Oh, there’s an actual joke in Dennis the Menace today? Hadn’t noticed
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Dennis the Menace, 4/8/21
I’ve always thought Dennis’s affinity for Westerns, a genre very popular among children when this strip began and almost unknown to children today, says a lot about the suffocating layer of nostalgia piled atop this strip. However, today we get an intriguing hint that Dennis is actually watching revisionist neo-Westerns that try to grapple with the real social and historical backgrounds behind the myths, and whose heroes, turning to liquor in a futile attempt to numb the loneliness of the open range and the trauma of living in a violent frontier society, end up suffering from alcohol-induced psychosis — or, in cowboy patois, “scotch terrors.”
Blondie, 4/8/21
If DithersCo employs a full-time vending machine stocker rather than just hiring a service that stocks the machines for multiple businesses in the area like everyone else does, maybe Mr. Dithers ought to spend less time micromanaging Dagwood while he’s at work and more time thinking about some of their structural staffing costs. On the other hand, this arrangment may have arisen because there’s a single employee who’s responsible for the company’s unusually intense vending machine use, and replacing him with someone of similar talents but a lesser appetite will produce some real benefits for DithersCo’s bottom line.
Dick Tracy, 4/8/21
Say what you will about Dick Tracy, but if you want to see a guy in a suit stabbing a hippie in major newspapers, this comic strip is your only option.
185 replies to “Oh, there’s an actual joke in Dennis the Menace today? Hadn’t noticed”
DtM – Is the holder of that leash wearing a green bandana with red rings as well?
Fumbly Circus: “Because they’re as flat and lifeless as your personality, Jeffy.”
Funk Off And Die: Is this dialog available in human translation?
What The Funky: “Impacted my blahblahblah like a meteor? An immortal wound?” Translation: “Reading this issue left me brain-damaged, which is why I became a failure of a comic-book perpetrator!”
Judge Mental: “But with any luck Sam’s dead and we can stop worrying about him!”
Hail Mary: “Father, forgive this conversation for it knows not where it goes.”
Rex Snoregan, Mighty Dull: At last, a wake-up call! Too bad it’s only for this strip. The writer needs one badly.
DT: This is the sunset of the Age of Aquarius.
Mary Worth: “Being with you, Saul, helps me want to move on. Whelp, there’s my bus. Gotta go!”
Blondie: “You don’t have a stupid brand name for your chocolate chip cookies? Good day, sir…I said good day!”
DtM: I really hope the dog owner responds with “Sic ‘em!”
Mary Worth: I can’t wait til this pandemic is over and I can go hang out at the mall’s Tray O’ French Fries place again.
I assumed that Dennis was referring to that great 1980s punchline of Perrier bottled water, another thing kids are very familiar with.
DtM: Cue sermon on the usage of “Scottish” vs. “Scotch”
DT: If there was ever an Indiana Jones 5, he probably would have punched a few hippies in it.
—-Repeat comments from end of yesterday—–
MT: Someone, please convince Jules that dad jokes are a form of colonialism.
MW: “You’re not saying that just to get in my pants, are you?”
FW: Let me guess–his plan involved attracting girls with his Charles Atlas muscles, then using x-ray glasses to see them naked.
9CL: OMG what happened to her nipples?!
Blondie: Dithers *owns* the vending machine. He lets Dagwood hire the stocker because that maximizes the revenue. That’s also why he keeps Dagwood on the payroll — so much of his salary comes back through snack purchases.
You know who the applicants are who have a real passion for the business when they bring their own dollies to the job interview.
GT — It has “rows of linused computers”? So each unit comes with its own security blanket?
GT: “What is ‘The Library is a waste of taxpayer money and should be closed’, Alex?”
It’s a good thing Abel has this thought after he needed the intertnet resources….
“Did you get your work done, mi corazon?”
“No! Some jackass decided the library was a waste of taxpayer money and closed it! Now where am I going to get my work done?”
Purple Stripeypants: “John X is Towns Ellerbee! Towns Ellerbee is John X! And behind those sunglasses, he’s hiding Mister Winky!!”
CrankyCrank: You know you can fastforward through the ads, or upgrade, Cranky? Although we should be grateful he’s not going to watch “The Handmaid Tale” and gripe and groan.
Blondie: “My philosophy on the cupcakes-to-chocolate chip cookies ratio? I daresay that you will find me something of an eccentric contrarian. Most of my peers hold to traditionalism, adding one to the square root of five divided by two for the so-called golden ratio, thinking that 1.62 cupcakes per cookie will create a more pleasing rack display. But I am not bound by such antiquated aesthetics. Employing a complicated system of prime numbers, recursive analysis, and a keen eye for raisins, I have conceptualized an adaptive formula to guarantee satisfaction of any gluttonous habits with an infallible margin-of-error. Give me your patronage, sir, and I will turn your vending machine into a junk food mural to rival the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel. Alternatively, you can just email a request to our office and we’ll stock what you want as long as it keeps selling. Either way’s good.”
@odinthor, GT: “Rows of Linux computers”, and he’s a Mac Person.
DtM: Man, I am absolutely haunted by the look on that dog’s face. Maybe it’s just because he’s drawn so much more realistically than any other creature in this strip, but it almost seems like he knows he’s been willed into existence for this pathetic quasi-pun. That’s it, Scotty, tomorrow you’ll be gone forever, having made no impression o nteh world, even on the low-bar that is the daily comics page. I am truly sorry.
Blondie: I know this is probably the least bonkers thing about this scenario but cupcakes in a vending machine? Is that a brand name of packaged snack? If not…ew.
DT: Anyone else hear the Wilhelm Scream when reading that last panel? It was clear as day in my mind’s ear…
You fool! You don’t bring a knife to a cafeteria-tray fight!
DtM: I’ve watched a lot of Westerns going back to when they were the dominant genre on TV and the movies, but I can’t recall a single instance in which a cowboy went into a saloon and ordered “Scotch”. It was always “whiskey”, meaning a domestic rye or a bourbon (probably some barely aged rotgut consisting mainly of neutral grain alcohol). Surely no cowboy could possibly afford an imported spirit, even if the frontier establishment somehow managed to have a bottle in stock. (I can easily see some land baron like Ben Cartwright having a shelf full of the expensive stuff in his mansion on the Ponderosa, but that’s different.) Seeing a cowboy’s asking for “Scotch” would be as inappropriate as seeing an anomalously realistic-looking Scottish Terrier in a single-panel comic strip.
MW: Smooth-talking Saul is now expecting a hand job under the table.
@Tom T.: Alternate reading: Dagwood owns a vending machine company that is separate and distinct from Dither’s Co, and he buys and eats all the snacks himself using the ‘profits’ from the sales. Dag knows eventually this circular investment scheme will catch up with him, but by that time he’ll be so stuffed with cupcakes and cookies he won’t care.
love is… being nude so much you dream of her with her clothes on.
FC: Looks like they’re using whatever’s left of Jeffy’s blanket for PJ’s bib.
MW: Would probably work better if Saul were looking at Eve and not reading his lines off a cue card.
MT: Calling Mark “precious” is an invitation for a donkey punch.
FC: Why is your brain the size of a pea?
FW: Are you just going to ramble on all week or are you going to buy it? I’m running a damn business here!
No no no, Dennis—Scottish terriers are the various soil conditions and topography of wineries in Scotland, and the tastes they produce. Ask Henry. He’ll explain in great detail.
I have definitely spent more time trying to figure out what the phrase “Scotch terrier” has to do with cowboys than the writers spent on that joke.
@Zla’od: I’ll start: The dog is called “Scottish terrier,” the expensive whisky is called “Scotch,” so whatever the joke is it fails on a basic surface level.
As for Dennis’s affinity for Westerns, maybe he spends a lot of time watching his dad play Red Dead Redemption, an age-appropriate leisure activity for the father of a four-year-old?
Also Dennis the Menace: When analyzing a panel such as this, we always have to keep in mind three competing interests: first, nostalgia and the need to recognize such in our over-70 core readership. Second, the requirement to have a punchline, even if it means using a strained, terrible pun (c.f. Funky Winkerbean). Third, sometimes you just want to draw a damn dog, okay?
MW: what’s Saul looking at? He’s clearly not looking at Eve. Is Mary off to the side secretly giving him directions? I doubt he’s undressing anyone with his eyes. Maybe he’s afraid of eye contact. If Eve was paying attention she’d be pissed off.
JP: I’d be happy if this ends with everyone dying in a fire or being cast out of Assguard.
DtM — I’ve thought about this for a few minutes (too long, I know) and the only solution I can come up with is that an unedited AI is now writing the dialogue for this strip. If the content swerves back into seeming coherence, then we’ll know the program has worked out the bugs–very menacing!
JP: I hope that the next six strips or so just continue this trend of people panickedly hanging up on Neddy as soon as they get a whiff that April might be back in town.
RxMD: Dang, Rex looks absolutely disgusted with Sarah. “Imagination?” he hisses, inches away from her face, “Let me tell you something about imagination! I used to have a daughter who could draw perfect horses wholly from her imagination, and now the best she can muster is a sidekick/henchman based one of her dad’s most annoying patients and an old-timey surgical mask to cover up a medical-themed superhero’s perpetually pissy face? PA-THETIC!”
MW, two weeks later:
Mary (reading her mail) “Oh look, Saul and Eve sent us a wedding invitation.”
Toby: “How nice, they’re getting married.”
Mary: “No, not them–it’s their dogs. They’re putting on a dog wedding. Isn’t that fabulous? Dogs are such wonderful creatures…” etc.
DtM – Um…cowboys drink Red Eye. 1950’s business men drink Scotch. I don’t know where the terriers come in….
Blondie – I’m more concerned with bust to waist ratios….
DT – This is the downing of the age of Aquarius….
Adios Amigos, DJ.
Blondie – “Fudgy Dingdoodles” is obviously their take on Hostess Ding Dongs, which are NOT cupcakes. Still, I guess we should be thankful that they left the chocolate-chip cookies unnamed, so we didn’t have to see what they would have done with “Otis Spunkmeyer.”
GT: As a librarian, I hate the word signage. Ask my colleagues, I will drag out the soap box and go on a rant about what is wrong with the word sign.
As a sports fan, don’t even get me started about playdowns.
CS: If I understand correctly Crankshaft doesn’t know how streaming services work. Huhh. Subtle.
Mark Trail is in LA! Where is the LA geography-check that I come to Comics Curmudgeon for???
DtM: I remember many an old timey western when the cowboys would hit the bar after the long dusty trail and have a scotch and Perrier.
Or did I just swill too much gin last night and am having false memories.
Again.
@seismic-2: Suddenly I have visions of a comic artist turning to the bottle for inspiration.
My grandma once told me that ‘if you see a grenade pin fly by, there’s probably a live grenade nearby.’ Words to live by. Words Aquarius will apparently die by.
Vintage Apartment 3G: No, no. Not I kiss. I want to fuck. Right here. I have almost ten minutes before I have to be at work.
@gt: And I hate the word “décolletage.” What’s wrong with plain old décollets? Show me them décollets, baby!”
GT: I don’t use libraries because I’m compulsive about buying and owning my own books. Anyhow I assume moustache guy will get onto the library board and immediately make an ass of himself. By the way everyone I know who wants to work on the computer but can’t do so at home will go to a nearby coffee shop to use free WiFi. That’s not so easy these days but the same restrictions would apply at a library. And wouldn’t a library have Wi-Fi?
DtM: Dennis, real cowboys drank bourbon. Scotch was for those back east, pantywaist city slickers.
MW: Notice Saul’s eyes in the last panel. He’s not even paying attention to Eve anymore. He’s fixated on that giant mountain of french fries passing by, and I can’t say I blame him.
Mr Wilson: It’s a hell of a thing, killing a man. Take away all he’s got and all he’s ever gonna have.
Dennis: Yeah, well, I guess they had it coming.
Mr. Wilson: We all got it coming, kid.
Blondie: I, for one, think Dagwood should only discuss his fudgy dingdoodle ratios with a qualified gastroenterologist. This is simply inappropriate.
FW: is everyone in Batiuk’s world passionate about comic books. I’m not so I can’t even snarc.
I realize this wasn’t discussed in today’s post, but I found today’s Luann marginally amusing. Yes, I’m scared too.
Blondie: I’m sorry but I don’t get this at all. I take it Dagwood is interviewing candidates for a vending machine contract. What would a guy who drives a van and loads and unloads vending machines know about chocolate chip ratios? I’m happy to know they don’t refer to vendos.
Has Dennis been downloading “Deadwood” on his Kindle Fire Kids’ Edition? Menacing!
Curtis: Even on a late-night snack run, Curtis displays the proper amount of dread in waking the Old Ones from their endless, dreamless slumber. Barry’s irresponsibility will doom humanity to the depravations of Cthulhu and his ilk.
@Tmdess: It’s the expurgated version, with all the foul language bleeped out. In other words, the soundtrack is just the beep of a flatlined heart monitor.
MW:Hold up, I thought dogs were the answer to everything, but this extra-extended denouement is now saying therapy (or forgiveness?) is the answer to everything. They should have wrapped this story up with the dogs because now thd thematic takeaway is all muddled—but maybe that’s the point? Perhaps Eve and Saul with get into an argument and split over whether dogs or therapy are the true path to forgiveness, requiring Mary to (finally!) intervene in this mess and set everyone straight: She and only she is the One True Path to forgiveness and fulfillment—now and forever!
Fred Basset: It seems Alex Graham (esteemed cartoonist of Fred Basset) has been reading “Animal Farm” again.
Mannequin On The Moon: On the back of the brick is an ad for Wally’s Wonderful Windows.
PIBGORN9CL – Guys, I’m starting to think that Brooke has a thing for hot babes from the ages of 13-25 bathing in a lake while a voyeur looks on and …. enjoys himself.Back when there were plots – haphazard and not planned out and repetitive, but plots nonetheless – we had multiple scenes where Psycho Martine was bathing naked in the lake when a squad of Germans would wander by and end up staring motionlessly in mute amazement as she shot them down one by one.
@pugfuggly:
Not at all unusual, at least in parts of the U.S. where I’ve been. The cupcakes are plastic-wrapped, and the frosting has a stiffer consistency than you’d find on a fresh cupcake.
@Ranger:
Nobody can buy a book in Funky Winkerbean without making a damn speech about it.
“What if… Funky Winkerbean Had an Editor.”
Batton: Hey, a reprint of Flash 123! You know, “The Flash of Two Worlds” is the story that made me want to be a comic creator myself!
John: Cool! I’ll bet it inspired a lot of folks. You want that one?
Batton [winking]: No thanks. I’ve still got my original.
One strip and done. Not an entire week. Not necessarily all that funny, but at least we could already be agonizing over the return of the Atomik Comics crew or whatever fresh hell awaits us.
9CL – This is what Barbie would look like if she didn’t have a chin.
FC – They’re mushy peas. What else would he eat with fish and chips?
FW – Get help, Batiuk.
I guess it’s my turn in the box. We should all help out good ol’ brendancalling and give him a day off from the Trufans. So here goes:
sallymargret about 9 hours ago
Frank can be kinda cute sometimes.
AnyFace about 9 hours ago
”Low Self-Esteem.” ?
Prescott_Philosopher about 9 hours ago
Hmm, Frank is frankly honest.
capricorn9th about 9 hours ago
Yup, like I said yesterday, Frank is no hottie. Women don’t come to him and flirt. However, a woman who is looking for a stable and settled-down-looking guy, she might pick Frank. Women looking for fun and light skip guys like him. Nancy bartends so it is a sure thing she would attract men – her customers are alcohol-drinking guys. How was THIS guy singled out in her mind? I wonder.
And, sadly, Morcock69 is still missing.
And I just noticed that our dedicated documenter has not taken the day off:
brendancalling about 8 hours ago
Cuck.
@Uncle Lumpy: Or smirking.
Luann: Luann’s father admits to himself he’s a cuck, and the TruFans… well, they see a kindred soul and it’s less funny than it is sad. Truly, pathetically sad.
Remember this when you’re feeling shitty about your own life. It could always be worse. Much much worse.
PS: Still no sighting of Morcock69.
JP – “April’s back! Or is she?” reminds me of the interminable “Rocky is missing!” except that I care even less about it.
DtM – I seriously like the drawing of the Scottie dog. It doesn’t reach the platinum standard of Crypto in Dick Tracy a few years back, but it’s not bad.
Wary Morth:
Saul (thinking furiously): Must not make eye contact…must not make eye contact…
@Scratchy Scrotum LXIX:
I truly appreciate the horrible duty you took on your shoulders. My brain would explode.
@Scratchy Scrotum LXIX: travel day for me, but I got ‘em in above!
The TruFans need therapy.
Sally Forth: I found out where Baja Gaijin is hiding.
@Calvin’s Cardboard Box:
You know, we snarked and moaned about the Nazi plot, but it’s pure high literature compared to what’s going on now in Pigborn. I long since stopped reading 9CL to save my sanity.
The Family Circus: AAAAAHHHHH! Where’s the lower half of P.J.?!
@Sequitur: Did you read T Kingfisher’s “The Hollow Places”? The protagonist and her friend find a portal to a parallel world in one of the walls of her uncle’s museum, and one of the things they worry about might be waiting for them (among other things like brain eating goblins) is clowns.
Clowns.
RMMD: Nice to see that Fantasy Rex Morgan and Mark Trail both solve problems the same way: by beating them into submission.
FC: Even PJ is fed up with this cutesy “stick it on the fridge, so adorable” shit. What kind of question is that? A ridiculous one hoping to go viral among the blue hair set, that’s what.
Heathcliff: As it’s a (the?) Village Cheese Shop and Heathcliff doesn’t live in a village I can only assume he’s been hired as a hit-man. He has a very particular set of skills, after all.
@Sequitur: eaten by a bottom eating goblin from a parallel universe.
Loose Parts: Hägar the Horrible on a stick. Worse food court item ever.
@75 Jihadi Colin:
Maybe a clown from a parallel universe.
@Zla’od: #y115
“the actor (John Ritter) playing Captain Avenger gets grazed by a bullet, and the love interest / neighbor (Anne Archer) gets the pharmacist to tell her what to do for the wound by telling him it was her dog that got shot.”
*****************
“And just where did the bullet hit?”
“Right beside where he carries his wallet.”
“Huh?”
“Er, I mean base of his tail. Or something.”
Blondie: The guy is sitting on a box of Snacky Yaks. Soon to become Farty Favs.
@Poteet: #y129
“why were the cornstalks just left standing and dead, instead of being harvested to feed cattle or some such? Seems like a waste of irrigation water to just leave it.”
If Abel Brito reads your comment, maybe he can be distracted from “defund the library” and switch over to “defund the entire state of Iowa.”
DTM: It is so jarring to see a realistic, photo-referenced dog next to such an abstractly-rendered human. These two shouldn’t even be in the same universe, let alone the same panel.
P.S. I’m sure there’s a reason the Eye of Horus is inscribed on Dennis’ overalls.
Blondie: What a power move — holding interviews but not providing a chair for applicants. Dagwood may be a Dithers someday after all.
DT: Die, 1960s! The 1940s are here to set things straight.
Crankshaft: We have the opportunity almost every day but we just don’t say it enough.
SHUT UP CRANKSHAFT!
@Peanut Gallery: The cupcakes are plastic-wrapped, and the frosting has a stiffer consistency than you’d find on a fresh cupcake.
That’s what she said.
@Sequitur: And LILLIAN IS A LOATHSOME HAG.
Blondie: “How many pounds of Dawkin’s Peanut Butter Discs or Mike & Jims do you want per week?”
@Peanut Gallery:
@pugfuggly:
cupcakes in a vending machine?
Not at all unusual, at least in parts of the U.S. where I’ve been. The cupcakes are plastic-wrapped, and the frosting has a stiffer consistency than you’d find on a fresh cupcake.
Not to be confused with a Cupcake ATM – the brainchild of Sprinkles Cupcakes. We had one for about a year in our neighborhood – and it was attached to the bakery. It took credit cards, and for $5 a pop, you’d get a damn good cupcake in a twee little box. Open 24 hours a day. Alas, Sprinkles pulled up stakes and sold their storefront to Christie Cookes, who removed the ATM. Probably for the best. For what it’s worth, I’m now just a half mile from a bakery that sells fat slices of cake for the same price, and they’re just amazing, plus, their name, Baked on 8th, just makes me smile.
@40 Zla’od: You may be correct that today’s DtM was in fact inspired by a bottle of Scotch. Since the 1890s Black and White (a blended Scotch whisky) has featured a pair of Scotties (one black and one white, naturally) on its label, and they have always been featured prominently in the company’s advertisements. Wikipedia reports that Black and White was a brand favored by Dean Martin, Richard Feynman, and Walt Disney, so why not the artists of the Hank Ketchum Studio too?
GT- Why is Abel Brito (whose parents had a sick sense of humor, naming him that) brushing his teeth while having this conversation at the dinner table?
JP- Come Saturday we’ll find out that Sam didn’t hang up because he spotted April, it’s becaus the ice cream truck showed up and he wanted to satisfy his craving for a choco taco. And he finds talking with Neddy extremely annoying.
MW: If the guy walking by with that big trayful of fries starts slathering them with mayo, we know who it is.
FW: Hey, old boomer. Does your plan of life include buying something or does it just involve forcing me on your trip down memory lane?
GT part Deux- In the final panel Mimi tries to initiate physical intimacy by guiding Gil’s hand to her chest. Sadly though it didn’t work since Gil is hung like a Ken doll.
Blondie: Cupcake-to-cookie ratio? Is that Dagwood code for “What’s my kickback?”
DtM: Non joke strip is the result of censor mandated late substitute dog and punch line after Dennis is introduced to a Shih Tzu.
DtM: A better pun would be “Scotch terrier? You look more like a martini drinker.” My educated guess is that the dog’s owner is following Mary Worth convention and wearing a matching olive patterned scarf.
DT: Everyone loves to debate who would win in hand-to-hand combat: a yuppie pencilneck or a coked-out demi-hippie. Staton and Curtis are weighing in with their answer.
@Danielakiiki:
For the same reason he’s steamed about “rows of unused* computers” or the reference librarian answering only one** question all night: EFFICIENCY! Why waste time brushing your teeth before bed when you can take a bite, brush a tooth, take a bite, brush a tooth, and be done with it?
*”unused” = not being used at the exact moment he’s looking at them, at night in the library
**””one question”=the one question he asked, at night, an unreliable sample to be sure, even if he’s stalking the reference librarian rather than working
@Little Guy: #13
“Purple Stripeypants: “John X is Towns Ellerbee! Towns Ellerbee is John X! And behind those sunglasses, he’s hiding Mister Winky!!””
Or possibly Cyclops of the X-Men.
@Peanut Gallery: I stand by my ew.
@Old School Allie Cat: That sounds pretty good actually. It’s just the idea of cupcakes sitting in a vending machine getting staler by the day that sounds unappealing.
@N.L. Urker, the Phillips screwdriver of the gods: #30
“MW: what’s Saul looking at? He’s clearly not looking at Eve. Is Mary off to the side secretly giving him directions? I doubt he’s undressing anyone with his eyes.”
Well, not any human “anyone.” But there might be a new dog wearing a cute new bandana a couple of tables over, and Saul is smitten but has to be careful not to let Greta realize he’s a triflin’ man, cheating on his own dogmate.
I don’t know about the “undressing” part, though. Fantasizing about removing the bandana from a strange dog in a public place? That’s not just kinky, that’s downright *sick,” Saul.
@Voshkod: #41
“My grandma once told me that ‘if you see a grenade pin fly by, there’s probably a live grenade nearby.’ ”
I heard it as “What should you do if a Norwegian* throws a grenade pin at you? Run, because he’s now holding a live grenade in his mouth.”
*substitute another eth if you wish….
@Guillermo el Chiclero: #45
“DtM: Dennis, real cowboys drank bourbon. Scotch was for those back east, pantywaist city slickers.”
Maybe he’s thinking of fake campy cosplay “cowboys” like the one in The Village People.
Today’s Blondie could’ve ended with one of the applicants saying “That’s for sure.” But the artist instead chose to throw in another applicant saying “Hey at least he cares” to remind us that yes, it’s easy to make fun of Dagwood’s gluttony, but the man cares about the noble art of vending machine stocking, damn it. Can any of us say the same? I think not.
C-Shaft: Look forward to this strip permanently being retitled “Angry Letters to Hulu.”
HtH: Ah yes, the beloved story of how Rip Van Winkle was kept prisoner in a tower for years somewhere in Northern Europe. One of the classics by Jakob and Wilhelm Irving.
Luann: For what it’s worth, Frank missed his window to say that one did X years ago and he married her. Oh well.
MW: On the surface Saul is just trading platitudes with eve, but the way he’s eyeing the third wall you can tell he hears bedsprings squeaking when she says “being with you.” On that note, let’s fade out and see what kind of trite sculpture Toby is making.
@Effluvius Erratus: #54
“MW:Hold up, I thought dogs were the answer to everything, but this extra-extended denouement is now saying therapy (or forgiveness?) is the answer to everything.”
And today we may be seguing into “french fries are the answer to everything.” THAT, I can get behind.
Pluggers: Cat Man is too late for the flash mob. Now they’re called superspreader events.
Phantom: The readers *know* who John X and Towns Ellerbee are! Why are we being subjected to this?
Blondie: The only ratio I’m preoccupied with here is the fact that they use the word “ratio” exactly one too many times for this dialogue to be successfully funny. Which means, from a comedy perspective, the whole thing is just a colossal damn waste of the word “dingdoodle.”
@pugfuggly: Not to defend Blondie, but Hostess does sell their 2-pack of “cupcakes” in vending machines. (I’ve put “cupcakes” in quotes because they’re only technically cupcakes, but still…)
FUNKY WINKERBEAN:
So, those old-fashioned moms were right and comics really does rot your brain. Got it!
REX MORGAN M.D.:
Um…no she actually didn’t. She just stood there for the most part being a bystander to her own “story”. Dweeby goober Buck had more lines then she did.
Luann – Why do I get the impression that Nancy is the only character in this strip who ever has sex? Note that I am not including Frank in that group.
@108 cheech wizard:
I would think Shannon’s parents had sex (whoever they are).
But again, it’s possible Shannon was formed out of the ooze of a fetid swamp after Lillian sneezed in it.
MW-What do the readers have to do to get to move onto the next story?
JP-“I’m sorry, Neddy, but I have to go too.”
FW-“I had a plan to one day kill a comic book shop owner and to steal this comic.”
FC-“I’m having pea soup,” PJ says before flinging peas onto Jeffy.
Spiderman-What is it with these quick to anger characters? Was that a thing back in Stan Lee’s day where if you didn’t answer a question fast enough a fight broke out?
MARY WORTH: Saul: “I too, used to be utterly panicked by mannequins in bad Sears suits, but then I watched your reaction, Eve, and realized how utterly silly that was. So see, you did inspire me!”
@110 Liam:
Shoot Karen Moy like a dog?
Luann-“Hang on. Give me a moment. It’s been years since anything happened.”
Lio-That doesn’t stop other comics.
@Sequitur:
God no. We would then end up with someone new trying to make this comic funny.
LUANN: If there is one thing that #MeToo has taught us, is that women love being relentless hit on at their place of business! (insert eyeroll so strong it might start affecting the tides.)
DT: The original targets of Tracy’s investigation were the mysterious Auntie Bellum and the “drug dealers” Aquarius and Sunshine.
And now, it turns out that Bellum is a crime victim and Aquarius and Sunshine were her brave protectors.
But….since a developer is involved, Dick will let Oscar and Bellum’s son go.
Why?
Forget it, Jake. It’s NeoChicago.
@Scratchy Scrotum LXIX: A toothless bleeding hag, perhaps?
@114 Liam:
You’re probably right. They might give it to Ces.
Dennis the Menace-Cowboys have a shot of gunpowder whiskey.
DtM: Given the state of drinking water in the Old West, it was probably smarter and safer for the cowboys to drink a responsibly made whiskey.
Uncle Lumpy? Immoderate moderation on aisle 121.
One Big Happy: “Miss Avis, who was eating a spicy weiner.”
Such unspeakable filth for a family comic strip.
MW – “My therapist helped me to see that I needed to forgive Gary in order to forgive myself – for all of my mistakes. Being with you, Saul, makes me want to move on. So….goodbye, you neurotic dogfucker. Gawd, it feels so good to say that!”
@112 Sequitur: If someone shot Karen Moy like a dog, would it make her run outside during a thunderstorm?
If there’s an actual joke in DtM, I don’t get it.
@Old School Allie Cat: A bit pricey, but I would definitely try it. Especially during the past year!
@2+2=7: LUANN – Yes, trust the Evansi to misunderstand how bartending works. Bartenders are constantly hit on and asked what they are doing after their shift. Because they are outgoing and attractive and being nice to a customer, so of course the drunk thinks they are being flirted with. If the majority of male and a plurality of female customers don’t think you really are into them, then you need to up your game if you want the tip $.
@Sequitur: Huh, so One Big Happy is set in Toledo and Miss Avis just picked up a to go order from Tony Packo’s Cafe?
Crank: “Don’t we also pay for ads for other shows on subscription cable?”
“Yes, but that’s not new, so I’m not angry about it!”
FW: “Reading this exciting superhero comic gave me a plan, as a result of which I spent decades writing an increasingly depressing newspaper strip about a high school, finally descending into creating multiple author avatars who rambled on about my childhood a lot. I never said it was a good plan.”
GT: Imagine going to a library, being unable to find the single printer because it’s tucked in a corner with no signs, and using this as evidence the library is over-funded.
JP: So Sam hangs up on Neddy, and “meanwhile” Neddy is telling Abby that Sam hung up on her? Does Ces not know what “meanwhile” means?
RMMD: I never expected to be this happy to see the real Rex Morgan.
@seismic-2: Pedantry point: The black one is a Scottie, the white one is a Westie.
@125 astroboy:
And thus Josh’s title to today’s post.
@Calvin’s Cardboard Box: Yeah, if a MILF like Nancy is only being hit on for the first time after bartending for a year, the Fuze must actually be a gay bar.
Wizard of Id: Which horse is Melody Mare?
Wait. It’s even harder en Español.
Strange Brew: My question is, what sort of service would a porcupine do for a squid?
“I came here seeking the treasure. There was a legend of an elder god, a horrific abyss of want and hunger, a merciless, a maw of teeth and darkness threatening to devour those who fail to appease him and pull them into the black void within his belly where the doomed suffer for all of eternity in torment and madness feeding him. But… if you make it past him… Fortune and glory. Your weight in quarters every day…”
Stabby McGee Vs. Aquarius: The Stabbening
Well, we’re on the cusp of some real possibilities here. Will Hil and Faye find a talking Sally Forth head, a la Westworld? Will Gerald appear? Is there a teenage boy named Ronald living in a crawlspace? Will that clown jump up, and rev up a chainsaw?
WILL SOME….SOMEONE REPEAT A…A WORD????
@Sequitur: As Terry Pratchett teaches us, the hedgehog can never be buggered, and presumably the porcupine is the same, so it can’t be THAT sort of service.
Zippy: Twelve-Inch! Sixteen-inch!?
OH, Zippy’s talking about pizza. I thought for a moment that Bill Griffith was doing space porn.
@Tom T.: Phantom: The readers *know* who John X and Towns Ellerbee are! Why are we being subjected to this?
So we can be reminded that nobody in the Phantom world can figure out that Kit Wanker is also the Phantom. Don’t ask me why that secret identity matters. It’s not as though Wanker lives in a penthouse in Matiwaan and would be exposed to attack by the criminals he’s skull-punched. To the outside world, his mundane identity is that of just one more bland businessman. He could vanish and nobody would notice.
You’d think he would tell Worubu and a few other JP members that Wanker, Phantom and the Unknown Commander are one and the same. I don’t see how even the most desperate mercenary is going to trust a leader who never appears, and communicates through notes he magically leaves in his deserted office’s safe. At a minimum you’d want to know that your paymaster isn’t going to sacrifice you for some unknown reason. And if the secret identity is important, it could make a valid story topic–Worubu has been captured and is being tortured. Will he spill his secret before he can be rescued?
The secret identity schtick could work as a satirical point. Guran and Babalu, and probably other Bandar, know all about it. They could be quietly laughing at the outsiders who don’t see it. “We could tell them, if they weren’t too arrogant to talk to us ‘primitive savages!'”
Sally Forth-Yes, Faye, the killer is still in the house. In fact I think Ted is upstairs.
@Dread:
Mary Worth?
Luann-Tell us more about Andy Capp hitting on you.
GT: Abel Brito thinks he’s fuming now, wait until he sees how much the Milford school system spends on coffee for Gil and Kaz.
DtM: What is Dennis on about? Everyone knows that old-time cowboys drank White Claw.
@Peanut Gallery:
A bit pricey, but I would definitely try it. Especially during the past year!
Sugar has always been my drug of choice, and the hits just keep on coming. There’s a new chain out of Utah that has infiltrated – they’re called Crumbl, and they have brick and mortar stores, but they also deliver. The cookies are massive. Most are served warm, but the iced sugar cookies are served chilled, and it’s a problem. They rotate flavors weekly. I try not to look, but this week, I did – there’s a sugar cookie with pina colada icing that looks really solid.
I also learned that a new restaurant is opening in the neighborhood that does french fries and soft serve ice cream – and that’s it. I could go on. We have ice cream sandwiches on steroids, freakshakes, cronuts, chocolate cayenne pie, boozy slushies…
It’s Plugger Heaven. Some places even let you bring the dog. Aren’t dogs wonderful? Isn’t therapy wonderful? Aren’t therapy dogs wonderful?
I’m rambling. But if I cave and get the pina colada cookie, I’ll let you know, just as soon as I’m done hiding the box in the trash.
@Sequitur: #134
“My question is, what sort of service would a porcupine do for a squid?”
The first rule of Porcupine Club is that you do not talk about Porcupine Club.
@Shrug: Wuh-wait, I gently question the management of a California cornfield, and then it turns out that if Abel Brito reads what I said, he might want to defund the entire state where I live? That’s it, I am so done trying to figure out GT.
@richardf8: Oh geez, that was the first thing I wondered also. If DtM ever joined up with MW, that could be some real menacing.
@Pozzo: Bwahaha!
MW: Thanks a lot, Moy and Brigman. I don’t crave french fries when I don’t see or smell them, but now I am thinking about french fries, hard.
@151 Poteet:
Oh, those aren’t French fries. They’re fried ribbon worms. There must be a Klingon ordering a meal.
Still hungry?
“…a guy in a suit stabbing a hippie in major newspapers” —for a second, I thought Al Capp was back on the funny pages.
@Old School Allie Cat: Sounds wonderful. There’s a similar cookie-delivery chain called Insomnia Cookies. And I just now realized that once I finally get vaccinated, my diet is going out the window. :-)
@Shrug: You can call Porcupine Club a lot of things, but you can’t call it pointless.
Since we’re on the subject of food, did y’all know that cicadas are land shrimp?
Take that, Mr. Smarty Pants Mark Trail!
@Old School Allie Cat: We have Crumbl Cookies in Colorado. During our big snowstorm last month my son plowed the neighbors’ driveway using our plow. Neighbor delivered a dozen Crumbl Cookies and he didn’t share any!
Grumbl Crumbl Grumbl
@Peanut Gallery: #156
You can’t just suddenly change the meme to “cicadas”! That’s not cricket!
FORGIVE me, but could we please MOVE ON from this story? That would truly INSPIRE me!
@159 Lord Flatulence:
If you’re talking about Mary Worth than no. It is the Sisyphus of comic strips. Just when you think the story rolls up to the ending the plot rolls back down and starts anew.
It is the most disturbing and ponderous of strips.
@Lord Flatulence: We need to forgive ourselves before we can truly move on.
@Peanut Gallery: Wikipedia ought to note this important taxonomic controversy on the pages for these two animals.
@Sequitur: “Tea, Earl Gray! Cold, with lots of sugary bubbles! Kaplagh!”
@Liam: “And he had a British accent! So intelligent and refined.”
“At first I thought he said his people *spanked* the monkey, but he said no, they *hanged* the monkey.”
@Calvin’s Cardboard Box:
“Hey, you’re cute. What are you doing after your shift?”
“Going to Bible study at my Jehovah’s Witnesses Kingdom Hall. Wanna come?”
DT: Knife dude’s a Scorpio, right? Bummer, man. Scorpio and Aquarius, never gonna work. Bad vibrations, conflicting auras. No way, man. Peace out..
Crankshaft: “Ed, you’ve been watching television since Harry Truman was president. If you’re not used to the idea of seeing commercials on television by now, I’m not going to try to explain it to you.”
@163 Poteet:
You’re almost right. One has scopophobia while the other is aquarium. And you’re right that they don’t get along. One has fear of being stared at and the other loves being stared at.
@Sequitur: #160
MARY WORTH is far more boring than Sisyphus — Sisyphus ROCKS !
@166 Shrug:
Yes. Sisyphus was on the cover of Rolling Stone!
@Sequitur: #167
GET DOWN!!!!
@seismic-2: I’ll go put on a suit.
@Tom T.: It’s for those who came in late.
@Shrug: I thought it was either dogs or Jesus.
@Peanut Gallery: I continue to maintain that rabbits are land crabs.
@Zla’od: Yes, but they thought the monkey was a Frenchman. Just think, monkeys washing ashore like hairy fruit…
MW: Please, for the love of god, stop this arc.
Or, so help me, I will shoot the dog.
Both of them.
And Wilbur too, just for good measure.
FC – Dear Mr. Fix-It: When we feed our kid in his high chair, everything ends up on the floor. What can we do?
Dear Parents: How far can the kid throw? Get an old table at least twice that wide, cut a hole in the center, and seat the kid in there. Be sure to strap him in so he can’t escape.
@173 Peanut Gallery:
P.J. is frustrated. He can’t throw past the table but he practices and practices. He’s soon able to not only throw past the table but Chuck stuff on the far wall.
Later in life he signs a contract to pitch for the Arizona Diamondbacks.
@Old School Allie Cat: Thank you for making me aware of Crumbl Cookies. I have discovered there is one only five miles from me! And it’s conveniently located on my route between Costco and Trader Joe’s.
I have a doctor’s appointment next week where I’ll have to weigh in, but Crumbl will get a visit soon afterward.
You are all wrong about what old-time cowboys drank.
“What’ll you have, stranger?”
“Gimme a Green Fairy.”
(While the bartender prepares the drink, the stranger pulls a slotted spoon from his boot and begins toying with it. The cowpoke on the next barstool turns toward the stranger.)
“There’s only one desperado west of the Pecos who carries a sterling silver absinthe spoon with a racehorse design on it. You’re Big Ed Degas!”
“What about it?”
“I’m Manet The Kid! Next one’s on me!”
@Arabella:
And it’s conveniently located on my route between Costco and Trader Joe’s.
Trader Joe is the *other man* in my life. I’m going to see him this weekend… I may need a cigarette after.
Not really – I will get one of their knock-off-but-vastly-superior Kit Kats and enjoy the afterglow.
@Peanut Gallery:
A shadow falls across the swinging doors and a tiny stranger saunters in. “Oh no, it’s ‘Too Loose’ La Trek!”
@Old School Allie Cat:
Ain’t no Kit Kats like Japanese Kit Kats.
@Uncle Lumpy: Wasn’t he the former railroad conductor who lost his watch? “No Time” To’Lose?
@2+2=7: LUANN: Considering the fact that the Degroots (and by extension Greg Evans) were willing to let their 15-16 year old daughter date men at least 21 years old, it’s too much to hope for that they paid any attention to the MeToo movement. Especially since Evans also had Bernice recommend Tiffany move in with Ann Eiffel, the woman who sexually harassed her as her boss at the bookstore (it should also be noted that Bernice was a minor at the time.)
Clearly, issues of consent go right over the Evans’s heads.
Phantom: Suddenly the Trusted Man is overcome with loyalty to the mysterious Towns Ellerby. “No,” he tells the Jungle Patrol. “This photo of John X looks nothing like the drawing you did of the same guy, wearing a different hat.”
MW. And…it’s back to dogs again. Max helps Eve to move on. YES, MOVE ON!
MT: Ambrosia? This must be one of Jules’ degenerate friends.
FW: DC should definitely sue. Heh heh, good thing it wasn’t one of those R. Crumb comics.
@Sequitur: Whoa. That’s beautiful, but not for dinner.
MT: Looks charming, except when the non-native reptiles escape and cause ecological disaster like they’re doing in Florida.
MW: Okay, Karen and June, it’s not funny any more! Joke over! End this!