The Comics Curmudgeon

56 responses to “NEXT: Do you have adequate term life coverage!?”

1. Hap Hapless
   December 18th, 2006 at 10:00 pm [Reply]

   And I bet those jeans the pluggers wear are already worn out when they buy em! Oh yeah! This might be my first first.

2. kingkong
   December 18th, 2006 at 10:06 pm [Reply]

   Next: There Be Beavers!

3. Uncle Lumpy
   December 18th, 2006 at 10:06 pm [Reply]

   On the night before Christmas a desperate Santa
   Was pacing his workshop and swilling Mylanta® -
   His elves had been shipped to Bangalla as slaves,
   And the reindeer hung gutted in Jake and Snake’s cave.

   Mrs. Claus had been mixing Welbutrin® with booze,
   And gone shopping with Cathy for undersized shoes.
   “It’s pathetic”, cried Santa, with quivering lip
   “Like I’m stuck in some damn Funky Winkerbean strip.”

   Alone and disconsolate, Santa despaired,
   “Is there no way this Christmas can ever be spared?”
   He sobbed in the darkness, then heard a faint “pifffft”
   As the newspaper landed outside in a drift.

   “What the hell” muttered Santa, “These problems are chronic -
   “I may as well cheer myself up with the comics.”
   But before he could read Mallard Fillmore and rage
   All the comic-strip characters jumped off the page!

   “Let us help!” cried Dick Tracy, and Raju agreed:
   “We are here for you, Santa, in your hour of need!”
   Archie, Sam Driver, Loweezy and Zero,
   Dagwood, Greg Wilkins, and Devil and Hero,

   Margo, Luann, Sally Forth, Andy Fox,
   In her nightie, Ms. Abigail Spencer (she rocks)!
   Popeye and Spider-Man! Rex and his Troy!
   Uncle Sid, Hagar, that Round-Headed Boy!

   The crew from B.C. (who are batshit insane),
   And the limber agnathics of 9 Chickweed Lane
   In a flash were all running conveyors and lifts
   Manufacturing manifold comical gifts.

   There were horsies and dollies and video games –
   Enough for his Good List with millions of names.
   Then they wrapped them securely in bright green and red
   And heaped them up high on the back of his sled.

   “Many thanks for your help – now I’ll be on my way
   “With these comic-strip animals pulling the sleigh!
   “On Sherman, on Garfield, on Ginormous Frog -
   “On Marmaduke (my, isn’t he a big dog)!

   “On Slylock, on Lucky and Bucky and Ruff
   “Pull it out to the skyway and show me your stuff!”
   And ahead of them all, with her fur nicely curled
   Danced Magnificent Molly, Best Bear in the World!

   “All those comic-strip heroes have sure saved the day –
   “But that’s a debt Santa knows how to repay!
   “So before we treat tots from New York to Amman,
   “Let’s head down to Houston and stop at the Chron.”

   “I’ve got cocaine for Margo – LuAnn gets a Clue,
   “And for boat-wrestlin’ Bobby, a brand-new canoe!
   “And to give good ol’ Tommie some special delights,
   Something nice from Hitachi to warm up her nights!”

   “Marty Moon gets a liter of Thunderbird® wine
   “To the crocs I cast zebras like Pearls before Swine.
   “Spaghetti, tomato sauce, basil and thyme
   “For that recipe Pluggers will Do Every Time!”

   “Some alcohol lamps and a nice Pyrex® beaker
   “For Eightball and Elvis and Tommy the Tweaker –
   “A ball-gag and shackles for Granthony’s lair,
   “And prosthetic cojones for Patterson père.”

   “And lest we forget, here’s a holiday salvo
   “Of Christmas rememb’rance for Patron Saint Aldo -
   “You turned the whole Curmudgeon world on its head
   “And we cannot believe that you want to be dead.”

   (We will never forgive Mary’s Meddlin’ Cartel
   For the way they bid Aldo a callous farewell.
   So to Wilbur and Toeby and Mary and Ian –
   Here’s hoping those casseroles make you turn greein!)

   “A six-pack of Pabst® and a bucket of popcorn
   “For Hagar, Ed Crankshaft and sad Leroy Lockhorn.”
   (Along with Walt Wallet, not one is a baby,
   They are nearing the end: do you think that they may be

   Rewarded in Heaven for excellent jobs,
   With Pogo, The Far Side, and Calvin and Hobbes –
   Or consigned to the nethermost Circle of Hell,
   Down with Billy, Jeff, Dolly, Bil, P.J. and Thel?)

   “And for all of the Curmudgeon posters I’ve got
   “A whole sackful of gifts that I hope hit the spot -
   “For Harold, Red Greenback, and Old Fogeyette
   “Some bottles of Johnny’s best – cold, strong and wet!”

   “For Dingo, a Fleshlight® (it’s not safe for work!)
   “And some catnip to drive yellojkt berserk!
   “Dramashoes, Jennifer, this Bud®’s for you,
   “But please leave one for MonkeyHawk when you are through.”

   “SmartPeopleOnIce, hogenmogen, ohyes
   “All get FQM T-shirts (So thanks, Cafépress!).
   “For AppleGirl, apples (they’re fit for a Queen!),
   “Here’s a fresh crop of moles for Gadge Cubic to preen!”

   “For Islamorada Girl, down on the Shore,
   “Have some tofu croquettes — for cheech wizard, some more!
   “And because Santa knows just what gift is the best, he’s
   “Brought dipilatory for H. Paratestes!”

   “For Poteet, this community’s constant companion,
   “An autographed portrait of Stevie B. Canyon!
   “Von Zeppelin, MossMoses, Mr. O’Malley
   “There are casseroles waiting for you in the galley!”

   “For Citizen, meth! – but do not be Concerned,
   “It’s a gift you and Mr. Delgado have earned!
   “And there’s something else hiding ‘way down in my sack -
   “It’s Paxil® for Angry Black Woman (come back!).”

   “I have brought miscellaneous gift cards and toasters
   “For shy long-time lurkers and brave first-time posters.
   “And scraping the bottom (because he’s been grumpy),
   “A big lump of anthracite – here, Uncle Lumpy!”

   “And for everyone else in the Curmudgeon clan
   (including those posters whose screen names won’t scan)
   “Christmas wishes from Santa, who won’t be outdone
   “In his praise for your fine metanarrative fun!”

   “But I’ve got to move on, ‘cause I simply can’t rest
   “‘Til I’ve given a present to Baltimore’s best!”
   And in less than a twinkle that old sleigh was flyin’
   Over harbor, aquarium, Domino® sign.

   Molly and team took a sweeping dihedral
   Straight to the dome of the Comics Cathedral
   Down the flue to the heart of the Fruhlinger home
   With its throne to embarrass the Bishop of Rome.

   The jewels! The murals! The miter and crozier!
   The Shoes of the Fisherman! Pails of ambrosia!
   Foie gras-laden groaning board! Hogsheads of mead!
   What gift could this pontiff conceivably need?

   As Amber and Josh slumbered sweetly nearby,
   Santa set down his present and said with a sigh,
   “It’s just what he wants, but demands explanation:
   “Just why does this guy need another vacation?”

   “But here’s to the man whose pronouncements deliver
   “A wellspring of snark, and the source of a river
   “Of joy for his readers, who have every reason
   “To hit Josh’s tip jar this holiday season!”

   And here’s to the rest of us! We never quit
   To castigate comics with withering wit
   And post through the night in a state of high dudgeon,
   Merry Christmas to all at The Comics Curmudgeon!

4. Red Greenback
   December 18th, 2006 at 10:11 pm [Reply]

   As I understand, in the gay lexicon, a red scarf represents something that I have blocked from my memory, I do know a yellow scarf represents “piss-slave”. Don’t know why I retained that tidbit?

5. Dicky
   December 18th, 2006 at 10:16 pm [Reply]

   Depending on what kind of rhetoric he gives his flock, they might just say that it’s a test of both themselves and their reverend. I mean that’s what happened in those recent church sex scandals that are like to what you’re referring.
   If it’s going to end up in a comic strip, I’d rather see him try to enact change in his congregation by coming out in a healthy and self-actualizing manner and instructing them that their faith is reconcilable with humanity.
   It is a comic strip after all… carrier of hopes and dreams~~

6. Burton
   December 18th, 2006 at 10:16 pm [Reply]

   Heh, maybe it’s the 18 hours I just spent studying for my Insurance Law exam, but I got quite a kick out of “The Phantom” as well. I can only hope Wednesday’s strip deals with the concept of contra preferentum.

7. Mrs. C
   December 18th, 2006 at 10:17 pm [Reply]

   Wow, Uncle Lumpy, you’ve really outdone yourself! This is beautiful!

8. Irion
   December 18th, 2006 at 10:18 pm [Reply]

   When I read “Pluggers” I get patriotic as well:

   -Red blood-shot eyes
   -Blue throbbing veins on my temples
   -White knuckled grip of anger on the comic page

   It’s probably unhealthy that a comic makes me that angry but I can’t be the only one that feels like that.

9. Rhekarid
   December 18th, 2006 at 10:18 pm [Reply]

   Of course, since Pluggers are also dog-men, they’re presumably colorblind and see their patriotic dress in black and white much like, well, WE see the strip. Proudly wear your brown, orange, and rolled-in mystery roadkill-colored outfits, Pluggers. We won’t tell.

   At first I didn’t see the dog, and I thought the president was loudly growling at his opponent.

10. True Fable
    December 18th, 2006 at 10:21 pm [Reply]

    I humble bow to the power and majesty that is Uncle Lumpy’s poetry.

11. gg83
    December 18th, 2006 at 10:22 pm [Reply]

    Quick question for Josh: Are the “catchy” and “ludicrously overwrought” links supposed to go the same site?

12. Red Greenback
    December 18th, 2006 at 10:23 pm [Reply]

    Uncle Lumpy, I am humbled in your magnificent aura-We all orbit around your gravity (comedy) of profundity (genuflect, genuflect, genuflect)

13. Dicky
    December 18th, 2006 at 10:24 pm [Reply]

    4: I’m not so up on my hanky code (too young), but from what’s on the internet, it seems to impart being the “active” party while using a fist.
    That looks more paisley to me though, and I have no idea if that was even part of the code when it was created…

14. Cassie
    December 18th, 2006 at 10:24 pm [Reply]

    4- Yep, and the pocket it’s in also reflects whether you are a top or bottom.
    http://www.gaycityusa.com/hankycodes.htm (Site probably NSFW)

15. Rusty
    December 18th, 2006 at 10:28 pm [Reply]

    Pluggers are now so hideously obese that they have difficulty wiping their arses. Assuming that they are indeed, human-like dogs and wipe instead of just grooming themselves with their tongues.

    Sorry, but that’s the fattest Plugger ever, even bigger than Rhino man.

16. jvwalt
    December 18th, 2006 at 10:29 pm [Reply]

    I am befuddled by the Phantom in civvies: the dark glasses, turned-down hat, and that deadly white skin. Is this how he travels among the good people of Luanda in everyday life? Can one imagine him, say, buying a morning paper, getting a double-shot cappucino at Starbucks, or taking his dog to the vet?

17. Red Greenback
    December 18th, 2006 at 10:29 pm [Reply]

    …And to all great “Holiday” food, and to all a “Lucky” New Year

18. comicsn00b
    December 18th, 2006 at 10:30 pm [Reply]

    Pluggers scared me today. A vison from the auto garage of Dr. Moreau. That matronly looking redneck dogman intends you no good, missy!

19. Josh
    December 18th, 2006 at 10:31 pm [Reply]

    gg83 — er, I have no idea now where that second link was supposed to go, so I nixed it. Thanks for pointing it out.

    Josh

20. True Fable
    December 18th, 2006 at 10:32 pm [Reply]

    Is the furniture insured?

    Are Jeffy Keane’s pants always brown for a reason?

    Is Margo high again, or did she just get laid?

    Is Mary Jane Parker tired of being married to a publicly known wimp?

    Is the van still rocking?

    Was Aldo insured?

    Do you own an annuity?

21. Burton
    December 18th, 2006 at 10:32 pm [Reply]

    So, the true patriot, depending on the pocket arrangement, is either a fist-f**king cop who beats his meat or a copsucking fist-f**kee with busy hands. Just like James Madison and Ben Franklin.

22. MonkeyHawk
    December 18th, 2006 at 10:32 pm [Reply]

    Tip o’ the Hat to the CCC’s poet laureate, Uncle Lumpy!

23. Juniper
    December 18th, 2006 at 10:42 pm [Reply]

    I have to delurk just to give Uncle Lumpy major, major plaudits for the prosodic perfection of his poetry. Most people don’t make “Night Before Christmas” parodies scan. It makes all the difference in the world.

24. King Folderol
    December 18th, 2006 at 10:45 pm [Reply]

    Uncle Lumpy, you rock!

    At the rate things are going for the church, a bagload of meth and a trunkload of prostitutes is going to get the Rev nothing more than a slap on the wrist from his least attractive altar boy.

25. WAK
    December 18th, 2006 at 10:46 pm [Reply]

    Wonderful job Uncle Lumpy, absolutely wonderful.

    And now, to snark!

    I’m very impressed by the quiet dignity of the sound effects in todays Phantom. No creatvity, for them, no THWAKOWBANGs or FWEERTOPs, just a WHACK and a THWAK in tasteful and moderately sized print, perfectly aligned with the rest of the panel. Its totally appropriate for bureacrat violence. Or possibly Spiderman.

26. Red Greenback
    December 18th, 2006 at 10:46 pm [Reply]

    #13, #14 -O…K….Fister or Fistee, Oh, yeah, uh, thanks? I can die a very peaceful death now.

27. Canard
    December 18th, 2006 at 10:49 pm [Reply]

    Dag, yo. I was going to be all witty and stuff, but after Uncle Lumpy’s tour de force, that bird has flown. Excellent work, sir.

28. Artist Formerly Known as Ben
    December 18th, 2006 at 10:54 pm [Reply]

    I loved Uncle Lumpy’s poem as well, but what are “agnathics?”

29. WAK
    December 18th, 2006 at 11:01 pm [Reply]

    28: I initially assumed he meant “agnostics”…but now I’ve decided he meant “agnaths”. Then again I don’t read 9 Chickweed Lane, in order to have more time to spend savoring the idiocy of Mallard Fillmore.

    However if 9 Chickweed IS actually about lampreys, I am totally there! Mark Trail crossover potential alert!

30. GG
    December 18th, 2006 at 11:06 pm [Reply]

    The Phantom is the only strip willing to consider post-action hiring problems. First the minions need resumes, now this guy gets a bad reference. If I were being beat up by the president of my country, the first thing I’d worry about is job references.

31. Josh
    December 18th, 2006 at 11:06 pm [Reply]

    #29 — I’m pretty sure he meant agnaths, as in the jawless lamprey, since the supposedly gorgeous women of 9CL seem uniformly chinless.

    Josh

32. Harold
    December 18th, 2006 at 11:16 pm [Reply]

    Unle Lumpy, I bow to you. And the honor of being the first commentor named in your poem is so great that it drives any COTW-envy from my soul. Also, I think I blew some blood vessels in my eyes laughing. Yet another example of why this site is definitely NSFW – my screams of laughter can easily be interpreted as the sound of a mind snapping.

    I am wondering how long the Luaga-Denton battle will go on. Please, let it be at least a week. And please, please let it spill over into the other comics! Angry Ted takes a swing at Ella and instead lands one in Professor Chinbeard’s nuts! April and Lizardbreath get into a blouse-ripping catfight while wrapping presents! Cathy slices off Irving’s unimpressive manhood and tosses it out of a moving car! B.D.’s group therapy dissolves into chaos! Frank smacks Ernest in some grammatically ironic manner! Please, let’s have a comics page brawl for Christmas!

33. Mibbitmaker
    December 18th, 2006 at 11:18 pm [Reply]

    Jeez, one weekend I don’t get on the net, and I miss a place in Uncle Lumpy’s masterpiece?! GAH!

    I’d imagine something like this (only doubtlessly better) crammed in there somewhere:

    And for Mibbitmaker, who’s surely on par:
    Urge to make some more mibbits (whatever they are).

    (Even with the punchline in mind, these are hard to do! Btw, it basically means I haven’t been drawing much lately)

    I also thought of another bit:
    And so, this sleigh party made great Santa’s mood
    At least ’til some drunk duck critiquing the food

    Josh, the aforementioned masterpiece (though clearly not mine) deserves its own metapost! Outdone himself, indeed.

34. Red Greenback
    December 18th, 2006 at 11:27 pm [Reply]

    O.K. One last scarf thing; Carly Simon’s “You’re so Vain” -”your scarf was apricot”…That meant Mick was a “chubby chaser?”…huh? HUH?

35. Harold
    December 18th, 2006 at 11:39 pm [Reply]

    …and the Google Ads are coming up for Life Insurance! Excellent!

36. Luprand
    December 19th, 2006 at 12:03 am [Reply]

    Yay, a gift card! Thanks, Uncle Lumpy!

37. Gadge Cubic, Mole Preener
    December 19th, 2006 at 12:07 am [Reply]

    Re “agnathics”: from http://medical-dictionary.thefreedictionary.com/agnathia:

    ag·na·thi·a (g-nth-)
    n.
    Congenital absence or partial absence of the lower jaw.

    Quite apt – as is every syllable of Uncle Lumpy’s wunnerful poem.

38. Lil' Nemo
    December 19th, 2006 at 12:08 am [Reply]

    I note a few law students lurking and posting on this blog. Anyone up for assisting in an analysis of the constitution and laws of Bangalla? [ http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bangalla ] Can you imagine the horrors of a country where the democratically elected president can just suspend certain laws whenever he chooses and kick the shit out of some poor citizen?

39. Artist Formerly Known as Ben
    December 19th, 2006 at 12:34 am [Reply]

    Thanks to those of you who cleared up my agnathic issues. It is apt. Brooke McEldowney is obviously a big leg man, so I guess he doesn’t have much time for jaws.

40. Mike P
    December 19th, 2006 at 12:40 am [Reply]

    NEXT: The Pluggers Plug a 7-11 Cashier!

41. Canaduck
    December 19th, 2006 at 1:15 am [Reply]

    Holy crap, Uncle Lumpy, that was AMAZING.

42. saint ruby
    December 19th, 2006 at 1:25 am [Reply]

    Nononono, he can’t be a blood. As Snoop Dogg told us:
    “I keep a blue flag hanging out the backside, but only on the left side, yeah, that’s the crip side. ” The bandana is clearly on his left side. So, evidentially, the gang affiliation of Pluggers remains ambiguous.

    Although, if Snoop Dogg is your brother’s name, you’re probably a Plugger. Or are Pluggers bears or something? I can’t tell.

    Wouldn’t it be interesting if, say, there were a Mark Trail/Plugger mashup where Molly married a Plugger and they lived in Lost Forest?

43. yggdrasil
    December 19th, 2006 at 1:35 am [Reply]

    I have seen Bloods hanging their flags out the left side, if only to reject the Crips’ claim to that hemisphere of their butt.

    Boatload-of-Meth Wrestling squad- Jamaal/ Gil Thorpe/ Rex Morgan B.A. synergy?

44. Donald The Anarchist
    December 19th, 2006 at 2:05 am [Reply]

    Patriotic Plugger, My Ass!! Oh shit wait, I didn’t mean MY ass! Ouch!! Stop! Goddammit!!

    I guess Pluggers don’t understand the meaning of ‘informed consent’. Or ’safety word’ for that matter.

45. AppleGirl
    December 19th, 2006 at 4:02 am [Reply]

    Uncle Lumpy, your poem is so fantastic, I read it twice! Your poem makes this Christmas the merriest one since the year I got the Creepy Crawler Thingmaker® set by Mattel.®

46. Eric G
    December 19th, 2006 at 7:55 am [Reply]

    I know that’s Devil going “GRRRR,” but for one glorious moment I thought it was President Luaga.

47. Frank Drackman
    December 19th, 2006 at 9:53 am [Reply]

    Wow, the White guy laid quite a punch on ole president Mugabe there.. That fight could use some Mad Magazine style sound effects however.

48. Joe
    December 19th, 2006 at 10:03 am [Reply]

    A Plugger didn’t watch his best friend die in the muck in Nam so some pansy-ass comic strip could call his patriotism into question.

49. Mountain Mama
    December 19th, 2006 at 11:23 am [Reply]

    Uncle Lumpy, your masterwork almost brought tears to my eyes. Funny, sweet and eloquent all at the same time.

    Happy holidays to all!!

50. SmartPeopleOnIce
    December 19th, 2006 at 11:25 am [Reply]

    Re: Plugger Bloods? Yah, Junction City, OR sounds like some mean turf…

    And I think the Phantom “next” box would be more awesomer if it read:

    Next: You’re lucky my chick’s here!

51. Syd
    December 19th, 2006 at 11:41 am [Reply]

    Ah. THere’s a dog. That makes more sense. I thought the blond guy (who’s name is Denton? Not Arther Dent’s brother, though.. though both D-men are getting a thrashing) was actually *enjoying* getting slugged – The GRRR seems to be coming from his crotch.
    Mix that with the fisting slugger and you have a surreally connected BDSM comic page. Yay!

52. Cascadian
    December 19th, 2006 at 1:42 pm [Reply]

    As one of those “shy long-time lurkers,” thank you Uncle Lumpy. And even more, thank you Josh!

53. Harold
    December 19th, 2006 at 4:30 pm [Reply]

    Syd, Arthur Dent’s only brother was long ago nibbled to death by an Okapi. Possibly while on safari in Bangalla. Oh yea-h-h-h!

54. Craig Shergold
    December 20th, 2006 at 4:14 am [Reply]

    39: I would think R. Crumb is more of a Big Leg Man.

55. Craig Shergold
    December 20th, 2006 at 4:17 am [Reply]

    I for one welcome our new Uncle Lumpy overlord. It is bloody stunning.

    Can pluggers do gang signs? Do they have anatomically correct hands or three fingers like all right-thinking cartoon characters? And, what does Plugger graf look like?

56. April
    August 15th, 2007 at 4:44 pm [Reply]

    OK, for some reason, whenever you comment on the Phantom’s “NEXT” boxes, it reduces me to hysterics. My husband saw me, and then looked at our cat rolling with his catnip sock, and asked if he’d been sharing the ‘nip. I couldn’t explain the joy of reading a month or so of this site at a time… I’m actually saddened that I’m approaching the current date, and I won’t be able to get such huge quantities of archived joy!

    (switching email addresses to the one I actually check now)

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