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Beetle Bailey, 3/5/09

Our soldiers are refusing to take performance-enhancing drugs, like steroids, because they prefer non-performance-enhancing drugs, like heroin.

Blondie, 3/5/09

Dagwood’s transformation into a Howard Hughes-style, urine-jar-storing shut-in begins today.

Dennis the Menace, 3/5/09

“Plus you keep downloading viruses from all those porn sites.”

(Possibly more menacing alternative: “Plus I keep downloading viruses from all those porn sites.”)

Family Circus, 3/5/09

Jeffy finds himself encrusted with filth with such depressing regularity that he has established some sort of rating system for it.

Hi and Lois, 3/5/09

Hi and Lois is attempting to match Ziggy’s patented brand of second-rate empty-background existentialist absurdism — and, sadly, coming up fairly short.