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Mary Worth, 3/24/12

I’ve recently discovered that people do not always act the way they’re portrayed in Mary Worth, and pass along this helpful comparison chart:

  Mary Worth Real Life
Realization “I have ruined the life of an innocent man!” “Wow, that Smithers guy is a drunken lunatic!”
Regret “Why did I tell all those terrible lies about him?” “Why didn’t I tell the cops he hit me, so I could sue?”
Reassessment “He was a person with a family — not just a career obstacle!” “My company should be grateful I got him kicked out!”
Restitution “How can I make amends to Dan for this terrible injustice?” “I deserve a raise, a bigger office, and maybe a company car!”
Resolution “I must reconsider my values and become a better person!” “I’ve got to start shopping where there aren’t so many derelicts!”
Redemption “I hope Dan can find it in his heart to forgive me!” “Hey, I better go back and use these coupons before they expire!”

Funky Winkerbean, 3/24/12

Hey, it’s Lo-Def Lisa, nagging Les from the Great Beyond! Les is watching the “official” version, but Lisa recorded a backup just in case things didn’t work out. Let’s listen in:

“You’re probably still stuck at the high school, if Bull hasn’t killed you and none of the girls sued you for making creepy advances. If you’re desperate — I’m sorry, since you’re desperate — you can try to find an admin in the Principal’s office dim enough to fall for your ‘tragic widower’ act. Just don’t ask her to play ‘Lisa dress-up’ until after the wedding, OK?”

“Keep Summer away from that Cory Winkerbean creep — you won’t have enough money for her next rehab if you keep shelling out for abortions. And don’t give me that ‘But my next novel will be a best-seller’ crap, either. Even those tools at Kent State Press won’t fall for that scam a third time.”

“Finally, would it kill you to weed my grave once in a while? I’ve got dandelion roots up what’s left of my nose!”

Gil Thorp, 3/24/12

Plucky catcher Amanda Carey torments Coach Mrs. Coach Thorp with a slow drip of alarming revelations about pitching powerhouse Darby Kiser: “Yeah, she attends an alternative school where they can actually fire underperforming athletic staff! She’s got a kid she hasn’t thrown down the memory hole! And she stole your face and stuck it on that other pitcher! Wait, who are we again? I have no idea what’s going on here!”

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 3/24/12

No need to imagine an alternate reality in the hellhole that is Hootin’ Holler, where everyday reality is entertainin’ly grim enuf!

— Uncle Lumpy