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Depressing Tuesday

Funky Winkerbean, 1/15/13

Funky Winkerbean Is The Most Depressing Long-Form Work Of Art Ever Created, Chapter 923: two happily married young people with no major current traumas (though plenty of traumas lurking in their past, obviously, not all of which I can remember right now, why is there not a specialized wiki online with articles for each Funkyverse character explaining the specific awfulness they’ve suffered) are having a pleasant evening at home, and express contentment, but that contentment is tempered by an overwhelming sense that any fleeting moment of happiness will immediately be destroyed by the hateful God of Sadness who rules over all. It’s a recurring theme in this strip! And lo, it has come true in panel three, with … a call from Darrin’s mother? Isn’t Darrin’s mother (his mother who adopted him as an infant, not his biological mother, who was LISA who DIED OF CANCER very soon after she and Darrin reconnected with one another) the nice lady who helped coach the girl’s basketball team last year? Why would they fear a phone call from her? Well, I’m sure there will be reasons. Terribly and arbitrarily depressing reasons. Get ready for a dramatic roller-coaster ride this week! (Is it still a roller-coaster ride when you only go down?)

Better Half, 1/15/13

In contrast, this shockingly frank panel is almost hopeful. Mental illness cannot be cured by mere aphorisms! Seek help from a licensed professional!

Mary Worth, 1/15/13

AT LAST, THE DRAMATIC CONFLICT IN MARY WORTH! Mary has been asked to help John design his cakes for his entry in the contest, but John is maybe deciding he’d rather do it on his own and will try passive-aggressively to extricate himself from Mary’s mentorship! Will their pairing end amicably, or will it be mildly socially awkward? Don’t miss a single panel of pulse-pounding action, be sure to order home delivery of every newspaper you can, just in case one gets lost!

Dennis the Menace, 1/15/13

Dad’s job is soul-killing grind, where he neither learns anything nor grows professionally.

363 responses to “Depressing Tuesday”

  1. Comrade Denny
    January 15th, 2013 at 8:30 am [Reply]

    BB: Upon hearing Corporal Yo’s koan, Beetle took the backwards step that shines the light inward. His petty rebellion fell away like dead leaves in a stiff breeze. From that day forward, he full-heartedly embraced his samurai nature.

    MT: So is the Curmudgeon Consensus that Rod Bassy (if that it is his real name) is a big, fat Sneaky MacCheater?

  2. Rocky Stoneaxe
    January 15th, 2013 at 8:30 am [Reply]

    Red & Rover — Pooping.

    Dogs of C-Kennel — Farting.

    Dog Eat Doug — Sleeping where you aren’t supposed to.

    Why do these cartoonists hate dogs so much?

  3. sporknpork
    January 15th, 2013 at 8:35 am [Reply]

    You hope the ceiling is lead-lined? Trust me, it’s not. This is the Funkyverse! Think “asbestos.” Think “need a chest x-ray, soon.”

  4. Atheist amongst the flock
    January 15th, 2013 at 8:39 am [Reply]

    MT: Rusty, how would you like to go with me to a bass fishing tournament? Really? Actually no. I’ll be working.

  5. RavenHawk
    January 15th, 2013 at 8:40 am [Reply]

    I think you forgot to put quotation marks around the word “art” in that first sentence of FW.

  6. CowKing
    January 15th, 2013 at 8:40 am [Reply]

    I believe that we are all monsters, monsters I say. These people writing these comics everyday are shouting out for help, serious mental help, I don’t know how else we could understand these comics than a call to help them in their soul crushing depression. And what do we do, we make fun of them, that’s like laughing at the guy who’s standing on the edge of a building and thinking that’s funny, he’s gonna jump. Because I’m sure after these comics write their panel every day they go spend a few minutes on the roof contemplating. Well actually now that I think about it, it is kind of funny, go ahead and laugh, losers!

  7. Liam
    January 15th, 2013 at 8:40 am [Reply]

    MW-Remember Dill when you team up with Mary Worth there is no you on the team it is just her. She always makes it about her.

    MT-For one thing Rusty he goes fishing instead of sitting around hoping to go fishing.

    FC-”I’ve got an itch to scratch,” Janet Majors

    JP-”So what the FUCK are we going to do now? Are we going to have to shop around for another producer?”

    Archie-Or those over six feet tall with the intelligence of someone under the age of twelve.

  8. Rocky Stoneaxe
    January 15th, 2013 at 8:40 am [Reply]

    Apparently, Henry Mitchell works at the Plaid Stamp Redemption Center

    (as evidenced by HM’s jacket and the wallpaper at Casa Mitchell):

    http://neighborhoodvalues.com/nv/paper/pixs/PlaidStamps2.jpg

  9. Raghead the Fiendly Neighbourhood Terrorist
    January 15th, 2013 at 8:43 am [Reply]

    Poor Dill will wish he’d teamed up with Margo. She’d only disembowell him alive, rather than meddle him to death.

    More icing, mule!

    As for Dennis’ dad, he’s learnt that he’d rather spend twenty four hours a day in the office.

  10. pugfuggly
    January 15th, 2013 at 8:43 am [Reply]

    FW Unlike other Funky characters who mix their misery with snark, nostalgia and loneliness, Darrin uniquely adds a just a touch of paranoia to his depression. “Aaaaarg! The lead-lined ceiling didn’t work! I knew I shouldn’t have taken the tinfoil hat off before I allowed myself to be a tiny bit happy. Quick, stomp seven times in the northeast corner of the room!”

    MW I’m no cake-decorating expert, but I imagine that adding some colour to your design would probably improve your chances of winning.

    A3G “Margo stumbles and….” And what? Nothing happened, at least not above the waist, unless….did she piss herself? Ohpleaseohpleaseohplease….

    MT Rusty and Mark are going fishing, which must mean the the Trailverse apocalypse is nigh.

  11. Chareth Cutestory
    January 15th, 2013 at 8:44 am [Reply]

    Mary Worth: John is undergoing such immense pressure that it seems to have made his left eye bulge out of its socket, knocking his eyeglasses askew! Watch out, Mary! I think he’s going to explode like that guy in Big Trouble in Little China!!

  12. Raghead the Fiendly Neighbourhood Terrorist
    January 15th, 2013 at 8:46 am [Reply]

    A gift for Nehemiah Scudder, with best wishes from the Archbishop. I M Afarter will be visiting you soon, Reverend, and bringing BJ along with him.

  13. Clint Brawny
    January 15th, 2013 at 8:47 am [Reply]

    Mary Worth is so unbelievably boring.

  14. Doctor Handsome
    January 15th, 2013 at 8:49 am [Reply]

    Harriet can’t believe this shit. “We had lemons? When was that? You know I like a slice of lemon in my tea, Stanley. Why’d you waste them on lemonade you’re just going to bitch about? I’ve forgotten why I ever loved you.”

  15. seismic-2
    January 15th, 2013 at 8:54 am [Reply]

    MW: Oh, I get it. Mary’s and John’s conflict is a foreshadowing of the theme of the cake decorating contest, which as we all know is “The Beauty of Nature”, since such turmoil is in fact part of the awesome beauty of the natural world. Based on how one-sided the Mary vs. John conflict is likely to be, though, I expect that their cake will have the rather unusual form of a lioness disemboweling a zebra. Yum!

  16. Raghead the Fiendly Neighbourhood Terrorist
    January 15th, 2013 at 8:55 am [Reply]

    @pugfuggly (#10): I imagine that adding some colour to your design would probably improve your chances of winning.

    That’s Ice Cake. In honour of Global Warming.

  17. Doctor Handsome
    January 15th, 2013 at 8:58 am [Reply]

    “Because, Dennis, Daddy is the key grip on a porno set. I’ve rarely enjoyed the answer.”

  18. pugfuggly
    January 15th, 2013 at 8:59 am [Reply]

    @Raghead the Fiendly Neighbourhood Terrorist (#16):

    If it’s in honour of global warming they should make it a chocolate cake with white icing, then leave it out in the sun for a bit. Tada! A melting glacier.

  19. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    January 15th, 2013 at 9:04 am [Reply]

    FW – “Damnit, it’s as if all those layers of lead-based paint I’ve covered the house with were useless!! Everyone who lives here still has crippling health issues!”

    JP – Yet another of the tropes that rule this strip. Perhaps to compensate for how glacially time moves, everyone makes instant judgements about other people, then relies on those snap judgements to manage their lives. Avery spent less than 12 hours at the Fishing Lodge, during which time he had a hammer and a chainsaw brandished at him, a skunk sent into his bunk, and his camera stolen. He was lied to and eventually learned that the place was dominated by a major drug dealer. So, naturally, he fell in love with the place and the people and gave up everything to move in immediately and spend the rest of his life there.

  20. Mibbitmaker
    January 15th, 2013 at 9:06 am [Reply]

    LEARNING EDITION

    MW: “No, dear boy, I’m the head of the team! — However, Mr. Dill, the pressure is indeed on YOU! (*sigh* Will they never learn?)”

    FW: He has to learn this: Happiness in Westview? the only happiness is this: happiness is a warm gun. Darren… you know what to do…”

    DtM: Henry: “Today, I learned that I’ve been relieved of my job! How’s THAT for a daily lesson, family?!”

  21. Doctor Handsome
    January 15th, 2013 at 9:07 am [Reply]

    After Mary’s extensive revisions, Dill will insist the cake be credited to Alan Smithee.

  22. Majicou
    January 15th, 2013 at 9:08 am [Reply]

    @pugfuggly (#18): The sun? But I heard that someone left the cake out in the rain. All that sweet, green icing running down…

  23. TheSilentG
    January 15th, 2013 at 9:14 am [Reply]

    Vitamin C can’t cure depression, but depression is a symptom of Vitamin C deficiency, which is cured by Vitamin C. So drink up, Stanley, and stave off the scurvy!

  24. CanuckDownSouth
    January 15th, 2013 at 9:15 am [Reply]

    @pugfuggly (#10): I imagine that adding some design to your design would improve your chances of winning. That looks like a cake tier design blank a 6-year-old spent 5 minutes on, mostly deciding what size polka dots would be cute.

  25. yellojkt
    January 15th, 2013 at 9:16 am [Reply]

    Curtis’s dad is missing his A href=”http://www.seattlepi.com/comics-and-games/fun/Curtis/2013-01-15/”>favorite chair. Meanwhile, Sally wandering the office lost has found where they keep all the good chairs. Coincidence?

  26. Rocky Stoneaxe
    January 15th, 2013 at 9:16 am [Reply]

    @Majicou (#22):

    I don’t think that I can take it.
    ‘Cause it took so long to bake it.
    And I’ll never have that recipe again, oh no.

  27. pugfuggly
    January 15th, 2013 at 9:17 am [Reply]

    @Majicou (#22):

    I look forward to Mary quoting that song in the denoument…

    @TheSilentG (#23):

    Vitamin C can’t cure depression, but depression is a symptom of Vitamin C deficiency, which is cured by Vitamin C.

    I’ve read this over 5 times, and I think I’m caught in a logic loop….

  28. Comcis Fan
    January 15th, 2013 at 9:17 am [Reply]

    FW: It may not be a roller-coaster, but if they only went down, the folks in Westview might be much happier. Winkerbean-winkerbean nudge-nudge.

  29. Doctor Handsome
    January 15th, 2013 at 9:18 am [Reply]

    “Darrin! Get out now, son! They’re coming for you! THE LEAD IS FAULTY!!!”

  30. Sequitur
    January 15th, 2013 at 9:20 am [Reply]

    Non Me: NSFBG.

  31. seismic-2
    January 15th, 2013 at 9:20 am [Reply]

    BH: Ah, Stanley – too old for lemonade, too young for lemon parties.

  32. Rocky Stoneaxe
    January 15th, 2013 at 9:22 am [Reply]

    @yellojkt (#25):

    His chair reeked of cigarettes and stale sweat, so good riddance!

  33. Johnny Knuckles
    January 15th, 2013 at 9:22 am [Reply]

    DtM: Depressing Tuesday? Mr. Mitchell’s red check sports jacket wishes to differ, sir.

  34. Hibbleton
    January 15th, 2013 at 9:23 am [Reply]

    A3G: Once Greg leaves, creepy Evan will come out of the closet and try and attack Margo in the dark. The question is will Greg be the hero and save her or will she fight Evan off and in the darkness think it was Greg?

  35. Mikey
    January 15th, 2013 at 9:25 am [Reply]

    @Comrade Denny (#1): I thought Rod Bassy might be an anagram that would give us some clues about his real name but the only thing I came up with was “Bass Royd” which I kind of like. Anyway, back to the cheating. My prediction is that Rusty will bring his fucking camera again and accidently get pictures of them stashing fish in the lake before the tournament. He’ll be nabbed by Catfish who will be an overalls wearing character (oh please!!) who will murder Rusty (oh please!!).

  36. LoFoMoFo
    January 15th, 2013 at 9:26 am [Reply]

    MT: “Not to get too far ahead of ourselves, Rusty, but Mr. Bassy is a scoundrel and a cheat and he and/or Catfish will have an appointment with the RFOJ by the time this ends.”

  37. word-doctor
    January 15th, 2013 at 9:28 am [Reply]

    FC: Your brother Davey touched me with that stick once. Those are his pants you’re wearing.

    RM: Teeny tiny ladylike bullets.

  38. Mikey
    January 15th, 2013 at 9:28 am [Reply]

    MW: John’s Cake Pride will be his undoing. He will sob at his failure while Mary gives him a not so subtle “I told you so” after they lose in some horrible fashion!

  39. The Ghost of Jarrod
    January 15th, 2013 at 9:29 am [Reply]

    MT – Is anyone else concerned that Rusty’s size appears to be rapidly fluctuating? I know Mark isn’t, but someone should be.

    MT2 – They should name this guy Joe Cheater. It would be more subtle.

    PBS – Nooooooooo!

    Doonesbury – He needs to learn the first rule of writing on the internets: never re-read your stuff.

    Luann – Gunther and Rosa are, sadly, the least dysfunctional couple in this strip.

  40. Big Bad Dave
    January 15th, 2013 at 9:31 am [Reply]

    John has moved on from prancing ponies and unicorns on a pink oil drum and will now be making an ocean liner cake, complete with portholes.

  41. TheDiva
    January 15th, 2013 at 9:34 am [Reply]

    DtM: “That’s because your father and I live in quiet mutual contempt for each other, Dennis.”

    FW: In the Funkyverse, nobody talks to anybody unless it’s to deliver tragic news.

    MW: I, we, who cares? Either way you’re making page 56 of the Wilton instruction book. I’d say you haven’t got a prayer, but this is Santa Royale we’re talking about so I doubt the competition will be any better.

  42. Digger
    January 15th, 2013 at 9:36 am [Reply]

    DtM: “I didn’t ask Dad what he learned today because if he hasn’t learned that a red-checkered sportscoat is out of fashion, then he certainly couldn’t have learned anything else.”

  43. Damian
    January 15th, 2013 at 9:37 am [Reply]

    Man, Mary’s like the mob – she “goes into business” with you, then you can never get out from under her. John better watch his ass, or he’ll wake up one morning with a smashed cake in bed with him.

  44. Horace Broon
    January 15th, 2013 at 9:38 am [Reply]

    Blondie: Mr Dithers is enraged that Dagwood is lounging about while he has to get on with the important work of whining to his secretary about Facebook.

    HtH: There are a number of potential punchlines that could follow the set-up “I’m playing something new called ‘arrow golf’”. A panel of a corpse with an arrow sticking out of him and Robin Hood guy saying “Looks like I got a hole in one!” perhaps. Or maybe he’s hitting an arrow with a putter and saying “There must be an easier way!” I’m not saying these are actually funny, I’m just saying they’re recognisable as being punchlines.

    The idea that an arrow-golfer would have a caddy to carry his arrows … not so much. Yeah, he probably would. And?

    JP: I love the way Sam just drops “the local pot tycoon” into the conversation casually and smugly, just to see the look on her face (so it’s a shame that in the reaction shot she has no expression on her face whatsoever). It almost distracted me from the fact he’s just said, straight out, that Avery fell in love with Bubba.

    MT: Ha, Rusty thinks that going with Mark to interview a guy at a fishing tournament means he and Mark will go fishing! He still doesn’t get how this works.

    Phantom: “So in the future don’t be so superstitious when you hear there’s a ‘phantom’ that cannot die and ask youself ‘Can this be explained by a whole load of very similar creatures appearing in sequence after one’s been killed?’ No, wait…”

  45. Oregonian
    January 15th, 2013 at 9:39 am [Reply]

    So far the Mary Worth storyline has devolved from “Dramatic Shipwreck Rescue” to “The Mysterious One-Armed Man” to “Cake Baking Power Struggle.” Stay tuned for “Parking Ticket Court Drama” followed by “Tragic Dry Cleaning Mix-Up.”

  46. Trilobite
    January 15th, 2013 at 9:44 am [Reply]

    “The pressure’s all on me! Santa Royale cake-decorating contests are SERIOUS, Mary. First place gets a trophy and an article in next week’s Penny-Saver. Second place gets a ribbon and a 25% off coupon for Frosting World. Third place gets a bullet to the back of the head.”

  47. Illustrator Steve
    January 15th, 2013 at 9:46 am [Reply]

    MT – Where does Mark come up with these cruel ways ot letting Rusty down? First
    Mark gets Rusty all excited about going with him to a fishing tournament and then, in the same breath, tells Rusty his editor wants him to do a story about him.
    Poor Rusty, it looks like he will have to wait until Mark is done doing a story about his editor before there’s any chance of going to that fishing tournament.

  48. Liam
    January 15th, 2013 at 9:57 am [Reply]

    MW-”Since the theme of the contest is nature the frosting for this generic looking cake will be green. Green is a color that occurs in nature, right?”

  49. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    January 15th, 2013 at 9:58 am [Reply]

    pitpup haz an epic happy.

    C&H ref ftw. (also, BIG kitteh!)

    next in Mark Trail. (Poteet might be amused.)

    meanwhile, in the 70′s, when his Spider Sense was good for something.

    ikkle cosplayer win. *brainmush*

    Pallas kitteh, just hangin’ around.

    as a comment, so far in 2013 almost all of The Daily Puppies have been Retrievers or Retriever mixes. Without going back to count, there’s only been something like three or four that were some other breed. (today’s TDP is a black Lab, so go there and squee!)

    corgi plays London Bridge.

    corgi disguised as a chihuahua.

  50. TheDiva
    January 15th, 2013 at 9:59 am [Reply]

    9CL: Today’s “McEldowney-to-Human” translation:
    Edda: What the Hell is that?
    Amos: My swear bag. When I was younger I’d swear into it for no particular reason.
    Edda: Except you never actually swore into it, a fact which I know despite not having recognized the object in your hands or its purpose. In fact, your inability to use vulgar language is both mildly amusing and completely pathetic.
    Amos: I am ashamed of myself, as well I should be.

    BRSG: Really, can you think of a better explanation for “Gangam Style”?

    Luann: This had better end with Luann being banned from the library for two weeks (minimum).

    Pluggers work miserable dead-end jobs.

    SM: “The day has been saved through no particular effort of my own! Time to make my exit!”

  51. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    January 15th, 2013 at 9:59 am [Reply]

    @Doctor Handsome (#21): *golf clap 4 the ref*

  52. Liam
    January 15th, 2013 at 10:00 am [Reply]

    Dennis the Menace-Today Daddy learned that he and the secretary shouldn’t sit on the copier.

  53. Jeff
    January 15th, 2013 at 10:02 am [Reply]

    I actually found a Funky Winkerbean wiki called “Funky Wikibean”, but it has very few articles.

  54. Mikey
    January 15th, 2013 at 10:03 am [Reply]

    SM: Stop Him! Have him clean that elephant dung before he leaves! After all he’s the Amazing Spider-Man and Parker’s no where to be found.

    SM: Speaking of elephant dung, too bad Parker wasn’t bitten by a radioactive dung-beetle.

  55. Liam
    January 15th, 2013 at 10:05 am [Reply]

    Spiderman-It’s good to know that she’ll wait for Kraven since he won’t be able to wait for her. As soon as Kraven enters he’s going to be claimed by someone.

  56. Sequitur
    January 15th, 2013 at 10:07 am [Reply]

    Ziggy: You can tell that’s an old time robot. The newer ones have the curly light bulbs on top of their head.

  57. Liam
    January 15th, 2013 at 10:08 am [Reply]

    MW-Isn’t that cute. Dill thinks he’s the head of the team. Doesn’t he know that when you work with Mary Worth you are actually working for Mary Worth.

    Better Half-”The vodka I put in the lemonade did help a bit though.”

  58. Little Blue Bicycle
    January 15th, 2013 at 10:08 am [Reply]

    A3G: I really thought Greg would want Margo to leave her boots on.

  59. Nehemiah Scudder
    January 15th, 2013 at 10:14 am [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#Y89): Personally slaughtering the enemy was quite declasse’ and beneath the dignity of a British officer. There is the apocryphal tale of the Lieutenant at Hougoumont Farm during the battle of Waterloo, who picked up the musket of a dead enlisted man and handed it to a still-living Private, with instructions to shoot the French trooper entering the building they were defending.

    See? That’s called Leadership!

    // I always believe apocryphal stories, sometimes six before breakfast. It has made me the man I am today.

  60. Mustang
    January 15th, 2013 at 10:14 am [Reply]

    MW – Did anyone else get a little thrill when Widower John said “I’m glad because that’s what I’ll be making.” It’s so delightfully rude and snotty. I hold out hope that this could get ugly. Remember how benign Hurricane Jill was when she first came on the scene?

  61. Greg
    January 15th, 2013 at 10:15 am [Reply]

    Better Half: Nor does having red hearts on your coffee mugs cure depression. Damnit, will ANYTHING work??

  62. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    January 15th, 2013 at 10:19 am [Reply]

    @TheDiva (#50): “BRSG: Really, can you think of a better explanation for “Gangam Style”?”

    I am reminded of the old Hulu ads with Alec Baldwin

    “mmmm, mushy!”

  63. Liam
    January 15th, 2013 at 10:23 am [Reply]

    MT-”So would my editors that’s why they are sending me to do a story about it.”

    MT 2-Don’t get your hopes up too high, Rusty. This is a fishing tournament. You can only watch people fish. You can’t do any fishing yourself.

  64. Comrade Denny
    January 15th, 2013 at 10:24 am [Reply]

    Better Half: Stanley should probably have that side-neck tumor looked at,; it’s probably exerting intense pressure on his limbic symtem, creating depression-like symptoms.

    @Mikey (#35): I think your predictions are spot on, save for the murder part. Long-time readers all know that that Rusty is a practically an Immortal, and who could ever stand to look at that ugly head of his long enough to separate it from his shoulders? Thank Elrod there can be only one.

    @Mikey (#35): Other possibilities: Brad Soys; Darby Oss; Rad Boyss; Dray Sobs; Ray Bodds; Rod Abyss; and my personal favorite: Ass By Rod

  65. Austria
    January 15th, 2013 at 10:25 am [Reply]

    Luann: I was about to say something snarky until I realized Luann is being a shipper and darn it, I would do the exact same thing (without the Smartphone). I’m my own worst enemy…or something.

    MT: Rod Bassy. Rod. Bass-y. Is this Mark Trail or Ace Attorney?

    MW: John’s eye seems to be twitching in the final panel. He’s already losing it. Could we be on the way to a repeat of Aldomania? John-a-thon 2013!

    Zits: Interesting pose.

  66. Majicou
    January 15th, 2013 at 10:26 am [Reply]

    Pluggers hold menial jobs from the time they graduate the 8th grade until they’re buried in piano crates.

    Meanwhile in Zits, teenagers are all essentially supervillains with minimal resources.

  67. Nehemiah Scudder
    January 15th, 2013 at 10:28 am [Reply]

    9CL: Minced oath!

  68. Deb T
    January 15th, 2013 at 10:29 am [Reply]

    MW – she needs to shuck off that loser John (yeah, I can already tell) and make her own damn cake. Wouldn’t it be cool if she made a booby cake!

  69. Santa Royale With Cheese
    January 15th, 2013 at 10:30 am [Reply]

    MW: Yes, what exactly is Mary’s role in this? I’ve slept since the last strip but right now I’ve got her pegged (at best) as “sounding board”. Hardly Lennon & McCartney levels of cooperation.

    JP: I’d have paid good money for that third panel to be the “ticked off female” rage comics face. Actually, I’d pay good money for this strip to have an actual plot right about now. Enough with the reminiscing!

    S-M: If anything, Spidey is guilty of mopery with intent to gawk. (Repeater)

  70. Terry in Maryland
    January 15th, 2013 at 10:31 am [Reply]

    MT: Rusty is going with Mark on a fishing trip with a big time guide and tourney fisherman. Rusty’s dream, of course, but we know it can’t end well for him. I was tempted at first to guess that Rusty might fall in the water right in front of a shark, but Otto did that last week. Does the party get shipwrecked on a desert island and have to consider eating Rusty? Or will this trip be Rusty’s redemption? The trip goes very very wrong somehow and Rusty ends up being the one to come up with the solution. Naw, Rusty’s going to be chum.

  71. seismic-2
    January 15th, 2013 at 10:32 am [Reply]

    MT: I am really looking forward to this fishing tournament, which will open with Rod Bassy singing the National Anthem, followed by the theme from Goldfinger.

  72. themanwhocameback
    January 15th, 2013 at 10:37 am [Reply]

    J. Johan helps to underscore the wrap-up of the riveting Kraven storyline with the judicious application of jazz hands

  73. themanwhocameback
    January 15th, 2013 at 10:39 am [Reply]

    err, J. Jonah …

  74. Dr. P and the Women
    January 15th, 2013 at 10:39 am [Reply]

    RMMD: It almost seems like Rex Morgan is gingerly approaching the topic of gun violence; either this is by a wide margin the most topical the strip has ever been or it’s just a crazy coincidence. Either way there’s enough busty stripper catfight action to smooth over any political disagreements, which is probably something Congress should consider.

    Speaking of which let’s check back in on the busty stripper catfight action!

  75. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    January 15th, 2013 at 10:43 am [Reply]

    Pibgorn – Oh come on! At this pace, Randy and April’s grown son in Judge Parker will be taking over the family business before any of this goes anywhere. It is no wonder Brooke can’t maintain a coherent plot, he keeps taking a week off for masturbatory interludes such as today’s, then after his post-climax Moment of Shame, he can’t remember what he was doing before he started.

  76. Right Venerable Pasdordan
    January 15th, 2013 at 10:43 am [Reply]

    The Amazing Spider-Man: Let’s see, according to a 2008 Nevada truth-in-sentencing study, the most likely outcome for Kraven would be something on the lower end of 1-10 years for grand larceny, and 3-5 years for attempted murder, depending on whether he has any convictions in the past 3 years, if he has any AODA issues, and if the judge counts the elephant as a deadly weapon. He may also have to serve the original sentence for which he was paroled when this storyline began. Bottom line: Sherry has to wait 3 or 4 years, and the rest of us are do life with parole reading this goddamn strip.

    Also: Jonah? Jazz hands are a bit lower.

    Apt. 3-G: And just like that, this strip in one day has surpassed the sex appeal of an eternity of Amos and Edda, assuming Margo doesn’t show off all 86 of her teeth, like they do on that other strip.

    Speaking of 9 Chickweed Lane: What a coincidence! I too have a bag, also, just like Amos’. Except in it I keep all the violent and/or murderous rage and resentment I’ve built up in regards to the dweebs in this strip. The kids call it my “Happy Thoughts.” In fact, they just bought me a leather satchel to keep it all in, or possibly just gave me the leftover from their last bottle of Crown Royale. Either way, Papa’s got a brand-new bag.

    Dilbert: Fun fact: when Pres. Obama himself tweets, he signs it “bo,” which always leaves me wondering if the family dog figured out how to fire up the Twitter machine.

    Frank and Ernest: I think the joke here is that the teller looks waaay too happy about a rather routine state of affairs. Oh God, please let that be the joke.

    Judge Parker: You can almost see the gears turning in the secretary’s (executive assistant’s?) head:

    1. Avery knows the local pot tycoon.
    2. Avery is a depraved little twerp.
    3. Avery owes me for that handjob I gave him at last year’s Christmas party.
    4. …?
    5. Pot for everybody!

    Mark Trail: Today in “Dashing Rusty’s Hopes” Theatre…

    Mary Worth: Inside of John Dill, there is a tiger waiting to be unleashed. A sad and beige tiger. You may want to step away from the guard rail, Mary.

    Moose and Molly: I like to think of Bob Weber with a giant afro smiling and speaking genially while he creates these strips at his caricature booth at the local mall.

    Ziggy: that’s the surliest-looking robot I’ve seen outside of Futurama.

  77. Liam
    January 15th, 2013 at 10:44 am [Reply]

    FW-”No, it’s not my late mother. It’s my living mother. That would be silly and slightly scary if it was my dead mother. Can you imagine if I continued talking to my dead mother you would think that I was going mad and would try to commit me.”

  78. Rocky Stoneaxe
    January 15th, 2013 at 10:45 am [Reply]

    MT — “We’ll go to the bass fishing tournament, Rusty. Just as soon as I’m through laying this Jack Elrod egg for breakfast.”

    And did Andy transform into Sassy by the last panel? Hmmm… maybe Mandrake isn’t the only magician in the comics.

  79. Illustrator Steve
    January 15th, 2013 at 10:46 am [Reply]

  80. Illustrator Steve
    January 15th, 2013 at 10:47 am [Reply]

    @Illustrator Steve (#79):
    Why are my comments being underlined? I didn’t underline them. Is someone messing with my postings? Okay, Jackelrod, cut it out!

  81. Liam
    January 15th, 2013 at 10:47 am [Reply]

    MW-You can change the pictures of those cakes in the first panel and it looks like Mary and Dill could be planning anything else. A trip. A bank heist.

  82. Right Venerable Pasdordan
    January 15th, 2013 at 10:50 am [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#8): Plaid Stamps? Are those the Canadian answer to Green Stamps? Sold at Tim Horton’s?

  83. Verline
    January 15th, 2013 at 10:50 am [Reply]

    You guys are a lot more perceptive than I, but I thought when Rusty said, “Wow…I’d like to know how he does it!”, he was referring to Rod Bassy’s actually getting Mark’s attention. Shows how wrong I can be…

  84. Right Venerable Pasdordan
    January 15th, 2013 at 10:52 am [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#59): A theory about non-Jeannie’s blade: I has one. It’s the result of Brooksie using a rolling shutter on his pen.

  85. Mibbitmaker
    January 15th, 2013 at 10:56 am [Reply]

    @Austria (#65): “John-a-thon” sounds like what’ll happen once Marvin is weened off of diapers.

  86. Ratiocinator
    January 15th, 2013 at 10:57 am [Reply]

    Judge Parker: I wish Sam would make up his mind. When Abbey asked him about the pot farm, he was like “WHAT pot farm?” and now, without any prompting, he goes “Oh yeah, and there was totally a pot farm!”

    FW: A rare display of genre-savviness by Darrin, albeit one that will not save him.

    RMMD: Breaking news! Firearms potentially capable of causing health problems! We’ll update this story as we learn more.

  87. mvg
    January 15th, 2013 at 10:57 am [Reply]

    Jeff (15) “I actually found a Funky Winkerbean wiki called “Funky Wikibean”, but it has very few articles.”

    Presumably the contributors all died horrible, lingering deaths before they could add more material.

    DT: Nice little shoutout to “Gilligan’s Island” today. “Roy Hinkley” was the Professor’s actual character name on the series. Maybe the box contains the secret recipe for baking coconut cream pies w/o eggs, sugar or flour.

  88. Mikey
    January 15th, 2013 at 10:58 am [Reply]

    @Comrade Denny (#64): I can dream can’t I, Dammit !!? Yes, he is immortal. To the Bangor Rusty is known as “The Troll Who Trails”…..

  89. Illustrator Steve
    January 15th, 2013 at 11:02 am [Reply]

    MT – “…and my editor wants me to do a story about him.”
    “WOW…I’d like to know how he does it!”
    “ow he does WHAT, Rusty?”
    “HOW he can, after all these years, still want you to do a story when you have never actually writen a story, at least one that he ever published. Maybe he thinks by telling you to do a story about HIM that he’ll finally corner you into actually WRITING a story for a change, and if you don’t write a story he is sure that he knows himself well enough to write his OWN story so something, anything, can finally be published!”
    “I must admit, Rusty, you’re not as dumb as you look, but you’re still not going fishing!”

  90. Rip Houndstooth, Man Of Action
    January 15th, 2013 at 11:03 am [Reply]

    Today’s “Blondie” gives us a new and exciting euphemism for foot fetish photography!

  91. Majicou
    January 15th, 2013 at 11:07 am [Reply]

    @Mibbitmaker (#85): I predict that Marvin will end with a Distant Finale in which Marvin continually tries to clog the toilet.

    I’m kidding, of course. Marvin will never end, regardless of our hopes, wishes, and various petitions.

  92. Mibbitmaker
    January 15th, 2013 at 11:12 am [Reply]

    Archie: Moose has the mind of an under-12-year-old, if that helps…

    9CL: If Brooke would only limit his thesaurus-hopping (“invective” is fine) for the dialogue, he’d actually have a pretty good strip here today. SO close, Brooke!

    JP: That’s it, Sam. Alittle at a time. You can tell her that he’s also purple later…

    S-M: From what, Flathead Schickelgruber? He didn’t do anything…. at all…… ever…….

    FC: Only with a qualified doctor standing by!

  93. Ratiocinator
    January 15th, 2013 at 11:13 am [Reply]

    @TheDiva (#50):

    9CL: Today’s “McEldowney-to-Human” translation:
    Edda: What the Hell is that?
    Amos: My swear bag. When I was younger I’d swear into it for no particular reason.
    Edda: Except you never actually swore into it, a fact which I know despite not having recognized the object in your hands or its purpose. In fact, your inability to use vulgar language is both mildly amusing and completely pathetic.
    Amos: I am ashamed of myself, as well I should be.

    Love it, and looking forward to more.

  94. Rocky Stoneaxe
    January 15th, 2013 at 11:15 am [Reply]

    @Right Venerable Pasdordan (#82): Nope. You got Plaid Stamps when you shopped at A & P Supermarkets.

  95. Nehemiah Scudder
    January 15th, 2013 at 11:17 am [Reply]

    @Raghead the Fiendly Neighbourhood Terrorist (#12): Fascinating. Often funny. But really, very sad, in the end.

    // I don’t get Nigerian scam emails very often anymore. Don’t know why. Has anti-spam software gotten that good, or is it out of fashion?

  96. Comrade Denny
    January 15th, 2013 at 11:19 am [Reply]

    @Majicou (#91):

    I’m kidding, of course. Marvin will never end, regardless of our hopes, wishes, and various petitions.

    Maybe we should start a White House petition to at least force the President to respond to the issue.

  97. Mikey
    January 15th, 2013 at 11:19 am [Reply]

    @Mikey (#88): Bandar tongue or whatever. They know of Rusty in Bangor as well…

  98. Gringo
    January 15th, 2013 at 11:21 am [Reply]

    Gunky Yinkerbean: Wait, maybe that is a call from Dead Saint Lisa … warning Darrin not to get on that plane! Or not to get cuddly with that blonde dame he’s with. Or not to be too happy, since Masky McDeath is waiting outside in the snow.

  99. bats :[
    January 15th, 2013 at 11:23 am [Reply]

    @TheSilentG (#23): too much Vitamin C can result in rebound scurvy, if high Vitamin C levels are suddenly curtailed (if there’s an excess intake, the body just eliminates it, so when the intake levels decrease, the body has to take time to adjust, still eliminating the vitamin at high levels — hence, a drop in body supplies, and the likelihood of rebound scurvy occurring).

    Anyway, it would be kind of cool to see a Rebound Scurvy pirate in the next Pirates of the Caribbean movie.

  100. Rocky Stoneaxe
    January 15th, 2013 at 11:23 am [Reply]

    Snuffy Smith Here Comes Tater Boo Boo

    “FZHOO-BQZT-FLIBL-OP!!”

    Translation: “Goddammit, woman — you picked me up by my nipples!!”

  101. bats :[
    January 15th, 2013 at 11:24 am [Reply]

    @Trilobite (#46): go for the Bronze! Go for the Bronze!

  102. Nehemiah Scudder
    January 15th, 2013 at 11:26 am [Reply]

    @Illustrator Steve (#79): You were obviously way cooler than I was. I used to go to to the chess club on Wednesday night at a little place on Sunrise Blvd. When the club closed, the serious players would adjourn to the nearby Lums, where we’d continue to play, and enjoy Lum’s signature hot dogs “boiled in beer.”

  103. Nehemiah Scudder
    January 15th, 2013 at 11:28 am [Reply]

    @pugfuggly (#27): I’ve read this over 5 times, and I think I’m caught in a logic loop….

    Don’t let it get you down.

  104. Comrade Denny
    January 15th, 2013 at 11:29 am [Reply]

    @Mikey (#97): Seeing as Mark Trail is basically Phantom-lite, I figured the Bangor were a little-known Lost Forest tribe composed entirely of woodsy-weirdos all driven from the various Bangors of the world.

  105. Nehemiah Scudder
    January 15th, 2013 at 11:31 am [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#102): No, the hot dogs were boiled in beer. Not us. Well a little, maybe. We were chess players. One or two beers seemed to improve my game. Three, heh, never mind.

  106. Pozzo
    January 15th, 2013 at 11:32 am [Reply]

    Admittedly, “Funky Winkerbean” is the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade of depression, but since I don’t really care about any of these people, it doesn’t usually get to me. Yet somehow I find the happy pizza guy being slowly enveloped in snow one of the most heartbreaking things I’ve ever seen.

  107. Nehemiah Scudder
    January 15th, 2013 at 11:36 am [Reply]

    @Right Venerable Pasdordan (#82): @Rocky Stoneaxe (#94): Rocky is not making that up. Plaid stamps. Cross my heart, hope to die. The Great Atlantic and Pacific Tea Company, bless their corporate souls.

  108. Artist formerly known as Ben
    January 15th, 2013 at 11:38 am [Reply]

    FW: Darrell knows that even fleeting happiness on his part will trigger cancer, family suicides, and all the rest. As for lead poisoning, well, it was good enough for the Renaissance.

    MT: What, April Fool’s Day already?

    WofI: “Yes, I’m going to divide and conquer my own army, moron.”

    Archie: Skinny Tie Guy looks like Moose Mason, but he didn’t say one “duh”, so he must be an impostor.

    HtH: Slight new twist on stale golf jokes manages to still be unfunny.

    GT: Mia starts their one-on-one by preparing to pinch Scott’s nipples, which I assume Is her go-to defense.

    FC: This is as much of a valuable job skill as Jeffy will ever have.

    Luann: I kind of wish that loudmouth Luann were in Dorothy Vallens’ closet when Frank Booth came by.

    S-M: Get real, Triple J. You can’t stop something that never started in the first place.

    SFx: If the audience is screaming now, just wait until the probing scene starts.

    A3G: Margo really does have the best bedroom. When your roommates know that you’re willing to kill them and put out an ad for a new blonde and redhead, they generally defer to you.

  109. Sequitur
    January 15th, 2013 at 11:40 am [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#102): I grew up in Lantana, just south of Lake Worth and north of Boynton. On Friday nights we would get bored, drive down to Fort Lauderdale, beat the snot out of chess players and make them take us to Lum’s for a “beer boiled” hot dog. Small world.

  110. Voshkod
    January 15th, 2013 at 11:47 am [Reply]

    I think I know how this storyline of Mary Worth ends. Mary and John stand in the kitchen, pistols in hand, aiming at each other over a range of about six feet (Mary is, of course, holding her pistol gangster-style, like a proper lady). The kitchen is covered with dirty mixing bowls, frosting litters the walls. Their clothes are white with flour and powdered sugar.

    Their fingers twitch on the triggers. Mary narrows her eyes. A dove coos softly from the windowsill.

    And then the oven timer rings.

  111. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    January 15th, 2013 at 11:47 am [Reply]

    Luann – She is only a few feet away, and discussing them with her boyfriend on speakerphone, which she is holding out toward them while she converses. Obviously, she learned everything she knows about spying from TJ (“Lean toward them, and ask if they will identify themselves by name while speaking loudly into your shirt pocket”). I can only hope that both her and TJ are recruited into an FBI sting involving the Mafia.

  112. Mardou Fox
    January 15th, 2013 at 11:53 am [Reply]

    Now they’re talking about Trout Bum in Judge Parker. Is he going to enter the fishing contest with Ron Bassy? A Mark Trail – Judge Parker crossover could be pretty awesome! It would be interesting to see if Mark could maintain his ice-cold chill factor in steamy, sex-drenched Parker universe.

    Also, why is Mark WEARING that white shirt and blue JEANS? Seeing him out of his UPS uniform made me feel funny!

    oh boy oh boy… I’ve got the best feeling that something terrible is going to happen to Rusty and/or Sassy! Yay!

  113. Comrade Denny
    January 15th, 2013 at 11:55 am [Reply]

    @Voshkod (#110): Epilogue: Toby Cameron, who discovered the bodies, goes on to win the Beauty of Nature cake competition with powerful and unsettling entry “Red Tooth and Claw.”

  114. Rocky Stoneaxe
    January 15th, 2013 at 11:58 am [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#109): The Lum’s in North Tampa is now a car rental place. Which is okay since I was always more of a Biff Burger guy. (Wait, what?)

    @Mardou Fox (#112): UPS laid Mark off after Christmas.

  115. Ned Ryerson
    January 15th, 2013 at 12:02 pm [Reply]

    Trail Theater

    Rusty: Hey Mark, can Sassy come with us to the fishing tournament?
    Mark: I don’t know…say, where is Sassy?
    Doc: I think he’s outside!
    Mark: Is that so? Rusty, you’d better go find him. You never know what that little scamp might get up to!
    Rusty: Okay, don’t go anywhere without me!
    Mark: Sure thing, champ, I’ll be right here.
    Rusty: Oh boy! Sassy! Sassy!?

    [car wheels on gravel]
    Mark (on cell phone in International Harvester Sportwagon Deluxe): Say Bill, I thought of an angle for this fishing tournament that would make a great story! “My Breakfast With Bassy”!* How does that grab you?

    Rusty (on porch with fishing tackle and Sassy): Oh how I yearn, to see this cabin burn!

    *Andy, did you hear about this one?

  116. tb4000
    January 15th, 2013 at 12:03 pm [Reply]

    MW: Motherfucker, when you strikes a deal with Mary Worth, you’re never in charge. Remembers dat.

  117. Nehemiah Scudder
    January 15th, 2013 at 12:05 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#109): Good times, good times! You probably got rid of that gold AMC Javelin, I guess. Awesome ride. Well worth the beat down before we went to Lums.

  118. Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol
    January 15th, 2013 at 12:12 pm [Reply]

    MT — This week’s sign of the apocalypse: Rusty actually gets to go fishing!

  119. Fashion Police
    January 15th, 2013 at 12:14 pm [Reply]

    Perhaps Mr. Mitchell’s life would be more rewarding if he rid himself of his collection of tastelessly garish sports jackets and invested in a nice suit or two?

    Speaking of Mr. Mitchell, we may be imagining it, but we remember him as a habitual bow tie man. Now, certainly, bow ties aren’t for everyone. Mr. Sam Driver, for example, would completely destroy his square-jawed I’m-richer-than-you persona if he so much as tried one on at the haberdasher’s. But Henry Mitchell is a bow tie man. Seize the day, sir! Your one shred of style and you abandon it. So sad.

  120. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    January 15th, 2013 at 12:17 pm [Reply]

    Monday parade (not checked against comments):

    Slylock – Wait. Why does Count Weirdly have 26 buttons when he only needs ten for the digits 0-9 (or 1-0, if he’s using H for 0)? He apparently counts weirdly.

    Baby – Zoey’s in heaven? Jeez, that’s kind of raw for a family humor comic, isn’t it? Couldn’t you break it kind of gently? “Zoey’s up on the roof…”

    Garfield – Garfield’s hiding in the chair? Okay, so that’s why Greg is screaming in “Curtis.”

    Mark seems to be shooting an ad for how smooth and easy on the ear these new 1961 telephone handsets are.

    love was…

  121. Stroker Ace
    January 15th, 2013 at 12:17 pm [Reply]

    DtM ~ Alice hopes that Henry hasn’t learned that Mr. Wilson stops by every afternoon for help with that pesky Viagra 4 hour side-effect.

  122. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    January 15th, 2013 at 12:17 pm [Reply]

    And now; stand by for Tuesday!

    Dick – ‘Professor’ Roy Hinkley, ar ar! My favorite droppable name.

    C Kennel – The lead time’s about right. Today’s strip could be based on our explanations of one of the BC Christmastime gags.

    Heathcliff – Ha ha! That Heathcliff really hated taking medications of any kind. He later died of distemper.

  123. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    January 15th, 2013 at 12:18 pm [Reply]

    love is… …dressing him with your eyes.

    R=R – Jesus H. Fuck, Gumbo! Here’s a quarter. Go buy yourself two bits worth of self-respect.

    Id – “Divide and conquer” doesn’t mean dividing your army in two and winning. It means getting the other guy to divide in two and lose.

  124. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    January 15th, 2013 at 12:19 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#y32): Just saying that swords with double and triple blades with crystal skulls and runic symbols embedded in them are just not practical.
    The skulls and symbols don’t matter one way or the other, but the triple blades give a closer shave.

    @seismic-2 (#y83): This hep new verse form should keep those damn kids from walking their dogs in front of my house!

    Incidentally – I’ve referred to this here in the past, and I finally scanned it and put it online as a reference. Here is the father of all ‘young people on a date and all they do is text other kids’ jokes from PUNCH, 1906.

  125. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    January 15th, 2013 at 12:20 pm [Reply]

    @CowKing (#6): …that’s like laughing at the guy who’s standing on the edge of a building and thinking that’s funny, he’s gonna jump.
    Oh yeah. Him.
    (Isn’t this a re-rerun? I know the whole strip’s in reruns, but wasn’t this one rerun a very short while ago?)

    @Deb T (#68): Wouldn’t it be cool if she made a booby cake!
    Only if it won the booby prize.

    @mvg (#87): Maybe the box contains the secret recipe for baking coconut cream pies w/o eggs, sugar or flour.
    That was a Marshal Efrom segment on “Great American Dream Machine,” where he took a commercial confection and read the ingredients to show the viewers how to make lemon cream pie without lemons, eggs, or any dairy products whatsoever. “Just pie.”

  126. Dennis Jimenez
    January 15th, 2013 at 12:21 pm [Reply]

    FW – Lisa used a Luigi’s pizza box for a mailbox….

  127. Droopy Says
    January 15th, 2013 at 12:22 pm [Reply]

    Did the Phantom just let the cat out of the bag? If so, forgive him, he’s upset. He’s just ended the first long-term relationship of his life. He spent more time with that lioness, and had longer conversations, than he ever has with Diana.

  128. Illustrator Steve
    January 15th, 2013 at 12:22 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#102):
    I was not that cool, more nerdy than most by doing what I liked, being the cartoonist/illustrator for the FLHS newpaper, “the Navigator”. During Junior high I got teased a lot, (Things were fine during 7th grade at Sunrise Jr. High were I knew the kids since we all went to Bennett Elementary, however by my parents moving to a new house in the NW section I was transfered to Everglades Jr. High. Being the new kid there the kids were pretty rough on me, that is until one day I stood up for myself. Never came to blows but just by finally calling their bluff it turned things around and, just like that, they backed off and treated me fine.) By 10th grade the kids from both Junior high’s went to FLHS. It was great being back around the kids I remembered from grade school. By my senior year I had made some really great friends, two of whom, though miles apart, remain my best friends today.
    I remember going to the Lum’s on Commercial Blvd. near Federal highway. We’ve discused this previously about how good those Lum’s hot dogs steamed in beer tasted. Gotta be the some of the best hot dogs I ever had.

  129. pugfuggly
    January 15th, 2013 at 12:23 pm [Reply]

    @tb4000 (#116):

    MW: Motherfucker, when you strikes a deal with Mary Worth, you’re never in charge. Remembers dat.

    In the immortal words of O’Shea Jackson:

    If the greenbacks don’t stack large on my side of the yard I ain’t fuckin with it
    This cake has got to be all icing baby!
    Now I know I’m taking the biggest piece,
    but god damn I’m the biggest fish with the biggest mouth, bitch.
    You wanna be rich right? Well stick with me, do as I does, and be as I be

    Maybe Mary should give Camus a rest and start quoting more contemporary poets…?

  130. Jim in Wisc.
    January 15th, 2013 at 12:26 pm [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#78):

    And did Andy transform into Sassy by the last panel? Hmmm… maybe Mandrake isn’t the only magician in the comics.

    This may sound like I’ve got some sort of obsessive compulsion about this strip, but I’m pretty sure I’ve seen that exact same panel several times before. They’re probably just C&P’ing the line art and giving it a slightly different coloration each time.

  131. Illustrator Steve
    January 15th, 2013 at 12:30 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#109): “On Friday nights we would get bored, drive down to Fort Lauderdale, beat the snot out of chess players and make them take us to Lum’s.”

    Say, did you go to Evergades Junior High school before moving up to Lantana?

  132. Shrug, Reporting from the Woodshed
    January 15th, 2013 at 12:30 pm [Reply]

    A week or two ago, someone (I think Muffaroo) asked which edition of BARTLETT’S FAMILIAR QUOTATIONS was the first one to include “I saw something nasty in the woodshed” (COLD COMFORT FARM, by Stella Gibbons). Requestor also hoped that someone in a position to answer would “not Shrug off this question.”

    Well, Shrug at the time was away from work for a couple of weeks (jury duty) and while he could do partial research via Hathi Trust full text searching and found out that the 12th edition lacked it and the 14th edition included it, he couldn’t tell one way or the other about the 13th, since Hathi had not processed that one. But Shrug is now back at work at the library (sigh) and can report that:

    “I saw something nasty in the woodshed” is not in the 13th (circa 1955), but is in the 14th (1968).

    Outside of BARTLETT’S itself, it had previous to 1968 appeared in at least two rival quotation dictionaries (maybe more, as again I’m just reporting what I could find via Hathi Trust): the (1960) PENGUIN DICTIONARY OF QUOTATIONS, and the OXFORD DICTIONARY OF QUOTATIONS (Hathi says 1959, but this must be a 1959 reprint of the 1953 “2d edition.”

    Now returning you to your regularly scheduled snarkfest….

  133. Sequitur
    January 15th, 2013 at 12:30 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#117): Oh, yeah. The Javelin was “Royal Yellow” not gold. We dropped a Ford 302 V8 in that baby and it would shut down anything on the highway. A bit of a trick with the transmission linkage but we worked it out. Sold the car to a Plugger who is still driving it today.

  134. Rocky Stoneaxe
    January 15th, 2013 at 12:33 pm [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#124):

    Those antenna hats remind me of Nabisco’s Spoonmen from Outer Space:

    http://www.mrbreakfast.com/ucp/752_535_ucp.jpg

  135. Illustrator Steve
    January 15th, 2013 at 12:36 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#117):

    So, THAT’S the guy who was driving that gold AMC Javelin! That somabitch cut me off one night in the parking lot across from Bahia Mar where we would all gather with our cars on a Friday night. Still got the gold paint on my freakin’ levis!

  136. Nehemiah Scudder
    January 15th, 2013 at 12:39 pm [Reply]

    @Illustrator Steve (#128): Minced oath! I went to Bennett Elementary, and Sunrise Junior High as well. My folks lived on NE 18th St., right by Victoria Park Road.

    The Lum hot dogs were good, but I don’t know if boiling them in beer made any difference. I’ve tried boiling hot dogs in beer, and my conclusion was that it was pretty much just a waste of beer.

  137. Government Cheese
    January 15th, 2013 at 12:40 pm [Reply]

    MW: Oh, this is the beginning of sexual tension at it’s finest. After some pouting and fighting, Mary’s butt will end up in the frosting and Dr. Jeff will walk in. High ribaldry!

  138. Amos Snarkadder
    January 15th, 2013 at 12:44 pm [Reply]

    Luann – Damn, Luann is such a creep! I hope she sees Rosa give Gunther a hand job. That should really screw her up.

  139. Downpuppy, Marker of Snails
    January 15th, 2013 at 12:46 pm [Reply]

    In Dennis’ 2nd Panel the question is indeed asked:

    How the hell can a person
    Go to work in the morning
    Come home in the evening
    And have nothing to say?

  140. Government Cheese
    January 15th, 2013 at 12:48 pm [Reply]

    @Amos Snarkadder (#138): Of course, Rosa would give Gunther a HJ in the library; it’s the only place he feels comfortable doing that sort of thing.

  141. Downpuppy, Marker of Snails
    January 15th, 2013 at 12:48 pm [Reply]

  142. Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol
    January 15th, 2013 at 12:48 pm [Reply]

    @Jeff (#53): Gentlemen, we can rebuild him it. We have the technology. We have the capability to build the world’s first bionic man FUNKY WIKI.

  143. Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol
    January 15th, 2013 at 12:49 pm [Reply]

    @Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol (#142): Ah damn, lame attempt at humor made worse by bad formatting and lack-of-preview.

  144. Shrug, Flipping Out
    January 15th, 2013 at 12:50 pm [Reply]

    @pugfuggly (#27):

    “I’ve read this over 5 times, and I think I’m caught in a logic loop….”

    verso:
    HOW TO KEEP A CURMUDGEON BUSY FOR HOURS — answer on other side of paper

    recto (not prehensile):
    HOW TO KEEP A CURMUDGEON BUSY FOR HOURS — answer on other side of paper

  145. bats :[
    January 15th, 2013 at 12:51 pm [Reply]

  146. McShrug, Sticking to the Point
    January 15th, 2013 at 12:52 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#107):

    I seem to vaguely remember a minor trading stamp called something like “Thrifty Scot.” If so, I imagine they have become forgotten because people kept pasting the Plaid stamps over them.

  147. Walker of Dog
    January 15th, 2013 at 12:53 pm [Reply]

    For your enjoyment, here’s an article in the year-end Economist about online comic strips.

    I haven’t been following the comments recently (stupid job), so this may have been posted already.

    If you’ve read it, read it again – Cake-Decorating Mary commands it!

  148. Spunde
    January 15th, 2013 at 12:54 pm [Reply]

    DtM: Judging by his sportcoat, Henry’s job is Master of Ceremonies at a burlesque show. Naturally Alice waits till Dennis is in bed to ask him what he learned.

  149. Marc
    January 15th, 2013 at 12:54 pm [Reply]

    9CL- Here’s one for your bag of cuss words: Fuck you

  150. Comrade Denny
    January 15th, 2013 at 12:58 pm [Reply]

    @bats :[ (#145): Alas, I misread. So disappointed. I really wanted to see Rusty fisting a bass.

  151. Marc
    January 15th, 2013 at 12:58 pm [Reply]

    A3G- OH MY GOD!! Hips! We’re seeing hips in Apartment 3G?!?! What’s next, a minority in Mark Trail?

    Mark Trail- I know somebody mentioned this yesterday, but I really hope that Rod Bassey’s secret involves dynamite.

  152. Shrug It, Don't Plug It
    January 15th, 2013 at 1:00 pm [Reply]

    In today’s ARLO AND JANIS, Arlo suddenly becomes a Plugger. So sad.

  153. Liam
    January 15th, 2013 at 1:05 pm [Reply]

    Luann-Years down the road when her cat eaten corpse is discovered people will look back on this moment as the start of her descent into being a crazy cat lady.

  154. Gringo
    January 15th, 2013 at 1:12 pm [Reply]

    @Government Cheese (#140): “Willie and the Hand Job” will be the senior class song at Pitts High when Luann and her gaggle of gunthers graduate.

    Hand job, hand job
    Hand job, do that crazy gob!

  155. tallyHO
    January 15th, 2013 at 1:13 pm [Reply]

    @Chareth Cutestory (#11):

    I think that is a great movie. Now, normally, I hate Kurt Russell in anything he’s done at any age that he did* but Big Trouble is a fun movie.

    *I’m looking at you, The Computer Who Wore Tennis Shoes!

  156. Liam
    January 15th, 2013 at 1:14 pm [Reply]

    9CL-And somewhere reading over his stuff for the fifth time today Brooke is using his bag of masturbation.

  157. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    January 15th, 2013 at 1:17 pm [Reply]

    @Shrug, Reporting from the Woodshed (#132): Actually, that wasn’t me. It might have been Scudder, but at this point I’m only guessing.

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#134): I always wondered about that logo. There’s a beautiful version of it on a wall in Holyoke, in the old manufacturing district, fully spelled out (The National Biscuit Company). Did aliens just see it and say “That’s IT!” or what?

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#136): I went to Bennett Elementary for the first week of first grade, only it was in Fort Collins, Colorado.

    @Comrade Denny (#150): I snicker myself into hypoxia when I see a bumper sticker on a car and imagine that it says “I’D RATHER BE FISTING.” Yes, I’m just that juvenile!

  158. Nehemiah Scudder, pondering something nasty
    January 15th, 2013 at 1:18 pm [Reply]

    @Shrug, Reporting from the Woodshed (#132): It was my request, and I thank you for your diligence. It was, indeed, in the 1953 2nd Edition Oxford, as I have that compendious volume in front of me.

    But was it in the 1941 1st Edition Oxford Dictionary of Quotations? This, then, is the question that gnaws my soul, and causes me to speak bitterly to my wife, and to sneer reproachfully at my dog, and possibly lose all faith in the democratic process. Shall we boil our hot dogs in beer, and shall it avail us not?

    // Dave used to quote Albert Camus. (sigh)

  159. tallyHO
    January 15th, 2013 at 1:20 pm [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#120):
    He apparently counts weirdly.
    Dude’s got a time machine.

    Who knows what alpha numerical systems he needs to pull that off.

    He could have some sort of Babylonian Shift keys that blows it all out of Crazy so he can conk around the Space Time Continuum.

    bloop
    bleepity bloop
    dink dink.

    // what if in addition to 26 letters and 10 digits, he’s got a stash of 52-88 extra keys designated to allow him to….hmmm…I gotta write this down.

  160. tallyHO
    January 15th, 2013 at 1:22 pm [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#120):

    in addition, we should honor weird and evil comic book/strip fictional geniuses with awards for their nefariousness. Weirdly should get the Nightmare Valley equivalent of the Nobel Prize, the Furball Prize.

  161. Nehemiah Scudder, pondering something nasty
    January 15th, 2013 at 1:24 pm [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#157): Fort Collins, Fort Lauderdale… it’s the Bennett in our hearts that counts!

  162. tallyHO
    January 15th, 2013 at 1:25 pm [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#134):

    Sooooo….

    Little Red Dudes who like riding the Loving Spoonful….

    I see.

    “The Best Minds of My Generation…”

  163. Larva Dunham
    January 15th, 2013 at 1:27 pm [Reply]

    MW ~ So now MW is Pluggers?! Oy. Enough already.

  164. Comrade Denny
    January 15th, 2013 at 1:27 pm [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#157): I do something similar when people post “FIRST!” on a thread. Anyhoo, let’s get back on topic and discuss Rod B’Assy, champion bass fister.

  165. Dennis Jimenez
    January 15th, 2013 at 1:27 pm [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#162): hope they die before they get old….

  166. Liam
    January 15th, 2013 at 1:31 pm [Reply]

    FW-Don’t say you’re happy. You’ll anger the gods who view that Westview should be the center of misery and depression. They will take your happiness away.

  167. tallyHO
    January 15th, 2013 at 1:31 pm [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#8):

    Henry will live forever because Dead Men Don’t Wear Plaid.

    Mr. Wilson never learned that lesson. May he rest in polkadots!

  168. bbofun
    January 15th, 2013 at 1:36 pm [Reply]

    MW- Did John eat that whole cake after the pool party? He’s looking significantly portlier than before. (Remember, John- there is no “I” in ‘TEAM”- there is, however, and “M” as in “Mary”, and an “E-A-T” which is what she will do to your soul if you mess with her.)

    JP- Here’s hoping Sam’s secretary is just as lax about reporting illegal activities to the authorities (AKA doing your job as officers of the court) as he is!

    ASM- I would love for one cop to respond to JJJ with “Why stop him? He was the victim in all this. The poor, pathetic schlub who did absolutely nothing- nothing at all, except get captured. He’s suffered enough, don’t you think?”

    To which Spidey would say- “Yeah, you tell him! I was completely- wait, what/”
    And everyone can have a good laugh at his expense.

    LUANN- So, for Luann to hear Quill, and vice-versa, in panel 3, wouldn’t Luann’s phone have to be set to “speaker”? Hmm- good thing they’re in a noisy place, or else everyone around would be able to hear. Oh, wait- THEY’RE IN A LIBRARY!

    Oh, and what happened to the time-difference that was so important to this story a few weeks ago? Assuming it’s at least 10:00 am Luann’s time (which is the earliest most high-schoolers would have a “free period”), , it’s midnight (or later) for Quill.

  169. Right Venerable Pasdordan
    January 15th, 2013 at 1:37 pm [Reply]

    @Fashion Police (#119): I sometimes rock a bow tie. Does that make me Henry Mitchell?

    DEAR GOD, DOES THAT MAKE ME HENRY MITCHELL??!!

  170. Right Venerable Pasdordan
    January 15th, 2013 at 1:40 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#133): Ah, but did you have a Fink driving it?

  171. Sequitur
    January 15th, 2013 at 1:40 pm [Reply]

    @Right Venerable Pasdordan (#169):

    Don’t worry. You’re not Henry Mitchell. But you could be this guy.

  172. Shrug, Emulating Stanley Kowalski in Crying "Stella!"
    January 15th, 2013 at 1:42 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder, pondering something nasty (#158):

    “But was it in the 1941 1st Edition Oxford Dictionary of Quotations? ”

    It was not. (I just checked our copy.)

    And before you ask, nor was it in Edward Latham’s FAMOUS SAYINGS AND THEIR AUTHORS, though this may be because Latham published that in 1904 when Stella Gibbons was only two years old.

    Incidentally, I’ve not read the Gibbons biography OUT OF THE WOODSHED, but the author of same (her nephew Reggie Oliver) is perhaps my favorite living writer of ghost stories (and comparable supernatural fiction).

  173. Sequitur
    January 15th, 2013 at 1:42 pm [Reply]

    @Right Venerable Pasdordan (#170): Well, sometimes we’d let Nehemiah Scudder drive it.

  174. seismic-2
    January 15th, 2013 at 1:42 pm [Reply]

    @Government Cheese (#140): Remember than Luann has in fact seen Gunther naked once, and it was indeed in the library. Being naked in a public library is something that is generally not recommended, but then neither is being Gunther, anyplace.

  175. Illustrator Steve
    January 15th, 2013 at 1:43 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#136): “I went to Bennett Elementary and Sunrise Junior High schoo as well.l”

    This IS a small world after all! In 6th grade at Bennett Elementary my class was in a ‘portable’ classroom set on blocks behind the main building. Our 6th grade teacher picked up on my artistic intrests and gave me the tasks of providing the murals for the rest of the kids to add things to, (I.E. a scene with a ten foot long Viking ship where all the other kids simply drew a Viking’s shield to place on the side of the ship, etc.) That kind lady gave me all of her remaining art supplies on the final day of school. To this day I credit her with my pursuit of the arts, illustration and architectural design, (never did pursue the art os spellng very good, sorry). That sixth grade teacher’s name was Mrs. Fairchild. Her and her husband were from Maine and lived aboard their 35 foot Ketch docked at Bahia Mar. The name of their boat was, “Ketch Kat”, the name on their dingy was, “Kaught Kitten”. After the Navy and college we settled in Maine, where my wife is from. Since moving to the southern coast of Maine in 1976 I often thought about trying to locate Mrs. Fairchild and to let her know how much I appreciated her influence and also to let her know that I ended up in Maine of all places, the state she was from. I regret not pursuing that because just last year I finally thought to look her up on the computer and actually found her obituary. It turns out when she retired she moved to the west coast of Florida for the winters and would live in Maine during the summer until her death in 2011 at the ripe old age of 101 years old! A lesson to others, just like when I visited an old Mainer who I bought many antiques from. He was 92 when I told him I’d stop by again sometime. He said, “Well, don’t wait to long!” ….he died the following month.
    Now, don’t tell me you had Mrs. Fairchild as a teacher at Bennett Elementary. If you do I’ll buy a plane ticket just to shake your hand!

  176. seismic-2
    January 15th, 2013 at 1:50 pm [Reply]

    The preceding exchange brings this to mind…

  177. Government Cheese
    January 15th, 2013 at 1:51 pm [Reply]

    @Gringo (#154): This song belongs in the “Hey Boy” album.

  178. Liam
    January 15th, 2013 at 1:52 pm [Reply]

    MW-”Remember there is no “I” in team. There is however an “M” and an “E” which spells “me” which refers to me in this instance. There is nothing that refers to you,” Mary.

  179. Sequitur
    January 15th, 2013 at 1:53 pm [Reply]

    @Illustrator Steve (#175): Sometimes you find them. I looked up a teacher from High School who happened to be in a assisted living facility in Belle Glade, Florida. I came to see him and said, “Mr. Jenkins, do you rememeber me?” His eyes got big and he said, “Sequitur! You know there was something I always wanted to give you when you were my student. I’ll give it to you now.” He then decked me. The old coot packed quite a wallop in his punch.

  180. Comrade Denny
    January 15th, 2013 at 1:54 pm [Reply]

    @Liam (#166):

    Don’t say you’re happy. You’ll anger the gods who view that Westview should be the center of misery and depression. They will take your happiness away.

    Funky Winkerbean is rather like an ancient Greek tragedy that way, if Greek tragedies contained no heroes, no punishment for characters who display actual hubris (as opposed to those whose “hubris” consists of being fleetingly happy), and consisted entirely of arbitrary downfall after arbitrary downfall.

    @bbofun (#168):

    Did John eat that whole cake after the pool party?

    Probably. No one else would want to eat something that looked like someone mixed Crisco, sugar, and cornstarch in a 50-gallon drum of pink DayGlo, let it set, and called it “cake.”

  181. bbofun
    January 15th, 2013 at 1:54 pm [Reply]

    PIBGORN- So, Brooke has fallen victim to what in the comic-book world is called “writing for the trades”- meaning the collected editions. In comic books, this results in every story-line needing to be 4-7 issues long- this lets the publishers put out a collected version of those issues that’s big enough that the buyer won’t feel ripped off spending money for it. Unfortunately, although this can result in great, epic stories, it also can mean a lot of padding when a not-so-good writer is involved. Some stories really only need one or two issues to be told.

    In Brooke’s case, what we see now is, basically, one page of a story he’s creating to be read in one sitting. That’s why, sometimes, all we get is an image like this- which tells us next-to-nothing. Again, when well-done, this can still work- but this isn’t well-done. It’s a picture that tells no story- and isn’t even intriguing. Yes, tomorrow (or the next day) (or weeks from now) we’ll find out what is happening- but this doesn’t make me wonder “What’s going on?”- it just makes me go “What the hell?”

    Brooke would probably say that writing like this is in the tradition of Dickens- serial stories, told a bit at ta time. The difference is (other than he ain’t Dickens) that each part of a serial story is full of answers and questions- resolutions and set-ups. For comic books, this means each issue still has to tell a story- but one that is part of a greater whole, which means some things will go unresolved. For serial strips, it means each day should be entertaining in and of itself- and, with luck, actually advance the story.

    That’s why we get frustrated with some soap strips- they’ll take an entire week (I’m looking at you, Mary Worth) showing us a conversation that keeps going over the same ground. It’s not that the points being made aren’t interesting, and germane to the story- it’s that WE GET IT! The excuse for that is, of course, that someone might miss a day. but with Brooke, that’s not the problem- it’s that he’s pacing his story for a collected edition, rather than daily publishing.

    Wow, that got out of hand quickly, didn’t it? Ah, well…

  182. bbofun
    January 15th, 2013 at 1:56 pm [Reply]

  183. Red Greenback
    January 15th, 2013 at 1:56 pm [Reply]

    I hope Avery remembers to wet his hands before he handles his trout bum.

  184. Government Cheese
    January 15th, 2013 at 1:59 pm [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#174): Ah yes, I remember now that Gunther has a history of library nudity. In fact everything regarding the library and books is sexually related (I will reference his wormcock outfit). So indeed, Gunther is somehow having some encounter with Rosa in the library.

    I have already put too much effort into thinking about this, and am off to the bar to drink until I forget all this.

  185. Nehemiah Scudder
    January 15th, 2013 at 2:00 pm [Reply]

  186. Nehemiah Scudder
    January 15th, 2013 at 2:01 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#185): I think I know how you did that!

  187. Old Folkie
    January 15th, 2013 at 2:07 pm [Reply]

    @Ned Ryerson (#115): Loved it! esp. the R.E.M. quote.

  188. Old Folkie
    January 15th, 2013 at 2:08 pm [Reply]

    @Downpuppy, Marker of Snails (#139): As long as it’s an Angel from Montgomery, and not an angel from McEldowney…

  189. Illustrator Steve
    January 15th, 2013 at 2:09 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#186): Right, I guess I clicked when I should have clacked.
    Pretty cool though to now know how to get the entire comment underlined and draw everyone’s attention to our chit chat…except for Avatrix, she doesn’t believe one word of it.

  190. Rocky Stoneaxe
    January 15th, 2013 at 2:12 pm [Reply]

    @bbofun (#182):

    @Right Venerable Pasdordan (#169): Bow ties are cool.

    You know who else wears bow ties?

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Playboy_Bunny

  191. HCV
    January 15th, 2013 at 2:16 pm [Reply]

    “…any fleeting moment of happiness will immediately be destroyed by the hateful God of Sadness who rules over all.”

    You may jest and hope, even pray, this is not true in meatspace, but in the Funkyverse, this is actually the case.

    They have but one creator, and his name is Tom, and he is a cruel and capricious god indeed. Just ask John Darling — oh wait, you can’t.

  192. tallyHO
    January 15th, 2013 at 2:20 pm [Reply]

    @Stroker Ace (#121):

    You mean her “mid-day workout” that allows her to maintain her girlish figure?

    //noooooooooooooooooo! thassowrong!

  193. I speak Jive
    January 15th, 2013 at 2:21 pm [Reply]

    Pluggers – What is the reader’s reaction supposed to be to this? Are we supposed to feel admiration? Inspiration? I thought it was depressing.

    @Comrade Denny (#180): Actually, the current Mary Worth story has the makings of a Greek tragedy. The cake-designing friend is displaying too much pride in himself, and it is only a short step to hubris.

  194. Alison
    January 15th, 2013 at 2:25 pm [Reply]

    “Luann”: Luann is practically wetting her pants with excitement because Gunther and Rosa are reading together. Damn, Luann, how boring is your life. At least Quill has the sense to be sarcastic about the situation (well, I *think* he’s being sarcastic).

    “Mary Worth”: Uh-oh. UH-OH. John Dill, you have made a very bad mistake. You put yourself ahead of Mary Worth. Now you will pay with constant platitudes, lecturing, and meddling until you learn your lesson.

  195. tallyHO
    January 15th, 2013 at 2:25 pm [Reply]

    @Mardou Fox (#112):

    Seeing him out of his UPS uniform made me feel funny!

    C’mon now. We can’t always expect Mark Trail to deliver.
    If Rusty has taught us one thing, it is that Mark only comes through with taking on bad guys in the middle of anywhere except his home.

    If Rusty has taught us more than one thing then count me as not understanding the Mighty Morphing Pinocchio Lessons he’s demonstrated over the years.

  196. Nehemiah Scudder
    January 15th, 2013 at 2:26 pm [Reply]

    @Illustrator Steve (#175): the name on their dingy was, “Kaught Kitten”.

    Of course, the dinghy was cat-rigged.

  197. Atheist amongst the flock
    January 15th, 2013 at 2:28 pm [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#190): I have an original Playboy Club membership card for the club in Baltimore as part of my cultural artifacts collection.

  198. Calico
    January 15th, 2013 at 2:29 pm [Reply]

    @Comrade Denny (#1):
    Either that, or a moonlighting Prawn star.

  199. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    January 15th, 2013 at 2:32 pm [Reply]

  200. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    January 15th, 2013 at 2:35 pm [Reply]

    @bbofun (#168): Hmm- good thing they’re in a noisy place, or else everyone around would be able to hear. Oh, wait- THEY’RE IN A LIBRARY!

    Not only that, but Luann specifically states that they are in a “Quiet Corner” of the library – not a common area where it might somehow be possible to miss someone standing a few feet away and holding their phone at arm’s length while conversing via speaker.

    And, yes, it is quite con-veeeen-ient the way that the time differential went from being a central plot point to being completely forgotten.

  201. Illustrator Steve
    January 15th, 2013 at 2:40 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#196): “cat-rigged”

    Good one. Mrs.Fairchild took our entire 6th grade class to her Ketch one day as a field trip. Pretty brave thing for her to do with a pack of about twenty 11 year olds! No one fell in as I recall. I also recall you mentioning once how you would ride your bike over to Bahia Mar to watch the charter fishng boats come in and hang their catch up for everyone to see, so you may appresciate this…
    One day, probably around 1972 or ’73, the Ft. Lauderdale Sun Sentinal had this big photo of two guys standing on the cement dock at Bahia Mar while showing off the sailfish or marlin or shark they had caught. The funny part is, the news editior must have been Bill Ellis because the missed a very important thing by printing that photo in the newspaper. One of the guys in the picture was wearing a T-shirt that had a cartoon drawing of two turds standing there shaking hands with each other. The caption on the shirt said, “GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER!” Funny as heck! (…Believe it, Aviatrix, it’s the gospel TRUTH!)

  202. tallyHO
    January 15th, 2013 at 2:40 pm [Reply]

    @I speak Jive (#193):
    story has the makings of a Greek tragedy.

    The cosmic ramifications are going to be rich, ain’t it?

    He could try to have his cake and cheat on it, too.

    He could be assaulted by a mob of angry pie throwers.

    He could find himself leaving Santa Royale, walking down a long, lonely road while carrying one his his prized cakes and while whistling a sad lament which would be forever known as the “Cakewalk Death March”.

    He could get whipped up in a fury and try to force Doctor Jeff to jump out of the closet and into the cake…the cake batter, that is. Because John Dill loves to lick the ladle!
    ——
    He could find that the “icing on the cake” suddenly has a completely different meaning and no longer denotes for him the “creme de la creme”. Instead the phrase comes to mean as much as the peel-able frosting that you can take off of a Ding Dong. You know what I’m talking about. That thin layer of chocolate sweetness which just sits atop a Ding Dong cake and that is divided into asymmetry by a swirl of white frosting.

    Basically, when the winners of this competition are announced, not only will John Dill “flip his lid” and his toupee will fly off and land on top of his cake, but he will lose his mind because he loses the competition. He will blame Mary for his loss, of course. But, he will not strike against her or against Doctor Jeff. Instead, he will peel off his layer and get stark naked and run around the cake competition showcase of cakes.

    From that point on, “icing on the cake” will be that thin veneer between sanity and madness; the mask or veil which prevents us from seeing the cah-raaaaazy! We’ll begin calling it the “Dill-ipus Complex”.

  203. Comrade Denny
    January 15th, 2013 at 2:42 pm [Reply]

    @I speak Jive (#193) & @tallyHO (#202): And Mary, of course, is the vengeful goddess who will bring about his downfall whilst a chorus of Charterstone residents wail platitudes in dactylic trimeter.

  204. commodorejohn
    January 15th, 2013 at 2:45 pm [Reply]

    So now we know what Mary and John Dill will be fighting over. Any bets on how long it will be before the angry, angry sex?

  205. Comrade Denny
    January 15th, 2013 at 2:49 pm [Reply]

    @commodorejohn (#204):

    Any bets on how long it will be before the angry, angry sex?

    With lots of fisting? frosting? frosted fisting?

  206. Right Venerable Pasdordan
    January 15th, 2013 at 2:58 pm [Reply]

    @bbofun (#182): Bow ties are not cool. They may be fashionable these days, they may even be sporting, but the one thing they are not is cool. Unless it’s Malcolm X or Denzel Washington playing Malcolm X. Then they’re cool.

  207. hogenmogen
    January 15th, 2013 at 3:01 pm [Reply]

    @sporknpork (#3): Non-friable asbestos is relatively safe if you don’t deliberately mangle it. Lead poisoning is a real thing, and I’m rooting for radon gas to seep through the floorboards. Maybe the carpet will have been doused in formaldehyde, or purchased cheap as a second hand remnant from a mercury factory. With all those unseen carcinogens floating around, it’s hard to grow toxic mold in the walls, but with a little effort, it could stand a spore-ting chance.

  208. Liam
    January 15th, 2013 at 3:03 pm [Reply]

    @Comrade Denny (#180):

    Your Funky Winkerbean is COTW worthy.

  209. Nehemiah Scudder
    January 15th, 2013 at 3:04 pm [Reply]

    @Illustrator Steve (#201): I used to race an Optimist pram in the yacht basin north of Bahia Mar, in regular club regattas. Not too successfully, I must say, though it was a lot of fun. This was back when everyone built their boats themselves from plywood. My dad was a great believer in over-engineering stuff. If the plans called for eighth inch plywood, he used quarter inch. Every bit of wood, every fitting, similarly enhanced, and double re-enforced. I had by far the heaviest, albeit strongest boat in the club flotilla. This dinghy could have wintered over in an arctic expedition.

    // The boat still exists. I expect it will be sailing a hundred years from now, and then collapse, all at once, into soggy sawdust, like the Deacon’s wonderful one horse shay,

  210. hogenmogen
    January 15th, 2013 at 3:05 pm [Reply]

    @Right Venerable Pasdordan (#206): Yes, it appears as if Mr. Mitchell has updated his tie, although not his jacket or 1960s era briefcase. A 21st century businessman would have the shoulder strapped laptop bag as an accessory. Even I do that, and I don’t even have a laptop.

  211. Liam
    January 15th, 2013 at 3:05 pm [Reply]

    MW-What pressure? All you have to do is what Mary says and she’ll let the rest of your family go.

  212. Northern lurker
    January 15th, 2013 at 3:06 pm [Reply]

    MW: could somebody please tell me what Mary brings to thist.
    Baking skills? Please the only food she ever makes is beige an unreconizable.
    Competive sklls? In what, meddling?
    And there is no I in team, but there is one in win.

  213. Gringo
    January 15th, 2013 at 3:10 pm [Reply]

    A Funky little ditty:

    If you’re happy and you know it, wrap your hands
    Wrap your hands around your neck and squeeze like mad
    If you’re happy and you know it
    Go to Westview and transpose it
    If you’re happy and you know it, well, you’re doomed.

  214. Mr Frog
    January 15th, 2013 at 3:11 pm [Reply]

    DT: What secret has Professor Hinkley dredged up which had lain buried at the bottom of a flooded town for over half a century? Is it…
    (a) A long-forgotten piece of crucial evidence which will fuel the next month or so of wacky crime hijinks
    (b) A highly-valuable MacGuffin object that will fuel the next month or so of wacky crime hijinks
    (c) An ancient Chinese kwanxoi
    (d) The last known Gasoline Alley strip to be amusing
    (e) Mary Worth’s shrivelled, blackened, still-beating heart, along with an obsidian dagger and set of instructions
    Stay tuned to find out!

  215. hogenmogen
    January 15th, 2013 at 3:11 pm [Reply]

    @Liam (#178): There is no “I” in “team”, but there is an “I” in “equipo”, which is “team” en Espanol. But then again, “I” in Spanish is “yo”. Does that make it a better justification or worse?

    I don’t see a lot of hoopola made over Dill’s feindish plans. He said that it would be a tribute to nature, but all he’s got is some generic boxy crap with a few dots. My six year old daughter would love it to be pink. Everything is cool with piiiiinkk!

  216. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    January 15th, 2013 at 3:17 pm [Reply]

    There may not be an “I” in “team”, but there is definitely a “you” in “Fuck You”!

  217. Chareth Cutestory
    January 15th, 2013 at 3:20 pm [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#155): Don’t dismiss Escape from L.A.! Featuring some of the best CGI available in the year 1996.

  218. Nehemiah Scudder
    January 15th, 2013 at 3:21 pm [Reply]

    @Mr Frog (#214): Dave used to have an ancient Chinese kwanxoi. (sigh)

  219. Nehemiah Scudder
    January 15th, 2013 at 3:26 pm [Reply]

    @Illustrator Steve (#201): I think at one point we could have tied this conversation to comics through some connection to Pigporn’s use of swords… but I’m sure we can make this on topic somehow, it just escapes me at the moment.

    It’s like the old movie trope, “Based on a true story.” Right. ALL stories are based, however remotely, on true stories.

    // If we can work slide rules into it, everything will be jake.

  220. fahrenheit451
    January 15th, 2013 at 3:33 pm [Reply]

    MT How many broken promises before Rusty finally takes the hint that Mark’s just not that interested?

  221. Red Greenback
    January 15th, 2013 at 3:33 pm [Reply]

    There is no “I” in “team”, but there is a “DOA” in “Aldo”.

  222. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    January 15th, 2013 at 3:34 pm [Reply]

    MT: “I’d like to know how he does it”—”it” being, of course, “going fishing without others responding by fleeing the state.”

    And should we place our bets on the plot outcome?
    a) Rusty is disappointed.
    b) Rusty is in peril.
    c) Sassy comes, too.

  223. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    January 15th, 2013 at 3:36 pm [Reply]

    Comedy-but-not-comics query: If anyone is interested in driving from the DC area to Baltimore for the Josh show in a couple weeks, send me an email at bourbonbabeunbuckled@yahoo.com. I’d like to go but would rather not drive to Baltimore by myself.

  224. Illustrator Steve
    January 15th, 2013 at 3:38 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#209): I remember those little sail boats! Back in those days down there in Ft. La_de_dah I knew a kid who built one. His had a bow that was shaped like the stern but narrower. Now I’m beginning to wonder if the name “Optimis Pram” had anything to do with the naming of the Transformers lead caracter, “Optimus Prime”.
    ….I’m also beginning to wonder WHy I haven’t got a heck of a lot done today on this spa center I’m designing for a client. Probably because talking about this stuff with you is way more fun!

  225. Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol
    January 15th, 2013 at 3:39 pm [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#222): I’m guessing that MT has a story cycle — much like the 11-year sunspot cycle, or “Curtis”. But, it isn’t as easy to spot.

    I’m guessing we’re in for a “Rusty in Peril” story. My bet is that Rusty is used as chum bait in this episode.

  226. Illustrator Steve
    January 15th, 2013 at 3:41 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#209): THAT’S IT! Rusty Trail needs to buid a Optimis Pram! Of course he’d have to build it all by himself, but think of it, he’d be sailing circles around that mean old Mark Trail during the entire bass fishing tournament. That is, unless Mark were to cast his deadly lure at him and snag his tiller!!

  227. Sequitur
    January 15th, 2013 at 3:46 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#219): Sir, you have lauded the fine qualities of the slide rule but we have not heard from you expounding possible merits of pocket calculators. Perhaps you agree with this gentleman.

  228. Sequitur
    January 15th, 2013 at 3:48 pm [Reply]

    @Illustrator Steve (#226):

    “Snag his tiller!” Is that what the young people are calling it these days?

  229. Liam
    January 15th, 2013 at 3:49 pm [Reply]

    @Mr Frog (#214):

    I’m hoping for something of Lovecraftian horror.

  230. Liam
    January 15th, 2013 at 3:51 pm [Reply]

    MT-Rusty, how would you love spending the entire fishing tournament hanging out at the hot dog stand while me and Rod Bassy have off the wall adventures because that is what you are going to do.

  231. Rocky Stoneaxe
    January 15th, 2013 at 3:55 pm [Reply]

    @Northern lurker (#212):

    Mary’s is the face that launched a thousand shits ships.

  232. Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol
    January 15th, 2013 at 3:55 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#227): My personal preference is for a TI-33 and a CRC Handbook. However, I have been known to use a rule (aka flight calculator) on occasion.

  233. Liam
    January 15th, 2013 at 3:56 pm [Reply]

    DT-In his house at R’lyeh, dead Cthulhu waits dreaming.

  234. Voshkod
    January 15th, 2013 at 3:57 pm [Reply]

    @Liam (#229): Given the way the DT artists traditionally draw their villains, haven’t you had enough Lovecraftian horror already?

  235. Illustrator Steve
    January 15th, 2013 at 3:58 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#209): Just north of the Bahia Mar marina complex, (no to far from the T. Rading Company in a nearby city in the southern part of the state), you of course know the Las Olas bridge? Well, one day back in 1956? 57? our 5th grade class took a field trip on the Jungle Queen. (the old single deck Jungle Queen, not the newer dinner cruise riverboat). We didn’t get to go to the fake indian village, just a run up and down the Intercoastal. At the time they were constructing the new Las Olas bridge (up until then it was an old swing bridge). The boat, loaded with all of us kids from Bennett Elementary, passed beneath the Las Olas bridge construction msite and continued north. As we got about 300 or 400 yards up the waterway there was a huge explosion behind us back at the bridge. We found out later it was a terrible accident where some poor sole carrying some dinamite was killed. I wonder if many people remember that.

  236. Liam
    January 15th, 2013 at 3:58 pm [Reply]

    Better Half-”And neither does these ‘Love Is’ mugs that we are drinking the lemonade out of.”

    Love Is-But she has nothing to wear.

  237. Nehemiah Scudder
    January 15th, 2013 at 3:58 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#227): Now that is a fine rant!

  238. Liam
    January 15th, 2013 at 3:59 pm [Reply]

    @Voshkod (#234):

    I don’t really read Dick Tracy. I might with this story.

  239. Artist formerly known as Ben
    January 15th, 2013 at 3:59 pm [Reply]

    @Doctor Handsome (#17): Oh dear God, don’t tell me he’s work friends with George Wilson. I mean, if you were going to draw Ron Jeremy into a 50s cartoon, Wilson is pretty much what you’d end up with.

  240. Illustrator Steve
    January 15th, 2013 at 4:04 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#228): “Snag his tiller. Is that what the young people are calling it these days?”

    I don’t know, but it might be enough info for the Lost Forest Children’s services and canoe rental facility to finally do something about that damn Mark Trail guy!

  241. Illustrator Steve
    January 15th, 2013 at 4:07 pm [Reply]

    @Liam (#230): (Rusty answers): “If they have Lum’s hot dogs steamed in beer, HELL, yeah! fishing? We don neeeed no stinking FISHING! Pass the hot dogs!”

  242. Artist formerly known as Ben
    January 15th, 2013 at 4:09 pm [Reply]

    @Jeff (#53): Funky Wikibean is drab and bereft of any article of interest. It seems like somebody had a vague idea to start a Funky Winkerbean wiki, but was too depressed and lethargic to actually do it.

    //In other words, it’s perfect!

  243. Illustrator Steve
    January 15th, 2013 at 4:12 pm [Reply]

    MT – from this moment forward Doc will continue to answer questions by only saying, NO! He’s probably outside!” And Rusty will answer questions by saying, “FISHING? Weee don neeeed no stginking FISHING!” (Now watch, MARK my words, Jackelrod will show us an illustration of Rusty wearing a sombrero!)

  244. Nehemiah Scudder
    January 15th, 2013 at 4:13 pm [Reply]

    @Illustrator Steve (#224): The Optimist club used to give away plans for the pram. I don’t know if they still do. Being basically rectangular, the boats are very stable, and were specifically designed to be built from two 4×8 sheets of plywood. (Plus various bits of scantling). The mast was, literally, a closet rod.

    Very inexpensive. I’m tempted, now that I think of it, to build another one myself.

  245. hogenmogen
    January 15th, 2013 at 4:15 pm [Reply]

    MT:

    Even on my favorite river
    He can catch more trout
    Catfish leads him in
    He just plucks them out

    He’s got crazy reeling fingers
    The pound scale counts his haul
    Can’t catch me a bone fish
    ROD BASSY CAUGHT THEM ALL

    How do you think he does it?
    I don’t know!
    What makes Rod so good?

  246. Illustrator Steve
    January 15th, 2013 at 4:15 pm [Reply]

    MT Rusty needs to work on his pronunciation, it’s STINKING, Rusty, not STGINKING! Stiginking sounds like some sort of Russian board game!

  247. hogenmogen
    January 15th, 2013 at 4:17 pm [Reply]

    MW: WE’ll be a team. Just like this two-pack of toilet tissue.

    Dill: Wha.. NO! YOU SQUEEZED THE CHARMIN! Mary, I hate to say this, but .. I think you should leave now. No! Don’t say a word… just.. you have to leave. *sniff* My Charmin! *sob*

  248. Comrade Denny
    January 15th, 2013 at 4:19 pm [Reply]

    @Illustrator Steve (#246): You stiginked my brattleschnorp!

  249. Illustrator Steve
    January 15th, 2013 at 4:28 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#244): The Optimist’s club! That must be the reason why the neighbor kid I knew built the Opimius pram. His father was in the Optimist’s club and probably got the plans and everything! One day my dad brought home a pair of brand new Go-Cart wheels, no axels, no plans, no materials, no knowledge of Briggs and Straton engines, just a bright shiny new pair of Go-Cart wheels, not four, just one pair. He told me I had to come up with the reat of it if I wanted a Go-Cart. Life can be bitterly cruel sometimes. But I fixed him, I got an old plywood bottom from a rotted rowboat, a bunch of stuff, including a seat, from an old Beechcraft airplane that crashed at the end of the Bradly field airport runway directly behind our house (NW 14th ave,) and with the help of a couple of my neigborhood “greaser” friends, installed a lawn mower engine on it and ran it (only one time) up and down the street. I was 13 years old. I have an old black and white picture of it, my first hot rod!

  250. giraffe-o
    January 15th, 2013 at 4:28 pm [Reply]

    MW : John’s cake-designing career will be cut woefully (mercifully?) short by the stroke he’s suffering in panel 2.

  251. Comrade Denny
    January 15th, 2013 at 4:46 pm [Reply]

    @giraffe-o (#250): Remember, this is Mary Worth, so if John Dill really were to have stroke, it will only serve to double his determination to become a cake decorating tycoon, which in turn will double the length of this story line.

  252. tallyHO
    January 15th, 2013 at 4:53 pm [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#231):

    Diarrhea Mary?

  253. tallyHO
    January 15th, 2013 at 4:56 pm [Reply]

    @Comrade Denny (#251):

    He’ll probably die after the storyline is over and Mary and the Gang will hear about it well after the fact that a drunken pickle truck driver plowed into him as John Dill was canned from his latest contest.

    That pickled truck driver will look like Mr. Greenjeans. (mainly because he’d be wearing jeans that are green as a part of his uniform as a pickle truck driver).

  254. tallyHO
    January 15th, 2013 at 4:57 pm [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#253):

    And by the way, if any of you are familiar with drunken pickles, then you know they are the bread and butter of cucumbers.

  255. Comrade Denny
    January 15th, 2013 at 5:10 pm [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#253): Will the pickled pickle driver pucker-up and plant a peck on on Mary’s pouty profile, or will Jeff get all prickly and punch the pokey puker in the pecker first?

  256. demoncat
    January 15th, 2013 at 5:14 pm [Reply]

    mw. keep saying to yourself john that you are the head of team when deep down you know mary is for she takes a back seat to no one ever.

  257. Raghead the Fiendly Neighbourhood Terrorist
    January 15th, 2013 at 5:14 pm [Reply]

    Good moaning merry people, good moaning from my bed
    Awake since something past one and itching inside my head.
    Your Reverence, Mr Scudder, what would you do
    If your dog trampled you awake at a quarter to two?
    She didn’t want in she said; out she’d go
    And went out and came in five times in a row
    Now she’s asleep – her snores reverberate
    While her dad lies here pondering the cruelty of fate.
    My self-diagnosis, if I might be so bold
    Is that once again I’m coming down with a cold.
    A sneeze a personal tragedy: a million a wheeze
    Inside a burning chest and viruses in the breeze.
    Good moaning my friends; have a good day
    Or don’t if you want – that’s all I have to say.

  258. Inexplicable Bear Tongue
    January 15th, 2013 at 5:29 pm [Reply]

    MW: Why that’s… that’s the same cake he made last time! In fact, I think we’ve seen that cake passed off three times as a “design”. It’s rapidly becoming a metaphor for how variety in one’s life is an illusion. You always get grape jelly.

  259. markytom
    January 15th, 2013 at 5:33 pm [Reply]

    MW: Don’t know if this has been covered by John Dill never asked Mary for her help – Mary thrust herself upon him and into the cake contest. He is merely a victim and will soon feel the pain of “teamwork” with our meddling friend Mary.

  260. tallyHO
    January 15th, 2013 at 5:50 pm [Reply]

    @Comrade Denny (#255):

    ^ Impeccably played.

    Impeccably played poppycock, that is!

    Doctor Jeff’s pastry puffer paranoia will perpetuate a precarious predicament after the pastry puffer is plowed by the pickled pickle trucker.
    Mary’s pouty profile prevents possibility of performance peckering on the part of the pickled pickle trucker.
    Prickly Jeff’s potential paunch poking is perhaps best described as fore-play, a prelude to him putting his pickle in the pokey, for less than practical purposes.

    Perhaps this is the pastry puffer’s revenge played large.

    Mary’s state of romantic involvement remains in a petrified position while Prickly Jeff, a proctologist, perhaps?, applies his pickle pokery in places reserved for professionals.

    The more prominent query is: Will the pickled pickle trucker get popped for plowing the pastry puffer?

  261. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    January 15th, 2013 at 6:01 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#196): Of course, the dinghy was cat-rigged.
    What! no catamaran?

    @tallyHO (#260): P… p… p… p…
    Something in my eye here.

  262. Uncle Lumpy
    January 15th, 2013 at 6:05 pm [Reply]

    @Red Greenback (#221):

    … there is a “DOA” in “Aldo”.

    Wow, how long you been sitting on that one? That’s some kind of restraint, right there.

  263. Anagroans
    January 15th, 2013 at 6:13 pm [Reply]

    @Uncle Lumpy (#262): There’s also a MARTYR in Mary Worth.

  264. Uncle Lumpy
    January 15th, 2013 at 6:15 pm [Reply]

    Life imitates Mark Trail: “Mike Trout snags 550-pound grouper at Key West“.

  265. Nehemiah Scudder
    January 15th, 2013 at 6:18 pm [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#261): What! no catamaran?

    Hey, it was a tender for a small ketch, yawl.

  266. Droopy Says
    January 15th, 2013 at 6:21 pm [Reply]

    @Right Venerable Pasdordan (#169): DEAR GOD, DOES THAT MAKE ME HENRY MITCHELL??!!

    There’s a quick and easy test for Mitchellism: Is your son a melonhead who can choose to be a pain in the ass? (Okay, the test is neither quick nor easy. It can take weeks to spot the differences between the Keane and Mitchell offspring.)

  267. tallyHO
    January 15th, 2013 at 6:22 pm [Reply]

  268. tallyHO
    January 15th, 2013 at 6:24 pm [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#267):
    HOW?

    //i overlooked the W the first time.

    How Martyr-y of Mary to Matter so much.

  269. tallyHO
    January 15th, 2013 at 6:27 pm [Reply]

    @Droopy Says (#266):

    I always have and always will look at Dennis (The Menace) and Calvin (of And Hobbes) as only childs whose lot in life requires an anthem.
    The Beastie Boys “Fight for Your Right…”

    The Keane kids probably have some Harry Niellson anthem that involves some song that signifies “they are all in it together”.

  270. Peanut Gallery
    January 15th, 2013 at 6:58 pm [Reply]

    RMMD – “No more buwwets? Hey, laughing boy, no more buwwets!”

  271. Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket
    January 15th, 2013 at 7:02 pm [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#75): I do rather suspect that any plotting McE does ahead of time is minimal at best. What he calls “following the whims of the muse” most people call “flying by the seat of one’s pants,” or, more vulgarly, “making up shit as you go.”

  272. Red Greenback
    January 15th, 2013 at 7:17 pm [Reply]

    @Uncle Lumpy (#262): Actually, I kinda blurted that one out without much forethought. The fully fleshed-out comment should have been:
    Remember John, there is no “I” in “team”, but there is a “DOA” in “Aldo”. Capisce?

  273. NonnyMus
    January 15th, 2013 at 7:30 pm [Reply]

    Technically only bipolar disorder is a roller coaster. Depression is a long slide, mania is an out of control rocket and schizophrenia is a roomful of angry, noisy midgets throwing gumdrops and shuriken at each other while dancing the merengue.

    You’re welcome!

  274. Amos Snarkadder, CQB
    January 15th, 2013 at 7:45 pm [Reply]

    @Government Cheese (#184): @Government Cheese (#140):

    Of course, Rosa would give Gunther a HJ in the library; it’s the only place he feels comfortable doing that sort of thing. In fact everything regarding the library and books is sexually related

    Dick in a book.
    A girl like Rosa needs somethin’ real
    Gunther got you somethin’ from the heart
    Somethin’ special, girl
    It’s his dick in a book, his dick in a book, girl
    It’s his dick in a book, his dick in a book, girl
    See, he’s wise enough to know when a gift needs givin’ (Rosa!)
    And he’s got just the one, somethin’ to show ya that you are second to none
    To all the fellas out there with ladies to impress
    It’s easy to do just follow these steps:
    1: Cut a hole in a book
    2: Put your junk in that book
    3: Make her open the book
    And that’s the way you do it
    It’s his dick in a book…his dick in a book, girl
    It’s his dick in a book, his dick in a book, girl

  275. Sequitur
    January 15th, 2013 at 7:56 pm [Reply]

    @Amos Snarkadder, CQB (#274): Oh, great. Now I’ll be humming that little earworm all evening.

    …dick in a book… la, la, la, la…

  276. Aviatrix
    January 15th, 2013 at 8:23 pm [Reply]

    @Illustrator Steve (#79 & #201): I’m not sure I’ve earned the designation of ‘Mudgeon Least Likely to Believe Onion-Belted Drivel’ any more fairly than Marmaduke or Rex Morgan have taken on their respective reputations here, but seeing as you’ll be eternally yclept ‘Guy Why Can’t Type </a>’ I might as well roll with it. McEldowney was planning to draw something other than fairy torture porn, but when he realized what was expected of him here, he didn’t want to disappoint anyone.

  277. Sgt. Stoned
    January 15th, 2013 at 8:35 pm [Reply]

    MT: Rusty, do you want to go to a bass fishing tournament with me? Ha-Ha. Just kidding!

  278. Beanie Wanker
    January 15th, 2013 at 8:35 pm [Reply]

    FW: Since Tommy Batcrazy thinks The Universe will strike you down if it finds out you are happy, let me say this loudly enough for The Universe to hear:

    TOM BATIUK OF MEDINA, OHIO, I HOPE YOU HAVE A HAPPY DAY!!!

  279. Gladly, the cross-eyed bear
    January 15th, 2013 at 8:40 pm [Reply]

    Optimist Pram: What Southerners call the leader of the Transformers.

  280. Liam
    January 15th, 2013 at 8:45 pm [Reply]

    MW-I love Dill’s pose in that last panel. He looks so supplicant. “Of course, Mary. You are correct. Please forgive me this outburst.”

  281. Aviatrix
    January 15th, 2013 at 8:47 pm [Reply]

    I thought the Jumble app was stuck, because it wouldn’t let me enter my answer to the riddle, and then I realized that it hadn’t accepted my answer for the first one, even though it’s a valid word, Once I took the letter off the beginning and put it on the end to get another valid word, it all worked out. That’s the first time I’ve had that problem, but I don’t do the Jumble that much.

  282. Aviatrix
    January 15th, 2013 at 9:02 pm [Reply]

    Crankshaft: Seaweed is a source of vitamin C comparable to lemons. (I’m not going to do it myself, but I’m certain a comparison can be made).

  283. Droopy Says
    January 15th, 2013 at 9:06 pm [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#269): For the Keane Kids, the anthem must be “It’s A Small World After All,” repeated ad diabetesam.

  284. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    January 15th, 2013 at 9:31 pm [Reply]

    @Droopy Says (#283): …the anthem must be “It’s A Small World After All,” repeated ad diabetesam.
    A diebetesam. That would be, two, maybe three times.

  285. Right Venerable Pasdordan
    January 15th, 2013 at 9:41 pm [Reply]

    @Droopy Says (#266): Pain in the arse? Oh my, yes. Melonhead? No, praise Jeebus!

  286. Nehemiah Scudder
    January 15th, 2013 at 9:43 pm [Reply]

    Slylock Fox: We are all interested in the future, for that is where you and I are going to spend the rest of our lives. And remember my friend, future events such as these will affect you in the future. You are interested in the unknown… the mysterious. The unexplainable. That is why you are here. And now, for the first time, we are bringing to you, the full story of what happened on that fateful day. We are bringing you all the evidence, based only on the secret testimony, of the miserable souls, who survived this terrifying ordeal. The incidents, the places. My friend, we cannot keep this a secret any longer. Let us punish the guilty. Let us reward the innocent. My friend, can your heart stand the shocking facts of grave robbers from outer space? — Albert Camus

  287. tallyHO
    January 15th, 2013 at 9:45 pm [Reply]

    @Droopy Says (#283):
    hmm.

    That’s probably a better song. It would explain a lot.

    //Now I have Calvin and Dennis in my head high fiving each other to the Beastie Boys song “Sabotage”.
    I guess Hobbes would be driving the getaway car, while wearing shades and an fedora, of course. As they pass by the Keane household and Billy is walking around in circles through the neighborhood, while the Dad is sitting in a lawn chair with a vacant stare on his face, while Thel is frazzled at Jeffy and Dolly and PJs antics and while the cat and the dog are setting the neighbors house on fire, “It’s a Small World” would be playing as the Triumvirate of Tumult passes by in a souped up Pinto. After the car passes the house it is back to “Sabotage”…

  288. Right Venerable Pasdordan
    January 15th, 2013 at 9:52 pm [Reply]

    @hogenmogen (#210): Yes, I do that too. In fact, I just got a sporting new one from Land’s End. It’s canvas. Wanna see?

  289. Peanut Gallery
    January 15th, 2013 at 10:02 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder, pondering something nasty (#161): But… if you go to Bennett Elementary, aren’t you required to leave your heart in San Francisco?

  290. endless sky
    January 15th, 2013 at 10:03 pm [Reply]

    Shoe: A true paradox here. You need to be a geezer to understand the Abbott and Costello reference (“who’s on first?”) but geezers may not be familiar with Guess jeans.

  291. Red Greenback
    January 15th, 2013 at 10:08 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#286):
    -In panel one the audience is seeing an incident based on sword testimony.
    -In panel two the audience is being muzzled by Army Brass. They can’t even admit they saw the thing!

  292. Red Greenback
    January 15th, 2013 at 10:10 pm [Reply]

    Er, sworn testimony, that is.

  293. Peanut Gallery
    January 15th, 2013 at 10:13 pm [Reply]

    @Comrade Denny (#205): Kellogg’s Frosted Fists. The martial-arts cereal that’s hard to pronounce.

  294. Nehemiah Scudder
    January 15th, 2013 at 10:17 pm [Reply]

    So, I just saw Lincoln, and I must say, I have to get me one of those tall hats. Daniel Day-Lewis looked so cool and comfortable in his. I mean those things are just awesome.

    // And if you think that is off-topic, I have two words for you: slide rule.

  295. Nehemiah Scudder
    January 15th, 2013 at 10:21 pm [Reply]

    @Red Greenback (#291): Yes, Chrononhotonthologos, they are ready!

  296. Peanut Gallery
    January 15th, 2013 at 10:23 pm [Reply]

    @Illustrator Steve (#224): Optimist Pram is a robot that transforms into an ultra-futuristic baby carriage. Constantly rhapsodizes about how wonderful everything’s going to be.

  297. Nehemiah Scudder
    January 15th, 2013 at 10:27 pm [Reply]

    @Peanut Gallery (#289): But… if you go to Bennett Elementary, aren’t you required to leave your heart in San Francisco?

    You may have to ask my friend Muffaroo, but that might be ok. They have, or had, some gentle people there.

    // Ask loudly.

  298. seismic-2
    January 15th, 2013 at 10:27 pm [Reply]

    MW: I want to see more of the cake design sketches that John Dill was drawn so far. From what I can tell, he is complying with the “beauty of nature” theme while following up on Charterstone’s obsession with maritime disasters by designing a daring all-white cake that illustrates the collision of the iceberg and the Titanic. This will allow the story to stretch out for weeks, and John and Mary use their frosting skills to create all the lifeboats and each one of the 1502 drowning passengers. That’s plenty of time for Doctor Jeff’s worst fears to be realized, as John and Mary develop a close working relationship that deepens into something more. John Dill, you’re the King of the World!

  299. Dale
    January 15th, 2013 at 10:29 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#227):

    The important issue concerning POCKET CALCULATORS is – RPN or some form of algebraic?

    My first: HP-45. List $395. 1973.
    It was too big and heavy for a shirt pocket.

  300. Rocky Stoneaxe
    January 15th, 2013 at 10:33 pm [Reply]

  301. Dale
    January 15th, 2013 at 10:37 pm [Reply]

    @Illustrator Steve (#235):

    Must be a shoe bomber joke in there somewhere.

  302. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    January 15th, 2013 at 10:38 pm [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#298): So something kinda like this?

  303. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    January 15th, 2013 at 10:39 pm [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#302): Meanwhile, I’m still hoping for that MW/MT crossover.

  304. Nehemiah Scudder
    January 15th, 2013 at 10:43 pm [Reply]

    @Shrug, Emulating Stanley Kowalski in Crying “Stella!” (#172): And before you ask, nor was it in Edward Latham’s FAMOUS SAYINGS AND THEIR AUTHORS, though this may be because Latham published that in 1904 when Stella Gibbons was only two years old.

    Nevertheless, a shocking omission. “Let him be cast into the outer darkness, where there is wailing and gnashing of teeth.” Albert C.

  305. Peanut Gallery
    January 15th, 2013 at 10:45 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#294): And once you’ve got the hat, you might as well go for the full Eustace Tilley look.

  306. seismic-2
    January 15th, 2013 at 10:46 pm [Reply]

    @Dale (#299): What I wouldn’t have given in 1973 to have the $395 needed to buy one, but in those days I couldn’t even afford the special rechargeable battery pack. The HP-45 was indeed the ultimate status symbol for techies. The “shift” key that let you toggle between trig functions and their inverses – it was the devil’s work, I tell you.

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#303): Before I clicked on the link, I was afraid that it would be a cake decorated with a picture of Rusty. Surely that would be grounds to be banned for like from disqualified from any competition that celebrates the “beauty of nature”.

  307. Nehemiah Scudder
    January 15th, 2013 at 10:48 pm [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#300): Quite so. We should choose hats that our brains can grow into – not ones that restrict cranial development.

  308. Sequitur
    January 15th, 2013 at 10:49 pm [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#303):

    And suppose queek took Mary Worth’s place? We’d end up with something like this!

  309. Peanut Gallery
    January 15th, 2013 at 10:50 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#297): Unfortunately, flowers in my hair make me sneeze.

    (Sunshine on my shoulders, however, makes me happy.)

  310. Nehemiah Scudder
    January 15th, 2013 at 10:54 pm [Reply]

    @Peanut Gallery (#305): Why not, indeed? Are we not Curmudgeons?

    // I wear glasses, but in fact, only my right eye needs much correction. I could do a monocle, as a practical thing.

  311. Sequitur
    January 15th, 2013 at 10:56 pm [Reply]

  312. Aviatrix
    January 15th, 2013 at 10:56 pm [Reply]

    @endless sky (#290): Geezers will imagine that it’s a reference to The Who, and will pride themselves on being so au courant.

    //It was hard to not type “The Whom” above, as the object of a preposition.

    @Red Greenback (#292): I thought you were just adding testimony to to the discussion of sword types.

  313. Sequitur
    January 15th, 2013 at 10:58 pm [Reply]

    @Dale (#299): So that would be a satchel calculator?

  314. Morgan Wick
    January 15th, 2013 at 11:01 pm [Reply]

    Two Funky Winkerbean characters slowly awaken to the rules that govern life in their dark, depressing universe. Over time, they will awaken others, who will help to formulate a plan to rebel against their cruel, capricious god.

  315. Nehemiah Scudder
    January 15th, 2013 at 11:04 pm [Reply]

    @Peanut Gallery (#309): Unfortunately, flowers in my hair make me sneeze.

    (Sunshine on my shoulders, however, makes me happy.)

    How very interesting. I, as it happens, am a Pirate King. And it is, it is, a Glorious Thing, to be a Pirate King.

  316. Nehemiah Scudder
    January 15th, 2013 at 11:09 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#313): Who among us does not cherish memories of Reverse Polish Notation?

  317. Right Venerable Pasdordan
    January 15th, 2013 at 11:10 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#311): I know nussink! (Check my website to see why that’s funny.)

  318. seismic-2
    January 15th, 2013 at 11:15 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#316):
    Reverse Polish Notation
    [enter]
    I cherish
    [pop stack]

  319. Mr. O’Malley
    January 15th, 2013 at 11:17 pm [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#303): Was that cake a special order for Mr. Bill?

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#125): That was a Marshal Efrom segment on “Great American Dream Machine” — you are the first person I’ve encountered who remembers that! I keep trying to tell people about it and all I get are blank stares. At the end he holds up a bowlful of vile chemicals and says “And here we have it! Lemon cream pie!”

    They also did some great parodies of Kraft Family Kitchen, where the hands are never able to keep up with the narration.

    @bbofun (#168): “This is the library. No one can hear us here!”
    “What?”
    “I said this is the library … oh never mind, come through here!”

    @Dale (#299): RPN, no question about it.

    Well now I sit here wishing I could build myself an Optimist pram, and that I had some hot dogs I could steam in beer. All the things I’ve missed out on! At least I have some beer. I think I have a few bottles of Sierra Nevada 2012 Celebration Ale left. I guess the hot dogs can wait until another time.

  320. Dale
    January 15th, 2013 at 11:17 pm [Reply]

    @Aviatrix (#281):

    JUMBLE – Until I saw your comment, I thought I was the victim of an outrageous fonetik spelling scam. I’ve seen the legitimate, but wrong, word problem; but it’s very rare.

  321. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    January 15th, 2013 at 11:20 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#308): Beauty of nature, indeed!

  322. Nehemiah Scudder
    January 15th, 2013 at 11:23 pm [Reply]

    @Right Venerable Pasdordan (#317): (Serious: Liked your Dec. 16 sermon. Well said.)

  323. Nehemiah Scudder
    January 15th, 2013 at 11:27 pm [Reply]

    @Mr. O’Malley (#319): That’s the spirit, O’Malley! And you can have an Optimist pram! Of course you can! You’re good enough, and smart enough, and, minced oath!, people like you!

  324. Nehemiah Scudder
    January 15th, 2013 at 11:31 pm [Reply]

    @Aviatrix (#312): //It was hard to not type “The Whom” above, as the object of a preposition.

    And that is why we love you.

  325. Red Greenback
    January 16th, 2013 at 12:05 am [Reply]

    @Aviatrix (#312): “I want a veal cutlass!” -Stymie Beard

  326. Dale
    January 16th, 2013 at 12:15 am [Reply]

    @Mr. O’Malley (#319):

    Why didn’t RPN catch on? I read a lot of articles at the time. All I can think of now is that very simple calculations required an extra keystroke.

    I have a variety of <$30 calculators now. I hit the enter/= a lot because I'm not sure what will happen otherwise. I'd like a simple "remember this for a moment" key so I wouldn't destroy something important – e, pi, local sales tax rate.

  327. Droopy Says
    January 16th, 2013 at 12:26 am [Reply]

    Spiderdick: It’s true: Jameson is a bit dotty.

    FW: On your way out through Monotony’s Pizza Parlor, be sure to mention the stroke. It will do more than just depress any customers rash emough to have expected a fun evening. It will make some of them wonder what those pizzas are doing to their arteries, which in turn will cause them to swear off pizza, and the loss of business will drive Funky to new depths of gloom.

    Family Circus: Sad but true, Dowwy, your incontinence issue does terrible things to cotton.

    Phantom: Think hard, young Queen Gazoombas. Who do you know that deals in immortal superstitions and high technology?

    Mock Travail: Asked a question about Rod Bassy? Confirmed that he’s a bass fisherman who’s entered a bass fishing contest? Okay, Trail has covered the investigative-reporter angle of the story. Confirm that Rusty has heard of the concept of fishing, even if he’s never fished in his life? Okay, got that pesky parenthood thing out of the way. On to the random lunacy!

    Pluggers: Pluggers avoid the pretentious appearance of literacy by toting library books in disposable plastic bags that contain loose bits of organic matter. The fines for damaging library books may bankrupt them, but who said fashion comes cheap?

  328. Uncle Lumpy
    January 16th, 2013 at 12:27 am [Reply]

    You can have my HP-15C when you pry it from my cold, dead … No, on second thought, you can’t have it even then.

    I do. not. understand. the notion that the equals sign makes anything easier: 2 + 2 = takes the same number of strokes as 2 ENTER 2 +, and once you get into anything nested, the equals sign forces you to parse the equation before you can even start evaluating it.

  329. tallyHO
    January 16th, 2013 at 12:28 am [Reply]

    Apt.. 3G (warning spoilers)
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .

    Bond James Bond in “For Whom The Belle Passes Out”.

    “May I undress you, Margomagenny?”
    “Sing me a lul…..kkkkzzZZZZzzzzzzz!”

    “Me Scottish kin, Fiftho Glenfiddich, strikes again! Curse you, Fiftho!”

  330. tallyHO
    January 16th, 2013 at 12:39 am [Reply]

    apt. 3G–the untold sorted story

    Meanwhile, in Margo’s closet…

    A tiny Ken Doll-like Gorton’s Fisherman paces about in the Margo ™ Ex-Boyfriend Bedroom Set which is wrapped up in a present marked:

    “To: Margo Magee
    From: Competitive “Aunt” Cathy

    Merry Christmas and enjoy your present
    (you smalltimer, you!)”.

    The Golden Goldigger, Evan Cathynephewson, ruminates on his predicament:

    “Boy, Margo better hurry up and open her Christmas present from me. It is only the third week of January but it feels like Christmas happened last year. Here I stand with her present in my arms and waiting to present it her lovely visage.

    Gee Wilikers I hope it makes her happy and adds to her wonderful life! Maybe we can play around together afterwards!”

    Little does he know his tiny, barely audible words will haunt him til Valentine’s Day when Margo finds the present from “Aunt” Cathy. It will be right next to her favorite pair of pumps. That is when the golden sheathed Evan will be so stiff and bored Margo will wonder why her competition took time to put such a salacious toy in a playset.

    She will wonder aloud:”What does it mean? What does it mean? Where is the Scotch? Where is the glas…oh screw it! Glug glug glug!”

  331. Girl Reporter
    January 16th, 2013 at 12:40 am [Reply]

    “And I’ll never have that recipe again, oh no”
    -Albert Camus

  332. Nehemiah Scudder
    January 16th, 2013 at 12:42 am [Reply]

    @Dale (#326): While I have a vast collection (semi-vast, ok) of slide rules, and quite a few vintage pocket calculators, and calculator watches and have great affection for them all, whenever I do serious work with math, I do it in a spreadsheet. Hell, I always have a computer or two running anyway on the network… and I can keep a record of anything I do, and easily play what-ifs. I remember when I got my first bootleg copy of Lotus 1-2-3 v.2.01 — it was love at first sight — I had seen the face of God, or Someone like Him. I suddenly knew what Keats was gibbering about with that truth and beauty wheeze.

  333. tallyHO
    January 16th, 2013 at 12:45 am [Reply]

    Experiment:

    Read Snuffy Smif.
    Read the punch line.
    Think:
    Banjo music, playing:

    “Shave and haircut/
    two bits!”

  334. Master Softheart
    January 16th, 2013 at 1:24 am [Reply]

    JP: Wait a minute… that’s not Gloria! It’s clearly the Baroness from the 1980′s GI Joe cartoon! Suddenly it makes sense; Steve Shanon is obviously still under cover working counter-terrorism for the military – literally sleeping with the enemy. And April is investigating for the CIA – just using her “relationship” with Randy as an excuse to keep tabs on his old law firm! Plotlines about pot, fishing, and book deals are just red herrings while Cobra Commander’s latest scheme ripens…

    Sure it’s a little strange that no one noticed when mousy, Hispanic Gloria was replaced by this blouse-bulging, ice-pale, arch-eyebrowed international terrorist, but with the change of artists everyone is probably kind of jaded to a bit of visual confusion.

    FW: This is really kind of a shame. I remember vaguely liking these characters before the time-jump and in their cameos since; it always made me happy that they didn’t appear in the strip for years on end – allowing for at least the possibility that they were off living happy, successful lives somewhere.

    Phantom: Just as a matter of professional courtesy you’d think that the Phantom would have a moral obligation to cover for others running an “immortal avenger” scam.

  335. Dale
    January 16th, 2013 at 1:49 am [Reply]

    @Uncle Lumpy (#328):

    I can’t tell which side you’re on, but it looks like RPN (the right one).
    2 + 2 = gets an answer.
    2 ENTER 2 + leaves things hanging. Hence, the extra stroke if that’s all you wanted to know.

  336. Uncle Lumpy
    January 16th, 2013 at 1:55 am [Reply]

    @Dale (#335):

    I’m not sure I understand: at the end of both sets of operations, the display reads “4.00″. “Hanging” just means you can do more with the result, right?

  337. jnik
    January 16th, 2013 at 2:02 am [Reply]

    FW:
    And so one of the original characters is about to leave the scene without having cancer. I see a career move for Les here.

  338. Baka Gaijin
    January 16th, 2013 at 2:08 am [Reply]

    Monday’s Strips

    Oh God, if Greg sings “Warm Kitty” to Margo, I’ll plotz. I will truly plotz.

    Are your trousers shrinking, Dolly, or are the results of compulsive eating showing up in your butt?

    Cherry Trail wins the “Like, Duh” award for her inciteful quip in panel 1.

    Aaaand Mary Worth’s final panel is the least subtle poposition to sex. Grody to the max, man, grody.

  339. Dale
    January 16th, 2013 at 2:09 am [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#332):

    For serious math work, I would start with paper and pencil. Work back to whatever computing hardware and software are appropriate and available.
    Do you remember JAZZ?

    Since this is all about me and availability –
    Where can I download a free version of Fortran, BASIC or C?
    (I don’t speak C, but have a book and can read.)

  340. seismic-2
    January 16th, 2013 at 2:18 am [Reply]

    @Dale (#339): Here is where a free-software compiler suite for C and FORTRAN (and more) lives.

  341. Dale
    January 16th, 2013 at 2:34 am [Reply]

    @Uncle Lumpy (#336):

    I don’t have an RPN calculator to play with and it’s been a long time, but I expect:
    2 ENTER 2 + leaves something on the display, no idea what.
    Hit ENTER and get 4.
    But instead of ENTER, 3 ENTER would get 5. Then ENTER and get 10.

  342. Gladly, the cross-eyed bear
    January 16th, 2013 at 2:40 am [Reply]

    Cherry: Now that I think of it, Rod Bassy stopped by here last year. I think you were on one of your adventures!
    Mark: Bill Ellis, my editor, thinks Rod might be cheating!
    Cherry: Cheating! Why, uh, does he think that?
    Mark: He always comes out on top!
    Cherry:Well, not always…Most of the time, I guess…
    Mark: I wonder if his pole is unusually stiff.
    Cherry: (snerk)
    Mark: Or if he’s using an extra long pole?
    Cherry: Oh, yeah! I mean, yes, I, uh, saw his pole and it was really long! He took Rusty fishing! Yeah, took him fishing. Fishing.

  343. Mr. O’Malley
    January 16th, 2013 at 2:44 am [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#332):
    Euclid alone has looked on Beauty bare.
    ?
    That’s Edna St. Vincent Millay. I suppose Keats had it
    Or like stout Cortez when with eagle eyes
    He star’d at the Pacific — and all his men
    Look’d at each other with a wild surmise —
    Silent, upon a peak in Darien.

    although the one you quote is “Ode on a Grecian Urn”.

    @Dale (#326): I don’t know why RPN didn’t catch on. The same reason Americans buy gasoline by the firkin and potatoes by the peck, I suppose. My mother attended university with Charles Hamblin, one of the pioneers of RPN, but she doesn’t remember him. Probably because he was a math major, I suppose.

    Many of the cheap calculators have a single storage register which is handy if you only need to store one constant.

    @Uncle Lumpy (#328): Might as well be buried with it, because these young people don’t know how to use them anyway.

  344. Nehemiah Scudder
    January 16th, 2013 at 2:56 am [Reply]

    @Dale (#339): @seismic-2 (#340): Well, Dale, all that stuff is kind of built in to Linux systems, and I would recommend, as a practical matter, going there. I think Seismic would concur. In a very real sense, Linux is C.

    (I’m interested to know what Uncle Lumpy recommends. Commodorejohn will probably tell you to get a TI-99/4A with appropriate language cartridges.)

    BASIC was always included with MS-Dos, so if you have an old machine, you are set already. Newer machines you might have to run DOSBOX or WINE. The easiest way to do that, is, once again, with a Linux system.

    I like MINT, but there is nothing wrong with UBUNTU, and there are lots of other distros. You can’t hardly go wrong.

  345. seismic-2
    January 16th, 2013 at 2:57 am [Reply]

    @Dale (#341): 2 ENTER 2 + leaves something on the display
    It leaves 4 on the display

    Hit ENTER and get 4
    Actually, you already “got” 4. Hitting ENTER leaves the 4 on the display and pushes a second value of 4 onto the top of the stack. However, you don’t need to do hit “enter”, because the 4 in the display will be pushed down on the stack automatically when you type the next number. So all you have to type next is
    3 X and the display will show 12.

  346. Inexplicable Bear Tongue
    January 16th, 2013 at 4:29 am [Reply]

    MW: HEYOOOO, Get the kids out of the room!

    RMMD: What kind of stripper is Delores if *that’s* the outfit she settles on for a party? Bet underneath that shapeless plaid skirt there’s a big ol’ pair of granny panties.

  347. Ned Ryerson
    January 16th, 2013 at 4:54 am [Reply]

    MW: Oh, you’ve got to be shitting me.

  348. Mr. O'Malley
    January 16th, 2013 at 5:46 am [Reply]

    @Dale (#339): I believe there are some versions of Microsoft Visual Studio available for free.

    There’s the Eclipse IDE that supports C/C++, Java, etc. on various platforms including Windows.

    If you are working on a Windows system you could convert your system to a dual-boot system with Ubuntu Linux (for example). Or you could use Cygwin which runs a Unix-like interface under Windows. In either case that would allow you to use the free GNU compilers and other tools.

    There are really loads of options for free C/C++ language support if you look around a bit.

    I can’t see any reason for FORTRAN unless you have a lot of old programs lying around. And even less reason for BASIC.

    If you already know a little bit about programming and you just want to mess about a bit, C is the way to go. It’s an easy language to learn and you can do a lot with it.

  349. The Grandstander
    January 16th, 2013 at 6:25 am [Reply]

    MARY WORTH: I am absolutely now convinced that Moy is writing this specifically for readers of The Comics Cirmudgeon. Even the worst major league pitcher never threw softballs like the ones Mary and Mr. Dill are serving up for Mudges to belt over the fence.

  350. sporknpork
    January 16th, 2013 at 7:05 am [Reply]

    @hogenmogen (#207): All very good choices. There’s no escape from the multitude of ways to die in Funky Winkerbean.

  351. gleeb
    January 16th, 2013 at 7:21 am [Reply]

    3-G: A dilemma. Do you sing and risk waking Margo, or risk having her hear her instructions were not followed?

    ‘bean: Aaand here comes the misery!

    Sam Driver: Yep, thinks Gloria, he’s been stupid again. He has knowledge of crimes that he won’t turn over to the authorities. This may be enough to get him disbarred, and then it’s Steve and Gloria’s strip!

    Dick: Why thank Tracy? Thank all the major criminals not committing crimes this week so you can fool around with this mudlarker stuff and ignore the Moon.

    Keef Life: Will all these sleazy celebrities look like they have only an eighth of an inch of flesh keeping the tops of their heads on?

  352. hogenmogen
    January 16th, 2013 at 8:11 am [Reply]

    Tribal Queen: It must be the villiage elders!

    Phantom: It can’t be the villiage elders. Whom else do you suspect?

    Queen: No one, only be the elders.

    Phantom: Anyone else?

    Queen: Tell me, oh Ghost, how do you say “Occam’s Razor” in the Bandar tounge?

  353. hogenmogen
    January 16th, 2013 at 8:24 am [Reply]

    “Can you undress yourself, Margo?”

    Worst. Bond. Ever.

  354. hogenmogen
    January 16th, 2013 at 8:29 am [Reply]

    @The Grandstander (#349): What convinced you? “How’s your technique?” That was a dead giveaway, wasn’t it.

  355. Bill
    January 16th, 2013 at 12:03 pm [Reply]

    Mark Trail, 1/16/13

    What about Busty “Red” Nympho or Hosemedown Imonfire?

  356. Brimstone
    January 16th, 2013 at 9:42 pm [Reply]

    I can relate to the FW strip exactly.

  357. Hazard
    January 21st, 2013 at 8:36 pm [Reply]

    I think the Funky Winkerbean is supposed to be a harmless joke about “those wacky teenagers, they don’t want to appear happy to any adult because it would hurt their image as a surly teenager!” like the Zits comic where Jeremy is smiling and laughing all day with people and then sullen as soon as his mother greets him.

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    It’s simple, yet effective. A lot of times it’s {very hard|very difficult|challenging|tough|difficult|hard} to get that “perfect balance” between
    {superb usability|user friendliness|usability} and {visual
    appearance|visual appeal|appearance}. I must say {that you’ve|you have|you’ve} done a {awesome|amazing|very good|superb|fantastic|excellent|great} job with this.
    {In addition|Additionally|Also}, the blog loads {very|extremely|super} {fast|quick}
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    {Superb|Exceptional|Outstanding|Excellent} Blog!|
    These are {really|actually|in fact|truly|genuinely} {great|enormous|impressive|wonderful|fantastic} ideas in {regarding|concerning|about|on the topic of} blogging.
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    {I love|I really like|I enjoy|I like|Everyone
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    and style|design}.|
    {I love|I really like|I enjoy|I like|Everyone loves} what you guys {are|are usually|tend to be} up too.
    {This sort of|This type of|Such|This kind of} clever work and {exposure|coverage|reporting}!
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    {Howdy|Hi there|Hey there|Hi|Hello|Hey} would you mind {stating|sharing} which blog platform you’re {working with|using}?

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    something {completely unique|unique}.
    P.S {My apologies|Apologies|Sorry} for {getting|being} off-topic but I had
    to ask!|
    {Howdy|Hi there|Hi|Hey there|Hello|Hey} would you mind letting me know which
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    {honest|reasonable|fair} price? {Thanks a lot|Kudos|Cheers|Thank
    you|Many thanks|Thanks}, I appreciate it!|
    {I love|I really like|I like|Everyone loves} it {when people|when individuals|when
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    and share {opinions|thoughts|views|ideas}. Great {blog|website|site}, {keep it up|continue the good work|stick
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    Thank you for the {auspicious|good} writeup.
    It in fact was a amusement account it. Look advanced to {far|more}
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    {Howdy|Hi there|Hey there|Hello|Hey} just wanted to give
    you a quick heads up. The {text|words} in your {content|post|article} seem to be running off the
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    {Kudos|Cheers|Many thanks|Thanks}|
    This is a topic {that is|that’s|which is} {close to|near to}
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    {Where|Exactly where} are your contact details though?|
    It’s very {easy|simple|trouble-free|straightforward|effortless} to find out any
    {topic|matter} on {net|web} as compared to {books|textbooks},
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    {website|web site|site|web page}.|
    Does your {site|website|blog} have a contact page? I’m having {a tough time|problems|trouble} locating
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    I’ve got some {creative ideas|recommendations|suggestions|ideas} for your
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    {Hola|Hey there|Hi|Hello|Greetings}! I’ve been {following|reading} your {site|web site|website|weblog|blog} for {a long time|a while|some
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    Its {like you|such as you} {read|learn} my {mind|thoughts}!

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    I visited {multiple|many|several|various} {websites|sites|web
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    {It is the|It’s the} little changes {that make|which will make|that produce|that
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    {Hi there|Hello there|Howdy}! This {post|article|blog post} {couldn’t|could not} be written {any
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    {Thank you for|Thanks for|Many thanks for|I appreciate
    you for} sharing!|
    {Wow|Whoa|Incredible|Amazing}! This blog looks {exactly|just} like my old one!
    It’s on a {completely|entirely|totally} different {topic|subject} but it has pretty much the same {layout|page layout}
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    {There is|There’s} {definately|certainly}
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    {You made|You’ve made|You have made} some {decent|good|really good} points there.
    I {looked|checked} {on the internet|on the web|on the net} {for more info|for
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    {Hi|Hello|Hi there|What’s up}, I {log on to|check|read} your {new stuff|blogs|blog} {regularly|like every week|daily|on a regular basis}.
    Your {story-telling|writing|humoristic} style is {awesome|witty}, keep {doing
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    {Hi|Hello|Hi there|What’s up}, just wanted to {mention|say|tell
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    I {always|constantly|every time} spent my half
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    My {coder|programmer|developer} is trying to {persuade|convince} me to
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    {Hello|Hi|Hello there|Hi there|Howdy|Good day}! I could have sworn I’ve {been
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    {A person|Someone|Somebody} {necessarily|essentially} {lend
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    {your blog|your site|your website|your web site} for more soon.|
    I {always|all the time|every time} used to {read|study} {article|post|piece of writing|paragraph}
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    Your {way|method|means|mode} of {describing|explaining|telling} {everything|all|the whole thing} in this {article|post|piece of writing|paragraph}
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    {understand|know|be aware of} it, Thanks a lot.|
    {Hi|Hello} there, {I found|I discovered} your {blog|website|web site|site} {by means of|via|by the use of|by way of} Google {at the same time
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    {I have|I’ve} bookmarked it in my google bookmarks.

    {Hello|Hi} there, {simply|just} {turned into|became|was|become|changed into} {aware of|alert to}
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    {I am|I’m} curious to find out what blog {system|platform} {you have been|you happen to be|you are|you’re} {working with|utilizing|using}?
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    {I would|I’d} like to find something more {safe|risk-free|safeguarded|secure}.
    Do you have any {solutions|suggestions|recommendations}?|
    {I am|I’m} {extremely|really} impressed with your writing skills {and
    also|as well as} with the layout on your {blog|weblog}.
    Is this a paid theme or did you {customize|modify} it yourself?
    {Either way|Anyway} keep up the {nice|excellent} quality writing, {it’s|it is} rare to see a {nice|great} blog like this one
    {these days|nowadays|today}.|
    {I am|I’m} {extremely|really} {inspired|impressed} {with
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    {blog|weblog}. {Is this|Is that this} a paid {subject|topic|subject matter|theme} or
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    {nice|great} {blog|weblog} like this one {these days|nowadays|today}..|
    {Hi|Hello}, Neat post. {There is|There’s} {a problem|an issue} {with your|together with your|along with your} {site|web site|website} in {internet|web} explorer, {may|might|could|would}
    {check|test} this? IE {still|nonetheless} is the {marketplace|market} {leader|chief} and {a large|a good|a big|a
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    {I’m|I am} not sure where {you are|you’re} getting your {info|information},
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    Thanks for {great|wonderful|fantastic|magnificent|excellent} {information|info} I
    was looking for this {information|info} for my mission.|
    {Hi|Hello}, i think that i saw you visited my {blog|weblog|website|web site|site} {so|thus} i came to “return the
    favor”.{I am|I’m} {trying to|attempting to} find things to {improve|enhance} my {website|site|web site}!I suppose its ok to use {some of|a few of}
    your ideas!!\

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    {
    {I have|I’ve} been {surfing|browsing} online more than {three|3|2|4} hours today, yet I never found any
    interesting article like yours. {It’s|It is} pretty
    worth enough for me. {In my opinion|Personally|In
    my view}, if all {webmasters|site owners|website owners|web owners} and bloggers
    made good content as you did, the {internet|net|web} will
    be {much more|a lot more} useful than ever before.|
    I {couldn’t|could not} {resist|refrain from} commenting.

    {Very well|Perfectly|Well|Exceptionally well} written!|
    {I will|I’ll} {right away|immediately} {take hold of|grab|clutch|grasp|seize|snatch} your
    {rss|rss feed} as I {can not|can’t} {in finding|find|to find} your {email|e-mail} subscription {link|hyperlink} or {newsletter|e-newsletter} service.
    Do {you have|you’ve} any? {Please|Kindly} {allow|permit|let}
    me {realize|recognize|understand|recognise|know}
    {so that|in order that} I {may just|may|could} subscribe.

    Thanks.|
    {It is|It’s} {appropriate|perfect|the best} time to make some plans for the future and {it is|it’s} time to be happy.
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    {I love|I really like|I enjoy|I like|Everyone loves} what you guys {are|are usually|tend
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    {Howdy|Hi there|Hi|Hey there|Hello|Hey} would you mind letting me
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    Can you {suggest|recommend} a good {internet hosting|web hosting|hosting}
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    {I love|I really like|I like|Everyone loves} it {when
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    This is a topic {that is|that’s|which is} {close to|near to} my heart…
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    {It is the|It’s the} little changes {that make|which will make|that produce|that will
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