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Cool comics teens like provide helpful PSAs!

Wizard of Id, 12/20/12

Hey, teens, I bet you think that it’s “cool” to drink alcohol! Well, your pal Frosty is pretty hip and extreme with his backwards baseball cap and such, and he thought it would be OK to get drunk like a grown-up, and look what happened: he tore his own body apart and hurled it in gory chunks at his enemies, who presumably ran away in gibbering terror. This is what’ll happen to you if you let bad kids give you a hard lemonade at a party. Just ask for a Mountain Dew instead! You’ll thank us later!

Mary Worth, 12/20/12

The Sad Tale of Dawn’s Sadness that just concluded began way back in May, so obviously we need something wacky to cleanse our palate in its wake. But even longtime Mary Worth trufans such as myself could never have predicted how wacky things would get. Mary coaching an amateur cake designer to victory in the face of smug, sneering professionals, all in an attempt to cash in on the cake decorating TV craze of four years ago? Mary finally getting to see her many rambling philosophical diatribes transformed into pastry dioramas, wowing the world with her wisdom? YES PLEASE.

Better Half, 12/20/12

Whatever, Stanley is just going to keep on doing weird sex stuff with that remote, and he doesn’t need God or society’s approval, man.

377 responses to “Cool comics teens like provide helpful PSAs!”

  1. Cetacean Love Buzz
    December 20th, 2012 at 8:30 am [Reply]

    A3G: What’s Cathy really going to do — put it out that the new James Bond is a hard drinking womanizer?

    FC: The funny (not “ha-ha”) thing is that is kinda sorta right. As I understand it, J&M sold the frankincense and myrrh to finance their flight to Egypt.

    Hi&Lo: Complements to the colon monkeys for the two-tone milk jug, plus transparency effects. But you’re still not getting a Christmas bonus.

    JP: How sharper than a serpent’s tooth it is to have a thankless child, eh, Judge, Sr.?

    JP2: “Who taught you to be a thankless, ungrateful, selfish little shit?” “I learned it from you, okay? I learned it from watching you!”

    MW: CAKE OFF!!! CAKE OFF!!! CAKE OFF!!! /Zippy

    MW2: “It’s not my cakes I’m afraid they’ll laugh at, but this damned jaw and tongue transplant. It keeps saying things I don’t intend — hell! I don’t even like cake! Out of all the death row inmates they could have harvested for organs, I got the Mad Baker of Goleta!”

  2. Liam
    December 20th, 2012 at 8:31 am [Reply]

    MW-Help doing what, Mary? You can’t cook. All you can do is make solid lumps of color and pass them off as food and everyone smiles as they force bites down their throats.

    MW 2-”I can hear the snarky comments now.”

    MW 3-”I shall eliminate the competition.”

    FW-”I love selling people my stuff that I sold you.”

  3. Irrischano
    December 20th, 2012 at 8:34 am [Reply]

    I’m really interested in this developing Mary Worth plotline. Not this business about some cake contest, I mean the silhouette reunion of “The Mod Squad”.

  4. Aphthakid
    December 20th, 2012 at 8:37 am [Reply]

    MW: I can’t help but notice no one is eating this cake…

  5. teenchy
    December 20th, 2012 at 8:37 am [Reply]

    @Liam (#2): Stupid Crazy, you’d think he’d have delivered enough eBay packages during his USPS career to know he could bypass the middleman. Of course then he would have to interact with said USPS that just canned him and not interact with the rest of Westview’s soul-sucking inhabitants.

  6. Chareth Cutestory
    December 20th, 2012 at 8:41 am [Reply]

    Wizard of Id: How can his stick hands hold bottles? How can his stick hands form snowballs? How does alcohol affect the freezing point depression of his snow man body? Why can’t I just get on with my life?

    Mary Worth: Oh, by the way, I specialize in erotic cakes. Care to see my collection? Perhaps step on a few with your bare feet? Check out my YouTube channel!

  7. Little Blue Bicycle
    December 20th, 2012 at 8:42 am [Reply]

    MW: Earlier in the week, the jumping horses/goats were about midway in the cake. Now they’re leaping up to the next level. Animatronics? Witchcraft? Live seahorses? Whatever, don’t sell his cakery short.

  8. Liam
    December 20th, 2012 at 8:47 am [Reply]

    A3G-Listen to Cathy, Greg. She is willing to do more publicity work for you than Margo has.

  9. nescio
    December 20th, 2012 at 8:49 am [Reply]

    WoI: “Frosty! You don’t look so good! What the heck happpened?” “I spilt a Mountain Dew and some neighborhood kids ate me like a snow cone.”

  10. BigTed
    December 20th, 2012 at 8:49 am [Reply]

    If Santa Royale is anything like the real-life Santa Barbara, “downtown” is basically a collection of loud bars, camping stores and hip T-shirt shops. I imagine the people laughing about the prospect of a cake-decorating contest in their midst won’t be the bakers.

  11. Mibbitmaker
    December 20th, 2012 at 8:51 am [Reply]

    6C: Updating an old SNL sketch from Eric Idle’s first hosting gig, 1976.

    Curtis: Michelletoe?

    MT: “Then again…. there IS that whole trying-to-kill-me thing. And… y’know…. those… sideburns….”

    MW (more for yesterday’s strip, but it still goes): He’s perfectly happy with how things are. So, naturally, Mary’ll fix that problem…

  12. Hibbleton
    December 20th, 2012 at 8:55 am [Reply]

    MT: And by “I’ll deal with them” he means Mark will beat the crap out of ‘em.

  13. BigTed
    December 20th, 2012 at 8:58 am [Reply]

    It’s a magic hat that brings Frosty to life, right? I’m guessing he’s been a little off since he swiped this one from a boy band member in 1995.

  14. terrapin
    December 20th, 2012 at 9:00 am [Reply]

    A3G: “Is that a threat, Cathy? Because if it is I’ll send a lightning bolt over there to scortch your wrinkled ass!”

  15. Marc
    December 20th, 2012 at 9:01 am [Reply]

    @Mibbitmaker (#11): And don’t forget the moustache.

  16. Adam Bahm
    December 20th, 2012 at 9:02 am [Reply]

    @Cetacean Love Buzz (#1): The Colon Monkeys? What a great name for a rock band!

  17. Beetle Bumstead
    December 20th, 2012 at 9:03 am [Reply]

    BH: I don’t know why Stanley clutching that bucket of rocks with his thighs, but the cat looks stunned by what has happened.

  18. Arabella
    December 20th, 2012 at 9:05 am [Reply]

    FW: Why do these guys have time to stand around yakking on one of the busiest shopping days of the year? Oh, the only three people who are buying comic books have already been in. “By the way, Harry, we can’t afford Christmas bonuses this year. Just take back one of your comics that I put in the ‘Free’ box.”

    Argyle Sweater: Did the censors not catch that? Or is it OK if “turd” is only implied.

    BC: Can anyone explain this? It’s way too subtle for me.

  19. Big Bad Dave
    December 20th, 2012 at 9:13 am [Reply]

    That cake appears to be expanding at an alarming rate. Why, you’ll soon be able to float a yacht in it. That’ll show the Santa Royale sneerers.

  20. Peanut Gallery
    December 20th, 2012 at 9:18 am [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#Y208):

    “J’ai toujours rêvé d’être un décorateur de gâteau.” Albert Camus

    “The Academy jeered at my black cake with black icing. Philistines.”

  21. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    December 20th, 2012 at 9:18 am [Reply]

    9CL: the juxtaposition of this and her doppelgangers condition in today’s Pibgorn is rather ironic.

    SBp: buh-wha? o_O

    Zits: d’awwww.

    Bizarro: outing yourself on a date fail.

    JUMBLE: Jeremy is on point, but Walt is looking a lot slimmer here.

    OBH: ouch.

  22. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    December 20th, 2012 at 9:19 am [Reply]

    Love Is . . . paid for by the hour.

  23. Marc
    December 20th, 2012 at 9:20 am [Reply]

    9CL- Amos is coveting a woman that isn’t a burber. Well he’s screwed.

    A3G- Who doesn’t love a good slandering? I can’t wait to see what Aunt Cathy is going to threaten to expose about Greg. Because so far he’s shown he’s nothing more than a boring, lazy dimwit.

    Mark Trail- Editor Bill Ellis is staring daggers at that little island. He’s going to make those bastards who ruined his vacation and made Mark’s better pay. That’ll teach them to choose Mark over him to receive a free tropical island vacation with all the pleasure bonefishing he can handle.

    Mary Worth- “Mary, I’m telling you I won’t win. I’m not very good at making cakes and I’ll be exposed at that cake making competition. I mean Jesus Christ, that cake over there on the table is just an old throw pillow that I dumped a couple of gallons of pink frosting on. Why do you think nobody is eating it?”

    Funky- The funny thing is that the USPS didn’t actually close down the Westview post office. They just told Crazy that because they wanted to get rid of him and they knew he’d just accept it and be too fucking stupid to ask for a transfer or collect his pension.

    Luann- So this establishes that Shannon lives with Toni right? If Shannon getting a shitload of food for Christmas ensures that Toni won’t have to shop for a year, that pretty much seals it. So now it’s just a matter of when she finally fesses up that the little brat is actually her kid.

    Cranky- Can I get you any more egg nog? Get you something to eat? Drive you
    out to the middle of nowhere, leave you for dead?

  24. Voshkod
    December 20th, 2012 at 9:21 am [Reply]

    WoI: “Frosty! You don’t look so good! What the heck happpened?”

    “Marmaduke.”

  25. Beebs
    December 20th, 2012 at 9:22 am [Reply]

    MW: I like to think that Mary’s line of I’ll help you is followed by her thinking to herself, “Help you realize that I’m the damn baker around these parts! And if my oddly shape, blandly colored food is good enough for me it is good enough for everyone! Your winner’s circle will be the damned third circle of Hell after I make you kill yourself from embarrassment!”

  26. endless sky
    December 20th, 2012 at 9:23 am [Reply]

    Pluggers: This was #7 for the whole year? Are we going in reverse order, with #1 being the lamest of the lame? Where have you gone, Reed Hoover?

  27. seismic-2
    December 20th, 2012 at 9:23 am [Reply]

    A3G: “Is that a threat, Cathy? If so, then I had better make it more menacing, by putting down the phone in my right hand and instead holding this stapler in my left hand up to my face. Now, I feel threatened! OK, carry on.”

    FC: Yes, PJ, your expression says it all – she really is that stupid.

    JP: So the bride’s father will be present, but not the groom’s? Alan and Katherine’s next move is obvious – they must attend the ceremony by buying the cruise ship. Or Mexico.

    MW: Don’t be so modest, Mr. Dill. We all know that in fact you actually were a professional decorator.

  28. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    December 20th, 2012 at 9:24 am [Reply]

    MW – “You don’t understand, Mary. Sure, my cake is adequate for the biddies here at the pool party. But the full-time cake design professionals down at the Santa Royale cake district would eat me (though not my cake) alive! You don’t understand how ruthless the competitive cake design business is in this town. Dozens of upstarts are run out of business every year – or, they just disappear, without even a smear of frosting to let anyone know they ever lived.”

  29. Hibbleton
    December 20th, 2012 at 9:24 am [Reply]

    WoI: I don’t get it. The snow is actually colored white. Is that the joke?

  30. Joe, the Upper-Evergreen Guy
    December 20th, 2012 at 9:26 am [Reply]

    RMMD:

    Monday: “Duuuude!! You’re that famous dude!!”
    Tuesday: “Duuuude!! You’re a celebrity!!”
    Wednesday: “Duuuuude!! You’re gunna be a big hit at the party tonight!!”
    Thursday: “Duuuuude!! You’re gunna be a big hit with the hotties tonight!!”
    Friday: “Dude, Where’s my car?”

    Jesus H. Tapdancing Christ…….

  31. sporknpork
    December 20th, 2012 at 9:30 am [Reply]

    Is that cake hat box flavored?

  32. Greg
    December 20th, 2012 at 9:34 am [Reply]

    W of I: Most disturbing of all, Frosty felt the need to rearrange his coals into a frown. The snowman is dedicated to his craft! If only I knew what that craft was….

  33. Écureuil Écumant
    December 20th, 2012 at 9:34 am [Reply]

    @Adam Bahm (#16): “The Colon Monkeys?”

    I took it as a shout-out to The Wizard of Oz.

    And speaking of Wizards, just say no to snowman butt-chugging!

  34. Downpuppy
    December 20th, 2012 at 9:41 am [Reply]

    A3G has seldom made sense but this: A crone threatening James Bond with bad publicity – is an annihilation of sense more powerful than Russell’s paradox & more startling than Gödel’s incompleteness theorems .

  35. Hibbleton
    December 20th, 2012 at 9:42 am [Reply]

    MW: “Thanks, Mary. Right now I’m only good at spreading icing on a snare drum but I plan to start baking as soon as I figure out how to light the oven.”

  36. endless sky
    December 20th, 2012 at 9:45 am [Reply]

    Thanks to Mary Worth, Inc, for the best Christmas present ever. We’ll be laughing all the way to the cake play-downs.

  37. seismic-2
    December 20th, 2012 at 9:50 am [Reply]

    Agnes: This just gets better and better, every day. A new Christmas story is born. Eat your heart out, Charles Dickens!

    DT: Is this leading up to Dick and Honeymoon’s spending Christmas on the moon, maybe? Darn it – I was so looking forward to a special Dec. 25 cosplay story arc with the Crimson Knight battling Santa Claus.

  38. Dale
    December 20th, 2012 at 9:51 am [Reply]

    MARY WORTH

    Prize Winning Cake Design: dodecahedron

    Many of you are saying, “But it would fall apart by its own weight.”

    No. Not if that pink stuff is relatively fresh bubblegum.

  39. Cetacean Love Buzz
    December 20th, 2012 at 9:52 am [Reply]

    @Adam Bahm (#16): Derp! “color”

  40. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    December 20th, 2012 at 9:55 am [Reply]

    Apologies in advance, but I have to get this one out of the way so that I can go on with life ….

    MW – Man, I’ve seen some stupid, ridiculous plots in Mary Worth before, but this one really takes the cake!!

  41. TheDiva
    December 20th, 2012 at 9:59 am [Reply]

    MW: Cake? The more I look at that thing in the background, the more I’m convinced it’s a hatbox with a few Cathedral pieces scattered on top of it.

  42. Getafix
    December 20th, 2012 at 10:01 am [Reply]

    Better Half: Oh yeah, I think I’ll settle down in my favorite chair and watch some football. Remote .. check. Warm fuzzy cat … check. Bowl of eggs … check.

  43. MaryLand
    December 20th, 2012 at 10:02 am [Reply]

    @Aphthakid (#4):

    No one is eating it because fondant tastes terrible. You can have a tasty cake or a fondant sculpture, but I personally have never seen both in one cake. ;)

  44. Anonymous
    December 20th, 2012 at 10:06 am [Reply]

    MW: Wow, the people in the background sure turned dark all of a sudden. They’re no fools: “Worth is on the loose! Quick, transform to sillhouette mode and pray she doesn’t notice us!”

  45. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    December 20th, 2012 at 10:07 am [Reply]

  46. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    December 20th, 2012 at 10:07 am [Reply]

    and comics-related snark!

    meanwhile, near LaCuc.

    meanwhile, next to A-3G.

    Winter is Coming. (wonderful Peanuts/Game of Thrones mashup.)

  47. Fats Pinto
    December 20th, 2012 at 10:08 am [Reply]

    Mary Worth – I totally feel for Mr Dill. Getting laughed at by small-town cake designers is a sure sign that your life has reached its nadir.

    Wizard of Id – CTRL-X the Wizard’s hat and robe and voila! Next week’s B.C. strip!

  48. Jeff
    December 20th, 2012 at 10:10 am [Reply]

    MW:

    “A retired hotel manager who designs cakes in his spare time?
    Cake Pretenders!! Premiers tomorrow at 9:00! Only on the Food Network!

  49. Mikey
    December 20th, 2012 at 10:10 am [Reply]

    Bill Ellis to the rescue with Mark’s flamboyant twin brother Matt Trail!

  50. TheDiva
    December 20th, 2012 at 10:11 am [Reply]

    9CL: At least it’s not Thorax peddling rictus grins.

    A3G: “No, I’m just saying. Have fun with the Bond movie!”

    FW: “Sure, I don’t have a livable wage, benefits, pension, or any job security after December 25th, but who cares? Comic books!

    Luann: “No really, I want Santa to please bring me food! You haven’t given me anything to eat for two days…”
    “Awww, kids say the darndest things!”

    Pluggers: Just think about the 346 strips that didn’t make the cut….

  51. Nekrotzar
    December 20th, 2012 at 10:13 am [Reply]

    I’ll help you, Mr. Dill. First I’ll show you that you can get cake pans at a specialty baker’s supply store, rather than the local cooper.

  52. Cetacean Love Buzz
    December 20th, 2012 at 10:24 am [Reply]

    @Adam Bahm (#16) & @Écureuil Écumant (#33): FYI, the Colon Monkeys are currently on tour with Rat Hole. XAllAgesX

  53. Horace Broon
    December 20th, 2012 at 10:28 am [Reply]

    A3G: “Ha! The joke’s on you! Thanks my current publicist, I don’t have a reputation for you to ruin! No-one knows who I am at all!”

    MW: Wait, Mary is encouraging someone to visit the pit of horrors that is downtown Santa Royale?

    S4th: When the final straw hits the camel’s back, Sal, be ready to wrestle the breadknife from her.

  54. Puzzled Pagan
    December 20th, 2012 at 10:30 am [Reply]

    That cat in Better Half is terrifying. Just staring. Judging.

  55. Artist formerly known as Ben
    December 20th, 2012 at 10:35 am [Reply]

    BH: While channel surfing, Stanley enjoys a bowl of whole uncooked potatoes. If nothing else, it’s low cholesterol.

    MT: “We’ll do everything we can to get your friend back, Mr. Big Scary Floating Head.”

    Ziggy: Ziggy bought a parrot for voyeuristic sexual purposes. There are places to report that kind of thing, aren’t there?

    FW: “And sometimes you let me eat crumbs off the floor, which is awfully decent of you.”

    Baldo: The key to talking to Santa is sincerity. Once you fake that you can fake anything.

    JP: “Yeah, April actually likes her family and wants them to be there for one of the most important days of her life. Weird, huh?”

    H&L: Cold milk? That will never do for going to sleep. Either put it on the stove and warm it up, or fetch the Kahlúa.

    GT: Scott is her “boo”? I’m not sure if this is not-quite-current urban slang or a “To Kill a Mockingbird” reference, but my money’s on the latter.

    Shoe: Cosmo’s restaurant review starts off by bitching about the cost of drinking the taste of the food out of your mouth, which gives us some insight into the average Treetops Tattler reader.

    Momma: “He said he can give you a hell of a ride for half an hour, really give you your money’s worth. Then he winked.”

    S4th: Did they leave forwarding addresses when they drove to freedom? Couldn’t blame them if they didn’t.

    Marvin: Marvin’s grandfather can actually understand what the kid says, poor bastard.

  56. Artist formerly known as Ben
    December 20th, 2012 at 10:41 am [Reply]

    What will a cake design training montage look like anyway? I picture Mary swearing like a drill sergeant, the strains of “Gonna Fly Now”, and lots of butter frosting.

  57. Dennis Jimenez
    December 20th, 2012 at 10:43 am [Reply]

    MW – Well, if that doesn’t take the cake! Who are that grim black trio that John Waters has on his shoulder? I’m skert, Mary….

  58. Downpuppy
    December 20th, 2012 at 10:44 am [Reply]

    @Artist formerly known as Ben (#55): Shoe: Cosmo’s restaurant review starts off by bitching about the cost of drinking the taste of the food out of your mouth, which gives us some insight into the average Treetops Tattler reader.

    They’re just like me!

  59. Artist formerly known as Ben
    December 20th, 2012 at 10:45 am [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#46): Oh dear. Charlie Brown’s been through so much already. Now he’s got early decapitation to worry about.

  60. Artist formerly known as Ben
    December 20th, 2012 at 10:47 am [Reply]

    @Downpuppy (#58): Hey, I’ve nothing against John Barleycorn myself. But hell, something about how to find the place might be nice.

  61. hogenmogen
    December 20th, 2012 at 10:49 am [Reply]

    MW: Yesterday, noting the trend to fewer and fewer people admiring Dill’s pile of pink passion on the table each day, I wondered yesterday how Giella would depict negative persons today. Dark shadows standing far from the cake, whispering between themselves of things only walking corpses would know. Probably exchanging recipies on brains.

  62. Jocelyn Knockersbury
    December 20th, 2012 at 10:52 am [Reply]

    Better Half: The adorable cat is either noseless but with a cute little smile, or that “smile” IS the nose and his mouth has fallen off in shock after seeing his owner eat entire baked potatoes in one bite, right out of the bowl. Yeah, I wouldn’t want to eat either after that.

    GT: In the Thorpoverse, it makes total sense for Mia to look sly and sneaky while explaining that the little dead kid used to be lively and happy. So happy.

  63. hogenmogen
    December 20th, 2012 at 10:53 am [Reply]

    Id: I thought the first rule of the Fight Club was that you don’t discuss the Fight Club.

    But as for snowball fighting with yourself, when you’re a snowman, would that not entail ripping bits of yourself off and savagely impacting them back on to yourself? I’m not sure how Frosty managed to lose mass during this process.

    He can make friends with One-Arm-Jim from the last MW story line, though. Frosty, being cessile, will never visit the pier.

  64. Mikey
    December 20th, 2012 at 10:55 am [Reply]

    Jesus H Christ. What’s the over under on the times Dill-do mentions that he’s a retired hotel manager? Is that seriously going to play into the story? “Wow! He won the Santa Royale Cake Designorama by relying on his skills he learned as a hotel manager!!”

  65. FeralCanadian
    December 20th, 2012 at 10:56 am [Reply]

    Just as Otto repents for his crimes of kidnap and extortion, a flashbang rolls through the doorway. Before Mark can say “Sorry Rusty, maybe we can go fishing when I get back,” SEAL Team 6 has killed everyone on the island except Mark and Andy. “Damnit, whose going to filet and sear my bone fish now?” Mark asks in disgust.

  66. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    December 20th, 2012 at 10:56 am [Reply]

    MT/JP: Given the choice between a murderous, greedy kidnapper and a respected judge brought up by a loving and indulgent family, I probably wouldn’t have picked the latter as the one capable of the most dickish behavior.

    @Aphthakid (#4):

    MW: I can’t help but notice no one is eating this cake…

    Cake designer, not baker.

    @Chareth Cutestory (#6):

    Oh, by the way, I specialize in erotic cakes. Care to see my collection?

    “It’s cake—of a sort.”

  67. Chip Whittle
    December 20th, 2012 at 10:56 am [Reply]

    The current Spider-Man story is sad, unmistakably. However, much sadder is that Amazing Spider-Man writer Dan Slott reports receiving social-media death threats over the upcoming Amazing Spider-Man #700 in which maybe the 847th worst thing to happen to Peter Parker happens. (That link doesn’t spoil the comic, but there are links to spoilers from there and I make no promises about comment threads.) And, I mean, it’s the Spider-Man comic books, where every year they come out with the most ridiculous stuff ever imagined to screw up the Spider-Man universe and it still carries on intact.

  68. Aphthakid
    December 20th, 2012 at 10:57 am [Reply]

    @MaryLand (#43): But, what about the fourteen metric tons of cake underneath the fondant? Or are you saying it’s actually just a hollow fondant shell, possibly hiding something surprising like live birds or a small stripper? That’s it, isn’t it? No one is eating the cake because there is actually a tiny stripper in there who will pop out on Saturday.

  69. Liam
    December 20th, 2012 at 10:57 am [Reply]

    MW-I’m laughing already at the comically misunderstandings that can take place at a high stakes cake decorating contest. It’ll be like that time the bell hop was supposed to deliver a message to one room but delivered it to another room.

  70. Cetacean Love Buzz
    December 20th, 2012 at 10:58 am [Reply]

    @Artist formerly known as Ben (#56): The montage will also include: John Dill benching large slabs of fruitcake, doing jumping jacks with stale buccellati ringing his wrists and ankles, jogging 10 miles through waist-deep pink frosting, swimming laps in a pool of filled with sea foam icing, medicine ball training using year-old panettone, target shooting and quick-draw practice with frosting gun, frog cake dodging, etc…

  71. hogenmogen
    December 20th, 2012 at 11:00 am [Reply]

    Better Half: Jokes about not sharing the TV remote never get stale, right? Ha ha! Hey, the other night, my wife said “Give me the remote, I want to watch HGTV.” I said “No.” She said “You men and your remotes!” I said “No, we don’t get that channel on our network.” Ha ha! Then I handed her the remote, and she said it didn’t work. “That’s because I really handed you a smartphone. You just forwarded to your entire address book an email where I call you ‘Snookums’.” Ha ha! Yeah, ok, so like, people don’t like sharing the remote control. Get it?

  72. Cetacean Love Buzz
    December 20th, 2012 at 11:01 am [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#66):

    @Chareth Cutestory (#6):

    Oh, by the way, I specialize in erotic cakes. Care to see my collection?

    “It’s cake—of a sort.”

    What if children see it?

  73. bbofun
    December 20th, 2012 at 11:03 am [Reply]

    @Cetacean Love Buzz (#1): I’ve had colon monkeys. Doctor took me off bananas for two weeks.
    Speaking of colon monkeys-
    ASM- Ah, so the museum relies on Hollywood security technology, including visible lasers.

    Moe the chimp- you’re no Catherine Zeta-Jones.

    A3G- I’m interested in what will constitute “bad publicity” in the A3G-universe. In the real world (or whatever it is WE exist in) nothing short of pedophilia, cruelty to animals, homophobia, or murder would actually hurt the new James Bond’s career.

    Cranky- Hey, Dickshaft- most Xmas tree lots also sell wreaths, and occasionally other accouterments. So shut your trap.

    DT- OH MY GOD DICK TRACY IS GOING TO TAKE THE SPACE COUPE AND TAKE HONEYMOON TO THE MOON I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS THIS IS THE BEST CHRISTMAS EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    (ahem) Sorry.

    JP- What the hell is wrong with Judge, Jr.? No, really- Merry Christmas, folks! Your son is an ungrateful bastard who doesn’t want you at his wedding- but the bride’s father is welcome! Judge, Sr. really needs to take him into the study and beat- uh, talk- some sense into him.

    9CL- Well, no smiles. I guess that’s something.

  74. Roto13
    December 20th, 2012 at 11:05 am [Reply]

    “A retired hotel manager who designs cakes in his spare time? I can see them laughing now!” W…. what….? Does… does he think cake design is a way of life or something? Like if he hasn’t been shut away in a monastery somewhere, designing cakes since he was old enough to colour his own marzipan, it’s too late? Is that what his wife told him? Because it’d be hilarious if that’s what his dead wife told him.

  75. Perky Bird
    December 20th, 2012 at 11:06 am [Reply]

    If Mr. Dill is a former hotel manager, I hope he didn’t pick up his baking skills from the hotel cleaning staff. Oh, sure, his cake would have lovely, crisp corners and maybe even a tiny mint on the top, but the utensiles used to bake it would have been secretly dipped in the toilet while no one was looking.

  76. groddeck
    December 20th, 2012 at 11:06 am [Reply]

    I’ll second Arabella’s (#18) request for an explanation of BC.

  77. Liam
    December 20th, 2012 at 11:07 am [Reply]

    MW-A retired hotel manager who decorates cakes in his spare time what a good story this’ll make.

  78. Lenoxus
    December 20th, 2012 at 11:07 am [Reply]

    @hogenmogen (#63):

    But as for snowball fighting with yourself, when you’re a snowman, would that not entail ripping bits of yourself off and savagely impacting them back on to yourself? I’m not sure how Frosty managed to lose mass during this process.

    Before I read Josh’s commentary, my assumption had been that Frosty took snow from the ground and threw it at himself, and the effect was the same as if he’d thrown rocks at himself, dislodging snow from his body. Yes, that makes no sense, but I figured “snowball” was maybe a last-minute replacement for somethiing more deadly.

    But Josh’s more logical interpretation is almost the exact reverse – Frosty took snow from himself and threw it at someone else. Yes, Frosty said “with myself”, which is bad and confusing writing. I think the intended meaning is “I had a snowball fight with-myself-as-ammunition”. Kind of like the difference between “writing with my own blood” and “writing with my co-author.” Same word “with”, but significantly different meaning, one which gets confusing when it comes to snow-people. This was much better dealt with by (as usual) Calvin and Hobbes and their philosophical snowmen.

    This was my initial understandin

  79. hogenmogen
    December 20th, 2012 at 11:08 am [Reply]

    @Aphthakid (#68): Strippers on RMMD can rock the beach. A stripper in Mary Worth’s Universe is a middle-age blonde fully covered in a loose purple sans-a-belt pants suit and canvas docksiders. Woo.

  80. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    December 20th, 2012 at 11:09 am [Reply]

    @Artist formerly known as Ben (#56): Re: Cake Training Montage

    At first, we would have shots of horrible, burned cakes coming out of the oven. Misshapen lumps of frosting. Cut-aways to John running to the store while dragging a sled, with Mary riding on it and shouting the grocery list – “Eggs! Flour! Milk! Frosting! Don’t forget the fucking frosting this time!”.

    The cakes coming out of the oven would start to look better. The size of the pile of groceries on the sled would grow. Finally, a layer cake would be built, held up by greek columns between the layers.

    For the montage sound track, I suggest “The Distance” by – you guessed it – Cake.

  81. Lenoxus
    December 20th, 2012 at 11:10 am [Reply]

    Oops, ignore the last line, a relic of an earlier draft. Writing on an iPad with my own blood is hard.

  82. hogenmogen
    December 20th, 2012 at 11:14 am [Reply]

    Reading the Spiderman plot has taught me that every comic would be greatly improved with more monkeys.

  83. Right Venerable Pasdordan
    December 20th, 2012 at 11:14 am [Reply]

    The Amazing Spider-Man: Rumor has it that this strip is going to become a bust-out like Snuffy Smith: theamazingspiderman and MOE THE CHIMP. I am more okay with this than you want to know.

    Apt. 3-G: You know what makes getting up in the morning worthwhile? No, not gainful employment. Scheming Machiavellian Publicity-Aunts, that’s what. I for one welcome the benevolent dictatorship of Scheming Machiavellian Publicity-Aunt Cathy.

    Blondie: Assuming each donut has about 800 calories, Dagwood is intending to wolf down 9600 big ones before lunch. By my calculations, that’s between 3 and 5 days’ worth of the recommended nutritional intake for the average man, or death by coronary – by which I mean sweet relief for the reader of this pathetic strip – in about two weeks. Would you like a side order of Bavarian creme with that?

    Calvin and Hobbes: I’ll have to consider the theology of that last panel, but I’m inclined to say Calvin’s correct. Also, Pissed Santa is AWESOME.

    9 Chickweed Lane: This is a “Hoochie Mama” under the mistletoe. You can tell because she’s wearing red, because that’s never been done before. Come to think of it, the fire extinguisher gag is brand new too. How much TCM do you watch, Mr. McEldowney?

    Dick Tracy: Boy, they sure do go to lengths for the Honey Boo-Boo tryouts, don’t they?

    Judge Parker: Can eunuchs get married? I feel like this will be a relevant question soon.

    Mark Trail: Ho ho ho, I sure hope you’re sincere, Otto. Otherwise, that stump of yours is going to start looking mighty sexy right about now. Yessir. Mighty sexy…

    Mary Worth: Actual subject line from my inbox this morning: “Goats are awesome!” I think Mr. Dill got the same email.

    //Mary Worth is much funnier if you imagine that the hands are worked by crews separate from the ones operating the life-like main puppets, sort of like the Swedish Chef: “Bork bork bork gotekakken, skibba de thoughtful looken!”[*]

    Rex Morgan, M.D.: Oh boy, oh boy!! A jealous love triangle involving Honey, June, and the oak stump playing Rex! Maybe they’ll do the separate-hands-and-puppets thing!

  84. Cetacean Love Buzz
    December 20th, 2012 at 11:16 am [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#80):

    Don’t forget the fucking frosting this time!”

    Oh no no no. No way in hell John Dill, Avocational Cake Designer, is going to use store-bought frosting and have a shot at winning this thing. It’s Crisco, margarine, and 100% pure refined sugar all the way. (Blend until smooth. Add cornstarch to the mix (or powdered sugar containing cornstarch) for firmer frosting. Color as needed.)

  85. Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol
    December 20th, 2012 at 11:23 am [Reply]

    @Mikey (#64): Ya know… it has never been mentioned “what” hotel he was the manager of. Everybody here has been assuming that it was the Santa Royal Ritz-Carlton. For all we know (and seems to be even more likely), ol’ John here was the night manager of the Santa Royal Motel-6.

  86. Baka Gaijin
    December 20th, 2012 at 11:25 am [Reply]

    Does anyone know where I can get a gross of ice picks cheap? This Mary Worth storyline portends the need for self-inflicted cranial acupuncture to forget that tripe. Many times.

    Wait, what? There was a cake decorating craze on TV? I thought the commenters yesterthread were being facetious. Really? Has American television so many hours of programming time to film that cake decorating is worthwhile content? What’s next? A reality show about extreme couponers?

  87. Dennis Jimenez
    December 20th, 2012 at 11:25 am [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#66): Well, it’s cake-ish….

  88. tegrat
    December 20th, 2012 at 11:25 am [Reply]

    MW: Be sure to enter the DOWNTOWN Santa Royale Cake Design Competition, Chez Wannabee, because, yeah, they would probably laugh at you at the UPTOWN meet. I know – I live in Santa Royale. It’s a tough, heartless town that has destroyed the lives of countless budding pastry chefs.

  89. hogenmogen
    December 20th, 2012 at 11:25 am [Reply]

    A3G: Aunt Cathy is going to get Greg more press coverage for free than Margo does while being paid for it.

  90. Liam
    December 20th, 2012 at 11:26 am [Reply]

    MW-Dill sure can benefit from Mary’s help. Everyone just raves about her all white pie.

  91. Hibbleton
    December 20th, 2012 at 11:27 am [Reply]

    JP: “You really don’t get the whole ‘evil step mom’ thing, do you? I hate you!!!”

  92. Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol
    December 20th, 2012 at 11:27 am [Reply]

    @Roto13 (#74): I know a young lady who put herself through nursing school doing cake design. She has been known to put the local wedding-cake purveyor to shame.

    Its amazing what you can do with a Duncan-Hines box and some frosting… .

  93. Cetacean Love Buzz
    December 20th, 2012 at 11:27 am [Reply]

    @Roto13 (#74):

    Like if he hasn’t been shut away in a monastery somewhere…

    Some folks will tell you that Tai Chi’s various movements with names like “Sea-Bottom Needle,” “Repulse the Monkey,” or “White Crane Spreads Its Wings” are really brutally efficient spine-shattering, throat-crushing martial arts moves. In reality, they are brutally efficient cake-making techniques. “Cloud Hands,” for instance, will get you pineapple upside-down cake without having to turn it upside-down.

  94. hogenmogen
    December 20th, 2012 at 11:31 am [Reply]

    MW: Is this going to be like all those lame tv and lame movie competitions? Those where one obscure sport or hobby is blown up to be like the biggest thing in town for a day. I can’t imagine thousands of spectators flooding the Downtown Santa Royale Convention Center to see a cake competition, yet, invariably, that’s the way it will present.

  95. Brock Sampson
    December 20th, 2012 at 11:31 am [Reply]

    @groddeck (#76): I read it as Rudolph gave Santa a copy of P90X (a popular home video exercise program) with a card to make it look like it came from Dasher, i.e. Santa thinks Dasher called him a lardass.

  96. Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol
    December 20th, 2012 at 11:33 am [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#86): Amazon, $1.69 each. Shipping discounts available for quantity (I’m assuming that a gross is enough for the discount).

  97. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    December 20th, 2012 at 11:33 am [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#80):

    If we are lucky, Cake will record a special version of The Distance just for the training montage!

    Reluctantly crouched at the starting line,
    Ovens preheating for baking time.
    The green light flashes, the flags go up.
    Churning and mixing, they yearn for the cup.
    They deftly maneuver and layer their cakes,
    Ingredients at the ready, there can be no mistakes.
    Reckless and wild, they pour out the batter.
    Their prowess is potent, there’s no need to chatter.
    As they speed through the finish, judges’ forks go down.
    The fans get up and they get out of town.
    The kitchen is empty except for one man,
    Still baking and caking as well as he can.
    The sun has gone down and the moon has come up,
    And long ago somebody left with the measuring cup.
    But he’s mixing and frosting and working the churns.
    And thinking of someone for whom he.still.burns.
    He’s going the distance.
    He’s going for speed.
    She’s all alone
    In her time of need.

    No trophy, no roses, no pool party, no wine,
    He’s haunted by something he cannot define.
    Bowel-shaking earthquakes of doubting his Worth,
    Assail him, impale him with meddle-grade force.
    In his mind, he’s still working, still managing his hotel.
    Mary’s sure in time it will still turn out well.
    Cause he’s baking and caking and staying the course,
    He’s decorating the top with a miniature of a horse.
    The sun has gone down and the moon has come up,
    And long ago somebody left with the cup.
    But he’s measuring and leveling and beating the eggs.
    And thinking of someone with support hose on her legs.
    Cause he’s going the distance….

  98. The Silent Penultimate Panel
    December 20th, 2012 at 11:33 am [Reply]

    Geez, it’s like Mary Worth is just begging to be made fun of here! If the strip really wanted to avoid ridicule, I think their plot lines would need to start focusing on things that we, as users of a visual medium, couldn’t judge. “Why Mr. Dill, your singing voice is absolutely enchanting! Why don’t you enter the next Santa Royale Idol competition downtown?” I mean, I’m fairly confident the strip’s artist could manage to draw little eight notes next to lyrics in the word balloons, but he’s long since demonstrated that his foodstuff palette is limited to “bland” and “pink.”

  99. Patrick
    December 20th, 2012 at 11:34 am [Reply]

    Better Half: I just noticed that the wife doesn’t look angry or annoyed about this at all. It’s almost like she’s saying “Hey, you should be less emotionally distant to me and stop watching too much television, but you don’t have to or anything. Just throwing that out there. Oh, and can you pick up the dry cleaning tomorrow?”

  100. seismic-2
    December 20th, 2012 at 11:34 am [Reply]

    JP: Now we see how Alan and Katherine can attend the wedding – all they have to do is go to Acapulco and have Alan replace the current judge there, so now he will officiate at the ceremony! There’s no problem with citizenship or other legal technicalities, either, since we all know that the Mexican legal system consists of Lucha Libre wrestling. Alan is a shoe-in to pin the incumbent Mexican judge, with his dynamite fall-off-a-building move.

  101. lynn
    December 20th, 2012 at 11:37 am [Reply]

    @Big Bad Dave (#19): The cake IS being eaten. It’s eight feet tall and some of it is under the table; kind of like a push-up pop (or, for pastordan, those fake spring-loaded church candles).

  102. Calico
    December 20th, 2012 at 11:38 am [Reply]

    @Aphthakid (#4):
    As I mentioned, it’s salmon cake with Anise frosting! Two great flavors together at last!

  103. lynn
    December 20th, 2012 at 11:38 am [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#97): I don’t think that I can take it, ’cause it took so long to bake it, and I’ll never have that recipe again. Oh nooooo!

  104. commodorejohn
    December 20th, 2012 at 11:38 am [Reply]

    If this Mary Worth storyline doesn’t feature a Rocky-style cake-decorating training montage, I’m going to start a class-action lawsuit.

  105. lynn
    December 20th, 2012 at 11:38 am [Reply]

    Phantom: We are so much needing bats:[ right now.

  106. lynn
    December 20th, 2012 at 11:40 am [Reply]

    Phantom: seriously, if the osculation francais begins, I’m outta here.

  107. hogenmogen
    December 20th, 2012 at 11:40 am [Reply]

    @Arabella (#18): BC:
    The gift is a P 90 X, the workout made famous by VP nominee Paul Ryan. The implication is that Santa has to go on a diet. Rudolph sent it with Donner’s name to make Santa pissed at Donner and Rudy would get to lead the sleigh. It takes knowledge of the P90X to get it, but there is an actual joke in there.

  108. Dartpaw86
    December 20th, 2012 at 11:42 am [Reply]

    You know, for a Medieval fantasy world. They sure know modern fashion. I remember reading a history book, peasants from Medieval ages all hip and swag with their backwards caps, bling and gangsta clothing.
    Though my history book only goes back to 2009. But it’s history so it must be an ancient trend!

  109. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    December 20th, 2012 at 11:43 am [Reply]

    @lynn (#103):
    We have to win this time, it is your best design yet – OH NO!!!

    Someone left the cake out in the rain!

  110. Calico
    December 20th, 2012 at 11:44 am [Reply]

    Take that, Mary!
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=239GSmRW9XY
    I’ve seen some sugar art on TV over the years that was so beautiful it almost brought tears to my eyes.
    (What was truly sad was seeing a couple of them crash into each other during setup and fall to bits like a million crystal swans)

  111. Liam
    December 20th, 2012 at 11:45 am [Reply]

    JP-”And there are going to be all these people at the ceremony except for the two of you.”

    Spiderman-It’s a good thing that Kraven sent Moe. Curly would have set the alarms off by now.

    Crankshaft-”And if you need to just move that body aside to make more room for the tree.”

    Gil Thorp-”He loved bright colors and interior decorating.”

    MT-Wait a minute. Mark is supposed to be on the island so why is he with Andy. Can Mark be in two places at the same time?

    Love Is-”That’s right you better give me my share. You don’t want to taste the back of my hand.”

  112. Nehemiah Scudder
    December 20th, 2012 at 11:49 am [Reply]

    @hogenmogen (#Y253):

    I thought that an infinite number of monkeys was hard at work trying to randomly string together the complete works of William Shakespeare.

    They banged out “Four score and seven years ago… ” but that’s not quite it. They once got “In the beginning, God floated above the waters… ” and that got scrapped. “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times… ” similarly got rejected by the high monkey counsel, but mostly because that monkey came off like he couldn’t make up his mind.

    “A screaming comes across the sky.” — But that was just one of the howler monkeys.

  113. lynn
    December 20th, 2012 at 11:49 am [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#109): Dave Barry rather famously described the high note in MacArthur Park as sounding like the singer was having a prostate exam from Captain Hook. I never hear the song without thinking of that.

  114. Downpuppy
    December 20th, 2012 at 11:49 am [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#109): I don’t think that I can take it.

  115. Liam
    December 20th, 2012 at 11:51 am [Reply]

    MW-If the simple residents of the apartment complex can be impressed by a giant pink cylinder imagine what the judges will think.

  116. MaryLand
    December 20th, 2012 at 11:54 am [Reply]

    @Aphthakid (#68):

    Oh there is cake there, it’s just likely dry or untasty.

    That’s my experience with fondant-robed cakes.

    Maybe it’s possible for someone to pull off moist cake under fondant–have not seen it yet but maybe –but fondant itself still tastes like Circus Peanuts candy to me.

    Sculpture that tastes good would be awesome, but usually you can pick awesome sculpture or great taste and neither the twain shall meet.

  117. Cetacean Love Buzz
    December 20th, 2012 at 11:55 am [Reply]

    @Liam (#111) re: S-M: I’m sure Spider-Pete will step up and set off the alarm, and when the police come, they’ll find him on the floor screaming “”WOOP! WOOP! WOOP!”
    and spinning in circles. (He ‘ll get away before they can arrest him, but the cops on the scene but the surveillance tape will have been posted to YouTube to the jeering malicious merriment of all, which will cause Peter to sulkily complain (in a thought balloon) that he’d rather have been arrested. (The comments from BroadwayRedhead69 are especially hurtful.))

  118. hogenmogen
    December 20th, 2012 at 11:58 am [Reply]

    JP: Let me diffuse this situation by digging myself in deeper.

    Randy is displaying terrible judgement for someone who is, by profession, a judge. Maybe he should switch careers to something where bad decision making is a bonus, like becoming a reality show contestant.

  119. Baka Gaijin
    December 20th, 2012 at 12:01 pm [Reply]

    @Aphthakid (#4): The cakes are judged on appearance, not edibility. Can you imagine the size of the buckets needed to hold the spew of anyone who ate that monstrosity?

    @Hibbleton (#35): Ha ha! Snare drum covered in pink frosting sounds like an I Love Lucy episode guest starring Tallulah Bankhead.

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#40): Groan!

    @Aphthakid (#68): The decorative fondant shell contains the remains of Mr. Dill’s former wife and all of his dignity.

  120. Calico
    December 20th, 2012 at 12:01 pm [Reply]

    @Liam (#115):
    Well, it looks like it’s burst into flames at the table – soon it will start spinning around and chanting “Redrum.” @MaryLand (#116):
    I agree. We ate a store-made “Buche de Noel” last winter, and the cake was actually pretty good – but the gum paste for decor was noxious. It’s like rolled-out spackle. I picked mine off.

  121. groddeck
    December 20th, 2012 at 12:02 pm [Reply]

    Brock Sampson and hogenmogen – Thanks for that. If I had known of P90X I wouldn’t have wasted all the time I spent trying to figure out why anyone would spell “Pop Rocks” that way (which seemed as likely as any other joke in BC).

  122. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    December 20th, 2012 at 12:02 pm [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#97): Excellent!

    JP: By the end of this conversation, Randy is going to look like he started a snowball fight with himself.

  123. Aphthakid
    December 20th, 2012 at 12:04 pm [Reply]

    @hogenmogen (#79): Awwww, yeah.

  124. lynn
    December 20th, 2012 at 12:04 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#119): “The decorative fondant shell contains the remains of Mr. Dill’s former wife and all of his dignity.” – others have said it, but you have said it best.

  125. astroboy
    December 20th, 2012 at 12:04 pm [Reply]

    Stanley is pointing the remote at Mrs. Betterhalf’s single, pointy bellybreast in the desperate hope of changing it into a pair of high-n-perkies. Keep pressing those buttons, Stanley!

  126. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    December 20th, 2012 at 12:05 pm [Reply]

    omg!

    folks, check out the google doodle if you haven’t already. it’s the full story!

  127. Calico
    December 20th, 2012 at 12:10 pm [Reply]

    Beetle – Sarge, that juice is just what you need for fellatio practice!
    As Josh intimated earlier, it’s an art form, sorta.

  128. giraffe-o
    December 20th, 2012 at 12:13 pm [Reply]

    MW – Isn’t there some Christmas meddling that Mary could be up to?

  129. Baka Gaijin
    December 20th, 2012 at 12:14 pm [Reply]

    @bbofun (#73) on Dick Tracy: Don’t hold back. You seem a little reserved there.

    @Perky Bird (#75): Ha ha ha.

    @Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol (#96): Very good price. Thanks.

    @Calico (#120): All the cakes around here are covered in fondant. Bleah.

  130. Aphthakid
    December 20th, 2012 at 12:21 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#119): Yeah, but this isn’t a cake competition, it’s a pool party. So, to recap, he brought an inedible cake to a pool party in a desperate plea for attention… and it worked!

  131. LurkerMan
    December 20th, 2012 at 12:22 pm [Reply]

    Mary Worth is like the unholy grail of stale pop culture, boring problems, and meddling biddies.

  132. debussy fields
    December 20th, 2012 at 12:23 pm [Reply]

    MW– Holy shit, what a plot! Will they ever be able to top this with something even more far-fetched and improbable? Hmmm. How about a guy even older than this one who embroiders inspirational messages on ladies’ panties, but he’s suffering from writer’s block so Mary helps him out with some good ones from Camus, Goethe, and others from her personal collection…

  133. Dood
    December 20th, 2012 at 12:26 pm [Reply]

    Mary Worth: Seriously, how is Mary going to help? Is she going to leap out of the cake and serve platitudes for the multitudes?

  134. Dood
    December 20th, 2012 at 12:29 pm [Reply]

    Mary Worth: Where the hell’s Wilbur Weston? This cake plots needs more mayo!

  135. Baka Gaijin
    December 20th, 2012 at 12:30 pm [Reply]

    @lynn (#124): Oh I blush! Thanks.

    @astroboy (#125): For some reason I found your comment hilarious. “Pair of high-and-perkies” did it.

    @Calico (#127): Damn! I wanted to say that. I read the comic too early this morning to remember.

    @LurkerMan (#131): Initially I read “stale poop culture…”

  136. Poteet
    December 20th, 2012 at 12:32 pm [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#45): Amazing. There must be some rule that if it exists, there is a Christmas version of it.

  137. Baka Gaijin
    December 20th, 2012 at 12:33 pm [Reply]

    Marvin’s outburst is the verbal equivalent of what happens in his diaper throughout the day.

    // The nice way to say Marvin has verbal explosive diarrhea.

    Beetle brings the “sour juice” to the barracks so he and Sarge can have fun with the glory hole. Lots and lots of dirty nasty sweaty fun.

  138. Shrug, Topping Off a Bad Joke
    December 20th, 2012 at 12:34 pm [Reply]

    @lynn (#y170):

    ” (Don’t let Scudder fool you. IRL he’s some redneck sitting in his shotgun house in a trucker cap.)”

    Clearly Scudder has either (a) a very small shotgun house or (b) a very large cap.

  139. Cetacean Love Buzz
    December 20th, 2012 at 12:34 pm [Reply]

    @Dood (#134): Wilbur’s inside the cake. Or rather, his head is. Seven deadly sins. Seven ways to die.

  140. lynn
    December 20th, 2012 at 12:42 pm [Reply]

    Luann: Ah, Shannon has entered the hyperpahgic stage of Prader-Willi Syndrome. Incest, not always a good thing. (Einstein said that. Or maybe it was King Tut.)

  141. Poteet
    December 20th, 2012 at 12:43 pm [Reply]

    @MaryLand (#116): Ah, memories. You are reminding me of the time many years ago when I discovered what marzipan tastes like, when I was in Strasbourg at Christmastime and bought some beautiful marzipan Christmas candy at the local market. Lovely to look at, delightful to view, but I say don’t eat it for it tastes like poo.

  142. Cetacean Love Buzz
    December 20th, 2012 at 12:45 pm [Reply]

    @lynn (#140): I think it was Jerry Lee Lewis who said it. (What else could “Great Balls of Fire” be about?)

  143. lynn
    December 20th, 2012 at 12:47 pm [Reply]

    @Cetacean Love Buzz (#142): Whoa. Your concept shook my nerves and it rattled my brain.

  144. lynn
    December 20th, 2012 at 12:47 pm [Reply]

    @Poteet (#141): I know! There are people who like marzipan! Not an edible substance, in my book. It’s *supposed* to be almond paste.

  145. lynn
    December 20th, 2012 at 12:51 pm [Reply]

    @Shrug, Topping Off a Bad Joke (#138): Well it has to be big enough to fit on his big head.

  146. Cetacean Love Buzz
    December 20th, 2012 at 12:52 pm [Reply]

    @lynn (#143): I broke your will. Oh what a thrill!

  147. Poteet
    December 20th, 2012 at 12:53 pm [Reply]

    @lynn (#144): You and I must have similar taste buds, and so does the rest of my family. I mailed some of that candy to the U.S. as part of a Christmas package for my family because it looked so pretty. My sister wrote back that the non-marzipan edibles went over very well, but that my younger brother tried the marzipan “and ran to the bathroom gagging like the rest of us wanted to do after we tried it.” Or pretty close to that.

  148. lynn
    December 20th, 2012 at 12:58 pm [Reply]

    @Poteet (#147): Toblerone is marzipan filling, isn’t it? I never tried it for that very reason. I don’t think the Germans actually eat the marzipan statue-type candies. Grew up in a town near an army base and a lot of my friends had German moms. I remember the first time I saw a geldscheisser. Did you send one of those home?

  149. Cetacean Love Buzz
    December 20th, 2012 at 12:58 pm [Reply]

    @lynn (#144): I LOVE the taste of Marzipan, but please don’t tell Homestar.

  150. lynn
    December 20th, 2012 at 1:00 pm [Reply]

    @Cetacean Love Buzz (#146): Oh, please don’t remind me of Mr. Scudder. I just went to confession last night. I’m a good girl from now on.

  151. Hibbleton
    December 20th, 2012 at 1:01 pm [Reply]

    Marm: How cute. Big dog’s latest steaming pile is in the shape of a couch.

    Rose is Rose is ..a snowman full of birdshit.

  152. Red Greenback
    December 20th, 2012 at 1:13 pm [Reply]

    “A retired hotel manager who designs cake in his spare time is easier to chain to a log.”
    -Albert “Rabbit” Camus

  153. Baka Gaijin
    December 20th, 2012 at 1:20 pm [Reply]

    @Poteet (#141): Is that the Strasbourg in France? The one I may or may not be going to for Christmas Day? If it’s infested with marzipan, I’ll avoid it like the famous harlequin institute in Toulouse.

    @lynn (#148): Geldscheisser. I’ve not seen one but knowing what little I know about the German language, I’m not so sure I want to.

    @Red Greenback (#152): Oh, that’s a good one!

  154. Snarkotix Addict
    December 20th, 2012 at 1:26 pm [Reply]

    MW – “I’ll help you! Come on, John, think big: How about a hotel made entirely of cake? You can manage that! I know you can!”

  155. lynn
    December 20th, 2012 at 1:29 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#153): It’s just a little folk-figure; it’s a good-luck charm and based on a fairy tale, I think. Safe to GIS if you wish. No c—ns involved.

  156. Shrug, A Whiz at This Art Stuff
    December 20th, 2012 at 1:36 pm [Reply]

    @Chareth Cutestory (#6):

    “Mary Worth: Oh, by the way, I specialize in erotic cakes. Care to see my collection? Perhaps step on a few with your bare feet?”

    Just “step on a few”? I think we can get much more kinky that that. . . .

    http://fineart.ac.uk/works.php?imageid=bt0005

    (Perhaps marginally NSFW)

  157. CanuckDownSouth
    December 20th, 2012 at 1:36 pm [Reply]

    @lynn (#148): no, Toblerone has nougat bits or something.

    Marzipan isn’t pure almond paste, it’s a particular sugared-up kind. I suppose if it’s sugared with some nasty syrup to make it more moldable (or cheap?), it would be nasty, but I’ve had a lot of very good marzipan – mostly in chocolate-covered log rolls, but also single pieces (in chocolate) from confectioneries, rolled-out layers put in cakes, and a very few shaped marzipan-only candies. One of the highlights of a pop over to Paris on a trip to London this summer was finding the (Tunisian?) bakery by St Michel again and getting one of their marzipan “oeil du bey” candies.

  158. tallyHO
    December 20th, 2012 at 1:37 pm [Reply]

    @hogenmogen (#107):

    This one, from one of the Six Chix, would be a better workout example.

    But, the joke is that the slimmed snowperson is made of the beverage. The B.C. allegation is that a snowman will drink booze. Then it takes it one step further in supposing that it is a self-loathing snowman that is into self-mutilation.

    Ho ho ho! Happy Holidays from Johnny Hart’s Ghost!

  159. Perky Bird
    December 20th, 2012 at 1:49 pm [Reply]

    @Cetacean Love Buzz (#93): “Sea-Bottom Nettle,” “Repulse the Monkey,” and “White Crane Spreads its Wings”?! Are we talking Tai Chi or Karma Sutra here?

  160. lynn
    December 20th, 2012 at 1:51 pm [Reply]

    @CanuckDownSouth (#157): Great, now I’m jonesing for candy and am stuck here in the office with nothing available.

  161. Cetacean Love Buzz
    December 20th, 2012 at 1:54 pm [Reply]

    @Perky Bird (#159): Or course, “White Crane” is Dr. Jeff’s pet name for Mary’s pubis.

  162. Calico
    December 20th, 2012 at 1:55 pm [Reply]

    @Cetacean Love Buzz (#149):
    I am one of those weirdos who actually likes a good fruitcake, hopefully lovingly created by Franciscan Monks. Yum.

  163. seismic-2
    December 20th, 2012 at 1:55 pm [Reply]

    @debussy fields (#132): To surpass the cake designing meddle, the strip will next introduce a new Charterstone resident whose hobby is putting gold bands inscribed with Bible verses on the legs of geese. Mary will persuade the neighbor to quit that silly hobby and instead put zinc bands inscribed with “Ask Wendy” diatribes on the legs of pigeons. That way the citizens of Santa Royale will get shat upon twice by each bird.

  164. Dale
    December 20th, 2012 at 1:55 pm [Reply]

    @Liam (#111):

    MARK TRAIL took Andy on the fishing excursion. Who paid for that part of the trip?

    Andy was in the small boat with Mark and Bill when they were captured. Big dog/small boat, not smart.

    Otto let Mark bring Andy with him. More questionable than outright stupid.

    Everything clear? It’s Mark Trail.

  165. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    December 20th, 2012 at 2:00 pm [Reply]

    @Poteet (#141): Mmm, I love marzipan! Now, papaya—that tastes like poo smells. (Poopaya?)

  166. lynn
    December 20th, 2012 at 2:06 pm [Reply]

    @Perky Bird (#159): Based on the base thoughts inspired by your post, now I have to get down on my knees again – wait, let me rephrase that…

  167. lynn
    December 20th, 2012 at 2:07 pm [Reply]

    @Calico (#162): Another fruitcake lover! I knew there was something about you that I liked! My mom made the best fruitcake. Fruitcake jokes actually hurt my feelings. I wish all the haters would just send their fruitcakes to me.

  168. Doctor Handsome
    December 20th, 2012 at 2:09 pm [Reply]

    I think whatever Frosty was doing is the snowman equivalent of autoerotic asphyxiation.

  169. Baka Gaijin
    December 20th, 2012 at 2:10 pm [Reply]

    @Cetacean Love Buzz (#161): Ewww. And so close to bedtime to read that.

    @lynn (#166): Heh heh heh.

    @lynn (#167): I like fruitcake too. It may be that I can’t get it here, making it a rare treat. Christmas pudding isn’t quite the same thing.

  170. Shrug, With a Whacky Comeback
    December 20th, 2012 at 2:14 pm [Reply]

    @lynn (#101):

    ” The cake IS being eaten. It’s eight feet tall and some of it is under the table; kind of like a push-up pop.”

    Release of the new Whack-a-Mole game — NOW with pink frosting on each mole!!!

  171. Shrug, Shattered Like a Crass Storyline
    December 20th, 2012 at 2:19 pm [Reply]

    @Calico (#110):

    “(What was truly sad was seeing a couple of them crash into each other during setup and fall to bits like a million crystal swans)”

    Tell little Michael of reFOOB to put them in a box by his bed tonight, and in the morning they will be whole again. “Christmas //coughDaddycough// magic!”

  172. Nehemiah Scudder
    December 20th, 2012 at 2:22 pm [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#37):Agnes: This just gets better and better, every day. A new Christmas story is born. Eat your heart out, Charles Dickens!

    Christmas Monkey Faced Squid. Heh. I’ll have what Tony’s having.

    Serious, this needs to be made into an animated Xmas TV special. Generations from now, families will gather around their holographic TVs and sing carols along with Windella the Monkey Faced Squid.

  173. Right Venerable Pasdordan
    December 20th, 2012 at 2:25 pm [Reply]

    @lynn (#101): I hate those goddamn things, but not more than I hate the fake ones that fill up with oil.

    Cakes, on the other hand, are just fine with Jesus.

  174. Shrug, With a Small ReJoinder (Seven More to Go and I'll Have Eight Tiny Rejoinders)
    December 20th, 2012 at 2:32 pm [Reply]

    @lynn (#144):

    “It’s *supposed* to be almond paste.”

    If I drop my almonds and they break, I just eat ‘em anyway. Who has the time to send to Stasbourg to order some marzipan and then carefully paste the almonds back together? Maybe John in reFOOB, but not I.

    /// However, if I drop my library and it breaks I do get out the library paste.

  175. Right Venerable Pasdordan
    December 20th, 2012 at 2:33 pm [Reply]

    @lynn (#150): “I’m a good girl now.” Well, that means you won’t be appearing in 9CL or Pibgorn anytime soon, then.

  176. Nehemiah Scudder
    December 20th, 2012 at 2:36 pm [Reply]

    Shoe: Do they have Chateau Thames Embankment?

    Bizarro: Casual dinner date conversation:
    “Do you know the Heimlich Manuever?”
    “They say salmonella is not always fatal.”
    “A health department rating of 80 means four out five meals are ok, right?”
    “That which doesn’t kill us makes us stronger; that which makes us very sick, helps us lose weight.”
    “It’s better to have the dessert first.”
    “I know, I know, but I had to use the Groupon.”
    “So. It has come to this.”
    “The bartender said they are out of mojitos.”

  177. Cetacean Love Buzz
    December 20th, 2012 at 2:37 pm [Reply]

    @Right Venerable Pasdordan (#175): But she will be in reFOOB where she’ll be excoriated for only being “a good girl now” and not before.

  178. Baka Gaijin
    December 20th, 2012 at 2:40 pm [Reply]

    @Right Venerable Pasdordan (#173): Again, things have changed since I left America: fake spring-loaded church candles?

    @Shrug, With a Small ReJoinder (Seven More to Go and I’ll Have Eight Tiny Rejoinders) (#174): ALMOND paste? Marzipan is an almond-based product? Based on the taste and texture, I’d guessed it was a Play-Doh derivative.

  179. lynn
    December 20th, 2012 at 2:44 pm [Reply]

    @Right Venerable Pasdordan (#175): If you would see what I look like, you’d thank God for that, Padre.

  180. lynn
    December 20th, 2012 at 2:45 pm [Reply]

  181. lynn
    December 20th, 2012 at 2:46 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#178): It’s HYSTERICAL when the springs go haywire and shoot the flaming candles across the altar, no kidding!
    //used to be a sacristan

  182. lynn
    December 20th, 2012 at 2:47 pm [Reply]

    @Shrug, With a Small ReJoinder (Seven More to Go and I’ll Have Eight Tiny Rejoinders) (#174): I took a bracelet to a jeweler for repair last week and he told me the gemstones were ‘paste’. I felt like a character in a Guy de Maupassant story.

  183. lynn
    December 20th, 2012 at 2:48 pm [Reply]

    @lynn (#182): I ate paste as a child.
    //Explains a lot, doesn’t it.

  184. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    December 20th, 2012 at 2:48 pm [Reply]

    @lynn (#179): *crosses ‘gaping shark-mouthed grin’ off of mental picture*

  185. Right Venerable Pasdordan
    December 20th, 2012 at 2:50 pm [Reply]

    So, okay, Suzy Favor Hamilton has admitted to working as an escort in the past few years. I mention this not to judge (among other things, she looks a hell of a lot better at 44 than I do), but for the simple reason than I’m curious to know what comic strip a SFH-based storyline would be most hilarious in.

    And by “curious,” I really mean, “I demand to hear your answers.” I’m going to say she could really rock Fred Basset’s world.

  186. Right Venerable Pasdordan
    December 20th, 2012 at 2:52 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#178): There are some candle sets that give you a plastic tube with a spring-loaded bottom panel, into which you place a candle. That way, they come up evenly as they burn.

    That’s their story, and they’re sticking to it.

  187. Right Venerable Pasdordan
    December 20th, 2012 at 2:53 pm [Reply]

    @lynn (#179): Given what McEldowney’s female characters look like, I wouldn’t assume that.

  188. commodorejohn
    December 20th, 2012 at 2:55 pm [Reply]

  189. lynn
    December 20th, 2012 at 3:00 pm [Reply]

    @commodorejohn (#188): You beat me to it! Ok, how about Dennis the Menace? Henry, Mr. Wilson…

  190. lynn
    December 20th, 2012 at 3:01 pm [Reply]

    @Right Venerable Pasdordan (#187): My picture is at the very end of the bibliography section of my website (nobody ever looks at the bibliography). You be the judge. Or maybe you should just take my word for it.

  191. commodorejohn
    December 20th, 2012 at 3:03 pm [Reply]

    @lynn (#190): Is your mouth a gaping shark maw with a throat that tunnels directly into the bowels of Hell? No? Then you’re a step up in any case.

  192. lynn
    December 20th, 2012 at 3:04 pm [Reply]

    @Right Venerable Pasdordan (#185): Edge City. I don’t think Len and Abby’s marriage is going so well right now.

  193. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    December 20th, 2012 at 3:04 pm [Reply]

    @lynn (#190): *crosses ‘Rule 63 Thorax’ off of mental image*

  194. Arabella
    December 20th, 2012 at 3:04 pm [Reply]

    @Brock Sampson (#95): @hogenmogen (#107): Thank you for the explanation; I knew the folks here wouldn’t let me down. It would have helped if I had known about the P90X. ~pretending not to need exercise videos~

  195. lynn
    December 20th, 2012 at 3:04 pm [Reply]

    @commodorejohn (#191): This is the nicest compliment I’ve ever gotten. *sigh* Life is brutal.

  196. Chaze126
    December 20th, 2012 at 3:05 pm [Reply]

    Judge Parker has turned into a laff-riot a la Igmar Bergman’s “Seventh Seal” and Woody Allen’s “interiors.” Next up? A fun filled game of chess with Death, himself. I love angst-ridden WASPs.

  197. lynn
    December 20th, 2012 at 3:06 pm [Reply]

    @Right Venerable Pasdordan (#185): I think she looks somewhat like Nelson’s mother in Pickles.

  198. lynn
    December 20th, 2012 at 3:07 pm [Reply]

    @Right Venerable Pasdordan (#185): With a little face veil she could slink right into Crock.
    //maybe I should get back to work?

  199. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    December 20th, 2012 at 3:08 pm [Reply]

    @Chaze126 (#196): see current Sinfest for details.

  200. Baka Gaijin
    December 20th, 2012 at 3:09 pm [Reply]

    @lynn (#183): Which is better? Marzipan or paste? I’m betting on the paste.

    @lynn (#181): I’d go to that church week after week waiting to see the candle-comet.

    @Right Venerable Pasdordan (#186): How can anyone tell when it’s time to change the candle? Waiting for them to go out isn’t good resource planning.

  201. lynn
    December 20th, 2012 at 3:13 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#200): Paste, at least as it was when I was in first grade, was much better than marzipan.

  202. lynn
    December 20th, 2012 at 3:14 pm [Reply]

    @lynn (#201): Mucilage, on the other hand, tasted nasty.

  203. Chaze
    December 20th, 2012 at 3:17 pm [Reply]

    @lynn (#183):

    I ate paste AND sniffed model airplane glue. No wonder my art projects and model cars never got finished.

  204. Right Venerable Pasdordan
    December 20th, 2012 at 3:18 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#200): As Lynn says, if you let them get light enough, they’ll skitter out on your own. Otherwise, you just have to go up and check them periodically.

  205. lynn
    December 20th, 2012 at 3:19 pm [Reply]

    @Chaze (#203): Well, you picked the wrong week to stop.

  206. lynn
    December 20th, 2012 at 3:20 pm [Reply]

    @Right Venerable Pasdordan (#204): “you just have to go up and check them” – in a very gingerly fashion.

  207. Chaze
    December 20th, 2012 at 3:21 pm [Reply]

    You know, it’s very touching how Margo’s warmth and even-handed approach has won Greg’s loyalty. What’s that you say? She’s been a first class bitch to him?

    Yeeeesh….what a maroon.

  208. Indichik
    December 20th, 2012 at 3:22 pm [Reply]

    Pluggers are obese, gluttonous monsters who will cause bodily harm to themselves over the merest morsel of food.

    BTW, I’m aware that this is a rerun, but I didn’t comment on it the first time and I just couldn’t help myself. Wait, does that mean I’m a Plugger?

  209. Chaze
    December 20th, 2012 at 3:22 pm [Reply]

    @lynn (#205):

    ….and don’t call me Shirley.

  210. Nehemiah Scudder
    December 20th, 2012 at 3:23 pm [Reply]

    @hogenmogen (#63): Frosty, being cessile, will never visit the pier.

    Cessile, that’s a lovely old word. Are you sure it means what you think it means? “Of the air, yielding” is what Wictionary has, citing James Joyce, and someone from the 16th C., which is good enough for me. My various paper unabridgeds, including the OED, don’t have cessile, closest cognate being “cessible”, meaning simply “yielding”, but from the same Latin root, cedere, to cede.

    WAIT: You mean “sessile”, permanently attached. Drat you, sending me through six dictionaries, worried sick about Frosty and the pier, because of a minced oath homonym error.

    Pfui.

    // I’m going back to my double-wide, putting on my gigantic trucker cap, and seeing if there’s anything about NASCAR on the TV.

  211. Right Venerable Pasdordan
    December 20th, 2012 at 3:23 pm [Reply]

  212. Right Venerable Pasdordan
    December 20th, 2012 at 3:25 pm [Reply]

    @lynn (#206): Hey, you think those oil-filled ones are any better? That shit stains everything, and it’s flammable too!

  213. lynn
    December 20th, 2012 at 3:28 pm [Reply]

    @Right Venerable Pasdordan (#212): Just mind your bee’s wax, that’s all I’ma say.

  214. lynn
    December 20th, 2012 at 3:29 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#210): cessible. *sigh*

  215. Baka Gaijin
    December 20th, 2012 at 3:29 pm [Reply]

    @lynn (#201): Bringing this digression back to the comics: Which do you think would taste worse?
    1. Marzipan or salmon squares a la Mary?
    2. Marzipan or Montoni Pizza?
    3. Marzipan or Lost Forest pancakes?

    @Right Venerable Pasdordan (#204): Hmm. That seems harder than a quick look at the whole rack of candles to see the short ones. Progress.

    @Indichik (#208): Great. You’ve just spoiled 20% to 40% of Pluggers’ strips. Merry Christmas to me. [/sarcasm]

    @Right Venerable Pasdordan (#212): I’d go to a church where accidental self-immolation is a probability.

  216. Droopy Says
    December 20th, 2012 at 3:31 pm [Reply]

    WoI: Wizard: “Frosty, what happened?”
    .
    Frosty: “A peasant told his kids, ‘You need to learn why you don’t eat yellow snow. I’ll make some and each of you will take a bite.’”
    .
    Wizard: “You mean . . . ”
    .
    Frosty: “I was attacked by the Whizzer of Id.”

  217. Right Venerable Pasdordan
    December 20th, 2012 at 3:36 pm [Reply]

    @Droopy Says (#216): I will give this the highest compliment one can to a pun: Groan.

  218. Gloria Swanson, Ready for My Closeup
    December 20th, 2012 at 3:37 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#210): Frosty, being cessile, will never visit the pier.

    His name was B. DeMille, and he called himself Cessile, but everyone knew him as Frosty.

  219. lynn
    December 20th, 2012 at 3:38 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#215): Marzipan or the chili at that dive where Dagwood eats lunch? Marzipan or anything on the menu at Zonker’s McFriendly’s?

  220. Right Venerable Pasdordan
    December 20th, 2012 at 3:38 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#215): Self-immolation is always a possibility when I’m in the church. Oh, wait. You weren’t talking about my career, were you.

  221. lynn
    December 20th, 2012 at 3:39 pm [Reply]

    Marzipan or Effie Munyon’s Octopus Surprise? OK, maybe the marzipan.

  222. lynn
    December 20th, 2012 at 3:40 pm [Reply]

    Doesn’t anyone other than Pastor Dan want to think about hookers?

  223. Nehemiah Scudder
    December 20th, 2012 at 3:40 pm [Reply]

    MW: Mr. Dill doesn’t give himself enough credit. The finest hotels always have gourmet restaurants and superb food service. Naturally, any good hotel manager would be expected to know lots about catering and cookery. In a pinch, a topnotch manager should be able to substitute for any of the hotel employees, from lowliest housekeeper, to sous-chef. Haven’t you read Arthur Hailey’s Hotel? Haven’t you ever seen Fawlty Towers”?

  224. Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol
    December 20th, 2012 at 3:42 pm [Reply]

    @Calico (#162): me too. Nothing like a good 100 year old fruitcake.

  225. Chaze
    December 20th, 2012 at 3:43 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#223):
    Unfortunately Mr Dill’s only previous experience with cakes were the ones that strippers jumped out of down at Dilly’s Motor Lodge.

  226. Droopy Says
    December 20th, 2012 at 3:44 pm [Reply]

    @Gloria Swanson, Ready for My Closeup (#218): I thought he was scared someone would out him as the Seasick Serpent.

  227. Chaze
    December 20th, 2012 at 3:45 pm [Reply]

    @Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol (#224):

    I’m a 60 year old fruitcake. Can I get me some love?

  228. Right Venerable Pasdordan
    December 20th, 2012 at 3:55 pm [Reply]

    @lynn (#222): I know: you throw some meat out there, and nobody wants pick it up…

  229. lynn
    December 20th, 2012 at 3:56 pm [Reply]

    @Right Venerable Pasdordan (#228): That has certainly been my experience in life. *sigh*

  230. Der Schnärkïnätör mit Ümläüts!
    December 20th, 2012 at 4:01 pm [Reply]

    @Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol (#224):

    That fruitcake would make an excellent Curling rock!

  231. Shrug, Who Likes Mature Seasonings
    December 20th, 2012 at 4:02 pm [Reply]

    @Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol (#224):

    “Nothing like a good 100 year old fruitcake.”

    Hey!!! Leave the woman I love out of this!!!

    /// And she’s only 64, anyway!

  232. Ride Dem Haunches
    December 20th, 2012 at 4:03 pm [Reply]

    @lynn (#222): That there 600 dollar an hour hooker be skinny! Like sleeping with a bicycle.

  233. lynn
    December 20th, 2012 at 4:04 pm [Reply]

    @Chaze (#227): Do you live near NJ? Is your life such that any change would be a change for the better? Have you really stopped sniffing glue? Call me…
    //Can you conjugate Latin verbs?

  234. lynn
    December 20th, 2012 at 4:04 pm [Reply]

    @Ride Dem Haunches (#232): Have you done that often???

  235. Shrug, Who's Older Too
    December 20th, 2012 at 4:05 pm [Reply]

    @Shrug, Who Likes Mature Seasonings (#231):

    And no, before anyone asks, we never rent a cottage in the Isle of Wight.

    /// (It was much too dear.)

    ///// We probably could have, though, if we had scrimped and saved.

  236. Perky Bird
    December 20th, 2012 at 4:07 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#215): How about Mary’s salmon squares filled with marzipan?

  237. lynn
    December 20th, 2012 at 4:07 pm [Reply]

    @Shrug, Who Likes Mature Seasonings (#231): All the good ones are taken. Life is brutal.

  238. Right Venerable Pasdordan
    December 20th, 2012 at 4:07 pm [Reply]

    @Ride Dem Haunches (#232): I’d like to say nobody pays $600 an hour for a fat hooker, but you gotta know that ain’t true.

  239. Chaze
    December 20th, 2012 at 4:07 pm [Reply]

    @lynn (#233):
    1) Upstate NY, 2) Yes 3) Glue sniffing stopped with model car building – 1966
    4) I might be one of 100 people left on earth who took four years of high school Latin AND was an altar boy.

  240. Right Venerable Pasdordan
    December 20th, 2012 at 4:08 pm [Reply]

    Say, here’s a thought. If we all got together and sent $600 to Brooke McEldowney…

  241. Ride Dem Haunches
    December 20th, 2012 at 4:08 pm [Reply]

    @lynn (#234): All I say, is bicycles is cheaper!

  242. Uncle Lumpy
    December 20th, 2012 at 4:10 pm [Reply]

    @Chaze (#239):

    Together, we are the 2%!

    Ad Deum qui laetificat juventutem meam.

  243. Baka Gaijin
    December 20th, 2012 at 4:11 pm [Reply]

    @Right Venerable Pasdordan (#228): Oh if Dingo were here. He’d pick up your meat.

  244. Nehemiah Scudder
    December 20th, 2012 at 4:16 pm [Reply]

    @Chaze (#239): So where the minced oath were you yesterday when the fate of the universe was riding on the genitive plural of skunks?!

    // If you can’t count on a choir boy in times of crisis, we’ve come to a pretty pass.

  245. lynn
    December 20th, 2012 at 4:17 pm [Reply]

    @Right Venerable Pasdordan (#240): You want Brooke McEldowney for an hour? Ow -

  246. Right Venerable Pasdordan
    December 20th, 2012 at 4:17 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#243): I’m surprised Liam hasn’t picked up on it. He’s usually down for some good ol’-fashioned pervery.

  247. lynn
    December 20th, 2012 at 4:19 pm [Reply]

    @Uncle Lumpy (#242): I could giveth some joy to his declining years.

  248. Right Venerable Pasdordan
    December 20th, 2012 at 4:19 pm [Reply]

    @lynn (#245): Brain bleach, please.

  249. Nehemiah Scudder
    December 20th, 2012 at 4:19 pm [Reply]

    @Right Venerable Pasdordan (#238): Moderation in everything, Pastor. Can we compromise on a $300 pleasantly plump meretrix?

    // Is there a clerical discount?

  250. lynn
    December 20th, 2012 at 4:23 pm [Reply]

    @Chaze (#239): I’ve a fascination frantic with a ruin that’s romantic, and yes, I think I am sufficiently decayed.

  251. lynn
    December 20th, 2012 at 4:25 pm [Reply]

    You could get a couple of years of my time for 600 bucks. Helloooo, sailor!
    //do I sound desperate? I don’t sound desperate, do I?

  252. seismic-2
    December 20th, 2012 at 4:26 pm [Reply]

    @lynn (#222): OK, then – the $600 per hour escort should just have explained that she was raising money for her friend’s cancer treatment. Then all will be forgiven, she can stay in her apartment rent-free, and Internet-hero life-saving doctors will come adjust her shower head.

  253. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    December 20th, 2012 at 4:26 pm [Reply]

    @Right Venerable Pasdordan (#185): Oh, it would have to be a soap. Has Mary ever tried to meddle someone out of prostitution? (“Now, dear, do you really want to have relations with a gentleman who’s paying for them? And have some more of this pie; you’re skin and bones!”) Can SFH be the new Dixie Julep? (“She’s got a gun! Run! Oh my god—she’s too fast!”) Has Mark Trail ever gotten caught up in the illicit escort trade? (“Mark, we’ve heard that there’s beaver smuggling going on in the city. We would like you to travel out there.” “That would make a good story!”)

  254. demoncat
    December 20th, 2012 at 4:27 pm [Reply]

    mw you will be laughing to the bank by winning since Mary will rig the contest by calling in favors from the judges so he wins

  255. Right Venerable Pasdordan
    December 20th, 2012 at 4:29 pm [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#253): I love your last suggestion, but I’m afraid Cherry would veto that assignment. (“I can still smell the Cuban hoochie on you, and you want to what?)

    Also: Cherry. Huh huh.

  256. Alter Ego
    December 20th, 2012 at 4:39 pm [Reply]

    love is… letting her set her own price.

  257. Cetacean Love Buzz
    December 20th, 2012 at 4:50 pm [Reply]

  258. seismic-2
    December 20th, 2012 at 4:59 pm [Reply]

    @Right Venerable Pasdordan (#185): Suzy Favor Hamilton? No, Suzy Favor Grant. Six of them, for an hour. As for how this fits in with the funnies, maybe on their honeymoon Randy will learn that April isn’t really working for either the World Bank or the CIA on those trips to the various emirates, sheikdoms, and sultanates that she seems to visit with amazing frequency. And $600 an hour? Honey, it’s two enormous SUVs, and a life-time credit card for free gas.

  259. Peanut Gallery
    December 20th, 2012 at 5:01 pm [Reply]

    Josh on Wiz – You mock, but if this comic strip saves the life of just one snowperson, it will have been worth it.

    Also, Mountain Dew?? Oh Good Lord, we call that The Widowmaker!

  260. UncleJeff
    December 20th, 2012 at 5:07 pm [Reply]

    @hogenmogen (#94): Hey. I saw a crowd of about 5000 people show up to watch fish being weighed from a nearby fishing tournament. Anything is possible when you sell beer.

  261. Alison
    December 20th, 2012 at 5:08 pm [Reply]

    “Marvin”: Kid is excited about Christmas. Adult says it’s not Christmas yet. Kid is disappointed. That’s the punchline?! Oh boy, maybe tomorrow Marvin can say, “Can I have a cookie?” and his mom can say, “Not now,” and Marvin can say, “Drat.”

    “Better Half”: Never heard of this strip but those adult characters are hideous. Somehow though that lump of a cat is actually cute. Amazing.

    “Mary Worth”: Ugh, I’m having flashbacks now to the days when all the Food Network ever played were those “Food Network Challenge” specials that involved cakes 99% of the time. In the early days it was just people making theme cakes, which was kind of fun to watch, but then it kept getting more and more extreme until every cake had to spin around/light up/play music/all of the above. That was just silly. The cakes looked ugly too because there were always wires and batteries all over them. Anyhoo, it’s too bad for Mr. Dill he didn’t tell Mary about his hobby sooner. Maybe he could have gone on one of those shows, and baked a pony-themed cake that made neighing sounds when you flipped a switch.

  262. Peanut Gallery
    December 20th, 2012 at 5:11 pm [Reply]

    @Cetacean Love Buzz (#70): Hokey smoke! Why wasn’t I told about frog cakes sooner? Are they available in the U.S. of A.?

  263. Peanut Gallery
    December 20th, 2012 at 5:17 pm [Reply]

    @Poteet (#136): Rule 1226.

  264. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    December 20th, 2012 at 5:18 pm [Reply]

    #261 Alison: Or he could just go for the Godfather-themed birthday cake.

  265. Peanut Gallery
    December 20th, 2012 at 5:18 pm [Reply]

    @Peanut Gallery (#263): Oops. Um, Rule 1225 if you want to be a square and use the normal calendar.

  266. Cetacean Love Buzz
    December 20th, 2012 at 5:20 pm [Reply]

    @Peanut Gallery (#262): Not that I know of, but I did come across this place and that place on the internet. I hope you’re taking notes, John Dill!

  267. Peanut Gallery
    December 20th, 2012 at 5:27 pm [Reply]

    @lynn (#148), @CanuckDownSouth (#157): Toblerone is milk chocolate with a filling of nougat, almonds, and honey.

    I think I like marzipan, but I haven’t had it often enough to be sure. It gets a low priorty because it’s in the semi-pricey non-chocolate category.

  268. Peanut Gallery
    December 20th, 2012 at 5:30 pm [Reply]

    @Cetacean Love Buzz (#266): Thank you! I’ll take one of everything.

  269. Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol
    December 20th, 2012 at 5:32 pm [Reply]

    @Right Venerable Pasdordan (#240): I say splurge, send him $6000, and get Brooke the GFE. That’ll leave him speechless (our prime objective, right?).

  270. Peanut Gallery
    December 20th, 2012 at 5:40 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#176):
    “Waiter, there’s a fly in my soup.”
    “Don’t worry. That’s the last of the mosquitos.”

  271. Peanut Gallery
    December 20th, 2012 at 5:51 pm [Reply]

    @Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol (#224):

    Nothing like a good 100 year old fruitcake.

    Yes. It’s a shame Quentin Crisp only made it to 91.

  272. Peanut Gallery
    December 20th, 2012 at 5:53 pm [Reply]

    @lynn (#233):

    Can you conjugate Latin verbs?

    So, you’re hoping for a conjugal visit?

  273. Aviatrix
    December 20th, 2012 at 5:56 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#215): I’d go to a church where accidental self-immolation is a probability.

    That’s how to get NASCAR fans into the pews.

    (And hi to the folks who said hi. It’s really hard to reply cogently to a comment on an iPhone, so most of the time I just watch, hoping to see accidental self-immolation).

  274. Cetacean Love Buzz
    December 20th, 2012 at 6:00 pm [Reply]

    @Peanut Gallery (#272):

    @lynn (#233):

    Can you conjugate Latin verbs?

    So, you’re hoping for a conjugal visit?

    Hopefully, she won’t be declined.

  275. Right Venerable Pasdordan
    December 20th, 2012 at 6:17 pm [Reply]

    @Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol (#269):

    That’ll leave him speechless (our prime objective, right?).

    Correct.

  276. Nehemiah Scudder
    December 20th, 2012 at 6:28 pm [Reply]

    @Cetacean Love Buzz (#274):

    @lynn (#233):
    Can you conjugate Latin verbs?

    So, you’re hoping for a conjugal visit?

    Hopefully, she won’t be declined.

    That’s what Latinists call an ablative absolute.

  277. Cetacean Love Buzz
    December 20th, 2012 at 6:38 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#276): Reminds me of many a dati’ve gone on.

  278. Mr K Martin
    December 20th, 2012 at 6:41 pm [Reply]

    @Droopy Says (#216):

    Goodnight, everybody! Tip your waitress!

  279. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    December 20th, 2012 at 6:54 pm [Reply]

    3G – Greg’s not wearing a tie. His top button is open. He’s showing emotion on his face! Watch your step, Aunt Cathy! You’re playing with fi— with something hot— well, okay, you’re playing with something that’s above room temperature, fer corn sakes!

    Beetle – There was a sudden jump in The Force, as if thousands of snarking comic fans had fired up their copies of Photoshop at the same exact instant, and there was a spike in static electricity as if they had all rubbed their hands together simultaneously.

    Heathcliff – What we call Heathcliff is an alien entity, perhaps containing a number of smaller beings who navigate the “Heathcliff” unit like a ship. Partly obscured by vapor, the sight of the two little white eyes still has the power to shock us.

  280. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    December 20th, 2012 at 6:55 pm [Reply]

    Herb – Funny one, Linus. I mean, Uhuru.

    Bleachers – The ursinification of the comics page continues apace.

    love is… …willingly giving her a bill just to see where she puts it.

    R=R – How long before we find out everything in this strip takes place in the dying brain of a recnetly unplugged coma patient?

    Spider-Man – Here’s your chance, web-slinger! You can use your spider-powers to overpower a chimp. As long as you weren’t standing in front of the security cameras, all you have to do is get the tiara away from him, and you and MJ can retire to South America!

  281. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    December 20th, 2012 at 6:55 pm [Reply]

    @bbofun (#73): OH MY GOD DICK TRACY IS GOING TO TAKE THE SPACE COUPE AND TAKE HONEYMOON TO THE MOON
    Space coupe? Where we’re going we don’t need space coupes!

    @Right Venerable Pasdordan (#83): Can eunuchs get married?
    See: “love is…”

    @Gloria Swanson, Ready for My Closeup (#218): A chill ran down my spine, as if somebody was using the pun I’ve waited years to make about stationary facilities that grind out jewelry.

  282. Mr K Martin
    December 20th, 2012 at 6:56 pm [Reply]

    BITTER HALF: Cartoon history has taught us that a character only stares straight ahead at the audience/reader if he is fully aware of his pen and ink existence. Harriet and Stanley don’t do this, but their cat does.

    The cat, therefore, has every reason to look horrified, knowing that he has no privacy and that the next time he licks himself it may very well be in full view of millions of shocked newspaper readers.

    Then again, maybe he’s horrified because he knows what that stuff is in Stanley’s lap.

  283. Nehemiah Scudder
    December 20th, 2012 at 7:01 pm [Reply]

    Josh: …the cake decorating TV craze of four years ago.

    Pride is a sin, of course, and the worst form of pride is being proud of one’s ignorance.

    However, I cannot help feeling a little smug that, until today, I was utterly unaware of that particular craze. Perhaps it is not pride, but rather thankfulness that I was spared that knowledge.

  284. KreatureFeatures
    December 20th, 2012 at 7:03 pm [Reply]

    @Alison (#261): I’m willing to bet that your proposed dialogue for tomorrow’s Marvin is funnier and more compelling than the real thing.

  285. Vince M
    December 20th, 2012 at 7:05 pm [Reply]

    The Retrospace site has a bunch of old TV Guide ads for specials, one of which is “Love Is…Barbara Eden” which, judging by the picture, involves the comic strip. It features Robert Goulet and Tim Conway, and mercifully, I can’t find a clip on YouTube.

  286. Right Venerable Pasdordan
    December 20th, 2012 at 7:10 pm [Reply]

    Whoo-hoo! It’s official: I’ve survived my first semester of college teaching, and thank you all for helping me keep my sanity this fall. Now, to figure out a way to make a living wage while teaching…

  287. Right Venerable Pasdordan
    December 20th, 2012 at 7:11 pm [Reply]

    @Right Venerable Pasdordan (#286): And Scudder, don’t you dare tell me about the codicil specifying that this site bears no responsibility for my mental health. We all know there’s no sanity clause.

  288. Der Schnärkïnätör mit Ümläüts!
    December 20th, 2012 at 7:16 pm [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#280):

    “love is… …willingly giving her a bill just to see where she puts it.”

    And just from where do you suppose that wallet came from?

  289. Mr K Martin
    December 20th, 2012 at 7:31 pm [Reply]

    WIZARD: Frosty, you don’t look so good. What the heck happened?

    FROSTY: That cop who hollered “Stop” had me strip searched for blow.

  290. Droopy Says
    December 20th, 2012 at 7:35 pm [Reply]

    @Cetacean Love Buzz (#277): Some people find it vulgar, but I say there’s something classic about deponing upon Latin verbs.

  291. moss_moses
    December 20th, 2012 at 7:39 pm [Reply]

    Josh, you pointed out that the Dawn dumped episode lasted approximately seven months but the trouser trout episode in JP seemed to last just as long. I’d be curious to learn which episode was actually longer.

    Does anyone know the story of the young Katherine Parker? Are we supposed to accept that she is Randy’s biological mother and the same Katherine as the stern-faced, matronly, Cruela DeVille Katherine Parker drawn by the previous artist? I’ve been reading the strip for years and have no memory of JP divorcing the original Katherine and re-marrying the youung bimbo Katherine but there is no way how she is drawn that she could possibly be Judge Jr.’s bio-mom.

    Mark’s editor at Woods and Wildlife Magazine, Bill Ellis, seems ready to drop the ransom money off at the previously agreed upon location. However, Otto has already told Mark he won’t collect ransom money. Something does not compute. It is typical that Mark’s editor at Woods and Wildlife Magazine, Bill Ellis, did not even bother notifying law enforcement. The cops in LoFo are only good for eating donuts and making excuses. Mark Trail IS the law in Lost Forest.

  292. Red Greenback
    December 20th, 2012 at 7:39 pm [Reply]

    “Frosty! You don’t look so good. What the heck happened?”

    “A retired hotel manager designed me.”

  293. Zerowolf
    December 20th, 2012 at 8:10 pm [Reply]

    GT: And the role of Mia goes to Rick James because she’s super freaky.

  294. Uncle Lumpy
    December 20th, 2012 at 8:10 pm [Reply]

    @moss_moses (#291):

    I’d be curious to learn which episode was actually longer.

    Judge Parker, May 10 — “Avery Blackstone is coming here today!”

    Mary Worth, May 15 — “Oh God … no!”

    Judge Parker, by a nose.

  295. Sequitur
    December 20th, 2012 at 8:11 pm [Reply]

    Cake decorating? Spider-Man really takes the cake.

  296. Liam
    December 20th, 2012 at 8:15 pm [Reply]

    Better Half-The wife is just jealous because the husband can push the remote’s buttons better than he can push her button.

    Wizard of Id-”Frosty, what happened to you?” “Some cokeheads heard I was made of snow and tried to snort me.”

  297. This Guy
    December 20th, 2012 at 8:22 pm [Reply]

    <homestar>Hey Marzipan, did you know it’s almost Decemberween? Seriously. I hope my annoying hippie girlfriend doesn’t get me a hemp shirt again. Those things are itchy.</homestar>

    Archie: Veronica doesn’t use tools, huh? She uses Archie, doesn’t she?

    // And is either of these yahoos aware that “left-handed socket wrench” is a nonexistent tool stored next to the headlight fluid and the elbow grease?

    Baldo: I’m pretty sure conning mall Santas out of their cash is enough to get you on the naughty list in perpetuity.

    DinoCom: Oh, please. That’s a good point about the design relationship of the Ambassador and the Galaxy, but the refit Connie is where it’s at. And it’s the only one that bears any resemblance to Art Deco.

    Luann: Shouldn’t a kid Shannon’s age (6? 7?) be past the “endearing mispronunciation” stage? And have a sort of basic, intuitive understanding of countable vs. uncountable nouns? And not live in a poorly-thought-out universe stuffed to the gills with idiots and failure by a deficient creator?

    OBH: “I can’t put my arms down!” Hey, come to think of it, in Frazz, Randy Parker wouldn’t have looked out of place.

  298. greghousesgf
    December 20th, 2012 at 8:23 pm [Reply]

    @lynn (#144): I love marzipan!

  299. Mr K Martin
    December 20th, 2012 at 8:27 pm [Reply]

    WIZARD: Frosty, you don’t look so good. What the heck happened?

    FROSTY: I tried to pleasure myself with a snow blower.

  300. DaveyK
    December 20th, 2012 at 8:30 pm [Reply]

    How am I supposed to focus on the remote when Stanley has clearly cut a hole in the bottom of that bowl and his junk is peeking through?

  301. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    December 20th, 2012 at 8:43 pm [Reply]

    @Right Venerable Pasdordan (#286): Congratulations! And now you know one of the Secrets of Teaching: There are few better feelings in the world than clicking that “submit final grades” button.

  302. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    December 20th, 2012 at 8:52 pm [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#301): most of them involve corgis, or bulldog puppies.

  303. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    December 20th, 2012 at 8:54 pm [Reply]

  304. Right Venerable Pasdordan
    December 20th, 2012 at 9:02 pm [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#301): Ah, yes. “Submit Final Grades,” or as I like to think of it, “So long, suckers!”

    Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have some beer and chocolate to attend to…

  305. Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket
    December 20th, 2012 at 9:05 pm [Reply]

    @Right Venerable Pasdordan (#286): Now, to figure out a way to make a living wage while teaching…

    Heh. Good luck with that! ;)

  306. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    December 20th, 2012 at 9:07 pm [Reply]

    @Right Venerable Pasdordan (#304): Keep that reply in mind if/when your students email you to complain (or, ostensibly, proffer a query) about their final grades. (Mine normally don’t do so—one of the many advantages of being, apparently, intimidating.)

  307. Right Venerable Pasdordan
    December 20th, 2012 at 9:33 pm [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#306): I can do intimidating.

  308. Right Venerable Pasdordan
    December 20th, 2012 at 9:34 pm [Reply]

    @Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket (#305): At least adjuncts have time to read the comics…

  309. Baka Gaijin
    December 20th, 2012 at 9:34 pm [Reply]

    @Peanut Gallery (#267): For me marzipan gets a low priorty because it’s in the semi-pricey construction supply category, specifically contractor’s putty.

    @Aviatrix (#273): Ah, I see. I’d still attend The Church of Potential Inferno due to the lack of fire extinguishers in the sacristy. NASCAR has too many of those.

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#279) on Beetle Bailey: Heh heh heh.

    @Mr K Martin (#282): I could have gone through my entire life without pondering what was in Mr. Parker’s lap. Truly.

  310. Amos Snarkadder, Last of the Mudgitos
    December 20th, 2012 at 9:36 pm [Reply]

  311. Baka Gaijin
    December 20th, 2012 at 9:43 pm [Reply]

    @Right Venerable Pasdordan (#286): Congratulations. I hear writing a book will get you a large sum in the advance. Be sure to heroically fall off a building while saving your literary agent. The YouTube video will go viral and put your book on Amazon’s top 10 before you hit the airbag.

    @moss_moses (#291) on Mark Trail: You expect logic and continuity in Mark Trail? I’ll have what you’re smoking.

    @This Guy (#297) on Luann: Shannon should have had speech therapy long ago. Her, ahem, aunt won’t let her near any authorities for fear anyone find out her little “secret.”

  312. Peanut Gallery
    December 20th, 2012 at 9:47 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#309): Plastic Wood® always did have an intriguing smell.

  313. moss_moses
    December 20th, 2012 at 9:48 pm [Reply]

    294. Uncle Lumpy, I think the JP episode ended before the MW episode did, so I’m not sure that the Judge Parker episode was actually longer. In terms of which one was more inane, that’s a toss-up. But one thing you can say about both is that they warped the time space continuum where one day of JP or MW time can be several months of real time.

    btw: I’m impressed that you know the exact starting dates of the two episodes. Is there any chance you could explain the old Katherine Parker and the new young one who looks nothing like the original? Did JP remarry while I wasn’t paying attention? I can’t accept that she is Randy’s biological mother.

  314. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    December 20th, 2012 at 9:49 pm [Reply]

  315. diets that work fast for women
    December 20th, 2012 at 9:49 pm [Reply]

    Hello to every one, because I am actually keen of reading this website’s post to be updated on a regular basis. It contains fastidious data.

    [Stupid spam neutered and blacklisted]

  316. bats :[
    December 20th, 2012 at 9:51 pm [Reply]

    @lynn (#105): We just got home from Las Vegas, and I have to catch up at least with the serial comics (what? nothing exciting from Rex?). I will definitely check out The Phantom for you!

    And on the downside, no trace of Spidey on the Strip, although we did see Dora the Explorer, Bert and Ernie, and Elmo. And I got a new selection of ‘ho tradin’ cards, too!

  317. Peanut Gallery
    December 20th, 2012 at 9:51 pm [Reply]

    @diets that work fast for women (#315):

    It contains fastidious data.

    I’ve got a sneaking suspicion this diet involves fasting.

  318. Baka Gaijin
    December 20th, 2012 at 9:53 pm [Reply]

    @moss_moses (#313) on Katherine Parker: Plastic surgery. Lots and lots of plastic surgery. Maybe it was years of bathing in the blood of sacrificed virgins. It’s hard to tell with that crowd.

  319. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    December 20th, 2012 at 10:00 pm [Reply]

    @diets that work fast for women (#315): “it’s not got much spam in it. . . .”

  320. Inexplicable Bear Tongue
    December 20th, 2012 at 10:02 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#318): The virgins volunteered their blood after Katherine held a door open for an old lady or something.

    MW: After Balding Mustachio makes his prize winning cake, Mary will introduce the world to its most bizarrely troubling fetish by sporting a bikini and farting on it.

    That was my Christmas present to all of you.

  321. Nehemiah Scudder
    December 20th, 2012 at 10:03 pm [Reply]

    @diets that work fast for women (#315):

    Remain away from taking in purposes that notify you that you have to take in only a pretty limited sort of foods, and that if you consume other people, you will compromise any superior results you have created. No one can retain with a prepare like this for any duration of time, it is ludicrous, and maybe unsafe as effectively.

    Good advice, and not just for women! Thanks DTWFFW! Your data is fastidious. The best diets are useless if you persist in consuming other people between planned meals.

  322. Sequitur
    December 20th, 2012 at 10:05 pm [Reply]

    Yo! BAKA GAIJIN!

    Cake decorating guy has a cake for you!

  323. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    December 20th, 2012 at 10:06 pm [Reply]

    @lynn (#222):

    Wouldn’t she have to go by just Suzie Hamilton from now on? Since we now know that she has sold her Favors?

    Or is that the thing a woman has in the middle that she can sell over and over again and yet still keep?

  324. Artist formerly known as Ben
    December 20th, 2012 at 10:12 pm [Reply]

    @Peanut Gallery (#317): You’ve got to love when a spambot lays down borderline malapropisms like that.

  325. Baka Gaijin
    December 20th, 2012 at 10:12 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#322): That Sgt. Sprinkles is my kind of guy or gal. I’ll have to summon a copy of that cake for my next shindig, gathering, or get together.

  326. Droopy Says
    December 20th, 2012 at 10:13 pm [Reply]

    @diets that work fast for women (#315): How about diets for fast women? That doesn’t need to be so fastidious, does it?

  327. Right Venerable Pasdordan
    December 20th, 2012 at 10:16 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#311): Large sum? Been there, done that, minus the large advance. I’d rather be in the comics, if it’s all the same.

  328. Artist formerly known as Ben
    December 20th, 2012 at 10:26 pm [Reply]

    @Chaze126 (#196):

    Judge Parker has turned into a laff-riot a la Igmar Bergman’s “Seventh Seal” and Woody Allen’s “interiors.”

    For comparison’s sake, Rex Morgan has turned into a cross between “Showgirls” and the last reel of “Terms of Endearment.”

  329. GrafSpee
    December 20th, 2012 at 10:26 pm [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#126): I would have preferred it if they had used the Jin-Roh: The Wolf Brigade version of the story.

  330. Artist formerly known as Ben
    December 20th, 2012 at 10:32 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#172): Agreed. The Christmas Monkey-Faced Squid about made my day.

  331. Sequitur
    December 20th, 2012 at 10:32 pm [Reply]

    When cake decorators don’t have enough to do…

  332. Raghead the Fiendly Neighbourhood Terrorist
    December 20th, 2012 at 10:39 pm [Reply]

    Happy End Of The World Day, everyone! It’s just past 9 am here, which means my ghost is nine hours and nine minutes old.

  333. Artist formerly known as Ben
    December 20th, 2012 at 10:43 pm [Reply]

    @Calico (#162): @lynn (#167): Fruitcakes, like just about anything, vary in quality. On some of them the sweet sticky stuff on top is kind of cloying. But I do like the combination of dried fruit with hints of booze in a good fruitcake.

  334. Raghead the Fiendly Neighbourhood Terrorist
    December 20th, 2012 at 10:43 pm [Reply]

    Yes. Only fastidious data here. We don’t have nothin’ to do with people with dirty minds.

    Man. I miss Dingo.

  335. Sequitur
    December 20th, 2012 at 10:44 pm [Reply]

  336. seismic-2
    December 20th, 2012 at 10:45 pm [Reply]

    @moss_moses (#313): Make of this what you will…

  337. Artist formerly known as Ben
    December 20th, 2012 at 10:50 pm [Reply]

    @Cetacean Love Buzz (#70):
    Mary: John Dill is really coming along in handling the stale panettone.
    Dr Jeff: What? Why does he get to touch your stale panettone when I don’t?

  338. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    December 20th, 2012 at 11:00 pm [Reply]

    @Der Schnärkïnätör mit Ümläüts! (#288): @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#280):
    “love is… …willingly giving her a bill just to see where she puts it.”
    And just from where do you suppose that wallet came from?
    He keeps it next to Daddy’s watch.

  339. Uncle Lumpy
    December 20th, 2012 at 11:33 pm [Reply]

    Spam at #315 neutered and blacklisted. For some reason, “fastidious” is a highly favored spam word.

    The “vintage” comics on DailyInk (from 1969) show Katherine Parker as younger than the Judge, but certainly not Randy’s age. I think she’s the same woman, just youthified to meet the ogling requirements of modern audiences.

  340. Anonymous
    December 20th, 2012 at 11:38 pm [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#338):

    Well, my guess is that he pulled it out of his ass, but that’s just me…

  341. Der Kömmëntätör, Herr Schnärkïnätör
    December 20th, 2012 at 11:41 pm [Reply]

    @Anonymous (#340):

    This was me ‘effing cookies!

  342. seismic-2
    December 20th, 2012 at 11:53 pm [Reply]

    @Uncle Lumpy (#339): You could well be right that young stepmom Katherine is the same person as old stepmom Katherine, courtesy of an artistic reboot. It certainly did wonders for ancient crone Melissa in RMMD.

  343. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    December 20th, 2012 at 11:58 pm [Reply]

    @Anonymous (#340): And what did I say?

  344. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    December 20th, 2012 at 11:59 pm [Reply]

    *cough*PULPFICTION*cough*

  345. seismic-2
    December 21st, 2012 at 12:12 am [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#344): In that context, coughing should definitely be avoided.

  346. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    December 21st, 2012 at 12:14 am [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#345): “Cough harder, Mr. Smith, I’ve lost me glove.”

  347. Poteet
    December 21st, 2012 at 12:31 am [Reply]

    @lynn (#148): Nope, didn’t send home a geldscheisser. *she says, having just looked it up, her eyes still wide* Sounds like you had a very interesting growing-up! The marzipan I sent home was mostly in the shapes of fruit and Christmas symbols, as I recall. The chocolate I sent was much more of a hit.

  348. Poteet
    December 21st, 2012 at 12:35 am [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#153): It’s the Strasbourg in France. I’m sure it has changed a lot since I was there, but I recently happened to catch the last part of a Rick Stevens show about it and it looks as if the old part of the city is just as beautiful as it was. Hope you’ll have a wonderful time if you go.

  349. Poteet
    December 21st, 2012 at 12:37 am [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#165): I’ll remember your warning if I try it.

  350. Poteet
    December 21st, 2012 at 12:38 am [Reply]

    @Peanut Gallery (#263): Of course. Thanks.

  351. Droopy Says
    December 21st, 2012 at 12:42 am [Reply]

    Spiderdick: Parker, you moron, the chimp trained Kraven to work as his servant while the chimps plotted the theft. Flathead, you moron, you brought Parker to Vegas to photograph Spiderdick, not Kraven.

    Les and Lesser:Next time, Creepy Les will call the Marquis de Sade Catering Service before the party starts.

    Phantom: Nature didn’t put nothin’ there, boy!

    Mock Travail: Is that an M-16? Looks like Elrod refuses to have any Commie subversive stuff hiding in his clip art.

    On the Fastrack: At least Frosty from yesterday’s Wizard of Id got a dignified burial.

    Pluggers: How does Brookins choose his Top Ten? Does he put on a blindfold or just close his eyes and grab?

  352. Poteet
    December 21st, 2012 at 12:52 am [Reply]

    MW — I see some Lucy-and-Ethel potential here.

  353. Poteet
    December 21st, 2012 at 12:55 am [Reply]

    @Poteet (#352): But more likely we’ll get to meet another cake designer, someone who’s either stone evil or cries a lot and can’t find a man.

  354. seismic-2
    December 21st, 2012 at 12:55 am [Reply]

    Over 350 comments! Couldn’t you people wait just a few more days to raid Josh’s liquor cabinet?

  355. Poteet
    December 21st, 2012 at 12:58 am [Reply]

    S-M — Why would readers want to see photos of Kraven? So they can reassure themselves that no matter how badly they dress, they are absolute fashion plates compared to Mister Mange?

  356. Mr. Kessler
    December 21st, 2012 at 12:58 am [Reply]

    So, the cake maker is a bad guy in Mary Worth, because of the mustache? Or am I confusing things?

  357. Droopy Says
    December 21st, 2012 at 1:06 am [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#354): No, we can’t wait. The world ends today. As proof, Phantom is laugh-out-loud funny today. Nice kitty!

  358. Yr obt servt
    December 21st, 2012 at 1:26 am [Reply]

    For the last several days, Luann, viewed in black and white instead of color, has allowed the impression that Toni isn’t wearing pants.

    I feel so cheap and used.

  359. Frank Lee Meidere
    December 21st, 2012 at 1:32 am [Reply]

    @Poteet (#141): I know. I figure marzipan is often made so beautifully in order to trick people into eating it. Probably the entire sales consist of one-time buys. I mean, surely nobody eats that stuff twice.

  360. Frank Lee Meidere
    December 21st, 2012 at 1:38 am [Reply]

    @Calico (#162): @lynn (#167): @Baka Gaijin (#169): @Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol (#224): @Artist formerly known as Ben (#333):
    Me too. Some fruitcakes better than others, but in general I just like fruitcake — with cheese.

  361. tallyHO
    December 21st, 2012 at 2:17 am [Reply]

    apartmentthreeG

    Panel 2 transcript:
    Mary, standing behind Widower Mustache: “…Rest assured, I’ll have your back.”

    Widower Mustache, glowing with glee: “Well, if you put it that way…:

    Missing panel number 3:
    Widower Mustache, still beaming while Mary bends him over:
    “…if you have my back then bottoms up!”

    Mary continues to beam with a smug sense of satisfaction like a cat that swallowed a frosting-coated, yellow meddle.

    Next Time:

    In Mary Worth’s Kitchenarium, Widower Mustache gets bossy.

    Widower Mustache:
    All I asked you to do was gently squeeze the tube, Mary! Just squeeze it until the pastry cream squirts out!

  362. tallyHO
    December 21st, 2012 at 2:20 am [Reply]

    Mark Trail:
    I’m okay, Bill. But, from now on just call me the International Man of Fishstory because I got a doozy for ya! Now let’s go grab some pancakes!

  363. tallyHO
    December 21st, 2012 at 2:28 am [Reply]

    Six Chix:
    I think the joke is that they are unaware of their impending demise. You can tell they don’t know by looking straight into dem eyes.

  364. tallyHO
    December 21st, 2012 at 2:34 am [Reply]

    Mutts:

    I’m sending that one as an e-greeting card!
    Uncle Deadintheground will get such a kick out of it, he will spin with aplomb.
    Once upon a time, like this strip, he was “merry”, too.

  365. tallyHO
    December 21st, 2012 at 2:39 am [Reply]

    Hazel*:

    Cat. It’s what’s for dinner.

    *i know, right? but one person’s been doing the strip for 69 years. How crazy is that? That’s a lot of cat dinners!

  366. tallyHO
    December 21st, 2012 at 2:45 am [Reply]

    Somewhere on the corner of Hell and No:
    Funky Winkerbean makes a distant appearance in the strip at a “party” with SmirkLES and his Missus. Apparently, they are having a “Mayan Calendar Moment”.
    Sounds like they made a blood sacrifice of a video tape or two.
    //and they probably did so after consulting with a video tape that instructed them to do so.

  367. Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket
    December 21st, 2012 at 2:46 am [Reply]

  368. Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket
    December 21st, 2012 at 2:48 am [Reply]

    @moss_moses (#313): If I remember right, Wikipedia claims that she’s his stepmother. But if that’s so, her “I’ve been looking forward to this from the day you were born” schtick is even stranger.

  369. Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket
    December 21st, 2012 at 2:51 am [Reply]

    @Frank Lee Meidere (#359): My theory on marzipan is that you’re not expected to eat it at all. Instead, you display it as a theoretically edible sculpture until mice or bugs do away with it.

  370. tallyHO
    December 21st, 2012 at 2:55 am [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#361):
    Gee Whiz!
    Here I am pondering, weak and weary. Trying to cope with the End of Everyth…oh, what’s that? It is only the shortest day of the year. What? It has yet to begin?

    Well, I call me Ben Cartwright and let me leave the PONDERosa!

    Apparently, I crafted a psuedo bonus panel for Mary Worth and labelled the whole thing for apt3G.
    That was a goof up on my part.

    If I had to make fun of Friday’s 3G, it would be that “Aunt Cathy” is none too bright as she is pestering someone she desires as a potential client, Evan –who’s probably going straight to Margo’s to tell her that his days as a boy toy are now restricted to where ever golden showers are so he can match his taste in suits– is a doofus, Margo will get caught in the crosswinds and the new Bond James Bond is about to take off his wet clothes and slip into a dry martini.

    They are setting up a very Merry Christmas for the readers of A3G!

  371. seismic-2
    December 21st, 2012 at 3:05 am [Reply]

    @Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket (#368): Yes, she is his stepmother. (See this strip, as noted above.) The question is whether she is the same stepmother that he’s had throughout the whole run of JP. I’m inclined to agree with Uncle Lumpy et al. that she is in fact the same, but she has been given a major makeover by the strip’s recent artists. In fact, Mike Manley gave her a new, shorter haircut for the current story arc. In the throwaway panels from Sunday Dec. 9, Alan sees Katherine’s haircut for the first time and notes that it makes her look 10 years younger.

  372. Mr. O'Malley
    December 21st, 2012 at 4:03 am [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#321): They must be getting desperate if they’re trying to market diet plans for overweight cannibals. Seems like a niche market.

  373. seismic-2
    December 21st, 2012 at 4:12 am [Reply]

    @Mr. O’Malley (#372): Soylent light green. It’s who’s for dinner.

  374. gleeb
    December 21st, 2012 at 6:51 am [Reply]

    3-G: Again, Greg sees through everything. He really deserves a promotion to a better comic.

    Bizarro: Sam Gross did it better.

    ‘bean: Well, this does throw things into sharp relief. On the one hand, I’m glad to see the back of Harry and John. On the other hand, we have a smirk and “a Mayan calendar moment,” a phrase almost no one would use. On the whole, though, it’s better than more Komix Korner krap.

    Parkers, Parkers, Parkers: So why does a CIA field agent need to b given away? Can’t she take care of herself?

    Phantom: Is the Phantom going to stab a drugged lion? How unsporting!

    Dick: To the Moon!

  375. Droopy Says
    December 21st, 2012 at 7:17 am [Reply]

    @gleeb (#374): I don’t think the Phantom plans to stab that lion, except metaphorically. But when you look at where her head is, he’d better hope the Bandar Roofie doesn’t wear off now.

  376. MWDG
    December 21st, 2012 at 7:38 am [Reply]

    MW: Hey, did Mary break up with Jeff? She is coming on pretty strong to this geriatric cake decorator. If he is anything like the other “men” in this strip she’ll have better luck taking him to a Judy Garland scrapbooking club then getting him into her urine soaked bed.

    Did the regulars at Charterstone leave the strip for more money? Where is Toby? Ian? Terry Bryson (the lesbian computer security dame.)

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