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Josh explains how to be funny

Shoe and Get Fuzzy, 7/22/07

If you are a subscriber to the Baltimore Sun, you saw this precise constellation of quasipolitical comics when you opened your paper this morning. Both seem to be aimed at the same problem: making a relatively gentle joke about politics that isn’t actually political, and doesn’t result in dozens of angry letters to the editor. And, while usually I go on about just about everything at great length, the most important thing I can say here is that Get Fuzzy is funny, while Shoe isn’t. Shoe falls into the typical toothless trap of just saying “THE POLITICS AREN’T THEY ANNOYING?”, literally allowing the discussion to be replaced by meaningless placeholder syllables. Get Fuzzy works with established character traits — Bucky and Satchel’s party affiliations have been frequently noted, whereas I don’t believe Shoe and the Perfesser had political beliefs until they became necessary for this cartoon. Plus Get Fuzzy contains actual political jokes that are funny. I love the third-party punchline, but I love “Well, with the proper funding…” even more.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 7/22/07

“I can assure you, I am not without qualities! I have a certain height, for instance, as well as a certain breadth and depth! I occupy volume in space! I have a certain skin color, and wear clothing, and inhale air and breathe out carbon dioxide! I have quantities, too, if you’d care to hear about them!”

With his constant wavering between unbearable upper-class superciliousness and desperate, raw emotional need, I’m frankly shocked that Hugh has somehow managed to remain a bachelor to this point.

Marvin, 7/22/07

Marvin celebrated its 25th anniversary this past week with a series of painfully unfunny jokes about life in that long-lost age known as “1982.” (Dallas was on TV! Ronald Reagan was president! HA HA! STOP, YOU’RE KILLING ME!) Today, Marvin the baby appears on the set of the Tonight Show to exchange painfully unfunny jokes with Jay Leno. The fact that Jay Leno is, in fact, painfully unfunny in real life does lead one to wonder whether the lameness on display here is meant to be a brutally realistic exploration of what it would be like if a cartoon infant were on the Tonight Show. Frankly, I wish that they had carried on with the “life in 1982″ conceit and done the interview with Johnny Carson, though presumably even after his death he has too much dignity to appear in Marvin.

Extremely creepy to me is the way that Jay Leno keeps his mouth shut throughout his unfunny dialog. The fact that Marvin keeps his own mouth shut and communicates with Jay (and, presumably, the viewers at home) telepathically via thought balloons for whatever reason doesn’t faze me at all, but seeing that lantern jaw firmly shut while the usual inane patter floats next to his head in a word balloon unsettles me a great deal. I do like the fact that Marvin’s bottle has been placed completely out of reach of his stubby arms, though.

Mary Worth, 7/22/07

I can totally understand why Dawn was so nervous to offer this revelation up to Drew. After all, it’s totally possible that the good doctor was only on going on this date with her so that he could synchronize his retrochronometer onto her current form and then go back in time five years to date her past her self — wouldn’t it be disappointing if he had gone through all that trouble only to return to the present in disgust? Thank God he’s only interested in dating the beautiful swan Dawn of the here and now. Look at the lovely visage in the final panel — the octogonal face, the bright orange roots. You can see why he wants to “get into the saddle” right away!

Slylock Fox, 7/22/07

OH COME ON, SLYLOCK! We’ve moved from ludicrous acts of deduction to petty attempts to come up with ways that that Cassandra might be committing crimes despite the absence of any evidence. “Do they both have ticket stubs? They might have just torn a single ticket in half! Did they pay for those tickets with cash? They might have stolen that cash from a bank, or an old lady, or an orphanage!” I think we all know why Slylock is harassing this poor woman while she’s trying to enjoy an innocent evening out at the movies with her bovine companion. I can’t wait for the inevitable strip where Slylock uses his infallible crime-fighting skills to avoid the process server with the restraining order.

143 responses to “Josh explains how to be funny”

  1. commodorejohn
    July 22nd, 2007 at 6:37 pm [Reply]

    Nicely done. I particularily like the Slylock comment.

  2. Trilobite
    July 22nd, 2007 at 6:39 pm [Reply]

    If I ever waver in my resolve to not read Marvin, I’m going to remember this post.

    25 years of this? Really? Isn’t it time we were paroled?

  3. Kurdt
    July 22nd, 2007 at 6:40 pm [Reply]

    I’m 21 so Marvin is four years older than me. Thats kind of creepy. Maybe he’s some kind of alien creature that people mistake for a baby, he puts people to sleep with lame jokes and then eats their brains. Yup, thats got to be it.

  4. Aminafo
    July 22nd, 2007 at 6:42 pm [Reply]

    I think Jay Leno’s dead, dead eyes creeped me out the most.

  5. Jeremy
    July 22nd, 2007 at 6:43 pm [Reply]

    When I read Get Fuzzy, I always imagine how my older brother would’ve turned out if we were animals. I believe it would be much of the same, but I would less wit coming from my brother.
    ZING! TAKE THAT STEFAN!

  6. Mac
    July 22nd, 2007 at 6:43 pm [Reply]

  7. Jeremy
    July 22nd, 2007 at 6:44 pm [Reply]

    I menat my older brother and I. Crap. Less Zing…..

  8. The Spectacular Spider-Brick
    July 22nd, 2007 at 6:45 pm [Reply]

    Hey Josh, howzabout if tomorrow you run some of the strips you never mention, like F Minus, Quigmans, Boffo, Edison Lee and Redeye, under the header “Josh Explains How Not to Be Funny.”

  9. Trotzenbonnie
    July 22nd, 2007 at 6:47 pm [Reply]

    MARY WORTH – Dawn does her best Katherine Ross impersonation in panel 6 which makes her somewhat of a babe if you’ve just exited a time machine set for the year 1967. http://www.independentcritics.com/images/graduate%20SPLASH.jpg

  10. Trotzenbonnie
    July 22nd, 2007 at 6:48 pm [Reply]

    I can’t believe I killed the last thread with a rant about constipation.

  11. Sharktattoo
    July 22nd, 2007 at 6:49 pm [Reply]

    I am entirely convinced that that is not hair on Dawn’s head, but instead a very thin helmet, something akin to what you might see in Flash Gordon. Perhaps that is why she uses quote marks so badly-she is from the ‘future’, and in the ‘future’ they ‘all’ throw ‘quote marks’ around like ‘candy’, or perhaps ‘confetti’.

  12. Uncle Lumpy
    July 22nd, 2007 at 6:49 pm [Reply]

    #10 Trotz –

    Thanks for the relief — couldn’t’ve been easy for you, with the suds, and the hose, and all!

  13. Ron Hogan
    July 22nd, 2007 at 6:50 pm [Reply]

    I got a nickel says it’s going to turn out Dawn has had tons and tons of plastic surgery, at which point Mary will say, “Well, why on earth didn’t you consult a hairstylist while you were at it, dear?”

  14. odinthor
    July 22nd, 2007 at 6:51 pm [Reply]

    MW — “But . . . but . . . but, Drew, if I weren’t just trying to get into your boxers, I’d point out that ‘around in awareness’ actually potentially includes ‘look back in anger’ and ‘forward in fear’. You see, doctor, ‘around’ means . . . um, oh, I just get all giddy when you look into my eyes like that, Drew . . . and ‘awareness’ . . . well . . . um . . . oh, to hell with it, just kiss me with those pretty-boy lips, baby!”

    Is the aging couple in the next-to-last panel a vision of what Drew and Dawn will look like as a couple in about forty years? Note well and ponder, D and D!

  15. Partial Mole
    July 22nd, 2007 at 6:52 pm [Reply]

    I think one of Hugh Avery’s many qualities will turn out to be undiagnosed multiple-personality disorder.

  16. Artist formerly known as Ben
    July 22nd, 2007 at 6:53 pm [Reply]

    And you thought Larry King in Spider-Man was badly drawn. Doesn’t even compare to the Marvin-ified Leno. Thank God they didn’t go with Letterman. I actually like Dave, and wouldn’t want to see him smiling bravely through the three-foot gap Armstrong would have put in his teeth.

  17. The Divine O’F
    July 22nd, 2007 at 6:55 pm [Reply]

    Excellent post, Josh. Today is the first time I ever actually read SF in the paper, and the answer to the puzzle was so easy, I thought “Is THIS what they’re all yapping about all the time? I must have missed something.”

    Good to know I didn’t.

    Goodnight, all. See you in the AM.

  18. Trilobite
    July 22nd, 2007 at 6:56 pm [Reply]

    The Marvin-ified Leno looks a lot like it was drawn by one of the cariciaturists who ekes out a living on the boardwalk.

    Only maybe not as professional.

  19. Chris
    July 22nd, 2007 at 6:56 pm [Reply]

    Dawn is “ready to get back in the saddle” again.

    Meaning, go cowgirl.

    Because you have to make up for “unfortunate adolescence” or whatever somehow.

    And, by “somehow” we mean ridin’ doctors.

  20. commodorejohn
    July 22nd, 2007 at 6:57 pm [Reply]

    I second Spider-Brick’s suggestion.

  21. Mr. Groovy
    July 22nd, 2007 at 6:57 pm [Reply]

    Slylock Fox: “How Many Things Start With the Letter B”?

    Well, it looks like the goat is boning the pig. Boning starts with a “B”. Does that count?

  22. Uncle Lumpy
    July 22nd, 2007 at 6:59 pm [Reply]

    RMMD — Nice suit on Hugh, though the shoulder pads wouldn’t be so thick if it were really English. Maybe this is his factory suit. Anyway, I’m likin’ the pocket square.

    June: either give up paintball, or change when you get home.

  23. Poteet
    July 22nd, 2007 at 6:59 pm [Reply]

    As an Iowan who is constantly getting phone calls begging me to reveal which of the candidates now stumping around Iowa pretending to love corn most appeals to me, I recognize that GF would be funny if I were still capable of laughing at comics about presidential candidates. I’m not.

  24. Jamus The Bartender
    July 22nd, 2007 at 7:02 pm [Reply]

    Sunday FOOB: “How does it feel to be dating a guy who already has a child, Elizabeth?” “Great, Anthony. This mean’s we’ve got a family without having to resort to that awful sex.”

  25. Sili
    July 22nd, 2007 at 7:04 pm [Reply]

    On the subject of not being funny (me that is): Last link to Funny Farm. I’m pretty sure that’s the end of the arc. It sounds like denouement (I know noöne here finds it funny, but I have no reputation to ruin – nor any witty banter).

    I do like your analysis of Slylock Fox. Poor Kitty.

  26. Bitter Scribe
    July 22nd, 2007 at 7:05 pm [Reply]

    “…the real cause of global warming”?

    WTF?!?

    That line is so utterly inane, so pointless, that it exerts a strange fascination. Its sheer unfunnyness achieves a kind of Zen.

  27. John C Fremont
    July 22nd, 2007 at 7:07 pm [Reply]

    # 18 Trilobite – I was thinking more like today’s artist Josiah Vaughn, 15, of Senecaville, OH., except that young Josiah has talent. But then, is it possible to draw a flattering picture of Leno?

  28. Poteet
    July 22nd, 2007 at 7:11 pm [Reply]

    # 23 — Actually, of course, GF is not about presidential candidates. Sorry. Nowadays, I see the words “Republicans” and “Democrats” in a comic and my brain starts screaming and shuts off.

  29. Lizardmess
    July 22nd, 2007 at 7:12 pm [Reply]

    Foob: I just threw up a little.

    MW: I’m guessing in her “unfortunate adolescence,” Dawn looked something like the woman in panel three? She wishes.

  30. Trilobite
    July 22nd, 2007 at 7:12 pm [Reply]

    #27 John C. Fremont — Josiah Vaughn’s got some drawin’ chops, that’s for sure. Check out the look of smug self-adoration on that cat he drew. That cat’s got a story, you just know it.

    Now compare it to the bland, dead-eyed, unchanging emotionless smirk on all six panels of the Marvin-ified Leno…all in service of yet another stupid diaper joke.

  31. Dean Booth
    July 22nd, 2007 at 7:14 pm [Reply]

    #9 Trotz, Katherine Ross looks good even with Dawn’s hair.

  32. Harry Paratestes
    July 22nd, 2007 at 7:14 pm [Reply]

    GF: Satchel’s line is beautiful, it could be all-encompassing!

    RMMD:
    Hugh: You know, I’m not a bad person… I have friends who love me!
    June: Well, with the proper funding…

    MW:
    Drew: Now then, Dawn… you said you want to get “back in the saddle again”?
    Dawn: Well, with the proper funding…

  33. Woodrowfan
    July 22nd, 2007 at 7:19 pm [Reply]

    Is it just me, or did Slylock Fox just teach kids how to sneak into the movies without paying? What is this, the mirror-image of Crimestopper Textbook? What’a next, how to pick a lock on a school locker to rip off your classmates? How to make crystal meth with stuff in mom’s medicine cabinet? Jeeze, one sex scene and SF turns into GoodFurries!!

  34. Mat
    July 22nd, 2007 at 7:21 pm [Reply]

    Cassandra and Buford are seeing “Pirates Again 3″.

  35. Harry Paratestes
    July 22nd, 2007 at 7:22 pm [Reply]

    SSB
    You mentioned The Quigmans; man, that gets my vote as the ugliest strip drawn. Every character looks like the bastard hate-spawn of Gil Thorp and Bucky Katt.

  36. mark
    July 22nd, 2007 at 7:26 pm [Reply]

    Marvin: Really? Isn’t that like 9 diapers a day?

  37. Reynard Noir.
    July 22nd, 2007 at 7:28 pm [Reply]

    The ticket stubs were only the tip of the iceberg, my friend. It goes so much deeper…

  38. fishmorgjp
    July 22nd, 2007 at 7:29 pm [Reply]

    25 years of Marvin. 25 years of cowflop. A great big mountainous pile of cowflop… what an achievement. O happy day!

  39. mdrew
    July 22nd, 2007 at 7:34 pm [Reply]

    MW- So what I wanna know is… what word originally appeared in panel 5 that was so wrong that it was photoshopped out and replaced with “unhappy”?
    (See how it doesn’t quite fit in with the rest?)
    Was it “ugly”…
    “a loser”, maybe?

  40. cycling girl
    July 22nd, 2007 at 7:38 pm [Reply]

    #34 Mat: Actually (and I get that it really doesn’t matter), I’m pretty sure that Pirates Again is showing on screen 3.

  41. Artist formerly known as Ben
    July 22nd, 2007 at 7:38 pm [Reply]

    Thanks to SlyFox I now know how to draw a mean bug. Start with a scrawnly octopus outline, then draw wings in it. Top the whole thing off with the face of an old offensive darkie caricature.

  42. Skullturf Q. Beavispants
    July 22nd, 2007 at 7:42 pm [Reply]

    Sunday’s Slylock: I found something else that starts with B. It’s called Bob Weber already used this idea on Saturday.

    Also, item #2 in the scrambled list of things you find in a movie theatre is surely COP PORN.

  43. PD
    July 22nd, 2007 at 7:46 pm [Reply]

    Slylock Fox: Given the apparent viewing angle of the horrified raccoon and the accompanying position of the eagle’s posterior, not to mention the leering gaze of the frog, the action-word “SNATCH” is possibly the filthiest double-entendre I’ve yet seen employed in a Slylock Fox panel.

    Marvin: It’s a good thing I’m not high, because I’d probably waste about four hours trying to decide whether or not the nectarine-like blob floating in Marvin’s gaping maw is merely a mirage on the event horizon of a giant black hole of humor, from which no funny can ever escape.

  44. Trilobite
    July 22nd, 2007 at 7:47 pm [Reply]

    #42 Skullturf Q. Beavispants — I seem to remember that he’s used a “Cassandra Cat and Buford steal from the movie theater” caper already, too. I forget what their scam was last time…I think it was trying to get a refund using old movie stubs or something?

  45. Weasel Boy
    July 22nd, 2007 at 7:50 pm [Reply]

    So Dr. Drew is about to start a relationship with a woman who used to be ugly. Have the past few MW story lines been totally lame, or do they all just pale in comparison to Death of a Kelrast?

  46. AhClem
    July 22nd, 2007 at 7:54 pm [Reply]

    RMMD – Along with all of Hugh’s qualities listed by Josh, I understand he also went to the Local University. Being from the U.K., though, the proper expreasion would be “went to Local University.”

    #10 Trotzenbonnie -
    You stopped that sucker up really good!

  47. Stephanie
    July 22nd, 2007 at 7:55 pm [Reply]

    http://www.ohio.com/mld/ohio/entertainment/17524091.htm
    This is an article about Funky Winkerbean and the cancer storyline from the Akron Beacon Journal, entitled “Dying, 3 panels at a time.”

  48. TheMarc
    July 22nd, 2007 at 7:59 pm [Reply]

    Reading the newspaper version of Spider-Man is unbelievably painful for even a casual spider-fan like myself. It’s like watching your favorite actor attempt to perform Shakespeare after having half of his/her brain removed with an ice cream scoop.

    Also what is up with all the bandanna-wearing folk in SM recently? Does the hack that writes it think that Los Angeles is Pirate Land or something?
    And would that make New York City Ninjaville?

  49. Bobdog
    July 22nd, 2007 at 8:02 pm [Reply]

    I would tell Slylock to get out more, but this is obviously the consequence of that happening.

    Of course if Buford and Cassandra think they’re “scamming” anybody, the jokes on them — “Pirates Again” sucked ass.

  50. Trilobite
    July 22nd, 2007 at 8:04 pm [Reply]

    #48 TheMarc — If Apartment 3G is anything to go by, NYC is Zombietown.

  51. The Spectacular Spider-Brick
    July 22nd, 2007 at 8:04 pm [Reply]

    Trilobite @ 44: Wiley linked us to a preview of this Sunday’s strip a few weeks back, when we were wondering if we’d ever see her again, and I cooked up a plot to go with it. Maybe that’s what you’re remembering.

  52. Motorposus
    July 22nd, 2007 at 8:07 pm [Reply]

    #24 Jamus – Anthony’s swaying child-bearing hips portend future progeny, I fear.

    MW – Bright orange roots indeed!

    (Dean Booth, loved the saddle head!)

  53. Trilobite
    July 22nd, 2007 at 8:08 pm [Reply]

    #51 SS-B — That’s it. I knew I’d seen “Pirates Again” somewhere.

    I’m relieved, to tell you the truth. I respect Cassandra Cat too much to want to believe she’d try the same scam twice.

  54. Victor Von
    July 22nd, 2007 at 8:08 pm [Reply]

    Isn’t that “how many things begin with the letter B?” game just a test of imagination? I mean, sure, there’s bowl, bull, and bone. But maybe the dog’s name is Buster. The billy goat has a beard, and I’m pretty sure all the animals have butts.

  55. Lou Shumaker
    July 22nd, 2007 at 8:09 pm [Reply]

    Which is more pathetic?

    A) Working on a comic strip for 25 years and having to throw yourself your own anniversary party?

    B) Or drawing the Mary Worth strip, with its helmet hair and misaligned faces and awkward dialog and looking at the finished result with pride?

    Or do they all, to quote an old Steve Martin routine, finish their day’s work and sing out “But the most amazing thing is / I get paid for doiiiiigggg thisssssss.”

  56. AlmostAGhost
    July 22nd, 2007 at 8:11 pm [Reply]

    “Drew, don’t laugh at me, but I want to tell you before the food comes on our first date, that I’m horribly insecure because I used to be ugly 15 years ago.”

    What’s with the unnecessary honesty on a first date?

    Can’t wait for tomorrow when she tells him she’s already been imagining their wedding and babies, gambles on dogfights, and once killed a hobo.

  57. rich
    July 22nd, 2007 at 8:13 pm [Reply]

    What an egotistical statement! “I experienced many painful years before I ‘transformed’ into what you see now!”

  58. Little A.
    July 22nd, 2007 at 8:14 pm [Reply]

    Does anybody remember what syrup of ipecac is or am I once again indicating that I grew up in the 1950s?

    I would have said “dating myself” but that would have sounded like I couldn’t get female companionship.

    Maybe tomorrow the FOOBland telethon will began.

    Will April and her boyfriend kiss and make up? Will Rebeccah steal Gerald away?

    Will Mrs. Dingle show up and play a kazoo medley with 4-Evah and Eva??

    Does anybody care?

    Stay tuned.

  59. Raj
    July 22nd, 2007 at 8:14 pm [Reply]

    I think that Shoe is specifically ripping off a bit by Richard Jeni. So it’s the suicidal-comedian frosting on the spineless, pointlessly-anthropomorphized cake? Whatever, they made that cake on “Top Chef” last week, it looked delicious.

    I LOVE the angles at which June is holding that frying pan, the distinct look of fear in Hugh’s eyes. I imagine she’s wiping it clean of blood that belonged to the last idiot she “wrote off.” Although I don’t know why she’s going to the trouble of mixing metaphors: you’re about to murder him with a pan, to “pan” means to criticize, isn’t that clever enough? (Or maybe she’s just used to stabbing people through the hearts with pencils. I understand how it’s hard to adapt your killphemisms.)

    Finally, if those “find the differences” panels in Slylock aren’t about rape, I don’t know WHAT is.

  60. r.,j
    July 22nd, 2007 at 8:15 pm [Reply]

    Do you really want Ann Coulter’s ad on your web page? She’s not as funny as Heathcliff.

  61. Trotzenbonnie
    July 22nd, 2007 at 8:15 pm [Reply]

    POTEET!
    I asked you a question in the last thread that was instigated by a comment you made in the prior thread but got lost when this thread abrubptly reared its brilliantly snarky head (If anyone can come up with a name for that from their embroidery classes I will kiss the ground you walk on…..) –

    POTEET – What the hell is in Japan that could be more interesting than the birthplace of Mamie Eisenhower?! ‘Hello Kitty’ crap isn’t that cute….But I’m happy to hear that CrabbyG is doing fine.

  62. Steve S
    July 22nd, 2007 at 8:16 pm [Reply]

    I usually find Get Fuzzy to be more clever than funny, but this one is solid–characterization, arc, and good jokes. Shoe, on the other hand (foot?), seems to be three or four separate weekday strips colorized and smashed together for Sunday.

  63. Trotzenbonnie
    July 22nd, 2007 at 8:18 pm [Reply]

    #58 – Little A.
    I had ipecac in my cupboard right next to the jar of charcoal and the Mr. Yuk stickers when my kid was a pup – he grew up in the 80′s.
    If you want to date yourself as a greaser baby, you need to talk about castor oil…..

  64. Plus a constant
    July 22nd, 2007 at 8:24 pm [Reply]

    Holy shit! Johnny Carson’s dead?

    I’m not trying to be funny here. I really didn’t know. And this is how I have to find out. Wow.

  65. chris
    July 22nd, 2007 at 8:30 pm [Reply]

    Am I a terrible person for hoping that Dawn’s adolescence was awkward because she was a guy?

  66. Dagger
    July 22nd, 2007 at 8:40 pm [Reply]

    I’m surprised you didn’t comment on Crankshaft in this whole gamut. In one panel, it appears that he’s about to brain the lot of the garden club with a shovel.

  67. Will
    July 22nd, 2007 at 8:40 pm [Reply]

    I like the chest hair and 1970s-esque apparel of Cassandra Cat’s date. It’s also good to know that the waist-unnaturally-thinner-than-your-head body standard isn’t limited to the comics’ human women, but also extends to the comics’ bovine men.

  68. Octal
    July 22nd, 2007 at 8:41 pm [Reply]

    Hugh “ha[s] friends who love him”?

    Yeah, I bet his mom thinks he’s cool, too. :’(

  69. Buck Ripsnort
    July 22nd, 2007 at 8:49 pm [Reply]

    So what Darby Conly is saying in Get Fuzzy is that dogs are dumb and sweet, like liberals, and cats are dumb and evil, like conservatives. Josh, shouldn’t you be writing about this on Cartoon Violence at Wonkette?

  70. Never teh Bride
    July 22nd, 2007 at 8:51 pm [Reply]

    I think what Dawn is trying to say is that she used to be named “Dan.”

  71. Jamus The Bartender
    July 22nd, 2007 at 8:55 pm [Reply]

    Personal Log: 7.22.07, Jamus T. Bartender, Ship’s Bartender and Personal Masseuse of the Tarzana Nights reporting.
    Well, things are getting a little tense up here….it was fun at first, but people are starting to complain a bit…their cat doesn’t like high altitudes, someone’s wife wants them to come back, yada yada yada….I think the trip to Funkyland, Ohio might have turned a few stomachs…I know it did mine.
    Anyway, GE Chennux landed the ship….he’s actually just the ship’s pilot now, but , as he’s the only one who can fly it, we call him Great Emperor Chennux. And feed him choice potatoes and syrup. The other folks here are good people. I like to call them organized religion’s answer to the Algonquin Round Table. Josh, Dingo, Spider-Brick and I have decided to walk to the nearest town to look for some unleaded—turns out the Tarzana Nights takes unleaded—priced under 3.20 a gallon. Good luck fellahs, i’m thinkin’.
    I pick up a paper in town. Dick Tracy…the “comic strip” Dick Tracy is still hunting down the cold-war commie who would look like Stalin would if they didn’t shoot formaldahyde into his veins. I know the truth. About two nights ago, en route to Anchorage, where the feds planned to hold Tracy’s trial, the truck suddenly overturned to avoid hitting a family of squirrels….I wonder for a moment if it’s the same family of squirrels Sheet Shaving Elly found in her new attic? Wheels within wheels…..
    The town we’re in seems pretty nice. Mostly anthromorphic animals….that’s “cartoon animals with human features” to you……smacking themselves with cartoon mallets and blowing themselves up with dynamite. Damn, I think. I always dug Tex Avery. And here was his world, brought to life. It reminded me of someone I dated, off and on for a number of years, but she was out of the picture now…..or so I thought when we passed the movie theater…
    There she was. Still looking as beautiful as ever. She was way too cool for this cartoon town, and she knew it. Her legs were so long they had to be continued on the next girl. Plump, jutting breasts that had once said to me, “Come play with me baby….” Or at least that’s how I imagined it. But, she was a player. In every sense of the word. Now, she was pulling the old rip-the-ticket scam. How the mighty have fallen. While bartending on the east coast, she had millionaires and politicians wrapped around her little claw, fleecing them….blackmail was often involved….hey, I thought, don’t do the crime if you don’t wanna do the time….I thought of Tracy on the run…..then, before I could find Josh and the others to head back to the ship, she turned around, and spoke my name, which she stretched out to sound like a whole sentence…”Jamus?”
    “Hey, Cassandra” I said, smiling a little, shifting a little bit. She still had it, she still had me, and we both knew it. She nodded towards the side of beef who had been her escort, and walked up to me.
    “So….how’ve you been, baby? I missed you.”…in that tone of voice which would make you think butter wouldn’t melt in her mouth. She drew a claw up and down my chest. Ever see how cats like to play with mice before they move in for the kill? That was Cassandra. Off in the corner, I saw some fox….a male fox, if it matters…dressed like Sherlock Holmes, accompanied by a yellow rat with a derby. Only in Averytown.
    “Slylock still after you?” I asked.
    Cassie nodded. “He’s obsessed baby….it’s not healthy for him…but it’s plenty of fun for me.” She giggled, which graduated to a throaty laugh. I found myself joining her.
    “You always did know how to keep ‘em on a leash….who’s the steer?” I asked.
    She looked over at him with a fake smile and said”Oh…just a friend…” Then she looked at me with blue eyes looking like rich people’s swimming pools. “How about you baby? Seeing anyone?”
    It was then I remembered the note I found in the morning. After yet another night of passionate love-making including positions not approved of by the Archdiocese, I woke up to find a note tacked to my pillow, and most of my furniture gone. The note said” I’m sorry—C”
    “Right to the point as always Cass. You know, it wasn’t so much the furniture, but did you have to steal the rug too? It tied the whole room together..”
    Then her eyes suddenly welled up with tears. Odds were real good she was faking it, 15-1 win, 10-1 place, 5-1 show. But I didn’t want a piece of that action.
    All I wanted was a piece of her.
    And we both knew it.
    ” I’m sorry baby. I know i’ve been a bad girl. I stole all your money to buy coke. I sold all your furniture to buy coke. I sold your antique Coca Cola(tm) machine to buy coke. I cheated on you, but i’ll change, I swear to God…” her makeup ran down her furry cheeks, her tailtip twitching as she pressed her chest against mine. I could feel all eight nipples standing at attention.
    Then…Josh cleared his throat and waved.
    “Friend of yours, Jamus?”
    Suddenly, my mind was relaxed…..or at least briefly free…”Josh, this is Cassandra, an old friend. Cass, this is Josh, Dingo…the floating brick who looks like Spider -Man is Spider Brick. ”
    Then I broke out with it. “Josh is our messiah, and we’re following him to spread the word of snark, baby.”
    Cass’ eyes widened, like I had told her….well, like I had just told her I was following some weird cult. I was about to explain about the spaceship, and mention that if Christ had access to a starship, he would have used it too….but then Cass bit into her lower lip…..hard enough to draw blood, and screamed, “Don’t do this baby !! This is nuts, hanging out with the newsprint crowd. They can’t make you happy baby. I know what you need. And you’ve got what I need, baby.”
    The memories came back. Cass drinking out of a dish of cream I had lovingly provided for her….S and M games in which we had both forgotten the codeword….weeks without word and when she came back, we’d spend weekends in a cheap hotel room acting out The Story Of O….
    Someone who looked and sounded like me growled back, “Yeah, it might be boring, it might be lame, or geeky, but let me tell you something Cass, these are nice people. Good people. Smart people. And what are you doing? Sneaking into a movie on a two-bit ticket scam. I don’t need weeks of no word from you only to have you return smelling like catnip. The sex was fantastic, but there’s more to life than that. More to life than being tied to your scratching post.
    Cass’ eyes welled up again as I said, “I’m not your scratching post anymore baby. For the first time in my life….i’m happy.” Then I cocked a thumb at the steer at her side and said, “Go peddle your cheeseburgers.”
    I expected her to rip into me…literally, figuratively…it wouldn’t be the first time….but I had a feeling it would have been the last.
    Instead, she murmured, “Goodbye, Jamus” , took two steps…then kissed me firmly, yet yielding. The salt from her tears reached my lips and I saw something in her eyes I had never seen before.
    Respect.
    At least I think it was. About a minute passed before Dingo said to me, “I’ll be damned. I thought she was gonna lift your wallet….”
    I felt my wrist….the Dick Tracy Crimestopper’s Wrist Radio was gone. I smiled a little. It wasn’t like I was gonna need it.
    See Jamus watch Cassandra walk away.
    Sweet little tail, swaying left and right..
    Left…
    Right….
    Hair bouncing in the wind…
    Big Dummy Jamus.
    Jamus shold move on.
    ” C’mon Jamus….Chennux needs these potatoes, and I think the sell-by date on these is past due….” Spider said in a soft voice.
    I nodded. “We gotta pick up the Skulker from Jersey. I promised.”
    ” Amen to that.” Dingo said. “Amen and Hallelujah.”
    ——-fin——

  72. Poteet
    July 22nd, 2007 at 9:10 pm [Reply]

    # 61 — Trotzenbonnie, sorry I missed your question back there. Yes, CrabbyGenes is fine but extremely busy. She’d be here if she could. And she recently met up with another Curmudgeon and will be making a report when she can. As of now, she’s showing visiting friends various attractions in Japan.

    As to what Japan has that’s so much better than what Iowa has, I dunno. In central Iowa alone, you can not only visit the birthplace of Mamie Eisenhower, but also see the small family cemetery of Billy Sunday. And you can go to Puffferbilly Days, a local railroad festival of which my most vivid memory is watching my brother drink wine out of bottle in a paper bag for the first and only time. And you can look at the building where the first computer in the world was built and then dismantled to make sure Iowa would never become Silicon Valley. I could go on, but I’m sure you’re breathing heavily already.

  73. Frinkenstein
    July 22nd, 2007 at 9:12 pm [Reply]

    #61, Trotzenbonnie:

    “I asked you a question in the last thread that was instigated by a comment you made in the prior thread but got lost when this thread abrubptly reared its brilliantly snarky head (If anyone can come up with a name for that from their embroidery classes I will kiss the ground you walk on…..)”

    The term you are searching for would be a “ricrochet.”

  74. Poteet
    July 22nd, 2007 at 9:15 pm [Reply]

    # 50 — Trilobite, re your earlier speculation, I don’t know what Teresa saw in Granthony. That’s a good question. Was she desperate, hallucinating, drunk, or what? Is it possible that Granthony has a very tiny amount of Love Potion Number Nine and just used the last of it on Liz?

  75. Joel
    July 22nd, 2007 at 9:17 pm [Reply]

    Slylock-
    Sadly, this is in fact enough evidence to sustain a conviction in the Fifth Circuit. Slylock’s from Louisiana, right?

  76. Mibbitmaker
    July 22nd, 2007 at 9:25 pm [Reply]

    Marvin: Actually, the baby is being interviewed by a Tonight Show guest host wearing a Jay Leno mask. And the joke? Well, pop culture-wide, it’s that babies and dogs are one thing only: shit producers.

    SFox: Things that begin with b… how ’bout the whole furshlugginer scene being blue!

  77. sally
    July 22nd, 2007 at 9:26 pm [Reply]

    Apologies if this has already been covered, but I try really hard not to pay attention to Mary Worth (since Josh is supposed to be reading it so I don’t have to) and I missed a sequiter somewhere — wasn’t Drew hitting on Vera last time I looked? Why is he out with Dawn? Isn’t she, like, 19, so her ugly adolescence would have ended last week, if it is indeed over? Anyone?

  78. Jordan
    July 22nd, 2007 at 9:34 pm [Reply]

    Holy crap. That terrible Leno caricature brought back painful memories of John Darling.

    What was John Darling? It was a strip Tom Armstrong made in the 1970s that made Marvin look like a masterpiece. It was about an egocentric talk show host, and thus every week he had a hideously caricatured celebrity to swap excruciating dialogue with.

    Leno in that cartoon is right out of John Darling: staring into the camera with a drippy expression that never changes, and never moving his mouth even though he’s supposed to be speaking. Revolting.

    And if you think that’s scary, you should have seen Armstrong’s rendition of Farrah Fawcett. It was something out of a nightmare.

  79. Poteet
    July 22nd, 2007 at 9:38 pm [Reply]

    # 72 — It’s Pufferbilly Days. Geez again.

    DT — Just out of idle curiosity, I’m wondering if there’s any possible way that this plot could turn out to make any actual sense whatsoever.

  80. Tabby
    July 22nd, 2007 at 9:55 pm [Reply]

    #70 – No, it was “Don”.

  81. odinthor
    July 22nd, 2007 at 9:57 pm [Reply]

    #79 — Poteet — “DT — Just out of idle curiosity, I’m wondering if there’s any possible way that this plot could turn out to make any actual sense whatsoever.” As my wonderful old great-uncle Porson whom I just made up might have said, “Eh, you want sense, go to the bank!” [Long awkward silence.] Well, um, it’s better if you hear it, cuz you know, like, “sense” and “cents” sound alike, unless of course you pronounce things really really carefully. [Second long awkward silence.] OK, maybe it’s a jape only a Plugger could love. [Third long awkward silence.] Um, sorry, gotta go, I um I think I hear someone calling me. (Sigh.)

  82. Rusty
    July 22nd, 2007 at 9:59 pm [Reply]

    MW: I thought Dr. Drew was supposed to be hip and raffish. Yet here he is throwing platitudes around like a young Mary Worth. Drew, if you want to loosen up the teenage girls, buy them wine coolers and weed, like on Dateline NBC. Don’t quote Hallmark cards.

  83. Uncle Lumpy
    July 22nd, 2007 at 10:23 pm [Reply]

    #78 Jordan –

    What was John Darling? It was a strip Tom Armstrong made in the 1970s that made Marvin look like a masterpiece. It was about an egocentric talk show host, and thus every week he had a hideously caricatured celebrity to swap excruciating dialogue with.

    Tom Armstrong drew John Darling. Tom Batiuk wrote it. Darling got shot — Batiuk knew how to move a plot in those days.

    Oh, and Funky Winkerbean‘s Les Moore wrote a book about the murder. The book failed. Les took a job at the high school where he was constantly humiliated. His best friend at work is the bully who did the humiliating. Les’s wife has an illness of some sort.

    But I’m sure it will all work out for the best.

  84. LTBF
    July 22nd, 2007 at 10:28 pm [Reply]

    Since the theater gets very little from ticket sales and makes most of their bucks from concession sales, they probably really don’t care if one person is sneaking in free.

  85. King Folderol
    July 22nd, 2007 at 10:29 pm [Reply]

    Shoe/GF – I have to say I don’t find either of these strips particularly funny. Get Fuzzy also falls prey to the typical stereotypes each partisan has about the other side, and it just fell flat for me.

    RMMD – I’ve been trying to avoid commenting on Rex, since this storyline has the least amount of snark-worthy material since I’ve been at CC. But Hugh Avery reminds me of some third-rate romantic villain out of a bad Jane Austen novel.

    Marvin – I don’t enjoy it when a strip promotes a “birthday” like this. It’s hard enough, when it comes to unfunny comics, that Marvin will be a baby forever, or the Keane kids will never grow up, or Garfield wasn’t put to sleep 10 years ago. But EVERY time a strip does one of these anniversaries, it’s just a colassal failure. Please, just stop.

    SF – I really think that Slylock is investigating this crime so that Max can get that free tub of popcorn for him and the 86 mice in his mate’s litter.

  86. LTBF
    July 22nd, 2007 at 10:30 pm [Reply]

    John Darling is also the grandfather of the bay his wife’s son conceived this week.

  87. Frank Parsnip
    July 22nd, 2007 at 10:30 pm [Reply]

    Dawn: “My unfortunate adolescence includes several years in which I performed prop comedy under the name ‘Carrot Top’. After extensive surgery, I was able to change my appearance until the only reminder of that appalling time was this big stripe of orange hair running right down the middle of my head. That’s why I was so glad to hear you were a doctor… ”

    Drew: “Yes, then you must know that I am the pioneer of the surgery Tom Arnold used to fix his baldness in which the hairless middle section of his scalp was removed and the other sides brought back together. Hmmm….”

    ————–panel 2
    Dawn: (closeup view) “Can you do it for me? I’ve tried everything but the middle section stays as a reminder of my Carrot Top years no matter what I do! ”

    ——————-panel 3
    Drew: “I’ll have to do some research on this. Nobody has ever asked me to remove a section of healthy hair before… had you ever thought of changing your hair to be completely red? Both MJ and Brenda Starr have ‘got it going on’ if you know what I mean.”

  88. Sophist, FCD
    July 22nd, 2007 at 10:34 pm [Reply]

    Wow, Slylock’s obsession is really reaching Javert-like proportions here. I’m waiting with bated breath for the strip where Slylock learns that Cassandra’s been stealing to feed a bunch of orphaned anthropomorphic baby pandas and throws himself into the Seine.

    In the following strip you’ll be asked to find six differences in his bloated, waterlogged autopsy photo.

  89. LTBF
    July 22nd, 2007 at 10:42 pm [Reply]

    Check that…John is the grandfather of the baby Les’ wife’s son just conceived.

  90. Mibbitmaker
    July 22nd, 2007 at 10:43 pm [Reply]

    Batiuk killing off Darling — and getting his first taste for india ink blood — now killing off Lisa — slowly and spitefully.

    Altogether, I vastly prefered “Buckwheat is Dead” on SNL. That was brilliance! And, of course, Henry Blake. That death fit the series, as opposed to a strip called “Zany Winkingsilly”. Still.

  91. LTBF
    July 22nd, 2007 at 10:57 pm [Reply]

    The deaths of Darling and Blake are a little similar. Batuik killed Daling because of a contract dispute with the syndacite. So he killed him to render the strip useless.

    The MASH creators were ticked off at McClean Stevenson for leaving and killed Henry Blake to keep him from ever trying to portray the character again.

  92. cvk
    July 22nd, 2007 at 11:31 pm [Reply]

    Your response to “I have qualities!” reminds me of a classic Mr. Spock answer to the question “What properties does a sun have?” in an episode of the original series. In classic Spock (and yet with very commendable scientific rigor!) he begins with “It exists” and proceeds from there.

  93. Bear
    July 22nd, 2007 at 11:37 pm [Reply]

    #78: Hey, it’s interesting that you bring up John Darling, Jordan. It was actually a spin-off from the first iteration of Funky Winkerbean and it ended with the title character being murdered if I remember correctly. What is with this sicko’s fascination with bringing the most messed up, unfunny situations to the funny pages?

  94. Bear
    July 22nd, 2007 at 11:39 pm [Reply]

    #93: Ah, Jesus. I look like an ass. This is what I get for not reading the most recent comments before posting. That’ll learn me.

  95. jesstech
    July 22nd, 2007 at 11:53 pm [Reply]

    There’s something particularly unsettling about today’s Slylock Fox: have you noticed that the drawing of a cute kitty cat is by a 15-yr-old? Webber has previously neglected to include the author’s age, and seems only today to have included it, like he’s mocking the kid or something.

    But wait, there’s more: Josiah(?)’s kitty here bears a striking resemblance to Andrew Walker’s beaver (snort) from only a few weeks ago.

    I am beginning to think perhaps Bob Webber, Jr draws these horrific mutant forrest animals himself, perhaps with his opposing hand, and then makes up imaginary children to place them under.

    I don’t know what it is, but something deep, big, and fishy is going on here, and I’m on to you, Webber.

  96. Poteet
    July 22nd, 2007 at 11:54 pm [Reply]

    # 81 — BWAHAHA! Maybe it’s the late hour, but I do find that funny, Odinthor And I like your name. There are a lot of Scandinavians around here, uff da. And as a child, I read Norse mythology and enjoyed the bleakness. (Which I thought was totally different from real life. Ah, youth.)

    # 72 — Wine out of a bottle. Margo, what a maroon.

  97. Skulking on the Outskirts
    July 23rd, 2007 at 12:03 am [Reply]

    (Loud shrill whistle) Yo, Jamus! I’m up here! In Vermont, not Jersey! Oh, jeez, I don’t think he heard me, I’m gonna miss my ride. CRAP.

    Well, I’ll catch him when the Tarzana Nights flys over this hemisphere again. Save some of the Emperor’s Ardbeg for me, everyone! I’m bringing about a hundred gallons of maple syrup. That should make Chennux happy.

    And what is this “pho” you all speak of? No Vietnamese restaurants in my neck of the woods. Will there be any aboard the ship? Does it go well with maple syrup?

  98. Ronin
    July 23rd, 2007 at 12:38 am [Reply]

    You know, I remember Slylock Fox encountering the ticket-stub trick way back when I was a kid.

  99. Colonel Zagbar
    July 23rd, 2007 at 1:04 am [Reply]

    Hugh may be insensitive, treacherous, and arrogant, but it’s his choice to wear a striped shirt with a red polka-dot necktie that really puts him over the edge.

  100. Burrito Al Pastor
    July 23rd, 2007 at 1:05 am [Reply]

    I’m pretty sure that ticket-stub trick won’t work at most modern theaters. Modern computer-printed movie tickets are on tickets with clearly designated perforated “ticket” and “stub” sections; when you enter the theater and hand the guy your ticket, he takes the “ticket” section and hands you the “stub” section. If you try and come in with half of a “stub” section, it’s going to be quite clear that something’s up.

  101. AmandaTheGreat
    July 23rd, 2007 at 1:12 am [Reply]

    …That Slylock is a rerun. The “crime,” at least. I swear I remember it from many many years ago, when I was actually a kid and felt as though I ought to read the kids’ page of the funnies.

  102. Trotzenbonnie
    July 23rd, 2007 at 1:33 am [Reply]

    #73 – Frinkenstein
    Oh alright…..make an old lady get her lips muddy….Mwah!
    (Seriously, ricrochet is a winner!)

  103. Bobdog
    July 23rd, 2007 at 1:48 am [Reply]

    #95 – This sounds like a potential puzzle for Slylock himself —

    Syndicated children’s feature cartoonist Cassandra Cat claims the drawings “sent in by kids” that she features are authentic, but Slylock thinks this is a scam — what evidence does he have?

    [upsidedown_small_illegible]
    Answer: No actual children read her feature — just comics crumudgeons
    [/upsidedown_small_illegible]

  104. AppleGirl
    July 23rd, 2007 at 3:27 am [Reply]

    71 – Jamus, you outdid yourself with this episode. I am loving the saga and your hard-boiled writing.

  105. Robert Whitaker Sirignano
    July 23rd, 2007 at 3:40 am [Reply]

    SHOE is another strip that should have died when its initial creator died. But it is a safe political strip in that it says nothing, opens no minds and wins no points. With all the bickering between party lines and the war between the sexes, it’s an avian flu version of THE LOCKHORNS.

    Marvin is the cause of global warming? Tom Armstrong’s been doing loaded diaper jokes for 25 years, and the “shit for brains” attitude is definitely not the kind of creativity I would seek out as a lifetime career.

  106. Robert Whitaker Sirignano
    July 23rd, 2007 at 3:44 am [Reply]

    In Robert Anton Wilson’s blog, there’s an article on Ann Coulter, titled “Strap on Veterans for the Truth” in which Ann Coulter is revealed to be a man.

    I wrote two reviews of her book GODLESS on Amazon, both which got pulled for called her “the dumb blond bimbo of the extreme right wing.”.. of course, I shouldn’t have titled my review RETARDED: ANN COULTER WRITES AGAIN.
    I thinks thats a no no.

  107. Robert Whitaker Sirignano
    July 23rd, 2007 at 3:46 am [Reply]

    In Robert Anton Wilson’s blog, there’s an article on Ann Coulter, titled “Strap on Veterans for the Truth” in which Ann Coulter is revealed to be a man.

    I wrote two reviews of her book GODLESS on Amazon, both which got pulled for calling her “the dumb blond bimbo of the extreme right wing.”.. of course, I shouldn’t have titled my review RETARDED: ANN COULTER WRITES AGAIN.
    I thinks thats a no no.

  108. Robert Whitaker Sirignano
    July 23rd, 2007 at 3:47 am [Reply]

    oops!

  109. RS Preston
    July 23rd, 2007 at 6:28 am [Reply]

    I think you’re ignoring one important aspect of today’s Shylock Fox, specifically the ‘How many things start with the letter B’ puzzle.

    The goat is sodomising the pig, despite them both being asleep.

  110. Jamus The Bartender
    July 23rd, 2007 at 7:22 am [Reply]

    Meant to say Vermont instead of Jersey, Skulk. I always get those two confused. And thank you Applegirl. Sadly, this will have to wait for a bit as i’m going out of town in a few hours. My family believes computers are evil, and I haven’t been able to convince them otherwise.
    See you in August :)
    Jamus

  111. A-chan
    July 23rd, 2007 at 8:24 am [Reply]

    JESUS CHRIST WHAT IS WRONG WITH DAWN’S FACE

    *pantpant*

    Seriously, that face in the second panel looks like someone took a blank drawing of a head and copy/pasted facial features onto it indiscriminately. I have never been so wounded by the lack of proportion in a facial structure before. Adding insult to injury is her blather about the vague trouble of her teen years. Are teen years the best years of anyone’s life? I suspect many remember them as the time of difficulties with peers and social anxieties and stress with one’s parents. Does she think she was some kind of troubled youth because she got picked on? Her comments are nowhere near detailed enough to warrant her nervousness in confiding them. If I were Dr. Drew, I’d laugh just because my date thought her revelation was in any way significant enough to merit asking me not to laugh at it.

    Why is she talking about her miserable teenage years on a first date anyway? Way to be a downer, Dawn. Clearly, Dr. Drew has realized that the key to getting Dawn [insert filthy euphamism here] is to respond to her vague angst with equally meaningless sympathy and non-specific allusions of a similarly painful background. He’s like a bad fortune teller trying to estabblish a rapport: “Yes, Dawn; I can sense that your teenage years were–troubled. But recently, your path has crossed with a dark-haired man. I sense that he will be–important to you.”

    *ahem* The inanities of Mary Worth aside, the Jay Leno head in Marvin is also terrifying, in particular the fuzzy black caterpillar-like eyebrows. I imagine them capable of, at any minute they so choose, begining to aimlessly drift around his forehead like pucks on an air hockey table. In my mind’s eye, one of them is spinning in place. I can only assume that Marvin’s gaping maw in the second panel was meant to symbolize drawing us into some kind of terrifying Twilight Zone.

  112. Ginger Yellow
    July 23rd, 2007 at 9:17 am [Reply]

    What Burrito said. Except I was going to do it as a Reynard Noir style narrative. Damn you.

    “Why is she talking about her miserable teenage years on a first date anyway? ”

    Obviously to get Drew to respond to her “ugly duckling” comment with some suitably complimentary riposte on her current looks. The conniving minx.

  113. Foobar
    July 23rd, 2007 at 10:03 am [Reply]

    That blackface “mean bug” is very offensive.

  114. Professor Fate
    July 23rd, 2007 at 10:19 am [Reply]

    Sylock Fox – I wonder if Shylock’s gotten to the point where he calls up Cassandra and hangs up if she answers the phone. He can’t be far away.

    FW: (to the tune of “for he’s a jolly good fellow)
    Your birth mother’s dying of cancer,
    Your birthmother’s dying of cancer,
    Your birthmother’s dying of cancer,
    and the Post office wants you to know

    Foob: given a choice between being blinded with a red hot poker, the Liz-anthony look we’re a couple now plot line and sha-non, I’ll take the poker thanks.
    That said, if someone told me I had a week to live I’d read the Sha-non Story line becuase…It…will…take..for..ever…to…end.

  115. Plasma
    July 23rd, 2007 at 10:20 am [Reply]

    I have friends who love me :( I have decided that this guy is adorable. The expressions in panels 4 and 5 are excellent.

  116. Roger
    July 23rd, 2007 at 10:30 am [Reply]

    Mary Worth: Dawn says, “The woman you see before you hardly resembles what she looked like growing up! I was an ugly duckling who experienced many painful years before I “transformed” into what you see now!”

    My God, it all makes sense now — Dawn is a post-operative transexual. Surely “her” original name was “Don”, before the operations. Look at that final panel — the manly jawline, the manly hands, the beefy wrists… the evidence is indisputable, really.

  117. gnome de blog
    July 23rd, 2007 at 10:39 am [Reply]

    Slylock’s greatest regret is that his own nose isn’t suitable for ringing. Buford’s is that Cassandra refuses to use the leash in public.

  118. ashamed
    July 23rd, 2007 at 10:53 am [Reply]

    I originally thought my attraction to Cassandra Cat was the work of Weber’s devil pen, tempting my mind with abominations, but now I’m thinking it might really stem back to when I lost my virginity to an anthropomorphic cat.

    But maybe not, that was a tomcatman.

  119. Kip W
    July 23rd, 2007 at 11:01 am [Reply]

    SF – “How many things in this scene begin with the letter B?” Is he looking for an exact number? I see Betelgeuse, Beta Centauri, a Beech tree, Bestiality (on the left), Blank-eyed Bozos Blinking Blindly, Butt Sex (the bird poking out of the bull’s behind), besides the stuff mentioned in the answer (and the ones I left out because other mudges spotted them first).

  120. rich
    July 23rd, 2007 at 11:14 am [Reply]

    65, 70, 116: “Dawn used to be a guy” is the new “Aldo looks just like Bob Keeshan.”

  121. BigTed
    July 23rd, 2007 at 11:14 am [Reply]

    “I heard it’s best ‘not to look back in anger or forward in fear.’ But where did I hear it? Maybe the waiter said it? Or Dawn? Or Mary herself? Or perhaps it’s a quote from someone famous? Good thing the writer of this strip apparently has no Google access, so I never have to bother providing actual information to all the people who read everything I say in their newspapers.”

  122. Jacquie
    July 23rd, 2007 at 11:18 am [Reply]

    Now, I can’t be the only one who wants an “I can assure you, I am not without qualities” shirt, can I? It would be great for the single folks…

  123. Brent
    July 23rd, 2007 at 12:04 pm [Reply]

    Frankly Josh you missed the obvious fact that the version of Leno in Marvin is actually funnier than the one who doesn’t appear on my TV every night. Johnny Carson is funnier, and that’s despite being dead for two years.

  124. Roger
    July 23rd, 2007 at 1:00 pm [Reply]

    #120: Rich, is that a good thing? I’m a bit too newbie to JoshReads to tell. Thanks!

  125. SmartPeopleOnIce
    July 23rd, 2007 at 1:17 pm [Reply]

    How many things in this scene begin with the letter B?

    Well, “Booze” begins with the letter B, so I’m guessing: all of them.

  126. Hugh Avery's friend (who loves him)
    July 23rd, 2007 at 2:19 pm [Reply]

    That black-haired minx’s absolutely blank expression the the last panel is the culmination of all Hugh’s problems.

  127. Becka
    July 23rd, 2007 at 3:58 pm [Reply]

    MW: I so hope that this will be some kind of transgender storyline! Perhaps ‘Dawn’ used to be Don….

  128. Frank Parsnip
    July 23rd, 2007 at 9:14 pm [Reply]

    The only thing that could make Dawn’s troubled teen years of any interest at all to Mac-Docta Drew is if they involved extensive therapy for sexual addiction with the caveat that “you’re never really cured, you know…”

  129. jayjaybear
    July 23rd, 2007 at 10:24 pm [Reply]

    MW – God, I don’t know if I want to even reveal that I remember this, but I swear that way back when Wilbur Orlando and Dawn first moved to dear old Charterstone, Dawn was a serious chunker. Like a Weeble with glasses. I do believe that is her “difficult adolescence”, not anything to do with sausage and potates in a jar of formaldehyde in the back of her dresser drawer.

  130. Laura Brown
    July 24th, 2007 at 12:32 pm [Reply]

    Finally, the worrying prospect of inexperienced readers confusing Rex Morgan, M.D. with the work of Robert Musil has been averted.

  131. exelizabeth
    July 24th, 2007 at 1:23 pm [Reply]

    I know this thread is dead, but honestly the fourth panel of Mary Worth is the funniest thing I’ve seen in the funny pages for a long time.

    Why is transformed in quotes? Was she a man before? That makes the most sense, really.

  132. Thespian
    July 26th, 2007 at 4:12 am [Reply]

    I weep for the future applicants to Art Instruction School if they have to compete with Josiah Vaughn. I mean, if he’s creating fine artworks like that at age 15 without having first drawn Tippy the Turtle, the future of art in this country is certain advance mightily! Calloo! Callay!

  133. Stanley Lyndon
    July 31st, 2007 at 1:52 am [Reply]

    Hi!

    I was expecting a really serious write-up when I came here. A pleasant surprise. Thanks for writing this nice one!

    Have a good one!
    Stanley Lyndon,
    Author, How to be Funny.

  134. Omnywrench
    October 14th, 2007 at 6:07 pm [Reply]

    Man, Marvin must be hungry- without the burdon of teeth, he inhaled that cupcake whole, and is now ready to devour the reader whole.

    For best results, imagine a loud, bellowing roar as you stare into the depths of Marvin’s freakishly huge mouth.

  135. Adam
    February 3rd, 2008 at 11:39 pm [Reply]

    Get Fuzzy is easily the worst comic I’ve ever read in a major metropolitan newspaper.

    If I need to explain why then you have no business critiquing comics strips.

  136. Sanjay
    April 15th, 2008 at 4:46 am [Reply]

    These are all nice cantoon picture they are all nice cantoon .

  137. Sanjay
    April 17th, 2008 at 12:50 am [Reply]

    These are all funny cartoon picture but these all cartoon is very crazy performance but wish he all the best.

  138. Anonymous
    July 26th, 2008 at 4:46 am [Reply]

    josh sucks dead monkeuys…………………

  139. johnny
    July 26th, 2008 at 4:47 am [Reply]

    you kno2w what?

    fuck you all !!!!!!!

  140. Sacramento Electrician
    July 29th, 2008 at 2:48 pm [Reply]

    I think its perfect. But my opinion is still you need to think on your comment.

  141. Hair Loss
    August 1st, 2008 at 2:44 am [Reply]

    I think you are right but i am little confuse about the topic. I have emailed you some questions about this post please answer them Thanks

  142. Kevin from Best Hair Loss Treatment
    August 12th, 2008 at 9:21 pm [Reply]

    The fox relies on his wit and logic. We should all follow the fox!

  143. Acomplia
    August 14th, 2008 at 2:14 am [Reply]

    Lovely post. Please add my email address to your list and email me the updates if possible. I always like to read your blog and comment on it.

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