Friday is for naked butts (NOT A METAPHOR) (TRIGGER WARNING: NAKED BUTTS)
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Funky Winkerbean, 6/17/22
Hi, guys. Happy Friday. It’s been a tough week and I hope you’re all looking forward to the weekend. To celebrate, here’s Funky Winkerbean’s ass! I know, you all probably assumed that if anyone was going to show an ass in this strip, it would be insufferable “protagonist” Les Moore. But I guess he shows his ass every time he discusses his literary career built on the remains of his dead wife, ha ha! Seriously, though, it’s nice for the strip’s oft-neglected title character to get his time to shine, isn’t it? And damn, that ass is round. Like, too round. I’m no assologist, but I’m not exactly sure with the left cheek there — like is it extending that far beyond his torso or what. Is this what a “Brazilian butt lift” is? Has Funky had a BBL? I hope this strip spends the next month on this and nothing else.
Gil Thorp, 6/17/22
In non-ass news, the revelation that Gregg’s dad isn’t on the run from the mob but actually just did some plagiarism a few years back and is real embarrassed about it now is like the opposite of a character in a long-running family comic strip showing their ass in a strip, in the sense that it isn’t a horrifying nightmare mistake, but also not very interesting and will be pretty quickly forgotten entirely, unlike Funky’s ass, which we’ll be thinking about for some time.
Rex Morgan, M.D., 6/17/22
“Which is ironic, because he was a janitor! I guess none of us like to take our work home with us. Anyway, that guy’s going to prison for a long time for his various crimes.”
198 replies to “Friday is for naked butts (NOT A METAPHOR) (TRIGGER WARNING: NAKED BUTTS)”
Josh: One doesn’t need the customer research department of Procter and Gamble to know NOT TO PUT NAKED GEEZER BUTTS on your product, especially when said product has nothing to do with geezer butts or butts in general.
FW: I guess in the Funkyverse it’s perfectly acceptable for you to just barge right in to the bathroom, no need to knock or say “Is anyone in there?” Typically, when I see a bathroom door that’s closed, I assume that someone is using it, but then I don’t live in a universe where everyone hates everyone else and only comic books are considered valuable.
(Kaz turns directly to the camera) This is unfair. Nobody should ever lose their job for something as inconsequential as plagiarism. (In the background, Gil tells the kids that if they have sharp eyes and good hearts, they can’t fail.)
So. After yesterday’s Beetle Bailey, I can only conclude that it’s naked butt week at Comics Kingdom. I was going to complain that their site hasn’t updated yet, but now I see what broke it.
@BeckoningChasm: Yeah, Batiuk couldn’t even be bothered to come up with a plausible scenario for this ancient and cheap gag. And it’s not just that there was no reason for Rocky to be strolling into a bathroom that’s obviously in use — it was never even established why she had to be staying in Funky’s house in the first place, since all the evidence indicates that she and Corey live close to Funky. Just really lazy stuff.
Anyway, it’s just silly. If Funky had walked in on Rocky we’d be in 9 Chickweed Lane territory.
In a media landscape awash in Ass News, it’s remarkable that the few available crumbs of non-Ass News can be found in Gil Thorp, a strip that explicitly contains Marty Moon!
I see today that Comics Kingdom is up to their usual standards.
MW: Mary, lurking by The Deep Well of Despair: “Curses, foiled again!”
FW: Everyone died screaming. The End.
SF: Another summer with young Lady Funsucker.
RMMD: The detective hopes The Sweeper will get the max sentence for being a disgusting slob.
@BeckoningChasm: FW – Not only is the bathroom door closed, but it would be hard to miss the sound of the shower running from behind the door.
No, this was intentional. She wanted a glimpse of the old funky felt-tip! And she glimpsed, and he was feeling it!
MW: She’s One-Eyed Libby the Cat in human form, right? That’s why she’s so concerned about his relationship with cats.
RMMD: “This place is a mess. On the other hand, free pizza — BONUS!”
MW: “Jared’s been helping me AVOID falling into a deep well of despair!” Oh, really? What do you want to bet the SISTER can’t take Jess in after all? When this happens, it’s likely Mary finds out and offers Jess temporary digs in an empty condo at Charterstone, and then Jess helps her move in and thereby PUSHES her into the aforementioned ‘deep well’ because not only will she then be cheek-by-jowl with the other residents of Charterstone (that circumstance has led to suicide before), but she will have to contend with Jared’s tart of a GIRLFRIEND.
Lassie’s never around when you need her.
FW: Funky flashes a leering smile at Rocky and says, “I owe you one.”
CS: Crankshaft turns up his assholiness to 11 and says, “It’s your fence. Why should I have to fix it?”
FW: It wasn’t very nice of Rocky to just butt into the bathroom like that.
9CL: The joke is that the ducklings(?) were submerged with Edda, right? Since they weren’t in the first panel, but then they were in the second panel? I’m going to run out into the street and gibber. BRB.
Luann: The first panel led me to believe Les had turned into a zombie. Imagine my disappointment.
RMMD: “Hell, Doc, he didn’t even know how to make his apartment a better place.”
JP: “Sophie, let me talk to Reena. She’s the only person here who hasn’t betrayed me.”
GT: “I’ll alert the newspaper and see if they can further ruin his life and drive him out of town. If he’s not good enough for New York, by God, he’s certainly not good enough for Milford.”
FW: In a way, it’s comforting to know that Tom Batiuk no longer draws Funky Winkerbean himself. It would be too sad to think of him having to draw his once-
belovedbeliked title character this way.GT: Damn, Gil looks mad about this, like he’s ready to track down Mason Hamsetter personally and give him a well-deserved beating. “Where I come from, we have a thing called journalistic integrity, mister!”
RMMD: Poor Rex! He desperately wants to end this call, so he does his best at summing up this whole kerfuffle. But instead of wrapping up the conversation, the cop gives Rex more unwanted info about the Street Sweeper! “Will this night never end?” thinks Rex.
“Oh by the way, Jared, your patient in 308 died about a half hour ago. We found her with her finger pressed on the call button, but I guess you had your pager turned off. I’ve spoken to you about this before.”
FW: We are supposed to forget those exterior shots of Funky and Holly’s house that show they live in a mini-mansion, and instead think they are all sharing a hall bathroom, fifties style. Cory and Rocky would in fact have their own suite.
Sad to see Gil Thorp picked up the “Oh noes muh secret identity!” theme from newspaper Spider-Man.
@Arabella: And there was the whole storyline about the reno. Any woman in the world has at least one extra bathroom put in.
Me Monday through Thursday: This January 6 Commission is really something, how could it get more shocking than this
Me Today: …
FW – Up at the crack of dawn…unfortunately, today it’s a Plugger butt crank. Yuck….
GT – So…a million little pieces…of GT comics crap….
RMMD – Not to mention he left his overdue library copy of Being and Nothingness….
Adios Amigos, DJ.
@pastordan: Possibly the most shocking thing about it? No strained wordplay!
FW: Hey, remember that classic episode of Friends where Chandler accidently sees Rachel naked, and then she tries to even the score by seeing him naked, except she peeps on the wrong person, and it sets off a chain reaction of tit-for-tat nudie-peeping? Well imagine that, but it’s old, wrinkly, depressed people instead! I mean, you’ll have to imagine it, because it definitely isn’t happening here, but now that I’ve planted the seed in your mind you’ll likely be imagining it anyhow :)
GT: Was it just me assuming that ‘hot guy in magazines’ meant ‘male model’? I love the idea of a Fabio-type guy falling from grace for plagarizing his turn-ons in Beefcake Monthly.
RMMD: So i guess the moral of this story is: if you want to make the world a better place, start by cleaning up your room. Turns out mom was right…
FW: I was thinking of cooking a nice pork butt for dinner, but now I don’t think so. I’m going meatless for a while…a good long while.
Gil Thorp: “Gregg’s mother wants us to google her husband?” Kaz asks softly, on Gil’s shoulder. Gil does not take the hint. “H-A-M-S-T-E-T-T-ER, that’s almost like ‘hamster’…”
Dang, when I saw the title of today’s entry, I figured Josh would be going over Love Is or Marvin or something. Never have I been so disappointed to not see Marvin.
“Damn it, Kaz, stop typing ‘Hamster’! Oh, for Pete’s sake you did it again! Look, I’ll spell the damn thing for you. H-A-M-S-T— oh god DAMN IT!”
Rex: Please don’t take out his trash. It would just be cruel. It would be like releasing Batman’s bats out into the wild. That mangled book won’t ever make it on the outside.
GT — “Plagiarism, inventing sources, faking quotes. . . but he never took a plastic knife to work. See if we can’t get this guy a job at the Milford Star. . .
FW: Shaken to her core, Rocky slumps to the floor in a catatonic state. Despite years of intensive therapy, she never recovers.
I’m sorry, WHO approaches a CLOSED BATHROOM DOOR behind which is the sound of WATER RUNNING, and turns the knob and goes in? WHO? Nobody would do that! I don’t know who either of those characters are, but the guy’s a bare-ass and the lady’s a dumbass and I’m hating on both of them.
This unholy juxtaposition tells me one thing– that the gods of the comics multiverse have decreed that the Street Sweeper’s cosmic punishment is to wipe the asses of Funky Winkerbean characters for all eternity. It’s a Greek tragedy for our times.
Funky Winkerbean breaks the internet! (In the sense that his butt is so terrible that humanity decides to shut down every web server to protect ourselves from it)
GT: Faking quotes? My God, Gregg’s father wrote for “Mary Worth”!
GT: A confused Kaz asks; “Wait. Does this mean Gregg isn’t real?”
MW: Why is the shower curtain open? Funky is going to flood the bathroom floor!
Rex Morgan: Is this the end for our ineffectual and somewhat whiny hero? Surely not! This character demands a spinoff. Tune in every week for further thrilling adventures as the Streetsweeper fights crime (badly) while his sidekick, Rex, offers encouragement and advice over the phone, bails him out from the local jail, and prescribes opiates for his ever-worsening injuries.
GT: “The whole fall from grace thing. New York is merciless! I did much worse things out of laziness or poor ethics but nobody cares in Milford!”
@Charterstoned: Make that “Jared helps her move in.” Sheesh.
9 CHICKWEED LANE: If, tomorrow, we see that duck poop on Edda’s head, it will immediately become my all-time favorite character in this strip. (I know, low bar.)
RMMD: “He was really confused! And he’s also very messy, the whole package of disaster!” Few are brave enough to talk of the taunting side of police brutality
Funky: Thank you for exceeding my quota of naked old man ass for the week.
RMMD: Snake in handcuffs yells up from the street; “You try making a ‘clean’ getaway from that pigsty!”
Non Sequitir: RIP Stephan Pastis
RMMD: Ok, we know what Gregg’s father wanted to hide… but why didn’t he want to be photographed? As Gil shows, it is searching his name that revealed his crimes, you cannot reverse image search any random picture to identify someone. Clearly he should have plagiarised more books about internet privacy
Earlier this week I made a bit of snark that alluded to the opening scene of Psycho. Now I wish I hadn’t.
After a quick and sloppy reading of today’s Gil Thorp, I was under the impression that Gregg’s dad used to be on the cover of Hot Guy Magazine, and was now trying to move on from that. All respect to Neal Rubin, but I think I like my plot twist better.
Gil Thorp: “Do you think I could be a hot guy in magazines? I’ve been growing my sideburns…”
The grandkids politely listen as Mr. Plugger cosplays scenes from Steve Martin’s The Jerk.
“What’s a phonebook?”
“Just shut and smile and he’ll give you a dollar.”
love is… when he’s always showing you his naked butt.
@pugfuggly: Glad I wasn’t the only one on the Hott Hamm beat today.
FW: don’t the Winkerbeans own a modern house? Why wouldn’t he be showering inn the end suite shower?
Mary Worth is the first comic on my Comics Kingdom page, and I didn’t realize it hadn’t been updated for Friday until the next strip. “Jared is still having a boring, repetitive conversation with a captive audience about how he talks to his cat,” I thought. “Yes, this scans, both for Jared as a character and Mary Worth as a comics institution.”
@Vice President John Adams: Can you use it in a sentence….
@Dennis Jimenez:
They should invite the poor guy to Gil’s office where they can discuss it over three cups of tea.
Great! Comics Kingdom is down again and the pickings of comics Josh gives us is rather poor.
Operation M.A.N.A.S.S
Now that the potential for anything dramatic to happen has passed, I’m interested in seeing how this becomes a financial windfall for Rex. Maybe the street sweeper’s trial gets wildly publicized, and so Rex makes millions on the talk show and book circuits talking about how he once treated this guy for a rotator cuff injury and then told him over the phone that no known lobotomy cures crime. Or maybe it’ll be simpler, and the police will just drive a dump truck full of asset forfeiture cash up to Rex’s front door
RMMD – “Wanted to make the world better but had no idea how to do so” is the Hippocratic Oath to Rex.
@Drew Funk: how long would it take to notice Mary Worth hadn’t been updated?
Pluggers-Agnew, Steve. Sounds like a typical bastard.
@Liam: I was able to get in through the Washington Post site.
FW: So round, so firm, so fully packed
Tom Batiuk’s been reading some 9 Chickweed Lane and he’s feeling a little horndoggish now.
RMMD: There’s one OTHER thing he doesn’t know how to do–CLEAN UP his apartment. This place is a MESS! At least he left some pizza. I never had a chance to get breakfast.
@Liam: “Poor?” How could you find fault with Funky Winkerbean’s naked ass? If it wasn’t for Josh, we wouldn’t have gotten to see it.
Funky Winkerbean? More like Dummy Thiccerbean.
Pluggers-Sorry but more people are going to see your name on your wife’s ass than are going to see it in the phone book.
Poor girl. She’s just saw his funky, his winker, and the beans.
FW…I can’t help but think to include the old scratch n sniff feature.
FW: I’ve never read this strip before, and nothing I’ve seen today convinces me that I should start now.
FW: This should certainly make things less awkward with your father-in-law…good thing you don’t have to be escorted by him down the aisle. Oh, boy, did I just doom Rocky to having Funky escort her down the aisle because her dad ends up getting indisposed? Maybe we’ll get a wedding and a funeral after all…
MW: Much as I appreciate Moy giving a domestic violence victim a female doctor instead of defaulting on one of the male Doctors Corey, I call bullshit on Doctor Johnson’s diagnosis. This woman clearly has an orbital socket fracture that you’re not treating. I hope Jess calls a lawyer if she goes blind in that eye.
RMMD: Ah, a case of The Cobbler’s Children Have No Shoes. Or in this case, the janitor’s home is a dump…on second thought, it might be that Dolemite is just a neat freak who doesn’t like pizza boxes in the corner. I’ve seen worse frat houses.
@Voshkod: Touché!
I emailed Comics Kingdom about the update problem and they replied. Here’s what they said.
PornHub features several ‘videos’ that start out more or less exactly the same as today ‘Funky Winkerbean’, or so I’ve been told.
@Ettorre: He already did. Didn’t get to the terlet fast enough.
@Voshkod: Frank and beans! Frank and beans!
MW – Starting to wonder if Jess’s endless yabbering on about her sister is leading to anything. Like her sister being trAshlee. Or ESME!
Nah, there I go again hoping Moy would do something interesting.
MW – If this doesn’t end with Jerod, Dawn, Jess, and Jess’ sister in a foursome. I will be disappointed. I won’t be surprised, but I’ll be disappointed nonetheless.
It seems like Doc Johnson also lost her battle with a thresher since she’s sporting a clone of Dawn’s hairstyle. What is it with Brigman giving such plain to hideous hairstyles to women excluding Estelle? Perhaps the stylist considers Mary a menace but she brings in customers so she vows to make Mary, Dawn, and anyone else who comes in look absolutely awful but gaslights them into thinking they’re gorgeous so they keep coming in. I want to know her story now…
1 and Done: Concerning today’s Funky Winkerbean,..
@Sequitur: re CK: Well, isn’t that sweet? Next you’ll be telling me they’re giving double-your-money-back refunds.
@Drew Funk: “Hott Hamm beat”
For those too old for Tiger Beat…
FW: It’s that self-satisfied smile on her face that is killing all of us as she prepares to do something that no normal human would do and throw open the closed bathroom door.
“Which is ironic, because he was a janitor! I guess none of us like to take our work home with us.”
My dad’s paternal grandmother worked as a housecleaner. She loved her work. But she never kept her own house clean. She only loved cleaning other people’s houses.
FW: “Oy! Milton Berle should be so lucky. Hey Maury! Come look at this.” (Best if read with a Yiddish accent)
FW: So the Winkerbeans’ house was built with a single bathroom in the 1950s and has not been updated once since then. Yep, that tracks.
GT: So, no mob ties? I was hoping there would be mob ties.
RMMD: No, you see, this just shows what a great janitor he is! It’s like the riddle about the barber with the messy haircut.
@Needless_Exposition:
Meanwhile in Heart of the City, Heart “sprained” her ankle several strips ago but apparently can’t put weight on it at all, which seems to me like she’s actually broken something and should be headed to the ER. Isn’t there a competent doctor in the comics somewhere we can sic on her and Jess?
Pluggers – Where did he get a phone book? Apparently he doesn’t have his phone bundled with his cable and internet.
FW – As several commenters pointed out, when a bathroom door is closed and you can hear the shower running, you kind of know that you shouldn’t barge in.
Has Batiuk never stayed overnight in someone else’s home?
9CL – At least we know that Brooke is interested only in flashing legs and not a character’s bare ass.
JP – Forget the manufactured drama with Abbey. Sophie’s face is melting.
“Funky Winkerbean Productions would like to apologize for today’s strip, which ran by mistake. This does give up the opportunity, however, to announce our new, adults-only, online-only version, Pib-Funky Winkerbean-gorn, made in association with the fine folks who bring you 9 Chickweed Lane. This is in fact the first strip in that new series, and yes, Funky and Rocky are going there! Eventually, with lots of vacuous talking first, of course! And yes, we’re bringing back Lisa in a whole new way! Stay tuned!” FW Comics Management
@84 Myrtle:
Sounds like a great idea.
How come GoComics never has any of these issues
FW-Now begins Funky’s wacky hijinks to see her naked.
FW: Tomorrow we learn that Funky was “trying out” the guest bathroom shower to make sure it was working, and unfortunately “forgot” to lock the door. Yeah, that must be it.
@93 Sequitur: GoComics doesn’t have these problems because it also has no spinning crown.
Well, until Comics Kingdom gets its act together…
DT: “Try to keep the brain damage to a minimum this time.”
Luann: What’s the signal for “run them both over”?
Pluggers: You’re a Plugger if you care about phone books period.
Bliss: A surprise in the woods.
GT: Kaz; “Plagiarism, doesn’t that come from rats? No wonder he’s embarrassed.”
@Sequitur: They spelled “outrage” wrong in that last line.
Some of us take th’ funny pages seriously.
DJ – RMMD – Not to mention he left his overdue library copy of Being and Nothingness….
***
Sadly, Lt. Bookman died this week. Streetsweeper was probably also the one who drew pee pees and wee wees on the Cat in the Hat and the Five Chinese Brothers.
@Baja Gaijin: You may be on to something. I don’t remember too many problems with CK before they added the spinning crown.
GT: So Mr. Hamm is a writer who just makes things up and then passes them off as facts? No wonder he’s in such hot demand as a ghostwriter for CEOs’ autobiographies!
Liam
June 17th, 2022 at 6:13 am Reply
Pluggers-Agnew, Steve. Sounds like a typical bastard.
***
Of course, this was really from Spiro Agnew, but Pluggers had to change it to someone that isn’t an anagram for GROW A PENIS.
Lio: Hey y’all! Ya wanna chaw on a big blow?
taig: Earlier this week I made a bit of snark that alluded to the opening scene of Psycho. Now I wish I hadn’t.
***
Yes, this Funky comic would be enhanced by the screechy music from Psycho. However, it’s still disturbing enough.
@Ettorre: When Cory first introduced Rocky to his parents, Funky immediately started hitting on her. I think the “let me sweep open this shower curtain and show off my glistening manhood to whoever is opening the door” may not be accidental.
Ask not for whom the crown spins.
(Spoiler alert: it spins for THEE!)
Funky Winkerbean: The syndicate has decided since children no longer read the newspaper comics they can test the waters toward HBO style “prestige” content, which they assume means nudity.
Gil Thorp: The original plot was that Mason Hamstetter was stealing content to put on his memes Instagram page, but the creators realized that 1.) No one has ever lifted Gil Thorp’s content without attribution, 2.) Explaining what Instagram and meme influencers are would cut into their riveting two-week long coverage of a single inning of high school baseball.
Rex Morgan, MD – On the subject of plagiarizing comics, while I don’t condone intellectual property theft, Mary Worth should do its own version of the Street Sweeper story. Mary’s meddling would actually do some good, plus Dawn is going to be in the market for a new boyfriend.
@Charterstoned: The Comics Kingdom’s IT team is at it again! It’s only showing Thursday’s strip, and that’s when it’s not telling me I need a premium membership to read Thursday’s strip.
It’s hilarious that they think people are going to pay for a website that doesn’t work half the time.
Now that I’m safely out of contention for COTW, I feel like I can observe that Funky Winkerbean seems to be the butt of a lot of jokes this morning. (I should really stop making cracks like this.)
@Baja Gaijin:
So…..what you’re saying is Funky should NOT use his butt as Montoni’s new mascot,Baja?
Arcamax has today’s “humor” comics that Comics Kingdom doesn’t have.
Blondie-Dagwood can’t handle anymore of Lou’s meat.
FW: This lady deserves what happened to her. Nobody should be this smug about going to the bathroom.
GT: So the answer to the season-spanning mystery is revealed – Daddy Hamm was an unethical journalist. Okay. And? We’re already in the second half of June so this story is nearly over, and since I’m pretty sure this was Gregg’s senior year, he and his family will be disappearing forever outside of maybe a future cameo. And now this clunkily-written strip makes even less sense. Was Daddy Hamm still somehow trying to make it as a bestselling nonfiction writer despite having been disgraced and discredited? We’ll probably never know. I don’t think Charis’s tennis is coming up again, either.
DT: Wiki entries on comic book characters often list their special traits, and one of the most common villain traits is “genius intellect.” Everybody loves a criminal mastermind, after all. The problem is that characters can only be as smart as the person writing them, and since the hero has to be able to outwit the villain, this usually means that the “genius” villain can invent just about any kind of gadget but is otherwise phenomenally stupid in their planning, decision-making, and general awareness. So if you were wondering why Mr. Memory’s
microwave ovenamazing brain-linked computer has an obvious dial that does nothing but give him an incapacitating migraine that he cannot override or manage, and why he would have this in reach of his captives despite the entire benefit of his unique technology being that it allows him to use his computer remotely, well, the answer is that he has a “genius intellect.”Josh, that line isn’t the outside of Funky’s ass, it’s the overhang of his belly. (You’re welcome.)
FW: Wait, does Funky’s butt crack extend slightly beyond the window of the panel? [zooms in] Yes it does. It is escaping the Funkyverse and entering ours.
In case you didn’t know it, you can get most of your comics here.
@miranda2060:
MW: She’s One-Eyed Libby the Cat in human form, right? That’s why she’s so concerned about his relationship with cats.
_____________
The Safe Havens/Mary Worth crossover you never knew you wanted.
@Sequitur: The Post doesn’t allow comments. Most of those strips are worthless if one can’t read the comments.
Friday’s comics are up on Comics Kingdom.
However, the vintage comics are still stuck on Thursday.
@Dennis Jimenez: #23
“RMMD – Not to mention he left his overdue library copy of Being and Nothingness….”
As well as his well-worn – no – barely-thumbed through – copy of Marie Kondo’s “The Life-changing Magic of Tidying Up”…I guess very little in his apartment sparked joy…
@119 Her Father, John Darling:
I rarely, if ever, read the comments. I really don’t care about them.
Knowing Funky Winkerbean, the look of horror on her face isn’t due to Funky’s nudity, but because she’s discovered clear signs of testicular cancer. Les is already rubbing his hands together at the thought of tragically, profitably losing his best friend in Lisa’s Story II: Give Up The Funky.
Komics Kangdom wants my money for this level of service? SMH
Thanks to everyone who pointed out that CK got their act together (for now).
Dustin: Tired stereotypes about weed users in this comic? Never!
CS: Crankshaft goes to the shed to retrieve a flamethrower.
FC: Grandma’s needling. Full stop.
MW: “Can I borrow your phone, Jared? My boyfriend smashed my phone into twelve parsecs.”
Maybe Rocky had her ear butts in and was listening to the Butthole Surfers.
Blondie: Hey Lou! Take a tip from professional Army chef SFC “Cookie” Jowls.
// Real Army MREs have tiny little bottles of Tabasco brand hot sauce included. They are SO cute.
@Danielakiiki: Ces on Facebook was comparing CK’s business model to Krusty the Clown’s.
This reminds me of the classic MAD magazine article “When This Nudity Trend Finally Hits The Comics”. We have met the enemy and it is Funky.
Funky Winkerbean:
Ask not what Funky Winkerbean can do for you!
Ask what you can do to not see FunkyWinkerbean’s ass!
@Sequitur: #76
That “apology” was written by a bot, wasn’t it…everyone at Comics Kingdom Enterprises is on extended vacation. In fact, the entire site is administered by AI that thinks humans won’t notice that the site content hasn’t been updated for days and days.
Zippy: Nehemiah Scudder may have a job here.
@131 Daisy:
It was signed by a real name, for what it’s worth.
MW: “Falling into a deep well of despair” isn’t as funny as “even though the sea has probably claimed him” as far as overwrought Mary Worth quotes go, but it’s still pretty good.
GIL THORPE: I dunno, Gil. That seems less like a “fall from grace” thing and more a “typical YouTube Content Creator” thing. (Just saying that papa Hamm’s “skills” were wasted on the wrong format.)
@pastordan: If Donald J. Trump’s naked butt is up on the congressional Jumbotron next week,
1) I’m blaming you
2) You will be receiving an executive order to furnish the nation with Brain Bleach in accordance with the Defense Production Act.
@Sequitur: #120
Rats. The vintage comics are the ones I go to first.
@Daisy: Works for Judge Parker.
Has Old Man Mozz foretold what becomes of Rocky Rhodes now that she’s beheld Flunky without his striped pants?
@138 Voshkod:
Vintage Judge Parker? My VJP is still on Thursday.
@Sequitur: #133
Ah…but do you *know for sure* it was a “real name”???? It could have been FAKE!!! =:0
Welcome back to Comics Kingdom, where our motto is, “You don’t deserve comics!”
@Sequitur: Sorry, I meant the plotlines for JP can run without being updated day after day even when new strips are posted.
MW-And the Xenomorph looks like it’s ready to be born.
Beetle Bailey-Beetle can hardly taste the long pig that Cookie made.
FC-Grandma, poke Jeffy in the eye!
@Sequitur:
But the ARROWHEADS! Will the Saintly Old Man of the Woods blame Mark for his missing ARROWHEADS?!?
FW ‘Tis a fine line twixt fatass and ooh-la-lah, lad.
So here’s a poem for “Friday is for naked butts day”.
Callipygy is always hot,
Steatopygy is usually not,
Ample and firm, or soft and jiggly,
We all like asses jaunty and wriggly.
@Sequitur: Thanks pal! A gig at last!
// I play a mean atonal banjolele, too. Should I mention that to Zippy?
@147 Ramblin’ N. Scudder, Folksongerator:
Always. Zippy can run with anything.
Any women readers of Funky Winkerbean have instantly had their sex drives destroyed forever, even the lesbians.
@Sequitur: Except for scissors.
@145 Uncle Lumpy:
Oh, yeah. Mark has the arrowheads. IN HIS PANTS!
@150 taig:
Or scimitars.
@Scratchy Scrotum LXIX: OMG!! I almost missed reading this Pluggers. Which would have made me a real jerk. That’s one of my favorite lines ever, from one of my favorite movies.
It’s the cans. He hates these cans!
Also: Its not the money I’ll miss. It’s all the stuff!!!!
Phantom: The cold shoulder Stripeybutt gave Savarna left such a chill in the cave that it made her nipples hard.
FC: Don’t be so glad, Jeffy. You’ll have to wear that sweater whenever HTT Grandma comes over for a visit. You’ll even have to wear it as a grown-ass man when you visit her in the nursing home.
FW: If after all these years Curtis Wilkins hasn’t figured out that dressing room doors have locks it’s OK that Funky hasn’t figured out that bathroom doors have locks.
GT: Not to be confused with Maison Hamster, the upmarket version of Habitrail.
JP: The good news, Sophie, is that once you turn entirely blue you’ll be a background character, which means Abbey won’t be able to yell at you any more.
Pluggers: Huh … I clicked this on the Seatle Times Comics Kingdom and thought “Something’s wrong”. A one panel comic, sure, but starring a human(!) in a suit and tie(!!!) and credited to a “Bill and Eric”. After a bit of exploration, I discovered it was actually something called Bottom Liners, which I’m pretty sure I’d never even consciously noticed was on the CK list until now. Even weirder, the actual Bottom Liners link leads to the same strip, but in black and white, while the Pluggers version is in colour.
(I finally tracked down the actual Pluggers on GoComics. It wasn’t worth it.)
@Garrison Skunk: Oddly enough, that MAD Magazine article showed us General Halftrack’s naked butt instead of Miss Buxley’s.
DtM – Dennis is running away from home and channeling Steve Martin. “I don’t need anyone…or anything. Other than this football! And this airplane! And this giraffe! And this….”
FC – “Boy, old people sure do have a lot of time to piss away, don’t they, Mommy?”
JP- Of course they’re all scared and worried. Abbey’s the one with all the money.
Brother Exposition Update: Still pretty banged up (everything from the nose down is fractured or broken along with more broken ribs than a bar and grill) but they’re moving him to a room and he’ll likely be spending the weekend in the hospital. He hasn’t found any muffin-pushing old biddies or any overly eager PAs that are fans of Star Wars so that’s good.
@cheech wizard: Damn, The Jerk is getting a lot of love today! (Usually that is only said with regard to 9CL and in a completely different context…) Anyway, it’s making me hungry for some pizza in a cup!!
MW, 1st panel: “Yep – pupils are dilated – and fixed. Jared, will you stop babbling to the walls about cats and Star Wars? You need to get her out of here and get this room prepped for the next patient.”
Pluggers speak in hyphens, apparently.
@Scratchy Scrotum LXIX: An anagram of SEWAGE VENT isn’t much better.
@Garrison Skunk: Funky’s butt would be appropriate as CK’s new spinning crown, though.
Anyone else get the message “You have reached the max amount of free naked comics for the month”? How many times is one allowed to visit 9CL a month anyway?
@Sequitur:
In case you didn’t know it, you can get most of your comics here.
_______
Knock three times and say “Mort sent me” Dont mind the Garbage Ape guarding the door,he’ll rattle your cans garbage-wise but not Funky-wise. (All seriousness aside, thanks for the link tip, Sequitur, can I call you Non?)
@Ukulele Ike: #156: The part of that MAD article I most remember is Dick Tracy recognizing a disguised Pruneface by his wrinkled, pruny ass.
FW: Not to defend Batiuk but my wife uses the master bath while I use the guest bathroom. It saves a lot of time and keeps us from getting in each other’s way. However, that doesn’t excuse Funky from not locking the door or Rocky from not knocking before entering.
GT:
Kaz: Gil, what if this causes the Hamm’s to leave town in disgrace?
Gil: No skin off our asses. Baseball season is over and Greg has graduated. He’s no longer of any use to me anyways.
@taig:
Imagine the wacky adventures as the ducklings all imprint on her and follow her through all her Sexcapades® on and off ice.
@Guillermo el chiclero: Rocky? That person is named Rocky?
As I stare at today’s strip and try to decide whether to resume following the Crank, I shall apparently have to choose between curiosity and revulsion.
@Poteet: Wait wait wait, that’s FUNKY WINKERBEAN. An even more difficult choice between curiosity and revulsion.
9CL: It is unnerving to realize that I genuinely like today’s strip. Yes, the ducks don’t look like real ducks, and yes, it’s Edda down there in the water. But I like it. It’s cute. Awww.
I liked it so much that it was a full two minutes before I started hoping that all the ducks would poop at once.
I hate you for making me search for Brazilian butt lift. There were pictures! Pictures that make Funky look like a beauty ideal. Lumpy, cottage-cheesy butts. Like mine, but I don’t have to look at mine.
@Garrison Skunk: That’s OK by me. The ducks aren’t not repulsive, unlike the Overlook Twins.
@Vice President John Adams: I tutored ESL for a while, one on one. With one woman, we had spent some time the previous lesson talking about how the word “band” these days almost always means a musical group, that we don’t really talk about bands of thieves, or bandits, all that often. Modern usage would instead be gangs, and gangsters. So this week she is telling me about some criminal activity back in her home country, and using her new vocabulary, as she should.
Except that instead of “gangster” she was saying “hamster”.
Terrible teacher that I am, I didn’t correct her. Just enjoyed it instead.
9CL – Get that duck to a veterinarian, STAT! It has a toxic growth on its ass.
@I speak Jive: Oh no, it looks like it already metastasized!
FW: Maybe it’s the WASP in me talking, but it seems like the proper resolution to seeing her future father-in-law’s funky ol’ winkerbean would be for no one to ever talk about it ever. And of course for Rocky to empty a hip flask of something potent.
GT: Subtle as ever, Gil suggests to Gregg that he attend the AV club’s showing of Shattered Glass.
9CL: Dear Lord, are all those ducklings going to imprint on Edda? That’s all we need: eight waterfowl who act like the Overlook twins.
DT: Hacked him? Dick turned a dial a few notches up. The hacking community will not let this equivalence stand.
JP: Funny time to notice it, but it just hit me that some light source is making the Parker-Driver sisters look blue but it’s not affecting Reena. That or their Smurf heritage is finally starting to show.
SFx: So the characters in the second panel of those in the first?
@167 Garrison Skunk:
No, you’re thinking of my cousin, Pareil.
@Artist formerly known as Ben: Re SFx: “are clones of…”
@Poteet: #171: I believe it’s short for Roxanne.
@Garrison Skunk: So you think those ducks are going to turn out hypersexualized by having all that Edda forced on them? Sort of like fois gras, but without the corn?
“Luann”: Did Gunthy and Les move into Tiffany’s dad’s mansion too? I haven’t been following this closely. All I know is that people keep moving in and she keeps letting them. A bunch of rowdy college kids on vacation moving into a rich girl’s house while her parents are away sounds like a setup for a 1980s sex comedy movie called “College Summer House” or some shit, but since this is “Luann” there will be none of that, just things like card games and sock puppets.
“Rex Morgan”: Rex pouts to himself. “In the old days of this strip, I used to get gifts for vaguely helping other people, and now I don’t. How come this cop isn’t telling me he’s going to show his gratitude for my part in this hostage negotiable scenario by giving me a car or a beach house? I guess I’ll just have to cheer myself up by spending my creepy daughter’s KITTY COP money again.”
“Baby Blues”: Learn how to behave in public, Wanda, for God’s sake.
@Alison: On Luann: They aren’t moving in. They’re just moving stuff because for some reason Tiffany got talked into running a storage business at her house. Bets is the only one actually staying with her.
@Poteet: #171
With both of those strips, no matter what the initial motivation for looking at them – be it boredom, curiosity or necessity (because you lost a dumb bet to someone) – the inevitable outcome will be revulsion.
@Garrison Skunk: #170
The momma duck might also find herself trying to mate with Amos. He looks like a huge wingless duck.
@Needless_Exposition: #160
Appreciate the update! Sending thoughts for his continued recovery and continued good fortune evading the denizens of the Worthverse!
@155 Horace Broon: I finally tracked down the actual Pluggers on GoComics. It wasn’t worth it. Is it ever?
[Narrator: No, it’s never worth it.]
@165 Peanut Gallery: Funky’s butt would be appropriate as CK’s new spinning crown, though. Seconded.
@174 Beetle’s Eyes: Especially apt comment for the commenter name.
@189 Daisy: Seconded.
@Rube:
Oh shoot, I guess there goes all the wacky hijinks like having a rollerskating contest or racing in teams while holding eggs on spoons.
At least Tiff can make some money this way. This strip sends mixed messages about her financial life-half the time she’s the cliche spoiled little rich girl and the other half the time she’s struggling to support herself because her dad is a cheap bastard. I can’t keep track of what is it this week.
Family Circus: “Mom’s jutting me a boner.” (Not that we can see enough of Thel, but we know what’s off-panel.)
Dustin: Helen leans back and starts left-hand lathering herself to Carl’s sexy, sexy voice.
@Guillermo el chiclero: Thank you. If we see her next in a therapist’s office, that’ll be handy to know.
@N. Scudder, the Poetaster’s Poetaster:
Callipygy is always hot,
Steatopygy is usually not
I can not lie and you other brothers can’t deny you get sprung. IOW chacun à son goût.
@Pervy McKinkerson: Well, sure. Agreed. I could add another verse, I guess. Now, what rhymes with “sprung”…
@Alison: Something may happen. Maybe the mansion will burn down and it will turn out that Tiff, in spite of her business classes, forgot about a little basic called insurance. I’m guessing that if you store a lot of stuff for money, your basic mansion-owner insurance might not cover losses.