Mary Worth, 3/29/17
UHHHHHHHHH, what’s this, Mary Worth, you spent days feeding us amped-up mania about the GLORY AND PAGEANTRY OF THE CRUISE INDUSTRY, only to present some lame “I can’t quit smoking” storyline” as the payoff? “Make a list of pros and cons, dear,” Mary will say, swaying unsteadily after six drinks at the Endless Margarita Buffet. “On the pro side, a cigarette offers a fleeting moment of pleasure; on the con, you’ll die and your wife will leave you. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go discretely vomit.”
Slylock Fox, 3/29/17
The animals have mostly wiped humanity off the surface of the earth and seized our cars, our tents, even the clothes we used to wear. But as the answer to question number two reveals, they haven’t taken over our dreams. These pigs may be more advanced than their brutish ancestors and prefer a dry tent to a muddy sty; but their limited worldview makes them believe the water on earth is all they’ll ever had. The exterminated human civilization dreamed of flying into space and mining the comets for their precious water, something beyond the swine’s mental horizons. While the pigs may have learned to wear pants, metaphorically they still live in the mud.
Dennis the Menace, 3/29/17
Wow, literally yesterday Dennis was baffled by his parents’ low-grade flirting and today he’s like, “Yep, it’s spring, you can tell because everyone wants to fuck.”