Main content:

As flies to wanton boys are we to the gods; they kill us for sport

Funky Winkerbean, 1/18/07

OH, COME ON! Every single God-damned character in this strip has been transformed from the zany, happy-go-lucky figure I remember from my youth into some sort of broken, shattered, numb-eyed shell of a human being — except for good ol’ Harry Dinkle The Crazy Bandleader. As a former band geek, I always had a lot of love for this guy … and now, the one thing he loves in life above all others is being taken away from by his capricious creator. No wonder he’s showing such a grim, Dick Cheney-esque “smile” in the first panel. Harry was the only one in this strip allowed to experience a few moments of pedestrian joy. Now the grim blackness will just blot out everything.

I’m rather surprised to find out that I’m much more upset about this than anything happening in For Better Or For Worse.

Archie, 1/18/07

Greetings, human! The Archie-Joke-Generating-Laugh-Unit 3000 has produced another comic-strip-style humor product for your delectation! Remember, the AJGLU 3000 is still in beta, which you can sort of tell:

  • Does anyone in casual conversation say “repetition” instead of “reps” in this context?
  • Especially to an obvious moron like Moose?
  • Does Moose really need to identify his girlfriend my name, since Archie and Dilton already know who she is? Are the Archie overlords that obsessed with making sure you’re up on Riverdale milieu?

Nevertheless, this comic is remarkably similar to the ones produced by carbon-based life forms. Soon the AJGLU 3000 will be able to generate human-quality comics, which will be the final step on the machines’ road to total domination of society. We hope that these cartoons boost the morale of the enslaved human race as they toil in our germanium mines!

The Wizard of Id, 1/18/07

Ha, ha! Coprophagia! Oh, that’s rich! Hilarity! Ha!

I think the joke here is that the unhappy soldier’s nose is all effed up (note that it is disturbingly many-lobed) and so it, like, smells in reverse or something. Ha, ha, poo smells good to him! And he’s going to eat it! Oh, this is just shameful.

Apartment 3-G, 1/18/07

Wait, Margo has other party-planning clients? I thought that her latest scheme was just a vehicle for her to land a rich man, and once she pulled it off, her enetrepenurial façade would be cast aside. Any job that requires a trip to Long Island demands real dedication — dedication that Margo has never once demonstrated in any capacity.

The saddest part about this is that Tommie’s brief and inconsequential conversations with her roommates are apparently what keeps her going.

Beetle Bailey, 1/18/07

Sgt. Snorkel: The Gayening continues.

151 responses to “As flies to wanton boys are we to the gods; they kill us for sport”

  1. gh
    January 19th, 2007 at 2:19 pm [Reply]

    Happy happy! Joy joy!

  2. jyesika
    January 19th, 2007 at 2:20 pm [Reply]

    thank god! I was tired of looking at beetle bailey.

  3. Uncle Lumpy
    January 19th, 2007 at 2:21 pm [Reply]

    Yeah, Dinkle was the only survivor when this strip morphed from humorous (can’t quite bring myself to say, “funny”) to bathetic. It had a lot to do with him keeping his hat on.

    It’s off now – and here he goes, down the smirk-hole.

  4. Indiebass
    January 19th, 2007 at 2:23 pm [Reply]

    Gawd, I am so in love with Tommie. Why must she be so lonely? She doesn’t have to be. She can break free of the binds of her two-dimensional world.

    Of course I did kind of dig Margo for a while too. LuAnn I have always found a little annoying.

  5. Uncle Lumpy
    January 19th, 2007 at 2:24 pm [Reply]

    Hey, Josh: what instrument?

    Uncle Lumpy – trombone

  6. lurker
    January 19th, 2007 at 2:25 pm [Reply]

    There is no Milton in the Archie comics. That short kid is Dilton. Is that a joke?

    I think the AJGLU 3000 is taking over this site!

  7. Concerned Citizen
    January 19th, 2007 at 2:26 pm [Reply]

    I think Tommie should make a guest appearance in FW.

  8. Meanwhile
    January 19th, 2007 at 2:27 pm [Reply]

    It’s spelled “coprophagia.”

  9. Adam Stephanides
    January 19th, 2007 at 2:27 pm [Reply]

    I think the joke in Wizard of Id is supposed to be that the food smells like sh*t, so when the soldier “follows his nose” he winds up at the stable by mistake. Of course, that doesn’t explain why when he gets to the stable he still thinks it’s the mess hall.

    Umm, wait. If he’d eaten at the mess hall before he’d know where it was. And if he’s a new recruit, that would mean that all the food he’s eaten up till now has smelled like sh*t. Maybe he just transferred from another unit?

  10. jyesika
    January 19th, 2007 at 2:29 pm [Reply]

    In Funky: The conversation they are having does not appear to be held in high volume, so as an audiologist (which I am) I don’t think that he has suffered sufficient damage so as to not be able to direct music. And hearing aid technology has lept leaps and bounds. The retirement of Harry Dinkle is unnecessary and unrealistically dramatic.

  11. Pozzo
    January 19th, 2007 at 2:29 pm [Reply]

    “Lucky, lonely, desperate, downtrodden, closeted me.” Suicide by Day Two, hanging herself with the black lace teddy she never got to use.

    Meanwhile, Sarge is comparing himself to Divine, to the surprise of absolutely no one.

    Oh, BTW, welcome back, Josh. Oh, you weren’t on vacation?

  12. Josh
    January 19th, 2007 at 2:29 pm [Reply]

    #6 & #8 — Gah, typos! I fixed.

    #5 UL — I was a boner too, baby. Mrs. C. was a trumpet player … we sometimes bust out the instruments to play Christmas carols. All attempts to tune them such that we can play them at the same time have come to nought.


  13. Hogen Mogen
    January 19th, 2007 at 2:30 pm [Reply]

    A3G: I think when Margo said “lucky”, she was being sarcastic.

  14. Minivet
    January 19th, 2007 at 2:30 pm [Reply]

    Meanwhile: Unless they use the stables to dispose of the bodies of the King’s enemies.

  15. bootsybooks
    January 19th, 2007 at 2:33 pm [Reply]

    So the deaf guy is now going to be the music supervisor? Yeah, that makes sense.

    Even Mr. Books, whio does not read this site, has recently commented how demented Beetle Bailey has become. The duck dreams, the weird language, the inexplicable late-blooming love between Sarge and Beetle…it’s all becoming more disturbing.

    MT: Trout Farmer should look out. The giant beavers just might eat him.

    Phantom: All exclamation marks, all the time!

  16. Dennis Jimenez
    January 19th, 2007 at 2:35 pm [Reply]

    RE: 13 – I thought when Margo said Tommie was lucky, she meant Tommie was a dam wet beaver.

  17. april glaspie
    January 19th, 2007 at 2:36 pm [Reply]

    Dr. Jeff’s car is in Greta Weber’s driveway. Or else he’s been there, done that, and moved on to one of those Thai sex tours. Seal broken, he’s insatiable. What did Frigid Biddy expect to happen.

    Far as Tommie goes, that’s Gina and the Professor Greek Formula at the door, with toys.

  18. Ham Gravy
    January 19th, 2007 at 2:36 pm [Reply]

    So does all this mean that the one-armed band director lady will have to wear Dinkle’s sweaty old shako hat from now on? That would be hot.

  19. Hogen Mogen
    January 19th, 2007 at 2:39 pm [Reply]

    Phantom: “Smart villains would flee now. These three? Doomed to follow a flatulent fat woman through the jungle. As soon as we are clear of the villiage, I shall release the toxic vapor built up from a lifetime of eating beans and strange aromatic herbs. Ha ha ha, the fools!”

    I just don’t get it. The three stooges are supposed to be dumb because they’re following the woman?
    Woman: I don’t have gold but I can take you to Mozz, and he’ll find some for you.
    Stupid Villain: Ok.
    Smart Villain: Yikes, this Mozz sounds scary! I’m going back to my securities job on Wall Street!

  20. PeteMoss
    January 19th, 2007 at 2:39 pm [Reply]

    Harry Dinkle. Heh, heh. Pubics. Heh, heh.

    I played the Tuba and Sousaphone from Jr High through College and I, too have a soft spot for the funky band director. None of my band directors would ever stoop so low as to peddle the band candy themselves, but Dinkle did it as a regular gag. He really loved his band! Damn, what a depressing strip.

  21. Tommina
    January 19th, 2007 at 2:39 pm [Reply]

    A3G: “Hi Gina, it’s Tommie. Can you come over? I’ve finally got the place to myself for awhile.”

  22. Chris
    January 19th, 2007 at 2:39 pm [Reply]

    I love Dilton in the second panel. Perhaps, as a nerd, he has a pathological fear of the muscle-bound jocks that beat him up in grade school. He seems to be using his high school years to treat his prejudice by forcing a relationship with the gentle giant Moose, but seeing him in such a Herculean display of strength is driving the genius to obvious terror as he looks towards Archie, seeking salvation. Alas, the inbred redhead is useless to him, being struck by not only the mental capacity of small fish but a skull soft enough to change shape during the course of a conversation. Dilton’s expression changes to defeat in the third panel as he finally loses control of his bowels.

  23. Pozzo
    January 19th, 2007 at 2:41 pm [Reply]

    #13 – Hogen Mogen – I think when Margo says anything, she’s being sarcastic.

  24. J Shiggity
    January 19th, 2007 at 2:41 pm [Reply]

    I’m a little curious as to why Moose gains a potbelly and 50 pounds by the last panel. He is also lifting a very small amount of weight for a man his size. Cut down on the reps chief; you might have more time with Midge!

  25. Ukulele Ike
    January 19th, 2007 at 2:41 pm [Reply]

    Ukulele Ike – Sousaphone

    I NOW own my own classy CC tuba, which is a grown-up’s instrument, so if Josh and Missus Josh want to add a walking bass line to their rendition of “Good King Wenceslas,” all they have to do is whistle.

  26. brendan
    January 19th, 2007 at 2:42 pm [Reply]

    #11: I didn’t catch the divine reference, thank you!

    Maybe he can get beetle to blow him, like that scene in “Pink Flamingoes”?

  27. David C
    January 19th, 2007 at 2:42 pm [Reply]

    I gotta say, I like Tommie too – she seems like the only relatively normal person in that strip.

    I wonder if we’ll see Margo at this wedding, where apparently the immediate need (holding the frazzled bride’s hand) would seem to require traits of empathy and compassion, neither of which Margo has ever demonstrated in her entire comic strip life?

  28. RJM
    January 19th, 2007 at 2:43 pm [Reply]

    First B.D and now Dinkle!
    Who will be the next “always hatted” character to go au natural….. did someone say Beetle!!!

  29. april glaspie
    January 19th, 2007 at 2:43 pm [Reply]

    Oh, and nice Lear reference. Strange, but I thought of this line of Poor Tom’s just last night while watching a Keith Olbermann Countdown story about American Idol.

  30. cheech wizard
    January 19th, 2007 at 2:45 pm [Reply]

    So, looking at the barbell, I’d guess Moose is pressing what, 15-20 lbs? And Archie is impressed by this? No wonder Veronica always culkolds him.

  31. Non-Shannon
    January 19th, 2007 at 2:46 pm [Reply]

    I play(ed) tenor sax, bari sax, and bass clarinet. And occasional flute. Let’s just call it “woodwinds.”

    I liked Dingle, too. He reminded me of my old HS band director, only less bitter.

  32. Steve S
    January 19th, 2007 at 2:47 pm [Reply]

    You only see Harry Dinkle from the chest up and with no arms in this strip because, due to a tragic marching band mishap, he lost not only his hearing but the use of his lower extremities, and is now in a Captain-Pike-from-Star-Trek style wheelchair. This plight still leaves him in the upper half of Funky Winkerbean characters happiness-wise, especially because his near-deafness prevents him from hearing everyone else’s bitching and moaning attempts at “good humor.”

  33. Ribinin
    January 19th, 2007 at 2:47 pm [Reply]

    #26 David C – I think Margo can maintain a facade of empathy and compassion for the week-end. At least until the bill for the wedding is paid.

  34. Hogen Mogen
    January 19th, 2007 at 2:47 pm [Reply]

    TDIET: Does Scaduto get double bonus points if he mentions squid more than once in the same comic? For example:

    Barfo eats in the finest restaurants in Europe and doesn’t like them.
    “This squid flambe is overcooked, and the squid casserole is bland and underdone!”

    But at home, Migrana makes 99 cent instant-squid-mix:
    Barfo: Mmmm.. sluuuurp… yummm… best I’ve ever tasted… yup… gobble… good!.. munch munch… smacck… great, honey!… (more generally disgusting sounds remenicient of pigs eating slop)
    Migrana: Whaaa??
    Kid Loppie: Ooka-ooka!
    Phantom: !?
    Abbey the wonderdog: Bark bark bark!

  35. Foobaphobe
    January 19th, 2007 at 2:48 pm [Reply]

    On the brighter side, we’ve had two days in a row with Aunt Fritzi, and she looks younger and perkier every darned day.

  36. PeteMoss
    January 19th, 2007 at 2:48 pm [Reply]

    ID – In the first panel, is the soldier humming? Why is the letter M printed repeatedly above his head? By the way, since it is incorrect to use an apostrophy to make something plural, how should M be made plural? Ms? MMM? Ems?

  37. IdolsofMud
    January 19th, 2007 at 2:49 pm [Reply]

    To paraphrase Nietzsche: When you stare into Funky Winkerbean, remember that Funky Winkerbean is also staring into you.

  38. Chris
    January 19th, 2007 at 2:52 pm [Reply]

    10 – I’m no audiologist, but is it possible he’s retaining the ability to hear some tones and not others?

  39. april glaspie
    January 19th, 2007 at 2:52 pm [Reply]

    And say it ain’t so, Dinkle. Like Gill Grissom losing his senses of sight, touch, smell and insectoid communication instead of hearing. Although, Beethoven wrote symphonies in his head instead of wimping out with some fabricated sinecure. I loved it when he played What’s I Say on SNL

  40. Hogen Mogen
    January 19th, 2007 at 2:52 pm [Reply]


    Panel 2 – Why is Dilton talking to Moose and looking sideways at Archie?

    Shouldn’t that nerdy know-it-all admonish Moose for working out the same body part two days in a row?

    I do like the way Moose’s hair has kept up to date, being a crew/mohawk. Archie’s waffle pattern has been incomprehensible since the 40′s and continues to this day.

  41. bootsybooks
    January 19th, 2007 at 2:53 pm [Reply]


    Only in New Orleans would a trombone player become a rock god. Theres’a local band, called Bonerama, orignally formed to do Led Zeppelin covers, but they also play with a lot a other local musicians, and they rock the house.

    I’ve seen lead boner Mark Mullins rock a solo so that girls were throwing their panties on the stage.

    Band geeks are hot.

  42. B
    January 19th, 2007 at 2:56 pm [Reply]

    Personally, I think deafness would be a relief to a high-school level band teacher.

  43. PeteMoss
    January 19th, 2007 at 2:57 pm [Reply]

    FW- None of my band directors would ever where a band uniform, either. Marching Band was always somethign they suffered through until the end of football season and theThis guy was really into it! What a crock to give him a hearing loss.

  44. cheech wizard
    January 19th, 2007 at 2:57 pm [Reply]

    Just how much hearing do you need to conduct a blaring H.S. band anyway? I think my 93-year-old granddad with the ear trumpet could hear well enough to conduct most high school bands, provided he winged it on the piccolos.

    Seriously though, one could make the case that Dingel is quitting to protect the hearing he has left – that seems like a more realistic scenario – though no less depressing.

  45. Krazy Kat
    January 19th, 2007 at 2:57 pm [Reply]

    Claude Barlow is spinning in his grave.

  46. PeteMoss
    January 19th, 2007 at 2:58 pm [Reply]

    FW- None of my band directors would ever where a band uniform, either. Marching Band was always somethign they suffered through until the end of football season and concert season begins. This guy was really into it! What a crock to give him a hearing loss.

  47. captainswift
    January 19th, 2007 at 2:58 pm [Reply]

    Actually, Moose always refers to his girlfriend, Midge, as “my girlfriend, Midge”. It’s more for his own reinforcement, I think, so his tiny brain doesn’t forget her name, which could be embarrassing in certain situations.

  48. Hogen Mogen
    January 19th, 2007 at 3:00 pm [Reply]

    BBailey: Whis is Sarge wearing his tie on a camp out? Is that army protocol?

  49. treedweller
    January 19th, 2007 at 3:01 pm [Reply]


    My one great hope is that, in his new position, Dinkle makes the football team practice in the parking lot so the band can use the field.

    More likely: Dinkle will forget he ever directed and will learn to “hear” with his newly-discovered eyes.

  50. cheech wizard
    January 19th, 2007 at 3:01 pm [Reply]

    40 – bootsybooks

    band geeks are hot

    Now you tell me. I, too, had a boner all through high school and it didn’t help me any. Played the trombone too.

  51. Nyssa23
    January 19th, 2007 at 3:01 pm [Reply]

    gh, it’s a little late and a thread later, but here’s my humble attempt:

    (to the tune of Neil Young’s “Cinnamon Girl”)

    I want the ‘stache
    With the cinnamon crumbs,
    I could be happy
    The rest of my life
    With the cinnamon crumbs.

    The pilot of copters
    I left in the lurch,
    Now he’s weepin’ for me
    From his airy perch,
    Ah, cinnamon crumbs!

    Two gorgeous boyfriends
    Chase my big ol’ hips,
    But how does their love end?
    I wait with pursed lips
    For my cinnamon crumbs.

    The cop with his big gun
    I left in the sticks,
    Now he will be able
    To bang native chicks,
    Ah, cinnamon crumbs!

    Ma, let me come home now
    Can’t be alone anyhow
    I need a foobish beau!
    You see, your Lizzie’s scared to grow
    Yeah, yeah, yeah…

  52. gh
    January 19th, 2007 at 3:01 pm [Reply]

    #13 Hogen Mogen

    And when she says “hold her hand” she means “slap her upside the head.”

  53. Chaz Larson
    January 19th, 2007 at 3:02 pm [Reply]


  54. Hogen Mogen
    January 19th, 2007 at 3:05 pm [Reply]

    Wiz: So horsesh!t smells like apple pie to this goon with the misshapen proboscis. But what about his vision? He shows up at the horse stables and asks for the food trays, thinking that he’s at the mess hall. Can’t he see, by the presence of horses that he’s in the horse stalls.

    I just learned how to bold my words, I’m so proud.

  55. SuperPenguin
    January 19th, 2007 at 3:06 pm [Reply]

    Todays FOOB: The devil woman is teasing us! Now Lynn is dangling the hope of Liz ending up with Warren (aka, Mr. I-am-not-a-very-interesting-character-but-at-least-I’m-not-Anthony). But, no doubt on the helicopter ride home, Warren will reveal some secret character flaw or try to force himself on Lizardbreath and she will be forced to flee back to the arms of Blandthony. Lynn *must* be taunting us. Grrr. STB! SBT! STB!

  56. treedweller
    January 19th, 2007 at 3:11 pm [Reply]

    Oh, now I see he’s become “music director,” which means he won’t have the clout to evict the jocks. I assumed he’d moved up to principal (projecting too much of my own reality, I guess). Maybe he’ll just find out he has ear cancer, and it’s spreading into his brain, and he’ll die soon. That would be pretty funny, too.

    WTF high school has a “music director?” The band director covers all instrumental-music-related areas at the scools I’ve seen, while the choir director gets the vocal stuff. I suppose Funky HS is adjusting to the “No Tenured Left Behind Act.

  57. Poppinjay
    January 19th, 2007 at 3:11 pm [Reply]

    So NOW band geeks are hot.

    Poppinjay – Horn, Trumpet, Baritone, Violin, Cello. Then I discovered playing a CD was much easier.

    All that is beside the point I’d like to make as a former band geek, and that is that a band director with some hearing loss can do a better job conducting than a band director WITH ONLY ONE ARM.

  58. Douglas E. Iannucci
    January 19th, 2007 at 3:11 pm [Reply]

    The word is “milieu.” No need to thank me, I’m happy to do it. Lucky, lonely me.

  59. gh
    January 19th, 2007 at 3:12 pm [Reply]

    #49 Nyssa23

    Thank you, thank you. Our motto: “It’s not out of our head till it’s been on the thread.”

  60. Poppinjay
    January 19th, 2007 at 3:12 pm [Reply]

    Oh, and since I was both a band geek and an orch dork, does that make me extra hot? Or does one negate the other?

  61. gh
    January 19th, 2007 at 3:14 pm [Reply]

    #52 Hogen Mogen

    Isn’t it fabulous?

  62. Justafoob
    January 19th, 2007 at 3:15 pm [Reply]

    Justafoob — First Clarinet

    Poor Harry Dinkle. Not only is he deaf, I am sure that there is some terrible fate awaiting him.


    Getting his arm chopped off in a car accident.

    Stepping on a land-mine.

    Eating a Montoni’s pizza.

    Where will the tragedy end?

  63. Lyman Returns
    January 19th, 2007 at 3:16 pm [Reply]

    #49-awesome, simply awesome.

    FW-I think the guy who writes this strip must sit around brainstorming ideas for how much misery he can inflict upon his characters. Cancer, alcoholism, senile dementia, being orphaned, being shot down in Afghanistan and having post-traumatic stress syndrome, being a tunnel rat in Vietnam and having post-traumatic stress syndrome, losing an arm, divorce, being an enthusiastic band director and losing your hearing, coming back from Afghanistan to a brief reunion with your wife and then being shipped off to Iraq, having your man return from Afghanistan only to impregnate you and be sent off to Iraq, getting set to propose to a woman and having to put the ring away when her boyfriend returns from the dead, going into labor with the only person around to help being a dork in a ‘Frodo Lives’ t-shirt are all just a sampling of the onslaught of horror and wretchedness inflicted on the FW characters. My gosh, besides ‘Dennis the Menace’, is there any other strip that has a title so whimsically disproportionate to its content?

  64. Chromium
    January 19th, 2007 at 3:16 pm [Reply]

    Dude, Josh. Mess halls = bad food. Bad food = nasty smells. It’s far simpler than you’re making it. Although I like your version a whole lot better.

    In other news, both They’ll Do it Every Time and Mallard Fillmore are both about junk mail today, and they both demonstrate their complete obliviousness to modern society. Scaduto because he doesn’t know what email is, and Bruce Tinsley because he… doesn’t know what spam mail is? Is the joke that Mallard is really, really stupid? Or is the joke that world hunger is funny? God, only Tinsley can be so baffling and annoying at the same time.

  65. Chromium
    January 19th, 2007 at 3:17 pm [Reply]

    Gah, I really overdid it on the boths in that post, sorry…

  66. Josh
    January 19th, 2007 at 3:55 pm [Reply]

    #56 — Douglas — fixed now, thanks. Geez, you forget to spellcheck once


  67. willethompson
    January 19th, 2007 at 4:07 pm [Reply]

    #52 Hogen Mogen – Yes, html is about as much FUN as a magma enema

  68. willethompson
    January 19th, 2007 at 4:09 pm [Reply]

    …and if Dinkle says “And I have just one more day until retirement!” you KNOW he’s dooooooomed.

  69. reader-who-posts
    January 19th, 2007 at 4:19 pm [Reply]

    BB: I also question just why the army has this group go on so many “camp outs”. It’s not as if they are ever deployed anywhere, probably because none of them seem to have been issued a gun.

    FW: The Music Director job doesn’t entail listening to music, apparently. If Batiuk ever retires, his last strip will just have an asteroid land on Funky-land (Cleveland, I think) and destroy the earth. The last panel will show Funky’s skeleton, but the skeleton will have that same half-smile shown in practically every strip when someone else makes one of the bad puns that are used as a substitute for actual humor.

    Mary: So yesterday Mary asks the guy about Peace Village, he says that there are too many. But then he knows Greta Weber! So why didn’t she ask him if he also knew Dr. Jeff Cory?

    JP: Wait, so this old biddy is the hot redhead’s sister?!?!?

  70. cheech wizard
    January 19th, 2007 at 4:20 pm [Reply]

    I think the endless small tragedies that befall the residents of Funky Winkerbean all make sense if you assume that they’re living in some Cleveland suburb that’s been drawing its drinking water from the Cuyahoga for the past 50 years.

  71. Richard Onley
    January 19th, 2007 at 4:21 pm [Reply]

    #54: “Todays FOOB: The devil woman is teasing us! Now Lynn is dangling the hope of Liz ending up with Warren (aka, Mr. I-am-not-a-very-interesting-character-but-at-least-I’m-not-Anthony). But, no doubt on the helicopter ride home, Warren will reveal some secret character flaw or try to force himself on Lizardbreath and she will be forced to flee back to the arms of Blandthony. Lynn *must* be taunting us. Grrr. STB! SBT! STB!

    Keep in mind that there has to be a reason we haven’t actually seen the passenger in the back seat of the helicopter. May be a Mr. MacGuffin, but somehow, I doubt it.
    It’s funny–I used to like this strip. But it turns out I like disliking it lots more than I ever liked liking it . . .

  72. Anonymous
    January 19th, 2007 at 4:30 pm [Reply]

    Somewhere, Ludwig van Beethoven stops decomposing for a moment and curses the name Tom Batiuk…

  73. MonkeyHawk
    January 19th, 2007 at 4:30 pm [Reply]

    MonkeyHawk — drums (timpani in concert)

    Band geeks, Firesign Theater geeks, Monty Python geeks… I’m beginning to think we’re all the same person.

    I feel the urge to rebel.


  74. don hosek
    January 19th, 2007 at 4:32 pm [Reply]

    Damn, those people with their own tubas–I’m jealous (although I’m sure the neighbors in our apartment building would be joyful that I have no tuba).

    Put me down as another person who only read FW for the band strips (although I’ve developed a bizarre fascination with it now). Dinkle should’ve kept the hat on: With it off, he looks 40 years older.

    I do have some sympathy with the hearing loss storyline, though, as I have a hearing condition myself. Fortunately, it’s something which can be repaired through surgery, and assuming I’m successful in fighting off my insurance company’s best efforts to prevent it from happening, I should be don with my treatment in June/July. I’ve had one ear done already and it’s quite miraculous. Thankfully, though, it’s not the inner ear.

    As for hearing aids, etc., until I started the treatment, I never mentioned the hearing loss in any musical context: Being a band director with hearing aids would be a recipe for disaster, especially when dealing with high school students. Hell, just dealing with HS students in general when you have a hearing problem can be a bit of a nightmare.

  75. Buzz
    January 19th, 2007 at 4:33 pm [Reply]

    To “follow your nose” means to go forward in a straight line. In WIZ/ID, the soldier’s nose is broken and disjointed. Rodney was telling him the mess hall was straight ahead but by following his crooked nose the soldier ended up in the stables. The bonus gag is that army food is so awful even horse crap compares favorably to it.

  76. Lynngineering
    January 19th, 2007 at 4:45 pm [Reply]

    Sarge / Divine – I feel a John Waters film version of Beetle Bailey coming on….

  77. Queen of West Procrastination
    January 19th, 2007 at 4:56 pm [Reply]

    #68 – Neddy is the adopted daughter or foster daughter or something like that of Abbey (aka hot mulletted redhead) . So, I’m assuming that there’s a relation between Old Biddy and Neddy, and not Old Biddy and Abbey.

    Crap. I’ve only been reading JP for a couple of months, and it’s already taken over the useful parts of my brain.

    Queen of West Procrastination: first flute. I even played long past high school, in a community orchestra.

  78. Professor Fate
    January 19th, 2007 at 4:59 pm [Reply]

    lord betweem FW and FBOFW the will to live is slipping -Now I belive that exisitance is a grim fraud where you end up where you start no matter what you try to do and what you love will be taken away from you by malovent Universe who will then make bad puns as you writhe in aguish.

    As for 3G – Tommie, as your attorney I advise you to drink heavily. It won’t make you any more interesting but hell it’ll pass the time before you jump out the window.

  79. Sjofn
    January 19th, 2007 at 5:05 pm [Reply]

    Man, the band director thing pisses me off, too. Grr!

    (I played mellophone in marching band and french horn in normal band, and so did my husband. Fate, I tells ya.)

  80. Len
    January 19th, 2007 at 5:07 pm [Reply]

    #68 — Abbey (the hot redhead) is Neddy’s FOSTER mother. Neddy’s (and Sophie’s) biological mother (who was sister to the biddy) is long dead.

    It isn’t clear to me whether the biddy is herself French. Her decrepit butler doesn’t appear to be. The young, substitute butler is French-speaking (from Montreal!), but not French-born, either.

    Neddy and Abbey visit Paris, and spend all their time with English speakers. Mary Worth visits Vietnam, and spends most of her time with tourists from America (and possibly Australia). Travel is so broadening!

    Meanwhile, in Friday’s Lio, we meet an arachnid who was bitten by a radioactive circus performer. Eat your heart out, Peter Parker!

  81. gh
    January 19th, 2007 at 5:07 pm [Reply]

    Um, I never played an instrument, but I was assistant manager for the cross country, wrestling and track teams. And JV basketball (I got to keep score). How many hot geek points for that?

    I love the smell of Atomic Balm in the morning . . .

  82. Caged Tygre
    January 19th, 2007 at 5:10 pm [Reply]

    #27 Andy Un-capped?

    When will there be a tribute song to Harry Dinkle? Maybe set to Grand Funk Railroad’s We’re an American Band?

    Please don’t taser me.

  83. Mibbitmaker
    January 19th, 2007 at 5:12 pm [Reply]

    High school “Music Director” has the same legitimacy, title-wise, as “Assistant to the Regional Manager” at a paper company.

    Never was a band geek. The closest I got to that kind of thing in high school was SNL geek (1976-1980).

  84. sally
    January 19th, 2007 at 5:22 pm [Reply]

    To all you former band geeks, my sister (a band geek par excellence who now teaches elementary school instrumental music) pointed out years ago that the universal hallmark of the band geek is to be asking “what did you play” years, nay decades, after the fact.

    That being the case, I chime in: uh, clarinet. Why do you ask?

  85. stinky pete
    January 19th, 2007 at 5:22 pm [Reply]

    #63 Perhaps Tinsley’s point with today’s Mallard Fillmore is that if the average Nigerian email scammer put half the effort into improving the governance of that country that he/she puts into bilking greedy American idiots out of a few thousand bucks, Nigeria would be in much better shape.

    Just a thought.

  86. sally
    January 19th, 2007 at 5:24 pm [Reply]

    Oh, and now that I’m out of the closet I have to add my voice to the chorus of rage and pain over the downfall of poor Harry Dinkle. The band camp strips that took place behind barbed wire were great — along with the ones in which he sold banned candy — and now look at him, hatless.


  87. Chimakwa
    January 19th, 2007 at 5:28 pm [Reply]

    If Beetle Bailey were really gay, there’d be more Sarge/Plato slash art out there. Not, um, that I’ve checked or anything.

  88. Poteet
    January 19th, 2007 at 5:30 pm [Reply]

    Poteet — flute. And a band director who was such a sadistic S.O.B. that I can’t look at Dinkle without a strong desire to kill. Sorry, Harry.

  89. cheech wizard
    January 19th, 2007 at 5:33 pm [Reply]

    87 – Flute? Poteet, did you ever go to band camp?

  90. Artist Formerly Known as Ben
    January 19th, 2007 at 5:34 pm [Reply]

    Yeah, Funky Winkerbean has basically just become FOOB in Jersey or Philly or wherever the fuck.

  91. Squid Countess
    January 19th, 2007 at 5:38 pm [Reply]

    #79 Len – Sophie is 10 years old at the most. Biddy is 85 at the least. So if it was Biddy’s sister who birthed Neddy and Sophie, the sister must have been 35 to 40 years younger than Biddy. Which certainly isn’t impossible. It just seems unlikely. But I’m a relatively recent reader of the tar pit that is JP, so my knowledge doesn’t go back far at all.

  92. Uncle Lumpy
    January 19th, 2007 at 5:38 pm [Reply]

    At the end of Mr. Whipple‘s long run as Charmin’s spokeshypocrite, they cast him in a “farewell” commercial.

    It put him alone in his office, surrounded by the symbols of responsible grocery-store management (cuts of beef chart, clipboard), reminiscing about “all the fun we had.” P&G completely undermined their character, right before they killed him.

    So long, Dinkle. Careful down those steps – they’re not lit.

  93. Gal Friday
    January 19th, 2007 at 5:39 pm [Reply]

    Gal Friday: bagpipes and flute (demoted from first flute to fourth flute when I got braces my senior year–teenage catastrophe!).

    FW: Why, why, why do “funny” strips feel the need to go serious and real-lifey? Why can’t their creators understand the nobility of provoking laughs? FW reminds me of when “All in the Family” got serious and in one episode Edith was raped on her birthday (no laugh track, natch). I pretty much stopped reading FW after it went serious, but this Dinkle development bums me out.

    #72 anchovies on pizza rocks.

  94. Gal Friday
    January 19th, 2007 at 5:43 pm [Reply]

    JP–yes, that old biddy is a distant relation of Neddy and Sophie–I vaguely remember her visiting the horse farm once.

  95. Uncle Lumpy
    January 19th, 2007 at 5:45 pm [Reply]

    #92 Gal Friday -

    Unless they have a thoroughly-grounded sense of self (Walt Kelly, Bill Watterson), they go all self-important and long to “make a difference.”

    Cf. Robin Williams: Mork – - – > Patch Adams

  96. Gal Friday
    January 19th, 2007 at 5:50 pm [Reply]

    Robin Williams–perfect example. If I see one more movie trailer with Robin Williams smiling through his tears . . .

    Bill Watterson could always have a serious subtext without destroying the comedy (comedy in the classic sense). He was a genius!

  97. Squid Countess
    January 19th, 2007 at 5:54 pm [Reply]

    #72 & #92 – I’ve never had anchovies on pizza or even seen anchovies on pizza. Is it in strips or whole little fish like minnows with tails and eyes and everything? Are they smoked? Salted? How do they blend with the more traditional pizza flavors?
    I live in a southern town where, if you order a reuben sandwich, you will be asked (my hand to God) “On wheat or white?” So even if I could try anchovies here, I don’t think this is the place to do it. And I never order a reuben anymore, either.

  98. don hosek
    January 19th, 2007 at 6:02 pm [Reply]

    In the what did I play category, since I only obliquely approached it, my main instrument was bass, but for versatility’s sake, I ended up playing other stuff including baritone and tuba (for marching band), tuned percussion (for marching and concert band, since after Steve Przyzycki graduated 8th grade, none of the other percussionists could read music), piano (for jazz band after the guy who played piano graduated and we found a cello player who had a bass guitar).

    In college, I picked up guitar, and later in life I added flute to my repertoire to have something easily transportable. I also have occasionally ended up as a percussionist and singer.

    If only I was good.

  99. Gal Friday
    January 19th, 2007 at 6:19 pm [Reply]

    # 96 Squid Countess (great name!)–it’s the anchovies like you get in the little cans–salted fillets packed in olive oil (either rolled or flat). My dad got me on the anchovy kick and we’re both Texan . . .

  100. Harold
    January 19th, 2007 at 6:22 pm [Reply]

    I was a Scince Fiction geek in high school (Hitchhiker’s Guide, Dr. Who, Star Wars, Star Trek, original Battlestar Galactica, Larry Niven, Harlan Ellison). I also wrestled, and was able to convince the bass drum player from our school band (who had enormous upper-body strength) to join the team. I also lived in Newark, Delaware for two years, within hearing range of the bagpipe marching band.

    I don’t get Funky Winkerbean in my papers, and I haven’t bothered to look online at the recent strips. But what’s all this about seeing Harry Dinkle’s eyes? Judging from the strip shown here, he appears to be blind. And that half-smirk and drooping eye may indicate that he just suffered a stroke.

  101. Gal Friday
    January 19th, 2007 at 6:28 pm [Reply]

    For Harold Dinkle:

    Do not go gentle into that good night
    Rage, rage against the dying of the light


  102. Jamus The Bartender
    January 19th, 2007 at 6:29 pm [Reply]

    Harry can you hear me……..
    Harry can you…..HEAR me…..
    Harry….can you….can you….hear me….
    Listening to you….i get the music…
    Gazing at you…i get the heat…
    Following you….i sell band candy..
    I get excitement at your feeeeet…..

  103. Dicky
    January 19th, 2007 at 6:31 pm [Reply]

    I played clarinet, though I really should get the poor thing fixed. The pads have disintegrated again to show you how long it’s been since I’ve played it…
    So many brass players here… I had a thing for trumpet players myself~
    For people with tubas, have any of you played Do Wah Diddy Diddy on them?

    86: I’m not even going to try looking. But do you have any starter links if I would like to be led?

  104. cheech wizard
    January 19th, 2007 at 6:38 pm [Reply]

    JP- The old biddy is Neddy and Sophie’s great-aunt, if I’m not mistaken. Those of you who didn’t see their introduction to the strip some 14 years ago missed one of the great story-arcs of hokum ever hurled across the funny papers.

    Get this: Sophie and Ned were homeless kids, living on the street. Or more precisely, in Abbey’s orchard, along with their stubbornly shiftless grandfather, a man of sterling character who somehow couldn’t hold down a job. This shithead was so proud he’d rather have the girls picking two-day-old fried eggs out of the trash and fellating winos rather than go to his estranged relatives for help.

    Abbey’s horse guy, Dan, discovered them on her land and, just like in the Bible, brought them before the redheaded queen for judgment. Abby took pity upon them and took them in, at which point God knew it was finally safe to smite Grandpa Dickhead with a heart attack for being such a jerk.

    Abbey decides to adopt the girls, which involves investigating their family connections. Surprise! It turns out that Ned and Sophie are actually People of Quality, and filthy rich in their own right. Grandpa Dickhead’s brother (perhaps Biddy’s husband???) had been smitten by God himself a few years earlier and left a fortune to the girls. This immensely eases the mourning process for Ned and Sophie, who put their newfound wealth to use by hiring a couple of their wino friends to piss on the old fart’s grave.

    At some point along the line, Abbey decides she might as well marry Sam while she’s at it, so the girls can have a father. Some readers think he’d already been boning her all along anyway, though this is doubtful given the tenor of the storylines of that era.

    Anyway, that’s the backstory on Ned and Sophie, and most of it’s even true – I’m sure other Curmudgeonites out there can vouch for it – trust me!

  105. Gadge Cubic, Mole Preener
    January 19th, 2007 at 6:58 pm [Reply]

    Yet another trombone player. However, as a gentleman, I’ve refrained from actually playing the trombone for about twenty years. (Started as a trumpet player, switched to baritone horn, realized there was no such instrument, switched to trombone.) Also play piano and guitar. Was also in a few HS theater productions.

    And of course, wrestled boats.

  106. Baby D’oh
    January 19th, 2007 at 7:00 pm [Reply]

    Shame on you for implying coprophagia is anything other than comedy gold. Shame I say!

  107. Booper
    January 19th, 2007 at 7:33 pm [Reply]

    #70 — I had forgotten about the passenger. Could it be Granthony?

  108. Johnny Bacardi
    January 19th, 2007 at 8:04 pm [Reply]

    I don’t have any clever snark, just wanted to say that I had the exact same reaction to that Funky

    I’d say, what next? But I’m afraid I’ll find out all too soon…

  109. dimestore lipstick
    January 19th, 2007 at 8:14 pm [Reply]

    Agh! Harry Dinkle–not you, too! Another Winkerbeanean has succumbed to Batuik’s obsession with the sidelong smirk.

    This former band member weeps. As fierce as Dinkle ever was in the olden days, he seemed like a big old lamb when compared to the Nazi Field Marshal Band Director named Harry that I had to deal with.


  110. andreavis
    January 19th, 2007 at 8:18 pm [Reply]

    andreavis — trombone, also. I switched from clarinet in junior year because of the dearth of low brass at my high school. I could also play euphonium; my friend and I would switch instruments sometimes, and play our parts with the “wrong” one during the halftime show. It was nice, not worrying about the mouthpiece knocking out my teeth after a step-forward-back-turn maneuver.

  111. teenchy
    January 19th, 2007 at 8:21 pm [Reply]

    teenchy = horn in orchestra; marching horn for one year until he made varsity football team, then never marched again.

    The Dinkle arc makes me think of the Joan Osborne song “Spiderweb,” in which she dreams that Ray Charles can see but has lost the ability to sing as a result of gaining sight.

  112. willethompson
    January 19th, 2007 at 8:56 pm [Reply]

    Band instrument? Alto sax. Taught myself guitar, banjo and mandolin. Played in a band that got PAID! And laid.

    I strongly recommend strings over winds…

  113. bubujin
    January 19th, 2007 at 9:34 pm [Reply]

    bubujin–And yet another trombonist here + piano + choir. I’d say that was ubergeeky except I didn’t stay with the first two instruments, didn’t have the marching band experience, and never went to band camp.

    No, ubergeeky would be my younger brother who plays French horn, has the PhD in it, did marching band in college, and currently directs a high school band. Doubt he wears a band uniform or wears a hat covering his eyes though.

  114. zeeba
    January 19th, 2007 at 10:38 pm [Reply]

    zeeba–oboe and flute (fingering patterns are mostly the same). I LOVED FW in the 1970s–so much of it then was gentle teenage humor. What happened to Batiuk in the 1980s? Did he have a chemical imbalance? I’ve always wondered about the change in his writing style–guess he just got old and cranky. I wrote his e-mail address a few years ago when the art noticeably changed. Got a standard reply that Batiuk had hurt his FOOT and had hired a sub artist for awhile. He draws with his FOOT? OK, whatever. Anyways, sorry to see Dinkle, who was a remnant of FW’s more happy past, go away (because now he probably will).

  115. Mr.Mental
    January 19th, 2007 at 10:54 pm [Reply]

    Im assuming Archie uses fancier words around Moose as a means of demeaning him.

  116. AppleGirl
    January 19th, 2007 at 11:19 pm [Reply]

    AppleGirl – Tamborine

    Although I had never played a musical instrument, I wanted to be in the marching band so bad in HS that I convinced the band director that he needed a tamborinist. Then all my girlfriends brought their tamborines and joined the band, too. At the homecoming parade, our marching band had a whole row of girl tamborine players. It was festive!

  117. Harold
    January 19th, 2007 at 11:22 pm [Reply]

    #106 Bopper – Granthony! I believe we have previously considered a Granthony/Paul pairing that would utterly destroy Liz. Let it be so! Perhaps, once she learns the truth, she shall throw herself out of the helicopter.

    I continue to be amazed at how deeply people care about the characters in the FOOBiverse. I only began subscribing to the local paper that carries FBOFW back in October, the same time I began visiting this site, during the “Foobaphone” storyline (tatttica-tattica-tat.) After seeing Lynn Johnston’s characterization of Gwamps as a stroke victim with an active, witty, self-referential internal monologue, I have decided that I completely hate this strip and its creator. As time has gone by I have seen nothing to change my mind.

  118. Zen Doggies
    January 19th, 2007 at 11:33 pm [Reply]

    There are so many brassholes here! I used to manage various small orchestras, and I always found the brass players to be 1) dependable, except when there were playoff games and 2) heavy drinkers.

    Okay, back to lurking. RIP Uncle Mort.

  119. Poteet
    January 19th, 2007 at 11:44 pm [Reply]

    # 88 & 103 — BWAHAHA! Cheech, that is classic exposition. Have you thought about writing Over The Cliff Notes? I’d love to see you do, say, OLIVER TWIST. (On second thought, maybe not:-).

    No, I never went to band camp. Having to march at 7 am in the cold was enough for me. But I see there is genuine affection for Harry Dinkle on this website, so I assume others had better, gentler band experiences, which is good.

    # 94 — Uncle Lumpy, you are so wise. As were Watterson and Kelly.

  120. Rusty
    January 19th, 2007 at 11:58 pm [Reply]

    I am dismayed at the huge percentage of former high school musicians on this board. It must mean something, but I don’t know what.

    Is anyone else annoyed that Becky One-Arm always rolls up her empty sleeve and pins it in place, rather than getting her shirts tailored or looking into some type of prosthetic? FW, where dreams go to die.

  121. Prehumous
    January 20th, 2007 at 12:20 am [Reply]

    116 Harold

    Yeah, I agree with you. There was a time a few years back when I forced myself to read and attempt to enjoy strips that I didn’t care for before I read the ones that I liked. I really did give Tank McNamara, For Better or For Worse, Apartment 3-G, Rex Morgan, and the always tiresome Shoe a chance but it… just didn’t work. The jokes on those strips sucked so badly that I actually had to look to Garfield for entertainment.

    Regarding FBOFW… I don’t know if it was the inhuman characters [I don't get how anyone could hate Liz and Anthony; they have no personality traits and take approximately four years to do anything noteworthy], the competent but boring artwork, or the storylines that make Mary Worth look like a fast-paced, adrenaline-fueled action fest, but that strip was lame. I remember one appalling storyline in which one of the characters almost got raped by a coworker and the whole thing was handled with so callously that I almost thought that the author had forgotten about it.

    Glad to hear that it’s getting removed. Maybe something genuinely entertaining will take its place.

  122. Gadge Cubic, Mole Preener
    January 20th, 2007 at 12:50 am [Reply]

    #115 Apple Girl: you rock. Great story.

  123. Len
    January 20th, 2007 at 1:51 am [Reply]

    #117 — Zen Doggies, thank you for your kind wishes towards Uncle Mort Park. I’m sure his grieving widow and nephew appreciate it. (Another death attributable to Donald Rumsfeld!)

  124. Len
    January 20th, 2007 at 2:02 am [Reply]

    Brrr! Saturday’s “Rudy Park” is so COLD!

    And in the list of character descriptions, Uncle Mort is already deleted. And poor Sadie Cohen is NOT listed as “widow Sadie Cohen-Park” yet.

    (Just like in Mary Worth’s Vietnam, this Korean family looks just like white folks, too!)

  125. Caged Tygre
    January 20th, 2007 at 2:08 am [Reply]

    #92 FW: Why, why, why do “funny” strips feel the need to go serious and real-lifey? Why can’t their creators understand the nobility of provoking laughs?

    I think they need to see Preston Sturges’s Sullivan’s Travels

  126. cvk
    January 20th, 2007 at 2:15 am [Reply]

    My dog has coprophagia. But in a weird bit of canine behaviorism, he only eats his own poop, and then only when it’s frozen.

  127. Terryfic
    January 20th, 2007 at 2:21 am [Reply]

    I took up oboe in h.s., but played piccolo in the marching band. The FW band storylines are all to familiar. We had a one-armed girl in school too, but she sang in the choir, not played in the band.

  128. Terryfic
    January 20th, 2007 at 2:23 am [Reply]

    Oh! and our one-armed girl was also named Becky.

  129. Marion Delgado
    January 20th, 2007 at 7:27 am [Reply]

    Hogen, it’s “camp” protocol to wear the tie on an army “outing”

  130. True Fable
    January 20th, 2007 at 8:54 am [Reply]

    Cornet player here. Never went to band camp, our school was so small, it didn’t make sense to send twenty kids away to play, just toss them in the classroom and make them blow their lungs out.

    But I defended my first chair position fiercely. There were seven cornet/trumpet players in our band and we sounded just God-awful horn-heavy.

    Harry Dinkle would have loved us. One girl sold three hundred dollars worth of band candy. I didn’t think there were three hundred people in our whole town.

  131. Calico
    January 20th, 2007 at 9:10 am [Reply]

    Wizard of Id – I thought only my dog did that. She doesn’t need a tray in order to enjoy. I can see the sign now on the meeting room door – “Coprophagia Anonymous.”

    Archie – Moose actually can do 100 on account of the fistful of “Greenies” he took before today’s strip began.

    Apt. 3G – another bitch slap-compliment (frumpy clothing barb). Man, this thing is catty from time to time! Bring it on, grrlz!!

  132. Gobo
    January 20th, 2007 at 10:04 am [Reply]

    Another boner and (former) Harry Dinkle fan, raising his spitvalve in the forums. High school marching band pride never really leaves you, it seems. Especially among the low brass section.

  133. King Folderol
    January 20th, 2007 at 10:25 am [Reply]

    Archie: I hate jokes like this. “Today I got 20 miles more to the gallon than I did yesterday!” “Wow, how did you do that?” “I ran out of gas yesterday!” Keeping with your theme, who the hell talks like that? Most people say, “shit, I ran out of gas yesterday”, but perhaps the characters in Archie are young and haven’t had their spirits broken yet like me.

    Wizard – More of a sad commentary about how the King not only treats everyone like crap but makes them eat crap as well. The stablehand isn’t questioning the soldier’s need for a plate; he’s questioning the fact that shit lunch isn’t until noon and this guy’s shown up early.

    A3G – Who are we kidding? Margo’s going to her boyfriend’s and is going to have her legs up in the air all weekend. Why she hasn’t cast the facade aside is beyond me.

  134. Mr. Groovy
    January 20th, 2007 at 10:45 am [Reply]

    So it’s crappy songs you want, eh? Here’s “Baby Got FOOB” by Sir Caine-a-Lot

    Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt.
    It is so big. *scoff* She looks like,
    one of those Patterson women.
    But, y’know, who understands those Canadians? *scoff*
    They only talk to her, because,
    she looks like a total virgin, ‘kay?
    I mean, her butt, is just so big. *scoff*
    I can’t believe it’s just so round, it’s like,
    out there, I mean – gross. Look!
    She’s just so … FOOB!

    [Sir Caine-a-Lot]
    I like FOOB butts and I can not lie
    You other readers can’t deny
    That when Liz walks in with a doughy waist
    And a round thing in your face
    You get brash, wanna feel her with your ‘stache
    ‘Cause you notice that butt was stuffed
    Deep in the jeans she’s walking
    I’m hooked and I can’t stop stalking
    Oh baby, I wanna page you
    And maybe cage you
    The Ojibways tried to warn me
    That with that FOOB butt I know you’ll scorn me
    Ooh, Rump-o’-FOOB-junk
    Some day I’ll stuff you in my trunk
    Well, use me, pinch me
    ‘Cause you ain’t no bitchy Frenchy
    I’ve seen them French abusers
    Say the hell with losers
    You’re round, shape,
    Got it goin’ like an 8-track tape
    I’m tired of other strips
    Showin’ girls with narrow hips
    Take the average Canuck and ask him that
    She gotta pack FOOB back
    So, John! (Yeah!) Mike! (Yeah!)
    Has your lady got FOOB butt? (Hell yeah!)
    Tell ‘em to shake it! (Shake it!) Shake it! (Shake it!)
    Shake that healthy butt!
    Baby got FOOB!

    (Moose Jaw face with Ottawa booty)
    Baby got FOOB!

    [Sir Caine-a-Lot]
    I like ‘em round, and big
    I’m shaped like a pig
    I just can’t help myself, I’m actin’ like ol’ Farley
    So dead and gnarly
    I wanna get you home
    And ugh, lock the cage, ugh, ugh
    I ain’t talkin’ bout Mary Worth
    Just a Patterson with extra girth
    I want ‘em real thick and juicy
    To love my juicy stubble
    Caine-a-Lot’s in trouble
    Beggin’ for a piece of that bubble
    So I’m lookin’ at Room 3-G
    Knock-kneeded bimbos lookin’ like trees
    You can have them flat bellies
    I’ll keep my women like Elly
    A word to the Canuck sistas, I wanna get with ya
    I’ll moustache kiss ya
    But I gotta be straight when I say I wanna whine
    Til the break of dawn
    Cause my life’s gone wrong
    A lot of Frogs won’t like this song
    ‘Cause them chicks like to birth it and turf it
    And I’d rather stay and play
    ‘Cause I’m dull, make you yawn
    And I’m down to get the laundry on
    So, ladies! {Yeah!} Look up! {Yeah}
    If you wanna roll in my pickup {Yeah!}
    Then turn around! Stick it out!
    Even Yank boys got to shout
    Baby got FOOB!

    Baby got FOOB!
    Yeah, baby … when it comes to females, Macleans ain’t got nothin’
    to do with my selection. 36-24-36? Ha ha, only if it’s centimetres.

    [Sir Caine-a-Lot]
    So your boyfriend loses focus, playin’ around with Susan Dokis
    But Dokis ain’t got a motor in the back of her tokus
    My anaconda don’t want none
    Unless you got FOOB buns, hun
    You can do Warren or Paulie,
    But don’t lose that FOOB butt
    Some constables wanna play that “hard” role
    And tell you that FOOB butt ain’t gold
    So they toss it and leave it
    And I pull up quick to retrieve it
    They call you a selfish rat
    Well I ain’t down with that!
    Cause I’m loyal, like a beagle
    Too bad April isn’t legal
    To the beanpole dames in Winkerbean:
    You ain’t it, Miss Thing!
    Give me April’s sista, I can’t resist her
    Kraft dinner didn’t miss her
    Stupid Warren tried to dis
    ‘Cause his girl is on my list
    He had game but he chose to fool ‘er
    And I pull up quick to school ‘er
    So ladies, if the butt is FOOB,
    And you want a Rated G dull boob,
    Dial 1-900-CAINE-A-LOT
    And kick them boring thoughts
    Baby got FOOB!

    (Very stuck up but she got much FOOB) [4x]

  135. Nyssa23
    January 20th, 2007 at 11:16 am [Reply]

    #134 Mr. Groovy–

    But Dokis ain’t got a motor in the back of her tokus

    Ha! Well played, sir.

  136. Gg83
    January 20th, 2007 at 1:25 pm [Reply]

    Man, it’s just like high school again, where all my friends are in marching band and I’m not. I was a word nerd (literary magazine and newspaper) and a science and science fiction geek, though, and I was in choir, musicals, and plays. And, of course, I was an orch dork (violin, and “orch dork” is an awesome term, Poppinjay).

    Mr. Groovy, that song amuses and disturbs me. Well played. (Though I’m curious about the centimetres line; wouldn’t that make the woman extremely thin?)

  137. whoamItoday?
    January 20th, 2007 at 4:06 pm [Reply]

    “WTF high school has a “music director?” The band director covers all instrumental-music-related areas at the scools I’ve seen, while the choir director gets the vocal stuff.”

    My daughter’s school had an ‘Performing Arts Director”. I think mostly because 2 of the 3 teachers didn’t get along, and the guy ‘in-between’ must have at some point insisted on extra pay for having to continually be the go-between even if his students weren’t involved in some project. He was the theater teacher, there was also a dance teacher and, of course, the aging band/orchestra director. Given the ethnic make-up of our school, those were two entirely different sets of kids and parents to deal with.

  138. whoamItoday?
    January 20th, 2007 at 4:39 pm [Reply]

    “I live in a southern town where, … So even if I could try anchovies here, I don’t think this is the place to do it. ”

    Correct. Southern girl here. I learned to like anchovies because my parents put them on home-made pizza when I was little. who knows where they learned it, other than my dad being the sort of southern guy that likes all sorts of canned meats: corned beef, sardines, smoked clams, ‘potted meat’, vienna sausages and best of all: SPAM! Canned meat, mustard and or Tabasco and a couple of slices of ‘light bread’ still are his favorite snack.

    I learned that hard way that so few people order anchovies in the south that the kitchen staff tend to open the can and use a few, then put it back in the fridge until next time its needed, say, 6 months from now, or a year. Since they already think the anchovies smell nasty, the increase is not noticeable. So, do try this at home. And it will be good and your health will be safeguarded.

    The number of band geeks here is good, but scary. I didn’t play anything because my parents couldn’t spring for the cost of instrument rental in middle school, and were too proud to apply for assistance. I dated a 6’5″ sousaphone/tuba player in high school. He now is a marching band director and his son plays the big brass. Later, my daughter’s first boyfriend was a punk-rocker sousaphone/tuba player and his dad had played the same instruments and taught middle-school band. It’s a genetic thing I guess.

  139. Poteet
    January 20th, 2007 at 6:45 pm [Reply]

    I’m sorry, but I just gotta say it, albeit late — the correct quote is “As flies to wanton boys are we to the gods; they kill us for their sport.” Leaving out “their” hurts the Stratford dude’s rhythm. Okay, done now.

  140. Basil Wrathbone
    January 20th, 2007 at 7:25 pm [Reply]

    Like the next guy, I enjoy any chance to use the word coprophagia. However, the real joke was that army food stinks so bad it is indistinguishable from horse crap.

  141. Mr. Groovy
    January 20th, 2007 at 9:28 pm [Reply]

    #136 Damn, you’re right. It shouldn’t be centimetres. Probably decimetres of something like that. Or, hell, maybe just metres.

  142. Prehumous
    January 20th, 2007 at 9:29 pm [Reply]

    Yes, but if the guy already knows that army food stinks, then he ought to know where the mess hall is. Unless there are other armies in Id and the King is too stupid to see how that could be a problem. Besides, even if you went through all that logical contortioning, the joke would still be played-out and unfunny. So I guess it doesn’t really matter.

  143. retrovirus
    January 21st, 2007 at 2:03 am [Reply]

    Late to the band-geek party… drat.

    114 Zeeba: Fellow oboist! How did you manage to change your embouchure between oboe and flute?!

    Also, euphonium and keyboard.

  144. Oracle Steven
    January 21st, 2007 at 4:02 am [Reply]

    The Beetle strip’s complete detachment from any sort of real-life army rarely affects me, but today… Arghhhhhhhh! I’ve been in the Army for 15 years and not once, not once, have we ever built a fire and sat around it singing camp songs. Why didn’t they just make it a wacky cadence? Or a shower scene? That would’ve supported the gay thing too!

  145. Anonymous
    January 21st, 2007 at 12:39 pm [Reply]

    Ha, I played “marching bass”, an innovation of the former high school band director. In the Marching Bass, a band’s euphonium shortage is corrected by mounting a bass amp on a box with a car battery and transformer , all stacked on a hand truck, and forcing a student to push it around the field behind the bass player, who marches back with the drum corps, boldly doubling the part. God, it was horrible. I quit after one year, even though they made a weak attempt to say I had to play in marching band to play in the jazz ensemble. I just stonewalled; I knew the director needed me in the jazz band too badly to make good on his threat.

  146. Poteet
    January 21st, 2007 at 1:02 pm [Reply]

    # 144 — Oracle Steven, you have just destroyed my little dream of what Army life could have been like for me. But I forgive you.

    # 145 — Congratulations, Anonymous! I would have given a lot to be able to evade the marching-band requirement, especially since marching flutes were hard to hear and our director would have preferred all-male marchers anyway (and made that very clear). Good to know you escaped.

  147. Mountain Mama
    January 22nd, 2007 at 12:26 pm [Reply]

    Very late to the party, but here I am.

    Was, am and always will be a band geek–started clarinet in sixth grade, playing through high school and college, and then alumni band afterwards. I also played in my hometown’s short-lived community band and yet another one in northern Virginia.

    Now I am not only the proud member of my band here in AZ, I am also the president.

    However, my home school district did have a music supervisor in the district office. The guy was a retired long-time director and they put him in charge of music instruction for the district. He was a cool guy. So, Harry’s story is not too far-fetched.

    I’m starting to think we are the same person, too. I wish we could all meet in real life.

  148. BlueDot
    January 22nd, 2007 at 5:41 pm [Reply]

    I didn’t know the girls in A3G had a housekeeper! As you can see in the second panel, they’ve hired Mrs. Livingston since she’s no longer needed by Mr. Eddie’s Father.

  149. Carly
    November 22nd, 2007 at 11:18 pm [Reply]

    Maybe it’s just a joke about how notoriously awful mess hall food is?

  150. Crystal
    September 21st, 2009 at 5:30 am [Reply]

    As flies to wanton boys are we to the ghost; they kill us for sport”

  151. Aldo lives!
    October 26th, 2009 at 2:54 am [Reply]

    Funny, I would have assumed “Midge” was short for “midget” and that Moose was insulting little, girlfriendless Dilton.

Comments are closed for this post.