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Teenage anger and hilarious panels

Judge Parker, 3/27/11

Ha ha, Sophie is absolutely justified in being so angry! In her attempt to throw off the shackles of nerdom, she put an awful lot of effort into seizing a spot on the cheerleading squad, a goal she achieved by a combination of grass-roots mobilization and awesome, albeit off-panel, physical prowess. Only now she discovers that dork stuff like debate club was the key to popularity all along! I have to say that my four years of high school debate did not win me the affections of anyone with a hilariously WASP-tastic name, but maybe that’s just because I wasn’t ludicrously wealthy. In fact, that’s probably the real source of Sophie’s rage here. Sure, the Spencer-Driver clan is the wealthiest in the state, but what’s the point if you don’t engage in vulgar displays of affluence that improve your social standing? Sophie won’t be satisfied until Abbey allows her to top Honey Ballenger’s dramatic entrance; look for her to arrive at school on Monday carried aloft on a litter, surrounded by dozens of family retainers on horseback.

Family Circus, 3/27/11

I’m not sure which is sadder: that the Keane kids are so excited by the idea of driving around their dreary suburb with a vague acquaintance that they’re willing to bend the truth to get permission to do it, or that the lone Keith child looks positively ecstatic at the prospect of sharing the car with the three noxious melonheads. How grim her life must be!

Panel from Dick Tracy, 3/27/11

Wow, kudos to the new Dick Tracy team for bringing the Crimestoppers Textbook up to date with modern skullduggery! I’m not sure how many regular Dick Tracy devotees also own extensive collections of vacant rural real estate, but still, I’m impressed and I learned something. (Matchbox scratch panels? Who knew?)

Panel from Mark Trail, 3/27/11

I love Mark and Doc’s smug smirks in the background as a terrified, bug-eyed Cherry works herself up for battle against the spider menace. “Gee, Doc, should we tell her that she’s trying to kill one of mankind’s allies?” “No, Mark, we’ll explain it after she wipes out all the spiders and then the cabin is overrun by the vermin the spiders would have eaten! It’s the only way she’ll learn!”

Panel from Gasoline Alley, 3/27/11

Slim finds the concept of physical intimacy with his wife distasteful, but he dreams of a future as a high-priced prostitute.

186 responses to “Teenage anger and hilarious panels”

  1. Maggie the Cat
    March 27th, 2011 at 3:10 pm [Reply]

    I love the bottle of LYE just casually sitting aside the match box, but where were the used syringes and popped out pill packs?

  2. Indichik
    March 27th, 2011 at 3:10 pm [Reply]

    FC: Please? It might be days before we get another chance to smuggle ourselves out of the Kompound!

  3. Erich
    March 27th, 2011 at 3:11 pm [Reply]

    Wait, they expect us to believe that Clovia WANTS Slim to kiss her? I think somebody switched the word balloons.

  4. Hairhead
    March 27th, 2011 at 3:14 pm [Reply]

    Luann – Okay, just to warn everyone up front, Greg Evans is going to get EXTRA-squicky in the next couple of weeks. Why? It’s a natural consequence of Gunther’s insertion into (not Luann) the plotline.

    What “I will make you a stunning gown” means is the following scene.

    GUNTHER: Now Luann, I’ve made the gown from the measurements I got from making your sexy witch costume last Hallowe’en, but we have to fit the gown and make the adjustments.

    LUANN: What do I have to do?

    GUNTHER: Um, ah, er, s-s-s-s-strip down to y-y-y-your underwear and put the gown on, and then I’ll go over it several times, adjusting the f-f-f-fit and marking where I have let it out or . . or . . or . . p-p-p-put it i-i-i-in (Gunther is stammering and perspiring profusely.) I’ll turn my head away until you’ve got it on.

    LUANN: Oh Gunther, no worries, after all my underwear covers more than a bikini will, and I’ll be in a bikini for the whole school to look at in the beauty pageant. (Whips off her shirt and pants.) What’s the funny look on your face, Gunther? Oh, I forgot I’m wearing my lace panties. They’re almost see-through. Will that effect how the gown looks? Gunther? Gunther? Take a breath, Gunther. Now I’ll step into the gown and you pull it up for me. Yes, from the front.

    (Gunther is now shaking like a leaf, sweating like a sandhog, snot is dripping from his nose and his teeth are chattering. Luann is smirking.)

    LUANN: Okay Gunther, you’ve got it up to my waist, now pull hard to get it over my bust — I mean (Luann bats her eyes) my breasts. After all, we’ve adults, Gunther, aren’t we, almost? Now I’ll lift my arms over my head so you can fit the bodice into place and get my — breasts into it Oooo! You made it very tight, Gunther (Luann smiles and licks her lips). I must be growing up. Gunther, you’re such a, a, a . . . Nice Guy.

    GUNTHER: G-g-g-g-g a-a-a-ack! (Gunther falls over into a dead faint from his hyperventilating.)

    LUANN: Awwww. Poor boy. (Admires herself in the mirror.) Good enough for now. I’ll just take and leave him to recover. Too bad he isn’t a judge. (Smirks again.)

    GUNTHER: (From the floor, his spastic eyes follow Luann’s ankles as she walks away; a stain appears at his crotch.)

    Can Luann be a bigger bitch than Evans has ever shown before? Why, yes she can!

  5. CanuckDownSouth
    March 27th, 2011 at 3:14 pm [Reply]

    But if Sophie manages to snag Derek Wilcox by extravagant, potlatch-esque uses of her wealth, she’ll wind up with a shallow gigolo-in-training boyfriend who cares only about her wealth… oh, wait – her parental models Sam ‘n Abbey. Carry on!

  6. Mike Trailmix
    March 27th, 2011 at 3:19 pm [Reply]

    Family Circus–How many kids do you know who are shorter than the tire of a car?

  7. Mark
    March 27th, 2011 at 3:19 pm [Reply]

    And WTF has Slim done to that poor theater seat?

  8. Jim North
    March 27th, 2011 at 3:20 pm [Reply]

    Crimestoppers: For a while, my brother and his lady lived in a house that had previously been used as a drug den for several years until the cops did a raid and arrested everyone living there. Like the house in the ol’ textbook here, it was a run down rural affair out in the middle of the boonies. Though it wasn’t actually abandoned, it certainly looked like it had been, and there was plenty of paraphernalia around. Due to the massive number of hidey-holes that the cops never found, there was also plenty of stuff to use with the paraphernalia.

    Or at least there would have been if the previous tenants themselves hadn’t apparently forgotten about the hidey-holes, leaving the drugs to go stale and rot over the years.

    Fun house, tho’. Always something new to find.

  9. The Not So Great Old One
    March 27th, 2011 at 3:21 pm [Reply]

    Watch out Cherry, that Spider is about to push that urn off the shelf! Dam arachnaid vandal!

  10. This Guy
    March 27th, 2011 at 3:21 pm [Reply]

    GA:
    You don’t have to be a prostitute
    No no no no no
    You can say “no” to being a man-ho

  11. Chance
    March 27th, 2011 at 3:25 pm [Reply]

    You know, with all the (justified) griping and snarking everyone does here, it’s nice to accentuate the positive once in a while: Judge Parker has very good art. Heck, I’m cheered when the art in newspaper comics looks like someone actually put effort into it. (Not so fast, there, Crock.)

    Also, “The Noxious Melonheads” would be a good pop-punk band name.

  12. Mibbitmaker
    March 27th, 2011 at 3:25 pm [Reply]

    A3G: The “Suddenly” panel is the funniest one in soap comics today!

    Edison Lee: That cow is cross-eyed!! Wow, that’s really, really WACKY!!!!

    MW: Please tell me this means this leaden propaganda is FINALLY OVER!!!

    S-M: A spider surprised — a reader bored.

    JP: “And she’ll be the one sharing the silk pajamas, satin sheets, and multi-million-dollar penthouse suite with him, and not ME!” *

  13. Calico
    March 27th, 2011 at 3:33 pm [Reply]

    FC – I thought at first that the house in the background was actually a large palette of Ms. Keith’s belongings on top of the car, as she has had it living in the Keane neighborhood, and is going to live in Alaska instead.

  14. Digger
    March 27th, 2011 at 3:34 pm [Reply]

    MT: Geez, Cherry, you’re supposed to spray that stuff on the spiders, not sniff it yourself. Oh well, she looks like she’s plenty wired now. Mark will have even more trouble than usual fending off her physical advances.

    JP: The reason Honey is so popular with the boys is because in the minds of most teenage boys, the name Honey = Easy Score. If Sophie wants to compete she should consider taking on a nickname like Bambi.

    GA: I noticed a lot of empty seats around Slim and Clovia. Hmmm, there could be a B.O. problem here, and my money’s on Slim.

  15. Calico
    March 27th, 2011 at 3:38 pm [Reply]

    Aaaahhhh Mary you are just going crazy with not knowing everything, aren’t you?
    HAHAHAHAHA
    Meanwhile, Dawn and Wilbur share another incestuous moment.

    MT – Be careful with that can of DDT, Cherry!

    DtM – Oh, given the color of his pif, I now see how Henry spends his afternoons.

  16. NoahSnark
    March 27th, 2011 at 3:38 pm [Reply]

    The Keane kids, having learned that Mommy will accept their stories without bothering to check if they are true, are finally free to accept that van ride from the hobo with all the free candy.

  17. ElkMeadow
    March 27th, 2011 at 3:38 pm [Reply]

    @Mark (#7):

    My thoughts exactly. The loss of perspective must be oozing over from MT and MW.

  18. Chip
    March 27th, 2011 at 3:39 pm [Reply]

    @Erich (#3):

    If those word balloons were switched, I’d have to wonder if Clovia and Slim ventured into an X-Rated movie theater!

  19. Doug Puthoff
    March 27th, 2011 at 3:42 pm [Reply]

    MT–Unless, of course, the spider is radioactive. Then you will be spending the rest of your life watching TV and whining!

  20. Calico
    March 27th, 2011 at 3:43 pm [Reply]

    @CanuckDownSouth (#5):
    “potlatch-esque uses of her wealth”
    Awesome. Phrasing. Sophie SMASH! : )
    Did you ever read “I Heard the Owl Call My Name”?

  21. Mal
    March 27th, 2011 at 3:44 pm [Reply]

    @Mark (#7):

    Apparently Slim’s so fat, Scancarelli had to break out the fisheye pens. That or he just lost interest in maintaining perspective starting around Slim’s right knee. It’s like the the people on the (stage) right side of the theatre are watching a totally different screen!

  22. ArchieNemesis
    March 27th, 2011 at 3:46 pm [Reply]

    Let us summarize the current Mark Trail storyline, shall we?

    The Feds ask well-known journalist Mark Trail to go undercover as himself, and investigate
    diamond smuggling at a hurricane-prone fishing camp in a swamp (or possibly the ocean).
    Mark jumps at the chance to flee his tedious home life. A 1970′s-sitcom-style miscommunication
    ensues between Mark, Cherry, and Mr. Roper (I mean, Doc).

    So naturally, his clingy, bubble-headed wife, and his tarted-up fellow journalist, rush to the
    fishing camp, where Mark does his level best to expose himself to his fishing guide. A series of
    window-peeping incidents leads the diamond smuggler to flee (I mean, who wouldn’t?).
    When Mark goes in hot pursuit, the chick with the rhyming name forgets to tell Mark
    that he is still tied to a dock.

    This results in the first of many concussions that render Mark’s already questionable judgement
    even crappier. Alone, and far from shore, Mark taunts, then attempts to single-handedly arrest
    the armed smuggler. From a rocking rowboat in heavy seas, diamond-smuggler, ascot-wearer,
    and marksman-extraordinaire Ben Smith shoots Mark in the head. Mark’s incredibly bony
    cranium deflects the bullet, which knocks Mark out, for probably the 50th time in his life.
    As Mark drifts in rough waters, his facial hair sees the light of day for the first time ever.

    While Frosty McSideburns is telling Mark’s wife that Mark is pretty much dead, and Kelly is
    inexplicably confessing her desire to bone the disappointingly flaccid Mark, he is rescued by
    a hot bosomy widow, who nurses him back to health (and who knows what else while we’re
    not looking). She then dresses Mark in her dead husband’s clothes.

    Mark, for no particular reason, makes a highly-risky surveillance of his surroundings.
    He finds himself on the island of classic fedoras. Here, nefarious henchmen, led by a
    direct descendant of Otto Von Bismarck and financed by drug money,
    are probably conducting Boys-From-Brazil Nazi cloning. So Mark sends the hot widow
    off to steal from a known murderer and potential rapist, while he chills with her daughter,
    who is no doubt mentally scarred from witnessing her father’s murder and mother’s subjugation,
    and will make a highly-stable companion for Rusty when she is eventually brought back to
    Lost Forest, which is probably Mark’s ill-conceived plan.

    (Then, to top it all off, the Sunday strip features a thinly-disguised shout-out to Peter Parker:
    “Spiders aren’t merely unlikeable – if you play the statistics just right, they can actually be
    proven useful!”)

    Because we get only small daily doses of the Mark Trail comic strip, drawn in a
    wholesome 1950′s style, the insanity of the plotline can get lost, unless you call attention
    to it, which has apparently become my purpose in life. Does Jack Elrod even realize how
    little sense this story makes? My guess is that he does not. Perhaps it would be more
    appropriate if this strip was drawn in the crazed, lurid style of former Dick Tracy artist,
    Dick Locher.

    Meanwhile, elsewhere on the comics pages, Karen Moy mocks us to our faces. You know that
    each Mary Worth snark from the Curmudgeons brings another retaliatory round of oil paintings,
    kites, and Wilbur and Dawn marching around arm-in-arm, don’t you? All we can do is get angrier
    and angrier. For God’s sake, stop the MW snark, and maybe Moy will stop torturing us.
    This can’t go on.

  23. Baka Gaijin
    March 27th, 2011 at 3:50 pm [Reply]

    Judge Parker: Sophie, if you really, truly, cross your heart and hope to eat a pie, truly want to get Derek, learn how to shoot ping-pong balls from your hoo-hoo.

  24. Baka Gaijin
    March 27th, 2011 at 3:54 pm [Reply]

    @ArchieNemesis (#22): Archie, this is too long for the COTW nomination but it’ll definitely fit in the “and featuring” float annex.

  25. Harry F
    March 27th, 2011 at 3:55 pm [Reply]

    Aw Clovia. It’s because you have the face of a blow up doll and I have no idea where you been.

  26. Calico
    March 27th, 2011 at 3:57 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#23):
    “That’s my ping-pong ball trick!”
    Dun dun duuun duuun duuun!

  27. Stroker Ace
    March 27th, 2011 at 3:57 pm [Reply]

    GA – Slim! You cannot re-enact the popcorn scene from ‘Diner’ w/ two tubs of popcorn! It’s about sharing.

  28. Maggie the Cat
    March 27th, 2011 at 3:58 pm [Reply]

    @Harry F (#25):

    True that! She does look like a blow up doll.

  29. CanuckDownSouth
    March 27th, 2011 at 4:06 pm [Reply]

    @Calico (#20): Nope – I heard of IHaOCmN, but have never read it. A state of affairs I *wish* I had managed to maintain with Pibgorn…

  30. John C Fremont
    March 27th, 2011 at 4:07 pm [Reply]

    @Aviatrix (#yy282): In the interest of full disclosure, I thought my wife was a wallaby when we first met. (Wallabies are known for their non-Plugger ways.) The fact that she had a ’72 Dodge Dart that looked just like my old one, but with faded paint & that had to be started by putting a hairbrush handle in the choke (Oh, how I wish I was kidding!) should have been my first clue.

    I used to think that knowing about old cars made me a motorhead – no, not like Lemmy, the other kind of motorhead – but now, well, I’ll just be down in the basement listening to some old 78′s and drooling over paint samples from Menards.

    Saturday’s Momma – Sure, she has no mouth, but that’s quite the gravity-defying rack.

    Huh. Tina No-Mouth. Bassist for the Physically-impossible-to-be-Talking Heads? No, that’s terrible. I refuse to say it. Looks a little like William Holden though.

    D’oh!

  31. Filthy Assistant
    March 27th, 2011 at 4:08 pm [Reply]

    Would Pop Korn be Korn’s more radio-friendly efforts, such as Freak On A Leash?

  32. Sequitur
    March 27th, 2011 at 4:12 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#23):

    …shoot ping-pong balls from your hoo-hoo.

    I thought that was a clown trick?!

  33. Sequitur
    March 27th, 2011 at 4:16 pm [Reply]

    I notice that Gagoline Alley brought background people over from Apartment GGG to fill in the audience.

  34. commodorejohn
    March 27th, 2011 at 4:24 pm [Reply]

    A3G – Oh my God, is he a hobo theater critic!?

    Crock – If your jokes are so…not jokes at all that even your characters are looking at the audience with an expression of “God, what did I do to deserve this?”, it’s probably time to call it a day, career-wise.

    FC – One of these days, Thel thinks to herself, some schmuck will go along with the kids’ request, and in their mad rush they’ll lodge themselve irremovably into the victim’s upholstery. Then she will be free!

    FG – Just goes to show: the Kool-Aid Man trick is for trained professionals only, kids.

    FW – What a worthless piece of shit this storyline is.

    JP – Blah blah blah blah blah, but what lovingly-illustrated horses.

    Luann – How to kiss, eh? Well, maybe you could just experiment and FIGURE IT THE FUCK OUT FOR YOURSELF, but I suppose you can’t possibly do that because it might accidentally advance some of the plot threads in this strip.

    MT – Oh, Mark Trail is just so much awesome. Where do I begin? The panel with Cherry’s bug-eyed (and inexplicably tassel-hatted) freakout? The panel with the evil bee and the spiders going “fuck you, bee, we’re humanity’s friends!“? The grasshopper looming in the frame like a Bert I. Gordon flick? Oh, how could I even choose? I love it all.

    MW – Read these panels with the direct references to art taken out, and I swear it’s a “girl’s first lesbian fling” story.

    Phantom – It may not have been the best arrangement to introduce a separate Sunday storyline involving the Python when he’s already co-starring in the dailies, guys.

    Pluggers – Shared truck vibrations are the most action Plugger couples have had in years.

    PV – Arn, the…the facial hair just doesn’t work. Please change it. (Also, damn, Aleta is awesome/hot/awesome.)

    SF – I love this strip.

    SM – Boy, wouldn’t it help if Spidey had any kind of precognitive danger sense?

  35. Baka Gaijin
    March 27th, 2011 at 4:29 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#32): WHAAAAAAA??? No!

  36. little me
    March 27th, 2011 at 4:30 pm [Reply]

    MaryW “Oh dad, this has been such a wonderful day! I dont want it to ever end…and you know, I need to do a little shopping. Would you like to go with me?”

    “Of course, pumpkin, where would you like to go?”

    “Well, ‘Gretchen’s Secret’ down at the SantaRoyMall is having a big sale and I did get their new catalogue in the mail this week. Maybe you could help me pick out a few things? Oh, please say yes, dad!”

    “Yes.”

    ——–

    “That was a great walk, dad. Thanks so much for spending some real quality time with me today”

    “Oh it was a treat for me too, pumpkin! But you know, I’ve sure built up an appetite, walking all the way to the end of the block and back. I could use a little snack right now.”

    “Well, lets go on in then. I bought some mangoes and oysters at the SantaRoyMart yesterday. And since you’re so beat from our little walk, I’ll feed them to you myself. How about that?”

    “Yes.”

    ———

    “You know dad, Toby said I’m really coming along in my art lessons. She thinks I should try doing some figure drawing, too.”

    “Oh, pumpkin, I’m so proud of you! I knew you could find some creative outlets that didn’t involve that nasty old internet and tweetering.”

    “And you were right, dad! Thanks for not giving up on me…but you see, I need to find a model to pose for me while I draw, and it has to be someone not embarrassed to take off their clothes. Toby says Professor Ian poses for her all the time. You should see her sketches! But wherever am I going to find someone to pose for me?”

    “Yes!”

  37. Baka Gaijin
    March 27th, 2011 at 4:33 pm [Reply]

    @little me (#36): Uh uh uh QLUNQ! [the sound of Baka's brain seizing up].

  38. Scott Bot
    March 27th, 2011 at 4:33 pm [Reply]

    Pluggers – Are too damned cheap to pay extra for tire balancing.

  39. Swordsmith
    March 27th, 2011 at 4:38 pm [Reply]

    SS: Well they do call it stone soup.

    S4th: Sometimes I think this is the best strip still being published. Today is one of those days. Particularly love the man with no name reference.

    A3G: Iris, who I know is the aunt of the star and songwriter for the musical I’m directing? I’m shocked to see you here accompanying important celebrity that I assume everyone knows. Because it wouldn’t make any sense for Tommie, who both stars and writes the music for said musical, to arrange that. Nope, my natural assumption is that this is an outlandish coincidence. Hilarity is sure to ensue when I discover that it -is- an outlandish coincidence.

    B&C: I don’t think Pastis is really patient zero… but he’s certainly a carrier,

    FBvFW: I never left those emergency numbers for the sitter, because the correct thing to do is call 911, and even my kids knew that number. Then I realized this is reboot, maybe its set so far in the distant past that you actually had to leave this list?

    Frazz: Socks? I’m unable to make sense of today’s strip.

    MT: 2 million is not an astronomical figure, but 200 million is? I’ve always wondered where that line was drawn. The best I could do on the net seemed to indicate that numbers larger than the number of inches in 24 light years were astronomical. As a subnote, I’ve always assumed MT Sunday strips were freestanding, but look, he’s wearing his “native wear” hat!

    NS: First Luann features his daughter, and now Sergio gets to do a guest strip in NS!

    OBH: Ooops, Artist formerly known as Ben called it.

    DT Crimestopper: Again with the crime. Doesn’t Curtis know the “crimestopper” here is meant ironically, like Menace and Horrible?

    DT: I’ve got to hand it to Stanton though.

  40. demoncat
    March 27th, 2011 at 4:49 pm [Reply]

    slim is not wanting to kiss Clovia because it would mean he would miss out eating all the theatre stuff. since food is his own true love. fc the little girl smile is saying yey i will have some friends to keep the car trip from being boring. the mother look is oh why god did i do to have those mellon heads come wanting to take them for a ride. the horror i do not deserve.

  41. Sequitur
    March 27th, 2011 at 4:50 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#35): Hmmm. Ping pong balls. No, I must have been thinking about breakfast.

  42. Scott Bot
    March 27th, 2011 at 4:52 pm [Reply]

    MW – ‘So far she’s been a quick study and she’s eager to learn – which unfortunately doesn’t make up for her complete lack of talent.’

  43. Bud
    March 27th, 2011 at 4:56 pm [Reply]

    “Sure kids! Go for a ride with Mrs. Keith! And don’t worry about car seats for each of you; not providing any will just show her how much of a complete bitch I *really* am!”

  44. Sequitur
    March 27th, 2011 at 4:58 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#35): Or, maybe I was right the first time.

  45. Baka Gaijin
    March 27th, 2011 at 5:09 pm [Reply]

    Sequitur: I’m not clicking either link. It’s almost bedtime. I’m not sure what’s waiting at the other end but I’m not risking seeing Elly Foob and ping-pong balls.

  46. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    March 27th, 2011 at 5:13 pm [Reply]

    @Digger (#14): re JP, there’s a tradition involving cheerleaders named Bambi. . . .

    (although, it was the actress who was named Bambi, not the character. oh well, close enough!)

  47. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    March 27th, 2011 at 5:15 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#45): April, maybe, but why, why, WHY did it have to be Micheal?

    *sobs*

  48. Sequitur
    March 27th, 2011 at 5:16 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#45): Oh, go on and click. You know you really want to. Besides, they’re rated PG. Just like this movie.

  49. Doctor Handsome
    March 27th, 2011 at 5:22 pm [Reply]

    Many don’t like spiders and think that they are out to get us, but the fact is that they’re lazy cowards who would rather watch TV all day than fight anyone.

  50. ArchieNemesis
    March 27th, 2011 at 5:24 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#24): I felt strangely empty after my lengthy rant this morning. Maybe I’m trying too hard to get on the float.
    Thanks for your offer of letting me ride on the annex. Maybe I can hitch a trailer to a bumper to house my extra large entry. I will toss a few cheap fedoras to the spectators.

  51. Dagger
    March 27th, 2011 at 5:27 pm [Reply]

    The Crimestoppers guide today looks more like it’s saying, “Abandoned rural homes are great for burning down in a victimless crime! Come on, it’s way out there and the fire department’s going to torch it for practice eventually. You know you want to, DO IT. And even if it has a meth lab in it, you’ll just be taking some junkies off the street, and all those chemicals will turn the fire colors! Such lovely colors…”

  52. Aviatrix
    March 27th, 2011 at 5:28 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#23): Shooting ping pong balls from your hoo hoo should be done while wearing assless chaps.

  53. Dood
    March 27th, 2011 at 5:34 pm [Reply]

    Memo to Spiderman: If you ever go up against a doe-eyed brunette wearing a bandanna and brandishing a 1950s flyswatter and a canister of DDT, be wary. Be very wary.

  54. Sequitur
    March 27th, 2011 at 5:42 pm [Reply]

    @Dood (#53): Isn’t that one of the games he plays with Mary Jane?

  55. Aviatrix
    March 27th, 2011 at 5:48 pm [Reply]

    @Swordsmith (#39):
    1. There are some babysitting events that fall between waiting until the parents get home and calling 9-1-1.
    2. If your kid is in the ER they may need to get a hold of you for permission to operate.
    3. As recently as 2006, I lived in a Canadian community that did not have 9-1-1 service. You had to memorize or keep by the phone separate numbers for police, ambulance and fire. It was useful if you also had the home phone number of an actual police officer, because the police after-hours number was a toll-free line answered in a city several hundred kilometres away, where they wouldn’t understand if you said, “Wally is liquored up and he’s heading for Nina’s place again.” They always want street addresses. “He’s on the STREET, right outside Ralph and Cindy’s place, on his sled. Or maybe that’s Ian’s sled.”

  56. S. Stout
    March 27th, 2011 at 5:54 pm [Reply]

    GA: Popcorn isn’t a trademarked word. You don’t need to spell it as Pop Korn. Although, if the author did think that was the spelling then a lot of things would make sense about this strip.

  57. Sequitur
    March 27th, 2011 at 5:54 pm [Reply]

    @Aviatrix (#55): What? Wait. Wally is liquored up and he’s heading for Nina’s place again?

    Oh, damn. I better move the pickup.

  58. Joe Btfsplk
    March 27th, 2011 at 6:00 pm [Reply]

    Gasoline Alley – In a rare bit of realism for this strip, even though the theater is packed, still no one will sit near these two. Except for that one guy behind them, who must be new in town.

  59. Sequitur
    March 27th, 2011 at 6:00 pm [Reply]

    @S. Stout (#56): Pop Korn isn’t just for eatin’ anymore.

  60. Swordsmith
    March 27th, 2011 at 6:01 pm [Reply]

    @Aviatrix (#55): Emergency numbers like “my cell number” or before that was common “the number of the restaurant we’re going to, and the movie theater”, and maybe “our friend who lives nearby in case you can’t reach us” sure… but none of those numbers would make the joke work. If you need to call poison control, fire department, or police, for an emergency, then you call 911. They contact the correct people and simultaneously record your call and find your address. And that’s been the case since the 90s, at least everywhere I’ve lived since then, which is when I had kids-in-need-of-sitter.

    However, I not only forgot that this is now taking place in what, the 70s? But also as you now point out, in Canada. 2006? Pretty amazing.

  61. Vince M
    March 27th, 2011 at 6:03 pm [Reply]

    @John C Fremont (#30): Just for the record, I had a ’72 Dart too – posh as a Dart gets, with a vinyl roof, cloth interior and steel wheels. Probably my favorite car ever. I’ll get a vintage car someday, but not before I get something new-tech I can depend on.

  62. Red Greenback
    March 27th, 2011 at 6:07 pm [Reply]

    Matchbox Scratch Panels was a decent enough band, but they really improved when they became Matchbox Scratch Panels Featuring Chaka Khan. Then IMO, really went downhill when they were known as Matchbox “Cougar” Scratch Panels.

  63. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    March 27th, 2011 at 6:11 pm [Reply]

    @Mark B (#y299): It’s kind of odd to me that the plane is guarded by two men, but the key to the plane is hanging on a rack next to the outside door in plain sight.
    Everything Otto knows about security, he learned from the Seven Dwarfs.

  64. Jim North
    March 27th, 2011 at 6:16 pm [Reply]

    @Red Greenback (#62): Scratch so good . . . come on, baby, scratch that panel good . . . sometimes meth don’t cook like it should, you gotta (dun dun) scratch so good . . .

  65. Red Greenback
    March 27th, 2011 at 6:17 pm [Reply]

    @Jim North (#64): Yeah, they were really into the lye when that one came out.

  66. bats :[
    March 27th, 2011 at 6:20 pm [Reply]

  67. Mac
    March 27th, 2011 at 6:21 pm [Reply]

    When I saw that Dick Tracy panel, I figured the new creative team was going to offer tips on arson-for-profit.

  68. bats :[
    March 27th, 2011 at 6:23 pm [Reply]

    @commodorejohn (#34): re A3G: how is a hobo theatre critic paid? I’m thinking “in chicken,” but it’s probably closer to being “the promise of chicken.”

    Balls.

  69. Here Come ole Flattop
    March 27th, 2011 at 6:25 pm [Reply]

    For those with the ping pong ball fetish, rather than going to the PI, go to Thailand when the fleet visits. You’ll see things that’ll keep you awake at night. Or, so I’m told. I’ve never set foot in those open-air bars in any place like that. Nope, not ever.

  70. bats :[
    March 27th, 2011 at 6:26 pm [Reply]

    @Here Come ole Flattop (#69): so you’re saying that you just read a lot, right? :)

  71. Sequitur
    March 27th, 2011 at 6:27 pm [Reply]

    @bats :[ (#66): You mentioned “THAT RUSTY THING!” I’m sure Mark has one of those. Ask Cherry.

  72. Sequitur
    March 27th, 2011 at 6:32 pm [Reply]

    @Here Come ole Flattop (#69): Now I wish that when Mark got knocked out by a bullet he had floated off to Thailand instead of Miami Beach.

  73. Red Greenback
    March 27th, 2011 at 6:35 pm [Reply]

    @Here Come ole Flattop (#69): There was a great scene about hoo hoo ping pong ball shooting in the movie The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert.

  74. commodorejohn
    March 27th, 2011 at 6:36 pm [Reply]

    @bats :[ (#68): Hmm, good question. I was thinking more along the lines of cheap whiskey, myself…

  75. Écureuil Écumant
    March 27th, 2011 at 6:39 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#57): Don’t forget, the hairbrush handle’s in the glovebox.

  76. ratnerstar
    March 27th, 2011 at 6:56 pm [Reply]

    Spiders are one of our staunchest allies, huh? I don’t see them running any sorties over Libya.

    Also, why is Mark’s forehead shooting red goo all over Cherry’s hair?

  77. Sequitur
    March 27th, 2011 at 6:58 pm [Reply]

    @Écureuil Écumant (#75): Does that help with the hoo hoo balls?

  78. Sequitur
    March 27th, 2011 at 7:06 pm [Reply]

    Thanks to ya’ll I now know where Captain Kangaroo got those ping pong balls!

  79. Some Guy
    March 27th, 2011 at 7:08 pm [Reply]

    I am shocked — shocked, I tell you — that no-one has added the obvious Tommy the Tweaker reference to that Crimestoppers panel.

    Abandonded country houses are often used as … my very own meth lab!

  80. Alison
    March 27th, 2011 at 7:14 pm [Reply]

    I don’t think that’s a real live child in the backseat of the Keith car. It’s a Cabbage Patch Kid. The hair, the nose, the shape of the head, everything about it screams Cabbage Patch Kid. (Trust me, I was little in the early 1980s, I know this.) I would say the doll is there because sinister Mrs. Keith wants to lure the Keane Kids into her car and abduct them but really, who’d want to do that, you know?

    Sophie looks homicidally angry about this “Honey Ballenger” (seriously, WTF) person. Those aren’t wistful “Damn, I wish I was her” expressions on Sophie’s face, they are seriously angry and disturbing.

  81. gnemec
    March 27th, 2011 at 7:15 pm [Reply]

    The Keith child lives in a world of sepia tones (her mother, her car, even her house), like the beginning of “The Wizard of Oz”, so the bright primary colors of the Keanes are what delight her so.

  82. Uncle Lumpy
    March 27th, 2011 at 7:22 pm [Reply]

    @gnemec (#81):

    … the bright primary colors of the Keanes are what delight her so.

    Halloween XIV — Consumption of the Kandy Keanes

  83. bats :[
    March 27th, 2011 at 7:23 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#78): do you think Aldo Kelrast has a stash of ping pong balls? And if so, where did he obtain them?
    (No, don’t thank me…)

  84. Austria
    March 27th, 2011 at 7:25 pm [Reply]

    A3G: Fanboy mode on!

    BB: Definitely seen this before. How many gags can a person make about a squeaky chair?!

    FW: Whoa, hey, the Japanese in the last panel says “Godzilla.” At first I thought it was just random kana and I could make fun of the gibberish, but he got it right. One point for Batuik.

    HtH: This actually isn’t bad. Huh. I can’t put my finger on it, but….

    MT: AUGH SHOCKING PINK EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK

  85. ElkMeadow
    March 27th, 2011 at 7:32 pm [Reply]

    Looking at the Prince Valiant strip again–maybe Arn would have more brains if he wasn’t wandering around in Father Christmas’s nightshirt.

    Does anyone, anyone? know where son Nathan is?

  86. Sequitur
    March 27th, 2011 at 7:38 pm [Reply]

    @bats :[ (#83): Well, here’s Mary Worth’s reaction when she found out from whence they came.

  87. Poteet
    March 27th, 2011 at 7:49 pm [Reply]

    JP — I seem to recall that Neddie and Sophie were poverty-stricken waifs living out in the woods with their poor sick grandpa in something close to a rotten old tent when they first showed up years ago. I say send them back to the tent and let them scrounge for their meals in dumpsters as punishment for all their annoying whining.

  88. Poteet
    March 27th, 2011 at 7:50 pm [Reply]

    @ElkMeadow (#85): It’s pretty sad that you care and Nathan’s family apparently doesn’t. *sniff*

  89. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    March 27th, 2011 at 7:51 pm [Reply]

    @ElkMeadow (#85): studying in Jerusalem, if I remember a Xmas strip correctly.

  90. Poteet
    March 27th, 2011 at 7:56 pm [Reply]

    DT — Hmm. I have an old decrepit outbuilding on my place, but any tweakers who wanted to use it would have to fight with the very large raccoons. I’d put my money on the raccoons.

  91. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    March 27th, 2011 at 7:58 pm [Reply]

    @Poteet (#90): *bets on the tweaked raccoons*

  92. Poteet
    March 27th, 2011 at 7:59 pm [Reply]

    MT — What is happening on top of Cherry’s head? Is she being attacked by some kind of mutant red starfish?

  93. S. Stout
    March 27th, 2011 at 8:06 pm [Reply]

    @S. Stout (#56):

    Haha, ugh!

  94. Rocky Stoneaxe
    March 27th, 2011 at 8:15 pm [Reply]

  95. Kibo
    March 27th, 2011 at 8:18 pm [Reply]

    I have bottles of lye, matches, and a pressure cooker in my kitchen, ’cause I like to make good pretzels, crème brûlée, and pot roast — though not all at the same time, ’cause then I might accidentally make meth. “Dick Tracy”‘s anti-lye propaganda is one of the reasons you have to make your own pretzels if you want to get good ones these days — at least in the USA, it’s very hard to find a proper lye pretzel, even at those damn mall places that only make pretzels. They’re all lame. Pretzels need to be soaked on the most caustic substance known to humanity in order to be yummy.

    “Crème brûlée” has too many accent marks. May we please have a “Crimestoppers textbook” entry about the dangers of accent marks? Thanks.

  96. Jim North
    March 27th, 2011 at 8:19 pm [Reply]

    @Some Guy (#79): I considered making the reference for a few brief moments, but then I just figured that even if I don’t do it, some guy will.

  97. Frank Lee Meidere
    March 27th, 2011 at 8:25 pm [Reply]

    You’ve got to watch those matchbox scratch pads. When I went to buy some matches at a grocery store a couple of years back, the cashier asked me for my birthday. I asked why, and she pointed to the cash register which had fields for year, day, and month. “For matches?” I said. “You want my birthday so I can buy matches?” She looked at me, then said, “Never mind. I’ll put mine in.”

    Age confirmation for a box of matches. You can never be too safe, you know.

  98. Rocky Stoneaxe
    March 27th, 2011 at 8:33 pm [Reply]

  99. Liam
    March 27th, 2011 at 8:37 pm [Reply]

    FC-The sad thing is that Mrs. Keith is going to drown her child.
    MW-Now we go back to the incestuous implications between Wilbur and Dawn.

  100. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    March 27th, 2011 at 8:39 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#23): When I lived in Subic Bay, the place to go for hoo-hoo-shootin’ shows was Subic City, home of “The Muff Divers Bar.” And the one HHSS I saw involved pisos, not ping-pong balls. So if Sophie is looking to outdo Miss Honey McLimo, richest gal in town, well, I suggest that she focus on the monetary hoo-hoo accoutrement, not the more working-class ping-pong variety.

    In other news, on Friday night I went to a dinner and sat near a guy who is very good friends with one Donna Lewis, ersatz artiste of Reply All. I learned that he’s her good friend after expressing my opinion that the strip is absolutely dreadful, of course. Anyway, he claims to be the model for the male character who showed up last week, and he loves the strip, as a friend should, I guess.

    I’ve realized one of the many, many things that make me loathe this strip (and my conversation with her friend confirmed that realization): All the so-called “jokes” are simply things that ordinary people might say to each other—and not terribly funny ordinary people at that. I hear funnier lines in my workplace daily—and I read funnier stuff on this blog multiple times a day. And I don’t need to look at eye-woundingly bad “art” in those cases, either.

    Add all that to the fact that it’s warmed-over Cathy, perpetuating jokes about irrational women and their irrational eating habits and their irrational dating choices and let’s not forget their irrational shopping compulsion—and that it replaced a perfectly good, well-drawn, character-driven strip in the print WashPost (Watch Your Head)—and I just get pissed off all over again every time I open the comics page and see that abomination in front of me.

    (/end rant)

  101. Rocky Stoneaxe
    March 27th, 2011 at 8:44 pm [Reply]

  102. JD
    March 27th, 2011 at 8:55 pm [Reply]

    When Slim said “those actor guys”, I thought he was gesturing toward the screen, implying they were watching two guys kissing. In Gasoline Alley.

  103. Écureuil Écumant
    March 27th, 2011 at 8:59 pm [Reply]

    JP: I say this with some trepidation, since Josh has revealed his debate club lineage and I don’t know when the paradigm shift occurred. But it’s my understanding that unlike days of yore, current debate competitions mainly consist of writing down as many arguments as you can dream up, then cramming as many words into your allotted time as the human vocal apparatus will permit. Such a concept strikes me as an academic version of binging and puking. Please chastise me if I’m mistaken.

    And, yes, “Reply All”, that miscegenation. Any random one of Petey’s shoebox dioramas would totally bury any example of that strip in nacreous hoo-hoo balls.

  104. Doug Puthoff
    March 27th, 2011 at 9:12 pm [Reply]

    @Doug Puthoff (#19): The Producers of the Spidey musical should it just like the strip, with Peter doing little else but whining at the TV. It would be cheaper, and OSHA would be off their butts.

  105. Uncle Lumpy
    March 27th, 2011 at 9:13 pm [Reply]

    @Écureuil Écumant (#103):

    Debate as oratory died around 1965, with a stake through its heart.

  106. Rusty
    March 27th, 2011 at 9:18 pm [Reply]

    GA: Clovia is being drawn by guest artist Dr. Seuss.

  107. Chip Whittle
    March 27th, 2011 at 9:18 pm [Reply]

    @Austria (#84):

    BB: Definitely seen this before. How many gags can a person make about a squeaky chair?!

    Three. The chair can be annoying by squeaking to the correct party; the chair can fail to annoy despite squeaking; and the chair can fail to squeak.

    However, just because the number of different gags is limited doesn’t mean it can’t be steadily funny. Fibber McGee’s closet door has essentially the same range of jokes, but rarely fails to be funny. It’s all in the presentation, context, and setup.

  108. Peanut Gallery
    March 27th, 2011 at 9:20 pm [Reply]

    @Doug Puthoff (#19): “Spider-Man: Turn Off the Tube”

  109. Pseudo3D
    March 27th, 2011 at 9:21 pm [Reply]

    OK, get this: apparently, in back-woods areas like West Virginia, things that end with an “o” sound had an “r” added to them, so “Hollow” is pronounced “Holler”, which would make perfect sense in the world of Snuffy Smith: they’ve been pronouncing their hometown wrong this entire time.

  110. Peanut Gallery
    March 27th, 2011 at 9:21 pm [Reply]

    @Doug Puthoff (#104): Aw, nuts. I meant my above comment to be in reply to this later Doug Puthoff one. Anyway, you get the idea.

  111. ElkMeadow
    March 27th, 2011 at 9:25 pm [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#89):

    Galen’s in Jerusalem. He is the middle son, and has black hair. When he was young, it was hinted that he would rule the Misty Isles as his mother’s heir. Prince Valiant tried to make him a warrior/knight, but Galen was too busy cutting open lances and learning other stuff, so he was allowed to become a scholar and go wander the world and learn stuff.

    History lesson: Nathan is the youngest son, and, being how he was kidnapped as a baby, and a dead baby left in his stead, and his mother grieved him for a year, there may be a bit of a bonding issue that still needs to be resolved.

    Someone spilled the beans about the baby being alive. (The guy who ordered the kidnapping was one of Queen Aleta’s old beaus, who still couldn’t get over the idea that he was dumped, and worse, wasn’t going to marry into the waterfront properties fortune of the Misty Isles.) Arn went on a quest to go and bring him back, and with him came his foster parents, who had already named him and were raising him as a Jew. His foster parents got jobs in the castle, Aleta decided that the name was okay, and that was the last I remember of them.

    When Nathan was returned, Prince Valiant was on some other quest, so, yeah, there may be a definite lack of bonding, even though the kid looked like Baby Arn, back when Arn had red hair, abs, and wasn’t a wuss stumbling around in a white trimmed nightgown.

    The last time I saw Nathan was about three decades ago. The Little People took the young boy Nathan, as per custom, to live with them for a year and teach him some manners, but I haven’t seen him since.

  112. Joshua
    March 27th, 2011 at 9:33 pm [Reply]

    Dick Locher’s last two “Crimestoppers Textbook” entries were as follows:

    “Be careful not to leave your small pets alone outside. They could easily fall prey to wild animals.”

    “Animals in a vicious fight? Do not interfere. Call for help.”

    Apparently in Locher’s world, an animal can be legally charged with a crime if it kills or fights with another animal. I wonder if the defendant would be tried by a jury of its species.

  113. Sgt. Stoned
    March 27th, 2011 at 9:35 pm [Reply]

    MW: Mary is simultaneously flummoxed and annoyed. Why does Dawn have more time now??? Did somebody actually manage to work out a problem in their life without her meddling? That is unthinkable and totally unacceptable!!

  114. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    March 27th, 2011 at 9:54 pm [Reply]

    @ElkMeadow (#111): ok, I was thinking of Galen, then. Thanks for the info!

  115. BenBen
    March 27th, 2011 at 9:54 pm [Reply]

    Sure, spiders may be our greatest ally in the anti-bug genocide that Mark is determined to carry out, and he may have used ill-gotten government funds to conduct the nation-wide, acre by acre spider census that told him just how strong his arachnid army truly is. But Mark knows spiders are hairy and sport unshaven spider faces; thus the pink rays of psychic control emanating from his head to Cherry’s, forcing her to murder one in broad daylight while he keeps his own hands clean.

  116. Scott Bot
    March 27th, 2011 at 10:12 pm [Reply]

    MT – Yes, Cherry, the spiders are out to get you. But the bug spray and the flyswatter and the red tinfoil hat will keep them from sending those evil radio signals into your brain.

  117. Anonymous
    March 27th, 2011 at 10:18 pm [Reply]

    @Kibo (#95):

    Dick Tracy’s anti-lye propaganda also makes it difficult for those of who are into handmade crafts to make soap, it seems like you literally can’t buy straight lye in a store anymore and have to settle for buying giant 50lb buckets of it online and probably getting put on a government watch list somewhere. :(

  118. Oregonian
    March 27th, 2011 at 10:23 pm [Reply]

    MT – Wake up, people! It’s not Cherry who’s afraid of the spiders. It’s that damn urn on the shelf beside her. Can’t you see it screaming “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!”?

  119. Dennis Jimenez
    March 27th, 2011 at 10:25 pm [Reply]

    MT – I’m FolkNation, but the spiders are my closest allies….

    FC – Mrs. Keith is in for a family affair….

    GA – Clovia should stay away from the crystal, but perhaps it makes Slim more tollerable when he fills his pants….

    DT – Crime Stoppers – If you find somebody with eyes like Clovia, run like hell – don’t fill your pants – she’ll track you down by odor, thinking she’s on the trail of Slim….

    Adios Amigos, DJ.

  120. Poteet
    March 27th, 2011 at 10:28 pm [Reply]

    @Peanut Gallery (#108): *giggles gleefully*

  121. Poteet
    March 27th, 2011 at 10:32 pm [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#98): HAR!!

    Actually, that building looks pretty good compared to what I’ve got, which is an old farm shed with a collapsing roof that is well on the way to reaching the floor. Even the raccoons are threatening to withhold their rent.

  122. Poteet
    March 27th, 2011 at 10:36 pm [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#101): I suppose it’s all wrong that I think he’s kinda cute.

  123. Col. Havoc
    March 27th, 2011 at 10:37 pm [Reply]

    What the he’ll are those people on the right side of the theater looking at? Are there two screens in the same room?

  124. word-doctor
    March 27th, 2011 at 10:49 pm [Reply]

    @Mike Trailmix (#6):

    Those tires aren’t stock. That’s a hopped up Pontiac Bellvedere; the Keiths are going muddin’ and the Keane kids want to go. Dolly’s smuggling meth to the gathering in her Rosie Grier Special cap, while Billy plans to throw his brother’s picture of Richard Petty into the non-portable “Portalet,” hoping for a filthy, dripping Jeffy to emerge and rush the King for an autograph.

  125. Poteet
    March 27th, 2011 at 10:52 pm [Reply]

    MW — I can’t take much more. Surely this was the last day of the Dawn/Wilbur love fest, right? Right? You know you’re desperate when you’re hoping Ian Cameron will suddenly appear.

  126. Aviatrix
    March 27th, 2011 at 10:53 pm [Reply]

    @commodorejohn (#34): Read these panels with the direct references to art taken out, and I swear it’s a “girl’s first lesbian fling” story.

    I love you because that is true, but I hate you because you made me go and reread a week of Mary Worth.

  127. Anonymous
    March 27th, 2011 at 11:21 pm [Reply]

    JP: Dear God, please tell me Wilson and Manley are trying to make us hate Sophie, because that’s the only way anything makes sense. Her mixture of stalking and entitlement is only cute if you can sing like Taylor Swift.

    SFx: While Max is in denial, Sly has accepted their near-certain death from exposure and thirst. Their only hope is to chance upon the BP tanker that recently fouled the water.

  128. Artist formerly known as Ben
    March 27th, 2011 at 11:28 pm [Reply]

    @Anonymous (#127): Oops. That’s me. I erased all my cookies because the Int was running fatally slow for me. Turned out I just needed to update Flash.

  129. commodorejohn
    March 27th, 2011 at 11:30 pm [Reply]

    @Aviatrix (#126): Look on the bright side: at least it wasn’t the whole Wilbur-Dawn incest thing.

  130. Artist formerly known as Ben
    March 27th, 2011 at 11:33 pm [Reply]

    @Anonymous (#117): I hear that some hardware stores still carry lye, including Lowe’s. Although at this point I’d be surprised if there are ten people not on a government watchlist somewhere.

  131. Mooncattie
    March 27th, 2011 at 11:34 pm [Reply]

    JP – I like to think that, over at her mansion, Honey Ballenger is having a snit of her own. “That Sophie has a whole stable of horses! I HATE YOU DADDY!!” Meanwhile Abbey realizes she hasn’t been getting any Wilcox lately either.
    *rimshot*
    (The blonde horse in Panel 3 liked it!)

    GA – I wouldn’t want to sit near those two either.

    A3G – I’m reminded of George Harrison circa All Things Must Pass, only older, and he’s not here, and I miss him.

    MT – What the hell is going on with that hat, Mark??? Or is it Planet Nibiru creeping up from behind? And just in time, says I.

    Luann – Lord help me, but I think changing the MISS PHELPS nameplate to HELP? is kind of cute.

  132. Bill Peschel
    March 27th, 2011 at 11:43 pm [Reply]

    Is it telling that “Reply All” is so unfunny that Josh can’t make a joke about it? Is this the answer to what happens if God makes a rock so big he can’t lift it?

  133. Poteet
    March 27th, 2011 at 11:47 pm [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#100): After your eloquent rant, I just had to go and see for myself. Now I want to stab something.

  134. Hairhead
    March 27th, 2011 at 11:47 pm [Reply]

    Luann – How far into depravity will Evans sink. I refer to seriously having a sixteen-year-old girl who 1) hasn’t kissed enough to know what is a good kiss and 2) who would talk to a SCHOOL COUNSELOR rather than, say, one of her friends, or God knows (Quill) talk to a BOY and get him to practice on her. I mean, I’ve seen more mature girls in movies made in 1945 (consider Velda in “Mildred Pierce” for instance. She wouldn’t need any counselling in how to kiss, how good it was, or what it was all about.)

  135. Artist formerly known as Ben
    March 27th, 2011 at 11:49 pm [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#100): The thing is, while Cathy Hillman née Andrews was petty, self-loathing, and not really someone I’d want to hang out with, I bought her as a character. She could be annoying–hell, “could be”?–but I could see her existing beyond the three panels. With Ms MSPaint-blob, though, I just don’t know who this is supposed to be.

    Is it possible Donna Lewis is trying to do some publishing syndicate version of “Springtime for Hitler”?

  136. Rocky Stoneaxe
    March 27th, 2011 at 11:58 pm [Reply]

    Judge Parker — DEREK WILCOX called… and he wants his name back!

    http://familyguy.wikia.com/wiki/Derek_Wilcox

  137. mdblanche
    March 27th, 2011 at 11:59 pm [Reply]

    PV: Maybe the reason making Draco a court advisor seemed a wise and proper action was because when his lackeys fail him he simply fires them, unlike Prince Valiant who isn’t above killing said lackey when he’s already been disabled. If Val’s supposed to be the hero, this really must be the Dark Ages.

  138. Rocky Stoneaxe
    March 28th, 2011 at 12:12 am [Reply]

    POPEYE’S magazine for “Elder Boys”:

    http://thesartorialist.com/photos/2008_1211_8.jpg

  139. Rocky Stoneaxe
    March 28th, 2011 at 12:20 am [Reply]

    Hi & Lois — Hey, l@@k… COMIC BOOK GUY & BART SIMPSON are on the same flight as the Flagstons! (To quote Jack Paar: “I kid you not!”)

  140. seismic-2
    March 28th, 2011 at 12:32 am [Reply]

    GA: The black hole that is Slim Skinner has so warped the fabric of spacetime in the theater that the rows of seats have twisted into a circle, the aisle next to Slim has squeezed to about 6 inches in width, and the single arm rest between all the other seats appears to be doubled next to him, an optical illusion that is created by gravitational lensing. After nearly 50 years of courtship and marriage, surely Clovia is well aware of these manifestations of Slim’s ever-swelling bulk, yet she has the naivete’ to ask why he doesn’t kiss her, while he is holding a tub of popcorn??? Talk about starting a futile arguement! Fortunately, the vortex of matter swirling into the Skinner Quasar has swept up U.S. Senator Al Franken into the row behind them, so he can intervene in the lovers’ squabble by reminding Slim that “You are good enough, you are smart enough, and doggone it, people… Oh never mind, just shut up and watch the damn movie.”

  141. bats :[
    March 28th, 2011 at 12:36 am [Reply]

    Sometimes you just have to get back to basics. (Also good for steeling yourself against the Monday Morning yahoos…)

  142. Rocky Stoneaxe
    March 28th, 2011 at 12:55 am [Reply]

    Curtis — Your 3D joke didn’t make me laugh, Billingsley, but someone else did:

    http://images.icanhascheezburger.com/completestore/2008/7/9/geneticdysfunct128601201186030182.jpg

  143. Poteet
    March 28th, 2011 at 1:52 am [Reply]

    3/28

    PHANTOM — The Python’s massive upper torso seems to be expanding even further. Perhaps he just constricted and ate a small deer.

    PBS — WIN!!

    S-M — If this is the fiancee, I see such a happy marriage ahead.

  144. Mars
    March 28th, 2011 at 1:52 am [Reply]

    Why is Sophie growing 2 years older every time she appears? Are they trying to get rid of the kids as fast as they can? Without them, the strip will be all Sam, and I stop reading JP every time that extremely boring man gets the camera.

  145. Aviatrix
    March 28th, 2011 at 1:55 am [Reply]

    @Mars (#144): I’m not sure I know which one is Sam. It’s all about tits and horses for me, and recently Angel, too.

  146. Frank Lee Meidere
    March 28th, 2011 at 1:55 am [Reply]

    March 28

    Crock: Who hit what, here? “Swat” suggests that the guy swatted the blue bird, but if that’s the case, why is the guy also on the ground, like he’s just been knocked down? And what the hell does Sammy Kaye’s “Chickery Chick” polka have to do with the blue bird? It’s about a chicken, fer cryin’ out loud! And how many people even know Sammy Kaye’s “Chickery Chick” polka? I certainly didn’t until I looked it up to see if possibly it had something to do with blue birds. Which it doesn’t. Since it’s about a chicken.

  147. Frank Lee Meidere
    March 28th, 2011 at 1:56 am [Reply]

    March 28

    MW: You know what I wish? I wish the writers of Mary Worth would tell us what they think about the Internet. That’s what I wish.

  148. Frank Lee Meidere
    March 28th, 2011 at 2:01 am [Reply]

    March 28

    Edison Lee: It’s funny because people are dying in the mideast.

  149. Lisa
    March 28th, 2011 at 2:03 am [Reply]

    Can they get losing of the lottery ticket over with? The suspense is killing me, by which I mean, I’m going to die of boredom.

  150. KarMann
    March 28th, 2011 at 2:11 am [Reply]

    3/28 Rubes is all for bats :[ today!

  151. moe99
    March 28th, 2011 at 2:13 am [Reply]

    Ok, here’s my prediction for Rex Morgan. Berna is going to get beat up and sent to a hospital. Not until then will her brother relent on his quest to acquire half the lottery winnings with no strings attached.

  152. Frank Lee Meidere
    March 28th, 2011 at 2:13 am [Reply]

    @Lisa (#149): They’re going to find the ticket gone. Or that it’s not a winner. Or whatever. And we’re going to be all like, “Wow! Who saw that coming? Aside from everybody!” And then we’re going to have three weeks of them looking at the ticket. Or the empty envelope. Or, if we’re really, really lucky, the dead bodies of Berna and Dex as June says, “I just couldn’t take it anymore!” And Rex Morgan says, “Of course not, dear. None of us could.”

  153. John C Fremont
    March 28th, 2011 at 6:12 am [Reply]

    MT – Those two really ought to get some goofy wide brimmed hats so they will look more like the native men.

    In terms of punching, a cigar’s as good as facial hair, right? Mark-a GoGoGo!

  154. SideshowJon
    March 28th, 2011 at 6:52 am [Reply]

    While I dig how Dick Tracy’s Crimestopper panel is encouraging ordinary people to seek out meth labs in the country (like Geo-caching, but with more meth-raged stabbing!), don’t let it distract you from the true weirdness of Sunday’s Dick Tracy: His new Leprechaun sidekick/chauffeur.

  155. Mooncattie
    March 28th, 2011 at 7:29 am [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#100):
    My heavens! I’ve just gone back over the past ten days of this “comic strip”. Whoever distributes the Ink on this planet has a lot to answer for.
    (Reply All can use the above for free)

  156. Rocky Stoneaxe
    March 28th, 2011 at 7:45 am [Reply]

  157. Jessy
    March 28th, 2011 at 7:57 am [Reply]

    JP examines the plight of the underprivileged teen: “She had a limo with a driver, and all I have is this stable full of horses!”

  158. Little Guy
    March 28th, 2011 at 7:58 am [Reply]

    I went out this weekend kite-flying. So, it’s a bit of a catchup…..

    Previous JP: “What does she have that I don’t?” “T-I-T-S… TITS! TITS! TITS!”

    “Never her of her. Never heard of him.” “Yeah, this isn’t a Greg Evans strip. We actually have new characters.”

    yBarney and Clyde: Please let the Pastis virus spread on and on.

    yGA: “Why should I kiss my GILF of a wife?” And hence we now know that Slim lost his junk in a horrible accident during one of his hair-brain schemes.

    Dilbert: Flattop cameo!

    S-M: Perpetuating the “Creepy-nerdy guy gets the hot wife” axiom.

    Zits: After complaining about the two-day arc, we’re treated to a two week arc on texting. I’m okay with this.

    Curtis: Tuesday – “We have to pay bills! We’re so broke!” “Greg, give me money for something frivilous or I’ll give you the stinkeye.” “Yes, my wife-who-let-her-cashcow-opportunity-fade-away.”

  159. Terry in Maryland
    March 28th, 2011 at 8:00 am [Reply]

    Phantom: I’m guessing this is all supposed to balance out his behavior over the last couple of months. See, Stripey can put on his big boy leotards once in a while!

    MW: “Mary, you would be SO proud of me! I badgered her until she gave up the one thing that gives her pleasure!”

  160. Little Guy
    March 28th, 2011 at 8:07 am [Reply]

    @Frank Lee Meidere (#yy295): Especially if you have an older sibling, you could be 40-ish and still have an affinity for Jim Croce.

    And this joke was funny first when the device was a Walkman.

  161. Debidawg
    March 28th, 2011 at 8:12 am [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#100): I too, went and looked – you’ve certainly got us all on your side this morning!

  162. wossname
    March 28th, 2011 at 8:20 am [Reply]

    BB – Clearly, the rules of engagement in the Beetleverse say “If there’s incoming fire, don’t defend your position, don’t take cover, don’t find your weapons – just run.” But seriously, this is the first time I can remember any actual combat in BB. Who would be bombing/strafing/RPGing Camp Swampy? Who are they fighting, anyway?

    DT – I am still loving this art and pacing.

    Doones – Oh good, Trudeau must be back from his USO tour or whatever he was doing. I hope we stay with this storyline for a while because I’m all agog waiting to see what happens to Red Rascal in Afghanistan.

    FW – So is that a 7-year-old with a goatee? I can’t decide whether it creeps me out, or just reminds me of a kid playing with glue and cat hair.

    PBS – …but I know Smokey the Bear’s eyes are creeping me out. Stop it, Pastis!

    GT – I can’t believe no one here has had anything to say about the blonde in the center of the audience.

    @Frank Lee Meidere (#97): Re age confirmation to buy matches – I had to give ‘em my age the other day to buy that compressed air stuff one uses to get cat hair out of the keyboard. Apparently they figure nobody over 21 would make meth or huff compressed air.

  163. S. Stout
    March 28th, 2011 at 8:22 am [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#59):

    Oops, I accidentally laughed at my own comment earlier, I mean to laugh at yours.

  164. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    March 28th, 2011 at 8:26 am [Reply]

    @Uncle Lumpy (#105): My heart sinks just a bit whenever a student proudly tells me that he or she was a debater in high school. I know that I can look forward to plenty of yes/no, black/white thinking, as well as arguments whose sole purpose is to defeat some other, oppositional perspective, instead of exploring a complex issue with nuanced thinking.

  165. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    March 28th, 2011 at 9:25 am [Reply]

    Frazz: works as well as the traditional “pick which mascot would win” method.

    A&J: d’awwwwwwwwwww! *sniffle*

    CdS: Petey is thinking of something other than soccer balls, perhaps conflating baseballs and golfballs. also, Heee! @ Loris joke.

    IP: *snurk!*

    Lio: because a monster’s mouth would be trite and overplayed.

    rMC: Kevin Sloth, YAY!!!

    9CL: it’s called a cutlass. . . .

    Bizarro: emo unicorn is emo.

    JP: “Bad Acne” is NOT a good name for a band.

    JUMBLE: too easy

    Luann: by which, she means Sven the masseuse from the Sunday OtH . . .

    Zits: parents, irony, pot, kettle, black, amirite?

  166. CanuckDownSouth
    March 28th, 2011 at 9:27 am [Reply]

    Hey Phantom! If you want Python to hurry up and decide, why don’t you explain what the options are? Because “shoot at the possible hallucination” is sounding less and less unreasonable with every panel.

  167. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    March 28th, 2011 at 9:29 am [Reply]

    a further thought:

    if the funny papers are supposed to be about unicorns and rainbows, then today’s 9CL and Bizarro taken together pretty much ruin that theory forever.

  168. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    March 28th, 2011 at 9:35 am [Reply]

    Crock – To the mystification of the majority of its readers, Crock invokes a song I’d been hearing bits and pieces of for years. I finally got the sheet music for it the other day and realized that it’s got all the sense of the Hut-Sut Song and rhythm like the Mexican Hat Dance (Jarabe Tapatio), with a melody based on “Skip to My Lou.”

    Zits – Jeremy just got a speeding ticket, and now this. Isn’t it about time for his license to get yanked?

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#139): ‘Strewth!

  169. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    March 28th, 2011 at 9:37 am [Reply]

    3G – Blaze is jealous because Diller has two beards, and he has only a neckerchief.

    Hägar – Whoa! This joke hinges upon an inappropriate anachronism! I sure didn’t see that one coming.

    Luann – Luann’s mom does pretty well by her, considering that if facial resemblance means anything, she’s really Tiffany’s mom.

  170. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    March 28th, 2011 at 9:37 am [Reply]

    Grimm – If anybody’s ever wondered what “Momma” might have looked like at the peak of her youth and attractiveness, I think we’ve just been given an approximation that’s as close as I’ll ever, ever want to get.

    Shoe – Oh, yes. Since the gravestones weren’t visible in the first panel, the Perfesser could hardly have been expected to realize they were there.

  171. Rocky Stoneaxe
    March 28th, 2011 at 9:48 am [Reply]

  172. TheDiva
    March 28th, 2011 at 9:56 am [Reply]

    C’shaft: So far Pam is reacting very well to her daughter coming out of the closet. (On a positive note, Cranky’s pun of the day was appropriate–even mildly amusing–rather than his usual random soul-killing attack on the English language.)

    FW: Wait…isn’t he the first chair soloist? I guess that would explain why Becky looks so glum.

    GT: I see Lini brought his new drag queen friend to the concert…

    Luann: Nancy, stop pretending. We all know your “friend in Norway” is an Amsterdam sex tour.

  173. Tophat
    March 28th, 2011 at 10:07 am [Reply]

    I love the horse’s expression in the last panel of Judge Paker. He’s totally indifferent to Sophie’s angst. “Bitch, don’t be bringing yo problems in here,” he mutters. “Maybe Honey would actually spring for some goddamn carrots every now and then.”

  174. boojum
    March 28th, 2011 at 10:08 am [Reply]

    GT: Just how bad is Molly Kinsella’s Tribute to the Dust Bowl? Well, while Audience Member proofreads the menu and Kevin Smith (no surprise) surfs for porn, Lini Verde’s reached the boredom threshold of, “What the hell, let’s see what the straight guys are always going on about.”

  175. Esther Blodgett
    March 28th, 2011 at 10:11 am [Reply]

    @Kibo (#95): I have bottles of lye, matches, and a pressure cooker in my kitchen, ’cause I like to make good pretzels, crème brûlée, and pot roast — though not all at the same time, ’cause then I might accidentally make meth.

    A good laugh is what I needed on a gross Monday morning!

  176. Mibbitmaker
    March 28th, 2011 at 10:12 am [Reply]

    @Little Guy (#158): re:JP: Ah, but it is a Woody Wilson strip, so these new characters will show themselves to be eminently interesting (though they don’t sound like it so far), make a major mark on us readers, then disappear traceless. By the way…

    FREE CUE!

  177. Islamorada Girl
    March 28th, 2011 at 10:15 am [Reply]

    JP: Even Dave Barry would never say “Bad Acne” would be a great name for a band.

  178. Mibbitmaker
    March 28th, 2011 at 10:21 am [Reply]

    @Little Guy (#160): I was 10-12 years old when Jim Croce was on top 40, so I remember those songs fondly from that. Esp. “Leroy Brown”. There was even a musical number of that song on the Sonny & Cher Comedy Hour at the time, as I recall.

  179. Esther Blodgett
    March 28th, 2011 at 10:25 am [Reply]

    FW: If the eyes truly are windows to the soul, then I will never complain about my lot in life again, because Becky’s haunted gaze bespeaks an existence of unspeakable emptiness. I pity her, and I only hope that Goatee Boy doesn’t stare directly at her, lest he turn to stone.

  180. This Guy
    March 28th, 2011 at 10:25 am [Reply]

    Pluggers: Never talk to a plugger. Gotcha.

  181. Calico
    March 28th, 2011 at 10:26 am [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#57):
    Canadian Pluggers?

  182. Rocky Stoneaxe
    March 28th, 2011 at 10:28 am [Reply]

    Luann — Driven to the brink of insanity by her daughter, Nancy wants nothing more than to get by high with a little help from her friends:

    http://easyquestion.net/thinkagain/wp-content/uploads/2009/09/the-beatles-norwegian-wood-368048.jpg

  183. Esther Blodgett
    March 28th, 2011 at 10:33 am [Reply]

    @Mibbitmaker (#178): I loved that number on Sonny & Cher!!! I loved that whole show!!! I miss the days when Sonny was a mediocre pop singer, Cher was a Native American, and Chaz was Chastity. Good times.

  184. Dr. P and the Women
    March 28th, 2011 at 11:09 am [Reply]

    @Chance (#11): I know what you mean. I find myself caring about what goes on in Judge Parker and Rex Morgan (in spite of the fact that literally nothing ever does, ever) for no reason other than the fact that the art is so good.

    Plus I never get tired of the Herculean amount of effort Sam and Rex put into avoiding their marital obligations with their supermodel wives.

  185. Orchids
    March 30th, 2011 at 7:21 am [Reply]

    I think that Mama Keene was just happy to get rid of The Brood and foist them off on the unsuspecting Mrs. Keith.

  186. Professional Reviews Online
    September 9th, 2011 at 9:21 am [Reply]

    Mary Worth totally needs a slow loris pet lol
    That would show her :)

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