whole disco thing, she still deserves my grudging respect for her work promoting the TFF (Terminal Flatulence Foundation) for so many years.

    And, coincidence of coincidences, I was flipping through the TV channels late last night, and channel 41 was airing an infomercial for the Time-Life Soft Rock CD Collection. Sure enough, “Tarzana Nights” is on it, and they showed a brief video clip of Gail performing it on the Mike Douglas Show from 1971 or 1972. The two guys from Air Supply, who were hosting the infomercial, commented about how much healthier she looked back then, compared to the later Madonna-cone-bra phase.

    #243 Uncle Lumpy,
    If only it were so! Leinenkugel promotes free music at the fair, not beer — although the brewery in Chippewa Falls is only a 90-minute drive from here, and they do give tours with free samples at the end. Sadly, they won’t let you take the tour more than once a day (I asked).

  266. gnome de blog
    July 12th, 2007 at 3:17 pm [Reply]

    #230: Good eye, Johnny Q! If it isn’t Sir G himself it’s his kissin’ cousin.

  267. Nate Bush, Pirate PHD
    July 12th, 2007 at 3:23 pm [Reply]

    265 (AhCl) – My apologize, i was so insult i didn’t look at the name, just figured it was you since you were posting. And by the way, she invented the cone bra because at the time, her lover had a fetish for the woman to have her hair stuffed in the front of her bra, and she just didn’t have enough room for her braid. She then made one cup (her left side, since it is always on that side) bigger, and more pointy, and did the same witht he right to make it even. When she realized her lover was a creep and a pervert, she immediatly disowned the bra and lucky, madonna picked it up…

    They are great for dragqueens… no padding needed.

  268. gh
    July 12th, 2007 at 3:23 pm [Reply]

    Brown-eyed Girl

    Like The Divine O’F, I thought they were both funny. Both of you, what about this?

    “It’s not going to leave until you wave back.”

    Maybe with an edit?

  269. Nate Bush, Pirate PHD
    July 12th, 2007 at 3:25 pm [Reply]

    268 (GH) – I was thinking “Man, that lead in the water really is causing problems”…

  270. Joel
    July 12th, 2007 at 3:27 pm [Reply]

    Man, now you guys have got Tarzana Nights going through my head.

    I am sitting around minding my own biz, and I find myself hummin…

    Oh, Tarzana, Tarzana nights…
    You’re name is preposterous, but it feels so right…
    Feels so rigghht
    Feeeeeeels sooooooo riggggghhhhhhhttttt…

    Nights with Tarzana, how they drive me insane…
    But I just can’t help thinkin…
    Could they have just named you Jane?
    Just named you Jaaaaaaaaane
    Just named you Jaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaane…

    I can’t remember the part after that though.

  271. Consul, the Almost Human
    July 12th, 2007 at 3:28 pm [Reply]

    Meta 9CL/Foob:

    Both strips have taken it on the chin. Whatever her faults, Johnston posts the negatives with the positives on her ‘blog’ whereas McEldowney complained about the lack of respect for artists.

  272. gh
    July 12th, 2007 at 3:28 pm [Reply]

    #264 Uncle Lumpy

    I have 486 boxes of punch cards, so I’d have to charge for shipping.

  273. Nate Bush, Pirate PHD
    July 12th, 2007 at 3:34 pm [Reply]

    # 270 (Joel) – That’s the Womyn’s Music version, the original, to which she danced very beautifully in a white dress in a music video (before they were cool, and Before Kate Bush did her ‘Wuthering Heights” video to much the same affect…. I love her, but I wish Kate came up with her own idea instead of asking Gail if she could use hers), has the following lyrics;

    “Oh, Tarzana, Tarzana nights…
    The name is preposterous, but it feels so right…
    Feels so rigghht
    Feeeeeeels sooooooo riggggghhhhhhhttttt…

    (Add a short instrumental to skip a few bars, and just here her end that with holding out the word “right” again to create the sense she was thinking the lyrics)

    Nights in Tarzana, how they drive me insane…
    But I just can’t help thinkin…
    Could we have just met in Maine?
    Just met in Maaaaaaaaaine
    Just met in Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaine…

    It was alot less racy and risque than the Womyn’s verion.

  274. Mibbitmaker
    July 12th, 2007 at 3:45 pm [Reply]

    Rolling Stone magazine has uncovered an old newspaper clip that offers proof that Gail Martin was a vocalist for the early psychedelic garage rock group The Isometric Lipstick Conspiracy, who had only one album before her solo gig at Monterey Pop. Reportedly, “Little Steven” Van Zant is interested in a copy to play on his radio show “The Underground Garage”. Stay tuned…..

  275. Tim T.
    July 12th, 2007 at 3:47 pm [Reply]

    Does anybody else remember when Slylock’s “find the six differences” was “find the TEN differences”? It was back in the ’80s, and it used to drive me freaking CRAZY trying to find ‘em!
    Best wishes to all you CCers.

  276. Nate Bush, Pirate PHD
    July 12th, 2007 at 3:48 pm [Reply]

    274 (Mibbit) – That is no secret. It is just pointless, as the album wasn’t printed correctly and only the original plays. Unfortunately, the original was deemed an “enemy of the state” by bush and has since been stuck in an undisclosed location. Secretly, Cheney is a Gail Martin fan, even though he is against lesbians.

  277. Joel
    July 12th, 2007 at 3:49 pm [Reply]

    Yeah, I guess I had lesbian Gail on the brain. Either version is preferable, however, to the execrable laundry commercial…

    Days and nights in Tarzana,
    havin lots of fun playin
    but I just can’t help thinkin
    What will get out this stain…..
    Get out this staaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiiin….
    Geeeeeeeetttttt out thiiiiiiiiiiiissssss staaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnn!

    I know it wasn’t Gail’s fault, she did;t own the rights. But…sigh… it just wasn’t the same any more

  278. TurtleBoy
    July 12th, 2007 at 3:50 pm [Reply]

    #273 Nate: Man, and here I pegged you for the hardcore fan who would’ve had the “alternate” lyrics in your head, the ones she debuted in that Live Aid concert she did with Bob Geldof?:

    “Those nights in Tarzana, how they [margo] with my brain,
    I just can’t help thinking,
    Why’d I ever leave Spain?
    Ever leave Spaaaaaaain,
    Ever leave Spaaaaaaaaaaaain…”

    I think she meant it as historical commentary on the Franco regime, but she never got a chance to elaborate on it. Bob was eager to get her offstage after that number, since at that point she’d started swearing incoherent obscenities at the front row fans.

  279. bats :[
    July 12th, 2007 at 3:51 pm [Reply]

    Ummm, Dingo, I have a gas stove, and I live in Tucson. I can’t speak for the rest of the U.S., but there was a natural gas moratorium in the early 1980′s, and most residences built at that time were all-electric. That has since changed, so you might look in the direction of housing built prior to 1980 or 1990 and after. (My mom had a home in Tucson built during the moratorium, even with the gas line running down the street in front of her house…if she’d wanted to spend the money in the early 1990s to get a gas hook-up, she could’ve).
    To my knowledge, while there are two big power (read, electric) companies in the metro Phoenix area (APS and SRP), there are no outstanding gas companies, which I suspect really tips the balance toward all-electric homes. Tucson, and much of northern AZ (the latter was a recent acquisition, since 2000) is served by Southwest Gas.
    (Dang, inheriting a little bit of utility stock from my folks has finally paid off!)

  280. Dennis Jimenez
    July 12th, 2007 at 3:56 pm [Reply]

    This is bringing back memories of Lilith Fair – good times.

  281. Nate Bush, Pirate PHD
    July 12th, 2007 at 3:56 pm [Reply]

    #278 (Turt) and a little to (joel) too:

    I have been a fan from the start, and when I first heard Tarzana Nights, i fell in love. Those words are ingrained so deep in my brain, the alternative versions are nice, but just not the ones I think of, and certainly not the ones Drunken-Concert-Teen was requesting much to the displeasure of Wearing-Semi-Casual-Clothes-To-A-Rock-Concert-Man. Then Again, Drunken-Concert-Teen may be as deep as a fan as you are Turtle Fan, and actual want her to curse, just to prove Clambake wrong when he said “Classy women and sophisticated men don’t say [Margo].”

  282. Christopher
    July 12th, 2007 at 3:58 pm [Reply]

    Oh, and one of you Cruminions sent that idea in to Pluggers as a joke, right?

    Fess up.

    It really does sound more like a joke we would make about how lame pluggers are then a joke they’d actually use.

  283. Joel
    July 12th, 2007 at 4:04 pm [Reply]

    Turtle,

    I’m not so sure it was historical commentary. You’re forgetting the Flamenco album she cut with Linda Rondstadt.

    Oh, those outfits…

  284. Mibbitmaker
    July 12th, 2007 at 4:12 pm [Reply]

    #276: To be fair, the reason the president did that was the fact that, if played backwards, you could hear one of the singers (not Gail, a male) giving instructions on making bomb materials for a proto-Weather Underground group. It was discovered that it was all an honest mistake by 1978, but it’s reported that Bush played it backwards (he was eating pretzels at the time!), took the “instructions” at face value, and decreed it too al-Quaeda-friendly.

    Cheney thought it’d be bad press for the administration, so it was never corrected, even with the info leaked by Scooter Libby. All this caused Gail to write a protest song that even Michael Moore said was “way too unfair” to the president.

    As to Cheney hating lesbians, that was b.s. spread by his own daughter, since she was angry over the treatment of the Isometric Lipstick Conspiracy album. In fact, he only hates lesbians in the Democratic party. Common error.

    Besides, the post-Gail Martin ILC 45s dating from 1967-1971 (only popular in England and Finland at the time) still float around. “Baby, Groovy Maypo” was even praised by Paul McCartney in 1968 for it’s quintuple-tracking vocals. “Even we never thought of that”, he said then.

  285. The Avocado Avenger
    July 12th, 2007 at 4:17 pm [Reply]

    #29 Brown Eyed Girl – Ah, if you knew which blogs I regularly went to, you’d know how hard I laughed at your comment. Well played.

    #210 etho – That’s why Slylock torques me off so much. There’s always some coloring error or other “accident” which creates a difference between the two panels.

  286. Theominousoat
    July 12th, 2007 at 4:21 pm [Reply]

    Glad to see someone involved with GT learned how to use the copy and paste function on their computer.

    Also: The proprieters of the cafe in GT seem to have inexplicably printed todays date on their wall.

  287. Razmytaz
    July 12th, 2007 at 4:26 pm [Reply]

    I’ve always thought the impressive thing about Gail’s concerts is how when the obligatory TN comes around, each one the fans chimes in with a different version of the lyrics (and tune / tempo as well) . It comes across like the surge and crash of an ocean wave, just channeling all that fan love.
    Is it only me, though that remembers how at Monterrey her rendition was so intense that her banjo (she did her own instrumentals in those days, when she still had the finger coordination) spontaneously combusted? Rumors about friction and too much patchouli oil in the braid went around at the time. It just made Jimi’s shtick later seem that much lamer… I mean… lighter fluid?

  288. Will
    July 12th, 2007 at 4:28 pm [Reply]

    Re: Eskimo food

    Good to know. What a pity raw caribou and seal hasn’t quite hit the dining scene, that I know of (despite the raw meat craze)…and probably won’t in the near future. Then again, if they can’t migrate because of misconcieved oil pipelines, we might as well do something with them…

    Re: Inuit

    I know that’s the preferred term–I used Eskimo because I was referring to the cartoon. Didn’t mean to make people angry, or make people think other people might make people think other people might make people angry. ;)

  289. Mibbitmaker
    July 12th, 2007 at 4:34 pm [Reply]

    Personally, my favorite Gail Martin moment was in 1985, when she jammed with Spinal Tap and the Rutles. It was released only in a Rutles bootleg LP called either “Isometric Rutles” or “Tap the Rutles”. The former was based on the fact that Spinal Tap had a drummer in 1976 that was also a session musician for The Isometric Conspiracy in 1966. Gail’s original group wasn’t in on the jam session.

    The moment in question was at the end of a rollicking version of “Big Bottom”, when Gail shouted out gleefully, “Tap! Rutles! You guys are the real thing, baby! the actual items! Not a fake bone in your bodies!” (She was disillusioned with Hollywood phonies at the time) It’s rumored that Conan O’Brien based the name of his “Actual Items” bit on that quote, though Andy Richter denies it to this day.

  290. Islamorada Girl
    July 12th, 2007 at 4:36 pm [Reply]

    Back in the day, when I used to hang out at CBGB’s with my neighbors Debbie Harry and Patti Smith, Gail Martin used to come by once in a while when the Circle Jerks were in town. We all used to snort up in the ladies’ room with Laura Nyro and jam after last call. If we’d known she was going to get a 100 lb. monkey on her back, we would have gotten Phil and Joey to stage an intervention.
    Instead, I got one of those 3 AM phone calls to come to Bellevue and pick her up. She’d been taken there by the cops when they picked her up on W. 87th having a psychotic episode. Debbie and I drove her up to Silverbrook to get clean and sober and didn’t expect to see her again. Several years later, I ran into her Reno Sweeny’s and she swore she was off the stuff and about to record at Electric Ladyland. I never saw her again, but I heard she’d become a Jesus freak and was doing the tent revival circuit with Peter Popov, that she’d married some civilian and moved to Port Deposit, MD. I dunno; show biz does strange things to people.

  291. AhClem
    July 12th, 2007 at 4:39 pm [Reply]

    Bush’s hatred of Gail Martin stems from one of her earliest singles about drunkedness, “Alky-Day.” Whether Bush identified too strongly with the theme or if he just mispronounced it as “Al-Qaeda” is uncertain, but he’s hated her music ever since he became Preznit.

  292. Eleusis
    July 12th, 2007 at 4:43 pm [Reply]

    Honestly, Gail Martin’s solo work has been really uninspired. I liked her much better when she was the lead singer of Dykes on Barbiturates.

  293. Little A.
    July 12th, 2007 at 4:49 pm [Reply]

    GT: I just read in the Entertainment section of Google News that a trade paperpack is coming out in a couple of months, Clambake Uncovered, with the suppressed strips printed.

    This should be interesting.

    I have still not decided which is the worst drawn comic strip in the known universe, Gil Thorp or Momma.

    Apples and oranges.

    Actually, despite what the results are, it looks like the GT artist makes an attempt to imitate some form of reality, or what he thinks is reality if you have no idea what real reality actually looks like, actually.

    Mell Lazarus for years has been sticking his pen up his left nostril and drawing his strips that way, with his hands tied behind his back, after a few glasses of strong cider or a couple of beers, in the dark.

  294. Uncle Lumpy
    July 12th, 2007 at 4:49 pm [Reply]

    “Oh those Tarzana nights with sweet Cindy and Sue
    “Sprawled out on a mattress in my Subaru
    “We pulled off our Dockers and Timberlands too
    “And played k.d. lang ’til our nethers turned blue.”

  295. Adjuster
    July 12th, 2007 at 4:50 pm [Reply]

    279 bats: I don’t know how far we can stray off-topic, but since we’re straying… Southwest Gas has provided gas for stoves / heat in all the places I’ve been in Phoenix, and I’ve lived here since 1995.

    (bringing it back on-topic now…) Maybe in a dramatic plot-twist FW will have Lisa fly out to Phoenix and die in a natural gas explosion. Or maybe just be badly burned – so she can be nursed back to health in order to die of cancer.

  296. Razmytaz
    July 12th, 2007 at 4:59 pm [Reply]

    Oh and as a snark-free comment. I happened to pass by the Mother Earth concert at the Museum of the American Indian in DC, which was at least loosely affiliated with Live Earth (Al gave the keynote in the morning). Gail Martin was not in attendence, but there were 8 different groups of amerind rockers, who were generally great. (I mean if you aren’t going to have the “Divine Miss M” (sigh)… even Bette Middler ripped her off). Who would have thought the Reddmen (punk rockers from South Dakota) would have been able to thrash so convincingly? And the covers and original bits that Blues Nation did made you gasp at how a group of Kiowa/Comanche/Apache from Oklahoma could so effectively channel the Mississippi Delta spirit.

    It was Margoing amazing. Not what I originally expected from the program. I’m going to have to start attending more Pow-wows.

  297. Rainbird
    July 12th, 2007 at 5:05 pm [Reply]

    Ah, #62, McManx, I have been wondering about that, how the artist, if he could be called that, draws GT. I can draw better than that, but of course, I can’t get a job from the syndicate to draw a daily strip. How does he do it? Does he have photos of the editors of the papers he appears in?

    That is the real mystery here, along with how in FOOB the contractor wouldn’t tell Elly before he started working, how much he was going to charge. Sheesh.

  298. Sweet Pea
    July 12th, 2007 at 5:17 pm [Reply]

    GAH! He’s angry because the delivery guy bit his pizza. Why must you always imagine the worst of us pluggers?

  299. Zamboni_Rodeo
    July 12th, 2007 at 5:21 pm [Reply]

    A3G: I’ve about decided Margo’s ego has outgrown the apartment. Either she needs to take it and find her own place to live, or Tommie and Luann need to start charging it rent.

    GT: Vincent Price comes back from the dead to make a startling cameo appearance.

    JP: Panel three: The most face any comic strip panel has ever held.

    Dinette Set: The more I see this strip, the more I realize that the artist is a firm believer in “quantity” over “quality.” There’s more going on in a single panel of this comic than in three months of Mary Worth. Wait… maybe that’s a bad example.

    Does anyone remember the comeback that Gail Martin had in the ’90s when she did that electronic dance track with The KLF? Man, that song rocked.

  300. Mumbles
    July 12th, 2007 at 5:23 pm [Reply]

    To me, Gail Martin never recovered from her guest-starring role in “The Love Boat” when she sang at Julie’s high school reunion cruise (with Raymong Burr as the drunk English teacher.)

    It looks to me at Mount Foob that the Patterfoobs didn’t hire a house inspector, and the previous owner screwed them. So much for idyllic Canadian suburban life. I’m sure Gordo’s in his garage every night messing with odometers and scraping off VINs. Who knows what Granthony’s doing to the cinnabun frosting (probably watering it down, I don’t think he has the, er, strength to attempt anything else.)

  301. cheech wizard
    July 12th, 2007 at 5:28 pm [Reply]

    FOOB – “You’ve got an attic full of squirrels” isn’t a reference to a rodent problem, he’s simply telling Elly she’s nuts.

    (DT) GT – Bob and Kelly are rudely interrupted in the midst of their foreplay, in which she’s stuffed her decolletage full of flowers to entice him with the aroma.

    But right-wing unrest is growing in Milford, as a young enthusiast gets carried away during a rally and attempts to plant a kiss on the old Nazi in the midst of his fiery oratory.

  302. Uncle Lumpy
    July 12th, 2007 at 5:29 pm [Reply]

    I cherish my bootleg LP of Gail Martin and Margo Guryan at the Cellar Door in 1971.

  303. camille-martine
    July 12th, 2007 at 5:30 pm [Reply]

    is that gil thorpe brunette’s head coming out of a flowerpot in that second panel? that’s terrifying.

  304. cheech wizard
    July 12th, 2007 at 5:32 pm [Reply]

    Oh yeah, and Gail Martin is the name of a Detroit author who appears to write vapid books on Michigan and spirituality – wanna bet she’s a friend of you-know-who?

  305. Uncle Lumpy
    July 12th, 2007 at 5:32 pm [Reply]

    #301 cheech –

    (DT)GT — “Shall we . . . cattleya?”

  306. Zamboni_Rodeo
    July 12th, 2007 at 5:32 pm [Reply]

    #293, Little A: I have still not decided which is the worst drawn comic strip in the known universe, Gil Thorp or Momma.

    For my money, the worst-drawn comic ever is Marmaduke. There’s nothing I hate more than a lazy artist, and if the loose, sloppy style depicted therein is any indication, Marmaduke’s artist is one lazy bastard indeed. The artists for GT and Momma may not be good in the true sense of the word, but at least they both give the impression of having *some* control over their medium.

    While we’re on the subject, I would like to take a moment to profess my love for the artwork in Gasoline Alley. It’s not a funny strip, but there’s this interesting look to the artwork that always make me think of think of the 1940s. Maybe that’s appropriate given the age of the strip, I don’t know, but even when Slim is wearing a rabid expression with basketballs for pupils, there’s just something in the way the artwork is rendered that I really like.

  307. beergoggles
    July 12th, 2007 at 5:34 pm [Reply]

    stepping away martin-mania 07 for a moment, it was refreshing to see lucy van pelt being a comic curmudgeon today in peanuts

  308. The Divine O’F
    July 12th, 2007 at 5:35 pm [Reply]

    I’m back. And I’m SO impressed with the depth of Gail Martinology I find here. Most people only know her as “you know, that chick who was once the Carole King of rock and roll.” It’s good to be with a group of people who realize that her career has been so, so much more.

    Brown-eyed Girl: Those who do, do; those who don’t can’t… wait a minute, wrong aphorism. Your captions are still funny.

    Christopher: You make a good point. And it applies to Dick Tracy also.

    gh: Your caption is so stupid they might pick it. (And I mean that in a GOOD way.) Send it in!

    I-Girl: Laura Nyro! I’ve been thinking about her lately (really)! She was the Laura Nyro of rock & roll (may she rest in peace).

  309. Bill James
    July 12th, 2007 at 5:39 pm [Reply]

    Josh – way earlier in this thread:

    As far as people in cold climates eating ice cream, I remember being in Moscow and seeing ice cream kiosks on about every third corner. I said to our guide (a native Muscovite) that I bet they didn’t so much business in the winter, and she said that no, the winter was their busiest season because people believed eating cold things on a cold day makes you feel warmer. I’ve also been told that people in hot climates drink hot drinks to feel cooler (think Arabs and coffee). Doesn’t make sense to me, bu then much of life doesn’t.

  310. Razmytaz
    July 12th, 2007 at 5:53 pm [Reply]

    Well, when it comes to ice cream, I still remember my first visit to the temple of Steve’s Ice Cream, in Summerville, Mass… at 11:30 at night… in January… in falling snow… in a line outside that took at least twenty minutes before we got inside. We took our ice cream seriously dag-nabbit. The Hot Fudge was definitely a religious experience.

    And do I read the URL correctly? Are we really talking 284,000 snarks? That’s amazing.

  311. S. Belle
    July 12th, 2007 at 6:04 pm [Reply]

    #88
    “What’s harder… or finding a gay man in the southern states OTHER THAN ME?”

    Oh, honey, you’re not lookin’ near hard enough. I know where to find gay men, and I’m a straight, forty-something woman!

  312. Skullturf Q. Beavispants
    July 12th, 2007 at 6:06 pm [Reply]

    #293 Little A and #306 Zamboni_Rodeo:

    Re “worst drawn comic strip”

    Momma and Marmaduke are both good choices. I would put “Crock” in there with those two (though today’s wasn’t quite as horrible, maybe because it had a bit more detail than normal). Actually, (gasp) I thought today’s Crock was kind of funny!

    However, the artwork in those strips, despite their obvious flaws, at the very least shows some knowledge of how to use pen-strokes on a page to attract attention. Sure, it might sometimes attract attention the same way that a train-wreck does (or an autopsy photo, or a picture of a deformed stillborn infant). But you get the impression that the artists for Momma and Marmaduke, and yes, possibly even Crock, might actually KNOW how to draw, but they’re just quick and lazy. After doing the strip for half a decade, they just want to make it to the golf course by noon. (In fact, consulting old strips of “Miss Peach” confirms that Mell Lazarus once knew how to do “bold and tidy” instead of “bold and messy”.)

    I don’t put Gli Thpro into the same category of “badly” drawn, though. It’s its own category. It’s the space alien of comic strips and transcends judgement by our puny carbon-based criteria. It’s like Judy Tenuta, or Tiny Tim, or Bobcat Goldthwait. You can’t judge it by the criteria of any medium, it is its own category and defies all criticism and explanation.

    You can actually make a case that the “worst drawn” strips aren’t the “messy” ones, but the ones that seem to be trying, and seem to be going for some kind of controlled minimalism, but just end up hurting your eyes and even your soul. Yes, I am speaking of none other than CATHY.

    (By the way, this may ruffle some feathers among you folks, whereas some others will say “Right on!” Another strip where I think one could classify the art as “trying for controlled minimalism, but painful to the eyes and soul” is none other than Dilbert! It pains me a little to say that, because Scott Adams’ sense of humour is similar to mine. Among all the cartoonists in the daily papers, he’s probably one of the four or five that I would most enjoy hanging out with. If he hasn’t read this comment, of course.)

  313. Uncle Lumpy
    July 12th, 2007 at 6:18 pm [Reply]

    #312 SQB –

    I gave up on Dilbert years ago. Like Edda in 9CL, he just rages that the talents he has aren’t the standard of value for everybody else.

    Was Dilbert ever promoted to manager? How did he do at getting his group to implement a policy somebody else thought up? Did his hair start growing points?

  314. Islamorada Girl
    July 12th, 2007 at 6:20 pm [Reply]

    That reminds me. Anyone remember Gail’s appearance with Judy Tenuta on Carson? What a night! I thought Johnny would pee his pants! Legendary.

  315. Ross
    July 12th, 2007 at 6:25 pm [Reply]

    Somehow, the idea of Dagwood buying a car with modern features like a navigation system, yet seeing him dressed as having just exited a speakeasy doesn’t quite compute.

  316. Anonymous
    July 12th, 2007 at 6:26 pm [Reply]

    268. gh Now that one is funny. Shorter is better, the handbook says. How about something like: “So, wave back.”

  317. The Divine O’F
    July 12th, 2007 at 6:27 pm [Reply]

    It’s clear that this thread is going to go on forever… or at least till I get offline, so I’m doing so now. I need to convert all my Gail Martin CDs to MP3s. Someday you’ll thank me for this.

  318. Brown-eyed Girl
    July 12th, 2007 at 6:27 pm [Reply]

    316 was me

  319. Trotzenbonnie
    July 12th, 2007 at 6:43 pm [Reply]

    #302 – Uncle Lumpy
    The Cellar Door! Lawdy, that takes me back…sniff! John Denver did “Leaving On a Jet Plane” there. (Gail Martin was NOT singing back-up for that gig. She was too busy posing nude for Gene Davis at the Corcoran.)

  320. aeghaeghrur
    July 12th, 2007 at 6:50 pm [Reply]

    there is a seventh difference.

    one extra horizontal line in the bottom right corner (the bottom of the house) on the first panel.

    or actually now that i look at it more closely, i think its just that the grass has been painted white in the first one for some reason.

    either way.

  321. aeghaeghrur
    July 12th, 2007 at 6:53 pm [Reply]

    oh sorry, i see im late. and its 8 not 7.

  322. Joel
    July 12th, 2007 at 6:53 pm [Reply]

    There were a lot of great Gail Martin shows, but the best I ever saw was one of her more intimate acoustic appearances at the bucket. Just her and her banjo — she was dressed in a pointy bra, a giant hair-sprayed frizzy braid, a disco outfit, a 32′ Flava-Flav clock dangling around her neck and some Doc Martins. Man, what a show. Too bad it was ruined when an adoring fan who couldn’t get tickets reached in the window from “the Cafe” across the street with a 120 foot arm that protruded from just above his waist and tried to manhandle her. And she was just about to play the acoustiv banjo/hip-hop/lesbian folk/dance remix of Tanzana Nights too.

    I thought for sure that would be the last time she would play Milford.

  323. Bunnë
    July 12th, 2007 at 6:53 pm [Reply]

    Boy, the eaves of that house are really low… it looks like Mr. Pizza-ordering-man & family live in a tiny little shack.

    All the more reason to be torqued when the pizza man eats you food.

  324. Brown-eyed Girl
    July 12th, 2007 at 6:57 pm [Reply]

    285. The Avocado Avenger Re: your post re: my post

    singularities?
    event horizons?
    pizza?
    slavering zombies?
    Singular events where slavering zombie-topped pizza is served?

    Enquiring minds want to know, if you don’t mind my being nosy.

  325. CrabbyGenes
    July 12th, 2007 at 7:00 pm [Reply]

    #163 gh. I hadn’t thought of that!

    Now, if I can just figure out how to get a stack of books past the anti-theft devices at the doorway and out to the dumpster in the parking-lot……

  326. CrabbyGenes
    July 12th, 2007 at 7:04 pm [Reply]

    #222 # The Divine O’F says:

    “I have to go out in the world now for a few hours. It is my fervent hope that I will find a fresh, clean new thread (of mercerized cotton, perhaps) awaiting me on my return.”

    Why, whatever could you possibly mean? We ARE the world!:-)

  327. Uncle Lumpy
    July 12th, 2007 at 7:11 pm [Reply]

    #318 Trotz –

    And Richie Havens did both “Follow” and his great cover of “Here Comes the Sun.”

    I missed the epic Martin/Guryan gig (but my LP is just about worn through). But I caught Gail in an insane dual bill with Arthur Brown shortly before his death. I’m amazed it wasn’t her, the way she was living. They jammed on Fire for 45 minutes, during which time Gail invented rap, killed it with irony, replaced it with hip-hop, then reacculturated it as reggaeton. And this was live.

    I’m delighted to see she’s able to manage even an attenuated career — it’s a miracle she can even function.

  328. stinky pete
    July 12th, 2007 at 7:15 pm [Reply]

    325 CG: We are the world? Of course, who can forget Gail Martin’s brief duet with Steve Perry on that great song? (She’s hard to see in the video for most of it, standing behind Dan Aykroyd as she is.)

  329. Joel
    July 12th, 2007 at 7:21 pm [Reply]

    #327
    I heard that she was responsible for the rhythmic farting you can hear in the background. Or was that Lauper?

  330. Joel
    July 12th, 2007 at 7:26 pm [Reply]

    Woops, I mean #327. Sorry

  331. Joel
    July 12th, 2007 at 7:27 pm [Reply]

    Damn it, I mean #328. Arg!

  332. ElSanto
    July 12th, 2007 at 7:55 pm [Reply]

    Don’t forget Gail Martin’s blink-and-you’ll-miss-it cameo in the movie Zoolander, which oddly also had a cameo appearance from her ex-lover David Bowie. I hear that despite the split, the two still have an amicable relationship.

    There was also her incredible overseas stint in the ’80s, which — and most people overlook this — actually made her more popular than Madonna in the Philippines. The Hard Rock Makati displays a painting of her face beside luminaries such as Freddy Mercury and Elvis Presley. When pop-sensation Regine Velasquez braided her hair in the late 90′s, everyone knew who she was paying tribute to.

  333. Ukulele Ike
    July 12th, 2007 at 7:55 pm [Reply]

    #322: Remember when Gail walked onstage during the great Dead show at the Pyramids in 1979? She harmonized with Donna Lee during “Bertha” and “The Music Never Stopped,” then took the lead vocal in an amazing and unprecedented performance of “Begin the Beguine” !

    She and Jerry were hot to do “Tarzana Nights,” but Bobby didn’t know the changes.

  334. Citric
    July 12th, 2007 at 8:00 pm [Reply]

    FOOB: If it hasn’t been said already: don’t hire a male prostitute to get the squirrels out of your attic. Though, to be fair, if your husband sits in the basement and plays with trains all day, it does seem pretty sensible.

  335. commodorejohn
    July 12th, 2007 at 8:06 pm [Reply]

    #148 mere cog in the machine – I’d have to agree with the Woodstock one – she did a great rhythm guitar with Jefferson Airplane on “Somebody to Love.” If you ask me, it’s the little stuff like that that she does best.

  336. Plinko Commie
    July 12th, 2007 at 8:23 pm [Reply]

    I’ve always liked the use of the tongue licking the upper lip as the universal sign for “mmm mmm this assault on my arteries is gonna be tasty!” I bet Pluggers don’t do it merely as metaphor, too.

  337. Zamboni_Rodeo
    July 12th, 2007 at 8:28 pm [Reply]

    Pluggers: Eskimo Pies? You know, I know what cow pies are. Not so sure I’d want to try an Eskimo Pie.

    That being said, the Plugger in today’s comic (is it a bear? Dog? Overfed 13-stripe ground squirrel?) looks like he’s already eaten more than enough Eskimo Pies for three lifetimes.

  338. skankmonkey
    July 12th, 2007 at 8:35 pm [Reply]

    When they used “Tarzana Nights” to sell incontinence products, I realized Gail had totally sold out. My love for her died that day.

  339. Arthur Brown
    July 12th, 2007 at 8:40 pm [Reply]

    It was Gail Martin who said, “Arthur, your world is CRAZY!” The rest, they say, is bloody history.

    Last I heard, she was on a shrimp boat in Bayou Labatrie.

  340. LTBF
    July 12th, 2007 at 8:47 pm [Reply]

    I thought Mike and his buddies were going to fix the roof? And why is the painter so chummy with Elly he calls her “Mrs. P”?

    Thanks, Lynn, for not letting April have the rest of the week to talk things out with her parents about the move. Way to support your fictional child, the only one who ever visited your dad without asking if he is crazy.

  341. Trotzenbonnie
    July 12th, 2007 at 8:48 pm [Reply]

    ‘You’ll be calm and dry around the clock
    Says the Carole King of Roll and Rock
    Wear Serenity Pads when you turn off the lights
    They’ll keep you dry on Tarzana nights”

    Lalalalalala

  342. LTBF
    July 12th, 2007 at 8:55 pm [Reply]

    Are home inspections not required in Foobland? When we sold our house, we had to have one and once had to have some leak I wasn’t aware of on the toilet fixed and get new burners for the stove.

    And they didn’t uncover a fragile tree or a squirrell colony in the attic? Of course, we didn’t hand over the keys while we still had our stuff inside, either.

  343. Yummy Fur
    July 12th, 2007 at 8:57 pm [Reply]

    FOOB: Actually the pile of squirrels in the attic is Granthony’s moustache farm….

  344. Jimmy
    July 12th, 2007 at 9:00 pm [Reply]

    #343: COTW fer sure! I laughed myself awake !

  345. Kip W
    July 12th, 2007 at 9:07 pm [Reply]

    I’ll continue to assert that Cathy is the worst-drawn strip, because it’s the one where the drawing actually keeps me from attempting to read the strip. Poor character designs, inexpressive faces, cliched gestures, and after all these years, she hasn’t improved a bit! The writing’s actually not bad, but I can’t read it.

    GT – I think I used to listen to Tarzana Nights on the radio, right between “Gitarzan” and “Nights in White Satin.” At least I think I did.

  346. Skullturf Q. Beavispants
    July 12th, 2007 at 9:17 pm [Reply]

    #345 Kip W: I agree with you — and I’m inexplicably thrusting one arm upwards with an extended index finger!

  347. Red Greenback
    July 12th, 2007 at 9:25 pm [Reply]

    Gail Martin also hung with Vanilla Fudge when they were doing bright and bouncy cover songs. Gail told the boys “I think maybe you should do cover songs “All slow and spooky-like’” She also was in on the “mudshark” incident…Good times!

  348. Red Greenback
    July 12th, 2007 at 9:39 pm [Reply]

    Remember when Gail was on the Merv Griffin show when she said “Minnie Riperton’s cheating, she’s whistling that part”

  349. Dean Booth
    July 12th, 2007 at 9:45 pm [Reply]

    #51 Jamus, I read somewhere that as a result of global warming, the Eskimos have gone from 21 to 13 words for snow.

  350. True Fable
    July 12th, 2007 at 9:48 pm [Reply]

    # 345 Kip – Absolutely. That is why Cathy (MD) stands for Cathy Must Die. The WORST STRIP….in the WOOOOORLD! (to paraphrase Keith Olbermann) Only I mean it in this case.

    #79 Kate – I have some new neighbors who planted a really nice flower garden and then proceeded to toss a boxful of mothballs all over it because they didn’t want the squirrels to dig up their bulbs or eat their seeds. I say, what’s the point in planting flowers if you can’t stop and enjoy them for all the throat-constricting, stinky assed mothballs, interrobang x 3? Plus, the squirrels don’t care. But since mothballs are suspected to cause problems for senior citizens in enclosed spaces, I hope Elly and John load up their attic with mothballs.

    #109 gh – the thread definitions were GREAT!

  351. Joel
    July 12th, 2007 at 9:50 pm [Reply]

    “Gail Martin also hung with Vanilla Fudge when they were doing bright and bouncy cover songs.”

    That was fun, but it reminds me too much of her ill-fated effort to cash in on the Vanilla Ice bandwagon in the early 90′s as MC Tarzana. If I never see another flat-top braid again, it will be too soon.

    “Turn out the lights, I rock the mic like a vandal.
    Tarzana nights will be too much to handle
    Swingin from trees plus another a in my name-o
    That Tarzana bitch gets the fortune and fame-o”

    And then the part about being a “lyrical gangster” and a “spherical hamster.” Sorry Gail, that shit just doesn’t rhyme.

  352. CrabbyGenes
    July 12th, 2007 at 9:50 pm [Reply]

    #345 Kip W says:

    “I’ll continue to assert that Cathy is the worst-drawn strip, because it’s the one where the drawing actually keeps me from attempting to read the strip.”

    I’m with you. And since you detailed the horrible CATHY drawing style so well, I will gripe about the wordiness. I find the amount of words in that strip daunting. And if I ever do plow through all of them, I usually find at the end that it just wasn’t worth reading.

    With Gil Thorp it’s a combination of the weird drawing AND the horrible font. But I can’t classify it as the “worst”-drawn strip because it has a sort of psychotic style about it that both repels and fascinates me. There’s talent there. It’s just a very weird talent.

  353. Buck Ripsnort
    July 12th, 2007 at 9:51 pm [Reply]

    Brown Eyed Girl– It doesn’t look good for my effort, “I told you mines make lousy pool toys.”

  354. reader-who-posts
    July 12th, 2007 at 9:52 pm [Reply]

    Gail Martin is the David Hasselhoff of Lichtenstein. Although her latest single, “Tarzana Nights 2: Put Your Thing in My Koochie” was a flop in the US, she sold 27,500 copies in Lichtenstein during it’s first week of release. That may not sound like much but once you consider that the population is 28,000 it becomes a lot more impressive.

  355. Red Greenback
    July 12th, 2007 at 9:54 pm [Reply]

    Gail also said in a newspaper article; “I wrote the song ‘Teddy Bear’…not the Elvis one, but the Red Sovine one”

  356. Islamorada Girl
    July 12th, 2007 at 9:55 pm [Reply]

    I remember the night at the The Glory Hole on Christoper Street when Gail took the stage with Gloria Gaynor for an “I Will Survive” that totally shut down all the leather queens. That was during her brief and ill-advised disco phase. Shortly after that, she checked back into rehab and had her septum surgically repaired. Good times!

  357. Islamorada Girl
    July 12th, 2007 at 9:57 pm [Reply]

    I understand she’s still huge in Germany. She opens there for David Hasselhoff.

  358. Joel
    July 12th, 2007 at 9:58 pm [Reply]

    #354
    Is that the one that sounds like a remix of “Put your head on my shoulder?” Yeah, that’s slammin.

  359. andreavis
    July 12th, 2007 at 9:58 pm [Reply]

    OK now I’m really looking forward to the Gail Martin episode of VH1′s Behind the Music, because I can’t wait to see interviews with David Bowie, Meredith Baxter-Birney, and Vanilla Ice all in the same program.

  360. CrabbyGenes
    July 12th, 2007 at 10:00 pm [Reply]

    #109 gh. Yes, your thread terms are FANTASTIC! And to 192 Bootsy, 194 Divine O’F, and 207 gh—You people should know that I have deemed these comments of yours WORTHY OF PRINTING OUT, and that I will pass the paper on to SecretMargo when I meet him in Tokyo next week. This is stuff he shouldn’t miss!

    Actually, I know that he does have computer access while he is here, but I doubt that he has the time to read much of CC.

    By the way, my personal favorite is “embroidery thread,” since I am a seamstress and have done a lot of embroidery.

  361. Trotzenbonnie
    July 12th, 2007 at 10:01 pm [Reply]

    Cathy would be tolerable if you saw only her head and the speech balloons – well, without having to comprehend the actual words, just her nice printing. She must have failed the art class taught by the chick who draws ‘Love is…’

    #347- Red
    Gail Martin said to the band, “Vanilla Fudge?! Guys, more roughage, less dairy!”

    Sorry. That was crude. But sometimes I just gotta be me.

  362. Joel
    July 12th, 2007 at 10:02 pm [Reply]

    “I can’t wait to see interviews with David Bowie, Meredith Baxter-Birney, and Vanilla Ice all in the same program.”

    What range! I mean, I don’t think there’s anyone else who has slept with three pop-figures of such diverse cultural significance.

  363. commodorejohn
    July 12th, 2007 at 10:02 pm [Reply]

    #352 Crabby Genes – Very true. Gil Thorp is like the Dean Milan of comic strips – it’s not so good it’s bad. It transcends the notions of “good” and “bad.” It is its own absolutely and completely insane thing. It’s not in a category by itself – it defies even the idea of categories. And it’s wonderful.

  364. Red Greenback
    July 12th, 2007 at 10:10 pm [Reply]

    Trotz- It’s in ya…it’s gotta come out!

  365. reader-who-posts
    July 12th, 2007 at 10:11 pm [Reply]

    9CL: Worst. Amatuer. Porn. Ever.

    MT: One bird flies into a bitch’s eye and then they make us pay for a goddamn new airline.

    FW: Look, we all know she’s dying, but does that mean Lisa has to dress like Crankshaft? That is no way to live out the last few months of your life.

  366. Peaches
    July 12th, 2007 at 10:15 pm [Reply]

    MW: Obviously Doctor Drew gets around. His sporatic change of haircolor is a symptom of an STD that can only be contracted when one has sex with a chameleon (or certain types of frog). He really ought to write himself a perscription for that.

  367. AhClem
    July 12th, 2007 at 10:18 pm [Reply]

    #322 joel -
    “…There were a lot of great Gail Martin shows, but the best I ever saw was one of her more intimate acoustic appearances at the bucket. Just her and her banjo — she was dressed in a pointy bra, a giant hair-sprayed frizzy braid, a disco outfit, a 32? Flava-Flav clock dangling around her neck and some Doc Martins…”

    Ooh, does THAT bring back memories! She wore that same get-up when I saw her opening for the MC5 at the Grande Ballroom in Detroit in October 1970. Unfortunately, the audience was so stoned that after she hit that big, dramatic crescendo at the end of “My Uncle Went To Spain,” there was just a slow clap that never took off. She left the stage in tears. MC5 did a cover of “Tarzana Nights” as a tribute to her during their encore.

  368. Red Greenback
    July 12th, 2007 at 10:24 pm [Reply]

    Ah, Clem?…You okay Brogham?

  369. Nate Bush, Pirate PHD
    July 12th, 2007 at 10:33 pm [Reply]

    URRRHG! For the last time, GAIL DOESN”T HAVE THE RIGHTS TO TARZANA NIGHTS!

  370. queek
    July 12th, 2007 at 10:35 pm [Reply]

    228: Johny Q, anyone who references the wonder that was Modesty Blaise is a friend of mine.

    have a pint on me.

  371. Nate Bush, Pirate PHD
    July 12th, 2007 at 10:36 pm [Reply]

    Sorry I can’t respond to all your wonderful Gail comments, I would love to refute and clear up common misconceptions, but I am horribly busy with things, like sleeping and Puzzle pirates. Honestly, i just want people to realize that she can do no wrong.

  372. Trotzenbonnie
    July 12th, 2007 at 10:36 pm [Reply]

    #364 – Red
    My dad always says “Corn in, corn out.”

  373. CrabbyGenes
    July 12th, 2007 at 10:41 pm [Reply]

    to gh and other thread term lovers/creators:

    How about “thread-loop?” In sewing, it means a tiny, sturdy loop made out of thread for a button to be hooked into.

    On this site it would refer to encountering a long thread already in progress, and then jumping back and forth from the comment you are reading to the end of the thread (in order to post a reply to somebody), and then back to where you were in order to continue reading. Kind of like looping the loop. You do it when you want to start making comments before reading everything that’s already there.

    Example: “Sorry if someone has already commented on this. I am thread-looping right now.”

  374. Mibbitmaker
    July 12th, 2007 at 10:42 pm [Reply]

    Gail Martin could be quite the joiner. There were a few bands she was a part of besides the Isometric Lipstick Conspiracy and Dykes of Barbiturates. (The latter group was sadly, short-lived, since too many hateful non-fans showed up at shows yelling “Bar bitch!”, and Gail had enough. She’d wish some lout would demand a kiss back then.)

    Just in the late ’90s, she spend a year or so in the Ambient/trip-hop group Peasoup Pizza. She practically inspired U2 to return to rockin’ after the ’90s when she did the same. She never regretted her PP song, “Lewinsky Tango”, though.

    And don’t forget the 1-hit wonder with the Sparkkleball Stomp, her ill-advised “German disco Style” group in December of 1978. That was definately her disco period lowest ebb.

    Her presence in Deth Grab got her banned from SNL by Lorne Michaels. Compared to her behavior, Chevy Chase (that night’s host, since banned as well) came off good, and he almost killed Jon Lovitz!

    Her studio work with Billy and the Boingers was just a fluke, though.

  375. Nate Bush, Pirate PHD
    July 12th, 2007 at 10:43 pm [Reply]

    By the way, I am glad you all have come to recognize the importance of Gail in my community. She has been close to such supergaystars as Madonna, Cyndi Lauper, Gloria Gaynor, and of course, myself.

    You may scoff at such queens, and he disco phase, but remember, everyone struggles, and everyone has idenity crisises. Just remember, your’s weren’t put into a record to be replayed and replayed like hers. All those mistakes have gotten her to where she is now…. (ignore that fact she is now in GT)

  376. Joel
    July 12th, 2007 at 10:47 pm [Reply]

    “at the end of “My Uncle Went To Spain,” there was just a slow clap that never took off. She left the stage in tears. ”

    Yeah, she was not normally so sensitive to audience criticism, but around that time she had just learned of her own diagnosis with “the slow clap.” “Braid Fondler: The Unauthorized Gail Martin Story” suggests that she got it from Chochey from Happy Days.

  377. Nate Bush, Pirate PHD
    July 12th, 2007 at 10:51 pm [Reply]

    # 378

    You forgot her ever important Cello Rock venture with the song “Straight Up Lysol”, a reference to the way Barb Bush’s nether regions taste.

    And don’t forget, this paved the way for Margaret Cho’s comedy, and Melora Creager’s Cello Rock band Rasputina

  378. Joel
    July 12th, 2007 at 10:51 pm [Reply]

    “Her studio work with Billy and the Boingers was just a fluke, though.”

    You mean “U Stink But I’ll Braid You”?

  379. Nate Bush, Pirate PHD
    July 12th, 2007 at 10:52 pm [Reply]

    Hmm… THat post I just did was an anachronism, now wasn’t it.

  380. Nate Bush, Pirate PHD
    July 12th, 2007 at 10:55 pm [Reply]

    Braid Fondler is not nearly as acurate as they say. As a man who has dedicated his time to Gail, I find that book disgusting. It streches and bends the truth to make it seem real.

  381. Gail Martin
    July 12th, 2007 at 11:00 pm [Reply]

    My sweets. I have come. I will say, I am quite flattered to be so well known. Agreeing to be in Gill Thorpe was a huge stress, I thought that would have been selling out. The choice was a lot better than agreeing to be one of the six differences in Slylock Fox, but as the rock and roll Carole King I dread selling out.

  382. Red Greenback
    July 12th, 2007 at 11:01 pm [Reply]

    #377 Nate- Would that be Bar Bush, Jr.? Cause I’d bend her over over nine ways to Yellow Sunday and give her the tough love she needs! Melkardammit!!!

  383. Uncle Lumpy
    July 12th, 2007 at 11:02 pm [Reply]

    Red, shhhhh! You’ll embarrass the lady!

  384. Claudia LL
    July 12th, 2007 at 11:03 pm [Reply]

    Is ‘Drew Cory’ supposed to be an alliteration on the comedian’s name? Maybe because this guy is such a joke.

  385. Nate Bush, Pirate PHD
    July 12th, 2007 at 11:04 pm [Reply]

    # 382 UHG! Margo! No, is that all you think about?! It’s Barb Sr.

  386. Jamus The Bartender
    July 12th, 2007 at 11:06 pm [Reply]

    FOOB For Friday the 13th: You’re finally fucked, Pattersons. If Stibbs had pulled this shit on the Corleones, he’d be sleeping with the fishes the VERY NEXT DAY. Maybe he’ll just “Take A Nap With Farley” huh? Think of the kids in Iraq whose legs get blown off every day, that’ll make it better…

  387. Matt McIrvin
    July 12th, 2007 at 11:06 pm [Reply]

    In 2002 Gail Martin was working as an assistant human resources coordinator at eQUX (formerly Geryon Integration Technologies) in North Billerica, Mass. I visited her cube once to redo the withholding on my W-4. She had one of her LP covers pinned to the cube wall next to a bunch of Dilberts; some psychedelic thing, I think it was “Weevil Tournament”. I don’t follow music that closely, to be honest, and I had no idea who she was until I saw her name mentioned on a web site somewhere and Googled.

  388. Nate Bush, Pirate PHD
    July 12th, 2007 at 11:11 pm [Reply]

    GT for July 13th: Still with no braid in sight, the question remains if the girl is or isn’t Gail Martin!

  389. Joel
    July 12th, 2007 at 11:12 pm [Reply]

    Oh God, Gail? The Gail? Oh God, so many questions. Gee. Ok Ok. Really, Gail?

    I just have to know, was the name for Tarzana Nights focus grouped? And are you, um, um, related to Crystal Gail? Wait, last names not first, stupid, God, I’m so flustered. Think Joel, Think.

  390. One-Armed Bandit
    July 12th, 2007 at 11:13 pm [Reply]

    Well, sonofagun! FOOB is actually funny today! Of course, I’m laughing at the Pattersons’ misery, but it’s still the biggest laugh the strip has provided for quite some time.

  391. TurtleBoy
    July 12th, 2007 at 11:14 pm [Reply]

    Hey, anyone: so tonight, after all of this talk of Gail (especially her German stuff), I was looking through my old LPs and for the life of me I couldn’t find the experimental album that she cut with Kraftwerk. Anyone got that one on MP3? I’m dying to hear “Die grüne Banane” again. Thanks in advance!

  392. Gail Martin
    July 12th, 2007 at 11:14 pm [Reply]

    My dearest Joel, breath.

    The song was written in the 60s, no one could focus on anything. There was a group involved in the writing of it. I rather not go into things too indepth, but it was an underground lesbian meet up.

  393. Joel
    July 12th, 2007 at 11:18 pm [Reply]

    Really, wow. Cool. Really? Wow. Cool. Wow.

    Hey, sometimes people say your famous braid is really a rolled up wet towel that you use to snap the ultra-mellow expression off the face of your banjo-player. http://joshreads.com/?p=1153

    That’s not true is it Gail? Say it aint so.

  394. slinkimalinki
    July 12th, 2007 at 11:19 pm [Reply]

    now that we’ve seen the (dt)gt “kids” (or “humans”) outside “pub” and then dining at “cafe” i think we should accept that we were all wrong and “the bucket” is just that, a bucket.

    personally i gave up on gail martin after she claimed that her lesbianism was just a phase brought on by “exhaustion and confusion and bad advice from people i really thought i could trust”. i hear melissa etheridge refuses to play at concerts with her now, although of course you’d never hear her publicly admit it.

  395. Dean Booth
    July 12th, 2007 at 11:22 pm [Reply]

    #196 & 198, Lynngineering and O’F, here’s a Gail Martin tapestry for you.

  396. Ethan Frome
    July 12th, 2007 at 11:23 pm [Reply]

    Some more foobery from the webcomic “Least I Could Do:”

    http://leasticoulddo.com/

  397. Trotzenbonnie
    July 12th, 2007 at 11:26 pm [Reply]

    http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-srv/style/comics/king.htm?name

    Aren’t these two swooners closely related? I’m pretty sure they are and, if I’m right, I’m calling the cops because you don’t give a kid a quarter and tell her to get lost so you can be alone with your brother. This isn’t ‘Luann” for crying out loud.

    Wait a minute…they’re “upstate” – upstate New York! Never mind.

  398. Mibbitmaker
    July 12th, 2007 at 11:26 pm [Reply]

    FOOB: “Borked”?? Don’t tell me April’s a Reagan conservative! Now I like her less. FOOB in general: it continues being funny. Me thinks Stibbs is in some overseas country where Canadian law cannot reach him. You were taken, FOOBS!

    FW: Well, I DON’T! Curses upon you, Batty-ick, you boring ol’ hack.

    A3G: Who cares?! I want Margo and Ruby, dammit!

  399. Dean Booth
    July 12th, 2007 at 11:26 pm [Reply]

    Oh, I meant to mention that I see Gail Martin as Louise Lassiter.

  400. CrabbyGenes
    July 12th, 2007 at 11:27 pm [Reply]

    Friday Foob: YES!! Funny!! The first funny one in ages and ages!

    And I’m absolutely LOVING it that Elly and John are finally getting what’s coming to them! HA! Teach YOU to make selfish hasty decisions based on your model train hobby, John! And Elly, with your stupid materialistic, ignoring-your-own-daughter, “Wow, I get to buy EVERYTHING NEW.”

    YES!! YES!! YES!!

  401. Joel
    July 12th, 2007 at 11:28 pm [Reply]

    That tapestry really brings out the Edgar Winters effect that 40 years of snorting everything in sight have had on her hands. Its ok, Gail, I’ll love you no matter how pale and claw-like those hands become. Just, please, no more forays into acting. Your roles in the Buck Rodgers sequels just weren’t flattering.

  402. AAckTTpth
    July 12th, 2007 at 11:30 pm [Reply]

    ‘Tis but one word to describe the pleasure I’m taking in the current FOOB story line:

    Schadenfreude.

    Or, as the great Simpsonian philosopher Nelson Muntz so eloquently stated:

    Haa Haa!

  403. Uncle Lumpy
    July 12th, 2007 at 11:33 pm [Reply]

    #401 Joel –

    I loved her in Zelig, though!

  404. Joel
    July 12th, 2007 at 11:35 pm [Reply]

    #403
    That was different. It was autobiographical.

  405. Uncle Lumpy
    July 12th, 2007 at 11:36 pm [Reply]

    #404 Joel –

    Hee, hee!

  406. Dean Booth
    July 12th, 2007 at 11:38 pm [Reply]

    TDIET: My first guess was a cleft palate.

  407. CrabbyGenes
    July 12th, 2007 at 11:41 pm [Reply]

    STONE SOUP: (Not often commented on here, I realize.) Now that the pregnancy and birth are over (FINALLY! I didn’t like many of those strips), I’m kind of digging the kids’ reactions when they first hold the new baby–the silly grins, the wonderful feeling. Yep, babies do that to a person.

  408. Joe Bftsplk
    July 12th, 2007 at 11:41 pm [Reply]

    Gil - The Faceless Boor in the third panel is responding to the “Hey! Get away from her!” in the second panel, so he has to be talking to Charlton Heston there or whoever it is, and not the female person in the background. The man’s not too stuck up, buddy; he’s just too heterosexual. Don’t take it personally.

    I also thought at first that Kelly was wearing the most humungenormous corsage I’d ever seen, but I decided that it had to be a vase of flowers on the table in front of her. It’s odd that the artist wouldn’t see this effect, and move the vase a bit to our right (which would have worked fine compositionally), to make the situation a little clearer.

  409. Brown-eyed Girl
    July 12th, 2007 at 11:43 pm [Reply]

    383. CrabbyGenes. I’m thread-looping right now to say I like your idea. It’s a pithy way of saying “Sorry if 75 people have already said this but if I tried to read all the comments before I post Josh will have started two new threads in the meantime and then where will I be.”

  410. Brown-eyed Girl
    July 12th, 2007 at 11:44 pm [Reply]

    I meant 373, not 383. Sorry.

  411. Brown-eyed Girl
    July 12th, 2007 at 11:50 pm [Reply]

    395 Dean Booth Oooh! Aaaaaaaah!

  412. Christopher
    July 12th, 2007 at 11:51 pm [Reply]

    If anybody is still interested, in the states, the term “eskimo” is (or has been until very recently), an acceptable term, in that it encompasses not just the Inuit, but the Siberian Yupik or Yuit peoples as well (Many of whom, despite the name, live in Alaska).

    It’s had currency here because it is often useful to talk about both groups as a single unit, since they share many similarities, but it seems weird to refer to non Inuits as Inuits.

    There seems also to be some dispute as to whether the term “eskimo” actually comes from the Ojibwe term that means “eater of raw meat” and many people apparently think that it comes from a Montagnais word meaning “snowshoe netter”.

  413. bats :[
    July 12th, 2007 at 11:52 pm [Reply]

    396. I love “Least I Can Do”, although apparently Rayne overshot his attempt at finding a new strip in which he wouldn’t age. (With his good looks, though, FOOB is a far better choice than ending up with a Hindenburg-head in FC.)

    Bets that Rayne was responsible for getting April pregnant.
    And for sexually harassing Lizardbreath.
    And burning down Michael’s house.

  414. Stranger…
    July 13th, 2007 at 12:15 am [Reply]

    #30 Other_Sally – Wow, that Dr. Cory is one smooth operator. If someone ever pulled a line that lame on me, my answer would be, “I suppose you could begin with yardwork, for starters.”

    Great reply, since it sets up: “Sure thing babe, your bush need trimming?” (Did I just type that out loud?)

  415. Skulking on the Outskirts
    July 13th, 2007 at 12:17 am [Reply]

    Wow–Gail Martin. I had no idea, really, that she’d been around so much. My mom picked up a couple of cassettes of her work as Xmas stocking stuffers for me one year, and quickly came to regret it, as I played the durned things incessantly until I wore them out. Later, I picked up a couple of others on my own, but she was still in that same phase of folk/rock/bluegrass/weirdness blend that Fleetwood Mac would later flat out steal. All I know is that when she guest starred on that mid-80′s album of Weird Al Yankovich, I could never quite get into her stuff the same way again. Something about the parodies of Judy Collins–I don’t know, they were just so mean-spirited, or something. Plus she wasn’t sounding so good, right then. Wasn’t that around the time she was diagnosed with shingles? I think that would explain the strange lumpy distorted look of her face on the album cover. Weird Al was the prettier of the two, right then.

    Anyway, I’m glad she’s feeling and doing better, but I think I’ve outgrown her work. And oddly enough, ‘Tarzana Nights’ was always my least favorite of all her songs.

    Boy, I hope I’m not hanging on a thread, here.

  416. Sango
    July 13th, 2007 at 12:19 am [Reply]

    Drew Carey is probably so enraged with the delivery man because of the massive black spot on his pizza. On another note, I wonder when Drew Carey purchased the two ravenously hungry blonde children to claw at his legs and ornament his lawn like wild dogs?

  417. Joel
    July 13th, 2007 at 12:20 am [Reply]

    “I know is that when she guest starred on that mid-80’s album of Weird Al Yankovich, I could never quite get into her stuff the same way again. Something about the parodies of Judy Collins–I don’t know, they were just so mean-spirited, or something.”

    Yeah, I hate mean-spirited parody.

  418. Skulking on the Outskirts
    July 13th, 2007 at 12:32 am [Reply]

    Aww, you know what I mean, Joel. There’s teasing or poking fun at the work and then there’s vicious mockery at the artist. If they just wanted to riff on Judy’s songs, no big deal, but they were actually sniping at Judy–her weight gain, etc. It wasn’t really funny. Well, not to me, anyway. And Gail wasn’t in a position to be throwing rocks at anybody for their weight problems back then, if you know what I mean.

  419. Cornwhacker
    July 13th, 2007 at 12:32 am [Reply]

    I’m lovin’ the Gail Martin stories, and summer Gil Thorp in general. I’m back to reading it daily for the first time since the Ben Franklin golf story.

    Friday RMMD: There was no lorry, Hugh. That wine was pedestrian!

  420. Cap\'nCheetah
    July 13th, 2007 at 12:36 am [Reply]

    I don’t think I’ve seen anyone mention this yet, but the webcomic Least I Could Do by Ryan Sohmer and Lar DeSouza features FOOB today.

    Check it out here: leasticoulddo.com

    One of the main characters is trying to find a new strip to call home because his creators have just announced that characters in the strip will no longer be suspended in time. I suspect that he will explore other strips as well – let’s hope one of them is Mary Worth or Mark Trail!

  421. Cap\'nCheetah
    July 13th, 2007 at 12:40 am [Reply]

    Well, darn, I thought I did that right. Let’s try again:
    http://www.leasticoulddo.com

  422. Trotzenbonnie
    July 13th, 2007 at 12:41 am [Reply]

    FBOFW – Hey! What the hell is a “squeek”. Is that some Canadian spelling for the sound a loose board makes? Shouldn’t it be “squeeque” then?

    Sigh. I’m sure no one will read this and a thousand other people will get snaps for making the same observation around 6 or 7 hours from now….then I’ll have to change my name to Miss Pissy Hissyfit and spend the rest of the day sulking in a corner. Wah.

  423. Uncle Lumpy
    July 13th, 2007 at 12:42 am [Reply]

    #415 Skulking, #417 Joel –

    Something about the parodies of Judy Collins–I don’t know, they were just so mean-spirited

    “Balding chicks and men in pearls,
    “You just can’t tell the boys from girls –
    “With arms and legs in disarray
    “Just how could things evolve that way?”

    “I’ve looked at Kaz from both sides now,
    “His flaming hair, his shapeless brow
    “The one conclusion I can draw:
    Gil Thorp transgresses Darwin’s Law.”

  424. Joel
    July 13th, 2007 at 12:44 am [Reply]

    Lump-tastic!

  425. Mibbitmaker
    July 13th, 2007 at 12:46 am [Reply]

    Yeah, the Weird Al experience had alot to do with her outburst on the Martin/Spinal Tap/Rutles bootleg. The final straw, if you will.

    Um… while we have you here, Ms. Martin, I’ve been dying to ask this since the ’70s: On “Junior’s Farm”, the line “We were talking ’bout the president, we all chipped in for a bag of cement”? Was that a sly reference to Watergate, as in keeping Ford in office unlike Nixon, or Nixon, himself, being bound in cement as punishment for his crimes? It was 1974, and….

    Wait…… that was Paul McCartney & Wings, wasn’t it?

    Nevermind.

  426. Dingo
    July 13th, 2007 at 12:47 am [Reply]

    It was late. The concert had ended on time but tonight there was a crowd outside of the stage door waiting for autographs. Gail’s assistant helped her by holding a leather folder beneath the pamphlets, album covers, and concert posters so that her Parkinsons-riddled scribblings didn’t show. All had gone well. The audience thought the shaking was simply the emotive outpouring of a rock-and-roll Carole King when in truth Gail’s days were spent shaking viciously like either Katherine Hepburn walking with a cake or Nicole Ritchie being gangraped on a BowFlex in prison. The crowd dwindled to a few aging fans who felt the need to be photographed with the former ne’er-do-well of Poughkeepsie in poses reminiscent of their wilder youth. The banjo player was already asleep in the Prius. As Gail and her assistant, Taffy, walked toward the car, she smelled the aroma of chocolate in the air.

    “Where’s that coming from?” she asked.

    “It’s Blommers,” said Taffy. “They’re on the near west side. Fills all of downtown with the smell of chocolate. Believe it or not, someone moved into a condo near there and asked the city to close them down. Close them down after sixty years. The new woman on the block doesn’t like chocolate.”

    “Then she ain’t no woman. She’s a drag queen. Now I’m hungry. Taffy, let’s find a place for some chocolate. Or coffee.”

    They walked out of the alley and saw the Central City Cafe down the block. It was late at night yet open, like a young whore’s legs.

    “I need a jolt of espresso,” Gail said. “My attic is full of squirrels. How many times did that guy yell out for Tarzana Nights? And who was that woman in the front row wearing a shirt that read ‘I know where Mom keeps the good scissors’? What the hell does that mean?”

    Insert quarter for next three paragraphs

  427. Joel
    July 13th, 2007 at 12:48 am [Reply]

    Mibbit, she was one of Wings’ founding members. Of course, its not something she likes to talk about. I mean, who would?

  428. madCAPS
    July 13th, 2007 at 12:51 am [Reply]

    Friggin’ FOOBS (friday) Grossest FOOBS evah!
    Panel three: John with his shirt unbuttoned and showing off his woman-like hairless chest.
    *SHUDDER*

  429. Joel
    July 13th, 2007 at 12:55 am [Reply]

  430. Kronkina
    July 13th, 2007 at 12:59 am [Reply]

    FOOB Yeah, it might be funny that John & Elly are getting what’s coming to them, but its pathetic that John has to have his 16-year-old daughter explain the house problems to him while his wife is the one out taking care of said problems.

    Honestly, is this really Lynn’s ideal husband/man?

  431. Trotzenbonnie
    July 13th, 2007 at 12:59 am [Reply]

    Dingo –
    Here’s two bits. (And I won’t even ask where to insert)

    Gail opened for the Police at Sal’s Last Chance Saloon in Poughkeepsie. Gordon had Stew’s drumstick shoved up his butt and Gail said “Is that your stinger?” The rest, they say, is herstory….

  432. Mibbitmaker
    July 13th, 2007 at 1:05 am [Reply]

    Fri Th’ 13:

    MW: Thought balloon tease!! (or am I confusing her with the other one? It’s just so tedious in there!)

    MT: Hey, bird in the middle — yeah, you — rip the lungs out of the commissioner there, willya? Enough with the “what” crap, okay?? And can Sam tip him off enough or anything?

    RMMD: That’s called Pedestrian Hangover*, Hugh. May God help your very soul!

    *(which just so happens to be a 1973 Gail Martin song. Nice bluesy number)

  433. Shave Ezra
    July 13th, 2007 at 1:06 am [Reply]

    I think the problem with FW is that it doesn’t belong in the “comics”. Maybe they should have a separate page called the “tragics”. It would fit right in…

  434. Prouster
    July 13th, 2007 at 1:06 am [Reply]

    Bob Kazinski looks like what would happen if Bea Arthur had as much plastic surgery as Michael Jackson and got a crewcut.

  435. Trilobite
    July 13th, 2007 at 1:07 am [Reply]

    #423 Uncle Lumpy — That was glorious!

  436. Kronkina
    July 13th, 2007 at 1:09 am [Reply]

    MT STUPIDEST.INVESTIGATION.EVER.

    MW STUPIDEST.CONVERSATION.EVER.

    FOOB STUPIDEST.FATHER/HUSBAND.EVER.

    RMMD STUPIDEST.STORYLINE.EVER.

  437. Skulking on the Outskirts
    July 13th, 2007 at 1:14 am [Reply]

    423, U.L.– Now that’s what I call proper parody, Uncle L!

    And Ms. Pissy Hissyfits–hey, I’m here, and I thought it was funny. And I’ll still think it’s funny tomorrow, too. Don’t sulk, Trotz honey, your face will freeze that way, and next thing you know, you’ll be onstage with Gail singing backup with a look of painful constipation on your phiz.

  438. Skulking on the Outskirts
    July 13th, 2007 at 1:18 am [Reply]

    Wow…what are all you folks doing up at this hour anyway? It’s usually so quiet when I get here. Not that I’m complaining, mind you, it’s nice to have company for a change.
    And since there’s more people around to hear/read this:

    WHERE THE HELL IS CHENNUX, MELKARDAMMIT?!!

  439. Red Greenback
    July 13th, 2007 at 1:18 am [Reply]

    Taffy! Thanks Dingo!

  440. Skulking on the Outskirts
    July 13th, 2007 at 1:22 am [Reply]

    Taffy?? Where? Where’s the taffy? I want taffy!

  441. Skulking on the Outskirts
    July 13th, 2007 at 1:28 am [Reply]

    And CHENNUX, too. I want taffy and I want my big green reptiloid Emperor. And I want ‘em NOW.

    Actually, I think I’d really like about ten hours of uninterrupted sleep. I’m getting punchy here. Time to get off the intertubes and get to work. G’night, all.

  442. I Pity The Foob
    July 13th, 2007 at 1:35 am [Reply]

    G’night Skulking. G’night Chennux.

  443. Cap'nCheetah
    July 13th, 2007 at 1:39 am [Reply]

    G’ night Chief! G’ night McCloud!

  444. Cap\'nCheetah
    July 13th, 2007 at 1:40 am [Reply]

    MacLeod, that is.

  445. CrabbyGenes
    July 13th, 2007 at 1:42 am [Reply]

    #409 Brown-Eyed Girl. Exactly!

  446. Joel
    July 13th, 2007 at 1:43 am [Reply]

    G’Night John Boy

  447. I Pity The Foob
    July 13th, 2007 at 1:44 am [Reply]

    G’night Mary Ellen.

  448. Red Greenback
    July 13th, 2007 at 1:52 am [Reply]

    G’night Mrs Calabash.

  449. CrabbyGenes
    July 13th, 2007 at 1:56 am [Reply]

    #430 # Kronkina says:

    “FOOB Yeah, it might be funny that John & Elly are getting what’s coming to them, but its pathetic that John has to have his 16-year-old daughter explain the house problems to him while his wife is the one out taking care of said problems.

    Honestly, is this really Lynn’s ideal husband/man?”

    Yep, I agree completely. Unfortunately, I don’t find the situation all that unrealistic. I’ve had a running argument with my husband for the past month now, about two things in our house that I KNOW need fixing (though not desperately), both of which he keeps ignoring. (one of the air conditioners and one of the toilets).

    Some guys just need to be bopped on the head before they’ll get something fixed. I’m not surprised that Elly just takes care of things herself. Probably it’s less trouble to do that than to try to drag hubby away from his trains.

  450. Mibbitmaker
    July 13th, 2007 at 1:56 am [Reply]

    Good night nurse!!

    Meanwhile, in the comics section…

    (DT)GT: What is Lou Reed so pissed off about? Did he and Gail have a rocky relationship or something? Come to think of it, there was a tabloid piece from about 1981 or so…

    Mutts: Mooch had a sister who lip-synched on SNL a couple of years ago.

    Andy Capp: You’re all talk, mate; Bluto Blutarsky actually did something about it!

    Curtis: Back to the same-old same-old same-old same-old same-old same-old…..

  451. Cap'nCheetah
    July 13th, 2007 at 1:59 am [Reply]

    G’night Rosie.

  452. Uncle Lumpy
    July 13th, 2007 at 1:59 am [Reply]

    G’night old lady whispering “hush”

  453. Mibbitmaker
    July 13th, 2007 at 2:01 am [Reply]

    … same-old same-old same-old same-old same-old same-old same-old same-old same-old same-old same-old same-old…..

    Good night, sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite!

  454. Mibbitmaker
    July 13th, 2007 at 2:10 am [Reply]

    GOO-OOD A’NIIIIGHT a’ DING, DING, DING, DING!

    1! 2! 3! 4!

    (I trust you guys’ll get the reference.)

  455. I Pity The Foob
    July 13th, 2007 at 2:12 am [Reply]

    G’ night Sweet Prince.

  456. Uncle Lumpy
    July 13th, 2007 at 2:15 am [Reply]

  457. dreadedcandiru2
    July 13th, 2007 at 2:22 am [Reply]

    FOOB : AHHHHH!!! The sweet, sweet sound of Patterson pwnage. That’s what the jerk gets for not getting the place inspected! When you’re doing business in Big Boy Town, NEVER take the other guy’s word on anything. Stibbs didn’t have that place appraised at al but he knew enough about ChooChoo Johnny to know he’d believe him if he said he had.

  458. I Pity The Foob
    July 13th, 2007 at 2:24 am [Reply]

    G’night Caveat Emptor.

  459. Uncle Lumpy
    July 13th, 2007 at 2:37 am [Reply]

    Hey, 9CL is on its game today: graphically inventive, not too texty, hot.

    Nice!

  460. Jack Parsons
    July 13th, 2007 at 3:01 am [Reply]

    I have sad news: Gail Martin passed away tonight in a freak accident. She did a stage dive and strangled on her braid.

  461. Uncle Lumpy
    July 13th, 2007 at 3:09 am [Reply]

    Farewell, Gail. She died as she lived.

  462. Jack Parsons
    July 13th, 2007 at 3:18 am [Reply]

    JP: The Patrick Nagel rendering of June is unfortunate, because although it is hot… it is Patrick Nagel.

    But at least it’s not Leroy Neiman.

    (80′s lady-face crap)

  463. Dr. Laura
    July 13th, 2007 at 3:34 am [Reply]

    Josh:

    I would love to see a Gail Martin photo contest.

    If someone else has already proposed this, I’m sorry–didn’t have the time to wade through the hundreds of posts. Clearly there is great enthusiasm for the artist and her illustrious career!

    Howza bout it?

  464. Marion Delgado
    July 13th, 2007 at 3:36 am [Reply]

    Actually, only Inuit are Eskimos – two main language groups are Yupik (which I learned some of) and Inupiat.

    Athabascans, Tlingit, etc. are Indians, aka Native Americans. Aleut are just Aleut.

    I am from Fairbanks which (like a lot of the Interior) is basically athabascan. I am told by an athabascan woman I know that before it was Pike’s Landing or Fairbanks it was called T’roth Yidoth – the hill where red potatos grow. Since I’ve indeed grown potatos and lived up in the hills, that make sense.

    Eskimos do eat a lot of fish and marine animals and also in the north caribou and they also eat whales when they can get them. They also used to trade across the Arctic Circle with Europe.

    Even by the time the documentary Nanook (it means polar bear) of the North was made (in montreal in the 20s) Eskimos in most places (maybe not siberian yupik, not all of the canadian inupiat, not all of the greenland inupiat) were at least famiiar with most north american food.

  465. AppleGirl
    July 13th, 2007 at 4:26 am [Reply]

    460 – Just an internet rumor. Gail Martin is alive and well.

    433 – Shave Ezra, if that isn’t COTW, it’s COTY (Comment of the YEAR.) Well said, and so true.

    Pluggers – A Plugger’s iPod. Ew. “I don’t need no fancy gadget. Yep, I gets me an earworm, I whistle that same song loud-n-proud all over the neighborhood for days and days, and that’s all the music I needs.”

    426 – Dingo – More Gail Martin story! PUL-EEEEZE?!?

  466. AppleGirl
    July 13th, 2007 at 4:31 am [Reply]

    The “Plugger’s iPod” is the only one that will work with Windows ME.

  467. The Avocado Avenger
    July 13th, 2007 at 4:33 am [Reply]

    FW – I wonder what’s going to happen to Lisa? I’ll be in suspense for weeks, I just know it.

    FOOB – They’re already moved in, I guess. Another patented LJ time-skip.

    RMMD – Hugh said “lorry”, which means he’s “British”.

  468. Little Guy
    July 13th, 2007 at 5:56 am [Reply]

    461: That explains the CNN Larry King/Anderson Cooper All-Night Tribute last night.

    FOOB: John, stopbeing a picky face. You’ll run into one of your friends who had experiences living homeless in a war zone with an abusive family who walked up snow-covered hills –BOTH WAYS!

  469. stinky pete
    July 13th, 2007 at 6:45 am [Reply]

    Uh oh, Friday the 13th comes on a Friday this month. What would Churchy LaFemme do?

    Gli Thrpo: Don’t come back till the Lions win the Super Bowl! Lifelong Bears fan says YES! HA!

    DtM: Don’t go there, people! I beg you! Move it along! Nothing to see here! Besides, monthly quota of incest jokes was used up on Daddy & Dolly.

    GF: Bucky is at the top of his game. “Weekend monkey kisser” is my new favorite insult.

    MT: What is it with this emphasizing of the word what?

    Big Dog: Sorry, Charles Schulz did it better.

  470. goaty
    July 13th, 2007 at 6:45 am [Reply]

    #464 is begging to write their own Lynn Johnston educational comic strip…..

  471. AtomicDog
    July 13th, 2007 at 7:10 am [Reply]

    Marmaduke – Hey, Brad…Sparky called. He wants his gag back.

  472. Squawk
    July 13th, 2007 at 7:15 am [Reply]

    FOOB, 1st panel: AAAHHHH, there’s a giant spider on April’s head!

    Oh wait, that’s her hair.

  473. Anonymous
    July 13th, 2007 at 7:40 am [Reply]

    Jamus the bartended (#48). Reid Fleming rules!

  474. Little A.
    July 13th, 2007 at 7:56 am [Reply]

    GT: No wonder they chose this restaurant. There are miniature basketball hoops withs nets on the walls (see that one in the back of the first panel?)

  475. Trotzenbonnie
    July 13th, 2007 at 7:57 am [Reply]

    MW – Dammit, Dawn, get over yourself. Put down that steno pad, undo your ponytail and have a little fun. If you can’t do that then get into a clinic that treats manorexia before it’s too late!

  476. Dennis Jimenez
    July 13th, 2007 at 8:04 am [Reply]

    DtM – We know the line comes from Dennis and not Henry, cuz – well, we just do.

    MT – Perhaps if you’d just run your fingers through my briefs, Sam, then you’d know I’m being straight with you.

    MW – Vera – Sorry, gotta fluff my boss on the weekend, too, doc – I’m aspiring to Stenographer II. But I’m sure you and your hair will be very happy together.

    RMMD – Is this the way to the bathrobe party?

    Archie – Jug backdoors Arch (you know what to do with the banana) – the ALGC3000 (or whatever) is getting so close.

    JP – Oh, I’m so surprised – Rusty Duncan is a fiery red head who got her nick name “dunkin” from her tea bagging specialty in the porn industry when she worked her way through law school. Harold LeDoux, Woody Wilson and Eduardo Barreto, for three people, you are awfully predictable.

    FC – It’s a little hazy out and Friday the 13th to boot – better take the purple acid.

  477. True Fable
    July 13th, 2007 at 8:10 am [Reply]

    MT At Sam’s mere mention of his evil plot, the Commissioner’s coat sudden/y began to darken. The Depends just weren’t going to work for him after all.
    MW Dr. Drew got shot down! Primarily because that nuclear-strength hair gel he uses is making him start to glow in panel two.
    Phantom I love this. The bullets make no mark whatsoever in the sail, but one is all it takes to chop the maidenhead off the prow of the ship. (I think that’s the names, I don’t know. We don’t get many African/Viking ships in Greater Roopville.)
    RMMD The part of Hugh Avery will be played today by Bea Arthur.
    (DT)GT People who draw Gil Thorp should not diss the Detroit Lions. That’s glass houses territory, man.
    GA I hope the next story arc will chronicle how Slim came to be Bubba Lifer’s bitch.
    FBoFW Serves you right for buying and signing and moving in without consulting an attorney, a house inspector, or a realtor. You would have known about all that in the disclosures section of the contract, if you’d had that to consult instead of your hard-on for trains, John.
    Whatcha gonna do now? Move back in with Mike and make HIM live in the basement?
    JP I wonder what kind of kinky activity Mr. Caesar does in his upstairs room that would require a hardhat at all times? Hmm. No worries, Sam. He’s sending a canine and a Rusty Trombone out to see you. I mean a Rusty Nail. Well, whatever it is, I imagine a Rusty Duncan has just as much alcohol as the other two.

  478. Nate Bush, Pirate PHD
    July 13th, 2007 at 8:16 am [Reply]

    Gail was not killed by her own, marvelous braid (and certainly, it’s not a towel, I have held it in my hands. It is the most wonderful thing in the world.

    Instead, she was sentenced to life in paraguay for strangling someone with her braid. It was in self defence because the guy was trying to get her pants off of her.

    She wrote a song about it, which she has yet to release on an album, but the lyrics were leaked to the internet. I cannot find them, if someone does, please post them.

  479. elyse
    July 13th, 2007 at 8:18 am [Reply]

    i need to point out right now, and i will probably do it again later because it made me want to cry, that the FOOBess spelled “squeak” wrong in her comic today.

  480. Nate Bush, Pirate PHD
    July 13th, 2007 at 8:19 am [Reply]

    By the way, she has safely fled the country.

  481. The Divine O’F
    July 13th, 2007 at 8:24 am [Reply]

    Credit Where Credit is Due, Hanging by a Thread Edition

    338 Skankmonkey and 341 Trotz: BWAHAHA! I think I’m awake now.

    349 Dean Booth: Very funny! Original with you? I’m going to use this one.

    360 Crabby Genes: Thanks. And I like thread-looping, since I do it often. And just what is Secret Margo doing in Japan, anyway? Or is that a state secret? I’ll never forget the two weeks I spent in a mental institution in Tokyo… (I really did.)

    395 Dean Booth: Rolling on the floor here. I love the way you have captured the quintessential Thorpian alien-ness. (No offense, Gail, but you DID agree to appear in GT).

    426 Dingo: BWAHAHAHA. I especially appreciated the Katharine Hepburn reference.

  482. True Fable
    July 13th, 2007 at 8:26 am [Reply]

    Lynnie,

    For the last time, I will not agree to bork you. And your cutsey little pet name for it, “sump pump” is just wrong.

    Baby, desperation is so sad to observe. Go away now, I need to claw my eyes clear again. And you are a bad speller, even for a Canadian foob.

    TF

  483. Gail Martin
    July 13th, 2007 at 8:28 am [Reply]

    The Divine O’F

    I do not take offence anymore. It took me to some very dark places, like recording that Weird Al album. I am sorry my fans, please don’t hold it against me.

  484. Perky Bird
    July 13th, 2007 at 8:31 am [Reply]

    I must be younger than most of y’all, because my first memory of Gail Martin was her appearance on “Sesame Street” back in the mid-70′s, singing a poignant tribute to the letter “Q”. I don’t remember much, except that she strangely had both an Afro and that long braid. That creeped me out as a child. Since then, I’ve never been able to look at a capital Q without a shiver of horror.

  485. Nate Bush, Pirate PHD
    July 13th, 2007 at 8:32 am [Reply]

    Anyone ever wonder if josh thinks we are all a bunch of cracked out losers?

  486. Nate Bush, Pirate PHD
    July 13th, 2007 at 8:35 am [Reply]

    # 484 (P-Bird) – Actually, she invented the capital Q. It was a tribute to HER, because it symbolized her braid trailing off ther left side (our right side when looking at her). She went on Sesame Street as part of a publicity run for her new letter. I knew her talent was wasted on the audience.

  487. Uncle Lumpy
    July 13th, 2007 at 8:38 am [Reply]

    #486 Nate R. –

    Well, that explains why she has so few fans in Ireland, Turkey, Italy, Japan, and the Philippines!

  488. cheech wizard
    July 13th, 2007 at 8:40 am [Reply]

    305 – Uncle Lumpy: “Cattleya”??? I guess I don’t get it.

  489. Perky Bird
    July 13th, 2007 at 8:41 am [Reply]

    #486 Nate-
    Thanks for the explanation! I always wondered why she sang about Q, when “T is for Tarzana Nights” would have been the obvious choice.

  490. Nate Bush, Pirate PHD
    July 13th, 2007 at 8:42 am [Reply]

    #487 (Lumptastic) She has alot of fans in the Phillippines. She is more popular than madonna over there.

  491. Nate Bush, Pirate PHD
    July 13th, 2007 at 8:43 am [Reply]

    Anything to help Gail fans. I cannot believe she has graced this message board!

  492. Uncle Lumpy
    July 13th, 2007 at 8:46 am [Reply]

    #488 cheech –

    Proust reference — bit of a reach.

    In Swann’s Way, Odette seduces Swann with a spray of cattleya orchids in her décolletage, and they use the flower’s name as a euphemism for, y’know, doing it.

  493. Uncle Lumpy
    July 13th, 2007 at 8:49 am [Reply]

    #492 me –

    At least I assume that’s what Kelly’s trying to do with that fistful of dandelions down her dress in panel 2 of Gil Thorp.

    I could be wrong.

  494. Katherine
    July 13th, 2007 at 8:51 am [Reply]

    Today’s Beetle Bailey:
    http://www.chron.com/apps/comics/showComick.mpl?date=20070713&name=Beetle_Bailey

    “I’ll have what he’s having.”
    And apparently, that’s LSD.

    Can we really have this kind of filth on the comics page? I’m going to write an incoherent letter to the editor!

  495. Nate Bush, Pirate PHD
    July 13th, 2007 at 8:53 am [Reply]

    In Rasputina’s song “Our Lies”, Melora sings

    “I went for a ride on a carousel. I was on a yellow horse.
    Right behind the swan.
    In the swan, a man and woman – they were doin’ it.
    I didn’t want to look. I wished I’d brought a book.
    I looked down at the chip in my horse’s red mane.
    He had a high, soft beautiful voice.
    I got down and ran around, and then I asked him his name.
    He said out loud. He said it was First Choice.”

    There are rumors melora was singing about a situation where Melora was riding the horse, and Gail was in the swan behind her. Gail was “doing it” with Melora’s imaginary friend. Your post, Lumpy, reminded me of it.

  496. Calico
    July 13th, 2007 at 8:54 am [Reply]

    Can I kill this thread? Oh pleeassse?
    I’ve come close, but I think I have dragon breath this AM, so maybe that will work. ; )

    JP – Rusty Duncan – crazy comix name switchin’!
    What will they think of next – lumpy mattress?

    MW – does Vera think this is 1890? Why is she so scared to date in public – with a doctor?
    Maybe she asked around and found out Drew is indeed a playah.

  497. Nate Bush, Pirate PHD
    July 13th, 2007 at 8:55 am [Reply]

    #494 (My Kathy) – It is actually an absynth martini. Also known as a Gail Martini, beause she loved Absynth.

  498. cheech wizard
    July 13th, 2007 at 8:56 am [Reply]

    493 – Ah, now I get it. My knowledge of Proust is pretty much limited to disturbing dreams and large insects. As an English major, I either managed to avoid the rest or assigned them to the traumatic-memories-to-be-suppressed- bin.

  499. Calico
    July 13th, 2007 at 8:57 am [Reply]

    #494 – No sh*t!
    I didn’t know they served “special” drinks at the 19th hole. Jesus.
    I just hope Sam Hill doesn’t show up at the bar with those Mescaline Eyes.

  500. The Divine O’F
    July 13th, 2007 at 9:00 am [Reply]

    483 Gail: Thank you for getting back to me! As a longtime fan, I am so honored. Also thanks for not taking offense.

  501. Gail Martin
    July 13th, 2007 at 9:03 am [Reply]

    Nate Bush, it is spelled Absinth or Absinthe

  502. stinky pete
    July 13th, 2007 at 9:13 am [Reply]

    I would just like to point out that my comment at 469 was “held for moderation.” My comments cannot be moderated – they are all EXTRE-E-E-E-E-E-E-MMMME. I am thinking of calling them “X-Comments”.

  503. gh
    July 13th, 2007 at 9:15 am [Reply]

    #373 CrabbyGenes –

    I say “thread-loop” is a keeper. I do it all the time. In fact, I thought I’d be doing it now, but we’re still on this one. Time for The Divine O’F to come in for a heightened thread alert. And I tell you what, I’ll go to the bookstore with you, and when you get to the front with all the copies I’ll release a swarm of ducks and while the staff is distracted, you run out the front. They’ll never know what hit them.

  504. The Divine O’F
    July 13th, 2007 at 9:16 am [Reply]

    A3G Meanwhile upstate?? Where does Nora Mills live, Poughkeepsie?

    JP: Mr. Caesar’s nose is seriously frightening. I suspect that due to its size it’s a multi-purpose organ, used not only for breathing and sneezing, but also for storing secret documents and the occasional snack.

    MW: Can somebody explain this to me? How does turning down a date prove that your recent promotion has been merited? Was the promotion perhaps contingent on Vera’s giving up her social life? Do they have monitors in her apartment? Perhaps she wears an electronic ankle bracelet? Also, why does she want to prove the promotion was merited? Just take the money and run, Vera.

    RMMD: I know that some of you are amused by the Hugh story. I am not. I am seriously bored by it. Let’s get back to Rex and Niki and some good, wholesome pederasty.

  505. Dingo
    July 13th, 2007 at 9:16 am [Reply]

    What to do after a Gail Martin concert!

    I read this today and didn’t know whether to laugh or hug myself in a fuzzy sweater. They must have been out of lupins.

  506. stinky pete
    July 13th, 2007 at 9:18 am [Reply]

    503 gh; given Josh’s propensity for early morning posts lately, I’d say the thread alert has to be at least orange, and very likely red.

  507. The Divine O’F
    July 13th, 2007 at 9:18 am [Reply]

    …and gh, I’ve been here for a while this morning and it hasn’t helped. I think this is a knotted thread.

  508. rich
    July 13th, 2007 at 9:19 am [Reply]

    FBOW: Here’s an earlier example of “borked”: Jan. 2, 2006.

    MW: Non-sequitor of the day. “I want to show that my recent promotion is merited” fails the Turing Test. Is that a human on the other end of the line?

    And poor Drew went to all the trouble of dyeing his hair…does he use Selsun Blue?

  509. mere cog in the machine
    July 13th, 2007 at 9:19 am [Reply]

    492: I’ll just add that to my “Remembrance of Things Lumpy” file.

  510. Josh
    July 13th, 2007 at 9:20 am [Reply]

    Sorry everybody, but this thread will be stumbling on into the late afternoon. Was too tired at 1 am this morning to post and now have some dealines to meet before I can return to my true love of comics-mocking.

    On the bright side, though, I am lovin’ the Tales of Gail.

    Josh

  511. Nate Bush, Pirate PHD
    July 13th, 2007 at 9:25 am [Reply]

    Very interesting. He has other things than to entertain me. This would never happen from Gail.

  512. Uncle Lumpy
    July 13th, 2007 at 9:26 am [Reply]

    #485 Nate R –

    Anyone ever wonder if josh thinks we are all a bunch of cracked out losers?

    Well, I guess #510 puts an end to that speculation! The answer is yes!

    Josh, I feel your pain — I’ve got a noon deadline myself. But it’s not keepin’ me from a-readin’ and a-postin’, dammit! Step up, man!

  513. Nate Bush, Pirate PHD
    July 13th, 2007 at 9:29 am [Reply]

    #512 (Lumpy) – I have no deadline at my job. Hahahhaha, it’s like one of those “never finished” tasks. Wonderful, eh? No one can say I’m slacking!

  514. stinky pete
    July 13th, 2007 at 9:29 am [Reply]

    re 510, I guess the thread alert can now be reduced to yellow.

  515. slinkimalinki
    July 13th, 2007 at 9:32 am [Reply]

    btw, gail: any relation to chris martin of coldplay? because he’s not very rock n’ roll.

    mw “i want to show that my recent promotion is merited” = “oh for margo’s sake! can’t you take a hint?”

  516. Kip W
    July 13th, 2007 at 9:34 am [Reply]

    Gail Martin was applauded for her integrity in never changing her name to anything interesting or memorable. For a brief time, she was like an Angelina Jolie of famous people, but now she’s more of the Bob Lind of has-beens.

    #369 (Nate) – This is actually a misapprehension dating back to the lawsuit by the estate of Edgar Rice Burroughs, the “Doc” Smith of writers, who claimed the song infringed on their copyright.

    #430 (Kronkina) – John may be pathetic as a human being, but he’s a great dentist! Look at the great job he did on Julie. Or Julia, whatever her name is. She shows it to everybody! The tooth, I mean.

    I start writing my comment before I read them all, but I don’t post until I get to the end. I have to take things out when brain thieves steal my ideas in advance sometimes, but that’s more than made up for by all the extra stuff that comes to mind reading all the comments.

  517. Joel
    July 13th, 2007 at 9:35 am [Reply]

    GT 7/13

    The scene says deadly fisticuffs, but the expression of the woman quadrasected by the bottom right corner of the second panel says “I am baked out of my mind and having the time of my life.”

  518. gkl
    July 13th, 2007 at 9:35 am [Reply]

    Pluggers 7/13: Also, a Plugger keeps his own poop in a wheelbarrow.

  519. commodorejohn
    July 13th, 2007 at 9:37 am [Reply]

    9CL – See, this is funny. This is almost Calvin & Hobbes funny.

    A3G – Meanwhile, different people we don’t care about are doing boring things.

    Archie – Jughead breaks and enters for food. Given the ALGJU3K’s somewhat limited knowledge of real-world physics, I’m surprised he didn’t just wallhack.

    BB – They’re not even in the woods this time. The surreality is spreading. Is that supposed to be Miss Buxley as the angel in the fisnet dress? Probably.

    Crankshaft – You know that Far Side “Where minute steaks come from?” Yeah.

    DT – Damn right he has a good disguise crew. What they haven’t told us is that he’s actually Gretchen in disguise and the whole operation was to rescue the CIA director. It’s like a Get Smart episode.

    DTM – One small step for man, one giant leap for menace. Paging Dean Booth…

    FOOB – April, I love you. I love you with all my heart. You are second only to Margo. The way you eagerly mess with your self-absorbed parents’ heads as they come crashing down out of their dream world to the cold hard reality that they purchased a crappy run-down little shack from one smooth operator sets my heart a-flutter. You’re too good for this strip, girl. (P.S. Surprisingly, April is using actual, real-world slang today. Whether this is intentional or whether LJ merely stumbled upon a slang term that people already use is yet to be ascertained.)

    GT – The Disco Fever has spread from Charterstone to Milford! Alert the CDC!

    JP – Panel two is raising my Alonzo Hawk hopes even higher; for a brief moment, he looks like he’s actually supposed to be Keenan Wynn.

    MW – I sure don’t understand. What, exactly, is Vera’s point? Is she going to work Saturday just so she can prove she deserved her promotion? That’s just stupid.

    MC – Hey, I listen to ABBA…

    RMMD – Ooh, he said “lorry!” He must be British!

  520. gh
    July 13th, 2007 at 9:37 am [Reply]

    #423 Uncle Lumpy –

    I salute you, sir!

    #426 Dingo –

    Best. Story. Yet. And I don’t even like Gail Martin.

    #507 The Divine O’F –

    Now that I’m caught up I see you’ve been trying your best, but Josh will have none of it. Knotted thread? More like a mare’s nest. Since we’re headed for 600 at least, maybe we should just declare embroidery thread and kick off our shoes like good Canadians.

  521. AAckTTpth
    July 13th, 2007 at 9:40 am [Reply]

    Bizarro:

    “…a bag of saturns, and, um, a half-dozen boxcars, if they are on sale. Do you have any Margos in stock?”

  522. rich
    July 13th, 2007 at 9:43 am [Reply]

    For Better or Borked: Here’s another one…Sept. 2, 2005. That explains it — it’s a regional dialect.

  523. Dingo
    July 13th, 2007 at 9:47 am [Reply]

    It was late in the afternoon and Gail was spread over the bed covers like a flesh swastika. Taffy entered the room with a pot of Earl Grey, some lightly-buttered rye toast, and a small plate of vegan sausages.

    “I thought after shoving all of that pork up your puss last night something vegetarian might be in under.” Taffy tittered.

    “Wha-? Huh? What are you talking about?” Gail removed the sleeping mask from her face and noticed her naked body beneath her.

    “That bartender, Jamus, that you met at the Central City Cafe last night. He’s in the media room watching one of your old concerts right now. So far, he’s seen the concert for bangled hash and even danced along to your number from that pig roast you did for the sorority girls who died on that amusement park ride that went out of control.”

    “Oh, yeah.” said Gail. “That was a good show. They called it ‘We Are the Whirled.’”

    Gail looked down at her belly. “What does this say, Taffy?”

    “Um… it reads ‘Feed the Black Hole of Calcutta!’”

    “Did he write that on me?”

    “No… you did. After your third raspberry mocha frappuccino. You really need to switch to decaf.” Taffy opened the drapes. The blazing Arizona sun burst into the room like Jane Russell in Gentlemen Prefer Blondes.

    “Well,” sighed Gail, “at least this time it wasn’t a tattoo.”

  524. Nate Bush, Pirate PHD
    July 13th, 2007 at 9:53 am [Reply]

    #523 (Ate Gails Baby) – I thought she was still a Vegan! She was a memeber of Peta some years back. I guess she fell back to her meat eating ways. Atleast she isn’t on the rag anymore.

  525. Blake
    July 13th, 2007 at 9:53 am [Reply]

    FOOB: “Borked”? Seriously? I image that Lynn’s process of writing a strip (or maybe “excreting a strip” is a better phrase) involves writing dialogue first, and then looking for words to replace with slang to make it sound like it is coming from a teenager instead of an out-of-touch old hack.

    Eventually, we are gonig to see exchanges like this:
    John: April, how are you doing?
    April: Flabberty floo, beanie in the cloud-maker, Pops! I see the chicken coup, and prunswick out to lunch?

  526. Calico
    July 13th, 2007 at 9:54 am [Reply]

    FOOB – haha, John is so fuckin’ oblivious to everything except his trains.
    You can pretty much tell if a frig is new or not without belonging to MENSA. Why didn’t he ask to see the receipt or check the model? What a true dumbass/sucker.
    Haha, the master of the new shack didn’t even check the attic or have the thing inspected!
    April, get out NOW before the whole thing collapses in a heap of saturns, boxcars, mothballs, and old sheets.

  527. Blake
    July 13th, 2007 at 9:56 am [Reply]

    In my previous post, image==imagine. Sorry.

  528. Dingo
    July 13th, 2007 at 9:59 am [Reply]

    something vegetarian might be in under SHOULD BE something vegetarian might be in order

  529. rich
    July 13th, 2007 at 9:59 am [Reply]

    “Tarzana Nights”?

    (Remember that famous plagiarism trial? When they caught Gail Martin “unintentionally” combining lines from Frank Bonham’s essay with the melody from “He’s So Fine”?)

  530. Katherine
    July 13th, 2007 at 10:01 am [Reply]

    Nate Bush — Thank you for clarifying that! But please, please, please, for the love of all that is holy, do not call me Kathy! Ackptht!

    518 — Although it might be because I’m still juveline enough to be amused by poop humor, this is my nomination for COTW!

  531. gh
    July 13th, 2007 at 10:02 am [Reply]

    DT — Unable to read English and feeling the call of nature, the Baron chooses the wrong door and literally goes to Das Bucket.

    FBoFW — Actually, Lynn didn’t misspell “squeek.” It’s another Canadian slang term meaning “used condom.” The repair guy dropped it after Elly paid him.

    MW — So, is Vera saying she’s a weekend monkey kisser?

    #523 Dingo – You are the master. Here’s a whole handful of quarters.

  532. One-Armed Bandit
    July 13th, 2007 at 10:03 am [Reply]

    FOOB: What’s most amusing is that the faulty fridge is what bothers John the most of all the damages discovered so far. It’s less troublesome to buy a new fridge (and didn’t Elly want to go a spending spree for new things, anyway?) than to repair a roof or remove squirrels from the attic. Looks like this house will be going down in no time, almost as quickly as Blandthony’s ready to go down on Liz.

  533. Anonymous
    July 13th, 2007 at 10:03 am [Reply]

    Borked is obviously a cross between having your baloney bopped or being porked depending on which end you are on. Could you use it in a sentence? I pity the foob – borked to death.

  534. Gabe
    July 13th, 2007 at 10:03 am [Reply]

    Archie: Just what is Archie masturbating to, there? Must be good if Jughead’s willing to crawl through a window and interrupt special man time to get a peek.

    BB: As everyone said, WTF? If this isn’t an absinthe/drug joke, I don’t know what it is. Maybe he’s got the DTs? Whoever heard of the DT’s being pleasant?

  535. Nate Bush, Pirate PHD
    July 13th, 2007 at 10:03 am [Reply]

    He’s so fine, you mean she?

  536. Nate Bush, Pirate PHD
    July 13th, 2007 at 10:03 am [Reply]

    He’s so fine, you mean she?

  537. Paperback Rifler
    July 13th, 2007 at 10:05 am [Reply]

    510. It’s okay, Josh; ya gotta do what ya gotta do. And it makes me feel less bad about posting my low-quality snark:

    Get Fuzzy: I’m with pete (#469); I don’t know where “weekend monkey kisser” came from, but I’m very glad that it’s here!

    Phantom: Aw, SNAP!

    Crankshaft: Since I decided yesterday that the petty, hateful Crankshaft must be the comic stand-in for the petty, hateful Batiuk, I thought it might be interesting to keep a day-by-day running list of things that Crankshaft (and therefore, Batiuk) hates. Here’s what we have since yesterday:
    1. Waitresses (possibly a sign of full-blown misogyny)
    2. Livestock

    Pluggers: See, the plugger’s iPod isn’t the whistling. Since your average plugger has decided that popular music today is all just a load of crap, today’s featured plugger has decided not to subject himself to that music and instead to cart around an actual load of crap. I applaud you, Mr. Anthropomorphized, Obese, Nearsighted, Balding Dog-Man! Your symbolic social commentary is brilliant! And insane. Totally, certifiably insane.

    And finally, another song parody that absolutely nobody asked for. I was hesitant to post this one since it’s not Gail Martin-related and since I think it’s hard to parody this particular song without making yourself look like a weepy, weekend monkey kisser. (Hey, look — I’m using it already!) Anyway, apologies to Roy Orbison, his estate, and everybody everywhere:

    I was all right for a while.
    I could smile for a while.
    But when I read each day’s strip,
    It always makes me quip,
    “It should just be called ‘For Worse.’”
    Wish it wasn’t so, that it gives me woe . . .

    And I am crying over “Foob;”
    Crying over “Foob;”
    It’s been so long
    Since this comic went so wrong
    And left me crying . . . crying . . . crying . . . crying,
    It’s hard to understand
    How it all got so bad
    And left me crying.

    I thought that I was over “Foob,”
    But it’s true, oh so true,
    That each passing day causes more dismay;
    But, boxcar! What can I do?
    Stop tor-MENT-ing us!
    Take a HI-atus!

    Crying over “Foob;”
    Crying over “Foob;”
    What once was right
    Is now a load of shite
    And leaves me crying . . . crying . . . crying . . . crying,
    Crying,
    Crying —
    Oh . . . over “Foob!”

  538. Nate Bush, Pirate PHD
    July 13th, 2007 at 10:05 am [Reply]

    Oooops, double post. Damn tripple click mistake.

  539. Tweeks_Coffee
    July 13th, 2007 at 10:05 am [Reply]

    A3G: Meanwhile, a jewish nosed Margo-clone met up with Eric.

    Archie: If it weren’t for the completely awkward stating in panel 2, this could have been amusing.

    DtM: I ain’t touching that with a 10-foot pole.

    (DT)GT: That woman’s trying mighty hard to get into the shot. I’m not sure where Kaz does his shopping, but that’s the oddest fitting shirt I’ve ever seen. Either that or he’s got breasts. Maybe he’s further with his change than we thought.

    MT: I really have no idea how this line of questioning could lead to the result we all know will come. “You want a new airport, so you must know about the bird strike!” Flawless logic, Sam.

    TDIET: Wait…what?

  540. Katherine
    July 13th, 2007 at 10:07 am [Reply]

    While clearly the inspiration for Lick my Decals Off Baby, Gail is actually regarded as the Yoko Ono of the Magic Band, and is generally considered to be to blame for Beefheart’s truly execrable experiment in soft rock Bluejeans and Moonbeams. It is thought that without Gail’s influence, and the hypnotic power of her braid, Beefheart would not have even known what soft rock was.

  541. The Divine O’F
    July 13th, 2007 at 10:07 am [Reply]

    520 gh: Embroidery thread it is! Does anyone want to know about the time I spent two weeks in a Tokyo mental institution?

    523 Dingo: You rock!

  542. Edgy DC
    July 13th, 2007 at 10:11 am [Reply]

    I don’t know if anybody’s caught it yet, but Shylock is wrong wrong wrong. One of the six items that’s different between the two drasings is claimed to be the steam. Looks the same to me, Chief. The six item is the different coloring in the tail-light.

    Where do I collect my money?

  543. commodorejohn
    July 13th, 2007 at 10:11 am [Reply]

    Re: “borked” – no, seriously, people, it is actual, real slang, at least on Internet communities I frequent. It’s just a humorous misspelling of “broke” incorrectly conjugated for the past tense. Don’t let me interrupt your fun or anything, I just though you should know.

  544. Nate Bush, Pirate PHD
    July 13th, 2007 at 10:13 am [Reply]

    #539 (KathERINE) – While I respect your opinions, and your wish to not be called Kathy, I have to disagree. It was Beefheart’s pressure from the Animal Liberation Front that caused him to move into soft rock. He said he couldn’t change his name (which was their demand) without changing his image. They said “then change your image, or else feel the wraith of a thousand recently released lab mice!”

    The Braid is to blame, for it was wearing a wire at the time, which the ALF listened to.

    Because he was no longer followed by a cult of fans, his new name, GardenVeggiePatties®heart was never noticed.

  545. Calico
    July 13th, 2007 at 10:14 am [Reply]

    #537 – actually, I think I’d like one of those triple-click Frappuccinos with a drizzle of Vera on top – sounds absolutely brain-shattering!

  546. Winnie Winkle
    July 13th, 2007 at 10:15 am [Reply]

    Personally, Gail Martin turned me off when she did that appearance at Wrestlemania XX as Triple H’s guest manager and subsequently did the subsequent hot oil match with one of the WWE divas. That’s when I realized that she had sold out.

  547. gh
    July 13th, 2007 at 10:16 am [Reply]

    #540 The Divine O’F –

    Of course we want to know. It’s not like we’re rushing off anywhere any time soon. Let me get a chair and a drink.

  548. Uncle Lumpy
    July 13th, 2007 at 10:17 am [Reply]

    #540 O’F –

    I do, I do!

    Although I once worked for a Japanese company, which I suspect is a roughly equivalent experience.

  549. AhClem
    July 13th, 2007 at 10:18 am [Reply]

    #523 Dingo -
    “…Gail was spread over the bed covers like a flesh swastika.”

    Best. Metaphor. Ever. I salute you, sir!

  550. Skullturf Q. Beavispants
    July 13th, 2007 at 10:21 am [Reply]

    Joke Writing 101

    Case Study: Hi and Lois, 7/13/2007

    Punchlines lose their “punch” if they are unnecessarily wordy and elongated, thus creating the impression of “trailing off”.

    An improved punchline for the second panel: “I learned I hate flipping burgers.”

    The existing punchline in this strip loses humour value and “punch” not just through being excessively wordy, but also through the insertion of qualifiers that make the punchline more “nuanced” and acknowledge the subtleties of everyday life. A merely slight exaggeration of the existing punchline would be something like:

    “I learned I hate flipping burgers. Well, ‘hate’ is too strong a word, but I learned that flipping burgers is not something I would want to do for the rest of my life. Of course, being a teenager, I can expect most jobs I get at my age to be fairly repetitive and not especially fulfilling. Hopefully, in the coming years, as I obtain specialized education and training in a suitable field, I can obtain more satisfying work that meshes well with my particular interests and aptitudes.”

  551. Holly
    July 13th, 2007 at 10:25 am [Reply]

    Mad props to FOOB for the use of b0rked. (she should have put a zero in.) That made me LOL, lyk, hella.

  552. Skullturf Q. Beavispants
    July 13th, 2007 at 10:26 am [Reply]

    #541 Edgy DC:

    Re the 6 differences in Thursday’s Slylock, look more closely at the steam. In panel 1, it’s entering the house as it moves rightward; in panel 2, it remains outdoors.

    And in today’s Slylock, the answer to scrambled item #3 is “A PORN”. Whoever belongs to those shifty eyes in the doghouse is up to no good, I tells ya.

  553. SatanicMechanic
    July 13th, 2007 at 10:33 am [Reply]

    I’ve finally figured 9chickweed out!!! Brooke’s using barbie dolls to draw from!

  554. Nate Bush, Pirate PHD
    July 13th, 2007 at 10:36 am [Reply]

    #545 (Wink) – Come on, you didn’t realize how that was a political statement about the objectification of women?

    #548 (AhCl) – In the words of my dumb ass english teacher “No. Best. Simile. Ever.”

    #551 (SQB) I thought Lorcal and Emlo were already words…. I uncraambled them to get Collar and Elmo, two of Gail Martin’s favourite toys when she is with her lover.

  555. rich
    July 13th, 2007 at 10:37 am [Reply]

    Beetle: Ahh, the universal symbols for drunken euphoria:

    1. Birds singing
    2. Babelicious angel playing a harp
    3. A leprechaun with a pot o’ gold
    4. ……Hockey sticks over a setting sun?

  556. Nate Bush, Pirate PHD
    July 13th, 2007 at 10:39 am [Reply]

    If anyone is interested in June 23′s Slylock, i love the way they humiliate the kid who drew the deformed squirel.

  557. Nate Bush, Pirate PHD
    July 13th, 2007 at 10:40 am [Reply]

    Anyone ever been so hungover you can hear the birds walking on the grass?

  558. Skullturf Q. Beavispants
    July 13th, 2007 at 10:40 am [Reply]

    Hockey sticks over a setting sun are what’s depicted on the provincial flag of British Columbia, Canada.

  559. TurtleBoy
    July 13th, 2007 at 10:41 am [Reply]

    Beetle Bailey: “Sorry, son, Halftrack got the last of the mescaline.”

    Foob: Lynn Johnston has a “Random Slang Generator” sitting next to her worktable. She can set it to “Metaphor” or “Nonsense.” The first setting gave us “roadside,” while the second is responsible for gems like “winkies” and “borked.” I think the RSG is made by the same company that marketed the AJGLU-3000.

    MW: Dr. Drew’s favorite song? “I’m Too Sexy.”

    Pluggers: The day has come when the words “iPod” and “Plugger” can appear in the same sentence. Isn’t that one of the signs of the apocalypse? I think it comes right after the line “and the dog shall lie down with the hen.”

  560. Winnie Winkle
    July 13th, 2007 at 10:45 am [Reply]

    Did anyone watch the VHI-Behind The Music: Gail Martin? Her career took a sad decline after appearing that one fateful night in Central City.

  561. Nate Bush, Pirate PHD
    July 13th, 2007 at 10:46 am [Reply]

    Pluggers: I’d give up my ipod if I could blow smoke in the shape of musical notes, then again, I don’t have an ipod, i have a creative zen.

  562. Anonymous
    July 13th, 2007 at 10:46 am [Reply]

    A plugger I-Pod runs out of memory after happy birthday and she’ll be comin’ round the mountain.

  563. gh
    July 13th, 2007 at 10:46 am [Reply]

    #316 Brown-eyed Girl –

    I revised your revision (took out the comma) and submitted the caption. Cross your fingers!

  564. AAckTTpth
    July 13th, 2007 at 10:47 am [Reply]

    As much as I hate to defend FOOB,

    Borked.

    Lynn, that’s some mad skillz with UrbanDictionary.com…

    On the other hand, yesterFrazz uses “jones” in a much more natural way. Either that, or I don’t hate Frazz as much as I hate FOOB.

  565. Nate Bush, Pirate PHD
    July 13th, 2007 at 10:48 am [Reply]

    #560 (The Pooh [not in the plugger's wheelbarrow]) – It was all lies! They just took the story of Motley Crew and put in Gail’s name instead!

  566. Nate Bush, Pirate PHD
    July 13th, 2007 at 10:50 am [Reply]

    What’s this bull saturn about a girl riding six white horses? I always took that song to use the alternative meaning of the word come.

  567. Dingo
    July 13th, 2007 at 10:50 am [Reply]

    Gail Martin, genius /
    Tarzana Nights made me cry /
    Autograph my heart!

  568. TurtleBoy
    July 13th, 2007 at 10:51 am [Reply]

    #565 Nate: Would this “Motley Crew” be the same motley crew as the famed Mötley Crüe?

  569. Gail martin
    July 13th, 2007 at 10:53 am [Reply]

    Dingo, I was made aware by the American Heart Association that I was no longer allowed to preform open-heart-tattoos. I would love to do it, though, for an adoring fan. If you have plans to go to the Democratic Republic of the Congo, I can do it there.

  570. ElSanto
    July 13th, 2007 at 10:54 am [Reply]

    #546 — She didn’t sell out, Winnie. She did that appearance as a favor to her former bodyguard, future WWE champion Batista. He took a bullet for her in Columbus when some crazy drunk screaming “Tarzana Nights!” started to open fire. She originally was just going to be a special front row guest for the evening, but then Jazz called in sick, Vinnie Mac was desperate, and the rest, they say, is history.

    Also, back in a 1998 Rolling Stones interview, she DID mention that her secret fantasy was “Rolling in a vat of oil with Trish F—in’ Stratus.”

  571. Nate Bush, Pirate PHD
    July 13th, 2007 at 10:56 am [Reply]

    567 (Ate Gail’s Baby) – Forgive my spelling. I have a horrible disease called “Spell-check-makes-it-so-I-don’t-have-to-do-anything-with-my-own-mind-anymore,-and-thus-my-spelling-is-always-off”palsy

  572. reader-who-posts
    July 13th, 2007 at 10:56 am [Reply]

    I remember attending Gail’s concert in Cut and Shoot, Texas at Jim Bob’s Bingo and Dance Hall.

    It was a difficult concert for her since the crowd wanted her to sing country songs and didn’t care one whit about “Tarzana Nights”. Gail’s professionalism managed to show through, though, when she whipped off her shirt, chugged a Lone Star, and regaled the crowd with a rousing rendition of the 80′s dance song “I Wanna be a Cowboy”. The crowd was cheering wildly due to the mechanical bull riding contest in the back, but in her drunken state Gail thought she had won them over.

    After the concert I stumbled across her puking outside her trailer. I stopped to tell her how wonderful she was what a big fan I am of hers, and how I listen to “Tarzana Nights” at least three times a day.

    Gail finished vomiting, stood up and looked at me a long time. Then she peed in her pants and said two magical words – “Captain Katmandu”. I have no idea what she meant, but the next thing I knew she was in my hotel room (at the world-famous Billy Bob’s Hunting Lodge) giving me the most wonderful night of my life.

    Then next morning, as we lay in bed with the floor strewn with our clothes, her vomit, a colostomy bag, and something that looked vaguely like a kidney, Gail looked into my eyes and said “who the &*%$ are you?”

    The next week I received a notice of a restraining order, and that was the last time I ever saw her in concert.

    Ahh, good times….

  573. Nate Bush, Pirate PHD
    July 13th, 2007 at 10:57 am [Reply]

    sorry, i meant #568 (TurtleBoy)

  574. Dingo
    July 13th, 2007 at 10:59 am [Reply]

    ElSanto, I remember that night. Gail walked on stage amidst the hush of the crowd and began singing, “Please just let it be. Please just let it be. I ain’t free and you ain’t free. Please just let it be.” And just like getting your head smashed between Condileeza Rice’s breasts, it all didn’t matter. We just began to sing along with her. I was sitting next to Carole King and she commented that Gail rocks.

  575. Nate Bush, Pirate PHD
    July 13th, 2007 at 11:02 am [Reply]

    #572 (RWP) – Did she, or didn’t she have a burn scar on her right ass cheek saying “Never Restrain Love Again”? If she didn’t, i guess it was about you, and she asked me to do it afterwards because she regretted the choice. If she did, then she was obviously drunk when she asked me to do it, as she never really meant it.

    Burn scarring a promise is known as a “G-Martain Promise” in the gay comunity.

    Also, the G-spot is named after her, because she can find it in any woman, making her very popular with all women… Especially Oprah.

  576. Nate Bush, Pirate PHD
    July 13th, 2007 at 11:05 am [Reply]

    #574 (Ate Gail’s Baby) – Carole King is a fan of wrestling? Go figure.

    I will say that Gail stole the wrestling idea from Cyndi Lauper, but it was only fair, since Gail was the first to shave a checker pattern in only one side of her head. Cyndi just refused the Braid, making it her own.

  577. SnakeMcQuinn
    July 13th, 2007 at 11:07 am [Reply]

    Next phone call…”Dawn Weston, what can Amazing Whew Drew do for you”? (with his penis).

    The jury is still out on his black hair dye job but why would Vera tell him she likes him a lot, having just met him briefly at a party? It seems all the Charterstone chicks are metrosexual fodder.

    Sam Hill just may be onto something…

  578. Nate Bush, Pirate PHD
    July 13th, 2007 at 11:09 am [Reply]

    Oh my, in the bathroom break I just took, something amazing happened.

    I walked in, and it smelt like Lemon Heads. You know, the candy? It was released as a perfume, although it was not bought by very many people, under the name “The Smell of Braid”. It was a scent by Gail Martin.

    The scent sent me back in my mind, as I approached the stall, and in it, a half spilt bottle of the perfume was in the stall. Next to it a photo of Gail. Above me, a body hanging from the rafters. The body was of Gail’s first girlfriend, the one she wrote about in Tarzana Nights.

    Why did she pick the men’s room?

  579. andreavis
    July 13th, 2007 at 11:09 am [Reply]

    #463 Dr. Laura– I second your call to Josh for a Gail Martin lookalike contest. I am clutching my braid in anticipation!

  580. Anonymous
    July 13th, 2007 at 11:11 am [Reply]

    I heard she bit the head off a bat while masturbating on stage.

  581. Nate Bush, Pirate PHD
    July 13th, 2007 at 11:12 am [Reply]

    #580 (No name) – She is always masturbating. Always… That article about the incedent was trying to point out that the bat was masturbating while she bit his head off.

  582. gh
    July 13th, 2007 at 11:13 am [Reply]

    #576 Nate Bush, Pirate PHD –

    Gail was the first to shave a checker pattern in only one side of her head.

    I was under the impression she picked that up when she toured with The Archies.

  583. Nate Bush, Pirate PHD
    July 13th, 2007 at 11:13 am [Reply]

    Lunch break for me, so when i get back, i will probably embroidery thread a bit

  584. Little A.
    July 13th, 2007 at 11:15 am [Reply]

    Yeah, Gail Martin’s been around. I remember a concert in Central Park one summer about 25 years ago. I can’t remember a thing she sung or performed, but I do remember that she was wearing a Nancy and Sluggo tee shirt, nicely filled, too.

  585. The Divine O’F
    July 13th, 2007 at 11:18 am [Reply]

    gh and Uncle Lumpy and anyone else who is interested: The Divine O’F’s 2 Weeks in a Tokyo Mental Institution
    In the early eighties my brother taught ESL in Tokyo with his second ex-wife (though she wasn’t ex at the time). During a trip to Hong Kong (or perhaps in Tokyo) he was bitten by a mosquito and developed encephalitis, though it was not diagnosed for a while. All they knew for sure was that he was in a coma. My father and I flew to Tokyo to see what we could do, though my father himself became ill and had to leave after a couple of days.

    By the time I got there my brother was out of the coma, but very dopy and had total amnesia. He was in a mental institution where at that time (and for all I know today) they kept all people with any sort of mental or brain problems. There was a huge central room with a big samovar (whatever they are called in Japanese) full of green tea, and then private and semi-private rooms lining the halls around the central room.

    Because he was American and didn’t speak Japanese, he had to have someone with him at all times. My job was to stay with him during the day, while a male Japanese friend stayed with him at night. (His wife had to work all day). So I got up in the very early morning and traveled by counting subway stops to the hospital, then spent the day with my brother, taking a break only to go get lunch for both of us at McDonald’s on the corner.

    It was one of the most interesting experiences of my life. I got to witness close up what total amnesia is like and what it is like when the person starts coming out of it (in his case, little clumps of memories seemed to come back in a rush, as if neurons were re-establishing connections; this went on for months after he returned to the US). I also got to see a lot of Japanese patients with very interesting problems, like the teenage boy who would be walking along or talking to someone and then suddenly collapse in a heap (narcolepsy) and the old woman who whenever she met anyone would bow and then take out her false teeth and hand them to the person (Alzheimer’s?). There were also a lot of people who mumbled to themselves and occasionally shrieked.

    The doctors would not talk to me until they found out I was Older Sister (they had thought I was younger), which gave me a bit of status. At the end of each shift, the nurses went to each room and said goodbye and bowed. There were so many other really interesting cultural things, though at the time I was there I don’t think I appreciated them.

    While I was there I read Shogun, by James Clavell, which is about a sea captain who keeps trying to get out of Japan (among other things). It could not have been more appropriate.

  586. queek
    July 13th, 2007 at 11:20 am [Reply]

    396: OMG, that is wonderful! Ordinarily, that web-comic is just a series of “Rayne is a man-whore” jokes, but that one is brilliant.

    on to the comics!

    (dt)GT: that’s low, Rubin. Hittin’ below the belt, that is. Just wait till next year!

    A&J: I accused the QG of sending in strip submissions. That’s one of our conversations almost word for word, right down to her love of Spyder solitaire.

    F-: almost good for the bi-weakly laugh.

    Mr. Boffo has another solitaire joke today.

    RwO: was brilliant. “See you later, calculator!”

    Heart’s mom is looking good these days, but not as good as the mother-daughter pair in 9CL. Wowzers. O_O

  587. commodorejohn
    July 13th, 2007 at 11:21 am [Reply]

    #585 The Divine O’F – Fascinating.

    It appears we are hitting the thread divergence point.

  588. commodorejohn
    July 13th, 2007 at 11:23 am [Reply]

    #586 queek – Yeah, Juliet and Edda look more like older sister and younger sister than mother and daughter.

    But hey, I’m not complaining.

  589. Dingo
    July 13th, 2007 at 11:26 am [Reply]

    Juliet and Edda are SO not my mother and sister. My mother would have just knocked her into the water. With a toaster. Plugged in.

  590. B
    July 13th, 2007 at 11:29 am [Reply]

    So the sump pump was rejected because of it’s political views? I’m assuming it was it’s views on immigration, and it was in favor of giving the water amnesty instead of deportation.

  591. gh
    July 13th, 2007 at 11:30 am [Reply]

    #585 The Divine O’F –

    Wow. Wonderful story. I‘m always fascinated by how the brain works (or doesn’t). [But I also call Shaggy Dog Story, Melkardammit! I was sure you’d tell us you were falsely incarcerated for putting ketchup on your sushi or something.]

  592. The Divine O’F
    July 13th, 2007 at 11:32 am [Reply]

    Credit Where Credit is Due: F Minus, which to me is usually a waste of ink and paper, actually made me LOL today. http://www.comics.com/comics/fminus/

  593. commodorejohn
    July 13th, 2007 at 11:33 am [Reply]

    Fun Gail Martin fact: she was originally considered for the role of Cammy in the Street Fighter movie, but was rejected for being too recognizable; the producers were afraid she would detract from the name draw of Raul Julia and Jean Claude Van Damme.

  594. The Divine O’F
    July 13th, 2007 at 11:38 am [Reply]

    gh: sorry about the shaggy dog aspect; but it’s true; I did spend two weeks in a mental institution in Tokyo. And except for my brother, who is now dead, I’m the only person I know who has had that experience.

    I just remembered a funny bit: after a few days we started explaining stuff to my brother, like where he was and why, and who he was married to (he did remember that I was his sister, but for a long time that was his only true memory). Anyway, when I told him that Ronald Reagan was President of the US, he did a double take: “How did THAT happen?”

  595. Kate
    July 13th, 2007 at 11:41 am [Reply]

    I’m not good enough to contribute to the Gail Martin stories. So I won’t.

    I will, however, say that the letters on the FBOFW site made me vomit and vomit and vomit and vomit and vomit.

  596. Nate Bush, Pirate PHD
    July 13th, 2007 at 11:44 am [Reply]

    #592 (Simply Divine) – Sorry pal, but I am too tainted with peta propaganda to laugh at that. The fact is they are killed to be cut up. They don’t “die of natural causes”. Maybe it was that he wanted to donate his body because his wife seems to be unaproachable. How could he ever sleep with that woman, when she faces the other way and ignores his thoughts at night. I feel bad for him.

    #593 (Commodore) – Did you also know she wrote the script in an opium den while talking to the ghost that Lu struggled with in Apartment 3G. Margo led him there and fled, so he couldn’t find his way back to the Apartment. He kept watching her shower. (then again, who wouldn’t want to see the finger quotin goddess naked?)

    #594 (Simply Divine again) – I’ve been in a mental hospital in America, and it is similarly laid out so no one can communicate with me unless someone translates. That person was, of course, a censoring whore. That bitch would always leave things out!

  597. Nate Bush, Pirate PHD
    July 13th, 2007 at 11:46 am [Reply]

    #595 (Kate) – You can help out, just dig inside yourself and find your inner diva. Go deep into the Braid of your heart, the spiritual center. Look back at memories you thought were gone, and pull up a fact you recall with the faint aftertaste of fiction. Remember, everyone’s heart beats to a different banjo!

  598. gh
    July 13th, 2007 at 11:48 am [Reply]

    #594 The Divine O’F –

    I was in Katmandu [Peace Corps vacation] when RR was elected and I had the exact same reaction. There are some good things to be said for amnesia.

  599. commodorejohn
    July 13th, 2007 at 11:49 am [Reply]

    #596 Nate Bush, Pirate PHD – I’d heard words to that effect, but you just never know with movie rumors. Makes sense, though.

  600. Gadge Cubic, Mole Preener
    July 13th, 2007 at 11:52 am [Reply]

    Has anyone considered the possibility that Gail Martin is simply a fictitious character?

    That would be hilarious.

  601. commodorejohn
    July 13th, 2007 at 11:54 am [Reply]

    #600 Gadge Cubic – Don’t talk such nonsense. She’s even shown up to post here, and you dare to doubt her? Good gravy, what a rude person you are!

  602. Trotzenbonnie
    July 13th, 2007 at 12:00 pm [Reply]

    #578 – Nate
    What the? You work with people who can shit Lemon Heads? Lucky!

    #505 Dingo
    That whine & cheese story was almost as funny as yours. And I want “hug myself in a fuzzy sweater” tattooed on my whatever right under the cheese wheel being rolled upstairs.
    And I hereby declare you the King of All Similes!

  603. Nate Bush, Pirate PHD
    July 13th, 2007 at 12:01 pm [Reply]

    Think, our 600th post was some person claiming Gail was not real!

    Just remember buddy! You wouldn’t have had a 600th post if it weren’t for Gail Martin and her wonderful experiences!

  604. Gabe
    July 13th, 2007 at 12:02 pm [Reply]

    I think we’ve determined we need a Gail Martin concert tee. With cities visted on the back.

    Riverdale
    Camp Swampy
    Milborough
    Apt. 3G
    African Jungle
    Slumberland

    I’m sure you folks can fill in more.

  605. Skullturf Q. Beavispants
    July 13th, 2007 at 12:02 pm [Reply]

    Has anyone noticed that Gail Martin sounds just like Aldo Kelrast?

  606. Nate Bush, Pirate PHD
    July 13th, 2007 at 12:02 pm [Reply]

    #602 (Trotz) – I, personally, shit rainbows.

  607. Skullturf Q. Beavispants
    July 13th, 2007 at 12:03 pm [Reply]

    #604 Gabe — Don’t forget Milford CT, which I’m not quite sure is real.

  608. TurtleBoy
    July 13th, 2007 at 12:05 pm [Reply]

    #607 Skullturf: I’ve gotta ask, have you ever studied MartinGails?

  609. Gabe
    July 13th, 2007 at 12:06 pm [Reply]

    Goon Island
    Id

  610. Gabe
    July 13th, 2007 at 12:07 pm [Reply]

    Bloom County

  611. Nate Bush, Pirate PHD
    July 13th, 2007 at 12:09 pm [Reply]

    #604 (SQB) – Ever wonder if gail stopped in Charterhouse or Charterstone, or wherever the margo Mary lives? (one of them is where she lives, the other is a street by my house)

  612. The Divine O’F
    July 13th, 2007 at 12:10 pm [Reply]

    Pibgorn: I just saw today’s installment. Holy S*** and WTF!?????

  613. Nate Bush, Pirate PHD
    July 13th, 2007 at 12:13 pm [Reply]

    I’d kill someone with a pearl tipped pin, I’d kill almost anyone. Except for Gail.

  614. Perky Bird
    July 13th, 2007 at 12:15 pm [Reply]

    #605 Skullturf Q. Beavispants–
    Yes, Aldo and Gail sound very much alike. In fact, the two were very close. When Gail once got laryngitis while on tour, Aldo agreed to stand backstage and sing, while Gail lip-synched. The audience was none the wiser.

  615. ohyes
    July 13th, 2007 at 12:22 pm [Reply]

    Yesterthread: Happy Birthday, Josh!

    Simul-thread: MW: Vera is following The Rules in turning down a weekend date request that’s made only the day before. But she should have said simply that she already has “plans.” This working-weekend-nights-on-my-huckster-job-because-I-fear-I’m-not-up-to-it excuse shows she’s an obsessive, frightened, depressed person, Drew. Hang up the phone and call Dawn.

    Morrow-thread: Mark Trail makes no sense! These are homicidal maniacs, trying to cause plane crashes! With birds!

  616. Winnie Winkle
    July 13th, 2007 at 12:22 pm [Reply]

    Towns for the Gail Martin tour shirt : Coconino County-the home of Krazy Kat; Gotham City; Metropolis and let’s not forget Foobville, Milborough, Ontario.

  617. gh
    July 13th, 2007 at 12:25 pm [Reply]

    #612 The Divine O’F –

    Roger that. And just who is Roger? Never mind. Then I’d have to figure out who the pirate lady and everyone else are. I did enjoy 9CL today, but overall still think JSP [Josh’s Server Problems] is more consistently intriguing. Edgier. Less predictable.

  618. man behind the curtain
    July 13th, 2007 at 12:27 pm [Reply]

    MW — So now with both Dr. Drew and Dawn are in major states of horniness, who will make the first move? And Vera isn’t for real is she? I mean maybe Dr. Drew and his blue/black hair isn’t Prince charming but he is alive. (And by the way, I thought Vera was Norm’s wife.) Cheers.

  619. Anonymous
    July 13th, 2007 at 12:30 pm [Reply]

    New foob hilarity from “Least I Could Do”. Check out this strip, it’s funny.

    The characters in this strip have just learned that they will now grow older instead of remaining twenty-something forever. One of them is trying to escape to another strip.

  620. Artist formerly known as Ben
    July 13th, 2007 at 12:36 pm [Reply]

    Friday the 13th

    MW: Vera’s sobered up since the pool party, it seems.

    MT: “I suspect you’ve been hring felons to sabotage the airport, so I thought I’d come here alone and confront you. Makes sense, right?”

    9CL: How is Edda going to swim when her legs are stuck in panel 2?

    H&L: Hi is disappointed that his son won’t doesn’t want to spend eternity in the fast food industry.

    DtM: Augh, get out of my head!

    GT: You’d think Tom Jones would put up more of a fight. A few hip thrusts anyway.

    TDIET: The last–and we do mean last, brother–person to be making fun of anyone else’s speech patterns is Al Scaduto, oh yeaahhh!!!

  621. Skullturf Q. Beavispants
    July 13th, 2007 at 12:43 pm [Reply]

    @ #608 TurtleBoy: Mixture of groaning, laughter, and applause.

    Actually, I guess I technically have (though I don’t remember using the term myself). I’ve spent a lot of time studying random polynomials in one variable whose coefficients are +1 and -1. In my readings on probability I came upon general results on martingales some of which can be relevant.

  622. andreavis
    July 13th, 2007 at 12:47 pm [Reply]

    I kinda wish this thread would end already; it’s getting frayed and fuzzy, and I keep licking and licking the ends but I can’t get it pointy enough to go through eye of the needle anymore (sob)

  623. Gabe
    July 13th, 2007 at 12:50 pm [Reply]

    I listed Milborough! And Batman and Superman were comic strips in the paper at one time, I guess, but they aren’t now. I was trying to keep to the funnies page theme.

  624. Allie Cat
    July 13th, 2007 at 12:53 pm [Reply]

    When I was a student at the local university, I got drunk on pedestrian wine – I believe it was an oaky merlot, and I lost my virginity to a dashing young doctor in the backseat of his two-toned car (blue up front, brown in the back). I’ll never forget that Gail Martin’s cover of Whiter Shade of Pale was playing on the radio.

  625. Skullturf Q. Beavispants
    July 13th, 2007 at 12:55 pm [Reply]

    #622 andreavis — so you’re saying you like threads, but not when they get fuzzy?

  626. Nate Bush, Pirate PHD
    July 13th, 2007 at 12:57 pm [Reply]

    #622 DON’T GIVE UP! You must hope! We must reBraid this thread to be a neat, Gail Martinish hairdo.

  627. Dingo
    July 13th, 2007 at 1:01 pm [Reply]

    Allie Cat, I lost my virginity under my parents’ ping-pong table in the basement while Gail Martin’s “Smell the Sunshine” album was playing. I believe ejaculation happened somewhere around the second chorus of “Knicker Twist.”

  628. Winnie Winkle
    July 13th, 2007 at 1:01 pm [Reply]

    #623 sorry about the double tour post…

  629. Dingo
    July 13th, 2007 at 1:02 pm [Reply]

    Nate, I believe Gail Martinesque is the preferred instead of Gail Martinish.

  630. Skullturf Q. Beavispants
    July 13th, 2007 at 1:05 pm [Reply]

    I prefer Gail Martinique.

  631. John C Fremont
    July 13th, 2007 at 1:06 pm [Reply]

    I tried to comment on The Foob early this morning, but my computer borked out. Even my work computer is borking up and won’t let me search this site for the word “borked” and I only have five minutes before I have to go back to borking work. That’s too bad, because I was really looking forward to saying “borked.” Just like the Swedish Chef. Bork, bork, bork! Bork – It’s what’s for dinner. Bork – The other white meat. I love the smell of bork in the morning. Bork: The Musical. Starring Bjork. Theodoric of Bork. Gotta go back to work.

    Bork, everybody!

  632. mere cog in the machine
    July 13th, 2007 at 1:06 pm [Reply]

    #600: You stop that crazyman talk or you’ve preened your last mole, fella!

  633. Allie Cat
    July 13th, 2007 at 1:07 pm [Reply]

    #627 – Dingo – when I was a local university student, all it took for a guy to seduce me was a splash of Drakkar Noir, a dark corner and Gail Martin cassette (this was pre CD era). I was an especial fan of her island music tribute compilation – “Martinique”

  634. True Fable
    July 13th, 2007 at 1:09 pm [Reply]

    #604: Alas, Roopville is a real town, but Greater Metropolitan Roopville is not on the map anywhere! It would gladly be a Gail Martin venue!

    What would you expect from someone with my moniker?

  635. Dennis Jimenez
    July 13th, 2007 at 1:13 pm [Reply]

    I was one of the original Martinets – I’ve still got the whip, strings and the ears.

  636. Daktari
    July 13th, 2007 at 1:13 pm [Reply]

    This thread should be ending soon. Josh just got done on the Wonkette

  637. Dingo
    July 13th, 2007 at 1:16 pm [Reply]

    Allie Cat, strange but true, when I was a local university student, all it took for a guy to seduce me was a splash of Drakkar Noir, a dark corner, and Pabst Blue Ribbon. The Gail Martin album (yes, album) or cassette was just icing on his well-lubricated cake.

  638. gh
    July 13th, 2007 at 1:16 pm [Reply]

    MonkeyHawk

    MIA or helping Mitzi with a wardrobe malfunction? Inquiring minds want to know.

  639. mere cog in the machine
    July 13th, 2007 at 1:16 pm [Reply]

    #624: Allie Cat, Gail Martin didn’t just cover ‘Whiter Shade of Pale’, she played hammond organ on the original! Procol Harem denied her royalties for years! Recently, an appeals court decided in her favor and she now receives the monies she so richly deserves. The rumour that Gary Brooker awoke one morning to find his little Jack Russel terrier under the blanket, dead, with a blood-soaked braid wrapped around his throat is simply vicious and unfounded.

  640. Dingo
    July 13th, 2007 at 1:20 pm [Reply]

    Y’know, I’m going to be disappointed when Josh ends this embroidered thread. I’ve truly enjoyed all of the Gail Martin stories and do believe she deserves a t-shirt.

  641. Gabe
    July 13th, 2007 at 1:20 pm [Reply]

    I guess we could put Prickly City on that list, too.

  642. Gabe
    July 13th, 2007 at 1:21 pm [Reply]

    Pluggerville? Is that official, or something we made up?

  643. Josh
    July 13th, 2007 at 1:22 pm [Reply]

    #636 Daktari — sadly, my cruel taskmasters over at Wonkette like me to send in my column in advance, so I usually write it Thursday night. That’s one of the reasons I was too sleepy to do today’s comics at 1 am like I originally planned.

    It’s looking more like 4-5 for today, folks, I’m just warning you. Keep hope alive!

    Josh

  644. Skullturf Q. Beavispants
    July 13th, 2007 at 1:23 pm [Reply]

    WE BELIEVE IN YOU JOSH! Keep on “Plugging” away!

  645. Allie Cat
    July 13th, 2007 at 1:23 pm [Reply]

    #637 – Dingo- PBR! The first alcohol I bought on my 21st birthday! So classy. On draft, it’s actually delicious!

    #639 – Mere Cog -I had no idea that was Gail! The organ makes the song! I’d heard something about the bloodied puppy, but I never knew she was implicated.

  646. Nate Bush, Pirate PHD
    July 13th, 2007 at 1:25 pm [Reply]

    I am glad to see that other people may recognize me when i walk down in my best pair of Birkenstocks, a tan stain-resistant skirt down to my knees, showing off my white and tan plaid socks pulled up to my calfs but still ever so slightly bunched, with a generic brand polo shirt, an off white sort of color, tucked into my skirt, moving with my fake chest as I clutch my braid to my heart and waltz down the street.

  647. Dingo
    July 13th, 2007 at 1:28 pm [Reply]

    Nate Bush: Gail Martin impersonator or crazed fan?

  648. Gail Martin
    July 13th, 2007 at 1:33 pm [Reply]

    My dear, loyal fans;

    Thank you! You have kept my Braid going longer than I had ever dreamed. This thread, with it’s new life expectancy, is still going to end… However, my loving friends, you will always have this embroidered thread woven into your hair as you rhythmatically move the end bunches over the middle, creating something to live for.

    Martinesque, Martineque, Martinish, and Martinets, stand together. Well, Martinish can stand over there, but the other three can unite, just as my hair. Never give up hope, and remember, love without restraints.

  649. Nate Bush, Pirate PHD
    July 13th, 2007 at 1:35 pm [Reply]

    647 (Ate Gail’s Baby) – Hun, it’s called drag. Impersonating would be if I imitated her in hopes people thought I was her. I was just borrowing her look for a few nights on the town.

  650. The Divine O’F
    July 13th, 2007 at 1:36 pm [Reply]

    638 gh: Yes, I meant to mention that I haven’t seen Monkeyhawk in a while. Maybe he and willethompson are off somewhere in another dimension with GEC. Seriously, does anybody correspond in non-cyber life with these guys? For all we know one or both of them tripped on a pile of snark and is lying there helpless, waiting for someone to call 911.

    What about Crete, Nebraska? Or did someone already mention that?

  651. Dingo
    July 13th, 2007 at 1:40 pm [Reply]

    Curious trivia: Gail Martin played Bob’s dinner date in Michael Nesmith’s Sorority Girls from Hell. It seems that she and Nesmith were thisclose back in the late 70′s after Nicolette Larson stole some of her songwriting ideas.

  652. Calico
    July 13th, 2007 at 1:40 pm [Reply]

    #604 – please of please don’t forget Mtigwacko!
    Don’t cry for me, Lynn Johnston…

  653. Paperback Rifler
    July 13th, 2007 at 1:42 pm [Reply]

    And speaking of Gail Martin in the movies, wasn’t she a Bond girl in one of the James Bond films? I seem to recall that she was a SPECTRE agent who could swing around her long braid to incapacitate opponents in hand-to-hairdo combat. That didn’t stop 007 from seducing her, though; I think that there was a fireplace and brandy, and James quipped before the discreet cutaway, “Why don’t I help you get untressed.” Oh, that Bond! Such a silver-tongued devil!

  654. mere cog in the machine
    July 13th, 2007 at 1:43 pm [Reply]

    # 647: Nate, I served with Gail Martin, I knew Gail Martin, Gail Martin was a friend of mine. Nate, you are no Gail Martin!

  655. gh
    July 13th, 2007 at 1:44 pm [Reply]

    #650 The Divine O’F

    willethompson is fine and toiling over a new batch of wings.

  656. queek
    July 13th, 2007 at 1:46 pm [Reply]

    ok, who else noticed the “Dune” reference in Pibgorn today?

    hint: book 3.

  657. Nate Bush, Pirate PHD
    July 13th, 2007 at 1:47 pm [Reply]

    #654 (Mere in the machine) – I am the best Gail Dragqueen! You should see me do body shots off of A list celebrities. They are always like “I know you aren’t her, but damn, you are just like her!”

    To bad I don’t drink anymore. Barbra Walters’ navel left a minty aftertaste.

  658. TurtleBoy
    July 13th, 2007 at 1:49 pm [Reply]

    #621 Skullturf: It was an inspired moment.

  659. True Fable
    July 13th, 2007 at 1:51 pm [Reply]

    Okay, I’m going to tell you all why I’m awake right now, and I would not tell anyone else this but you of all people might understand. God knows I ain’t telling it to my co-workers, geez.

    I dreamed I was walking down a church aisle, and I realized I was the bride. Stay with me now, I know, but – yeah, the bride. All the faces were the most god-awful cartoon faces drawn, but none of them recognizable but they were vaguely familiar. I said aloud, “Wait, this is wrong on so many terms.”
    Then I realized we were under a tent and I saw a Hoo-Boy in the seats (holding a word balloon with “Hoo” on it, the only one with a word balloon, everything else had real sound) I looked in front of me, and there was Granthony sans smoustache. I realized then that I was supposedly Liz Patterson, and I started yelling and trying to back up and fight to get away. “No, this is not right, this is not real, see, this is a dream anyway” but it was like I was on a conveyor belt.
    Oh, but there’s more.
    I noticed Michael was a bridesmaid. I stopped and laughed at that, but the conveyor belt lurched forward and I heard what I took to be Lynn Johnston’s voice in my ear say, “your worst nightmare, asshole.”
    And more.
    I kept yelling, “You have the wrong asshole, I am True Fable, I am not Liz” but right next to me just then was John in his engineer’s hat, with that vacuous smile of his. I started cussing up a blue streak at him, at Granthony, at Lynn, everyone, but we kept moving forward. I tried to hike up my dress and make a hillbilly dash for it, but I couldn’t get hold of the fabric and my feet were stuck to the conveyor belt.
    And then the worst, the absolute worst, happened.
    There seated on the front row, I recognized The Bun. Slowly, Sam Peckinpaw-ishly, Elly turned around and smiled at me, and it was THAT SMILE. You all know what one:
    The Short-Packed smile
    , complete with vacant round eyes and extra-foobish mouth, that FACE grinned at me like some kind of macabre death’s-head.
    I woke up in a sweat with a grunt and a fling of the covers.

    Sweet Mother Mary, make it stop!

  660. Joel
    July 13th, 2007 at 1:51 pm [Reply]

    #653
    She is the only actor to play both a Bond girl and a Bond villain in consecutive movies. You remember the scene where she tried to suffocate Sean Connery by implanting him in a giant rising bubble? That’s where Patrick McGoohan got the idea for the Prisoner.

  661. mere cog in the machine
    July 13th, 2007 at 1:58 pm [Reply]

    659: True Fable, old son, I sympathize with your horrific plight, but the sad truth is you baited her, and baited her….and now she is inside your head. Good God, man, did you think Lynn Johnston was just some ordinary mortal that you could toy with? She has lived for countless centuries, sucking the life out her victims, and you thought summoning her was some sort of JOKE?? The only one that can help you now is a priest. Good luck, and God bless.

  662. Paperback Rifler
    July 13th, 2007 at 1:59 pm [Reply]

    And apropos of very little, except today’s episode of The Foob Housening Follies, all this “bork” talk made me think about the Swedish Chef from the Muppets. Were he able to speak English rather than just mock Swedish, maybe he could have done a little ditty about today’s Foob thusly:

    Fridge is on the fritz;
    With ants and squirrels, we’re overrun;
    And now the sump pump has gone,
    “Børk! Børk! Børk!”

    Or not. Also the “eeekah skweeka” sound effect in the third panel put me in mind of the following. Apologies to the Beatles and everybody everywhere:

    When I step in the hallway,
    There’s a squeak in the midst of the floor;
    And the sump pump is trash,
    Yeah, it’s totally borked;
    Then I climb to the attic:
    There are squirrels again!
    Yeah, yeah, yeah!

    Now do you, don’t you love our new train house?
    It’s falling down fast; Mr. Stibbs was a louse.
    Tell me, what you talkin’ ’bout, now, girl?
    And who knew our attic was so full of squirrels?

    Eeekah skweeka!
    Eeekah skweeka!
    Eeekah skweeka!
    Yeah!

    Now will you, won’t you say “I told you so”?
    This place is just a pit, it’s a gaping cash hole.
    Tell me, what you talkin’ ’bout, now, girl?
    And who knew our attic was so full of squirrels?

    Look out! Eeekah skweeka!
    Eeekah skweeka!
    Eeekah skweeka!
    Yeah! Look out!

    . . . I got blisters on my fingers! (It’s probably from all that sheet shaving. Hey, that thing isn’t still recording, is it?)

  663. gh
    July 13th, 2007 at 2:01 pm [Reply]

    It seems like I just got back and – Melkardammit! – I’m off to Cades Cove for 5 days camping and hiking in the Great Smokies. Evenings, you can catch my act at the cocktail lounge just off the main room at the lodge – Mark Trail impersonations, ubiquiduck calls, that sort of woodsy humor. Stop in for a drink. No way will I catch up on all the comments, so I expect to see an executive summary on my desk first thing next Thursday morning. And no pie charts! I hate pie charts. If I like what I see, maybe I’ll tell you my “Puff, The Magic Dragon” story. Not that one, sicko. The Peter, Paul and Mary version.

    fizzy logic and Poteet – I will try to time my reentry orbit for maximum geosynchronicity.

    Play nice as always!

  664. Trotzenbonnie
    July 13th, 2007 at 2:04 pm [Reply]

    Back in the early 80′s, a Gail Martin interview on NPR was briefly interrupted when Nina Totenberg thought she was fielding a call-in question from a “Fern Q. of Ames, Iowa” but it was really Stuttering John who managed to blurt out before being cut off, “Did you ever f-f-f-fart in the drummer’s face?”

  665. Trotzenbonnie
    July 13th, 2007 at 2:05 pm [Reply]

    gh –
    No pie charts? How about a tuna casserole chart?

  666. True Fable
    July 13th, 2007 at 2:10 pm [Reply]

    #661 mere cog – Boy, you ain’t a-woofin, Jack! But if I give in now and stop baiting, she wins. However, if I keep on baiting, she wins, evidently.
    My local parish priest may not be much help. He’ll suggest I find a new hobby but his is drag racing a hot-rod Mustang, which means he won’t find my hobby weird but his is much less nightmare inducing. Maybe he knows some old priest who has exorcised teh evil that is Lynn before….

  667. Skullturf Q. Beavispants
    July 13th, 2007 at 2:13 pm [Reply]

    666 posts on Friday the 13th!

  668. Nate Bush, Pirate PHD
    July 13th, 2007 at 2:14 pm [Reply]

    #666 Oooo, Scary!

  669. dimestore lipstick
    July 13th, 2007 at 2:19 pm [Reply]

    Bizarro: Yeah, but do they carry margos, Saturns, and Boxcars?

    Foob: Reminded me of the old Comedy Central show “Viva Variety”. They once had a game show segment where a contesant would be asked to answer by placing references into one of four categories–”Mork, Bjork, Bork, or Pork”. I guess we know which category the sump pump falls into.

  670. Skullturf Q. Beavispants
    July 13th, 2007 at 2:21 pm [Reply]

    Strictly speaking, this has more to do with comic book superheroes as opposed to daily newspaper strips, but I’m sure many of you will find it entertaining.

  671. mere cog in the machine
    July 13th, 2007 at 2:27 pm [Reply]

    And of course the 666th post dealt with exorcism! Sweet!

  672. Blake
    July 13th, 2007 at 2:30 pm [Reply]

    For all of you Lynn apologists out there, it doesn’t matter if “borked” is real slang or not, she has forfeited her right to use slang. She has misused and abused it too often.

  673. The Divine O’F
    July 13th, 2007 at 2:32 pm [Reply]

    655 gh: So he’s fine but he doesn’t love us any more? And gh–have a nice vacation. No pie charts, not even cherry.

  674. Calico
    July 13th, 2007 at 2:41 pm [Reply]

    #667 – It’s Mary Worth’s fault, as always.

  675. mere cog in the machine
    July 13th, 2007 at 2:43 pm [Reply]

    671: Lynn Johnston is to slang as Neville Chamberlain is to strong, aggressive leadership. She is a bumbling fool who nonetheless unashamedly puts it out there because her enormous ego cannot conceive that she is anything but hip. She has most assuredly forfeited her right to use it, and should be flayed alive for her past transgressions. As to Lynn apologists on this site, the only one I can think of at the moment is Little A., and even his orthodoxy is beginning to look quite precarious.

  676. Skullturf Q. Beavispants
    July 13th, 2007 at 2:49 pm [Reply]

    “Lynn Johnston is to slang as Neville Chamberlain is to strong, aggressive leadership.”

    Awesome. That’s one of the best remarks among these over 650 comments.

    However, let me meekly point out that some authors might make a deliberate choice to use invented slang, rather than actual slang, in order to avoid having their strips look dated when they are reprinted later in book form.

    Granted, this just replaces the problem of looking dated later with the problem of looking plain stupid from day one.

  677. Buck Ripsnort
    July 13th, 2007 at 2:52 pm [Reply]

    The only thing I will say about FOOB today is that my ex and I lived with (not “owned”) a Turkish Van cat named “Squeek”. Who, cometothinkofit, used to hunt squirrels in the attic.

  678. bats :[
    July 13th, 2007 at 2:57 pm [Reply]

    I am mystified by Pibgorn. Evidently the unicorn drugs have been doubled and moved over into this strip from 9CL.

    Except I’ve discovered that if you rearrange the letters in Aldo Kelrast, it comes up Gail Martin (aside from the d, o, k, e and l, which spell some kind of FOOBian sound effect).

  679. Buck Ripsnort
    July 13th, 2007 at 2:58 pm [Reply]

    And the Gail Martin masturbation rumors are a VICIOUS LIE!! She had a rash at the time, and THAT was what she was doing w/ that garden rake!

  680. zeeba
    July 13th, 2007 at 3:05 pm [Reply]

    #669 dlipstick: If they did carry margos, would they be little shrunken Margo heads, or a pair of finger-quoters????

    Hey, it’s me, zeeba, back from a self-imposed vacation from the blogs. I was so depressed from the inevitable FOOB stuff last week, I just couldn’t bring myself over here. Is there NOTHING to look forward to in FOOBville????

  681. Perky Bird
    July 13th, 2007 at 3:08 pm [Reply]

    679– Welcome back, zeeba! I thought the Mexican wrestling crocs had finally gotten the better of you!

  682. AhClem
    July 13th, 2007 at 3:16 pm [Reply]

    #659 True Fable,
    Despite your frequent protestations to the contrary, I think you secretly want Lynn Johnston as much as she wants you. At least, that’s what it says here on page 58 of “Dream Interpretation for Dummies.”

  683. reader-who-posts
    July 13th, 2007 at 3:22 pm [Reply]

    #681 – I had a dream last night, too. In it a bunch of hot dogs were chasing donuts around in a circle. Can you interpret that for me?

  684. AhClem
    July 13th, 2007 at 3:28 pm [Reply]

    Here’s a really obscure tidbit for you Gail Martin fans. Do you recall “Tarzana-Rama!”, the exercise video she did in 1978? I found a dusty copy while cleaning the basement last week. It belonged to my (now ex-)wife; she apparently left it behind when she moved out. It didn’t sell very well, probably because Gail was very overweight at the time, and could barely reach down and touch her knees. Kinda defeats the point of an exercise video. Still, she could really whip her hair around, which was of course the inspiration for Todd Rundgren’s mega-hit “Swing that Braid!”

    My Betamax player bit the dust many years ago, so there’s no way I can watch it again. Maybe I’ll try to sell it on eBay.

    (Hollywood trivia: Gail’s weight problem was an asset when she was cast in a re-make of “Three in the Attic” with Totie Fields, Roseanne Barr and John Goodman. Sadly, due to financial and structural problems, the film was never completed).

  685. Uncle Lumpy
    July 13th, 2007 at 3:36 pm [Reply]

    #682 reader –

    You have discovered the chemical structure of benzene!

  686. Dr. Laura
    July 13th, 2007 at 3:37 pm [Reply]

    Josh:

    Gail Martin photo contest pleeease! You won’t have to spend much time at all formulating your next post. Just launch it! I’ll be the first one in line to buy the spinoff T-shirt!

  687. Anonymous
    July 13th, 2007 at 4:21 pm [Reply]

    I’m surprised no one’s mentioned that Gail originally spelled her name “Gaile” but the suits at EMI made her change it.

    Man, talk about your backstage parties. They don’t call it “Martinizing” for nothin’…

  688. Bootsy
    July 13th, 2007 at 4:25 pm [Reply]

    There is a shift in the force of darkness, and it hovers over Roopville. Look out, Roopville Kid!

    I agree with Mere Cog; you brung it on yourself. Though I got to admit I was a little turned on by your sexy taunting of the evil one.

    did I just post that out loud?

  689. Mamzelle Hepzibah
    July 13th, 2007 at 6:40 pm [Reply]

    #49–I laughed just at your putting quotes around “the ‘people’ in Gil Thorpe.”

  690. the goob
    July 13th, 2007 at 8:42 pm [Reply]

    A friend of mine had an eskimo cook book. I only remember two recipes.
    First, Eskimo Ice Cream. Take seal blubber. Put outside til it freezes. Shave bits off into a pile. If you’re lucky you have some frozen berries around you can toss in. Enjoy.
    Second, I can’t remember the title but this recipe was considered a delicacy.
    Take Walrus flipper. Bury in ground. Leave for several months. Dig up. Scrape off fur. Enjoy.

  691. Skulking on the Outskirts
    July 13th, 2007 at 11:38 pm [Reply]

    607, Skullturf Q. Beavispants–Milford, CT, is definitely a real place. I sort of grew up there, among other places (we moved around a lot). My mother grew up there, and we lived there from summer of ’67 until fall of ’75. As I recall, it didn’t look any more surreal than any other place in the late ’60s-early ’70s. I don’t know how it got Scaduto-ized since then. Funny, I remember reading ‘They’ll Do It…etc.’ way back then, and it seems to me that the style of the artwork hasn’t changed much, if at all.

    Ahhh….childhood memories. ‘Scuse me, I think I need to go find a nice private place to scream for a few minutes.

  692. Visaman
    July 14th, 2007 at 4:15 am [Reply]

    572. Are you sure that wasn’t Lucinda Williams puking in the Alley?

  693. johnny culver
    July 14th, 2007 at 11:07 pm [Reply]

    That is not Gail Martin. That is Bette Davis performing on Johnny Carson back in the 70′s.”Tarzana Nights” is her version of “The Night They Put Old Joan Crawford Down”, with Joan Armatrading backing her up. If you look behnd her clutched hands, you will find a pack of Pall Malls in her chest pocket. Geez, how out of touch people are these days.

  694. Forthillrox
    July 15th, 2007 at 1:24 am [Reply]

    # 387 Matt McIrvin In 2002 Gail Martin was working as an assistant human resources coordinator at eQUX (formerly Geryon Integration Technologies) in North Billerica, Mass…

    Oh. My. God. That was Gail Martin that I used to see regularly on the MBTA 350 Bus, she used to get on at Woburn Four Corners and go to the end of the line in Burlington and transfer to the LRTA bus to Lowell via Billerica. I never transfered to the Lowell bus, so I didn’t know where she got off, but I would occasionally see her in LaCascia’s Bakery when there was enough time between buses for her to run an errand. I was such a big fan of hers when I was 13-16 or so, in the late ’80s. I am kicking myself for never thanking her for making such life changing music (I even forgave her for that song she recorded with Captain and Tennille). That’s the best thing since my dad told me that he used to ride the old Lowell-Burlington-Kendall Square-Downtown Boston bus with Betty Davis’s sister in the 1970s.

  695. trooper6
    July 15th, 2007 at 8:03 am [Reply]

    I’m really frustrated with all this “selling out” talk on this message board.

    People started calling Gail a sellout when she went electric, and then two years later when Dylon went electric in homage they called him a sellout too.

    Gail has never been a sellout, she has always been a musical genious. For heaven’s sake, she’s the Rock’n’Roll Carole King! Her musical style is always changing because she is always at the forefront of the musical world. If she really were a sellout, she never would have left the Brill Building or The Wings!

    And seriously? Her disco stuff was great! I mean, Georgio Moroder got his entire style from her.

    I’m a Musicologist, and I’m writing my Dissertation on Gail in the late 70s/early 80s–I’ll be arguing that Eurodisco, Krautrock, Experimental Disco, Experimental Rock and Progressive Rock all can be traced back to Gail Martin’s Breezes, Freezes, and Diseases protest album of 1967.

    People she went electric…on the banjo! Decades before it was done by others. I was in Berkeley attending a Bela Fleck concert, and he related a story that all of Newgrass was because of Gail…and then he and the Flecktones did a crazy be-bopish jam on “Tarzana Nights.”

    By the way…there was a Gail 45 that came out and then was recalled by her record company in 1966…the A side was her “Garden Parties don’t stop the Shingles,” and the B side was a version of Tarzan in Yiddish…does anyone have a copy? I’ll trade…

  696. Theominousoat
    July 15th, 2007 at 9:56 am [Reply]

    No more Kudzu?

    http://gocomics.typepad.com/laughtracks/

    I love the irony of this news story being in the “laughtracks” section.

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