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Are you ready for TJmania?

Luann, 12/5/11

Wasn’t there some zany plot a few years back where various De Groot family members and hangers-on wanted to know what TJ did for a living, but never could figure it out, largely because for mysterious reasons they refused to just ask him? I feel a sense of pride in the fact that I can’t actually remember how this worked out, and I refuse to look it up, but I’m definitely intrigued by his decision to charm his way into Anne Eiffel’s employ here, by describing how he caused a competing fast food restaurant to unwittingly violate child labor laws. Presumably he’s planning to bring Weenie World down from the inside, but all of TJ’s schemes inevitably backfire horribly, so perhaps he’ll accidentally triple hot dog sales and help Anne get promoted to CEO? Whatever the potential outcome, let’s all enjoy panel two, which illustrates the fact that TJ, who means well but is always plotting something, is forever perched on the seam between light and darkness.

Gil Thorp, 12/5/11

If I didn’t know any better I’d think that Brody Abro had his Asperger’s so thoroughly cured that he grew a little chin-tuft and let some soul-patched tattoo artist hover beefily over him. But I do know better, so probably the beard is supposed to indicate that this is shaggy-haired blond fellow with a face almost exactly like Brody’s is not actually Brody, but rather some new Mudlark with a silly name who we’re supposed to get attached to over the course of basketball season.

So, yeah, it’s an exciting new storyline! Involving tattoos! Just a tip: it’s not really that reassuring when you feel compelled to explicitly tell your customers that you follow the basic rules of hygiene for your profession. It’s like a waitress putting your food in front of you and saying, unprompted, “Don’t worry, the kitchen staff have all washed their hands today, and none of them have any open sores.” Maybe this attitude was OK in your prison tattoo business, Mr. Soul Patch, but you’ve rented a venerable Milford storefront now! Time to kick your professionalism up a notch.

Mary Worth, 12/5/11

Looks like Mary is going to be haunted by this missing child poster forever! Eventually her grinning face will be all Mary sees, every day. What could be the cause of this descent into madness? I’m hoping that Mary’s the real kidnapper, and that the haunting poster always floating at the corner of her vision is her version of the tell-tale heart.

Apartment 3-G, 12/5/11

“I’ve been there! By which I mean I totally made out with your dead husband. Back when he was alive, obviously! Did I forget to tell you this?”

260 responses to “Are you ready for TJmania?”

  1. Rocky Stoneaxe
    December 5th, 2011 at 8:25 am [Reply]

    @Mr. O’Malley (#y292): Following up on 1960s humor, Alan Sues from Laugh-In has died. He was 85. Despite a career playing mostly gay characters, he never really came out. But if anyone was still confused, the obituaries make it pretty clear.

    He was a very funny performer. Apparently he was even funnier in private than he was in public. One of the old-time characters. Sad to say goodbye to him.

    Propriety demands that we not talk about Alan’s privates in public. (Wasn’t there a Johnny Cash song called “A Boy Named Sues”?)

  2. Braniff
    December 5th, 2011 at 8:31 am [Reply]

    FC: I have reason to believe that Jeffy and Billy are climbing Brokeback Mountain today.

  3. Rocky Stoneaxe
    December 5th, 2011 at 8:36 am [Reply]

    Anybody here seen my old friend Billy?
    Can you tell me where he’s gone?
    I thought I saw him walkin’ up over the hill
    With Barney, Spark Plug and Sut

    SUT TATTERSALL — Forget, Hell!

  4. Jasper Jinx
    December 5th, 2011 at 8:39 am [Reply]

    Excuse me, but has anyone noticed that Dick Tracey appears to be visiting a swastika-themed TV show today? Which at least fits in with his 1930s outerwear. Meantime the Phantom appears to be channeling “The Pretender.”

  5. Rocky Stoneaxe
    December 5th, 2011 at 8:44 am [Reply]

    “But first I’m gonna use one of my needles to pop your pimples!”

  6. Chareth Cutestory
    December 5th, 2011 at 8:46 am [Reply]

    MW: I’d like to revise my prediction for the missing girl storyline. She was not in cahoots with the purse thieves, so she is not going to end up stealing Mary’s identity. Instead, Mary will find her in a coma in the hospital. Sub-prediction number 2: Angel of death Mary will meddle with the girl’s life support and morphine drip?

  7. Jessy
    December 5th, 2011 at 8:58 am [Reply]

    Gil Thorp: I read this and honestly thought that Mr. Soul Patch was some sort of drug dealer, and that Young Scragglebeard was either going through withdrawal or was being injected against his will, thus the sweat on his phiz. Thank goodness I had Josh to explain that this was a tattoo parlor!

  8. Jonn
    December 5th, 2011 at 8:59 am [Reply]

    Okay, Gil Thorp looks exactly like someone’s about to get raped. I’m not even joking. He is going to drug Asperger’s Kid, and then he is going to rape him. Clearly, I’m missing some context.

  9. Droopy Says
    December 5th, 2011 at 9:00 am [Reply]

    Mary Worth will continue to sink deeper into a hallucinatory fog, so that by the time she inevtiably locates the missing girl she won’t know if she’s found the actual missing child or has hallucinated her face onto that of a different kid.

  10. Andrew Shuping
    December 5th, 2011 at 9:01 am [Reply]

    @!#@$ you made me go read Apartment 3-g archives to see what the heck I missed! Why????????????????????????

  11. IB1
    December 5th, 2011 at 9:03 am [Reply]

    Panel 2 of Luann is making me realize how historically confused TJ’s hair is. It’s sort of like Gerry Curls… but with a 50′s swosh in front… and 70′s sideburns… and a mullet.

  12. Minarets
    December 5th, 2011 at 9:04 am [Reply]

    @Andrew Shuping (#10): From my perusal of (u)The Lovely Ladies of A3g(/u), we don’t see Gary Powers, only Margo’s Hat Man fiance Eric Mills who dies in Tibet rescuing a Dalai Lama and looking for his brother, who was THOUGHT to have died in Tibet but in reality he’s still alive, although his hair looks like it was eaten by maggots.
    Don’t ask me how I know this…I’m THIS close to toppling over the edge. Maybe I should go lie down.

  13. wossname
    December 5th, 2011 at 9:08 am [Reply]

    A3G – For somebody talking about mourning over a dead love-of-her-life, Margo looks remarkably cheerful.

    MW – Mary, you hung that sweater over the back of your chair, didn’t you? Honeybunny and Pumpkin probably got it on their latest wallet-grabbing spree. When are you going to learn not to put things on the back of your chair? I hope at least you have a list of all your sweaters.

    Plug – Do you believe that anybody ever told that dog-guy, at any age, “You’re good-looking”? I don’t.

    Sly – Now that’s just silly. Why couldn’t Wendy Weasel have eaten some salted nuts and then thought, “Oh golly, that was too much sodium, I’d better have low-sodium soup for dinner”?

  14. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    December 5th, 2011 at 9:09 am [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#1):

    Re: “A Boy Named Sue”

    I worked for a while with a statistician named Xue Mei. Despite the provocation, the Legal department felt that there was no undue risk involved.

  15. Rocky Stoneaxe
    December 5th, 2011 at 9:10 am [Reply]

    The Knight Life — “We’ve secretly replaced this man’s Nutella with some of Marvin’s feces. Let’s see if he notices.”

  16. ArchieNemesis
    December 5th, 2011 at 9:12 am [Reply]

    You know you’re a Plugger when Dr. Moreau says to you, “Who breaks the law goes back to the House of Pain!”

  17. zenvelo
    December 5th, 2011 at 9:13 am [Reply]

    MW: The new story line is Mary’s dementia. She remembers the posters of the child she killed twenty years ago, but can’t remember where she left her sweater ten minutes ago.

  18. Minarets
    December 5th, 2011 at 9:14 am [Reply]

    MW: Aha! You thought Mary’s PSA moment was gone? FOOLS! She’s going to take you down the harrowing journey that is senility – or Alzheimer’s – starring Mary Worth because, you know, we are all attached to her by now, aren’t we? And we’ll feel the pain to see Mary so muddled, won’t we? Oh, and the generic white bread kidnapped girl – double whammy! See, Mary’s becoming efficient is what’s happening. Two PSAs at the same time! Beat that, FOOB!

    Archie: Could someone please explain to me HOW exactly Veronica got onto that table without ripping her micromininanoskirt/without flashing her no-doubt Chanel undies?

    MT: That’s right, Honey! Even though what I just said is everyone’s worst fear, I’m going to do it! And declare it loudly while staring off unblinkingly into the distance for immeasurable periods of time.
    Oh, and Curmudgeon Poll:
    How many have seen an article about gold in a cave harvested by a tranny using a tame bear that is fashioned into bands and inscribed with Bible passages and put on random geese and decided, “Golly gee, this is a place I want to take my family to see!” ?
    Answer below!

  19. Nehemiah Scudder
    December 5th, 2011 at 9:16 am [Reply]

    BG&ss: Five thousand four hundred forty seven days. With pictorial googliness.

    // Hi Red!

  20. Rocky Stoneaxe
    December 5th, 2011 at 9:20 am [Reply]

    Lio — Walt Disney’s been reincarnated as an anthropomorphic mouse… and Lio’s trying to murder him.

  21. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    December 5th, 2011 at 9:23 am [Reply]

    December 5th “let it go already” department:

    Thorpe: I actually was willing to let the last storyline be kind of affecting. So I was worried today to see Brody getting a tattoo as we kick off the next storyline. Is it really supposed to be someone else? If you can only draw so many characters, you need to at least rotate them so as to minimize confusion (see also G, Apt 3)

    Luann: I was hoping we had escaped from the Weenie World nonsense with the status quo intact (of course) and were going to let it drop. This is a work of fiction, and Evans could have scripted any variety of “evil boss” behavior he wanted, and yet he has failed to make Anne come across as anything but a harried manager of losers who don’t understand that telling them not to spend their shift sitting in the booths chatting with friends and admirers is not tyrannical. Now, we will be forced to see the evil Eiffel get her comeuppance.

    MW: We mock MT for using clip art of an old man to represend Mother MacQueen, but here we are yet again subjected to Toby clip art masquerading as a 10YO girl on a milk carton, again and again. I can no longer resist quoting from Bloodhound Gang’s epic “A Lap Dance Is So Much Better When the Stripper is Crying”:

    “Well, ten beers, twenty minutes and thirty dollars later
    I’m parkin’ the beef bus in tuna town if you know what I mean.
    Got to nail her back at her trailer.
    Heh. That rhymes.
    I have to admit it was even more of a turn-on
    when I found out she was doin’ me to buy baby formula.

    Day or so had passed when I popped the clutch,
    gave the tranny a spin and slid on into
    The Stinky Pinky Gulp N’ Guzzle Big Rig Snooze-A-Stop.
    There I was browsin’ through the latest issue of “Throb”,
    when I saw Bambi starin’ at me from the back of a milk carton.
    Well, my heart just dropped.
    So, I decided to do what any good Christian would.
    You can not imagine how difficult it is to hold a half gallon of moo juice
    and polish the one-eyed gopher when your doin’ seventy-five
    in an eighteen-wheeler.
    I never thought missing children could be so sexy.”

  22. Mibbitmaker
    December 5th, 2011 at 9:27 am [Reply]

    BBlues: Mary Worth, NO!!!

    NS: Huey Long, Father Coughlin, the Tea Party, and Occupy Wall Street… all embrace each other — literally — in stone cold fear of what’s coming down the pike — DANAE! (thunderstorm effects)

    DT: A “reality” show? That disgusting freakshow character again? Staton and Curtis, you’re trying to make me miss Locher, aren’t you? GAH!

    Garfield: He would if he were going on a diet.

    FW: Typical FW — Your dream is joyously restored! Time to sulk in depressed pain now.

    GT: Geoff Peterson: “Pack of needles. Is that code? ……..’cause it looks like gay sex.”

    HotC: …But if it doesn’t
    Michael Palin, in the Fish License sketch, to Dean ‘Praline’: “…You are a loony!”

    Lio: Dedicated to Disney’s lawyers!

    MT: Mountie McQueen: “Foolish!”

  23. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    December 5th, 2011 at 9:30 am [Reply]

    Curtis – This already exists. It took me until Saturday to stop hearing “In the desert, you can remember your name, ’cause there ain’t noone for to cause you no pain”. And here it is again. You’re welcome.

  24. ScienceGiant
    December 5th, 2011 at 9:30 am [Reply]

    MW: Wow! All you ‘mudgeons are convinced that Mary forgot her sweater. You fools! Don’t you realize it was STOLEN at diner? By the same pickpockets who nabbed her purse? Who are assidously making a Mary Worth voodoo doll?

  25. Mibbitmaker
    December 5th, 2011 at 9:32 am [Reply]

    9CL: Amos is making her ass out of himself!

  26. Minarets
    December 5th, 2011 at 9:35 am [Reply]

    @ScienceGiant (#24): HOT! I would so totally buy one, just so I could carefully and contently pierce it with every pin I have in my pincushion! AHAHAHAHAAA!

  27. Anonymous
    December 5th, 2011 at 9:36 am [Reply]

    GT: Wow, it’s the whole Chris Rock “wanting credit for doing stuff you’re SUPPOSED TO DO” thing all over again.

  28. Mibbitmaker
    December 5th, 2011 at 9:38 am [Reply]

    MW: Aha! I figured out the real reason for the furshlugginer poster: It’s actually meant to defeat Mary! It’s her Kryptonite. It will destroy her! There really is no missing girl, is there? (thus it really is a picture of Toby all dolled up) It’s a trick! It’s….. Aldo’s revenge! From HELL!!!!!


  29. Rocky Stoneaxe
    December 5th, 2011 at 9:40 am [Reply]

    @zenvelo (#17): MW’s current storyline is loosely based on the 1931 Peter Lorre film M. This time around, it’s Mary Worth who’s the serial killer preying on little girls. (The “M”, of course, stands for “Mary”!)

  30. Liam
    December 5th, 2011 at 9:43 am [Reply]

    JP-Sure. I take it black like my men.

    A3G-I’ve kissed your husband too.

    RMMD-Fresh air is all she needs. That and this paddle ball game. Fresh air and this paddle ball game is all she needs and this remote.

    MW-Mary’s thoughts continue to drift to the missing poster. Why don’t you respond to me, missing poster? I send you thoughts of love everyday.

  31. AhClem
    December 5th, 2011 at 9:46 am [Reply]

    Thorp – My first thought was that Brody is visiting some back-alley acupuncturist in an attempt to cure his Asperger’s. I’m sure that the real story will be a lot less interesting.

  32. Dennis the Two and a Half Menace
    December 5th, 2011 at 9:48 am [Reply]

    According to Gil Thorpe, Asperger’s sufferers can kick the hell out a football, do weird stuff with needles, and have homosexual sex in the missionary position (aka door knobin’). They really need to stop basing their research on Wikipedia.

  33. Cloudbuster
    December 5th, 2011 at 9:54 am [Reply]

    @Minarets (#18): ‘How many have seen an article about gold in a cave harvested by a tranny using a tame bear that is fashioned into bands and inscribed with Bible passages and put on random geese and decided, “Golly gee, this is a place I want to take my family to see!” ?
    Answer below!’

    Wow, that sounds like a great trip to use as a prize in our Save Our Sports raffle! (Though I was hoping for Disney World.)

  34. Jessy
    December 5th, 2011 at 9:55 am [Reply]

    A3G: With all the GOOD reasons that LuAnn has to kick Paul to the curb, don’t tell me she is going to realize she is still not ready to let the memory of her dead husband go. Good grief, woman, Paul is telling you what to wear and outfitting a nursery while his dad is running background checks. Can’t we have a real confrontation here instead of some contrived “dreaming of the dead husband” thing?

  35. gleeb
    December 5th, 2011 at 9:56 am [Reply]

    Gil: Come to the Bucket for an intravenous injection of powerful opioids and a coke!

    Sam Driver, Concerned Parent!: “Derek who? No, don’t tell me; I don’t care anyway. I’m just using this as an excuse to not go to my office.”

  36. S. Stout
    December 5th, 2011 at 9:58 am [Reply]

    Luann:Well, this explains why Ann liked Brad. She has a fetish for being amused and there’s nothing more amusing than Brad’s face.

    Gil Thorp:We have sad news to report, a young boy was drugged and raped at the old storefront in Milford today. A bit of good news though, the needles were new so there were no infections.

  37. Roy, the man with no sense of humor
    December 5th, 2011 at 9:59 am [Reply]

    @wossname (#13):

    A3G: Margo is just happythat the subject of the strip is now her, as it should be, and as am I.

  38. Chip Whittle
    December 5th, 2011 at 10:00 am [Reply]

    Mary Worth lost her sweater? Does this mean we’re going to sit through two weeks of her canceling her Talbot’s loyalty card?

  39. Phadreus
    December 5th, 2011 at 10:06 am [Reply]

    MW: No wonder they can’t find their daughter. No address, no number, and just try looking up “Smith” in the phonebook.

  40. Some Guy
    December 5th, 2011 at 10:07 am [Reply]

    @AhClem (#31):
    At least it makes more sense than Gil’s ‘therapy’.

  41. commodorejohn
    December 5th, 2011 at 10:09 am [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#29): I can’t wait for the climactic scene where the whole seedy underworld gathers to hold an intervention!

  42. hogenmogen
    December 5th, 2011 at 10:15 am [Reply]

    A3G: Yes, Luann, you were actually married to Gary, while I was only engaged to … um.. that guy, so you’ve got that point. Yours died in service of his country, and mine died rescuing his brother, so it’s a tie there. But my dead beau was a HAT MAN! Your story has been topped! Go whine to Tommie, her ex is only in Denver or something.

  43. BozWorthington
    December 5th, 2011 at 10:15 am [Reply]

    Mary Worth:Why would the poster need to say she has blonde hair and blue eyes? It’s a color photo, that’s pretty obvious. Maybe they should have saved that space for something a little more vital like, say, who to contact if you know something.

  44. Hi There
    December 5th, 2011 at 10:17 am [Reply]

    Bull drinks alone, with no one else. When he drinks alone he prefers to be by himself.

  45. Mehe
    December 5th, 2011 at 10:18 am [Reply]

    9CL: that’s a huge ass.

  46. Marc
    December 5th, 2011 at 10:19 am [Reply]

    Mary Worth- “Emily Smith: Blonde hair, blue eyes”. Are we sure that little Emily isn’t in someway affiliated with the Santa Royale chapter of “Citizens for the Aryan race”? She was either kidnapped and brought to the compound or escaped from the compound. Either way this sounds much more dangerous than Gina’s run in with the mob.

    Luann- Ann Eiffel doesn’t seem to be nearly as attracted to shit eating grins, crazy curls, and moles running all the way up the ears as she is to monkey faces, hair plugs, and constant dumbfounded expressions.

    Funky- A small raffle of $1 tickets in a small town miraculously manages to save an entire athletic department. So obviously now they can call on a moments notice, let all the other schools, transportation providers, officials, and everyone else involved that lo and behold we’re back and they should pretend that nothing happened. So not only do they make everybody bend over backwards when they violated a number of rules to cancel sports at the last minute when the funds were already allocated; but now they expect everyone to bend over backwards to accomodate their dumb asses to reinstate them. All I can say to this is FUCK YOU BATIUK.

  47. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    December 5th, 2011 at 10:22 am [Reply]

    MW: I suspect that Mary keeps seeing Emily Smith because every woman around her looks like Emily Smith.

    Curtis: This really is the most miserable familial group in existence, isn’t it?

    SM: Christ, what an asshole.

    MT: Elrod doesn’t actually know what the word “celebrity” means, does he?

    RA: Is Donna A. Lewis letting us know that last year was her peak and it’s all downhill from here? Because I’m not sure how we’d be able to tell otherwise.

    FC: I kind of love Jeffy’s concerned look. “Well, what is it? Two or three weeks? Because I got a good three weeks of bad shit goin’ down, and I need to know if I have to postpone some of it to January.”

    JP: Listen to the man, Sophie; who better to lecture you on how to buy a boyfriend than the man who sold himself for a fancy ranch house, a Road Queer, and almost-unlimited freedom to “play pistols” with Randy?

  48. Comcis Fan
    December 5th, 2011 at 10:29 am [Reply]

    MW: Mary is going to find the girl at the diner (possibly eating with the purse-snatchers), and this is unfortunate because it echoes a true-life story that had a very tragic element.

    We then will be treated to weeks of Mary talking about fate and but for the forgotten sweater and how it was good she studied that poster so closely and kept aware of her surroundings and how we all have to look out for one another.

    This brings me to something amazing. A Facebook friend passed along this word she had just discovered, and my first thought, for both definitions, turned to Mary:

    sententious 1. abounding in pithy aphorisms 2. given to excessive moralizing; self righteous.

  49. Rixter
    December 5th, 2011 at 10:31 am [Reply]

    MW: Yes, this missing girl poster is such a damned inconvenience! How is Mary supposed to keep up with the really important things like her sweater and casseroles with this distraction?

    A3G: Leave it to Margo for one-upmanship! Tomorrow, the sordid details.

    Luann: TJ is pushing his luck. He’s signing on with Ann Eifell, without realizing he will become her mule, smuggling weenies into the state penitentiary.

    MT: Kelly envisions a new TV reality series. A Broadway musical. A coffee-table book. A new line of designer fashions. Another Stieg Larrson book, “The Girl Who Mined the Grizzly’s Lair.”

    BG&SS: How did they avoid the obvious joke? “Would’ja give me one’a urine?”

  50. AhClem
    December 5th, 2011 at 10:31 am [Reply]

    Luann can’t let go of her dead husband. Les can’t let go of his dead wife.

    If they ever got together, the concentration of extreme misery would create a rift in the space-time continuum. The Appalachian mountains, separating New York and Ohio, would have so much joy sucked out of them that they would become a 5,000-foot deep gorge.

  51. Ned Ryerson
    December 5th, 2011 at 10:32 am [Reply]

    Mark Trail: Each panel contains a prediction from Kelly. I shall respond to each:

    Panel 1: No, she won’t.
    Panel 2: No, he won’t.
    Panel 3: No, she won’t.

  52. Dennis Jimenez
    December 5th, 2011 at 10:33 am [Reply]

    Luann – Ooo – It just like when Imelda met Ferdinand, when Evita met Juan, Eleanor met Franklin – their destiny is complete – the whole world (well, weinnie world) will be theirs….

    GT – Don’t follow the strip, but I’m guessing with a whole new pack of needles, zit face will produce a first rate sampler with the whole alphabet – upper and lower case, and the numbers zero through nine….

    MW: Oh, I see her face everywhere I go,
    On the street, and even at the picture show,
    Have you seen her?
    Tell me, have you seen her?

    A3G: Dizzy in the head and I’m feeling blue,
    The things you’ve said, well, maybe they’re true,
    I’m gettin’ funny dreams again and again,
    I know what it means, but …
    Can’t explain….

    Neither can I – Adios Amigos, DJ.

  53. Katie
    December 5th, 2011 at 10:34 am [Reply]

    I really can’t blame Mary. That horrible kerning would be haunting me, too.

  54. Steve
    December 5th, 2011 at 10:34 am [Reply]

    MW: My prediction – Mary has a list of the locations of missing children, and she’s going to spend a month holding up her list and congratulating herself for having the list, and saying “list” a lot. An awful lot.

  55. hogenmogen
    December 5th, 2011 at 10:34 am [Reply]

    At the glacial pace that time progresses in the Luann strip, TJ was 14 probably back in the Reagan years. That would explain his Dippy-do curls and back flip haircut. The dark shirt and vest harken back to the roller-disco era, though. After receiving his first paycheck, I’m sure he’ll be out on the hunt to replace his worn out Duran Duran cassette tape.

    I also question the way that Ann Eiffel takes TJ’s word that he once worked in fast food, when he’s obviously been supporting himself in the gay porn industry.

  56. Snowshoecat
    December 5th, 2011 at 10:36 am [Reply]

    @Chip Whittle (#38): Sorry. Just can’t imagine Mary shopping at Talbot’s. WalMart is more like it. “A penny saved is a penny earned.” “make a list. Check it twice.”. No. Sorry. That second one is Santa.

  57. Katie
    December 5th, 2011 at 10:36 am [Reply]

    GT: I’m getting a yaoi vibe from this. Is new needles slang for something? Ugh. I’m going to have to chat up some manga people, aren’t I?

  58. Rixter
    December 5th, 2011 at 10:38 am [Reply]

    @AhClem (#50): “a 5,000-foot deep gorge
    Wouldn’t that be Hootin’ Holler?

  59. hogenmogen
    December 5th, 2011 at 10:46 am [Reply]

    I can’t wait until Rex Morgan shows up on the scene to save Kelly.

    Rex: What’s wrong with this girl?
    Spider: She’s o.d. on drugs!
    Rex: Did you try slapping her and telling her to wake up?
    Spider: Yeah!
    Rex: Then I’m all out of suggestions. Slap her again.
    Spider: But Doc, don’t you have a syringe of adrenaline or something?
    Rex: This isn’t Pulp Fiction.

  60. MikeyMike
    December 5th, 2011 at 10:48 am [Reply]

    It’s funny, because both Anne and TJ can only use sex for evil–pure, pure evil!–so expect TJ’s employment to lead, inevitably, to the hideous two-headed Devil Baby subplot that Luann always seems to promise but never quite delivers.

  61. teenchy
    December 5th, 2011 at 10:48 am [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#47): re MW: +1. Every female in the strip, including Mary, has the exact same facial features. Maybe they draw a wrinkle or two in for Mary. They don’t even bother to change the angle of the facial features, just slap the clip art faces onto the heads no matter what angle the head faces.

    I wonder which strip makes the most cut-and-paste heads/faces: MW or GT?

  62. Esther Blodgett
    December 5th, 2011 at 10:50 am [Reply]

    S-M: MJ is so excited about her new salary that her head has fallen off. Nice catch, MJ.

    MT: I’m impressed by how Kelly can change her hairstyle from sleek wings to kicky bangs between panels. Maybe she’s writing for the wrong kind of magazines.

    Pluggers: I call shenanigans. Pluggers were never good-looking. They may have been young and strong, but they were never attractive.

    GT: This would give me nightmares if I knew or remotely cared who these people were or what was going on.

  63. TheDiva
    December 5th, 2011 at 10:53 am [Reply]

    A3G: LuAnn looks surprised by Margo confessing something resembling human emotion, but really she’s just been distracted by something shiny off-panel.

    Luann: Ah, I should have guessed Evans wasn’t finished getting his vicarious revenge on “evil” Ann Eiffel here. Problems with an ex-wife, perhaps?

    MW: Mary can’t remember her sweater yet remains abnormally fixated on a single missing child poster, setting up the world’s first Alzheimer’s/Asperger’s crossover storyline. Beat that, Gil Thorp!

    C’shaft: Ah, the sweet indifference that comes from neither knowing or caring what Cranky is trying to say in the third panel. How I’ve missed thee.

    FW: Great, Les’ entitled, unreasonable self-pity is spreading.

    MT: Yeah, Mother McQueen will be a household name to the five people who read your nature magazine.

    PBS: It’s nice to see Sphinxter’s finding work in a more respectable comic.

    Pluggers: Pluggers are old, blah blah…oh hey, there’s a Denver in Pennsylvania? Learn something new everyday.

    SM: Given the cost of living in New York, I don’t think Peter’s being facetious.

  64. commodorejohn
    December 5th, 2011 at 10:57 am [Reply]

    A3G – Damn it, Josh already took the good joke. I mean, how else are we supposed to read that expression?

    DT – What’s Zeta Vincent from Narbonic doing there?

    Dilbert – Dammit, @Little Guy (#294) beat me to it.

    F- – I do think we should hand out the power to marry to more people likely to abuse it in hilarious ways.

    GT – Psst, Brody, the problem with getting a tattoo of the Mandelbrot set is you’re going to be stuck there for eternity while the guy uses ever-smaller needles to fill in the details.

    JP – Sophie, if you’re counting on that old saw about horizontal stripes to make you look *ahem* more Abbey-like, you might also consider that not only do they make you look wider, they make you look eight years old. Just a bit of advice.

    Luann – Christ, how many people in Luann wear Unmoving Plaid?

    Phantom – Hey, look! Tommie looks exactly as dead inside in other strips as she does in Apartment 3-G!

    Shoe – Shoe, if you’re going to make a joke, at least have the decency to make a funny joke. I mean, you could have said “no, because she reminds me of the menarche lycanthropy movie from 2000 by that title,” and it still wouldn’t have been funny, but it wouldn’t have been any less funny. [*]

    SM – Christ, what an asshole.

  65. sporknpork
    December 5th, 2011 at 10:57 am [Reply]

    Hey Mary, it’s easy to find Emily Smith. There are two of them right behind you!

  66. Rocky Stoneaxe
    December 5th, 2011 at 10:58 am [Reply]

    @hogenmogen (#55): I also question the way that Ann Eiffel takes TJ’s word that he once worked in fast food, when he’s obviously been supporting himself in the gay porn industry.

    Since Weenie World’s a front for a gay escort service, TJ should fit right in.

  67. Northernlurker
    December 5th, 2011 at 10:59 am [Reply]

    I must be sick but I’m obsessing with MT.
    Sorry, Kelly, but an article in whatever outdoors magazine you and Mark work for will not turn Honey into a celebrity. The three people who read it will not immediately fly to Happy Valley.
    Happy Valley will not turn into a tourist mecca. There are other menageries to see and nobody wants to take a three-hour hike to see someplace that’s no prettier than a lot of other places, especially one that’s guarded by a lunatic RCMP officer.
    How come none of these reporters have asked Mother McQueen why Father McQueen banded two birds–or was it one birded–with a gold band inscripted with a Bible verse?
    Oh, by the way, I think Honey the bear is a shape shifter. His other identity is that of Long Dong Silver and he intends to ravish Kelly repeatedly.

  68. Dono
    December 5th, 2011 at 11:01 am [Reply]

    Today’s Crankshaft raises the question “How the hell do you get to be a professional cartoonist without knowing the punch line comes at the END of a joke?”

    I mean, seriously, even if the punch line isn’t funny, it still belongs at the end. It wouldn’t have taken much editing to arrange today’s strip into something jokelike (even without eliminating the nonsense word “tickytack”):

    First Panel:
    Crankshaft: They’re calling a lot more tickytack penalties these days.

    Second Panel:
    Nebbish Guy: What do you mean?

    Third Panel:
    Referee: Five-yard penalty, offensive scolding.

    Do Batiuk/Ayers even review these things before submitting them? It ain’t that hard.

  69. Little Guy
    December 5th, 2011 at 11:01 am [Reply]

    I’m just waiting to see what NAoQV does with this.

  70. Joe, the Upper-Evergreen Guy
    December 5th, 2011 at 11:08 am [Reply]

    Crank: …………WHAT???

    FW: Hooray!! The $200 we raised means we can keep all the sports programs!!

    Luann: Josh, TJ is secretly rich. His dad set up a trust fund or bank account or something like that, before he moved to Argentina……just thought you’s like to know. But I’ll say one thing…….Evans can always throw a twist when you least expect it.

    SFx: Oh, yeah, like THAT makes total sense.

    Archie: All we need now are some brass poles going through those tables and we’re all set!

    SixChix: I’m sorry, but day after day, I just don’t get the supposed-humor in this comic.

    Love is…: Sappy.

  71. Das Storminator
    December 5th, 2011 at 11:08 am [Reply]

    GT: I’m pretty sure that’s the juicing pitcher kid from however long ago.

  72. Pseudo3D
    December 5th, 2011 at 11:11 am [Reply]

    A3G – Margo? Once married? Either her personality was completely different back then, or she killed her husband.

    FW – I’ll take bourbon babe and commodorejohn’s Spider-Man commentary for this one…

    Spider-Man – …but I’ll go with TheDiva’s on this one.

    MT – I worry about this “editor” and his interest in the pictures.

  73. Rocky Stoneaxe
    December 5th, 2011 at 11:11 am [Reply]

    @Dennis Jimenez (#52):

    Oh, I see her face everywhere I go,
    On the street, and even at the picture show,
    Have you seen her?
    Tell me, have you seen her?

    Ah… ah… ah… ah… ah… ah…
    Ooh… ooh… ooh… ooh… ooh… ooh… ooh… ooh…
    Ah… ah… ah… ah… ah… ah…
    Ooh… ooh… ooh… ooh… ooh… ooh… ooh… ooh…

  74. Das Storminator
    December 5th, 2011 at 11:12 am [Reply]

    @Das Storminator (#71): Marty DeJong, from Summer 2009

  75. Dood
    December 5th, 2011 at 11:13 am [Reply]

    Whoa, Margo’s totally bun amok!

  76. Mottsnave
    December 5th, 2011 at 11:20 am [Reply]

    9CL: In the first panel, Amos’ lifelong dream of becoming a human buttplug has finally been fulfilled.

  77. Perky Bird
    December 5th, 2011 at 11:21 am [Reply]

    Mark Trail: The freakish muzzle and strange legwarmer-like things Honey the Bear is wearing are giving me the disturbing mental image of Hannibal Lecter about to bust out in a Flashdance-style dance number.

  78. Notebooked
    December 5th, 2011 at 11:23 am [Reply]

    I didn’t realize it until today, but…his name is ‘Brody Abro’? Wouldn’t that, the most fanatically brodacious name in all of brostory, cause anyone to develop antisocial tendencies?

    (Yes, I know Asperger’s Syndrome can’t be just filed in with ‘antisocial tendencies’. I just wanted to make that observation. Sorry.)

  79. the modern serf
    December 5th, 2011 at 11:26 am [Reply]

    Mary Worth has obviously encountered the Zahir, “an object that has the power to create an obsession in everyone who sees it, so that the affected person perceives less and less of reality and more and more of the Zahir, at first only while asleep, then at all times.”

    As long as the writers of Mary Worth are reading Borges, maybe she can discover the existence of society that is surreptitiously creating a parallel world where logic is impossible in the next plot arc?

  80. gkl
    December 5th, 2011 at 11:27 am [Reply]

    MW: Mary may have forgotten her sweater, but she remembered her scarf! You could be otherwise nude, but if you’re wearing a scarf, you’re more than well-dressed enough for a fine restaurant or a term in the Senate. (This message brought to you by the Charterstone Scarfery circa 1974.)

    Also, I’m sorry for making you think of a nude Mary Worth. Sort of. Not really.

  81. bats :[
    December 5th, 2011 at 11:28 am [Reply]

    Gee, Mary, maybe you didn’t have your wallet stolen…maybe you just FORGOT it. And maybe Emily hasn’t been kidnapped…maybe her parents only FORGOT to pick her up at the bus station. Santa Royale: the EPA’s poster child for dementia-inducing toxins in the water system.

  82. Some Guy
    December 5th, 2011 at 11:29 am [Reply]

    Archie: Wait, this is a rerun from the nineties? Not the fifties?

    DT: Is Dick Tracy ready to face his most dangerous foe yet … Simon Cowell?

    FW: Yes, anyone in Westview who thinks they might be “happy” needs to re-examine the situation for aspects of soul-crushing despair they may have missed. Bull did it in Sunday’s strip, now it’s your turn.

    (And, Summer, if you’re still wringing some joy out of the Kilimanjaro trip, might I remind you that you’re going with your dad, a passive-agressive dick who hates the idea?)

    Marvin: I’ve kept quiet about this all last week, but AARGH! If you’re writing in block capitals, “YOUTUBE” should be in block capitals! It still means the same thing! (See also: WikiLeaks.)

    MT: As ever, Kelly doesn’t appear to know she’s doing A Bad Thing. Mother McQueen’s going to be famous! Everyone wants to be famous, right? Yet she was right there when Sgt McQueen explained they didn’t want hordes of bird-band crazy tourists flocking to Happy Valley. (Since both Kelly and Sarge believe this will happen, its total ludicrousness is irrelevent to this conundrum.)

    S4th: Except when Ted realises the other four boxes are his mint-in-the-packaging Star Wars figures, he’ll want to hang them on the tree instead.

  83. NoahSnark
    December 5th, 2011 at 11:29 am [Reply]

    Looks like everyone who Mary meddles with will be left with lovely gifts and prizes.

  84. Rocky Stoneaxe
    December 5th, 2011 at 11:30 am [Reply]

  85. twg
    December 5th, 2011 at 11:31 am [Reply]

    GT: They should’ve put in a trigger warning for today’s strip. Jesus Christ.

    MT: Wait, does Kelly Welly have earrings that attach to her hair? What the crap.

    RMMD: This story arc has been stupid, but thanks for not making Spider sexually assault Kelly, at least. I mean, who knew we’d be leaving that storyline to Gil Thorp?

  86. Esther Blodgett
    December 5th, 2011 at 11:34 am [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#1): RIP Alan Sues. Loved him on “Laugh-In.” Charming closeted gay man with a devilish grin…could he be TJ’s mysterious father (or, I guess, grandfather)?

  87. Liam
    December 5th, 2011 at 11:35 am [Reply]

    MW-Mary’s thoughts about the missing poster are turning to the obssesive almost stalkerish. She will soon be standing outside the grocery store just staring at the poster.

  88. Mary Worthless
    December 5th, 2011 at 11:36 am [Reply]

    The Alzheimer’s is starting to take hold.

    Sadly, before Mary can get the care she so desperately needs, she is going to forget where she is supposed to be and will begin roaming through other strips blathering platitudes to bewildered toons.

    She may tell Luann about marrying into a bad religious sect.

    She may advise Lu Ann about the dangers of sex and drugs in high school.

    It will reach the most poignant moment when she wanders into Classic Peanuts and starts calling, “Sparky? Where are you? I see all your characters but where are you? Sparrrrrrrky, come out and we can go roll hoops together!!”

  89. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    December 5th, 2011 at 11:37 am [Reply]

    Dick – What would surprise Dick is if this doesn’t turn out like every other time he’s been on television, radio, at the grocery store, or on public transportation. With a bloodbath. The only thing that surprises him now is the speed with which events seem to take place lately.

    Gil – I dunno. Should he trust a tattoo artist who doesn’t seem to have any tattoos?

    love is… …Ecstasy. Apparently. With a capital E.

  90. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    December 5th, 2011 at 11:38 am [Reply]

    Mary – On Thursday, the camera pulls back to show more of Mary than just above the waist, and we learn what else she forgot today.

    Pardon – And yet, in the 1930s, the Germans managed to simply circumvent the mighty Marcel Marceau Line. A sobering history lesson.

    Pluggers – Joke’s on you, pal! They never said I was good looking. Ha! In your face! I’ll just go weep quietly, as usual.

    R=R – Well, I guess that explains the starved little red birds I find frozen to the ground around this time of year.

  91. Liam
    December 5th, 2011 at 11:38 am [Reply]

    A3G-”I’ve sucked Gary’s dick,” Margo says smugly.

  92. Mary Worthless
    December 5th, 2011 at 11:38 am [Reply]

    (continuing on after mindlessly hitting post)

    Fortunately for Mary, she will walk into the rounded panel and be outfitted with a Billy tracking device. Once that is in place, Doctor Jeff can dash off and save her.

  93. doggans
    December 5th, 2011 at 11:40 am [Reply]

    MW – I’d remember every detail too if I saw a poster with such horribly-spaced typography.

  94. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    December 5th, 2011 at 11:40 am [Reply]

    Mark – Teddy bear, teddy bear, where have you been?
    London, Ontario, with Ma McQueen.
    Teddy bear, teddy bear, what did you do there?
    I ate a reporter with shiny blue hair.
    Teddy bear, teddy bear, what’s that in your eye?
    A tear. Call the wolves, for I’m ready to die.
    Teddy bear, teddy bear, have you some last words?
    Go bother a squirrel. This strip’s for the birds.

    Family – “MOMMY! Jeffy’s tryin’ to hump me for no reason!”

  95. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    December 5th, 2011 at 11:40 am [Reply]

    @Joe Btfsplk (#y285): Thanks for the slide rules! The digital readouts are sort of like the realization of a cartoon I drew back in the 90s. Only workable!

    @Jessy (#34): Jessy, this is all part of the confrontation. We’re just setting up for when Pa Linski explains that Paul just can’t marry some used vixen who’s going to call out some other guy’s name on their honeymoon. Once was enough!

    @Mehe (#45): 9CL: that’s a huge ass.
    Yes. Edda finally made something of herself.

  96. Walker of Dog
    December 5th, 2011 at 11:46 am [Reply]

    @Comcis Fan (#48): I misread your MW post as ‘Mary is going to find the girl at the diner (possibly eating the purse-snatchers),’ which would definitely qualify as a tragic element.

    A3G: Margo: “I’ve been there. Gary was a great kisser and a spectacular lover. He just needed to be… instructed.”

    DT: Three villians from the Tracyverse: Hot Rize, Bizarro Phantom, and Stan Lee.

    FC: Jeffy looks upset: “It’s No-Wedgie Month already?”

  97. Joshua
    December 5th, 2011 at 11:47 am [Reply]

    Am I a horrible person for finding the prospect of watching Mary Worth inexorably slip into senility completely hilarious?

  98. btown
    December 5th, 2011 at 11:55 am [Reply]

    A3G Margo: “I’ve been there. In your dreams, that is. Don’t you recognize me? Oh, that’s right, you can’t read. Guess you’ve never heard of Yog Sothoth, then”

  99. Old School Allie Cat
    December 5th, 2011 at 11:55 am [Reply]

    gilthorp – I actually thought this was going to be a steroid plot, not getting inked.

    Or, this could be an acupuncturist who also gives happy endings.

    Nah, that would be too interesting.

  100. Dan
    December 5th, 2011 at 11:59 am [Reply]

    I don’t think TJ ever parts his teeth when he speaks. Does Luann have any happy middle ground between “slack-jawed dull surprise” and “parseltongue?”

  101. Walker of Dog
    December 5th, 2011 at 12:11 pm [Reply]

    MT: Honey the Bear can’t wait to open her Twitter account and maul her first paparazzo.

    MW: Mary’s dementia spiral deepens when she loses her list of all the things she has lost.
    “Help me, Missing White Girl – you’re my only hope!”

    Plug: And you achieve True Pluggerhood when you can acknowledge, with both pride and resentment, that both statements are, and always were, lies.

    S-M: Ten thousand dollars a month will buy Mary Jane a lot of rehab.

  102. Amykins
    December 5th, 2011 at 12:14 pm [Reply]

    I’ll just leave this here.

  103. Amykins
    December 5th, 2011 at 12:14 pm [Reply]

  104. mumbles
    December 5th, 2011 at 12:20 pm [Reply]

    FW: “Maybe we need to rethink how happy we should be feeling.” Put this on a refrigerator magnet and have the band sell them door to door. That’ll fund the athletics department.
    And seriously, this town is so soul-crushing that high school girls look like middle-aged lady real estate agents.

  105. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    December 5th, 2011 at 12:25 pm [Reply]

    9CL: Amos’ testicles grew three sizes that day. . .

    AD: Ginkotsu, the early days.

    CdS: ever so much win. another ILTS moment.

    NAoQV: ironically, I was reading this on Yahoo. . . . (which only took 4 weeks to get back on schedule after DST ended.)

    Zits: yup, 16 year old boys work that way. (and yes, you want to ‘get’ that, Jeremy)

    Crank: is watching a Lions game, obviously.

    FW: even Funky ships Keisha/Summer!!!

    PMP: probably NSFBG. definitely not safe for anyone else, either.

    RwO: “and then a miracle happens”

    SFx: hot weasel babe, thank you Mr. Weber Jr.

    rMC: hotter fox babe is hotter.

    late to the snark, snarpologies as needed.

  106. Effluvius Erratus
    December 5th, 2011 at 12:29 pm [Reply]

    Hey guys, WikiLeaks just posted a June 2012 Mary Worth strip!

  107. tb4000
    December 5th, 2011 at 12:30 pm [Reply]

    9CL: As with all of us menfolk, the only way we actually gain some balls is via the vagina.

  108. DAS
    December 5th, 2011 at 12:31 pm [Reply]

    What’s with Ann Eifel’s blouse today? Is the cartoonist/illustrator trying to tell us something? Is Ann Eifel’s outfit really made out of bricks? I think he may have gotten confused: the song goes “she’s a brick house” not “she wears a brick blouse”.

  109. bemibet
    December 5th, 2011 at 12:31 pm [Reply]

    GT – Maybe that’s “Mirror Brody Abro”, in an homage to “Star Trek.”

  110. Nehemiah Scudder
    December 5th, 2011 at 12:37 pm [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#3): I can’t seem to find a good image of Sut Tattersall to put on Mary Worth’s Missing poster. Anyone got anything like that out there?

  111. John C Fremont
    December 5th, 2011 at 12:38 pm [Reply]

    @Mr. O’Malley (#y292): Wow, I could have sworn that Alan Sues passed away clear back in the eighties. I’d been certain of it all these years. I wonder how I made that up…

    Google was no help, but remember (maybe during his stint with Laugh In, maybe shortly after) when he made the news because some bigot punched him in the face? I think he even lost some teeth. Or maybe my brain manufactured that memory as well. Stupid brain.

  112. Precisiona
    December 5th, 2011 at 12:38 pm [Reply]

    Hooonnnnk…. hreeennk… hnooonnkkkk*

    We interrupt this snarking to bring you a special grammar bulletin from the Didactic Duo**. Since we are likely to see much discussion of blondness in the coming weeks (what with Linskis and little lost girls), please be advised:

    A woman with blond hair is a blonde.
    A man with blond hair is a blond.
    The adjective is always blond.

    This bulletin should in no way be construed as putting pressure on any individual Mudge to follow this grammatical rule. This concludes the special grammar bulletin. We now return you to your regular snarking, already in progress.

    *bulletin sound performed by Master Petey Otterloop
    ** I assume my esteemed colleague Grammatica agrees – unless this is one of those cases where academic practice differs from copy editing practice – but I don’t think it is.

  113. wossname
    December 5th, 2011 at 12:41 pm [Reply]

    Brody Abro = Yo Drab Bro, or (when he’s at the Bucket) Bar Broody

  114. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    December 5th, 2011 at 12:43 pm [Reply]

    Love Is. . . . hoverfucking.

  115. Anonymous
    December 5th, 2011 at 12:43 pm [Reply]

    @Braniff (#2):
    And here I just thought it was an attempted wedgie. What little I know!

  116. bats :[
    December 5th, 2011 at 12:48 pm [Reply]

  117. Calico
    December 5th, 2011 at 12:52 pm [Reply]

    #115 was me – cookie purge!

  118. bats :[
    December 5th, 2011 at 12:54 pm [Reply]

    @Effluvius Erratus (#106): Amazing!

    And for what it’s worth, I’d much rather see Ann and TJ shenanigans than those with Toni and B-wad (whose balls ought to be very, very blue by now, if he had any), and far more than those with Luann and Quill (or Gunther, or Delta, or Pud…).

  119. Hibbleton
    December 5th, 2011 at 12:58 pm [Reply]

    MW: Poster girl haunts our approaching holidays as do the two children, ignorance and want, under the robe of “The Ghost of Xmas Present” in Dickens’ A Christmas Carol, as symbolized in this strip by Toby and Wilbur respectively.

  120. Dennis Jimenez
    December 5th, 2011 at 1:05 pm [Reply]

    @Hibbleton (#119): I see a lonely pompous chinbeard, sitting on the hearth mantle – if these shadows remain unchanged – I know somebody who won’t be needing a Mr. Whisker Trim Kit in his stocking this year….

  121. Vince M
    December 5th, 2011 at 1:09 pm [Reply]

    @Hibbleton (#119): Full name being, of course, Want A Sandwich.

  122. Comcis Fan
    December 5th, 2011 at 1:19 pm [Reply]

    Luann: There’s something Escher-like, or maybe downright magical, about the way Anne Eiffel’s powersuit forms to her boobous outline. The grid remains straight and unaltered by any curves, or even by gaps between her torso and arms. Would the hiring manager at Weenie World have anything as advanced as a nanosuit with shape-shifting particles that keep its pattern constant, no matter how the wearer moves nor how unattractive the pattern?

  123. Baka Gaijin
    December 5th, 2011 at 1:25 pm [Reply]

    @Minarets (#18) on Mark Trail: That’s actually on my Bucket List.

    @Minarets (#26): I would buy pincushions and some monkeys to jab the pins into the doppelganger.

    @Katie (#53): COTW-worthy!

  124. Katy
    December 5th, 2011 at 1:32 pm [Reply]

    Am I the only one who doesn’t get today’s Sally Forth? Did Ted move the other 12 boxes back to the attic again after taking them down? Did he put the car in the attic? SOMEONE HELP ME.

  125. Marc
    December 5th, 2011 at 1:35 pm [Reply]

    @AhClem (#50): Well, that’s bad news for the state of Pennsylvania.

  126. Marc
    December 5th, 2011 at 1:37 pm [Reply]

    @hogenmogen (#55): My guess is that Mickey D’s is the name of the gay porn studio that TJ works for and not in fact McDonalds, as Ann Eiffel and unsuspecting readers might assume.

  127. seismic-2
    December 5th, 2011 at 1:40 pm [Reply]

    Luann: Today’s episode immediately raises 3 questions:
    (1) TJ will cause a kitchen fire that burns down Weenie World, won’t he?
    (2) Toni and Brad will be called upon (from their separate fire stations) to rescue Ann Eiffel, won’t they?
    (3) Is it too late for me to sign up for a raffle ticket to go hiking on Mount Kilimanjaro for the next several months?

    MW: Another thing that Mary forgot today is what happened the last time that she attempted to keep her earrings in place by applying Crazy Glue.

    JP: “Abbey and Marie went to town early… big sale at on the mall!

    Fixed it for them. In the ParkerSpencerDriververse, even the maid can never own too many malls.

  128. Effluvius Erratus
    December 5th, 2011 at 1:43 pm [Reply]

    @Katy (#124): I think the car must be the attic, assuming it’s made out of Legos and a 2-stroke lawnmower engine. What’s really throwing me is Ted’s “I was more forklift than man.” Did he finally get those bionic implants he’s been pining for?

  129. Baka Gaijin
    December 5th, 2011 at 1:44 pm [Reply]

    @TheDiva (#63): There’s an Indiana University in Pennsylvania, too.

    @Perky Bird (#77): The only thing that can make that scene freakier is if Honey breaks out in a chorus of “Xanadu” while computing square roots on a slide rule.

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#90) on Mary Worth: Some of us are trying to eat here. Scratch that. Some of us WERE trying to eat here.

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#105): Now you see why I always take a train into France. No harlequin gauntlet at Gare du Nord. A gauntlet of urine-odored hobos, definitely, but no clowns.

  130. AhClem
    December 5th, 2011 at 1:48 pm [Reply]

    @Comcis Fan (#122):

    Luann: There’s something Escher-like, or maybe downright magical, about the way Anne Eiffel’s powersuit forms to her boobous outline. The grid remains straight and unaltered by any curves, or even by gaps between her torso and arms…

    Her blouse is made from 30% cotton, 50% polyester and 20% Zip-a-tone.

  131. Katy
    December 5th, 2011 at 1:49 pm [Reply]

    @Effluvius Erratus (#128): But then … WHERE ARE THE OTHER 12 BOXES? Why would moving the car to the attic make 12 boxes disappear? Except they haven’t disappeared, because she’s saying they can be stored where the car used to be. And why would Ted be putting things INTO the attic if he’s getting the boxes OUT?

    Someone, help! Help! Plus, my CAPS LOCK is STUCK! Like Mark Trail’s bold key!

  132. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    December 5th, 2011 at 1:51 pm [Reply]

    non-scruffy Westy.

    Dil, the teenage years.

    Next in Gil Thorp.

    a response to today’s Lio.


    Xmas Pudge.

  133. Effluvius Erratus
    December 5th, 2011 at 1:55 pm [Reply]

    @Katy (#131): I think our primary error is in trying to find a “why” for anything Ted does that is not related to GenX pop culture touchstones. We’re talking about a man who would be a Teamster if he has as many coffee breaks as he has psychotic breaks.

  134. Baka Gaijin
    December 5th, 2011 at 1:56 pm [Reply]

    Mary’s going to blather on and on about that poor little lost girl until her rectum prolapses from boredom.

  135. Katy
    December 5th, 2011 at 1:58 pm [Reply]

    @Effluvius Erratus (#133): You have made me feel much better. When Ted is in the comic strip, Dada ensues. I can stop clenching my teeth now. Thank you.

  136. Anonymous
    December 5th, 2011 at 2:05 pm [Reply]

    I’m wondering about Honey the bear. I mean, the hand-knit muzzle is functional (well, for a non-aggressive bear, anyway), but the leather one is too creepy. I wonder where Elrod gets his ideas, really.

  137. jamoche
    December 5th, 2011 at 2:05 pm [Reply]

    Curtis: At this time of year, when every store starts playing the kind of Christmas songs that get stuck in your head, you’re actually complaining that you’re immune to the effect?

  138. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    December 5th, 2011 at 2:07 pm [Reply]

    Ted couldn’t stop moving boxes. I would guess the car isn’t in the garage because there are too many boxes there already.

    On a related note, this all could be said to follow the ancient saying, “What the gods would throw away, they first put in the garage.”

    @Baka Gaijin (#129): Think of all the ways I could have put that. I was pretty indirect about it.

  139. Rocky Stoneaxe
    December 5th, 2011 at 2:10 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#110): I can’t seem to find a good image of Sut Tattersall to put on Mary Worth’s Missing poster. Anyone got anything like that out there?

    I hope this image of a painted Marx figure will suffice:

    (Sut is between Loweezy and Jughaid!)

  140. Baka Gaijin
    December 5th, 2011 at 2:12 pm [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#138): That’s right. Your comment didn’t include the terms “leathery,” “wrinkled,” “musty,” “cobwebbed,” or anything related to Mary’s undercarriage.

  141. seismic-2
    December 5th, 2011 at 2:13 pm [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#138): Perhaps it’s on account of the Walt Disney birthday, but your comment makes me want a Ted Forth animated version of “The Sorcerer’s Apprentice” more than anything, ever. Well, except the Ted Forth version of the Star Wars Holiday Special, of course.

  142. Rocky Stoneaxe
    December 5th, 2011 at 2:18 pm [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#139): Seems I’ve encountered some technical difficulty, so try this image of Sut Tattersall instead:

  143. Rixter
    December 5th, 2011 at 2:25 pm [Reply]

    @Liam (#87): “Mary’s thoughts about the missing poster are turning to the obssesive almost stalkerish. She will soon be standing outside the grocery store just staring at the poster.

    Mary called the Smiths and asked for the poster in wallet-size. She’s setting up her replacement wallet and would like some nice pictures.

  144. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    December 5th, 2011 at 2:32 pm [Reply]

    @the modern serf (#79):

    a parallel world where logic is impossible

    Isn’t that just Mark Trail?

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#90): Note to self: Do not read Mary Worth on Thursday!

    @Precisiona (#112): Grammatica agrees; moreover, she delights in such fine points.

  145. Snuggs
    December 5th, 2011 at 2:51 pm [Reply]

    Luann: I suppose it would be funny if TJ ran off Ann by being entirely into whatever sadomasochistic schemes she has in store for him. Ann: “TJ, put on this yoke and clean off these tables. You’re working overtime every night this week, so I’m afraid you won’t be seeing your friend Brad anytime soon. MOOHOOHAHAHA!” TJ: “Okay, sweet! By the way, I hope you don’t have any plans for those big wooden spoons in the storeroom, hint hint!” Ann: “… I’m afraid this isn’t going to work out.”

    Mary Worth: I’m thinking that missing child poster has been hanging in that window for fifty years. It compels Mary because she was Emily Smith before being kidnapped by a shady coven and brainwashed into being the latest in a long line of Mary Worths that reaches back to the Middle Ages. Back then a Mary Worth was expected to slay dragons and cast demons from people, but by now the job has eroded down to helping people with relationship problems and occasionally slaying the descendants of their greatest enemy, Mordred Kelrast.

  146. Jackbishop
    December 5th, 2011 at 2:53 pm [Reply]

    I’m relieved to find I’m not the only one who saw drugs-for-sex shenanigans in today’s GT. Welcome to the blood donation permanent deferral list, guys!

  147. bunivasal
    December 5th, 2011 at 2:53 pm [Reply]

    I don’t know what’s happening in today’s Gil Thorpe. All I see is a man with an earring holding down a naked, sweating man, and promising him it’s a new pack of needles. This guy isn’t a tattoo artist. He’s a serial killer.

    Join us today for our new Gil Thorpe storyline: The Milford Murderer. I’d come up with a better name, but serial killer press names have to be alliterative.

  148. Artist formerly known as Ben
    December 5th, 2011 at 3:12 pm [Reply]

    GT: Oh, tattoos. I thought at first that Lorenzo Lamas was either dealing heroin or hooking Tufty up with steroids. Since that’s not the case, it remains to be seen which hot button topic will be put through the ringer this time.

    A3G: Margo too? For a dead guy, Gary really gets around.

    FW: As it happens, “Maybe we need to rethink how happy we should be feeling” is also on the Batiuk family crest.

    S-M: Mary Jane will soon be playing Kevin in “Home Alone: The Musical.” Peter, meanwhile, continues his run in the hit show “Christ What an Asshole!”

    JP: “Whoa! Get involved in parenting? Not this boy.”

    HOTC: Come now, Dean. Do you think that Santa isn’t going to make his robot surrogates out of soft polymer? This is all Android 101 stuff.

    SFx: Wow, Willie Weasel’s girlfriend even has the high-n-tight Bensonhusrt ponytail. If ever a Slylock Fox installment merited the Law & Order “Thunk Thunk!” sound effect, this is it.

    DT: They’ve got a Shawntae. They’ve got a lady with Brigitte Nielsen hair. Looks like all the reality show basics are covered.

    6C: ????

    Phantom: In the nick of time, the narration box remembers who pays its salary. Not some stupid scalpel jockey in a Texas OR, but Kit Walker! The Ghost Who Demands Due Credit!

  149. The Gringo KId
    December 5th, 2011 at 3:12 pm [Reply]

    The All-Fs edition:

    Funky: “You two need to be home in bed”: If Bull of all people is perceptive enough to figure out the relationship between Summer and Kesha, why can’t anyone else in this strip?

    Fuzzy: Nice punchline there.

    Fluggers: And you know you’re a Flugger when someone asks, “Working hard?” and you reply, “Hardly working.”

    Flex Morgan: And the weekend cabin party threatens to turn into either “Weekend at Bernie’s” or “Cabin Fever.”

  150. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    December 5th, 2011 at 3:13 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#129):

    Re: Indiana University of Pennsylvania

    There is also a California of Pennsylvania:

    It is easy to find, just take the Hershey Highway ( at Intercourse (

  151. Artist formerly known as Ben
    December 5th, 2011 at 3:18 pm [Reply]

    @Precisiona (#112): Along the same lines:
    A man with dark hair is a brunet.
    A woman with dark hair is a brunette.

    Why the English language hasn’t followed this rule to its logical conclusion and dubbed Lucille Ball a redheadde, I’ll never know.

  152. UncleJeff
    December 5th, 2011 at 3:19 pm [Reply]

    A3G: I think it’s time Margo checked the carbon monoxide detector in LuAnn’s room.

    MW: I like Josh’s idea. My version would end with Mary hallucinating that she’s hearing the beat of a tell-tale heart under her floorboards…then breaking into an operating room of the hospital during a transplant surgery and holding off the staff with a scalpel.

  153. wossname
    December 5th, 2011 at 3:31 pm [Reply]

    @Artist formerly known as Ben (#151): Yeah, I (in my Precisiona role) was pondering why the adjective doesn’t add the “e” when it’s modifying something feminine. The obvious answer would be, because we’re not speaking French. But what about “éminence grise”? I guess that’s different because those two words are sort of a unit.

    I know I’m being OT and nitpicky, but there’s ample precedent. Two words: slide rules.

  154. Baka Gaijin
    December 5th, 2011 at 3:32 pm [Reply]

    @Snuggs (#145) on Mary Worth: As long as that long line of Mary Worths does not wear purple striped spandex, I’m fine. *

    * in the Bandar tongue

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#150): You make that sound so naughty!

  155. Effluvius Erratus
    December 5th, 2011 at 3:45 pm [Reply]

  156. Cloudbuster
    December 5th, 2011 at 3:48 pm [Reply]

    @Comcis Fan (#122): That’s the laziest use of a bucket-fill texture I’ve seen since I first started playing with McPaint on my Mac 512 back in 1985 or so.

  157. Cloudbuster
    December 5th, 2011 at 3:48 pm [Reply]

    @Cloudbuster (#156): Um, MacPaint.

  158. Perky Bird
    December 5th, 2011 at 3:53 pm [Reply]

    So, Anne Eiffel is amused by something someone says and impulsively hires them? Next week, tune in as she tries to hire the entire cast of “Big Bang Theory” because she caught herself chuckling during this week’s episode.

  159. Shrug
    December 5th, 2011 at 3:58 pm [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#1):

    “@Mr. O’Malley (#y292): Following up on 1960s humor, Alan Sues from Laugh-In has died. ”

    I’d not heard that, and am sorry to learn of his death.

    Back in I think 1974, before the MONTY PYTHON tv shows had began airing in the US (at least in my neck of the woods), their compilation film AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT played very briefly in Minneapolis. When the first Mrs. Shrug and I went to see it, there were only about six people in the audience, and only one who was laughing as hard as we were. I later found out (via said first Mrs. Shrug, a theater person) that the other loud laugh belonged to Alan Sues, who was in town for some special event.

    That film was my first real exposure to prime PYTHON (I’d seen one of the inferior last season episodes on a trip to Canada a few months before), and it represents the hardest I’ve ever laughed in my life, and one of only two times I literally fell on the floor in helpless muscle-spasming laughter. So even aside from his fine work on LAUGH IN I’ve always had a softspot in my heart for Alan Sues, just for sharing that moment with me.

  160. Edward F. Rochester
    December 5th, 2011 at 4:13 pm [Reply]

    LUANN: Yeah, I know TJ’s schemes seldom or never work, even when he means well, but I have a hunch that he has something up his sleeve here — to get his boss fired. If this weren’t a comic strip, perhaps he would piss in the sour kraut pot, but it is, so he has to do something a little more subtle, like burn down the kitchen, as somebody has already suggested. Since he doesn’t seem to need money, and doesn’t need the job, let’s see what he has up his sleeve. And let’s see if he tells Brad that’s he’s taken a job in Weenie World, and if he does tell him, if he tells him WHY he took the job. And if his boss hired him just because of his good looks and wit, well, she is more fucked up than any of us has ever imagined.

  161. Shrug
    December 5th, 2011 at 4:26 pm [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#23):

    “Curtis – This already exists. It took me until Saturday to stop hearing “In the desert, you can remember your name, …”

    Just wait until the new SPIDERMAN plot kicks in. As several Mudges have noticed, Thor is presumed to have a huge, uh, “personal hammer” which will make Peter Parker feel even more emasculated. In other words, he’ll have been getting his just desserts from a Norse with no shame.

  162. Little Guy
    December 5th, 2011 at 4:32 pm [Reply]

    @Perky Bird (#158): “Coitus!” “That BITCH!” “HOW-WARD!!!!!!”

    Side note: Tiffany’s latest scheme will succeed due to Evil Wil Wheaton.

  163. Artist formerly known as Ben
    December 5th, 2011 at 4:36 pm [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#94):

    Family – “MOMMY! Jeffy’s tryin’ to hump me for no reason!”

    Oh man. By the time I actually got around to snarking comics today I had repressed that one.

  164. Baka Gaijin
    December 5th, 2011 at 4:37 pm [Reply]

    @Shrug (#161): “…he’ll have been getting his just desserts from a Norse with no shame.” Too punny.

  165. Liam
    December 5th, 2011 at 4:40 pm [Reply]

    FC-Did you kids kill someone?

    MT-This story is going to go viral.

  166. Artist formerly known as Ben
    December 5th, 2011 at 4:46 pm [Reply]

    @Some Guy (#82): Marvin is wearing a saggy wiki that leaks.

  167. Shrug
    December 5th, 2011 at 4:48 pm [Reply]

    @TheDiva (#63):

    “MT: Yeah, Mother McQueen will be a household name to the five people who read your nature magazine.”

    Even the five who read WOODS AND WILDLIFE have learned to skip over Kelly Welly’s articles. I only read it for the giant grashopper porn shots, myself.

  168. Nehemiah Scudder
    December 5th, 2011 at 4:50 pm [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#139): That’s the funny thing. I can find pictures of the Marx toys, but no actual drawing by DeBeck or Lasswell. In the strips I’ve been able to locate where he’s mentioned, he’s offstage. There’s mischief at work here, I fear!

  169. Shrug
    December 5th, 2011 at 4:56 pm [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#89):

    “Gil – I dunno. Should he trust a tattoo artist who doesn’t seem to have any tattoos?”

    True. And personally I would never trust an undertaker who is not himself dead.

  170. Daniel
    December 5th, 2011 at 5:13 pm [Reply]

    Luann TJ accidentally walks into a dominatrix’s office. There’s going to be motor oil everywhere when she gets through with him.

  171. Jamus The Bartender
    December 5th, 2011 at 5:15 pm [Reply]

    9CL: Damn, Amos. You certainly do have those minerals.

  172. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    December 5th, 2011 at 5:19 pm [Reply]

    @Shrug (#169): But undertakers don’t kill people.

  173. Droopy Says
    December 5th, 2011 at 5:19 pm [Reply]

    Phantom: “I saved him first, and better!” Right, Kit, and your buddy appreciates the way your shoulder jammed those dandruff flakes into that gaping exit wound in his abdomen.

    A3G: This could get about 5% loonier if LuAnn receives a visit from the fake psychic who kicked off the Linski arc. (That’s calculated on my Eugene Dietzgen slide rule–if it was good enough for Grandpa Droopy it’s good enough for me.)

  174. Jamus The Bartender
    December 5th, 2011 at 5:22 pm [Reply]

    reFOOB: Way to go, Danny Ocean. Looks like someone’s gonna spend Christmas in the pokey with the drunken Santa who threw up on some kids. Merry Christmas, Patterson.

  175. Nehemiah Scudder
    December 5th, 2011 at 5:36 pm [Reply]

    @wossname (#153): “There is nothing — absolutely nothing — half so much worth doing as simply messing about with slide rules.” Barney Google.

  176. Shrug
    December 5th, 2011 at 5:40 pm [Reply]

    @Snuggs (#145):

    “Mary Worth: I’m thinking that missing child poster has been hanging in that window for fifty years.”

    In which case, maybe the “missing child” depicted was actually Mary herself as a young girl, thus explaining its strange hold on her subconscious.

    Wait, only fifty years? Cancel.

  177. Shrug
    December 5th, 2011 at 5:42 pm [Reply]

    @Shrug (#176):

    Oh, carp (or something like that). I skimmed/misread the original comment too hurriedly and wound up making the same joke the original poster did. Sorry, and time for more coffee. And maybe a nice casserole.

  178. Nehemiah Scudder
    December 5th, 2011 at 5:43 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#175): There. See what I did? By connecting a famous comic strip character to slide rules, I have automatically made slide rules On Topic. The fact that the quote was actually from Water Rat from The Wind in the Willows, and he was actually talking about boats is irrelevant. Anyway, slide rules are all about math, and math is all about EVERYTHING. So there.

  179. Nehemiah Scudder
    December 5th, 2011 at 5:45 pm [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#172): Quiet, man! The economy is bad enough. Don’t give them ideas!

  180. commodorejohn
    December 5th, 2011 at 5:49 pm [Reply]

    @Shrug (#177): You can come share in my tuna casserole this evening. It uses real half-decent tuna and it’s sure as hell not beige.

  181. Shrug
    December 5th, 2011 at 5:50 pm [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#172):

    That’s what they *want* you to believe, yes.

  182. TheDiva
    December 5th, 2011 at 5:53 pm [Reply]

    @Shrug (#167): At least you’re honest about it. The other four guys still swear they only read it for the articles.

  183. The Gringo Kid
    December 5th, 2011 at 5:54 pm [Reply]

    After a week of anagramming fun, I am debating whether to switch my nom de snark to my favorite: “Hot Irk End Gig.”
    I could then post every day with my moniker followed only by the title of whichever strip is most hotly irksome that day, as a sort of crie de coeur to halt the insanity, i.e. “End this gig!”
    I have a feeling 9CL and Funky would alternate that esteemed position most days.
    Any support for this modest proposal?

  184. Snuggs
    December 5th, 2011 at 6:08 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#154): Since this is Mary Worth, the traditional outfit probably includes electric blue chainmail and a pea green tunic. Her name means “The ghost who has intrinsic value”.

    @Shrug (#177): No problem at all. Just show up to court on the appointed date, and we can work this whole mess out.

  185. A Smirch Unheeded
    December 5th, 2011 at 6:17 pm [Reply]

    @The Gringo Kid (#183): Absolutely you should! And you can use “Digger Honk It” as a nym for strips you really like. And you must use “Think Doggier” whenever you comment on Marmaduke. And “Gorged Think I” when Dagwood makes a sandwich.

    You’re welcome.

  186. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    December 5th, 2011 at 6:20 pm [Reply]

  187. Rocky Stoneaxe
    December 5th, 2011 at 6:25 pm [Reply]

    @Little Guy (#162): You left out “Bazinga!”

  188. Joe Btfsplk
    December 5th, 2011 at 6:38 pm [Reply]

    @Jessy (#7): They probably really should have drawn at least part of a TATTOOS sign on that building. I thought it was a drugs thing too, partly because calling it an old storefront gave me the idea that it was a derelict site rather than an operating business, and partly because we can’t see what kind of needle New Tenant is brandishing, or any other indication of what specifically is going on there. I guess Rubin and Whigham figured the earring and beardy-thing would automatically make everybody think, “Ah! Tattoo guy.”

  189. demoncat
    December 5th, 2011 at 6:39 pm [Reply]

    luann and thus karma begins for ann as tj winds up not only bringing weinier world down from the inside but gets ann sent away for sexual harrassment again. mw. mary is so taken by the thought of the missing girl becoming found and her new project that she can not focus on any thing else. for she must have that girl as one of her flock.

  190. Rocky Stoneaxe
    December 5th, 2011 at 6:40 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#168): Not the best reproduction, but Sut Tattersall does appear in three panels:

  191. zerowolf
    December 5th, 2011 at 6:42 pm [Reply]

    MW: I hope she didn’t leave her wallet in her sweater….

  192. zerowolf
    December 5th, 2011 at 6:45 pm [Reply]

    FC: Does Jeffy have to stop sodomizing me two or three weeks before Christmas?

  193. zerowolf
    December 5th, 2011 at 6:48 pm [Reply]

    BGSS: Like a brother? In Hootin’ Holler that’s an understatement.

  194. Stranger
    December 5th, 2011 at 6:55 pm [Reply]

    Alright, first time reader and I gotta say I LOVE this blog.

    And yes, Mary Worths slow descent into dementia is quite amusing. Also, that Gil Thorp strp makes me uncomfortable, because it looks like something completely different is going on.

  195. A Smirch Unheeded
    December 5th, 2011 at 7:05 pm [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#190): You see what I mean? Hard guy to find a good pic of. You got him, alright, but he’s covered in chocolate cake!

  196. mr12ozcan
    December 5th, 2011 at 7:05 pm [Reply]

    gil thorp-how soon they forget . the tatoo guy is the famous pizza flipper ray from last year and the brody lookalike is the guy who threw baseballs at gils windows 2 years ago or the drummer from that guys band . if not oh well
    mark trail- kelly even if you change your last name to kardashian you wont be famous

  197. Droopy Says
    December 5th, 2011 at 7:14 pm [Reply]

    @Jessy (#7): That’s a tattoo parlor in Gil Thorp? When I saw the talk about needles I thought they meant phonograph needles, which would be hi-tech stuff in this strip. The not-Aspergers-Guy is obviously distraught because his worn old needles could ruin his 78s.

  198. Effluvius Erratus
    December 5th, 2011 at 7:18 pm [Reply]

  199. The Gringo Kid
    December 5th, 2011 at 7:27 pm [Reply]

    TJ, who means well but is always plotting something, is forever perched on the seam between light and darkness.

    I believe that Evans poached the character from a Jim Thompson novel, possibly Savage Night.

  200. The Gringo Kid
    December 5th, 2011 at 7:31 pm [Reply]

    @Jonn (#8): Asperger’s Kid

    And … voila! I have my new nom de snark. The Asperger Kid!

  201. The Gringo Kid
    December 5th, 2011 at 7:43 pm [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#29): Except, of course, that Mary will not whistle “In the Hall of the Mountain King,” as she detests that modern caterwauling that masquerades as “music.” She will instead whistle something more sober and pertinent as she stalks her tiny victims, perhaps a medieval tune such as “Ja Nus Hons Pris.”

  202. littlestevie
    December 5th, 2011 at 7:46 pm [Reply]

    Luann: What is with the plaid on Ann’s top? The fabric does not stretch around her boobs or bend at her elbows. Ohh, Evans is a lazy cartoonist, you don’t say, I already knew that. However, I would like to see TJ and Ann become an item. Then if Toni moves in with Bwad (however unlikely that would be), Ann could move in with TJ, and think of all the fun that would ensue.

  203. The Gringo Kid
    December 5th, 2011 at 7:56 pm [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#90): Pardon – And yet, in the 1930s, the Germans managed to simply circumvent the mighty Marcel Marceau Line. A sobering history lesson.

    So they flanked the Marceau Line, but did they manage to penetrate the Yarnell Shields? Or perhaps they hemmed in the French by miming the well-known box maneuver.

  204. The Gringo Kid
    December 5th, 2011 at 8:01 pm [Reply]

    @bats :[ (#118): You know, we haven’t seen Quill or Tiffany since they left for L.A. Maybe they’ve been at it so hard there that they’re both already in sex addiction counseling, at a therapist recommended by David Duchovny.

  205. Michael W
    December 5th, 2011 at 8:17 pm [Reply]

    Luann: So what exactly did 14-year-old TJ do for the Monkees’ drummer that would be relevant to working for Ann at Wiener World? On second thought, I don’t want to know.

  206. Swordsmith
    December 5th, 2011 at 8:19 pm [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#251): Fugue on a One Note Theme gets zero hits on google. I didn’t even think that was possible. It was a real honest to god piece, done entirely on a single note, with the fugue progression done by having different instruments play the note, and of course different note lengths and… yeah I still can’t explain it. Is Doc Severenson still alive?

    @Joe Btfsplk (y#285): I was in a similar situation; I owned an electric calculator but they were banned in my 8th grade math class, we were however permitted to use slide rules. When I say we, I mean I, because nobody else could be bothered to learn such a useless skill. I also used to cheat on math tests in 5th grade, the tests had the answers in cypher at the bottom, and I’d do the first couple questions, then spend the rest of the hour figuring out the cypher and then checking it by doing a couple more questions. Admittedly, it was more work that way than actually doing the test, but it was somehow far less tedious. I’m pretty sure the teacher knew what was going on, but he let it slide.

    GT: I’m glad Josh mentioned tattoos, because my assumption was that this was a heroin or speed den. I mean, -there- you might actually expect someone to declare he’s using clean needles, instead of someone just expecting it. And the boy sweating would be because he’s desperate for a fix. But no, I’m sure Josh is right. Isn’t he?

    A3G: I don’t think Margo made out with Luann’s husband. I think she made out with Luann. Roofies, funny how they erase short term memory isn’t it?

    MW: Who roofied Mary?

  207. The Gringo Kid
    December 5th, 2011 at 8:22 pm [Reply]

    @Stranger (#194): Well, come on by any time! Don’t be a stranger!

  208. The Ridger
    December 5th, 2011 at 8:24 pm [Reply]

    @Artist formerly known as Ben (#151): Because we didn’t borrow redhead from French.

  209. Some Guy
    December 5th, 2011 at 8:30 pm [Reply]

    @Katy (#124):

    It took me a couple of readings, but I think he took 12 boxes down from the attic, despite them only having 8 boxes of Christmas decorations, meaning that four boxes contain something else, and they’re going to shove them in the garage rather than put them back in the attic.

    What happened to the car, I have no idea.

  210. Sgt. Stoned
    December 5th, 2011 at 8:33 pm [Reply]

    MT: All kidding aside, Kelly is a kick-ass journalist, while Mark is a slacker. Maybe Elrod can kill off Trail and rename the strip “Kelly WellY” and get her a job at Brenda Starr’s old paper.

    MW: That blonde girl in the poster is the same one you have chained up in your bedroom. Did you forget that, too?

  211. Joe Blevins
    December 5th, 2011 at 8:43 pm [Reply]

    (today’s zomby) AND THE BOB DYLAN/MARTHA QUINN SUMMIT OF 1984! (With bonus makeup tips from Bob himself!)

  212. Frank Lee Meidere
    December 5th, 2011 at 9:20 pm [Reply]

    @Hi There (#44): Well, sometimes he enjoys the company of his Old Grandad.

  213. MWDG
    December 5th, 2011 at 9:37 pm [Reply]

    MW: Did Mary leave her sweater in Herman Cain’s hotel? or perhaps in the missing girl’s cage in Terry Bryson’s condo…

  214. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    December 5th, 2011 at 10:16 pm [Reply]

    @The Gringo Kid (#183): Well, okay, but I bet you’ll quickly tire of typing Reply All every day.

  215. Artist formerly known as Ben
    December 5th, 2011 at 10:17 pm [Reply]

    @The Ridger (#208):

    Because we didn’t borrow redhead from French.

    Well no, “borrow” is such a vulgar, dehumanizing term. Let’s just say that the redhead, her French boyfriend and we had an understanding.

  216. Peanut Gallery
    December 5th, 2011 at 10:21 pm [Reply]

    @Swordsmith (#206):

    I also used to cheat on math tests in 5th grade, the tests had the answers in cypher at the bottom, and I’d do the first couple questions, then spend the rest of the hour figuring out the cypher

    That is way cool. And if a teacher tries to call it cheating, tell them to devise a stronger cypher! After all, it is math class!

  217. seismic-2
    December 5th, 2011 at 10:27 pm [Reply]

    Luann: Ann Eiffel’s breasts are perfect circles on a flat sheet of graph paper. If Gunther were to see her, his slide rule would grow three log scales, in Cartesian ecstasy.

  218. Markie
    December 5th, 2011 at 11:18 pm [Reply]

    Oh come ON…Why aren’t you updating Mark Trail?!?? Please understand that most of the comics I read are from this website but I happened to run across the comics section of the newspaper at work and dang…Kelly Welly discovered the mysterious gold mine hidden behind a waterfall! I don’t think Mark Trail EVER got that exciting before!!

  219. Baka Gaijin
    December 5th, 2011 at 11:35 pm [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#217): That is so raunchy, but in a ciphered kind of way.

  220. Austria
    December 5th, 2011 at 11:40 pm [Reply]

    GT: Okay…was I the only one thinking “WHAT THE FUCK? WHAT THE FUCK? WHAT THE FUCK?!?!” until I saw Josh’s comment? That’s not tattoo-ing, that’s full on — well — you know…..!!!

    HtH: Sound advice, Garfield.

    MW: First your purse, then your sweater? You’re losing it, Mary. You’re losing it just like you lost your purse and sweater.

    PBS: I am Government Man, come from the government! The government has sent me!

  221. Maggie the Cat
    December 5th, 2011 at 11:50 pm [Reply]

    So does this mean Mary is getting a case of dementia and will be forgetting how to tie shoes and wipe her ass?

  222. Esther Blodgett
    December 6th, 2011 at 12:04 am [Reply]

    @Michael W (#205): I see what you did there. And I’m amused and disturbed in equal measure. Well played, sir.

  223. Frasier Crane
    December 6th, 2011 at 12:05 am [Reply]

    Margo would never have walked by that window if she’d known about the Picasso Ray.

  224. Carly
    December 6th, 2011 at 12:06 am [Reply]

    They should totally let you write for Mary Worth. Your version is awesome.

    I totally thought that GT was about drugs. Are you SURE it’s about tattoos?
    Either way one wonders where this is going. Someone’s going to catch a horrible disease! Ha ha!

  225. garbo
    December 6th, 2011 at 12:15 am [Reply]

    Come on–MW doesn’t have dementia! She just can’t handle the truth: Of course she’s seen Emily Smith. She looks exactly like the two nurses at the hospital! MW lives in a world of clones! It’s like in Memento, where she writes notes to herself and posts pictures on the wall to make her realize it, but her mind just won’t let her accept it!

  226. seismic-2
    December 6th, 2011 at 12:17 am [Reply]

    GT: The chin-tuft kid wants to come across as a real jock, so he has gone to the Old Storefront Tattoo Parlor to get “MILFORD” inked on his bicep. However, being a scrawny runt, there will only be room for “MILF”. He will be very popular in the community.

  227. Maggie the Cat
    December 6th, 2011 at 12:34 am [Reply]

    @garbo (#225): I’ve noticed that too. In fact, when I first saw the poster I thought it was some tie-in with Toby (since they are identical) and thought maybe Toby was raised as someone else or something (I haven’t been a MW reader for that long and don’t know everyone’s backstory). It’s either that, or what you said, or the artist only has 3 faces on his/her repertoire.

  228. Pippy the Ziphead
    December 6th, 2011 at 12:48 am [Reply]

    Ha ha! It’s funny because Mary is experiencing symptoms of the early stages of Alzheimer’s!

  229. commodorejohn
    December 6th, 2011 at 12:58 am [Reply]

    @Pippy the Ziphead (#228): Ha! That is funny!

    …what? You gotta admit.

  230. Rocky Stoneaxe
    December 6th, 2011 at 1:15 am [Reply]

    @Michael W (#205): Thank you for not making the obvious Monkee-on-TJ’s-back remark or a sophomoric joke about “Peter’s Tork”!

  231. Red Greenback
    December 6th, 2011 at 1:25 am [Reply]

    Must have been all the drugs.

  232. Rocky Stoneaxe
    December 6th, 2011 at 1:40 am [Reply]

    Mark Trail — What are the odds that Kelly Welly’s about to be attacked by the same wolfpack who killed Mama Bear?

  233. Anonymous
    December 6th, 2011 at 1:48 am [Reply]

    Mary Worth has the onset symptoms of Alzheimer’s. Soon, she will be saying wildly inappropriate and hateful things, shitting herself, and trying to take off all of her clothes while crying bitterly. Or maybe she’s already done all of that.

  234. Anonymous
    December 6th, 2011 at 1:56 am [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#230):
    If only I’d thought of that. Based on age I’m wondering if it was around the time the “New Monkees” were still new.

  235. Michael W
    December 6th, 2011 at 1:58 am [Reply]

    And if only I’d remembered to put my name in the blank when replying.

  236. Rocky Stoneaxe
    December 6th, 2011 at 2:05 am [Reply]

    @Red Greenback (#231):

    Forty years ago, Mary was telling hippies “to go get a job, right after you take a bath!” Or am I confusing Mary Worth with Newt Gingrich?

  237. Comcis Fan
    December 6th, 2011 at 2:16 am [Reply]

    MW: Mary’s actually losing it, isn’t she? That purse-snatching has rocked her world, and not in the way Dr. Jeff Corey would like to. After rattling on for a week about her precious list, she tries to cheer herself by boiling things and taking a casserole to a mousy neighbor. At the same time, she worries about the girl in the missing-child poster and her own misplaced sweater and its implications about her aging brain. She seems to have no one to meddle and is bouncing around — alone — in need of meddling herself. She’s almost pitiable.

  238. Red Greenback
    December 6th, 2011 at 2:21 am [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#236): Now that you mention it, there is a resemblance between those two.

  239. Maggie the Cat
    December 6th, 2011 at 2:23 am [Reply]

    Tuesday’s MW- That bitch be trippin’! She’s seeing herself in the halls now. Next, the little girl in the poster who looks like 95% of the cast of MW will be talking to her, telling Mary her whereabouts but due to Mary’s sudden dementia she will forget. Bummer.

  240. Rocky Stoneaxe
    December 6th, 2011 at 2:30 am [Reply]

    Hi & Lois — [Conk] Woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk. [Bonk] Ooh!*

    *The sound of Thirsty being pummeled by Hi!

  241. Lisa
    December 6th, 2011 at 2:33 am [Reply]

    RMMD: Damn, now Kelly is having an allergic reaction too? Spider is one nefarious bastard to spike a girl’s drink with roofies and peanuts!

  242. Poteet
    December 6th, 2011 at 2:36 am [Reply]

    MW — I hope some generous Mudge will start keeping track of, and inform us of, the actual number of times that we, the readers, are being forced to look at that poster before this story finally ends. (I’d volunteer myself but my computer situation is not ideal and I may go berserk and smash the components with a large rock any day now.) The report could be done very simply, as in “MW Poster Story. Day Sixteen. Twenty-nine.” How many times have we seen that poster already, a dozen? More? I may start having nightmares about it myself.

  243. Poteet
    December 6th, 2011 at 2:49 am [Reply]

    12/6 MT — My initial limited hopes for this story have mostly fallen away, particularly the hope that it might at some point make some kind of actual sense. But one hope remains — that wolves will not be portrayed as the heavies. Don’t do that, Elrodball, please. Just don’t.

  244. Uncle Lumpy
    December 6th, 2011 at 3:15 am [Reply]

    I think the wolves get a pass on this one — with the muzzle and paw-protectors, that bear might just as well be wearing a sign, “Free Bear Meat — Git Sum!”

    Seriously, pets do more damage in this strip than Nature ever attempted.

  245. Droopy Says
    December 6th, 2011 at 3:42 am [Reply]

    Maybe the full moon will set and the wolves will turn into the Cleancut Kids Gang. Because you can’t have a Mark Trail story without two or three mean-looking middle-aged villains, and who else is there to take the fall?

  246. Droopy Says
    December 6th, 2011 at 3:58 am [Reply]

    The Amusing Spiderman: To hell with Thor and his hammer. What this domestic tension needs is Garfield and his rolled-up newspaper.

    Luann: TJ can do his best to drive Anne Eiffel nuts, but she has a terrific way to relieve whatever stress he causes. It’s called firing him.

    Phantom: Doctor, the cops can’t help but notice that you aren’t wearing any sort of ID tag.

    Pluggers: The modern world goes away if you stick your fingers in your ears and go LALALALALA at the top of your nicotine-stained lungs.

  247. Readem and Laf
    December 6th, 2011 at 4:37 am [Reply]

    JP They went to the mall because there was a big sale?

    What happened to “Oh, we’re so filthy rich we’ll haul a suitcase full of cash we happen to have and buy an RV”?

    Or was that money laundering…

    Remember Sophie, you’re supposed to be sophisticated. Capiche?

  248. Some Guy
    December 6th, 2011 at 5:50 am [Reply]

    ASM: Stan finally notices that Peter bitching about how much money his wife makes isn’t his most attractive trait. Now if he’d just do something about all Peter’s other traits.

    Blondie: Maybe that’s because neither you nor your kids have aged for decades.

    FW: “So, I know I’ve been bitching about this trip since I won it, but if I took you, I wouldn’t have to take you somewhere else out of my own pocket, right?”

    Phantom: Hey, Ghost Who Won’t Be Around For The Malpractice Suit isn’t a doctor! What’s next, Rex Morgan pretending to be a doctor?

  249. Some Guy
    December 6th, 2011 at 5:51 am [Reply]

    @Readem and Laf (#247):

    Sam misspoke. They went to the mall because it was for sale.

  250. Dale
    December 6th, 2011 at 6:54 am [Reply]


    Is it possible to get a job that doesn’t pay by the day in cash without coming up with an actual name? Does he pay his rent in cash?
    Is “TJ” first-middle, first-last, something else?
    I bet Brad doesn’t even know.

  251. John C Fremont
    December 6th, 2011 at 7:18 am [Reply]

    MW – So reports of Gene Siskel’s death were somewhat exaggerated. I say “somewhat” since he’s apparently hanging out with a Mary Worth clone which, in itself, is a sort of slow death.

    Luann – “Weenieman away!”

  252. Edwin Herdman
    December 6th, 2011 at 7:58 am [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo
    “Gil – I dunno. Should he trust a tattoo artist who doesn’t seem to have any tattoos?”
    It looks like he’ll soon be in a better position to tell, at any rate.

    A side view would have been much preferable here. See folks? Recycled art doesn’t just rape the fine arts!

    Thanks for the crash course on slide rules! One of life’s little ambitions surmounted.

  253. gleeb
    December 6th, 2011 at 8:17 am [Reply]

    ‘shaft: /b>Road levy fails?

    ‘bean: /b>In which we learn that Cayha is familiar with the early work of Nicolas Cage. Anyway, why talk about it?As an organizer of the raffle, Creepy Les wouldn’t be eligible to win, anyway.

    Phantom: /b>He’s a detective in the not-at-all-plain clothes division.

  254. gleeb
    December 6th, 2011 at 8:17 am [Reply]

    Ack. Sorry.

  255. Shrug
    December 6th, 2011 at 11:38 am [Reply]

    @The Gringo Kid (#199):

    Or maybe Lord Gro from Eddison’s THE WORM OURROBROS…

  256. The Ghost of Jarrod
    December 6th, 2011 at 6:44 pm [Reply]

    Luann – I envision this going somewhat like Dr. Doofenshmirtz’s date, with TJ one day asking Ann, “So what do you think about…evil?” And then, a few years later, when they’re torturing the humans they’ve enslaved, we’ll all laugh, because Brad, Luann, and everyone else will be suffering horribly.

  257. Crankenstank
    December 6th, 2011 at 10:23 pm [Reply]

    Given that she is now approximately 140 years old, I think Mary’s memory is excellent.

  258. innuendo
    December 7th, 2011 at 2:12 am [Reply]

    Gil Thorp is set at the beginning of the sixties. The beats, etc.

    that, uhh

    they’re not tattooing, that is not what is going on there.

  259. Readem and Laf
    December 7th, 2011 at 4:36 am [Reply]

    @Crankenstank (#257):
    That’s so rude, yet so funny. Bravo!

  260. katz
    December 9th, 2011 at 12:22 am [Reply]

    GT may be the funniest thing I’ve ever seen. It’s like every Bad Thing Teenagers Might Get Involved With in one strip: Tattoos! Drugs! Gay sex! Soul patches! Ambiguous sweat and/or acne!

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