They ordered the piranhas on the Dark Web, maybe
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Dick Tracy, 6/16/22
Oh, right, I guess I never mentioned that the owl guy had, pre-owl-stuff, been seen using hypnosis (?) to convince people to hand over money they were taking out of ATMs, and is also a classic member of Dick’s rogues gallery named “Mr. Memory.” ATM-hypnosis is in the same bank-robbing ballpark as the stuff our heroes are investigating, but I appreciate Sam pointing out that it’s not the same thing as draining bank accounts via computer hacking, at all. I suppose he could’ve just used his hypnosis powers to convince a bank employee to do the bank account draining for him. Dick, however, is very set on this computer business being at the center of things, to the extent that he’s defensively claiming that Mr. Memory needs computers to “plan” his crimes, but while the flashback scene in panel two today is completely wild on a number of levels, at its heart it’s fairly standard tying-people-up-and-holding-cops at gunpoint stuff that doesn’t need, like, an advanced AI to pull off. Maybe Mr. Memory and his gang had a shared Google Doc that they used for brainstorming ambassador-kidnapping ideas, I dunno.
Dennis the Menace, 6/16/22
The thing about this panel is that what Dennis is saying is nonsense. What’s menacing is his attitude. Just standing six inches behind his dad while his father tries to do a little fixy stuff for once, casually sipping his soda from a straw, letting loose with some pointless advice. “You’re a dipshit, dad” is just kind of his whole vibe, you know?
200 replies to “They ordered the piranhas on the Dark Web, maybe”
FC: “I filled your car with gas, too!”
Sisters are good!
9CL – Today features the two main characters making out in a lake. Again.
PIB – Today features the two main characters making out in a lake. Again.
Not sure how the physics work here. Edda is swimming underwater and sees that Amos is standing on the edge of the dock. So, she bursts up out of the water and flies several feet into the air, like a porpoise, and as she comes back down she reaches out and grabs Amos off the dock, dragging him into the inky depths with her. The author’s fantasies have become increasingly divorced from anything resembling reality….
DtM: “Why aren’cha usin’ yer hammer bone, Dad? Ya know, the malleus, or hammer bone in yer ear? Why aren’cha usin’ yer malleus? ‘Cause it’s called a hammer? Is this funny, Dad? Is this menacing? Is it? What, too academic?” *slurps drink*
Beetle Bailey : …does it say something about it that my mind went “OMG SARGE’S NAKED MY EYES!!”, then “Why does Sarge have his rank tattooed on his arm!?” and only much later “Beetle still wears his hat when he’s naked to take a shower?”
********
Dick Tracy : is expositing to Sam Ketcham about something we are shown Sam was present for. Though I guess since the flashback is an illustration of a scene from a failed 1960s attempt by Dick Tracy to
rip-offcash-in on 1960s Batmania, it might have not been immediately obvious that Mr Memory’s gimmick is “computers” rather than “generic supervillainy”.********
Garfield : oh, right, it’s on the Juneteenth. 44 years. That’s what, over 200 years in cat years? No wonder he hates “old people are old” jokes.
********
Safe Havens : that’s a ridiculously large number of rodents to be coming out of Samantha’s house. I thought she was the world’s greatest scientist and the first woman on Mars, surely she could afford better than a single story house that apparently had a mouse population in the double digits!
DtM: Henry should display his middle fingernail to Dennis.
DT: Tomorrow we meet Half-Hands, the henchman who once tried to wash his hands in the fish tank, and necessitated the “Caution Piranhas” sign.
DT: So Mr. Memory used computers to plan kidnappings? How? Did he make Gantt charts to map out the timeline? An Excel sheet to list the addresses of the ambassadors? Why is he wearing a glowing headband in the flashback?
MW: “Yes, I talk to my cat. But you know what really frosts me? When he has the gall to actually look at something else while I’M TALKING.”
RMMD: The Street Sweeper, intrepid fighter of crime has morphed into Ow Mommy My Arm Hurts Man.
9CL: I, too am impressed by flawless grammar from someone who seems to have a brain the size of a pea.
FW: I have always had sympathy for wedding planning couples who are besieged with intrusive and demanding family. The solution? Operate on a level that’s beyond the comprehension of the nosy old farts.
MW: Jess asking Jared if he lives alone with his cat is a classic cue for him to mention Dawn. The fact that he doesn’t confirms that he is actually hitting on her. Ladies and gentlemen, we’re watching the mating ritual of Star Trek nerds.
Juliet Jones – What? She only dates guys who commit felonies?
Crankshaft – Come on, Lil. Put another checkmark in the “Lives I ruined” column. We’ll forgive you for this one.
Frazz – If anyone knows obnoxious, it’s Caulfield.
Jump Start – It’s Willa and Stellan!
MW: Time stands still at SANTA ROYALE COMMUNITY hospital. Unaware that they are trapped in a continuity loop, Jess and Jared continue happily to discuss cats, hope, and their adolescent living arrangements, not realizing that they are covering the same topics over and over again. Meanwhile, Dawn has long since left the club, ditched her friend and the guy she was dancing with, successfully “adulted,” completed her Ph.D. Summa Cum Laude, met and married a physicist with whom she developed pioneering methods of space travel, won a Nobel Prize, and with her husband and three children, is even now leading the first human expedition to Vega.
DT – So…Ass-To-Mouth?!?
DtM – You blew all your hammerin’ ju-ju nailin’ mom….
Adios Amigos, DJ.
DT: “Now Uglymug Ulrich on the other hand, he used a spiral notebook and a corkboard to plan his abductions of foreign diplomats. That’s a real criminal for you.”
DtM: “Very funny, you little turd. Here’s a Phillips head, go screw yourself.”
GT: Sure, Mrs. Hamm, why not betray your husband’s privacy and trust in you? Your son’s baseball coach was curious about something that’s none of his business; who could say no to that?
CS: Whoa! Lillian’s unloadin’ some straight-fire smack, and Cranky got nuthin’. Just then little Mitch pipes up and says, “I’m sorry I twisted your fence. It was an unforseen accibent.” Lillian calls him an asshole.
FW: Wishing you a lifetime of love and viral content!
DtM: Dennis goes on to harangue his poor father with other nonsensicals; “Ever pick your feet in Poughkeepsie? Huh, Dad?”
DTM: Very appropriately, Henry is hanging a picture of a house with numerous windows but no door. Everyone can see in but no one can get out. If that’s not the life of a legacy comics character, what is?
DT: What kind of villain puts a “CAUTION: PIRANHAS” sticker on his fish tank full of piranhas?
DtM: Dennis can’t be bothered to bring his A material to the occasion, instead dribbling wordplay that barely rises to Ed Crankshaft level.
DT: Yup, Mr. Memory has an affinity for three things: guns, silly crowns, and computers. As you can see from the background, the last of these are defined as “large boxes covered in blinking primary color lights.”
[Will be back later in the day for Best of the Rest snark.]
DT: I appreciate the “CAUTION: PIRANHAS” label. You wouldn’t want an unlabelled tank of piranhas, would you? That would be dangerous.
Luann is actually funny today. What’s the world coming to?
JP: Well, the truth didn’t set Sam free, but it sure opened the door for Abbey.
RMMD: “We have our own jail doctor, Meatball Bungleman. He should be sober in the morning. Hungover as hell, but reasonably sober. Besides, you’ll have to bunk with Snake tonight, so I’ve got a feeling that your arm is going to be the least of your problems.”
GT: Tomorrow the police are going to discover a double-murder/suicide at the Hamm house, aren’t they? Nice work, Gil.
“I hope I’ve given you A New Hope.
“Yes, I’ll give that Rogue One lesson he’ll never forget!
“I guess I’ll have to go Solo again!
“Haha … Welp, I’m off to my Sithter’s.”
@Hibbleton: Dennis: “You pick your nose, Dad? Shoulda picked a smaller one. That things like a goddamn beak. Seriously though, you oughta do something about those fingernails. They’re disgusting.”
@Oversized Garden Ornament: “Funny” is maybe a little strong, but yeah, it’s a solid, workmanlike gag. Probably because it’s a generic comic strip gag that doesn’t require any knowledge of contemporary young people or the 21st Century in general.
Gunther still comes across as an asshole, though, even when he’s right.
GT: She said, “I’m tired of this. Google ‘Wrap up hackneyed spring plot’.”
DT: I absolutely love the chaos of that second panel: guns drawn, hostages tied up, computer with wireless headband(?) humming away, oh, and a small tank of piranhas for no obvious reason. Maybe the computer suggested that last one — it does seem like the kind of solution that an AI fed thousands of hours of James Bond films might come up with.
DT: On the surface this doesn’t seem like much of a menace, but Dennis is actually making a reference to a complain he heard from his mother last night through the bedroom door…
RMMD: Sweeper: “Could I get Dr Morgan to look at my arm?”
Cop: “I guess…but we don’t need a confession from you”
GT: Kaz: “Gil, ‘OnlyFans’ is one word.”
DT: I thought the ambassador was being threatened by the piranha and not the other way around, but I’m not so sure.
Blondie: The only time that I ever laughed unironically at a Blondie comic, was one where Dagwood was showing Alexander a photo album.
Dagwood: This is my Uncle Horatio, he’s a gold miner but he was terrible at it, even his mule found more gold than he did.
Alexander: What’s he doing now?
Dagwood: Still mining, meanwhile his mule is living in Beverly Hills.
DtM: “Plus, you’re hanging that picture below your eye level, which is kind of fucked.”
9CL: The 19 words of dialogue from Edda kinda ruin the “quickly” “joke,” but you do you, Brooke. Also, I appreciate how the physics don’t work in this universe. Maybe Edda just had a massive rush of adrenaline and is lifting Amos up like a rag doll in panel two.
Luann: Weird that Gunther is basically calling Les a pussy.
Dustin: Dayyum, what does DustinDad do to those donuts?!?
FC: Not pictured: Jeffy also “raining” on the plants.
MW: Didn’t we already have living-with-sister platitudes from Jared?
CS: “OK, I’ll use your shrill, loathsome voice.”
FW: That’s definitely how hashtags work, Batty. Good show. Plus, also, Funky gives curmudgeons a bad name.
Gil – I took Ggreg’s momm’s advice:
https://masonhelmstetter.com/
DtM: I can see Dennis at age 70, dressed exactly the same, with the same drink, standing there saying the same stupid wordplay to his son-in-law. In other words, Dennis is the young Ed Crankshaft.
DtM: Henry hangs Dennis by his bib overalls on the nail he just fixed.
“It’s a hangnail! Get it!? Chew on that for a while. Hey, Alice! We got any beer?”
“Yeah, usually when some criminal kidnaps ambassadors, wed find that he just used an abacus to it; some even just wrote out calculations with pencil and paper. So, computers? That just screams Mr. Memory to me. Of course, that was so long ago that he used a KayPro running WordStar on 5-inch floppies, but, you know, close enough for Major Crimes Unit work.”
MW-So did Dawn yell at anyone who tried to upstage her dancing?
JP-Uh, Sophie, you’re melting.
FC-Well Dolly is always raining on Mommy’s parade.
Love Is-The wood is symbolic. https://www.artfulaspreycartoons.co.uk/love-is-color-16-june-2022/
Dennis the Menace-“Dennis, hand me the screwdriver.” “You’re not allowed to drink anymore.”
JP: This arson arc started about a year ago. When the B&B burned down, Abbey immediately began whining and moping that she would be blamed for it, and this was true. For what reason? What was the legal case against Abbey, and how did it implicate her specifically while leaving Sam apparently completely free from suspicion? No idea, because the formal accusation and evidence against Abbey all took place offpage.
We (as in the few and dwindling readers of Judge Parker) endured several weeks of Abbey’s moping about the subject and the other characters whined and made sarcastic metacommentary quips about it. Then Deputy Mayor Stewart approached Sam to overthrow Mayor Sanderson and vaguely blackmail and/or befriend him for support and influence using drone footage of Abbey committing the crime. While Sam waffled and barked ineffectually, DMS went ahead with his coup and successfully made Mayor Sandy take the fall for the arson. What was the case against Mayor Sandy? What happened to the evidence that the law had already collected to use against Abbey? No idea, because this all took place offpage.
Abbey and the not-daughters celebrated Abbey’s arbitrarily-proclaimed exoneration while Sam fell into a deep moping funk, because he suspected Abbey might be guilty of the unforgivable heinous crime of burning down her B&B. Frankly Sam’s moral outrage is a bit confusing since, while arson and insurance fraud are certainly irresponsible and unethical, the only thing Abbey would have done was destroy her own property and try to get paid for it. She didn’t ruin anyone’s life. Meanwhile, Sam participated in the deceitful destruction of an unpleasant-but-seemingly-innocent man’s reputation and career, which is far more immoral at least in my eyes. As usual, the strip takes little notice of this. At any rate, several months of Sam becoming cold and distant ensue. Why couldn’t Sam just talk to Abbey about this? What were Abbey’s thoughts about her husband’s withdrawal from her? What happened with Mayor Sandy, anyway? No idea, because all of this took place offpage; instead, we got dozen or so weeks of Randy whining and moping in a cabin and April sitting in a car making sarcastic metacommentary quips.
Neddy and Sophie came home to meddle in the matter themselves, since Sam was doing little more than drinking and pulling the thumbdrive with the drone footage out of his desk to stare at it. After lots of moping and sarcastic metacommentary quipping, Neddy came up with the idea of using her film editing connections to have someone examine the footage. Sure enough, the answer came back the drone footage was fake. How was it faked? What is the truth behind the drone footage? No idea, because this revelation and the truth of the original crime took place entirely offpage.
Having been informed by Neddy and Sophie, Sam went to go bark ineffectually at DMS, accomplishing nothing other than deciding it was finally time to tell Abbey about all this. So here it is, the big payoff scene of an entire year’s worth of set-up. After all this time and build-up, we finally see Sam and Abbey talk directly to each other about this whole mess they’ve been skirting for months in and out of universe… NOPE! We see Neddy, Sophie, and Literally Who the College Roommate at a restaurant sitting around moping and exchanging sarcastic metacommentary quips, and then Sam sends Neddy a text that says, “omg abbey got mad. smh lol.” And that’s that. The big payoff to this yearlong story took place entirely offpage.
It’s pretty common to encounter the worst writing one’s ever seen when reading legacy comic strips, but this is on a simply baffling level. Francesco Marciuliano is a writer who does not want to write what should be the biggest and most important scenes of his own stories. All he has done with his time writing this soap is turn everyone into interchangeable non-characters who just sit around talking like members of the Forth family. At this point I don’t think I have anything funny to say about this strip anymore, it’s certainly not enjoyable to read on its own merits, and I think almost everyone here has given up on it already as well, so in the spirit of Marciuliano’s writing I will stay offpage myself. You broke me, Marciuliano. I’m done with Judge Parker.
Phrases to work into conversation today:
“Give me the keys to the CricketMobile!”
“My spider-sense won’t let you tail-zap me a SECOND time!”
“Flawless grammar is so on-turning!”
“The gurgle suggests zombie!”
Other candidates?
DT: Tracy with clenched fists looks angrily at the fish not Mr. Memory. “I eat fish! Fish don’t eat me!” Struggling; “Must …restore …the natural …order.”
@Shrug:
If someone asks you if you talk to your pets say; Yes, I work long hours.”
Dennis the Menace: Are hangnails shameful? Have I ever had one? This has a whole “Shut up, kid, the neighbors might hear” vibe to it. He’s got his dad conditioned to feel humiliation any time he opens his mouth: it might not mean much to us observers, but, in the family dynamic. . . very, very menacing.
MW: “My sister also beats me up, but at least she can cook.”
Gil Thorp – These are the days I wish I had unlimited time and money to buy a Mason Hamstetter domain and fill it with all kinds of crazy stuff.
But I don’t.
But if someone else did, I’d be glad to kick in some funds and create a little content.
@taig: 9CL – “I appreciate how the physics don’t work in this universe. Maybe Edda just had a massive rush of adrenaline and is lifting Amos up like a rag doll in panel two.”
This seems to happen to Brooke a lot. He gets an image of what he wants to draw, and then when he tries to draw it the details turn out to make no sense, but he just charges ahead anyways.
Here, either she has arms that are several meters long so that she can reach up from under the dock and grab Amos like that, with enough leverage to pull him into the water, or she has flown up out of the water and is grabbing Amos as she comes back down.
The only important things are the “quickly kiss me” joke and the “draw Edda in a string bikini” opportunity.
You know what you can plan using a computer? The layout for your comic strip so that you figure out where the “CAUTION PIRANHAS” label will go and you won’t have to resort to making the bottom word way off center so it can be readable in the panel.
DtM — Henry, you know the old saying, When all you have is a hammer, everything looks like Dennis’s head
MW – “A New Hope, you might say. See what I did there?”
Rubes: A real crappy singer/guitar player.
@Oversized Garden Ornament: “Yes, I can assure you that my cat is the only pussy in my life.” (wink, wink, wink.)
Dennis the Menace: Not depicted: Henry proving who’s the real g-d menace by driving the nail in with Dennis’ forehead.
DT: I’m sure the workplace accident rate for guys who lug around performatively deadly piranha tanks has got to be extremely high, but being able to put “Piranha Maintenance and Transportation” on your henchman CV has got to count for something right?
DT: I don’t know from which era of the strip that flashback is from but I’m betting that in at least one of them the bad guy winds up getting dunked ass first into that tank.
Dick Tracy: Dick is pissed in that second panel. Disappointed, really. “The average iPhone—has more memory—than the computers they used…hfff…to send men to the moon—and you needed a mainframe for this? Ugh—get back to me when your punchcards run out, fools!”
RMMD:
Police; “Good job, Doc. Distracting that guy so the hostage could escape.”
“Uh, Yeah. Thanks.”
@Wilktoast: Eh, that’s entry-level kind of stuff. It does prepare you for Sr. Sharks-With-Lasers Engineer positions, though.
Slylock: In the second panel, the elephant has a head cold and is spraying mucus on the bather.
Let us look at Henry’s toolkit. One screwdriver, head-type undetermined. Three (!) hammers – claw (in use), a short-handled sledge, and maybe a joiner? One pair pliers, check. One unidentifiable short tool, possible a knife. These are not the tools of a workman or ever a handyman at home. These are the tools of the Night Menace, who has been committing unspeakable crimes around the neighborhood and, even now, is under observation by the FBI through their infiltrator, Jimmy the Dwarf, currently disguised as one Dennis Mitchell. Let the cat-and-mouse game begin.
DT- Pin. ATM. Geddit? C’mon, Dick, this is comedy gold I’m shoveling your way…
9 Chickweed Lane: As usual, Brooke is too clever by half. In the sentence “Flawless grammar is such a turn-on,” on is part of a compound noun, not a preposition. If you want to draw women in skimpy bikinis, just draw women in skimpy bikinis!
MW: The dialogue loses some of its appeal when you realize Jared is carrying a loaded bedpan.
My brother got injured pretty bad in a car accident last night so here’s hoping it hasn’t hit too hard on my snarking powers…
FW: Christ, Rocky, just show up where they tell you wearing the dress. It’ll make things a hell of a lot easier and then we won’t find you dangling on the ceiling of the pergola by your veil.
MW: So, if we’re going by a realistic sense of time, it’s probably been about twelve hours or so since the call Jared made to Dawn asking if she’d like to meet him for dinner at the hospital to the present day. It’s assumed that in that interim time, Jess has talked to her sister, gotten some sleep, eaten, and probably talked to the police/a social worker/etc. while Jared’s made his rounds, rested, and has gotten back to work. They’ve probably only actually talked to each other for…half an hour to 45 minutes non-consecutively. Moy, however, has managed to drag out this conversation non-stop for about two weeks now. For God’s sake, woman, just cut back to Dawn! Yes, she’s a boorish gold digging Weston but at least it could end this story sooner!
RMMD: Dolemite don’t give a shit who looks at Clayton’s boo-boo as long as he gets that promotion to detective.
JP: Should be interesting how the substitute artist depicts a furious Abbey. I’m thinking Red from Angry Birds.
MW: Jared isn’t outright lying and saying that he’s only got his cat to talk with, but the sad thing is that it may be close to the truth. His mum is busy doing naked yoga with her boyfriend all day, and while he can talk to Dawn, he’s just realized that she doesn’t listen.
GoComics is gonna need a serious expert in reputation repair after the authorities find what’s in Brooke’s basement and the site has to explain why they kept this clearly disturbed man’s work running for years after it became apparent (turning off comments on the strip will not look good for them when it comes up in the trial).
Dick Tracy:
The first-panel silhouette is revealing. Dick’s lanky form casually struts through the scene, Sam follows with a more eager and athletic stride, but as always they are united in their passion for high-heeled footwear.
RMMD: Sarge; “Did he have any weapons on him?”
“Only this thing?”
“A curling broom!? What kind of sicko are you, pal?”
@Needless_Exposition: I’m sorry to hear about your brother.
@Needless_Exposition:
Hope your brother gets well soon.
In Westview, it’s gotta be the gazebo in the town square or the Band Box at Montoni’s; there are no other options.
@Uncle Lumpy:
Well, I suppose she could dangle from Dinkle’s baton, but ew.
FW: Comic book time problems are getting to me. Cory Winkerbean is the same age as Summer Moore, right? They graduated from Westview the same year? But whereas Summer has been in college for literally a decade and shows no progress toward finishing her BA, Cory has served in the army, gotten engaged, worked in his father’s small business, reached various conventional adulthood milestones. Summer has done nothing more exciting than occasionally change her major and take seasonal temp work. I hope her tedious non-graduation hijinks are really covering up the fact that she left college years ago and adopted some super-transgressive lifestyle that she doesn’t want her dad to know about. (Maybe she joined a church that doesn’t worship St. Lisa.)
According to Ces on Facebook, Bret Blevins, who took over the Phantom drawing in Manley’s absence, is also doing Judge Parker. No word on why the drawing style is so different, although one may theorize that Phantom pays way better than JP.
9CL-Are they drowning? Are they going to die?
@I speak Jive: Thanks. He had to stay overnight with some broken ribs and facial injuries but at least he’ll come out still looking better than Jared did.
@Uncle Lumpy: Nowadays the fake bougie can call anything a pergola, even a wire frame topped with wood planks and flowers. That in particular is a Hootin’ Holler brand type of pergola which they call a “Pergie.”
9CL – I can’t understand this at all. I get the pretentious dialogue, but I can’t figure out how this scene could play out in real life. In panel one, is Edda under water and reaching up? If so, her hair is not reacting like hair looks under water. It should be streaming and floating around her head. In the remaining panels she is out of the water (I guess), but her hair does not look wet.
And then there’s Amos, with his swimming trunks pulled up nearly to his armpits. Brooke went crazy drawing his overbite.
I can’t comment on the twins’ appearance, because of course they’re not there playing with the Mother of the Century and her thrall.
@Hibbleton: #1
“…and poured some oil in the engine – Mazola was okay, wasn’t it? it’s all we had.”
@MKay: #8
“MW: “Yes, I talk to my cat. But you know what really frosts me? When he has the gall to actually look at something else while I’M TALKING.””
“…and then he has the nerve to tell me he’s looking at it for ‘aesthetic reasons.’ “
@Hibbleton: I thought that was his lunch. Or maybe it’s both.
@jroggs: Thank you. I had given up on it (and Sally Forth) a while back. It is clear that I am not missing anything.
@Calvin’s Cardboard Box: And yet, I can’t stop myself from reading Brooke’s drivel. And trying to make sense of it. Do people in Brooke’s universe have gills or something? I can’t understand how half the characters in these comics haven’t drowned in all their underwater shenanigans.
9CWL Wait, is this supposed to be underwater? Both of them with their mouths wide open, speaking? Because that’s not how “underwater” works. Or did she leap onto the dock, grab him, and they are now falling back into the water?
9CL-The white background is Brooke’s genius.
I’ve been taking to reading 9 Chickweed Lane from the beginning when it was just gag-a-day strips. Admittedly I’ve actually laughed at these strips but judging by the comments here, I know they get worse. Godspeed to me.
@Needless_Exposition: Sometimes a vintage 9 Chickweed Lane gets linked here. When I have looked at them, they tend to be at least mildly amusing, and sometimes kind of sweet. The current strip might as well have a different creator and different characters.
@Merry Mirth: “So, she bursts up out of the water and flies several feet into the air, like a porpoise, and as she comes back down she reaches out and grabs Amos off the dock, dragging him into the inky depths with her.”
Yes, Edda can do all that. And has a mouth full of shark teeth. Amos, in the meantime, has no lower mandible and dresses funny. These are clearly modern projections of Lucky Eddie and the Mermaid. But given the teeth, it is clear that while Lucky Eddie is content to keep a goldfish as a pet, Amos could never settle for anything less than dark-web Piranhas.
@jroggs: Well and fully exposited, but I read it for the tits.
@jroggs: #38
Your summation of this whole story arc is articulate and masterful – I mean that sincerely. I stopped reading JP a long time ago – it is inscrutable and (worse) boring. The vintage strips are fun to read, as is the case with many of the legacy soap-opera strips that have sadly deteriorated over the decades.
@Shrug: #39
“You should use some of your hangnails.”
MW – Why do I get the impression Jess isn’t really a domestic violence victim but a Frankensteinian abomination stitched together from parts in the hospital morgue? The stitches are part of it but the dialog is the clincher.
@Rube: Yeah, from what I heard, when Edda became old enough to be on the level of va-va-voom with full preparation toward “adult situations,” Brooke turned it into his opinions platform and Amos became his Author Avatar (like how Les is to Batty).
MW – “Yeah, I talk to my cat all the time. And she told me to do this. I’m sorry, Jess. (Puts pillow over her face, muffled screams ensue)
@cheech wizard: She’s just the newest member of Santa Royale’s pod people, here to prove that Moy has never had a conversation with an actual human in decades.
@Liam: They could be under the water, but it looks more like they’re flying through space.
@Oversized Garden Ornament: You’re confused; the Star Trek nerds are over in Luann. These are Star Wars nerds. It’s best in these things to stick to one’s own kind. Jess is in the hospital because she tried to hook up with a Star Trek nerd and wasn’t prepared for foreplay that involved a Battleth.
@Anonymous: Yeah, Mr. Memory isn’t a classic member of the Rogues Gallery, but a character played by Victor Buono (King Tut on BATMAN) in that one unsold pilot episode.
Is the well of characters to say “Hey, they’re still alive!” to running dry for the team, or just the usual tendency towards oddly tilted nostalgia whether it fits or not?
9CL – Each panel represents a completely different event. In Panel 1, Edda is underwater and holding her hands above the surface to wave them at Amos. In Panel 2, she has magically levitated several feet into the air and grabbed Amos’ arms while he stands at the edge of the dock. Then, Panel 3 shows that Amos has freed himself from her grip, grabbed her around the waist, and is now falling off of the dock.
We’ve established that Brooke can’t have ever tried to replicate the water sports based sex acts he attempts to depict in the strip, but apparently he hasn’t even gone swimming in a lake before, or he would know that gravity still works even underwater, and you can’t just levitate out of the pond and grab someone standing on the dock.
DtM – I don’t know, to me the look on Henry’s face is saying “If I smack him with this hammer will anyone notice? Or care?”
@richardf8: Wait, are we discussing the Star Trek Wars, where rival Kirk and Picard factions rendered a third of the galaxy uninhabitable with their battles of annihilation? Or do you mean the Star Wars Trek, where people flew out to Tatooine and then marched 1,000 miles through the desert to see the birthplace of the Sandpeople and to drink coffee and bullseye womp rats out by the Jawa Hut.
DT: Your more-competent supervillains would properly have Tracy straitjacketed and hanging upside-down over the piranha tank. My hunch is that Dick broke in ahead of schedule and they were forced to improvise.
@Ukulele Ike: Well and fully exposited, but I read it for the tits.
* * *
Also well posited.
This fill-in artist for Manley can’t seem to draw lips but is still admirable in highlighting the relevant points of interest – in addition to drawing nice legs.
@Rube:
In The Great Comic Strip Switcheroo on April Fools’ Day 1997, 9 Chickweed Lane switched with Rose Is Rose. It worked, and was kinda sweet—but both strips were still fresh then.
@Rube: #72: To be fair to Mr. Blevins, Mike Manley seemed to reserve his best work for The Phantom while he coasted through Judge Parker, other than the tit shots.
MW:
“Just you and your cat live at home?”
“Yes.”
“There’s no Mrs. Jared?”
“Mrs? As in married? Nope.”
“No one cluttering up your apartment with her unnecessary presence, ha ha?”
“Nooooop. Juuuuuust … me… and a cat. My cat, and me. Alone in my apartment. Allllll alone.”
“Good enough. You don’t seem like the evasive type. Ever done it on a hospital bed?”
@Joe Blevins: DT: What kind of villain puts a “CAUTION: PIRANHAS” sticker on his fish tank full of piranhas?
A criminal who is more afraid of the state worker protection agency than the neo-Chicago MCU.
FC: “I’m out here, Mommy, practicing for after my gender affirmation surgery.”
@Scratchy Scrotum LXIX: #99: You’re right about the nice legs. If anybody has wondered what Captain Savarna would look like in Daisy Dukes just look at Reena in the first panel.
@Needless_Exposition: #62
So sorry to hear about your brother – wishing him a complete recovery. *hug*
RMMD: Snake has one consolation. He take smug pleasure in the sound of Streetsweeper getting ass-raped down the hall every night.
@Daisy: Thanks. I’m seeing him later today but so far he’s doing great despite being in a lot of pain.
REX MORGAN M.D.: So, I take it one of the charges against The Street Sweeper is going to be “Stalking Rex Morgan”, yes? (Like seriously, if I didn’t know better and this strip was ever capable of doing sonething interesting, I’d swear this was all some elaborate notice me, senpai scheme on Clayton’s part.)
@Needless_Exposition: My brother got injured pretty bad in a car accident last night
I hope the doctors fix him up and that his recovery will be complete after not too long a stay in the hospital bed.
@Scratchy Scrotum LXIX: This fill-in artist for Manley can’t seem to draw lips
Or maybe they are the best lips you could ever hope to experience.
“You betcha Mr Memory knows computers. Uses ‘em to plan things. Gantt charts, key deliverables, time budgets, available resources, the works. What a sicko. Everyone knows them things is for porn and nothin’ else.”
I guess I missed something, what’s going on with Manley?
FC-“Is this like when Daddy blasts you in the face with his hose?”
@Needless_Exposition: May his doctor be better than Rex Morgan or any of the Doctors Cory, his nurse be better than A3G‘s Tommie, and his recovery far faster than a Judge Parker storyline.
MW-“I got these bruises when my boyfriend beat me because my cat tried singing along with us.”
“Better watch out, Tracy, or you’ll get ‘bit!’ By those piranhas, who pack quite a ‘byte!’ Why is everyone looking at me? Those are world-class computer/piranha puns. Well, I’d like to see any of you do better!”
@Voshkod: Truly the type of well-wishing that a ‘Mudge could ask for.
@Anonymous: Beetle Bailey : …does it say something about it that my mind went “OMG SARGE’S NAKED MY EYES!!”, then “Why does Sarge have his rank tattooed on his arm!?” and only much later “Beetle still wears his hat when he’s naked to take a shower?”
Those are all interesting questions. Me, I was astonished that Sarge Sings Sondheim — sounds like a hit record, don’t it?
@Jimmy, Age 8: #110 @Needless_Exposition
“@Needless_Exposition: My brother got injured pretty bad in a car accident last night
“I hope the doctors fix him up and that his recovery will be complete after not too long a stay in the hospital bed.”
And hopefully no PAs named Jared Mylo will exhaust him with endless chatter about Star Wars and cats!
Zits: Lou Reed is supposed to have said, “One chord is fine. Two is pushing it. Three chords, you’re into jazz.” So, it’s the jazz guys that get all the chicks?
// It’s a “Brainyquotes” quote, so by def. unreliable.
@121 Ramblin’ Nehemiah Scudder:
It’s us jazz bass players who get the chicks. They’re better quality chicks than those rock guys get.
Pluggers: Translation: “Pluggers are fat.” Just like “Love is …” can never run out of material, neither can Pluggers.
// We can only hope the two panels don’t merge.
@Rita Lake: They’re definitely the same age. They had an arranged date to a school dance in 2008. Summer received her college basketball scholarship in summer 2012, and Cory enlisted in the Army later that year. Which would make them about 28 now.
Rhymes With Orange:
She’s just being obtuse.
@richardf8:
Did I write ”Star Trek”? Arrrggghhh! (Bangs head repeatedly against wall) I knew it would happen sooner or later! Of course I meant ”Star Wars”! My apologies to everybody.
@Jimmy, Age 8 @Daisy: The only cat my brother’s allowed to hear about is mine!
@Sequitur: I’m a Precision player, myself….
Dick Tracy: Mr. Memory was essentially the MacGuffin in “The 39 Steps.”
No, no, Josh! They ordered the piranhas on Amazon! The real one!
@Guillermo el chiclero:
Mm.
@123 Scudder along, nothing to see here:
Plugger love is… eating out of the trough together.
@Voshkod: Piranhas are always depicted in cartoons as these tiny little thumb-sized brutes. The mature piranha is actually pretty large, big as your hand, and very toothy.
// Mind those bits and bytes!
@Sequitur: // Is that link right? The funeral/blood pressure one?
@134 (nscud):
Yes. It’s like what I do with regular love is… cartoons. There’s an innocent cartoon that I turn into something weird.
The plungers are about to eat from the casket.
9CL: Meanwhile, the twins are now nineteen and partying hard. They have ditched their Edda names and call themselves Peyton and Lorde. They and a couple of friends are working on hacking into Seth’s bank account to try to grab enough money to move to L.A., so they can make a final escape from Gormless Dad and Vampire Mommy and also pay for serious therapy. They’re planning to write a joint memoir about what it was like to have to raise themselves, and their agent is suggesting a title something like “The Void And The Madness.”
Meanwhile, the twins write a blog called “Our Parents From Hell.” Edda and Amos, on the very rare occasions when they think about the twins at all, assume they’re just off napping somewhere.
DT: I can’t really tell what’s going on, which is par for the course with DT and GT, but that aquarium does not look at all adequate for that number of fish, and I now strongly suspect this dude has no business owning an owl, with or without a permit.
@136 Poteet:
But the movie will be called, Feral Twins.
@Sequitur: …yep, I was afraid of that.
@pastordan: Indeed, “turn-on” is a noun, derived from the verb phrase “turn on”. But what part of speech is ‘on’ there? Well, it isn’t really; “turn on” is a single verb which happens to be divided into two words (English does that sometimes!) and as such, ‘on’ can’t really be parsed separately from ‘turn’. But if you had to call it something, it would be a verb or adverb. But! “Turn on” as an idiom for erotic arousal is most likely derived as a metaphor for the operation of a light bulb or similar device via electrical switch; and in that context ‘on’ and ‘off’ serve to describe the state of the bulb, analogous to ‘lit’ and ‘unlit’, which makes ‘on’ an adjective. So, congratulations Brooke McEldowney. Not only is ‘on’ not a preposition in that particular instance, at no point in its etymology is it a preposition. You beefwit.
@Danielakiiki: Ill. No details for the masses that I am aware of, other than apparently not COVID.
@5 Anonymous: on Beetle Bailey: I’ve seen senior NCO’s tattoo their ranks on their arms. Navy chiefs seem to be more prone to this in my experience. They’re REALLY proud of their rank.
@142 Baja Gaijin:
And the beauty of it is when (or if) Sarge gets promoted to Master Sergeant he’ll just have to go back and get another stripe put on the bottom.
Of the insignia, not his ass.
@143 Sequitur: It’s the Twenty-First Century; Sarge can have both! Stripes on the insignia and on his ass, the latter to show Beetle who’s boss during their “special times.”
@Guillermo el chiclero: Uncle Lumpy once said something along the lines of “Judge Parker is a side hustle for both Ces and Manley, and, uh, it kinda shows.”
Guess What I Found Department
It’s time for Thursday afternoon Super Antics!
A partial transcript of Mr. Memory’s Google search history: “smallest possible gun” “fast food style garbage can amazon” “can you buy piranhas” “cheap piranhas” “aquarium sign printer” “report aquarium sign printer BBB” “should overhead lights emit sparks”
@Sequitur: It’s us jazz bass players who get the chicks. They’re better quality chicks than those rock guys get.
You guys are lucky. Theremin players get weird, creepy chicks…
// No one knows why.
@148 Ramblin’ Nehemiah Scudder:
I guess theremin players get the chicks who like to have their hair sticking straight up.
@Sequitur: we rockabilly bass players don’t do too bad either. Everyone loves a giant violin.
Dick Tracy Holistic Defective: Weirdist International Coffees ad ever…. “Sam,what was the name of that guy who tried to stick my head in the piranha tank?” Both:”Jean Luc!”
Celebrate the moments of your life…..
@Needless_Exposition:
May all his nurses and doctors look like Judge Parker women.
@150 brendancalling:
I bet your chicks look like Hee Haw Honeys.
DT: It must be opening day of the Neo-Chicago Livestock Show and Rodeo. Sam and Dick are wearing cowboy boots in the first panel.
@Rube: #145: That would make sense. The Phantom is popular worldwide while Judge Parker is probably carried only in the US.
Six Chex: “Parkay!”
FW: “Why do things I don’t use even exist?” -literally every Funky Winkerbean character over forty, which is to say, the ones whose opinions matter.
MW: Oh, ugh, is Moy really giving us a story where a victim of domestic abuse is all “you’re single, right?” The fact Jared either misses the subtext or just decides to give a factually correct but misleading-in-horrible-horrible-context answer is just the icing on the crap.
Phantom: Right, so it hasn’t occurred to Sarvanna that shooting a guy in front of Kit and then leaving him to deal with the fallout — which includes a full-scale invasion — might have had any long term consequences. Okay, then.
Mr Memory is just prepping his alibi for the trail “But Judge I had the tank clearly marked CAUTION: PIRAHANA, but Mr Tracy came barging in saying,”Hey Sam, watch me stick my nose in this tank!” The man is clearly insane!”
@133 Scudder, Marktrailistically: Hand sized? Were the fish sized from Ted Forth’s dainty hands, they may be nickel-sized.
@146 Sequitur: Another good one!
@Needless_Exposition: 9CWL wasn’t a bad strip for really quite a few years. No Far Side or Calvin and Hobbes, but funny enough, and interesting enough. Even once Edda grew up, it wasn’t *always* about her being adored:
https://www.gocomics.com/9chickweedlane/2005/06/12
DT: Well, things could have been worse. Of all the species of piranha out there, probably the least menacing is the caution piranha.
@Scudder along, nothing to see here: Plugger love is… when your respective radii of curvature make it a real challenge to get close enough to hug each other, unless you have arms like gorillas. Which you might, if you’re gorilla Pluggers.
@Scratchy Scrotum LXIX: The BASTARD!
@Sequitur: The best part is the pew pew.
@Sequitur: HAR! Best not to speculate on who will play the leads.
BB: Walker/Browne Amalgamated Funnies Present Sergeant Snorkle’s Sergeant Stripes Tattoo and Other Revelations You’ll Wish Had Never Been Revealed!
FC: Imagine the blind panic Thel would have run out in if she’d heard Billy saying the same thing.
FW: The hashtag is forgettable and easy to misspell. So far, so par for the course.
GT: Gregg’s dad created a cartoon hamster named “Mason Hamstetter.” He was sued by Disney, who owned the copyright on all rodent characters who wear shorts. The family has been in hiding ever since.
RMMD: Oh man, I hope for this guy’s sake the prison has a special wing for wimpy vigilantes.
@Ukulele Ike:
The only reason to read it, but a good one!
@agony: Agreed, that is definitely funny.
I can’t help wondering how/why that might have happened, however. And while maybe those insects are giant blackflies or skeeters, the thought occurs that just possibly Edda was standing right on top of a yellow-jacket nest and didn’t have the sense to walk briskly away when they started coming up out of the ground to tell her to move along. Or just maybe, off-panel, there was a bald-faced hornet nest on a tree or bush and she stood close to it. Sorry, Edda, I’m not willing to assume that the flying invertebrates were just being mean to you. But at least Brooke let you wear flats.
@Ukulele Ike: You obviously pay a price for that, but I agree they are spectacular.
@Hibbleton: depends on your particular kink, I guess.
@Scratchy Scrotum LXIX: This fill-in artist for Manley can’t seem to draw lips but is still admirable in highlighting the relevant points of interest – in addition to drawing nice legs.
The art is enjoyable on any given day. But if you review a sequence of days, there starts to be a Hanna-Barbera quality to the reuse of the drawings. I count at least twice in the past week where minor modifications of hands or props were used on a otherwise identical scene. It may be difficult for the substitute artist to imitate the style correctly, thus taking more time than is available, requiring shortcuts of one type or another simply to meet deadlines.
@Ukulele Ike: Well and fully exposited, but I read it for the tits.
Gorblimey, mate, I like oven mitts too, innit.
@Oversized Garden Ornament: The only reason to read it, but a good one!
If one indeed even knows how to read!
Dark memory time: Back in the 1950s as a kid about the age of Dennis the Menace (and, for that matter, a kid who was also named Dennis) I once walked up behind my father while he was hammering barbed wire onto a fence post and got caught on the forehead with his backswing. He picked me up and ran into the house, worried that he’d killed me. (As best I can remember, he actually had not done so.) When I came back to my senses my first words were “What did you do that for, Dad?”
Aside for pointless trauma memory, my point is that if Hank Ketchum had backswung his hammer a bit too enthusiastically and whapped his Dennis on the head, I think we’d all know what he did it for.
@Artist formerly known as Ben:
GT: Gregg’s dad created a cartoon hamster named “Mason Hamstetter.” He was sued by Disney, who owned the copyright on all rodent characters who wear shorts. The family has been in hiding ever since.
Ha haaaa! Yeah, the last people you ever want to screw with are the mob, the IRS, PETA, and Disney!
@173 Shrug: Did you get a doctor to verify you’re not actually dead? I’m not sure I trust your memory…
So I finally got to see my brother earlier in the day and his injuries were quite severe (his face is pretty much broken from the nose down, lots of stitches along his lip and chin, lots of broken teeth and ribs, tube to drain the blood out of his left lung, etc.). The weird thing is that despite being half disoriented and mumbling as well as needing to find a proper room (he has to stay at least through the weekend), he still looked like he was more well maintained than Jess here whose face is still horribly swollen without any sort of proper treatment for that eye. If my brother was as neglected as Jess is, I would be raising so much hell.
@Poteet: And it functions like a comic strip – gently poking fun at the character and by extension human foibles. Perfectly acceptable strip, and he still got to draw legs.
It’s been at least ten years, I think, since he’s allowed Edda to be this normal.
Dennis – Henry drops the hammer on his foot and screams in agony. “Hey Dad, now you got hammertoes! Nyuk, nyuk!”
Follow Sarge Snorkel on Onlyfans. I’ve created a meme template for sickos. Not that you guys would know any. https://twitter.com/A_Swino/status/1537613531134275584/photo/1
@Anomynous:
You don’t need to be able to read to enjoy that aspect of JP.
@176 Needless_Exposition: Remind Bro when he feels down about being in the hospital, he doesn’t have a carrot muffin-scented biddy lurking around or a drippy PA monopolizing his time droning on about Star Trek trivia.
@Baja Gaijin: Moy is the type who would think that Star Trek and Star Wars are the same continuity because they both have “Star” in the name. Pretty sure she confused Captain Solo and Mister Sulu in regards to naming Jared’s cat.
@Ramblin’ Nehemiah Scudder: The worst part is they want to make out without touching you.
@A Swino: Follow Sarge Snorkel on Onlyfans. I’ve created a meme template for sickos. Not that you guys would know any.
Sicker, please.
@Anomynous: If one indeed even knows how to read!
They should publish a braille version for the vision impaired. A little raised bump here and maybe there, could aid their understanding greatly.
@agony: and he still got to draw legs
Legs with blobby feet. Disappointing.
@182 Needless_Exposition: I’ve made my feelings known on this board about Star Wars/Trek. Were I to write something for publication using any of their characters, I’d research the specifics.
@Needless_Exposition:
So far she’s managed to keep Trek and SW apart, unless you’re right about Mister Solo. Thst’s more than can be said about me (I’m still embarrassee s about my mistake today. In my defense, I wrote that at 5 a.m.)
MW: We think it bodes well for Jess and Jared that they share this love of Battlestar Galactica.
@Oversized Garden Ornament: My guess is that Mister Solo and Miz Leia are a combination of Star Wars references and the overplayed stereotype of giving pets titles.
@Peanut Gallery: Even more menacing – not just hammer toes…stinky hammer toes. Hammertosis!
@Needless_Exposition:
MW: ”My guess is that Mister Solo and Miz Leia are a combination of Star Wars references and the overplayed stereotype of giving pets titles.”
That’s my guess, too. Of course, the real titles Captain and Princess would be too much. It might give the cats ideas.
@Baja Gaijin: A hand is an official unit of measurement — 4 inches, about 10 cm, but the adult piranha I’ve seen are a bit bigger than that. Kind of trapezoidal in shape.
// Piranha! Good eating, and good at eating! Fry a mess today! (Message brought to you by Federated Lard: “A Tub for the rest of us.”
I just wanted to say the collective snark on 9CL was delicious today, and thanks for the laughs. I can’t draw well enough to start my own satirical comic strip in response, but I like to think I can write marginally better romance, humor, and fetish stories in the vein of what the strip used to be (or perhaps, tried to be). Hell, mine even takes place in WWII. However, normal twin babies are born instead of eldritch horrors, and the adults aren’t a hideous mockery of themselves. Clearly I went about this the wrong way. (shameless self-promotion, what shameless self-promotion? Don’t worry, it’s free). ;)
@Peter Lorre’s 21st Century:
Sorry, too many t&C’s.
Dennis’ wordplay is worthy of Funky Winkerbean, but would need a tweak. How about “You should use some of your cancernails.”
@Needless_Exposition: I’m sorry to hear about your brother.
@Pervy McKinkerson:
Sarge “My milkshake….”
Beetle “He’s got just one tooth left.”
Killer “One too many.”
S – Cookie said he’d be sending over two guys with spit roast. I can’t wait!
B – We’re here
K – The things I’ll do to avoid peeling potatoes
“I suppose he could’ve just used his hypnosis powers to convince a bank employee to do the bank account draining for him.”
Hypnosis part aside, that is basically how a lot of “hacking” is actually done: trick people into just giving you sensitive information by pretending to be someone who can be trusted with it. And I don’t just mean phishing—which applies to end-users who only have their own info to give—sometimes entire networks can be compromised by doing it to an IT staffer. I think that’s how at least one of the major company data leaks in recent years was pulled off. So that might indeed be the direction they’re planning on going with this, and points to the writer if it is.