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Fortunately, the Rod Bassy did not have to use his venomous claws

Mark Trail, 1/24/13

Here we can see the wild Rod Bassy in his usual habitat. Panel two offers a good look at one of his natural defenses: when threatened by a predator or a nosey reporter, he can puff out his plumage so that he appears twice as large as his actual size! Watch how the aggressor backs off as a result of this aggressive display.

Funky Winkerbean, 1/24/13

“So now that my husband’s died of a massive stroke, I’m at last free! Free to live the life I’ve always wanted! Free to … wait, he’s recovering? Fuck.”

Apartment 3-G, 1/24/13

Ari seems suspiciously blasé about the disaster unfolding over in 3-G, suspiciously reluctant to get the authorities involved. I’m not implying that he had anything to do with it, of course, but I do think he’s anxious because he decided in the middle of the night to go clean shaven and Greg’s caught him after he’s taken off his mustache but before he got to his beard. “I can’t let anyone think I’m deliberately cultivating this dumb little chinbeard! Especially not the fire department!”

Marvin, 1/24/13

Showing, not telling: Not satisfied with just informing us that Marvin constantly stews in a miasma of his own filth-stink, Marvin is trying to show us, via the artfully rendered reaction of others, just how awful it is being within smelling distance of him.

347 responses to “Fortunately, the Rod Bassy did not have to use his venomous claws”

  1. Rocky Stoneaxe
    January 24th, 2013 at 8:23 am [Reply]

    Dick Tracy

    Why on earth would George Takei Tawara produce a play about canaries?

    http://img0098.popscreencdn.com/108663957_-canary-care-with-a-treatise-on-tropical-fish-hartz-.jpg

  2. Rocky Stoneaxe
    January 24th, 2013 at 8:25 am [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#y298): @Rocky Stoneaxe (#286): In 1942 you could see more Veronica, if you know what I mean.

    Meh, I prefer the long-stemmed beauty of Katy Keene:

    http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_64jRVt1CleE/Ri0oarzLxqI/AAAAAAAAAiw/RB9JEnRQhOc/s320/katykandy.jpg

    @Der Kömmëntätör, Herr Schnärkïnätör (#y301): Juggs Parker — She could poke an eye out with one of those titties!

    See my comment above. (I’m unabashedly a Leg Man when it comes to women!)

  3. Comrade Denny
    January 24th, 2013 at 8:25 am [Reply]

    Phantom: Never show a lion surviving in the firstsixth act unless it devours the evil mine operators in the thirdnineteenth.

  4. gleeb
    January 24th, 2013 at 8:26 am [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#1): It’s a metaphor. Canaries are kept in cages.

  5. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    January 24th, 2013 at 8:29 am [Reply]

    FW – Today uses the exact same “depressive exposition” template that I pointed out in yesterday’s strip:

    “Panel 1 – Leading question, inquiring as to something that is usually a source of happiness
    Panel 2 – Ashen faced response, “Well, yes, you might think that was something positive, but we soon found that it wasn’t so much (Happy Thing) …
    Panel 3 – “As it was just (Cynically Depressing Thing)”.

    Joy drains from the room. Usually accompanied by smirking, however, which is missing here.”

  6. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    January 24th, 2013 at 8:32 am [Reply]

    Frazz: is clearly not set in Westview.

    SBp: I’ve seen this gag before, I just can’t remember where. also, ewwwww.

    MG&G: or powder-post beetles.

    Pluggers: don’t have Pakistanis in their universe.

    6Cx: is about vibrators and post-O face.

  7. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    January 24th, 2013 at 8:32 am [Reply]

    JP – The recent “Drug Dealer turns to Solar Power” plot arc suddenly makes a lot more sense in light of this article:

    http://www.washingtonpost.com/world/europe/sting-operations-reveal-mafia-involvement-in-renewable-energy/2013/01/22/67388504-5f39-11e2-9dc9-bca76dd777b8_story.html

    “authorities swept across Sicily last month in the latest wave of sting operations revealing years of deep infiltration into the renewable energy sector by Italy’s rapidly modernizing crime families … China-based Suntech, the world’s largest solar panel maker, last month said it would need to restate more than two years of financial results because of allegedly fake capital put up to finance new plants in Italy.

  8. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    January 24th, 2013 at 8:33 am [Reply]

    Love Is. . . .clearly a blow-job in process. holy Schulz, wtf?

  9. The Whistler
    January 24th, 2013 at 8:34 am [Reply]

    MT: In addition to the plumage puffing, it appears his left hand can blend in with its environment; very nice!

  10. Joe, the Upper-Evergreen Guy
    January 24th, 2013 at 8:35 am [Reply]

    FW: …..aaaand here comes the “I regret not having a career because I got married, squeezed out you fucking brats and was tied to the house. I fucking hate you all”-lament.

    SixChix: Are was sure she just had a massage, or an orgasm?

    Love is…: Open-heart surgery in a grassy meadow.

  11. Tom Allen
    January 24th, 2013 at 8:35 am [Reply]

    I dunno — the way Rod Bassy’s left hand instinctively camouflages itself against his brown pants suggests defensiveness, not aggression.

  12. RavenHawk
    January 24th, 2013 at 8:36 am [Reply]

    Apt 3-G: It’s rare to see a warning sign written in lower-case letters. This must be a very high class apartment building.

  13. Cloudbuster
    January 24th, 2013 at 8:37 am [Reply]

    FW: Now the story isn’t just about the misery of having a husband and father suffer a stroke, Batiuk has upped the ante by revealing that the wife’s married life crushed her dreams and destroyed her individuality! Way to go, Batiuk! Maybe she can get the divorce papers all ready to be signed by the time Fred wakes up!

    MT: Most. Subtle. Foreshadowing. Ever.

  14. Cloudbuster
    January 24th, 2013 at 8:39 am [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#7): Always remember, it’s never about the drugs, it’s about the money. And that’s ten times as true in the Parkerverse.

    If chocolate were outlawed, there would be chocolate dealers.

  15. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    January 24th, 2013 at 8:40 am [Reply]

    @Cloudbuster (#13): Now the story isn’t just about the misery of having a husband and father suffer a stroke, Batiuk has upped the ante by revealing that the wife’s married life crushed her dreams and destroyed her individuality!

    Yes, all this waiting room exposition is like the rotten cherry on top of the shit sundae.

  16. Liam
    January 24th, 2013 at 8:41 am [Reply]

    DT-”Why is she called Ms. Ebony and I don’t get a color related last name? I don’t want to be Mr. Tawara. I want to be Mr. Saffron.”

    Spiderman-And while in jail Jonah wrote a book called “My Struggle”.

    A3G-Stand back. I’m going to chop this fire into pieces.

    Crankshaft-Do you even know what fracking means?

    FC-Has Mary Worth been cooking again? You need to stop letting her force her way into your lives.

    MW-If this is a practice cake why not use it. You are going to be making several hundred more of them.

  17. CowKing
    January 24th, 2013 at 8:41 am [Reply]

    @The Whistler (#9):
    I don’t think his hand is blending in, I believe that he is a changling and when upset he changes back to his natural state which is Jim, from Mary Worth, get ready for some rage.

  18. Cloudbuster
    January 24th, 2013 at 8:42 am [Reply]

    MT #2: In the future, anytime someone asks me a question, I’m going to respond with “Are you suggesting I’m doing something illegal?” I learned it watching Congressional hearings.

  19. Mibbitmaker
    January 24th, 2013 at 8:44 am [Reply]

    Apartment 3G continues….

    ARI: “Um, I wouldn’t do that, Greg.”

    GREG: “No, y’see, Ari, it’s a fire! Gas is consuming Margo’s apartment! There’s been explosions….”

    ARI: “You’re acting rash, there, buddy.”

    GREG: “No-no, axing up her door is sensible in this… this emergency! I–”

    ARI: “I said, ‘I wouldn’t do that if I were you!’”

    (cut to: Ari, holding a gun at Greg)

    ARI: “…..GET me? Okay, pally… MOVE! …if you know what’s good for you!”

    GREG: Omigod… the lack of mustache…. the goatee instead of full beard! YOU’RE NOT ARI!!!”

    (they head towards the building’s basement. Once there, a shot is heard)

    ANNOUNCER: “To be continued on Saturday on most of these funny pages…”

  20. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    January 24th, 2013 at 8:45 am [Reply]

    @Cloudbuster (#14):

    Just last night, I learned that a roommate of a friend who lives in Colorado just got a job in one of the marijuana dispensaries.

    If he took the equivalent job three months ago, he would have just became an “illegal drug dealer”. The horror! The constant risk of arrest and imprisonment! Today, the reaction is “Great! I’m glad he found a job! Steady paycheck, reasonable hours, pays his taxes, and gets health insurance!”

  21. lorne
    January 24th, 2013 at 8:46 am [Reply]

    “All my life I loved sports. I wanted to be a sports writer. I love women’s sports. I could watch women play sports for hours. I would go to softball games and watch from the bushes as I wrote about it… I’m not really talking about sports, am I?”

  22. Chareth Cutestory
    January 24th, 2013 at 8:46 am [Reply]

    A3G: Holy crap, you guys! I think that we’re going to get to see Greg and Ari smash down Margo’s door with an ax!! Of course, it will be another 3 weeks until the strip gets around to showing that action, but Margo’s reaction is going to be priceless!

  23. Mardou Fox
    January 24th, 2013 at 8:48 am [Reply]

    Mark is really overflowing with the sexy double fishing entredres today!! But WHAT is Rod so angry about anyway, Mark didn’t really suggest that he was doing anything illegal, unless “knowing” things about fish IS illegal in tournaments? Mark just smiles blandly as the angry, inflated, chocolate-palmed Bassy looms over him. So many things to love about Panel 2!

  24. jimbo
    January 24th, 2013 at 8:51 am [Reply]

    MT–The angler doth protest too much, methinks. I’m sure he’s up to no good. Rod Bassy is the Lance Armstrong of the fishing circuit.

  25. Rocky Stoneaxe
    January 24th, 2013 at 8:52 am [Reply]

    A near-sighted Uncle Sam (pinch-hitting today for Professor Ari):

    “Exactly how does that work, Greg? Wouldn’t dousing a fire with AXE® Body Spray just make matters worse?”

    This commercial announcement for AXE® Body Spray has been brought to you by Unilever/Stoneaxe Associates!

  26. KreatureFeatures
    January 24th, 2013 at 8:53 am [Reply]

    FW: As much as I’m enjoying the stroke-related frivolity and humor of this recent story arc, I’ve got to remind myself that there’s a serious side of strokes as well. Thankfully, Doug E. Fresh and Hip-Hop Doc are here to remind me that a stroke is no joke.

  27. wossname
    January 24th, 2013 at 8:56 am [Reply]

    Doones – Please, please, Trudeau, don’t be foreshadowing that she’s gonna have a miscarriage. At least we know that (a) Trudeau does unpredictable, complicated plots and (b) this isn’t Funkytown – so maybe that’s not what’s coming.

    MW – truly made me LOL. If there were ever any doubt that Moy is in on the joke, it’s gone now.

  28. Mibbitmaker
    January 24th, 2013 at 8:59 am [Reply]

    MT: “No, I’m saying you’re doing something unethical.”
    “Oh, okay. That’s better, Trail.”

    FW: When Batty wants to destroy an amiable old character, he doesn’t fool around! “Okay, what other character from the old days can I transform into an oppressive, chauvinistic, life-draining moster and/or victim…?”

    Marvin: “Oh, wait a minute, Marvin…. No, I was actually reacting to your personality! Forget what I said earlier, it’s very difficult to tell the difference.”

  29. Mark B.
    January 24th, 2013 at 9:00 am [Reply]

    OK, doesn’t Greg have a phone. Wouldn’t it make more sense for him to phone 911 himself instead of arguing with Ari while the building burns down? Most people carry phones in their pockets these days and you can make the call while doing other stuff like ‘In emergency, Break Glass”. I always wondered about that, once you break the glass, what happens next? Although breaking glass might provide a momentary emotional stress release, it doesn’t seem to do much to ameliorate the emergency, whatever it might be.

  30. Rocky Stoneaxe
    January 24th, 2013 at 9:01 am [Reply]

    @gleeb (#4): @Rocky Stoneaxe (#1): It’s a metaphor. Canaries are kept in cages.

    In that case, I hope Maya Angelou doesn’t sue George for ripping off her autobiography, I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings.

  31. Jon the Red
    January 24th, 2013 at 9:04 am [Reply]

    Oops. I seem to have totally guessed the gist of today’s Mark Trail in a comment yesterday. Not only did I bring up the importance of things like technique and location, my sarcastic implication that Rod Bassy had no idea about any of that junk turned out to be true the moment he went “oh yeah, you’re right” like a complete dope.

    Don’t think for a second that I’m somehow proud of this; Smokey the Bear coloring books have given me tougher nature mysteries. All that remains is for me to see whether Mark takes up the Rod Bassy Killer and out-fishes him using both technology and technique. Also, if I just have a power or something, I really hope Mark kills him with the lure somehow.

  32. Jocelyn Knockersbury
    January 24th, 2013 at 9:05 am [Reply]

    FW: “I know your dad is on death’s door, but I truly feel now is the time to tell you how my life has been completely destroyed by his wants, needs, and insistence I have children like you.”

    GT: Apparently I dropped acid and forgot about it. There is no other explanation for panel #3.

  33. Voshkod
    January 24th, 2013 at 9:07 am [Reply]

    MT – So let me get this straight. Aquaman dyed his hair black and now cheats on the pro bass circuit with his fish-summoning powers? How the mighty have fallen. Well, at least he kept the orange shirt, for old times’ sake.

  34. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    January 24th, 2013 at 9:09 am [Reply]

    MW – Don’t worry John. As a “woman of a certain age”, I’m sure Mary no longer needs to rely on the rhythm method to avoid getting a bun in the oven.

  35. gleeb
    January 24th, 2013 at 9:12 am [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#30): Well, Paul Lawrence Dunbar didn’t sue Angelou. Yes, some would say that was because he was dead, but I think it’s a good precedent.

  36. Crankenstank
    January 24th, 2013 at 9:12 am [Reply]

    Crossover alert! Watch out, Gil Thorp, here comes your new sportswriter, straight outta tha Funkiverse. If that doesn’t bring Milford down, nothing will.

  37. Little Bue Bicycle
    January 24th, 2013 at 9:14 am [Reply]

    A3G: Greg awakens the professor and jealously realizes that Margo somehow shaved part of Santa’s face during their liquor-filled New Years Eve orgy of carnal lust!

    MT: Rod Bassy has no facial hair and is therefore innocent.

    FW: Batiuk has become an echo, not a voice. “Life sucks….sucks…sucks….”

  38. Crankshafts funky smelling corpse
    January 24th, 2013 at 9:18 am [Reply]

    FW: The most horrible part of this is that the old hag and stroker ace actually *adopted* Darin–He’s not even their biological child–he’s just some unwanted crotch-fruit–and NOW she’s basically telling him that she never wanted to be his mom in the first place.

    Way to go, Batuik.

    I think this basically proves that these strips are on auto-pilot, (like spider man) and nobody is actually reading them at the editorial level, and possibly at the consumer level, save for denizens of sites like this.

  39. seismic-2
    January 24th, 2013 at 9:22 am [Reply]

    GT: Man, that peacock in Panel 3 is radiating pride to an extent that I haven’t seen since the most recent Mary Worth “gloat”.

    A3G: Greg is surely going to look like an absolute fool when he chops down the door to Margo’s apartment and finds – er, whatever was in that box. Once the Fire Department shows up and sees the destroyed door, the news reports will spread like wildfire, mocking the new James Bond as a panicky man of inept action. Greg will really need a talented press agent to do damage control by issuing denials and putting positive spin on all those unflattering stories, in order to salvage his career as a movie hero. Let’s see, just who is his publicist, anyway? Oh, right. You’re doomed, Greg.

  40. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    January 24th, 2013 at 9:30 am [Reply]

    When Hobbes met Satchel. *squeeee*

    Presented without comment.

    what Petey fears in today’s rCdS.

    meanwhile, at Rik-Roll in the mall Food Court.

    I haz a happy that Poteet is back.

    o hay! guess what? TDP is a black Lab today!

    Listen and learn, now is time for prancin’. Now we are here withcorgimeldanssen

    PS, It would look something like this.

  41. TurtleBoy
    January 24th, 2013 at 9:30 am [Reply]

    MT: is anyone else as disturbed as I am by the exquisite detail of Bassy’s hand that’s, judging from the coloring, thrust deep inside his trousers as he berates our hero? I suspect his hectoring of Mark is meant to divert attention as he has a quick moment with Li’l Bassy, if you know what I mean.

  42. Nekrotzar
    January 24th, 2013 at 9:35 am [Reply]

    Forty years ago, a young woman full of hopes and dreams prepared herself for the Comic Strip Amateur Draft. She was expected to go in the first few picks, and she had had a really good tryout with Gil Thorpe — she envisioned herself displacing rookie Marty Moon, who had already proved to be high maintenance. But Gil Thorpe instead went for the up-and-comer Clambake, and the young woman instead dropped far enough to be picked up by Funky Winkerbean, the comic strip equivalent of the Clippers. As she went to meet her fate, she muttered to herself that strip characters need to unionize and demand free agency — but deep down she knew she wouldn’t live to see it happen.

  43. Greg
    January 24th, 2013 at 9:38 am [Reply]

    That’s what you have to love about Mark Trail–the subtle, nuanced characterizations. I mean, why don’t they have sex and get it over with already?? (Please dear God get it over with.)

  44. Sequitur
    January 24th, 2013 at 9:39 am [Reply]

    GA: Some shyster is going to con Rufus into investing his whole $100,000 in pigeons and they’ll all fly away (back to the guy that sold him the pigeons).

    I can’t read this.

  45. Lowell
    January 24th, 2013 at 9:39 am [Reply]

    While it’s true that Rod Bassys inflate when their fight or flight response is triggered (which will happen if your angler questions becomes too specific and reasonable), you should also steer clear of their left hands, which they will coat generously with their own feces.

  46. Alter Ego
    January 24th, 2013 at 9:41 am [Reply]

    love is… using hypnosis.

  47. Don A in Pennsyltucky
    January 24th, 2013 at 9:42 am [Reply]

    MT: Do I detect some “foreshadowing” or is this just the Elrod notion of foreplay in which he teases us with the notion that Rod Bassy might be doing something illegal only to reveal in the end that he really is The World’s Greatest Bass Fisherdude?

  48. Liam
    January 24th, 2013 at 9:42 am [Reply]

    MT-”This old lady I take advice from tells me that I need to plan out my strategy weeks in advance. I need to study the lake, how deep it is, where do the fish do the most biting.”

    MT 2-”Are you saying that I’m doing something illegal? What a horrible slanderous vicious truth.”

  49. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    January 24th, 2013 at 9:43 am [Reply]

    so far this month (year!), 9 of 24 Daily Puppies have NOT been a Retriever or Retriever mix.

    in news of a more comics related nature, Weapon Brown has rebooted as of this week. If you want to get on the plot from the start, now is the time. Yesterday, Zero of the Swampys got hit in the face with a plaz bolt. Wait until Beetle shows up!

  50. Liam
    January 24th, 2013 at 9:44 am [Reply]

    A3G-”That’s what they want you to think, Ari. The government has started this fire to kill us all and they shut off the sprinklers so we would act normal.”

  51. Horace Broon
    January 24th, 2013 at 9:44 am [Reply]

    MT: Rod Bassey is a master of remaining calm under questioning:
    “Do you mind if I ask you about your fishing technique?”
    “I have nothing to hide!”
    “Is it because you know where the fish are?”
    “Are you implying I’m doing something illegal?”
    “How exactly does your special lure work?”
    “You think I’m doping the water so the fish die and float to the surface? That’s an outrageous suggestion!”

  52. NonnyMus
    January 24th, 2013 at 9:47 am [Reply]

    The only way I could imagine you would talk about yourself and your career choices in a hospital waiting room because of your spouse’s grave illness is if your career choices caused the grave illness or injury.

    So, I guess Darrin’s mom wrote a sports article so bad that it caused Darrin’s dad’s stroke!

  53. word-doctor
    January 24th, 2013 at 9:48 am [Reply]

    MT: Written for those who have wetdreams about Virgil Ward… “You can either use a slow pumping motion or a steady retrieve.”

  54. Digger
    January 24th, 2013 at 9:49 am [Reply]

    A3G: “Now, I shall put out the fire using my mighty ax! Wait, I’m not Thor? Oh, that’s right, I’m James Bond. Well, bugger that.”

  55. hogenmogen
    January 24th, 2013 at 9:52 am [Reply]

    Kudos to Mark Trail??

    He feigns passivity in order to get Rod Bassy to trip himself up. “The way you reel in the lure is as effective as the type of lure that you are using!” Now some fawning compliments. “I know you have the best equipment in the league. You must be fantastic at the way you pull your rod. Pants down, you’re the … I mean, hands down, you’re the best that there is!”

    Rod spills the beans for Mark. Then, uses handi-wipes to clean the mess.

    Of beans. They spilled. Beans spilled. Nothing else, ok?

  56. the Modesto kid
    January 24th, 2013 at 9:53 am [Reply]

  57. hogenmogen
    January 24th, 2013 at 9:57 am [Reply]

    A3G: The Professor sleeps in his suit?

    Why is he called “The Professor” outside of the University? Tommie isn’t called “Nurse Tommie” outside the hospital. Greg isn’t called “The Actor”, even on the set, should he ever actually visit the set. Margo is never called “The Tugboat Captain” when she’s not on board.

    Lu Ann is frequently called “The Ditzy Blonde Airhead”; that’s the exception that proves the rule, I suppose.

  58. Rocky Stoneaxe
    January 24th, 2013 at 10:00 am [Reply]

    @gleeb (#35): Paul Lawrence Dunbar

    Personally, I’m more of a Dixie Dunbar fan:

    http://oldtimers.datacenter1portal4you.com/jwallpapers_files/2011/4/big_thumb_a068fa243f9beb45778d3932c8b5667d.jpg

    Great set of wheels, too!

  59. Katzndogz
    January 24th, 2013 at 10:01 am [Reply]

    @Liam (#16) Exactly what I was thinking about MW. I can see the next strip showing a dozen practice cakes in the background as Mary and whatsisname brainstorm on what they could use to simulate a “weighty and delicate” cake.

  60. Cleve Barrister
    January 24th, 2013 at 10:02 am [Reply]

    @Cloudbuster (#13): Yes, I think we can safely assume Batiuk has never been married if he thinks marriage ruins your life (or, maybe he’s just trying to convince himself it’s a good thing every woman out there rejected him)

  61. Sequitur
    January 24th, 2013 at 10:03 am [Reply]

    Josh and MT: I think Josh has a future as a nature show narrator only he would narrate comic strips like they were nature or something.

    I hope that doesn’t go against his nature.

  62. hogenmogen
    January 24th, 2013 at 10:05 am [Reply]

    Mark Trail: Dale Ernhart, do you win because your car is faster or is it because of your driving skill?

    Dale: I didn’t do anything illegal! You can’t prove I did it! The payments to the officials were cash – untraceable! I have an alibi for when my opponent’s brakes were cut! The drugs are all out of my bloodstream now! That non-regulation engine that we used is removed! So you go ahead and try to put something on me! Go ahead!

  63. hogenmogen
    January 24th, 2013 at 10:06 am [Reply]

    Mark Trail went to an interview without a notepad or recording device? Just a camera?

  64. hogenmogen
    January 24th, 2013 at 10:07 am [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#61): If you go against your nature, that’s part of nature too.

  65. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    January 24th, 2013 at 10:07 am [Reply]

    @the Modesto kid (#56): *SNURK! & the Love Is example*

  66. Dood
    January 24th, 2013 at 10:09 am [Reply]

    Margo owns the building, right? Which means those sprinkler-thingies are just for show and the axe is a foam-rubber replica.

  67. Maltmasher
    January 24th, 2013 at 10:11 am [Reply]

    Well, now we know how the Fcreator of the Lockhorns makes ends meet- he sells tales of hollow, lifeless marriages to the Funkiverse.

  68. Maltmasher
    January 24th, 2013 at 10:13 am [Reply]

    When will they just change the name of the strip from “Marvin” to “Poop!”

  69. Liam
    January 24th, 2013 at 10:16 am [Reply]

    @Dood (#66):

    Margo loves the smell of burning flesh. Something about it reminds her of home without the accompanying smells of sulfur and brimstone.

  70. Dood
    January 24th, 2013 at 10:18 am [Reply]

    Mark Trail: “Can you speak up? I’m not sure my camera’s getting this.”

  71. Rocky Stoneaxe
    January 24th, 2013 at 10:20 am [Reply]

    @hogenmogen (#57): Because it’s easier to call him “The Professor” than it is to call him “Aristotle Papagoras.” (Hey, it’s all Greek to me!)

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#58): My favorite photo of Dixie Dunbar (seen here standing next to an unknown actress):

    http://www.shorpy.com/node/3597

  72. Pozzo
    January 24th, 2013 at 10:23 am [Reply]

    Marvin: I’m kind of surprised that the stink lines aren’t actually visible in the photograph.

  73. Rusty
    January 24th, 2013 at 10:24 am [Reply]

    FW: Batiuk hears the expression “I became an echo, not a voice.” He jots it down on his little sketch pad he apparently carries everywhere, pizza places in Akron and on top of Mount Kilimanjaro. “Ah,” he thinks to himself, “That really captures the angst of aging women everywhere.” He then writes and draws about 20 daily strips that allow him to use that phrase in what he believes is a poignant moment of pure art. The creative process, ladies and gentlemen.

  74. Comrade Denny
    January 24th, 2013 at 10:26 am [Reply]

    @hogenmogen (#63): I think he’s simply giving up on the pretense that he’s any kind of writer. I mean, he hadn’t even even bothered to write up his Caribbean adventure when Bill Ellis sent him off to cover this pro bass tournament.

    Before that, he solved a murder, freeing an innocent man in the process, but once again, Bill Ellis intervened before the story was written to take him bonefishing on the company yacht. Before that he broke a diamond smuggling ring, got shot in the head, and was marooned on an island of drug smugglers, and he broke that ring — yet, no story. And then there were the adventures of the bank robbers, the dope growers, and the underground raccoon fighting ring — no story, no story, and no story.

    All told, Mark Trail’s life is one-part Gary Paulsen and two-parts Elmore Leonard, but he never rights a single story about any of it. Exactly why Bill Ellis keeps him on the payroll is an enduring mystery to me.

  75. Perky Bird
    January 24th, 2013 at 10:29 am [Reply]

    I look forward to seeing the Professor and Greg take the sign literally and attempt to beat out the flames with the axe.

  76. Spotts1701
    January 24th, 2013 at 10:30 am [Reply]

    FW: Even by this strip’s standards this is incredibly depressing. But it’s another ticky box marked off on Tommy boy’s “serious issues” checklist.

    PBS: That was about as subtle as a hand grenade in a barrel of oatmeal. It’s true, but still…

  77. Droopy Says
    January 24th, 2013 at 10:30 am [Reply]

    @hogenmogen(#63): Ironically, Jack Elrod has no clip art of paper and pencils.

  78. Doctor Handsome
    January 24th, 2013 at 10:31 am [Reply]

    It’s pretty obvious at this point that corn-fed lummox Rod Bassy is a dupe, unaware that his success is all due to the highly illegal voodoo lure provided to him by a mysterious, almost-certainly-bearded Svengali. Mark, adept at dealing with the congnitively disabled, wisely gives the ungainly man-beast an out: “Uh, or maybe you just reel ‘em in real good, right? Yay, Rod Bassy!”

  79. Rocky Stoneaxe
    January 24th, 2013 at 10:33 am [Reply]

    @Comrade Denny (#74): Bill Ellis intervened before the story was written to take him bonefishing on the company yacht.

    You know who else was good at bonefishing?

    http://bmj2k.files.wordpress.com/2010/12/boner-4.jpg

  80. Mibbitmaker
    January 24th, 2013 at 10:37 am [Reply]

    One key difference between generally similar comic creators: In Batiuk strips, the gender oppressed women become “an echo instead of a voice”, but in McEldowney strips, it’s the men.

  81. Sequitur
    January 24th, 2013 at 10:38 am [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#79): You know the writer and artist had to be laughing so hard they pissed their pants when they created that panel.

  82. Tom T.
    January 24th, 2013 at 10:38 am [Reply]

    MT: “Knowing where to fish” is illegal?

    A3G: Are there really buildings in New York that store a large bladed weapon in a box in each hallway?

  83. Mardou Fox
    January 24th, 2013 at 10:39 am [Reply]

    @Little Bue Bicycle (#37): No facial hair, but broken nose. Therefore he is doomed to be punched. The bare face is just a disguise! Note the balding temples, also a sign that Rod Bassy is just a beard in shaved clothing.

  84. NoahSnark
    January 24th, 2013 at 10:40 am [Reply]

    Beneath his business-like berating of Ari, Greg’s heart hammered with excitement. In his dreams he was chasing Margo with a chainsaw but an axe would do. An axe would do.

  85. Comrade Denny
    January 24th, 2013 at 10:41 am [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#79): Are you suggesting that Bill Ellis is some kind of psychotic criminal mastermind who keeps sending Mark on dangerous assignment after dangerous assignment as part of a convoluted scheme to get his hands on Cherry’s hot, buttery pancakes?

  86. pparf
    January 24th, 2013 at 10:44 am [Reply]

    MT: “Oh yeah, I guess you’re right. I’m just the most world renowned fisherman there is, but thanks, I needed the art of fishing explained to me.”

  87. Sequitur
    January 24th, 2013 at 10:48 am [Reply]

    @Comrade Denny (#85): Rats, now you’ve made me want pancakes and IHOP is clear across town.

  88. seismic-2
    January 24th, 2013 at 10:51 am [Reply]

    MT: Is it illegal to catch bass by using your magical brown left hand as a lure, or by squirting out the poisonous puffer-fish venom in your veins that enables you to inflate yourself to such an enormous size?

  89. bats :[
    January 24th, 2013 at 10:54 am [Reply]

  90. Doctor Handsome
    January 24th, 2013 at 10:57 am [Reply]

    Lady, if the this is the level of prose the world missed out on when your writing career was shelved, unfulfilling housewifery was absolutely the right call.

  91. The good ship thetis
    January 24th, 2013 at 10:57 am [Reply]

    @Rusty (#73):
    My guess is that, catching up on his reading, he just encountered “The Feminine Mystique.”

  92. Rocky Stoneaxe
    January 24th, 2013 at 11:00 am [Reply]

    @Comrade Denny (#85): An anagram for “Bill Ellis” is “bi sell ill,” so I’m pretty sure Mark’s boss is a criminal mastermind/white slaver who sells diseased people to other diseased people.

  93. bats :[
    January 24th, 2013 at 11:02 am [Reply]

    @Alter Ego (#46): I have to admit that I’m impressed. Is this the first time the artist has attempted to use perspective and interesting angles in his work, rather than cutting-and-pasting from the standard ten or so templates that are used the rest of the time?

  94. pepperjackcandy
    January 24th, 2013 at 11:03 am [Reply]

    Is it too soon after the Lance Armstrong thing to suggest that Rod Bassy’s secret is performance-enhancing drugs?

  95. pugfuggly
    January 24th, 2013 at 11:04 am [Reply]

    MT Tip for writers: having a character saying things like ‘I have nothing to hide!’ and ‘Are you saying I’m doing something illegal?’ in the first few minutes after introducing them is not so much foreshadowing as forebludgeoning.

    FW Another tip for writers: variety is the spice of life. If you’re constantly writing bleak, maudlin plots, why not make one with a twist by taking a depressing situation (say, the death of a loved one) and make it depressing in a whole, new unexpected way?

    A3G Two things I learned about the professor today:

    (1) He sleeps standing up in this living room fully clothed.
    (2) He’s a collector of antique fire axes, which he keeps in his apartment.

  96. hogenmogen
    January 24th, 2013 at 11:04 am [Reply]

    Marvin: Still waiting for the introduction of digital scratch-n-sniff photography.

  97. bats :[
    January 24th, 2013 at 11:06 am [Reply]

    @the Modesto kid (#56): Fabuloso! Good for today’s MT, too.

  98. Anondod
    January 24th, 2013 at 11:08 am [Reply]

    Mark Trail: I think the weird size-changing, strange diction, bizarre anachronisms and fixation on facial hair is just due to Mark being really, really high all the time. Mark Trail isn’t a half-assed comic strip about a half-assed journalist punching hairy-faced criminals; it’s an intense psychological exploration of the mind of a man with a serious drug problem (who also happens to be a half-assed journalist). Is Rusty a hallucination? Is Mark’s wife eternally unsatisfied not because of Mark’s asexuality but because of his drug-induced impotence? Does Mark actually believe his world is populated by giant-sized animals that speak for him and the people around him?

  99. AhClem
    January 24th, 2013 at 11:11 am [Reply]

    MW – At first I thought this cake-decorating arc was going to rival the “Mary finds a lost dog and returns it to its owner” story of a few years ago for sheer bee-grinding boredom. But now that it has veered into “intricacies and details of cake transportation”, it’s clear my original assumption was incorrect.

  100. Joshua
    January 24th, 2013 at 11:11 am [Reply]

    Luann: Is Greg Evans trying to set up a situation in which most of the cast all wind up at the same university? I sure hope not.

  101. hogenmogen
    January 24th, 2013 at 11:11 am [Reply]

    MT: So, Rod, you’re the best in the Southern Part of the State Angler League! Have you ever fished to feed a starving villiage? No? Ok. Have you ever fished in shark infested waters with your own kidnapper who was intent on killing you? Not lately? Fished a rifle right out of a terrorist’s hands? Alright, I’ll put that down as a “No” also…

  102. Liam
    January 24th, 2013 at 11:12 am [Reply]

    FW-”And then you came along and I became an echo of an echo of a voice.”

    Pluggers-Pluggers don’t trust doctors who don’t use leeches.

    MW-Might I recommend carrying bags of sand that weigh the same as the cake.

  103. Chip
    January 24th, 2013 at 11:13 am [Reply]

    A3G: Just WHAT are you supposed to do with the ax?

    Love Is: Her burying her face in you naked lap!

    SM: Now Peter can use the meager pittance he earned as a janitor to bail out J.J.!

  104. Doctor Handsome
    January 24th, 2013 at 11:15 am [Reply]

    “There’s a fire, Ari! I need that axe!” “Are you sure, Greg? The sprinklers didn’t come on.” “It’s fire, I tell you! Axe me!” “I don’t see any flames or even smell any smoke.” “LISTEN, OLD MAN. YOU BETTER GIVE ME THAT FUCKING AXE AND GET OUT OF MY WAY.” “Oh, now I see how there might be a fire. It’ll be a real shame if Margo gets hurt!”

  105. Guts Dozier
    January 24th, 2013 at 11:16 am [Reply]

    Rod Bassy’s pants are so tight that the fingers of his left hand are visible even while in his pocket.

  106. Liam
    January 24th, 2013 at 11:18 am [Reply]

    FW-”I would picture myself in the locker room full of half naked men interviewing them after a big game. Their bodies glistening with sweat.”

  107. hogenmogen
    January 24th, 2013 at 11:19 am [Reply]

    So Greg breaks the glass, Ari calls 911, the ambulance shows up and takes Greg to the hospital for 21 stitches in his hand from breaking the glass.

    Margo dies unattended. So sad.

  108. hogenmogen
    January 24th, 2013 at 11:20 am [Reply]

    @Chip (#103): “A3G: Just WHAT are you supposed to do with the ax?”

    Greg: I’m going to kill the bloody bastard who woke me up by starting a buggering fire!

  109. Sequitur
    January 24th, 2013 at 11:21 am [Reply]

    This is the mug Wally (from Dilbert) needs only for his coffee.

    Seriously, I have five mugs scattered about my home stuffed with pencils, pens and small screwdrivers (because you never know when you’ll need a screwdriver) and at least half the pens don’t work anymore and the pencils need sharpening and their erasers are like hard carbon.

    I need help.

    I also have too many mugs.

  110. hogenmogen
    January 24th, 2013 at 11:23 am [Reply]

    Pluggers: When you’re way beyond retirement age, would you trust a doctor OLDER than you? Like a doddering centurnarian making comical references to medical techniques that have been obsolete for decades? If he went all-in and charged Eisenhower-era prices, I’d consider it, of course.

  111. Sequitur
    January 24th, 2013 at 11:24 am [Reply]

    Sally Forth: Oooh, a comic strip that’s aware of its past. I like.

  112. Dood
    January 24th, 2013 at 11:25 am [Reply]

    Apartment 3-G: “Wait a minute, is this about Margo? If so, you’re going to need something bigger than a fire axe.”

  113. Elk Meadow
    January 24th, 2013 at 11:26 am [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#1):

    Heart Mountain internment camp was in Wyoming.

  114. hogenmogen
    January 24th, 2013 at 11:26 am [Reply]

    Archie: A rare, funny one! Unfortunately, I was so put off by Archie packing snow with his bare hands that I couldn’t get into the punchline. AJGLU3K, can’t you get three consecutive panels without a gaffe?

  115. Elk Meadow
    January 24th, 2013 at 11:27 am [Reply]

    Sorry, I’m not in much of a fun mood. I already read Funky, Betty, Sally Forth and FOOB and now my day is ruined.

  116. Cloudbuster
    January 24th, 2013 at 11:30 am [Reply]

    @Tom T. (#82): Are there really buildings in New York that store a large bladed weapon in a box in each hallway?

    Maybe 30-40 years ago, back before everyone went insane and couldn’t be trusted. I seem to remember seeing a few of them in my youth. Because we weren’t all thieves and maniacs back then, you’d think when you saw one “Cool axe!” but you wouldn’t take it, because, you know, what exactly are you going to do with a friggin’ giant axe, unless you’re a lumberjack?

  117. Comrade Denny
    January 24th, 2013 at 11:31 am [Reply]

    @pugfuggly (#95):

    …and make it depressing in a whole, new unexpected way?

    Batty’s already done cancer, dementia, amnesia, strokes, alcoholism, lost limbs, torn ACLs, domestic violence, dreams deferred, dreams denied, suicide, breaking snide, drug addiction, racial friction, unjust eviction, non-creative nonfiction, sudden layoffs, lost playoffs, hag-boffs, smirking jag-offs, cheating, choking, upchucking, tongue-clucking, everybody sucking, good-thing mucking, slumps, mumps, dumps, time jumps, repression, depression, recession, gay-bashing, car-smashing, head-gashing, wrist-slashing, tongue-lashing, stalkers, balkers, close-talkers, gloom, doom, spoke-to-soon, marital strife, ghost wife, slice-of-life, abandonment, adoption, co-option, bad puns, stale buns, the runs, crappy pizza, and straight up murder.

    I’m not sure there’s anything left that could be called “new” or “unexpected.”

  118. Red Greenback
    January 24th, 2013 at 11:31 am [Reply]

    MT: A man of no words*.

    * Sort of a riff on Garfield without Garfield

  119. Gal Friday
    January 24th, 2013 at 11:32 am [Reply]

    @pugfuggly (#95): You beat me to it!

    A3G: Ari may be blase about this fire, but he wasn’t blase about fire preparation! Keeping a regulation ax in his apartment.

    Didn’t Greg help Margo to bed? So, there’s no need to break down the door . . .

    MW: This is the first time ever that Chekov’s “gun” has been “carrying a cake.”

  120. hogenmogen
    January 24th, 2013 at 11:32 am [Reply]

    MT: Mr. Bassy, I couldn’t help but notice that your nose seems slightly out of alignment…. Have we punched before?

  121. hogenmogen
    January 24th, 2013 at 11:33 am [Reply]

    MW: Let’s practice with something heavy and delicate. Care to risk your entire porcelain swan collection, Mary?

  122. Rocky Stoneaxe
    January 24th, 2013 at 11:34 am [Reply]

    @Elk Meadow (#113): More information on the Heart Mountain Relocation Center (yes, that’s what it was called!):

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Heart_Mountain_Relocation_Center

  123. bats :[
    January 24th, 2013 at 11:34 am [Reply]

    @AhClem (#99): But who will crack under the pressure? Will either? Both? Mary first? Or John? No matter how it goes, you know you want to see it!

  124. Mibbitmaker
    January 24th, 2013 at 11:36 am [Reply]

    BBlues: This strip just gave Jimmy Carter some horrifying flashbacks!

    ReFOOB: He’s a male chauvinist. He doesn’t want to.

    Garfield: It’s beautiful nature. It’s meant to be enjoyed without (endlessly stated cultural prejudice against) TV. So forget that unnecessary intrusion and enjoy this beautiful day!

    MW: THE BIG DAY!–
    “Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the 8th annual Cake Carrying Contest….!”

    Luann: Careful, kids, this is how FOOB ‘jumped the shark’!
    ….Well, this is already a ridiculous strip with a creator who badly manipulates characters, and you’re already a now-creepy jerk like Blanthony, Gunther, and…..
    Nevermind. As you were….

    Glibporn: “Of course, you’re a female in a McEldowney strip — so naturally you’re a gifted succubus!”

  125. hogenmogen
    January 24th, 2013 at 11:37 am [Reply]

    @Comrade Denny (#74): It was a plot point that he scooped his own co-worker on the bible-goose-gold-valley-of-tame-animals story. I think he also did write something on the racoon fighting ring. The readers of Mark Trail that don’t find it hilarious probably need to be told that forcing racoons to fight to the death for their amusement is a no-no.

  126. Doctor Handsome
    January 24th, 2013 at 11:38 am [Reply]

    I’ve gotta say, Marvin’s chagrin in panel 3 seems unearned. “I may have painstakingly set up the gag to the point that it almost works better without your tortured punchline, but drawing attention to the overpowering stench of my feces is over the line!”

  127. Liam
    January 24th, 2013 at 11:38 am [Reply]

    Marvin-Another day. Another poop joke.

  128. hogenmogen
    January 24th, 2013 at 11:39 am [Reply]

    Garfiled: It can’t be nature. There’s not enough PINK.

  129. Elk Meadow
    January 24th, 2013 at 11:39 am [Reply]

    All I have to look forward to is the whole Apartment 3-G building burning because no one who has smelled smoke has called 911 when there’s an axe to grab, just like no one who has a gun calls 911 when they first hear someone trying to turn the door handle.

    Maybe Mary will drop the cake? Nope.

    Delores and the second gun? Maybe. Although I am hoping that Dr. Jeff Corey will slip away from Mary while she’s hanging around John, and go to the pool party going on over at Rex Morgan M.D., although it seems that Mary needs Jeff to drive her from one side of Charterstone to the other.

  130. Downpuppy, Forever
    January 24th, 2013 at 11:40 am [Reply]

    @Joshua (#100): The Luann squad should, of course, go to UC Sunnydale. Surely they’ve filled in the giant hole by now, & a new one is ready to open?

  131. hogenmogen
    January 24th, 2013 at 11:41 am [Reply]

    @Cloudbuster (#116): Yeah, they removed all the axes and replaced them with AR-15s.

  132. Not Worth It
    January 24th, 2013 at 11:41 am [Reply]

    Marvin – Once again proving this strip knows nothing about dogs. My dog is delighted when she discovers some poop, and if it’s not fresh enough to eat (she’s picky about that), she carefully inspects it, then deliberately pees on top of it. That photo should show the dog cocking his leg in preparation for giving Marvin the bath of a lifetime.

  133. Spotts1701
    January 24th, 2013 at 11:42 am [Reply]

    @Joshua (#100): If he is, given the current pacing of the strip we wouldn’t know until 2025 or so.

  134. hogenmogen
    January 24th, 2013 at 11:42 am [Reply]

    MW: You know John will drop the cake. Mary: You DILLWEED!

  135. Steve
    January 24th, 2013 at 11:45 am [Reply]

    “Today’s Apartment 3-G is a must-read!” Tom said gregariously.

  136. Stroker Ace
    January 24th, 2013 at 11:46 am [Reply]

    FW – Euthanasia now for all.

  137. Liam
    January 24th, 2013 at 11:46 am [Reply]

    MW-”How about a dead body? Do bodies weigh as much as our cake?”

  138. Liam
    January 24th, 2013 at 11:48 am [Reply]

    A3G-”But, Greg, we live in the rich and fasionable section of New York. Fires only happen to the poor and ugly people.”

  139. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    January 24th, 2013 at 11:48 am [Reply]

    ok show of hands, from those folks who have been reading the GWS guest-strips.

    GWS vs Vespavenger limited series?

    I’d buy it.

  140. Sequitur
    January 24th, 2013 at 11:49 am [Reply]

    @Comrade Denny (#117): Yes. It is a comic strip.

  141. T. Chicana
    January 24th, 2013 at 11:53 am [Reply]

    MW: I’m picturing Mary like Indiana Jones with that idol, measuring sand into a little sack, pouring some out, dodging poison darts…

    FW: I’m sure the local paper could use some sports stringers, lady. Get yourself down there and then check out some wrestling matches while your hubby recuperates. Sheesh.

  142. John C
    January 24th, 2013 at 11:55 am [Reply]

    A3G: The firemen will find Greg with a bloody axe, crying that he was not able to save the “burning” Margo by whacking her with it.

    FW: Tomorrow’s strip, Ann continues: “I plan to get my life back. I am going to send a terminator back in time to kill Fred right as I meet him. Then I’ll have the terminator show clips from my life showing how awful it was with him and how I became an echo and not a voice. He will then tell me to leave this God-forsaken place if I want to live.”

    Marvin’s: His joy at causing others misery with the stink bomb he released tells me that he will become history’s next mass murderer.

  143. Doctor Handsome
    January 24th, 2013 at 11:55 am [Reply]

    @Steve (#135): BOOOOO! *throws tomatoes*

  144. John C
    January 24th, 2013 at 11:58 am [Reply]

    Mark Trail:

    Mark: Do you think you’re catching fish based more on your lure or more off your experience?
    Rod: ARE YOU SAYING I’M DOING SOMETHING ILLEGAL??
    Mark: Umm….yes?

  145. Holly Folly
    January 24th, 2013 at 12:00 pm [Reply]

    I really wonder about Mark Trail. Mr. Rod up there is doing everything he can short of shouting “It’s all a lie! I rigged the whole thing!” To tell Mark that he is being crushed by the terrible, terrible guilt of cheating at pro fishing. I guess? Either that or there is a body at the bottom of a lake somewhere. Yet poor unintelligent Mark just keeps asking questions, determined to go on with his interview despite the increasing agitation of his host.

    I don’t know who to feel sadder for here, really.

  146. Sequitur
    January 24th, 2013 at 12:00 pm [Reply]

    MW: Are they going to try to transport the cake entirely assembled?

    My sister-in-law does large cakes for weddings. She has a station wagon with a non-skid mat in the back. She transports the cake with the tiers seperated then assembles the cake on site and smooths out the connections between the tiers. Each tier by itself is easy to carry and not awkward like it would be if one tried to carry an assembled cake.

  147. Perky Bird
    January 24th, 2013 at 12:00 pm [Reply]

    I work for a small Federal agency that is celebrating its 10th anniversary. This morning we had a little celebration that included a small but incredibly thick one-layer cake. The woman who ordered it said it actually weighed 30 pounds. Unlike Mary and Mr. Dill, she had a little cart to move it around. I kept looking at the cake and thinking, “I wonder how Mary and Mr. Dill would have managed to move that thing?” Sadly, the cake did not contain pink frosting, white flowers, or shaved coconut. When sliced, however, it did reveal a layer of a strange blue filling I referred to as “pureed Smurf.”

  148. pugfuggly
    January 24th, 2013 at 12:00 pm [Reply]

    @Comrade Denny (#117):

    I’m not sure there’s anything left that could be called “new” or “unexpected.”

    Sure, he’s done all those depressing things you listed on their own, but how about in combination, like today ? Take your list of 54 depressing events and make a matrix out of it, and suddenly you’ve got 1431 new hybrid miseries just waiting to be explored. For instance:

    -a round of sudden layoffs at the high school is exacerbated by a breakout of the mumps.
    -Les’ ghost wife becomes an alcoholic
    -Montoni’s crappy pizza is shown to be linked to several case of suicide in Westview

    and on and on….

  149. Mr. Mxyzptlk
    January 24th, 2013 at 12:05 pm [Reply]

    Doonesbury- A third generation on the way? Is Doonesbury going to be another Gasoline Alley? (But with ponderous political references?)

  150. LP2004
    January 24th, 2013 at 12:05 pm [Reply]

    The current Mary Worth storyline is not only failing to generate any suspense or excitement, it’s actually so dull that it’s creating negative suspense and excitement. In effect, it’s draining the suspense and excitement from our universe. This would be bad enough in itself, but at the same time Funky Winkerbean is apparently attempting to pour an alternate universe’s entire supply of depression and despair into this one.

    If something isn’t done soon, this combination will bring on a crisis of apocalyptic proportions.

  151. Aviatrix
    January 24th, 2013 at 12:08 pm [Reply]

    @CanuckDownSouth (Y331):

    sooo …. why not practice carrying the practice cake??

    What’s this about cake? They’re working on matching their rhythms.

    @Mardou Fox (#23): I told you Bassy was African-American. He fished for years with no recognition, then as soon as he started wearing pale makeup–bang! so much media attention he didn’t have time to white up his left hand today.

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#30): La Cage Aux Folles is a closer fit.

    @Comrade Denny (#74):

    Exactly why Bill Ellis keeps him on the payroll is an enduring mystery to me.

    I assumed Mark was paid piecework, but maybe he really knows how to reel his lure in.

    @Tom T. (#82): I know, eh? You’d think in New York the publicly accessibly emergency weapon would be at minimum a handgun.

    @Sequitur (#109): It was an epiphany when I realized that I could take my excess mugs out of the cupboard and put them around the house to hold pens. It never occurred to me that I might have too many pens. Too many pens? There’s such a thing?

    @Mibbitmaker (#124): A succubus bad at her job would be funnier.

  152. Voshkod
    January 24th, 2013 at 12:09 pm [Reply]

    @Mr. Mxyzptlk (#149): At least Trudeau has the guts to kill of his characters from time to time.

  153. LP2004
    January 24th, 2013 at 12:09 pm [Reply]

    @LP2004 (#150): “This is the way the world ends: not with a bang, but a smirk and a dropped cake.’

    (From Famous Rejected First Drafts, Vol. 37.)

  154. Sequitur
    January 24th, 2013 at 12:09 pm [Reply]

    @LP2004 (#150): It’s called writing!

  155. Aviatrix
    January 24th, 2013 at 12:10 pm [Reply]

    @hogenmogen (#131): I was afraid to venture that far. Probably because I only have edged weapons available to me.

  156. Aviatrix
    January 24th, 2013 at 12:12 pm [Reply]

    @word-doctor (#53): Mark Trail is the only person in the world who could say his line without innuendo. The depth of Mark’s naïvité is just dawning on Bassy. He suppresses the urge to tell Mark his stats with the ladies, and tries to hide his smile as he thinks about how he can use Mark to his advantage.

  157. Comrade Denny
    January 24th, 2013 at 12:12 pm [Reply]

    @pugfuggly (#148): If we can find a way to tie the matrix to 20-sided dice, we’ll have ourselves a new RPG — Downers & Doldrums.

  158. Aviatrix
    January 24th, 2013 at 12:14 pm [Reply]

    @wossname (#27): My first thought was, “Aw $#!%. That’s how they’re going to resolve Drew, university and babies. She’s going to miscarry.” Maybe it’s just to have us on tenterhooks.

    //I was going to put a comma after university, but IIRC she’s at MIT.

    Usually it’s the men who blab in the first trimester, because they just don’t know how many pregnancies don’t go that far, but Alex is definitely the naïve one in this relationship. Western society has created such a strong mythos that all pregnancies result in live births, that women feel shame as well as grief when they don’t. I once had a co-worker from a Pacific island who was shocked to discover Canadians have baby showers before the baby is born. In her culture it was taboo to acknowledge a pregnancy.

  159. Sequitur
    January 24th, 2013 at 12:19 pm [Reply]

    @Aviatrix (#158):

    In her culture it was taboo to acknowledge a pregnancy.

    So the husband says, “Looks like you’re putting on some weight, Honey.”

    “Oh, yeah. You know me and coconut!”

    Then suddenly, “SURPRISE! You’re a DADDY!”

  160. Aviatrix
    January 24th, 2013 at 12:20 pm [Reply]

    A3G: It’s always a good day in the comics when a white guy whose neighbours consider him quiet threatens to pick up a fireaxe.

    I was first introduced to Dick Tracy when he spent about a month in a misshapen building yelling at a blob that I think was a man, discussing who was going to kill whom. It’s still disorienting to have the strip so beautiful now, and making logical sense.

  161. bats :[
    January 24th, 2013 at 12:21 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#146): Well, that’s only because your sister isn’t a dope. :D

  162. Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol
    January 24th, 2013 at 12:26 pm [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#79): Dave was good a bonefishing. Life is brutal.

  163. Dood
    January 24th, 2013 at 12:31 pm [Reply]

    Apartment 3-G: “Wait a minute, Greg! If there’s axe-whacking to be done, shouldn’t we rely on Margo?”

  164. Aviatrix
    January 24th, 2013 at 12:32 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#159): Hey, imagine if our pregnancy and death taboos were reversed. So instead of people saying, “Oh my God, you look like you’re ready to pop any day now!” to pregnant strangers, they’d say, “Oh my God, you look like you’re ready to pop off any day now!” to enfeebled elderly strangers. You’d tell grandma, “We’re doing a family cruise in October, but you’ll probably be dead by then,” and ask casual acquaintances how many weeks they had left to live.

  165. Dood
    January 24th, 2013 at 12:33 pm [Reply]

    Apartment 3-G: “There’s a typo in that sign, Greg. This is Margo’s personal axe, which she uses ‘in case of ire.’”

  166. Comrade Denny
    January 24th, 2013 at 12:34 pm [Reply]

    @Aviatrix (#164): Plus, when upon seeing a sick or elderly person, strangers will put their hands, uninvited, on said person’s heart to see if it’s still beating.

  167. Sequitur
    January 24th, 2013 at 12:35 pm [Reply]

    Ziggy: Hey! Ziggy! I’m talking to you! Ever hear of Paulie?

  168. Nehemiah Scudder
    January 24th, 2013 at 12:41 pm [Reply]

    Brewster Rockit: Poor Winky! Just last week he hurt his spleen when a giant meteor fell on him.

  169. Marion Delgado
    January 24th, 2013 at 12:45 pm [Reply]

    Any of you curminions who agreed with Josh that Greg was a poor 007 – behold! He’s using Aristotole as the other part of “we” in the sentence “we need the fire ax.” Degree of difficulty for rescue just went up 9 points. Also, style points.

  170. Sequitur
    January 24th, 2013 at 12:46 pm [Reply]

    @Aviatrix (#164): Or if we had ceremonies following a circumcision.

    No, wait…

  171. Dood
    January 24th, 2013 at 12:46 pm [Reply]

    Can we get more panels of Rod Bassy going full-De Niro?

  172. gleeb
    January 24th, 2013 at 12:47 pm [Reply]

    @pugfuggly (#148): -Les’ ghost wife becomes an alcoholic

    Spirits, eh?

  173. Sequitur
    January 24th, 2013 at 12:48 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#168): A giant meteor fell on your Winky?

    That’s gotta leave a mark.

  174. Charterstoned
    January 24th, 2013 at 12:55 pm [Reply]

    MT- I’m going to have nightmares about that brown hand.

  175. Comrade Denny
    January 24th, 2013 at 12:59 pm [Reply]

    @T. Chicana (#141):

    Get yourself down there and then check out some wrestling matches while your hubby recuperates. Sheesh.

    Sound advice, but we all know that in Funky Winkerbean when life gives you lemons, you squeeze’em in your eyes.

    @Charterstoned (#174):

    MT- I’m going to have nightmares about that brown hand.

    His shadow is cast wherever he stands,
    Rod Bassy Killer lures in his brown left hand!

  176. Liam
    January 24th, 2013 at 1:04 pm [Reply]

    A3G-”I need this ax to break down Margo’s door that she told me she keeps unlocked because it sticks so I can look like some type of hero.”

  177. Nehemiah Scudder
    January 24th, 2013 at 1:06 pm [Reply]

    RMMD: Delores only had the six bullets in the gun? I thought they sold those things by the box.

  178. Amos Snarkadder
    January 24th, 2013 at 1:07 pm [Reply]

    FC – Ha ha. Dolly doesn’t exactly look like she’s a picky eater. She hasn’t missed a meal since 1958.

    MT – I’m telling you, Rod Bassy is using sonar. But this time he’ll get caught when his sonar causes Rusty unit to malfuntion.

  179. terrapin
    January 24th, 2013 at 1:09 pm [Reply]

    A3G: “Don’t worry, Ari! I was a boy scout! I have my whittlin’ chip!”

    MT: Is anyone else thinking that Rod Bassy is probably Gunther’s dad?

  180. Calico
    January 24th, 2013 at 1:10 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#177):
    Well, she does have another gun in the drawer, presumably loaded.
    Jesus, instead of just taking the damn bullets, if anything like that happened here, Delores would be at CHUQ (Hopital Univ. Laval Quebec City) or CRUV (our excellent mental / holistic counseling center, with, yes, a lockdown center) getting some serious help.
    I mean, June is a Nurse! WTF

  181. Calico
    January 24th, 2013 at 1:11 pm [Reply]

    @Amos Snarkadder (#178):
    Is sonar illegal in competitions? I haven’t fished in years, and that was fly fishing in VT.

  182. Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol
    January 24th, 2013 at 1:11 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#177): The good stuff currently runs $18 per box of 25 rounds.

  183. Government Cheese
    January 24th, 2013 at 1:13 pm [Reply]

    MT: Notice that in panel 2, Rod Bassy has his hands down his see-through brown silk pants, preparing to do something lewd and inappropriate if Mark answers incorrectly. However, in panel 3, Rod is very much “a ho ho ho you answered right”, but still sweating from the near-lewdness.

    Luann: What Gunther, you can’t get into an Ivy League? I thought you were the smartest/best-connectec guy in the class? And to think, I always thought he got his plaid from J. Crew.

  184. Calico
    January 24th, 2013 at 1:15 pm [Reply]

    @Government Cheese (#183):
    Is he touching his bassy rod?
    This stuff writes itself sometimes, like the current MW story. I’m sure John will try to put the moves on Ms. Worth eventually.

  185. Dr. Weird
    January 24th, 2013 at 1:16 pm [Reply]

    A3G

    I’m fascinated by the lower-case emergency sign over the fire axe. Is ee cummings in charge of the safety equipment for the building?

  186. Sequitur
    January 24th, 2013 at 1:17 pm [Reply]

    @Calico (#184): Mary always likes to use a bit of dill when she cooks.

  187. seismic-2
    January 24th, 2013 at 1:17 pm [Reply]

    FW: “Mrs. Fairgood? Your husband just got out of surgery. We installed a catheter, and…”
    “Yeah, got it – stroke, blockage, partial paralysis on one side, slurred speech, meds, lengthy rehab, yadda yadda yadda. Well, enough about him. Now let’s talk about me!”

    @Comrade Denny (#74): Exactly why Bill Ellis keeps him on the payroll is an enduring mystery to me.
    “More bonefish, mule!”

  188. Government Cheese
    January 24th, 2013 at 1:20 pm [Reply]

    @Calico (#184): He was about to touch his bassy rod, so it seems. As for MW, Mary will end up jumping out naked from the cake. I guarantee it (in Men’s Warehouse guy voice).

  189. Liam
    January 24th, 2013 at 1:23 pm [Reply]

    A3G-Ari, we don’t have time to argue. The woman I may or may not love may or may not be dieing in a fire that may or may not be happening.

  190. m.m. magee
    January 24th, 2013 at 1:31 pm [Reply]

    @Dr. Weird (#185):

    …..Bowlcut-hair
    ……………………………….swinger of fireaxes smashing
    ……………………………………………………………………………………..doors
    walls
    And the big bullying Aunt Cathy
    ………………………………………………………..through the apartment smokeful
    with eyes a little sorry
    Another comes
    …………………………………also swinging axes

  191. pugfuggly
    January 24th, 2013 at 1:37 pm [Reply]

    @Comrade Denny (#157):

    If we can find a way to tie the matrix to 20-sided dice, we’ll have ourselves a new RPG — Downers & Doldrums.

    Downers & Doldrums: the game that doesn’t ask if you’ll lose, just how.

    @gleeb (#172):

    HIYOOO!

  192. Nehemiah Scudder
    January 24th, 2013 at 1:40 pm [Reply]

    @Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol (#182): The good stuff currently runs $18 per box of 25 rounds.

    Don’t you just hate that? And that .38 Colt Detective Special holds six rounds. So after four reloads you’re left with a stupid extra bullet, and what good is that? So you have to buy five more boxes to get five more “bonus bullets” to make a full load!

    // No wonder there’s so much gun violence. All those extra bullets just begging to be used. Ammo manufacturers have much to answer for.

  193. Sequitur
    January 24th, 2013 at 1:44 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#192):

    I didn’t realize that the gun/ammo ratio had the same problem as hot dog/bun.

  194. Artist formerly known as Ben
    January 24th, 2013 at 1:44 pm [Reply]

    MT: Clearly Mark is barking up the wrong tree, and Rod Bassy’s record catches are related to his left hand’s chameleon-like ability to blend into its surroundings.

    A3G: Ari shaved off the mustache and left the goatee and it turns out he looks really stupid. Where’s the emergency kit for that?

    Marvin: True to form, Marvin was already smirking about his stank.

    MW: Mary wants to “make sure our rhythms match” and something is steaming up the windows and it’s not the oven. (Actually it is.)

    C-Shaft: We’re talking about fracking as in the Battlestar Galactica expletive, right?

    BH: Stanley needs stupider Facebook friends.

    Crock: “You mean the Amnesty lawyers who tried to get me a new, non-kangaroo court trial? Gee, thanks.”

    RMMD: “If you leave them with me, Rex might find them and try to eat them.”

    DT: Ebony really knows how to schmooze the glitterati. She won’t be in police work forever.

    6C: The good thing about getting your massage in Six Chix instead of Funky Winkerbean is that you get to have a happy ending.

    Luann: “But I’ll think about you when I’m having sex with my Cornell boyfriend, you know, when it’s not that good.”

  195. Will
    January 24th, 2013 at 1:45 pm [Reply]

    Blondie: Dagwood must be thinking of the corned beef sandwich fiasco from Gemini III.

  196. Artist formerly known as Ben
    January 24th, 2013 at 1:46 pm [Reply]

    @Dr. Weird (#185):

    Is ee cummings in charge of the safety equipment for the building?

    It used to be TS Eliot, but the fire instructions ran for five pages with copious footnotes.

  197. Nehemiah Scudder
    January 24th, 2013 at 1:46 pm [Reply]

    @Calico (#180): Jesus, instead of just taking the damn bullets, if anything like that happened here, Delores would be at CHUQ (Hopital Univ. Laval Quebec City) or CRUV (our excellent mental / holistic counseling center, with, yes, a lockdown center) getting some serious help.
    I mean, June is a Nurse! WTF

    But you see, Delores lives in San Diego, where she can enjoy freedom from that horrible socialistic Canadian health care system. When she gets sick enough, she’ll just hitch a ride to the emergency room.

    // Or enjoy her 2nd Amendment rights with one of those bullets.

  198. Nehemiah Scudder
    January 24th, 2013 at 1:50 pm [Reply]

    @Artist formerly known as Ben (#196): …the fire instructions ran for five pages with copious footnotes.

    Heh. But they were beautifully written. And Ari is always glad to help with those untranslated classical Greek quotations.

  199. Artist formerly known as Ben
    January 24th, 2013 at 1:50 pm [Reply]

    @Aviatrix (#156):
    Rod: Let me tell you about some of the chicks I’ve scored with.
    Mark: Oh yes, coed softball. It’s new-fangled, but I suppose it doesn’t do any harm.
    Rod: …

  200. Inkwell
    January 24th, 2013 at 1:52 pm [Reply]

    Only in Marvin would a concept with as many layers of fluff as “a dog and a baby look back at cherished childhood memories” so terrifying and revolting.

    Also, are we REALLY supposed to sympathize with this lady in FW? She said “yes” to a marriage she didn’t want and when she gave up her dreams she blame it on that. Lots of successful people are married, you twit, they just have to try as hard as everybody else!

  201. Majicou
    January 24th, 2013 at 1:52 pm [Reply]

    Bizarro: That’s… You realize, Piraro, that there are modern Maya, and that they were getting heartily sick of morons thinking their ancestors had predicted the end of the world?

    FW: Ann should never have married Narcissus.

    MW: You’ll need to work on matching your rhythms for the contest. Both of you, dance like you want to win!

  202. Alice
    January 24th, 2013 at 1:53 pm [Reply]

    Luann: There, there, Gunther. Don’t be sad at the prospect of attending a different college from Rosa’s. Be relieved. You won’t have to do terrifying things like hold her hand or kiss her ever again. Instead, you can find a new woman to do the whole passive-aggressive Nice Guy thing you’re clearly much more comfortable with.

  203. Comrade Denny
    January 24th, 2013 at 1:54 pm [Reply]

    @pugfuggly (#191):

    Downers & Doldrums: the game that doesn’t ask if you’ll lose, just how.

    Exactly. For instance:

    “You lose your job and don’t find another for six months — take 6d6 moping damage.”

  204. Nehemiah Scudder
    January 24th, 2013 at 1:56 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#193): I didn’t realize that the gun/ammo ratio had the same problem as hot dog/bun.

    Believe it or Not! They fixed the hot dog/bun problem fairly recently. After years of tense and often bitter negotiations, the hot dog makers and the hot dog bun bakers signed a treaty. The industry standard is now eight buns and eight dogs per package.

    // I’m not making that up. Unfortunately, I can no longer eat the things.

  205. Rocky Stoneaxe
    January 24th, 2013 at 2:00 pm [Reply]

    @Aviatrix (#151): @Rocky Stoneaxe (#30): La Cage Aux Folles is a closer fit.

    If someone wrote a play based on my life, it would be more Ziegfeld Follies than La Cage aux Folles.

    A pretty girl is like a melody
    That haunts you night and day

    Just like the strain of a haunting refrain
    She’ll start upon a marathon
    And run around your brain

    You can’t escape, she’s in your memory
    By morning, night and noon

    She will leave you and then come back again
    A pretty girl is just like a pretty tune

    BA BA BA BOO

  206. tallyHO
    January 24th, 2013 at 2:01 pm [Reply]

    @RavenHawk (#12):
    “This must be a very high class apartment building.”

    …………..WARNING!……………..
    Before You Leave the Premises,
    Did You Remember the Chablis?
    -the Management

  207. Gringo
    January 24th, 2013 at 2:10 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#81): I’ve noticed that some latter-day references to the infamous Merkle’s Boner now use “Merkle’s bonehead play” instead. No doubt to avoid the tittering.

  208. Gringo
    January 24th, 2013 at 2:12 pm [Reply]

    @Joshua (#100): Hopefully they all end up at UC-Sunnydale, where Buffy decides to let the Hellmouth gorge on the newcomers as a favor to the rest of the world.

  209. Gringo
    January 24th, 2013 at 2:14 pm [Reply]

    @Comrade Denny (#117): You left out “erectile dysfunction.”

    Drat, Batiuk’s ears just perked up!

  210. Comrade Denny
    January 24th, 2013 at 2:14 pm [Reply]

    @pugfuggly (#191): More gameplay…

    “You catch your current wife cheating on you with ghost wife. Roll a saving throw against Demoralization, Depression and Despair.”

    “I made it! I half-jokingly (but mostly serious) request a 3-way.”

    “Roll against Charisma -3.”

    “Oh, man — failed!”

    “Your creepy smirk annoys them, and ghost wife throws stuff you.”

    “I throw stuff back!”

    “You strike your current wife. The police are summoned and you are arrested for DV.”

    “I explain about the affair and that my ghost wife threw stuff at me first…”

    “Roll Charisma -5.”

    “Made it!”

    “Your apparent sincerity convinces the arresting officer that you are a deeply disturbed individual. After booking, he requests a psych-eval.”

  211. Daniel
    January 24th, 2013 at 2:16 pm [Reply]

    Crankshaft Batiuk and Ayers should be receiving a call from “Energy in Depth” shortly enough…

  212. Baka Gaijin
    January 24th, 2013 at 2:18 pm [Reply]

    @Peanut Gallery (#Y276): “My unscientific poll currently indicates 83.6% of all commenters on this board have auditioned for or appeared on Jeopardy!.” Not I. The gods of fate would bestow a number of detestable categories on me like “Famous Clowns.” I’d be on camera about 3 seconds after that reveal, the camera following me running out of the studio, arms flailing like Kermit the Frog, screaming like a pink bird’s cloaca butting in.

    @Comcis Fan (#Y332): “MW: So this whole cake contest is just an elaborate excuse to practice matching their rhythms, rip their aprons off and squeeze each other’s frosting bags. Am I right?” Sadly, yes, you’re correct. Each other’s leathery wrinkled frosting bags.

  213. Liam
    January 24th, 2013 at 2:20 pm [Reply]

    Gil Thorp-”Wow! You were right. That is an actual peacock. When you said peacock I thought it was code for a drug dealer you were seeing or a sugar daddy with a tiny penis.”

  214. Phred22
    January 24th, 2013 at 2:24 pm [Reply]

    Marvin: This is forgetting that dogs frequently sleep with their noses next to their own poop’s exit.

  215. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    January 24th, 2013 at 2:24 pm [Reply]

    @LP2004 (#150): If something isn’t done soon, this combination will bring on a crisis of apocalyptic proportions.

    How exciting! The suspense over what will happen is really thrilling, in fact, the prospect has already dispelled my feelings of depression and despair!

    Damn. Walked right into a Catch-22 there. If only I’d seen it coming, I could have avoided it! Or could I? ….

  216. Rocky Stoneaxe
    January 24th, 2013 at 2:30 pm [Reply]

    I never noticed it before, but the guy in Mutts looks like John Stanley’s
    Clyde Crashcup:

    http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_thlFYTjJbmQ/SDrtZ3_tP3I/AAAAAAAAFxg/vOp0pweJebQ/s800/CC4%2Bcover%2B64.jpg

  217. tallyHO
    January 24th, 2013 at 2:32 pm [Reply]

    Gah!

    When I first read today’s A3g it only partially loaded so I was left to guess that Ari–or, Grandpa Soulpatch– answered Bond James Bonds’ command.

    You can imagine my deep disappointment when I realized that in the bottom of panel 2 Ari did not say, “For Reals?”

    //profoundly deep disappointment

  218. Rusty
    January 24th, 2013 at 2:41 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#204): I’m pretty certain Hebrew National still has a 7 count package. Which sounds dirty.

  219. Shrug, Checking the "Situtations Wanted" Ads
    January 24th, 2013 at 2:50 pm [Reply]

    @Aviatrix (#151):

    “A succubus bad at her job would be funnier.”

    So, which (adult female humanoid) comic strip characters would make the worst succubi?

    Mary Worth, of course, but I’m also thinking Loweezy from GASOLINE ALLEY and Avis from ONE BIG HAPPY for starters. (Avis does have the hideous rictus/”smile” that Batiuk seems to find sexy, but we don’t have to agree with him, do we?)

    Others?

  220. Shrug, Hammetting It Up
    January 24th, 2013 at 2:54 pm [Reply]

    @Comrade Denny (#117):

    “Batty’s already done (long and funny list snipped)
    I’m not sure there’s anything left that could be called “new” or “unexpected.”

    ************
    I don’t think any of his characters have ever been on the gooseberry lay. . .

  221. Liam
    January 24th, 2013 at 2:59 pm [Reply]

    A3G-Okay you have to break the glass but what are you going to break the glass with. Is there a break glass box with an ax inside to help you break the “In case of fire” box?

  222. Rocky Stoneaxe
    January 24th, 2013 at 3:00 pm [Reply]

    Dinette Set

    Burl also thinks a “Rhodes Scholar” is what you call an appraiser who works on Antiques Roadshow.

  223. Dr. Weird
    January 24th, 2013 at 3:05 pm [Reply]

    @Shrug, Checking the “Situtations Wanted” Ads (#219):

    Mary Worth is already a fantastic succubus! She drains the life out of those around her without having to do any seducing at all… look at Dr. Jeff for starters!

  224. Sequitur
    January 24th, 2013 at 3:09 pm [Reply]

    @Gringo (#207): Merkle’s Boner. What a thing to have while running the bases.

  225. Comrade Denny
    January 24th, 2013 at 3:12 pm [Reply]

    @Liam (#221): It’s glass boxes with axes all the way down … and that’s before we get to the part where philosophy professor Ari Papagoras uses Zeno’s paradox to convince Greg that picking up the ax is a logical impossibility.

  226. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    January 24th, 2013 at 3:15 pm [Reply]

    @Comrade Denny (#225):

    The “classic” break-in-case-of-emergency boxes I’ve seen come with an iron bar chained to the box (sort of like the pens at the bank) for use in breaking the glass. Or, you could just use the iron bar to do whatever you were going to use the axe to do, as long as the emergency was less than two feet away from the box itself.

  227. Alter Ego
    January 24th, 2013 at 3:15 pm [Reply]

    @bats :[ (#93): The weird thing is, sometimes they re-use the same scene, yet the artist draws it over again. Here’s an example: (1) (2), but I’ve seen some where the two scenes were even more alike.

  228. Sequitur
    January 24th, 2013 at 3:19 pm [Reply]

    MW: John Dill has a strategy for winning the cake contest.

    This all has to do with the idea that there are certain times or places where it is inappropriate to fart such as when you’re in an elevator with only one other person or when you’re saying “I do” at your wedding.

    John will stoke up on beans before the judging takes place. He will make sure he has the eating timed so the production will occur at the proper time. He will dog the judges as they make their way from cake to cake being sure to keep an acceptable distance. When the judges take a good look at a contestant’s cake John will let loose with an SBD (silent but deadly) fart. Said fart will waft across the judges’ noses leaving a most unpleasant memory of the cake. John will do this as each cake is judged (he is nothing if not a master of timing) until they reach his cake where Mary will have sprayed “Garden of Gardenia” air freshener just before the judges arrive. John and Mary’s cake will leave a most pleasant memory and Mr. Dill and Ms. Worth will win the contest by a nose.

  229. Rod Bassy
    January 24th, 2013 at 3:24 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#228): Gods! You’ve stumbled upon my technique for fouling my competitors’ fishing holes — NOT THAT I’M DOING ANYTHING ILLEGAL!

  230. Peanut Gallery
    January 24th, 2013 at 3:27 pm [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#1): He used to wear a canary-yellow shirt on Star Trek.

  231. Aviatrix
    January 24th, 2013 at 3:30 pm [Reply]

    @Shrug, Checking the “Situtations Wanted” Ads (#219): To properly evaluate candidates you must envision them wearing Pibgorn-style diaphanous garments and crashing crotch first into each other in wormholes. I started with Mary Worth and Margo, but the collision caused an explosion that obliterated the whole magical realm.

  232. Aviatrix
    January 24th, 2013 at 3:32 pm [Reply]

    @Liam (#221): There’s sometimes a bolt or a mallet on a chain.

  233. Mars
    January 24th, 2013 at 3:38 pm [Reply]

    Today’s Funky reminds me of this old 70′s feminist short-story I read in college. This woman is sad because she believes her husband died in a car wreck. Then slowly she realizes she can now do whatever she wants and her husband was Evil and Oppressive and A Man. Then the doorbell rings and it’s her husband, who survived. The shock makes her collapse and die on the spot.

    Moral: kill all non-womyn

  234. Hiding His Shrug Under a Bushel
    January 24th, 2013 at 3:43 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#212):

    I think it was JEOPARDY which was holding tryouts locally a few years ago, upon noticing which my sister from The Northern Part of the State called me up specifically to tell me about it, on the presumption (a) that I’d be good at it and (b) that like all modern folk, my dearest desire was to be on national television.

    I tried to explain that the thought of (b) filled me with something akin to horror, and as for (a) I don’t know if I’d be good at it or not, since as far as I could recall I’d never actually watched the show.

    I don’t think she believed me. ” Too weird….does not compute.”

    //// One of us must be a changeling (I’m pretty sure it’s me).

  235. seismic-2
    January 24th, 2013 at 3:44 pm [Reply]

    @Gringo (#207): Of course, for many years a number of newspapers carried this strip by Mort Walker (using the pen name “Addison”), and they kept a more-or-less straight face about it.

  236. Majicou
    January 24th, 2013 at 3:46 pm [Reply]

    @Rusty (#218): The extra bun is saved for Elijah.

  237. Shrug, Shouting "Fire" in a Crowded Internet
    January 24th, 2013 at 3:55 pm [Reply]

    @Artist formerly known as Ben (#196):

    Is ee cummings in charge of the safety equipment for the building?

    It used to be TS Eliot, but the fire instructions ran for five pages with copious footnotes.

    ****************
    Other candidates:

    An emergency is an emergency is an emergency is an emergency.
    – Gertrude Stein

    the glass (800 pages later) in case of fire, break
    – James Joyce

    In case your excellent self should perceive an inevitable fire, you may utilize this
    symbolic weapon in a manner which it is not convenient to describe.
    – James Branch Cabell

    Gimme the Ax.
    – Carl Sandburg

  238. Baka Gaijin
    January 24th, 2013 at 3:56 pm [Reply]

    @Phred22 (#214): The joke is subtle; Marvin’s poop is so stank even stink-loving dogs won’t go near it. That’s pretty stank.

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#204): In Europe often the hot dog packs and buns are in quantities of 4. In some parts of Europe, beer is in 3-packs. The hot dog to beer bottle quantity is the real conundrum.

    @Sequitur (#228): You cribbed that from Marvin, didn’t you? That’s his M-O to a T, except for the withered old crone.

  239. Comrade Denny
    January 24th, 2013 at 3:57 pm [Reply]

  240. Rod Bassy
    January 24th, 2013 at 4:00 pm [Reply]

    How come no one acknowledges the many perfectly legal things I do everyday?
    I’m breaking hardly any laws at the moment. Yet it’s always about the illegal stuff.

  241. Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket
    January 24th, 2013 at 4:00 pm [Reply]

    @Cleve Barrister (#60): Batiuk himself had a serious illness (cancer), didn’t he? So maybe this is biographical? If so, wow.

  242. Comrade Denny
    January 24th, 2013 at 4:02 pm [Reply]

    @Rod Bassy (#240): How’s that old joke go? “But you fuck just one bass…”

  243. Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket
    January 24th, 2013 at 4:03 pm [Reply]

    @Joshua (#100): Nah, he’s going split all of the couples in half, so that everyone will be in a long-distance relationship and he’ll never have to figure out how to depict a realistic relationship between young adults.

  244. Sequitur
    January 24th, 2013 at 4:04 pm [Reply]

    @Shrug, Shouting “Fire” in a Crowded Internet (#237):

    An emergency is an emergency is an emergency is an emergency.
    – Gertrude Stein

    Gertrude Stein’s contribution could have been:

    Ax behind the glass alas

  245. Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket
    January 24th, 2013 at 4:05 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#109): Mugs are like t-shirts. They don’t work/fit well, they’re frequently used to promote things, they take up space, and everybody wants to give you one.

  246. Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket
    January 24th, 2013 at 4:07 pm [Reply]

    @Mr. Mxyzptlk (#149): Fourth, generation, actually.

  247. Rocky Stoneaxe
    January 24th, 2013 at 4:10 pm [Reply]

    @Peanut Gallery (#230): @Rocky Stoneaxe (#1): He used to wear a canary-yellow shirt on Star Trek.

    And like a canary, George Takei has been known to belt out a song on occasion.

    GT appeared on the first episode of TV’s Secret Talents of the Stars, singing country music. (Although if you run across a canary who can belt out a country tune, be sure to contact the good folks at Ripley’s!)

  248. Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket
    January 24th, 2013 at 4:11 pm [Reply]

    A3G: Or you could, you know, wake up the super and have him open her door with the key.

    9CL: The hazards of having your characters use archaic swears: until I realized that there was only one exclamation point (I thought there were two) after the initial word, I ended up wondering why Elliot was calling her “A suborder of the soil order Histosol consisting of residues in which plant structures have been largely obliterated by decay.” There’s obscure, and then there’s obscure.

    (But no, apparently it’s the equivalent of “Good heavens!”)

  249. Islamorada Girl
    January 24th, 2013 at 4:13 pm [Reply]

    Mary Worth and her latest gimp try to move a multi-layered cake in one piece! Going against what every baker knows: the cake moves in separe pieces. What could possibly go wrong?

  250. Baka Gaijin
    January 24th, 2013 at 4:13 pm [Reply]

    @Mars (#233): Were Jack Worth to appear on a certain Charterstone doorstep, I’d imagine a certain lady would have the same reaction. Hey, I can dream can’t I?

    @Hiding His Shrug Under a Bushel (#234): I’d be pretty OK at Jeopardy. If nothing else, my short contestant interview (after the first commercial break) would be interesting. I’ve done a few things, things that don’t involve running away from and/or plotting to destroy…clowns.

  251. Islamorada Girl
    January 24th, 2013 at 4:14 pm [Reply]

    Rod Bassey!
    He’s the man,
    The man with the magic fly
    But ask and you’ll die!

    With apologies to Goldfinger.

  252. Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket
    January 24th, 2013 at 4:16 pm [Reply]

    @Aviatrix (#164): Hey, imagine if our pregnancy and death taboos were reversed. So instead of people saying, “Oh my God, you look like you’re ready to pop any day now!” to pregnant strangers, they’d say, “Oh my God, you look like you’re ready to pop off any day now!” to enfeebled elderly strangers. You’d tell grandma, “We’re doing a family cruise in October, but you’ll probably be dead by then,” and ask casual acquaintances how many weeks they had left to live.

    So… you’re saying it would be like Funky Winkerbean, then?

  253. Sequitur
    January 24th, 2013 at 4:18 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#250): I’d rather hear the clown stories.

  254. Rod Bassy
    January 24th, 2013 at 4:20 pm [Reply]

    @Comrade Denny (#242): As I understand, the old joke goes, “You bury just one nosy wildlife reporter in a shallow grave, and no one cares about the bass fishing tournament any more.” Or is it just the meth-induced voices in my head saying that?

  255. Baka Gaijin
    January 24th, 2013 at 4:23 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#253): Why? They’re not very interesting. When I was young and curious, I found a metal box with a handle on the side. It made a strange noise when turned. Out popped an EVILSCARYCLOWN. I made a Marvin of myself.

    Are you happy now that I had to relive that terrifying and embarrassing memory?

  256. Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket
    January 24th, 2013 at 4:23 pm [Reply]

    FW: There are only three ways out of this story arc, all of them depressing:

    1) She resigns herself to spending the rest of her life taking care of her disabled husband. Occasionally she complains about it. Eventually they both end up in the Westview Nursing Home, mostly neglected by their adopted child as they sink into shared senescence.

    2) She decides to divorce him and take a second run at her dreams, leaving his care up to his adopted son and whatever indifferent nurses work at the Westview Nursing Home.
    2b) For added misery, she fails in the attempt, and eventually ends up alone in another room of the Westview Nursing Home. Sometimes they meet when their wheelchairs are wheeled into the common room, and sit there in silence that would be fraught, except that neither has that much energy.

    3) She decides to divorce him and write a comic strip which she uses to make digs at her worthless ex and cast herself as a blameless martyr to his abusive indifference.

  257. Sequitur
    January 24th, 2013 at 4:28 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#255): How can we spin this? Hmmm. Let’s see.

    Metal box key to cleaning out one’s digestive system!

    @Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket (#256): Now I’m depressed.

  258. Alison
    January 24th, 2013 at 4:31 pm [Reply]

    “Luann”: Oh no! Rosa might go to a different college than Gunther. But they are so in love! They went bowling once. And they went to the library once. I can’t believe this relationship is about to be torn apart!

    Ugh, I don’t understand why this strip consistently pretends that casually hanging out with someone of the opposite gender means you’re madly in love, and that if you’re separated for a perfectly normal reason (your family has to move, your parents are encouraging you to attend a certain college, etc.), that means everyone is trying to tear your relationship apart. I realize that teenagers do tend to feel this way, so I’d actually give Evans the benefit of the doubt if he pointed that out. Instead, every single person in this strip goes along with this crap. When Quill moved away, Luann’s parents never said, “Luann, you didn’t even go out with the guy. Stop moping about this.” No, they were all, “Poor Luann, the love of her life is gone!”

    It’s so lazy-instead of showing a relationship actually built on something real, the readers are just expected to say, “Look, a guy and a girl together. Must be love!”

  259. Dood
    January 24th, 2013 at 4:32 pm [Reply]

    “Party on, Greg.” “Party on, professor.” Enter Margo. “We’re not worthy! We’re not worthy!”

  260. Rocky Stoneaxe
    January 24th, 2013 at 4:33 pm [Reply]

    @Mars (#233): Today’s Funky reminds me of this old 70?s feminist short-story I read in college. This woman is sad because she believes her husband died in a car wreck. Then slowly she realizes she can now do whatever she wants and her husband was Evil and Oppressive and A Man. Then the doorbell rings and it’s her husband, who survived. The shock makes her collapse and die on the spot.

    The story that you read in college sounds like an update of a 19th century
    Kate Chopin short story:

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Story_of_an_Hour

    Chopin’s story was first published in 1894, so the husband is supposedly killed in a train wreck.

  261. Dood
    January 24th, 2013 at 4:34 pm [Reply]

    Is the “Fire Ax” Greg is referring to a Bender Blaster?

  262. Baka Gaijin
    January 24th, 2013 at 4:36 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#257): Colon Blow?

  263. Comrade Denny
    January 24th, 2013 at 4:40 pm [Reply]

    @Rod Bassy (#254): No, you’re thinking of Stalin’s maxim: “One wildlife reporter murdered is a tragedy. A wildlife reporter a murdered along with his hideous mutant son is a public service.”

  264. Jim in Wisc.
    January 24th, 2013 at 4:41 pm [Reply]

    Funked:
    Gloom, despair, and agony on me.
    Deep, dark depression, excessive misery.
    If it weren’t for bad luck, I’d have no luck at all.
    Gloom, despair, and agony on me.

  265. Rocky Stoneaxe
    January 24th, 2013 at 4:44 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#255): Hahaha… Baka went boom-boom-boom in his pants!

    While I was walking down the beach one bright and sunny day
    I saw a great big wooden box a-floatin’ in the bay
    I pulled it in and opened it up and much to my surprise
    Ooh, I discovered a boom-boom-boom, right before my eyes
    Oh, I discovered a boom-boom-boom, right before my eyes

    Apologies to Phil Harris

  266. Sequitur
    January 24th, 2013 at 4:46 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#262): Clownon Blow.

  267. Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol
    January 24th, 2013 at 4:54 pm [Reply]

    @Jim in Wisc. (#264): Don’t forget:

    Life is Brutal.

  268. Jim in Wisc.
    January 24th, 2013 at 4:58 pm [Reply]

    @Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol (#267): LOL!!

    Reading today’s strip made me think of that old Hee Haw ditty. Now that I think about it, that pretty much sums up Funky for the last decade or better.

  269. Uncle Lumpy
    January 24th, 2013 at 5:02 pm [Reply]

    Dorothy Parker:

    If the Bible be believed,
    No truer words are spoken
    Than “Knock, and you shall be received;
    Ax — it shall be opened.”

  270. Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol
    January 24th, 2013 at 5:11 pm [Reply]

    What we need to do is come up with the Curmudgeon Dream Board for Jeopardy (a la Cliff Claven’s ultimate board — https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=botdmsQilnU#t=58s )

  271. mr12ozcan
    January 24th, 2013 at 5:16 pm [Reply]

    mark trail- i know mark is using a 30 year old camera but there were tape recorders back then cant imagine mark doing the whole interview in short hand . plus did rod bassey steal antmans powers ?

  272. Sequitur
    January 24th, 2013 at 5:16 pm [Reply]

    @Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol (#270): One category could be “Depressed Divas” with answers about Luann and Dawn and the like.

  273. Oregonian
    January 24th, 2013 at 5:20 pm [Reply]

    Guys, tell me if this sounds paranoid or something but… I’m starting to wonder if Rod Bassy isn’t being quite honest. Am I crazy?

  274. Peanut Gallery
    January 24th, 2013 at 5:21 pm [Reply]

    @Aviatrix (#158):

    I was going to put a comma after university, but IIRC she’s at MIT.

    You don’t have to be at Oxford to use the Oxford comma!

  275. Illustrator Steve
    January 24th, 2013 at 5:28 pm [Reply]

    MT – “….and just one more question, mister Bassy.”

    “MAKE it a quick one, Trail!”

    “Yes mister Bassy, it’s about….that…um, BROWN HAND of yours. I have heard of brown nosing the judges before, but BROWN HANDING?! Just WHAT, exactly, is it that you DO for those judges, Mister Bassy?!”

    “You don’t want to know, Trail. But I’ll tell ya this much…it works every time! Yes sir… I’m always determined to be the one who takes home the trophy even if I have to pull it out of the judges…er, um… well, *ahem*, I am sure that you can guess WHAT it is that I am eluding to, Trail.”

    “Boy, CAN I!?!! …SO! Let me get this straight, YOU are admitting to me and my magazine readers that you, Ron Bassy, pull the trophys out of the judges trophy shipping containers, dust them off and set all of them up on the awards table as a way of buttering up the judges into giving YOU the trophy! The only thing I still don’t understand is WHY your left hand is BROWN, Mister Bassy!”

    “What th—?? Um, well, Trail it’s because, ummm, it’s because…OH, it’s because those shipping containers are from UPS!”

    “See? I KNEW I’d get you to spill the truth to me, Bassy! hahahah! NOW this will REALLY make a good story!”

    “*sigh* Just go write your story, Trail!”

  276. Government Cheese
    January 24th, 2013 at 5:34 pm [Reply]

    @Alison (#258): It is very irritating, indeed. I remember when Brad “broke up” with Toni the first time, and I never even realized they were “going out”.

    I was also wondering, does this signal an end to the cartoon strip? How is Evans going to continue the shoddy plot as they all go to shoddy colleges?

  277. Peanut Gallery
    January 24th, 2013 at 5:48 pm [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#217):

    When I first read today’s A3g it only partially loaded

    Let that be a lesson to you. Never read A3G unless you’re completely loaded.

  278. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    January 24th, 2013 at 5:57 pm [Reply]

    @Alison (#258): @Government Cheese (#276):

    It is all about how you have been classified. If you are classified as a “villain”, then everything you do is evil, because of your classification. If you are classified as a “couple”, then you are in love and meant for each other, because you are a “couple”.

    Evans resurrected the Rosa character from Gap-toothed scarey-HOOOO-guy oblivion and had her win a beauty pageant so that she could be established as a suitable girlfriend for Gunther. Now, they are designated as a couple and will be shown together, even though it really makes no narrative sense for them to be attracted to each other.

  279. Sgt. Stoned
    January 24th, 2013 at 6:09 pm [Reply]

    MT: Knowing how deep the bass are is a good idea. That way you can accurately set your depth charges.

    MW: How many old farts does it take to carry a cake? The week-long mystery continues!

  280. Droopy Says
    January 24th, 2013 at 6:10 pm [Reply]

    @Oregonian (#273): You may be onto somehing there. And Elrod just might be on something.

  281. Poteet
    January 24th, 2013 at 6:12 pm [Reply]

  282. Nehemiah Scudder
    January 24th, 2013 at 6:16 pm [Reply]

    @Rusty (#218): You are right. I checked their website, and they have 7 packs, 6 packs, and 4 packs of various kinds of franks. The four packs are for their quarter pounder dogs, so I guess you could get two of those to match a standard 8 bun package. But they are definitely marching to a different drummer.

    // Shame, though. When I ate hot dogs, HN was one of my favorites.

  283. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    January 24th, 2013 at 6:16 pm [Reply]

    @Horace Broon (#51):
    “Can I meet your fishing partner, Catfish?”
    “Are you saying I’ve murdered someone?”

  284. tallyHO
    January 24th, 2013 at 6:19 pm [Reply]

    @Peanut Gallery (#277):
    Never read A3G unless you’re completely loaded.
    You’re right.
    It would help compensate for the temporal molassesification problem when trying to follow the strip.

  285. Poteet
    January 24th, 2013 at 6:20 pm [Reply]

    FW — As I pointed out last night, I wish Little Echo would opt for homicide. She should head right into that hospital room and smother her alleged oppressor! At least she’d be taking action instead of just whining drearily onward for another few strips, and we’d get to watch her creative defense (He turned me into an echo!) at her murder trial. And speaking of being an echo, does anyone else remember the song “Little Sir Echo”? Yeah, I’m old.

  286. Sequitur
    January 24th, 2013 at 6:23 pm [Reply]

    @Poteet (#285):

    She should head right into that hospital room and smother her alleged oppressor!

    After she gets rid of Batiuk she might want to do her husband in too.

  287. Nehemiah Scudder
    January 24th, 2013 at 6:25 pm [Reply]

    @Rod Bassy (#240):
    When a felon’s not engaged in his employment,
    Or maturing his felonious little plans,
    His capacity for innocent enjoyment
    Is just as great as any honest man’s.
    Our feelings we with difficulty smother
    When constabulary duty’s to be done:
    Ah, take one consideration with another,
    A policeman’s lot is not a happy one!

    When the enterprising burglar isn’t burgling,
    When the cut-throat isn’t occupied in crime,
    He loves to hear the little brook a-gurgling,
    And listen to the merry village chime.
    When the coster’s finished jumping on his mother,
    He loves to lie a-basking in the sun:
    Ah, take one consideration with another,
    The policeman’s lot is not a happy one!

    W.S. Gilbert (really!)

  288. Nekrotzar
    January 24th, 2013 at 6:28 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#287):
    Taran tara taran tara

  289. seismic-2
    January 24th, 2013 at 6:47 pm [Reply]

    @Shrug, Shouting “Fire” in a Crowded Internet (#237): “When smoke hangs heavy in the air, an oppressive blanket of toxic fumes as powerful as the accumulated memories of all the sins of multiple generations of one’s ancestors, all burdened with guilt of the generations before and now passing that blanket of oppressive guilt down to their descendants, with the thick layer of black smoke blocking out one’s ability to see clearly the exit to take down the hallway, just as the collective ancestral guilt obscures one’s better judgement of the path to take to escape one’s joining the ancestors in death and adding more cause for regret to the already oppressive collective blanket of it, and when the heat of the impending conflagration becomes as scorching as the burning desire in the depths of one’s soul crying out to escape the fate to which one was doomed from birth and which now seems imminent (it may be) and inevitable (it perhaps isn’t), and when the building appears as ready to collapse as the entire edifice of a society built upon the collective ancestral guilt, a guilt than now hangs even more oppressively as one’s options for fleeing it narrow to the ironic situation of being forced to preserve the integrity of one’s life and the remaining structural integrity of the crumbling burning building and the degenerating society of which it is a part, as surely as the collective ancestral guilt is a part of one’s own now crumbling life, by in fact adding to the degeneration of the building and thus to the collective burden of guilt brought on by contributing to the destruction by shattering the glass just as one’s hopes and dreams are now shattered by the heat of rash decisions and lie in shards obscured by the smoke of false promises, break the glass and call the Yoknapatawpha Fire Department.”

  290. Sequitur
    January 24th, 2013 at 6:54 pm [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#289): ~~Maxwell Smart voice~~

    That’s the second longest sentence I’ve ever seen.

  291. mitchellbravo
    January 24th, 2013 at 6:55 pm [Reply]

    Good god, Marvin’s diaper smelled so bad that it rotted the dog’s teeth. No wonder this is such a recurring issue for him.

  292. Dale
    January 24th, 2013 at 7:04 pm [Reply]

    Rod Bassy agreed to an interview with MARK TRAIL to promote his lure and/or improve his questionable reputation.
    Why doesn’t he have some smooth answers prepared?

    I forgot about Catfish. Are bass fishing contests run as pairs events?
    It’s not like marlin fishing where there is a boatload of players.

  293. Sequitur
    January 24th, 2013 at 7:11 pm [Reply]

    @Dale (#292): Where I live here in Texas there are scads of bass tournaments. I don’t enter them myself but from friends and from what I’ve seen, they all seem to be individual efforts unless there is a specialized tournament such as a father/son tournament.

  294. pugfuggly
    January 24th, 2013 at 7:22 pm [Reply]

    @Dale (#292):

    I forgot about Catfish. Are bass fishing contests run as pairs events?

    My prediction: ‘Catfish’ is a literal catfish who cajoles big bass to bite Rod’s lures with dares and peer pressure.

  295. Mr K Martin
    January 24th, 2013 at 7:30 pm [Reply]

    FUNK WINK: (This looks like an excellent time to paraphrase Oscar the Grouch.)

    I like being miserable because that makes me happy. But I don’t like being happy so that makes me miserable. But I like being miserable so that makes me happy. But I don’t like being happy….

    (To be repeated in a monotone by the entire cast of FW facing forward with vacant stares until the end of time.)

  296. Rocky Stoneaxe
    January 24th, 2013 at 7:30 pm [Reply]

    @Poteet (#285): And speaking of being an echo, does anyone else remember the song “Little Sir Echo”?

    Sure do. I also remember former child actress Dorothy “Echo” DeBorba from the “Little Rascals” (a/k/a “Our Gang”). Years ago, Mrs. Stoneaxe and I actually took Ms. DeBorba out to dinner when she was in town for a collectible show.

    http://www.cyranos.ch/ogborba1.jpg

  297. Nehemiah Scudder
    January 24th, 2013 at 7:31 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#290): Ah, so you HAVE read The Bear.

  298. The Sleepy Roommate
    January 24th, 2013 at 7:35 pm [Reply]

    MT – @Liam (#16): Do you go on oregonlive comics often? Your comment about Mary Worth there is exactly the same. But I do agree anyway :P Why are they worrying so damn much about the weight though?! Their cake is nothing but 3 tiers of pink with a small ring of white icing around each. If they think their cake is heavy, let alone fancy, they aught to watch Cake Boss.

  299. aprilglaspie
    January 24th, 2013 at 7:35 pm [Reply]

    So the creepy guy put a stinkbomb in Margo’s closet. That is funny as hell.

    Rocky Stoneaxe: You collect shows? How does that workk? Like indentured servitude?

    Greg and Ari in the burning building reminded me of Don Draper and Sal and the bellboy.

  300. Sequitur
    January 24th, 2013 at 7:36 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#297): Mmmmmmaybe. What’s in it for me?

  301. Nehemiah Scudder
    January 24th, 2013 at 7:52 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#300): Sir Tristram, violer d’amores, fr’over the short sea, had passencore rearrived from North Armorica on this side the scraggy isthmus of Europe Minor to wielderfight his penisolate war: nor had topsawyer’s rocks by the stream Oconee exaggerated themselse to Laurens County’s gorgios while they went doublin their mumper all the time: nor avoice from afire bellowsed mishe mishe to tauftauf thuartpeatrick: not yet, though venissoon after, had a kidscad buttended a bland old isaac: not yet, though all’s fair in vanessy, were sosie sesthers wroth with twone nathandjoe.

    Sorry, must have been dozing. What was the subject? Herbal viagra, right? Don’t trust it. If your Rod Bassey can’t handle the real stuff, your Winky’ll need a new spleen.

  302. Alison
    January 24th, 2013 at 7:58 pm [Reply]

    @Mr K Martin (#295):
    Honestly pretty much everything Oscar the Grouch has ever said would be perfect for all the people in FW. Oscar’s amazing song in the movie “Follow that Bird” should be the theme of FW*. The only problem is that sometimes Oscar actually had a good time picking on Big Bird (or whoever) and nobody in FW ever has a good time.

    *Don’t let the sunshine spoil your rain/
    Just stand up and complain!

  303. Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket
    January 24th, 2013 at 8:19 pm [Reply]

    Be careful you quoters of overwrought prose, or I’ll sic TV Tropes on you.

    //I find it amusing and appropriate that the above link turns purple after you click it.

  304. Rocky Stoneaxe
    January 24th, 2013 at 8:25 pm [Reply]

    @aprilglaspie (#299): I’m flattered that a former American diplomat and senior member of the Foreign Service would deign to post a comment on my comment.

  305. Jim in Wisc.
    January 24th, 2013 at 8:27 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#293):

    @Dale (#292): Where I live here in Texas there are scads of bass tournaments. I don’t enter them myself but from friends and from what I’ve seen, they all seem to be individual efforts unless there is a specialized tournament such as a father/son tournament.

    Don’t the big money tournaments have an observer in every boat to prevent cheating?

  306. Liam
    January 24th, 2013 at 8:39 pm [Reply]

    @The Sleepy Roommate (#298):

    I post my comments in the morning on Comics Kingdom which Oregon Live is associated before the new thread is up here that way I won’t really forget them. I get up rather early in the morning and it will be a few hours before I can get to a computer again.

  307. Amos Snarkadder, CQB
    January 24th, 2013 at 8:41 pm [Reply]

    @Calico (#181):

    Is sonar illegal in competitions?

    I don’t actually know, but they keep asking how Rod seems to know where the fish are. I’m taking that as a hint.
    //Although the idea of a trained fish that lets Rod catch him over and over… or maybe a very small person who wears a fish costume…

  308. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    January 24th, 2013 at 8:46 pm [Reply]

    @Amos Snarkadder, CQB (#307): Hm. Perhaps a job for Rusty?

  309. Mr. O'Malley
    January 24th, 2013 at 8:51 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#301): By gum, that’s some fine writin’ there.

    @seismic-2 (#289): Sounds like someone I should know, and I will be in a fury until I remember who it was.

  310. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    January 24th, 2013 at 8:52 pm [Reply]

    MW:
    John Dill made a pink cake once again
    But they’re not sure they can lift it
    And they’re fearful that they’ll tip it
    Though at most it’s five pounds, maybe ten!

  311. Peanut Gallery
    January 24th, 2013 at 8:55 pm [Reply]

  312. Sequitur
    January 24th, 2013 at 8:56 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#301): You okay? I thought I heard something snap.

  313. Peanut Gallery
    January 24th, 2013 at 8:58 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#301): Rod Bassy says he saw a fin again! Wake up!

  314. Mr K Martin
    January 24th, 2013 at 9:03 pm [Reply]

    @Alison (#302):

    Right now the Angel of Death from Ingmar Bergman’s “The Seventh Seal” is reading FW and saying “Geez! Cheer the fuck up already!”

  315. Twinkles the Elf
    January 24th, 2013 at 9:15 pm [Reply]

    Oh, for heaven’s sakes, Mark — isn’t it obvious? He brings his own fish! He hides them in his pants.

  316. Sequitur
    January 24th, 2013 at 9:24 pm [Reply]

    @Jim in Wisc. (#305): I doubt that would be practical. There would be a need for dozens of officials if you put one in each boat. The economics wouldn’t work. They do have officials in boats checking folks out. There are boat inspections at the beginning and end of the day. I found out that most tournaments are team tournaments with two on a team. There are some pretty rigid requirements for the boat. However, I could find nothing prohibiting the use of a sonar device but anglers are not permitted to communicate with other anglers during the tournament hours. It costs about $250 per team (some tournaments cost more) to enter and an additional $30/year fee as a membership fee. They can win around $28,000 for first place and even 30th place can win $500. So if Rod Bassey won five straight tournaments with his buddy “Onion” “Catfish” then he would be reeling in the dough.

    The prize fish are based on weight and it behooves the anglers to keep their fish alive. There’s a half pound penalty for dead fish. There’s a limit on how many fish you can catch per day. Catch any more and you’re disqualified. The judges can tell if someone cheats because they’re Texans and all they have to do is look you in the eye.

  317. Right Venerable Pasdordan
    January 24th, 2013 at 9:26 pm [Reply]

    Didn’t have time to contribute today, but wanted to stop by and declare today’s Bug groovy…

  318. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    January 24th, 2013 at 9:29 pm [Reply]

    According to recent research, queek is likely the most aggressive of all the ‘mudges.

  319. Sequitur
    January 24th, 2013 at 9:33 pm [Reply]

    @Right Venerable Pasdordan (#317): Far out, man. Meet you at the be-in.

  320. Sequitur
    January 24th, 2013 at 9:38 pm [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#318): Well, queek does refer to himself as a “Commando.”

  321. endless sky
    January 24th, 2013 at 9:46 pm [Reply]

    FW: As Ann muses on what could have been, she begins to regret making that 911 call.

  322. Baka Gaijin
    January 24th, 2013 at 9:47 pm [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#265): Phil Harris would be rolling over in his grave if he read this, though it is quite an appropriate quote.

    @Sequitur (#266): AAHHHHH!

    @Sgt. Stoned (#279) on Mary Worth: I don’t want farts, old or young, near any cake I intend to put in my mouth. Oh, the Worth/Dill cake? Yes, put that in the International Fart Playdown arena.

    @Twinkles the Elf (#315): Occam’s Razor would agree and COTW nomination!

  323. tallyHO
    January 24th, 2013 at 9:57 pm [Reply]

    I swear Mark Trail is just baiting Rod Bassy on to admit that he, like Mark, Bluegill and their other buddies, is a fish-landerer, too.

    “C’mon! Just fess up, Bassy! You love the allure of using your lure to procure the love of a fish! I just want to know what makes the big mouth bass come to you. Or are you too ashamed to brag about that?!?”

  324. Amos Snarkadder, CQB
    January 24th, 2013 at 10:00 pm [Reply]

    @Sgt. Stoned (#279):

    MW: How many old farts does it take to carry a cake? The week-long mystery continues!

    I so want Jim to volunteer to carry the cake.
    //”It’s because I’m missing an arm… isn’t it? I know why you don’t want me to carry the cake!”

  325. tallyHO
    January 24th, 2013 at 10:05 pm [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#323):

    Bassy:
    “My twig and berries! Is that what you want to hear, Trail?”

    Mark:
    “There. Was that so hard, Bassy?
    “Now I got a fish in my pocket and its happy to see you.”

    Bassy:
    “Oooooh no, Trail! Don’t you think you can lure out the “Rob Bassy Killer”!

    “It takes more than any old pocket fish to catch me!”

    Mark, cocking his head and arching his eyebrow:

    “Oh?
    “Do you have to first get weak in the knees?”

    Bassy:
    “I’ve heard about you, Trail! I’ve heard of about (gulp) your…ffffFists of…Jus…Kiss…
    “Don’t think you can tempt me. Rod Bassy don’t lose it to any man!”

    GASP! “Is that a steelhead?”

    Mark, with a smile on his face just nods and hums:

    “mmm hmmmm!”

    //no apologies!

  326. tallyHO
    January 24th, 2013 at 10:07 pm [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#325):

    ^
    I swear that was like writing the “Perry Mason” dialogue that was never uttered!

  327. Inexplicable Bear Tongue
    January 24th, 2013 at 10:19 pm [Reply]

    @Alice (#202): Nonsense, they’ll attend different schools, and Gunther will maintain the relationship as a method of avoiding all intimacy whatsoever. You don’t have to worry about a girl touching you when she can only talk to you on the phone, after all, and if she gets too gooshy, you can just claim you need to leave or you’re losing the signal or some other excuse that I’m sure Gunther has plenty of practice giving.

    It’s just like Luann’s relationship with Quill, come to think of it.

  328. Right Venerable Pasdordan
    January 24th, 2013 at 10:26 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#319): Are you Dave, man?

  329. Sequitur
    January 24th, 2013 at 10:29 pm [Reply]

  330. Morgan Wick
    January 24th, 2013 at 11:29 pm [Reply]

    Funky Winkerbean: Home to so much misery it loops back around and turns into Crankshaft-style tired puns. Her husband has a stroke AND she’s whining about how getting married ruined her life? If this were The Lockhorns, the stroke would be cause for celebration, but in the Funkyverse there is no limit to the amount of suffering there can be at any one time.

  331. Rocky Stoneaxe
    January 24th, 2013 at 11:33 pm [Reply]

    @Twinkles the Elf (#315): Oh, for heaven’s sakes, Mark — isn’t it obvious? He brings his own fish! He hides them in his pants.

    Tom Waits has already mastered that particular trick:

    http://www.organicmechanic.org/scratch/fwj3.jpg

  332. tallyHO
    January 24th, 2013 at 11:40 pm [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#331):

    True. And, at one point Waits could probably pull a near-empty, jug of whiskey out of his hat.

    //the amazing tom waits

  333. Nehemiah Scudder
    January 24th, 2013 at 11:52 pm [Reply]

    @Peanut Gallery (#313): Yessir. First sentences of famous books… pfui. Too damned easy!

    // Omnes hi differunt inter se lingua, institutis, legibus. — Albert “JC” Camus.

  334. yaoi huntress earth
    January 25th, 2013 at 12:22 am [Reply]

    FW: There is the possibility that Ann will perform a “mercy kill”, write a book about her sainted late spouse and Les sues her for stealing his idea.

  335. Navigator
    January 25th, 2013 at 12:22 am [Reply]

    Maybe it’s because I’m no fisherman, but I don’t see what part of panel one is illegal. Perhaps every conversation just goes this way since Rod Bassy got involved in whatever his sinister fishing racket is.. “Rod, honey, did you take out the garbage?” “Are you saying that I’m doing something illegal?” “There are many types of garbage bags.” “Oh, yeah, I guess you are right!”

  336. tallyHO
    January 25th, 2013 at 12:24 am [Reply]

    Mary Worth:
    “What’s in these pink tins, Mary?
    My libido!”

    Mark Trail:
    Dammit! It is just a…dangit!
    I was secretly hoping for weeks long punching and fighting.

    Hi & Lois:
    Pro tip: Don’t look like his mom and her best friend. Just a pro tip.

    Ah, crap! I don’t have the time for the rest of them to load.
    Ziggy, you suck!
    Lockhorns, seek help!
    Apartment 3G, gee wilkers!
    Spider-Man, get an agent!
    Slylock, you foxy fox, you!
    Beetle Baily: You ain’t G.I. Joe or Jane!
    Mistopher Trendy: You’re still behind the times! Tis the 21st Century, Billyboy!
    Six Chix: if just one of you did what all six of you do then what does the word “progress” mean anyway? haha. I keed!
    oh.
    i’m passing out.
    oh.
    i am unconsciously trying to block out the three comics i did read.

    PLOP! THUNK! WARrrbLE!
    kzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!

  337. tallyHO
    January 25th, 2013 at 12:26 am [Reply]

    The Boston Globe only has 9 (NINE) comics online.

    In what world does Ziggy make the cut?

    Seriously!

  338. seismic-2
    January 25th, 2013 at 12:54 am [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#333): In the beginning God created the heavens and M. Worth. – old man Moses Camus

  339. Droopy Says
    January 25th, 2013 at 2:49 am [Reply]

    Spiderdick: Some strips are so dead that they scrape the bottom of the barrel for stories. But Spiderdick takes its material from the very top of the barrel!

    FC: I’d call his the first evidence that Bily has a brain, but hearsay evidence isn’t admissible.

    Flunky: And the primary sign of a romantic nature in Cancerville is the two-thousand-yard stare.

    Phantom: “As you know, Ralph, we can’t have two phantom lions out there! The scam would be over!”

    Mock Travail: “Don’t tell me you go fishing, Trail! I hired a mutant dwarf to watch you, and he’s never seen you fish!”

    Phantom: And none of these mighty warriors noticed the two guys cruising by the scene of their kill, or thought to follow the tire tracks they would have left on the unpaved ground, or connect them to the disappearance of the dead lions, much less mention the triple coincidence to the Phantom. I think we’ve discovered why the hunter-gatherer lifestyle gave way to supermarkets and home-delivered pizza.

    Pluggers: Uh-huh, yeah, it totally makes sense that Dog Man wouldn’t eat dog treats. Come on, Brookins, he’s a frickin’ Plugger! These people would eat their own feces if you put it on a plate.

    Phantom: Actual planning would have accounted for the possibility that the scammers might not be able to retrieve the dead lion. You’d expect someone to have a Plan B, but these people don’t seem bright enough to know the alphabet. In any tongue.

  340. Droopy Says
    January 25th, 2013 at 2:50 am [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#337): Seriously? Pantless Ziggy makes the cut on the moon.

  341. Mr. O'Malley
    January 25th, 2013 at 6:29 am [Reply]

    @Droopy Says (#340): Pantsless on the moon?

    Great album title.

    As a survival strategy, not so good.

  342. gleeb
    January 25th, 2013 at 7:08 am [Reply]

    3rd Floor Hallway: No, Greg, that’s just Margo. In her drunken slumber, she accidentally assumed her true elemental form.

    ‘bean: ‘Smiserable…’swankerful…’sfunny. She loves him because ten years of marriage have yet to give him a realistic view of married life. Jess likes them big and stupid, I guess. And you can’t buy that from a vendo like lousy coffee. Say, isn’t his father at the brink of death or something? I guess Durwood’s too stupid to remember, so he’s focusing on whatever immediately happened.

    H&L: Remember, women: you have no valid existence unless you are noticed by some guy like Chip.

    Dick: Yep, that mysterious box can wait. And finding out what happened to your daughter-in-law’s folks? Not as important as a steak dinner. Say, Tracy, where’s your wife? Wouldn’t Tess like to have a lovely night out?

    Thorp: Uh oh. Mia’s going to have a crisis of faith in The Peacock.

  343. hogenmogen
    January 25th, 2013 at 7:43 am [Reply]

    MT: Tuesday, Bassy said that he was a “better fisherman than the others”. Today, he’s saying that anyone using his lure would be equally good. Make up your mind, dude.

  344. hogenmogen
    January 25th, 2013 at 7:50 am [Reply]

    I usually like Phantom, but a miners that want to scare a tribe off the land by using a ghost lioness seems headed towards the climactic exclamation “And I would’ve gotten away with it if it weren’t for that meddling purple latex fetishist!

  345. CanuckDownSouth
    January 25th, 2013 at 8:05 am [Reply]

    What still boggles my mind with the Phantom storyline is that the dead lions could disappear. In what reasonable hunter-gatherer society would you not bring back the carcass to feast on or at least skin?

    And while I can barely credit that the weirdness of a purple-clad white dude could allow him to be replaced by (and mistaken for) a son of the same build, what hunting party wouldn’t expect more than one lion to hunt around them, and a new one to quickly move into any vacated territory?

  346. seismic-2
    January 25th, 2013 at 8:14 am [Reply]

    @CanuckDownSouth (#345): And of course all lionesses are the same height, weight, age, and color, so you can’t tell when one replaces another one. Just as all dudes in purple latex with a mask over their eyes look exactly alike.

  347. MCM ??
    August 27th, 2013 at 3:57 am [Reply]

    At the moment, the sky is dark, the air is fresh factor after just rained. Suddenly thought of blue plaid shirt; Those were broken into various shapes of stationery; From the corner at the beginning of deep friendship; Have declared the end of the encounter that haven’t start planning… Those years, those days of do, finally, like youth, will end in our life.

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