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KILL LEROY KILL

The Lockhorns, 3/22/07

I know this isn’t really going out on a limb, since everyone in the Lockhorns (except for the statuesque blondes that Leroy is always drunkenly flirting with at parties) is pretty much the same person except for the clothes and hair, but: doesn’t Loretta’s mother look exactly like Leroy, except with, um, different clothes and hair? For some reason, their resemblance is especially creepy to me because her hair looks exactly like the wig that Norman wears when he turns into Mother in Psycho. So, even though it’s unlikely, what with their both being in the panel here and all, I’d like to believe that Leroy becomes “Mother-in-Law” when his internalized mental anguish forces him to kill. This feature would be better if there were more stabbings, is what I’m trying to get at.

Apartment 3-G, 3/22/07

The thing is, I’m not sure what Margo would find “sweet” — when a man kills for her? — but I’m willing to bet it isn’t the kind of mopey, passive-aggressive poor-me game that Gary is playing here. I guess she might think it’s “sweet” in the sense of “isn’t that sweet, my dopey roommate has attracted someone who’s an even bigger loser than she is.”

Funky Winkerbean, 3/22/07

GOD DAMN IT, FUNKY WINKERBEAN, WHY IS IT ALWAYS THE DAMN CANCER WITH YOU? CANCER CANCER CANCER! THERE ARE OTHER KILLER DISEASES, YOU KNOW! WHY CAN’T IT BE AIDS? OR EBOLA? GIVE IT A REST WITH THE DAMN CANCER ALREADY? CHRIST!

Judge Parker, 3/22/07

Wow, so this is what it eventually comes to for humanities Ph.D. students? And I thought my occasional stints as a temp doing filing or reception work were beneath my dignity. Looks like I got out of grad school just in time!

314 responses to “KILL LEROY KILL”

  1. Broken Skittles
    March 23rd, 2007 at 12:22 am [Reply]

    Holy Crap!

  2. Klipper
    March 23rd, 2007 at 12:26 am [Reply]

    In other news: Mother Goose has been savagely attacked, and probably killed, by bees. Where’s Liz when we need her?

  3. Skullturf Q. Beavispants
    March 23rd, 2007 at 12:28 am [Reply]

    So when the great Millenipost comes, are you gonna sneak it on us at like 1:15 in the morning Eastern time?

  4. shane shiner
    March 23rd, 2007 at 12:29 am [Reply]

    I drew a comic identical to today’s Flying McCoys for my middle school newspaper when I was 12. My head just exploded.

  5. Stuart P. Bentley
    March 23rd, 2007 at 12:30 am [Reply]

    I’d just like to point out now that several early posts skip around in the numbers, such as the first is at fourth, the second at 22, and so on. The next one’s going to be 1000 in index number only.

  6. Mike P
    March 23rd, 2007 at 12:33 am [Reply]

    I like how “Judge Parker” has introduced a hooker with a heart of gold to its supporting cast.

  7. Lammergeier13
    March 23rd, 2007 at 12:33 am [Reply]

    Apparently, Funky’s boss thinks that he’s running Le Tournee Du Chat Noir. He clearly expects suicidally depressed impressionists to come through the door and order one of his pizzas with a mug of absinthe on the side.

  8. Stuart P. Bentley
    March 23rd, 2007 at 12:35 am [Reply]

    (The above numbers in #5 were approximations.)

    I can’t really see what you mean with the Lockhorns, except for the identical noses. Every other feature is completely different. No sarcasm.

  9. traveller
    March 23rd, 2007 at 12:37 am [Reply]

    You know, in today’s Mark Trail his wife Cherry looks a lot like Karl Malden, albeit a bit more rugged.

  10. Mack
    March 23rd, 2007 at 12:39 am [Reply]

    Erase Mama Loretta’s bun, and this cartoon can easily be recycled, with the mother-in-law standing in for a priest holding the Good Book. Just switch the caption to something like, “It’s Father O’Rourke – he’s here to renew our wedding vows.” That way, Loretta’s expression of hopeless depression and Leroy’s blistering hostility would still make perfect sense.

  11. Power of 1000 Lemons
    March 23rd, 2007 at 12:40 am [Reply]

    I kind of figured that “getting my Ph.D. in sociology” was a particularly amusing euphemism, but who knows. Those French schools ain’t cheap.

  12. Emily
    March 23rd, 2007 at 12:45 am [Reply]

    What sort of suitors are in that book? I intially pictured it a book of old photos where old Ma-law would be “And this is Tony, remember him? He shared his milk with you in the 5th grade. and here’s JOHN, your prom date, he’s a lawyer now you know…has his own practice.” It probably is just magazine cutouts of like Andy Rooney and Sean Connery.

  13. Weasel Boy
    March 23rd, 2007 at 12:45 am [Reply]

    A3G: In panel 3, Tommie and Margo achieve simultaneous head wobbles. Damn, that’s sexy.

  14. Some Guy Here
    March 23rd, 2007 at 12:49 am [Reply]

    I think the key behind the Lockhorns is that the creator is using his own verison of “Zwinkies” (crappy create-your-own-avatar Flashware) in order to create the comic. Of course, it’s less cute, and manages to be even more annoying.

    Also, I now know that Paris is an excellent place to pick up slutty, down-and-out, hot female grad students from Brooklyn. “Incidentally,” I now know where my next vacation’s taking place.

  15. Caged Tygre
    March 23rd, 2007 at 12:56 am [Reply]

    isn’t that sweet, my dopey roommate has attracted someone who’s an even bigger loser than she is.

    Hey, Tommie, I hear you like guys with ‘staches, but seem to only attract bespectacled losers, well now you can get both; there’s a soon-to-be divorced guy in Canada who finally realized that no one is waiting for him and he would just love a new Mommy for his kid. He can always get you a fresh cinnamon bun and a sweet deal on a used car.

  16. SixFootJen
    March 23rd, 2007 at 1:02 am [Reply]

    Wow, the sociology grad student has been forced to peddle her flesh on the streets of Paris. And I thought my creative-writing-with-a-specialization-in-poetry major was the #1 way a gal could fail to be employable.

  17. Professor Membrane
    March 23rd, 2007 at 1:04 am [Reply]

    So… has Frank Miller taken over writing Judge Parker? I look forward to the savage beatings.

  18. Steve S
    March 23rd, 2007 at 1:13 am [Reply]

    Wow, a guy running a family pizza joint in 2007 thinks a smoking section is a good idea. This will result in bankruptcy, followed by Tony Montoni’s silent Mafia partners beating him to a pulp when he can’t pay his monthly dues, followed by Tony becoming a smack addict. He will still be above the median happiness for a Funky Winkerbean character.

  19. Mibbitmaker
    March 23rd, 2007 at 1:14 am [Reply]

    I have to disagree, Josh: Gary is supposed to be a nice guy, a good man, whereas Neil is the “bad boy”, otherwise known as the “asshole”. The man has “escapades”, fer crine out loud. That can’t be good.

    Tommie was a loser, but now she’s become a jerk for prefering a jerk. Tommie, if you prefer bad people, Margo is right there, for crying out loud (Ha! Didn’t think I knew how to spell it, didja?).

    Now Blanthony: he‘s a loser (#15)!

  20. Bobchillingworth
    March 23rd, 2007 at 1:27 am [Reply]

    Membrane (#17) -

    Actually, IIRC Barreto (who draws Judge Parker) has worked with Miller in the past. I think that he did some of the art work in the back of Miller’s To Hell and Back.
    Dr. French Brooklyn Prostitute looks suspiciously similar to some, ah, ladies glamorously rendered by Barreto in said book.

  21. Trilobite
    March 23rd, 2007 at 1:29 am [Reply]

    What worries me is that I suspect the Judge Parker crew really do mean that the Pro From Brooklyn is a PhD student, and that it’s not just a snarky (and unexpectedly witty!) reply to Neddy’s blitheringly stupid question.

    Seriously, Neddy: if you have to ask the lady in the leopard-print bustier and leather miniskirt hanging out on a corner in a red light district what she’s doing there, they should make you wear a helmet and eat every meal with a soft plastic spoon. If there were any justice on the comics page, Margo would fly over from Apartment 3G just to make fun of you for being such an idiot.

  22. deeeeeeeeelightful
    March 23rd, 2007 at 1:30 am [Reply]

    Now why can’t we have boobage like that in funkwinkerbean. Oh wait, thats right. No focus on breasts that arn’t cancerous. Oh well. At least sally forth still brings it. You go girl!

  23. Donald The Anarchist
    March 23rd, 2007 at 1:35 am [Reply]

    JP How inspiring! I hope Neddy appreciates the options life can offer her. She could be a Phd candidate AND a hooker! Cause in the Judge Parker universe, women CAN have it all!

    Learn from this, Lynn Johnston!! See how limited your career options for women are? All YOU’VE managed to come up with as professions for women are teachers and singers and mommies and models (although mommies can work in bookstores, which is sort of like being a librarian) but did you ever think there might be even MORE stereotypical female professions to choose from?
    Remember, April needs to start thinking about what she wants to be when she grows up, and the other soap opera strips are GREAT sources of inspiration! She could be a hooker (Judge Parker), a judges wife (again Judge Parker), a doctor’s wife (Rex Morgan M.D.), a ranger’s wife (Mark Trail), a selfish, meddling biddy (Mary Worth), a total bitch (A3G), a complete loser (also A3G) or a scatterbrained nitwit (once again A3G). Stop limiting her horizons!!!

  24. Mibbitmaker
    March 23rd, 2007 at 1:39 am [Reply]

    3/23:

    MT: Trail is “confused”. Right, Trail. Everyone on earth knew about the Dan scam before any of the LoFoFolk did. I think it just slipped Elrod’s mind for a few weeks, the scatterbrain!

    A3G: Hey, Gary; with best friends like Neil, you don’t need any enemies! And don’t pop in any Gentoids ™ expecting any dates with Tommie, either.

    (DT)GT: Yeah, Gil, balding Oscar Goldman in panel 3 makes sense.

    FOOB: St. Mike gets all shell shocked when expected to speechify, then suddenly nothing ever happens?! Ellie was clearly moved by Michael’s non-speech — or not-even-a-non-speech — to the point of making goose impressions (!). Liz feels insignificant next to the FOOB-second-coming-of-Jesus-Christ/her brother, too. Hell, Liz is insignificant next to a ball of lint these days! And Warren; he — Oh, give it a rest, Flyboy!

    FC: A peice of wood, so, of course Billy’s thinking treehouse. This brings forth the idea of the where-life-begins debate. If Billy were pro-life, he’s believe the piece of wood was already a fully-built treehouse; and if he were pro-choice, he’d think it was a sliver.

    Garfield: I like Maynard better than Garfield already!

    Curtis: Chutney needs a new writer, stat! The last-panel dialogue looks like Michael Patterson wrote it.

  25. Non-Shannon
    March 23rd, 2007 at 1:40 am [Reply]

    The Brooklyn hooker’s bodacious ta-tas might even top Curtis’ teacher’s as my favorite in the comics.
    And that’s sayin’ a lot.

  26. Mr. O’Malley
    March 23rd, 2007 at 1:43 am [Reply]

    Where in Pluggerville would you find a bakery that sells bread, and displays a loaf, unsliced, in the window? And baked only the day before.

    I don’t think I’ve ever seen a place that calls itself a bakery in the US that sells bread. And unsliced bread is virtually impossible to get, not to mention bread that’s been made the same day.

    Surely Pluggers eat squishy month-old presliced Wonderbread from the supermarket, that is so devoid of taste in the first place that it is impossible to tell that it’s stale. Selling an unsliced loaf of bread would be an admission that bread actually goes stale, but that the process can be slowed down by not slicing it.

    Perhaps, in keeping with the French theme that’s running through the comics, this is really a French plugger or bouchoneur visiting the boulangerie frugale. However, I suspect that in France even pluggers would put on leopardskin bras and hang around on street corners rather than eat day-old bread.

  27. SappySwami
    March 23rd, 2007 at 2:08 am [Reply]

    Tommie’s army uniform looks sun bleached. But I don’t even know what Margo is wearing. Un-sewed pink fabric? These are both pretty indicative of their particular self-images.

  28. AndreaD
    March 23rd, 2007 at 2:12 am [Reply]

    OMG. The wobbles.

    You guys.

    Margo. Tommie.

    Parkinson’s.

    We’ve been laughing all this time, but Parkinson’s is to A3G as cancer is to Funky Winkerbean (except that it is not mentioned at all and the characters suffer silently; also, LuAnn may or may not have early onset Alzheimers, possibly schizophrenia).

    This is so tragic that I would drink myself to sleep if I had an ounce of alcohold in my house.

  29. ben
    March 23rd, 2007 at 2:17 am [Reply]

    Are we *sure* that this isn’t one of those cross-over weeks, and the buxom streetwalker in “Judge Parker” isn’t Blondie? I only ask for two reasons.

  30. Rhekarid
    March 23rd, 2007 at 2:26 am [Reply]

    Loretta has been so deadened by her marriage, even the prospect of marrying other men can’t push her past her half-lidded ennui.

    Of course Margo thinks Gary is sweet. “Sweet” is how you say something nice about someone you have nothing nice to say about.

  31. Ruinedarch
    March 23rd, 2007 at 2:28 am [Reply]

    Wow, I clearly wasted my time on a graduate degree in anthropology…Any chance the Parker ladies score some “e” and start making out?

  32. Andrew
    March 23rd, 2007 at 2:31 am [Reply]

    FW- Wow. The only good reason they can think of for not having a smoking section is because of a pension for lung cancer? This feels like another one of those cartoons that try to use a political talking point in place of a punchline.

    I mean heaven forbid FW deal with the real reason public places are banning smoking. Mentioning widely spread public policy might be mistaken for political.

    Why can’t FW characters deal and be affected by socially disengenerous attitudes? Why must they have some glib remark to make instead of actually having souls?

    I have a suggestion for a story line to better get the desired point across. I think this falls in line with the artist’s personal feelings toward smoking and would be a hell of a lot more fun to read.

    I want to see a few panels where the local smokers are being rounded up by the pacification…er uh the police force and dropped off in a mass grave. Their screams muffled by the sudden case of dirt cancer they all managed to contract simultaneously.

    Funky a secret smoker his entire life suddenly finds himself a fugitive from the law hiding in plain sight. The collective atmosphere of the quiet little FW town is set ablaze with Fahrenheit 451 type rage. No one lights cigarettes anymore, they light you if they catch you with any. A lone man spots Funky lighting up a cigarette after band practice behind the stands.

    The Orwellian inspired lynch mob (pitchforks and torches) chase funky through the streets and back alleys until finally he is cornered, dead end. The silhouettes of the crowd loom larger and larger. The last panel is nothing more then a crushed cigarette butt underneath a pair of dangling legs.

    Somewhere the Crimson King laughs.

  33. Trilobite
    March 23rd, 2007 at 2:45 am [Reply]

    Actually, I think when Margo calls a man “sweet,” she’s referring to the sensation she feels when she rips him into pieces. Some girls eat chocolate to feel better, Margo ruins lives: either way, it’s candy that soothes their soul. Or whatever Margo has in place of a soul, anyway.

  34. LV
    March 23rd, 2007 at 2:48 am [Reply]

    Holy shit, something happened in Spider-Man!

    I look forward to a week of Dara Dorset being pulled into the limo.

    “I didn’t call for a limo!” “Just get in the limo!” “Who are you? I didn’t call for this limo!” “You’ll find out soon enough!” Dara Dorset, who claimed to be Spider-Man’s wife, is being forced into a limo! “Help!” “Shut your mouth and get into the limo, lady!” “Just get in the limo, lady!” “Who are you? Help!”

    Then Spider-Man falls into an open manhole or something.

  35. Christopher
    March 23rd, 2007 at 3:15 am [Reply]

    I’ll talk about today’s cartoons in the morning, but I wanna quick ask a question about yesterday’s Dennis the Menace.

    Namely, why is it so lame?

    I get what the artist was going for, but we and Mrs. The Menace can both see that Dennis has all his hair.

    The only person who would go along with some crazy hair-cutting scheme is Joey, and frankly, cutting of his one single lock of hair would be an extreme improvement.

    Meanwhile, Margret, Gina and Mr. Wilson would be quite vocal about any haircutting shenanigans as soon as they realised that Dennis did something.

    The only real possibility is that Dennis snuck into Mr. Wilson’s house while he was sleeping and did something horrid to his hair. The only problem is that Mr. Wilson is going bald, and has an awful mustache, so, like Joey, cutting off large chunks of his hair could only make him more fashionable.

    And if it was the dog they went after, they’d’ve asked how long fur takes to grow back.

    This calculation took me about 30 seconds; it should go much faster for Mrs. The Menace, as she is much more intimately acquainted with all the relevant players.

    So, why does she look vaguely alarmed?

    Seriously, it’s not like there’s any standards for newspaper strips, so how can you fuck up a seemingly sure-fire idea, like Dennis getting ahold of scissors and playing barber?

  36. Christopher
    March 23rd, 2007 at 3:19 am [Reply]

    Oh, and all today’s DtM would need to be funny is to show a long shot of the Wilson house, showing that Dennis and Joey have managed to knock out every single window, and still had the moxie to ask for their ball back every single time.

    I mean, I guess that’s the implication here, but for all we know they only need to ask for their ball back every other week.

  37. MsChicken
    March 23rd, 2007 at 3:35 am [Reply]

    PhD in Sociology means a social sciences degree. I say that because I always thought that the social sciences had more grant money than the humanities. Apparently, I was wrong. Either that or grant money for the social sciences is used for outfits to help– oh, I don’t know just put in a heavily innuendoed ‘the study of the social sciences’ along with a ‘ka-ching’ and a ‘nudge’.

    In the Foobiverse for today (22/March) I am a bit confused: Is Warren’s ‘significant other’ zinger (however flaccid said FOOB zinger can be) a suggestion that he continues to be the tool who seeks to bag models, or is it Lynn Johnston’s effort to show how he’s trying to be a nice guy and dupe Liz? If Granthony is the point of reference for the ideal man, I have no means of orienting myself when it comes to punchlines like this one.

    And finally, keep on keeping on with the mission to retain Mary Worth. I can’t believe that this site actually has me going to Houston Chronicle to read Mark Trail, Mary Worth, and Apt 3G. I’ve got to get Judge Parker on that list apparently. I forgot about the amazingly cracktarded adventures of two girls in Paris.

  38. AppleGirl
    March 23rd, 2007 at 4:23 am [Reply]

    32 – Andrew – Your lynch mob scenario sounds like what happens every time I light up a smoke here in Southern California. There’s some kind of fear here. I’ve heard so many fake coughs from vigilante anti-smoking people passing me on the sidewalk. Outdoors. In a town where the smog is so thick you need an infrared filter on your camera to get a clear photo of the mountains.

  39. Lynngineering
    March 23rd, 2007 at 4:51 am [Reply]

    FBOFW: Excellent… excellent… Michael’s dream in party-sequences is getting underway finally. Let’s see, totally unbelievable compresssed, rushed together, packed-into-one panel dialogs plus the usual Patterson-ego? Check. Mom: “I’m so proud of MichaelMEMEMEMMEMEDIDIMENTIONI’VE BEEN-DOING-THE-EDITING-AND-SPELLCHECK-ITS ABOUT-ME-NOTICE-ME my son the author SO-I-AM-GOING-TO-OVERREACTEMOTIONALLY-LIKE-I-NEVERDID WHENHISOFFSPRINGWEREBORN-ORWHEN-LIZBECAMEATEACHER..oh this is so moving”.
    And natural Liz: I am so proud of MichaelWHYYYYYYYYYY-AM-I-SUCHALOSER-WHY-GOD-DID-HE-INHERIT-THE- TALENT-GENE-OF-THE-FAMILY-AND-WHY-DID-YOU-GIVE-ME-THE-STUPID-FAT-HIPS-OF-MY-MOTHER-THAT-ATTRACTS-IDIOTS-LIKE-THIS-GUY-NEXT-TO-ME my brother.
    And then this being Michael at work, the out of nowhere add-on of Warren’s bothersome change of character and dumb comments that ONLY an “author” with the skill of Michael could come up with -specifically to mess with Liz’s head. (Michael to Liz: “HA F**king HA SIS- the ONLY way ou are going to be significant LIKEME is when you are arm-candy for some loser “baggin” helicopter pilot. Oh yeah, by the way, he’s thinking about Weed’s models while he says that to you!”)

    Yup. Michael’s Dream feverishly continues. All the characters plots are replaced by speeches on Michael’s greatness, there drives are full-upfront as urges, and that feeling of heightened sexual frustrations abound as everyone awaits the real storyline of April who is laying on the couch with her legs open in front of the TV since a few days…

  40. Kurdt
    March 23rd, 2007 at 5:20 am [Reply]

    The Lockhorns cartoon is creepy to me for different reasons. Since there are no backgrounds it looks like its set in some weird other dimension. Mother looks especially weird floating in up through the blueness of the interdemensional doorway. Soon snakes will shoot out of Leroy’s mouth devouring Loretta and mother will explode into a million little pieces that scream in horrible high pitched voices.

  41. Tats
    March 23rd, 2007 at 5:25 am [Reply]

    Oh, well. If Loretta’s mother is particularly obnoxious, Loretta could always just take off her shoe and stab her in the face with it.

  42. Pozzo
    March 23rd, 2007 at 5:42 am [Reply]

    If sociology is “The study of human social behavior,” I guess finding out what guys are willing to pay for is a legitimate pursuit. After all, she may be writing a term paper on the attraction of latex and trapezes for the modern Francophile tourist.

  43. stinky pete
    March 23rd, 2007 at 5:43 am [Reply]

    The Josh Reads Millenary Moment

    Fellow Curmudgeoners, as we congregate today on the eve of the millennipost, and as you go home tonight to your loved ones and gather ‘round the millennitree, exchanging the ritual millennipost gifts (shoe trees and rashers of bacon), I simply ask you to contemplate what reputable art historians believe is the most righteous right hook o’justice ever depicted, in any medium, anywhere, any time, and to agree with me that this is, indeed, the best of all possible worlds. I bid you peace!

  44. The Perfidious Margaret
    March 23rd, 2007 at 5:54 am [Reply]

    “And I thought my occasional stints as a temp doing filing or reception work were beneath my dignity. Looks like I got out of grad school just in time!”

    It’s never too late to get your minor in whore.

  45. dreadedcandiru2
    March 23rd, 2007 at 5:57 am [Reply]

    FBoFW : Did I just imagine it, or did someoneactually say something straightforward to that nitwit, Liz? You know better than that, Flyboy. The way to ‘bag’ the little ditz is to pile on the puffery, bacuase her repsone to ‘Will you be my girlfriend’ is ‘I don’t get it’.

  46. FSogol
    March 23rd, 2007 at 6:03 am [Reply]

    Neddy looks at her academic future in Paris. I’m guessing she’ll probably go home and strangle the old lady.

  47. smacky
    March 23rd, 2007 at 6:12 am [Reply]

    In panel 4 of today’s Mark Trail, Mark backhands Cherry, repeating, “I am upset and confused! Where am I?!? Who am I?!? Who are you?!? That eye hook completely blew his mind!

  48. John C Fremont
    March 23rd, 2007 at 6:16 am [Reply]

    Foob – So Michael puts his arm lovingly around his sister and says “You could become my significant other,” and all I can think is what the people sitting all around me used to yell during the Rocky Horror Picture Show – Incest is best! (I, of course, would never participate in such outbursts. Pretty sure I’d have looked good in that Tim Curry outfit, though.)

    JP – Speaking of such outfits, Neddy really needs to try on one of those French Hooker outfits. She really, really needs to do this. Okay, I need her to.

  49. Justafoob
    March 23rd, 2007 at 6:19 am [Reply]

    An aside to the rampant emotions in today’s FBOFW.

    That is some bean dip they are serving.

    Look at all those fart zaggles emanating from all the guests. I think the biggest cloud is hanging over Ellie.

    Damn Canadians are killing OUR planet with their methane emissions. Get me Al Gore on the phone.

  50. Minivet
    March 23rd, 2007 at 6:22 am [Reply]

    I love how the JP writer seems to think that American tourists are indistinguishable from French except by their language — as opposed to the clothes, shoes, accessories, and general gawky tendencies.

    Although more precisely, the message this week seems to have been that American tourists are indistinguishable from French prostitutes.

  51. stinky pete
    March 23rd, 2007 at 6:25 am [Reply]

    5 Stuart and other killjoys, yeah, yeah, yeah, point already raised; point already answered. Besides, even if some of the old posts are in scrambled order on the new server, there are still 999 posts on the server.

    Do you sit around on Christmas Eve and intone “You know, there’s no real evidence that Jesus was born on December 25th?” The rest of us are going to party like it’s Post Nine-ninety-nine. And then invade Canada.

  52. Widdle Jeffy
    March 23rd, 2007 at 6:27 am [Reply]

    Sometimes, I wish that the FC were a strip and not just a one panel.

    If it were a strip, I think an appropriate second panel would be dad saying “Treehouse? Oh no, Jeffy. That piece of wood is Mister Spanky. I think it is time you pay the price for what you did in the living room. Bend over.”

    And in real life this probably did happen to Jeffy. Or at least that is the false memory he has.

  53. Piels
    March 23rd, 2007 at 6:29 am [Reply]

    FW is much more interesting if you realize that Funky isn’t worried about secondhand smoke. He just doesn’t want customers with pre-cancerous lung conditions. This is phase one in his plan to convert Montoni’s to a segregated cancer-free zone, with a big “NO CANCIES ALLOWED” sign in the front window.

    This will obviously put stress on Funky and Les’s friendship, but Les will eventually come around, telling Lisa “honestly, it’s depressing to have to you people around when I’m trying to enjoy my pizza.”

  54. Burmart
    March 23rd, 2007 at 6:34 am [Reply]

    NORMAN TURNS INTO HIS MOTHER IN PSYCHO!!??

    Thanks for ruining it for me.

  55. Joshreads CC1Kâ„¢ Compliance Director
    March 23rd, 2007 at 6:35 am [Reply]

    Well, it’s over. Or it will be soon. Within the next 24 hours (or maybe in a week if Josh goes on another vacation), it’ll happen. The Joshapolypse. CC1K. Oh, sure, Josh could save us by giving the posts a different naming convention, like LETTERS or something, but nooooooooo.

    I hope you’re all prepared. For upon the posting of http://joshreads.com/?p=1000, it all changes. You will become your NEW selves. Just like Mary Worth, who will roll her eyes into her head and say ‘what EVER!’ when offered the chance to meddle in someone’s life, or Margo taking the vows, or Dennis the REAL Menace shooting Mr. Wilson in the spleen with a bolt carved from Joey’s femur shot a crossbow strung with Margaret’s guts, you will all be changed.

    Old Fogeyette will be Young Whippersnapperina, Poteet will be Rich Teet, gh will be abcdefijklmnopqrstuvwxyz, Shannon becomes Non-Shannon (and vice versa), Stinky Pete will be The (Freshening) Power of 1000 Lemons, Gadge Cubit, Mole Preener will be Bob, Fizzy Logic will be Flat Intuition, AppleGirl will be WindowsDude, jvwalt will be varsitywalt, Lynngineering will be Lnninmarketing, Gabe will be the OTHER Gabe, Red Greenback will be An Angels Fan, Mibbetmaker will be OutsourcedToBangalore, Artist Formerly Known as Ben will be Ben, Smart People On Ice will be Box of Rocks, GE Chennux will be Bowl of Chex Mix, Uncle Lumpy will be Aunt Fruit Smoothie and Dingo = A Baby Begotten In The Jaws Of A Wild Dog!

    Enjoy CC1K. I’m hiding under a rock.

  56. mathpuff
    March 23rd, 2007 at 7:02 am [Reply]

    JP: I think what we are seeing here is Neddy’s future hooker self from five years hence. She had to turn to prostitution to survive when she was mugged shortly after her arrival in paris and has now come back in time to save her past self from getting robbed by the two thugs.

    But five years JP-time is roughly equal to two centuries our time, so we’ll probably never know for sure what the hell is going on here.

  57. Keg of Curd
    March 23rd, 2007 at 7:06 am [Reply]

    FW is rather eye-catching, with the large, red-letter ASS in the window.

  58. j
    March 23rd, 2007 at 7:07 am [Reply]

    I knew someone who was that good looking and was getting her Phd. in sociology. So maybe comics don’t lie.

  59. andreavis
    March 23rd, 2007 at 7:10 am [Reply]

    A3G: … the hell? Margo’s not wearing a turtleneck! Why isn’t her head bobbling out of control?

  60. stinky pete
    March 23rd, 2007 at 7:14 am [Reply]

    Today’s DtM is a frank admission by the writer that Dennis is no Menace. Consider the dialogue: “It’s your turn, Joey, to go ask Mr. Wilson for our ball back.” How can I begin to count the ways in which that “Joey” is all wrong? Disregard the fact that no kid would ever say that sentence. Dennis has his mouth open and is pointing at Joey; Joey has his mouth closed. Who else could possibly be speaking in this scene? Yet, apparently, Dennis is such a candyass that the writers felt that it would be ambiguous unless they had Dennis utter the clunky “Joey” in the middle of his sentence. In a universe where Dennis was truly menacing, Joey could never say: “It’s your turn, Dennis, to go ask Mr. Wilson for our ball back.”

    Meanwhile, in RMMD, Dept. of strange emphasis, Last panel: “He arrives this afternoon.” Huh? Does Hugh Avery arrive like The Dude abides?

    In TDIET, Scaduto breaks his consecutive “like we mean” streak at a disappointing two. Squids still in the lead.

  61. willethompson
    March 23rd, 2007 at 7:15 am [Reply]

    JP: What’s that song? April in Paris? Actually, April in Paris is cold and rainy. So, late March in Paris is about the same as late March in New York. Which is cold. Not exactly mini-skirt, bustier weather. This prostitute has all the common sense of a boîte de roches, which means she was telling the truth about going for a doctorate in sociology.

    RMMD: Rex must live in a world without news cycles and 500 cable channels. Heather’s beau is rich, right? Maybe not Richard Branson rich, but right up there. If a rich guy’s plane goes missing, it’s not a state secret. The NYC/London flyway is pretty crowded, so ATC asks everyone if they’ve seen anything. Word gets out. The British press has people listening to scanners to pick items like this and they are not noted for their decorum. Why a bunch of cigarette-smoking wankers named Sid with breath like a brewery aren’t hounding Heather to death right now is bloody fookin’ amazing.

  62. Artist formerly known as Ben
    March 23rd, 2007 at 7:30 am [Reply]

    Maybe a little OT. Cathy does nothing for me, even in Western bondage gear. But seeing Loretta Lockhorn in that flirtatiously short housedress, well it gets my day started right if you get my meaning. The human animal is funny that way, and it’s possible that I’ve said too much.

  63. Pozzo
    March 23rd, 2007 at 7:35 am [Reply]

    Okay, the cancer snarker is actually Funky Winkerbean? He actually exists in his own strip? I thought he existed in some never-neverland of unseen title characters, like Doonesbury and Kudzu.

    Seriously, I would never have recognized him. I remember him as a shaggy-haired high school kid, back when the strip was funny. I think it started going downhill when Les started tutoring a dyslexic kid, then admitted he was dyslexic, himself.

    Who knew dyslexia would turn out to be a gateway disease, leading to cancer the way marijuana leads to heroin?

  64. AhClem
    March 23rd, 2007 at 7:35 am [Reply]

    MT – The sight of Mark becoming anxious and confused over a simple eye hook is a wonder to behold. Imagine what he’d be like if he had found a lag screw, or even a Molly (sigh) bolt. I simply couldn’t bear to watch that.

  65. stinky pete
    March 23rd, 2007 at 7:38 am [Reply]

    Josh’s rant on FW above is even better if you imagine it being spoken by Jan Brady. Cancer cancer cancer! Marcia Marcia Marcia!

  66. yellojkt
    March 23rd, 2007 at 7:43 am [Reply]

    That Judge Parker freaked me out. About a year ago in my home town, a former professor with a PhD in Sociology got arrested for prostitution. She was running a one woman escort service out of her half-million dollar suburban house. I wrote several funny snarky blog posts about her, but then she had her house foreclosed on and she committed suicide before her trial date.

    I wrote a requiem and swore never to blog about her again. So now I open the comics, which I blog about a lot too, and there’s a hooker studying sociology. Karma is mocking me on some level, and we know Karma is a bitch.

    So, yes, there are prostitutes with PhD’s in Sociology, but they aren’t necessarily street walkers in Paris. And the real life one wasn’t nearly as hot as our leopard-printed-bustier gal here.

    Sorry if any of this was a downer. Continue snarking.

  67. RedLion
    March 23rd, 2007 at 7:43 am [Reply]

    In the 3rd panel of 3G, Tommie looks positively shocked at what she’s saying.

  68. insolenttomato
    March 23rd, 2007 at 7:44 am [Reply]

    JP: I can’t help but think that Judge Parker is all set to recreate the episode of The Facts of Life where Tootie runs away to the big city and a “bad girl” befriends her and tries to lure her into sex work with Neddy playing Tootie, Abbey playing Mrs. Garrett, and the prostitute playing . . . well . . . the prostitute.

    A3G: I love Tommie’s olive drab workshirt. She’s head-bobbin’ for America!

  69. yellojkt
    March 23rd, 2007 at 7:46 am [Reply]

    Pozzo (#63),
    Mike Doonesbury is Alex’s dad and is in the strip all the time. Right now he is trying to get his farmer mother to live with him in Seattle.

    Kudzu is the tall lanky guy that was the star of the strip before it went all Will B. Dunn all the time. He still makes cameos.

    It’s Judge Parker and Barney Google we never see any more.

  70. Pozzo
    March 23rd, 2007 at 7:50 am [Reply]

    #61: “April in Paris?” Ye gods, that smacks of a mind-boggling FOOB/JP crossover! It will make “Girls Gone Wild” look like “Mrs. Wiggs of the Cabbage Patch.” Get someone to work on that, stat!

  71. drewbobw
    March 23rd, 2007 at 7:54 am [Reply]

    Lockhorns: What I’m more concerned with is why Loretta isn’t wearing pants. The idea that she prances around in a slightly to large shirt disgusts me.

    JP: Remember kids, don’t talk to strangers. Except hookers. Hookers are always helpful and friendly!

  72. Lyman Returns
    March 23rd, 2007 at 7:55 am [Reply]

    Phantom-I think “The Ghost Who Packs Heat” should become this strip’s new title.

    Beetle-Aw, they got me all excited, I thought something in this stale comic strip might actually CHANGE. Okay, so “excited” is too strong a word. There was a faint stirring of interest on the outer reaches of my consciousness, like a neutrino pinging off the Earth’s atmosphere. What was I talking about again?

    FC-Papa Keane: “I’ll paddle your butt with that plank of wood if you don’t help Papa rake, you little turd!”

    OBH-Who the heck is this kid? Is he from a hillbilly family who just moved into town?

    Spider-Man-Hmm…looks like “Mrs. Spider-Man” is getting kidnapped by none other than Superman’s pal, Jimmy Olsen. Spidey’s superhero friends have noticed how bad their web-slinging friend’s newspaper strip has become, and are intervening! Way to go, Super Friends!

    TDIET-Today’s installment has a veritable rolodex of awesomeness:

    1) An eye-rolling dog.
    2) The phrase “Get up! Do something! Y’hear?” All you need to complete that is “Pump up the jam, pump it up, while the beat is thumping…”
    3) The mention of ‘Vesuvius’.
    4) A lounging retiree dressed like Han Solo.
    5) The term ‘Wifey’.

    JP-The second panel in today’s comic is just…wow. Can this artist take over the drawing duties in every other strip, too? Oh, and why does every ‘Judge Parker’ strip end with a panel depicting Neddy all slack-jawed and stunned-looking? And why do they need directions to the Metro station? Um, you were just at it, American ladies. Just go back the way you came. It gives one the impression that this strip is not written by someone who has been to any big city, let alone Paris, ever.

    #17 Professor Membrane: I’m glad I’m not the only one who made the Judge Parker-Frank Miller connection. As I posted a couple of days ago, Deadly Little Miho is going to jump down from the rooftops to deliver ninja-style smackdowns on the mohawked punks shadowing our protaganists. Well, if there was any justice in the world, this is what would happen.

    MT-Uh-oh, he’s THINKING! Commence 47 straight days of Mark sitting at the table, drooling on himself, staring glass-eyed at that eyehook. He’s “upset and confused”! Surely someone with more songwriting ability than I will make a Led Zeppelin spoof with this!

    FBOFW-In the second panel, between the silhouetted forms of Mike and Dee, you can see none other than DR. TEETH from the Electric Mayhem Band! I guess Mike managed to invite one cool guest after all.

  73. Albtraum
    March 23rd, 2007 at 7:56 am [Reply]

    Has any human being in history ever said “I’m from Brooklyn, New York”?

    As we all know, if you’re from a borough of New York you automatically a) assume everyone else in the world is constantly thinking about your borough and about how cool your borough is and therefore b) it would never occur to you in a million years to add “New York”.

    It’s like saying “I like spaghetti pasta food”. Not even some weird French leopard-print whore-philosopher would make a mistake that lame.

  74. Squawk
    March 23rd, 2007 at 7:59 am [Reply]

    #66, No more of a downer than the typical Funky Winkerbean.

  75. jules
    March 23rd, 2007 at 8:12 am [Reply]

    MW: Vera still desperate. Film at eleven.

    FW: Since when does Montoni’s have waitressES? There’s that one girl, and I’m not even sure she waits tables. (All right, now I’m just being nitpicky. This strip has never been so much with the making sense.)

    TDIET: Whodathunkit – Poor old Anson Pants spent 35 years ignoring his wife in favor of his job – and now that he’s retired, she doesn’t want to serve his every whim while he sits around all unshaven in his underwear! Yesterday she made him get his own damn sandwich! Was he ever mad – and we mean like real mad! Ooo-o-o-hh ye-e-e-eah!

    FOOB: *retch* *gaaag*

  76. True Fable
    March 23rd, 2007 at 8:17 am [Reply]

    FBoFW Liz just got pwned AGAIN. Because of course, she’s still a nobody unless she’s somebody’s. You’ll never be insignificant as long as you are owned by a man, little girl.
    MT Mark is upset and confused about a screw. Well, THERE’S your problem right there, lady.
    MW The secret sister of Tommy decides to stay! Fool.
    RMMD Uh… who the fuck is Hugh Avery? I didn’t know this was going to be on the test, Mrs. Forrester! Honest!
    Luann I refuse to feel sorry for Brad as long as he keeps forgetting that there is a lock on the doors for a REASON.
    TDIET “Thanks to a number of wives all over U.S.A.” Why, Scaduto….you old dog, you!
    DtM According to the bylaws of MenaceWatch2007, if you’re too afraid to roast, you have no right to boast. It’s not Joey’s fault you got caught, you should have dumped the glove and the bat and the hats before the old dude looked up at the sound of breaking glass. Now go over there and get your tail torn up, Dennis, dammit. you fucking pansy.

  77. dimestore lipstick
    March 23rd, 2007 at 8:21 am [Reply]

    Mr. O’Malley–
    I can assure you that bakeries containing fresh-baked, unsliced bread do continue to flourish in Plugger-filled cities such as mine (but you can get it sliced, too). I give you the second-best bakery in K-Town: Paielli’s

    I’d give you the best bakery in town, but the Pluggers that run it don’t have a website.

  78. Islamorada Girl
    March 23rd, 2007 at 8:26 am [Reply]

    When we invade Canada under the leadership of Dingo, our battle cry should be “HONK! HONK! HONK!”

    Let us hope special surprise guests at Foobboy’s part-ay include the police.

  79. punk
    March 23rd, 2007 at 8:29 am [Reply]

    #26: There are indeed bakeries that call themselves such that sell freshly-baked unsliced bread (or sliced if you prefer) in the US, though the sales emphasis is usually on the sweeter goods. As for day-old bread, that’s what pain perdu and croutons are for.

    …I want more breakfast.

  80. Pelagius
    March 23rd, 2007 at 8:33 am [Reply]

    Josh,
    As a fellow resident of the Washington-Baltimore Greater Megalopolitan Area I thought you would have heard of the U of MD sociology professor who killed herself after it was discovered she had been supplementing her pension with escort work.
    And if the professors have it that bad…

  81. Jan-Karl
    March 23rd, 2007 at 8:34 am [Reply]

    Not to change the subject, but…

    I just checked out fbofw.com for the first time. Has anybody ever noticed that the characters in the strips BLINK??? Why does this so thoroughly freak me out?

  82. True Fable
    March 23rd, 2007 at 8:35 am [Reply]

    And my girls -

    A3G Panel 3, Margo: “I am sooo WASTED!”

    C(MD) Stop. It. Right. There.

    First of all – “camoflage mini-dress”? Jeez Louise, y’all, even girls from Roopville don’t wear camoflage mini-dresses unless liquor is involved and the Family Dollar is having a Fire Sale! and…”Tangerine Ankle Boots with fishnets?” Oh! Cathy’s going to go hunting and fishing? OH!!!
    Cathy is a whore! Cathy is a cheap whore! …CATHY IS A CHEAP WHORE FROM ROOPVILLE!

    I knew it!

    FC Give that to Thel, Jeffy. She’s been needing a good piece of wood for a loooong time.

  83. Lynngineering
    March 23rd, 2007 at 8:38 am [Reply]

    #55 joshreads – “lnninmarketing”…. hmmm……interesting. Snappy name. Or : maybe at the big bang I’ll just go back to p=1 and just start posting there as preLynngineering.

  84. Artist formerly known as Ben
    March 23rd, 2007 at 8:43 am [Reply]

    MW: Compare the backgrounds in panel one and panel two. No wonder Vera is so quick to take it. How often can you find a place with revolving walls?

    DT: A foolproof plan. The Emerald Emperor would never, oh, buy insurance or anything crazy like that.

    C-Shaft: Show us the good parts! We see the kids getting to school after the day is over, but Batiuk isn’t showing us the layovers when Crankshaft goes to the OTB, the bar, the massage parlor, etc.

    SFx: That dog could have been drawn by some kid in a psych ward. In fact, the whole picture, both versions, seems to manifest some kind of buried trauma.

    SSmith: Cool! A talking chicken!

    TDIET: Al Scaduto’s homage to Raging Bull. Panel two would be Migraina with an icepack, saying “Why don’t they fix those goddamn stairs?”

    H&L: Add points for the band name, which suggests obsessive-compulsive bisexuals. Take them off again for the keyboardist’s sad mohawk.

    Ziggy: “Sailor moon underwear”? Not only do I not want to know that about Ziggy, I really shouldn’t know it. It’s wrong!

  85. Hogen Mogen
    March 23rd, 2007 at 8:46 am [Reply]

    JP: I say “Add the hooker as a full time character!” Yowza.

    A3G: Ah, scheming Margo, how I love thee… and thy thrusting finger of mischief.

    MW: Since when did Mary get a job as a realtor?

  86. Bud
    March 23rd, 2007 at 8:52 am [Reply]

    JP: “I’m from Brooklyn, New York!”

    Thank God – I was afraid she was from Brooklyn, Houston dressed like that.

  87. Hogen Mogen
    March 23rd, 2007 at 8:56 am [Reply]

    #23 – Don the Anarchist:
    Remember, April needs to start thinking about what she wants to be when she grows up, and the other soap opera strips are GREAT sources of inspiration! She could be a hooker (Judge Parker)… a complete loser (also A3G) or a scatterbrained nitwit (once again A3G). Stop limiting her horizons!!!

    Where do I sign up for the job of “complete loser” or “scatterbrained nitwit”? I’ve got the qualifications for sure. But if they only pay you for that if you’re female, I’d go the Tootsie route and scam myself in.

  88. willethompson
    March 23rd, 2007 at 9:00 am [Reply]

    You know you’re a Plugger when someone mentions that there’s a movie called “300″ and you think it’s about Earl Anthony.

    Has the invasion started yet or am I just standing here in bronze armor at the Peace Bridge tapping my spear against my shield in boredom?

  89. Hogen Mogen
    March 23rd, 2007 at 9:03 am [Reply]

    Funky: Maybe it’s such a big deal to go smokeless at Montoni’s because in Funky-land everyone who is not in the day’s strip just sits around puffing away, blowing the smoke in to each other’s faces. They like to do it in unventilated, enclosed spaces, too. Everyone is just dying to get their own “pity me, for I have cancer” story line.

    Get it? “Dying” to get CANCER?

    CANCER CANCER CANCER HAHAHAHAHA

    Oh, and Marmaduke is a big dog, too!

  90. Never, But Like We Mean, Never
    March 23rd, 2007 at 9:04 am [Reply]

    Beetle Bailey: No! No! Not Father Mulcahy! He makes Camp Swampy whole and spiritual!
    Hold on, Father Mulcahy was from M*A*S*H. Which one of the Mort Walker Dartboard of Random Beetle Elements was this guy?

    And what led up to this little exchange? Was it “Well, you see, Father, I’ve been in the Army for a really long time now, and I’m still a private, and I haven’t seen the world or defended my country, plus the sergeant enjoys beating me up a lot, and I’m getting kind of weirded out by that, so I’m thinking at this point I might just…you know. Leave. So, when you get a chance, can you go over my file and let me know what you think? I mean, that’s what you do, right?”

    And I imagine after that last panel, Beetle said “Oh. I was hoping Sarge ‘don’t-told’ on me.”

  91. Hogen Mogen
    March 23rd, 2007 at 9:05 am [Reply]

    #88 – Willie, you go on ahead. We’ll catch up with you at one of the strip joints in Fort Erie.

  92. Randy
    March 23rd, 2007 at 9:06 am [Reply]

    66: Yellowjacket, you might want to send that story to Batiuk. It has real FW potential.

  93. Weasel Boy
    March 23rd, 2007 at 9:07 am [Reply]

    MW: Today’s strip seems incomplete without a thought-coda from Vera. How about: “I want to see how long it takes you to make my life even more miserable than it already is.”

  94. Hogen Mogen
    March 23rd, 2007 at 9:08 am [Reply]

    BB: There was a strip a few weeks back where Sarge told Beetle that there were high paying jobs outside the military, and Beetle packed it up and was leaving. I guess he reconsidered when Sarge informed him that he was an enlisted man, and can’t voluntarily leave until his enlistment is up or he could be shot for desertion.

  95. Hogen Mogen
    March 23rd, 2007 at 9:12 am [Reply]

    Vera: “When can I move in?”
    Mary: “Uh, this is MY condo.”
    Vera: “I’ll take it!”
    Mary: “I’m not leavng.”

    And thus, another odd couple was born.

  96. Chupper
    March 23rd, 2007 at 9:12 am [Reply]

    #72 Lyman – The best thing about today’s TDIET is that it’s credited to “A number of wives all over USA” for submitting the idea. And yet the strip is clearly mocking the wives (sorry, “wifeys”) for flipping their opinions after the husbands retire. I’d really like to see a few hours of Scaduto’s home life.

  97. andreavis
    March 23rd, 2007 at 9:17 am [Reply]

    This is what confuses me about the Plugger/day old bread conundrum. You can find lots of nice bakeries that sell swanky loaves of unsliced artisan bread. You can also find lots of outlet (thrift) bakeries, like Nickels and Hostess, that sell their stale goods at discount prices. What you won’t find are swanky bakeries that will sell you the nasty day old white bread that cheapskate Pluggers are looking for, like you see in today’s strip. Also, chickens don’t wear glasses.

  98. Hogen Mogen
    March 23rd, 2007 at 9:17 am [Reply]

    Is it too late for Cathy to try on that black leather “cattle rustler” outfit with the high heeled boots again? Yes?

    I guess I’ll just have to be satisfied with JP’s boobs-big-as-your-head hookers. I wonder what she charges (in Euros).

  99. gkl
    March 23rd, 2007 at 9:20 am [Reply]

    #85: That tripped me up too. But maybe Mary’s freelancing. You know, breaking into apartments she doesn’t own, collecting rent, and sitting back and watching the hijinks as the real tenants come home, discover strangers in their apartments, and break out the shotguns.

    It’s really depressing that most of the excitement in my life comes from living vicariously through hypothetical Mary Worth strips.

  100. Wally LimpingBean
    March 23rd, 2007 at 9:20 am [Reply]

    I can see where they are going with the FW arc.

    Today they are banning smoking because of cancer, cancer, cancer.

    Tomorrow, they will want to ban transfats.

    After that, PETA will make them take away the sausage, pepperoni, and any other meat products.

    Montoni sees this handwriting on the wall and knows that his days are numbered and his business is going to be shuttered in a year’s time.

    Either that or he will be stricken with a massive heart attack.

    Strike that, this is FW, he will get cancer.

  101. Eric G
    March 23rd, 2007 at 9:21 am [Reply]

    #97 – Actually chickens do wear glasses in funny animal comics. But we’re talking about Pluggers, so I guess you are technically correct.

  102. Hogen Mogen
    March 23rd, 2007 at 9:22 am [Reply]

    Pluggers: This morning I made a sandwich on (just reduced fat peanut butter – Friday in Lent, you know -thanks for asking) bread that was baked on Wednesday, since I don’t eat an entire loaf in one day. Maybe I’m not a plugger because I didn’t window shop for it first, carefully counting the change in my pocket to see if I could afford such an investment.

  103. Brendan
    March 23rd, 2007 at 9:30 am [Reply]

    Wow…this is the most unambiguous prostitute I’ve ever seen in the funny pages. “Get out of here, it’s my corner”? There’s no other way to take that; I guess it’s a good thing the censors don’t speak French.

  104. Len
    March 23rd, 2007 at 9:31 am [Reply]

    In “Rudy Park,” Uncle Mort is still dead.

    But they’re tying him in with all sorts of media low-life. I think he’s the father of Anna Nichole’s baby, too.

    http://www.comics.com/comics/rudypark/archive/rudypark-20070323.html

  105. MichiganPete
    March 23rd, 2007 at 9:37 am [Reply]

    OK, Agnes is just becoming disturbing.

    I’ve enjoyed some brief flashes of wittiness from the girl with the steamrolled feet, but “naked monks … gumming bears”? Especially after Wednesday’s “poke it somewhere warm and wet … it’s almost magical’? EWWWW

    Molly would sooo not understand the monks’ hostility toward her…

  106. Artist formerly known as Ben
    March 23rd, 2007 at 9:42 am [Reply]

    #69, and Gil Thorp seems to be going in that direction. Man doesn’t even do anything when his star players are bashing their meager brains out and blaming it on the other star players. He wants out of his own strip so bad he can taste it.

  107. Old Fogeyette
    March 23rd, 2007 at 9:45 am [Reply]

    You guys are so far ahead of me! I’ll probably miss the millennipost, too. But please, please wait for me at the Canadian border.

    Coffee and comics coming up. Meanwhile:

    F#313 from yesterthread: You don’t have to give back an advance, but if the book doesn’t “earn out,” or cover the advance, it’s harder to get a decent advance for the next book, or even to sell it.

    #55 Compliance Director: LOL! I love it! Even though I don’t look forward to being young again.

  108. Dactyl
    March 23rd, 2007 at 9:45 am [Reply]

    73 & 86:
    I just find it awesome, and more than a little bit disturbing, that someone concluded that the average Judge Parker reader would NOT know that Brooklyn is “Brooklyn, New York.” Was it the authors? The syndicate? And were they right? Are there actually a large population of literate people in this country who don’t know where “Brooklyn, stand alone” is? Are these the same people who believe it’s really hard to use public transit, that the correct response to inheriting large French mansions is to complain about what a burden it is, and that it would be vaguely acceptable to wear that beret? That would explain a great deal about the world we live in, but I think I could have lived without the explanation.

  109. Len
    March 23rd, 2007 at 9:55 am [Reply]

    I think “Undead Bunnies” might be too scary a movie for poor Ishmael the Squid.

    http://www.gocomics.com/lio/2007/03/23/

  110. MonkeyHawk
    March 23rd, 2007 at 9:58 am [Reply]

    “I’m from Brooklyn, New York!”

    So just what’s the purpose of comics editors, anyway?

    The line would have made sense if it had been, “I’m from New York. Brooklyn!” Y’know, moving from the general to the specific?

    As it appeared, it’s like saying, “I’m from Iowa, America.”

    I liked whomever’s suggestion that today’s DtM should have shown the entire Wilson house with broken windows. That would’ve made the caption funny (at least, funnier).

    It’s as if today’s cartoonists simply don’t understand the basics of funny. The Rule of 3s. (“You feed the dog, you feed the cat, and I’ll feed the fishes.”) “K-words are funny. (e,g., “Kumquat.”); L-words aren’t.” Puns are the lowest form. The Ol’ Switcharoo (i.e., “It’s autumn, time to toss marshmallows and roast footballs!”) is always viable.

    The only-est reason there’s a website like this one is so many daily comics seem like first drafts. Sometimes we can work and dig out a joke or a gag or an irony of a strip, but the writer/artist didn’t bother to think the damned thing through. Isn’t that their job?!

    TDIET and Pluggers deserve the most contempt since they don’t even rely on the cartoonists’ imaginations. “Send us an idea since we don’t have any!”

    Most of the rest of the comics page has turned into retelling old lame jokes. Garfield kills spiders, Cathy’s too fat for swimsuits, Marmaduke is a big dog…

  111. Dark Star
    March 23rd, 2007 at 10:05 am [Reply]

    The graduate student is obviously attending Emerson College. She’s enrolled in the ‘em are some nice tits graduate program.

  112. commodorejohn
    March 23rd, 2007 at 10:07 am [Reply]

    FOOB – *ahem* YOU. SUCK. LYNN.

    JP – I keep waiting for the prostitute to whip off her outer garments and do a dance routine accompanied by spastic xylophone-and-cymbals music, like what happens when you talk to a bystanding prostitute in Final Fantasy.

    Yes, they exist. FF4 fans will know what I’m talking about.

  113. Gadge Cubic, Mole Preener
    March 23rd, 2007 at 10:10 am [Reply]

    *sigh*…I don’t know if anyone’s done this before – but I’ve just put myself in the Cockpit. Rather than clutter up this forum with my thoughts every time someone yips at the FW non-smoking storyline, I thought I’d go all out in the appropriate venue. (I still love you all…)

    Also: don’t know why I got an English degree – clearly, I would have way more fun majoring in sociology. At least in Brooklyn, New York.

    (On a lighter note: I know there are a handful of Pynchon fans here. They – and fans of classic Warner Bros. cartoons – might enjoy this.

  114. yellojkt
    March 23rd, 2007 at 10:10 am [Reply]

    Pelagius (#80) – That’s exactly the lady I was mentioning earlier.

    HogenMogen (#92) – It would better fit in Mary Worth since a) she was turned in by nosy neighbors complaining about the traffic and b) it ends in suicide ala Aldo.

  115. Ron
    March 23rd, 2007 at 10:11 am [Reply]

    “As it appeared, it’s like saying, ‘I’m from Iowa, America.’”

    Actually, that’s close to the only way I could see Dr. Brooklyn’s statement making sense…except it’d be, “I’m from Iowa, USA!” Or, in her case, “I’m from Brooklyn, New York City! Word!”

    Or something like that.

  116. Patrick
    March 23rd, 2007 at 10:13 am [Reply]

    New prediction for Judge Parker:

    The punks will be run off by the hooker with an MA in sociology, during which she will scold them on their careless use of the French language. The French government will get involved and fine the two youngsters heavily for mixing up ils and elles not once but twice, and reward the hooker with a silver star or whatever the French equivalent is.

  117. zeeba
    March 23rd, 2007 at 10:14 am [Reply]

    Time for the morning hurl:

    Curtis:http://www.chron.com/apps/comics/showComick.mpl?date=20070323&name=Curtis

    This Chutney kid is even more cloying and annoying than Pasquale from Rose is Rose. And I never thought I’d find another character worse than Pasquale!!

    FOOB: Yeah, yeah, Liz, it’s all about me me me. BLEAH!! Hey, did y’all notice Warren’s profile in panel 3? He’s got Vulcan ears!!! Too bad he can’t mind meld the Pattersons!!!

    FW: BLEAH!!

    JP: Isn’t it curious how the secondary characters in this strip are all multi-taskers? Like hooker girl here, who is also a PhD candidate. And a few months back, the boat racing wrestler. Too bad the main characters can’t be as interesting.

    MT: Awww, Mark is upset and confused. I’m upset that Sally never cracked as I thought she would.

    PBS: http://www.chron.com/apps/comics/showComic.mpl?date=2007/3/23&name=Pearls_Before_Swine

    When y’all read the funnies, do you imagine how the characters talk? (or maybe I just have voices in my head?). Anyways, in today’s strip, I imagine Rat talking like one of the Sopranos, while the feeder mice all sound like Alvin and the Chipmunks.

    Love Is: http://www.comicspage.com/loveis/
    BLEAHHHHHHHH!!!!!

  118. bootsybooks
    March 23rd, 2007 at 10:17 am [Reply]

    Josh, I can’t say Leroy’s mother-in-law looks just like him cuz I’ve never seen him smiling. Also,Your Popish One, if you had those knockers encased in an animal print bustier, you could have avoided the dreary filing jobs in grad school.v Just sayin’.

    #65, StinkyPete, I imagine all of Josh’s rants in a Jan Brady voice. Doesn’t everyone? No? Oh, uh, never mind then.

    FC and (DT)GT crossover?! Jeffy found a piece of wood! Now if only he would take it and beat himself on the back of the head until he bleeds…nice.

    MT: Too much thinking, Mark! He was already thinking about refinishing the boat the other day!

    Pluggers make their own penicillin!

    and of couse my fave, Phantom: Ahhhh….ass. Good.

  119. AhClem
    March 23rd, 2007 at 10:19 am [Reply]

    I’m from Brooklyn, New York.

    Granted, my family moved away from there when I was a baby (yes, they took me, too — thanks for asking), so I have little recollection of the place. Also, to my knowledge, nobody in my family was ever employed as a Paris hooker.

    Just sayin’.

  120. Marilla P. Alligator
    March 23rd, 2007 at 10:21 am [Reply]

    I’m not sure I ever realized just how looooong the Lockhorns’ feet are. Loretta could stab and kill someone with a shoe like that, which would indeed bring more stabbings into the comic. And then what’s with the mother-in-law’s right shoe? Is it a poorly drawn high heel or does she have a stubby leg that requires a special shoe to keep her up?

  121. Laura c
    March 23rd, 2007 at 10:23 am [Reply]

    JP: I think Brooklyn Woman is going to reappear in a few days (weeks?) to rescue them from the punks. Hopefully she will be shooting webs out of her hands, like yesterday.

    MW: The only way I can make sense out of the events of the last few days is if Mary Worth is actually the Charterstone abortionist. Quite plausible since we now know we are back in the distant age of the clerk-typist.
    Vera is desperate, Mary keeps talking loudly about the furniture. Soon money will change hands and the revolving walls will turn around to reveal a surgery and a bottle of Johnnie Walker.

  122. Thoth
    March 23rd, 2007 at 10:30 am [Reply]

    I think Lynn Johnson would really drive home the point she’s trying to make about virginity being good, boys being bad (except for the dopey, easily controlled types like Soup Strainer) if in the next strip the Partying Pattersons got a text message from Gerald saying:
    I AM IN UR HOUSE ROADSIDE W UR SISTER!!!1!!1!one!!11!

    This would also solve the Warren issue, because when told about it, he’d be outed as a cad simply because he wouldn’t be able to restrain himself from saying “bag it Gerald!” or “why can’t you be more like your sister, Liz?”

  123. drewbobw
    March 23rd, 2007 at 10:34 am [Reply]

    112: Those were hookers?! I could never figure that one out. I’m going to have to go back and check this out.

  124. Foobar
    March 23rd, 2007 at 10:35 am [Reply]

    There are many other places called Brooklyn, y’all.

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Brooklyn_%28disambiguation%29

  125. bootsybooks
    March 23rd, 2007 at 10:39 am [Reply]

    From yesterday’s thread fizzy logic, when I said I was too nervous around that many white people, I did mean Canadians. Lemme ‘splain. I’m a white girl myself, but being from “down heah”, I’m used to living in a very racially mixed area, so when I’m someplace where everyone is white it kinda freaks me out.

    I’m trying to get over it though. Maybe I should go to Canada then. Travel is broadening, (though hopefully not for my ass since I hear the skimpy outfits of leather and hemp are required).

  126. juggernaut
    March 23rd, 2007 at 10:40 am [Reply]

    Things people from Brooklyn would never, ever say: “I’m from Brooklyn, New York”. It’s only the people from Brooklyn, Arkansas who feel the need to add what state the Brooklyn they’re referring to is in.

  127. Ned Ryerson
    March 23rd, 2007 at 10:44 am [Reply]

    #72, Lyman Returns :

    Ha!

    4) A lounging retiree dressed like Han Solo.

    Anson Pantz shot first!

  128. Calexio
    March 23rd, 2007 at 10:51 am [Reply]

    I first thought that today’s Garfield was just, you know, terribly unfunny. But then the full horror of Maynard’s situation hit me. As shown through three things:

    1. His scrawny neck yet painfully distended belly. A horiffic physique usually only seen on tragically starving third world children.

    2. The dull, zombie-like stare on his face that never changes, never. As if any semblance of hope or joy has been long gone from his life.

    And, above all,

    3. “I was told there would be food.” As if the notion of food and eating is so alien to him by now that he’s not entirely sure if he believes it, yet alone remembers it.

    Clearly the “Temporary Cat Services” is a paper thin front for some sort of diabolic cat exploitation ring.

  129. majolo
    March 23rd, 2007 at 10:52 am [Reply]

    Lockhorns: I have to disagree. Loretta’s mother doesn’t have the broken-glass lip, nor the stairstep forehead.

    Marmaduke: I see the artist has been cribbing from The Scream.

  130. Old Fogeyette
    March 23rd, 2007 at 10:54 am [Reply]

    MW: Has anyone pointed out yet that Vera’s ass is absolutely flat? I think she may be a zomboid paper doll, sent to Charterstone by some berserk Dick Tracy villain to discover the secret of non-aging or reverse aging, as demonstrated by Mary. (Yes, she’s an old biddy, but by all rights she should be well into her hundreds by now.)

    JP: So was the French hooker being sarcastic, or is she really working on a PhD project?

    MT: I’m glad that Mark realizes coffee is necessary to help with thought processes. But it’s kind of hard to understand why so much thought has to go into the little eye hook. I think he could use some help from the French hooker, who is really smart, either by virtue of having passed her PhD exams or by virtue of her quick snarking.

  131. willethompson
    March 23rd, 2007 at 10:58 am [Reply]

    #110 MonkeyHawk – My brother! The Law of Threes!!! YESSS! And Neil Simon’s K Rule (which is just a codification of Warner Bros cartoons and the Marx Bros)! I thought I was a voice in the wilderness, but now I can point to the unwashed and say, “Look, if a freakish simian/avian hybrid knows this, why don’t you?”

    (Uh, sorry about the sim/av thing – some of my best friends are simavian…)

  132. ElSanto
    March 23rd, 2007 at 11:06 am [Reply]

    The FW obsession with cancer reminds me of one of the episodes of Teen Girl Squad. There’s a part where two guys are walking down the hall. The first guy asks his friend, “Band name?” The second replies, “Band name.” And so on.

    All you have to do is replace “Band name” with “Cancer,” and you got yourself a bonafide Funky Winkerbean strip. Only … marginally more funny.

  133. Calico
    March 23rd, 2007 at 11:06 am [Reply]

    #88-thought I wasn’t going to post today (mouth is in pain due to a Plugger tooth extraction, thankfully in the back o’bouche) but I loved your Earl Anthony reference. 300 indeed! I used to watch him when I bowled in junior leagues in the ’70′s.
    1970′s that is.
    Ow.

  134. Edward
    March 23rd, 2007 at 11:08 am [Reply]

    I’m doing a humanities PhD, and believe me, prostitution would be a well-paid, flexible and pleasant job compared to some of the shite I’ve had to muck through. I taught English to fifty 14-year-old Spanish girls for a whole summer. No offence to any Spanish here, but after that experience, I have refused to travel to Spain, eat tapas, or drink Rioja ever again. Ever.

    (shudders, drinks quietly and alone)

  135. Anonymous
    March 23rd, 2007 at 11:09 am [Reply]

    Anyone ever noticed that Get Fuzzy is out of alphabetical order on the Houston Chronicle’s comics web site?

    http://www.chron.com/apps/comics/showComics.mpl

    This boring-est comment ever was brought to you by the letters R, T, and the number 6.

  136. Skullturf Q. Beavispants
    March 23rd, 2007 at 11:11 am [Reply]

    It’s like they’ve alphabetized it under “Fuzzy”.

  137. Tomcat
    March 23rd, 2007 at 11:15 am [Reply]

    Luann- Oh boy, here we go again. Luann’s gonna talk Brad into throwing a big party at the rental house… unless Brad learns from last time and kicks Luann and her friends out before they cause any trouble.

  138. Lyman Returns
    March 23rd, 2007 at 11:18 am [Reply]

    #127-Ha back at ya! Yes, Anson did indeed shoot first. Yes, he did. Another denizen of the comics page who dresses like Han Solo on a regular basis: The dad from ‘Zits’. I have yet to see anyone in real life rock the white-shirt/black-vest combo unless they’re a) in a wedding b) dressing like Han Solo for Halloween. Darn comics pages! Why can’t they be more true-to-life? What? There are talking animals in comics? I feel…upset and confused. I need to think about this for a while.

    PS: Imagine Lando Calrissian saying “Come on, Anson, old buddy, don’t let me down!”

  139. willethompson
    March 23rd, 2007 at 11:19 am [Reply]

    Uh, Dingo? Hogen? Everyone? Did I miss a meeting? Aren’t we invading Canada today? Friday, right? ‘Cause I’m in Fort Erie right now and although lunch at George’s Good Food was okay, I’m at a strip mall off the QEW and everyone thinks I’m part of a publicity stunt for Trojan condoms even tho’ the armor I’m wearing is clearly Spartan. Guys? Helloooo?

  140. MossMoses
    March 23rd, 2007 at 11:21 am [Reply]

    Is it the gown or has LizardBreath had some breast augmentation done? She does need a little ballast up front to balance out her blubbery turd cutter but she’s looking like Tiffany Towers from the profile angle.

  141. Gadge Cubic, Mole Preener
    March 23rd, 2007 at 11:22 am [Reply]

    Do you think Josh is cooking up something special for the Millennipost(tm)? Like, say, an entire post in mystical quatrains? Or a post with a secret link announcing a contest whereby ten special comics in ten special papers will have a gold-leaf underlay that will allow the lucky winner to tour the mighty factory where the reclusive Josh pens his ‘mudgeonings? Or perhaps: encoded Canadian invasion plans?

  142. ChrisP
    March 23rd, 2007 at 11:22 am [Reply]

    Judging by that lady’s top, “PhD in Sociology” is french for prostitution

  143. UnderstatementJones
    March 23rd, 2007 at 11:23 am [Reply]

    MT: “I am, Cherry, upset and confused.”

    Dennis the Menace: “It’s your turn, Joey, to go ask Mr. Wilson for our ball back.”

    Who knew Mark Trail’s crippling Grammatical Awkwardness Disorder (GAD) was contagious?

    In the Post, DTM is right underneath MT, so it looks like it’s actually spreading to the immediately surrounding panels.

    Panel three of Mark Trail also reveals his autism. Though the angle is poor and the wobble lines are missing, it’s obvious here that Mark is rocking back and forth soothingly, trying to pick out the words for his feelings from his handy-dandy chart with emoticons on it, a la some episode of Law and Order I saw not too long ago. “I am, Cherry, upset and confused. Also . . . sad, and . . . hungry. DON’T TOUCH ME! I WANT TO GO HOME!”

  144. SixFootJen
    March 23rd, 2007 at 11:28 am [Reply]

    #48 John C. Fremont: Yes, it would be exceptionally creepy if Mike were inviting his sister to be his “significant other.” However, the character you’re looking at is Warren The Helicopter Pilot.* We know this because of two things: (1) Warren has dark hair and St. Michael has light hair, and (2) Michael would never sleep with Liz. Not because it’s incest, but because he’s just way out of her league.

    *Not to be confused with Warren the Ape.

  145. anne
    March 23rd, 2007 at 11:33 am [Reply]

    Rose is Rose rant: I know it’s never really “lifelike” or anything, but today’s is possibly the most horrific I’ve ever seen. I’m trying to figure out what’s going on with her ass there. The pants look like they might be furry, given the confusingly jagged border. Perhaps that’s why her ass is so much bigger than her waist? In any case, it’s better than if that were just a freakishly huge and weirdly-shaped ass.

  146. Reedzilla
    March 23rd, 2007 at 11:44 am [Reply]

    I found it odd that the credit for today’s TDIET was given to “a number of wives all over USA” when the comic shows the husband getting the business end of the bitchystick. Is this to mean that numerous women wrote in complaining about themselves?

  147. Kronkina
    March 23rd, 2007 at 11:46 am [Reply]

    PreTeena: Has Jeri always had boobs? Because I never noticed them before and they seem rather prominent today.

    Also, I don’t get the joke.

  148. willethompson
    March 23rd, 2007 at 11:50 am [Reply]

    #141 Gadge – Rumors have been leaking out that ?p=1000 will be personally signed by Josh, be posted in HD 3D format (did you get your glasses?) and there will be a drawing to see who wins one of the OompaLoompas that draw Dick Tracy! Door prizes include:

    The Mary Worth remix of Pink Floyd’s ‘Meddle!’

    Jim Davis is kicking in a giclée of the template he xeroxes to ‘draw’ Garfield, rubber stamped with his signature by an intern!

    A signed first edition of “Growing Stones” sealed in a gallon jug of the author’s own urine!

    Oh, yes, a requiem is being composed by old Julliard classmates Phillip Glass and Peter Schickele. It will be the first three notes of Three Blind Mice played on a tromboon. Forever.

    I’m staying glued to the monitor tonight…if only because this tube of Krazy Stik exploded in my hand while I was repairing my glasses and the acetone doesn’t seem to be dissolving it. Note to me: take glasses OFF next time…

  149. D.A.Pennington
    March 23rd, 2007 at 11:55 am [Reply]

    Today’s FOOB: I think it’s time for Warren to change the oil in his hair.

  150. PeteMoss
    March 23rd, 2007 at 11:57 am [Reply]

    H&L (3/23) – Is OCDC’s drummer wearing a bell hop hat? Maybe an organ-grinder monkey’s hat? Monkey boy is using a timpani mallet, too. These guys are good but they’re still just a pale impression of Attention-Deficit Disorder Clowns (ADDC). Nice detail in the picture, though. I like the PA mixer sitting on a box near the racks.

  151. Poteet
    March 23rd, 2007 at 11:59 am [Reply]

    # 139 — Um, wille, I thought the march was going to take place immediately after the Foobacolypse in September, right after the strip “ends” (we should be so lucky) with Lizardbreath marrying Granthony and the last words of the strip are uttered, “for better or for worse.” Unless plans have changed.

    I do really sympathize, and I bet you look really good in your armor, tapping your spear on your shield. There has got to be some way that you could use that outfit to make some moolah, as long as you’re up there. Let us know what happens!

  152. Uncle Lumpy
    March 23rd, 2007 at 12:01 pm [Reply]

    Other comics’ storylines branch. Funky‘s metastasize.

  153. AhClem
    March 23rd, 2007 at 12:01 pm [Reply]

    JP – Neddy’s expression in the last panel looks like the old light bulb just clicked on. As Dan Aykroyd said in the movie “Trading Places”:
    “Hey! you’re a … a … prostitute!”

  154. FlaGator
    March 23rd, 2007 at 12:06 pm [Reply]

    The jaunty beret with matching denim jean-and-jacket ensemble, leopard-print bustier, detailed blonde tousles and nigh-photorealistic cleavage shadowing had me thinking for a moment that JP had somehow strayed into the territory of Spider-Man’s mammarific MJ. Wait — could it be that the names aren’t coincidental? Is Peter Parker really Judge Parker’s son, disowned for being a pansy? “Felled by a falling brick!? Damn it, Peter, I know a French Brittany who’s a better crimefighter than you! Go live with my sister May, and never darken my doorstep again!”

  155. PeteMoss
    March 23rd, 2007 at 12:07 pm [Reply]

    Panel 3, 3/23, MT – Mark is obviously upset about something. Just look at him. So why is Cherry yelling at him? I don’t like the tone of her exclamation point. (Her other point’s ok, though.)

  156. The Avocado Avenger
    March 23rd, 2007 at 12:08 pm [Reply]

    #26 Mr O’Malley: I think bread is a regional difference. Our grocery always has a huge display of unsliced breads, the “artisan” kinds and the standard “French”. I got a huge bread knife for just that reason. Since I live in the Midwest, I assume Le Pluggeurs would be familiar with this “too cheap to slice bread” type of grocery store.

    #97 andreavis: Chickens do too wear glasses! Haven’t you seen “Looney Tunes”? Widow Hen’s little son wore glasses! I mean, sometimes it’s like you don’t know anything about chickens.

    JP: I just know that lady’s going to claim she’s not really hooking, she’s simply doing research for her dissertation. Like that Kim Novak movie “Boys Night Out”, except with more leopard print spandex and cleavage. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

  157. jules
    March 23rd, 2007 at 12:13 pm [Reply]

    #117 zeeba – “Love Is” is always BLEAHHHHHHHH!!!!!

  158. Chromium
    March 23rd, 2007 at 12:16 pm [Reply]

    Sorry, Josh, if you assume Leroy and the mother-in-law are the same character, you pretty much have to assume that Leroy and Loretta are the same character too. And then it becomes a strip about a sad, lonely, crossdressing old man who argues with himself all day. And that’s just… well, actually, that raises the awesome factor of the strip by about 1000. Hmm.

    Also, today Bruce Tinsley brings us the arresting image of a floating duck head over three panels’ worth of demented rambling. This looks more like something you’d find taped to the wall in a subway station than on the comics pages.

  159. AhClem
    March 23rd, 2007 at 12:17 pm [Reply]

    “Love Is…” can be entertaining if you use the pictures with alternate captions. I can’t recall who posted this originally, but it’s worth a peek:

    http://theendofhumor.blogspot.com/

  160. PeteMoss
    March 23rd, 2007 at 12:26 pm [Reply]

    Marmaduke is terrorizing this poor, breakfast-eating family. The kids look traumatized by the big dog making demands for syrup. He’s almost as scary as Chennux!

  161. Gabe
    March 23rd, 2007 at 12:29 pm [Reply]

    Preteena: The older sister has boobs, the younger does not. Hence some people getting uncomfortable when the younger had her shirt pulled up over her head the other week.

    I would say Garfield’s gotten so bad that even he’s phoning it in, but hey, they drew a new character. Shocking.

  162. gh
    March 23rd, 2007 at 12:31 pm [Reply]

    I’m not going to make the p=1000 party, but I expect to hear fireworks in the distance this evening and the dull roar of the Snarkers’ Anthem [courtesy of Queen]. Feel free to add verses – I left a bucket of names next to the turntable. If you want to play and your name doesn’t scan, make up a new one for the weekend. The Millennium is a good opportunity to invent or re-invent yourself. You can always go back on Monday. If the weekend forecast holds up, I should be back in about 847 comments. Have fun!

    Oh, and Death to Gil Thorp. Especially this week. Jeez.

    (drops needle onto record)

    Whump whump THUMP!
    Whump whump THUMP!
    Whump whump THUMP!
    Whump whump THUMP!

    Uncle Lumpy, Gadge,
    willethompson
    fizzy logic, Kate,
    Dingo, MonkeyHawk, jules, and Gabe

    We got Old Fogeyette
    and stinky pete
    CHENNUX, Red Greenback, SPOI
    And Poteet!

    Singin’

    We will we will SNARK YOU!
    We will we will SNARK YOU!

    Harry Paratestes, PeteMoss
    (take it)

  163. Mushuweasel
    March 23rd, 2007 at 12:33 pm [Reply]

    On Monday’s Judge Parker: Are there really people in Paris who stand outside Metro stations in nothing but a bikini top and a belt? I do believe I’ve been putting off my Francophallic … er … -phillic holiday for too long.

  164. queek
    March 23rd, 2007 at 12:33 pm [Reply]

    PBS: best croc strip EVAR! (ok, maybe not, but dang, I lol’d)

    Overboard: as owner of a pet traumatized by the vacuum, I feel your pain, dog.

    Lio: just O_O. That this is by the same guy who does Heart of the City is just mind-boggling.

    Garfield: Maynard should go over to Get Fuzzy. Or hang with Foodar.

    FOOB: *gag*

    “Ghost who packs heat” made my day

  165. Chromium
    March 23rd, 2007 at 12:34 pm [Reply]

    84, Artist…Ben – Holy shit at today’s “Ziggy.” One can only assume Tom Wilson’s studio has been taken over by the same band of marauders that hijacked “Agnes” recently. Maybe next we’ll see Al Scaduto do a cartoon about teen sex.

  166. Trotzenbonnie
    March 23rd, 2007 at 12:34 pm [Reply]

    #152–Uncle Lumpy
    If that comment doesn’t show up in the next edition of COTW I’m going to invade Baltimore, Maryland USA. Reconnoiter at Louie’s Bookstore/Cafe.

  167. SatanicMechanic
    March 23rd, 2007 at 12:35 pm [Reply]

    Oh please, if there is a god, let Alex from Doonsbury and her blond roomate be lesbians! PLEASE! It would make Alex bearable! It would be a great twist! It would satisfy the wants of anyone who’s ever observed that there are NO lesbians in the comics page!!! Whats up with that?
    Please, hear my prayer.

    -SM (whoa- I never noticed that before!)

  168. AndreaD
    March 23rd, 2007 at 12:36 pm [Reply]

    JP: Perhaps the Brooklyn-born sociologist hooker was worried that the Americans would confuse “Brooklyn” with its Dutch namesake, “Breukelen”.

    Not that Americans generally make mistakes like that. I think Moscow would probably be the only city name for which you might be able to enjoy a mix-up joke that works. And by “works” I mean “bores by makes sense”.

  169. Non-Shannon
    March 23rd, 2007 at 12:46 pm [Reply]

    Young Whippersnapperina sounds like a Scaduto name.
    As for me becoming Shannon, I guess there could be worse things, like becoming Liz Patterson…
    Beeauughhghgh.

  170. PeteMoss
    March 23rd, 2007 at 12:46 pm [Reply]

    # 162. gh. Got it!

    Johnston you’re an asshat,
    Dumb hack,
    Hat rack
    Putrefying up the whole comics page!
    Lizzin’ up the place!
    Book disgrace!
    300 Folks are gonna scatter your face!
    Singin’
    We will we will Snark you!
    We will we will Snark you!

  171. Meander
    March 23rd, 2007 at 12:48 pm [Reply]

    Apparently this week’s “talking point” amongst the conservative cartoonists is “global warming is bogus”.

    Mallard Fillmore has been on it all week, with links to townhall.com today.

    Prickly City is using PICTURES of Sports Illustrated covers today, apparently to demonstrate that anyone who cares about the issue is an idiot and should mind their own beeswax.

    Do these guys get extra money from the oil companies for running this stuff?

  172. treedweller
    March 23rd, 2007 at 12:48 pm [Reply]

    Like so many here, I once liked FOOB and now loathe it. In recent days, I’ve noticed a few strips that were not really noteworthy, but certainly were not all that bad, either. Yet residual bile from the interim days when sanctimony filled the air left me wanting to firebomb the Johnston studios all the same, and coments here suggest others feel the same way.

    So I’m wondering: is there anything Lynn could do that would salvage this pile o’ crap? I mean, things that might actually happen (sure, we’d all like to see a nuclear strike against Canada* that would incinerate all the Pattersons, but it’s safe to say neither Johnston nor the newspapers would go for that)? How could she regain the strip’s glory?

    *no, I don’t really want to see Canada nuked–just the fictional FOOB Canada.

  173. Hogen Mogen
    March 23rd, 2007 at 12:51 pm [Reply]

    #109 Len – Re: Lio
    I do NOT want to think about where that squid’s head is right now.

    #139 – Willie: Strip mall? Is that like a strip club? I thought Mintz would be a good place to conviene, as downstairs there’s a place called Peppermintz that exploits the naked male form as trashily as the upstairs tribute to the free market porn economy exploits the unclothed females.

  174. Meander
    March 23rd, 2007 at 12:53 pm [Reply]

    Oh, and Ohio passed a state-wide law banning smoking in restaurants last year.

    FW is beating a dead horse. You won, non-smokers, get over it.

  175. Uncle Lumpy
    March 23rd, 2007 at 1:06 pm [Reply]

    *** BREAKING NEWS ***

    Bravo Network (owned by NBC, a subsidiary of General Electric) has added Television Without Pity to its “portfolio of digital assets.” Press release here; view-with-alarm coverage in Slate here.

    OK, Josh – King, Trib, or WaPo? My money’s on WaPo – this “Bring Back Mary Worth” campaign is a smokescreen! And all that time in D.C. “at Wonkette”? Ha!

    Next at Joshreads: all Doonesbury, all the time!

  176. ohyes
    March 23rd, 2007 at 1:07 pm [Reply]

    I find that briefly microwaving somewhat-stale bread does much to restore softness. If it restored freshness, I’d microwave the whole damn funny pages and burn, baby, burn.

  177. Uncle Lumpy
    March 23rd, 2007 at 1:08 pm [Reply]

    Oops -

    Correct TWOP link here.

  178. Lyman Returns
    March 23rd, 2007 at 1:11 pm [Reply]

    #174-Coincedentally, there’s also a Brooklyn, Ohio. American Greetings has its headquarters near there.

    I don’t possess the rhyming/song parodying abilities some of the rest of you guys have, so I won’t attempt to add verses to your version of “We Will Rock You”. I will say, however, it is totally RAD.

  179. PeteMoss
    March 23rd, 2007 at 1:12 pm [Reply]

    FC- I know this is a nit-picky point, (That’s why we’re here, right?) but why is Papa Keane raking up green leaves and why is he doing it in March? Those little hellspawn of his must be killing the vegetation around their compound. Maybe all those poisoned pets they buried in the yard have contaminated the soil.

    Poor Barfy. Now we know how you got the name.

  180. Buck Ripsnort
    March 23rd, 2007 at 1:13 pm [Reply]

    176-ohyes– Better yet, make like Funky and cook ‘em in a pizza oven! Though that would probably cause cancer, wouldn’t it?

  181. Hogen Mogen
    March 23rd, 2007 at 1:16 pm [Reply]

    I took the duckbait, and I looked up Mallard’s “open minded scientist”. Sowell’s article is on an extreme right wing website, and Sowell is not a scientist, nor is he particularly open minded. His article doesn’t reference scientific data, either, it references a BBC broadcast. So, this “comic” is an advertisement for an extremist web site, essentially.

    It doesn’t get its facts right, either, calling Mr. Gore “a politician”. He is a former politician and current businessman. And, his house uses less electricity than Cheney’s.

  182. Meander
    March 23rd, 2007 at 1:17 pm [Reply]

    178 – Now see, if you’re from Brooklyn, Ohio, then you may have to explain that. Otherwise everyone will think you’re from New York.

    Hilarity ensues.

  183. Meander
    March 23rd, 2007 at 1:19 pm [Reply]

    181 – Mallard was lying. No surprise there.

  184. Thoth
    March 23rd, 2007 at 1:20 pm [Reply]

    Who knew a Mallard Fillmore strip would contain a canard?
    (I apologize in advance.)

  185. Gadge Cubic, Mole Preener
    March 23rd, 2007 at 1:20 pm [Reply]

    It’s just this Chromium (158) switch here: Also, today Bruce Tinsley brings us the arresting image of a floating duck head over three panels’ worth of demented rambling. This looks more like something you’d find taped to the wall in a subway station than on the comics pages: Except I think using tape as an adhesive is beyond his current capabilities. I suspect various viscous body fluids, most likely of a nasal origin, as the likeliest suspect.

    (Hope it’s no one’s lunchtime…)

  186. Old Fogeyette
    March 23rd, 2007 at 1:21 pm [Reply]

    We will, we will snark you! is great! Thanks, guys! More!

    I thought about staying up for the millenipost, but today is my fourth wedding anniversary, and I expect Mr. OF and I will have better things to do. Or at least more compelling things.

    But maybe Josh will surprise us.

  187. Gadge Cubic, Mole Preener
    March 23rd, 2007 at 1:27 pm [Reply]

    (psst: Did Old Fogeyette just invite Josh to join her & Mr. OF in a three-way?)

  188. PeteMoss
    March 23rd, 2007 at 1:30 pm [Reply]

    181 Hogen, 182 Cubic

    You’re missing the point. The mainstream media, with its MARGOing “reporting,” is only giving us “facts.” We can’t trust that kind of closed-mindedness. Thank God an alcoholic cartoonist and his little green/black duck are around to tell us the trooth.

    I wonder how Tinsley’s grassroots campaign to get that Williams guy nominated for president is coming along.

  189. Pelagius
    March 23rd, 2007 at 1:34 pm [Reply]

    yellojkt: A lot happened between the time I started writing that post, was interrupted by work(!), got a coffee, googled around long enough to find the sociology prof. escort story, and finally posted it.

  190. willethompson
    March 23rd, 2007 at 1:35 pm [Reply]

    as per #162 gh and #170 PeteMoss…

    Mary Worth and Ella, Aldo, Tobey,
    and abunchameddlin’ jerks at Charterstone!
    Ya got Margo McGee,
    Spinster Tommie,
    Luann huffin’ fumes in Apartment 3G!

    We will we will SNARK YOU!
    We will we will SNARK YOU!

    Lizardbreath and Michael, April, Elly,
    It’s a FOOBic universe sure to make you groan!
    Ya got a Trail named Mark!
    Andy no bark!
    Diver Dan swimming away in the dark!

    We will we will SNARK YOU!
    We will we will SNARK YOU!

    Abbey Spencer, Neddy, Metro, muggers
    A prostitute doctor who’s far from home!
    Ya got June so keen!
    It’s just obscene!
    Niki making her garage so shiny and clean!

    We will we will SNARK YOU!
    We will we will SNARK YOU!

  191. commodorejohn
    March 23rd, 2007 at 1:37 pm [Reply]

    I’m getting a lot of wide-eyed shocks here. #159 just introduced me to the existence of “Love Is…,” and I must say I’ve never been quite so horrified before. Then #165 went and pointed out that Agnes strip (the Ziggy one just made me laugh – I didn’t even think Tom Wilson knew about anime, much less thought it well-known enough to be topical.) Anyway, my eyes are just about popping out of my skull right now, and I’ll probably be in the Arkham Asylum by the end of the day as these nightmarish alien concepts rattle around in my head for the rest of the afternoon.

  192. Artist formerly known as Ben
    March 23rd, 2007 at 1:39 pm [Reply]

    #165 Chromium.
    Re: Al Scaduto. We can only hope. We can only fear. Hope. Fear.

    Excuse me, I have to go get my knuckles tattooed.

  193. PeteMoss
    March 23rd, 2007 at 1:41 pm [Reply]

    190. willethompson

    show-off.

  194. Widdle Jeffy
    March 23rd, 2007 at 1:46 pm [Reply]

    A sneak peek at Monday’s FC reveals the line, “Mommy, where is daddy tonight?”

    Thel’s response, “Oh, he had a appointment to meet with a male sociologist.”

    Jeffy, “OK, I was wondering why he was borrowing your underwear this morning.”

  195. yellojkt
    March 23rd, 2007 at 1:47 pm [Reply]

    Pelagius (#189): I figured as much. There can’t be too many Sociology PhD’s out there turning tricks.

  196. Adjuster
    March 23rd, 2007 at 1:49 pm [Reply]

    167 SM: Actually, they’re all here. It’s not what you’re looking for, though.

  197. Professor Fate
    March 23rd, 2007 at 1:54 pm [Reply]

    FOOB:
    today’s strip, until they do the Liz and the pornstahe get married series, will stand as the most apalling load of insipid treacle yet. The combination of cloying fake maudlin sementialtiy over Mike’s book combined with the braindead leaden foreshadowing for Liz makes one physically ill – it’s like being force fed badly made cotton candy and funnelcake with bits of cinder block added for fiber.

    And guys – and Lynn you should know this – you throw parties when the damn book is published – that way a) the publisher tosses in a few bucks b) the author gets to sign copies (hopefully those bought by the folks coming to the party) and c) you get a little buzz about something you are trying to sell and d) lastly not every Manuscript that is bought is published – hence waitng. But this is FOOBworld I keep forgetting.

    Actually since they are all in one place right now is it too much to wish for a plane crash? A big jet liner taking the building out – or they all get cancer and die from something they ate at the party. Perhaps the Salmon moose.

  198. Monkey David
    March 23rd, 2007 at 1:55 pm [Reply]

    So I know it’s ridiculous to get upset about Crankshaft being illogical, but isn’t one of the central jokes of the damn comic (besides knocking down mailboxes and bad brownies) that Crankshaft doesn’t wait for kids long enough? Didn’t they even have a comic where he was getting an award from other bus drivers for always being first to the school, sometimes with an empty bus? Now they are doing a whole week on Crankshaft being last to school–a whole week of the same stupid, contradictory joke every damn day?!
    I’m going to talk to my therapist about this.

  199. bootsybooks
    March 23rd, 2007 at 1:57 pm [Reply]

    !40, MossMoses

    blubbery turd cutter

    I laughed and laughed and laughed. I’m now going tu use this term every chance I get.

  200. Old Fogeyette
    March 23rd, 2007 at 2:00 pm [Reply]

    #187 Gadge: Hahaha! Yes, I saw the double-entendre AFTER I had posted. But it is an idea, isn’t it? What a way to celebrate the millenipost! Though I doubt if Mr. OF would go along with it.

  201. fizzy logic
    March 23rd, 2007 at 2:08 pm [Reply]

    THUMP THUMP THUMP
    THUMP THUMP THUMP

    Tyler you’re a dumb pr*ck
    Barky stick
    Ugly chick
    Findin’ out your plan for more B-ball time
    Lying ’round the place
    Scrambled up your face
    Antenna girl from outer space
    Singin’
    We will – we will snark you!
    We will – we will snark you!

  202. willethompson
    March 23rd, 2007 at 2:09 pm [Reply]

    #175 UL – Bravo/NBC refers to the TVw/oP website as, and I quote, a “linked digital asset.” That the scariest piece of corpspeak I’ve heard since “branding.” “Linked digital asset” sounds like using fingers to insert a string of pearls into two…

    Ewwwwwww.

  203. commodorejohn
    March 23rd, 2007 at 2:12 pm [Reply]

    Gasoline Alley – “We need a dishwasher in the worst way!”

  204. Walt-o-Rama
    March 23rd, 2007 at 2:26 pm [Reply]

    Gasoline Alley – “We need a dishwasher in the worst way!”

    What is the worst possible way? Standing up in a hammock?

  205. bootsybooks
    March 23rd, 2007 at 2:30 pm [Reply]

    #187, Gadge, yes. Yes she did. Fogeytte (as I refuse to believe you are old!) you dog you!

  206. LariLee
    March 23rd, 2007 at 2:34 pm [Reply]

    From the incredibly big breasted blonde whose style of dress makes most celebrities look demure, I have learned that ‘getting my PH.D in Sociology’ is a new phrase for ‘turning tricks and giving blow jobs.’ Wow, comics are such educational these days!

  207. fizzy logic
    March 23rd, 2007 at 2:56 pm [Reply]

    #125 – bootsybooks – Thanks for clearing that up. You could start shaking things up for yourself over here in Vancouver, which has a sizable Asian-Canadian population. Then you have a looooong way east until you get to any diversity again, but I’m no expert in eastern Canadian towns. But you’ve had enough upheaval in your life lately, haven’t you? Maybe you should just give yourself a break.

    #55- Joshreads CC Compliance – Flat Intuition, eh? I kind of like the sound of that, especially on my none-too-logical days.

    #88 Wille – I find that image of you in your centurion outfit, um, how-shall-we-say, compelling? Send pictures! Gadge, if you want to join in, feel free! However you’d like to join in….

    Oh, and well done, both you and PeteMoss, on your portions of the We Will Snark You!

  208. Skullturf Q. Beavispants
    March 23rd, 2007 at 2:59 pm [Reply]

    fizzylogic — I was in Burnaby from 1999 to 2006.

  209. PeteMoss
    March 23rd, 2007 at 3:00 pm [Reply]

    #55.

    This millenipost thing is starting to scare me. Should I be under my desk? Is this what all those duck-and-cover drills were all about? I’m not prepared?! Will I be…..LEFT BEHIND?

    #201 fizzy rocks!*

    *Don’t consume fizzy rocks with carbonated soft drinks.

    #34 LV has a keen insight into the pacing of Spider-man.

  210. Lynngineering
    March 23rd, 2007 at 3:01 pm [Reply]

    #197 Prof.Fate- “today’s strip, until they do the Liz and the pornstahe get married series, will stand as the most apalling load of insipid treacle yet.”

    Those sentiments have been repeated and will be repeated for some time. We haven’t seen the MOST insipid treacle, what Lynn is cooking up in small batches along the way is sublime in comparison to today, I am positive.

  211. fizzy logic
    March 23rd, 2007 at 3:07 pm [Reply]

    #208 – SQB – Then your name shoud be Chilliwack Q. Beavispants. There is no excuse.

  212. Gadge Cubic, Mole Preener
    March 23rd, 2007 at 3:20 pm [Reply]

    UBIQUIduck and cover. Please.

  213. Dan Coyle
    March 23rd, 2007 at 3:26 pm [Reply]

    Judge Parker: Sometimes I think Eduardo Barreto, like Graham Nolan, would much rather be drawing a superhero comic.

  214. Trotzenbonnie
    March 23rd, 2007 at 3:30 pm [Reply]

    Marmaduke’s a dog. Real big dog.
    Great big dog.
    Friggin same old joke Brad A.’s gonna flog.
    You got donuts on your ass.
    That watch gave you gas.
    Soon you’ll be crappin’ all over the place.
    Singing.
    We will we will snark you.

    I’m just going to dig a hole in the backyard and bury myself now….

  215. queek
    March 23rd, 2007 at 3:32 pm [Reply]

    212: darn. beat me to it.

  216. Gadge Cubic, Mole Preener
    March 23rd, 2007 at 3:38 pm [Reply]

    Here’s something that’s got even Liz beat.

  217. Dingo
    March 23rd, 2007 at 3:44 pm [Reply]

    Curmudgeons are a-snarkin’
    Poteet’s larkin’
    ‘cuz the magmacannon has been put in place
    We’ve got leather and lace
    And soon embrace
    Our triumph over Lynn jeering at her disgrace!
    Shouting
    We will we will snark you
    Sing it!
    We will we will snark you

    Mark Trail’s up in LoFo
    Got ‘im Cherry bo-fo
    Molly? Rusty? Either in a pinch
    He’ll shove c*ck in your face
    Beaver ace
    His right hook is the hammer of the true master race!
    Shouting
    We will we will snark you
    Sing it!
    We will we will snark you

    (guitar rif)

    Tommie? Tommie Thompson
    Wants to romp some
    Gets her jollies from a mustache ride
    She’s got jam on her thighs
    Trenchcoat disguise
    People in her building dread the sound of her sighs
    Shouting
    We will we will snark you
    Sing it!
    We will we will snark you
    Say it
    We will we will snark you
    Sing it!
    We will we will snark you

  218. Old Fogeyette
    March 23rd, 2007 at 3:48 pm [Reply]

    #205 Bootsybooks: I’ll tell you how I know I’m old. Increasingly, service people call me “young lady” and others refer to me as “young at heart.” (Retch, vomit, puke.)

  219. fizzy logic
    March 23rd, 2007 at 3:49 pm [Reply]

    #214 – Brava, Trotzenbonnie! Well done!

  220. Poteet
    March 23rd, 2007 at 3:50 pm [Reply]

    # 172 — Treedweller, I can’t speak for others here, but I am a Foobloatharian, sworn to loathe the Foobiverse, and nothing Lynn can do between now and September could make up for the past few years. The only exception would have to come not from Lynn but from Curmudgeons. If most snarkers here rose up in acclaim at some new Foob development, and if said phenomenon was not caused by gunpoint or drugs, I might, just might, reconsider. But it ain’t gonna happen. Death to Foobville.

  221. Anonymous
    March 23rd, 2007 at 3:50 pm [Reply]

    Ahem

    Farley’s six feet under thanks to April’s goof
    Barfy does just what his name implies
    Abbey says bark,
    Andy’s no narc
    Marmaduke will drag you all around the park!

    We will we will snark you (bark)
    We will we will snark you (bark)

  222. PeteMoss
    March 23rd, 2007 at 3:51 pm [Reply]

    212. Gadge

    Give a man a duck, and he eats for a day.
    Teach a man to duck, and he survives the millenipost…and Nuclear Annihilation.

  223. Raznor
    March 23rd, 2007 at 3:53 pm [Reply]

    I think Margo’s reference to someone being “sweet” is quite literal – she is such a connoisseur in human flesh she can tell how someone will taste just by looking at them. “He seems tangy, probably would go great with a garlic cream sauce.”

  224. Anonymous
    March 23rd, 2007 at 3:57 pm [Reply]

    In the south, you can say anything you want about someone, as long as you add “bless his/her heart”.

    As in: Jolene had that mongoloid baby, well, because her brother is the father, and nobody in that family was ever right in the head so she’s no better than she ought to be, bless her heart.

  225. fizzy logic
    March 23rd, 2007 at 4:02 pm [Reply]

    #217 – Dingo – Bwahahahaha! Your usual genius!

    #221 – Anon – Abbey would like you to identify yourself – Bark! (She means “nicely done!”

  226. Poteet
    March 23rd, 2007 at 4:02 pm [Reply]

    # 186 — Happy Anniversary, Old Fogeyette!

    Dummy scummy dim duck
    Scribbled by a dumb schmuck
    Climate change is a liberal plot
    He knows science is wrong
    Give him the gong!
    Odor of cheap hooch awfully strong
    Singin’
    We will, we will SNARK YOU!
    We will, we will SNARK YOU!

  227. PeteMoss
    March 23rd, 2007 at 4:08 pm [Reply]

    A3G- I can relate, somewhat, to Gary’s situation. In college, a good friend and I met this cute girl while attending a party. He projected more of the bad-boy image and had little problem using women and breaking hearts, so, obviously, she was attracted to him. I just waited and picked up the pieces after the inevitable with “Neil.” Then I dated the girl for over a year until I fully realized what a huge mistake I had made.

    Don’t talk yourself into it Gary. Run. Run now. Sanity is fragile thing.

  228. Tomcat
    March 23rd, 2007 at 4:11 pm [Reply]

    Judge Parker- And how the hell often does a busty babe dressed like a hooker get a Ph D. in Sociology?

  229. PeteMoss
    March 23rd, 2007 at 4:13 pm [Reply]

    JP- Is that a meeting with a faculty advisor going on in the background of panel 1?

  230. MrP
    March 23rd, 2007 at 4:14 pm [Reply]

    The last panel in Apartment 3G is comedy gold if you imagine them actually moving their heads the way the bobble-lines would suggest. I suggest you try it: Take the redhead’s position, turn your head, and wobble it from side to side while you say “But he’s the wrong man!”

  231. PeteMoss
    March 23rd, 2007 at 4:15 pm [Reply]

    229 – 3/22 JP, panel 1, that is.

  232. willethompson
    March 23rd, 2007 at 4:24 pm [Reply]

    Trotzenbonnie, Dingo, snarky lingo,
    Poteet, PeteMoss, Fizzy all play!
    Abbey goes BARK!
    Adds to the snark!
    Riffin’ on funnies like a walk in the park!

    We will we will SNARK YOU!
    Bring it!
    We will we will SNARK YOU!
    Bring it!

  233. Old Fogeyette
    March 23rd, 2007 at 4:38 pm [Reply]

    Winkerbean & tragedy
    His Galactic Majesty
    All mixed up in a story arc
    Whore a la mode
    My head will explode
    All it takes is one incendiary spark!

    We will we will SNARK you!

  234. bootsybooks
    March 23rd, 2007 at 4:40 pm [Reply]

    Boxcarsaturnmargo! That was me in #22. Not trying to steal Abbey’s thunder, er bark. Thanks, fizzy!

    My first song parody attempt too!

  235. bootsybooks
    March 23rd, 2007 at 4:41 pm [Reply]

    goddamit! I meant in #221

  236. bootsybooks
    March 23rd, 2007 at 4:45 pm [Reply]

    Happy anniversary, O’Fogeyette! Howzabout I just refer to you that way? I’ll just pretend you’re Irish!

  237. fizzy logic
    March 23rd, 2007 at 4:48 pm [Reply]

    #226 – Poteet – *Claps*Stomps*Whistles*Throws Chocolate* Whew! I’m getting worn out with all the brilliance that is this song!

    Even though it is Friday, they might expect me to get some work done today….

  238. cheech wizard
    March 23rd, 2007 at 4:48 pm [Reply]

    206 – well, you’d obviously learn a lot about human nature by having sex with an endless stream of unwashed Frenchmen. But I’m surprised they actually hand out a Ph.D. for it.

  239. MonkeyHawk
    March 23rd, 2007 at 4:54 pm [Reply]

    Tracy wears a big hat
    Garfield is a fat cat
    AppleGirl’s skxcritort afterglow
    Mike’s book is a bore
    Neddy’s a whore
    Spandex-clad curmudgeons
    Are goin’ to war!

    Singin’

    We wil, we will SNARK YOU!

    (I think we have a Fight Song in the making!)

  240. Douglas E. Iannucci
    March 23rd, 2007 at 4:59 pm [Reply]

    Imagine my pleasant surprise upon seeing the Lockhorns prominently featured in today’s CC installment! Here are some off-the-wall comments:

    1. I never noticed the resemblance between Loretta’s mother and Leroy. I guess I could never get past the Victorian get-up and the pince-nez glasses.

    2. I wonder how Leroy knows that is an album of men Loretta could have married? The only way is if his mother in law told him so. Thus she must have gone out of her way to bust Leroy’s balls. I can see why you pondered the possibility of Leroy going on a murder spree. Only in this case, given Loretta’s mom’s anachronistic garb, we would then have what would appear to be a reenactment of the Jack the Ripper slayings of 1888.

    3. Minimalism at its very best.

  241. MonkeyHawk
    March 23rd, 2007 at 5:00 pm [Reply]

    Oh, and props to Old Fogey.

    I think he’s gettin’ some tonite!

  242. Nomi Malone
    March 23rd, 2007 at 5:04 pm [Reply]

    Getting my PhD in leopard-print halter tops. How about you?

  243. cheech wizard
    March 23rd, 2007 at 5:18 pm [Reply]

    BTW, for those of you who enjoy Brooke McEldowney’s artwork in 9CL, the new Pibgorn episode has finally begun, so it’s a good time to see what the strip is really about – the Shakespeare thing was kind of like a Roaring 20s acid trip with Elizabethian drippings running down the wall.

    Although this new episode seems to be starting out with the pixie drowning the organist dude, so it might be over before it even gets started. I thought the brunette was supposed to be the man-eating demon from Hell?

    Oh, and happy anniversary, Fogeyette.

  244. Trotzenbonnie
    March 23rd, 2007 at 5:23 pm [Reply]

    Happy millenipost to y’all & happy anniversary to O.F!
    I’m cranking up my bootleg laser disc of Mary Worth’s “Meddle” (“One of these days I’m going to send you off a cliff with your old friend Johnny!”) and getting ready to make tonight’s first toast which will be “Big Rubber Alligatators!”
    It’s Friday night and we’re going to The Bucket!

  245. Techinin
    March 23rd, 2007 at 5:24 pm [Reply]

    #139 wille – hee hee! The looks you must have gotten up there at the mall in Erie, PA. Did you make sure the brush on the helmet went from ear to ear?

  246. Techinin
    March 23rd, 2007 at 5:24 pm [Reply]

    #152 Uncle Lumpy gets my vote for COTW!

  247. Galactic Emperor Chennux
    March 23rd, 2007 at 5:27 pm [Reply]

    ATTENTION EARTHERS! CLENCH YOUR GLUTEUS MAXIMAE IN DESPAIR! CHENNUX SPEAKS!

    HAILING THE ONE CALLED OLD FOGEYETTE! CHENNUX SENDS CONGRATULATIONS UPON THE SUCCESSFUL COMPLETION OF FOUR SOLAR PERIODS OF LEGALIZED CO-HABITATION! ON ZYNEX, IT IS A TRADITION TO EAT ONE’S MATE ON THIS DAY! I HOPE IT IS THE SAME WAY FOR PUNY EARTHERS! REMEMBER TO SAVE THE LEFTOVERS FOR BREAKFAST! HAHA!

    END TRANSMISSION!

  248. PeteMoss
    March 23rd, 2007 at 5:28 pm [Reply]

    Forgot to mention that Raznor at 223 made me chortle rather suddenly, causing me to cough up a little bit of something from lunch (or maybe breakfast.) Thanks.

    The truth is, I got a big old crush on Margo. Rolly Church of Crete, I don’t know what it is about those self-centered man-eating types that are constantly dogging their meek li’l roomies, but I just love ‘em!

  249. Johnny Thunder
    March 23rd, 2007 at 5:31 pm [Reply]

    Anyone else notice the odd dialogue in “Luann” today? Panel two has Delta James saying “LOVE THE BLACK.”

    I agree. Let’s all get along.

  250. willethompson
    March 23rd, 2007 at 5:31 pm [Reply]

    #245 techinin – Actually, that was FORT Erie, ONT, which is right across the river from Buffalo. And yes, even in Canada, there were looks. I’m back now, tho’ the TSA had issues with me declaring the spear as carryon luggage..

  251. PeteMoss
    March 23rd, 2007 at 5:37 pm [Reply]

    #247 Your Scaly Magnificence!

    Here on Earth, the fourth Anniversary is the dungeon-and-inquisition anniversary. The spouse-devouring Anniversary is celebrated on the tenth year of marital bliss. Mine is coming up, by the way.

    **Congrats, O’Fogeyette!

  252. Dingo
    March 23rd, 2007 at 5:38 pm [Reply]

    Parisian Streets & Stalkin’
    to the tune of ‘These Boots Are Made For Walkin’

    You keep starin’ like I’m whorin’, well poor me
    Doct’rate studies with French buddies I guess
    You’ve been a’messin’ with subway lessons I’m guessin’
    And now someone wants to stain your little black dress
    Parisian streets and stalkin’, are both things that you’ll rue
    American girls they quickly come unglued

    Evidently, you won’t Bentley for cab fare
    You think turnin’ tricks is my mortal sin
    My Brooklyn hookin’ demimonde world of porking
    Is my academic throw of cochon to the wind!
    Parisian streets and stalkin’, are both things that you’ll rue
    American girls they quickly come unglued

    Blue beretin’ is simply playin’ at style
    And you keep thinking that you’ve style to burn (HAH)
    Just because your blue turd coat and hat matches (YEAH)
    Don’t mean you ain’t got some things to learn
    Parisian streets and stalkin’, are both things that you’ll rue
    American girls they quickly come unglued

    SPOKEN

    Are you ready, Brooklyn?
    Start walkin’

  253. Old Fogeyette
    March 23rd, 2007 at 5:42 pm [Reply]

    #247 O Great Galactic Emperor,

    I am most honored that you took time from your very busy schedule to mention my four-year-legal-cohabitation remembrance.

    I am so surprised that you have the same tradition on Zynex of eating one’s mate to celebrate. We sometimes call it something else, but we observe the exact same ..er.. ritual.

    And tonight’s the night!

    Thanks to all the other Curminions who have mentioned my anniversary. To me it is very, very special, because until I met Mr. OF, I had a dim, Lockhornsian view of marriage. Instead, it turns out to be more fun than anything else I ever did.

  254. Anonymous
    March 23rd, 2007 at 5:50 pm [Reply]

    #220 Poteet my Queen! I come to join the Foobloatharians, and gladly offer my l33t altar boy skillz! I can even put on the cassock and collar I wore last Halloween (don’t ask but GAWD that was a hella good time!) and conduct services at the altar of FOOB hate.

    I assume we worship by sacrificing a Patterson through some form of transubstantiation, i.e., pouring salt on a slug with large hips and a pornstache, but hey, I’m flexible enough to work with whatever program ya got.

    All hail my queen! Your faithful knight awaits your bidding.

  255. fizzy logic
    March 23rd, 2007 at 5:52 pm [Reply]

    #253 – Happy Anniversary, Old Fogeyette! Best wishes for a very un-Lockhornsian evening and many more years of wedded bliss.

    Now – quit spending time with us and go see about Mr. Fogey giving you a foot massage.

  256. True Fable
    March 23rd, 2007 at 5:52 pm [Reply]

    254 – yeah, I’m great with rituals but I am stupid when it comes to signing my own damn name.

  257. willethompson
    March 23rd, 2007 at 5:54 pm [Reply]

    Damn, Dingo, you just crank ‘em out. No little dump passes to the tight end (stop it!) either, but 55 yard lasers for TDs. Damn. Well done, my ursine friend.

  258. True Fable
    March 23rd, 2007 at 5:58 pm [Reply]

    # 252 Dingo – I admire the hell out of you. Just wanted to let you know.

    # 253 Old Fogeyette – congratulations and tell your husband he’s a lucky fellow, and bon appetite!

    I say we not wait until September, we need to storm Toronto as soon as possible and put an end to the Patterspawn. 300 unite!

  259. Old Fogeyette
    March 23rd, 2007 at 6:03 pm [Reply]

    Toodleoo…. I’m off for that foot massage and other things. Enjoy the Millenipost! See you sometime tomorrow!

  260. PeteMoss
    March 23rd, 2007 at 6:06 pm [Reply]

    140. MossMoses, Blubbery turd cutter?

    I agree with bootsybooks. This phrase alone should get you into the top ten COTW list. Still, it’s pretty MARGOing nasty.

  261. King Folderol
    March 23rd, 2007 at 6:20 pm [Reply]

    A3G – What the hell is Tommie wearing? All she’s missing is the silly beret, tilted off to the side for effect.

    FW – Not all smokers get cancer, chucklehead. Oh, except in Funky Winkerbean-land, where everyone’s nursing some sort of fatal illness or is missing an arm or a kidney. It’s a happy, fun place where you’re no one without a malady of some kind!

    Lockhorns – I’m never sure how the mother-in-law fits into my theory that Leroy and Loretta are, in actuality, in a “Truman Show”-esque asylum, locked away from society to protect us all from their bitterness. Perhaps the mother-in-law is a clone of Leroy’s gone horribly, horribly wrong. Yeah, it’s a stretch, but if you buy the asylum idea, it all just flows from there.

    JP – Hi, my name is Plot Device. What’s yours?

  262. PeteMoss
    March 23rd, 2007 at 6:25 pm [Reply]

    Today’s Foob, first panel, shows Elly with a handkerchief to her nose while her dialog balloon reads, “…and now…HONK” and there’s snot dripping off of the word “honk” Lynn Johnston has some mad onomatopoeia skills at her command. She really should be writing Mike Patterson novels.

  263. Joshreads CC1Kâ„¢ Compliance Director
    March 23rd, 2007 at 6:34 pm [Reply]

    STOP THE PRESSES! I’ve figured it out! Pope Josh, just name the next post ?p=1001 and we will SKIP 1000 COMPLETELY! BWAHAHAHAHA! YES! IT… JUST… MIGHT… WORK! Rolly Church of Crete, please, just DO it!!!

  264. fizzy logic
    March 23rd, 2007 at 6:36 pm [Reply]

    #260 – PeteMoss – I keep reading that as Blueberry Turd Cutter, which makes no sense, but would make a great band name.

  265. Mr. O’Malley
    March 23rd, 2007 at 6:38 pm [Reply]

    I’m back. What a day. But on the positive side, my car now has working brake lights once again.

    Getting back to the topic of bread (re Pluggers), I didn’t say that it was impossible to get unsliced bread, but that I had never seen it in a place that called itself a bakery. In the US bakeries typically just sell cakes and cookies.

    Maybe the Midwest really is ahead in bread. Around here the yuppie grocery stores have unsliced loaves of French or Italian type bread, but not regular bread loaves. And since I can look at the address on the wrapper, if the bakery is 50 miles away, at best the bread was made last night or early in the morning, so it’s not exactly fresh.

    This is supposedly the 10th largest city in the US, and there is exactly one place that sells freshly baked bread. And they’re usually sold out by 6 PM, so there aren’t any day-old loaves for Pluggers.

    Oh gosh, look at the time! I had better get over there and get some bread. See you all later.

  266. nancy
    March 23rd, 2007 at 6:38 pm [Reply]

    Have I missed it? Where’s the irritation building to outrage at JUNE as she forces cheer on her grieving friend with increasingly ridiculous perky suggestions. (Maybe the plane got swallowed by a UFO, so he’s not really dead.) Couldn’t she listen to her friend? Just listen. Or(!!) like the new clerk typist in Maryville, June could murmur appropriate phrases while thinking her real thoughts loudly enough that we the readers can hear them.

  267. Joshtradamus predicts
    March 23rd, 2007 at 6:39 pm [Reply]

    I have calculated and composed all during choice hours of well-disposed days, and as accurately as I could, all when Minerva was free and not unfavorable. I have made computations for events over almost as long a period to come as that which has already passed, and by these they will know in all regions what is to happen in the course of time, just as it is written, with nothing superfluous added, although some may say, There can be no truth entirely determined concerning the future.

    In the New Millennium of CC1K:

    Thereafter the great dog, the biggest of curs, will go forth and destroy all, the same old crimes being perpetrated again.

    For God will take notice of the long barrenness of the great dame of Charterstone, who thereupon will conceive four principal children. She will leave three males, and one female, and of these two will not have had the same father.
    Then the impurities and abominations, with a great shame, will be brought out and manifested in the shadows of the veiled light.

    There will be great differences between the four siblings, and then there will be such great cooperation and agreement between them that the three or four parts of Europe will tremble. The youngest of them will sustain and augment the Circus monarchy, and under him sects will be elevated, and suddenly cast down.
    The younger Billy made Artist for the day will put his father to death,
    After the conflicted very dishonest death:
    Inscription in margin found, suspicion from Dolly will bring remorse,
    When Jeffy driven out, he lies down on the roadbed.

    The daughters of St. Elly will be given for the preservation of the Foobian Church.
    Her lord will fall into the pagan sect of the new infidels.
    Of her three children, one will remain faithful to the Foobian Church,
    one will lie in coma, the other an infidel.
    A he will come to go into the corner of April,
    Where he will be captured and put in a strange land:
    The unripe fruits will be the subject of great scandal,
    Great blame, to one great praise.
    The one second in age, accompanied by the Little ones,
    will penetrate far, until a second furious and trembling path has been beaten and will cause a great inundation of human blood, and for a long time sleep the sleep of death.
    The third one first does for worse than better,
    How much human blood to flow; valiant, fly away:
    You will cause the lizardbeath furnace to be rebuilt,
    He will begin his whoring and luxury, and will commit a thousand crimes.
    When she is atop her most high and sublime dignity, some potentates and warlords will confront her, and take her away, whose curvature attracts them.

    Near Parishia the red ones detained,
    Those of the meddlesome metro completely ruined led far off:
    One cut in pieces, and one roughly transported,
    to the Lord and Prelate of Burgundy.

    The child of a monk and nun, exposed to death,
    To die through a she-bear, and carried off by a boar?
    In the middle of the lost forest of National,
    Lightning will fell the son of Mark:
    The rusty bastard issued from the great one Trail,
    On this day a hook will enter the blood of the forgotten corpse.

    Out the palace, off the balcony, through the windows,
    The two little royals, one big happy, will be carried off:
    To pass Orléans, Paris, abbey of Saint-Denis,
    Nun, wicked ones to swallow green pits.

    The Rex and his court in the place of cunning tongue,
    Within the temple, facing the Elvis:
    In the garden the Duchess of Mongrels: Abby,
    Alba and Mantua save the day.

    Departed by the bitter letters and surnames of others,
    The great Scuduto will present something, not his own;
    Who after many greasy undietary dinners,
    will break the wind in good earnest.

    The Allied fleet from the port of Jeeps,
    From trenched harbor to march against Goons.
    To leave from the gulf and the bay of Illyria,
    Devastation to Olive, for in the melee she is cannon shot.

    When the old man will give way to none,
    Will wish to abandon children in a place taken, yet not taken;
    Bus afire speeding through the swamps, bitumen end at Dead Man’s Curve,
    St. Quintin and Calais will be will console the grieving parents.

    Near Mont-Wierdly in the forest deceived,
    In the Abattoir, the Foxly will be cut up:
    The younger Max half-stunned by blows;
    The rest crushed and the renard all cut to pieces.

    Conflicted Barbarian in the purple dress,
    Blood shed, Damned evil ones to tremble:
    Great Eggplant will set up his promontory,
    Frogs to tremble Lusitania aid.

    Bradosus will soon come into his own high realm,
    Putting behind a little the Luanner:
    The pale blonde one, the male on his own,
    The fearful spectre of Barbaric Dirk terror.

    For seven years fortune will favor Dennis,
    He will beat down again the exertions of the silver haired neighbor:
    Then at his noon perplexing contrary affair,
    Young Tommy will destroy his stronghold.

    The undersigned to an infamous deliverance,
    And having contrary advice from the multitude:
    Monarch changes put in danger over thought,
    Shut up in a cage they will see each other face to face.

    The frantic lady of ugly beauty,
    Made happy by countless suitors:
    Transferred out to the Irving realm,
    Taking matrimony over spinsterhood to die a miserable death.

    Complaints and tears, cries and great howls,
    Near Westview at Beans and in Funk:
    Oh, what horrible calamities and changes,
    Before Mars has made several revolutions.

    Father Capp old in years and choked by thirst,
    On his last day his hon denying him the jug:
    Into the well plunged alive he will come up dead,
    Senate to the thread death long and dry.

    For not wishing to consent to the divorce,
    Which then afterwards will be recognized as un-Worth-y:
    The Queeny king of the Isles will be driven out by Sally,
    In his place put one who will have no genitals of any kind.

    The young heir to the spider sense,
    Whom his dying uncle will have recommended:
    The later dead J.J.J. will dispute with him,
    But due to a falling stone from his realm untethered.

    The royal prelate, his boughing too low,
    A great flow of blood will come out of his head:
    The Thorpean realm a realm pulled out of danger,
    For he is dumb as a stump and alive in Milford.

    See you again at CC2K

  268. doctor-t
    March 23rd, 2007 at 6:49 pm [Reply]

    Sociology isn’t a humanities subject — it’s a social science.

    Us humanities students are less slutty looking. And we would never get the money to study in Paris.

  269. PeteMoss
    March 23rd, 2007 at 6:54 pm [Reply]

    Sociology – It’s not just a job. It’s a career! Earn a degree at Hooters University. Free hotwings with a student ID.

  270. Joshreads CC1Kâ„¢ Compliance Director
    March 23rd, 2007 at 7:11 pm [Reply]

    Saving you the effort of waiting another 1000 posts…

    Marmaduke
    Family Circus
    FOOB
    JP
    MT
    OBH
    RMMD
    TDIET
    Popeye
    Crankshaft
    SlyF
    Phantom
    Luann
    DtM
    MW
    C(MD)
    FW
    Andy Capp
    SF
    S-M
    (DT)GT

    Gird your grids… It won’t be pretty…

  271. Mr. O’Malley
    March 23rd, 2007 at 7:31 pm [Reply]

    #125. bootsybooks, if it’s Toronto or suburbs you guys are invading, you’ll find lots of non-white people.

    And if you happen to go by Longo’s, could you get me a couple of baguettes and some whole wheat rolls?

  272. Joemanji
    March 23rd, 2007 at 7:51 pm [Reply]

    Girls will be boys and boys will be girls,
    Its a mixed up muddled up shook up world except for Parker,
    Pa-pa-pa-pa-Parker!

    This hooker will take the JP storyline to whole new levels of.. dare we call it love?

  273. Harold
    March 23rd, 2007 at 7:57 pm [Reply]

    We shall add Longo’s to the “places to be sacked and looted along the way” list. Do they take American currency, or will we have to get everything changed into these wacky Canadian “dollars” and “cents”?

  274. Dingo
    March 23rd, 2007 at 8:01 pm [Reply]

    I have a favor to ask of the curmudgeonistas. The state of Illinois tourism council is having a contest for the “Seven Wonders” of Illinois. Amazingly, my bodacious Jane Russell ass* is not one of the choices. Starved Rock State Park is a choice for northern Illinois but it is currently in last place with only 1% of the total. It’s a freakin’ NATURAL wonder and it’s being outvoted by a train museum, Main Street in Galena, and a natural history museum. I ask the curmudgeonistas to assist me in voting for the state park eight miles from my front door. Please go to:

    Enjoy Illinois

    Please vote for Starved Rock State Park. I realize that the name of the park isn’t that pleasant but it’s an amazing place to visit. Hell, if you come to the park, I’ll grill out.

    Thank you.

    Dingo

    * – it lifts and separates on its own

  275. PeteMoss
    March 23rd, 2007 at 8:22 pm [Reply]

    274.
    Ok, Dingo, I voted for Starved Rock about five times. Is it ok if I voted for Jane at the Burpee once? I just couldn’t resist.

  276. Dingo
    March 23rd, 2007 at 8:24 pm [Reply]

    Thank you, PeteMoss. I suppose giving five votes for Starved Rock and one vote for Jane (great dinosaur/bad Jefferson Starship song) is fine. How were you able to give five votes in one day?

  277. True Fable
    March 23rd, 2007 at 8:29 pm [Reply]

    Go Starved Rock! My vote’s in.

  278. PeteMoss
    March 23rd, 2007 at 8:32 pm [Reply]

    Maybe I only thought I cast 5 votes, Dingo. Nothing seem to indicate I hadn’t. But then, I’m easily confused…and distracted. That Jane is one cool T-Rex!

  279. Cornwhacker
    March 23rd, 2007 at 8:33 pm [Reply]

    Gawd, So much brilliance in the thread today. I can’t keep up.

    I did want to point out, though, that Rat’s boss in today’s
    Pearls Before Swine is named Gary, and he wears glasses. Maybe he’s the one who really left that message for Tommie!

  280. willethompson
    March 23rd, 2007 at 8:34 pm [Reply]

    Dingo, consider it done. It’s amazing how many times you can vote if you know how to manipulate those internet tubes. I’m assuming that’s the same place where you and your paramour got the pics of the stuffed Castoria?

    Oh, and if Starved Rock wins, I expect you to hold to your promise about the grilling.

  281. fizzy logic
    March 23rd, 2007 at 8:36 pm [Reply]

    #276 – Dingo, when I just voted, Starved Rock was in 2nd (????, sorry, I should have paid more attention) with about 24% of the votes – Railway museum was still in first, Main St. Galena is now in last place at 2%. Woo! Go CCr’s

  282. PeteMoss
    March 23rd, 2007 at 8:37 pm [Reply]

    It just requests that I vote only once every 24 hours. I simply denied the request and voted 5 times. Make that 6 times for a starving rock. Only once for an emaciated dino.

  283. willethompson
    March 23rd, 2007 at 8:38 pm [Reply]

    heh heh heh. The “Enjoy Illinois” internet tubes didn’t know what hit them…

  284. Anonymous
    March 23rd, 2007 at 8:40 pm [Reply]

    FBOFW: Could someone just kill me before I have to see the end of this crapfest of a party? No seriously, shoot me in the head. Please.

    MF: We’re getting closer and closer to a completely drawing-free Mallard Fillmore! Now if he could stop writing humor-free Mallard Fillmore’s we’d all be a little happier.

    MW: Did Mary warn Vera that the apartment was previously rented by a 90 yr old psychic who crapped her pants constantly? Because I would want to know this before I rented it – then again I would also want to be warned that Mary killed a man and deprived poor vietnamese kids from having adequate medical care, but that’s just me.

    Phantom: “Ghost-who-walks is a crappy shot.” — Old jungle saying

    Pluggers: Give me a break – all Pluggers eat stale wonder bread found in a dumpster, they don’t splurge on day-old bread!

    BC: Ok, so a caveman is interviewing a caveman baseball coach with a microphone that is attached to nothing – nope, it is impossible to come up with a good joke from that premise. Well, at least for Johnny Hart it’s impossible…

  285. Dingo
    March 23rd, 2007 at 8:51 pm [Reply]

    Thank you, all! willethompson, I’ll keep my word. We’ll have a combined soirée for your book and the park. Maybe find some jingtingler women at the Silver Slipper Saloon or the Lamplighter to appease the heterosexual male curmudgeonistas and some park rangers for the rest of us (just for lookin’, mind you).

    And, yes, stuffed Castoria was at the Starved Rock Lock & Dam Museum.

  286. Mooncattie
    March 23rd, 2007 at 8:52 pm [Reply]

    I’ve registered my vote for Starved Rock, but I also had to go into the Central Region to vote for the Cozy Dog Drive-In. I’ve actually BEEN there, although I preferred the Superdawg in Chicago. Any other favourite dogs in Illinois?
    (“GRRRRR”)
    (“Down, Abbey! Good girl!”)

  287. Dingo
    March 23rd, 2007 at 9:06 pm [Reply]

    Mooncattie, when I was a child, the Dog ‘n’ Suds in Streator was a happenin’ place with hot dogs steamed in beer.

    I lived in Chicago for fifteen years and when I see a person put ketchup/catsup on a hot dog, I wanna tear into them like Michael Patterson with a thesaurus. Ketchup is for fries! The Chicago hot dog is the greatest culinary invention the world has ever known! Second runner-up is, of course, the Maxwell Street Polish with a tamale on the side.

    (sidenote): I once was at a hotel in Nashville and their restaurant had a “Chicago-style hot dog” on their menu. It came with mayonnaise and ketchup. As you might imagine, after I finished my meal (dear God, not before!), I asked for the kitchen manager. It was like Julia Child explaining food basics to Jodie Foster’s Nell.

  288. Harold
    March 23rd, 2007 at 9:07 pm [Reply]

    MILLENIPOST IS UP!

    It’s like The Rapture, but for real! We’re all going to meet in the air, devoid of our clothes! WOOOOOOOOO!

  289. Marion Delgado
    March 23rd, 2007 at 9:35 pm [Reply]

    In a world where “Cleaning the garage” and “Getting my PhD in sociology” are tacky euphemisms for hot, kinky, amoral kicks and hedonistic thrills.

    From the makers of

    GARFIELD GETS FELINE LEUKEMIA

    Now comes

    (music)
    (voices of A SMALL BOY alternate with JOHNNY DEPP)

    “Mark, yesterday you said .. you wanted to … ‘clean the boats.;”

    “YES, RUSTY! … but it’s … hard … to “get started””

    (noises)

    “This is the ‘boat” Dan was using!”

    “Let’s start with it!”

    “… this is an OLD, ‘wooden’ ‘boat’,”

    “yes and it’s HEAVY”

    “BUT it’s still in GOOD SHAPE.”

    “Scrub the bottom GOOD, Rusty …”

    “… then we’ll think about ‘refinishing it.”

    “‘ll get IT in good shape, Mark”

    ***************************
    **** MARK TRAIL *****
    ***************************

    “THERE’S A LITTLE SCREW!”

    “on the bottom!”

    “What’s it for? What’s it for! What’s it for!”

    “A SCREW!!!!!”

    “This is the little hook I was talking about Mark … I see it … it’s an eye hook! … it isn’t CORRODED so it hasn’t been there long.”

    ***************************************
    ************* JUNE 12TH IN ******
    **THEATRES EVERYWHERE **
    ***************************************

    ….

    *********************************************************
    DO *YOU* KNOW WHERE YOUR CHILD IS?
    *********************************************************

    “keep working on the ‘boat’ Rusty, I’ll be BACK shortly!”

    “what’s wrong Mark, you seem to be upset about something”

    “I am, ‘Cherry’, …. upset and confused”

  290. alamo
    March 23rd, 2007 at 9:36 pm [Reply]

    jp: she is getting a degree in sociology and the rest of us are getting a degree in soci-ogle-gy.

  291. macb
    March 23rd, 2007 at 9:47 pm [Reply]

    Dingo: I hope this isn’t too local for this blog, but my biggest wonder in the state of Illinois is how the smirking no-talent who goes by the name of “John Kass” ever got a four-times a week column in the Chicago Tribune. He obviously imitates the late, lamented Mike Royko but has none of the latter’s style, grace, humor, or political savvy. BTW, I’d vote for your ass over Jane Russell’s any day of the week. That said, I will now go vote for Starved Rock. And as a lifelong Sox fan, can I make a plug for the Sox’ ’05 World Series victory? Take that, Cubs fans! And you’re absolutely right about ketchup on ‘dogs. Our son agrees with me, but that doesn’t stop his mother from putting the loathsome stuff on her hot links. I think she does it just to gross us (my son and me) out. Mustard, onion, celery salt, dill pickle slice; you’re done.

  292. Marion Delgado
    March 23rd, 2007 at 9:55 pm [Reply]

    Gil Thorp, Worst even IMAGINARY Coach in all of Time and Space, says RJ can still play. He checked the story of RJ’s guilt by going to the source – RJ himself!

    MAGNA CARTA, bitches! Also, Washington consensus.

  293. Marion Delgado
    March 23rd, 2007 at 9:56 pm [Reply]

    Death to Gil Thorp, of course, but how?

    Make RJ and Brynna Beat him to death with “the Stick!”

    It already has only Brynna and RJ’s fingerprints on it.

    Tell them it’s the only way you’ll ask the new coach to put RJ in as a starter, and you’re golden.

  294. macb
    March 23rd, 2007 at 10:00 pm [Reply]

    I forgot to comment on Friday’s FOOB (I know it’s late; sorry):

    I have to hand it Lynn Ex Machina Johnston: four nauseogenic (my neologism for barf-inducing) elements in one day’s strip, namely:
    1) Michael’s disingenuous “aw shucks, I’m speechless” routine elided over in the next day’s strip; 2) Elly’s goose-impersonation (at first I thought she was having an allergic reaction to the buffet table raccoon dip, or whatever they eat at “soirees” in Canada) cum blubbering-in-happiness combined with implausible dialogue to provide explication of the plot (a no-no in fiction writing, unless you’re a schlock writer of the Tom Clancy/Robert Ludlum variety); 3) Lizardbreath’s “it’s all about me” whining about her “insignificance,” calculated to make her, once again, the center of attention; and 4) Warren’s recovery from his illicit thought-dream about hottie model “bagging” to let dear ol’ Liz know that she can always be his “significant other.” Thanks, Lynn Ex Machina. This single strip was enough to give me the technicolor smile all the way back to last Sunday’s breakfast; I’m still dry-heaving 15 hours later.

  295. Bob The Boat Wrassler
    March 23rd, 2007 at 10:02 pm [Reply]

    #173- Shouldn’t a male strip club be called Spearmints?

    I’ll stop now…

  296. Marion Delgado
    March 23rd, 2007 at 10:02 pm [Reply]

    substitute tyler into all the above. RJ is the one being framed.

    EVen those of us who hate GT WITH A RED BURNING PASSION CANT KEEP THESE IDENTICALLY DRAWN CRUDE BLOCKHEADS STRAIGHT! aaaagh!

    Gil is letting Tyler play, and I think they need to talk Tyler and Brynna into ending our collective misery with the first Gil Thorp homicide, namely Gil Thorp beaten flat with a bark-covered tree branch.

  297. treedweller
    March 23rd, 2007 at 10:18 pm [Reply]

    Poteet: What if, say, Michael’s book flopped and he had to get a job stocking at the drugstore with Deanna as his boss; Dad told Mom to butt out of her kids’ lives right before leaving her to live in the cottage up the road with his trains and an AMTRAK engineer he met in a club; Liz finally realized she wanted to hook up with Anthony but he turned her down; and April told Shan . . . non to quit being such a victim and let her have her own feelings about things? Would you forgive her then?

    Also: Real Pluggers make their own bread from flour they grind out of dandelion seeds that grow in the back yard, and they tear it off the loaf in hunks instead of slicing it.

  298. Dean Booth
    March 24th, 2007 at 12:19 am [Reply]

    The characters in The Lockhorns are the same person? From now on, I’m going to think of it as Fight Club, but with bickering. (Notice they never talk about bickering.)

  299. blase
    March 24th, 2007 at 12:23 am [Reply]

    MW: Vera is really Mary’s long-lost illegitimate daughter, conceived during an illicit romp with Tommy’s father and given up for adoption many years ago. Of course by coincidence she ends up at Charterstone, where Mary discovers her identity only after a series of promisingly dramatic events that end in a major anticlimax. Later on we endure a three-week series of platitudes.

    Or, Vera is really a younger version of Mary, time-traveling into the future where she is trying to escape “Von”, an agent of Dr. Evil who knows that the younger Mary must be destroyed if his half-brother Aldo is to survive. It’s up to the older Mary and her advice-giving superpowers to save the younger Mary and get her back to the early ’70s; otherwise the demise of the younger Mary will cancel out the existence of the older Mary. This will also explain the origins of Mary’s superior advice-giving skills. The arc will end suddenly and anticlimactically after which we endure a three-week series of lessons and platitudes.

    Or, we’re just seeing laziness on the part of the Photoshop assemblers who create the strip. It’s Mary’s face pasted onto Tommy’s head, minus the age lines.

  300. Laura
    March 24th, 2007 at 1:30 am [Reply]

    The newest “Luann” has our titular (obligatory hee) heroine discovering Toni Daytona has been at Brad’s bachelor den through the evidence of an abandoned glove embroidered “T.D.”. Next week: Luann discovers Toni Daytona’s disloyalty when she finds her fan at Lord Darlington’s apartments! She rushes to tell Brad, but he has already sent Miss Daytona’s father, Sir Roderick Daytona, a lengthy letter of proposal sealed with his own signet ring! Wacky hijinks involving a loveless honor-driven marriage ensue. Also, Brad takes to wearing a cravat and taking snuff, and saying “Sink me!”

  301. Jeff
    March 24th, 2007 at 8:23 am [Reply]

    Big Chief Paul Scalp ‘Em White Foob Squa!

    I have to hand it to LJ – a double-double entendre would have been impressive on it own, but a *racist* double-double entendre?!

    You go, Paul! Shoot that poisoned Injun arrow through Liz’s heart!!!

    If Mel Gibson needs to have his mouth washed out with soap, Lynn Johnson’s filthy hands have certainly earned a good scrubbing!

  302. Frank Drackman
    March 24th, 2007 at 8:39 am [Reply]

    Is it asking to much for a 3-way in Judge Parker? Baseball season is still a week away, my team didn’t make the NCAA tournament, (or the NIT even!) and the democrats are in charge of congres until Jan 2009. I could use a little comic pick me up, and one of Jeffys cute little comments won’t cut it.

  303. commodorejohn
    March 24th, 2007 at 2:14 pm [Reply]

    301 – Oh God. I seriously cannot believe she wrote that.

  304. zeeba
    March 24th, 2007 at 6:30 pm [Reply]

    #300, Laura–THANK YOU!!! for putting into words just what I was thinking this morning while reading Luann. Who the saturn wears monogrammed gloves any more?

  305. Hooper_X
    March 24th, 2007 at 9:55 pm [Reply]

    Man, shit!

    There’s NOBODY that looks like THAT in my Ph.D sociology program!

    -hx

  306. Frank Parsnip
    March 25th, 2007 at 12:57 am [Reply]

    What’s with Tommie’s green mao-suit buttoned up all the way? If Gary isn’t good enough for her, it’s probably because nobody can measure up to her visions of what it would be like to spend all day as a kept woman working to provide stress relief to Kim Jong-il.

  307. Carl Toon
    March 25th, 2007 at 9:50 am [Reply]

    Funky is not now nor has it ever been funny. Why it is in the funny papers is a mystery. I don’t read the comics to get depressed about cancer. Another example of an unfunny comic strip. Who needs that?

  308. Anonymous
    March 25th, 2007 at 10:38 pm [Reply]

    .

  309. JCF
    March 26th, 2007 at 8:23 am [Reply]

    Why cancer, cancer, cancer? Because Batiuk has made his bean off of it, and worse yet, it made his strip “relevant” (smirk – knew I couldn’t use “comic strip” and “relevant” together and keep a straight face). Anyway, in finest H’wood tradition, he’s taking a formula that worked and is using it over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again, running it deep into the ground. Where human suffering is concerned, FW has become the Russian novel of comic strips.

  310. Jim Walsh
    March 27th, 2007 at 1:29 am [Reply]

    Montoni’s sidekick is one smug bastard – the kind of creep you wanna hold down and force to smoke Marlboros until his head explodes. But no, that would be waaaaaaaaaaaay too upbeat for Winkerbean…

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