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All you need is love a restraining order

Man, a guy goes away for a few days, and some pretty twisted romance goes down in the funny pages. Let’s check in with the weekend’s high points!

First, Sunday’s Mary Worth will go down in infamy as the Day The Stalking Started. We need to begin by taking a look at this panel:

The fact that Mary doesn’t want to spend time with creepy sublettor Aldo Kelrast needs no explanation, but why does she feel that the best way to reject him is to babble on like a minor character in a Jane Austen novel? She seems to be taking the line that if she’s seen spending time along with a man 15 years her junior while her not-actually-her-boyfriend is out of the country, she’ll be branded as a whore. Which may seem ludicrous to those of here on planet Earth, but check out the two old biddies in the left half of this panel, clearly in mid-gossip. Already the tales of Mary’s trampish sluttery — talking to a strange man with her arms and shoulders exposed! — are no doubt spreading throughout the hallways of Santa Royale’s most exclusive mid-range child-free condo complex.

Meanwhile, Aldo forgets that the first rule of stalking club is: don’t talk about stalking club.

This panel has actually solved a little dilemma for me. Since Aldo first came on the scene, I’ve imagined his voice to be effete and quasi-British, like Dr. Smith in Lost In Space. Mrs. C. feels that instead it should be high-pitched and nasal — the classic movie nerd voice. Now, however, it’s clear that he talks like George Zimmer, the guy who does all those damn Men’s Wearhouse commercials.

Speaking of classic movie nerd voices, this weekend Raju got a little pep talk from Abbey:

Yeah, Raju, go for it! Go for it! And say, who’s lounging cartoonishly sexily in the next room?

Let the daughter pimping begin!

Meanwhile, in Lost Forest, Mark Trail is expressing his forbidden love for Kelly Welly the only way he can: by tackling her.

Despite the fact that even casual readers of this strip know that this is Kelly, Mark’s been referring to her as “he” and “him” for days now, presumably as another part of the sublimation process.

And speaking of forbidden love, “Dr.” “Troy”‘s head exploded.

He’s also, to the surprise of no one, not a real doctor. I keep waiting for Rex to laugh and say, “Join the club, Troy, join the club.”

45 responses to “All you need is love a restraining order”

  1. Marc
    July 18th, 2006 at 7:30 pm [Reply]

    Well, all I have to say is that I can’t wait for Mary to get a restraining order and break into a fit a la Jane Hand.

  2. Chet McCord, Wildlife Defender
    July 18th, 2006 at 7:37 pm [Reply]

    Mary Worth’s concern over being labelled as a whore is a day late and a dollar short. It’s commonly assumed that she’s been passed around among Dr. Jeff, the Professor and “Wendy” for years.

  3. Meander
    July 18th, 2006 at 7:40 pm [Reply]

    Mary’s not a whore. Whores are service persons and work for a living.

    Mary’s a slut.

  4. fuzzmaster
    July 18th, 2006 at 7:41 pm [Reply]

    Perhaps someone else noticed this in an earlier comment but … isn’t Aldo a dead ringer for Capt. Kangaroo? Which gives his voice a whole other quality.

    Watch out for what he’s got in those pockets, Mary!

  5. Virginia
    July 18th, 2006 at 7:49 pm [Reply]

    Mary should live in Jim and Iris’s community in FBOFW. In his monthly letters, Jim’s been updating everyone on the big sex scandal there-including pilferred dentures!

    Mary’s bare arms and busybody tendencies would hardly phase anyone in the Milbourough oldster’s community, it appears.

  6. Justin
    July 18th, 2006 at 7:54 pm [Reply]

    Why was I so excited to see a new post on this blog?

    Damn you, Mr. C! And damn you, Mary Worth, whose wiles I had resisted for a solid 31 years!

  7. ohgrl
    July 18th, 2006 at 7:58 pm [Reply]

    Hope you had a great b-day trip, Josh. Glad you’re back; it was getting crowded (and a wee bit feral) next door in the metapost.

    MW: Those 2 gossiping biddies don’t cast any shadows–are they daytime vampires a la Blade?

  8. Mooncity
    July 18th, 2006 at 8:04 pm [Reply]

    I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again… ain’t it nice to see Aunt Bee from “Andy Griffith” cameo in MW?

  9. Scumbaggioni
    July 18th, 2006 at 8:24 pm [Reply]

    #4: Yes. He is also known in these parts as “Captain Stalkeroo.”

    #8: Gahahahahahahaha! That’s just wrong. (Also, to capture Andy’s charming pronunciation, it should always be spelled “Aint Bee.”)

    JP: Yes, Raju! You haven’t tried hard enough! You haven’t spent hours each day in a gym! You haven’t had cosmetic and dental surgery! You don’t study fashion trends! You just be yourself. …You selfish bastard.

  10. Beasley
    July 18th, 2006 at 8:45 pm [Reply]

    You’re back! So….how was the trip?

  11. jailbird
    July 18th, 2006 at 8:47 pm [Reply]

    In all actuality, I’m just a little surprised that Mary doesn’t fall for Aldo’s natural good looks. With those big baby blues, the molester-stache, and hair by the Bill Gates Bowl-Cut Haircutting System, it’s only obvious she’s fighting back those urges to take him in her pasty white arms and embrace him passionately.

  12. Dingo
    July 18th, 2006 at 9:12 pm [Reply]

    jailbird, after tasting the sweet pangs of love from Dr. Jeff on his boat ala Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee, I highly doubt that Mar’ would shake her shimmy for a no-account like Aldo. He’d have better luck with Iris from FBoFW.

    As for the two ol’ biddies, I think it’s an in joke. We have Celeste Holme from her role in Tom Sawyer being “fingered” (thank you, Margo) by none other than Mama Celeste from the pizza box. Celeste + Celeste + Mary and the Pest.

    If only the Bush administration worked as fluidly and logically as a Mary Worth panel.

  13. Sheila
    July 18th, 2006 at 9:21 pm [Reply]

    So this explains Dr. Tony’s bogus diagnosis of Widdle Sarah, does it? He was quoting from the crib notes on his cuff? Good thing Rex & June smelled a rat! All that malingering toddler needs is Ice Cream…

  14. Cornwhacker
    July 18th, 2006 at 9:48 pm [Reply]

    George Zimmer? I was hearing Justin Wilson, the Cajun Chef.

    As for the Neddy-pimping, don’t forget her boyfriend stayed over just last night*. They probably haven’t changed the sheets for Raju yet.

    *Seriously, I just double checked the archives. This one day in JP-land began way back in March. All the female characters changed into summer clothes right around mid-afternoon, but they can’t fool me…

  15. Meander
    July 18th, 2006 at 10:25 pm [Reply]

    I thought that Abbey was macking on Raju last week!

  16. jailbird
    July 18th, 2006 at 10:42 pm [Reply]

    #12 – So true, Dingo. I was thinking that a woman in her prime like Mary would have a hard time with celibacy for three (maybe more) months without Dr. Jeff. But Aldo is so incredibly freaky, she will have to find a more suitable battery-powered way to release her frustrations.

  17. Dingo
    July 18th, 2006 at 10:56 pm [Reply]

    #16 Mary seems a practical lot. I imagine her snarking her backside up against the washing machine during the spin cycle, preferably with a pair of sneakers in it, while muttering, “Oh, Jeff. Yes, Jeff. Steer portside you landlubbing medicine man!”

  18. Badly_Computer_Animated_Boy
    July 18th, 2006 at 10:57 pm [Reply]

    Raju, don’t you change a thing. Andy Sipowicz rocked the short sleeve and shirt tie look for years and couldn’t NOT have a girlfriend.

  19. Badly_Computer_Animated_Boy
    July 18th, 2006 at 10:58 pm [Reply]

    Raju, don’t you change a thing. Andy Sipowicz rocked the short-sleeve-shirt-with-tie look for years and couldn’t NOT have a girlfriend.

  20. Mic
    July 18th, 2006 at 11:39 pm [Reply]

    “You’re gonna like the way I hang around all the time even though you tell me to leave you alone, but I know that eventually you’ll see things my way and we’ll be together forever. I guarantee it.”

  21. skulking on the outskirts
    July 19th, 2006 at 12:59 am [Reply]

    To think I’ve gotten along all these years just fine
    without Mary Worth in my life-now I’ll be lying awake nights staring wide-eyed at the ceiling wondering anxiously if poor dear Mary is going to escape the clutches of Stalkeraldo! Life will never,
    never, never be the same…….goddammit!!

  22. Morgan
    July 19th, 2006 at 1:44 am [Reply]

    Doesn’t the neighbor lady on the right in MW look as if she’s announcing a new product (maybe a cake mix?) or placing an order, rather than exchanging gossip? She’s not even looking at her friend. Also, why do they both have black lipstick? Maybe they’re goths. In which case they’re unlikely to waste their time gossiping about Mary’s romances.

  23. Abbey’s love slave
    July 19th, 2006 at 2:05 am [Reply]

    Oh, Abbey, pick me! I want it PLENTY, mistress.

    She really is a dirty, dirty whore, isn’t she?

  24. Krazy Kat
    July 19th, 2006 at 7:48 am [Reply]

    For my part, I read Aldo’s voice like Sgt. Shultz in “Hogan Heroes”

  25. big_old_geek
    July 19th, 2006 at 8:48 am [Reply]

    I know who Aldo really is! Look at that haircut. Check out that mustache. He’s a young Bob Keeshan, aka “Captain Kangaroo”!

  26. moe99
    July 19th, 2006 at 9:07 am [Reply]

    What are the odds on the faux Dr. taking the hit and actually dying in RMMD?

  27. johnw
    July 19th, 2006 at 9:08 am [Reply]

    I saw Bob Keeshan right away… so I’m imagining Captain Kangaroo stalking Mary Worth, which is wrong on so many levels. (Now, Mr. Green Jeans… he’s capable of anything.)

    And whenever I see Abbey and Raju together, I hear the song “Stacey’s Mom” in my head.

  28. tefflan
    July 19th, 2006 at 10:42 am [Reply]

    Abbey: “You don’t want IT bad enough! And by “it,” I mean a big, nasty piece of poontang! Raju, you need to get out of here and move to southeast Tennessee! They’ll be all over you like stink on shit! As long as you don’t care what they look like or how nasty they are, they won’t even mention all the duck butter you’ve built up since you left Bangladesh! And that cool tie you made out of the kitchen curtains will most certainly attract them like a stupid punchline to a ‘Crock’ comic!”

    Raju: “I truly and most sincerely hope that Load Stalker at least gets a reacharound from Ram Worthy…”

  29. Dark Star
    July 19th, 2006 at 11:44 am [Reply]

    #3 As some comedian once noted “The difference between a whore and a slut is that a whore will fuck anyone and a slut will fuck anyone except you.”

  30. Dark Star
    July 19th, 2006 at 11:47 am [Reply]

    Is it me or does the daughter in RMMD looks like she has a “gunt.”

  31. Albatross
    July 19th, 2006 at 12:04 pm [Reply]

    Aldo Kelrast needs to take advice from former University of Minnesota professor Richard Pervo: do not succumb to the temptation of name-related crime! If your name is a transparent anagram of “Stalker,” commit fraud! But don’t STALK anybody!

    Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to illegally direct the music for Name That Tune.

  32. Dingo
    July 19th, 2006 at 12:13 pm [Reply]

    Re: #28

    Tefflan, if I ever succumb to creating a comic strip, I think I’ll name it Duck Butter. You amazingly made me cringe and shriek like a 12-year-old Catholic girl in the first blush of love simultaneously.

    Oh, and Josh, could we please have a moratorium on “Hey! That stalker looks like Bob Keeshan!” comments?

    Fran Lebowitz: Original thought is like original sin: both happened before you were born to people you could not have possibly met.

  33. Paul
    July 19th, 2006 at 1:23 pm [Reply]

    First time poster here…

    Is it just me, or does the one woman passing by in MW look like a victim of the Joker’s with a ghastly grin stuck on her face? Maybe it’s the goth lipstick…

  34. mere cog in the machine
    July 19th, 2006 at 2:51 pm [Reply]

    I see that in today’s Gil Thorpe Marty Moon speaks of someone who, in a golf competition, will “fold like origami”. Is this a Thorpeism or is it an actual, existing expression?

  35. ScottR.
    July 19th, 2006 at 3:12 pm [Reply]

    I’ve been following Mary Worth since that creepy stalker appeared in the strip and its probably one of the most bizarre things I’ve come across. My paper doesn’t carry MW, so lately I’ve been trying to familiarize myself with the strip and its milieu. Love your website.

  36. velouria73
    July 19th, 2006 at 3:16 pm [Reply]

    #34, i’ve never heard the expression “fold like origami”, but i fully intend to start using it immediately.

    raju’s griping about how he’s never had a girlfriend and he’s almost 20? please. i can beat that easily, and i’d like to think i’m not as geeky either.

  37. ltrftposter
    July 19th, 2006 at 8:53 pm [Reply]

    The stalker reminds me of a grown up Adam Rich.

  38. Mibbitmaker
    July 19th, 2006 at 8:57 pm [Reply]

    #28: I think “duck butter” is something you spread on Mallard Filmore while he spreads something else.

    I can’t believe I just typed “duck butter”[/Jerry Seinfeld]

    Post, itself: And here I was thinking that “You’re gonna like the way you look” guy was just a local thing.

  39. Other_Sally
    July 19th, 2006 at 9:10 pm [Reply]

    MW: I’m really, uh, taken aback that Mary seems honestly flattered by McCreepy here. (She relates to Toby again how flattered she was by attention in today’s comic, and has a dreamy look in her eyes.) All her meddling, all her jumping to conclusions about other people–(that young man uses slang! He must be evil! That other young man has long hair! He’s a criminal!)–and when an honest-to-goodness creepy molesterado shows up, she’s flattered?

    JP: No, no, Josh. You had a good thing going last week when you said Abbey was making the moves on Raju. Why didn’t you include the panel of her raking him over with her eyes where she said, “There’s nothing wrong with your looks, Raju”?

  40. Scumbaggioni
    July 20th, 2006 at 3:13 am [Reply]

    #32: Go for it, but remember: I have Butt Ducker copyrighted.

  41. ScottR.
    July 20th, 2006 at 10:08 am [Reply]

    Has anyone thought that Aldo may have been responsible for his wife’s death? Either he murdered her or she realized who she was married to and killed herself.

  42. Boschka
    July 20th, 2006 at 5:29 pm [Reply]

    OMG…George Zimmer ??? Well it could be worse .If you live in Houston , you may have thought..” Marvin Zindler..The early years. ”

    Yup that’s our MW..passive-agressive to a fault.

  43. Boschka
    July 20th, 2006 at 5:31 pm [Reply]

    That’s our Mary Worth ..more action than the Golden Girls .

    Capt. Kangaroo..ROTF .

  44. moe99
    July 21st, 2006 at 1:16 am [Reply]

    Scott R you appear to be right on the money based on today’s Mary Worth. Her younger friend is practically falling out of her chair with news of the tragic death of Aldo’s first wife…..

    And now, Rex Morgan is going to watch the fake dr. get shot.

  45. ginevra
    July 25th, 2006 at 11:33 am [Reply]

    Santa Royale is a great name for a condo, except for the part where it sounds like a French cheeseburger made of Saint Nick.

    “Hey Jules, you know what they call a Santaburger in Paris?”

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