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The dark side of the Jungle Patrol

The Phantom, 4/11/08

As was no doubt easily predictable, I lost interest in the current Phantom storyline rather quickly after all the hilarious Jungle Patrol! catchphrases petered out. (Not that you shouldn’t be stocking up on Jungle Patrol-themed merchandise, mind you.) Basically, our lady cop and waitress have been attempting to capture a notorious arms dealer in an attempt to prove their mettle to the male chauvinist pigs who run the Jungle Patrol; throughout the process, the Ghost Who Is Helpful has been surreptitiously doing much of the heavy lifting in the bad-guy-neutralization department. Some might think that this is unfair affirmative action on the Big Purple Guy’s part to try to get some ladies into his elite law-enforcement outfit, but since everyone in The Phantom other than the Phantom is generally pretty incompetent, I’m guessing that secret help from the Unknown Commander is par for the course on Jungle Patrol missions.

In today’s final panel, though, we learn that these ladies may be a little bloodthirsty even by Jungle Patrol standards. Sure, it’s reasonable for them to return fire, but it does seem like they were just waiting for the chance, doesn’t it? Usually the Phantom lets the baddies off with a little chin music and a Skull Mark™ as a reminder to stay on the straight and narrow, but our Swiss death merchant here looks like he’ll be as full of holes as his nation’s namesake cheese in short order.

Speaking of gunplay, while our lady cop has obviously been through weapons training, when did the waitress learn to fire off handgun rounds with such steely precision? I would have liked to have seen a Rocky-style montage sequence in which she learned the various deadly arts.

Shoe, 4/11/08

“That, plus the transceiver I attached to the bottom of your car in the parking lot, means that we’ll be seein’ a lot of each other! Haw haw!”

Since the earliest days of this blog, I have made it clear that I cannot abide the “sexy” lady birds in this strip. I dunno, there’s something about the combination of beaks and feathers with some distinctly, er, mammalian characteristics that just utterly squicks me out. The attention that’s been lavished on the glimpse we get of this barfly’s lower back isn’t helping me, either.

Spider-Man, 4/11/08

Hey, look, Simon Krandis keeps a fistful of wadded up bribe money in his tuxedo jacket at all times. The man would have made a swell governor!

The final panel is simultaneously the most hilarious and the most fetishistically unsettling image the Spider-Man newspaper strip has produced in the last three years.

208 responses to “The dark side of the Jungle Patrol”

  1. alley (not allie) cat
    April 11th, 2008 at 9:06 am [Reply]

    I never got past Ellie’s massive buttocks today. I’ll have to recover before going on to the rest of the comics.

  2. Thursdaynext
    April 11th, 2008 at 9:07 am [Reply]

    Could it be true–I’m first?
    I love the word squicks, and will be using it for a while. Actually both the anthropomorphic Isle of Dr Moreau-type cartoons gross me out–Shoe & Pluggers.
    It might help if either of them were ever funny. Or even amusing.

  3. Thursdaynext
    April 11th, 2008 at 9:10 am [Reply]

    No, alas, it was too good to be true. But the Pattersons are definitely headed for Child Protective Services and family court. Just use a washcloth, John, like anyone sane would do. I’m trying really hard not to imagine what it would be like being at my drawing board working on giant butt sketches.

  4. The Casey
    April 11th, 2008 at 9:11 am [Reply]

    Shoe - I agree about the ladybird’s lower back. I’m surprised there’s not a trashy tribal tattoo there. Except I guess that her back is feathers, but even then she probably would have gotten them dyed or something. Damn you, Shoe, for making me think this much about trailer birdhouse trash.

  5. Cami
    April 11th, 2008 at 9:13 am [Reply]

    Just one more sign of Spiderman’s stupidity – he thinks socks are a form of currency.

  6. alley (not allie) cat
    April 11th, 2008 at 9:22 am [Reply]

    #2 and #3 Thursdaynext – Because I do not subscribe to this blog (if that’s possible), I never know when it’s updated and usually by the time I meander by there are at least 50 comments already in place. Last night after 10PM I happened to come here right at the precise nanosecond to leave the first comment, which was just a short, dazed, confused question about the lack of comments. Imagine my surprise this morning to wander through and repeat my performance. So dazed was I this time that I failed to specify I was making a FOOB reference (but I see I did not fool you).

    I imagine that having a bit player like me float through here and happen to leave the first comment two days in a row is either a sign of the end times or akin to a massive planetary alignment. It might be a good day to throw caution to the wind and eat chocolate.

  7. Old School Allie Cat
    April 11th, 2008 at 9:29 am [Reply]

    FOOB – Gosh, I think we get it. Circa 1978, John’s an insensitive asshat who doesn’t help around the house.

    Flash to 2008. Michael’s an insensitive asshat who doesn’t help around the house.

    Could it be that Lynn is trying to tell us that men are no damn good?

    FW – So Mooch is an anti-social pyro and now a klepto too? He’s just a real peach, isn’t he? I predict he’ll have cancer of the tongue within the year.

    PBS – This just amuses me.

    RwO – Ditto.

  8. Thursdaynext
    April 11th, 2008 at 9:32 am [Reply]

    Mary Worth-The only way Donna Amalfi’s going to get her kids to stop fighting is to die already and let the estate lawyer get on with it. All they’re fighting about is who gets the piano.
    #6-Even at the best supporting actor spot, I had the same feeling: I won! I won silver! Also a bit player and frequent lurker, I want to thank the Academy, my mom, and all the Christian Singles.
    And “Buttocks” is Ellie’s middle name.

  9. essteess
    April 11th, 2008 at 9:33 am [Reply]

    Re “Shoe” and Josh’s revulsion at feminine-avian anthropomorphosis: I’m reminded of the wonderfully subversive parody of “Donald Duck” by Bill Elder back in the “good old days” of MAD Magazine. During one sequence, Minnie Mouse enters to talk to Donald (or “Darnold” in his nom-du-parody); while she speaks, Darnold thinks to himself “Somehow, the idea of a mouse, even a cute one, all dolled up with lipstick and mascara, wearing a dress and looking feminine — makes me sick!”

  10. Artist formerly known as Ben
    April 11th, 2008 at 9:39 am [Reply]

    The final panel is simultaneously the most hilarious and the most fetishistically unsettling image the Spider-Man newspaper strip has produced in the last three years.

    Has the term “money shot” been applied yet?

  11. Calico
    April 11th, 2008 at 9:40 am [Reply]

    DtM yesterday – not only is Dennis tromping through shit barefoot, his nice old grandfather is visiting! Hilarious! Today they’ve dressed him in alternate clothes while the standard coveralls are cleaned and irradiated.

    Lockhorns – another day, another soul-crushing one-panel.

    FC – Jesus, Thel, lay off the growth hormone! Dolly looks like a Cabbage Patch hybrid, shrinking with every question she poses.

    3G – Nice one, Margo. Speaking of a Mooch…
    Hon, you can order takeout / delivery almost anywhere in Yew Nork.

  12. Stan
    April 11th, 2008 at 9:41 am [Reply]

    Speaking of unsettling fetishes, I’m surprised no one mentioned yesterday’s Arlo & Janis. Handcuff key? In the bedroom? HER IDEA?!?

  13. Spike
    April 11th, 2008 at 9:41 am [Reply]

    Any chance the Jungle Patrol can now move over to the MW panel? Donna needs to be saved from Mary’s meddling somehow…

  14. Cranky
    April 11th, 2008 at 9:43 am [Reply]

    It looks like the bad guy and the Jungle Patrol are about eight feet apart. Is this a gun battle from Police Squad or have the bad guy’s maniacally thick glasses rendered him an incompetent shot at point blank range?

  15. Lurkbunny
    April 11th, 2008 at 9:43 am [Reply]

    SM: Why is Krandis reaching into the right lapel of his jacket with his left hand and immedately pulls a wad of cash up with his right hand?

    I don’t read comics every day. I saw a Peanuts comic the other day that showed Charlie Brown about to take some kid to school at a game of marbles. Is this a new phenomonon? Is Charlie Brown finally growing a pair? Comments?

  16. Calico
    April 11th, 2008 at 9:45 am [Reply]

    MW – Donna realizes that now she’ll never get rid of this cloying, nosy volunteer. Hit the morphine button early and often, Donna. You’ll need it now that the biddy claw with its meddling magnet has pulled you in.

  17. Uncle Lumpy
    April 11th, 2008 at 9:48 am [Reply]

    The black of the night masks the darkness within
    As our heroines give in to bloodlust and sin
    The thrill of the chase and a shot at their goal
    Are addictive as crack at the Jungle Patrol!

    It’s a heady concoction for waitress and cop –
    Once they’ve tasted this drug they will not want to stop.
    Now their eyes have gone dead and their blood has gone cold,
    And the boss says they’re ready for Jungle Patrol!

    Hawa and Kay have surrendered themselves
    To the reek of the cordite and heat of the shells
    If you follow this dream it will cost you your soul
    In a deal with the devil at Jungle Patrol!

  18. Calico
    April 11th, 2008 at 9:49 am [Reply]

    Oh, and another dose of fetish – Rex’s food-speak today is just plain weird. Speaking of squik…
    At least he isn’t dicussing tossed salad or jelly donuts…for the time being.

  19. Bunnë, Official Comic Execrator
    April 11th, 2008 at 9:52 am [Reply]

    A good friend on mine told me that when she was maybe nine, her father said “OK, it’s time for you to learn to use a gun.” So he took her to, I dunno, a gun club or something, and she learned about firearms. I think she even learned how to dive, roll, and fire.

    25 years or so later, she’s a jewelry merchandiser. I don’t know if she’s touched a gun since then, but, you know, maybe it’s like riding a bike. Maybe if she joined the jungle patrol she’d be firing at Swiss arms dealers like it was second nature.

    Incidentally, this was in Providence, Rhode Island — not exactly gun central.

  20. Danzig
    April 11th, 2008 at 9:52 am [Reply]

    I knew I had seen the Christian Singles girl before. I went thru my wife’s True Story magazines. She is on the cover of the July, 2007 issue. She is turned the other way and her tank top is a light pink instead of white. After much detailed study, I say it is not only the same girl but the EXACT same picture. The details are identical.

  21. Pozzo
    April 11th, 2008 at 9:55 am [Reply]

    Shoe artist to himself: “Cell and GPS — those are both fancy newfangled gadgets. If I use them in the same sentence, all the kids that read the comics will think I’m hip!”

    Pozzo to Shoe artist: Kids don’t read the comics, but you’ll make out-of-touch baby boomers think you’re hip, and that they’re hip by association.

  22. man behind the curtain
    April 11th, 2008 at 9:55 am [Reply]

    MW — I love how Mary gives advice regarding other people’s children. I guess those who can, do and those who can’t, meddle. Unless of course there’s another dark secret from Mary’s past yet to be revealed.

  23. Poteet
    April 11th, 2008 at 10:00 am [Reply]

    Josh, was “abide by” meant to be just “abide”?

  24. Poteet
    April 11th, 2008 at 10:06 am [Reply]

    I don’t follow THE PHANTOM, so I’m mildly fascinated to see that the current villain looks like a stereotypical professor in a college of liberal arts and sciences, only better dressed. Or maybe he’s been a wandering instructor with no job security for two decades, and finally found a faster way to build up his retirement account. If so, I’m rooting for him.

  25. Evan
    April 11th, 2008 at 10:09 am [Reply]

    “…the most fetishistically unsettling image the Spider-Man newspaper strip has produced in the last three years.”

    Which, for a comic strip that relies heavily on the protagonist shooting sticky goo and tying people up, is saying something.

  26. DrBear
    April 11th, 2008 at 10:15 am [Reply]

    I don’t have the patience to do the entire song, but I’ve got the last two lines for a rewrite of “Long Cool Woman”
    She was a long-beaked girl with a tramp stamp
    And I’m stalking her with a cigar”

  27. boojum
    April 11th, 2008 at 10:16 am [Reply]

    17: Yea! The Ballad of the Jungle Patrol! is back!! Life is good.

    I’m particularly enamored of the line, “Now their eyes have gone dead and their blood has gone cold.”

    Though Bloodlust and Sin is a killer band name.

  28. Jaime M.
    April 11th, 2008 at 10:19 am [Reply]

    JP: At least Abbey has finally correctly identified herself.

  29. Tuxedo Slack
    April 11th, 2008 at 10:21 am [Reply]

    The final panel is simultaneously the most hilarious and the most fetishistically unsettling image the Spider-Man newspaper strip has produced in the last three years.

    Which means Jay Pinkerton will probably have a field day with it.

  30. NotAGoatHead
    April 11th, 2008 at 10:22 am [Reply]

    Shoe: Hey! Where’d the picture(?) in panel one go in panel two? Maybe it too couldn’t take the “sexy lady bird” and threw itself to the ground in agony.

  31. Naked Bunney with a Whip
    April 11th, 2008 at 10:26 am [Reply]

    SM: I would’ve shoved the wad of cash into MJ’s g-string, myself.

  32. Naked Bunny with a Whip
    April 11th, 2008 at 10:27 am [Reply]

    Of course, it doesn’t take me 30 years to work up the nerve to ask a girl out.

  33. queek
    April 11th, 2008 at 10:29 am [Reply]

    Phantom: It was mentioned awhile back that the waitress had grown up on a ranch, and was quite the outdoors woman and rifle shot. Same strip where it was shown that the lady cop was good at judo.

    MG&G: ROFL! That’s the funniest thing I’ve seen out of this strip in months, if not years.

    Zits: at least today’s “No” strip is visually interesting. Still hope for Saturday’s strip featuring Mom wandering in to Jeremy’s room to find Sarah and Viral nekkid under the covers with him.

  34. Alt Comix
    April 11th, 2008 at 10:31 am [Reply]

    Rex Morgan: As one of the county’s premier physicians, Rex must educate the lowly Becka on the importance of basic hygiene. After all, the good doctor can’t afford to risk infecting his new Porsche, especially after he just had it detailed.

    But will Becka tolerate the good doctor’s attempt to help her? Or will she shun his invaluable advice?

    Here’s my prediction: http://flickr.com/photos/altcomix/2404278529/

  35. Tweeks_Coffee
    April 11th, 2008 at 10:32 am [Reply]

    Who is the bird that’s hitting on the barfly? It looks kinda like Shoe, only horribly misshapen. Kinda like they shoved his head onto a clipart body from Pluggers.

  36. Paul1963
    April 11th, 2008 at 10:36 am [Reply]

    The Phantom: Boy, that guy looks remarkably un-mussed for someone who just survived a high-speed car crash with multiple rollovers, then had to lift the heavy door of a Bentley in order to climb out of it, then jumped to the ground and ran through a forest…

    #12–There was some discussion of that Arlo & Janis a couple of threads ago.

  37. Bunnë, Official Comic Execrator
    April 11th, 2008 at 10:39 am [Reply]

    Danzig (20), welcome to the wild, wooly world of stock photography.

    You look at the images associated with ads and whatnot, and you can’t help but think they were at least created for that ad. Nope. The Christian Singles girl might be Wiccan and married.

    When First Chicago started rebranding as Chase, they had all these banners up at the banks showing people jumping for joy. I remember thinking, my bank account doesn’t make me jump for joy. Then I thought, well she’s just a model… in fact, just a model who doesn’t even know the picture will be used at a bank. The photographer says, let’s get a bunch of pictures of you and 9 other models jumping for joy. Smile and Jump! Smile and Jump! Excellent! ‘K Thanks Bye!

  38. gnome de blog
    April 11th, 2008 at 10:39 am [Reply]

    “OK, boy…let her rip to the fence line!”

    Now there’s words to live by, but is Abbey speaking from the Catherine the Great perspective, or just what did she really mean by that?

  39. Calico of the Cagney and Lacey Jungle Patrol
    April 11th, 2008 at 10:40 am [Reply]

    #33 – I think Jeremy is going to have a harsh, very quick lesson on what “Arc Flash” means.

  40. Josh
    April 11th, 2008 at 10:41 am [Reply]

    #23 Poteet — Ummm, after consulting with a dictionare, apparently I do. Fixed!

    Josh

  41. Spanky the Jungle Patrol Love Chinchilla
    April 11th, 2008 at 10:46 am [Reply]

    I’m with Cranky (# 14) — the bad guy turns and fires at our plucky lady cop and waitress and they don’t even bother to take cover before chopping him down? What’s with that?!

    Maybe all those lonely nights watching bad cop movies (see Stallone, Norris, Segal, et.al.), where the hero stands upright in the open in the face of full-auto fire from the villain without getting a scratch, have convinced the ladies that they are invincible. Either that or our gals have some powerful native magic “bullet-proof” spell going on!

  42. bats :[
    April 11th, 2008 at 10:48 am [Reply]

    34. Altcomix re RMMD: that Rex sure gets around, and all before that pesky community meeting tonight, too!
    http://www.flickr.com/photos/9545446@N07/2405859030/sizes/o/

    (thanks to the number of folks yesterthread for their inspiration!)

  43. nancois
    April 11th, 2008 at 10:49 am [Reply]

    #14 – I miss those shoot-outs from Police Squad!. I hope someone looks at their gun, when out of bullets, and throws it at their opponent. That is always effective.
    It looks as if Swiss Guy has his eyes closed, which may account for his bad marksmanship. I’m not much of a shooter, myself, but keeping one’s eyes open seems key. Contrast that with the zombie-like stares of the ladies. They won’t miss, I assure you.

  44. Little A. of The Bronx Jungle Partrol
    April 11th, 2008 at 10:55 am [Reply]

    FYI: (which are not the initials of a comic strip — or are they?)

    I have the Houston Chronicle comics page bookmarked.

    The only comics I REALLY like (although I look at about 1/3 of them and skip most of the rest, I have tried to “read” most of the others, most of which stink) are: Agnes, One Big Happy, Doonesbury, Mutts, Peanuts, and Curtis.

    I look at Blondie, Archie, Hi and Lois, Gil Thorpe, Beetle Bailey, Wizard of Id, Momma, and a few others, because they are disparaged so often in this blog — Mary Worth, for instance.

    There’s a comic that runs here in New York, in the Daily News, that I like: Soup to Nutz, and another that I don’t see mentioned in this blog, which is pretty good much of the time, Jump Start. Over the Hedge runs in the News, also, and sometimes it’s funny and worth reading.

    I miss Smilin’ Jack and Dondi. Now those were great comics!

    I used to love Gasoline Alley, and Dick Tracy, 50 years ago.

    Are there any Agnes fans out there? Any Soup to Nutz fans out there?

  45. Anon
    April 11th, 2008 at 11:00 am [Reply]

    Are Rex and June going to “toss salad”?

  46. Dingo
    April 11th, 2008 at 11:01 am [Reply]

    sigh… One minute you’re winning an Academy Award and the next you’re a trivia question in a board game. I’m just happy to see that Marisa Tomei has found work in Mary Worth.

  47. commodorejohn
    April 11th, 2008 at 11:10 am [Reply]

    9CL – It’s not quite to the level of that Arlo ‘n Janis teapot strip, but today’s 9 Chickweed Lane is pretty insidiously amusing.

    AS – What’s wrong with today’s Argyle Sweater? Well, first off, it’s a naked and blatant rip-off of several Far Side strips about hunting (in particular, the classic “I’m sorry, ma’am, but his license checks out, and your husband was in season” cartoon with the police and the doe.) Second, I’m reasonably sure that the proper way to hold a shotgun is not to keep the barrel in the crook of your arm while leaving the butt unsupported; that seems to me to be a fairly obvious way to drop and accidentally discharge the weapon. It’s not like it’s even aesthetically pleasing or easier to draw or anything; the guy just apparently has no clue what this whole “gun” thing is about. I mean, I’m no firearms expert, but it took me like thirty seconds to realize why that wasn’t a good idea. Here’s another thing I’m noticing, now that I’ve been mocking this strip for three days: the lettering is kind of ugly and the uneven vertical positioning of the letters makes it hard to read. I’m sure the hack behind this strip thinks it looks “wacky,” but it’s just a pain. For another thing, why does the railing of the stairs curve down into the couch? The stairs themselves don’t curve. Also, would it have been too hard to either make the phone a cordless model or put the base on the end table that is right there on the lefthand side of the panel? Why is it on the couch? That makes no sense. Hell, the cartoon makes no sense in the first place – why would she care if she were in season or not? If you were a sentient duck and you heard duck calls (which, it is worth noting, do not sound enough like a real duck to where a creature intelligent enough to use a phone couldn’t tell the difference,) you’d get out without some unseen DNR official having to tell you to. Finally, as if the awkward phrasing and nonsensical use of ellipses in the word balloon weren’t bad enough, the caption box makes nil sense. It’s not a play on a common expression or concept and it gives no new information. It doesn’t even unnecessarily explain the joke as the previous two Argyle Sweater captions did. It just has absolutely nothing to do with anything. It’s like the inbred chimpanzee responsible for this mess is contractually required to have a caption box.

    BB – This only makes sense if we assume that ain’t tobacco in the pipe. Works for me.

    Crock – Um…wow.

    DT – Er, how does she even know he’s in a suit of armor?

    FC – I’ve heard of women having unevenly-sized breasts, but this is just ridiculous.

    FOOB – Wow, I guess Lynn must’ve delegated the reruns to her staff, because these last rerun strips have actually been moderately chuckleworthy.

    FW – I like that “hey, what’s a little petty theft between friends” look on Pete’s face.

    Fred Basset – So…why do they bring their dog along to pick out furniture?

    Garfield – What the…Garfield was actually kind of funny today, and well-paced in any event (not often you get an ultimate silent panel, particularily one that actually makes the joke work.) Huh.

    GA – Gah, I’m still getting “twenty going on twelve” vibes from these kids. Are we sure this storyline wasn’t lifted from some kind of Gasoline Alley doujinshi over in Japan?

    GT – “Belts one over the right-field fence?” “He couldn’t pull my best fastball?” Ah, it’s good to have Gil Thorp back in form.

    HOTC – If this is a poke at us, Mr. Tatulli, recall that it’s not the spelling we make fun of. We’re not the ones who write lines like “remember, I’m the big and you’re the little!”

    JP – Holy crap, this is awesome. Why can’t we just ditch the entire rest of the cast and have the comic be about Abbey?

    Luann – um what

    MT – Hey, Evil Steven Seagal, I don’t think a kindergartner is going to be able to front much ransom money.

    MW – Gah, the poor thing is writhing with Mary’s pure, undiluted meddle.

    PBS – Oh man, this has been such a great week.

    RMMD – WHAT THE HECK WHO IS THIS AND WHAT HAS HE DONE WITH REX MORGAN

    SM – I do believe Spider-Man just Rule 34ed itself.

    Edison Lee – Wow, caricatures even shittier than the previous ones! And let’s see, not only are we using the oldest “Gilligan’s Island” joke ever, we’re explaining it in detail, despite the fact that the only people who find it funny already know what it’s about. I hate to say it, but I’m almost getting nostalgic for the Edison Lee of last week, before this damn thing started.

  48. Sissyphus
    April 11th, 2008 at 11:14 am [Reply]

    Man, they have all this spidey money-shoving action, but they don’t even show him throwing down with the million dollar dream? Weak sauce.

  49. FSogol
    April 11th, 2008 at 11:15 am [Reply]

    Too bad you haven’t been posting any Baby Blues comments lately. The Mom has spent a week admitting that the local school system can do a better job of parenting than her and her spouse.

  50. Phantom Menace
    April 11th, 2008 at 11:20 am [Reply]

    Suicide by Jungle Patrol.

    What a way to go.

  51. Batman Beatles
    April 11th, 2008 at 11:32 am [Reply]

    Elly’s butt makes me think of the SNL commercial for “Mom Jeans”.

  52. Sans Sense
    April 11th, 2008 at 11:33 am [Reply]

    Phantom:

    The impassive looks on their faces as they make Swiss cheese out of a Swiss national borders on true sociopathy, or at least Robocop.

  53. REB
    April 11th, 2008 at 11:35 am [Reply]

    You all may have seen this already, but in case you missed it– Mythbusters did a segment on superheroes, and, using SCIENCE, thoroughly debunked the Phantom’s patented Ring Punch. Apparently, hitting someone’s head with enough force to leave an imprint of a ring would, in fact, crush the victim’s head.

    Read more about the Phantom’s head-crushing here:
    http://mythbustersresults.com/episode86

  54. buschap
    April 11th, 2008 at 11:42 am [Reply]

    #47: I’m not really defending the strip, but the caption is a pun on the title of the movie When a Stranger Calls. Ha ha ha! It’s funny?

    And the banister … A lot of them do curl at the bottom, but only at the last step. Not three steps early.

  55. Mrs, Cutout
    April 11th, 2008 at 11:48 am [Reply]

    Since Mr. Cutout and I have no kids, I like to read the kid-themed comics just to see what I’m missing. FOOB and Baby Blues scare the bejeezus out of me! Zits, even more so, considering Jeremy is such a hormone-driven bundle of Id. But then, how could kids turn out normal when the parents are so neurotic? Yes, FOOB, I’m talking to you!

    Note to Elly: asking your husband to “rate” you is just looking for trouble! It’s like asking if your butt looks big in these pants.

  56. Mrs, Cutout
    April 11th, 2008 at 11:50 am [Reply]

    Oh, btw, the answer is “yes.”

  57. commodorejohn
    April 11th, 2008 at 12:04 pm [Reply]

    Wait, it sounds like the FOOB strip people are dissing today is different than the one the Chron is displaying. Even going to *shudder* the FOOBsite is resulting in the same comic. Are people getting a different strip in the papers?

  58. commodorejohn
    April 11th, 2008 at 12:06 pm [Reply]

    #55 Mrs. Cutout – I dunno, my parents seem to like my siblings and I pretty well. But then, we weren’t raised by manipulative puppetmasters like Elly or overly-lenient striving-to-be-”hip” adults like Walt and Connie.

  59. alley (not allie) cat
    April 11th, 2008 at 12:12 pm [Reply]

    #57, commodorejohn – well I was the first to reference FOOB, and the buttocks I mentioned are definitely there.

  60. Howabominable (aka Lindsey ^_^)
    April 11th, 2008 at 12:15 pm [Reply]

    Is it just me, or is Liz the worst police chief ever? I mean, come on, she is TERRIBLE.

  61. Calico of the Chittenden County Jungle Patrol
    April 11th, 2008 at 12:20 pm [Reply]

    #60 – Lindsey, apparently you’ve never lived in Vermont.
    I’m just sayin’.

    #51 – Once my partner and I went into a regional clothes store where they, I kid you not, had a pair of size 40 jeans for women. We could have won a sack race in those things.

  62. Howabominable (aka Lindsey ^_^)
    April 11th, 2008 at 12:26 pm [Reply]

    Oh, and that kitty in PBS? Cutest. Kitty. Ever.

  63. man behind the curtain
    April 11th, 2008 at 12:27 pm [Reply]

    #59 alley (not allie) cat- That thing could kill someone. It’s down right buttoxic.

  64. Howabominable (aka Lindsey ^_^)
    April 11th, 2008 at 12:30 pm [Reply]

    Sorry, but I find it hard to believe that Rex Morgan likes women who have “questionable morals” based on the past few years I’ve been reading. That line just confuses me. Just what does Rex consider to be questionable morals? Actually wanting to have sex with your husband once in a while?

  65. Little A. of The Bronx Jungle Patrol
    April 11th, 2008 at 12:41 pm [Reply]

    Oh yeah and I have been reading FOOB for many years and still read it even though it should be renamed, as I suggested, Syrup of Ipicac.

    I think that’s how it’s spelled.

    Incidentally, it is often remarked in this blog how terrible the art work is in Momma (and other strips). Well, the art work suits the humor. Imagine Momma drawn with some skill, with some competance (sp.?) I don’t mean realistically, just with some ability. It is hard to imagine, it is frightening to imagine what the thing would look like. Although I think Mad magazine on probably 42 different occasions did a feature called something like, If comics were drawn by other artists or something like that. The results were interesting, sometimes funny. Can you imagine, say, Dick Tracy drawn in the style of Chickweed Lane? Or Mary Worth drawn like Momma? Actually, I think we can all imagine that. Or One Big Happy drawn like Mary Worth? Or Mark Trail drawn by Mell Lazarus? Now that would be something to see.

    Yes, I have a lot of free time on my hands.

  66. One-eyed Wolfdog
    April 11th, 2008 at 12:44 pm [Reply]

    I am nostalgic for the Edison Lee of 2005.

  67. kingklash
    April 11th, 2008 at 12:53 pm [Reply]

    Tonight’s episode of Quinn Martin’s Jungle Patrol:

    “Dirt, Freezebag!”

  68. Warren
    April 11th, 2008 at 12:55 pm [Reply]

    Spider-Man: *sigh* Silly Krandis. If you’d done a bit of research into your foe’s marriage, you’d have learned that he *hates* free money.

  69. commodorejohn
    April 11th, 2008 at 12:56 pm [Reply]

    #65 Little A. – Ipecac, actually, but close enough. And yeah, Momma in a more realistic art style would be downright frightening; it’d be like Mary Worth, only with more incest and less jazz hands.

  70. The Casey
    April 11th, 2008 at 1:00 pm [Reply]

    Happy belated birthday, Zaq!

  71. Bryce
    April 11th, 2008 at 1:08 pm [Reply]

    The money in Krandis’ mouth unfortunately muffles us from hearing his plea of “god please kill me and end this horrible storyline”

  72. bats :[
    April 11th, 2008 at 1:17 pm [Reply]

    64. Howabominable (aka Lindsey ^_^): I think the flirting gene just is horribly, horribly mutated in some folks.
    http://www.flickr.com/photos/9545446@N07/2406138864/sizes/o/

  73. Anonymous
    April 11th, 2008 at 1:26 pm [Reply]

    #44 Little A. of The Bronx Jungle Patrol -

    “I miss Smilin’ Jack and Dondi. Now those were great comics!”

    A grave danger when people who came of age in the Bronx fall into conversation is nostalgia and I do try to avoid it, but man I miss Dondi.

    Do you remember The Chuck McCann Show and he would read the Sunday comics during one of the newspaper strikes? And he would dress up as LIttle Orphan Annie and skip unto the set? At least, I think it was him. It could have been Soupy Sales but I don’t think so.

  74. Gabacho
    April 11th, 2008 at 1:27 pm [Reply]

    #73 ^^ I did it. Sorry. I have this cookie cleanup thing on Firefox.

  75. Mr. Nice Guy
    April 11th, 2008 at 1:28 pm [Reply]

    Josh said, “Simon Krandis keeps a fistful of wadded up bribe money in his tuxedo jacket at all times. The man would have made a swell governor!”

    Apparently you don’t understand politics. Governors don’t pay bribes, they accept bribes.

    The man would have made a swell lobbyist. Would have had more power, too.

  76. UncleJeff
    April 11th, 2008 at 1:28 pm [Reply]

    Oh god, that Rex is so adorably drawn.
    and with each parody he gets funnier.

  77. Daijinryuu
    April 11th, 2008 at 1:29 pm [Reply]

    It looks more like Spider-Man turned down the offer of money, and Krandis responded by barfing up some more.

  78. Little A. of The Bronx Jungle Patrol
    April 11th, 2008 at 2:15 pm [Reply]

    73: I am pretty sure it was Chuck McCann. Boy, are we dating ourselves, although I am not ashamed to tell that I am almost sixty (chronologically, emotionally nine or ten, my wife says). If you haven’t yet, you can get cassettes or disks of The Uncle Floyd Show — everybody on this blog should get these things, they are available on Ebay and on Uncle Floyd’s website — they are great anarchistic shows from the 1970′s. If you can imagine a combination of Chuck McCann and Soupy Sales with more anarchy, less inhibition — there you go. Of course if you are too young, then you may not know what Anonymous and I are talking about. Uncle Floyd is still around, playing the piano and doing his shticks, 300 shows a year! God bless him!

    But to continue what I said up there somewhere, imagine, say, Curtis in the drawing style of Blondie, or Momma!

    And to repeat my question, are there any Agnes fans out there? I have no idea how many papers this strip appears in. Any Soup to Nutz fans?

  79. Foolster41
    April 11th, 2008 at 2:20 pm [Reply]

    Phantom: Obviously the other guy’s a terrible shot to miss BOTH of them at what looks like point-blank range. And of course the toehr side just calmly stands there with no cover and trades bullets.

    Spiderman: How did Spiderman know it wasn’t a gun? Well, his spider sense wasn’t tingling. Of course, spiderman’s forgotten the other times danger hit him unaware. Probibly the blows to the head.

  80. gleeb
    April 11th, 2008 at 2:22 pm [Reply]

    65, 69Ipecacuanha, if you’re nasty.

  81. Brick Bradford
    April 11th, 2008 at 2:23 pm [Reply]

    9CL Am I crazy or is “the turbo part” a thinly veiled reference to premature ejaculation?

    Arlo & Janis–I am SO going to try the cell phone on vibrate thing with one of our cats.

    DT Sigh. How realistic is creepynoeyesguy’s threat against Liz when HE ISN’T EVEN POINTING THE STUPID CROSSBOW AT HER!!!!!!!!!! Is she the worst cop EVER? Has she ever heard of hitting a perp on the head when his back is turned?

    Meanwhile, the SWAT team discovers that Wal-Mart hasn’t got the right key blank. The suspense builds.

    Phantom It’s always possible they missed! I’m betting on tomorrow’s strip being him rubbing his hand while the Jungle Patrol gals high five, or some such damned thing.

  82. Big Sims
    April 11th, 2008 at 2:23 pm [Reply]

    don’t make filthy Beetle Bailey joke. Resist like the gay guy in 9 Chickweed lane. Resist…

  83. ar_d
    April 11th, 2008 at 2:28 pm [Reply]

    #14 Cranky, I think the problem may be that the guns are all firing the word “BAM” instead of actual bullets. And maybe that guy could get more than 8 feet away if he would stop wasting his breath saying “HUFF” and “GASP” as he runs ;)

  84. PeteMoss of the Urban Assault Patrol
    April 11th, 2008 at 2:32 pm [Reply]

    I love how Phantom and Dick Tracy keep the creative violence in the daily funny pages. Fillin’ the bad guy full of lead is is fairly conventional, but having a couple of lovely ladies do the deed with cold blooded joy – creative! Dropin’ a bad guy off a roof top and then squshing him with a bull dozer earns bonus points for creativity! Sure, Spiderman featured a guy being electrocuted by a wired-up steel door, but the “execution,” if you will, of the violence was so poor, it loses the creative points it had earned.

  85. Little Guy
    April 11th, 2008 at 2:35 pm [Reply]

    17: Yay! Return of the Jungle Patro Ballad! Deux!

    Luann: Oh, Shannon, stop acting like a Burber.

  86. PeteMoss of the Urban Assault Patrol
    April 11th, 2008 at 2:38 pm [Reply]

    Wow! A behind-the-back-swing home run in Gil(l) Thorp(e). These Mudlarks are amazing. I gotta say I am sooo pleased with the new Thorpgraphicologist. Barky stick!

  87. PeteMoss of the Urban Assault Patrol
    April 11th, 2008 at 2:42 pm [Reply]

    Enormous Elly Arse Alert! You could show the wide-screen version of Star Wars on that thing. Baby got back to back back.

  88. Farley's Revenge
    April 11th, 2008 at 2:45 pm [Reply]

    MW: If Donna’s in a mood to make her kids really suffer, she’ll tell Mary all the details and then set her loose on the offspring to meddle like there’s no tomorrow. That would teach those ungrateful offspring to cause their dying mother such distress.

    As for the hand thing, I submit that Mary’s got some sort of mental ability like Star Trek‘s Mr. Spock, except where he used his to control minds and plant memories, Mary uses hers to provide opportunities to meddle.

  89. Diamond Joe
    April 11th, 2008 at 2:49 pm [Reply]

    #47 commodorejohn:

    I agree with you on the irrelevance of the season and the awkwardness of the dialogue. As I said in the last thread, it works better trimmed to just “We ran a trace on those duck calls… They’re coming from inside the house!”

  90. Diamond Joe
    April 11th, 2008 at 2:51 pm [Reply]

    #87 Pete Moss of the etc.:

    LOL (literally)! Now I’m going to be looking for any opportunity to say “Baby got back-to-back back.”

  91. commodorejohn
    April 11th, 2008 at 2:56 pm [Reply]

    #88 Farley’s Revenge – While I’m not the most obsessive Trekkie out there, I can only recall ever seeing Spock read minds, except in Star Trek III, where he backed up his soul on poor Dr. McCoy. I wasn’t aware of any Vulcan mind-control abilities, though I could be wrong.

    #89 Diamond Joe – See? Any one of us can do a better job of joke-writing than the imbecile responsible for this atrocity.

  92. D. E. I.
    April 11th, 2008 at 2:57 pm [Reply]

    I see “Shoe” is wearing a polo shirt. Usually, he’s naked, except for shoes (hence his name?). And the “sexy lady birds”? C’mon! Is that supposed to be her hair or plumage? Where’s the Audubon Society when you need them? Shoe: it’s like pabulum, only disgusting.

  93. Mrs. Buck Tuddrussell
    April 11th, 2008 at 2:58 pm [Reply]

    #44 and #78 – I love Agnes! Someone on Usenet mentioned it to me a few months ago and I fell in love immediately.

    I also bookmark my Chron comics, but mix the stuff I like with the stuff I just want to snark on. The side effect of doing so means I get unfortunately hooked on strips like Gil Thorp and Rex Morgan.

    GT: Speaking of Gil, he seems to be nursing a killer hangover after drinking 2/3 of a beer last night.

  94. Marthas Rolling Pin
    April 11th, 2008 at 2:59 pm [Reply]

    #78 Little A, I’ve tried Agnes (several times) and Soup to Nutz, but didn’t enjoy them for very long. Maybe just a you say potayto, I say potahto thing. Neither one of them is obnoxious or irritating to me, just not my cup of tea (or big tall glass of sweet iced tea, which might explain a lot right there)

  95. Zaq
    April 11th, 2008 at 3:04 pm [Reply]

    Does anyone else out there play Mario Party, specifically MarPar 8? I bought it the other day, and I’ve been intrigued by the grisly demises that the losing characters constantly receive in the minigames. It’s really Dick Tracy-esque. A very partial list, just off the top of my head, includes:

    Being dropped into lava
    Falling down a ridiculously high cliff
    Being dropped into DIFFERENT lava
    Sinking into frigid Arctic waters
    Being trapped in a computer which is then turned off
    Being abducted by hostile aliens
    Being dropped into a pit of electricity (I know it doesn’t make sense; it doesn’t have to)
    Being exploded by a bomb roughly 6 or 7 times larger than they are

    I’d played Mario Party 2 back in the day, and I don’t remember the preponderance of violent deaths that the losers endured. I think it happened somewhere between 2 and 8. I’m sure there were a COUPLE, but not NEARLY so many. Now, of course, my roommate and I (also a Dick Tracy fan) feel compelled to narrate the violent deaths of the losers in those rare occasions that it’s not actually shown. Has anyone else noticed this? I know MarPar 8 isn’t a really fantastic game, but oh well, my question stands.

  96. Marthas Rolling Pin
    April 11th, 2008 at 3:05 pm [Reply]

    GT: The part of Gil Thorp in panel 3 is played by guest actor Dean Smith. Baseball season is going to suck, but Milford should go deep in the playdowns next basketball season.

  97. Flipper
    April 11th, 2008 at 3:15 pm [Reply]

    #89 Diamond Joe: Your rewrite is brilliant! Argyle Sweater desperately needs a copy editor of your caliber. It’s often very funny, but it makes you wade through a rambling paragraph of wacky lettering to get to the punch line. (Even Comic Sans would be a vast improvement!)

    Maybe the strip will get some much-needed editing now that it’s syndicated. It jumped from web to print just this Monday.

  98. electro of the Jungle Patrol
    April 11th, 2008 at 3:33 pm [Reply]

    Look, I’m proud of my membership in the Jungle Patrol and everything, but is it really …sporting… to call someone a loser while you’re simultaneously pumping him full of hot lead? I’ll have to refer to my training manual.

  99. Antiquated Tory
    April 11th, 2008 at 3:57 pm [Reply]

    DT: I assume both the baddies and Liz [?] know he’s in armor from the godawful racket he must have made for 10 minutes or so putting it on.
    Even by DT standards, isn’t this getting a little bizarre? Leaving aside the vital question of why Liz didn’t just beat the crap out of crossbow boy.

  100. PeteMoss
    April 11th, 2008 at 4:02 pm [Reply]

    You know, Margo Magee, I was watching the Food Channel the other day and picked up a great recipe for Apple, .5 Milk, and olive cassarole. Come on, now. It’s your only mother. Use a little imagination.

  101. Islamorada Girl
    April 11th, 2008 at 4:21 pm [Reply]

    20 Danzig: I MET A CHRISTIAN SINGLE AND NOW I”M HAVING HIS ALIEN BABY! (as seen on the cover of True Confessions).

  102. alley (not allie) cat
    April 11th, 2008 at 4:43 pm [Reply]

    #100, PeteMoss – either that, or, here’s a crazy idea, go out to eat at a restaurant. What’s up with inviting someone over for dinner and requesting that they provide the meal?

    But, well, okay, maybe you’re right. She could make a nice colorful soup out of milk, an apple, and olives.

  103. Gold-Digging Nanny
    April 11th, 2008 at 4:55 pm [Reply]

    So is there a Crock-Plugger crossover in the works that I wasn’t aware of?

    Pluggers are too stupid to opt out of unsolicited credit card offers.

  104. commodorejohn
    April 11th, 2008 at 4:56 pm [Reply]

    #97 Flipper – Wait, this piece of crap can go from webcomic to print and strips like Ozy & Millie can’t? I’m gonna go beat the stuffing out of…I dunno who, but someone.

  105. mollificent
    April 11th, 2008 at 5:06 pm [Reply]

    Yesterthread 69 boojum: LOVE David Sedaris, though that particular story is almost more than I can bear. Hearing it read aloud (I have ‘holidays on ice’ on tape) is just too heartbreaking.

    Yesterthread, 91 Tweek’s Coffee/today 100 PeteMoss (re: A3G): Yeah, I mean, come *on*. Mario Batali would SO have improvised a seven-course meal from the contents of that fridge (including fabulous fruity cocktails!). Go Iron Chef America!

    (Yes, cable is rotting my brain…or at least, finishing the job comic snarking has begun ;))

    MW: I picked up a stack of old, threadbare Nancy Drew mysteries for fifty cents each yesterday (the old yellow hard-bound ones) on the basis of pure nostalgia, since the collected Nancy Drew mysteries went a long way toward teaching me to read (about thirty years ago). Reading them again, I’m flabbergasted to realize that Nancy Drew is like a young Mary Worth! Despite the fact that she’s underage and has NO qualifications, she insists on sticking her lovely blue eyes and golden titian hair into the business of everyone around her, whether or not they ask her to. In one book she flies clear to New York just to tell some mooching actress that the old woman she’s bleeding dry can’t afford to keep sending her money, even though the woman (who Nancy only met a few days before) is insistent that she doesn’t want to tell the young lady. Classic Mary Worth move…”It’s utterly none of my business and contrary to your wishes, but I think it’s my responsibility to butt in and solve your problems for you!” She also badgers her famous lawyer father into taking the woman’s legal case free of charge, even though he’s up to his eyeballs in clients. She’s like Veronica Mars without the wonderful cynical edge that kept VM from the Dark Side of the Meddling Force (and didn’t always, at that).

    OK, really didn’t mean to babble on so long. Yes, I know I already compared MW to Mrs. Fletcher of Murder She Wrote, but this is different…my realization here is that while Mrs. Fletcher was kickass, Nancy is just an annoying buttinsky at a prodigiously young age. And I’d also forgotten about the quite horrifying racist and sexist overtones in the books, which I was far too innocent to understand in my earlier reading (and, luckily, haven’t been influenced by…that I know of).

    /Rant off. Really. I mean it.

  106. Loopina
    April 11th, 2008 at 5:13 pm [Reply]

    #78: I like Agnes ok, but I don’t like the drawing style.

    #95: Zaq, your description of this newfangled game confuses and frightens me! In my day, the most grisly death you could expect was being hit by two pixels, after which you would blink and disappear.

  107. Lark
    April 11th, 2008 at 5:22 pm [Reply]

    Am I the only one who found it odd that The Pursuader called his brother Krandis? I mean, Krandis even told us they had the same last name.

  108. dale
    April 11th, 2008 at 5:51 pm [Reply]

    Zits 4/11

    First two problems:

    You need a ladder to reach the lowest spike/step thing on a real utility pole.

    Pus for Brains attached the clamps to the insulators.

  109. Nemo
    April 11th, 2008 at 5:59 pm [Reply]

    It looks less like Krandis has had money stuffed in his maw and more like he’s vomiting out a mass of greenbacks. Which would make a pretty interesting superpower. He could destroy the entire economy just by splurging on ipecac.

  110. T Campbell
    April 11th, 2008 at 6:28 pm [Reply]

    So when do we get the “Your call, loser” T-shirt?

  111. The Spectacular Spider-Brick, Decreer of Things
    April 11th, 2008 at 6:34 pm [Reply]

    I decree that it is time… to respond to other people’s posts!

    Danzig @ 20: Found it. If anyone else wants to see another side of the Christian Single Girl (or at least, the same side, flipped), go here and click the third cover from the left, on the bottom row. She looks a lot trampier in close-up.

    commodorejohn @ 47: Actually, the caption box is a play on the title of the film “When A Stranger Calls,” the movie from which the old the-call-is-coming-from-inside-the-house schtick hails. So, I thought the joke was funny. I’ve added it to my Chron list.

    Little A @ 65: I’d like to see A3G drawn by Eduardo Barretto (of JP and RMMD fame). Just imagine what he could do with LuAnn in her nightgown. Grrrr.

    Dale @ 108: That’s the only reason Jeremy isn’t dead.

    And to no one in particular… the last panel of Spider-Man would have been a lot funnier (OK, it would have been at least a little funny) if Spidey had instead said “Stuff it.”

  112. Pendragon
    April 11th, 2008 at 6:35 pm [Reply]

    June can haz cheezburger?

  113. alley (not allie) cat
    April 11th, 2008 at 6:47 pm [Reply]

    #111, Spectacular Spider-Brick – Re the Christian Singles Girl on the cover of True Story, I notice that the article title to the left of her states, “Summer Bonus Book-Length Miracle of Faith: God has a Special Purpose Just for You! Read My Story & Discover Your Special Purpose Today!”
    Are we SURE that’s a stock photograph and not our very own Christian Singles Girl??

    Or is she affiliated with “Two Men….One Sultry Summer of Love”?

    I think we deserve some answers around here.

  114. Dean Booth of the Affect Ad Patrol
    April 11th, 2008 at 6:55 pm [Reply]

    #20: Good catch, Danzig. Here is the July 2007 cover of True Story magazine next to the Christian dating girl. Same pic. It looks like in the magazine, she discovers her “special purpose.”

  115. WithoutaK
    April 11th, 2008 at 7:00 pm [Reply]

    #105 mollificent: My God! You’re right! I never made the connection between between Mary and Nancy because I stopped rereading Nancy Drew before I started rereading MW when I stumbled across this site. I remember at some point in high school, realizing that Nancy Drew was just a rich, pretty buttinsky with too much time on her hands (seriously, get a job, go to college, do something) and that the only likeable characters were her father and George (though they are enablers). I no longer find them to be gripping, interesting tales of intrigue, but now that I can think of them as hi-lar-ious-in-an-awful-kind-of-way novelizations of young Mary’s adventures I may have to read a couple again. Thank you for this wonderful mental connection.

    P.S. You’re right about the racism/sexism though, bad form that. The originals I read from the library and the reprints I own differ subtly though, so I think they may have toned it down. Thank goodness they didn’t update the drawings or the lingo!

  116. Husanarkisten
    April 11th, 2008 at 7:11 pm [Reply]

    Where are the swedes?

  117. The Spectacular Spider-Brick, Decreer of Things
    April 11th, 2008 at 7:11 pm [Reply]

    Alley (not Allie) Cat @ 113: Well, she sure looks like the same girl… if not her trampier twin sister. But it looks like “True Story” is a Christian-themed magazine, so if she is just a stock-photo model, at least she seems to run in Christian circles.

  118. Dean Booth of the Affect Ad Patrol
    April 11th, 2008 at 7:12 pm [Reply]

    #111, 113. Oopsie, cross posts.

  119. Wolf Shepherd
    April 11th, 2008 at 7:20 pm [Reply]

    #114. After close examination, I note one minor difference between the two photos: the pink one is missing a small protrusion on her left whatchamacallit. Or is that just my imagination?

  120. The Spectacular Spider-Brick, Decreer of Things
    April 11th, 2008 at 7:25 pm [Reply]

    Dean Booth @ 114: From your comparison, it’s obvious that the Christian Singles version we’ve all come to know and lust over has had her makeup toned down, particularly the blusher and lipstick. ‘Cause, you know, good Christian women would never wear too much makeup.

  121. commodorejohn
    April 11th, 2008 at 7:28 pm [Reply]

    #111 The Spectacular Spider-Brick – Okay, so now the caption box makes a little more sense. Everything else about it still sucks, though. Also, while I love Baretto’s art as much as the next Abbey fan, I think even he would have trouble making Luann attractive; her brain-dead demeanor and the fact that she’s nearly devoid of personality place her squarely in the Uncanny Valley, at least in my opinion.

    #114 Dean Booth – Wow. That’s just awesome. The only problem with the picture is that it means the much-discussed nipple pokage in the Christian Singles ad is just a JPEG artifact. Drat.

  122. TennesseeJed
    April 11th, 2008 at 7:46 pm [Reply]

    Zits: Jeremy not understanding the concepts of what exactly electricity DOES is about to kill his amp. A Fender Ender.

  123. mollificent
    April 11th, 2008 at 8:14 pm [Reply]

    115 WithoutaK: Yup, they have gone through and revised the books periodically to reflect “more modern” sensibilities (they were first published in the thirties!). But there’s still a lot of icky stuff in there. My only consolation is realizing that, as “Carolyn Keene” never existed and the books were actually written by a slate of corporate ghostwriters, it’s not like they bowdlerized great literature…Nancy, God bless her, was a whore from the start. ;)

    After all that, though, they are still a pretty entertaining read, especially from a kitsch standpoint (some more than others). And the ones where she flew to various exotic locales had some pretty interesting stuff in them, however filtered through fifties American consciousness. “The Clue In the Crossword Cipher” where she goes to Peru, I believe, is still a favorite.

    But she’s still an interfering young busybody. Just like our beloved *gack* Mary.

  124. Flipper
    April 11th, 2008 at 8:17 pm [Reply]

    #104 commodorejohn: If your seething hatred of The Argyle Sweater leads you to uncontrollable fisticuffs, I suggest you start with folks with facial hair. They’re always guilty of something.

    And at the risk of further pugilism abetting, here’s the Universal Press Syndicate Press Release about Scott Hilburn’s rise to fame and success. They address the comparisons to Gary Larson, though one of the papers deems Hilburn to be “edgier than Larson.”

    (Are you pummeling yet?)

  125. Penelope
    April 11th, 2008 at 8:18 pm [Reply]

    Thank you, Josh, for the most wonderfully descriptive, nauseating phrase I’ve never heard before: “…utterly squicks me out.”

  126. Shermy Glamrocker
    April 11th, 2008 at 8:23 pm [Reply]

    #88 Farley’s Revenge says:
    MW: If Donna’s in a mood to make her kids really suffer, she’ll tell Mary all the details and then set her loose on the offspring to meddle like there’s no tomorrow. That would teach those ungrateful offspring to cause their dying mother such distress.

    I really can’t imagine this story line taking any other direction.

  127. Talking Squirrel
    April 11th, 2008 at 8:42 pm [Reply]

    Well now, if Mary Worth is a big buttinsky, that surely makes Elly a big buttoutsky. She could rent that thing out for Ron Paul to hang a banner on.

  128. AhClem
    April 11th, 2008 at 8:53 pm [Reply]

    Shoe – Judging from the arms and lack of wings or feathers, I’d say the blond on the barstool is humanoid, not a bird. Interspecies lust must be the reason why a seedy, cigar-chomping bird is hitting on her.

  129. Shermy Glamrocker
    April 11th, 2008 at 9:04 pm [Reply]

    #127 Talking Squirrel says:
    Well now, if Mary Worth is a big buttinsky, that surely makes Elly a big buttoutsky. She could rent that thing out for Ron Paul to hang a banner on.

    Or “Free Tibet.” They could see it from Beijing.

  130. commodorejohn
    April 11th, 2008 at 9:24 pm [Reply]

    #124 Flipper – God almighty, these deluded suits think this pile of garbage “might be the next Far Side!?” That’s like picking four random lower-class British youths and saying they “might be the next Beatles.” Yeah, I’m gonna have to go through the UPS staff directory and find the people working there who have facial hair. It’s Fist O’ Justice time for the sake of Gary Larson’s poor legacy.

  131. mollificent
    April 11th, 2008 at 9:34 pm [Reply]

    Ow! Thank God my face is starting to heal, because this thread is making me giggle like mad. Hmmm…given the choice between healing faster and reading the ‘Mudge, that’s a tough one…

  132. The Spectacular Spider-Brick, Decreer of Things
    April 11th, 2008 at 9:43 pm [Reply]

    commodorejohn @ 130: What do you have against the good people of the United Parcel Service?

  133. commodorejohn
    April 11th, 2008 at 9:47 pm [Reply]

    #132 The Spectacular Spider-Brick – Faugh! Those knaves have mislaid my parcels for the last time! ;D

    (Universal Press Syndicate, in case you hadn’t guessed.)

  134. KT
    April 11th, 2008 at 10:07 pm [Reply]

    Aww, I like the sexy girl birds! But then I’m the furry here, so. :}

  135. commodorejohn
    April 11th, 2008 at 10:18 pm [Reply]

    #134 KT – At the very least, I find them less repulsive than any of the other Shoe characters. I’d probably agree with you completely if they were drawn by a better artist.

    And hey, you’re not alone; both Niall and I are somewhat of that disposition as well.

  136. Wimpy
    April 11th, 2008 at 10:28 pm [Reply]

    #102: alley (not allie) cat says:
    What’s up with inviting someone over for dinner and requesting that they provide the meal?

    “You simply must come over to my place for a duck dinner. You bring the duck.”

  137. Farley's Revenge
    April 11th, 2008 at 11:22 pm [Reply]

    commodorejohn@#91: Spock used the mind meld/mind control bit several times, sometimes on aliens(the Horta) but not above using it on humans. He even used it to make Kirk forget some Hot Young Thing in one episode where the HYT had to choose between Kirk and Methuselah, who created her. Alas, I’m not enough of a Trekkie to remember the names of most episodes beyond my favorites so I can’t name the specific episodes.

    Mary could be an old Nancy Drew. She meddled where she shouldn’t and had to go into the Meddler’s Protection program, change her name, and move to some small unsuspecting town where she could meddle anonymously.

  138. LTBF
    April 11th, 2008 at 11:28 pm [Reply]

    How are they going to get into the Jungle Patrol if it took them longer to park and get out of their truck than it did for the bad guy’s car to flip over (with him not wearing a seat belt) and for him to crawl out of the window.

  139. bats :[
    April 11th, 2008 at 11:37 pm [Reply]

    Saturday’s RMMD: Okay, we went from cute ‘n’ flirty Friday to frightening perspective Saturday. It’s bad enough that the Morgans are eating at Joe’s Diner (where they should be running into Steve Shannon and Gloria any minute now), and that June suddenly has way too much of an interest in the meat (the hamburger, that is), but I’m not sure that in the final panel if she’s going to eat it or inhale it. She sure has pretty teeth, though.
    And if she starts making slurp gob chew masticate noises, I’m going to hit somebody.
    (Oh, yeah. I believe I scooped them on the “torches and pitchforks” line. Grrrr! Grrr!)

  140. Poteet
    April 11th, 2008 at 11:40 pm [Reply]

    4/12 MW — Mary’s expression in Panel Two makes my blood run cold. She’s going to make that Rich ‘n Ron Reconciliation happen even if she has to crack their heads open and swap their brains.

    RMMD — AAAAIIIIEEEE!

  141. bats :[
    April 11th, 2008 at 11:49 pm [Reply]

  142. Scherzo
    April 12th, 2008 at 12:14 am [Reply]

    Saturday’s Phantom
    “Not by much we didn’t.”
    pause
    “Not by much we didn’t!”
    What the boxcar is THAT suposed to mean?

  143. Poteet
    April 12th, 2008 at 12:25 am [Reply]

    # 141 bats — HAR! You’ve got their special dynamic nailed.

    DT — Re Panel Three, we should only be so lucky.

    GA — The entire storyline is so fundamentally insane that it seems petty to complain about the use of the word “both,” but it really does make no sense in this context.

  144. kippetje2000
    April 12th, 2008 at 12:41 am [Reply]

    My god what is that thing on the end of Margo’s wrist? http://farm2.static.flickr.com/1077/545127869_80a288d3c0_m.jpg

    At last, some fancy foreshortened-arm of the law action. ‘Bout time somebody hit someone. Even if it’s gotta be Tess.

    Oh, come on….A Plugger strip about brownies from someone named Baker? This must have come from a ‘mudgeon.

    And finally, why do I imagine that the girl in Slylock is wearing a strap-on carrot?

  145. odinthor
    April 12th, 2008 at 12:51 am [Reply]

    GTSaturday, April 12 — Is . . . is that Coach Kaz in panel one? We need a more defined drawing of him, dammit! And, in panel 3, why is John Erlichman giving someone an award, and who amputated his left hand? And why does the lectern have a railroad crossing sign on it? At least the kids in panel 2 look good ‘n’ geeky.

  146. jonnya
    April 12th, 2008 at 12:56 am [Reply]

    One Big Happy Foob:
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S-qvARRrRMk

    On an unrelated note- If you go to Hulu.com and watch reruns of “Friday Night Lights” and make pretend that they are live action “Gil Thorp” episodes, all of a sudden it becomes a really funny show.

  147. kippetje2000
    April 12th, 2008 at 1:14 am [Reply]

    Johnnya: That was ACES man. Keep up the good stuff and frequently.

  148. mollificent
    April 12th, 2008 at 1:18 am [Reply]

    Wow…Saturday’s Dick Tracy gets more and more disturbing with each panel. First, Liz looks like she’s dug her fingers deep into our villain’s ear canal in order to rip his face off. Then he crushes her larynx with an impressive jabbing technique, before completing his transformation to the Spawn of Satan.

    Oh, and he incidentally bought his jacket at the same boutique as June’s ColorMorph(tm) outfit from last week.

    FOOB: Hmmm…I was just thinking that this FOOB at least reflected the whole “the more things change, the more they stay the same” idea. Then Michael piped up to remind us all of the selfish, grasping attitude that’s got us all into this fucking mess in the first place. Thanks for making me want to slit my wrists, Lynn. Again.

    GA: I’m not sure what the joke is supposed to be, since a farm would be just about the best place for an agoraphobe there is. I mean, as opposed to, say, a metropolitan environment populated by nobs and bluebloods galore. Oh, why am I wasting my precious mental energy on this?

    GF: Hehehe. Good one, Bucky. Also, clearly Rob isn’t up on his British slang.

    MF: OK, Tinsley, I’m only going to say this once (sigh…as if). Shut. The. Hell. Up. You’ve dragged this “Typical White People” crap out to Mary Worthian proportions.

    MW: And speaking of Mary…the look of pre-emptive smug satisfaction on her face in panel two says it all. “Don’t worry, Donna…your sons WILL reconcile. I’ll hunt them down and bludgeon them with my Right Fist O’Meddlin’ until they scream for mercy.”

    MT: Them sideburns on that there villain should punch off real nice-like.

    Pluggers: Is Plugger Grandma off to paint her office yellow now? OK, but for the love of God, no Daisy Dukes. That’s all I ask.

    RMMD: AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH the jaws of doom the jaws of doooooooom!

    PMP: I admit I laughed at this. But after reading three Nancy Drew mysteries straight through in a row today (in which someone gets kidnapped every five minutes) it just struck me funny. :)

  149. kostia
    April 12th, 2008 at 1:21 am [Reply]

    Does Simon Krandis know who Spider-Man is? Are Spider-Man and Mary Jane Parker acquainted outside of their acquaintance when he’s Peter Parker?

    Wasn’t it always weird when Superman called Lois Lane “Lois”?

    My point is, I think if I were a masked superhero protecting my secret identity’s wife from a villain, I wouldn’t call her by her nickname in front of him and then stuff money in his mouth. I’d say something like “STAND BACK MA’AM” and then … use … my … powers … you know, this scenario just doesn’t fit Spider-Man at all. Never mind.

  150. Vakar
    April 12th, 2008 at 1:30 am [Reply]

    #44, #93 I don’t know how I heard of Agnes, but I’ve become a fan! Thanks again, Chron!

  151. BenG
    April 12th, 2008 at 1:35 am [Reply]

    DtM: “It’s as if we’re back in ancient greece.”

  152. kippetje2000
    April 12th, 2008 at 1:37 am [Reply]

    mollificent : “pre-emptive smug” of pre-emptive biddying. he he

    I think the joke in GA centers around the girls’ ignorance between agora and agri prefixes, no?

  153. Vakar
    April 12th, 2008 at 1:43 am [Reply]

    RMMD: Okay, who complained about the ‘overused’ up-the-nose angle in this comic? Whoever you are, you are responsible for the horror that is panel 3!

  154. mollificent
    April 12th, 2008 at 1:52 am [Reply]

    152: argh argh argh. that’s what I get for babbling on so much. By the time I get around to proofreading my eyes just sort of slide over the mistakes.

    And thanks for clearing up the GA business. Yeesh. The lights are on, but nobody’s home. ;)

  155. Mrs. Buck Tuddrussell
    April 12th, 2008 at 1:53 am [Reply]

    Rex Morgan: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP

    Gil Thorp: If that’s Kaz in panel one, I am going to cry.

    Get Fuzzy: So did any newspapers boycott *this* strip? O noez, pot jokes! Save the children!

  156. Artist formerly known as Ben
    April 12th, 2008 at 1:56 am [Reply]

    4/12

    FC: Oh, the way Thel’s breastseses are being drawn now, I can’t imagine much gender confusion.

    RMMD: :Let’s all go on a psychedelic journey through June’s mouth!

    Phantom: True, it did take both of them shooting in unison to wing the suspect. On the other hand, they’re good at belittling.

    GA: Wonderful. Sturdy has another ailment we’ll never see in action.

    DT: Oh, but those ear-pulling classes at the police academy were so long ago.

    H&L: Who is Ditto talking to in the last panel, and why are we not worthy to hear what he’s saying?

    GT: Okay, from this distance it looks like Kaz is still bereft of earrings. There are compensations, though. Gil’s Herb & Jamaal style narration, for example, and the classic herding of dorks in the second panel. Yeah, Gil Thorp’s back, baby!

    Momma: “So I recommend killing and eating them, little birdie. I wish I had.”

    MT: Dammit, the golden retriever is feeling too good about dogkind. He’s not going to let your cynicism get him down.

  157. Adjuster
    April 12th, 2008 at 2:36 am [Reply]

    Saturday’s MW: the corpses are going to start piling up in Charterstone. First Mary kills Aldo, and now Death-wish Donna begs Mary Worth to meddle in her affairs.

    “Mary, please patch things up between my two sons so I can die.”

    Mary smiles and gets ready to add one more notch to her tuna casserole dish…

  158. Diamond Joe
    April 12th, 2008 at 2:46 am [Reply]

    #130 commodorejohn:

    Whenever anyone calls X “the next” Y, I want to tell them that one of the main reasons Y was so successful is that it wasn’t “the next” anything.

    Now, on to Saturday’s unfunnies:

    Archie: I think the logic behind the AJGU-3000′s epic today goes something like this: Jughead loves food; a cafeteria serves food; therefore Jughead loves being in the cafeteria. Of course, they don’t serve food during detention, so you’d think that at best, it would be a wash, and at worst, it would be a constant reminder that he’s not eating. But as others have pointed out, the AJGU-3000 has only a rudimentary grasp on human psychology.

    B.C.: “Most inalienable.” That’s a bit like “most unsinkable” or “most unique.” (And yes, I know many people say things like “most unique” anyway.)

    BB: This is just a warm-up. Now that this has worked, Beetle’s going to get Sarge to dress in chaps and a banana warmer for “Miss Buxley’s bachelorette party.”

    Bizarro: Better dialogue: “We just take one limb off and let them go. Some stone crabs gave us the idea.”

    Cathy: Memo to Cathy Guisewite: iPhoto and iDVD are programs that come free with the Mac, not something you have to buy.

    Curtis: What’s that rumbling sound coming from Adam Smith’s grave?

    DtM: “…because this day is seeming like fucking forever.”

    DT: So, since the last panel of yesterday’s strip, Liz crossed the room and got behind him, and he didn’t notice? Tom Servo must have taught her about quantum linear superposition.

    DieS: Yes, but snarking feels so good.

    DinS: “Okay, Ma. Now tell me why the floor of the garage is raised up about two feet from where the car is, and tilted uphill.”

    F-: Hey, it’s Howard Fisher!

    Foob: “No, there won’t be any jobs left for you; you’ll have to become a crappy novelist.”

    Fred Basset: Please stop there; I don’t want to hear any more.

    Gil Thorp: “But he’ll throw his back out, and the club president will have to wave his stump to distract everyone.”

    GaBI: “Of course, he has no idea he’ll be stone dead this time tomorrow. Oh, wait, we forgot to go out of the room, didn’t we?”

    H&J: Evidently women don’t sneak their own snacks in. Or maybe they get eight hours of action films when they’re “subject to a consequences.”

    H&L: Does hitting a ball beyond the pitcher’s mound qualify as a “bunt”?

    Marm: Why does this rare example of day-to-day continuity kind of freak me out? Maybe it’s because it opens up the possibility of an in-depth examination of life with Cujo, there.

    MW: I enjoy the second panel. That look and posture say, “Oh, this is just too easy” as clearly as any thought balloon.

    Phantom: And I enjoy his shocked offense after trying to shoot them. First MW, then this. Is there something wrong with me?

    Pluggers: Plugger kids know marijuana has many uses.

    Quigmans: Oh, if only, if only…

    Rubes: Why, does Death recommend a mortuary to the survivors?

    SF: Does girl-on-rabbit trump BB’s suggestion of man-on-dog the other day? I think it’s the carrot that pushes it over the top.

    SB: I think someone needs a refresher course on gender differences in marsupials.

    SS: “Don’t laugh, Snuffy. Your retirement involves brimstone up the ass for eternity.”

    actually made me laugh: Pearls Before Swine

  159. lostsynapse
    April 12th, 2008 at 2:50 am [Reply]

    Arlo & Janis 5th panel: Hoe on Ho Action

  160. Arglebargle
    April 12th, 2008 at 3:24 am [Reply]

    RMMD: Sweet Mother of God. I don’t know which is more disturbing: the delight June’s taking in the impeding lynching, or…no, wait, I do know which is more disturbing. Jeez, I was eating when I saw that. Now I am not eating. Ever again.

    Luann: I’m tellin’ ya, Brad…run like hell.

  161. Arglebargle
    April 12th, 2008 at 3:25 am [Reply]

    Impending lynching.” Man, I gotta stop sniffing this Ajax!

  162. True Fable
    April 12th, 2008 at 3:26 am [Reply]

    A3G They are going to make Luann the main course? Otherwise wtf is Margo on about? It’s hard for me to believe that Luann is a successful artist on the strength of Flower Paintings.
    BF The more this comic tries to be like FBoFW, the less I enjoy it.
    Cathy (Must Die!) That’s right – dump the blame. Bitch.
    Crock Doesn’t make a lick of sense.
    (WT)DT BWAHAHA! One look at Liz tugging on the side of Spooky McEyeballs’ face made my root beer spray out of my mouth and nose.
    FC Because it’s better than being a Bachelor o’ Farts, Billy.
    FBoFW Another flashback, now fortified with more Irony From The Mouths of Babes!
    (WTF)GT Is that supposed to be Kaz in panel one with Gil? FIE! Where’s his earring; where’s his 1970′s wing-styled hair? Dammit! Well, to be fair the new artist managed to bring the three-disjointed-panel thing home.
    Scenes from Suburban Hell Check out Ditto’s expression in the second panel. Total Forrest Gump-strength Dumb, right there. Doidee doidee doh, gonna go play ball now, durr durr durrrr…! I love it.
    JP What the FUCK, Abbey – RIDE THE HORSE, fool! That farm is WAAAAY down the valley! She’s shapely but DENSE.
    MT Oh, so they are concentrating on the “sad little girl” angle and haven’t noticed that hello, maybe not every pet owner can or will shell out big bucks to get their pet back. Veeerrrry clever, Mr. Elrod. or is it?
    Marmadick Apparently we are going through a ‘big dogs make it hard to read papers’ phase.
    MW This looks like a job for… Mary Worth, Time Lord!!! a quinn martin production!
    Phantom That’s pretty cold blooded, even for Jungle Patrol candidates. Yeah, yeah, you’re only shot a little, quitcherbitchin’. It’s not like you’ve ever had to be a waitress, mister.
    RMMD Don’t look so mad, Rex. You’ve known for years that all June wants is to have something in her mouth that she likes.

  163. dyslexic dog
    April 12th, 2008 at 3:39 am [Reply]

    142–Scherzo:

    Mr. Briefcase’s accent is so Swenglishly thick, it sounded like he said, “Y-you missed me!”

  164. Diamond Joe
    April 12th, 2008 at 3:39 am [Reply]

    #160 Arglebargle:

    Ah, quitcher bellyaching! It could have been worse– they could have given us that extreme close-up on the second or third bite.

    Incidentally, where does one go to buy skin-colored lipstick?

  165. MWDG
    April 12th, 2008 at 5:02 am [Reply]

    MW-The story would be much more interesting if Donna’s sons were conjoined

  166. Tats
    April 12th, 2008 at 6:23 am [Reply]

    A3-G: I know the obvious conclusion is that Gabriella and Margo will be eating Lu Ann for dinner, but I like to think there’s something else at play. Perhaps Margo’s finally sprung for that operation to cure Lu Ann’s congenital lack-of-cleavage-where-cleavage-should-exist. She’s just got the one big boob, you know.

    FC: “Why did they make you a bachelor of arts, mommy? Didn’t they know you were a girl, and girls have no business in institutions of higher learning unless they’re cleaning the floors?”

    MW: That final panel is excellent, almost deific imagery of the good Saint Mary, Patron of Screwing with Others for Funsies. She’s practically sprouting a halo. After that cripplingly-dull flashback interlude, it’s nice to get back to this image of Mary as I remember her: delightfully smug, irritatingly arrogant, unstoppably power-hungry, and built like a linebacker.

    S-M: This week’s strip is hilarious. Spider-Man, what are you even talking about? Krandis is off to obscurity, away from the banality of the Persuader, and most importantly, no longer in this godawful strip. That’s something neither you nor your proportionally questionable wife can claim.

  167. Big Sims
    April 12th, 2008 at 6:43 am [Reply]

    I shudder to think of the Night of the Long Knives in Crankshaft’s near future. One by one, gardeners are pulled from their beds and put into school buses, never to be heard from again.

  168. Howard
    April 12th, 2008 at 7:05 am [Reply]

    I like the sound effects.

    Huff, gasp, blam blam blam!

  169. gleeb
    April 12th, 2008 at 8:15 am [Reply]

    ‘shaft: “Crankshaft? That ain’t no Kraut name.”
    “He changed it when he became a citizen. It used to be Kurbelwelle.”

    Dick: I guess the Chief has been focusing too much on administrative duties. She’s let her chops get rusty. Either that or it’s the fact that only Tracy gets to capture and kill the villain.

    Abbey Driver, adventuress: “Nice work, Shadow”? “Stay here”? It’s a horse, you can’t tell it things. Who do you think you are, the Phantom?

    Phantom: Speaking of whom, here we can see the quiet smile that bloodshed brings to his face.

    Rex: I’d just like to point out that, heedless of cliche, they are eating at Joe’s.

  170. The Spectacular Spider-Brick
    April 12th, 2008 at 8:53 am [Reply]

    A3G: LuAnn, you don’t have to point to yourself when saying “me.” I know it’s a tough concept for you, but the rest of us have no problem understanding reflexive pronouns. “Oh! I thought my name was ‘you’! Ha ha ha!”

    FC: “This says you have a B.A. But I heard Daddy say you only went to college for your ‘M.R.S. degree’!”

    (DEP*)GT: Choir kids? In Gil Thorp?!? Blasphemy! Next thing you know, Kaz will be coaching the chess team. This is wrong. The only reason nerds exist is for Cully Vale to kill them in tragic atomic-wedgie accidents. Meanwhile, Elmer Vargas’ dad gets an award for Best Quasimodo Impression.
    *derisive epithet pending

    HotC: For shame! Kids Heart’s age shouldn’t be let in to see There Will Be Blood.

    Jungle Patrol! In Color: Who has a permit to carry handguns and shoot fleeing suspects in the line of duty? Not ex-cops and waitresses!

    RMMRSA: Those clever townsfolk have hit upon the perfect solution for the MRSA outbreak: Gather together with people who have been in contact with infected sufferers and pass clipboards and pens from hand to hand. It’s not petition-resistant staphylococcus aureus, after all! Meanwhile, Panel 3 makes me miss Niki somehow. Looks like Rex feels the same way.

    6C: Ha ha! Painful breakups are funny! But cheer up, Rob, now you can move to a strip that has women whose breasts don’t resemble half a cup of lumpy oatmeal in a Ziploc bag.

    SFx: Coming up next on Quagmire After Dark, one of these girls is hiding a second carrot. We’ll find out where. Giggity giggity, giggity goo.

  171. Ukulele Ike
    April 12th, 2008 at 8:59 am [Reply]

    A3G: LuAnne can make a fair living at flower painting. She just asks a potential customer the color of his sofa, and paints him a picture of a nice bunch of flowers to match. Who says Commerce and Fine Art have to be strange bedfellows?

    DtM: Thanx and a tip of the Ketchum hat to Ray Bradbury’s Dandelion Wine.

    MT: I’m getting the impression that Fat Lady is the eviller of this duo. Ponytail looks downright touched by the sad little girl’s story in Panel Two, there. Will Mark’s fist end up on those waitressy jowls instead of a hirsute, manly jaw?

    Wimpy @ 136: And I assume you’ll be having pickle, onion, and lettuce both on your hamburger?

  172. essteess
    April 12th, 2008 at 9:01 am [Reply]

    137 Farley’s Revenge said: Spock used the mind meld/mind control bit several times, sometimes on aliens(the Horta) but not above using it on humans. He even used it to make Kirk forget some Hot Young Thing in one episode where the HYT had to choose between Kirk and Methuselah, who created her. Alas, I’m not enough of a Trekkie to remember the names of most episodes beyond my favorites so I can’t name the specific episodes.

    At the risk of outing myself as a Trekkie-in-denial, I’ll mention that in “The Omega Glory” (the one where they discover an Earth-like planet where the Communists won the Cold War) Spock used his mind control to impel a HYT to take her clothes o-, er, sorry, to bring him a communicator so that he could summon the Enterprise and get himself, McCoy and Kirk out of a jam.
    There was another episode, which title I’m forgetting, where several of the Enterprise crew were imprisoned but Spock used his mental powers to make the guard think they had all escaped. Which, of course, they then did.
    By the way, that episode were referring to, “Requiem for Methuselah”: Perhaps you should slightly alter the “HYT” appellation to “HBRAAYT” (Hot But Really An Android Young Thing).

  173. Ukulele Ike
    April 12th, 2008 at 9:04 am [Reply]

    SS-B @ 170: I only read Six Chix on Saturdays because I think Stephanie Piro draws cute, if squiggly, people. But I agree that she really could use a refresher course in womens’ breasts.

  174. MDtoMN
    April 12th, 2008 at 9:19 am [Reply]

    Anyone who has enjoyed the last few days of Jungle Patrol madness should check out Brenda Starr. I can honestly say that I never would have expected this! Apparently Dorita is not only part Cratchet, she’s also part Zombie.

  175. Calico
    April 12th, 2008 at 9:52 am [Reply]

    #165 – Oh, please, no yes.

    BTW, aren’t we looking smug today, Mary?

    Beetle – oh God, more weird role-play between B and Sarge.

    FW – Pete, three little words: Safety Deposit Box
    I’m gonna start calling you “Dopey Pete.”

    3G – I sense a spirited version of “Who’s on First” coming up between Luann and The Margo-who-cannot-cook.

  176. Jonny Quest
    April 12th, 2008 at 9:54 am [Reply]

    Judge Parker: Abbey sure looks cute in that fedora. A bodacious body, great wealth and a sense of style. A woman like this is wasted on Sam Driver.

  177. prospero
    April 12th, 2008 at 10:00 am [Reply]

    Okay. The final frame in today’s Rex, MD is the single most disturbing image in the history of comic strips. Doc is thinking vagina dentata, and wets his u-trou a little.

  178. Calico
    April 12th, 2008 at 10:12 am [Reply]

    Phantom – some of the most awkward dialogue I’ve heard since, well, the last few weeks of Gil Thorp, which introduced us to the non-OED word “Maximally.”

    RM – more nostrils, mule! Rex looks pissed.
    If you’re not getting any from him, June, might as well chow down and enjoy it.

  179. Cranky
    April 12th, 2008 at 10:32 am [Reply]

    Zits – Is the “No” series of strips a Scott and Borgman homage to Marvin’s “Belly Laffs” series? The answer is yes, if “homage” is French for “equally lazy aping”.

  180. Vince M
    April 12th, 2008 at 10:38 am [Reply]

    Re. today’s ‘Ink Pen’ – I sense a disturbing trend…

  181. dreadedcandiru2
    April 12th, 2008 at 10:53 am [Reply]

    FBorFW: By running this particular chunk of heavy-handed moralizing, Lynn has reminded us that Elly has always been an apathetic do-nothing who’d rather whine about trivia than take charge of her life and make it better. Kudos, Crazy Woman!!

  182. dreadedcandiru2
    April 12th, 2008 at 10:54 am [Reply]

    #179: Cranky — Could be, could be.

  183. Brick Bradford
    April 12th, 2008 at 10:55 am [Reply]

    DT Apparently hair pulling and scratching are the only unarmed combat techniques taught to women at the police academy in Dick Tracy world. Two words Liz: CHOKE HOLD!

    Arlo and Janis: Why did Arlo suddenly turn into Burt Mustin in the last two panels? (Burt Mustin palyed The Amiable Old Geezer in hundreds of tv shows and movies in the 60′s and 70′s).

  184. Calico
    April 12th, 2008 at 10:57 am [Reply]

    #179 – But the art in Zits is soooo much better, IMO.
    And it’s easy to translate into French and Spanish this week! Yay!

    FOOB fact – the title in French (In QC, at least)is “Pour le meilleur ou pour le rire.” Hope y’all took copious notes on that one.
    Lynn loves the Spanish culture, but never really gives Quebec a wink. Funny, considering it’s part of Canada, but actually not many Anglo Canadians speak French. Zut!

  185. Calico
    April 12th, 2008 at 11:02 am [Reply]

    Damn, I meant “Pour le meilleur ou pour le pire.”
    “Rire” loosely means “For Fun” or esp. “For Laughs”, neither of which FBOFW has been for some time now.

  186. John C Fremont
    April 12th, 2008 at 11:10 am [Reply]

    # 173 – You say that Stephanie Piro could use a refresher course in women’s breasts, Ike? I’d just like to point out that I’m available for the job. And inspired by The SSB at #170, let me just add, giggity, giggity, giggity! Alright!

    # 183 – I likes me a good Burt Mustin reference once in awhile!

    A3G – Oh boy, I can’t wait to see this recapped tomorrow. I hope the recap the hell out of it!

    Foob – Her radio goes “click” when she changes channels? Wow, 1980’s technology was awesome!

    GF – I didn’t laugh. I giggled. A lot. Just like Beavis.

    MT – Stop talking about it and do it, already! I gots to see me some punchin’!

    MW – In today’s first panel, Donna is Eddie from Rocky Horror Picture Show. (Oh, no, Meatloaf again?) And in the second panel, Mary gives Sylvia Sydney her “Oh, yeah?” face. She’s shifting into Turbo Meddle mode, as Edda Burber might say.

    RMMD – Um, uh – oh, I, uh. Hmm. Now there’s something Rex never sees.

    Phantom – He could’ve had a V8!

    DT – So she’s pulling his mask off, or…

    GT – That was one of the weirdest things I’ve ever seen. And it answers the question of what a baseball film by Luis Bunuel would look like. And Elmer Vargas’ dad has scoliosis.

  187. Paul1963
    April 12th, 2008 at 11:13 am [Reply]

    180 Vince M.– Okay, is “Ink Pen” the name of a strip, or is the phrase being used in a strip? Because that phrase irritates the hell out of me. What the fuck else does a pen write with? Gaah.

  188. Lisa
    April 12th, 2008 at 11:26 am [Reply]

    Paul, I can tell from that post that you are not from the South, nor are your antecedents. ;o)

    The reason certain people say ink pen is because in parts of the country pen is pronounced the same as pin. So you have to differentiate, if it is not obvious in context, between a writing implement and something to stick into something, as in a safety or straight pin.

  189. John C Fremont
    April 12th, 2008 at 11:39 am [Reply]

    # 146 – I can’t believe I’d never seen Family Circus Monkeys before! You are twisted, Jonnya. And for that, I salute you.

  190. bats :[
    April 12th, 2008 at 12:05 pm [Reply]

    146. johnnya: yay! I happened to be doodling at youtube yesterday and caught your Mary Worth/Star Trek vid…short, sweet and funny (meddling and all!).

  191. Charles
    April 12th, 2008 at 12:28 pm [Reply]

    DT – That loose skin being pulled back? Yeah. That’s a visualization that I could have not seen, thank you very much.

    Gasoline Alley – Haha! He’s probably afraid of castration tools! Oh, those MEN.

    GT – Elmer Vargas’ Dad is getting some sort of award… and indigestion.

    JP – You know what’s more exciting than standing around for hours doing nothing? Making it a plot in your daily serial comic strip.

    Luann – If this has been said before, I apologize: I don’t like how the kid has been drawn. She doesn’t look like a kid, she looks like they just took a drawing of an adult and shrunk her down to size.

    MW – Poor Donna. She is ASKING Mary Worth for help! What section of the hospital is she in? The psych ward?

    Phantom – At least two shots to the abdomen and he’s a crybaby? Uh… wow. WOW. I…. just…. WOW.

    S-M – This plotline is wrapping up? Seriously? Good! I can’t wait to see how this all looks on the evening news.

  192. queek
    April 12th, 2008 at 12:39 pm [Reply]

    1809: My thoughts exactly
    187: “Ink Pen” is the name of the strip. Imagine a temp agency for cartoon characters, and there you’ve got the plot.

    A3G: Lu Anne as a loldog:

    http://ihasahotdog.files.wordpress.com/2008/04/funny-dog-pictures-exclamation-point-shock.jpg

  193. commodorejohn
    April 12th, 2008 at 12:56 pm [Reply]

    AS – Well, much to my surprise, the only thing particularily wrong with today’s Argyle Sweater is that the joke is stupid and not very funny, particularily as the colloquial term for this act is “jump-start,” not “charge.” Rant duly abbreviated.

    Crankshaft – Well, the entire rest of this storyline sucked, but those last two panels almost make up for it.

    Curtis – Um, dude, “supply and demand” is one of the underpinning principles of free-market economics. It’s not the name for the activity you’re describing.

    DT – Wow, the action here is as confusing as any given panel of Gil Thorp. Usually in Dick Tracy you can at least tell what’s going on, but this is just…huh. Also, holy crap, this is the first Dick Tracy strip since I started reading that has three new panels of events that haven’t already been depicted in previous strips.

    FC – I find it difficult to believe that females on the Keane Kompound are allowed to have higher education. That diploma’s probably going on the family barbeque shortly.

    FOOB – Oh, it’s Elly’s favorite channel, the Miserable Whining Network.

    GT – Well, the Rotary Club appears to be every bit as bland and uninteresting as I figured it would be. There’s not even any Escherian impossibilities to be found, except for the fellow in panel three who’s either wearing a skirt or sitting on top of his table and missing the bottom half of his torso.

    JP – Whaddya wanna bet the horse comes to her rescue when the Dickenses get ahold of her?

    Lockhorns – Someone managed to connect Leroy’s loli art site with his real-life identity.

    Luann – Toni’s Niece, you are the best Luann character in all of ever.

    MT – Best first panel ever.

    MW – Just look at that expression on Mary’s face. Afraid? You should be.

    Momma – Perhaps Comic Book Guy from The Simpsons also has “a rare Momma where she advises a friend to commit infanticide.” Nah, they’re probably not that rare.

    PBS – This has been the best week of Pearls Before Swine I’ve seen yet.

    Pluggers – As generally ugly/repulsive as most of the Pluggers cast are, I can’t help but find the “grandkid” characters cute as buttons.

    RMMD – I’m still failing to understand what these angry masses plan to do. Are they going to sue the hospital for people getting sick? No comprendo. Anyway, I love Rex’s look in the last panel – he’s thinking “why is she getting the suggestive shots all of a sudden? I’m the one with the ‘trout’ around here!”

    SM – Well, except for the part where he really didn’t seem to care about his brother that much, anyway. Also, have you noticed yet that Spider-Man’s entire superheroing contribution to this storyline was (A) showing up, which caused the Persuader to get himself electrocuted, and (B) crunching Krandis’s gun? Seriously, this has to be his least active storyline yet.

  194. kippetje2000
    April 12th, 2008 at 1:10 pm [Reply]

    “By the Great 8-Fingered Left-Hand Squid of Margo….” The poor woman’s hand jive has transformed her genetically. Watch out for those digitatal tentacles LuAnn, they are as dangerous as the vice like claw of the unseen right. Don’t eat the food, LuAnn, even Gabrielle has been affected. She use that giant index finger to gouge out your eyes. Or pick out your nose. Run LuAnn, run.

  195. Flipper
    April 12th, 2008 at 1:19 pm [Reply]

    RMMD: I think we’re being treated to this extremely extreme close-up of June’s mouth because she is about to contract MRSA from the tainted beef being dished out at Joe’s Diner. Remembering this day when it all started will be no problem because the image has been burned into our retinas in a very ham(burger)fisted manner.

  196. bats :[
    April 12th, 2008 at 1:27 pm [Reply]

    195. Flipper: What? June contracts MRSA? Oh, no! It’s *much* worse than that!
    http://www.flickr.com/photos/9545446@N07/2407536223/

  197. commodorejohn
    April 12th, 2008 at 1:30 pm [Reply]

    #196 bats :[ – AAAAIIIIEEEEE

  198. Flipper
    April 12th, 2008 at 1:35 pm [Reply]

    #196 bats :[ – LOL! I guess I didn’t realize MRSA stood for Mount Rushmore Sized Ass.

  199. Zaq
    April 12th, 2008 at 1:35 pm [Reply]

    GF: Is “whinging” not a real word? I use it all the time… and so does my mother. Odd.

    DT: On the one hand, we finally have Liz trying to subdue Mr. E. Ville, and Mr. E. Ville actually dealing with her. On the other hand, it makes no goddamn sense. I’m torn.

    Crock: what

    MW: LOOK at Mary in Panel 2 there. This is what she LIVES for. She’s not even trying to hide it. On that note, wouldn’t it be funny if either Moy or Giella, but not both, were playing towards us, and making this ridiculous on purpose? I wonder which would be funnier?

    BC: This is actually better than average, though it loses points on two fronts: One: most inalienable right? Really? More than free speech or life liberty and pursuit of happiness? Second, people actually don’t know who they’re going to vote for? The differences between the candidates have never been more stark! THIS IS NOT HARD, PEOPLE!

    FW: Little do they realize that old comic books are printed with a chemical that causes cancer on contact.

    GT: I absolutely love the art, on the one condition that the person Gil’s talking to in panel 1 is not, in fact, Kaz. If it is, I agree with the earlier stated opinion that I’m probably going to cry.

    RMMD: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHgaspAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH

  200. Lisa
    April 12th, 2008 at 1:37 pm [Reply]

    Re the little girl in Luann, she bears more than a passing resemblance to Emily the Strange….

  201. Lisa
    April 12th, 2008 at 1:39 pm [Reply]

    “whinging” is, I think, the British usage for “whining”… at least all the usages I have seen of whinging are the same as for whining….

  202. Ukulele Ike
    April 12th, 2008 at 1:40 pm [Reply]

    John @ 186: I’m not foolin’ about those breasts, John. Go over to today’s “Six Chix” and take a good, long look at those breasts of Stephanie’s.

    Half cup of lumpy oatmeal in a Ziploc, indeed. I’d much rather spend MY time looking at Rina Piccolo, except her jokes are just as bad and her drawing is worse.

  203. skullcrusherjones
    April 12th, 2008 at 2:26 pm [Reply]

    Phantom- The man survives two shots to the chest at point blank range [i]and[/i] thay call him a pussy? Either those girls have piss poor aim or they like harassing and cuffing soon-to-be-corpses.

  204. Shoebox
    April 12th, 2008 at 2:56 pm [Reply]

    #201 – You’re right (‘whingeing’ is an alternate spelling). I would guess that Conley is going for one of his usual semi-obscure UK references, but have a feeling this one got mangled in translation.

    Mary Worth – So…I’m getting the strong impression that this is all this strip consists of, this vaguely creepy old lady going ’round making things right in the upper-middle-classes, while pretty young people cheer her on, or at least would if they could muster a facial expression? For, like, twenty-odd years now?

    …uh-huh. Kind of reminds me of an old Bob & Ray routine, in which small-town folk (Ray) visit a ‘kindly old crackerbarrel philosopher’ (Bob), and the entire dialogue consists of variations on:
    “So, how are you doin’ today, Bill? Grateful for all I’ve done for ye, eh?”
    “Yep, mighty grateful, Ben…”
    “And your wife, she’s grateful too, eh?…”
    “Yeah, she’s grateful too, Ben, we’re all mighty grateful…”
    “…Your family, they’re all grateful, I expect?…”

    Etc., etc.

  205. dale
    April 12th, 2008 at 4:08 pm [Reply]

    ink pen

    The term has bugged me ever since I first heard it two score and ten years ago. My original thought was that my classmates were trying to differentiate between a ballpoint and a fountain pen. When I realized that I was probably the only kid in the class with a fountain pen, I decided that it was an irritatingly redundant way to describe that which was not a pencil.

  206. bitter law student
    April 13th, 2008 at 8:00 pm [Reply]

    Poor Mr. Krandis… having money shoved into one’s mouth didn’t end well for Jennifer Connelly in “Requiem for a Dream” either.

  207. Paul1963, Grammar Division of the Jungle Patrol
    April 13th, 2008 at 10:55 pm [Reply]

    188 Lisa: Right you are. Some people consider Maryland to be “the South,” but I don’t think any of us who actually live here are among them. Dad was from upstate New York, Mom’s family moved around a bit before moving to Ohio and, later, to Maryland.

    205 dale: That’s the usage that makes me crazy. “Let me hold your ink pen.” So I guess the wooden thing with the eraser on the other end is a “lead pen?” Or a “graphite pen?” Bah.
    And people who refer to that weapon consisting of two sticks joined by a short chain as “numbchucks” should be beaten with them. Double bah.
    And the word is “supposedly,” not “supposably.”

  208. karen millen
    February 17th, 2011 at 1:08 am [Reply]

    Pretty! This was a really wonderful post.. Thanks once again for the push!

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