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Fighting is like sports, so … Gil’s in charge, I guess!

Dennis the Menace, 7/1/13

Mr. Wilson’s trademark bead of sweat, indicating a looming Dennis-induced psychotic break, is an often used visual trope in this strip. Today’s is particularly poignant however, as Dennis indulges in some marital menacing by innocently asking why Mrs. Wilson forces her husband to keep his most beloved possessions up in the musty attic rather than allowing him to proudly display it in the main living areas of the home, where guests can see. We almost might think that he’s crying, like a majestic weeping eagle, if we didn’t know that Mr. Wilson is incapable of sadness or remorse, only bottomless crotchety rage.

Gil Thorp, 7/1/13

This Gil Thorp summer storyline is bound to get boring in short order, but let’s enjoy the madness while we can. Today’s panel two, depicting the carnage that remains in the aftermath of codger-on-ruffian fisticuffs, is more or less perfect. I love the fact that the napkins and condiments scattered about by the fight are foregrounded, while the two defeated punks are only semi-visible while draped and/or splayed comically at the top of the panel. Also, maybe they’re terribly injured or dead? Anyway, let’s call Gil in on this situation, why not, surely he’s got something to say about the whole thing.

Judge Parker, 7/1/13

Well, whaddya know! In Judge Parker, a leggy blonde is eagerly offering to fulfill a main character’s every whim! Don’t worry, though, this is Judge Parker, so those whims are super super boring.

222 responses to “Fighting is like sports, so … Gil’s in charge, I guess!”

  1. Huckleberry Fink
    July 1st, 2013 at 7:28 am [Reply]

    Mary Worth: Once again Mary forces poor Carlos Alora do the grunt work in this strip. After all, Hellinor, Beeth and Tom Harpman, Tom Harpman are way
    too busy being self-absorbed a$$h@le$ to carry their own crap into their new apartment.

    And both Kinleys will pretend to be impressed when Tom Tom gives Carlos a quarter for his “trouble.”

  2. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    July 1st, 2013 at 7:29 am [Reply]

    MT: And that was the day that Jason “No Face” Smith got his nickname.

    DtM: Bringing Mr. Wilson to quiet weeping as he realizes that his most treasured memories are mere junk relegated to a dusty attic? Pretty menacing.

  3. Liam
    July 1st, 2013 at 7:32 am [Reply]

    Crankshaft-”I forced my way into the cockpit and I took over the controls and I flew that plane.”

    A3G-With the way this strip bounces around it is easy to ignore Greg.

    FC-It’s bigger on the inside.

    FC 2-It’s deeper on the inside.

    JP-”And I also need a big breasted naked woman to sit on my lap and tell me how great I am.”

    Love Is-Did another Mr. Love Is die?

    MT-”Mark, which one is Rusty? I can’t tell between the otters and that hideous creature.”

    MW-And now it is time for the next unfortunate person to cross Mary’s path.

  4. KreatureFeatures
    July 1st, 2013 at 7:34 am [Reply]

    Pluggers: Jeezus, Brookins, that’s a joke from the 1930′s. The 1930′s!!

    FW: Les Moore’s Lebron-style headband reminds Cleveland fans that they are the bottom of the NBA barrel. Way to mock their pain, Batuik.

  5. Powers
    July 1st, 2013 at 7:34 am [Reply]

    GT: “Subwich”?

  6. Here come the Judge
    July 1st, 2013 at 7:35 am [Reply]

    In Judge Parker, I can’t decide if Alan is using his hands to indicate the approximate shape of the printer he requires, or if he’s just about to go in for a boob-grab.

  7. sporknpork
    July 1st, 2013 at 7:38 am [Reply]

    Jesus, I think Dennis is about to perform his worst menace ever: coldly reminding Mr. Wilson how he’s missed out on his children’s formative years and can never get that back.

  8. pugfuggly
    July 1st, 2013 at 7:41 am [Reply]

    DtM While nature-loving American Indians get upset at trash left on the side of the road, old while men save their grief for old crap left in the attic.

    GT “Thank god the phone finally rang” thinks Gil’s wife “He’s been on like this all morning! ‘I’ve refilled my lemonade and nothing’s disturbed the peace! I got the paper and nothing’s disturbed the peace! I took my second piss this morning and nothing’s disturbed the peace!‘…ugh, maybe this will get him out of the house…”

    JP “Also, do you have any special keyboards for old men with child-sized hands?”

  9. Lily Sincere
    July 1st, 2013 at 7:44 am [Reply]

    Oh, Mr. Wilson, remember that in case of emergency, break glass. As in that bottle you’re holding, which can be used to smack Dennis’s twerpy big-little head. Then keep Dennis in the attic for a few days and see how long it takes him to let go of his preconceived, rigid hierarchical view of domestic architecture and realize that the attic is the most special place in any house.

  10. LP2004
    July 1st, 2013 at 7:45 am [Reply]

    MW: ‘Beth, her husband,…’? I was about to complain that we never saw a wedding, but then I realized that this is Charterstone; according to the Laws of Mary, Tom and Beth were husband and wife the instant Mary decided to pair them up. Getting them married according to the laws of California is just a trivial formality.

  11. fkarma
    July 1st, 2013 at 7:52 am [Reply]

    GT–In panel one, Pop looks as though he has just been interrupted in the middle of a heinous sexual act.

  12. sporknpork
    July 1st, 2013 at 7:53 am [Reply]

    Today’s Judge Parker looks like an acting exercise on how not to use your hands in scene work.

  13. Chareth Cutestory
    July 1st, 2013 at 7:58 am [Reply]

    Judge Parker: “Certainly, sir, it will only take a moment to arrange for the printer to be set up. I cannot carry it into the room, unfortunately, as I have a freakishly small mini hand. Can I get you some bags of money while you wait, though?”

  14. revenge4Aldo
    July 1st, 2013 at 7:58 am [Reply]

    AS-M: Apparently, Spidey has been in San Francisco nearly six months.

  15. revenge4Aldo
    July 1st, 2013 at 8:00 am [Reply]

    MT: Oh, Jason. The appropriate way to greet Rusty is “How are the Otters today?”

  16. Droopy Says
    July 1st, 2013 at 8:00 am [Reply]

    FW: Today’s theme is so very appropriate to the way Batiuk ran away from the date-rape story.

  17. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    July 1st, 2013 at 8:01 am [Reply]

    9CL: Brooke in a nutshell, folks.

    A&J: more!

    GF: look in the corners, Bucky. *gigglez uproariously*

    Luann: no comment.

    Pibgorn: ooo, slammed into the panel border!

    R&R: ghaaah! snakes were sooooooooo boring!

    Zits: it is, actually.

    Bizarro: as done by The Fusco Brothers artist.

    DT: I’d just like to pause a moment and admire the art, esp panel 2. *applaz*

    MG&G: Toy Group = canine rats. (imnsho)

    6Cx & RwO mine the same vein of humor today.

    SFx: I’ve seen enough hentai to know where THIS is going!!

  18. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    July 1st, 2013 at 8:02 am [Reply]

    Love Is. . . promising to use more lube next time.

  19. jim, some guy in iowa
    July 1st, 2013 at 8:05 am [Reply]

    Rex, MD: I wonder if this is going to wind up being a commentary on parents who push their kids into over-achievement (yes I know Sarah’s insufferable, but)

  20. jim, some guy in iowa
    July 1st, 2013 at 8:07 am [Reply]

    Heathcliff brings the weird again, in his eerily deadpan manner

  21. Ranger
    July 1st, 2013 at 8:11 am [Reply]

    GT: It appears the unruly youths are in need of medical attention. Especially the one on the ground in panel 2 who took a Cialis and it has been more than 4 hours.

  22. Chyron HR
    July 1st, 2013 at 8:15 am [Reply]

    JP – Golly, are all cruise hookers (or “cruisetitutes”) this classy?

  23. cheech wizard
    July 1st, 2013 at 8:16 am [Reply]

    DtM – Despite his gruff exterior, I think it’s obvious that Mr. Wilson is really quite fond of Dennis. That single tear is because it’s time for Dennis to join all his other beloved things in the attic, forever preserved and unchanged.

  24. CanuckDownSouth
    July 1st, 2013 at 8:17 am [Reply]

    @jim, some guy in iowa (#19): Or commentary on what happens when puffed-up expectations from unearned* praise collide with reality.

    *Even if her drawings were good, that doesn’t mean her writing is, or that she can draw other things well (weren’t they all horses??)

  25. Mr. Yezpitelok
    July 1st, 2013 at 8:18 am [Reply]

    Popeye made his first appearance in cartoonist Elzie Segar’s “Thimble Theater” comic strip on this day in 1929 (the name of the strip was eventually changed to “Popeye”).

  26. seismic-2
    July 1st, 2013 at 8:22 am [Reply]

    GT: Lou Ferrigno in Panel 1 would have been glad to help out Pops in the big fight, if he only didn’t have to be so protective of his delicate, super-sensitive surgeon’s hands. Fortunately, he is now scrubbed up, so in Panel 2 he will be able to treat the young ruffians, just as soon as someone is able to lift the one who is impaled on the cash register. In Panel 3, absolutely nothing happens, but Mimi wears a bikini, so there.

    JP: Of Course We Can Accommodate You, Mr. Parker will be the title of Alan’s autobiography.

  27. Liam
    July 1st, 2013 at 8:29 am [Reply]

    Pluggers-Pluggers also recall when James Patterson wrote his own books and not had them ghostwritten.

  28. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    July 1st, 2013 at 8:34 am [Reply]

    JP – Yes, a printer for all the copies of my screenplay that I will need to print out. Do you have an inkjet, I need something fast! Also, a fax machine! Gonna need to send AND receive a lot of faxes. Ah, it feels good to get out of retirement and back to work, it’s like I never left.

    Luann – Never even mentioned any more is the fact that it is Toni who has first responsibility for watching her “cousin” at all times, and who needs to call a sitter if she has to work. So are we still pretending that Toni and Dirk aren’t the parents?

  29. Morgan Wick
    July 1st, 2013 at 8:42 am [Reply]

    I would have thought Mr. Wilson kept all his special stuff in the attic so people like Dennis couldn’t mess them up.

  30. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    July 1st, 2013 at 8:44 am [Reply]

    RMMD – If they wanted to, they could make this into a story about the overinvolved nanny pushing Widdle Sawah into all of this – setting things up with her friends at the Milton Avery Memoral Museum of Art and Aeronautics in advance, then gushing to the parents about how it was all all Sawah’s idea.

    Then, Sawah would have a dream in which a giant floating Mary Worth head showed her a vision of her future as a worn-out, stressed-out clone of Milton Avery, who never took the time to enjoy his life! She would wake up, tear up the book contract, and spend the rest of the day cutting the hair off of her barbies.

    Or, they could just go back to San Diego for another ‘weekend’ and leave Sawah behind to work on her deadline. Either way is good, really.

  31. seismic-2
    July 1st, 2013 at 8:55 am [Reply]

    DtM: The attic is where Mr. Wilson keeps the mementos of his younger days – the ship in the bottle, the model airplane, the baseball bats, the cowboy hat, the shelves full of scrapbooks containing 1970s newspaper clippings about the rash of child abductions in Goleta.

  32. Northernlurker
    July 1st, 2013 at 8:57 am [Reply]

    JP: I’ve decided I hate the judge with the white-hot hatred of 10,000 suns. But that’s just me.

  33. TheDiva
    July 1st, 2013 at 8:58 am [Reply]

    GT: “I’ve just created a huge mess for the minimum-wage dope I was trying to protect–everything’s fine!”

    JP: At least Judge Parker doesn’t dwell too long on simple problems. Mary Worth would have spent a week finding Alan a suitable workspace, and another week receiving praise for her good deed.

  34. Alison
    July 1st, 2013 at 8:58 am [Reply]

    Sandwiches, sure. Subs, hoagies, grinders, po’ boys, whatever. But what the f($% is a “subwich?”

  35. Mardou Fox
    July 1st, 2013 at 8:59 am [Reply]

    It looks to me like Dennis’s menancing is pretty effective here. Mr. Wilson looks like he’s trembling with tormented rage, about to crush his beloved ship-in-a-bottle with his bare hands. The shards of glass lacerating his flesh will be nothing compared to the psychic pain Dennis has caused by shoving the evidence of all of Mr. Wilson’s dead, decaying dreams in his face.

  36. Mibbitmaker
    July 1st, 2013 at 9:00 am [Reply]

    DtM: Mr. Wilson is whipped — and Dennis is the (unwitting? certainly unwitty) whip.

    GT: Gil, you know you just delivered a straight line, right?

    JP: “And I’ll need virtually everything and then some, and you will provide them all because I am a Woody Wilson main character.”

  37. AhClem
    July 1st, 2013 at 9:03 am [Reply]

    JP – So the “Very Helpful Concierge” tells the judge, “…I have a small office available. Would you like to see it?

    Some days, the porn movie scripts just write themselves.

  38. TheDiva
    July 1st, 2013 at 9:11 am [Reply]

    Comics Kingdom seems to be acting screwy now, so for the moment…

    9CL: It’s been said that men have a brain, a penis, and only enough blood to operate one at a time. I wonder if any of Brooke’s blood ever makes it north of his waist.

    Luann: Great, now all we need is for TJ to show up and this strip will max out on its annoyance factor.

    Pibgorn: So, we’ve pretty much given up pretending there is any semblance of a coherent storyline here now, haven’t we?

  39. Dood
    July 1st, 2013 at 9:12 am [Reply]

    Judge Parker: The dialogue makes it clear that Ms. Very Helpful Concierge is well aware of whom she’s dealing with. “Of course we can accomdate you, Mr. Parker! What do you need?”

  40. Jack Scat
    July 1st, 2013 at 9:16 am [Reply]

    FW. “Killjoy was here.” Has any sentence uttered by Les captured his character more than that one? No, no it hasn’t.

  41. gleeb
    July 1st, 2013 at 9:17 am [Reply]

    @Alison (#34): A Subwich is what you have when you have more hunger than a Nut Boy will satisfy.

  42. logicbutton
    July 1st, 2013 at 9:18 am [Reply]

    “Yes…and I’ll need a printer, too! Exxxxxcellent.”

  43. bunivasal
    July 1st, 2013 at 9:25 am [Reply]

    Look at that manic grin. Look at those beads of sweat. Pop isn’t just a kung-fu master, he’s also coked out of his mind.

  44. A different JD
    July 1st, 2013 at 9:27 am [Reply]

    This has probably been asked already, but if the miscreants in Mark Trail are making a fortune by selling illegally-whammed trophy animals to clueless hunters, why are they trapping otters? Do rich businessmen really sit in their offices, dreaming of one day bagging a trophy otter?

  45. cheech wizard
    July 1st, 2013 at 9:27 am [Reply]

    Alan’s in for a big surprise when he discovers the “small office” is actually one of several sex-fantasy rooms available on the cruise liner, though he’ll probably be oblivious for some time to the “concierge’s” leaning over to stick her boobs in his face and repeated offers to “take dick-tation.” Other options include a mock kitchen equipped with your choice of plumbing tools or a milkman’s uniform, high school classroom or a very realistic barn complete with hayloft. Clients with “certain tastes” may even choose to lease the ship’s engine room for an additional fee. There’s a reason these cruise lines operate in international waters, y’know.

  46. S. Stout
    July 1st, 2013 at 9:28 am [Reply]

    Luann: “I’m there!” – Q
    “Awesome!” – L
    “Wait, who is this?” – Q
    “It’s Luann.” – L
    “Oh okay, I got confused as I know another L. Let’s use full names.” – Quill Wallaby
    “Okay, this is a lot less confusing.” – Luann DeGroot

  47. Sequitur
    July 1st, 2013 at 9:31 am [Reply]

    DtM: There’s nothing quite like spending a hot summer day in the attic.

  48. Uncle Lumpy
    July 1st, 2013 at 9:35 am [Reply]

    Judge Parker — If you have some serious writing to do, trust me you do not need Wi-Fi.

  49. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    July 1st, 2013 at 9:36 am [Reply]

    meanwhile, for the 4th.

    some things should be nipped in the bud early. *gigglez*

    the above concept can also be explained with corgis or this 6 month old puppy Dogue.

    a Bud for Poteet.

  50. Midtown
    July 1st, 2013 at 9:40 am [Reply]

    @Uncle Lumpy (#48): Just how is he supposed to copy from Wikipedia without Wi-Fi?

  51. Walker of Dog
    July 1st, 2013 at 9:40 am [Reply]

    DtM: Mr. Wilson has fond memories of his time in prison: the ship-in-a-bottle class, that time he killed a snitch and earned his teardrop tattoo, his much-improved putting game…

    A3G: Pointing at Margo? Oh Lu Ann, you should have paid attention during A3G orientation. But on the plus side, think of the manicuring time and money you’ll save with only nine fingers.

    GT: Mimi Thorp: a beautiful woman with filthy feet.

  52. The Rt. Venerable Pasdordan
    July 1st, 2013 at 9:45 am [Reply]

    The Amazing Spider-Man: Oh, Peter. TSA agents don’t get paid enough to care what gets you through the night. Now, if you tried to sneak a bottle of water or nail clippers past them, they’d have to fuck you up. Spider-suit? Meh. They’ve seen it all before. Take it up with the union rep.

    Calvin and Hobbes: Punchline: “I’m not sure that total self-indulgence is really a principle.” Immediately beneath that, at least in my feed? 9 Chickweed Lane.



    Dick Tracy: Diet Smith needs to upgrade his remote control. You can get an app for space coupes for $1.99 on iTunes.

    The Family Circus: Did you know that children can drown in as little as an inch of water, Thel? That 90% of all childhood drownings take place while the kid is supervised? Bathtubs are responsible for more than half the incidents, but girls are much more likely to drown there than are boys. Save that for Dolly. Who said anything about freedom? Peace and quiet? Nobody said any such thing. I didn’t mention life insurance at all, did you?

    Herman: I suppose it’s too much to ask that this is a survivor of the Unità del Mare finally washed ashore nearly a year later. In other news, almost a year ago, we were taking bets on whether Wilbur would wash into a watery, mayonnaise-dripping grave. What was the over-and-under on that again?

    Mark Trail: “And I think I know a way we can prove they are guilty. It involves a man whose face has been removed by an otter…”

    Mary Worth: “To bigger and better. This family is on its way!” Huh huh. That’s what she said.[*]

    Sinfest: I have a little more patience for this strip than some around here, but you could pretty much substitute today’s episode for any other random date without a significant loss in meaning. Amirite, guys?

  53. The Rt. Venerable Pasdordan
    July 1st, 2013 at 9:47 am [Reply]

    @bunivasal (#43): It was only a matter of time before bath salts and Gil Thorp collided.

  54. cheech wizard
    July 1st, 2013 at 9:48 am [Reply]

    MW – So Mary has not only managed to get Tom and Beth hitched, but has skillfully arranged to have the newlyweds live under the same roof as her mother? That crafty old broad knows how to ensure repeat business.

  55. The Rt. Venerable Pasdordan
    July 1st, 2013 at 9:50 am [Reply]

    @Uncle Lumpy (#48): No, but you’d be surprised what a movie theater, Las Vegas style floor show, wave pool, and widespread fecal coliform infection can do for your concentration.

  56. cheech wizard
    July 1st, 2013 at 9:54 am [Reply]

    JP – “Of course we can accommodate you, Mr. Parker. I have a small orifice available – would you like to see it?”

  57. Old Folkie
    July 1st, 2013 at 9:54 am [Reply]

    FW: Of course Killjoy was here – his permanent residence is Westview.

    9CL: Example #2,478 of a Burber thrall reaction.

  58. Sequitur
    July 1st, 2013 at 9:56 am [Reply]

    Levitating cat playing poker.

    Nothing strange here folks, move along.

  59. Raghead the Fiendly Neighbourhood Terrorist
    July 1st, 2013 at 10:00 am [Reply]

    Anyone else having problems with WordPress? For some reason it’s not opening at all for me today except for html. This means that I can’t post the latest strip on WordPress. But for anyone who’s interested, it’s on my main blog, as the concluding part – for now – of a trilogy.

    If Rev Scudder turns up, there’s a little buttock on view. For everyone else, there are hands.

  60. Walker of Dog
    July 1st, 2013 at 10:04 am [Reply]

    FC: It look more unspeakable acts than she would care to count, but Thel finally got the cooling intake pipe for the Palo Verde nuclear plant rerouted. Worth it, she thought, as she smiled and slowly hobbled away.

    JP: Mr. Manley, of all the errors you could have made, you had to forget Alan’s toupee in the first panel? I have enjoyed your artwork. Best of luck in Uzbekistan.

  61. Brad
    July 1st, 2013 at 10:05 am [Reply]

    Only two months until Gil Thorp’s football season, when we’ll almost certainly get to see a Milford version of the Manti Te’o “catfishing” saga!

  62. TheDiva
    July 1st, 2013 at 10:07 am [Reply]

    C’shaft: A face that screams, “Fuck it, he can take a cab.”

    FW: Okay everybody, arc’s over, you can go about your usual misery and awful wordplay now.

  63. Dale
    July 1st, 2013 at 10:21 am [Reply]


    How do you know they were poachers? Mark may have destroyed a week’s worth of effort in a legitimate research project.

    I’m going to be really pissed if we get to the end of this story and learn Mark did talk to the wildlife people. They made him a Super Secret Undercover Junior Ranger. He has an invisible badge, arrest powers, and enhanced interrogation authority.

  64. Mythical Monkey
    July 1st, 2013 at 10:30 am [Reply]

    DtM: Dennis has already smashed everything else of value in the house — Mr. Wilson is shedding a single tear, knowing what few carefully-concealed possessions he has left are about to meet the same fate.

  65. walt d.
    July 1st, 2013 at 10:47 am [Reply]

    JP: Now this is the JP we’re used to, although the enabling person’s qualifications are rather weak. This IS on the house, right?

    FW: Ahhhhh. A much desired shift from being annoying to being merely stupid. On the down side, a PI commenter wonders if this is a lead up to the annual (weekly?) Dead Lisa Cancer Run. Please, no.

    FW: James Naismith once said that a man is a fool not to exercise before he’s forty, and a fool to begin after he’s forty. Just saying. Funky looks like a brisk walk around the block would finish him for the day.

    9CL: That’s pretty much how it works. Although for me at least, wearing the turtleneck would cancel out the mesmerizing effect.

    DtM: I’m really kind of sorry that Josh used this because I had my comment all ready. There’s a reason, Dennis, and Mr. Wilson is smart enough not to tell you what it is.

  66. Mincemeat
    July 1st, 2013 at 10:56 am [Reply]

    Today on Wordless: Reindeer vulva.

  67. cheech wizard
    July 1st, 2013 at 10:58 am [Reply]

    DtW – Actually, that’s not a ship-in-a-bottle, that’s a label and Mr. Wilson is weeping a silent tear at the realization he faces an entire afternoon of Dennis without a single drop of Old Keelhaul to see him through.

  68. SurrealKangaroo
    July 1st, 2013 at 10:58 am [Reply]

    Wow, Dennis. You made a grown man cry. That’s pretty menacing.

  69. Sequitur
    July 1st, 2013 at 11:11 am [Reply]

    Zits: Mrs. Duncan is a Plugger.

    Maybe some sort of duck being.

  70. Dood
    July 1st, 2013 at 11:14 am [Reply]

    Judge Parker: “I’ll also need a fully stocked bar and a 24×7 buffet. This screenplay won’t write itself!”

  71. Marc
    July 1st, 2013 at 11:21 am [Reply]

    Mark Trail- These Otters are wild animals. You cannot just pick them up and snuggle them like they’re some stuffed animal. Nature doesn’t work like that.

  72. Sequitur
    July 1st, 2013 at 11:23 am [Reply]

    Finally, the question is answered!

  73. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    July 1st, 2013 at 11:26 am [Reply]

    @Dood (#70): RIP Hunter S Thompson. . . .

  74. Uncle Lumpy
    July 1st, 2013 at 11:34 am [Reply]

    @walt d. (#65):

    wonders if this is a lead up to the annual (weekly?) Dead Lisa Cancer Run. Please, no.

    The DLCR is in October — this could still be considered the lead-up, though, since every human endeavor references and is sanctified by the Decarnation of Lisa.

  75. Alfred E. Neuman
    July 1st, 2013 at 11:35 am [Reply]

    GT— The guy draped over the booth seat in the sub shop demonstrates that he now understands the true meaning of “sub”.

    Love Is— …helping her clean up after a facial.

  76. Poteet
    July 1st, 2013 at 11:42 am [Reply]

  77. Poteet
    July 1st, 2013 at 11:46 am [Reply]

  78. Mibbitmaker
    July 1st, 2013 at 11:49 am [Reply]

    Archie: No, dog, you were afraid yourself was talking to you.

    A3G: No, he’s tired of obeying her all the time.

    Crank: Leave him there! Leave him there!

    FW: Killjoy is there. It’s the whole furshlugginer comic since 1992 (our time).

    H&L: Impotence isn’t only sexual.

    MW: And we all know how the Johnsons didn’t have a choice in the matter, right, Mary…..?

    ZtP: Yeah…. film noir….. screwball comedy….. same thing (???)

    Glibporn: Oh, great, Brooke! Now you’ve gone and ruined meta humor, too!
    (jackass will stop at nothing!)

    9CL: Logic is exhausting. Clearly — Brooke exausted it years ago.

  79. Amos Snarkadder
    July 1st, 2013 at 11:52 am [Reply]

    Crank: She could just strand him at the airport. Sort of like Snowden, but no country would be stupid enough to offer Crankshaft asylum.

  80. DAS
    July 1st, 2013 at 11:53 am [Reply]

    DtM: I agree with all the previous comments about Dennis actually being menacing, but there is another angle as well — “this is all very nice stuff ya got Mr. Wilson. It’s so nice, you should be displaying it downstairs. It would be a shame if anything were to happen to it”

    So we have emotional manipulation bringing a grown man to tears and/or sweat together with an insurance racket. I think we can take back everything we said about Dennis not actually being menacing!

  81. DAS
    July 1st, 2013 at 11:55 am [Reply]

    @Amos Snarkadder (#79): OTOH, I doubt if our government would expend any effort to have the Crank extradited.

  82. terrapin
    July 1st, 2013 at 12:03 pm [Reply]

    A3G: Careful, Lu Ann! The last person who gave Margo a wet willy now go’s by the name “Lefty”.

    JP: “I also require a box of hamsters and a roll of duct tape.”

    MT: “I think I know a way to prove it. We can go down to the police station, and have these otters pick the guilty poacher out of a line-up!”

  83. Mibbitmaker
    July 1st, 2013 at 12:04 pm [Reply]

    RMMD: Already the pint-sized artiste expects Graham Nolan to do all her work for her. “Get my painting on that canvas, pronto, or I’ll see to it you won’t even be allowed to read the comic section, much less work for one!”

  84. Amos Snarkadder
    July 1st, 2013 at 12:04 pm [Reply]

    FW: Trainer? That’s what Les is, a trainer? I’ve not found a trainer very helpful – good for info and getting started on an exercise program, but, at least for me, more distraction than motivation. Now, if Les were my trainer… yeah, I’d choose a beer. Or something stronger.

  85. Baka Gaijin
    July 1st, 2013 at 12:08 pm [Reply]

    @Liam (#3) on Mark Trail: It’s really easy. The cute cuddly one with the big googly eyes? Not Rusty.

    @seismic-2 (#31): It’s not too early in the week for a COTW nomination.

    @The Rt. Venerable Pasdordan (#52) on Dick Tracy: See above.

  86. Calico
    July 1st, 2013 at 12:08 pm [Reply]

    GT – I so love Judo guy’s crazed, sweaty visage in panel 1.
    Panel 2 is also awesome.

  87. Amos Snarkadder
    July 1st, 2013 at 12:09 pm [Reply]

    MW: Oh no! What did the Kinleys do? Mary has banished them to the gulag of the dreaded Building “A”.

  88. Calico
    July 1st, 2013 at 12:09 pm [Reply]

    FW – if Funky is wanting a cold beer the way he does, I think a meeting would be a better place to be rather than running with punny Les.

  89. Sequitur
    July 1st, 2013 at 12:10 pm [Reply]

    @Amos Snarkadder (#84):

    Train her? I don’t even know her! *rimshot*

  90. Joe Blevins
    July 1st, 2013 at 12:24 pm [Reply]

    DTM: This is like a museum of Mr. Wilson’s extinguished hopes and dreams, a monument to all the things he wanted to be but never was: ship’s captain, baseball player, golfer, cowboy, person who reads books, etc.

  91. Baka Gaijin
    July 1st, 2013 at 12:26 pm [Reply]

    Snuffy’s about 20 seconds away from a sloppy dog-administered blowjob.

    In opera, we know it’s over when the fat lady sings. In Mary Worth, we know it’s over when the biddy points the Flying Fickle Finger of Fate. Or prepares to administer a prostate exam. Whatevs.

  92. Sequitur
    July 1st, 2013 at 12:32 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#91):

    When Mary Worth does a prostate exam she has a standing joke. When she takes out her finger she asks, “Would you like to lick the batter?”

  93. Buck Ripsnort
    July 1st, 2013 at 12:36 pm [Reply]

    GT: “And just who’s gonna CLEAN UP all this, eh, Pop? It’s gonna be ME, isn’t it?”

    FC: Jeffy is from the shallow end of the gene pool.

  94. Poteet
    July 1st, 2013 at 12:39 pm [Reply]

    CRANKSHAFT — I just performed an unpleasant mental exercise in which I had Crank saying and doing the usual things he says and does but made him about thirty. Now I’m thinking a little about ageism.

  95. Sequitur
    July 1st, 2013 at 12:44 pm [Reply]

    @Poteet (#94):

    …I had Crank saying and doing the usual things he says and does but made him about thirty.

    That would have been during his pitching days for the Toledo Mudhens. No wonder he never made the major leagues.

  96. Calico
    July 1st, 2013 at 12:49 pm [Reply]

    @Joe Blevins (#90):
    I knew a guy who was a big baseball player
    Back in high school…
    We just sit around talking about the old times,
    She says when she feels like crying
    She starts laughing thinking about
    Glory Days

    Hi Flagston is having the same crisis today.

  97. Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket
    July 1st, 2013 at 12:50 pm [Reply]

    @Poteet (#94): Crankshaft is one of those comics for which the additional “Christ, what an asshole” panel should always be assumed.

  98. Perky Bird
    July 1st, 2013 at 12:53 pm [Reply]

    The Subwich–available in a vendo near you! The perfect meal, whether you’re on a solo car date or batchin’ in at home! Now available in mayonnaise and salmon square flavors! Try one today!

  99. Calico
    July 1st, 2013 at 12:54 pm [Reply]

    @Buck Ripsnort (#93):
    Re: FC, I think Baldo got the stupid DNA as well, unlike his little sister. I’m surprised he didn’t bust ass/coccyx.

  100. Calico
    July 1st, 2013 at 12:56 pm [Reply]

    @Huckleberry Fink (#1):
    As long as Mary doesn’t plan a good ol’ fashioned down-home Plantation-style wedding for TomBeth, everything should be ok.

  101. walt d.
    July 1st, 2013 at 1:00 pm [Reply]

    RMMD: So perhaps THIS is the story: Little girl grotesquely overreaches and all the adults egg her on, disregarding common sense. Kind of a hard place to put a five year old, even an annoying one. You can’t say the parental attitude is a fantasy though. Children have fantasies but I think it’s usually the adult who goes to the person in charge demanding that their child be made quarterback, cheerleader, dramatic lead, and so on.

    RMMD: And I might say that the transition from drawing horsies on paper to putting an image on a canvas as big as you are is rather overwhelming. Again, do cartoonists/writers even read their own story? She went to the museum proposing to have a book made of work she had already done, and it sort of wandered from there.

    RMMD: Also, Heather runs a daycare, not a school. A daycare supposedly in the same building as the Morgan practice. Has Heather upgraded or gotten a position, paid or unpaid, at a school? It’s not that I care, it’s just that it seems like a writer could keep track of these things.

  102. tallyHO
    July 1st, 2013 at 1:02 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#58):
    “Sure, if you look up at him, you’ll see his poop shoot. But, at least he maintains his poker face!”

    “Naw! Ya misunderstand why I keep lookin’! I’m just afraid he’s gonna start pooping aces of spade.”

    “See, that’s where you don’t understand Heathcliff, my poker playing chum! He’s more like to fart a cover of “Sketches of Spain” than to use his levitation ability for mischief. Yup! That’s my Heacthcliff!”

  103. Ratiocinator
    July 1st, 2013 at 1:05 pm [Reply]

    JP: Helpful concierge! Sexy helpful concierge! Her sexiness suitably distracts me from Alan being a Pissyface.

    ASM: Wouldn’t it have been a good idea to come up with a plan before you got in line, Peter?

  104. seismic-2
    July 1st, 2013 at 1:09 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#95): Remember, Ed Crankshaft used to take lots of batting practice sessions from “Beanball” Bushka, in the days before batting helmets. Just sayin’.

  105. tallyHO
    July 1st, 2013 at 1:17 pm [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#104): Now you are making me wonder if during the summers of his youth, he worked as a carnie where his head was used a target for softballs….

    softballs thrown at his head in a game called “Plonk a Crank!”.

  106. The Rt. Venerable Pasdordan
    July 1st, 2013 at 1:19 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#85): Thank ye kindly, though I myself am always partial to “That’s what she said!” jokes.

  107. Liam
    July 1st, 2013 at 1:21 pm [Reply]

    MT-”We saved them from poachers by introducing them to the love of Jesus.”

    Gil Thorp-”See I refilled your lemonade and I wasn’t side tracked by geese with gold bands, cake decorating contests, men with fake Australian accents selling perfectly legal dvds and tattoos.”

  108. seismic-2
    July 1st, 2013 at 1:25 pm [Reply]

    MT: Today’s missing fourth panel.

  109. Calico
    July 1st, 2013 at 1:26 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#92):
    Mary Worth, queen of the Dirty Sanchez
    (I just officially grossed myself out)

  110. Ratiocinator
    July 1st, 2013 at 1:28 pm [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#17):

    SFx: I’ve seen enough hentai to know where THIS is going!!

    Naughty tent–I mean, snake segments?

    @seismic-2 (#26):

    JP: Of Course We Can Accommodate You, Mr. Parker will be the title of Alan’s autobiography.

    The week is early, but I say that this should be the Comment Of It!

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#30): I really feel like it was a mistake to try to tell Milton’s story and Sarah’s at the same time. Putting aside whether either one is any good (I think the Sarah story has been ridiculous so far, and the Milton one has been all right), these stories move slowly enough without having to jump back and forth between them.

    @AhClem (#37): Heh, yeah, my mind went there too.

    @SurrealKangaroo (#68):

    You made a grown man cry.

    Ride like the wind, at double speed. I’ll take you places that you’ve never, never seen!

    @Baka Gaijin (#85):

    It’s not too early in the week for a COTW nomination.

    Ah, great minds and all that.

  111. Mr. Yezpitelok
    July 1st, 2013 at 1:33 pm [Reply]

    Chris Browne the Horrible: Who do you think you are — Brooke McEldowney?

    Stick-It-to-the-Tinkersons: She also neglected to tell him that he’s having all of his teeth pulled and is being fitted for dentures.

  112. Bread to Be Bad
    July 1st, 2013 at 1:34 pm [Reply]

    @Alison (#34):

    “But what the f($% is a “subwich?”

    A sandwich which gets erotic pleasure from obeying a domwich?

  113. Alison
    July 1st, 2013 at 1:36 pm [Reply]

    “Luann”: Does Toni’s brother know that she is constantly handing his kid off to a teenager? Generally, if you ask your relative to babysit for you, you expect *them* to do the babysitting.

    “Mary Worth”: At first I thought there was a brand-new storyline about new tenants in Charterstone. Alas, no, it is Tom, Beth, and Elinor. AGAIN. Either this is the longest MW arc ever, or it just feels that way because it’s so terrible.

    “Rex Morgan”: Ha ha ha ha at the obnoxious art prodigy being miserable, whatever the reason (I don’t know and I don’t care, any reason is fine).

  114. Alison
    July 1st, 2013 at 1:38 pm [Reply]

    @Alison (#113):
    Also, there appear to be two Alisons today…just so I don’t look like I’m ignoring anyone. I didn’t write post #34. I just griped about “Luann” again since that’s my favorite thing to do here. Also, griping about “Mary Worth”…that’s pretty good too.

  115. cheech wizard
    July 1st, 2013 at 1:40 pm [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#108): …and the inspiration for the Zappa album of the same name.

  116. Baka Gaijin
    July 1st, 2013 at 1:47 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#92): Ewwwwwww. Ick.

    @Perky Bird (#98): COTW contender!

    @seismic-2 (#108): What the hell kind of magazine is THAT?

    @Calico (#109): See uppermost comment, trebled.

  117. Baka Gaijin
    July 1st, 2013 at 1:50 pm [Reply]

    @Alison (#113) on Mary Worth: Time flies when you’re having fun.

  118. Francis Hobbs
    July 1st, 2013 at 1:50 pm [Reply]

    @Mr. Yezpitelok (#111): How does Bill “The Tinkersons” Bettwy manage to come up with worse punchlines than even the ones used in “Todd the Dinosaur”?

  119. Shrug, Battling Cannibal Nympho Nazi Space Aliens
    July 1st, 2013 at 1:51 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#116):

    “What the hell kind of magazine is THAT?”

    Genre generally known as “men’s adventure” or (allegedly) “true adventure.”

    Back in the fifties, Fibber McGee used to subscribe to PARTLY TRUE MAGAZINE, which always struck me as the mot juste.

    ///Genre also cynically known as “men’s sweatmags.”

  120. Shrug, Battling Cannibal Nympho Nazi Space Aliens
    July 1st, 2013 at 1:56 pm [Reply]

  121. cheech wizard
    July 1st, 2013 at 2:06 pm [Reply]

    @Shrug, Battling Cannibal Nympho Nazi Space Aliens (#119): A staple of barbershops everywhere during the 50s and 60s, along with thick clouds of cigarette smoke to poison young lungs. Me, I stuck with Archie, Betty and Veronica. And Sgt. Rock. I really dug Sgt. Rock.

  122. seismic-2
    July 1st, 2013 at 2:08 pm [Reply]

    @Shrug, Battling Cannibal Nympho Nazi Space Aliens (#120): A standing joke about magazines like True and Argosy is that their primary mode of circulation was neither subscriptions nor newsstand sales; instead, they relied on copies’ being taken home from the barber shop.

  123. Dood
    July 1st, 2013 at 2:17 pm [Reply]

    Gil Thorp: As one of the possibly as many as 23 regular readers of this strip, is it too much to ask that if you’re going to show Mimi Clover Thorp in a bikini, that you might, possibly, maybe have Marjie Ducey appear wearing her beret more than that one time?

  124. Calico
    July 1st, 2013 at 2:30 pm [Reply]

    @Dood (#123):
    Was it Raspberry, the kind you find in a second hand store?

  125. TheDiva
    July 1st, 2013 at 2:30 pm [Reply]

    MT: Great, now can you prove that’s really an otter in Jason Smith’s hands and not one of the prairie dog Muppets from this segment?

    MW: “Honey, that creepy old lady is spying on us again.”
    “Shh, I know. Don’t worry, in a few hours we won’t have to worry about her any more…”

    Pluggers: Device: n. a machine or tool used for a specific task.
    Pluggers lack simple language comprehension skills.

    SM: Convention, day job as a Spider-Man impersonator, kinky sex play, take your pick. (Personally I’d be more worried about the web shooters, which aren’t as easily explained and probably look enough like bomb components to arouse suspicion. The TSA could be Spidey’s most formidable foe yet.)

  126. Pinewood Tom
    July 1st, 2013 at 2:30 pm [Reply]

  127. velvet goldmine
    July 1st, 2013 at 2:32 pm [Reply]

    JP: I’ll also require a tallit, to go with the yamaka I’m wearing for some reason.

  128. Dood
    July 1st, 2013 at 2:33 pm [Reply]

    @Calico (#124): Oh, yeah. And if it was warm, she wouldn’t wear much more.

  129. Calico
    July 1st, 2013 at 2:33 pm [Reply]

    @walt d. (#101):
    Exactly. Let kids be kids.
    Right now our little lovely eight year girl in VT (daughter of friend who passed last year) wants to be a fashion designer and have a flat and a shop in Paris. Awesome, but her desires will most likely change over time…

  130. Calico
    July 1st, 2013 at 2:36 pm [Reply]

    Heathcliff is getting high today.
    I hope nobody robs his game – they are going to be mighty sorry if they do.

  131. Horace Broon
    July 1st, 2013 at 2:41 pm [Reply]

    A3G: So Margo has human emotions, but considers them immaterial. You will note that her hair hides the tops of her ears. I’m just saying, if they came to points, we wouldn’t be able to tell.

    ASM: Oh, god, we’re not doing this again, are we?

    FW: And that apparently concludes our Very Special Episode. We now return you to our regularly scheduled smirking dick making unfunny puns at the expense of an obese alcoholic. If I’d been remotely invested in Frankie’s Story, I’d be suing Batuik for whiplash.

    MW: As the Johnsons pack up their things, the teenage daughter pleads “But why, Mom? We’ll miss the pool party!” Mrs Johnson shakes her head, white-lipped. “The Meddler has decreed that our apartment is part of her master narrative. If anyone asks, we’ve been planning to move for ages and already have a new home.”

  132. AhClem
    July 1st, 2013 at 2:43 pm [Reply]

    @cheech wizard (#121): The barber shop I went to as a kid was well-stocked with Sad Sack comic books.

  133. Mr. Yezpitelok
    July 1st, 2013 at 2:50 pm [Reply]

    Gil Thorp: I still think this is a mash-up of Jerry Siegel’s “The Star-Spangled Kid” (The Star-Spangled Shirtman) and H. P. Lovecraft’s “The Dunwich Horror” (The Subwich Horror).

  134. Alfred E. Neuman
    July 1st, 2013 at 2:57 pm [Reply]

    Crankshaft— Sorry, gang, but I’m with Crankshaft on this one. “What did you fly?” is a stupidly imprecise question to ask when what you mean is, “What airline did you fly?”. Chris thoroughly deserved the answer she got. However, we must remember that she grew up in the land of “vendos” and “solo car dates”, so maybe everyone from Ohio is supposed to know the exact meaning of “What did you fly?”.

    In the old days, before he became a widower, Chris never had to ask that question. Crankshaft and his wife always flew United. They finally quit when the flight attendants objected.

  135. Perky Bird
    July 1st, 2013 at 3:05 pm [Reply]

    It’s true that Heathcliff has mastered the perfect “poker face.” Unfortunately, when he’s dealt a great hand, he still isn’t able to stop his butt cheeks from clenching so tightly with excitement that the force propels him into the air.

  136. Shrug, Battling Cannibal Nympho Nazi Space Aliens
    July 1st, 2013 at 3:12 pm [Reply]

    @Pinewood Tom (#126):

    Absolutely. ARGOSY, ADVENTURE, and BLUEBOOK back in the day were probably the three most highly regarded of the general pulp/adventure magazines, and all three of them ended their days as men’s sweat magazines — all very sad.

    My main hangout on the web is the Fictionmags Yahoo group, and under my Real Identity I’ve indexed hundreds of 19th and early 20th century issues of ARGOSY (and its predecessor GOLDEN ARGOSY) for the Fictionmags Index at

    Mostly pre-ERBish era though (since most of those had already been indexed by other hands)

    Denny the Shrug

  137. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    July 1st, 2013 at 3:18 pm [Reply]

    I know I’m risking inspiring intense jealousy here, but: In about 2 hours, a group of ‘mudges will be gathering for pizza, libations, and snarky conversation!

  138. Sequitur
    July 1st, 2013 at 3:22 pm [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#137):

    Oooh! Snark Con 2013! Make way for Sir Snarksalot!

  139. Ratiocinator
    July 1st, 2013 at 3:23 pm [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#137): Jealousy successfully inspired! >_<

    (Nah, seriously, hope you all have fun.)

  140. seismic-2
    July 1st, 2013 at 3:29 pm [Reply]

    I like my pizza with extra otter.

  141. Sequitur
    July 1st, 2013 at 3:44 pm [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#140):

    Then I guess you can chow down with these guys.

    Wait. You meant an order of otter on the pizza.

  142. Vince M
    July 1st, 2013 at 3:46 pm [Reply]

    @Shrug, Battling Cannibal Nympho Nazi Space Aliens (#119): I’d read that the MO for these magazines was: paint a nice lurid cover, then make up a story to go with it. Fighting off hordes of animals was a recurring theme; my favorite was the attack of the vicious flying squirrels.

  143. Walker of Dog
    July 1st, 2013 at 3:48 pm [Reply]

    @AhClem (#132): My childhood barbershop library was mostly Field & Stream, mixed with a few Husters. So, boredom with the occasional surprise insert of CONFUSION.

  144. Purple Prosecutor
    July 1st, 2013 at 4:06 pm [Reply]

    I think I like Gil Thorp’s line from panel three better as additional dialogue for the codger from the first two panels.

    “Nothing I couldn’t handle, Harry! See? I’ve already refilled my lemonade and nothing has disturbed the peace! And I only had to crack two guys’ heads open to get my side of fries!”

  145. Artist formerly known as Ben
    July 1st, 2013 at 4:06 pm [Reply]

    DtM: Dennis is rubbing George Wilson’s face in the fact that his wife finds his collectibles embarrassing, and possibly him as well. That’s actually some good menacing.

    GT: It’s nice to know that vigilante justice in this strip exhibits the same kind of insane and impossible perspective as the sports action.

  146. Artist formerly known as Ben
    July 1st, 2013 at 4:07 pm [Reply]

    MT: Otter: Yeah dude, I’d know those poachers anywhere. Put me on the stand.

    MW: What’s that? Someone with a bigger and better johnson is moving in? Guess we didn’t know everything about Tom.

    FW: Killjoys in Westview? Talk about carrying coals to Newcastle.

    9CL: Amos knows that if he doesn’t knuckle under, Edda’s next wall of text will break the borders and send them all flying into the white void. For whatever reason he’s not ready for this yet.

    Baldo: Baldo’s cannonball indeed felt like a cannon to the balls.

    GA: Truly a question for the ages, Mr. Skinner.

  147. Artist formerly known as Ben
    July 1st, 2013 at 4:08 pm [Reply]

    HtH: The jig was up when the king saw Hagar’s “Whoever dies with the most toys wins” bumper sticker.

    H&L: Hi Flagston was thwarted in his ambitions, and somehow we all missed out on the blandest world domination possible.

    FC: Insert “gene pool” joke here.

    S-M: Somehow the man who invented spider-trackers and web-shooters can’t get the hang of reversible fabrics.

    H&J: What’s scary is that neither of them recognize Jamaal’s not-girlfriend Yolanda in country club male drag.

    Marvin: Abandon all libido, ye who enter here.

  148. Artist formerly known as Ben
    July 1st, 2013 at 4:09 pm [Reply]

    @Horace Broon (#131): Margo Magee strikes me as more Romulan than Vulcan.

  149. TheDiva
    July 1st, 2013 at 4:13 pm [Reply]

    @Alfred E. Neuman (#134): I’m wondering why Chris is asking this question in any form at all, since it seems like she would have inquired about his flight information sometime before driving to pick him up at the airport. But then if she did something as sensible as that, she wouldn’t be able to set up today’s “joke”…

  150. Alison
    July 1st, 2013 at 4:14 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#117):
    That explains it. “John Dill bakes a cake” was fun and it seemed very short. I hope he comes back. Even if it’s just to bake a cake at the request of Tom, Beth and Elinor, whom I’m thinking may never leave. (Naturally, there will be an edible figurine of Mary Worth on top of the cake, like last time.)

  151. Sequitur
    July 1st, 2013 at 4:16 pm [Reply]

  152. Ukulele Ike
    July 1st, 2013 at 4:27 pm [Reply]

    @The Rt. Venerable Pasdordan (#52): “Sinfest: I have a little more patience for this strip than some around here, but you could pretty much substitute today’s episode for any other random date without a significant loss in meaning. Amirite, guys?”

    It seemed to me to be a direct followup to the Sunday strip.

    Lemme ask you, as a Sinfest fan — god knows I wouldn’t dare broach this in the Sinfest Forum — is Tatsuya somehow mocking the “humorless feminist” stereotype by doing a year-long feminist story arc (has it been a year already? Two years? Ten?) that is, y’know, completely humorless….?

  153. SPG
    July 1st, 2013 at 4:42 pm [Reply]

    Alan finds a nearby Starbucks, and a very friendly Barista!
    Barista: “Of course I can help you, sir. What would you like?”
    Alan: “I need to stay awake! I’d like a latte, with soy! Can you do that for me? I am very wealthy.”
    B: “Sure thing; we can actually do that for anyone. Your requests are kind of mundane.”
    A: “What?! Well, I also want… a cake pop! And free in-store Wifi! And… one of these little cards with a song download code. For free!”

  154. Rubrick
    July 1st, 2013 at 4:45 pm [Reply]

    “I’ll need a printer too. A very small printer. About the size of… maybe a bocce ball?”

  155. cheech wizard
    July 1st, 2013 at 4:45 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#151): I always figured her to be a reptilian “Visitor.” That’s why she often has that smile like the cat who swallowed the canary.

  156. Amos Snarkadder
    July 1st, 2013 at 5:15 pm [Reply]

    @DAS (#81):
    Maybe his daughter will have him deported. To Westview. Do you suppose that’s how he wound up in the nursing home?

  157. Calico
    July 1st, 2013 at 5:24 pm [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#137):
    I am intensely jealous.
    Seriously, have a great time; I hope to meet some of you CC-ers eventually.

  158. bats :[
    July 1st, 2013 at 5:49 pm [Reply]

    Wow. So many serial comics move glacially. And are so repetitive.
    So why should this one be any different?

  159. Uncle Lumpy
    July 1st, 2013 at 5:54 pm [Reply]

    Funky Winkerbean pulls back from the aggressively obnoxious Frank ‘n’ Lisa story to mildly irritating pointless chitchat. Or in the argot of the strip, from appendicitis to Crohn’s.

  160. jim, some guy in iowa
    July 1st, 2013 at 6:00 pm [Reply]

    @Uncle Lumpy (#159): “aggressively obnoxious” “FW”

    geez, if only the storyline had *that* much going for it…

  161. Droopy Says
    July 1st, 2013 at 6:00 pm [Reply]

    @Uncle Lumpy (#74): Of course today’s FW is the start of the Dead Lisa Cancer Fest story. Batiuk needs four months because it will be a Very Special Episode. Dead Lisa Herself will return and smite all the people who denied her when Frankie asked about her. Les, who arranged it all, shall be turned into a serpent and shall crawl on his belly, not that anyone will notice a difference. St. Lisa will disown Dar(r)in, who will change his name to Ishmael while his wife becomes the legendary Wandering Shrew. Summer shall be anointed as Dead Lisa’s only begotten son, which we all saw coming anyway, and will have her last supper at Monotony’s pizza. When she is presented with Dead Fucking Lisa’s final tape, she shall say “Let this cup of whine pass me by.”

    So in some Spiderman way, Frankie wins after all.

  162. Odie Odo
    July 1st, 2013 at 6:05 pm [Reply]

    @Huckleberry Fink (#1):

    Mary Worth: Once again Mary forces poor Carlos Alora do the grunt work in this strip. After all, Hellinor, Beeth and Tom Harpman, Tom Harpman are way
    too busy being self-absorbed a$$h@le$ to carry their own crap into their new apartment.

    And both Kinleys will pretend to be impressed when Tom Tom gives Carlos a quarter for his “trouble.”

    Carlos is a peon. Which means he’s used to getting peed on by The Man.

  163. Jim in Wisc.
    July 1st, 2013 at 6:15 pm [Reply]

    The shape of Funky Winkerbean’s noggin always reminds me of Johnny Lemonhead from the comic strip “Red Meat.”

  164. cheech wizard
    July 1st, 2013 at 6:23 pm [Reply]

    @Jim in Wisc. (#163): Perhaps the World’s Most Disturbing Comic. Most of the time, it’s just weird and more than a little gross. But every now and then, it’s downright awesome.

    “It’s true, no man is an island. But if you tie a bunch of dead guys together, they make a pretty good raft.”
    – Bug-eyed Earl

  165. Amos Snarkadder
    July 1st, 2013 at 6:26 pm [Reply]

    @Artist formerly known as Ben (#146):

    FW: Killjoys in Westview? Talk about carrying coals to Newcastle.

    Bwahahaha! COTW!

  166. Mr. Yezpitelok
    July 1st, 2013 at 6:28 pm [Reply]

    RMMD: The world is now Sawah’s blank canvas. As if to drive home the point, June and Heather appear to be floating in a featureless white void.

  167. Amos Snarkadder
    July 1st, 2013 at 6:29 pm [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#137): I think you ‘mudgeons should have a direct snark-feed to the CC website.
    // Maybe Jessica can provide a video connection. I hear she has nice lighting.

  168. tallyHO
    July 1st, 2013 at 6:30 pm [Reply]

    @Alison (#150):

    On the previous cake, Mary was depicted as Mother Nature.

    This time I’d want her to be orange, fabulous and sugar shock sweet. I want Dilldo Bakins to sculpt this Great Moment in Restraining Order Theater as Lady Marmalade!

    //seriously, what’s all this about cake then? JohnDill Pickle is dropping by for a West Coast layering and frosting session with Mary…and/or Elinor?

    I should read the comics and these comments more often.

    //does anyone still say, ‘Excelsior’, or, does that remind them of spreadsheets that are due on Friday?

  169. Jim in Wisc.
    July 1st, 2013 at 6:34 pm [Reply]

    @cheech wizard (#164):
    I bought a crappy beat-up old rocker at the second-hand store today for seven bucks.


    I think his name was “Eddie Money.”

    - Bug-Eyed Earl

  170. cheech wizard
    July 1st, 2013 at 6:36 pm [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#168): Just as long as they don’t show her in a bikini and drinking a margarita.

  171. tallyHO
    July 1st, 2013 at 6:43 pm [Reply]

    @Bread to Be Bad (#112):

    Don’t quote me on this because I don’t read “Gil Thorne”. Hell, I don’t even know who “Gil Thune” is,, Hell, I barely know what the comic is supposed to be about!

    But, if I had take an educated guess, I’d say a “subwich” is the kind of sandwich which goes down on you.

    All hands on Deck! We’re going down, boys! Man the torpedoes! Who brought the salsa and chips?

  172. Anonymous
    July 1st, 2013 at 6:48 pm [Reply]

    @bats :[ (#158):

    I’m gonna be expecting Judge Pissyface every day now. I want it on the Darkgate Comic Slurper.

    And I don’t expect a stupid rehash on Sunday!

  173. Joe Blevins
    July 1st, 2013 at 6:49 pm [Reply]

    Just figured out the joke in this Dennis the Menace! Mr. Wilson’s lured Dennis to the attic to kill him. He’s going to brain him with that ship-in-a-bottle he’s holding. And just at that moment, he feels a twinge of nostalgia for all the and the Mitchell boy have gone through together over the decades and cries a single tear. Oh, don’t get me wrong. He’s still going through with the murder; he’s just going to feel bad about it. You can see it in his face. “So this is how it ends, huh? I dunno. I always thought this moment would bring me happiness.”

  174. Sequitur
    July 1st, 2013 at 6:50 pm [Reply]

    @Anonymous (#172):

    Hey! That was me. Stupid otter ate my cookies.

  175. The Rt. Venerable Pasdordan
    July 1st, 2013 at 6:55 pm [Reply]

    @Ukulele Ike (#152): There’s a Sinfest forum? Why the hell didn’t I know about this?

    Anyway, it’s really unfortunate what’s happened. Ishida’s gift has always been to get into an idea and take it to over-the-top heights. There’s no use asking him to get off it already: obsessing over shit is who he is, it’s what he does. Unfortunately, he’s long since beat the humor out of this subject, but until he finds some new thread to play with, we’re just stuck with it.

    tldr; It’s not parody or straight-up feminism. He’s playing out ALL THE ANGLES, and until he’s done, we just have to wait for something funny to come along.

  176. Sequitur
    July 1st, 2013 at 6:57 pm [Reply]

    @Jim in Wisc. (#163):

    Hmmm. Now that you mention it

  177. Alfred E. Neuman
    July 1st, 2013 at 7:13 pm [Reply]

    @TheDiva (#149) Re: Crankshaft— Chris probably didn’t know he was coming until he called to tell her that he had arrived. Pam and Jeff didn’t tell her about his trip because they hoped he would get to New York, wander aimlessly alone, meet with foul play, and disappear from their lives forever.

  178. UncleJeff
    July 1st, 2013 at 7:21 pm [Reply]

    @bats :[ (#158): “Judge Pissyface” — the new “Count Morgu”.

  179. jvwalt
    July 1st, 2013 at 7:30 pm [Reply]

    JP: Today’s caption — “ALAN FINDS THE BUSINESS CENTER AND A VERY HELPFUL CONCIERGE!” — all caps, exclamation point — perfectly encapsulates the utter tediousness of this strip.

    It’d also be a good opening for a scene in a porno flick.

  180. Peanut Gallery
    July 1st, 2013 at 7:46 pm [Reply]

    @jvwalt (#179): On the other hand, The Very Helpful Concierge could be the next Eric Carle book.

  181. Liam
    July 1st, 2013 at 7:49 pm [Reply]

    MW-And now that the Johnsons are moving out willingly and not being forced to move in any way whatsoever.

    FW-Killjoy was there, moved in there, eventually got cancer and died there.

    MT-Yay! Mark is going to prove once again why he graduated top of his class at the Slylock Fox School of Detecting.

  182. Liam
    July 1st, 2013 at 7:58 pm [Reply]

    JP-Of the course the concierge is being helpful she just heard about a reviewer, who panned the judge’s book, who just suddenly and mysteriously died.

  183. Sequitur
    July 1st, 2013 at 8:00 pm [Reply]

    @Liam (#181):

    MT-Yay! Mark is going to prove once again why he graduated top of his class at the Slylock Fox School of Detecting.

    Didn’t tallyHO graduate from there?

  184. Government Cheese
    July 1st, 2013 at 8:05 pm [Reply]

    MW: Apparently, Tom has spared no expense in decorating their new condo with folding metal chairs.

    Luann: Really? You can’t find a sitter? Are there only 5 people who reside in this cartoon strip version of San Diego? Oh, and Toni, she ain’t your kid.

  185. The Ridger
    July 1st, 2013 at 8:10 pm [Reply]

    GT: Subwiches are a thing that exists; like playdowns, they seem geographically limited.

    For FW: a poem by Gene McCarthy

    Kilroy is gone,
    the word is out,
    absent without leave
    from Vietnam.

    who wrote his name
    in every can
    from Poland to Japan
    and places in between
    like Sheboygan and Racine
    is gone
    absent without leave
    from Vietnam.

    who kept the dice
    and stole the ice
    out of the BOQ
    whose name was good
    on every IOU
    in World War II
    and even in Korea
    is gone
    absent without leave
    from Vietnam.

    the unknown soldier
    who was the first to land
    the last to leave,
    with his own hand
    has taken his good name
    from all the walls
    and toilet stalls.
    whose name around the world
    was like the flag unfurled
    has run it down
    and left Saigon
    and the Mekong
    without a hero or a song
    and gone
    absent without leave
    from Vietnam.

  186. Ukulele Ike
    July 1st, 2013 at 8:36 pm [Reply]

    @The Rt. Venerable Pasdordan (#175): Crud, I was afraid you were going to say that.

    Would it help if we both flew to San Diego, and….beat on him a while? We could go out for damn good Mexican afterwards.

  187. Ukulele Ike
    July 1st, 2013 at 8:39 pm [Reply]

    “You….WILL….(bomf)…go back to the Criminy/Fucshia….(whompf)….ROMANCE arc!!!!”

  188. tallyHO
    July 1st, 2013 at 8:45 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#183):

    Nah. I ain’t got one o’ dose fancy schmancy forest educations!

    I just saved some box tops from Sugar Crisps cereal, clipped a coupon from a comic book and voila!:

    The Slylock Fox Junior Detective Kit. (caveat: some parts are defective and it didn’t take a genius to figure that out).

  189. tallyHO
    July 1st, 2013 at 8:53 pm [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#188):

    My defective detective skills haven’t confirmed this yet but I heard that they discontinued the product because of increased customer complaints. Apparently, some who bought the kid believed that it included the choice between a 7-Foot Tall, Glow-in-the-Dark Slylock Fox or you could choose The Array of Floating Count Weirdly heads, which came with X-Ray, Inter-dimensional, trans-temporal glasses.

    Suffice it to say, the ones who wanted Option A were perverts.
    The ones who wanted Option B were nuts.

  190. Sequitur
    July 1st, 2013 at 8:56 pm [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#189):

    Wasn’t there an Option C? The Max Mouse porno shorts?

    Those that chose option C were perverted nuts.

  191. tallyHO
    July 1st, 2013 at 9:01 pm [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#189):

    “bought the KIT”

    I will use this faux pas to comment on my favorite foe of my favorite fox pal.

    The floating heads of Weirdly and the special glasses were supposed to let you “see” various things. So, if you looked at one head, you might see his soul. If you looked at another, you will see how he tried to start a rock band at Plymouth Rock back when the pilgrims showed up, only to realize that there was no electricity back then. Fortunately, Slylock peeked into the past using some concoction Max brewed up. Mouse Martinis or something. I hear that with a little kickapoo you’d swear you were hired as an extra in the movie “Altered States”–quite the dystopian movie to evolved forest critters.

  192. tallyHO
    July 1st, 2013 at 9:04 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#190):

    If you are referring to “Rock Hard Rodentia VII”, I plead ignorance. How they stretched that thin premise to 6 sequels is beyond me.

    “Max Magic Shorts come off in the pool and several someones find Max before Max finds his shorts”

  193. Uncle Lumpy
    July 1st, 2013 at 9:08 pm [Reply]

    I found a helpful concierge
    Up at the business center
    And if I feel a bouncy urge
    I’ll ask if I can rent her.

  194. tallyHO
    July 1st, 2013 at 9:09 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#190):

    Option C was an add-on board game called “The World’s Most Dangerous Game”.

    You had to outwit both Slylock and his “M”–Count Weirdly and just survive. Those who bought that package never called to complain at all so it is presumed they are content, healthy and thriving people.

  195. Artist formerly known as Ben
    July 1st, 2013 at 9:10 pm [Reply]

    @Alfred E. Neuman (#177): Those damned plummeting crime statistics bone them again.

  196. Artist formerly known as Ben
    July 1st, 2013 at 9:11 pm [Reply]

    @Amos Snarkadder (#165): Thank you-thank you. I’m just happy to be here.

  197. Sequitur
    July 1st, 2013 at 9:21 pm [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#194):

    OUCH! Rodent parts!

  198. Cloudbuster
    July 1st, 2013 at 9:26 pm [Reply]

    @Liam (#3): JP-”And I also need a big breasted naked woman to sit on my lap and tell me how great I am.” Who doesn’t?

  199. walt d.
    July 1st, 2013 at 9:29 pm [Reply]

    Dilbert: I don’t approve of Wally’s work habits, but I also don’t buy Dilbert’s plaint. Workplace appreciation is shown by raises and promotions. All other forms of “appreciation” aren’t worth the time it takes away from your job to acknowledge them.

    Dilbert: “Fine words butter no parsnips.” –Walt Kelly.

  200. Baka Gaijin
    July 1st, 2013 at 9:31 pm [Reply]

    @Perky Bird (#135): So disturbing. So very disturbing. And funny!

    @Artist formerly known as Ben (#147) on Marvin: To be fair, it’s not the man who has to spend the next 18 years at home with next baby who could turn out to be an even worse poop geyser, if that’s even possible.

    @Alison (#150): So disturbing. So very disturbing. Someone eating Mary Worth. Ew.

    @Calico (#157): Seconded.

    @bats :[ (#158): OMG! If visual arts could be COTW contenders, this would be.

    @Liam (#181): Not forced out at all, if being subjected to a constant barrage of a biddy inviting herself into their lives to nose around and shove stale salmon squares on them. No, not forced out at all.

  201. Sgt. Stoned
    July 1st, 2013 at 9:34 pm [Reply]

    GT: Maybe Gil can get his wrestling team together for another Kangaroo Court to determine if the old geezer is guilty of voluntary or involuntary manslaughter.

    JP: Yeah. Serious writing. “Dear Skanky Bitch Who was critical of my book…”

    MT: “Big Mike, I’ve been hunting for three days and haven’t seen one otter. I can’t go home empty handed…”

  202. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    July 1st, 2013 at 9:48 pm [Reply]

    @bats :[ (#158): We were full of praise for Judge Pissyface at dinner this evening—praise for your comic strip, that is, not for the stupid judge with his stupid pissyface.

  203. Huckleberry Fink
    July 1st, 2013 at 10:15 pm [Reply]

    9CL: Isn’t “She Has No Mouth, and Yet She Still Talks (and Talks)” a postapocalyptic science fiction short story by Harlan McEllisondowney?

  204. Tafadhali
    July 1st, 2013 at 10:26 pm [Reply]

    I was skimming, and my first thoughts, in order, upon seeing the JP panel were, “Who is treating Peter Parker with respect?” and “Haha, who died and made Jameson let you write, pal?”

    The shirt didn’t surprise me, but eventually the greying temple clued me in.

  205. bats :[
    July 1st, 2013 at 10:34 pm [Reply]

    @cheech wizard (#164): a friend of mine used to date Max Cannon when they were in college. Believe or don’t!
    Max now hosts a monthly amateur filmmaking contest at our local arthouse…supposed to be all sorts of funny.

  206. bats :[
    July 1st, 2013 at 10:36 pm [Reply]

    @UncleJeff (#178): nah…I’d drop Judge PF in a heartbeat to get Count Morgu back into the RMMD mix (although, did you notice that the museum curator, with his glasses and receding hairline, has more than a passing resemblance to Dr. Andy? Hmmmm…).

  207. Señor Wences
    July 1st, 2013 at 10:44 pm [Reply]

    @Huckleberry Fink (#203):

    The verbose Harlan McEllisondowney also scripted several episodes of the science fiction television series Babble-On 5.

  208. bats :[
    July 1st, 2013 at 10:47 pm [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#202): ah! No wonder my ears were burning! And all this while, I thought it might be poison ivy from the Lone Star State.

    Meanwhile, I dream in vain of a lovely pool party, far, far away, filled with beautiful people. And all I get is this…

  209. Der Schnärkïnätör mit Ümläütën!
    July 1st, 2013 at 11:01 pm [Reply]

    @walt d. (#199):

    “Dilbert: I don’t approve of Wally’s work habits, but I also don’t buy Dilbert’s plaint. Workplace appreciation is shown by raises and promotions. All other forms of “appreciation” aren’t worth the time it takes away from your job to acknowledge”

    I strongly suspect that you don’t work for my employer. No raises again for us!

    // Our CEO is VERY WELL PAID however…..

  210. Der Schnärkïnätör mit Ümläütën!
    July 1st, 2013 at 11:04 pm [Reply]

    @Der Schnärkïnätör mit Ümläütën! (#209):

    And he reminds us as to how well we are doing…..

    /Rant off

  211. Der Schnärkïnätör mit Ümläütën!
    July 1st, 2013 at 11:08 pm [Reply]

    Juggs Pissyface – Gotta love it!

    // Maybe he’ll get so pissed off that he’ll blow his O-ring!

    //// Or hers…..

  212. Huckleberry Fink
    July 1st, 2013 at 11:22 pm [Reply]

    Gil Thorp: The Situation’s SON? I didn’t know the Jersey Shore’s Michael Paul Sorrentino even had a son!

  213. Droopy Says
    July 1st, 2013 at 11:31 pm [Reply]

    The Addlepated Spiderman: Parker, you’ll have much bigger problems if the Kingpin turns around and notices you. But I do hope you have to sit next to Mouthy the Menace and hear all about the Avengers.

    Creepy Les & Fat Failure Funky: Bathack, please go jogging. Please try to textwall while jogging. Please let us know how many words you gasp out before you have to shut up.

    Family Circus: “An’ that’s why I squeezed Jeffy like a tube of toofpaste!”

    Family Circus: Back home from Westview and free of his secret identity as Frankie, Bil delights in his daughter’s sinister words as she grinds her fist into her palm. “Someday, Daddy, I shall avenge you!”

    Mark Trail: So take Rusty with you, Mark, then they’ll know it can’t be you.

    Phantom: “You should know he’s anchored on the wrong side of the lines, at far too low an altitude, forgot his binoculars and plotting board, he’s not dressed warmly enough, and his voice isn’t squeaking because he’s inhaled his own hydrogen!”

    You’re a Plugger if you don’t think your fall-apart car and outdated hat give away your secret identity.

  214. Der Schnärkïnätör mit Ümläütën!
    July 1st, 2013 at 11:46 pm [Reply]

    H&L- Actually funny.

    SF – Ted, you are such an idiot. That is all.

  215. Alfred E. Neuman
    July 1st, 2013 at 11:46 pm [Reply]

    @Artist formerly known as Ben (#195) said: “@Alfred E. Neuman (#177): Those damned plummeting crime statistics bone them again.”

    Yeah, New York is getting way too safe and nice. If Les Moore went back there, no one would mug him or beat him up and he wouldn’t even feel like sitting on a park bench crying in the rain. Without all that meanness, he’d be miserable.

  216. walt d.
    July 2nd, 2013 at 12:17 am [Reply]

    @Der Schnärkïnätör mit Ümläütën! (#209): Please note that I didn’t say anything about actually receiving raises and promotions. In my long-term job I’ve received one promotion, and to progress any further I’d have to go into management, which ain’t gonna happen. We normally have cost of living raises, but hourly employees simply don’t get performance raises. So I proposed an ideal, an ideal which should properly apply to a salaried employee in the private sector such as Dilbert.
    It’s funny because I remember working at a (nonunion) warehouse forty years ago. Raises were ten cents, and you had to ask for them. The Christmas bonus was $10. It seemed so little, yet a dime amounted to about a 5 percent raise. How many people are getting that kind of raise nowadays? And how many people get Christmas bonuses for that matter? That’s the only job in which I ever got one. My motivation (beyond honestly appreciating having a job to begin with) is pride in the quality of my work, not pats on the back from management. I could never be a Wally.

  217. tallyHO
    July 2nd, 2013 at 12:42 am [Reply]


    Twas the night before tomorrow and all through the streets,
    Heathcliff and posse danced with maniac paws mimicking feets.

  218. tallyHO
    July 2nd, 2013 at 12:47 am [Reply]

    Jumpin Jiminy Geodesic Dome!

    Slylock and Max got in a bunch yesterday, didn’t they?

    Giant snakes will eat both of you. Two giant snakes would do it with aplomb. One will do it to you like a nutcracker to a plumb.

    Pins and needles, on the edge of my seat. What will The Great Detective Do? Watch Max go down in one gulp?

  219. Alden
    July 2nd, 2013 at 5:11 am [Reply]

    Pretty sure the tear ducts aren’t located on the corner of your eye, so that *must* be sweat.

  220. John C Fremont
    July 2nd, 2013 at 5:18 am [Reply]

    I, too, rejoiced at the Garbage Ape’s approach!

    (Ye gods! I’m enjoying Heathcliff.)

    ASM – I’d hold out for the Hamjet. Or at least the Hammercycle.

    (Is it possible to have seen Dr. Horrible too many times?)


  221. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    July 2nd, 2013 at 6:07 am [Reply]

    RMMD – The longer they drag out this storyline, the more annoying the trophy wife/nanny/day care teacher’s simpering praise of Sawah becomes – all spoken with a hushed reverence and awe.

    “Oh, Mrs. Morgan, the museum curator was literally putty in Sarah’s hands! She creates a new masterpiece in under half an hour, longer if she forgets to draw four legs on the horsie and has to go back to fix it. Did you realize that her bowel movements smell like a delicate bouquet of tuilips? Today, when she demanded ice cream for breakfast, I’d swear it was the voice of the Savior himself, come down for a bowl of chocolate!!! And as she gobbled it out of the carton using her fingers, I just couldn’t help but stare, and think, ‘Those are the stubby, sticky fingers of a child whose intellect puts the rest of humanity to shame!’. Why, I nearly fainted from the magic of it all!”

  222. Plag
    July 2nd, 2013 at 9:00 am [Reply]

    MT: Um … I’m not a hunter, but isn’t deer season usually in autumn?

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